July 22, 2024 • 40 mins
What if you suddenly found yourself in a role you never imagined, caring for a loved one with Alzheimer's? Join me as I share my unexpected journey from an accomplished career in engineering, law, and activism to becoming a full-time caregiver for my mother, Zetty. Despite my professional background, caregiving was never part of my life plan.
Through humor and raw honesty, I share the emotional and physical weight of this unplanned responsibility, debunking the myth that caregiving is a natural fit for me. In this heartfelt episode, I reflect on the shifts in my life following Zetty's Alzheimer's diagnosis. From her love of travel and social justice to my own dreams of living abroad and an interrupted proposal, my story underscores how caregiving profoundly alters life plans.
I explore the concept of choice, showing how embracing caregiving as a conscious decision can help mitigate regret and confusion.
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"Alzheimer's is heavy but we ain't gotta be!"
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Parenting Up family if one more person says Jay, I'm
not like you, I don't know howto be a caregiver, you were born
to do this.
You're so good with Zeddy, youlove your mama, and you just
slide into.
What to say, how to hug on her,how to kiss her, what to ask
(00:23):
the doctors?
You must have been waiting tobe her caregiver.
Did you want to be a nurse?
Did you want to be a doctor?
You have siblings.
I bet you were the world's bestbabysitter.
Cut that shit right now, y'all.
I don't want to do this.
I don't want to do it no day.
(00:45):
No, how, no, not never.
Okay, not never.
Just because I do it and I putmy whole heart into it Don't
mean I like it, don't mean Iwant to do it and I'm about to
set the whole record.
Come on, come on.
I need y'all to lean in andlisten and look and get ready to
(01:10):
ask your questions right now.
Fold your arms, cause obviouslysomebody had been gotten
misunderstood on J Smiles andthis caregiving.
Parenting up caregivingadventures with comedian Dave
Smiles is the intense journey ofunexpectedly being fully
responsible for my mama.
(01:31):
For over a decade I've beenchipping away at the unknown,
advocating for her and pushingAlzheimer's awareness on anyone
and anything with a heartbeat.
Spoiler alert I started comedybecause this shit is so heavy,
so be ready for the jokes.
Caregiver newbies, ogs andvillage members just willing to
(01:52):
prop up a caregiver, you are inthe right place.
Hi, this is Zeddy.
I hope you enjoy my daughter'spodcast, is that okay?
(02:17):
Today's supporter shout-outcomes from Choir Pump.
That's, first of all.
That's an amazing, amazinghandle, so validating.
I finally feel like I have afriend who understands what's
going on in my life.
I'm only six months in with mycaregiving.
(02:40):
My mom has a brain tumor, soit's similar to what Jay is
dealing, dealt with.
I'm going to ask my supportsystem to listen.
Thank you so much.
Purple heart emoji and ChoirPunk asked her support or him or
(03:03):
her or they, I don't know.
Okay, the fact that it wassuggested to others also means
the world.
If you want to be featured onour supporter shout out, please
leave a review on Apple Podcaststhat's my preference or IG,
(03:27):
youtube, all the places Y'allknow where.
It is okay, but the point is,please review.
It matters A bunch.
I love you, zeddy loves you Alot.
Go vote.
When caregiver roles detouryour career goals, listen and
(03:58):
listen.
Well, nobody plans to be acaregiver, and by nobody I mean
me caregiver, and by nobody Imean me, I am nobody.
I had such a plan.
Y'all ain't gonna believe this.
I mean, I'm talking about Iplan plan.
I made list, my list had list.
Do you hear what I'm saying?
(04:19):
My mentors had mentees, myadvisors advisees.
I had a whole board ofdirectors, call me Inc.
I used to worry the shit out ofthem.
Am I on the right track?
Am I going to get where I needto be by 30, by 31.5?
I was not a game.
I didn't even want to have aplant, because a plant means you
(04:43):
had to go take care of it.
I would get a goldfish becausethey were supposed to die after
about a month.
So if I came home after acouple of weeks and the goldfish
was dead, I didn't feel thatbad because they weren't
supposed to live that long.
Do you understand?
I'm not supposed to beresponsible for nothing alive
like nothing.
Nothing alive Like the mold onthe food from my to-go carry out
(05:08):
.
Maybe I was responsible for themold I was growing.
That's how much.
I might not be responsible fornothing else inside my apartment
but me.
Anyway, this caregiving thingshowed up unwanted and
unwarranted.
I remember thinking what thehell I do to all of a sudden
(05:36):
have all of this?
But my mama needed me.
Actually, let me back up.
My first entree into caregivingwas with my mama's mama, glo.
Foxy Glo, miss Jackson, ifyou're nasty, but anyway.
That's my grandmama from NewOrleans and she called herself
(05:58):
Foxy Glo because anyway she washot, she had lung cancer, but I
was in my 30s.
I came home to help the family,but I wasn't about to give up
my life for it.
I'm going to just help y'allWhile grandmama, affectionately
known as Big Mama, for anybodywho's from the deep south, from
(06:19):
anywhere, if you're black in thewhole diaspora, big mama is the
matriarch, she's in charge.
She tells everybody what to do.
Whether you were born to her ornot, if you marry into the
family, the big mama or the mamais in charge of everybody.
So that was my big mama.
But I was just going to comehome to help out with her and
(06:43):
then go about my merry way.
And what about my merry way?
And what was my merry way?
So happy, you asked.
Mechanical engineer from Ford.
From Howard University.
I work for Ford Motor Company.
Product design engineering.
From Stanford.
I work for Gillette Law degreefrom Cumberland, I work for the
Ford and work for the Cochranfirm.
(07:05):
I spent over a decade working ineach of those fields working in
Africa and Italy and hadcreated this delicious network
of government, private andcreative sectors between
(07:26):
Southern the Southern part ofAfrica, not South Africa the
Southern part of Africa, italyand Spain, and then the United
States, and I was moving betweenthose three continents, shaking
and baking, and making it do.
I'm originally from Montgomery,alabama, so activism is at my
core, so I was creating productsthat would help young,
(08:04):
intellectually stimulatedAfrican girls who didn't have
the financial resources Getwhere I'm going with this, so
I'm putting together all mypassions and my love for travel.
I've never believed that Ibelong to any one city or any
one country.
Jay smiles as a global citizen.
Baby, if you got a son, givehim my number.
You feel what I'm saying.
I belong to these people, tothese streets, to these airways.
