Celebrating Fatherhood Inspiring Positive Change in Parenting

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What if you could transform your parenting style from a strict disciplinarian to a compassionate mentor? Join me, Donna Janel, and my guest, Ceez, a dedicated single father, as we unravel our journeys through parenthood, particularly focusing on the African-American community. With Father’s Day on the horizon, I share my own experiences of raising children and nieces without their fathers, and how the absence of a father figure posed unique challenges. Ceez, reveals his evolution from a tough, rule-enforcing dad to a nurturing, emotionally supportive parent, emphasizing the importance of recognizing and appreciating the efforts of single fathers.

Reflecting on the lessons imparted by our fathers, we discuss how old-school values and discipline have shaped us into who we are today. These values not only instilled a sense of responsibility but also inspired a commitment to mentoring youth in our communities. Personal anecdotes shed light on the powerful bond with our fathers, who showed love through actions rather than words, and how these early experiences have driven us to become positive role models in a time of rising community violence.

We also address the crucial role of both parents in a child's holistic development. Whether co-parenting through incarceration or combating the challenges posed by single parenting, the need for balanced and effective communication is paramount. Discover how traditional values can be integrated with modern, compassionate approaches to foster a well-rounded upbringing for our children. Join us as we celebrate fatherhood and continue our mission to restore the responsibility, nobility, and beauty in parenting.

Parents are the Bows and Children are the Arrows they will land wherever we aim them eventually!

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:52):
so We'll be you next time.

(02:07):
You, hey, everybody, welcomeback to Parents with a Purpose.
I am the one and only DonnaJanelle, where you know we
strive to bring back theresponsibility, nobility and
beauty back into parenting, asyou know, as I always say,
parents are the bowls and ourchildren are arrows, and they
will land wherever we send themright, wherever we aim them.
It may not be today, newsflash,it may not be tomorrow, it may
not be in the next.
Send them right Wherever we aimthem May not be today,
newsflash, it may not betomorrow, it may not be in the
next five years, right, buteventually they will land where

(02:29):
we aim them, as long as we closethem, as long as we're not
sending them out in the worldnaked, as long as we're giving
them tools and techniques tomake sure that they, and
strategies of how to survivethis world.
Because parents are the firstleaders, the guiders, every.
Parents are everything.
Because what goes on in thehousehold?
It prepares your children toenter the real world right.
So that's what we do at parentswith a purpose.

(02:51):
As you know, this month isfather's day.
Father's day is coming up onthe 23rd, I believe, and the
whole month of June, though isdedicated to fathers it's 16th
year.

Speaker 2 (03:01):
The 23rd is my twins birthday.
Yo yo crap.
Father's Day is this.

Speaker 1 (03:04):
Sunday.
Yes, yo crap.
Father's Day is this Sundayy'all.
Wow, oh man.
Oh man, the presents is comingin A little bit later.
I don't know how I missed that.
I know how I missed thatBecause a lot of stuff Going on
in my life.
Father's Day is this Sunday,but the month of June, father,

(03:25):
the father role, so this week Ihave a guest y'all and guess
what His C's is in the house.

Speaker 2 (03:30):
What's going on everybody?

Speaker 1 (03:32):
And we're talking about pretty much all things
father, right, all things dad.
So we're going to dig and diveinto the importance of it, the
responsibility, the challengesof fatherhood, because we know
that that faces a lot ofchallenges, particularly in the
african-american community.
I want to kind of dig into thatum and see what's going on and
the thoughts in that um, whyfathers do certain things, or
the struggles and things thatthey're dealing with.

(03:52):
So that's what we're going totalk about tonight, where it's
an open conversation aboutfathers, right?
Y'all know that this topic isdear to my heart, as I explained
last week about the sensitivityof having a father and a father
not being around and nowraising children with their dads
not around.
You know I'm divorced, so thatmy kids you know they, my son
sees his dad, but then I alsohave my nieces right, who father

(04:14):
had passed away, and my sisterpassed away.
So I'm raising kids right, asingle mom out here trying to
really be the best person forthem but not be a father to them
, right?
So how do I help them navigatein the world without having an
active father in their life?
We're gonna talk about thistonight.
I got a couple questions forseeds, because you know he's the
dad, he's the man out here anduh, and I don't want to take
that man role.
I don't care how many times youslice it, I'm a mom, I'm not a

(04:37):
father.
Again, father's day is the 16thcoming up, so please don't tell
me happy father's day y'all.
Please don't tell me HappyFather's Day y'all.

Speaker 2 (04:43):
Please don't do it All right.
I'm glad you're not one of them, thank you.
Thank you for having me.
You know I see a lot of womenwho are single mothers.
You know, take on that Happy.
Wish me a Happy Father's Day.
And you know I have nothingagainst single mothers.
You know, at one point in timeI was a single father before I
met my fiance, and so Iunderstand the struggle of being

(05:03):
a single parent and I could notreplace their mother, no matter
how hard I tried.
Right One thing it did for meas a father, though it made me a
different type of father,because before that I was a real
stern, disciplined old school.
So being a single father itmade me have to be more
compassionate, have more of asofter side to raising my
youngest son at the time, who isnow 11.

(05:24):
And I've been with my fiancefor about eight years now, so
she came in when he was three,but those first three years it
was.
It was really tough yeah, itain't no joke, right, absolutely
shout out to all the singleparents doing it, holding it
down, man, you know, yeah I hada couple single fathers on here,
uh, last year, um, I think Ihad three single fathers.

Speaker 1 (05:43):
They was out here in the community raising their kids
, doing the best they can, andthey were on here explaining
stuff, and I think we don't givesingle fathers enough props,
like we don't get fathers ingeneral enough parts, honestly,
that part being a single mom,like I know, you know the ins
and outs, what it takes, but atthe same time, like there are
fathers who are who the fatherrole was so important absolutely

(06:05):
, especially if you got sons.
You know I'm a father of sixsons six, six sons I uh Like
there are fathers who are whothe father role was so important
, absolutely, especially if yougot sons.

Speaker 2 (06:11):
You know I'm a father of six sons, six, six sons
George, george and George Nah,my oldest, the oldest son I take
care of, is my actually mystepson I met.
I took care of him since he wasthree months.
When I first got my oldestson's mom, he was three months
and she ended up gettingpregnant pregnant and he was the
first person to call me dad.
Wow.
So you know we still had hisbody, even though he's in north
carolina.
You know we, we stay in touchdaily.
You know he talks to me, sendsme updates and, uh, I'm trying

(06:33):
to get him up here for thesummer.
But, um, and then I have fourbiological and then my fiance
has a 13 year old son, you know,and wow, you got any girls in
the mix nope, all boys wow sixsons, all boys, you know, and uh
, it's kind of kind of what ledme into doing the work that I do
.
For those that don't know, I'man intervention specialist with
the making a change group and Ialso the case manager for our

(06:55):
school based program.
So you know, uh, besides mybrother losing my brother to gun
violence, you know, I just knowthe impact of having my father
growing up.
You know my father took me whenI was 13, didn't take me from
my mom, but you know he movedover to the east side closer to
my mom, and soon as he did thatmy mom went to delaware.
You know, the whole, my dadwhole purpose was to move close.

(07:17):
So you know, we could have thatbond and I could have two homes
to go back and forth to andsome unforeseen circumstances,
my mom had to reroute and go toDelaware.
So, but it ended up being ablessing because I ended up
going to school down there.
Uh, so, but I just know theimpact of having my father, even
though I made some baddecisions and, you know, still
fell victim to the streets, butI didn't go as deep in as most

(07:37):
people, probably because I knewI had that father at home.
You know, when I did certainstuff I always knew.
You know, if I get caught doingthis, my dad's going to kick my
A double crooked letter Right.
You know what I'm saying so,having that not necessarily fear
, but that respect for my fatherRight, yeah, it kept me from
doing certain things, like whenit came to hurting people I was
always about a dollar, so I wasa hustler, but I was never a

(07:58):
violent individual, like I neverfelt the need to hurt one of my
brothers, which is kind of whywhen I transitioned to do this
work, it was kind of not easyfor me, but it was like it's
easy for me to show another guylove.
You know, because I've had thatfrom my father and what I kind
of see is that you know guys who, raised up in this environment,
who don't have a father, theydon't necessarily know how to
show another man love withoutthinking it's gay or feeling

(08:21):
uncomfortable with theirsexuality.
You know, it's nothing for meto tell my brother I love him
and mean him and be comfortablebecause I don't love you in a
form as though where I want totouch you physically.
I love you to this point whereI would never harm you if I'm
there for you if you needsomething Right.
So that's one of the things Ithink is most important about
what I do and you know where Icome from and why I do what I do
.

