Embracing Vulnerability: The Transformative Journey of Motherhood and Resilience

Send us a text

What happens when parenting becomes more about the child than the parent? Join us as we explore this profound question with our special guest, Aisha Staples, a resilient mother of four who shares her enlightening journey from single motherhood to building a balanced household with a supportive partner. Aisha opens up about the challenges of raising three boys and a girl, emphasizing the crucial role of male figures in providing stability and calm. Her candid reflections offer valuable insights into the power of vulnerability and the importance of external support systems in navigating the complexities of parenting.

Through the courageous stories of young mothers facing unexpected life events, we uncover the resilience and strength that arise from life's unforeseen challenges. Dive into narratives of unexpected pregnancies and the emotional rollercoaster that follows, highlighting the blessings that children bring amidst life's trials. Hear personal accounts of societal pressures, critical life decisions, and the journey of self-discovery that comes with motherhood, providing listeners with a powerful reminder of the love and responsibility that guide us.

Concluding with heartfelt discussions on nurturing, motherhood, and personal growth, we examine the journey toward forming deeper emotional connections with family. Through themes of loss, guilt, and resilience, Aisha's story, along with broader reflections, emphasizes the ongoing balance between personal struggles and prioritizing children's needs. These conversations aim to inspire hope and offer a relatable narrative for all listeners navigating their unique parenting journeys, underscoring the transformative power of love and commitment in the face of life's challenges.

Parents are the Bows and Children are the Arrows they will land wherever we aim them eventually!

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (01:10):
Thank you, that's cool, so you can see the
comments right there.

Speaker 2 (01:15):
I never seen nobody answer back the comments.
Thank you, good evening, goodevening, good evening.

(01:45):
As you know, I am the co-hostto Parenting with a Purpose and
tonight we have two beautifulfaces.
I have Aisha Staples with meand also Mary Matthews.
I'll let them introducethemselves.
But here at Parenting Purpose,you know, we are bringing back
the responsibility, the nobilityand the beauty back in

(02:06):
parenting.
Tonight we are going to bespeaking on parenting for
yourself versus parenting foryour children and, as I said, we
have two lovely, beautifulfaces.
Aisha, go ahead and introduceyourself.
Hi everybody, my name is AishaStaples.
I am born and raised inChesapeake, I am a mother of
four and I'm here to talk aboutmy journey.

Speaker 1 (02:28):
Hi, I'm Mary Matthews and I've been here before, so
I'm just hanging out withparenting with a purpose tonight
, yeah, so tonight we areexcited.

Speaker 2 (02:38):
Aisha is our special guest this evening.
We want to thank you for comingon showing face, thank you.
And we know that you are amother of four.
So if you could go ahead andyou know, tell us your ages,
tell us a boy, girl boy and girlmom, tell us just a little bit

(03:00):
about yourself.
So I have four and three boys,one girl oldest, 13, 10, six and
my youngest is a little babygirl.
She's four.
Hold on.
So when you say you got threeboys and one girl, what's that
household look like with babygirl?

(03:21):
Believe it or not.
My household is a very calmhousehold, believe it or not?

Speaker 1 (03:27):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (03:28):
Believe it or not, she's bossy.

Speaker 1 (03:29):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (03:30):
She acts like a boy, but she's really big at I am a
girl.
Make it very clear I am a girl.

Speaker 1 (03:37):
And she's always going to be well protected.

Speaker 2 (03:39):
I love that.
I love that.
And how is it for you, being amother of three, raising three
young kings, the boys?
Raising the boys, yes Hard,it's not a hard, I mean an easy
task.
It's very difficult becausethey are really big on wanting

(04:00):
me to understand them and as awoman, I can't really understand
males.
They're not men, but my littlebabies they.
I treat them like babiessometimes.
So letting them understand thatI'm a woman, they need that man
to lead them into manhood.
So I think that's the biggeststruggle.
I like how you said that, likethey need that man.

(04:24):
Like I'm not trying to, youknow, you hear sometimes the
woman like I'm the mom and thedad.

Speaker 1 (04:29):
I have no desire, I can do this.

Speaker 2 (04:30):
I can do that.
So I appreciate you.
You know you being vulnerableenough to even say that, being
transparent, to even bring voiceto that, because sometimes
raising children not having thatmale figure, you feel like you
gotta try to replace or be that,knowing that really you can.
So actually I don't know whatyou're experiencing at this

(04:54):
moment, so can you try to helpme, you know, invite me into
your world so I can maybe getyou the resources and help.

Speaker 1 (05:01):
So how do you go about?

Speaker 2 (05:03):
that challenge.
So I can say that it's nolonger a challenge for me, for
myself because I do have ahusband.
Okay, so we have that fatherfigure in the house.
Okay, what I will say is,before he entered the household,
although they had fathersoutside of the household who are
very active, it has become moreof a home because he's able to

(05:30):
navigate them, he's able tonavigate me through the
struggles that I have with them.
I'm a lot more calmer as asingle mom.
I was like enraged all the timetime.
Every time I'm talking to them,yelling, I'm screaming, um, I
just don't know how to be, youknow, loving, when I have to be

(05:54):
this dominant parent.
So, um, starting off, I wasn't,um, a single mom from the
beginning, as with my son.
So I was in a relationshipbefore I had him and after
having him, at one years old, Ibecame a single mother.

(06:15):
Hardest journey in my life,hardest journey in my life.
So for maybe a year into hislife, I became single, okay, a
working mom too.
First job ever.
Wow, being a mother having towork.
I had to work, one of themlow-end jobs.

(06:36):
So going to work, what are youconsidering low-end For me?
I would never work at a fastfood restaurant.
I said when I was younger, but Iwasn't 16, 17.
I was 20.
So you think you hit home alittle different, because of the
age 20 years old, I got to gomake tacos.
I don't want to make tacos, butI don't have anything under my

(06:59):
belt that tells them I can dothis, this, this and this.
I have a baby at home.
Right, I have to take care ofmy child.
I tells them I can do this,this, this and this I have a
baby at home.

Speaker 1 (07:06):
I have to take care of my child.

Speaker 2 (07:07):
I went to Taco Bell.
But thank goodness, going toTaco Bell taught me a lot about
life.
I wasn't a worker, a regularworker, as in my eyes.
I always say you, regularworker.
I wasn't a regular worker forlong.
Maybe, about four months in, Ibecame a team leader.

Speaker 1 (07:25):
Team leader became a manager manager became manager
now I'm under the.
Rgm, wow so but all the way up.

Speaker 2 (07:34):
I went all the way up quick, right, but at home that
mother I wasn't the greatest um,I worked crazy hours of the day
, 5 pm, 3 am.
I'm at home.
I'm having panic attacksbecause he's crying.
I'm so tired.
I eventually focused on myselfat that point.

(08:00):
My son was around all the time.
My mother was extremely helpful.
So you had a support system.
I had a support system.
Not only my mother.
My father was too Verysupportive His father's, mother,
auntie's, all that.
I loved them.

Speaker 1 (08:15):
So you had a village.

Speaker 2 (08:16):
I had a village, but even with that village, I was
lost.
I didn't know what to do as amom.
It was my first time.
Mind you, I've never changed ababy diaper, I've never held a
baby, I've never made a babybottle and I have so many nieces
and nephews, so this wascompletely foreign.
Oh, it was foreign to me.

(08:37):
The crying, the I don't knowwhat to do.
So, moving on being a mom, youknow, I don't know if I was as
attached as I was supposed to be.
You know how, when you rub yourbelly and you talk to that
child and be like Mommy can'twait to meet you.
I don't remember that Really.

(08:59):
No, I don't.
The disconnect was there.
I might say so with the hugevillage, their, I might say so
with the huge village.
I still had a disconnect as amom hold on.

Speaker 1 (09:09):
Can I ask you something?