(08:26):
Okay, if I'm a lover, not afighter, I'm going to eat your
food, I want to drink your drinkand I want to hug and kiss your
babies.
I can live anywhere and I have.
I had five passports before Iwas 30, all double stitched in
the middle with the extra pages.
That's me.
(08:47):
I'm your girl.
Oh my God.
Such a good life, such a goodlife, such a good life.
That's what I was doing andthat's what I was planning on
doing until I had no more breathin this body.
There wasn't room for no manwho needed me to come back to
his house.
Every guy I dated knew, baby,you're going to have to come
(09:10):
visit me in Botswana or Bosnia.
Okay, if you needed me to stayin Birmingham, alabama, we
needed to make this be our lastnight together.
Let's just kiss and say goodbye.
(09:33):
So, caregivers, imagine mysurprise when my father dies and
my daddy dying literally justmade my mama have Alzheimer's.
I didn't even know that shitcould happen.
It still baffles me 12 yearslater that because somebody dies
(09:56):
, now you got dementia.
I mean because I saw it with myown eyes.
I believe it, but other thanthat, it's kind of like the sun
rising every day.
I still don't understand it.
I just have seen it happen somany times.
I believe it to be true, butit's stupid, like racism.
Racism is stupid, but ithappens, and I've seen it and
(10:17):
I've experienced it.
Like sexism, so it's true.
So now, all of a sudden, I'mlike but what about this life
that I've worked really hard?
Do you know how hard it was tostay not pregnant?
I'm telling you.
Did I tell y'all?
I went to Howard.
We never lost the party.
We in charge of all homecomings, we are the reason why
(10:39):
homecomings matter.
Okay, you heard about Drake.
Y'all know Drake, the rapper.
I don't care where you live, hewears our shirts in his videos.
He don't wear nobody else'sshirts.
We made the party baby.
Anyway, I've been to everycontinent, every one, not six
except Antarctica, because theydon't count.
(11:00):
A lot of people say that I wentto all of them except
Antarctica, because it doesn'tcount.
Why doesn't it count?
A lot of people say that I wentto all of them self an article
because it doesn't count.
Why doesn't it count?
There's seven continents andI've been to all of them and
hugged at least one person's sonon all of them, because that's
how you know it counts.
You were really there if youmet somebody's son.
Feel what I'm saying.
I'm experiencing this thing wecall life.
(11:23):
I'm experiencing this thing wecall life.
Ford had me in Spain when I was23 and I couldn't speak Spanish
.
That's how much life I'm tryingto live.
So when all of a sudden I'm incharge of my mama, I'm like what
do you mean?
I don't know how to be incharge of nothing.
This shit is hard and I don'twant to do it.
(11:45):
I need y'all to understand.
I don't want to be a caregiver.
No, I don't want to do it.
I don't want my mama to need meto do it.
(12:08):
Put that in your pipe and smokeit.
I don't want her to have thedisease that requires her to
need me to do it.
Do you know how many of myfamily members or of my friends
or the guys I've dated mama thesame age or younger and they
(12:29):
just the damn fine.
I just feel like it's a smack inmy face every time I see
somebody around my mama's agejust driving a car all over the
internet taking pictures goingto their family reunion, class
reunion, and my mama doesn'teven realize what month it is or
(12:49):
what year it is.
It pisses me off.
Why, why, why.
Now I'm not mad with her, I'mnot mad with God.
I don't even nobody even be madwith.
I'm not mad with God, I don'teven there's nobody to even be
mad with.
Who can I even point the fingerat.
You're stupid.
(13:10):
It's a waste of time.
It's a waste of time.
But I need y'all to knowbecause I get too many DMs and
emails and otherwise thingsaround.
Oh, jake man, you find yourcalling, find my calling, my ass
Don't.
Nobody want to be a caregiver.
It stinks, it sucks.
(13:32):
Like I am watching my mamaslowly erode and die every day.
My daddy slumped dead on thesofa I'm laughing because I'm a
comedian and I know he wouldlove that sentence.
Slumped on the sofa it's analliteration Y'all got to give
me that.
That's funny.
(13:54):
But my mama, I'm like watchingher forget how to read.
I'm watching her forget how totie her shoe, forget how to
brush her teeth, forget to spitout the stanky, slimy toothpaste
water.
If I, if I can get her to putthe toothpaste on the toothbrush
(14:20):
and then put the toothbrush inher mouth and then brush, you
can forget actually spitting outthe toothpaste.
Oh, baby, she about to swallowthat stuff and I'm watching all
of this step by step.
Who the hell wants to do that?
(14:41):
But then I don't want to come onthe podcast or on social media
every day and be like, oh my God, it sucks again.
There are enough people givingyou a reason to be sad.
Enough people giving you areason to be sad.
(15:02):
So what I share and what I talkabout, it's not a lie.
It's sections and sectors ofthe J Smiles caregiving journey
that I feel haven't been sharedalready by someone else.
But this sucks.
It's very dark and I doubt alot.
(15:26):
I got to tell you.
There are times when I think,damn, if Zetty didn't get
Alzheimer's, what would she bedoing?
Forget about what I would bedoing.
What would she be doing?
Y'all?
My mama was nowhere nearretiring.
(15:47):
What would she be doing?
I remember the trip she wantedto take.
She wanted to go to the HolyLand.
She loved bowling.
She loved roulette.
She would be in a ass aboutBlack Lives Matter.
Trump wouldn't stand a fuckingchance.
If my mama was alive, in herbrain, I don't really know what
(16:10):
she would do about it, but hisass would be in trouble,
especially because she's afinancial wizard, forensic,
accountant.
She would have scrubbed all hisbooks and explained to him how
come he didn't really have noneof them billions and how it was
all a lie and a farce.
A deck of cards, house of cards.
Whatever he was lying, he hadnone of that money.
That's one thing.
Maybe he would have never been45.
(16:31):
And then, hell yeah, I thinkabout what would my life be.
One thing is y'all I was neversupposed to live full stop in
the United States.
I was always going to livebetween Africa, europe and the
US, and now I legit have Apermanent residence in Georgia.
(16:54):
It's hilarious.
For like eight years I hadthree addresses.
Nobody even knew where to findme, and I wasn't running from
the mob or the law.
(17:15):
I literally just was movingaround that much Cause I had
those were my interests, wereyou know, but I don't doubt it
like, oh, I hate my life, butit's like, damn, what if I did
those product inventions that Ithought of?
(17:36):
What if I were, I was able tomove to the country that I
thought about?