Speaker 1 (08:40):
You think that portion of loving your brother
comes from the love that yourfather had given you.
Absolutely Like he wasn't justtalking the talk, he walked the
walk.

Speaker 2 (08:51):
Yeah, you know it's crazy, because I don't really
remember having my dad tellingme he loved me too much growing
up.
Okay, but I felt it.
Oh, talk about that.
It's like my dad was real oldschool.
Shout out to my dad, he's stillaround, he's 77 this August,
you know.
So God bless him.
And just you know, like I said,he made sure I had clothes on

(09:11):
my bag.
He made sure.
I never wanted for anything youknow.
And when I did wrong, he tookthose things from me.

Speaker 1 (09:18):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (09:18):
My biggest thing.
You know I always got introuble in school in around
December, which is my birthdaytime.
You know I always got introuble in school in around
December, which is my birthdaytime, you know, which was hard
because my birthday is a weekbefore Christmas.
So a lot of it took me until Iwas in like the eighth grade to
realize like yo, dude, you gotto stop messing up, yeah, or
like I messed up every December.
You know, parties was takenaway, gifts will be returned

(09:40):
Well, that's what he would tellme, but he would put them in a
tuck.
You know, until I straightenedup, you know so, or just so
Christmas time, I'm not going tohave a bad Christmas, but this
is what I need from you.
If I give you these things,they will be taken again.
So, just having that, excuse methat, that, that ear, that voice
of somebody who looked like me.
You know, I'm saying I justlook like me because he's my

(10:01):
father, but look like me as ablack man in the community.
And my dad was alwayssuccessful.
When I say successful, I don'tmean like rich, you know.
He went to the Navy, hetraveled the world, he worked
since he was 11.
He lost his father at a youngage, so my dad grew up without a
father.
Oh wow, which is kind ofprobably why he made.
I got five brothers, I got fivesisters, so I'm the youngest of

(10:25):
ten.
Okay, you know, what I'm sayingand it's split up some step.
But our family is our family,blood or not, you know what I'm
saying.
That's kind of why it's so easyfor me to take on the role of
being a father to other people'schildren.

Speaker 1 (10:39):
You know what.

Speaker 2 (10:40):
I'm saying yeah, as far as ladies that I've been
involved with, because I'vewatched my dad do it.
Before my brother Travis passed, I watched him do it and I'm
saying so it's just like.
It's just something that's beeninstilled for me since a young
age like no matter, family isloyalty.
Well it makes you related.

Speaker 1 (10:56):
I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (10:57):
That's something I live by.
So that loyalty that we had,that bond we had, like if, like,
you're gonna listen to me andtake on the knowledge that I'm
going to give to you, then I'mgoing to continue to pour into
you, right, and I do the samething with my mentees.
Like you know, I don't considerthem my kids, but we have a
uncle, big brother relationshipwhere some of them, where some

(11:17):
of them come and you know, theyjust come and talk to me and
tell me things that theyprobably wouldn't tell their mom
.

Speaker 1 (11:22):
Right, what made you?
You know, I hear so much aboutpretty much what was instilled
to you like structure anddiscipline, and that's why you
know when I tell people thatparents are the bows and our
children are arrows and theywill land where we aid them
eventually, this is a primeexample of that.
Your dad was a bow and he waspulling.
You know when you talk aboutthings that he pulled stuff away
because you know as a bow andhe was pulling.

(11:43):
You know when you talk aboutthings that he pulled stuff away
because you know as a bow andarrow, you got to pull that back
absolutely there's certainthings that he pulled back from
you so that you could learn andgrow and understand the value of
things, right.
So what made you, um be able tolike what?
What's your thought patternabout coming into the mentoring
group or mentoring kids on thestreet?
Like what did you see?

(12:03):
That was a lot that you figureout.
You need to step in, likesomething, something's off here
or something.

Speaker 2 (12:11):
Just just the violence, you know.
And when I say violence, youknow just all the shooting and
the nonsense that has beenbrewing in our community within
the last four or five years.
You know, and what really hitit for me was when I started
seeing athletes die at a youngage.
You know kids that don't evenhave a chance to live, like my

(12:32):
little cousin stone, not keys.
You know a few other.
I mean I don't really want toget the name of names, but you
know, just to see those youngbrothers continue or to see this
pattern continue amongst ouryoung people, you know, and I
felt like I had a, so why notuse it for something positive?
You know I reached out toactually Uncle P, you know, when

(12:54):
I first got into Mindsetbecause my original thing was to
start like a big brotherprogram.

Speaker 1 (12:59):
Right, okay.

Speaker 2 (13:00):
And some things had happened.
I got in some trouble with thelaw because, you know, I was
still hustling at the time.
So they raided my crib and Iguess that was their way of
trying to show the community anddeter me from, you know, keep
fighting this fight when allthey really did was give me a
clean slate, right?
So give me a chance to actually, you know, come home and do
what I'm doing and actually walkit now instead of just talking,

(13:23):
right?
Yeah doing and actually walk itnow instead of just talking.
Right, yeah, and uh, you know,brothers like pierre, uh, cory,
uh miss carol kazim, and justpeople like that, you know they
were all in my corner and youknow they, they, they was like
yo, you important bro, you gotto continue this fight, you know
, because I was the terror.
You know, uncle p used to comesee me out the county and we had
conversations all the time andhe was like what are you doing

(13:43):
with your time to build yourself?
And my main thing was just notbeing taken away from my kids
again.
You know, because, yes, I had awoman at home who was a mother
figure, but at the end of theday we wasn't married, so it
wasn't really her obligation.
Granted, she's a great woman.
She did everything that a wifewould do, which is why we're in
the process of getting marriedeverything, by that you know,

(14:05):
that a wife would do, which iswhy we're in the process of
getting married.
But, you know, just, a fear ofwhat if she was like this is too
much.
You feel me and just walk awaybecause I'm all my kids have.
Their mothers aren't dead.
No, but one son mother is innorth carolina, and others I
don't know where she is.
Don't really want to get intothat, but you know, it's just
like I had to be that there I'm,that mother and that father in
my head.
Right, I'm saying until, like Isaid, she, until, like I said,

(14:27):
we had the conversation and shewas like I'm with you, I'm here
with you, I know you a package,you feel me so?
That that that right there justdrove me and gave me the
backbone and support I need tocome out here and help other
people's children, because I hadto make sure mine was good
first what?

Speaker 1 (14:42):
what do you?
What, in your own words, inyour own thought, like what?
What's the, the portions of afather?
What is the importance offathers being in their
children's and in the familysetting?

Speaker 2 (14:53):
um, I'm a firm believer that, uh, only men can
raise men.
You know, I've seen singlemothers raise great men, you
know.
So it can be done, but it'smore valuable and it's more
sustainable when a guy isteaching a guy to be a man.
You know, what I'm saying.

