December 23, 2024 • 35 mins
Parenting Up! family, thank you for another amazing year!
We hit some major milestones, surpassing 100 episodes and 100 subscribers on YouTube, plus had some incredible episodes with memorable guests and we could not have done it without you.
Many thanks to NPR radio for featuring us and Hilarity for Charity for naming us one of the top three podcasts! We appreciate every review, like, comment, and share. Get ready and for a dynamic 2025!
Join our community on Patreon at patreon.com/jsmilesstudios.
Host: J Smiles
Producer: Mia Hall
Editor: Annelise Udoye
"Alzheimer's is heavy but we ain't gotta be!"
IG: https://www.instagram.com/parentingup
FB: https://www.facebook.com/parentingup
YT: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCDGFb1t2RC_m1yMnFJ2T4jw
Patreon: https://patreon.com/jsmilesstudios
TEXT 'PODCAST" to +1 404 737 1449 - to give J topic ideas, feedback, say hi!
Be sure to leave us a review!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
What's up?
Parents and the family what'sup?
Are y'all ready for your firstyear in review summary from me
and my team?
Yep, that's what we doing thisyear 2024 was fast and furious.
Some of it sucked and some ofit was spectacular.
So what we gonna do?
We gonna flip it and reverse it.
We gonna give you some of ourfavorite, our snuggle ups, some
(00:24):
of the clips, some pictures.
All right, you got in the DMs,you gave it to us in the
comments.
You let us know what you likedabout Zeddy.
Everybody loves Zeddy and we'regoing to spice that up and
split it up, all right.
So share it, watch it, listen.
Most importantly, take care ofyourselves.
(00:46):
All right, the world isstressing us out, but
Alzheimer's is heavy.
We ain't gotta be.
We got each other.
See you in 2025.
Parenting Up caregivingadventures with comedian Jay
Smiles is the intense journey ofunexpectedly being fully
(01:06):
responsible for my mama.
For over a decade, I've beenchipping away at the unknown,
advocating for her and pushingAlzheimer's awareness on anyone
and anything with a heartbeat.
Spoiler alert this shit isheavy.
That's why I started doingcomedy.
So be ready for the jokesCaregiver newbies, ogs and
(01:31):
village members just willing toprop up a caregiver, you are in
the right place.
Hi, this is Zeddy.
I hope you enjoy my daughter'spodcast.
Speaker 4 (01:46):
You got, okay, you got okay.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
I got 50 minutes of sleep, five zero 10 minutes,
less than an hour.
I was nervous, I was worried.
(02:30):
I was like, oh my God, my brainis not even going to be awake
enough to be witty or to bespontaneous, which is the kind
of comedy they wanted.
Because I asked them is there atheme you want me to talk about
or stay away from?
They said no, jay, just come inand spitball with the other
comedians.
What I sleep long enough tospitball.
I told my team OK, I need aCoca-Cola.
Told my team, I think, okay, Ineed a Coca-Cola and I need to
just kind of get my mind rightso that I can clear my mind
enough to then allow theuniverse and the Holy Spirit to
(02:52):
just put stuff in it as needed.
Y'all, I walk into the greenroom.
I walk into the green roomFirst thing.
No, I walk into the station.
I'm walking up the steps.
The executive producer iscoming down the steps and she
(03:13):
said I've been looking for you.
I left my office early to comedown and give you a hug.
What I wish I could see my face.
What, where they do that at.
She said okay, go ahead to thegreen room.
I'm going back upstairs now.
I just wanted to catch youbefore you got camera ready.
(03:34):
It's like, okay, all right,universe, all right, ancestors,
okay, okay, okay, okay, okay,they really want me here.
All right, all right, okay, let, okay, cool, let me do this,
let me do this, let me do this.
I walk into the green room.
Chase smiles, of course you'llbe here.
Hell yeah, girl, what's up,what's up, what's up?
And it is the biggest love festwith me and comedian Kelly
(03:58):
Kells.
If you don't know her, you'rewelcome in advance.
Kelly K-E-L-L-Y, k-e-l-l-z.
She's phenomenal, full ofenergy, super positive.
She's killing it all over theUnited States.
She gives me a big hug, thenyour fly auntie says I'm y'all's
(04:31):
sorority.
I hadn't even met her before,so I don't even know how she
whatever, it doesn't matter,because Kelly and I didn't say
we were daughters, we juststarted hugging.
She said I'm y'all's sor, soright too.
She all leaned in and she waslooking gorgeous and she's a lot
taller than me.
So her lean in.
You know.
I was like right, you win.
That's big energy.
(04:52):
And he go, this big ass hugback turns out she has a
phenomenal story of overcoming.
Anyway, look her up.
But she's out here doing bigthings, big positive things and
making sure that other peopleknow.
Not only are you not alone, thebig thing is, you always have
(05:17):
your damn self.
Her story to me sound like quitlooking around for somebody
else to come do something foryou.
You got you and figure outwhatever it is inside of you
that can help you do the thingyou need.
It was pretty amazing.
I turn, I look around and thenI'm like I know so damn well,
(05:40):
that can't be her.
I know so.
I'm spinning in circles.
I'm like I know so damn, thatain't her.
The infamous Coco Brown.
I mean Comic View, tyler Perry,netflix.
She got a Netflix special,y'all.
I go to hug her and stand upand she's like I remember you.
(06:02):
I'm sorry, coco Brown, did yousay you remember me?
She's like haven't we met?
I'm like yeah, I remember whenwe met.
I got the selfies in my phone.
The point is, you remember me,listen, y'all.
She can call Tyler Perry, shecan call Oprah.
Do you understand what I'msaying?
She could call Jimmy Kimmel,like now.
(06:26):
And she, and she was like yeah.
And then she ran down the othercomedians that were on the show
and I said I've been trying to,I've been, I've been wanting to
be with you and talk to you andask questions and mentor you and
she was like well, whathappened?
I said, well, some of thepeople that I knew, that knew
you, said you were really busy.
(06:47):
She was like today's the day,yo.
She started sharing her storywith me.
She was a caregiver for bothher parents.
I didn't know that they nowhave their wings, both of them.
She's going to be on theparenting of podcast and she's
(07:10):
gonna be my comedy mentor.
Look, in that part.
She offered I ain't even haveto force, but I did a little bit
kind of say, you know, you gotto be on my podcast and she kind
of looked.
I was like, okay, anyway, letme tell you what the podcast,
because I can only imagine howmany people have asked Coco
Brown and it's C-O-C-O-A.
Coco.
There's an A on there.
(07:31):
I'm talking fast, but just makesure you put an A on there.
Coco Brown, I can't imagine howmany people have asked her to
be.
I mean, she, she kills the gameand she's a real actor.
She's an actor and a stand-upcomedian, like she didn't even
have to let me finish theconversation.
(07:52):
But she said well, what's yourpodcast about?
The minute.
I said parenting up, I'm acaregiver.
She was like done.
I was like, but let me.
She's like sis done, andwhoever it was that knows me
that didn't let us meet earlier.
She said I apologize, don'thold it against them and don't
(08:15):
hold it against me.
I'm not that kind of person.
