A Deep Dive into the Irreplaceable Role of Dads

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Ever wondered what makes a father truly irreplaceable in a child's life? In this episode of "Parenting with a Purpose," we uncover the critical role fathers play in shaping their children's futures. I, Donna Janel, dive deep into the heart of fatherhood with our special guest, Drew, who brings profound insights and personal stories that illuminate the necessity of active and engaged dads. We explore the unique challenges faced by single mothers and debunk the misconception that they can fully replace the role of fathers. Along the way, I share my own emotional journey as my daughter prepares to enlist in the Marines, highlighting the preparation and emotional resilience required for such significant milestones.

This episode goes beyond just discussing the presence of fathers; it celebrates their unique contributions to stability, discipline, and guidance. Imagine fathers as the foundation of a house or the wind that strengthens a plant—these analogies drive home the indispensable role they play. We emphasize the complementary nature of parenting, where both mothers and fathers bring their strengths to the table to provide a balanced upbringing. From tackling societal changes that have impacted family dynamics to examining how historical manipulations have disrupted family unity, we leave no stone unturned in understanding the pivotal role of fathers.

Lastly, we highlight the importance of building supportive communities, especially for black fathers who face systemic challenges. By creating positive messaging and accessible networks, we can empower fathers to break cycles of absenteeism and contribute more effectively to their children's lives. We also touch on the broader societal implications of strong family units, drawing lessons from historical figures and movements to showcase the power of collective action. This episode offers a rich, nuanced discussion on the authoritative role of fatherhood, making it a must-listen for anyone invested in the well-being and future of our children and communities.

Parents are the Bows and Children are the Arrows they will land wherever we aim them eventually!

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:18):
Thank you, we'll be you next time.

(01:46):
Thank you, hey, everybody.
Welcome back to panther withpurpose.
I am your host, the one andonly donna janelle, where we
strive to bring back theresponsibility, nobility and
beauty back into parenting.
As you know, parents are thebows and our children are arrows
, and they will land wherever wesend them.
It may not be today, news flash, it may not be tomorrow, and
definitely it may not be todaynewsflash.
It may not be tomorrow anddefinitely it may not even be in
five years, y'all.
We just don't know what timethey will land, but eventually

(02:09):
they will land wherever we aimthem.
As long as here's the thing aslong as we close them with the
right things and we give themthe tools to be successful,
whatever success looks like intheir life.
Because, honestly, if we don'tclose our children with the
proper things, the world woulddress them with anything, and we
can see it now.
What's going on in the world ofhow our children are being
dressed with all types of things, right?

(02:29):
So again, you know our job hereis bring, have engaging
conversations.
We talk about what they don'twant to talk about, right?
So this week we are stilltalking and focusing on dads,
all things dads, right.
The last couple of weeks wetalked about the role of a dad,
the significance of a dad andhow important it really is for
dads to be in our children'slife, to be active, right.

(02:51):
Last week we talked about listen, I'm a single mom out here, but
I'm not a father.
So we talked about last weekabout not telling mothers happy
Father's Day and all that crazyjunk that's out here.
We may be doing a lot of roles,but we ain't no fathers.
I'm telling you, I've beendoing this thing for over
parenting for 25 years.
Y'all 25.
Heck, I've been parenting for25 years.
Don't look like it, I know, butI've been doing this single

(03:13):
parenting thing for about 15years and I ain't no by father
and I know the importance ofhaving an active father in their
life.
So tonight we talking againabout that.
The rest of the month Like wegot another week that we're
going to be talking aboutfathers but every guest on this
month has been a father or wehave talked about the role of a
father.
So this week we have Drew onthe show.

Speaker 2 (03:36):
How you?

Speaker 1 (03:36):
doing.
Hello, welcome to the show.
And we're just going to getinto it, y'all.
We're just going to talk aboutthe importance of a father.
I get into it, y'all.
We just gonna talk about theimportance of a father.
I'm trying to think do I haveanything for y'all this week
about my kids, what my kids do?
Oh, it's been quiet on, they'vebeen quiet, they've been very
quiet, strange, even the onethat touched my inner gangster
y'all she's been real quiet.
The only thing we working on ismy daughter.

(03:57):
You know she's going in theMarines.
She's leaving in, uh, july.
So we've just been working ongetting her put together.
You, you know, working out withher food prep and things like
that and getting her mindtogether as she's going to
Marines.
One being a female going intoone of the hardest boot camps
there is right, 13 weeks bootcamp.

Speaker 2 (04:16):
Absolutely, it's 13 weeks.

Speaker 1 (04:17):
Yeah, so she's setting out to leave on July
22nd.

Speaker 2 (04:21):
And she's going during the hottest time.
On top of that Paris Island ismiserable during them months.

Speaker 1 (04:27):
Oh man, don't tell me that, because I'm already shot.

Speaker 2 (04:30):
It's good training, she's going to be.
Alright, she's going to drinkplenty of water.
You see, I'm still here.

Speaker 1 (04:34):
I survived it.
You did Paris Island.

Speaker 2 (04:36):
I sure did Yo.
My God, I made it.
I'm alive and well Stillticking.

Speaker 1 (04:41):
You're a dude.
Now Still ticking.
You're a dude now that don'tmatter, listen, she's been on
the program, the police program,so she's been doing this for
already a year.
They've been having her dostuff ready, but I think the
craziest thing, the worst thingI did, was the day of her I
think it was the day of hergraduation from high school,
because she graduated frommilitary academy I watched a

(05:03):
YouTube of paris I boot camp.
I was like I changed my mindnever mind you're not doing that
to my baby girl but listen,she's gonna learn a lot.
She was crawling in the mud andpeople laying on her back.
What's wrong?
Yo, I was like at that point, Iwas like, never mind, I'll
forget, I, I, I changed my mind,but she's so adamant and she's

(05:25):
so strong.
And you know this is thedaughter where my sister and her
husband passed away.
So I adopted her and her sisterfrom the situation.
So I've been raising them for10 years now.
So she's already been throughlife and craziness without
having two parents.
So like she's like ready to go.
A lot of people wanted her togo in the air force, or um I

(05:48):
mean.

Speaker 2 (05:48):
So look the air force as far as quality of life,
right, like if your goal isquality of life and just getting
military under your belt andthen using it as a stepping
stool if that's your goal, thenI mean I agree that the air
force is a better deal, butnobody joins the air force.
I mean nobody joins the MarineCorps, because, for the same
reasons that you joined, likenobody's like, you know, I

(06:09):
really want some good quality oflife.
Let me join the Marine Corps.

Speaker 1 (06:11):
Nah, that's not the way it works.

Speaker 2 (06:13):
Nah, that's what she said you join the Marine Corps
for two things To provesomething to yourself or to
prove something to other people.
And I really, really believethat both of them are
intertwined for real.

Speaker 1 (06:22):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (06:22):
Right Because nobody looks at the Marine Corps and
says like, look, this is thehardest one 13 weeks Right,
First to fight, this is the bestdecision.
Nobody looks at it like thatand is like, oh nah.
It's like oh, that's MountEverest of military for the
access of me, so can I climb it.
It's more like that.

Speaker 1 (06:41):
Yeah, Can I do it?
That's what it is.
She's proving it to herself.
She was like no offense to theother forces or whatever, but
the Air Force, it's too bougiefor me.
She's just like I'm trying toget deep down in there.
I'm like yo for real.

Speaker 2 (06:54):
But she already got the right attitude.
Yeah Right, she won it andthat's the real thing.
Wise, she might even watch thisright.
Be wise, be prepared, be quick.
They want speed, volume andintensity.
Do everything fast, doeverything loud and be intense,
and then also just be preparedthat it's going to be a
transformation.
You got to be prepared for thattoo mom.

Speaker 1 (07:15):
I know that's the part, that part right there, but
you're going to be proud of her.

Speaker 2 (07:19):
I remember, I think, back looking at my mom watching
me, she was proud.
She, looking at my mom watchingme, she was proud, right like
she, like gleaming right, andnobody wanted me to go and I
went, I joined the 06.
So that was when the iraq worldwhoa, I was gonna say, that was
so.
People like nah and then alsothe other part of it, being a
black man like I, had a lot ofinfluence that was like nah, I
don't do that but I so I neededtwo things I needed the

(07:40):
structure right, and also theother part is I needed to know
where I stood, whether I coulddo it or not.
Yeah, I needed like it was more, like I needed to be able to
benchmark myself amongst men,Like so, then it's going to be a
good transition.
So I grew up without my pops.

Speaker 1 (07:55):
Okay.

Speaker 2 (07:57):
So, as a result of that being in the house growing
up with my mom, my two sistersand I definitely had influences
of of like, so I won.
You know, my mom was marriedfor like three years, so I had
the influence on my step pops.
I had a significant influencefrom my uncle, terry, okay, um
and I also had a bunch of malecousins my brother, like I would
go spend the summers with mybrother.