(15:13):
I watch my father get up and goto work every day and it's
still the same thing in me andI'm trying to instill the same
in my boys.
So it's just having thatcomfortability with somebody
that looks like you, who knowingwhere you come from.
You know what I'm saying.
A lot of these guys don't knowwhere they come from because
they don't know who their fatheris Right, so they don't know.
They know their mom's side ofthe family, they know where

(15:35):
their mom comes from and youknow the historical DNA buildup,
as opposed to the father's side, where you know.
You may not necessarily knowyour father, you may know some
of the family, but you don'tknow where your father comes
from and what type of man youknow you come from because you
don't see that every day.
You know, and why I say that'sbig?
Because even though I wasripping and running, I always

(15:57):
knew my father had a good heart.
I watched my father help otherkids.
You know what I'm saying, eventhough I was still a kid myself,
you know, and as I got becameinto my manhood, that's why I
wanted to do what I wanted to do, because I've seen my dad help
I.
It was this one guy.
His name was, uh, derrick.
He was in the big brotherprogram.
He was my dad's little brother,you know, and we used to, you

(16:18):
know, interact all the time.
You know, my dad kind of feltlike it was a competition at one
point between me and him andI'm like nah.
I love Derek.
He's teaching me things that Ididn't know because I wasn't
necessarily great at basketball.
He was nice at basketball andfurther down the line I ran into
Derek one day.
Man, he asked me he said howyour dad doing.
I said he's doing good, he saidman tell your dad, I appreciate

(16:39):
him.

Speaker 1 (16:40):
And this is 10, 15 years.

Speaker 2 (16:42):
he hasn't seen my dad , but he still thinks and hears
some of the conversations thatmy dad had with him and I want
that impact, you know, insomebody's life besides my own
children.

Speaker 1 (16:52):
Right Now I'm going to pick it back up a little bit.
You said that women can't raisemen.
I don't think that is that theycan't raise them.
We're not fathers, we're notsubstitute for a father period.
We do the best that we can.
But what do you think thesignificance like?
There's a difference, like aswe're raising children, right,
you know, there's the motherrole, there's the father role.

(17:13):
There's certain things that amother can teach a child, male
and female, and there's certainthings that a father will teach
a child, male and female.
So what do you think thedifference is?
I can tell you a bunch of.
But what do you think as a roleof a father, if you think about
it, because you yourself was asingle father, what do you think
the significance role of afather is?
What differs them from a mother?

(17:41):
I'll tell you one thing rightnow, let me tell you what my son
did.
He was younger now.
I was married and my, myex-husband, left.
I think my son was like three.
I was married for like those 12years prior to that and as my
son started getting older, youknow, he was going to his dad
every other weekend and he wasmedically complex, so he had
like a lot of medical issues, sohe always only wanted to be

(18:01):
around me.
He would go to his dad everyother weekend, but this
particular time, right, I'm amom, I'm pediatric nurse, so I
know a lot of stuff, but somestuff I'm just not willing to go
into with my son.
So I think he was about eightor nine and he came.
He was like mom, you know, hisarea was always hard, or when he
wakes up, right, he you know,and I'm trying to explain to him

(18:22):
the best way, but I can'texplain to him because I don't
have that feeling like I can'treally.
I can tell you what thetextbook said.

Speaker 2 (18:29):
I can tell you right right what I know, but it's
different than what youexperience.

Speaker 1 (18:33):
It you know like I'm like son and he my son, tells me
everything.
So some stuff I got a youtube,some stuff, I got looking a book
for some stuff, just because Imean he, he goes to, he was
going to his dad, but his dadwas a very quiet guy and he
really wasn't.
You know how you can have afather that's there but not
there.

Speaker 2 (18:51):
Right, absolutely.

Speaker 1 (18:52):
So that's when I started realizing wait, flag on
the plate.
This ain't for me Like I can'ttell my son how his body is
supposed to feel when I'm not aman at all.
so that's when the reality checkto me is like all right, being
a single mom is not a flex it isnot one of those things, it's
not a flex, but I started to tryto get different men in his

(19:14):
life, to try to mentor him,because I I just wasn't ready
for those conversations with mydaughters.
You know, moms we talk to girlsabout their periods and stuff
like that, right, right, andthat's a conversation.

Speaker 2 (19:23):
I'm glad I ain't got to go through.

Speaker 1 (19:25):
You know what I mean.
Yeah, but like when you tellyour son like you're supposed to
feel this way, he's like yo, ithurt every morning.
I'm like I don't have to tellyou.

Speaker 2 (19:34):
And that's definitely one that's definitely probably
the biggest differential isgoing through puberty and
teaching them how to take careof themselves, the hygiene,
properly washing those manlyareas.

Speaker 1 (19:49):
And.

Speaker 2 (19:49):
I haven't got there yet, but my son just got his
first girlfriend, so I'm goingto have to have that
conversation about how to treata lady, how to properly, and I
try to show him every day youknow, about just how I treat my
fiance, but just and I'm noteven honestly ready for that
conversation because you know myson, he's 13 and I still see

(20:10):
little Kavari.
You know what I'm saying andit's just, it's happening so
fast, man, so fast, and I try tolearn with each, each, each
child, each interaction.
I try to.
You know, what did I do wrong?
How could I do this better?
But um, it's, it's really nodifference, other than just, you
know, probably, thoseconversations and being more

(20:30):
comfortable with having toexplain those growing pains and
growing pains of life, you know,and just being there to give
your son or daughter, you know,relationship advice from a male
perspective, because, a fatherto young ladies, you want your
daughter and you can tell methis is true or not.
Most women look for a man thatwas either like their father or

(20:54):
their father figure.
You know what I'm saying so as aman men who have daughters, man
, you know, know you gotta watchhow you treat your lady or the
mother of your child, becausethat that your daughter will
grow up looking for that type ofperson that you lay the
foundation for.
So if you gonna be a nut assexcuse my language, I'm sorry.
I don't know if you're gonna bea nut.
You know I'm saying that yourdaughter is going to end up with

(21:16):
a nut.
You feel me that karma is goingto come back, you know.
So just yeah gotta be carefulwhat we do in front of our kids.
Even, even, even.
Uh, when you got boys, you knowif, if you beat on their mom,
you know I mean then nine timesout of ten, your son's gonna
grow up and be a woman beater yo, it's crazy how that, how the
mind, works, right.

Speaker 1 (21:33):
because when?
So a lot of times, if you don'thave this either mother or
father in your life, things, twothings happen.
Either one, you're going to bethe best mother and father in
the world, or you're going to bethe worst mother and father in
the world.
Like it's crazy how you know,either you emulate what you see
or you become better, right.
And that's the same thing about, like, even when you're dating,

(21:54):
like if, if a father treatedtheir mother a particular way,
either the boy is going to treata woman that way or they're
going to treat them the totallyopposite, and then they get
walked on.
So it's like it's crazy becausedomestic violence works in both
ways, right.
Yes it does.
So if you see domestic violence, you're more than likely to
also do that, or you're notgoing to do it and then you

(22:15):
become a victim of it becauseyou don't have that balance
Absolutely.
So that's with male and female.
So girls, like you know, Ididn't grow up with my dad and I
was a daddy's girl, you know,until he left and I started
realizing, like the pattern ofmen that I was choosing and I
was like, is it?
I had daddy issues straight up.
I had daddy issues straight up.

(22:36):
It's because the daddy issues,when I look back on it, I was
looking for somebody who wasn'texactly like my dad but had some
of his traits Right.
So sometimes you go like way onthe other side of the spectrum
just to try to either get awayfrom the hurt and pain or try to
, or you're so comfortable withthe hurt and pain that you
choose the same thing Right.
So that's the same thing withmen and women.

(22:56):
I think that one of the thingsthat I see definitely as a
single mom is that with my sonwe're even our daughters, we're
so much I think we're softer forour you know our children
because you know we birthed themin our heart is just, but as a
man, like, the structure isdifferent, the discipline is
different and the respect isdifferent.
Like they honor I.
I watched it with my own eyes.

(23:17):
My son worships me, he loves me, but at the same time a male
says something, he moves.
I watched a TikTok the otherday and it was like five
different.
It was a complication and itwas five different kids like
from like six months to probablythree years old, and the mom
would tell them something to doand they wouldn't move.

(23:38):
The mom had to tell him likefive or ten times, right, but as
soon as the dad walks in theroom, he didn't have to yell, he
didn't have to scream oranything, he just was like.
Then your mom tell you, go tobed.
And then, boom, they go to bed.