Maybe I would be married, Idon't know.
Maybe the man of my life wasover there.
I don't know, I don't know.
Maybe I would sleep better atnight Because I would never pick
(18:03):
such a dry, sucky climate.
I would be in a warm, temperateclimate and all of my nostrils
would feel better.
Maybe I don't know.
A man that I like a lot asked meto go half on a baby.
(18:23):
He called me out of nowheresaid Jay, you're the one, the
one for what, the one for whatand to do what.
Honey.
He was like I've been talkingto my uncle, I really want a kid
(18:45):
, and you've always been the one, you've always been that woman
who and he rattled off a lot ofvery positive and flattering
adjectives.
I was like damn, now this manwas divorced and had two
children.
He said but you measure up tome as the perfect woman.
(19:09):
He gave me all the reasons.
He thought so.
Now, I ain't going to lie y'all.
I was like ha well shit, whyare you married to other girl If
I'm the one?
He said.
But he said I didn't say thatto him.
I thought that.
He said I'm older and wiser,I'm able to think things through
(19:31):
more clearly.
I said got.
You said I'm going to come toAtlanta.
I want to take you on a date.
I want us to think through this.
And I was like you know what?
You're making some really goodpoints, sir.
He was like even if we don'tget married, I would like to
co-parent with you.
I would love to have a childwith you.
(19:53):
I think being able to say mymother is Jay is like the dopest
shit I could do, and I was likeI ain't gonna lie y'all.
I got a little you know what Imean.
I got a little turned on in theconversation.
I was like shit, you making mewant to go out with myself.
If you can read between thelines, it was a matter of weeks
(20:21):
or months later when my motherhad to have brain surgery.
That brain surgery required allof my attention.
She was in ICU, she had tolearn how to walk, she had to
learn how to talk, and that'swhen they told me she might have
(20:43):
Alzheimer's.
I was like what?
So, of course, when it was timefor this guy to call me back
and he was like I hadn't beenable to get you on the phone, I
was texting you.
I was like, oh honey, I forgotall about you and that baby, my
mama's brain, got a hole in it.
The hell.
(21:11):
Caregiving is hard.
It's not for everybody.
I can't say it's for me.
I do it, I put everything Ihave into it, but I can't say
that it is for me.
What I do know is that my mamais for me and currently what she
(21:37):
needs is me to be her caregiver.
But I got to let you know howmuch I didn't plan this and that
I had a plan.
You know I wasn't findingmyself.
You know some people are likeyou know what?
I was kind of just doing alittle this and a lot of that at
(21:57):
a time and then my mama had astroke and so I was able to go
help my mama.
That is not what the hell I wasdoing.
No, no, it was a lot of stress.
I made a bunch of bad decisionsalong the way for myself
personally, me myself personally.
(22:19):
That tickles the shit out of meto do that to me myself
personally, and I have notalways been a great caregiver
for my mother or what othersdefine as great.
I made a whole bunch ofmistakes along the way, a lot of
(22:44):
scrapes and bruises, and I justgot better Because I was
committed to doing the best Icould for my mom and overall,
what I knew was if I die or if Iend up in the hospital, then I
can't give her care, and that'skind of what got me back in line
(23:07):
.
The hope and the happy came withhumor.
That's my story.
The hope and the happy camewith humor.
The more I could laugh and jokeabout how stupid my life was
turning out to be.
The more happy I saw in Zeddy,the more happy I found in me and
(23:32):
the more hope I had that lifewould be okay.
Period, that's all I got, andyou know what else.
You know what else.
Period, that's all I got, andyou know what else.
You know what else?
Parented up family, psst, leanin on this.
(23:53):
I stopped fucking planning Gamechanger.
Yeah, I plan what I'm okay, Iplan Zaddy's doctor's
appointments.
I plan okay, there's no gas inthe car.
I should probably put some gasin the car.
Really short-term plans I planwith the team when we're going
to put out the next podcast.
I got a plan with that.
(24:15):
Shout out to my girls yes, weare an all-female team.
Boom, waste of production.
Such an inside joke.
But the long-term, intricateplanning that I did before I let
(24:37):
that go.
It was causing more stress andgetting in the way of my happy.
So I had to let it go becausethere was way too much that I
couldn't control.
Before I was a caregiver, myresponsibilities did not have so
(24:59):
many tentacles, so I could say,okay, in three months and six
months and nine months, okay, Igot these plans.
And then in one year and inthree years, in five years I got
these plans.
Now I'm like, loosely in thisyear I want to accomplish this.
(25:20):
But it's more like saying Iwant to eat.
You know what I mean.
Like if a person were to say doyou want to eat or not?
That's the way I plan now.
Yeah, I want to eat this year Iused to say I only want to eat
(25:42):
lima beans, you know what I mean.
Like I would get that kind ofspecific Hell with that.
Like now I'm like, hey, youknow what, if I eat this year,
it's a good year.
So I have broadened theconstraints of how I plan.
A main mantra for me is if Zeddyis alive and I'm not in jail,
(26:07):
it's a good day.
I haven't even been close tobeing in jail.
People, all right Before you'dbe like, oh shit, we got to
figure out.
What the hell did Jay do toalmost get in jail?
Or was she in jail before?
No, when I did my own decisionmatrix around, what is the worst
shit that could happen?
Well, the worst thing would beZed is dead.
That's the worst thing on herend.
(26:28):
And the worst thing on my endis if I'm in jail, then I can't
get to her Right, I can'tcommunicate with anybody to help
.
I could even be in the hospitaland possibly still communicate
and or manage her health, but ifI'm in jail I can't control my
(26:50):
career, her health, my nothing.
So I was like OK, you know, ifI keep this heifer alive and
keep my black ass out of jail,boom.
But old school Jay, I would havehad 27 parameters of OK for a
good day.
I need eight hours of sleep.
(27:11):
I need this much money in mychecking account.
I need to have gone on threedates.
I need my hair to be tight.
Oh bye, don't need all that.
Chill with it, chill with it.
So.
Humor helped because I stoppedtaking myself, my plan and other
(27:36):
people so seriously.
So what if people don't callyou back?
Who cares?
So what if that dude breaks upwith you?
Who cares?
So what if you lose the job?
Okay, now what they fired you,whatever.
Now what?
What you gonna do now?
(27:58):
So what you got in a caraccident?
Okay, okay, didn't like it.
It sucks If anybody hadinsurance, filed an insurance If
they didn't, ok, but it's over,laugh that shit off.
