Fatherhood Unfiltered: Navigating the Complex Journey of Parenting and Community Support

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Thank you you.
Hey, everybody, welcome back toParenting with a Purpose.

(01:25):
I am your host, donna Janelle,and I am your co-host, pamela,
and we are so happy to be backhere on this Thursday night live
with Parenting with a Purpose.
As you know, parenting is.
We're bringing back theresponsibility, nobility and
beauty back into parenting.
Right?
As I tell parents all the time,it is not for the weak,
parenting is not for the weaky'all, it is not for the weak,
parenting is not for the weaky'all, it is not.
So tonight we're going to diveinto another perspective,

(01:49):
another aspect of parenting.
Most of the time we have a lotof females on the show want to
talk about parenting the good,the bad and the indifferent,
right.
So tonight we have our guest,akil Parker, who's been on the
show before.
Give it up for Akil y'all.
What's up on the show beforeGive it up for Akil y'all?
So he's been on the show beforeand he's talking about all this
math.
And if you guys remember, whenhe was here, he was talking

(02:10):
about all this math.
It was a lot, it was so muchgoing on.
But this week, tonight, we arediving into his perspective as a
parent, as a father.
He's going to kind of give ushis journey of fatherhood the
good, bad and indifferent andhopefully be able to reach out
to some of the men out there,you know, who have questions
about fatherhood, who havequestions about are they good

(02:31):
enough, not good enough, thethings to do.
What's the next step?
Just really hopefully been ableto reach out to the community
so that we can uplift some ofthese fathers in the
neighborhood.
Because we know God, we knowI'm about to preach y'all.
I said we know God.
Neighborhood because we knowGod, we know I'm about to preach
y'all.
I said we know God, yo, we knowthat it's so important for a
father to be in the household, afather, even if you're not in

(02:52):
the household, to be in achild's life so they, they can
grow strong and be effective inthis world, into this community.
So again, akil, we thank you somuch for coming to the show.

Speaker 2 (03:02):
I appreciate you for having me back and sharing your
platform with me.

Speaker 1 (03:06):
All right.
So I want to start off by youtelling us about how many
children you have, if you'remarried, single, divorced.
Give us a little breakdown sowe know the perspective you're
coming from.

Speaker 2 (03:16):
So I have three children.
I have technically two babymoms and an ex-wife, but when my
ex-wife gets on my nerves, Irefer to her as a third baby mom
.

Speaker 1 (03:32):
Okay, when you said technically two baby moms, I'm
like technically are they babymoms or are they not?

Speaker 2 (03:44):
Yeah, I mean, but I think I joke about that, but I
think that's important forpeople to know because you know
I'm a statistic like a lot ofother people.
You know sometimes you knowpeople that might be of a
different like socioeconomiclevel or different educational
level, like if they have thosetypes of you know parenting
formations that are more frownedupon, like people are more
likely to be more critical.

(04:04):
But you know people out herewith multiple college degrees.
You know sometimes we get itwrong too, you know we.
You know those relationshipsdon't work out.
But you know the importantthing is that you know you
center the children.

Speaker 1 (04:16):
Right.

Speaker 2 (04:16):
And you attempt to be , you know, the best father that
you can be.
You know, no matter what youknow, but yeah so, so yeah, I'm
not not married, was marriedonce, but I have to have three
children.
I have three children withthree, three different people,
and it's interesting.
It kind of reminds me ofteaching, because you kind of

(04:37):
have to differentiate yourapproach.
It's like teachers have to likedifferentiate instruction.
You got to like differentiateyour approach because're dealing
with different people withdifferent personalities,
different.
You know, you know differenttypes of lifestyles and you know
it's it could be a lot tomanage, you know, um, that's why
you know it's like, as you getolder, you realize that you know

(04:58):
it's not the ideal, like thewhole, uh, I guess baby mom
route is not as appealing as itmight seem.
Like when you're young and inyour 20s you just want to be
outside in the streets and youfeel like you know there's
freedom in not being, you know,in those types of committed
relationships and then yourealize that you actually
probably get more freedom frombeing in those committed

(05:18):
relationships you know, and alsoyour priorities change as you
as you get older as well too,but, but, but the focal point is
always, should always be thechildren you know, and also your
priorities change as you as youget older as well too, but, but
, but the focal point is always,should always be the children,
you know, should definitelyalways always be the children,
and, you know, trying to learnhow to be the best parents, you
could be the best father youcould be and you know, hopefully
you have a, have a village,have a support system of other

(05:42):
men that have have been throughsome things that you have yet to
go through and you're able to,you know, seek counsel from them
.
But you got to be careful, yougot to have discernment, because
sometimes the counsel that youget might not be the most
appropriate counsel sometimes.

Speaker 3 (05:57):
Right.
So, akil, I wanted to go back.
You were saying something aboutthe children.
Should, should be the center,like centering the children,
like regardless of what you andthe other parent or uh may have
experienced or going through, orthe reason that you may not be
together, uh, you, you put thataside to make sure that you do

(06:19):
what's best for the children.
What does that dynamic looklike for you, since you have
three different mothers of you,of your three children?