Speaker 2 (23:49):
Just that presence of a man alone changes the
trajectory of our children'slives absolutely, I completely
agree, and that's that's what Igrew up like when I first first
started as a father.
That was, that was that was allI thought my role was supposed
to be, was a disciplinary.
You know what?
I'm saying I'm like, all right,mom got the, the, the other
stuff, but when they out of line, that's when dad got say

(24:12):
something.
You know, when I was originallya quiet dad, so I became a
single dad you know and I wentdown.
Now that don't work because thatvoid that they was looking for
I had to try to fill that and mypersonality at the time wasn't
cut for that.
You know what I'm saying Iwasn't cut to be a.
You know, I would tell my kidsall the time stuff like oh, stop

(24:33):
acting soft, or you know, I'mnot babying you, and stuff like
that, and you know.
And in all actuality, who elsewas they going to get it from?

Speaker 1 (24:42):
Right.

Speaker 2 (24:43):
So I had to tap into my own emotions and tap into my
own self-awareness to realizeI'm doing more damage than good
to my own children by trying tojust stick into this
disciplinary role.
Be this tough guy.
In all actuality, I ain't nosuper tough guy.
Even in the streets I role.
Be this tough guy, you know, inall actuality, like I ain't.

(25:04):
No, I ain't no super tough guy.
Even in the streets I wasn't nosuper tough guy.
You know what I'm saying.
I moved different, but I'vealways had a heart.
I've always had compassion forpeople.

Speaker 1 (25:09):
And I think you know from back in the day, like the
role of a father has always beenthe provider, security and
protector, right.
So these are like strong rolesand I think that they had just
passed down generation ongeneration and we think that
that's how it's supposed to be.
Like men, the mother role wasto be the emotional person, they
and all that, the compassionstuff.
But our actuality sticks toshow that men who show men love,

(25:32):
uh, men begin to love more.
Like the emotional piece, likeI think sometimes you know, I
put food in your mouth, closingyour back and you got a house to
live in, like that's, don't goon those days.
That's like that back in theday stuff or whatever.
Like what about the emotionalpiece?
What about the mental piece ofit?

Speaker 2 (25:52):
see, I was raised, like I said, my dad's 70, 70,
about to be 77, you know.
So when I was born he wasalready in his mid-30s to be, 30
, we 31 years apart.
So I'm 37.
I'll be 37 this year.
No, we 30 years apart.
Because I'll be 37 this year.
He'll be 77.
Damn, we 40 years apart.
So imagine, when I was born, hewas already 40 right so by the

(26:13):
time I'm 16, he's 56.
You know, he's like people usedto always be, like yo, your
grandpa, your grandpa, like nahnigga that's my dad and my dad
don't play.
So you know I had I ended up.
You know I was a sneaky child.
Most kids are sneaky.
I'm not gonna say all childrenare sneaky, but you know I I
wanted to.
You know I wanted to be hangingwith my friends.
You know I wanted to do whatthey was doing, even though I

(26:35):
knew it was wrong.
I'm like, well, if I don't getcaught I ain't gonna get in
trouble, you know.
And just having that, thatpresence man, you know it, it,
it instilled a lot in me that Itry to instill in my kids.
I still try to.
You know, take some of the his,his upbringing that he put in me
, and then I try to flip it.
I think about all right, whydid I?
Why did I stray away from therole that he had?

(26:56):
Paid for me?
What was it that attracted me?
Or what was that the lack of?
Because I don't think I lackedfor anything.
I said he got me everything andI really think that I really
lacked.
Was that physical love?
You know what I'm sayingBecause I had brothers, but the
gap between my brothers was soold, was so big, they were so
much older than me.

Speaker 1 (27:15):
Right, it was like I was the only child.

Speaker 2 (27:17):
Okay, so I was looking for that brotherhood as
opposed to you.
Know, I got a great father, butI need somebody to hang with.
I need somebody to check inwith somebody to chill with you
know, makes sense, and that'swhere I started falling into the
wrong crowds, you know, andit's just as a father, you know,
we want to be hard on our kids,we want to be hard on our kids,

(27:39):
we want to be tough, but yougot to find that balance and
that's something I'm stillworking on right now.
I'm trying to find that balanceto where, as though, I can be my
kids buddy, because I don'twant to be friends with you yeah
we could.
I want you to have arelationship with me though,
where you can come and talk tome you know, what I'm saying and
that's something that I'mworking on right now with my
older kids.
So by the time my twins get fiveand six, I know how to approach

(28:01):
that at an earlier age, asopposed to waiting until they
almost you know mentally well.
They're not mentally developed,but you know what I'm saying.
They're older.

Speaker 1 (28:08):
Right.

Speaker 2 (28:09):
At 13, 14, they start finding out who they are,
trying to figure out what they,what they, what clicks they with
.
And I tell my son all the timeyou know a lot of those kids
that you're conversating with.
They not your friend,absolutely.
You know, I work at my son'sschool, so it's oh man, yeah.
And you know, when I firststarted, you know kids used to

(28:30):
welcome your son doing this,your son doing that, and I had
to come to the realization theyjust want to see me embarrass
him because of the way I react?
I didn't.
I wasn't reacting like afaculty or staff member.
I'm reacting like a father, andI'm not here in that capacity.
I'm here as a mentor to theentire school, so I would have
to treat him the same way Itreated my other students until

(28:53):
we got home and I had to learnto stop chastising my son in
front of his peers because theydid it, for they got an
enjoyment out of it.
You know.
It was to the point where theywanted to see him embarrassed,
or right.
Oh yeah, your dad, choose youout the whole way but at the
same time I turn around I chooseyou out the same way, young boy

(29:15):
.
Yeah, I may not, but thedifference is, and I would never
do it in the school building.
This is my son.
He go home with me.
I will whoop his A doublecrooked letter.
I say but you, you can get awaywith more, because there's
nothing I can physically doother than verbally correcting
you.
There's nothing that I can do.
And a lot of these young boysthey're not scared of that.

Speaker 1 (29:36):
They don't care.

Speaker 2 (29:37):
They talk to you, like you, one of their peers,
like I done been called a dick.
Excuse my language, I'm goingto tell y'all what it is.
I've been called a dickhead.
They done told me to suck theirdick.
And these is middle school kids, whoa.
And I'm looking at y'all likeyo do y'all talk like this in
front of y'all, mom, like whereyour parents at, oh, my mom did
this, but the thing I neverheard was my dad, my dad, those

(30:00):
kids that did have a dad youcould tell, because when you say
I'm calling home, the fear ofGod light up in their face.
Now some mothers.
It was like that too, but itgoes back to that.
You know what type of motherare you.
Are you a mother?
that's friends with your child.
You know, are you one of them?
Mothers that really, reallydiscipline it's kind of hard to
like.
You got to start now.

(30:20):
Y'all like any single parent,co-co-parents, whatever get on
the same page when it comes todisciplining these kids, because
right now in our community, thebiggest issue we have is these
kids that's not being supervisedat night, which is why they
just installed this curfew rightyou know, as somebody who works
with the youth in the communityI know this is a little off

(30:41):
topic- no, it's all relativethough.
You know, we got to get controlof our youth flat out.
Like you know, we got to bringthe village aspect back to where
it's at, because if I tellpeople all the time you see my
son.
First of all, my son's going togo outside.
I'm afraid I'm going to lose mykids, but my son's getting to
that age he's a teenager now.

(31:02):
It's going to be like I'm goingto have to let him go
Absolutely.
I got to let him go and let himwalk with God.
I'm a religious person so I gotto trust that God's going to
protect him.

Speaker 1 (31:15):
And it's a scary thing.
It's fear.
Like you know, I talk aboutthis all the time.
It's like parenting out of fearand it's a real thing.
Like you know, you're scaredthat your kids won't come back
in a body bag, like you don't.
You know, even though you pourso much into your children.
But it's the world around wherethey live and and you don't
know what's going on.
And that's why you got to trustgod with everything, because

(31:38):
you just don't know.
And I think sometimes, asparents, because we parent a
fear, we restrict our kids.
They live a restrictivelifestyle because we are afraid
to let them go outside andinstead of teaching them how to
go outside, right, what to donow, it may not, you know, rare
all the results that we wantedto, or whatever, because you
know, rear all the results thatwe wanted to, or whatever,
because kids, teenagers, minds,change everything.

