August 11, 2025 • 30 mins
Have you ever witnessed someone persevere to no end to maintain a connection with someone they cared about? That's exactly what happened when my mother's DC circle refused to let her disappear after my dad's death.
When Betty began bombarding my mother's phone, email, and even her old-school answering machine with messages, I initially dismissed it as an unwelcome intrusion. We were deep in grief, struggling with the aftermath of my dad's passing, and I had no energy for reconnecting with old friends. Little did I know this persistent woman would create one of the most healing moments in our early dementia journey.
Betty and two other powerful Black female professionals had worked with my mother for decades, forming bonds I hadn't fully understood. "If you don't have nobody in your life willing to go that hard in the paint and keep worrying the sh*t out of people they think can get to you," I now realize, "then you need to check your crew." Their insistence on seeing my mother face-to-face led to a remarkable reunion at a DC hotel that changed everything.
When these women demanded time alone with my mother, I reluctantly stepped away, worried about leaving her without my supervision. When I came back, I heard something that stopped me in my tracks – my mother's genuine, unrestrained laughter echoing down the hallway.
This experience fundamentally changed my approach to caregiving. Sometimes the best thing we can do is step aside and allow longstanding connections to work their magic.
What connections have you been maintaining or perhaps neglecting in your caregiving journey? Who might be trying to reach you or your loved one that deserves a chance to connect? Your village might be larger and more determined than you realize.
Executive Producer/Host: J Smiles Comedy
Producer: Mia Hall
Editor: Annelise Udoye
"Alzheimer's is heavy but we ain't gotta be!"
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
If you don't have nobody in your life that's
willing to go that hard in thepaint and keep worrying the shit
out of the people that theythink can get to you with email
text, leaving a voicemail outloud on the old school answering
machine, then you need to checkyour crew.
She said I gotta see you.
(00:21):
I don't want to talk to her, nomore, I don't want to talk to
you, no more, I don't want totalk to you, no more.
I got to see you and I was likeokay, well, she said all of us
want to see you, betty and theother two.
These women were still workingrunning half of the Eastern
(00:42):
Seaboard and she said you tellme when you can get your mama to
DC and I'll get everybody elseready.
I was like I'm sorry what?
I'm walking down this feelinglike I'm in the White House.
All of a sudden, all I hear isHa, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
(01:05):
ha, ha, ha, ha ha.
That's not what happened.
Ha'all.
They are kicking and laughingso hard.
I hear them down the hall.
I turn the knob to go in theroom.
My mama is there and wiping hermouth with the linen cloth to
(01:30):
cover it, to not spit the foodout, that's.
I don't know what the hell theywere talking about.
I don't know what they said.
I don't know if the content oftheir words made sense to her,
but I know she was laughing andI know she was okay.
Parenting Up, caregivingAdventures with Comedian J
(01:52):
Smiles is the intense journey ofunexpectedly being fully
responsible for my mama.
For over a decade I've beenchipping away at the unknown,
advocating for her and pushingAlzheimer's awareness on anyone
and anything with a heartbeat.
Spoiler alert this shit isheavy.
(02:14):
That's why I started doingcomedy.
So be ready for the jokes.
Caregiver newbies, ogs andvillage members just willing to
prop up a caregiver, you are inthe right place.
Hi, this is Zeddy.
I hope you enjoy my daughter'spodcast.
(02:37):
Is that okay?
Today's supporter shout out isfrom YouTube, janelle Bowles
8207.
We are watching the podcast.
Mama laughed out loud when yousaid squoze, with four emoji
(02:59):
laughing faces.
Now that is the.
I remember that episode.
That's a part of the Detroittour, so go watch it if you
haven't.
Thank you so much, janelleBowles 8207.
If you want to receive asupporter shout out, you know
what to do.
Leave a review, apple Podcasts,youtube, instagram and, of
(03:25):
course, text me.
You know the text, communitynumber.
You got it All right.
Today's episode that's whatFriends Are For Parenting up
family.
We about to go back.
We about to go way back to amoment that was real tricky for
(03:48):
me and Zeddy.
Okay, it's like February 2012.
My dad had I mean, his body wasprobably still warm in the
grave.
You understand what I'm saying.
It's like maybe he had beengone about a month and my mom
(04:08):
was still working.
There was no dementia, noAlzheimer's, you know, there was
just shock because my dad wasdead.
Then there is text messagesblowing up my phone from a 202
(04:30):
number that I don't recognize.
Now, 202 is Washington DC and Iwent to Howard and I'll just
say, while I grew up inMontgomery Alabama, I became a
woman in Washington DC.
So at first I was like well,who, who is this?
Right?
(04:50):
Maybe somebody one of my, youknow old bays found out that my
dad died.
They trying to get in touchwith me, but I didn't care to
try to figure out anything, so Ididn't answer, so that stopped.
Then there are these emails thatare coming through to my mom's
(05:15):
home email address and herbusiness email address that are
bouncing over to her staff.
Because right now.
Now, at that point she wastrash with answering any of her
emails.
Okay, so they're like Janae,these people, uh, this lady is
emailing your mom saying sheknew her from DC.
(05:38):
And I'm thinking, listen, we'restill trying to find my daddy's
will.