(08:18):
So I had, I had male influence,but not in house right so there
was no real refuge for my, like, everyday life.
I just had vacations right, okay, right, if that makes sense,
yeah so my, my structure, myfoundation was based on all of
the teachings of my mom, so Ididn't really know and I had no
way of knowing where I fellamongst men.

(08:39):
So the marine corps didsomething for me in particular
that I really needed to do like.
It helped me benchmark myselfwhere I could see, like now.
So now not only am I in theMarine Corps, but I'm excelling
in this in this world.
So, now I know I'm like, ok, soI could, I could do a little bit
.
So the Marine Corps helped mebuild my confidence as a man,
right.
The Marine Corps helped fill inthe gaps where I lack structure

(08:59):
Right.
And I love my mom.
So I love my mom, I adore mymother.
I think she did a great job,but I also simultaneously
understand that she did the bestshe could with what she had.

Speaker 1 (09:07):
Absolutely yeah.
Fathers are very important andespecially for boys.

Speaker 2 (09:12):
So the Marine Corps almost fathered me in a sense
Wow yeah, and filled in thosegaps where I had.
So it was like it was a crashcourse in what I needed to do to
be able to be a protector right, what I needed to do to be able
to stand on honor and conductmyself in a manner where it's
like all right, I got to besocially responsible, even

(09:33):
though we really wasn't, becauseit's like being a college
student you go to class, youfollow the rules and you go home
.
But I also was still learningbecause I had a lot of examples,
but fast forward, there's a lotof things I took from it.
So, a lot of examples, but fastforward, there's a lot of
things I took from it.
So, when I tell you she's gonnabe all right, she's gonna be
all right, it's gonna be atransformation.
It's gonna be intense.
You're gonna see a differentperson right and then, depending
on where her path takes her,she's gonna go through some

(09:54):
emotional changes and and she'sgonna have some some battles
that she's gonna have to dealwith.
But it's all growth, right, and, in the end, the foundation
that you gave her and then also,subsequently, the support that
you need to give her, becausethat's what made the difference
for me getting out Right, goingthrough PTSD, and the transition
of coming back to Drew fromStaff Sergeant Olsen Right.

(10:15):
That transition had to occurand it was based on my support
system.

Speaker 1 (10:18):
So just support her, be there, love her Right.

Speaker 2 (10:21):
Whatever she needs, but she gonna be good.

Speaker 1 (10:27):
yeah, I keep telling myself that and the marine corps
is gonna kind of dad her right,yeah, and that's okay.
Yeah, it's gonna be intense andit's gonna stress you out and
it's gonna stress her out too,right, but don't ain't that what
dads do right kind of thingabout it I never even looked at
it as a as a dad point of viewand I I knew she definitely
wanted to go in to um to prove.
I mean, she's already beenthrough so many different things
in life and challenges.

(10:47):
You know, her dad died when shewas six, her mom at eight, so
she's already been through somuch and she just felt like like
she life hit her right so she'slike I'm going in and this is
what I want to do.
And I'm like, oh, no, go to theair force girl.
It's like no and um, so she'sgoing in for, uh, engineering.
She's able to go in forengineering, that's awesome.

Speaker 2 (11:06):
So she's gonna be at 13, she right now, she at 1300
and then, when she get it, getinto the, the actual mct, and
she finishes that, she'll gether specific where she gonna be,
specifically at, and so she gotan occupational field right now
you know, as parents, like you,you try to figure out like the
best path for your kids, likeyeah.

Speaker 1 (11:23):
The path that they want, not your path.

Speaker 2 (11:25):
Okay, Because it ain't never going to be what you
want In our mind as parentswe're like this is what we want
our kids to do.

Speaker 1 (11:31):
I'm a nurse.
I'm like you got to get in themedical field or something like
that, you got to be a lawyer,whatever.
And she's just like nah, that'snot for me.
I'm like, okay, and earlier inmy parenting, you know, with my
25-year-old, like I micromanagedher, I parent her to a point
where I wanted her to do what Iwanted her to do.
But the other three youngerones like taught me very quickly

(11:54):
like you got to let kids be whothey want to be.
Your job is to help them, tomotivate them, instruction them
and stuff Like not.
Your job ain't for them to beatyou and do exactly what you say
you don't even own these kids,that's a fact.

Speaker 2 (12:09):
So they rentals, and not even a rental is more so
like this is a bad word, butit's the first thing I could
think of that applies.
It's like a task.
Right like you, your job is toprepare them.
That's it.
You can't live the life of them.
You can't live it.
You know you can't and youcan't live your life vicariously
through them no.

Speaker 1 (12:27):
So a lot, of, a lot of people, a lot of people try
to do that and learn prettyquickly that you can't do that
yeah I was one of themmicromanaged moms like yo and
then I was like this ain'tworking out, they ain't.
You know, I'm gettingfrustrated because you ain't
listening to me right, you knowyou ain't doing what I said, but
, uh, the marine.
I never looked at it as being afather for her, though, but
that's pretty cool, because, um,you know even the whole time

(12:49):
that her and her sister is atthe military academy.
They've been there, so she'sstaff sergeant right now, so
when she goes in, she actuallygo in a different rank she's
gonna be a contract pfc yeah soit's a little different, but I
like that perspective.
You, you just said that there'sgoing to have father her too,
cause that's what shedesperately needs.
Because, again, I'm not afather and I don't really have

(13:10):
the male figures in her lifethat I would like to be able to.
Kind of father her or I haven't, I'm not going to say I don't
have a male.
I just haven't allowed that,you know, to happen.
I didn't like cultivate certainrelationships so that she can
have that male figure in herlife.
And that's why I tell moms like, first of all, being a single
mom is not a flex.

(13:31):
It is not a flex and it's soimportant for fathers to be in
their children's life, or eventhat male figure to be in their
children's life.
So let's talk about the, theimportant role.
Well, let's talk about the roleof a father, right, and then
the importance for it to be inthe child's life, the family and
community yeah, all right.

Speaker 2 (13:48):
So, um, I don't know.
I got two analogies.
The first one is going to belike a house, right, so I
imagine a house like.
The role of the father is thewood, right, the foundation,
okay, yeah, and.
And the structure, part of it.
And then the mom brings in.
When the mom come in in, nowyou got the walls, now the house
is getting character.
But I think that the fatherlyrole lies within the structure

(14:15):
and the guidance, which comes tothe next analogy where I want
to talk about.
So it's like when I startedgrowing plants, I learned the
value of wind to a plant.
Okay, what happens is when itblows in the wind as it's
blowing, it's breaking rightyeah, the, the um, the base of

(14:35):
the plant, whatever it is, it'smoving and it's breaking and
then it grows back morecalloused and strong, right?
The concept what don't kill you, make you stronger.
It's applicable to people andplants, okay, right?
So I think that a dad like ourrole is to, in addition to that
structure, by preparing childrenfor the real world, by giving

(14:55):
them that like, like that smackof dose of reality, if you will
right, like so, againreferencing back to my mom, my,
my sisters I love you.
Y'all do an amazing job, right?
But I also understandsimultaneously, like because of
how, like your delivery mightcome more.
So it's like are you going totake into account a lot more of

(15:15):
the emotional part?
And I'm going to take intoaccount, so, when your delivery
is going to be, like based on,is this emotionally delivered in
the right way and is it goingto be perfected for my child,
right?
right, and that's amazing, right, but it's also not what the
world is going to do for yourchild, right?
So the dad is going to comewith a perspective where there's
going to be a smack of reality,right, and I'm not necessarily

(15:38):
going to emotionally form it tobe fit for you, but instead I'm
going to give it to where it'sgoing to make you fit for the
world wow right.
So I think that, in the role ofparenting, you can consider a
dad like the wind right, likeI'm gonna put that pressure on
you, right, because that's myjob, and from that pressure,
which the marine corps is gonnado from her, that child gonna
learn confidence, right, they'regonna learn discipline, they're

(16:01):
gonna be structured and they'regonna have a a more it provided
that the mom is there andimpactful, instead of like, if
they're fighting, then now it'san average effect.
But if y'all could worktogether in harmony, whether it
be like you're in a two-parenthousehold or you're in a
co-parent relationship, both ofthem roles are essential,
because if you just got the dad,then you got a house and it's
there but ain't no walls and itain't no character, right, and

(16:23):
that's the real truth.
Yeah, I don't know how to buildout walls and all that.
That's not my role.
The most high ain't put me inthat, right, but what I do know
how to do is get that foundationgoing and get that structure
going Right.
And it comes intuitively to me.
My children respond differentlyto me than they respond to
their mom and I think theanalysis is because of that,

(16:49):
because you, because mothers,your role is to make sure that
it's packaged in the manner thatit's supposed to be delivered
and tell her, for your child,sense of identity, sense of
process and emotion, all of thatis very important.
It's imperative for a child.
So y'all's role is is equallyas important, right?
But if you have all of this andyou don't have the structure,
then you really got like youever seen them little joints
where you roll by and they gotthe air in them and they just
blow all around.
Yeah, now you got a you gotsomething there and it's good

(17:09):
and it's whole and you can seeit, but it don't got the
structure it's blowing all overthe place.