(31:59):
But at least that they have thefoundation.
Like you know, we talked abouta lot you just talked about
earlier.
Like kids are out becausethey're not being supervised.
A lot of times what we see nowwith this generation is parents
are trying to really be theirfriend.
Like I'm not your friend, I hada conversation.
I'm not your friend, becausethat line of respect will change
.
Like you're going to talk toyour friend a particular way,
you're going to respond to yourfriend a particular way, but I

(32:20):
am your guardian, I'm yourparent, I am to lead, teach and
guide you.
So that that part right there.
So a lot of times, parents willtry to be their kid's friend,
or parents are out here livingwhat they call their best life
and forget about their children.
So like the kids are being home, not their children.
So like the kids are being home, not being supervised on the
street, because the parent canbe in a club, the parent can be
at their parents' friend's houseor the other flip side of that.

(32:44):
If you're a single parent, youmay be working two to three jobs
, right?
So it's like how do we helpparents?
My biggest thing is likehelping parents because parents
need a village too, right,absolutely.
So every time somethinghappened with our youth, the
first thing that you see waswhere are the parents?
And then the secondconversation is where was the

(33:05):
dad?
Like that's always.
It's like one is the parentsissue.
Secondly, it's because thedad's not in a home.
This is what you hear all thetime.
So it's like how do we getparents to understand, or how do
we give the parents the toolsto be able to parent their
children properly, to be able tohave the proper resources that

(33:26):
you know?
Yes, I may have to work atnight, so how do I make sure
that my child is okay at home atnight or with somebody
responsible?

Speaker 2 (33:29):
they're not gonna let them run the street, I mean,
and that comes to.
You know they gotta want thehelp.
You know a lot of people.
You know they don't want toswallow their pride.
I don't need no help, I got it.
These are my kids.
You know what I'm saying?
It ain't a flex.
Just because you need helpdon't make you a bad person To
me.
It actually makes you a betterperson because you're not afraid

(33:49):
to say I can't do this alone.
You know what I'm saying.
If that was the case, then kidswouldn't need two parents.

Speaker 1 (33:57):
Exactly Parents would be, you know everybody would be
an individual parent.

Speaker 2 (34:00):
So, you know, yes, salute to all my strong single
parents.
I salute y'all, I commend y'all, I've been y'all.
But everybody needs help,everybody.
Even if you feel like you gotit all together and some of
y'all do, I see it, you feel meand, like I said, that's great,

(34:22):
but it's still places or timesare going to come where you're
going to need that support.
You know what I'm saying.
It may not be right now, youknow what I'm saying, but I
don't want to guarantee it.

Speaker 1 (34:31):
But I'm just saying, as a parent, no, I will
guarantee you that you need aman in your life, your child's
life.
You need a father figure or amentor, because every stage of
growth and development needs aman there period.
So I guarantee you, if that'snot there, there's going to be
problems and it's not.
These are the statistics andI'm living it my own self.

(34:53):
Like I'm a great mom Again,I've done everything I could for
my son, but at the same time,we cannot replace a father.
We cannot, no matter how muchwe give our child, because then
we end up giving them too muchbecause they lack a father.
Like, no matter how much wepour into our children, you can
never replace the opposite sexPeriod.
A single dad cannot replace thesame like the mom, Like you

(35:16):
just can't do it because ourroles are different and they're
significant.
So there is a lack.
When one parent is not doingtheir part, there is a complete
lack.
And the question is how do weas a community, as a society,
help parents understand thatit's not a flex right?

(35:37):
So how do we get people tounderstand Like you need help?
I had a pride issue in thebeginning when my whole thing
was when my ex-husband left andhis mom was like, oh, you ain't
going to be able to do itwithout him, and this, that and
the other, like even though Iwas in the same house and pretty
much doing it all myself.
But I was pushing so hard to bethe best mother I could possibly
be right with two kids and Iwas just doing everything

(36:00):
getting burned out.
And then, when my sister andher husband passed away, I got
two of their kids Right.
So now I'm a single mom of fourkids and my whole stride was to
be the best mother I can begiving them stuff that they
don't have Now that I don't havethese father figures in the
house.
And when I tell you like Iliterally killed myself trying

(36:20):
to do that burnt out because youcannot replace the other parent
, no matter how you slice it, Itried it and it's.
It is uncomfortable and it'snot effective and it's a
disservice to our children if wesit around and we think that we
don't need the other parent.

Speaker 2 (36:30):
It is a disservice and we gotta stop carrying
personal issues in likeparenthood.
You know what I'm saying,because sometimes a parent not a
father not around, not becausehe don't want to be, but it's
because the mom don't like and Idon't like.
I said, situation scenariosvary but you know, I've seen

(36:52):
great fathers ripped out oftheir kids life because of a
bitter female or because the dadgot a new woman or you know
just some of the goofiest stuffaround.
So you know, and and the majorthing that they, you know, say
is that the men don't want to bearound.
That's not necessarily true,you know.
Sometimes it's the woman makeit look like they don't want
that, they don't want the manaround, but they won't say that

(37:13):
because it makes them look crazyright so they'll say, oh yeah,
he don't want.
he don't want nothing to do withmy son the whole time you got
this guy blocked.

Speaker 1 (37:20):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (37:21):
He blocked on your phone social media, like he has
no way to get in touch with hischild.
And you know kids can grow upand resent people for like that
because you know eventually kidsget old enough to find out the
truth.

Speaker 1 (37:33):
Man, that's the.
You know you hit that on amoney seat.
I've coached parents right andI be trying to tell them like
listen, first of all I don'tcare about child support, like,
honestly, child support, likeyou need to be able to support
your kids, but that should notbe.
If you don't give me childsupport, you cannot see your
child.
And I've talked to men who thereason why their relationship is

(37:59):
so strange is because themother has blocked that because,
because, oh, you ain't payingfor it.
Well, first of all I didn't knowit was a pawn.
Like I'm so confused likewhat's going?
We playing chess, like what'sgoing on, um, or the female is
bitter, or you know a nine timesout of ten is because that
relationship didn't work out.
And then what happens is theysee their child and they see the
father and their child right,so then they start treating
their child different.
It's like so much that comeswith it.
But a lot of times, though, theissue is it comes down to a

(38:22):
financial issue.
You know, uh, being frustratedthat you got to support this kid
on your own, but at the sametime, not looking holistically
at how, what it is to raisechildren, like that emotional
piece, that mental piece, thatlove and that guidance still is
needed.
And I always urge women, youknow, single mind like, stop
doing that.
Listen, if the man don't pay,he don't pay.

(38:43):
Like, at the end of the day,I'm not going to go off on that,
even if you're struggling,though, but I feel like it's so
much more important for thatrelationship to be intact versus
you getting a check then.
I'm not saying it's not hardbecause you ain't it.
It's hard out here without themoney, but at the same time I
think, when we look long, whenwe look in the future, like it

(39:07):
really pays off for allowingthem to have a foundational
relationship with their oppositesex.

Speaker 2 (39:12):
No, absolutely.
You know.
Like I said, you know, if kidsdidn't need both parents then
there would be no need for us to.
You know, A lot of people enjoymaking the kids but then when
stuff gets rough, they don'twant to take care of them or
they don't want to.
And you know, earlier, myparents, I was guilty of that,
you know, but my thing, was see,I had the upper hand.

(39:35):
You know, yeah, you can leave,but I'm keeping my kids Right
Because this is their address,this is their home.
You live with me, okay, youdon't have to be here.
Oh what, you gonna put my kidson the street?
Oh, hell, no, my kids is alwayswelcome here right and that's
kind of how I ended up becominga single father.
You know I put myself in thatposition, you know, and at the

(39:57):
time, like I said, oh, I'mtelling my, I see my dad do it
and I'm my dad sitting therelooking at me.
You got to be a goddamn fool.
He said, oh.
He said, oh, you want to be amom now too.
I said what you mean?
He said you're gonna find out.
He said, oh, you're gonna findout.
And you know he supported me,he helped me as much as he could
.
If it wasn't for my father, Iprobably I probably would have

(40:21):
had to either give my kids backor, you know, I'd have had to
swallow my pride and be like yo,I need you Knowing.
I didn't want nothing to dowith him.
But I also am a firm believerand this is a dream.
I'm talking about my second son, my second baby mom.
You know I did not want you andyou know she was also.
Well, we can't be a family as afamily.