I'm trying to figure out if Itook my medicine today.
I'm trying to make sure I haveenough Remy Martin 1738 to make
me through the weekend.
I don't know who this lady isin DC, so I ignore that y'all.
(06:00):
Then, okay, zeddy and Jockostill had the old school
answering machine Click and youcould hear it out loud.
I hear on the answering machineI'm not going to say her last
name, this is Betty.
And if somebody don't call meback and tell me what's going on
(06:23):
with Yvette, I'm coming toAlabama.
And I knew that voice and Iknew that person and I said, oh
shit, I call my mom's office andI say tell me the name of the
lady that's been sending theemails.
And then I replayed thevoicemail.
Well, I shouldn't say voicemail, because it really is the old
(06:46):
school answer machine.
Listen to the callback numberY'all.
Why the 202 number?
I've been ignoring the lady whobeen emailing my mom's office.
It's the same Betty.
It's been stalking my mama anda little bit me.
It's been stalking my mama anda little bit me and saying if
somebody don't tell me where thehell Yvette is, I'm coming to
(07:10):
Alabama.
Now.
That sounds extreme To me, butpause for a second.
I'm going to tell you right now.
If you don't have nobody inyour life that's willing to go
that hard in the paint and keepworrying the shit out of the
(07:30):
people that they think can getto you with email text, leaving
a voicemail out loud on the oldschool answering machine, then
you need to check your crew.
You need to modify your crew.
Turns out this lady, betty,worked with my mom in the 90s
and the 2000s in Washington DCand she heard that my dad died.
(07:55):
She'd been calling my mother'scell phone and didn't get a
response, and she decided thatshe'd had enough of not getting
a response from my mama.
She didn't let it go.
Can you imagine how many peoplewould have just said well, you
know what?
I bet she is distraught.
Her husband died.
She's probably busy.
(08:16):
They weren't best friends.
They didn't go to collegetogether.
They didn't grow up together.
She wasn't in my mama's weddingto college together.
They didn't grow up together.
She wasn't in my mama's wedding.
Next thing I know I'm callingher back.
I'm like, hey, hey, miss Betty,that's how you're supposed to
talk to people that's older thanyou.
(08:36):
When you from the South, it'sJanae.
I don't know if you remember me.
Of course I remember you.
Now, fast forward a little bit.
Well, not fast forward, fastbackwards to the forward, how do
you want to put it?
While I was at Howard in DC,betty was one of the people who
(08:59):
made sure that my life stayedwithin legal boundaries.
I'll put it like that, right.
So my mom had a cast of powerbrokers looking out for me in DC
and I didn't know it, and Bettywas one of those.
(09:20):
She was like girl I have knownabout your whole life since you
were in middle school.
I knew about you before, whatyou were doing, before you could
drive a car.
I know you're not calling me,asking me do I remember you?
Do you remember me?
The level of detail that thislady had on my life when I went
(09:41):
to Howard, when I finished, whenI went to Stanford, the first
time I got my heart broken.
She was like your mama calledus and told us about that boy
that broke your heart.
We were all looking, we wereabout to kill that nigga.
I said did you say nigga?
She said I did, because he wasacting like a nigga, because no
black man would treat a girllike you, who is perfect, like
(10:01):
that.
Right, this is my mama's workcolleague.
I want to go a step further.
They didn't work together andhave like a boss in common.
My mom was the consultant.
This lady worked for the cityof DC.
My mama ain't never live in DC,but that's the kind of bond
(10:25):
they formed.
So it was that lady Betty andtwo others all lawyers, black
female lawyers and this blackfemale CPA from Alabama through
(10:50):
the 80s and 90s and early 2000sformed a bond that I guess their
spouses and children didn'treally understand, because, I
mean, we didn't travel together,we didn't kick it for family
reunion, like I don't.
I mean you know what I'm saying.
Anyway, betty tells me, jenea,I need to talk to your mama and
I'm like, okay, y'all, zeddywouldn't call back.
Now, maybe I should have knownsomething then when Zeddy didn't
(11:14):
call back.
So Betty's calling me.
I haven't heard from your mama.
I haven't heard from your mama.
Now, if I call a spade, acucumber, I'm going to think
Zeddy was avoiding Betty Becauseshe knew Betty would not let
her ass get away withsugarcoating the truth.
(11:36):
Betty was going to hold herfeet to the fire on how you
doing.
How bad was it after jock, whathappened?
My mom ain't want to do none ofthat.
She want to have thatconversation.
So she didn't call her.
So then a few months pass, y'all.
Next thing Betty calls mymama's office and goes in so
(12:01):
hard on Zeddy's receptionistthat the receptionist calls me
crying Is this lady your aunt?
She was so ugly to me.
She said that if I didn't makesure that your mama called her
back or you call her back today,then I better know something.
Because da-la-la-la-la, who isshe?
(12:22):
I was like, uh no, I mean she'snot an aunt.
But I mean, mind you, norelative fought this hard to
find me or Zeddy during thissame period of time.
So I call her back and she saysby this time maybe four or five
(12:49):
months have passed, but Zeddyhas.
We have not had the event thatmade me take Zeddy to California
for auto diagnosis.
She said I got to see your mom.