And I was like, wow.
What got me excited about thelaw was what I knew about the
civil rights movement and thefact that for the last, the
whole 19th century, everybodythat was a part of making change
(08:37):
seemed to be a lawyer.
There was always a lawyer inthe mix.
I should say there's a lawyerin the mix that was designing
the strategy around how we'regoing to break this rule, break
these ugly rules for women, formen, for kids, for foreigners
coming into America.
And I was like I want to dothat because I want to help.
When I was preparing to go toHoward, my dad said baby, don't
(09:02):
major in pre-law.
That is the dumbest programever, he said, because if, for
any reason, you don't choose lawschool, you're stuck with a
degree that is absolutelyuseless.
And Spoiler alert I hatereading and writing.
(09:24):
I hate it.
I can do it, I just don't likeit.
And my father knew that I lovedmath and science.
Like I will do a math problem,like other people will play
jacks or hopscotch or jump ropewhen I was a kid.
Okay, so that's what aninteresting comment, okay?
And so my dad said you knowwhat, baby?
(09:49):
What you need to do when you goto Howard is you need to major
in something where you will takeyour butt to class.
The most important thing forlaw school is to actually
graduate from undergraduateschool.
Okay, with the best GPA you can.
They don't care if you graduatein basket meeting Graduate with
the highest GPA.
So what will make you go toclass?
And I said math and science.
He said, well, go major in that.
(10:10):
My mama was mad as hell.
She said don't let her major insomething that's not law,
because then she's going to getdistracted and get over here.
And he said I don't care.
What I don't want her to do isnot graduate, or graduate with
grades so poor that it's hard toget in law school.
So I'm in, I'm in, I'm atHoward.
(10:33):
My father ended up being soright I'm at Howard, I'm
finishing my junior studies.
I fall so in love withengineering that I want to go
design stuff.
And I kind of tested by my mamaone day and she's like I don't
know what you're talking about.
You're going to law school.
You've been talking about lawschools and you in the eighth
(10:55):
grade and I was like, yeah, Iknow, but you know this, this, I
just want to go do this andthen see, and then she kind of
walked out the room on me.
So when my parents sent me themoney to go for the law school
Kaplan classes and everything totake the LSAT, I didn't.
I didn't sign up for theclasses, I just didn't take the
courses.
(11:15):
So when they called me to askme about did I prepare for law
school?
Did I?
Did I sign up?
Did I sent any applications?
I said nope.
Now I did spend the money but Inever applied.
Okay, and it was probably theonly time in my life when my
mama stopped talking to me.
She just handed my phone to mydaddy and she said Jock Smith,
(11:40):
mm-hmm.
And she said some curse wordsthat people wouldn't expect to
say Chuck Smith, you get on thisphone with this child.
I told you not to let her majorin something other than pre-law
, and that was the start of mefiguring my way to get to
(12:05):
Stanford and all the things.
So I always wanted to be alawyer, okay.
So I just kind of took anotherroute around it and, um, I'm a
bit of a purist, mia, meaning ifI want to design products or if
I want to be an engineer, thenI want to go.
Be that I don't want to have bean engineering product design
(12:26):
lawyer all on one project, right?
Like I don't buy two-in-oneconditioner shampoo.
I want the shampoo, then I wantthe conditioner and then I want
then at the end, I don't wantthe, yeah, I want the whole
thing.
You know what I mean.
Then I want the edge control.
Don't give me one.
I'm like, nah, I want to getthe whole thing.
(12:50):
I want the appetizer, then thesalad, then the entree, then the
dessert.
Don't give me a smoothie.
That's supposed to give me allthe nutrients.
You know what I mean.
So, um, there were certaindegrees in or certain academic
opportunities that tried, likepatent law, where people would
say, oh, you could, you could godo both.
No, you can't do both.
No, you don't want to do both.
You're a purist, right, I'm apurist and you don't really do
(13:11):
both.
As a patent attorney, you'rejust looking over engineering
papers, but you don't get to doany engineering.
You don't design anything.
You don't have anything to dowith how that product works.
You're just making sure thatsomebody doesn't get sued.
You have nothing to do with howthe damn thing works.
(13:32):
So I was like, yeah, I don'twant to do that.
So, basically, law was the veryfirst thing I was supposed to
do.
Okay, so I ended up going fullcircle.
Uh, my father, uh, met JohnnyCochran when, when, um, johnny
Cochran was on his first booktour this was after the OJ trial
, his Journey to Justice booktour.
(13:54):
They became very, very fastfriends.
So while I was at Stanford,they started the National
Cochran Firm.
Ok, and so when I went gilletteto design toothbrushes, they
started teasing me about havingthis corporate job, like you
(14:15):
know, working for the man andand being, you know, behind bars
.
Because I got this nine to fiveand I'm wearing a lab coat, but
I'm the only black woman inthis global advanced research
and design center for a Fortune500 company.
I think I'm expecting them tobe proud.
(14:35):
And they're clowning me.
They're like calling me fromprivate planes saying are you
through?
Are you through playing.
They're waiting for you.
Are you through playing withthe little Lego sets and your
buns and burners?
Speaker 3 (14:51):
And you know, to lose a parent is a whole, nother
animal Right, because, you know,I remember cleaning up the
house and I was cleaning upsomething and I found I came
across a bottle of perfume and Ihad never seen it.
I'm like what is this?
And I opened it up, let abottle of perfume and I had
never seen.
and I'm like what is this and Iopened it up, I smell it, this
little perfume, and it wascrying for six days.
(15:12):
That's your mama, that was mamaperfume Mama in a bottle.
Who put this damn bottle outhere?
Speaker 1 (15:18):
Anyway, I know y'all could have put that up.
Speaker 3 (15:20):
Please somebody.
But yeah, yeah, but we tookcare of my mom.
My uncle stood in the gap formy grandmother, okay, and he
actually became her realcaregiver in terms of you know,
he started getting a check, like, even now he's still a
caregiver, with what he learnedfrom the help of my grandmother,
(15:41):
wow, so he's still a caregiverfor older people.
Speaker 1 (15:46):
So he turned it into a career path.
Speaker 3 (15:47):
actually, he turned it into a career path because he
had no job.
Speaker 1 (15:50):
Well, come on now.
Okay.
Speaker 3 (15:52):
We all got that.
He stayed at home so long.
How long was it that peoplestart commending him for being
there?
Oh, like, hey, man, you'redoing so good with mama.
I'm like that nigga never left,he ain't staying with mama.
I'm like that nigga never left,he ain't stay with mama, he's
just still here and she happensto now be sick.
Yeah.
(16:12):
Yeah, all right, I know we gotsome of those.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
Well, that's where my parents met Talking trash at a
political event, talking aboutvoting.
My mom always told me no,voting is insignificant.
If it was insignificant and itdidn't matter.
(16:37):
They would have given us theright to vote from the beginning
.
And so even if you don'tunderstand, jay, why you should
vote, understand that the peoplein the power don't want you to.
That's why you should do it.
So think about, like whenyou're a kid and you're growing
(16:59):
up and your parents say don'tdate that guy, don't date that
girl, come home by midnight.