(40:43):
Then I don't want nothing to dowith the child.
I'm like that's fine.
I'll take it, and it's usuallythe opposite way too, and that's
why it blew my mind, you know,and I was just like you know
what I think she think I wasgoing to fold, but I don't come
from, if I don't come from, afold and I've never seen my dad
fold at nothing.
You know what I'm saying, eventhough you know I'm nowhere near

(41:07):
the father that my dad was tome.
But I feel like if I could gethalf of that, then I'm a great
father.
You know what I'm saying.
And, um, I just like to salutethe guys who I've personally
watched grow up without no dad,and they are some of the best
fathers I'm learning from them.

Speaker 1 (41:24):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (41:25):
And these are guys that didn't have no example.
You know what I'm saying.
We that's what I love about myfriends and the guys I hang with
Cause.
First of all, I don't hang withno dead V fathers.
You know what I'm sayingBecause I I was a single father,
so I know how important it isto be one.
I tell my friends all the time.
For those that might not bethere, I'm like, bro, you didn't
have one.
You know what that's like.

(41:45):
Why would you set somebody elseup like they set you up?
Man, that part right there.
Guys, fellas if you're watching, I hope there's some fellas
tuned in Listen, be there.
I know it might be hard, itmight be difficult.
Oh man, she's not going to.
Let me Listen.
Bro, we got the same rightsthat they do.

Speaker 1 (42:06):
Absolutely.

Speaker 2 (42:07):
You know what I'm saying, unless you've been to
court and you signed over yourrights, fellas, you have rights
to your child, might.
You have to pay child support.
That might be there, but bethat.
But listen, that bond thatyou're going to get with your
child is way more important thanany amount of money you got to
give up.
I promise you.
I promise you, like I said, aswe, as the black culture evolves

(42:32):
, we see more black dads.
We're getting the recognitionwe deserve.
But we still got a long way togo, fellas.
They still got this.
What's the word I'm looking for?
This stereotype on us thatblack men aren't good fathers,
and that's bullshit.
We some of the best fathersaround.
They just don't publicize itenough because you know their

(42:56):
goal was to take us away fromthe family absolutely.

Speaker 1 (43:00):
That's why welfare was invented.

Speaker 2 (43:01):
Yeah, that's where all that come from you can't
have welfare if the man is inthe house.
Why do y'all think that is them?
Food stamps.
Ain't that important that yougot to take your father away
from your son?
You gotta lie about your, yourson's father, living with you to
get section eight.
That's because they don't wantto see black families win.
We gotta, we gotta, change thenarrative, we gotta fix the
culture.
Y'all, like you know I'm saying,and, fellas, fight for your

(43:25):
rights.
Don't let nobody take nothingaway from you.
Bro, like I know it's hard, Iknow it's stressful and I've
seen some of my guys listen.
I've been one of them, fellasthat broke down, you know I'm
saying, and I didn't break downbecause I couldn't see my broke
down, broke down because it wasso hard.
You know what I'm saying as asingle parent be there for your
child, man.
Because nothing hurted me morethan crying in front of my sons.

(43:46):
Even to this day, like, yes, Itell my sons it's okay to cry,
but I try not to cry in front ofthem because they look at daddy
as a strong man.
I don't feel strong.

Speaker 1 (43:55):
Right and I think it's important for them to see
that you like listen, I ain'tgot to be strong.
Like, who said, like where wasit who wrote the fact that
parents are supposed to besuperheroes?
Like we're supposed to wear thecape all the time and we're
supposed to not be able to beemotionally attacked?
Like, listen, because I thinkthat it's like it's sending a
false narrative to our childrenthat we're not supposed to have

(44:17):
emotion, men or female.
Like if they see that I'm hurt,like this is a real feeling.
Let's talk about why I'm hurt.

Speaker 2 (44:24):
But you know who did that to us?
Right, we did that to ourselves, by the way, and uproar by us
being in these urban communities, and you know everybody just
feel like they got to be tough.
You know what I'm saying?
Because what's the first thingthey tell us is you against the
world?

Speaker 1 (44:41):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (44:41):
In order for you to deal with that.
You feel like you got to betough.
Oh, I'm going against the wholeworld.

Speaker 1 (44:45):
Right.

Speaker 2 (44:46):
Like and it's not the whole world per se, but think
about it the highest death rateamong anybody is black on black
crime.

Speaker 1 (44:56):
Talk about that.

Speaker 2 (44:56):
You know, and we were so quick no disrespect to
anything that happened duringthat Black Lives Matter movement
we were so quick to cometogether with a white cop nailed
on a black man neck, which wehad the right to do.
But when we in the hood andLil' Jim Jim killed Lil' John
John, we just say I ain'tsnitching, I ain't dying, I

(45:21):
ain't got nothing to do with me,that ain't my why.
That's more important than acop killing a black man, because
we killing our own, we makingour own escape.
Right, it's a generation that'sgetting ready.
It ain't gonna be nograndfathers because it ain't no
dads now on the raising rightcome on man, and they talk about
it's almost like, it's like,it's like.

Speaker 1 (45:38):
But why are we warring with each other?
It doesn't make any sense, andI think that that's why it's so
important, as fathers like, tostep up, like see something, say
something, have thatconversation with your kids,
like I hear all the time kidstalk about oh, I'm not snitching
, I'm not snitching like I thinkit's just I.
I can't say from a maleperspective, but I'm sick and

(46:00):
tired of seeing people die.

Speaker 2 (46:02):
I know for sure and you know not to cut you off, but
as a person who who comes fromthe street culture, I'm not
saying that I can don't snitchit, because you know if you live
by a street code, then you liveby that code.
What I'm talking about is, youknow, like if you go rob a bank
where somebody and your friendget caught and he tell on you

(46:23):
and he was there, that'ssnitching.
But if you witness somebodyrobbing a bank and you call the
cops, you're a civilian, youhave nothing.
And I'm not because I don'tknow your upbringing, but I'm
going off to you that I met.
Right now I would expect you tocall the authorities because
you don't live by the code thatI met.
Right now I would expect you tocall the authorities because
you don't live by the code thatI grew up by.
And maybe you did, maybe yououtgrew the code, which is fine
because that's where.

(46:44):
That's where I'm getting at.
Yeah, you know, I'm getting toa point in my life where if, if
I see a crime, I'm liable totell on you flat out yeah, I
don't care if you kill somebodyin front of me, I'm liable to
tell them.
Now selling drugs and allthat's listen.
I'm a hustler.
I grew up.
I had to feed my kids that way.
You know, I'm saying and thisis another stereotype that we

(47:04):
don't, we don't realize that weput ourselves in as black men.
You got two type of dads outhere.
You got your everyday nine tofive regular dad and you got
what we call a street dad.
A street dad is somebody who isthere.
They're present in theirchildren's lives and when
they're with their child they'redoing everything that a regular
father would do.
But when they go outside thatdoor and they hit that block,

(47:25):
they're putting themselves atrisk.
They're not thinking abouttheir child.
They are because they're tryingto get money to feed their
family, but they're feeding itby the wrong means.
I used to be a street dad.
You know what I'm saying.
I was one of them dudes thatyou couldn't tell me I wasn't
doing the right thing, becauseI'm doing it for the right
reasons.
I'm doing it to put food on mytable, but at the same time it's

(47:46):
a lot of street dads that don'tmake it home.
So now as a male, you know, asa street dad, you're going out
there with the right intentions,but you might got another guy
over here who ain't got no kidsthey don't have nothing to live
for.
They don't have nobody thatdepends on them and you got more
than them they're gonna takefrom you, not realizing that

(48:07):
y'all pretty much got the samemuch.
Because everything I'm makingit's going to my kids.
You know I'm saying what you'remaking you, you out here
hustling for jordans, jeans,clothes, whatever you hustling
for material things.
I'm hustling to make sure mykids eat.

Speaker 1 (48:18):
Right.