I don't want to talk to her nomore.
I don't want to talk to you nomore.
I got to see her and I was like, okay, well, she said all of us
(13:09):
want to see you, betty and theother two.
These women were still working,running half of the Eastern
seaboard and she said you tellme when you can get your mama to
DC and I'll get everybody elseready.
I was like I'm sorry what shesaid.
(13:30):
You heard me.
That's your choice.
Your choice is the date.
You see, I'm grown.
I thought I thought I was grown.
I'm in my forts when this ladycalls me with this.
But this is how it goes down.
When people say, have a village, have a crew, it takes a
(13:51):
village.
The people that you need willshow up when you need them.
This is an example of that.
So I did it.
I was like shit, you know what?
Nobody else was asking me tobring my mama to them.
Nobody else was creating anenvironment where they said we
(14:13):
need to see her, love on her andcheck on her and we want to see
you.
She was like bring your blackass with her.
Don't send her with nobody else, don't send her with her sister
or any of your siblings.
I was like wow, okay, okay.
So I booked the Jefferson Hoteland I'm shouting them out on
(14:33):
purpose, the little boutiquehotel in Washington DC.
They took such good care of us.
My mom was obviously slower bythis point Everything hadn't
fallen apart yet but she wasslower and I was very protective
of her.
I'll put it like that Y'all Icall that.
(14:56):
They have a very refined diningexperience and I told them, hey
, this is what I need,experience.
And I told them, hey, this iswhat I need.
I don't want your limited roomservice menu, I need to have the
(15:18):
full options of your Michelinstar rated dining in the lobby
for this hotel suite.
Well, no, ma'am, we can't.
I was like I know you can't, Iknow you can't, I know it's
against the rules, but let metell you.
So Betty and these two otherwomen are coming to see my mama
and I cannot give them nofucking cheeseburgers and
(15:40):
cheesecake.
You feel what I'm saying, dude?
Now what do we need to do?
Who needs a better tip?
Who needs the Google review,the TripAdvisor review, to make
it be?
Where do I need to come get itand bring it on the platter to
(16:03):
myself?
Yo, these people were so nicewith it.
They gave me the menu.
I sent the menu in advance toZeddy and her DC crew.
It's these three ladies thathave been holding my mama down
for decades professionally, andI didn't know it until they
started telling me the stories.
My mama never shared all thosestories.
They ordered their meals inadvance.
I make sure that we have asuite, not because I'm trying to
(16:25):
be high post, because, if youreally know me, I don't like.
Anyway, I could be a littletight.
I said I need a seating areaand enough of a table for there
to be three women where all thisfood is spread out.
Don't you know, my mama's DCcrew would not let me have a
meal with them.
(16:45):
They said we need your mama byourselves.
To that point my mama had notbeen without me since my daddy
died.
I was like what you mean?
They were like there's somethings we need to talk to your
mama about and ask her that wewould prefer, if you weren't
there, what I'm like.
(17:08):
Well, what if I'm in the otherroom, just in case she needs me?
Or you know, she getsuncomfortable, y'all they gave
me that.
Look Now, if you're not blackand you listening or watching
this, you probably have at leastseen a black movie or a music
video or heard about it in anR&B song.
(17:28):
They gave me the black mama.
Look Like I know so damn well.
You don't think we don't knowhow to deal with our girl and
that your little young ass canprotect her from us like you
even need to.
I mean and I'm babbling nowbecause I see their faces on me
(17:52):
I'm trying to tell you what Ididn't do was push on them any
further.
Now, the Jefferson Hotel is avery Americana kind of thing.
You know, imagine like a richCarlton, so a real, like
12-pound curtains and tassels,and you know mahogany carved leg
(18:19):
furniture, this kind of thing.
And so they bring in all thefood.
They're putting stuff out.
You know they're in all thefood.
They're putting stuff out.
You know they're plating thefood.
I was like, damn y'all, youreally did bring the dining
experience to this hotel room.
Thank you very much.
They are stay looking at melike so when are you leaving?
(18:43):
And I'm like, ah, shit, y'all,I'm playing about this.
I'm like, but I didn't orderanything, I was just gonna, you
know, see if y'all were cool andmaybe just go another room.
They were like you don't.
You went to Howard, you pledgedDelta up here, we know, and
they've given me the shoe fany'all.
They showed me with their hand.
We know you got some people intown.
(19:05):
Call somebody, go get a drink,go eat.
Why don't you take a break?
You probably need a break.
Take yourself two or threehours.
I was panicking.
How can I leave my mom like Iknow she's cool with these
ladies, but I don't know themlike that.
And mommy has started to showsigns of being fragile and while
(19:29):
she recognized them when shesaw him and she was like, oh hey
, so good to see you, she didn'tcall any of them by name and
she didn't like grab my hand andsay, jg, you remember when you
were in high school she sent youyour first pair of cowboy boots
(19:50):
, which is what Zeddy wouldremember.
So I was monitoring these types, or the lack of these types of
verbal interactions with my mom.
But you ain't about to goagainst three black mamas on the
same page who already havefought with me to love on my
(20:12):
mama.
So I ended up just goingdownstairs.
I called a few of my people inDC and said you come meet me
here and I said hey, y'all, I'llbe downstairs.