Speaker 2 (09:10):
so, speaking of that, because I know I've talked to
multiple different moms,especially with being a doula,
and I'll have moms say like oh,when I gave birth, I thought I
was supposed to cry.
So do I not love my child?
They ask all kinds of things.
Moms say like oh, when I gavebirth, I thought I was supposed
to cry.
Like so do I not love my child?

(09:31):
Like they ask all kinds ofthings.
So this is like new to me hereand like I don't remember, like
rubbing my belly and things likethat.
So when you found out that youwere having your first child,
like, do you kind of rememberthose thoughts?
I do, all right.
So before I found out, I was inhigh school.
You know I had a troubledjunior high.

(09:52):
Okay, you know my high school,my junior high school years, it
was very troubled.
I was fighting, you know.
Let me make it clear I feellike I was getting bullied as a
young teenager, but it createdthis angry person in me.
So as I grew and went to highschool, I was a fighter.
I got expelled in the 12thgrade.

(10:13):
This was 2010.
Actually, my year that I wasgoing to graduate.
I was supposed to graduate inJune.
I got expelled, maybe like lateJanuary of that year Drastic so
I had to figure out what Iwanted to do.
I'm like I don't know.
Your girl wanted to be a danceron top on the screens, like

(10:35):
Alan Ella Young, like Usherbackground dancer.

Speaker 1 (10:39):
Oh, okay, yeah.

Speaker 2 (10:42):
Not that kind of dancing.
I never had a desire to show mybody in no type of ways, Okay,
but you know the backgrounddancing of Usher, that's all I
wanted to do.
So I love Sierras.
I was a real big dancer,entertainer, right.
So right before I found out Iwas pregnant, I asked my mother
to sign me up for an auditionand I was supposed to go to

(11:03):
Atlanta to audition to be one ofthose dancers, you know for
sure.
And it was a BET concert, thefirst year that he did the BET
Awards.
I mean, not the first year, butit was like this song Dun dun,
dun, dun dun.
That song, Okay, I wanted to beon stage, as if you remind me.

Speaker 1 (11:23):
No, that's old, do that deep beat again.
You're going to have me lookingit up.
That's what it's called.

Speaker 2 (11:31):
I don't know that one .
Oh, you got to go look it up.
I Wanted to Be.
Maybe I just don't know thetitle All right, but give me
more of the story.
so I wanted to be a dancer andI'm like, oh, I'm going to go
audition.
I have a boyfriend and all ofthose good things.
I want to be a dancer.
I'm going to do an audition,maybe.
Like a couple months after thatI thought I was pregnant.

(11:52):
I'm like, oh, my life is over.
I never wanted kids.
I always said I wanted to bemarried, not to my race, and be
rich.
That was my dream, my claim tofame.
I wasn't having no babies.
They're all having babies allaround here.

(12:12):
Wow, I found out I was pregnant.
I remember when I found out Iwas in the emergency room and
they told me and I'm like, okay,I came home.
I was outside with my, I thinkI told my friend, the first
person I told and she's like, no, you don't seem happy.
I'm like I don't know if thisis what I really want.

(12:33):
You know, I told my mom I'mpregnant.
She's like so and yeah, you'rekeeping it.
I said, okay, life.
She's like so and yeah, you'rekeeping it.
I said, okay, life was over inmy head, my life was over, like
I don't know what am I going todo with a baby, but really it
was just getting started.
So the belly and stuff.
I remember having pictures likewhen I was pregnant, but I don't

(12:54):
remember, you know, connectingwith that belly.
I don't being affectionate.
I wasn't with that bully.
Being affectionate I wasn'tBecause you felt like once you
found that out, everything elsewas out the window.
It could have been that andexperiences while you're being
pregnant.
You know, I didn't have greatexperience with my significant

(13:14):
other at the time.
It was a lot with that and I'mlike you know what.
We've been together for a longtime, maybe about three years.

Speaker 1 (13:30):
And I'm like we having a baby and no one's happy
and so I'm not happy either.
Wow, but after I had himquestion, I was gonna let you
finish a question so I could seeknow you had a plan.
You had a plan.
I was real comfortable with it.
You had a plan.
Your plan was to basically golive your life.
You wanted to be a dancer.

(13:50):
So when you found out you werepregnant, you were like you know
, my life is over, not realizingand understanding that you
could still live with theblessing that you receive,
because children are a blessing.
So did you have, even thoughyour mom says and I get the

(14:12):
adage of moms being you don'tkeep that child, like you're not
having a say about it, like youpregnant, you're going to keep
it, you go.
But did you have an ear?
Did you were you?
Did you have a rapport withyour mom where you were able to
say my mom this, and did youhave somebody to pour into you?
Were you missing, um, thecompassion and the hope that,

(14:39):
okay, you're, you could have thebaby, but guess what?
You're going to be fine, youcan do all things.

Speaker 2 (14:45):
Well, I grew up in a household with a lot of siblings
.
My mother was a mother of nine.
So you know, watching my mother, I think it was just for me
thinking because she was just amom, she was only a mom, that's
all she could be with nine kids,I felt like I was going to live
that same life.
Was I able to communicate withher?

(15:08):
I never tried to.
I can't say that I wasn't able,because I've never said
anything to her.
I just took everything that shealways said, just whatever.
That's what it is.
Or if I did question anything,never, I guess, had the guts to
say something.
You know, because I always hada mouth, I was real mouthy, but

(15:31):
never for a purpose, like Ican't come to you and say how I
truly feel.
I'll slip out you know like I'llsay everything when I'm upset,
never when I'm at that calmplace and my thoughts are
wandering, you know so imaginethat, being a mom too, in the
beginning yeah, so I canunderstand that.

Speaker 1 (15:51):
Yeah, that makes sense, because you you saw
something that you you'vealready deemed.
I don't want no point.

Speaker 2 (15:58):
I don't want like you resented it Because I was an
active daughter in the house.
I was clean, I was cleaning, Iwas doing a lot of things and
I'm like this is not what achild do.
But it wasn't because my mothermade me.
I think it was me trying to bethat child that helped my mom.
So I was always a helper.
I just wanted to be do formyself.

(16:19):
I didn't want to take onanybody else that was going to
stop me.

Speaker 1 (16:23):
You know, that's what it was.
So now we move forward.

Speaker 2 (16:31):
You still be dancing a little bit.
Um, I'm just yeah, I have toask.

Speaker 1 (16:37):
Y'all know I got TikTok out.

Speaker 2 (16:39):
I do not have the guts to be on a camera with no
TikTok.

Speaker 1 (16:43):
Do you make videos out for?

Speaker 2 (16:45):
yourself or anything.
No, but I recently startedgetting in the house dancing
with my son Doing TikTok.
Okay, we will not upload them,they will not be on the internet
, they will not be.

Speaker 1 (16:55):
But as long as you do it, I still got it.

Speaker 2 (17:01):
I might have to do a little dance off.
You know what then?
I still got it.

Speaker 1 (17:05):
I might have to do a little dance off.

Speaker 2 (17:06):
You don't want this to work If I call 911, I'll
start dancing, okay, so, but I'mglad that you do that.
You say you do it with your son, so now we fast forward.
We know that you're a mother offour.
However, you have him.
Uh, things transpire, life isgoing on, life is moving, and

(17:28):
now where does child two come in?
I meet someone well, not meetum.
I ran into someone I grew upwith um and ended up
communicating with him.
That's father number two.
Okay, it was maybe like a yearand a half after my son, so it

(17:49):
was about my son's turn.
He's like two, he'll be turningthree, maybe in that age
bracket, and I was just investedto find a relationship.
You know, I just wanted to bein a relationship.
I don't have anything else todo, so I'm working, I got this
child.
I want a life too, you know,yeah.