Speaker 1 (17:13):
It's trying, but it can't really produce what it
doesn't, it don't have that itdon't have that essential piece
that it need so I joined themarine corps to get that
essential piece.

Speaker 2 (17:21):
So I can now stand up like the structure I needed to
be.
I had all the right parts, Ihad all the the walls and
everything was in there, niceand designed again.
My mom did an excellent job, butwhat she couldn't do was she
couldn't apply that lifepressure to me right and she
couldn't separate her love theway she loved from me in a
manner that I needed it, so thatway I could receive stuff in

(17:42):
the way manner that I needed tosurvive in the world Right.
And she just couldn't do it andthat's okay.
Everybody played their ownessential role.
Again, the most high knew whathe was doing when he implemented
that balance.

Speaker 1 (17:55):
So I think, that.

Speaker 2 (17:55):
That's the role of fathers.

Speaker 1 (17:57):
Yo, that is so true because I was telling Ceezy and
other people I seen a TikTokright and it's like a complex.
It was like all these TikTokson there and there was parents
like the mom was telling thechild, even down to a toddler
right.
The mom was like, lay down, dothis and do that, and the kid is
just laughing at her, like youknow.
The dad walking around, he hadto raise his voice or not.
He just walking and said whatdid your mother say?

(18:26):
And the kids lay down fromtoddler all the way up to like
13.
Whatever the situation was, itwas them.

Speaker 2 (18:28):
I say yo like literally you straighten up when
you know that there's a manthere like the power and
authority and not in a way that,oh, this person's gonna help
hurt me, but you know that thisperson is here to love me,
protect me and all that and inin return, your response is I
want to be better, I want to, Iwant to function better, I want
to like that, that, thatpresence, like you said, that
authority, it, it keeps you likewithin, like boundaries, like

(18:50):
do bounds, but but to be able tobe upright, not to be confused
with like boundaries of keepingyou closed in because that's
backwards, right and when.
When I was young, drew skin, Ididn't really understand, right,
I was more of a.
I need to keep you in in thisright, like I need to keep you
boxed in boundaries because Iwould.
I had intuition but notunderstand it right right so now

(19:11):
fast forward.
Like you said, you've beenthrough the ringer and I've been
through a couple ringers, right, so now you get through the
ringers and then you.
Now I learn like now it's likemy role is still there, like I'm
supposed to be there as thosemargins of the boundaries, but
it'd be.
It needs to be more likeguidance than than like a, a

(19:31):
encasing where I can't box youin.
I just got to guide you, guideyou, yeah.

Speaker 1 (19:37):
I think that is so important, cause when you know,
even when you talk to like umfathers, or even like, you have
that father, right, that's that.
That that's super disciplinary,but more of a military
structure where there is noattachment, there's no like.
Even the emotional piece islike not even there, um, it's
more like this is what I said,do this is what you're going to

(20:00):
do.

Speaker 2 (20:00):
There's no relationship there that was me
when I was on active dutyparenting.
So my oldest baby she had.
So she I mean now at this pointI've been out nine years, she's
13, but her her initialexperience of me was that that
dictatorship?
yeah, absolutely yeah, so atthis, at this point, when amani
was born, so I joined the marinecorps in 06.

(20:22):
Amani was born, so I joined theMarine Corps in 06.
Imani was born in 2011.
So at this point, I've been infive years.
I'm a sergeant.
I got people under me, okay.

Speaker 1 (20:30):
Right, Like I'm invested.

Speaker 2 (20:31):
I'm locked in Right and then boom, now I got a baby
Right, and then by the timeshe's old enough to where she
can respond.
Now I'm a staff sergeantsergeants that work for me.

Speaker 1 (20:44):
I'm, I'm institutionalized, right gotcha.

Speaker 2 (20:45):
Yeah, yeah, yeah so you supposed to take off your
uniform at the door of the houseright and then go into your
house as the man right?
That's the philosophy thatyou're supposed to do tell that
damn amygdala.
That because they don'tunderstand, right, because
emotions and trauma maintains inthere, right?
So, even though I tried thebest I could to shed the

(21:07):
military part when I came home,it's kind of hard to be stashed
on a notion from six in themorning until 5 pm and then get
home at 530 and then yeah, nowI'm just Drew, yeah, and I'm
even in the military.

(21:30):
Okay, right, right so.
And then, because I didn't havethe emotional skills, right
because?
So I grew up in trauma,unfortunately, right.
So I didn't really get thescent through maslow's until I
was able to to heal a little bit, right so I didn't learn how to
have any emotions other thanexcited and anger.
Wow, yeah, I can say yeah, yeahso I was a grown man figuring
out this large scale of emotionslike legitimately grown man,

(21:52):
like in my 30s.
Right, because you don't havethe capacity to do that while
you're on active duty eitherbecause your mission is
different.
Right, you're in the military.
Your goal is not to beemotionally whole right now as a
matter of fact it could beargued that an emotionally whole
person on active duty is goingto struggle a little bit.
Yeah, right, because now yougot all of your attention pulled

(22:13):
in a whole bunch of differentways where you really need to be
laser focused.
Right, so it's competinginterests.
So not making excuses becauseyou're still accountable for it,
but yeah.

Speaker 1 (22:24):
I was that dictator, that I was.
Yeah, and I think sometimeswhat we see is like a lot of
times is um one either theirfather was a dictator, that like
you say if a person didn't goto the military.
But honestly, in this world itseemed like you're in the
military, you're fighting a warout here, like a lot of our
brothers are out here fighting awar, and the same way you just

(22:44):
said that in the military rightyou staff sergeant, uh nelson,
you had to come home and try totake the hat off.
I feel like a lot of men, uh,from what I've seen and growing
up in the state of chester, likethey out fighting the war
outside right and then try tocome home and try to take that
off, so that the way you justbroke that down just gave me a
little bit more understanding, adifferent perspective of why a

(23:07):
lot of men aren't emotionallyinvolved in their children or
relationally more of adictatorship.

Speaker 2 (23:12):
Because it's like I don't fought the world and it's
hard for me to put, especiallyif I didn't know this and didn't
see this before so let me add alittle bit more clarity to that
too, because now that you saidthat, that reminded me of a
conversation I had with theirmother.
So so fast forward.
In addition to me learning thisrange of emotions, now I gotta
go backtrack and I'm like, damnbro, you was, you fucked that.
Oh, I'm sorry you messed thatup.

(23:34):
You messed that up.
So now I gotta go takeaccountability.
So part of that process oftaking accountability, um, one
of the things I came to, theunderstanding was like trying to
understand why.
What was the issue with me?
Why is it that I was such adictator, right?
Why?
Because because you could.
You could label it like oh, isthis?

Speaker 1 (23:50):
right.

Speaker 2 (23:50):
But everything got a reason.

Speaker 1 (23:52):
Everything has a root .

Speaker 2 (23:53):
So what it came to was was that my life was so
chaotic outside of the walls.
I tried to create this peaceful, serene space in the home, but
I was willing to do it by anymeans necessary, that's.
That's a little backwards youngboy thinking right, um, but so
that ended up being a why bite?

(24:14):
So, like our, our natural thing.
We want to have our resolve, wewant to have our calm we want
to find balance, yeah right, andso my lifestyle depicts that
I'm.
I'm taking things by force, ifyou will right because it
demarcates aggressive cultureright like I don't.
I didn't ask my marines to dostuff, it wasn't.
Hey, do you guys mind if rightit was?

(24:36):
Like hey, go get that thing andget it over there quick.
Right, it was very autocratic,so that's Right.
And again, it's not easy tojust turn it off, right?
So that was the foundation ofhow I started.
But then, like you said, youlearn real quick that this don't
work because our kids arehumans Absolutely.

(24:58):
So now you got to realize that,you got to figure out all right,
how can I create this spacethat I need for balance, because
this world is chaotic and I doneed to understand that there's
two different worlds, right?
So what can I do as a father?
What can I do as a man to getthat space where it's like, all
right, I can get into the mentalspace of being a parent and I

(25:21):
can check it.
But I also got to be aware ofit to happen in order to do it.
So I think what would help is,or what could help in general.
That's why spouses are importanttoo.
Right, right, like you gottahave a solid spouse that can
they know you and see you andsay like, hey, listen, like
you're not, you're notcommunicating well, or you're
not progressing in this areawhere you should like this,

(25:43):
where you lacking that, likecall you on it, be that mirror.
So now I can understand it's aproblem.
Because if you don't havesomebody explain, that can
explain it to you or show youlike this problem is happening,
then it's real easy to thinkthat, oh, it ain't a problem,
because if your results basedbecause what's wrong with it?