What's the first thing you do?
You're like forget that.
If you say, come on by midnight, I'm trying to figure out
immediately how at least to stayout to 1 am.
It's the same psychology for mymom.
At least.
(17:19):
If they don't want us to vote,vote, then damn it, I'm fucking
voting.
Every time Local, state, federalshe was in it.
Now, of course, it does nothurt that she was born and
(17:40):
raised in Montgomery, alabama,and Martin Luther King Jr wasa
personal mentor of hers.
But I will tell you this All ofher contemporaries, all of her
cousins, everybody she grew upwith, didn't keep that same fire
(18:01):
in their belly, and I meantechnically speaking.
Dr King was there with them too, like I wasn't there.
So I ain't trying to startnothing and I ain't trying to
say who did this, who robbedPeter to pay Paul.
But I grew up with him and Iknow some people didn't quite
make it, y'all.
Zeddy gave her employees the dayoff to go vote.
(18:27):
She's a private employer, aconsultant, and let me tell you
why.
That's a big deal they had tonegotiate.
They asked off to get regularvacation, cause my mama believed
that you should work.
You got sick days and then youshould come to work because if
(18:48):
you ain't sick you should be atwork.
Vacation from what?
What you vacationing from?
You should be happy to have ajob and if you ain't sick you
should come to work.
But for voting.
She gave him a day off pay, andall she was waiting for him to
do is to come back into workwith a little sticker on that
(19:09):
said I voted.
That's how serious my mama wasfrom day one about voting.
Funny story about voting with mymom.
Okay, so back in the day,especially Montgomery Alabama,
(19:30):
you got to realize when I wasgrowing up we were still under
all kinds of federaljurisdiction because of the crap
that happened back in the 1940s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s.
You know what For the crap thathappened from uh, jesus and
Moses, up till about 1997, wewere still under federal rule.
(19:55):
So uh, up till about 1997.
We were still under federalrule.
So how we voted and when wevoted, and gerrymandering and
red disping, all of that we hada lot of federal oversight.
So y'all know good and well mymama was not supposed to be
walking up to the polls with akid who couldn't vote, but she
(20:18):
was so about that life andeverybody at the polls knew her
as she took my look behind,grabbed me by the hand and said
come on in here.
You're going to vote, don'ttalk, but I want you to see and
know where it is.
I want you to watch.
Mama, check for my name.
This is Alabama.
(20:38):
We have nothing digital.
We're nothing fancy.
Ever you were writing your nameor scratching your name off or
bubbling something and coloringin something.
You stand here and don't saynothing.
And she walked in and hilariouswas to watch Zeddy go from
badass I will negotiate with adrug kingpin and the devil to
(21:01):
sweet and demure like she'sabout to hand somebody a piece
of cake.
So she was talking all thistrash with me in the car.
Now, you're not supposed to bein here.
But don't say nothing.
If you just don't talk anddon't do nothing, don't touch
nothing, don't, you can't bringno toy in here and don't look at
nobody, you just hold my hand.
She gets in.
(21:23):
Hi, how are you?
Ooh, how's your mama?
Yeah, oh, my God, it is hotoutside, isn't it?
I barely made it here, yeah,yeah, uh, huh, oh, should I get
in this line off here?
Oh well, thank you so much.
Yeah, yeah, well, you know, Ihad to go pick my child up.
I just I didn't have anybodyelse to go and get him.
(21:46):
So is it okay if she just,she's just going to be just
right, she's not going to makeup?
Oh, is that okay?
Oh, thank you so much.
Y'all okay.
By the time she has cotton air,talk these people into talking
about the weather and their kidsand a piece of cake.
(22:08):
I'm at 9, 11, 12, 13, allstanding with her watching the
whole process.
That's my mama.
And then she walks back out andshe said did you see what I
just did?
You don't take no for an answer.
If you're not trying to shootnobody or kill nobody or steal
(22:28):
nothing, you better not standdown.
Speaker 4 (22:31):
When dad couldn't remember certain things and
dad's personality began tochange.
My father was a very distinctman.
His personality was verydistinct Quiet man, a few words,
but when he spoke you stopped.
That man would drop a gem onyou and you'd be like, and then
he'd go right back to watchingAndy.
Speaker 2 (22:49):
Griffith, and you wasn't even there.
I love those kind of people.
Speaker 4 (22:52):
My dad would just be sitting there talking you know
what love bug, and he would dropsomething and he'd go right
back to watching.
You know, texas Walker Ranger,that's right.
Like he wasn't even there, youknow, and your whole week just
got shifted off that one phrasewhere daddy started being way
more talkative.
That was a sign to me, becausemy dad was not a chatterbox.
(23:13):
He was not a chatterbox.
Speaker 1 (23:15):
Listen, parents in our community, we're going to
take just a sneak of a button onthat.
That is what comes with being afamily caregiver when somebody
has been locked in Becausesomeone who didn't talk a lot,
who now is just talking more, adoctor or someone in the
hospital wouldn't say, well,what's wrong, that's not
anything.
(23:35):
But you're like, oh, what'swrong?
That ain't my daddy.
Speaker 4 (23:38):
That ain't my daddy, that's not how my daddy is.
Me and my dad could sit in thatFlorida room.
He'd be in his favorite LazyBoy.
I'd be sitting on the love seatand we'd be watching old shows
like Gunsmoke, you know and youknow.
And it'd be silence.
It was like me and my fatherhad a relationship that we could
have silent conversations.
I always say that, Okay, that'sscary Me and my father, we
(24:00):
could literally be sitting.
I mean, like seriously, we couldbe sitting in a room watching
something and we could laugh atthe same time and he'd look at
me and I look at him and like,hmm, you know what I'm saying.
And it's like we knew, likethat was crazy, or whatever.
So when my father became achatterbox and then it was to
the point that he wasn't makingsense, that was the like okay,
(24:23):
wait, dad is talking way moreand he's not making sense.
That's when I knew the dementiawas kicking in, when he would
be like uh, uh, uh, call, call.
I'm like call who, daddy, callthe woman down the hall, your
wife, you know.
And you know it got to a pointI literally made a joke about
this that towards the end, mydad's dementia had gotten to the
(24:44):
point that he thought I was hiswife.
I'm Lovebug, I'm Farrah, youknow.
Speaker 1 (24:48):
And he'd be like baby sweetie and I know he called my
mama baby and sweetie.
Speaker 4 (24:59):
he called me love book okay you know, I'm saying
only pharaoh when he was likeseriously, like mad at me, very,
not happy, yeah, not happy,yeah, and so, but I remember you
know how god is so good uh,when they brought my home, my
dad home, when they said therewas nothing more that they could
do and we put him in hospice.
And you know he had mentionedto me before he got sick that he
wanted to be in his own home.
He didn't want to be innobody's hospital, and I
promised him that we set up mybrother's old bedroom, you know,
for the hospice people and allthat.
And I remember that day I wasat the hospital.
(25:21):
My dad was comatose.
They had doped him up so muchbecause of the pain and stuff.
Yeah, when they walked himthrough that door that night I
had my daddy.
He was talking.