If you need anything, I'll beback up in about an hour or so,
all I know, when I returned tothe room I, the carpet is like
(20:40):
the best Persian rug lookingthing.
You know all the nice pastel,blues and greens and reds and
yellows and the walls are filledwith all kind of chair railing.
(21:07):
You know it's a mess if you gotchair railing in the hall
because ain't no chair, ain't nochair there, what's about to
bump up against it and make amark?
Anyway, they're just going fora pump and circumstance.
I'm walking down this feelinglike I'm in the White House.
All of a sudden all I hear is Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
(21:27):
, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ha.
That's not what happened.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,ha ha.
Y'all.
They are kicking and laughingso hard.
I hear them down the hall.
I I turned the knob to go in theroom.
(21:51):
My mama is laughing and wipingher mouth with the linen cloth
to cover it, to not spit thefood out, that's.
I don't know what the hell theywere talking about.
I don't know what the hell theywere talking about.
(22:12):
I don't know what they said.
I don't know if the content oftheir words made sense to her,
but I know she was laughing andI know she was OK.
Her spirit was fed, her stomachwas fed and those women Check
the box that they needed of.
I'm my sister's keeper.
(22:32):
All I had to do was get out ofthe way, and it wasn't easy at
first.
It was not easy at first.
I don't know exactly what anyof you might be thinking or
feeling about people who try tocome in that might feel like
(22:56):
they coming in out of nowhere,like I don't really know you
what you want to see with mymama or my husband.
We fine, we got it, we to.
You know, batten down thehatches, put a moat around our
life.
I'm going to encourage you notto do that because your loved
(23:16):
one had, they had and havefriends, church members,
co-workers, family members, eventhat they're closer to you,
that they're closer to you, thatthey're closer to than you are,
that you don't understand allthose relationships.
To see my mama laughing thathard Made me cry y'all.
(23:38):
Now I ain't cried a snotty crylike somebody just died, but I
had to smile and I teared upbecause I was like, oh shit, I
would have ruined this momentand not let it happen, because
I'm sure if I had been in theroom, whatever conversation path
they went down, you know what Imean.
I don't know if that wouldhappen.
(23:58):
They were probably talking somegrown woman stuff or
reminiscing over what they didat work, and they did enough
that pulled my mom back in.
It was just dinner, it was justa moment of dinner in a hotel
room in DC, but they forced it,but they forced it out of love.
(24:29):
So the last part is if there'ssomebody that you've been trying
to reach and they're notanswering, or they haven't
responded or you ain't seen themin a while, it doesn't mean
that they don't love you or theydon't appreciate it or that you
(24:50):
can't add value.
Keep being pushy.
If your intuition is I need tocheck on this person or love on
them, go ahead and do that.
Go ahead and do that Because,as I will call it, my mama's DC
crew.
They came in a moment and putsome sunshine in our lives that
(25:13):
let me know we weren't alone.
Yes, they didn't live inAlabama.
No, they're not blood related,but we got people.
We got people and so do you.
The Snuggle-Ups Number one Timewaits for no one.
(25:36):
We hear that all the time.
We grew up with it.
I don't know how much we leaninto it.
I know for me it is wearing meout.
Time seems to be running awayfrom me, so why am I bringing it
up now?
Caregivers, take photos of yourLOs and their moments Record
(26:06):
video.
Get an audio even of themtalking Simple things, walking,
reading a magazine, them singinga song.
Definitely, if family orfriends are visiting, capture
that whole moment Photos, videos, whatever.
(26:29):
You can make a meme out of it.
You can make a GIF who cares?
But capture it Because as theydecline it'll be helpful to
remember where you started andto know that it hasn't always
been this dark and this heavy.
(26:51):
That's for you and for familymembers who aren't around as
much For grandkids andgreat-grandkids that haven't
been born yet.
Archive it, trust me.
(27:12):
Number two, newbies, especiallyif you're a caregiving newbie.
This is Jay Smiles, in mycapacity as a lawyer giving you
authority Y'all know I'm lying,anyway giving you authority to
(27:34):
listen to your LO's voicemails,go into their email, go into
their DMs on the social media.
This is if your LO has someform of dementia and advanced
cognitive decline and advancedcognitive decline.
I think you should probably tryto find out.
(27:57):
Is there someone like my mama'sDC crew, who slipped through
the cracks right A meaningfulpart of their life that you
don't know about.
Who's trying to get in touchwith them?
They don't know what the hellhappened.
Just all of a sudden, theirfriend, their colleague, their
(28:19):
role buddy, their ace, is justmissing.
That's what I'm saying.
I don't think it's a break intheir privacy under these
circumstances.
I mean, zeddy ain't had privacysince she became incontinent,
(28:40):
all right, so anyway, stay at it.
Number three caregivers all ofy'all the newbies, the OGs, the
people in between, all of y'allthe newbies, the OGs, the people
in between.
Let your family know who youconsider to be your top three
village members, because ifsomething happens to you, even
(29:03):
if you just have pneumonia for aweek and you down, your family
doesn't need to be guessingabout who to call and who to
tell they trying to remember whoyou were close to last year.
They don't know who the hellyou mad with.
Now they're like, oh, that washer best friend.