(18:10):
So I started communicating withhim and I actually conceived
quick, about three months in.
Wow, that was quick, very fast,yeah.
Now I think about it.
No, no, three months and I had.
I was conceived baby number two.
Now, with this child beingpregnant, it was different.

(18:32):
I do remember being pregnantand I was actually happy being
pregnant, but the disconnectcame at the end because I was
going to have my child and mychild's father was incarcerated,
like literally, like maybe thetop of the month that I was
supposed to have my childdevastated.

(18:54):
Now I have to relive, you know,connecting again yes, now with
just one, two, that was a lotfor me.
I have to go in sacrifice again.
Yes, that was just one, two,that was a lot for me.

Speaker 1 (19:03):
I have to go in sacrifice mode, right?

Speaker 2 (19:06):
So when we talk about that parenting for yourself, do
you think that's the phase thatyou were in Very much Parenting
?
I also looked at it parentingfrom pain, parenting from past
trauma, from resentment, becauseI remember when you said my mom
was just a mom.
So I don't connect withchildhood trauma.

(19:28):
I don't feel like I havechildhood trauma because I was
never like hurt as a child.
I didn't feel like I was made,you know, to do anything that I
did.
I wanted to do it.
I was connected to cleaning thehouse For some reason.
As a child I loved the feelingof the house being clean.
That's good.

(19:49):
You know most kids they hatecleaning the house, but I loved
organization.
That was a passion for me.
I loved it Bop the floor.
When she came and sing she wasso excited and I'm like, I like
this.

Speaker 1 (20:03):
She never had to tell you oh, do this, do that.

Speaker 2 (20:05):
Never, never.
So I guess that's how Iconnected with my mom, without
talking to her, okay, but we,where was I at Baby number two,
mm-hmm, okay, you say, and youdidn't connect with childhood
trauma, but we said parentingfrom pain, parenting for self Is

(20:25):
that where that came in?
Parenting for self came insacrificing for them, believing
that I'm sacrificing for thembut I'm really doing it for my
own good.
Getting with someone and havinganother child was not the right
idea of being a better motherto my first child.
I still have connecting to doBecause I'm working all of these

(20:50):
hours in one day and I'm cominghome at the wee hours in the
morning, I'm sleeping, I'mhaving panic attacks, I'm
franting, I'm going crazybecause he's crying.
How do I have time for arelationship when do I find time
?
Oh, but I found it.
I was going to say you made it,oh, I made time, and I got
pregnant too.

(21:10):
I didn't think about are youreally going to have another kid
?

Speaker 1 (21:15):
Right.

Speaker 2 (21:16):
That's not the right thing to do.
I was happy.
I was happy, he made me sohappy.
I'm a little foolish again.
I'm 23.
I'm grown.
I don't need nobody to tell menothing.
I'm grown, you know.
No one said anything to me andI don't believe that it's not
because they didn't want to.
It's because I wasn't going tolisten.
You already had your mind madeup man, I didn't like authority.

(21:38):
Don't tell me nothing, nothing,and I meant that Don't tell me
nothing.
But moving forward.
When he was incarcerated I got,I went into survivor mode.
So after I had my child, mymother again was you know, this

(21:59):
old provider, you know I got yougo to work.
Two weeks later I was back atwork after having my child.
Two weeks later, were you evencleared?
The doctor couldn't tell menothing either.
I was fine, I'm up, I'm working, I'm back at Taco Bell.
Mom.
What would my mom say?
Girl, your wound will fall out.

(22:20):
Well, if that's the case, Ihave a great and shaped womb and
I've been back to work with allmy babies.
Quick, let's say that, okay,I'm in perfect shape.
My girl said I had a job to do,so I had to go to work.
I had to take care of thesechildren.
I just moved the month before Ihad them.

(22:42):
So I'm like you know, I wasworking this job and minimum
wage was minimum wage, likethat's when we were really
getting paid minimum wage, eventhough it's still that price.
We weren't really getting paidthat in fast food.
So I was making $7.25.
My rent was $7.25.
I'm going to do this can 725.

(23:06):
My rent was 725.
I'm gonna do this right with aword yeah.
So I had my two babies with meand I didn't.
I wasn't driving, I couldn'tdrive, I didn't have no license,
I didn't know how to drive acar wow, that's two children I
have to get on the bus.
My mother made me live like 30minutes away walk and my job was
30 minutes from my mom.
So, okay, I got up, got my kidstogether I minutes from my
mom's.
Okay, I got up and got my kidstogether, I walked to my mom's
and I walked to the job.
Mind you, I just had a baby.

Speaker 1 (23:26):
So it would be a 30-minute walk.

Speaker 2 (23:28):
It would be an hour total and back.

Speaker 1 (23:30):
Yeah, if you walk in, it's going to be fun.

Speaker 2 (23:32):
So I go take my babies to my mom's.
Got more good work.
It's 5 pm, mind you.
3 am do the same thing.
I walked, I got on the bus,rain, sleep, hell, there's no to
take care of my kids.
But I don't know if I was anurturer because I came home I

(23:54):
had to get up.
His schedule was everywhere.
So you know, when people makeyour schedules it's like yeah
you gotta work monday, tuesday,wednesday, saturday this week
and next week.
You got to work Wednesday,friday.

Speaker 1 (24:04):
Now I got to figure out how I'm going to do
everything.

Speaker 2 (24:07):
So it was so discombobulated my life was like
crazy.
I remember it was a storm and Iwas walking.
No money for the bus, two kidsPay rent due.
My ass, I'm going to walk.
I was walking and my strollergot stuck and I just had a

(24:33):
breakdown.
So at that time my son wasabout to start school and I
didn't know what school he wasgoing to go to, because I'm like
, okay, my mom already watchedthe kids.
Who's going to take them?
I don't drive, I can't takethem, I have to go to work, I'm
not going to be able to pickthem up.
Is how I'm going to do this.
I called his dad that day, myoldest, and said I think I'm

(24:58):
going to need you.
Before this, we were were likesplit in a week, three days,
three days, three days back andforth you know we always made it
work with um co-parenting, soshout out to him, he's a great
father.
Um, oh, I think I got lost.
It's a little hard.
Um, I gave I.

(25:18):
Well, I didn't give him, but Iasked his father to take him.
Okay, he's starting school.
I need you.
Like I can't do this.
That was my first time saying Ican't do something.
I need you, I can't do it.
I can't do this by myself, noteven even though you have him.
I can't do this.
I don't care if it's for threedays, I just can't right now.
Um, he needs to go to school.

(25:39):
I was worried about hiseducation at that point.
I do believe that I did parentfor him.
It wasn't about me anymore, itwas about making sure my kid was
okay.
And you reached out, you openedyour mouth and we were just
talking about that, like, uh, Iremember when she asked you um,
did you ever like ask your momthis?
and you were saying really, Inever went to someone when I

(26:03):
needed to, but this is a momentmy first time when you did, you
had to take a moment when, whenthat storm, when that storm,
when that storm came, I got areal cute stroller, a
three-wheel jam and it's bumpingbut here's, here's a point I
want to make.

Speaker 1 (26:20):
You said that you had , initially, with your first
child, that was a disconnect,right.
But when you went to explain,tell us about the storm, you
said this was hard, right.
So was it hard because younever had to ask anybody for
anything?
Or was it hard because you knowyou had to ask his father to

(26:42):
help out?
What?
What made it hard?
Because for me, but at thatmoment there was a connection,
even though you know you work,you come home, you're tired, you
know you're frustrated orwhatever he's crying.
In that moment, when you justsaid, said that what I felt was
a connection to your child.
So was was a connection to yourchild.

(27:02):
So was that a connection to him?
You didn't want to let you.
You know, because you're takingcare of him, you're used to
seeing him, having him around.
So talk about that a little bit, because to me, even though you
say there was a disconnect,okay, I understand that, but
somewhere there was a connection.