Speaker 1 (25:58):
right, yeah, it's working it's doing it.

Speaker 2 (26:02):
So the way to get out of that, I think, is two things
right.
So one, we just need to be madeaware of it, and then two, like
what I learned is like takeyour time out, take that that
time before you go in, to gosomewhere, to decompress, and
then refocus on what your goalis.
So if your goal is create apeaceful, safe space, then put
that in the front of your mind.

(26:23):
Pray for that before you walk inthe house.
So that's what your focus is.
But I didn't understand all ofthat before.
But again, why dads areimportant?
Because now I can walk thispath and then now I can
communicate that to my childrenas well.

Speaker 1 (26:36):
Absolutely.
Yeah, I think that that is thatis so true.
I had a gentleman on here, likeI think, last year or whatever,
and he was talking about really, um, decompressing before you
go in the house you know howimportant it is because you know
again, you, you have so muchweight on you right yeah and you
want to be able to parenteffectively, like we don't.
you know, I know I don't believein parenting.

(26:56):
Mother and father, just titles.
These are lifestyles.
This is what we live, right,right.
So how do we do it effectively?
Because, you know, a lot oftimes, what we see now is that,
because we didn't heal ourwounds, we're now bleeding over
our children, right.
So now we're having to go backto heal ourselves.
So then, therefore, we don'thave a transfer to our children

(27:20):
and it becomes transgenerationalnow versus just, you know, not
doing it just because my mamadid it, my daddy did it, my
sister did it, my aunt did it,and we don't even know why they
all did it.
They don't know why they did itand not just accepting, I think
the world that we live in nowwith our children, though,
they're not accepting stuff likewe did back in the day.

Speaker 2 (27:39):
Right, they question everything Because they have
more information available tothem.
Yeah Right, we grew up in silos, almost Like all of our
environments was controlled allthe way down to.
Tv Right, like, if you rememberin the 90s or what?
early 90s, when Congress passeda law to where they no longer

(27:59):
regulated what could be put inmusic and all of that right.
That's when they changed, andthat's the same time as the
internet boom and start popping.
So there was a shift.
But you remember the early 90sand before, yeah, the sitcoms
that was on it was so clean.

Speaker 1 (28:08):
It was like everybody you know the huxtables and
stuff like that a lot.
Even just even growing up theywere just solid families, that
that you could kind of look upto it, even though you knew this
wasn't your family, but this iswhat you could hope your family
could be.
So what do I need to do toproduce this type of family?
Then the shift came and it'slike free fall.
Listen, you can live how youwant to live, I live how I want.

(28:30):
It's my business, right, andthat's what kind of literally
changed the trajectory ofparenting.
Really too, absolutely and thenI was talking to my friend.
He was talking about today aboutbecause we were talking about
discipline, right and um, I wastelling him what we're talking
about the show tonight and we wewere talking about um, because
what happened was somebody.
Somebody stole packages off hisapartment on the step.

(28:53):
Like you know, kids they goaround not even just kids,
though, adults, so they stealingpackages.
And um, and he was.
He was just basically sayingthat that, um, the kids need to
get butt kicking and it's theseparents.
And I was like listen, we had aconversation like this on bible
study last night aboutparenting, because I believe
that if we don't give ourparents the tools to be able to
parent properly, we're doing adisservice to our community.

Speaker 2 (29:17):
For sure.

Speaker 1 (29:18):
Because the first thing that happens to our kids
is the parents' fault, right?

Speaker 2 (29:22):
Right.

Speaker 1 (29:22):
Which I mean we're raising our kids Like we should,
but at the same time, if theparents grew up, you don't know
better.
If you haven't seen better, youwon't do better.
If you don't know better, youcan't do better, right?
So if we don't get into, I waslike, yeah, the parents you know
those kids is probably isdefinitely a result of the
parenting, but the parents isprobably a result of their

(29:43):
parenting and their parenting.
So I understand that we gottaget on our parents.
But can we help the parents?
Can we show the parents how toactually parent properly?
Because if you don't know, youdon't know.

Speaker 2 (29:53):
You think it's normal for you to be smacking your son
in the back of the head.
That was me.

Speaker 1 (29:57):
Cursing your son out.
That was me.

Speaker 2 (30:00):
Like spankings was very normal to me, right Like
this was a decision I made whereI'm like all right, let me get
out of this spanking thing.
My last time I got it, the lasttime my mother put her hands on
me, right, I was 15.
So, to put it in perspective,this, that's just normalizing
all across my whole family.
I have one cousin, one that I've, that I remember from when we

(30:23):
was younger has alwaysconsistently like nah, spankers
are trash.
That's like slave mentality,and when I heard him saying that
, I'm like yo, you crazy yeahright, nah, he's not crazy, no
nah, he's not crazy at all.
Nah, he's not crazy at all,because how are you going to
teach your child not to beviolent by using violence?

Speaker 1 (30:39):
By using violence.
You know what, when I starteddoing like parenting, I didn't.
It's two things to thissituation I think about now that
I've been in there for a minute.
When I first started parenting,I never wanted to be like my
parents because I was mishandled.
I was mishandled, I was fumbled, so um, what abuse and things
like that.
So the way that I looked at itis that I wasn't going to hurt

(31:01):
my children and I felt likephysical was going to hurt them.
So I figured out a way to parentwhere I didn't have to
physically discipline them, likepunishment and things like that
.
And that worked it really did.
And so, uh, these last threeright here, the first one it
worked for, you know, and theother ones it worked for until
they became teenagers, see,that's the thing.

(31:28):
So then I start saying, well,there's such a thin line between
what you should do and what youshouldn't do, because I felt
like I did so much for them andtheir discipline was me, you
know, maybe taking somethingaway.
And I felt like, when it waslike 14 and 15, I'm like man, I
should have whooped your tail,man.
Because I feel like this stuffis coming back to me.
But actually I'm still thinkingabout it, because now that the
one she's 18, I didn't have tobeat her.

(31:48):
I didn't do any of those things, but she turned out to be a
well-rounded child.
What she did used to say to methough won't you just beat me?
I was like what?
Because her mom and her dad andmy sister this is what we grew
up as right.
So when my sister was alive,her discipline was spanking her
kids.
So when I got her at eight, shedid something wrong.
She immediately thought I wassupposed to whoop her.
I was like, no, we don't dothat around here, we don't do

(32:11):
that.
But it took a long time for herto even get that out of her
mind.
So sometimes we think that, um,so I was telling him.
I was like there's a there's aline between abuse and
discipline and I think theproblem is because a lot of
parents are emotionally unstable, that it goes over to the abuse
side quick and then you're veryquick and then when you're left

(32:32):
, let held in a bag, like, well,now I'm in jail because I hurt
my kid, just any other mistaketaken away, but it's because you
crossed that line.
So I was telling him.
I was like so one of the thingsthat I tell parents when I
coach parents, it's like don'tdo it while you're angry, while
you're upset, don't don't evenhave the conversation while
you're upset and angry.
Because you know when you'reangry, stuff come out, stuff say
stuff.
You be calling people.
I said I was so angry with mykids one day Again, this is

(32:55):
where I realized I don't own mykids.
They teenagers, 16 to 18.
And I kept telling them toclean the kitchen, don't leave
this there, don't do this.
I'm like that's all I ask youto do is just clean the bathroom
yourself.
They didn't clean up afterthemselves.
And I came to the house.
I was driving four hours fromschool one day and I was just so

(33:18):
emotionally wrapped myself thatwhen I came in and I saw them
didn't do what I said.
I was so upset.
I started screaming and yellingat them, throwing pots and pans
on the floor, like I had anadult temper tantrum at 43 years
old.
It was so much in me.
But what I did was I caughtmyself because I start feeling
like my mom.
I start feeling like seeingthings that I saw before.
So, instead of because wordshave power, so, instead of

(33:39):
telling my son you lazy, I waslike, you got lazy tendencies
and I don't like these lazytendencies.
Like, instead of telling himsomething that he's not like,
you're not lazy, you just choosethe wrong path.
Right now, you, you, you makingthe wrong choice.
So you have lazy tendencies.
And I went upstairs in my roomand I cried out to God because I
never wanted to be that angryparent and everything.

(33:59):
So I went upstairs, I cried toGod and I came back down.
I apologized to my kids.
My kids told me there's no needfor apology.
You was upset, you had theright to be upset and I said I
did have the right to be upset.
However, how displayed thatanger was wrong.

Speaker 2 (34:13):
That's right, because I don't want actions that you
were apologizing for, not youremotion.