He was so normal, it wasfreakish, I don't know what it
was.
He was like love, who won thegame tonight.
Love, I want some oatmeal andI'm like, because I'm like, I
(25:43):
just left you in the hospitalhours ago and you were comatose.
Speaker 2 (25:47):
You were doped up and then you're coming through the
door.
Speaker 4 (25:50):
The guys are bringing them through Love.
Hey, love, you were doped upand then you're coming through
the door.
The guys are bringing themthrough and I'll never forget.
I said I thank god for thisevery day.
I had not heard my daddy say heloved me in a while because of
the dementia and everything.
And I'll never forget I was inthere and daddy was just talking
and it's nice.
It's nice because I had, youknow, the room up, you know
right, the hospital bed was inthere.
Speaker 2 (26:10):
Tv you know all.
Speaker 4 (26:11):
You know all this stuff, Some stuff from home,
like a blanket or something likethat he was home.
Speaker 1 (26:15):
He was home, he was an ideal childhood home.
Speaker 4 (26:17):
He was just in my brother's room, that's right,
and I remember I was talking tohim.
I said you was an oatmeal daddy.
Yeah, I was an oatmeal.
My dad eat oatmeal.
I never heard about puttingpeanut butter.
Speaker 1 (26:32):
My dad would put a scoop of peanut butter in his
oatmeal.
Speaker 4 (26:34):
Let me tell you something.
My dad cooked some very strangethings for us when we were
growing up.
Speaker 5 (26:37):
Okay, I'm going to try it and.
Speaker 4 (26:39):
I remember saying okay, and I was walking out of
the room and I said okay, papi,I'm going to go get it.
Speaker 1 (26:58):
And I.
I had heard those words for solong.
I end each episode with asegment called the Snuggler.
Yes, it's not sexual, I know.
I just wanted to lower yourexpectations.
Speaker 2 (27:10):
I saw it with the way you rubbed my knee, yeah, and I
was like I just want to bringyou back down what.
Speaker 5 (27:17):
Let's snuggle up.
Speaker 1 (27:21):
It is advice either to other caregivers, or you wish
somebody would have told you.
Looking back on it, and you sayyou know what Caregiving will
be easier.
If you go on and snuggle up tothis fact or this approach,
it'll just make it go.
Speaker 5 (27:43):
Caregiving is going to always be easy if you just
care right.
You have to care and then thelifting will be easier.
But if you look at it as ifit's a chore, if you look at it
if it's an obligation, if youlook at it anything besides
positive, you're going to feeloverwhelmed and drained, because
those things, those feelings,come naturally.
(28:04):
But if you look at it as a care, as a blessing, as an
opportunity, as a privilege,then it, the low, will be much
lighter and people around youwill feel it, and then your the
transition, however itultimately turns up, turns out
will leave you feeling fulfilledversus feeling empty,
(28:24):
overwhelmed and regretful.
What bars, uh, this is, uh, theprince.
Speaker 1 (28:29):
This is the Prince Rainmaker.
For the end of the Snuggle.
Speaker 2 (28:34):
Up, that was the Snuggler right there, that was
good.
Number one Snuggle Up is relatedto caregiving, and it's
something that I have been hitwith personally lately in a
caregiving journey which couldbe towards a parent and also
towards other loved ones whomight be confronting really
(28:55):
difficult diagnoses.
So you know, maybe you'realready caring for your aging
parent and your aging parent isrelatively healthy, yet all of a
sudden, the dementia diagnosiscomes, or the cancer diagnosis
comes or something else that'sextremely serious and we'll
(29:16):
we'll call it terminal.
Um, for me, I think you know,you and I, we are women of
action.
Many women who are listening tothis podcast are also women of
action and we want to jump intoservice.
We want to jump into helping,healing, hurting, whatever that
is.
We're going to do somethingbecause it's going to, it feels
(29:39):
like the right thing to do, itfeels what we need to do.
It's just an act of devotion andwhat I have learned through my
company and through my personaljourney with caregiving recently
it's just to pause and to askthe question and to listen.
Pause, I'm sorry that you havethis diagnosis.
(30:04):
How would you like me tosupport you in this time?
Pause, how would you like to besupported?
And in doing so, they may sayjust love me, just feed me ice
cream and let me watch movies orgive me the top of the line
(30:27):
genetic research.
And I want to talk to the top10 physicians in this, and I
want to talk to the top threesurgeons in the area and I want
a second and third opinion.
Whatever it is that they'reasking for, help them, but
before you act, ask them whatdoes it look like for me to
support you and how do you wantto be supported?
Speaker 1 (30:47):
That's been Jen.
That's it.
We're going to button it upright there.
That is it.
Before you act, ask Woo Woo,that is so powerful.
That is merch.
Before you act, ask that is agood snuggle up.
(31:09):
That is good in everyrelationship.
That's good at work.
That is good in everyrelationship.
That's good at work.
That is good in a romanticrelationship.
I don't know where that wouldbe a negative mantra.
I can't think of one at thistime, thank you, thank you so
very much.
Let's snuggle up Number one.
(31:34):
It's hard.
What made you decide in thefirst place to even consider
being this deadbeat parent'scaregiver?
Something did.
There's a whole lot of thingsin your life you never even
(31:58):
thought about doing Like.
If you're a teacher, youprobably maybe never thought
about being a sumo wrestler.
Did you know?
You're actually supposed tocall it a small wrestler?
It's not even sumo.
We say sumo on the western sideof the world, but in Japan,
where it's from, they also saysmall.
So okay, just take that for me.
But there are a lot of thingsin this world that you've never
(32:19):
considered being or doing, oreating or drinking.
Something made you say I'll doit, even if it was with a little
bit of hesitation.
Peel that apart.
What is it?
Is it because you think it'sthe right thing to do?
(32:44):
Is it because you have grownpast the treatment that you
received as a child?
Or as a young adult, becauseyou have gone through some
spiritual awakening?
Whatever the case is, don't letscars and scar tissue keep you
(33:09):
from continuing on that patternand journey of growth.
Just don't let it happen.
Don't turn back to the darkness, lean into whatever it is that
made you consider being acaregiver for the person that
(33:31):
was once your bully.
Hope you enjoyed the best of2024 as much as we did bringing
it to you.
We hit some milestones 100episodes featured on NPR Top
three.
What For HFC get out of here2025?
(33:54):
Better have a hyperbolicchamber?
Better have compression shocks,all kind of stuff?
It's going to need oxygenbecause we coming in hot.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
And reminding y'all Patreon isopen.
It is open and ready for you,you, you, you and your mama too.
(34:21):
We are loading up things, allthings Zetty, all things podcast
, all things caregiving behindthe scenes, extra stuff J Smiles
comedy is dropping with her ownlittle collection within the
Jace Mouse studio Patreon.
Very, very soon.
It'll be less than a month, butyou want to go on and get in
(34:43):
there because there's exclusives.
That's kind of time sensitiveto whoever is in there first.
We've already had livebroadcast for people who are
already in and, uh, I'm gonna behonest, already had live
broadcasts for people who arealready in, and I'm going to be
honest because of, you know,branding matters.