Speaker 2 (27:21):
He was around me when I was carrying consistently the
connect.
I believe you know it was justin that moment it was.
I can't allow him to go throughthis.
That's your connection.
I can't allow him to go throughmy decisions.
You can't allow him to suffer.

(27:41):
Yes, through my decisions.
You can't allow him to suffer.
Yes, through my connection,through my decisions.
This is not his decisions andliving, because living in this,
in this dynamic, because of hismother, was just selfish.
I knew in that moment.
It's selfish because I don'twant to say, oh, I'm not, I'm a
great mom, I'm.

Speaker 1 (27:59):
I'm that.

Speaker 2 (27:59):
I'm not taking my kids through something that they
don't have to go through ifthey have someone else to give
them better, and his father washis only child and he was okay
with having her.
When I made that call he saidcool, I got you, I had no
problems, None whatsoever.

Speaker 1 (28:20):
I just want to say that's parenting with a purpose
that is definitely parentingwith a purpose.
So I guess because you put thebest interest responsibility,
taking responsibility, beingactive All along.

Speaker 2 (28:33):
I feel like you was parenting with a purpose,
whether you saw it or not.
Even you saying I got to go geta job, I got somebody else to
feed.
Do you know how many peoplestill choose to like sit around,
knowing their situation istheir situation, waiting for
others to turn it around or todo something, or to make
something happen for them?
You knew that you now not onlyhad to make something happen for

(28:55):
you because things were onpause.
You know, some things were onpause, so now you got to make
something happen for you still,and your babies, and that at
that point in time I was onlythinking about me, though I
can't tell y'all that it wasfully about them.

(29:15):
It was like it's hard for me todo this every day.
It's hard Now I'm in the snow.
It's hard for me.

Speaker 1 (29:22):
But you were doing it .

Speaker 2 (29:24):
So now that I'm older I understand it was for them
and their safety.
It was in that moment.
It was for me.
It was for me Because it wasfor me.
It was for me, it was becauseit was just too hard for me.
I'm getting up early in themorning and I'm.
Can I ask you a question whyyou wasn't driving?
I ain't know how to drive younever.
You never wanted to learn,never desire to get in the car

(29:46):
and go.
No, so you drive now,Absolutely when did you start?
Shoot After number two.
So what the story on getting acar?
I think I got my ex-ex-wifehere and I said I'm going to buy
a car.

Speaker 1 (30:04):
And you didn't have no license.

Speaker 2 (30:07):
I didn't know how to drive.
I didn't have no license.
It's funny because I'm serious.
You're just rolling, you're justdriving, wait wait, I didn't
even know how to drive when Ibought my car.
So, oh man, so okay, I have tofinish the first part before I
can say the second part, becausethis is another thing.
So wait, number two.

(30:27):
You know, his dad wasincarcerated at the time, so I
didn't have to help him.
So I'm like, you know, we'regoing to rock out, though he's
going to go with his dad andwe're going to rock out.
I got you, I got you bobblehead.
I got you, we got this.
My mom going to help me.
Let's go Now.
Once he went with his dad, I'mlike you know, I'm ready, I can
do this, I can do this.
So I'm at Taco and forth tothis job.

(30:52):
They sending me over there.
Oh, different location, yeahdifferent location.
I'm like I have to get a car,but I don't know how to drive.
I don't know how to drive.
Long story short, I'm not goingto go too far into detail with
this.
I actually met somebody while Iwas at work.
I was dating for a little while.
It was not a great experience.
That experience my child had togo through.

(31:14):
I'm really not comfortabletalking about it because it's
just something I like to forgetabout.
But dealing with him in thatmoment and at those times and it

(31:34):
was fast again, because I hadan issue with connecting
relationship-wise, withdisconnecting in my regular life
, you know, I guess it wassomething for me to just like
look forward to.
Okay, you know I need to smiletoo.
I need someone who's going tomake me smile because I am
miserable, like I got this goingon.
I wanted to be this.
I can't be that I was goingthrough all of that.
Something to not make realityreality, like how some people
drink or smoke, right.

Speaker 1 (31:54):
That was like.

Speaker 2 (31:54):
Me, it was Dang.
I'm really saying this it wasmen Not different men but it was
a person in my life.
Okay, I needed that.
For some reason I was needy ofthat at that time.
I said I got my income tax.
I said I'm getting a car.

Speaker 1 (32:12):
I'm not getting nothing else.
I said I got my income tax.

Speaker 2 (32:14):
I said I'm getting a car.
I'm not getting nothing else,I'm getting a car.
I went to Philly.
I paid for that car.
I looked at him and said Ican't drive, I'm not driving
this car back.
Why are you going to get itback?
I said you're going to get somemoney to take it back for me.
It parked in front of my mom'shouse.
So I parked my car.
I'm walking back and forth towork every day.
Still One day it was raining.

(32:35):
I lived.
I moved from Sharon Hill toChester and I said I'm getting
in the car.
My mom said and with who?
I said with him and with myniece.
I got in the car and rodestraight down.
It was a straight ride Straight.
I made it home and the next dayI drove down the street.
It was a straight ride Straight.
I made it home that night.
The next day I drove down thestreet and ran away.

Speaker 1 (32:58):
You did a little bit more.

Speaker 2 (33:00):
The next day I rode down the street to go to work or
to drop my son off and I ran ared light for the first time.
I had no license, butcongratulate me because I got my
license in that same year.
Good, I went and got you knowthat was the first great
accomplishment I had was gettingmy permit.
Okay, I treated that like itwas my high school diploma

(33:22):
because I ain't had that.
I treated that like it was thegreatest I felt so good to
finally do something for myself.
I'm like, okay, I got thisBecause you always felt like you
was doing something for thekids.
I felt like that.
That's probably why I felt likeI was just it's crazy, because
I say I'm doing it for me.

Speaker 1 (33:43):
In my head.

Speaker 2 (33:44):
I felt like I was doing it for me, but it's like I
can't keep letting my drive was.
I can't keep letting us gothrough this and they right
there.
That's wrong.
So now that y'all keep sayingit to me.
It wasn't for me then, becausemy words is not matching how I
felt, if that makes sense.
Or your actions.

Speaker 1 (34:02):
My actions are not.
Your actions were different.
Right, you're saying it was foryou, but in actuality, your
actions cared for your children.

Speaker 2 (34:11):
I was being myself, Because walking through that
ring you had enough.

Speaker 1 (34:15):
Me, your children.
I would be in my house Becausewalking through that ring.

Speaker 2 (34:17):
You had enough Me and this baby cannot keep doing
this, getting caught in thisweather.
I had to be on the bus tojustice, so we got to figure it
out.
They sending me to thislocation, that location.
It's taking me different timeframes to get to work, so I have
to do something else.

Speaker 1 (34:28):
And you didn't give up.

Speaker 2 (34:29):
Yeah, never did, absolutely not so with that baby
.
Never did, um, absolutely notso with that baby.
You know, I learned struggle isis not gonna, it's not gonna
last for long.
But I've, I've always had my aplace.
I've always had that comfort oftheir own home I always had that
, but somewhere, I did not knowwhen, to connect the nurturing

(34:51):
way.
Maybe that's what it was.
It wasn't a nurturing, I wasn'ta nurturer.
So what do you think of like anurturer?
Yeah, what do you consider anurturer to be?
Um, just the characteristictrait of just caring about
others, loving on somebody,affection, you know?
Did you hold them?