Speaker 1 (34:17):
Yeah, I was like because if that's teaching you
guys that you can behave thatway, right, that's not
appropriate.

Speaker 2 (34:23):
That's not acceptable .

Speaker 1 (34:24):
So we have to be able to control our emotions, be
able to get our point acrosswithout showing that type of
anger.
So, although you guys forgaveme for whatever you forgive me
for, but I'm apologizing to youas a mom that that was out of
order.

Speaker 2 (34:40):
Right.

Speaker 1 (34:40):
And a lot of parents.
We don't take thatresponsibility.
I said what I said.
I did what I did Right.
That's horrible and you betterlisten.
So I think, as and also as afather in the house, like that
whole structure would bedifferent.
And I'm not shortchangingsingle parenting again because,
listen, I've been doing it,listen y'all my kids are doing

(35:01):
well.
However, I do understand theimportance of the authority in
the house, because if I got totell my kids something five
times and then you come in thereand tell them one time, like
I'd rather you come to them onetime.
But let me stick to theemotional portion of it how to
do certain things, like you said, put these walls up, dress
these curtains and stuff and youhandle the tough stuff.

Speaker 2 (35:21):
Making it a house?
Yeah Right, well-rounded.

Speaker 1 (35:24):
Yeah, I think that is so important.
And we just, you know, in acommunity we see a lot of
children quote unquote actingout of order and we wonder why
they're acting out of order andthe first thing they always say
is what does a household looklike?

Speaker 2 (35:42):
Right, because they want to find out if the father
is present.
That's the trick way.

Speaker 1 (35:47):
Yeah.
So what do we do?
What do we say?
How do we get men to understandtheir importance, do we?
How do we get men to understandtheir importance?
This in spite of, in despite of, however their relationship is
with the mother.
Because I hear, when I coachmen and I tell them listen, use
the course the woman, use courtsystem against you, use them.

(36:09):
Because a lot of guys who Italked to said well, she won't
let me do this or she won't letme.

Speaker 2 (36:14):
I always say that go get, go to the court, because no
judge will deny you access toyour child, which means that no
woman can exactly right so, buta lot of men don't do that.
I don't know why.
It's messaging right.
So, in the same way that themessaging is what was used
against us to break us apart asfamilies, right because that's
what it came down to wasmessaging right this concept of
an independent black woman.

(36:35):
Right, that was created and itwasn't an internal.
We didn't create that, we wastaught that right, absolutely
and the messaging there whereit's like all right, I don't
need a man and I don't need myfather, right, because of the
absence.
Now this came as a result ofthe absence, right?
Um, but just in the same mannerthat that messaging taught a

(36:55):
generation of people that thatthey't matter in their role, we
got to reverse the messaging andit's happening now Like I'm
seeing it now, right, like Ithink you know, the pendulum is
swinging.
Now people are starting to seelike all right, we've been on
this no dad kick for like20-something years and now
they're like all right it's notworking, it's not working so

(37:17):
let's.
I think it's the messaging wegot to, how we communicate.
So, like you're doing right now, like when we talking about the
importance of dads right, weneed to have that conversation
on a larger scale.
It's part of that.
As a matter of fact, thisSaturday it's happening at

(37:42):
harris dr o oh yeah, so heapproached me.
I just met dr o um through abrother, tom, outlaw and um,
they approached me about doing aparenting workshop and the
concept is is amazing, right?
So it's just a group of fatherswho are active and involved,
looking to create basically likea support group in the network
of passing on information andthen growing it by inviting
people.
So I think that a lot of men,especially black men, don't have

(38:07):
the the social spaces likewomen have to, where y'all can
communicate and ask questionsand learn about asking the
details right.
Like you, I'm sure if you hadyour mom and your aunties around
, you've been in that socialsetting, having them
conversations and themcommunications from way back as
a young age.
And I can assure you that themsocial settings don't happen
with dudes, and the very fewtimes that they do happen and

(38:30):
when I mean very few times thatthey do happen it's focused on
very useless stuff, to put itright, like nothing, like
there's not an exchange ofvaluable information, it's more
like junk talking, which that'scool and it serves its purpose.

(38:51):
right, if you're trying totoughen somebody up, and that's
important for that part of it.
But that part of where wherewe're sharing resources and
communicating so that people hisage can understand and learn
that as a man, it's okay for youto be able to communicate as
well as protect, right?
You know what I mean.
Both can be true.
That can be changed throughmessaging, but then also through
them, social groups.

(39:12):
So I like what Dr O is doingbuilding out social group
because then that's gonna startteaching a group of people and
then each one could teach oneand we could change it, because
we we've been Miseducated, right, and we've been shut out of
resources and things to make ussuccessful, and then, on top of
that, our people have beensystemically attacked to make us
politically weak andeconomically weak, right.

(39:33):
So, in spite of all of that, westill here and now.
We got to do the best, andhistory has showed us that when
we have been most successful iswhen we did it on our own within
our own Right.
So I think that this thing thatDr O is doing is dope, because
now that this is where now wecreate solutions internally, but

(39:53):
while also building out systemsand structures that could be
perpetual, because now everydude that comes and attends to
that meeting now has a conceptof what they need to do, and
they can take that same conceptand do it elsewhere absolutely,
and then they can just growexponentially I think that's
awesome because, like you said,like there's not spaces like
that right, it's not it reallyisn't the space that we talk

(40:13):
about.

Speaker 1 (40:13):
Honestly, when we talk about black men, it's
always aggressive, negative andum and it's sad, even even when
it comes to parenting.
We talk about the lack, of youknow, instead of how do we right
help, how do we bring them tounderstand that?
What is creating a safe spacefor men?
Because you know, I know, mendon't want to be a pair of weak

(40:34):
right right.
But showing them that that'snot even a weakness if you
parenting properly, if you ifyou're taking care of your
emotional needs, your physicalneeds.
that's not a weakness, that's astrength.

Speaker 2 (40:42):
It's not.
But we taught that showingemotion is weak.
So again it goes back to themessaging Right, Because really
the true understanding is thatif you could show your emotion
and manage it Right, that's thekey.
Managing your emotion takes farmore strength than responding
with aggression.
I promise you from real lifeexperience this is hard.

(41:02):
It's easy to yell and fight.

Speaker 1 (41:03):
Yeah, that's simple, it comes almost naturally right.

Speaker 2 (41:08):
But containing myself through that emotion is still
thinking and still makingconscious decisions that are
impactful positively and thatare constructive as opposed to
destructive behavior.
Because I'm angry right,maintaining that through my
emotions, it's hard yeah, I justthought about something that's
strength.

Speaker 1 (41:28):
Yeah, that's strength , right there I just thought
about something we, when wetalked about um, like the
emotion I think about because wewe look back in slavery days,
right, yeah and we look when you, when you.
The way that slavery isdepicted is that you know, the
master tried to weaken the manright humiliating him in front
of de-masculating in front ofwomen and then had the women
lose respect for that manbecause they weren't able to

(41:50):
provide protect for that familyright.
So then that's when the womanbegan to have more of a voice
because of that, and I justthought about like wow, and it's
a significant shift in thebalance.
Yeah, right yeah, I justthought about that.
I mean like how, like when wethink about how, how did this
happen?
Where did it come from?

Speaker 2 (42:08):
because even when we look like way deep back in the
days, like the men had like thepowerful position in the family
but then slavery came around,and then they got the message,
you know so there was a bookthat started selling by a
gentleman if you can call himthat, by a damn demon by the
name of Willie Lynch.
Right, right, you familiar.

(42:29):
Mm hmm, so that Willie Lynchwent across the South selling
his books and methods andtechniques for profit on how to
break a slave for generations?
Right, and a lot of thepractices that you just spoke of
where they would demasculatethe man in front of everybody,
the biggest one, right, right,and the things that they did.

(42:52):
They didn't even haveboundaries, it was as bad they
would rape him or do whateverright.
But they fully understood thatthey would throw off the balance
.
Because it's like so, what Godput together, let no man tear
apart.

Speaker 1 (43:05):
Right.

Speaker 2 (43:06):
So the most high understood the importance of the
balance of family.

Speaker 1 (43:11):
Absolutely yeah.

Speaker 2 (43:11):
So then now, during the 1800s, that time was wicked.
It was like the wild, wild westfor everything, right.
So social scientists at thetime time who was racist, white
males?
Started putting out media thatthey were calling science, right
with these ideologies that werevery racial, right so, but it

(43:32):
was founded in science, right?
So if you observe the humanmind enough, then you can start
seeing that individually we arevery unpredictable, right, what
you might do in this time, inthis moment.
Nobody would know what I mightdo.
Observe the human mind enough,then you can start seeing that
individually we are veryunpredictable, right, what you
might do in this time, in thismoment.
Nobody would know what I mightdo in this time, in this moment,
nobody would ever know.
But if you look at your lifeoverall and you look at my life
overall, in the collective ofeverybody else lives overall,
we're very, very, verypredictable right right.