That's what came After all ofthe calamity and being a
(28:21):
caregiver and I figured out howmuch of my plans just went poof
and just disintegrated, like Iwas like, literally, I had all
of these plans.
My dad died on January 8th andit's like the very next day all
of those plans went to shit justbecause he died, and like he
had nothing to do with the plans.
You understand?
(28:41):
That's what's so crazy.
It wasn't like I needed my dadto actually show up at any other
meetings.
He was not instrumental in anyother plans.
He wasn't a player in any of myprojects, he wasn't helping
invent nothing, he wasn't aninvestor in nothing, but with
(29:07):
the domino effect.
So I said, doing all that damnplanning, you know what I'm
planning to do.
I'm going to plan to be ashappy and as healthy as possible
.
Yes, I'm ills, and leteverything else fall by the way.
Lead by intuition, try to takecare of my mom as best I can.
(29:41):
Let it be, that's it.
And I don't want to be acaregiver.
So stop saying that shit.
The snuggle ups Number oneActing is like the most unspoken
superpower in the world ofcaregiving.
Maybe you even want to considerimprov.
(30:03):
Obviously, I'm really good atit.
Where is my Oscar or my Emmy ormy Tony, because I have
convinced a bunch of y'all thatI like this, that I really am
like this robotic.
Ooh, I got it all figured out.
(30:23):
I know what I'm doing all thetime.
I'm just hell.
No, I don't even like being inhospitals.
I don't like bodily fluid.
Do you know?
I've never seen a needle evengo in my own skin Blood the
thought of seeing blood makes mewant to faint.
So this is just about rallyingthe troops and digging in really
(30:52):
, really hard and trying to getthe job done for my mama,
because when I tell you I amputting forth, shall we say, an
EGOT effort.
This is what it is.
(31:16):
Number two Hitler had a plan.
All plans aren't good and allplans shouldn't come to fruition
.
So that's also what I startedtelling myself to calm down and
let go of the what ifs.
(31:37):
How do I know that mybeautifully crafted plans were
even going to be good for me orthe world?
They may have caused meultimately more distress and
more harm than I could everimagine.
How the hell do I know beingZeddy's caregiver could be less
(32:05):
stressful and have a healthierversion of Jay than all my other
plans?
I don't know.
I'm telling myself a storyeither way.
So what the hell is the pointof being worried about what
didn't happen and living inla-la land and in a fantasy
(32:29):
world.
For what?
No need in it.
My grandfather would say, whatneed in that?
It's not going to benefit me atall.
And then I'm not present inthis life, right here, right now
.
That's useless.
(32:52):
That would be absolutelyuseless, or, as my therapist
calls it, that would beruminating.
To sit here and say, but whatif I?
And then I would, and then Iwould, and I would all make
belief.
So I don't do that anymoreanymore.
Number three Everything you do,everything I do, is a choice.
(33:17):
I fought that concept tooth andnail for so long.
But Bernie Roth taught me eh,it's true, the concept is so
true.
He was one of my favoriteprofessors in grad school at
(33:40):
Stanford University in Palo Alto, california.
And everything that you do is achoice.
Little choices, big choices.
You don't even have to put goodor bad on it, positive or
negative, it's just a choice.
Little choices, big choices.
You don't even have to put goodor bad on it, positive or
negative, it's just a choice.
I chose to become Zeddy'scaregiver.
(34:00):
Just because my mama neededbrain surgery and had
Alzheimer's did not mean thather daughter had to manage her
care through rehabilitationDidn't mean I had to decide to
(34:22):
live with her and become herfull-time caregiver.
That was my choice.
So since I chose to do that,I'm gonna own it.
I think it is totallyhypocritical to be a caregiver
and then be mad as hell at yourLO.
(34:44):
They didn't make you do it,because everything in this life
is a choice.
Shout out to Bernie Roth.
My therapist says it too.
However, bernie Roth alreadyhad me on the choice train way
before her.
It might be pissing you off too,but you're choosing to be
(35:06):
married.
You're choosing to live in.
Whatever country you live in.
You're living in Okay, realcontroversial.
You're choosing to stay alive.
It's your choice.
If you stay alive today, if yougo to work tomorrow, if you go
back home tonight, you couldjust decide to not go back home
(35:29):
to your family and they couldnever hear from you again.
What they gonna do your kids,your job, your church.
If you just decided to neveranswer your cell phone and
change your name, what can theydo?
Nothing at all.
(35:49):
Oh, they're going to get madand sad and cry.
Okay, and it's a choice thatyou would have to live with the
consequence of hurt feelings byothers.
All right, whatever.
So, anywho, I chose to beZeddy's caregiver and then I
(36:12):
chose to care for her in a waythat means I'm ten toes down in
her face every day, everyfreaking day.
I'm the caregiver in her face.
That was also my choice.
So I'm the reason why all of myother life pursuits were
(36:39):
truncated.
It's not my mama's fault, it'snobody's fault.
I chose it.
So here I am, totally present,because what would suck is to
live half my life present andwith my mama and half my life
(37:00):
wondering about what would havehappened if I lived in Africa
and if I lived in Europe and ifI had made that thing.
That's how you end up nutso andnot good at anything, feeling
empty and sad inside.
I don't like that.
(37:22):
How do I know?
Because I've gone through thosekind of periods in life where
you're not committed to shit.
You're half here and half there, and a quarter over here and a
quarter over there.
Now, that would be hard.
You can't be two halves and twoquarters, because that means
you're 150% somewhere For mymath.
People shout out I know I didthe math wrong.
Love y'all.
(37:43):
You get my point.
Yo, what's up y'all?
I'm over here just mixing andscratching up stuff and
reminding y'all Patreon is open.
It is open and ready for you,you, you, you and your mama too.
(38:05):
We are loading up things, allthings Zeddy, all things podcast
, all things caregiving behindthe scenes, extra stuff.
J Smile's comedy is droppingwith her own little collection
within the J Smile StudioPatreon.
Very, very soon It'll be lessthan a month If you want to go
(38:27):
on and get in there, becausethere's exclusives.
That's kind of time sensitiveto whoever is in there first.
We've already had livebroadcasts with people who are
already in and I'll be honest,because of, you know, branding
matters.
So there's some stuff that Ijust can't say and do on the
(38:50):
worldwide web that I can do inthe Patreon pantry.
So if you want to see and knowand hear and experience more of
what's happening between my ears, come to the J Smile Studio, my
(39:11):
Patreon pantry.