They travel all the time.
(29:24):
Well, I'm going to tell youthis who I travel with the most
is actually not my best friend.
Therefore, that would be awhole misnomer.
So tell them caregivers, letthem know so if something
happens to you or if you're downfor a minute, they're not also
having to guess something thatmeaningful, because usually your
(29:48):
village also knows thesecondary and tertiary village
members and they can just getthe word out much faster than
your family trying to break thecode on your social media.
Thank you for tuning in.
I mean really, really, really.
(30:10):
Thank you so very much fortuning in.
I mean really, really, really.
Thank you so very much fortuning in.
Whether you're watching this onYouTube or if you're listening
on your favorite podcast audioplatform.
Either way, wherever you are,subscribe, come back.
That's the way you're going toknow when we do something next.
Y'all know how it is.
I'm J Smiles.
(30:30):
I might just drop something hotin the middle of the night.
If you don't have nobody in your life that's
willing to go that hard in thepaint and keep worrying the shit
out of the people that theythink can get to you with email
text, leaving a voicemail outloud on the old school answering
machine, then you need to checkyour crew.
She said I gotta see you.
(00:21):
I don't want to talk to her, nomore, I don't want to talk to
you, no more, I don't want totalk to you, no more.
I got to see you and I was likeokay, well, she said all of us
want to see you, betty and theother two.
These women were still workingrunning half of the Eastern
(00:42):
Seaboard and she said you tellme when you can get your mama to
DC and I'll get everybody elseready.
I was like I'm sorry what?
I'm walking down this feelinglike I'm in the White House.
All of a sudden, all I hear isHa, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
(01:05):
ha, ha, ha, ha ha.
That's not what happened.
Ha'all.
They are kicking and laughingso hard.
I hear them down the hall.
I turn the knob to go in theroom.
My mama is there and wiping hermouth with the linen cloth to
(01:30):
cover it, to not spit the foodout, that's.
I don't know what the hell theywere talking about.
I don't know what they said.
I don't know if the content oftheir words made sense to her,
but I know she was laughing andI know she was okay.
Parenting Up, caregivingAdventures with Comedian J
(01:52):
Smiles is the intense journey ofunexpectedly being fully
responsible for my mama.
For over a decade I've beenchipping away at the unknown,
advocating for her and pushingAlzheimer's awareness on anyone
and anything with a heartbeat.
Spoiler alert this shit isheavy.
(02:14):
That's why I started doingcomedy.
So be ready for the jokes.
Caregiver newbies, ogs andvillage members just willing to
prop up a caregiver, you are inthe right place.
Hi, this is Zeddy.
I hope you enjoy my daughter'spodcast.
(02:37):
Is that okay?
Today's supporter shout out isfrom YouTube, janelle Bowles
8207.
We are watching the podcast.
Mama laughed out loud when yousaid squoze, with four emoji
(02:59):
laughing faces.
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I remember that episode.
That's a part of the Detroittour, so go watch it if you
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(03:25):
course, text me.
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You got it All right.
Today's episode that's whatFriends Are For Parenting up
family.
We about to go back.
We about to go way back to amoment that was real tricky for
(03:48):
me and Zeddy.
Okay, it's like February 2012.
My dad had I mean, his body wasprobably still warm in the
grave.
You understand what I'm saying.
It's like maybe he had beengone about a month and my mom
(04:08):
was still working.
There was no dementia, noAlzheimer's, you know, there was
just shock because my dad wasdead.
Then there is text messagesblowing up my phone from a 202
(04:30):
number that I don't recognize.
Now, 202 is Washington DC and Iwent to Howard and I'll just
say, while I grew up inMontgomery Alabama, I became a
woman in Washington DC.
So at first I was like well,who, who is this?
Right?
(04:50):
Maybe somebody one of my, youknow old bays found out that my
dad died.
They trying to get in touchwith me, but I didn't care to
try to figure out anything, so Ididn't answer, so that stopped.
Then there are these emails thatare coming through to my mom's
(05:15):
home email address and herbusiness email address that are
bouncing over to her staff.
Because right now.
Now, at that point she wastrash with answering any of her
emails.
Okay, so they're like Janae,these people, uh, this lady is
emailing your mom saying sheknew her from DC.
(05:38):
And I'm thinking, listen, we'restill trying to find my daddy's
will.
I'm trying to figure out if Itook my medicine today.
I'm trying to make sure I haveenough Remy Martin 1738 to make
me through the weekend.
I don't know who this lady isin DC, so I ignore that y'all.
(06:00):
Then, okay, zeddy and Jockostill had the old school
answering machine Click and youcould hear it out loud.
I hear on the answering machineI'm not going to say her last
name, this is Betty.
And if somebody don't call meback and tell me what's going on
(06:23):
with Yvette, I'm coming toAlabama.
And I knew that voice and Iknew that person and I said, oh
shit, I call my mom's office andI say tell me the name of the
lady that's been sending theemails.
And then I replayed thevoicemail.
Well, I shouldn't say voicemail, because it really is the old
(06:46):
school answer machine.
Listen to the callback numberY'all.
Why the 202 number?
I've been ignoring the lady whobeen emailing my mom's office.
It's the same Betty.