(35:04):
So there's some stuff that Ijust can't say and do on the
World Wide Web that I can do inthe Patreon pantry Patreon
pantry.
So if you want to see and knowand hear and experience more of
what's happening between my ears, come to the J Smile studio, my
(35:27):
Patreon pantry.
What's up?
Parents and the family what'sup?
Are y'all ready for your firstyear in review summary from me
and my team?
Yep, that's what we doing thisyear 2024 was fast and furious.
Some of it sucked and some ofit was spectacular.
So what we gonna do?
We gonna flip it and reverse it.
We gonna give you some of ourfavorite, our snuggle ups, some
(00:24):
of the clips, some pictures.
All right, you got in the DMs,you gave it to us in the
comments.
You let us know what you likedabout Zeddy.
Everybody loves Zeddy and we'regoing to spice that up and
split it up, all right.
So share it, watch it, listen.
Most importantly, take care ofyourselves.
(00:46):
All right, the world isstressing us out, but
Alzheimer's is heavy.
We ain't gotta be.
We got each other.
See you in 2025.
Parenting Up caregivingadventures with comedian Jay
Smiles is the intense journey ofunexpectedly being fully
(01:06):
responsible for my mama.
For over a decade, I've beenchipping away at the unknown,
advocating for her and pushingAlzheimer's awareness on anyone
and anything with a heartbeat.
Spoiler alert this shit isheavy.
That's why I started doingcomedy.
So be ready for the jokesCaregiver newbies, ogs and
(01:31):
village members just willing toprop up a caregiver, you are in
the right place.
Hi, this is Zeddy.
I hope you enjoy my daughter'spodcast.
Speaker 4 (01:46):
You got, okay, you got okay.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
I got 50 minutes of sleep, five zero 10 minutes,
less than an hour.
I was nervous, I was worried.
(02:30):
I was like, oh my God, my brainis not even going to be awake
enough to be witty or to bespontaneous, which is the kind
of comedy they wanted.
Because I asked them is there atheme you want me to talk about
or stay away from?
They said no, jay, just come inand spitball with the other
comedians.
What I sleep long enough tospitball.
I told my team OK, I need aCoca-Cola.
Told my team, I think, okay, Ineed a Coca-Cola and I need to
just kind of get my mind rightso that I can clear my mind
enough to then allow theuniverse and the Holy Spirit to
(02:52):
just put stuff in it as needed.
Y'all, I walk into the greenroom.
I walk into the green roomFirst thing.
No, I walk into the station.
I'm walking up the steps.
The executive producer iscoming down the steps and she
(03:13):
said I've been looking for you.
I left my office early to comedown and give you a hug.
What I wish I could see my face.
What, where they do that at.
She said okay, go ahead to thegreen room.
I'm going back upstairs now.
I just wanted to catch youbefore you got camera ready.
(03:34):
It's like, okay, all right,universe, all right, ancestors,
okay, okay, okay, okay, okay,they really want me here.
All right, all right, okay, let, okay, cool, let me do this,
let me do this, let me do this.
I walk into the green room.
Chase smiles, of course you'llbe here.
Hell yeah, girl, what's up,what's up, what's up?
And it is the biggest love festwith me and comedian Kelly
(03:58):
Kells.
If you don't know her, you'rewelcome in advance.
Kelly K-E-L-L-Y, k-e-l-l-z.
She's phenomenal, full ofenergy, super positive.
She's killing it all over theUnited States.
She gives me a big hug, thenyour fly auntie says I'm y'all's
(04:31):
sorority.
I hadn't even met her before,so I don't even know how she
whatever, it doesn't matter,because Kelly and I didn't say
we were daughters, we juststarted hugging.
She said I'm y'all's sor, soright too.
She all leaned in and she waslooking gorgeous and she's a lot
taller than me.
So her lean in.
You know.
I was like right, you win.
That's big energy.
(04:52):
And he go, this big ass hugback turns out she has a
phenomenal story of overcoming.
Anyway, look her up.
But she's out here doing bigthings, big positive things and
making sure that other peopleknow.
Not only are you not alone, thebig thing is, you always have
(05:17):
your damn self.
Her story to me sound like quitlooking around for somebody
else to come do something foryou.
You got you and figure outwhatever it is inside of you
that can help you do the thingyou need.
It was pretty amazing.
I turn, I look around and thenI'm like I know so damn well,
(05:40):
that can't be her.
I know so.
I'm spinning in circles.
I'm like I know so damn, thatain't her.
The infamous Coco Brown.
I mean Comic View, tyler Perry,netflix.
She got a Netflix special,y'all.
I go to hug her and stand upand she's like I remember you.
(06:02):
I'm sorry, coco Brown, did yousay you remember me?
She's like haven't we met?
I'm like yeah, I remember whenwe met.
I got the selfies in my phone.
The point is, you remember me,listen, y'all.
She can call Tyler Perry, shecan call Oprah.
Do you understand what I'msaying?
She could call Jimmy Kimmel,like now.
(06:26):
And she, and she was like yeah.
And then she ran down the othercomedians that were on the show
and I said I've been trying to,I've been, I've been wanting to
be with you and talk to you andask questions and mentor you and
she was like well, whathappened?
I said, well, some of thepeople that I knew, that knew
you, said you were really busy.
(06:47):
She was like today's the day,yo.
She started sharing her storywith me.
She was a caregiver for bothher parents.
I didn't know that they nowhave their wings, both of them.
She's going to be on theparenting of podcast and she's
(07:10):
gonna be my comedy mentor.
Look, in that part.
She offered I ain't even haveto force, but I did a little bit
kind of say, you know, you gotto be on my podcast and she kind
of looked.
I was like, okay, anyway, letme tell you what the podcast,
because I can only imagine howmany people have asked Coco
Brown and it's C-O-C-O-A.
Coco.
There's an A on there.
(07:31):
I'm talking fast, but just makesure you put an A on there.
Coco Brown, I can't imagine howmany people have asked her to
be.
I mean, she, she kills the gameand she's a real actor.
She's an actor and a stand-upcomedian, like she didn't even
have to let me finish theconversation.
(07:52):
But she said well, what's yourpodcast about?
The minute.
I said parenting up, I'm acaregiver.
She was like done.
I was like, but let me.
She's like sis done, andwhoever it was that knows me
that didn't let us meet earlier.
She said I apologize, don'thold it against them and don't
(08:15):
hold it against me.
I'm not that kind of person.
And I was like, wow.
What got me excited about thelaw was what I knew about the
civil rights movement and thefact that for the last, the
whole 19th century, everybodythat was a part of making change
(08:37):
seemed to be a lawyer.
There was always a lawyer inthe mix.
I should say there's a lawyerin the mix that was designing
the strategy around how we'regoing to break this rule, break
these ugly rules for women, formen, for kids, for foreigners
coming into America.
And I was like I want to dothat because I want to help.
When I was preparing to go toHoward, my dad said baby, don't
(09:02):
major in pre-law.
That is the dumbest programever, he said, because if, for
any reason, you don't choose lawschool, you're stuck with a
degree that is absolutelyuseless.
And Spoiler alert I hatereading and writing.