Hey, parenting Up family.
This episode I'm giving it inhonor to Inga Esperanza Dyer.
She died recently.
She's very, very special to me.
She is a member of Delta, sigma, theta Sorority Incorporated.
(39:34):
She's my back.
I'm number five, she's numbersix, we are Autorus 37, spring
1991, howard University.
When it comes to being acaregiver.
She's a part of the villagethat I cared for and will always
care for all of my life.
Parenting Up family if one more person says Jay, I'm
not like you, I don't know howto be a caregiver, you were born
to do this.
You're so good with Zeddy, youlove your mama, and you just
slide into.
What to say, how to hug on her,how to kiss her, what to ask
(00:23):
the doctors?
You must have been waiting tobe her caregiver.
Did you want to be a nurse?
Did you want to be a doctor?
You have siblings.
I bet you were the world's bestbabysitter.
Cut that shit right now, y'all.
I don't want to do this.
I don't want to do it no day.
(00:45):
No, how, no, not never.
Okay, not never.
Just because I do it and I putmy whole heart into it Don't
mean I like it, don't mean Iwant to do it and I'm about to
set the whole record.
Come on, come on.
I need y'all to lean in andlisten and look and get ready to
(01:10):
ask your questions right now.
Fold your arms, cause obviouslysomebody had been gotten
misunderstood on J Smiles andthis caregiving.
Parenting up caregivingadventures with comedian Dave
Smiles is the intense journey ofunexpectedly being fully
responsible for my mama.
(01:31):
For over a decade I've beenchipping away at the unknown,
advocating for her and pushingAlzheimer's awareness on anyone
and anything with a heartbeat.
Spoiler alert I started comedybecause this shit is so heavy,
so be ready for the jokes.
Caregiver newbies, ogs andvillage members just willing to
(01:52):
prop up a caregiver, you are inthe right place.
Hi, this is Zeddy.
I hope you enjoy my daughter'spodcast, is that okay?
(02:17):
Today's supporter shout-outcomes from Choir Pump.
That's, first of all.
That's an amazing, amazinghandle, so validating.
I finally feel like I have afriend who understands what's
going on in my life.
I'm only six months in with mycaregiving.
(02:40):
My mom has a brain tumor, soit's similar to what Jay is
dealing, dealt with.
I'm going to ask my supportsystem to listen.
Thank you so much.
Purple heart emoji and ChoirPunk asked her support or him or
(03:03):
her or they, I don't know.
Okay, the fact that it wassuggested to others also means
the world.
If you want to be featured onour supporter shout out, please
leave a review on Apple Podcaststhat's my preference or IG,
(03:27):
youtube, all the places Y'allknow where.
It is okay, but the point is,please review.
It matters A bunch.
I love you, zeddy loves you Alot.
Go vote.
When caregiver roles detouryour career goals, listen and
(03:58):
listen.
Well, nobody plans to be acaregiver, and by nobody I mean
me caregiver, and by nobody Imean me, I am nobody.
I had such a plan.
Y'all ain't gonna believe this.
I mean, I'm talking about Iplan plan.
I made list, my list had list.
Do you hear what I'm saying?
(04:19):
My mentors had mentees, myadvisors advisees.
I had a whole board ofdirectors, call me Inc.
I used to worry the shit out ofthem.
Am I on the right track?
Am I going to get where I needto be by 30, by 31.5?
I was not a game.
I didn't even want to have aplant, because a plant means you
(04:43):
had to go take care of it.
I would get a goldfish becausethey were supposed to die after
about a month.
So if I came home after acouple of weeks and the goldfish
was dead, I didn't feel thatbad because they weren't
supposed to live that long.
Do you understand?
I'm not supposed to beresponsible for nothing alive
like nothing.
Nothing alive Like the mold onthe food from my to-go carry out
(05:08):
.
Maybe I was responsible for themold I was growing.
That's how much.
I might not be responsible fornothing else inside my apartment
but me.
Anyway, this caregiving thingshowed up unwanted and
unwarranted.
I remember thinking what thehell I do to all of a sudden
(05:36):
have all of this?
But my mama needed me.
Actually, let me back up.
My first entree into caregivingwas with my mama's mama, glo.
Foxy Glo, miss Jackson, ifyou're nasty, but anyway.
That's my grandmama from NewOrleans and she called herself
(05:58):
Foxy Glo because anyway she washot, she had lung cancer, but I
was in my 30s.
I came home to help the family,but I wasn't about to give up
my life for it.
I'm going to just help y'allWhile grandmama, affectionately
known as Big Mama, for anybodywho's from the deep south, from
(06:19):
anywhere, if you're black in thewhole diaspora, big mama is the
matriarch, she's in charge.
She tells everybody what to do.
Whether you were born to her ornot, if you marry into the
family, the big mama or the mamais in charge of everybody.
So that was my big mama.
But I was just going to comehome to help out with her and
(06:43):
then go about my merry way.
And what about my merry way?
And what was my merry way?
So happy, you asked.
Mechanical engineer from Ford.
From Howard University.
I work for Ford Motor Company.
Product design engineering.
From Stanford.
I work for Gillette Law degreefrom Cumberland, I work for the
Ford and work for the Cochranfirm.
(07:05):
I spent over a decade working ineach of those fields working in
Africa and Italy and hadcreated this delicious network
of government, private andcreative sectors between
(07:26):
Southern the Southern part ofAfrica, not South Africa the
Southern part of Africa, italyand Spain, and then the United
States, and I was moving betweenthose three continents, shaking
and baking, and making it do.
I'm originally from Montgomery,alabama, so activism is at my
core, so I was creating productsthat would help young,
(08:04):
intellectually stimulatedAfrican girls who didn't have
the financial resources Getwhere I'm going with this, so
I'm putting together all mypassions and my love for travel.
I've never believed that Ibelong to any one city or any
one country.
Jay smiles as a global citizen.
Baby, if you got a son, givehim my number.
You feel what I'm saying.
I belong to these people, tothese streets, to these airways.
(08:26):
Okay, if I'm a lover, not afighter, I'm going to eat your
food, I want to drink your drinkand I want to hug and kiss your
babies.
I can live anywhere and I have.
I had five passports before Iwas 30, all double stitched in
the middle with the extra pages.
That's me.
(08:47):
I'm your girl.
Oh my God.
Such a good life, such a goodlife, such a good life.
That's what I was doing andthat's what I was planning on
doing until I had no more breathin this body.