It's been stalking my mama anda little bit me.
It's been stalking my mama anda little bit me and saying if
somebody don't tell me where thehell Yvette is, I'm coming to
(07:10):
Alabama.
Now.
That sounds extreme To me, butpause for a second.
I'm going to tell you right now.
If you don't have nobody inyour life that's willing to go
that hard in the paint and keepworrying the shit out of the
(07:30):
people that they think can getto you with email text, leaving
a voicemail out loud on the oldschool answering machine, then
you need to check your crew.
You need to modify your crew.
Turns out this lady, betty,worked with my mom in the 90s
and the 2000s in Washington DCand she heard that my dad died.
(07:55):
She'd been calling my mother'scell phone and didn't get a
response, and she decided thatshe'd had enough of not getting
a response from my mama.
She didn't let it go.
Can you imagine how many peoplewould have just said well, you
know what?
I bet she is distraught.
Her husband died.
She's probably busy.
(08:16):
They weren't best friends.
They didn't go to collegetogether.
They didn't grow up together.
She wasn't in my mama's weddingto college together.
They didn't grow up together.
She wasn't in my mama's wedding.
Next thing I know I'm callingher back.
I'm like, hey, hey, miss Betty,that's how you're supposed to
talk to people that's older thanyou.
(08:36):
When you from the South, it'sJanae.
I don't know if you remember me.
Of course I remember you.
Now, fast forward a little bit.
Well, not fast forward, fastbackwards to the forward, how do
you want to put it?
While I was at Howard in DC,betty was one of the people who
(08:59):
made sure that my life stayedwithin legal boundaries.
I'll put it like that, right.
So my mom had a cast of powerbrokers looking out for me in DC
and I didn't know it, and Bettywas one of those.
(09:20):
She was like girl I have knownabout your whole life since you
were in middle school.
I knew about you before, whatyou were doing, before you could
drive a car.
I know you're not calling me,asking me do I remember you?
Do you remember me?
The level of detail that thislady had on my life when I went
(09:41):
to Howard, when I finished, whenI went to Stanford, the first
time I got my heart broken.
She was like your mama calledus and told us about that boy
that broke your heart.
We were all looking, we wereabout to kill that nigga.
I said did you say nigga?
She said I did, because he wasacting like a nigga, because no
black man would treat a girllike you, who is perfect, like
(10:01):
that.
Right, this is my mama's workcolleague.
I want to go a step further.
They didn't work together andhave like a boss in common.
My mom was the consultant.
This lady worked for the cityof DC.
My mama ain't never live in DC,but that's the kind of bond
(10:25):
they formed.
So it was that lady Betty andtwo others all lawyers, black
female lawyers and this blackfemale CPA from Alabama through
(10:50):
the 80s and 90s and early 2000sformed a bond that I guess their
spouses and children didn'treally understand, because, I
mean, we didn't travel together,we didn't kick it for family
reunion, like I don't.
I mean you know what I'm saying.
Anyway, betty tells me, jenea,I need to talk to your mama and
I'm like, okay, y'all, zeddywouldn't call back.
Now, maybe I should have knownsomething then when Zeddy didn't
(11:14):
call back.
So Betty's calling me.
I haven't heard from your mama.
I haven't heard from your mama.
Now, if I call a spade, acucumber, I'm going to think
Zeddy was avoiding Betty Becauseshe knew Betty would not let
her ass get away withsugarcoating the truth.
(11:36):
Betty was going to hold herfeet to the fire on how you
doing.
How bad was it after jock, whathappened?
My mom ain't want to do none ofthat.
She want to have thatconversation.
So she didn't call her.
So then a few months pass, y'all.
Next thing Betty calls mymama's office and goes in so
(12:01):
hard on Zeddy's receptionistthat the receptionist calls me
crying Is this lady your aunt?
She was so ugly to me.
She said that if I didn't makesure that your mama called her
back or you call her back today,then I better know something.
Because da-la-la-la-la, who isshe?
(12:22):
I was like, uh no, I mean she'snot an aunt.
But I mean, mind you, norelative fought this hard to
find me or Zeddy during thissame period of time.
So I call her back and she saysby this time maybe four or five
(12:49):
months have passed, but Zeddyhas.
We have not had the event thatmade me take Zeddy to California
for auto diagnosis.
She said I got to see your mom.
I don't want to talk to her nomore.
I don't want to talk to you nomore.
I got to see her and I was like, okay, well, she said all of us
(13:09):
want to see you, betty and theother two.
These women were still working,running half of the Eastern
seaboard and she said you tellme when you can get your mama to
DC and I'll get everybody elseready.
I was like I'm sorry what shesaid.
(13:30):
You heard me.
That's your choice.
Your choice is the date.
You see, I'm grown.
I thought I thought I was grown.
I'm in my forts when this ladycalls me with this.
But this is how it goes down.
When people say, have a village, have a crew, it takes a
(13:51):
village.
The people that you need willshow up when you need them.
This is an example of that.
So I did it.
I was like shit, you know what?
Nobody else was asking me tobring my mama to them.
Nobody else was creating anenvironment where they said we
(14:13):
need to see her, love on her andcheck on her and we want to see
you.
She was like bring your blackass with her.