(35:14):
Not really, not really, Iwasn't.
I don't remember like, ofcourse I held them, but I didn't
breastfeed, and things likethat so it wasn't something
that's regular Right.
but I'm just saying likesomething that's very close to
me.
I held them, but I think it'sbecause they were crying, or I

(35:34):
mean I was the mom I had to walkaround the house with them on
my one hand and do things likethat, but right, but I don't
think it was like.
I've never been a person whosat down to watch TV or to do
things like that.
I was so busy.
I was a busybody, since a childlike I'm running around the
house cleaning and doing themost and going to the market

(35:56):
with my mom, so like, maybedoing the minimum, you made sure
you did the minimum, so theycould be okay.
No one ever changed my kids'pampers, unless it was my mother
.
I changed their pampers, Ibathed them, I did those things
Not of course, but I did thosethings, but taking that extra
step, like she said, reading tothem, talking with them, you
know, maybe doing card games anddifferent stuff.

Speaker 1 (36:19):
That was down the line.

Speaker 2 (36:21):
That was down the line With those two children
never, Never the park.
No, it was always work, work,work, work, work, work, work,
work, work.
I had two jobs.
All the way up to on my secondchild I had two jobs, so it was
like I was always at work.
The first steps my sister wasthere for baby number two, I was

(36:43):
there for my first son but,like I said, at that point of
time it was like, oh, he walked.
But you know, it was thedifference between baby number
one to baby number four.
When she walked it was liketears coming, things like that.
You were in a different space.
I was in a different because Imean, that was forced on me,

(37:04):
that was forced.
So, um, I'm trying to thinkit's a lot, goodness gracious.
Um, where were we at with himnurturing, because what you
saying like like nurturing, doyou think you were a nurturer?
What is a nurturer to you?
If you don't mind me asking,just spending time with your
child You've got to remember themic.

Speaker 1 (37:24):
Spending time with your child.
I'm sorry I jumped up therelike that the mic.
But just spending time withyour child other than you know,
providing the necessities,whether you're changing a pamper
, just looking at your child,holding them and talking to them
, singing to them, even whenyou're feeding them that was a
conversation or something goingon to stimulate them and bonding

(37:48):
, that's just bonding with yourchild.
I did that with all three of mychildren.

Speaker 2 (37:51):
That happened with baby number three.
I thought experiencing it withbaby number three.
I started experiencing it withbaby number three, so wasn't in
the relationship, but his fathercame home.
Baby number two.
Father came home.
Terrific father.
From day one he was with hisson daily, every single day.

(38:14):
He would come pick him daily,every single day.
He would come pick him up, gothim off.
I got you.
We ended up rekindling andgetting married.
But maybe like three monthsinto our marriage, he got
murdered.
So my son lost a child, I meanmy son lost a father and I lost
a husband unfortunately, thatwas a huge.

Speaker 1 (38:37):
It was huge.

Speaker 2 (38:38):
But, like I said, I didn't have emotions.
I wasn't emotionally connectedto anything.
That's how I knew I wasn't.
I am now, so to be connected toso many things now and not
experiencing those connections,I know I wasn't.
I know I know I wasn't.
I know for sure I wasn'tBecause when it happened I was
just like Physically you're here, but mentally you're not.

Speaker 1 (39:01):
Where's?

Speaker 2 (39:02):
baby number one.
When all this is, is he still?

Speaker 1 (39:05):
with his father.

Speaker 2 (39:05):
Baby number one was coming, all right.
So for those, that was twoyears me being pregnant.
He was there, he went with hisfather.
Once I had my son, maybe likethree months, and um, he was
back and forth, okay, you know,but I only had, um, maybe like
the weekend, but that stopped,that stopped and I probably did

(39:29):
not see my son for a littlewhile, like a year maybe.
I want to, I want to say abouta year, year and a half and was
that like your decision?
because where you were at it wasI was going through too much
and I don't think I stopped andrealized how quick I mean that

(39:50):
time went by.
You were not there.
I never really realized thesethings until they hit me.
And this is with everything.
I never really realized ituntil they hit me.
Why are you not with your son?
What's going on?
And his dad wasn't the type offather that would like push to

(40:12):
do.
He would just let me get myselftogether.
I guess that's his mindset.
That would like push to do.
He would just let me get myselftogether.
I guess that's his mindset.
I would never ask him.

Speaker 1 (40:20):
How he felt in that moment.

Speaker 2 (40:22):
But for me, I felt like I was abandoning my child.
Not that I didn't love him, notthat he wasn't around, not that
I couldn't see him.
It was he's young.
I had to call his dad.
I felt guilty.
I got this baby.
He's just a child, a young kid,and it was just so sheesh, wow.

(40:47):
So let's fast forward.
So we got baby one, we got babytwo.
We know you had the transitionof losing your husband.
Baby one is still with hisfather Majority of the time.
You're seeing him periodically.
My son was coming every weekend, okay, and then that stopped
After he passed away it stopped.

(41:07):
Okay, so you could take sometime to yourself.
Yeah, and you know, try torecoup regather.
So now let's fast forward.
We have.
We have all four now and allfour with you three.
My oldest is around whenever.
He feel like it calls me everyday mom, mom, mom, mom, can I?

(41:28):
Can I when you come in?

Speaker 1 (41:31):
how's the relationship?

Speaker 2 (41:33):
with the four of them amongst each other.
They love each other.
They know each other.
All of my brothers are myfavorite.

Speaker 1 (41:41):
Who's your?

Speaker 2 (41:41):
favorite Me, everybody, all of them.

Speaker 1 (41:46):
I love that.

Speaker 2 (41:47):
So yes, he's around.
I like to give myself a littlebit of flowers this year.
You should the oldest.
I like to give myself a littlebit of flowers.

Speaker 1 (41:55):
This year we played football.
I was there the oldest?

Speaker 2 (41:56):
Yes, I was there every game for the first time.

Speaker 1 (42:00):
Wow, that's awesome.
You should, I was so excited.
You should.

Speaker 2 (42:04):
He's like playing different, like, yes, I'm here,
I get to show up Because I haveto work Fast forward.
I create my own schedules, noone can tie me down.

Speaker 1 (42:16):
Oh, because you're management now, right oh no,
absolutely not.

Speaker 2 (42:22):
Management is what locked me into jobs.
It's not worth it.
It wasn't work.
My mental I feel like I'mlosing out, missing out.
I've been through a lot oftraumatic things.
I had to lose jobs because ofThings that were happening in my
life, because of my decisions,and my babies was more important

(42:44):
.
But my real reason of making myown schedule is my son, my baby
number three.
It's crazy I got to keep sayingthe numbers.
Baby number three was diagnosedwith autism, okay, so I had to
be there more hands on.
Oh, it's, it's time.
The time is now.
This child needs me more handson, more being present, more

(43:08):
that and another traumaticexperience okay, you know, so
with that I'm all right.
So what?
What?
Baby number two into babynumber three.
His father passed away and Irekindled with one of my
childhood forevers that I feltlike was going to be my husband
forever.
Um, got pregnant again, so gotpregnant again very fast.

(43:33):
And this is when we have numberthree.
This is the third baby, yeah,pregnant again very fast for the
third time.
What was going on in Aisha'shead?
Oh, you are selfish.
What is wrong with you?
Are you serious Like, is thisall?
So you like beat yourself up alot.

Speaker 1 (43:51):
Oh, yes, all the time .

Speaker 2 (43:54):
Is this what your life is consistent of?
Like just babies, like nothingelse, just babies, relationships
.
I am not ever worried aboutsaying I have three fathers
because wonderful fathers I pickgreat fathers, just not great

(44:15):
spouses.
Okay, they're wonderful.
My children love their fathers,we have great co-parenting and
I have no issues.
That's awesome.
That's not my problem.
My issue was I wasn't right tobe anyone's wife.
In my religion you get married.