(09:24):
I hate it.
I can do it, I just don't likeit.
And my father knew that I lovedmath and science.
Like I will do a math problem,like other people will play
jacks or hopscotch or jump ropewhen I was a kid.
Okay, so that's what aninteresting comment, okay?
And so my dad said you knowwhat, baby?
(09:49):
What you need to do when you goto Howard is you need to major
in something where you will takeyour butt to class.
The most important thing forlaw school is to actually
graduate from undergraduateschool.
Okay, with the best GPA you can.
They don't care if you graduatein basket meeting Graduate with
the highest GPA.
So what will make you go toclass?
And I said math and science.
He said, well, go major in that.
(10:10):
My mama was mad as hell.
She said don't let her major insomething that's not law,
because then she's going to getdistracted and get over here.
And he said I don't care.
What I don't want her to do isnot graduate, or graduate with
grades so poor that it's hard toget in law school.
So I'm in, I'm in, I'm atHoward.
(10:33):
My father ended up being soright I'm at Howard, I'm
finishing my junior studies.
I fall so in love withengineering that I want to go
design stuff.
And I kind of tested by my mamaone day and she's like I don't
know what you're talking about.
You're going to law school.
You've been talking about lawschools and you in the eighth
(10:55):
grade and I was like, yeah, Iknow, but you know this, this, I
just want to go do this andthen see, and then she kind of
walked out the room on me.
So when my parents sent me themoney to go for the law school
Kaplan classes and everything totake the LSAT, I didn't.
I didn't sign up for theclasses, I just didn't take the
courses.
(11:15):
So when they called me to askme about did I prepare for law
school?
Did I?
Did I sign up?
Did I sent any applications?
I said nope.
Now I did spend the money but Inever applied.
Okay, and it was probably theonly time in my life when my
mama stopped talking to me.
She just handed my phone to mydaddy and she said Jock Smith,
(11:40):
mm-hmm.
And she said some curse wordsthat people wouldn't expect to
say Chuck Smith, you get on thisphone with this child.
I told you not to let her majorin something other than pre-law
, and that was the start of mefiguring my way to get to
(12:05):
Stanford and all the things.
So I always wanted to be alawyer, okay.
So I just kind of took anotherroute around it and, um, I'm a
bit of a purist, mia, meaning ifI want to design products or if
I want to be an engineer, thenI want to go.
Be that I don't want to have bean engineering product design
(12:26):
lawyer all on one project, right?
Like I don't buy two-in-oneconditioner shampoo.
I want the shampoo, then I wantthe conditioner and then I want
then at the end, I don't wantthe, yeah, I want the whole
thing.
You know what I mean.
Then I want the edge control.
Don't give me one.
I'm like, nah, I want to getthe whole thing.
(12:50):
I want the appetizer, then thesalad, then the entree, then the
dessert.
Don't give me a smoothie.
That's supposed to give me allthe nutrients.
You know what I mean.
So, um, there were certaindegrees in or certain academic
opportunities that tried, likepatent law, where people would
say, oh, you could, you could godo both.
No, you can't do both.
No, you don't want to do both.
You're a purist, right, I'm apurist and you don't really do
(13:11):
both.
As a patent attorney, you'rejust looking over engineering
papers, but you don't get to doany engineering.
You don't design anything.
You don't have anything to dowith how that product works.
You're just making sure thatsomebody doesn't get sued.
You have nothing to do with howthe damn thing works.
(13:32):
So I was like, yeah, I don'twant to do that.
So, basically, law was the veryfirst thing I was supposed to
do.
Okay, so I ended up going fullcircle.
Uh, my father, uh, met JohnnyCochran when, when, um, johnny
Cochran was on his first booktour this was after the OJ trial
, his Journey to Justice booktour.
(13:54):
They became very, very fastfriends.
So while I was at Stanford,they started the National
Cochran Firm.
Ok, and so when I went gilletteto design toothbrushes, they
started teasing me about havingthis corporate job, like you
(14:15):
know, working for the man andand being, you know, behind bars
.
Because I got this nine to fiveand I'm wearing a lab coat, but
I'm the only black woman inthis global advanced research
and design center for a Fortune500 company.
I think I'm expecting them tobe proud.
(14:35):
And they're clowning me.
They're like calling me fromprivate planes saying are you
through?
Are you through playing.
They're waiting for you.
Are you through playing withthe little Lego sets and your
buns and burners?
Speaker 3 (14:51):
And you know, to lose a parent is a whole, nother
animal Right, because, you know,I remember cleaning up the
house and I was cleaning upsomething and I found I came
across a bottle of perfume and Ihad never seen it.
I'm like what is this?
And I opened it up, let abottle of perfume and I had
never seen.
and I'm like what is this and Iopened it up, I smell it, this
little perfume, and it wascrying for six days.
(15:12):
That's your mama, that was mamaperfume Mama in a bottle.
Who put this damn bottle outhere?
Speaker 1 (15:18):
Anyway, I know y'all could have put that up.
Speaker 3 (15:20):
Please somebody.
But yeah, yeah, but we tookcare of my mom.
My uncle stood in the gap formy grandmother, okay, and he
actually became her realcaregiver in terms of you know,
he started getting a check, like, even now he's still a
caregiver, with what he learnedfrom the help of my grandmother,
(15:41):
wow, so he's still a caregiverfor older people.
Speaker 1 (15:46):
So he turned it into a career path.
Speaker 3 (15:47):
actually, he turned it into a career path because he
had no job.
Speaker 1 (15:50):
Well, come on now.
Okay.
Speaker 3 (15:52):
We all got that.
He stayed at home so long.
How long was it that peoplestart commending him for being
there?
Oh, like, hey, man, you'redoing so good with mama.
I'm like that nigga never left,he ain't staying with mama.
I'm like that nigga never left,he ain't stay with mama, he's
just still here and she happensto now be sick.
Yeah.
(16:12):
Yeah, all right, I know we gotsome of those.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
Well, that's where my parents met Talking trash at a
political event, talking aboutvoting.
My mom always told me no,voting is insignificant.
If it was insignificant and itdidn't matter.
(16:37):
They would have given us theright to vote from the beginning
.
And so even if you don'tunderstand, jay, why you should
vote, understand that the peoplein the power don't want you to.
That's why you should do it.
So think about, like whenyou're a kid and you're growing
(16:59):
up and your parents say don'tdate that guy, don't date that
girl, come home by midnight.
What's the first thing you do?
You're like forget that.
If you say, come on by midnight, I'm trying to figure out
immediately how at least to stayout to 1 am.
It's the same psychology for mymom.
At least.
(17:19):
If they don't want us to vote,vote, then damn it, I'm fucking
voting.
Every time Local, state, federalshe was in it.
Now, of course, it does nothurt that she was born and
(17:40):
raised in Montgomery, alabama,and Martin Luther King Jr wasa
personal mentor of hers.
But I will tell you this All ofher contemporaries, all of her
cousins, everybody she grew upwith, didn't keep that same fire
(18:01):
in their belly, and I meantechnically speaking.
Dr King was there with them too, like I wasn't there.