Speaker 2 (48:18):
And I'm not, and I don't knock those type of people
, but you got to change theoutlook of life because, yeah,
when you're with your kids, youa dad, but when you're not with
them, you a street nigga.

Speaker 1 (48:29):
And that street.

Speaker 2 (48:30):
Nigga is going to win at some point in time.
And he's going to take you awayfrom your children.
No-transcript.
Know children around here, buthe said that to me and it
registered to me because I'mlike damn, I never thought of it

(48:51):
that way right, because you'restill putting him at risk.

Speaker 1 (48:53):
You know, I mean, I grew up in Chester.
I grew up in Chester, I grew upin the city.
Like mostly, all my first malecousins are dead and shot and
killed.
You know what I mean so you know, my brother was a hustler Like.
I've lived in Chester all mylife, it's just.
I just evolved, though, in mythinking, because at some point
you get tired of people dying,absolutely.
You get tired of seeing kidsnot have their father.
And then the male cousins who,who, who have got killed, right

(49:20):
then their children are out herehustling right their children
are in jail, like you just seethis, this cycle, like this,
over and over again, and at somepoint, like you get tired,
you're like, okay, so who'sgonna break this generational
thing?
like who's gonna be the one?
And I understand, I'm awful,providing for your family, right
, but at what it costs?
At what cost?
At some point we got to evolvefrom our thinking like, okay,
maybe for a moment this waswhere it was at, but, like you

(49:42):
said, even going out there I'llleave my kids, I'm still putting
myself at risk, right, so what?
What has to change?
One again more resources in thecommunity, right, more
resources.
And and I think a lot ofteaching has to be made where
they for people to, so they canchange their perspective.
You don't know better if youdon't see better, right, like
you can't you can't emulatesomething if you don't see it.

(50:04):
So if that's all you know, ifyour dad hustle, if your, if
your cousins and everybody inyour family hustle, your kids
gonna hustle everything.
But it has to be somebody tochange that.
And I think a lot of times thereason why a lot of kids are
fatherless because they're deador in jail.
So let's talk about how it'simportant.
So, even as a father in jail,how do you parent your kids?
And yeah, I know people who whokid who dads are in jail, has

(50:27):
been in jail all their life.
So then now they're out, it's alock up in the community.
So how do?
How do?
How do fathers, like you know,because jail is supposed to be
rehab, right, yeah,rehabilitation.

Speaker 2 (50:38):
So they say but you know, because jail was supposed
to be rehab, right, yeah,rehabilitation.
So they say.
But you know, it depends onwhat type of mindset you go to
jail with.
Like, if you go to mindset withthe jail that you still going
to be a nut, a nut While you'rethere, you're not going to learn
, you're not going to change,you're not going to grow, and
then if you go there with themindset that you know what, I'm
going to sit down, I'm going tothink, I'm going to read.

(50:58):
You know, those are the peoplethat come home rehabilitated,
those are the people that comehome ready for reentry into the
community, as opposed to thosewho may just go in there and,
you know, may join with the gangor run with the guys, and those
are the ones that become repeatoffenders and go back and
continue to stay into the system.
But to answer your question asfar as parenting from a prison

(51:19):
system, I had to do it for abrief, brief time.
I mean it wasn't very long, butit was long enough for me to
realize that.
you know this wasn't something Iwanted to do.
You know, because you can tella kid anything over the phone,
but it's like what you going todo if I don't listen?
What you going to do?

(51:40):
I've heard guys on the phone orI've seen kids talk to their
mom about their dad.
I don't want to talk to him,what he going to do.
You know what I mean.
So it's hard.
You got to be a strong,individual individual and you
got to kind of have arelationship already with that
child.
You know Women, you know if takethe child, take the child to

(52:00):
see, that would be my thing.
You know, take the child towhere he can physically see his
dad, where he can physically seethe child and they can interact
, because it's hard to interactwith somebody over the phone.
Right, you know it's hard tohave that bond when I can't.
Even video calls is not enough.
Like you know, make those trips, man.
If you got a father, eventhough he locked up, and he

(52:22):
trying help him, you know totake those trips, man.
You know I've seen people thatI don't really want to say their
name.
It's this one lady.
You know my man.
He got locked up.
He's sitting for a murder.
You know he didn't do it.
Whatever, we're not going toget into all that, but you know,
I know that she takes him tosee his father faithfully.

Speaker 1 (52:45):
Okay.

Speaker 2 (52:48):
She makes hour drives , I don't care what state they
move this man in.
She makes sure that at leastonce a month that this child
gets to see his father and theyhave a relationship and it kind
of impacts the child to where asthough it's not like his dad is
on the street but, he sees hisdad, he can touch his dad.
You know what I'm saying.
If he don't do something wrong,he can feel that, because

(53:08):
sometimes as a man you just thattestosterone just bleeding off
your body.
Your kids can feel that.
That goes to that point whereyou say, when dad walk in the
room, yeah, everything changes.
Everything changes.
That's that testosteronebleeding out Like oh yo, dad,
dad, dad feels some type of wayyou know, what I'm saying.
So it's important.

(53:28):
No matter like that matters andI say that because I've
experienced it firsthand as wellwith one of my step-sons.
You know what I'm saying.
So it's important.
If you have a father and thefather is trying, it's important
to let that man be a part youknow what I'm saying and
especially if the kid wants tobe involved.

(53:49):
If the kid wants to see theirfather.
If they had a priorrelationship to him going to
jail, it's important that youtry to keep that relationship as
normal as possible, or asnormal as you can in the
circumstances you know what I'msaying like, if he's allowed
visits.
Like I said, take a weekend,take the time, travel up there
if you gotta get a little cheaproom and stay overnight so you
ain't gotta drive back late atnight.

(54:09):
But make an effort it and it'simportant that you know kids see
co-parenting at its peak when Isay at its peak, at its finest.
You know what I'm saying Notjust Mom and Dad always arguing
Every time they get together.
It's like there ain't no lovearound that joint because, like
we said, it trickles intoadulthood and they become that
type of person.
They don't know how to treattheir significant other because,

(54:35):
um, mommy and daddy alwaysright.
That's all you know, that's allyou know, and even though I hope
sorry and even though I had agreat father you know I'm saying
it was one time you know my momand dad was never married and
my dating separation is like 97,something like that.
And I was a grown man, I wasprobably like 19 or 20 me and my
dad was having a conversationin the kitchen and you know he

(54:56):
was verbally bashing my mom andI had to tell my dad like yo
like.
I don't like that.
Can you stop, yeah, cause Imean, at the end of the day, she
may not be the best mom, butshe's still my mom and you
affecting how I look, alwaysafraid of my dad.
I could talk to him, but if Isay the wrong thing, he's going

(55:23):
to back hit me.
It was like now I'm 20.
I was feeling myself, I'm likeman, he hit me and my brother
just told me he said you everhit our fucking dad, we will
kick your ass.
So I'm, and my brother told me,said you ever hit our fucking
dad, we will kick your ass.
So I'm like all right, but Iain't gonna let him talk to me
any type of way, neither,because I'm coming into my
manhood it's the type of man heraised me to be, and it's not to
take no stuff from nobody,right?
you know what I'm saying.
So, and from that moment on tothis day, my dad is never, ever

(55:47):
bad mouth.
My mom in front of me again andso sometimes like we got to be
careful what we say in front ofour kids absolutely and listen
to our kids because we got we'rethe generation right now where
these kids got a voice they dobecause of social social media
told them at an early age theyhave a voice right and they are
not afraid to use it.
That's one of my biggest thingsI learned since working in the
school, you know, because theyear prior to this year I was a

(56:11):
hard ass.
I was on these kids.
I don't want to hear thatbecause I was in a different
role.
So I came back this year as amentor and my job was to listen
to them Right.
So I'm listening.
Some of these kids got reallife issues.
Absolutely we think that age isjust a number of people.
You know, with the society thatwe've grown in and with social

(56:34):
media giving these kids so muchaccess to so much at early age,
and you know guns coming in,these ghost guns coming in our
community, you know.
Do you know what a ghost gun is?
It's a gun that people canorder offline and put together
theyself wait, which makes ituntraceable.
That's what ghost guns come from.
People you can my, a 14 yearold child can get online.
Order the pieces to the gun,get the package package, get on

(56:55):
YouTube, put it together.
So now he has a gun.