(43:54):
We're only unpredictableindividually in the moment, but
overall, overall as a mass,we're very predictable.
And because we're verypredictable, they studied it and
they understood on how to hackour brains and, more
specifically, how to throw offthat balance that God created
Right.
So, like you say, if you canconvince a person who was

(44:14):
designed to be with two right tofunction together.
Right, because humans aresocial.

Speaker 1 (44:21):
It's in our core.

Speaker 2 (44:22):
It's in our DNA right .
That's why, to torture somebody, you put them in solitary,
because what you're doing isyou're going against your core
structure.

Speaker 1 (44:30):
That's intentional, it's psychological.
Yeah, it messes with yourpsyche.

Speaker 2 (44:33):
We're designed by God to be social right.
That's why you hurt us.
You harm us by keeping us apart, right, so convince a person
who's designed to be withsomebody that they don't need
their partner Bingo.
Right, so that's what happened.
Right?
They take that concept and thenthey do all kind of
manipulative things that havethat same foundational

(44:56):
characteristic that it's goingto all intend it to break them
apart, right?
So if I can make the man not aprovider, then he loses value.
If I can convince the womanthat she don't need him, he
further loses value absolutely.

Speaker 1 (45:07):
And then?

Speaker 2 (45:07):
so now you got a divided unit right and now I can
control the kids, why theyfighting, and I can raise them
up in the way that I want themto be right right.
And then because they never sawa foundation of what this, this
unit, is supposed to look like.
How do they even aspire to it?

Speaker 1 (45:23):
absolutely, yeah, right wow.

Speaker 2 (45:26):
So they took this science and manipulated it and
taught it to slave owners andimplemented it on us live in
real time real time and the theexpected effects of it are
playing out right now, today.
Right, but there was anunintended consequence.
I believe our people were soinfluential across the globe,

(45:50):
right, because of our influenceon how we are in the united
states, it is spilled over intothe society that they didn't
intend it.
So now you're seeing the samethings that was implemented to
break us.
It's now spreading like cancerand it's destroying the society
Right.
So now they started outintentionally break breaking
black families for politicalgain.

Speaker 1 (46:09):
Right.

Speaker 2 (46:10):
And now American families are broken for
political gain.

Speaker 1 (46:13):
Yeah, right, absolutely.

Speaker 2 (46:15):
And economic gain.

Speaker 1 (46:17):
Yeah, that's.
That's interesting you saidthat how it's playing across the
globe, because I've beenwatching.
I'm a history buff so I watch alot of documentaries and I
watch, you know, about theHolocaust, right, I watched
about the Holocaust, but I watchit more about the Holocaust
versus Hitler, like not Hitlergrowing up, right.
So I was watching it.
And the series on Netflix, anew series like six episodes.

(46:39):
My friend had started watchingit and it talks about how he
grew up and how he was able todominate his power, right.
But then it also talks aboutwhich I didn't know, which kind
of got to me.
Is that a lot of his stuff hetook from Jim Crow, like like
the way that.
Americans were treatingAmericans, he stole it it.

(46:59):
He stole it and then starttreating everybody else the same
.
And then we uh, that'ssomething people don't talk
about, that they don't talkabout the damage that how, what
we, what was done in slavery,has went across the world and
people began to treat everybodya certain way, right and um, I
thought that was very intriguingbecause I I was like, well, jim
, wait a minute, how Jim can hit, I didn't even know that, but

(47:21):
it makes sense.

Speaker 2 (47:22):
I mean because so we America does a great job at
messaging right.
That's what it all comes downto.
That was another one ofHitler's greatest successes yeah
, that he was able to organizeand unite via messaging right.
He put everybody in a uniformwith a united identity and, more
specifically, he united thembased off of what he knew, like
they all collectively had issueswith this one group of people.

(47:42):
So now let me rally these folksbehind it, right so now that's
the social sciences behind it,but then also the genius of the
marketing right let me put themin a uniform, because because
when you wear a uniform, youfeel a part of something.

Speaker 1 (47:53):
Yeah, you feel a part of something.

Speaker 2 (47:55):
So because that goes back to that social order,
because that's how we wasdesigned.
God made us that way.
You can't change it yeah rightnow there are significant
effects, events that happen inour life.
That does change it right.
Maslow's hierarchy of needspreferences that right.
So people go through traumasand then now they're cut off
from emotional connections.
They're emotionally immature.

(48:15):
That doesn't make them lesssocial, you still know they
social because you see how theylike so emotionally immature
people.
Still they're not sitting hereisolating, right.
They're still going out.
They're just doing emotionaldamage while they're doing it
absolutely yeah so it's crazyhow they manipulate it.
But it's also, once you learn it, you realize like we are very

(48:37):
simple, as people like.
Like we're not complex like wethought.

Speaker 1 (48:40):
Right, right yeah.

Speaker 2 (48:42):
It's very easy to pull our levers.

Speaker 1 (48:46):
And you know, I think this is a very important
conversation because we alwaystalk about the father not being
in the house, but we don't talkabout what happened for that
father not to be in the house.
And then how do we fix that?
Like I'm a solution problem.
Like all right, we know theproblem is here, like lack of
active fathers, but in order toget the solution, you got to

(49:08):
know the root of the problem.

Speaker 2 (49:09):
I think we need to fix it by figuring out a way for
our society, our black society,right, because I'm talking
about our problems.
Right, we need to mirror thesocial structure of the 1960s
back Right.
So humans have existedthroughout history, right, on

(49:31):
large scales, with a concept ofcommunity.

Speaker 1 (49:35):
Absolutely the Indians, the.

Speaker 2 (49:36):
Iroquois, the concept that we have that the
confederacy came from they stoleit from the confederacy of
indian tribes right right yeah,the, the constitution that we,
that we have today.
I forget the philosopher's namethat talked about it, right,
but that spoke about coming fromthe concept of a unity through
rome and all of that.

Speaker 1 (49:56):
But it also still incorporated montesquieu I think
his name was, I think so.

Speaker 2 (49:59):
Montesquieu, but anyway.
So I think we need to mirrorthat right.
So the 1960s is the best one,because we're talking about now
we know what life looks likeindustrialized right.
So we go back too far and wehave farmland rule and then we
can't do that right.
But so in the 1960s we hadbooming cities.

(50:21):
We had new york city was it wasa a finance capital.
We had infrastructure, we hadsubways, we had connectivity
right.
But what we still had was veryand this is the key thing right.
We had strong family units rightso we need to work on building
back towards fame, strong,strong family units.
Let's stop dating and marryingjust for emotions and love and
let's start making real life,wise decisions.

Speaker 1 (50:39):
Right because let's stop dating and marrying just
for emotions and love and let'sstart making real life wise
decisions right, because let'sstop dating just for emotions
and love and let's start makingreal life wise decisions right,
because partners right is this agood fit for me long term?

Speaker 2 (50:52):
are you going to compliment me?
Are we going to be able to worktogether and build out a family
structure?
Right, that's the core unit,the foundational unit.
But then also, once we startworking on building that family
structure and we got it, then itneeds to grow so that family
needs to go into, grow into acommunity right and in an
organized community we got tounite, just like every other
community does, behind some kindof common goal.

(51:14):
Maybe it might be because I'mI'm a chinese individual, or
maybe I'm a korean individualand I'm living in koreantown, or
maybe maybe I'm a Koreanindividual and I'm living in
Koreatown, or maybe I'm a Latinaindividual and I'm living in
the area where everybody isSpanish speaking, or maybe I'm
an East Indian individual.
They all live amongstthemselves because they share a
common goal.
They have clearly definedboundaries because they

(51:35):
understand power brokering.
You got to have your own clear,defined boundaries with people
with a common goal.
That's a foundation fororganization and it's an
extenuance of a family structureright.
When we had that in the 1960s.
That's how you see a kingstanding there, interlocked
right Arm to arm, with a bunchof men in black suits, moving on

(51:57):
one accord, thinking together.
The Bible say when two or moregather, I'm in the presence.
Absolutely, yeah, that's howyou get a malcolm x where he can
have a bunch of men in thecommunity lined up, moving on
one accord.
And now you doing things likegetting brothers out of prison
during the jim crow era, right,pissing off the chief of police
because he mad that one man gotall that power how do we?