So I ain't trying to startnothing and I ain't trying to
say who did this, who robbedPeter to pay Paul.
But I grew up with him and Iknow some people didn't quite
make it, y'all.
Zeddy gave her employees the dayoff to go vote.
(18:27):
She's a private employer, aconsultant, and let me tell you
why.
That's a big deal they had tonegotiate.
They asked off to get regularvacation, cause my mama believed
that you should work.
You got sick days and then youshould come to work because if
(18:48):
you ain't sick you should be atwork.
Vacation from what?
What you vacationing from?
You should be happy to have ajob and if you ain't sick you
should come to work.
But for voting.
She gave him a day off pay, andall she was waiting for him to
do is to come back into workwith a little sticker on that
(19:09):
said I voted.
That's how serious my mama wasfrom day one about voting.
Funny story about voting with mymom.
Okay, so back in the day,especially Montgomery Alabama,
(19:30):
you got to realize when I wasgrowing up we were still under
all kinds of federaljurisdiction because of the crap
that happened back in the 1940s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s.
You know what For the crap thathappened from uh, jesus and
Moses, up till about 1997, wewere still under federal rule.
(19:55):
So uh, up till about 1997.
We were still under federalrule.
So how we voted and when wevoted, and gerrymandering and
red disping, all of that we hada lot of federal oversight.
So y'all know good and well mymama was not supposed to be
walking up to the polls with akid who couldn't vote, but she
(20:18):
was so about that life andeverybody at the polls knew her
as she took my look behind,grabbed me by the hand and said
come on in here.
You're going to vote, don'ttalk, but I want you to see and
know where it is.
I want you to watch.
Mama, check for my name.
This is Alabama.
(20:38):
We have nothing digital.
We're nothing fancy.
Ever you were writing your nameor scratching your name off or
bubbling something and coloringin something.
You stand here and don't saynothing.
And she walked in and hilariouswas to watch Zeddy go from
badass I will negotiate with adrug kingpin and the devil to
(21:01):
sweet and demure like she'sabout to hand somebody a piece
of cake.
So she was talking all thistrash with me in the car.
Now, you're not supposed to bein here.
But don't say nothing.
If you just don't talk anddon't do nothing, don't touch
nothing, don't, you can't bringno toy in here and don't look at
nobody, you just hold my hand.
She gets in.
(21:23):
Hi, how are you?
Ooh, how's your mama?
Yeah, oh, my God, it is hotoutside, isn't it?
I barely made it here, yeah,yeah, uh, huh, oh, should I get
in this line off here?
Oh well, thank you so much.
Yeah, yeah, well, you know, Ihad to go pick my child up.
I just I didn't have anybodyelse to go and get him.
(21:46):
So is it okay if she just,she's just going to be just
right, she's not going to makeup?
Oh, is that okay?
Oh, thank you so much.
Y'all okay.
By the time she has cotton air,talk these people into talking
about the weather and their kidsand a piece of cake.
(22:08):
I'm at 9, 11, 12, 13, allstanding with her watching the
whole process.
That's my mama.
And then she walks back out andshe said did you see what I
just did?
You don't take no for an answer.
If you're not trying to shootnobody or kill nobody or steal
(22:28):
nothing, you better not standdown.
Speaker 4 (22:31):
When dad couldn't remember certain things and
dad's personality began tochange.
My father was a very distinctman.
His personality was verydistinct Quiet man, a few words,
but when he spoke you stopped.
That man would drop a gem onyou and you'd be like, and then
he'd go right back to watchingAndy.
Speaker 2 (22:49):
Griffith, and you wasn't even there.
I love those kind of people.
Speaker 4 (22:52):
My dad would just be sitting there talking you know
what love bug, and he would dropsomething and he'd go right
back to watching.
You know, texas Walker Ranger,that's right.
Like he wasn't even there, youknow, and your whole week just
got shifted off that one phrasewhere daddy started being way
more talkative.
That was a sign to me, becausemy dad was not a chatterbox.
(23:13):
He was not a chatterbox.
Speaker 1 (23:15):
Listen, parents in our community, we're going to
take just a sneak of a button onthat.
That is what comes with being afamily caregiver when somebody
has been locked in Becausesomeone who didn't talk a lot,
who now is just talking more, adoctor or someone in the
hospital wouldn't say, well,what's wrong, that's not
anything.
(23:35):
But you're like, oh, what'swrong?
That ain't my daddy.
Speaker 4 (23:38):
That ain't my daddy, that's not how my daddy is.
Me and my dad could sit in thatFlorida room.
He'd be in his favorite LazyBoy.
I'd be sitting on the love seatand we'd be watching old shows
like Gunsmoke, you know and youknow.
And it'd be silence.
It was like me and my fatherhad a relationship that we could
have silent conversations.
I always say that, Okay, that'sscary Me and my father, we
(24:00):
could literally be sitting.
I mean, like seriously, we couldbe sitting in a room watching
something and we could laugh atthe same time and he'd look at
me and I look at him and like,hmm, you know what I'm saying.
And it's like we knew, likethat was crazy, or whatever.
So when my father became achatterbox and then it was to
the point that he wasn't makingsense, that was the like okay,
(24:23):
wait, dad is talking way moreand he's not making sense.
That's when I knew the dementiawas kicking in, when he would
be like uh, uh, uh, call, call.
I'm like call who, daddy, callthe woman down the hall, your
wife, you know.
And you know it got to a pointI literally made a joke about
this that towards the end, mydad's dementia had gotten to the
(24:44):
point that he thought I was hiswife.
I'm Lovebug, I'm Farrah, youknow.
Speaker 1 (24:48):
And he'd be like baby sweetie and I know he called my
mama baby and sweetie.
Speaker 4 (24:59):
he called me love book okay you know, I'm saying
only pharaoh when he was likeseriously, like mad at me, very,
not happy, yeah, not happy,yeah, and so, but I remember you
know how god is so good uh,when they brought my home, my
dad home, when they said therewas nothing more that they could
do and we put him in hospice.
And you know he had mentionedto me before he got sick that he
wanted to be in his own home.
He didn't want to be innobody's hospital, and I
promised him that we set up mybrother's old bedroom, you know,
for the hospice people and allthat.
And I remember that day I wasat the hospital.
(25:21):
My dad was comatose.
They had doped him up so muchbecause of the pain and stuff.
Yeah, when they walked himthrough that door that night I
had my daddy.
He was talking.
He was so normal, it wasfreakish, I don't know what it
was.
He was like love, who won thegame tonight.
Love, I want some oatmeal andI'm like, because I'm like, I
(25:43):
just left you in the hospitalhours ago and you were comatose.
Speaker 2 (25:47):
You were doped up and then you're coming through the
door.
Speaker 4 (25:50):
The guys are bringing them through Love.
Hey, love, you were doped upand then you're coming through
the door.
The guys are bringing themthrough and I'll never forget.
I said I thank god for thisevery day.
I had not heard my daddy say heloved me in a while because of
the dementia and everything.
And I'll never forget I was inthere and daddy was just talking
and it's nice.
It's nice because I had, youknow, the room up, you know
right, the hospital bed was inthere.