There wasn't room for no manwho needed me to come back to
his house.
Every guy I dated knew, baby,you're going to have to come
(09:10):
visit me in Botswana or Bosnia.
Okay, if you needed me to stayin Birmingham, alabama, we
needed to make this be our lastnight together.
Let's just kiss and say goodbye.
(09:33):
So, caregivers, imagine mysurprise when my father dies and
my daddy dying literally justmade my mama have Alzheimer's.
I didn't even know that shitcould happen.
It still baffles me 12 yearslater that because somebody dies
(09:56):
, now you got dementia.
I mean because I saw it with myown eyes.
I believe it, but other thanthat, it's kind of like the sun
rising every day.
I still don't understand it.
I just have seen it happen somany times.
I believe it to be true, butit's stupid, like racism.
Racism is stupid, but ithappens, and I've seen it and
(10:17):
I've experienced it.
Like sexism, so it's true.
So now, all of a sudden, I'mlike but what about this life
that I've worked really hard?
Do you know how hard it was tostay not pregnant?
I'm telling you.
Did I tell y'all?
I went to Howard.
We never lost the party.
We in charge of all homecomings, we are the reason why
(10:39):
homecomings matter.
Okay, you heard about Drake.
Y'all know Drake, the rapper.
I don't care where you live, hewears our shirts in his videos.
He don't wear nobody else'sshirts.
We made the party baby.
Anyway, I've been to everycontinent, every one, not six
except Antarctica, because theydon't count.
(11:00):
A lot of people say that I wentto all of them except
Antarctica, because it doesn'tcount.
Why doesn't it count?
A lot of people say that I wentto all of them self an article
because it doesn't count.
Why doesn't it count?
There's seven continents andI've been to all of them and
hugged at least one person's sonon all of them, because that's
how you know it counts.
You were really there if youmet somebody's son.
Feel what I'm saying.
I'm experiencing this thing wecall life.
(11:23):
I'm experiencing this thing wecall life.
Ford had me in Spain when I was23 and I couldn't speak Spanish
.
That's how much life I'm tryingto live.
So when all of a sudden I'm incharge of my mama, I'm like what
do you mean?
I don't know how to be incharge of nothing.
This shit is hard and I don'twant to do it.
(11:45):
I need y'all to understand.
I don't want to be a caregiver.
No, I don't want to do it.
I don't want my mama to need meto do it.
(12:08):
Put that in your pipe and smokeit.
I don't want her to have thedisease that requires her to
need me to do it.
Do you know how many of myfamily members or of my friends
or the guys I've dated mama thesame age or younger and they
(12:29):
just the damn fine.
I just feel like it's a smack inmy face every time I see
somebody around my mama's agejust driving a car all over the
internet taking pictures goingto their family reunion, class
reunion, and my mama doesn'teven realize what month it is or
(12:49):
what year it is.
It pisses me off.
Why, why, why.
Now I'm not mad with her, I'mnot mad with God.
I don't even nobody even be madwith.
I'm not mad with God, I don'teven there's nobody to even be
mad with.
Who can I even point the fingerat.
You're stupid.
(13:10):
It's a waste of time.
It's a waste of time.
But I need y'all to knowbecause I get too many DMs and
emails and otherwise thingsaround.
Oh, jake man, you find yourcalling, find my calling, my ass
Don't.
Nobody want to be a caregiver.
It stinks, it sucks.
(13:32):
Like I am watching my mamaslowly erode and die every day.
My daddy slumped dead on thesofa I'm laughing because I'm a
comedian and I know he wouldlove that sentence.
Slumped on the sofa it's analliteration Y'all got to give
me that.
That's funny.
(13:54):
But my mama, I'm like watchingher forget how to read.
I'm watching her forget how totie her shoe, forget how to
brush her teeth, forget to spitout the stanky, slimy toothpaste
water.
If I, if I can get her to putthe toothpaste on the toothbrush
(14:20):
and then put the toothbrush inher mouth and then brush, you
can forget actually spitting outthe toothpaste.
Oh, baby, she about to swallowthat stuff and I'm watching all
of this step by step.
Who the hell wants to do that?
(14:41):
But then I don't want to come onthe podcast or on social media
every day and be like, oh my God, it sucks again.
There are enough people givingyou a reason to be sad.
Enough people giving you areason to be sad.
(15:02):
So what I share and what I talkabout, it's not a lie.
It's sections and sectors ofthe J Smiles caregiving journey
that I feel haven't been sharedalready by someone else.
But this sucks.
It's very dark and I doubt alot.
(15:26):
I got to tell you.
There are times when I think,damn, if Zetty didn't get
Alzheimer's, what would she bedoing?
Forget about what I would bedoing.
What would she be doing?
Y'all?
My mama was nowhere nearretiring.
(15:47):
What would she be doing?
I remember the trip she wantedto take.
She wanted to go to the HolyLand.
She loved bowling.
She loved roulette.
She would be in a ass aboutBlack Lives Matter.
Trump wouldn't stand a fuckingchance.
If my mama was alive, in herbrain, I don't really know what
(16:10):
she would do about it, but hisass would be in trouble,
especially because she's afinancial wizard, forensic,
accountant.
She would have scrubbed all hisbooks and explained to him how
come he didn't really have noneof them billions and how it was
all a lie and a farce.
A deck of cards, house of cards.
Whatever he was lying, he hadnone of that money.
That's one thing.
Maybe he would have never been45.
(16:31):
And then, hell yeah, I thinkabout what would my life be.
One thing is y'all I was neversupposed to live full stop in
the United States.
I was always going to livebetween Africa, europe and the
US, and now I legit have Apermanent residence in Georgia.
(16:54):
It's hilarious.
For like eight years I hadthree addresses.
Nobody even knew where to findme, and I wasn't running from
the mob or the law.
(17:15):
I literally just was movingaround that much Cause I had
those were my interests, wereyou know, but I don't doubt it
like, oh, I hate my life, butit's like, damn, what if I did
those product inventions that Ithought of?
(17:36):
What if I were, I was able tomove to the country that I
thought about?
Maybe I would be married, Idon't know.
Maybe the man of my life wasover there.
I don't know, I don't know.
Maybe I would sleep better atnight Because I would never pick
(18:03):
such a dry, sucky climate.
I would be in a warm, temperateclimate and all of my nostrils
would feel better.
Maybe I don't know.
A man that I like a lot asked meto go half on a baby.
(18:23):
He called me out of nowheresaid Jay, you're the one, the
one for what, the one for whatand to do what.