(52:18):
achieve that building a family,a strong family structure, and
then building that extension ofthat family structure back into
the community structure.
Because it was our unity, thatwas our strength and is our
strength.
Right, and that's the way thatwe've survived since the
beginning of time.
Right, the hunter gatherersbegan to make significant
progress when they came together, as opposed to being scattered,

(52:41):
yeah, Right, they came together.
They started creatingcommunities to live and survive,
to be able to fight off thewildlife, to be able to tend to
the young.
And then now these villagesstarted growing and that was the
sort of game changer.
Was fire, right?
But in addition to experiencingand understanding fire, fast
forward, realizing the power ofyour community and building

(53:03):
together.
Let's stop being scattered inthese caves, onesies and twosies
, and let's collectively unitetogether and build this up,
because we we stronger togetherand that's gonna always be true,
because that's that's coded inour dna right ain't nothing more
powerful than a group of peoplethinking together.

Speaker 1 (53:21):
There's nothing more powerful than that, that thing
right there.
That is basically the blueprintright there, because I think
about what's done when we'reunified, even when we think
about the whole Black LivesMatter, whatever was going on
with that, but we were unified,right.

Speaker 2 (53:40):
Right and we were able to get something done, as
superficial as it was, but Ithink that that was only as a
result of cause.
We just had the wrong goals onpaper.
Yeah Right, we just want tochange instead of what change?

Speaker 1 (53:50):
What change?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 (53:52):
Cause change brought.

Speaker 1 (53:53):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (53:54):
And we got exactly what we asked for.
Yeah Right, I haven't seen a.
What is it?
The Confederate?
I ain't seen a Confederatestatue since.
Yeah, no, but the reality is Iain't give a damn about them.
Confederate statues Change thatoperational statue that's
affecting my real life.

Speaker 1 (54:12):
Yeah, change the system.
Do that one Change the system.

Speaker 2 (54:14):
Pass an anti-hate law act that's going to protect
people like me.
Right, we got an asian hatebill, respect right right, we
got a well, we don't got a bill,but but uh, european hate bills
are already written in right,lgbt got protections right where
the, where the blackprotections at right so I mean

(54:38):
knocking down them, down themConfederate statues was cool.

Speaker 1 (54:41):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (54:42):
Right, and it's a testament of what we could do
when we work together.

Speaker 1 (54:45):
But let's be strategic too.
Yeah, not just say I want tochange, what kind of shit we got
you got to.
You know I'm a strong believer.
Write the vision, make a planso those who read it, and how
can you run?
Because now you're running likea renegade, you don't kind of

(55:06):
know.
You're just like I want tochange, I want to change.
But that's just so proven thatwhen we stick together, how
things can change and I likewhat you said about the concept
of the way to get this where weneed it to be is we back up and
build the family structure,rebuild the family, build back.

Speaker 2 (55:22):
That's build back better right there, Build back
better yeah.

Speaker 1 (55:24):
The family structure.

Speaker 2 (55:25):
And we do that Once we got a community, then we can
start creating businesses thatmeets our community needs right.
So now that's enterprising,that's keeping the dollar in the
black community and that aredefined boundaries, right, the
blueprint already there.
We just don't know it becausewe won't be reading and we're
miseducated.
This stuff I'm telling youright now.
I promise you I ain't learnedthis at the high, I ain't

(55:48):
learned this at the high either.

Speaker 1 (55:51):
Listen, when I went to college and I started taking
African-American history, I waslike wait a minute what they did
, what how.

Speaker 2 (56:00):
I didn't even know for real.
You know what the sad truth is.
I was 14, 13, 14 before I.
I actually connected that thatblack history dates back to the
beginning of time and even thenI didn't fully understand it.
I didn't fully understand itwith with tangible facts that I
could spit at you to make sense.
Right, I didn't get that untilI was 30, right, but just the

(56:23):
basic connection that our blackhistory didn't start in in
slavery.
Yeah, that didn't come in, I wasa teenager right.
The epitome of miseducation iscrazy, the craziest thing.

Speaker 1 (56:34):
I remember even going to school and it wasn't until I
was in Alaska middle schoolRoots came out.

Speaker 2 (56:42):
I'm dating my son for 44.

Speaker 1 (56:44):
Roots came out.
That's when I actually knewanything about black history.
Right, but it was through Roots.
It wasn't through everythingelse that happened before Roots,
it was literally through Roots.
And then what they tried toconvince us is that, like,
almost like, there was two waysthat they were trying to teach
us roots.
One was that the white peopleEuropean white people came and

(57:05):
stole us from the land.

Speaker 2 (57:06):
Right.

Speaker 1 (57:06):
Right.
And then the other.
The other part was that we soldour own people, you know.
So it was kind of like you madat white people, but you mad at
ourself too, like it was like somuch miseducation and reward
that and that it wasn't.
I'm telling you, when I was inmy 40s in college and I'm like
reading African American historyand I'm like, whoa, now I'm
teaching my kids this andthey're like well, I need to

(57:28):
take African American studiesbecause everything I've learned
at school doesn't seem like itwas right, but it was
intentional.

Speaker 2 (57:34):
It was imagine if I understood the Mali Empire when
I was a young boy, if I knewanything about Mansa Musa right.
My dreams could have been sodifferent, right, but I was
intentionally put in the boxright.
But so now, as a father, I'mmaking my business to make sure

(57:54):
that those boundaries and thosehurdles that was thrown in my
path.
I'm blazing through it.
I'm clearing it out, right, butalso, at the same time, I'm not
fit to give it to my children,right.
I got a structure in place thatthey're learning all different
kinds of things, and thentestament to their mother Like I
love our co-parentingrelationship, like we work so
well together.

Speaker 1 (58:14):
Right.

Speaker 2 (58:15):
So we balance because she's she an emotional guru.

Speaker 1 (58:19):
Right.

Speaker 2 (58:20):
I don't have that Right.
So now that we couldcommunicate a lot better, like
she's able to check me on that,offer sound advice on how my
approach could be when I'minteracting with her and
different things.
Right.
And then the same is true, likeit's a real reciprocity.
So even though we're nottogether, we are absolutely
raising our children togetherright, that's the power of

(58:42):
co-parenting.

Speaker 1 (58:43):
I think you said something important and I think
I want to touch on that bit ofhow to co-parent effectively
yeah like, because that's achallenge right now that is
what's out there.
You know, and that's what notonly like the family is not
together, but then we can't evencommunicate, for the sake of
the child right like that.

(59:04):
That's a lot of people that Italked to in coaching and I
experienced it with my own self,but I was determined it's about
the kids.

Speaker 2 (59:11):
I don't care about the attitude none of that I got
a rule that's going to take careof probably about 70 percent of
any co-parenting issues thatmost people have, and by the
time I get to the second one,it's going to move it to like 90
of it.
Right, rule number one stophaving sex if y'all not together
okay, that's right there, yeahall of the perpetual issues.

(59:35):
I'm mad at you.
All of that right.
You ain't never going to beable to heal past that and
refocus on your child if you'rekeeping yourself in this trauma
cycle because you keep onreopening that wound of that
relationship that you know ain'tworking right right.
So you keep getting mad, andthen now it's your anger driving
the bus instead of your reality.

Speaker 1 (59:52):
Driving the bus right okay, so stop yeah, stop having
okay, you're done.

Speaker 2 (59:59):
You're done like co-parent draw boundaries and
respect it right second thingheal from your traumas that you
caused each other.
Communicate it right becausethere's gonna be an unspoken
elephant that's gonna causey'all hindering like it's gonna
hinder you if you don't discussand take accountability at least

(01:00:20):
one part of why one person gotto do it right got to clear that
air.
You got to be adults about it,right?
Whatever occurred when y'allwas in y'all's relationship
can't carry on into the childrenrearing process and only way to
make sure that it don't is ifyou set up them boundaries yeah
right.
Otherwise you're gonna keep onkeeping yourself in that cycle

(01:00:41):
where now the focus is going tobe y'all's relationship and the
parenting is going to be thebackseat, because you can't tell
yourself to separate fromyourself emotionally when you
trigger, you can't, it don'twork.
That's not the way.
The amygdala works.

Speaker 1 (01:00:53):
Yeah, yeah, you trigger it.
You, you trigger it.

Speaker 2 (01:00:55):
You in amygdala Override.
It's running the bus now untilyou can come down, and I feel
like a lot of people are livingin a cycle like that.
With them, relationships,absolutely, because you're going
on this ebb and flow when y'allcool, everything good, and then
y'all beefing, and then nowyour parenting drops and then
you're doing this thing Right.
You can be a lot moreconsistent if you control

(01:01:15):
yourself first.
More consistent if you controlyourself first.

Speaker 1 (01:01:22):
So stop humping it's simple stop, stop doing it, yeah
, and then address your traumas.

Speaker 2 (01:01:24):
Address, address, right, stop trying to act like
it didn't happen, because youcan't.
It happened for real, for realyeah, it happens.
So if y'all don't address itand be accountable, and you
don't gotta ever agree on it,I'm not saying that I'm not
saying agree on it.
I'm not saying become perfected.
I'm not saying become perfected.
I'm not saying forget about it.
I'm saying address it rightbecause once you address it, the
sting lessens, right?