(44:39):
In every religion, I believethey say get married.
But I literally were gettingmarried.
Like I'm getting married.
So having a child so fast,within the death of my ex, was
wild to me.
The death of my ex was wild tome.
I'm like, did I really makethis decision to have another

(44:59):
child?
But with that child I wascarrying alone, I wasn't in a
relationship.
So that was a lot.
So was I not connected?
I was connected on that baby.
Although I worked two jobs, Iwas crying to myself baby, you
know, I hope you be good, but Iwas stressed, a lot of stress

(45:25):
and going to work, coming home.
My second child was like mycaretaker, like he loved me to
death, like mommy, I'm dude'smommy.
He's never left my side.
It was just me and him.
Wow, I'm not going to do thesame thing I did for nobody with
my first son.
Nobody's getting my child.
His father is not here.

(45:46):
Thinking back now, my son waswith his father.
He wasn't with nobody else, hewas with someone who created him
also.
Right, yeah.
Now I'm like, yeah, I'm goingto big myself up for that,
because a lot of people thatwants that don't have that.
So I had that, but with thisone I didn't.
And now I'm carrying a childand my baby is helping me.

(46:08):
I was extremely, extremelydepressed, but not showing it.
Oh, I was extremely, extremelydepressed, but not showing it.
Oh, I was the happiest personon the outside.
No one could tell.
So do you think you had went tothat place for parenting for
self versus parenting for yourchild?
At that time you reverted back.

Speaker 1 (46:26):
I did.

Speaker 2 (46:27):
So when do you think the transition happened?
Because, as I listen, you wereparenting for your children
little, do you know it or not,or are you able to recognize?
However, when do you feel isthat what child?
Do you feel as though you wereparenting for your children, not

(46:49):
for yourself, and what do youconsider to be parenting?

Speaker 1 (46:53):
for your yeah.

Speaker 2 (46:55):
Maybe number three?
I consider that I switched, Idid a switch over, I pivoted.
Is it because when baby numberthree was diagnosed, or did it
happen before?

Speaker 1 (47:09):
No, it happened while I was pregnant with him.
Okay.

Speaker 2 (47:11):
Because I felt like he was conceived by mistake,
because it wasn't a realrelationship.

Speaker 1 (47:21):
You guys were just dealing.

Speaker 2 (47:22):
It was just one time and I got pregnant.
I pumped out months later andI'm like my baby needs me.
This is where I stop.
This is where I stop.
My baby needs me.
Yeah, this is where I stop.
This is where I stop.
My baby needs me.
But going through that processwas a very stressful process
because I don't have nobody torub my belly.
I always felt like you know,when you feel like, when you

(47:43):
have kids with a fairytale life,somebody talking to your belly
hey, I always see it on TV.
You know what I understand andI'm like this is not what I see
on TV.
You know what I understand andI'm like this is not what I see
on TV, like what is going onwith me God, why me?
So I used to pray.

(48:05):
I used to beg God, like please,release all the stress for me,
like please.
But I know I was stressed and Isaid to myself God's giving you
all these kids to love onsomething, correctly?
Hmm, that's when I had a momentwhen my baby gonna be straight,
although it was still stressedwhen it came to the physical

(48:28):
part because I had to workworking two jobs with a baby.
Um, going through the situationthat I was in.
You know it's supposed to be.

Speaker 1 (48:37):
Man.

Speaker 2 (48:37):
I knew it since I was 16.
I wanted this man to be myhusband for my whole life and I
finally got the person that Iwanted but no, not right there,
hon.
So I went through that and Ihad the baby, and his dad ended
up coming back around the day Ihad him.
Was that a good thing?

(48:57):
A bad thing it was a wonderfulthing at that moment.

Speaker 1 (49:00):
yeah, it was a wonderful thing at that moment,
but it wasn't healthy.

Speaker 2 (49:03):
Yeah, it wasn't healthy.
It wasn't healthy in a way thatyou don't deserve it.
I went through all that bymyself.
You don't deserve to have meand my child at this moment, so
why did you feel as though thechild didn't deserve to have the
other?

Speaker 1 (49:19):
people.
I didn't feel that way.
Okay, I didn't feel that way.

Speaker 2 (49:21):
Okay, that's when I started parenting for my
children, not for myself,because of decisions that I've
made.
He wasn't the only one who madethat decision.
I was an acting participant.

Speaker 1 (49:31):
Right.

Speaker 2 (49:31):
So I became pregnant.
That's what you get when you dothings you ain't supposed to do
At the moment you ain'tsupposed to do it.
So I mean I don't blame him fornothing.
So when he did come around, Itook that, as he wants to be a
father, and he never left fromthat day.
He's been there since day oneof birth.
The birth was horrific.

(49:54):
Day one of birth the birth washorrific.
So, um, having that baby thatday, everything happened so fast
.
I went into labor.
My mother was sick.
She lived with me, but she leftthat day to go home.
I went to labor that day on myliving room floor.
wow, after going to the hospitalsending me home on my living
room floor, I'm sitting therelike I'm about to have this baby

(50:14):
.
Today I went to birth and ithappened to be on his father's
birthday.
I had I had.
I went into labor on hisfather's birthday.
I had him the next day.
It was hilarious.
So on his birthday he was sentin an emergency room After us,
not dealing with each other thewhole time Wow.
So, After us not dealing witheach other the whole time, wow.

(50:35):
So I don't know if that was ofcourse.
God made that happen.
He was a great father.
From that point on, we wereparents, we were parents of him,
and my second child was living.
Of course, we were all livingtogether and my oldest, I'm
trying to think, wasn't aroundyet.
Okay, so, still with his father, still with his father, and

(50:58):
still today he's with his father.
Yeah, but that's because I'mthe only child.
Mama, he coming home soon.

Speaker 1 (51:04):
I feel that coming he , coming home soon he ready to
be with Mama.

Speaker 2 (51:08):
That's cool, mama Bear is what I'm saying so
what's?
Your husband Is baby four.
Your husband now no, babynumber four is my ex-husband's.
Okay, so my third and my fourthis by the same father.
Okay, we were married for alittle while and yeah, we stuck
it out for a little while.
So, how is that whole dynamic?
With everyone With their father?

(51:30):
Yes, ooh, father.
Yes, oh yeah, with her daddyevery week, every um he has my
son, um baby number three.
he has some Wednesdays throughFridays and every other weekend
and he also have his daughterevery other weekend and it's a
wonderful um yeah, it's awonderful couple and he's
married.
I love her too, so that's allwe have.

Speaker 1 (51:52):
We have have a family .

Speaker 2 (51:53):
That's my family, it's my second family.
So, with all that you done wentthrough for moms who, because
you didn't mind saying like Ihave child number, this child
number, father this number,father that number.
You know some people don't wantyou to know that, that they
have multiple fathers, or youknow the relationship that they

(52:17):
hold with the other parent anddifferent things of that nature.
You were able to talk aboutthat tonight to the young lady,
to the lady, the female that isgoing through like a situation
similar to yours, not knowingexactly where she wants to go.

(52:42):
She knows things she wants todo, but she doesn't know exactly
where she wants to go.
Because when I heard youryounger self, it was like I
wanted to be a dancer, I wantedto be a backup dancer for Usher,
you know.
But you didn't say you know, myplan was to do this and do that
.
You know, when I get out ofschool, or I was going to drop
out, or, like you said, you knowright, you know.

(53:05):
You said I was expelled, butthis was still my goal.
I had an audition, but Once Igot pregnant, it was like, oh,
everything is done now.
You know, that was your youngerself.
What would you say now, in theplace that you're in, what would
you say to a female that'sgoing through that, whether they

(53:26):
be 16, whether they be 25,whatever age it may be?
Because sometimes we think weput ages on things like oh, I
got to be married by this age, Igot to graduate college by this
age.
Yeah, like that clock that theytalk about.
Yes, what is that clock theycall?
I don't know A time clock.
Yeah, we put a time clock onthings.