Honey.
He was like I've been talkingto my uncle, I really want a kid
(18:45):
, and you've always been the one, you've always been that woman
who and he rattled off a lot ofvery positive and flattering
adjectives.
I was like damn, now this manwas divorced and had two
children.
He said but you measure up tome as the perfect woman.
(19:09):
He gave me all the reasons.
He thought so.
Now, I ain't going to lie y'all.
I was like ha well shit, whyare you married to other girl If
I'm the one?
He said.
But he said I didn't say thatto him.
I thought that.
He said I'm older and wiser,I'm able to think things through
(19:31):
more clearly.
I said got.
You said I'm going to come toAtlanta.
I want to take you on a date.
I want us to think through this.
And I was like you know what?
You're making some really goodpoints, sir.
He was like even if we don'tget married, I would like to
co-parent with you.
I would love to have a childwith you.
(19:53):
I think being able to say mymother is Jay is like the dopest
shit I could do, and I was likeI ain't gonna lie y'all.
I got a little you know what Imean.
I got a little turned on in theconversation.
I was like shit, you making mewant to go out with myself.
If you can read between thelines, it was a matter of weeks
(20:21):
or months later when my motherhad to have brain surgery.
That brain surgery required allof my attention.
She was in ICU, she had tolearn how to walk, she had to
learn how to talk, and that'swhen they told me she might have
(20:43):
Alzheimer's.
I was like what?
So, of course, when it was timefor this guy to call me back
and he was like I hadn't beenable to get you on the phone, I
was texting you.
I was like, oh honey, I forgotall about you and that baby, my
mama's brain, got a hole in it.
The hell.
(21:11):
Caregiving is hard.
It's not for everybody.
I can't say it's for me.
I do it, I put everything Ihave into it, but I can't say
that it is for me.
What I do know is that my mamais for me and currently what she
(21:37):
needs is me to be her caregiver.
But I got to let you know howmuch I didn't plan this and that
I had a plan.
You know I wasn't findingmyself.
You know some people are likeyou know what?
I was kind of just doing alittle this and a lot of that at
(21:57):
a time and then my mama had astroke and so I was able to go
help my mama.
That is not what the hell I wasdoing.
No, no, it was a lot of stress.
I made a bunch of bad decisionsalong the way for myself
personally, me myself personally.
(22:19):
That tickles the shit out of meto do that to me myself
personally, and I have notalways been a great caregiver
for my mother or what othersdefine as great.
I made a whole bunch ofmistakes along the way, a lot of
(22:44):
scrapes and bruises, and I justgot better Because I was
committed to doing the best Icould for my mom and overall,
what I knew was if I die or if Iend up in the hospital, then I
can't give her care, and that'skind of what got me back in line
(23:07):
.
The hope and the happy came withhumor.
That's my story.
The hope and the happy camewith humor.
The more I could laugh and jokeabout how stupid my life was
turning out to be.
The more happy I saw in Zeddy,the more happy I found in me and
(23:32):
the more hope I had that lifewould be okay.
Period, that's all I got, andyou know what else.
You know what else.
Period, that's all I got, andyou know what else.
You know what else?
Parented up family, psst, leanin on this.
(23:53):
I stopped fucking planning Gamechanger.
Yeah, I plan what I'm okay, Iplan Zaddy's doctor's
appointments.
I plan okay, there's no gas inthe car.
I should probably put some gasin the car.
Really short-term plans I planwith the team when we're going
to put out the next podcast.
I got a plan with that.
(24:15):
Shout out to my girls yes, weare an all-female team.
Boom, waste of production.
Such an inside joke.
But the long-term, intricateplanning that I did before I let
(24:37):
that go.
It was causing more stress andgetting in the way of my happy.
So I had to let it go becausethere was way too much that I
couldn't control.
Before I was a caregiver, myresponsibilities did not have so
(24:59):
many tentacles, so I could say,okay, in three months and six
months and nine months, okay, Igot these plans.
And then in one year and inthree years, in five years I got
these plans.
Now I'm like, loosely in thisyear I want to accomplish this.
(25:20):
But it's more like saying Iwant to eat.
You know what I mean.
Like if a person were to say doyou want to eat or not?
That's the way I plan now.
Yeah, I want to eat this year Iused to say I only want to eat
(25:42):
lima beans, you know what I mean.
Like I would get that kind ofspecific Hell with that.
Like now I'm like, hey, youknow what, if I eat this year,
it's a good year.
So I have broadened theconstraints of how I plan.
A main mantra for me is if Zeddyis alive and I'm not in jail,
(26:07):
it's a good day.
I haven't even been close tobeing in jail.
People, all right Before you'dbe like, oh shit, we got to
figure out.
What the hell did Jay do toalmost get in jail?
Or was she in jail before?
No, when I did my own decisionmatrix around, what is the worst
shit that could happen?
Well, the worst thing would beZed is dead.
That's the worst thing on herend.
(26:28):
And the worst thing on my endis if I'm in jail, then I can't
get to her Right, I can'tcommunicate with anybody to help
.
I could even be in the hospitaland possibly still communicate
and or manage her health, but ifI'm in jail I can't control my
(26:50):
career, her health, my nothing.
So I was like OK, you know, ifI keep this heifer alive and
keep my black ass out of jail,boom.
But old school Jay, I would havehad 27 parameters of OK for a
good day.
I need eight hours of sleep.
(27:11):
I need this much money in mychecking account.
I need to have gone on threedates.
I need my hair to be tight.
Oh bye, don't need all that.
Chill with it, chill with it.
So.
Humor helped because I stoppedtaking myself, my plan and other
(27:36):
people so seriously.
So what if people don't callyou back?
Who cares?
So what if that dude breaks upwith you?
Who cares?
So what if you lose the job?
Okay, now what they fired you,whatever.
Now what?
What you gonna do now?
(27:58):
So what you got in a caraccident?
Okay, okay, didn't like it.
It sucks If anybody hadinsurance, filed an insurance If
they didn't, ok, but it's over,laugh that shit off.
That's what came After all ofthe calamity and being a
(28:21):
caregiver and I figured out howmuch of my plans just went poof
and just disintegrated, like Iwas like, literally, I had all
of these plans.
My dad died on January 8th andit's like the very next day all
of those plans went to shit justbecause he died, and like he
had nothing to do with the plans.
You understand?
(28:41):
That's what's so crazy.
It wasn't like I needed my dadto actually show up at any other
meetings.