Speaker 2 (26:10):
Tv you know all.
Speaker 4 (26:11):
You know all this stuff, Some stuff from home,
like a blanket or something likethat he was home.
Speaker 1 (26:15):
He was home, he was an ideal childhood home.
Speaker 4 (26:17):
He was just in my brother's room, that's right,
and I remember I was talking tohim.
I said you was an oatmeal daddy.
Yeah, I was an oatmeal.
My dad eat oatmeal.
I never heard about puttingpeanut butter.
Speaker 1 (26:32):
My dad would put a scoop of peanut butter in his
oatmeal.
Speaker 4 (26:34):
Let me tell you something.
My dad cooked some very strangethings for us when we were
growing up.
Speaker 5 (26:37):
Okay, I'm going to try it and.
Speaker 4 (26:39):
I remember saying okay, and I was walking out of
the room and I said okay, papi,I'm going to go get it.
Speaker 1 (26:58):
And I.
I had heard those words for solong.
I end each episode with asegment called the Snuggler.
Yes, it's not sexual, I know.
I just wanted to lower yourexpectations.
Speaker 2 (27:10):
I saw it with the way you rubbed my knee, yeah, and I
was like I just want to bringyou back down what.
Speaker 5 (27:17):
Let's snuggle up.
Speaker 1 (27:21):
It is advice either to other caregivers, or you wish
somebody would have told you.
Looking back on it, and you sayyou know what Caregiving will
be easier.
If you go on and snuggle up tothis fact or this approach,
it'll just make it go.
Speaker 5 (27:43):
Caregiving is going to always be easy if you just
care right.
You have to care and then thelifting will be easier.
But if you look at it as ifit's a chore, if you look at it
if it's an obligation, if youlook at it anything besides
positive, you're going to feeloverwhelmed and drained, because
those things, those feelings,come naturally.
(28:04):
But if you look at it as a care, as a blessing, as an
opportunity, as a privilege,then it, the low, will be much
lighter and people around youwill feel it, and then your the
transition, however itultimately turns up, turns out
will leave you feeling fulfilledversus feeling empty,
(28:24):
overwhelmed and regretful.
What bars, uh, this is, uh, theprince.
Speaker 1 (28:29):
This is the Prince Rainmaker.
For the end of the Snuggle.
Speaker 2 (28:34):
Up, that was the Snuggler right there, that was
good.
Number one Snuggle Up is relatedto caregiving, and it's
something that I have been hitwith personally lately in a
caregiving journey which couldbe towards a parent and also
towards other loved ones whomight be confronting really
(28:55):
difficult diagnoses.
So you know, maybe you'realready caring for your aging
parent and your aging parent isrelatively healthy, yet all of a
sudden, the dementia diagnosiscomes, or the cancer diagnosis
comes or something else that'sextremely serious and we'll
(29:16):
we'll call it terminal.
Um, for me, I think you know,you and I, we are women of
action.
Many women who are listening tothis podcast are also women of
action and we want to jump intoservice.
We want to jump into helping,healing, hurting, whatever that
is.
We're going to do somethingbecause it's going to, it feels
(29:39):
like the right thing to do, itfeels what we need to do.
It's just an act of devotion andwhat I have learned through my
company and through my personaljourney with caregiving recently
it's just to pause and to askthe question and to listen.
Pause, I'm sorry that you havethis diagnosis.
(30:04):
How would you like me tosupport you in this time?
Pause, how would you like to besupported?
And in doing so, they may sayjust love me, just feed me ice
cream and let me watch movies orgive me the top of the line
(30:27):
genetic research.
And I want to talk to the top10 physicians in this, and I
want to talk to the top threesurgeons in the area and I want
a second and third opinion.
Whatever it is that they'reasking for, help them, but
before you act, ask them whatdoes it look like for me to
support you and how do you wantto be supported?
Speaker 1 (30:47):
That's been Jen.
That's it.
We're going to button it upright there.
That is it.
Before you act, ask Woo Woo,that is so powerful.
That is merch.
Before you act, ask that is agood snuggle up.
(31:09):
That is good in everyrelationship.
That's good at work.
That is good in everyrelationship.
That's good at work.
That is good in a romanticrelationship.
I don't know where that wouldbe a negative mantra.
I can't think of one at thistime, thank you, thank you so
very much.
Let's snuggle up Number one.
(31:34):
It's hard.
What made you decide in thefirst place to even consider
being this deadbeat parent'scaregiver?
Something did.
There's a whole lot of thingsin your life you never even
(31:58):
thought about doing Like.
If you're a teacher, youprobably maybe never thought
about being a sumo wrestler.
Did you know?
You're actually supposed tocall it a small wrestler?
It's not even sumo.
We say sumo on the western sideof the world, but in Japan,
where it's from, they also saysmall.
So okay, just take that for me.
But there are a lot of thingsin this world that you've never
(32:19):
considered being or doing, oreating or drinking.
Something made you say I'll doit, even if it was with a little
bit of hesitation.
Peel that apart.
What is it?
Is it because you think it'sthe right thing to do?
(32:44):
Is it because you have grownpast the treatment that you
received as a child?
Or as a young adult, becauseyou have gone through some
spiritual awakening?
Whatever the case is, don't letscars and scar tissue keep you
(33:09):
from continuing on that patternand journey of growth.
Just don't let it happen.
Don't turn back to the darkness, lean into whatever it is that
made you consider being acaregiver for the person that
(33:31):
was once your bully.
Hope you enjoyed the best of2024 as much as we did bringing
it to you.
We hit some milestones 100episodes featured on NPR Top
three.
What For HFC get out of here2025?
(33:54):
Better have a hyperbolicchamber?
Better have compression shocks,all kind of stuff?
It's going to need oxygenbecause we coming in hot.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
And reminding y'all Patreon isopen.
It is open and ready for you,you, you, you and your mama too.
(34:21):
We are loading up things, allthings Zetty, all things podcast
, all things caregiving behindthe scenes, extra stuff J Smiles
comedy is dropping with her ownlittle collection within the
Jace Mouse studio Patreon.
Very, very soon.
It'll be less than a month, butyou want to go on and get in
(34:43):
there because there's exclusives.
That's kind of time sensitiveto whoever is in there first.
We've already had livebroadcast for people who are
already in and, uh, I'm gonna behonest, already had live
broadcasts for people who arealready in, and I'm going to be
honest because of, you know,branding matters.
(35:04):
So there's some stuff that Ijust can't say and do on the
World Wide Web that I can do inthe Patreon pantry Patreon
pantry.
So if you want to see and knowand hear and experience more of
what's happening between my ears, come to the J Smile studio, my
(35:27):
Patreon pantry.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Intentionally Disturbing
Join me on this podcast as I navigate the murky waters of human behavior, current events, and personal anecdotes through in-depth interviews with incredible people—all served with a generous helping of sarcasm and satire. After years as a forensic and clinical psychologist, I offer a unique interview style and a low tolerance for bullshit, quickly steering conversations toward depth and darkness. I honor the seriousness while also appreciating wit. I’m your guide through the twisted labyrinth of the human psyche, armed with dark humor and biting wit.