Speaker 1 (53:47):
It's not the time clock.
It's the Like like what's thename?
You're just talking about theclock.
When you're having a major,yeah, they put them clocks on
everybody, yeah.

Speaker 2 (53:55):
So it's like you put a time clock on everything you
know.
I mean, it's good to have aplan, it's good to have goals,
it's good to have vision.
However, when obstacles come,when you have to accept your
consequences for your decisions,what would you say to that
younger lady?
At first, I would tell her, ifit's 16 or 18 years old, how

(54:25):
would I say this?
In a very respectful, caringway there's other things out
here outside of having babies.
You don't have to have a babyyoung to grow up with your child
.
We use that.
Oh, I want to grow up with mychild.
I would say to the 16 to18-year-old don't even think
about having a child right now.
If you are in that situation, Iwould say lace your boots,

(54:48):
stand on business and makebetter decisions.
Don't do it continuously.
Again, it's not an easy taskand you're not always going to
be with the person you have akid by.
Whether you're married, young,nothing you are.
You're going to always gothrough trials and tribulations
and can you handle it?

(55:08):
Do you have the characteristictraits to even be that mother at
that age For someone that'sgoing through it or worrying
about saying you know?
what their life is Not even somuch that, except like accepting
, like when you got to the pointand had to say, you know, this

(55:29):
is my situation, this is what Igot to do.
Accepting what you do, I meanyou're not a victim, my
situation, this is what I got todo.
Accepting what you do, I meanyou're not a victim, you're an
acting participant.
Understand that.
Don't be in that victim mindset.
Oh, I had a baby and thisperson ain't doing this, that
person not doing it's about you.
You create great relationshipswith the other parent.

(55:58):
It's up to you on what you wantand if they do not want it,
want it.
Let them be what they are untilthey can't be anymore.
Don't force it.
Focus on yourself, focus onyour kids, because if you keep
focusing on being a victim,you're gonna always have a
victim mindset like you gottamove forward you gotta forward,
but for my babies out there,please don't do it.
Please don't Don't do it.

(56:18):
I don't care if you're in love.
Love is not everything and, tobe honest with you, I was not in
love having these babies Iwasn't.
It had nothing to do with love.
So what was it Just?
Lust or was it just somethingto do?
It was just.

Speaker 1 (56:34):
Or you just wanted a boyfriend, or what was it.
Where were?

Speaker 2 (56:38):
our environment.
It depends on your environment.
I was in front of it At myfront door, that's all that was
there.
It wasn't when my mom wasyounger and they had the movie
theater or the skate rinks.
I was at my front door and Ijumped off the porch late.
So I was at my front door and Ijumped off the porch late.
So I was a you know what jumpoff the porch means no being

(56:59):
outside.
Yeah, I wasn't outside likethat.
I wasn't catching me outside at16.
So I jumped off the porch late.
So it was like I didn't knownothing about the it's dudes
outside.
You was testing the water, I wasjust testing it and I was
always in a relationship.
I was snatched up all the time.
Wow, you know a relationship.

(57:21):
I got older and said I'm notnobody's girlfriend, I gotta be
your wife.
But then I learned that being awife is Not forever If you
don't have the tools.
Being a wife and a mother.
Oh baby, you got a rudeawakening.
You got a rude awakeningbelieving that you're going to
be a good wife and a motherwithout any work.
Yeah, too shy on that.

Speaker 1 (57:44):
So my question to you is how are you and I said
because you have a daughter howare you with your daughter?
How are you gonna be with yourdaughter?
And she's growing and and nowtoday, her day.
Her day is gonna be different,gonna look different from your
yeah, yours looks completelydifferent from mine.

(58:06):
So how are you going to bepresent to be able to have those
important, crucial,life-changing conversations with
your daughter?
What's the impartation to her?
That's a good question.

Speaker 2 (58:24):
Well, it starts now at four.
Oh yeah, my baby.
I realized that I didn't knowwho I was in totality.
I was trying to find who I wasthrough relationships.
I didn't know who I was intotality, I was trying to find
who I was through relationships.
I'm happy when I feel good.
When Now I had to find myself,you know I didn't start doing

(58:45):
like work on myself until aboutmaybe 30, 31.
I say 31 to be safe.
I'm going to be honest 31 to besafe.
I had to step outside ofeverything and say what do you
need for yourself?
So with my baby she's four hasbeen doing affirmations since
she was one.
I love it.
I need her to know that she'sbeautiful, she's strong, she's

(59:09):
loved, she's protected.

Speaker 1 (59:11):
Every day.

Speaker 2 (59:12):
This is her words.
I just added I am respectfulbecause she has to learn how to
not, you know, to get at thatage they start spitting and
things like that.
Oh, yeah, you're respectful yourespectful people, don't do
stuff like that.
Um, I am, um, hold on what'swhat's the other words?
She be adding stuff, I, butshe's a princess, princess.

(59:35):
So I always tell her all thetime you know you're worthy,
you're worthy of whatever youfeel like worthy is, and don't
ever allow nobody to take thataway from you.
Don't ever feel like you haveto build yourself up around
other people for other people.
It's about you.
What I do that I don't do withmy sons.

(59:56):
I don't tell her everything.
I'm very transparent with mysons when it comes to
communicating in the house,because I don't like the
generations.
What goes on in my house staysin my house.
You are a child staying in achild's place in every aspect of
life, because he's not, they'renot, they're not just a child
staying in a child's place inevery aspect of life, because
he's not.
They're not.
They're not just a child, theyare a living human being that

(01:00:19):
needs to use their voice.
I didn't have a voice.
I had a mother that I probablycould have came and talked to,
but I didn't feel like I had avoice because she wasn't the
communicator.
Like how are you when I gotexpelled?
How do you feel I wasdevastated?
Like girl?
Are you when I got expelled?
How do you feel I wasdevastated?
Like girl?
I'm a straight-A student andthey expelled me.

(01:00:39):
You ain't fight.

Speaker 1 (01:00:40):
That's how I felt.
No, I'm with you.
That's how I felt you ain'tfight.

Speaker 2 (01:00:42):
What you ain't fight for me for.
But I mean, maybe she thought,because I was fighting all year
long, you ain't.
Can you know?
So with my daughter it's like Ilimit the things that can maybe
traumatize her.
She asks me every day Mommy,are you happy?
Are you happy today?

(01:01:04):
Because I'm happy today and mybaby is going to be the future
business owner.
So look out for her limits then.

Speaker 1 (01:01:12):
So you encourage and empower her to be her best self
at age four.

Speaker 2 (01:01:16):
All of them and making sure they understand they
have a voice.
My oldest son is nowunderstanding and knowing what
he wants to be, or is adjustinghimself to be something when he
gets older, because it wasalways I don't know.
My 10 year old he wants tostart a hoodie business and
things like that, but he didn'tknow.
I don't know.
My 10 year old he wants tostart, um, a hoodie business and
things like that, but he didn'tknow, I don't know.

(01:01:38):
And finding his identity is nowum, mom, I was my dad.
I was my dad.
Honestly, you probably know yourdad better than I do.
You was around him more and, um, he, you don't know him because
he was only with him for a yearbefore he passed away.
So he now has my husband tohelp him build his confidence.

(01:01:58):
Oh, he's more confident now.
My husband is amazing.
I get a little tear sometimeswhen I talk about him.
He's amazing.
So, coming into the householdhe's still working on my son my
oldest son a little bit Becausehe's more close to me, but I
need him to be that to my oldestson because, I want him.
He's the first man.

(01:02:18):
He's going to be the first manTen-year-old, got some time.
But little man is about to bestepping off them porches and I
don't know what to do.
When your son come to you, askyou about girls, only thing I
can do is don't touch that girlwithout her saying yes.
Don't touch that girl if hermom don't know.