He was not instrumental in anyother plans.
He wasn't a player in any of myprojects, he wasn't helping
invent nothing, he wasn't aninvestor in nothing, but with
(29:07):
the domino effect.
So I said, doing all that damnplanning, you know what I'm
planning to do.
I'm going to plan to be ashappy and as healthy as possible
.
Yes, I'm ills, and leteverything else fall by the way.
Lead by intuition, try to takecare of my mom as best I can.
(29:41):
Let it be, that's it.
And I don't want to be acaregiver.
So stop saying that shit.
The snuggle ups Number oneActing is like the most unspoken
superpower in the world ofcaregiving.
Maybe you even want to considerimprov.
(30:03):
Obviously, I'm really good atit.
Where is my Oscar or my Emmy ormy Tony, because I have
convinced a bunch of y'all thatI like this, that I really am
like this robotic.
Ooh, I got it all figured out.
(30:23):
I know what I'm doing all thetime.
I'm just hell.
No, I don't even like being inhospitals.
I don't like bodily fluid.
Do you know?
I've never seen a needle evengo in my own skin Blood the
thought of seeing blood makes mewant to faint.
So this is just about rallyingthe troops and digging in really
(30:52):
, really hard and trying to getthe job done for my mama,
because when I tell you I amputting forth, shall we say, an
EGOT effort.
This is what it is.
(31:16):
Number two Hitler had a plan.
All plans aren't good and allplans shouldn't come to fruition
.
So that's also what I startedtelling myself to calm down and
let go of the what ifs.
(31:37):
How do I know that mybeautifully crafted plans were
even going to be good for me orthe world?
They may have caused meultimately more distress and
more harm than I could everimagine.
How the hell do I know beingZeddy's caregiver could be less
(32:05):
stressful and have a healthierversion of Jay than all my other
plans?
I don't know.
I'm telling myself a storyeither way.
So what the hell is the pointof being worried about what
didn't happen and living inla-la land and in a fantasy
(32:29):
world.
For what?
No need in it.
My grandfather would say, whatneed in that?
It's not going to benefit me atall.
And then I'm not present inthis life, right here, right now
.
That's useless.
(32:52):
That would be absolutelyuseless, or, as my therapist
calls it, that would beruminating.
To sit here and say, but whatif I?
And then I would, and then Iwould, and I would all make
belief.
So I don't do that anymoreanymore.
Number three Everything you do,everything I do, is a choice.
(33:17):
I fought that concept tooth andnail for so long.
But Bernie Roth taught me eh,it's true, the concept is so
true.
He was one of my favoriteprofessors in grad school at
(33:40):
Stanford University in Palo Alto, california.
And everything that you do is achoice.
Little choices, big choices.
You don't even have to put goodor bad on it, positive or
negative, it's just a choice.
Little choices, big choices.
You don't even have to put goodor bad on it, positive or
negative, it's just a choice.
I chose to become Zeddy'scaregiver.
(34:00):
Just because my mama neededbrain surgery and had
Alzheimer's did not mean thather daughter had to manage her
care through rehabilitationDidn't mean I had to decide to
(34:22):
live with her and become herfull-time caregiver.
That was my choice.
So since I chose to do that,I'm gonna own it.
I think it is totallyhypocritical to be a caregiver
and then be mad as hell at yourLO.
(34:44):
They didn't make you do it,because everything in this life
is a choice.
Shout out to Bernie Roth.
My therapist says it too.
However, bernie Roth alreadyhad me on the choice train way
before her.
It might be pissing you off too,but you're choosing to be
(35:06):
married.
You're choosing to live in.
Whatever country you live in.
You're living in Okay, realcontroversial.
You're choosing to stay alive.
It's your choice.
If you stay alive today, if yougo to work tomorrow, if you go
back home tonight, you couldjust decide to not go back home
(35:29):
to your family and they couldnever hear from you again.
What they gonna do your kids,your job, your church.
If you just decided to neveranswer your cell phone and
change your name, what can theydo?
Nothing at all.
(35:49):
Oh, they're going to get madand sad and cry.
Okay, and it's a choice thatyou would have to live with the
consequence of hurt feelings byothers.
All right, whatever.
So, anywho, I chose to beZeddy's caregiver and then I
(36:12):
chose to care for her in a waythat means I'm ten toes down in
her face every day, everyfreaking day.
I'm the caregiver in her face.
That was also my choice.
So I'm the reason why all of myother life pursuits were
(36:39):
truncated.
It's not my mama's fault, it'snobody's fault.
I chose it.
So here I am, totally present,because what would suck is to
live half my life present andwith my mama and half my life
(37:00):
wondering about what would havehappened if I lived in Africa
and if I lived in Europe and ifI had made that thing.
That's how you end up nutso andnot good at anything, feeling
empty and sad inside.
I don't like that.
(37:22):
How do I know?
Because I've gone through thosekind of periods in life where
you're not committed to shit.
You're half here and half there, and a quarter over here and a
quarter over there.
Now, that would be hard.
You can't be two halves and twoquarters, because that means
you're 150% somewhere For mymath.
People shout out I know I didthe math wrong.
Love y'all.
(37:43):
You get my point.
Yo, what's up y'all?
I'm over here just mixing andscratching up stuff and
reminding y'all Patreon is open.
It is open and ready for you,you, you, you and your mama too.
(38:05):
We are loading up things, allthings Zeddy, all things podcast
, all things caregiving behindthe scenes, extra stuff.
J Smile's comedy is droppingwith her own little collection
within the J Smile StudioPatreon.
Very, very soon It'll be lessthan a month If you want to go
(38:27):
on and get in there, becausethere's exclusives.
That's kind of time sensitiveto whoever is in there first.
We've already had livebroadcasts with people who are
already in and I'll be honest,because of, you know, branding
matters.
So there's some stuff that Ijust can't say and do on the
(38:50):
worldwide web that I can do inthe Patreon pantry.
So if you want to see and knowand hear and experience more of
what's happening between my ears, come to the J Smile Studio, my
(39:11):
Patreon pantry.
Hey, parenting Up family.
This episode I'm giving it inhonor to Inga Esperanza Dyer.
She died recently.
She's very, very special to me.
She is a member of Delta, sigma, theta Sorority Incorporated.
(39:34):
She's my back.
I'm number five, she's numbersix, we are Autorus 37, spring
1991, howard University.
When it comes to being acaregiver.
She's a part of the villagethat I cared for and will always
care for all of my life.
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