(01:01:45):
So now, if something goes wrong, I could think clear-headed
instead of thinking from thelens of my anger and my trauma.
Right, right, yeah, so I feltlike that.
That'll take care of the vastmajority of the stuff we have
because then from there, nowthat you got clear lines of
communication, oh little drewskihas such and such going on.
Now you can give your opinionwithout it gonna be some

(01:02:07):
backlash, because it's anemotional trigger.
She can give her opinionwithout being some backlash and
emotional trigger.
And then, now that all of theinformation is on the page,
y'all y'all gather together,focus on the same concept.
Now y'all can make real-lifecollective decisions that's
going to affect your childrenthe proper way.
Right yeah, instead of it justhappening in between while y'all
battling.

(01:02:29):
The best way, you know how, froman individual perspective,
because we're not designed likethat.

Speaker 1 (01:02:34):
We're not designed like that.
We're designed for community,right, right.

Speaker 2 (01:02:38):
So we need both powerful yeah, the decisions of
the child need to come from acollective of the mother and the
father.
If the mother making all thedecisions, it's going to be a
problem.
If the father making all thedecisions, it's going to be a
problem.
Neither one of us individuallycan attain what we needed to
attain, but when we worktogether, we make a whole child
right.
Frederick douglas said it's farbetter to build strong children

(01:03:00):
than to repair broken men, andthat's like the philosophy of
how I take my approach andraising my children you know
that's good.

Speaker 1 (01:03:07):
My bishop said something like we were on bible
study.
We were talking about that um,and that's pretty much what he
quoted too like it really is.
Um, I mean trying to repair abroken man.
Like you guys get through somany letters, even in broken
women, like try to repair abroken man.
Like you guys get through somany letters, even in broken
women, like try me repair abroken adult in general right,
so I think that Douglas wasreferring to humanity.
Yeah, you know, and I tellpeople like, even though we're

(01:03:30):
not responsible, how we wereraised right, I can't control
how I was raised.
I was a kid right, but.
I am.
I was a kid, right, but I havecontrol of how I raise myself
again, how I train myself, how Ibuild myself to be better than
what I feel was me being fumbledright Like I can't, you know,
have the excuse of this is all Iknow.
This is where I came from, ifI'm not even trying to pursue

(01:03:53):
better, you know.
So I think I'm loving thiswhole concept because now I have
a different perspective aboutreally what it takes to build
the family, build the communityand repair these homes.
It's really bringing back thestructure of family and even if
you're not in the same household, we're still family, right,
we're co-parenting, we're inthere for our child, so it's

(01:04:14):
still family.
And family extends beyond justthe household, right.

Speaker 2 (01:04:23):
It goes back to.
It has to yeah, right, wow, andas that happens, we will align
right.
We got to unite behind ourcommon value, right?
Whatever that may be, right.
What I think the low-hangingfruit is for most of us, our
skin color, right.
And then never mind the factthat we all come from a very
much cultural background, right?
So, just like everybody else,let's use that to our advantage

(01:04:44):
and then let's start workingtogether to make life better for
people who come from ourcultural background.
Yeah, right, like everybodyelse right.

Speaker 1 (01:04:53):
And then I think, also value valuing each culture,
though, like you know, becauseI think about like when, when,
when somebody hears, oh, we needto do this for our people, they
think that it's backwards,racism, right it's not, but it's
not.

Speaker 2 (01:05:07):
My love of my people is not a hate of other people.
Yeah, right, and I don'tmistake that that's.

Speaker 1 (01:05:12):
That's, that's the common mistake, and but
understanding the value thateach culture brings to each
other.

Speaker 2 (01:05:18):
Like I love going into Chinatown to get some stuff
, I just was there with my kidsa few weeks ago.

Speaker 1 (01:05:23):
You know what I mean.
I like because introducing ourchildren to other cultures is so
important because that's whatmakes the world go around
Absolutely, but understandingthat we have to build ourselves
because other cultures want tocome in and buy from us too we
have trade Absolutely.

Speaker 2 (01:05:39):
And that's the way to grow trade.
Yeah, but right now, what isour trade Right?
What does our people do?

Speaker 1 (01:05:44):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:05:45):
Right, and we got a lot of markets that we can own
and control tomorrow.
Really, if we got it together,if we all collectively start
working together and said, allright, we're going to
collectively own the black hairproduct industry, we will no
longer support any other brandsbut a, b, c and d.
And then now we move all of ourpreferred stock, like, we start

(01:06:05):
beginning to invest in thesecompanies, right, right.
And then we put out messagingthat we're going to use it.
Right, we one of the largestconsumers of our hair care
products, right.
Why is it that otherethnicities sell it to us?
That's backwards, right, right,that's low-hanging fruit.
You know how easy it is.
Just be like all right, I'mgonna support growing flow now

(01:06:25):
instead of uh, I don't knowcarol's daughter, right?
I don't even know, carol, thatmight be black owned though
that's a bad example.
Sorry, carol, sorry but you getthe concept, but we need to
start learning and controllingthe industry.

Speaker 1 (01:06:40):
There are some other things that are market as black
people and it's really hadnothing to do with black people.
So I get what you're saying,because when you go into some of
these hair products, hairstores then there's a lot of
things with black faces on thathas nothing to do with black
Right.
So educating yourself of what?
Actually is ours and supportwho's ours, because sometimes
we're supporting people that wethink that it's ours, but it's
not For sure.
I learned that quickly.

Speaker 2 (01:07:00):
Right.
And if we start doing that andthinking in terms of that on the
community, now we can startmaking decisions like all right,
we know Chester is zoned forindustrial, so now we
collectively work togetherbecause we want to begin to
position ourselves to take overthis hair care industry.
And now we, together, we got acouple companies.
We almost done.
We got a couple companies.
Now we support these companies.
We done made some return on ourinvestment.

(01:07:22):
Right now we can start sayinglike all right, let's build a, a
manufacturing warehouse here.
So now we got six or sevendifferent brands right, and now
we want to vertically integrate.
We don't, we don't just want toretail, we want to own the
manufacturing of it as well,right and we already set up and
if we already moving in thecollective, how hard would it be
to buy one of these low-costproperties just like everybody

(01:07:43):
else right fit it formanufacturing to do specifically
what we needed to do, right,and then now we vertically
integrate that business.
Now we on the next step right.
And then what could we do forthe next thing after that?
And it all starts with justworking together working
together right extending thefamily so that we can start
seeing what we have that canmake our communities run and

(01:08:05):
then control that, thatproduction, that gross domestic
product.
That's the real economics of itand it ain't even hard, we just
don't know it right and we justgotta support each other.

Speaker 1 (01:08:14):
Once we get the knowledge and understand that we
just gotta be able to supporteach other.

Speaker 2 (01:08:18):
Right, wow, wow, I'm excited.

Speaker 1 (01:08:20):
This conversation was .
This was hot.
We're going to have a part twobecause this was really good,
because it went beyond, like youknow, when I think about focus
on Father's Day and the monthfor fathers, the important role
of it, but you literally justbroke down the important role of
a father and what it looks likeand how it impacts the
household, the community,society, a whole, because it's

(01:08:42):
not just a one like, just justfor me and mine.
This is how do I raise children?
That that we now go extendbehind because we're all family,
right.
How do, how do we unite on onefront for the better so we can
better help each other?
Right.
And that that I didn't see thatcoming tonight.
I didn't see that conversationtonight.
I didn't see that conversationcoming.
I honestly did not.

(01:09:02):
I really was wow.
So again, I'm open to moreconversations like that because
I didn't think about it that dayand again, I think part of it
also is because I'm a woman, soI'm not thinking from the
perspective of a man and yourperspective of a man is to
provide, protect and to makethings happen, like the
structural thing.

(01:09:23):
So what you were talkingtonight was structural and then,
as as the women, our job is toyou know, to dress it up, to
make it together but thefoundation yeah the foundation
which you brought tonight wasjust amazing.
So I thank you so much because Ithink that I know it opened my
eyes and I know it opened otherpeople's eyes and just giving a
different perspective of therole of a father.

(01:09:45):
That is just not no minute roleno role it is such a powerful
and authoritative role, um wow,so I'm open.
So thank you so much for comingto the show.
It's been a great conversationyeah, and we're definitely gonna
have, uh, part two.
Thank you for helping me andtrying to release my daughter to
the marines can be okay withthat.
Uh, thank you guys for joiningparenting with a purpose.

(01:10:07):
I am your host, donna janelle.
Our guest here was drew andrewnelson and you.
I know you guys got a lot outof this because I got a lot, so
make sure you comment, share itwith people and, um, just keep
following parents of a purpose.
We're up to some good things,all right, thanks for joining in
.