Don't send her with nobody else, don't send her with her sister
or any of your siblings.
I was like wow, okay, okay.
So I booked the Jefferson Hoteland I'm shouting them out on
(14:33):
purpose, the little boutiquehotel in Washington DC.
They took such good care of us.
My mom was obviously slower bythis point Everything hadn't
fallen apart yet but she wasslower and I was very protective
of her.
I'll put it like that Y'all Icall that.
(14:56):
They have a very refined diningexperience and I told them, hey
, this is what I need,experience.
And I told them, hey, this iswhat I need.
I don't want your limited roomservice menu, I need to have the
(15:18):
full options of your Michelinstar rated dining in the lobby
for this hotel suite.
Well, no, ma'am, we can't.
I was like I know you can't, Iknow you can't, I know it's
against the rules, but let metell you.
So Betty and these two otherwomen are coming to see my mama
and I cannot give them nofucking cheeseburgers and
(15:40):
cheesecake.
You feel what I'm saying, dude?
Now what do we need to do?
Who needs a better tip?
Who needs the Google review,the TripAdvisor review, to make
it be?
Where do I need to come get itand bring it on the platter to
(16:03):
myself?
Yo, these people were so nicewith it.
They gave me the menu.
I sent the menu in advance toZeddy and her DC crew.
It's these three ladies thathave been holding my mama down
for decades professionally, andI didn't know it until they
started telling me the stories.
My mama never shared all thosestories.
They ordered their meals inadvance.
I make sure that we have asuite, not because I'm trying to
(16:25):
be high post, because, if youreally know me, I don't like.
Anyway, I could be a littletight.
I said I need a seating areaand enough of a table for there
to be three women where all thisfood is spread out.
Don't you know, my mama's DCcrew would not let me have a
meal with them.
(16:45):
They said we need your mama byourselves.
To that point my mama had notbeen without me since my daddy
died.
I was like what you mean?
They were like there's somethings we need to talk to your
mama about and ask her that wewould prefer, if you weren't
there, what I'm like.
(17:08):
Well, what if I'm in the otherroom, just in case she needs me?
Or you know, she getsuncomfortable, y'all they gave
me that.
Look Now, if you're not blackand you listening or watching
this, you probably have at leastseen a black movie or a music
video or heard about it in anR&B song.
(17:28):
They gave me the black mama.
Look Like I know so damn well.
You don't think we don't knowhow to deal with our girl and
that your little young ass canprotect her from us like you
even need to.
I mean and I'm babbling nowbecause I see their faces on me
(17:52):
I'm trying to tell you what Ididn't do was push on them any
further.
Now, the Jefferson Hotel is avery Americana kind of thing.
You know, imagine like a richCarlton, so a real, like
12-pound curtains and tassels,and you know mahogany carved leg
(18:19):
furniture, this kind of thing.
And so they bring in all thefood.
They're putting stuff out.
You know they're in all thefood.
They're putting stuff out.
You know they're plating thefood.
I was like, damn y'all, youreally did bring the dining
experience to this hotel room.
Thank you very much.
They are stay looking at melike so when are you leaving?
(18:43):
And I'm like, ah, shit, y'all,I'm playing about this.
I'm like, but I didn't orderanything, I was just gonna, you
know, see if y'all were cool andmaybe just go another room.
They were like you don't.
You went to Howard, you pledgedDelta up here, we know, and
they've given me the shoe fany'all.
They showed me with their hand.
We know you got some people intown.
(19:05):
Call somebody, go get a drink,go eat.
Why don't you take a break?
You probably need a break.
Take yourself two or threehours.
I was panicking.
How can I leave my mom like Iknow she's cool with these
ladies, but I don't know themlike that.
And mommy has started to showsigns of being fragile and while
(19:29):
she recognized them when shesaw him and she was like, oh hey
, so good to see you, she didn'tcall any of them by name and
she didn't like grab my hand andsay, jg, you remember when you
were in high school she sent youyour first pair of cowboy boots
(19:50):
, which is what Zeddy wouldremember.
So I was monitoring these types, or the lack of these types of
verbal interactions with my mom.
But you ain't about to goagainst three black mamas on the
same page who already havefought with me to love on my
(20:12):
mama.
So I ended up just goingdownstairs.
I called a few of my people inDC and said you come meet me
here and I said hey, y'all, I'llbe downstairs.
If you need anything, I'll beback up in about an hour or so,
all I know, when I returned tothe room I, the carpet is like
(20:40):
the best Persian rug lookingthing.
You know all the nice pastel,blues and greens and reds and
yellows and the walls are filledwith all kind of chair railing.
(21:07):
You know it's a mess if you gotchair railing in the hall
because ain't no chair, ain't nochair there, what's about to
bump up against it and make amark?
Anyway, they're just going fora pump and circumstance.
I'm walking down this feelinglike I'm in the White House.
All of a sudden all I hear is Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
(21:27):
, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ha.
That's not what happened.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,ha ha.
Y'all.
They are kicking and laughingso hard.
I hear them down the hall.
I I turned the knob to go in theroom.
(21:51):
My mama is laughing and wipingher mouth with the linen cloth
to cover it, to not spit thefood out, that's.
I don't know what the hell theywere talking about.