(01:02:40):
Don't kiss nobody.
I don't know what they momteaching them.
Right, nell, I'm with you, asalways.
Thank you so much for coming andsharing um, and I love what.
Oh, I love what you said aboutuh, you're not a victim, you're

(01:03:03):
an active participant and I feellike that goes in a lot that
can fit in a lot of differentareas of your life.
Um, here on Parenting with aPurpose, we've been dealing
mainly with education, right?
So you know we starting the newyear off and then we have a
parent coming on here talkingabout you know your struggle

(01:03:27):
growing up, becoming a parent,when you still trying to figure
out like this is what I wantedto do, right, you know like I
really I feel like I gotta letthis go.
All this is going because now Igotta be a parent.
So all along you was alwaysparenting with a purpose.
You was always takingresponsibility of your actions,

(01:03:47):
of your uh, choices.
You feel me, no, you didn'twant to always accept the
consequences, but you learned tonavigate through them and now
you have four beautiful childrenthat, like you said, be on the
lookout, because the youngestalready knows she want to have a
lemonade stand and I thinkthat's adorable.
That goes to show when youchange up, when you change up

(01:04:08):
your bad habits.
You know my habits were notgreat and it had to be habits
and you knew you needed a change, identifying that you need to
change.
And that's what parenting witha purpose is all about.
It's not about beating eachother up.
It's about coming together,talking Because, as you were
saying, oh, I wasn't a nurturer,I'm not.

(01:04:29):
But as you actually talk aboutit and really listen, you were
the whole time actually talkabout it and really listen.
You were the whole time me.
What I define as nurturing maynot even be Webster's dictionary
version of nurturing, but I didwhat I knew.
Like you said, I did what wasin front of me.
So at one point you had tolearn that I can no longer be a

(01:04:49):
product of my environment.
I can no longer say, oh, i'ttaught this, because now you're
responsible for how you raisedyou as an adult, how I teach
them, exactly Because ourchildren are somebody and they
have somewhere to go.
No, I didn't Exactly.
I know I didn't do my bestbecause I asked my kids was I
doing my best?
But at the time you were.

Speaker 1 (01:05:11):
Because that's what you knew to do.

Speaker 2 (01:05:13):
Yeah, that's what you knew to do were, because that's
what, that's what you knew todo.
Yeah, that's what you need todo and I'm able to give them the
things that they need.
They are able to say it right.
I go to the floor and tell memommy, I don't want that, yes, I
don't like that, I, I don'tlike this hair.

Speaker 1 (01:05:29):
She has her voice, which is awesome, but is there
something that you wanted toleave and watch this?
Do we own our children?
Absolutely we do not own ourchildren.
They are a gift from God, sowe're just here to steward them
the best way that we know how,and I commend you for your
transparency, for yourvulnerability, and I'm sitting

(01:05:50):
here like man.
I could take you as to someschools, talk to a lot of young
ladies, look out for me in thoseschools.
Trust me, sometimes, even whenyou said let me say it
respectfully, when Pam asks youthe question, but sometimes you
got to talk to them, littleAisha's that don't want to

(01:06:11):
listen, you got to meet themright where they at and they're
not going to be okay, no, you'regoing to be like yo, what's up.

Speaker 2 (01:06:18):
Seriously, they do need it.

Speaker 1 (01:06:20):
So they know like, oh , wait a minute.
She's been where I'm going tohead if I don't change up.

Speaker 2 (01:06:27):
I truly believe that these young girls need it.
Like I said, our environment.
They don't have the femaleversions of the programs.
They don't have all of thosethings.
They don't have the big sister,little sister programs anymore.
I mean, I believe we had itwhen I lived in Darby that was
like they used to have them.
Yeah, they see.
I've never been involved inthem here now.

(01:06:47):
When I was in Delaware County,we had those things, even though
I didn't attend because I wastoo worried about myself.
But they had those things andnow it's like young girls are
feeling good about gettingpregnant, about their little
boyfriends.

Speaker 1 (01:07:02):
Oh, I love him.

Speaker 2 (01:07:03):
Yeah, they have TV shows.

Speaker 1 (01:07:04):
They have reality shows, yes.

Speaker 2 (01:07:06):
And what these reality shows are doing for our
kids is destroying their minds.
Yes, social media is destroyingour kids' minds.
My daughter will not be able tohave a cell phone.
No, no, you can't watch YouTube, absolutely not.
Oh yeah, I don't play.
I made that mistake and I'm notdoing it again.
No, you're not going to have avideo game, Because even when

(01:07:27):
you think you're blockingsomething.
read a book, because I'm 33years old getting it together
when Read a book, because I'm 33years old.
Getting it together when itcomes down to being able to stay
in line five minutes to read abook.
I'm reading two pages a day.
I can't even get there yet, andI'm 33.
Come on, and this is somethingthat I desire.
This is something that I trulywant, and it's hard to get

(01:07:52):
because I'm breaking bad habitsJust to do I don't.
I'm going to try my hardest tonot allow them to have the
horrible habits, because ittakes 30 days to gain one.
It takes forever to break acycle and we are breaking cycles
after cycles.

(01:08:12):
Yes, and that's another time,another conversation.
We don't go down that road withme.

Speaker 1 (01:08:18):
I want to encourage you to continue to be
intentional yeah, thank you.
Intentional with who you are asa woman, as a mother, as a wife
, and setting that example andimparting into your children
those things that they'll haveneed of as they continue to grow
.
Absolutely Giving them jewelsthat they can come back and lean
on as they're growing.

Speaker 2 (01:08:39):
That's what I want Absolutely.
I would definitely ditto that,that intentional, because I see
it all on you and even whenthose moments come, just think
of those other 10 great things,those smiles.
Like you said, my mom didn't dothis, but your baby girl is

(01:08:59):
coming to you asking how is yourday, you know?
So that's a point Keep that inyour pocket.
That's something you put inyour pocket for when those
moments come, because of coursethey come.
So, when those moments come,make sure you have those things
in your pocket that you can pullout.
That's going to encourage you,that's going to strengthen you.
And make sure that you have avillage such as parenting with a

(01:09:21):
purpose.
Because here we are, here toempower, to uplift, to encourage
, like no matter what your storywas, what your story is,
because we're always in a storm,going through one or coming out
of one, but it's always around,like when you was going through
that first storm and thatstroller got caught and you said
I got to do something different.

(01:09:42):
I got to do something differentbecause I can't crash out, I
can't, I cannot afford it.
Because I ain't going out, Ican't afford it.

Speaker 1 (01:09:50):
I've been a lot of things.

Speaker 2 (01:09:52):
Being homeless ain't going to be one of them.
Okay, I've been a lot of things, but homeless ain't going to be
one of them.

Speaker 1 (01:09:55):
Okay, I'll be dead, so it's.

Speaker 2 (01:09:55):
Because, no, I know people, I'm with you, I know
people in those situations and Ifeel for them.
Man, and living in storagerooms and living in hotels with
your children, I mean, butlisten, lace them boots and
stand on business.
And my husband where?
Nobody ever tell you thatstanding on business was easy.
It's a hard job.

(01:10:16):
That's in his words.
I'll put you on that.
But again, I thank you so much,aisha, for joining us here on
Parenting with a Purpose, andthen our guest, mary as well.
Thank you for sliding on me,mommy, and pulling up.
I appreciate you, and shout outto Donna Janelle, who is

(01:10:38):
handling business, parentingwith a purpose.
But we thank you all so muchfor joining tonight.
We will be back next Thursday,so stay tuned.
We have another special guestand, as always, 7pm sharp, and
we are on all social medias andall platforms.

(01:10:59):
So make sure you stay engaged,that you stay in touch and, if
you don't have a village, comeget connected with parents and
with a purpose.
Again, I am your co-host,pamela, and you have a wonderful
evening.
Oh, look at my husband, seey'all.
Thank you.