Speaker 1 (56:59):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (57:00):
A lot of people don't understand that.
That's where these guns, that'show these kids is getting guns
in these hands.
They're not, nobody's giving itto them, they're buying them
themselves.

Speaker 1 (57:07):
They're buying them off your account, off your
account Off your Amazon, offyour account.
You don't even know.
Off your account, off yourAmazon Off your account?

Speaker 2 (57:14):
You don't even Yo.
Yeah, you think they orderingRoblox points, or VC for.
Playstation 5.
Man, little John, john justordered a semi-automatic rifle
under your name and put ittogether off a YouTube video.
Now he has protection becausehe's scared to walk down the
street.

Speaker 1 (57:30):
I was going to say.
And then we got to get to theroot of why he thinks that's
okay to do.
Oh wow, because there ain't noregular kids, no more.

Speaker 2 (57:37):
You know I talk to a lot of these kids, man, and that
was one of my questions for thehigh school kids Like, do y'all
respect regular people?
And one young boy answered meain't no regular people,
everybody out.
I'm like even a nigga inbasketball he said if he played
basketball.
He from the wrong hood, he myop.
I said, but the nigga playedbasketball.

Speaker 1 (57:56):
Right, that's a lot of hurt and pain Right there.
Though that's hurt and painRight there, that's coming from
somewhere, cause kids aren'tborn like that.
Like you're not born Like that,your environment, society has
made you this way, has made youhard and rough.
I mean growing up like I wasthe roughest, toughest kid.
Everybody know you mess withDonna Carson man, mess with
anybody any Carson's in myfamily.
I'm coming to get you because Iwas hard and I was rough,

(58:18):
because I was angry as an angrykid so, and then I was bullied
too.
So you want to do all thiscrazy stuff like nobody's born
that way.
So we got to support parents ofhow to first of all communicate
with our kids, really buildinggreat relationships at home so
that we don't have to let thestreets raise them or or their
friends.
You know you said somethingearlier though I want to get

(58:39):
back to before we close out,about how do you speak about
your, the child's parent.
Like you know, I'm a strongbeliever.
Like you, don't bash the father, you don't bash the mother.
Like I've never talked badabout.
I mean, I've covered myex-husband like I didn't even
like some crazy stuff.
Live for him.
You know what I mean just sothat they don't look at their
dad with that perspective.
But it had two ways, though.

(59:00):
Kind of messed me up with thatthough, with my daughter, who's
now 25, right, she's, she grewup, her, she was like nine when
her dad left and I never talkedbad about her dad at all, right,
never talked bad about her dad.
But once she got of age and shewent to go see live with her
dad, you know, at 19 he hestarted talking bad about me.
So then that messed up ourrelationship now, because a lot

(59:23):
of stuff that he said wasn'ttrue, but because she wanted her
dad around and she's listeningto her dad.
So my daughter, honestly, y'allhearing for the first time my
25 and my year old, we don'teven communicate, because once
she went to the side with herdad, that's all she heard.
Because she wanted her dad.
So anything that her dad wasfeeling in her head, that's what
she believed, right?

(59:44):
So that's the one side.
But then I got my son, samefather who, when he was at the
house with them and they weretalking bad about me, he came
home and said mom, why are theysaying this about you?
Like he was able to have?
This is how I knew they weretalking crazy about me, because
my son told me.
He said I don't like whatthey're saying about you.
I don't like because that's notwhat I see.
So and I still never bad mouththeir dad, even though he kept

(01:00:09):
bad mouthing me.
And it's so important becausethey will learn later eventually
, when they grow up.
Because my son knows now thetruth, right, because the crazy
thing I had a conversation withthe dad, brought him to my house
.
My son was upstairs and I'mcounteracting his lies like why
are you lying like that?
My son, I recorded the wholething so that y'all think I
ain't crazy.
He faced up to something, heowned up to some stuff, he lied,

(01:00:30):
but we didn't know that my sonwas upstairs listening.
So now he sees a differentperspective.
He knew what his heart, thetype of person I was.
But he says to me, ma, he saidyou will never talk about it
with my dad.
Why would I?
That's your dad.
And I think we really got tocurve these conversations
Because at the end of the day, Idon't care how mad that you are

(01:00:51):
at the individual, it's aboutthe child.
Now y'all brought this child aswell as your responsibility to
make sure this child grows uphealthy and grow, develop
healthy and be the best, besuccessful, whatever that means
for that child Like.
It's our responsibility asparents.
We can't blame one parent andlack our own responsibility.
We really got to do this as ateam and if you don't do the
best that you can like, don't dothe best that you can.

Speaker 2 (01:01:15):
But one thing don't ever bash the other parent,
especially if they trying.
Yeah, maybe if they ain't.

Speaker 1 (01:01:19):
You still shouldn't bash them, but don't do it,
because that kid is going togrow up and they're going to
resent you because they're goingto believe you done withheld
them from their father.
You was only trying to collecta paycheck, all these things
that they say.
But if you continue to walk inintegrity and really just focus
on the main thing, which is thechild, the outcome is going to
be better, like when they go sitin the therapist's office at 35

(01:01:41):
and the therapist is talking tothem.
The therapist is going to helpthem realize that, oh, you did
the best that you could and youain't never bashed.
A person Like the therapist isgoing to be able to allow them
to walk through those processes,not us putting stuff on them,
and that's what I encourageanybody.
Um, we're about to run out.
We are running out of timey'all, but what I want to say is
thanks for coming on.
But I want you to tell me whatwould you say out here to single

(01:02:03):
dads, married dads, dads ingeneral, of what they need to do
or how we need to either showup, come up whatever you got to
say to them, because I thinkit's important.

Speaker 2 (01:02:12):
Listen, fellas, like I was saying earlier, man, just,
no matter what your situationis, you know, just do the best
that you can to be there foryour child especially my fathers
of these young fellas out here,you know, because they need us.
You know what I'm saying,myself included.
You know I'm an okay father.
I don't consider myself thebest.

(01:02:32):
I'm doing my best, but I know Ican do better.
You know what I'm saying.
Don't let nobody tell you howyou are as a father.
Just know, you know what I'msaying.
You'll know if you're doing agood job by how your kids
respond to you.
You know what I'm saying.
They need you, they need us andlisten.
We need this cohesiveness, weneed unity.
You know what I'm saying.

(01:02:53):
That's one of my biggest thingsI preach in the community.
So unity, man, it's all aboutjust and it may sound corny, but
just be there for your kids,man.
It's all we can do.
They need us.
You know what I'm saying.
I understand some fellas are notin the situation, because
that's what I hear a lot.
Oh, you ain't in my situation.
You got it easy.
Yes, I may, because I have fullcustody of mine, but I went.

(01:03:15):
I went through that.
You know I'm saying I wentthrough the process, the battle,
to get that.
You know I'm saying so, fellas,it's possible.
You know I'm saying if you'renot in the shape right now, get
yourself together, get your, getyour crib work.
Just do it the right way.
Man be, be here, be present,stay alive and stay free.

(01:03:35):
Be, present, stay alive and stayfree, and everything else will
fall into place.
Fellas, I promise you, man,Just keep trying Be spiritual.
Whether you're Muslim, youbelieve in God, Allah, whatever
your faith is, just have faith,man.
God will guide you down thepath that is for you and I
guarantee you your kids is onthat path, waiting for you all

(01:03:57):
right, you hear from a father,right?

Speaker 1 (01:03:59):
a father who who's living their life and in a
community to help these youngboys.
Uh, so they can grow up to bethe best that they can be, and
potentially be great fathers aswell thank you so much for
coming to the show.

Speaker 2 (01:04:08):
I appreciate the invite.
As you know, we're bringingback the responsibility,
nobility and beauty back intoparenting.

Speaker 1 (01:04:10):
we'll see you again next week for coming to the show
.
I appreciate the invite.
As you know, we're bringingback the responsibility,
nobility and beauty back intoparenting.
We'll see you again next week,thank you.