I don't know what the hell theywere talking about.
(22:12):
I don't know what they said.
I don't know if the content oftheir words made sense to her,
but I know she was laughing andI know she was OK.
Her spirit was fed, her stomachwas fed and those women Check
the box that they needed of.
I'm my sister's keeper.
(22:32):
All I had to do was get out ofthe way, and it wasn't easy at
first.
It was not easy at first.
I don't know exactly what anyof you might be thinking or
feeling about people who try tocome in that might feel like
(22:56):
they coming in out of nowhere,like I don't really know you
what you want to see with mymama or my husband.
We fine, we got it, we to.
You know, batten down thehatches, put a moat around our
life.
I'm going to encourage you notto do that because your loved
(23:16):
one had, they had and havefriends, church members,
co-workers, family members, eventhat they're closer to you,
that they're closer to you, thatthey're closer to than you are,
that you don't understand allthose relationships.
To see my mama laughing thathard Made me cry y'all.
(23:38):
Now I ain't cried a snotty crylike somebody just died, but I
had to smile and I teared upbecause I was like, oh shit, I
would have ruined this momentand not let it happen, because
I'm sure if I had been in theroom, whatever conversation path
they went down, you know what Imean.
I don't know if that wouldhappen.
(23:58):
They were probably talking somegrown woman stuff or
reminiscing over what they didat work, and they did enough
that pulled my mom back in.
It was just dinner, it was justa moment of dinner in a hotel
room in DC, but they forced it,but they forced it out of love.
(24:29):
So the last part is if there'ssomebody that you've been trying
to reach and they're notanswering, or they haven't
responded or you ain't seen themin a while, it doesn't mean
that they don't love you or theydon't appreciate it or that you
(24:50):
can't add value.
Keep being pushy.
If your intuition is I need tocheck on this person or love on
them, go ahead and do that.
Go ahead and do that Because,as I will call it, my mama's DC
crew.
They came in a moment and putsome sunshine in our lives that
(25:13):
let me know we weren't alone.
Yes, they didn't live inAlabama.
No, they're not blood related,but we got people.
We got people and so do you.
The Snuggle-Ups Number one Timewaits for no one.
(25:36):
We hear that all the time.
We grew up with it.
I don't know how much we leaninto it.
I know for me it is wearing meout.
Time seems to be running awayfrom me, so why am I bringing it
up now?
Caregivers, take photos of yourLOs and their moments Record
(26:06):
video.
Get an audio even of themtalking Simple things, walking,
reading a magazine, them singinga song.
Definitely, if family orfriends are visiting, capture
that whole moment Photos, videos, whatever.
(26:29):
You can make a meme out of it.
You can make a GIF who cares?
But capture it Because as theydecline it'll be helpful to
remember where you started andto know that it hasn't always
been this dark and this heavy.
(26:51):
That's for you and for familymembers who aren't around as
much For grandkids andgreat-grandkids that haven't
been born yet.
Archive it, trust me.
(27:12):
Number two, newbies, especiallyif you're a caregiving newbie.
This is Jay Smiles, in mycapacity as a lawyer giving you
authority Y'all know I'm lying,anyway giving you authority to
(27:34):
listen to your LO's voicemails,go into their email, go into
their DMs on the social media.
This is if your LO has someform of dementia and advanced
cognitive decline and advancedcognitive decline.
I think you should probably tryto find out.
(27:57):
Is there someone like my mama'sDC crew, who slipped through
the cracks right A meaningfulpart of their life that you
don't know about.
Who's trying to get in touchwith them?
They don't know what the hellhappened.
Just all of a sudden, theirfriend, their colleague, their
(28:19):
role buddy, their ace, is justmissing.
That's what I'm saying.
I don't think it's a break intheir privacy under these
circumstances.
I mean, zeddy ain't had privacysince she became incontinent,
(28:40):
all right, so anyway, stay at it.
Number three caregivers all ofy'all the newbies, the OGs, the
people in between, all of y'allthe newbies, the OGs, the people
in between.
Let your family know who youconsider to be your top three
village members, because ifsomething happens to you, even
(29:03):
if you just have pneumonia for aweek and you down, your family
doesn't need to be guessingabout who to call and who to
tell they trying to remember whoyou were close to last year.
They don't know who the hellyou mad with.
Now they're like, oh, that washer best friend.
They travel all the time.
(29:24):
Well, I'm going to tell youthis who I travel with the most
is actually not my best friend.
Therefore, that would be awhole misnomer.
So tell them caregivers, letthem know so if something
happens to you or if you're downfor a minute, they're not also
having to guess something thatmeaningful, because usually your
(29:48):
village also knows thesecondary and tertiary village
members and they can just getthe word out much faster than
your family trying to break thecode on your social media.
Thank you for tuning in.
I mean really, really, really.
(30:10):
Thank you so very much fortuning in.
I mean really, really, really.
Thank you so very much fortuning in.
Whether you're watching this onYouTube or if you're listening
on your favorite podcast audioplatform.
Either way, wherever you are,subscribe, come back.
That's the way you're going toknow when we do something next.
Y'all know how it is.
I'm J Smiles.
(30:30):
I might just drop something hotin the middle of the night.
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