Speaker 2 (06:29):
um, it looks like, uh , it looks like a lot of growth,
looks like a lot of growth.
That's what it, that's what itlooks like.
But, um, but yeah, I meansometimes it, you know it
involves like as honestly, likelike what we might perceive as
taking an L.
You know it might take itbecause it might.
Oh, there, as a father, ok,this is what I want for the
child as a mother, you want thisfor the child, and then.

(06:50):
but the but.
If y'all are at constant odds,then the child ends up not
getting anything.
It's almost like it's almostlike like US Congress like the
Democrats want this, theRepublicans want this, and if
they can't agree, then the wholegovernment gets shut down
Exactly, and everybody suffers.
So sometimes you got to give in,you got to concede what they
say concede in order to winright, because it's really not

(07:10):
about you.
But a lot of times you get intothose arguments and you be
thinking back about, like youknow, the relationship person.
It's like you're not therelationship person, You're the
father.
Now right.
So you got to leave it, you gotto compartmentalize and be like
okay well, this is not.
I'm not boyfriend Akil, I'm thefather Akil.

(07:31):
So my needs and my concern andmy ego is really not important
right now.
It's about what's in the bestinterest of this child.
So sometimes it's like you gotto let her win, or at least let
her think she's winning, let herget what she wants and then, as
long as it benefits the child,you know, just you know, because

(07:51):
it's all about the child andthat's.
I think that's the lesson thatthat we have to learn, and I
guess it can be difficult atfirst, especially especially if
you're a man that is accustomedto getting your way, a lot Like
maybe when you were being raised.
Maybe you had parents thatalways gave you your way, maybe
you had a mother that alwaysgave you your way.

Speaker 1 (08:07):
Right.

Speaker 2 (08:08):
So you just have that expectation.
In any type of relationshipthat you're in, you always want
to get your way Right, andthat's what you're accustomed to
.
But now it's not about you,right?
You know, it's about the child.

Speaker 1 (08:19):
That has me going back to one of my first
questions was like can youdescribe your journey into
fatherhood?
And then the second part ofthat is how did it change your
life?

Speaker 2 (08:29):
Well into fatherhood.
So my son, who's here and I seehim, he's over there.
His name from the Arabic meanswell.
It has two meanings a newbeginning and also a fresh
breath of air.
I think the fresh breath of airis more symbolic, but that
meaning really struck an accordwith me, because when I had him,

(08:51):
I became a father.
That was the first time in mylife where I saw that there was
another human being whosewell-being was more important
than my own.
Right, I never put anybody'swell-being on a consistent,
regular basis, you know, aheadof my own Right.
I never put anybody'swell-being on a consistent,
regular basis, you know, aheadof my own Right.
It was a very generally aselfish person, right, you know,

(09:11):
growing up.
But I said, ok, well, now I gotto put somebody before me now.

Speaker 3 (09:16):
Right, right.

Speaker 2 (09:17):
So that's when you know, that's that's pretty much
how he got his name, where hisname came from.
Plus, like when he was mom wasabout to go into labor, I
remember, because he, like, wewere in the hospital all night
and a young boy kind of like abig head so he was like he was
like swelling her cervix, hercervix was swelling, so they
said we got to do an emergencycesarean, right?
So I think I, like you know, heput on all the scrubs and

(09:39):
everything.
You go and go into theoperating room for the cesarean
to be, you know, with the mother, you're going to go into the
operating room for the cesareanto be, you know, with the mother
, and I think I felt like Istarted hyperventilating.
OK, so it also was like anappropriate name because of that
too.
But, but, yeah, but I think thatwas the one that at that point
in particular, point in time inmy life, I started to kind of
look at the world differentlyand, you know, I kind of really

(09:59):
shifted my, my values and myideals, you know, and I had to
put you know another person youknow ahead of me, which was
helpful because then later Iended up, maybe within a year
after that, I ended up becominga classroom teacher.
Okay, I went into education,became an educator full time and
as an educator you definitelygot to put other people's

(10:22):
well-being ahead of your own,because you got, you know, a lot
of students that you got to be,that you're responsible for, um
, and you know teaching is a lotlike parenting.
You know teaching is is a lotlike parenting.
A lot of the same positivequalities that good parents have
are very transferable and youknow we use those in the
classroom, you know was it hardfor you to adjust, not being

(10:43):
about yourself anymore once youbecame a father?

Speaker 1 (10:46):
was it difficult?
Because a lot, of, a lot ofpeople, male or female, find it
challenging to say, okay, eventhough I love this individual
right, but I still have my oldways, I still have my old
thoughts and you know, I likewhat I like when I like it and
then when kids come around, theymake you feel like the craziest
, dumbest, threeest dude in theworld.

Speaker 2 (11:04):
sometimes I mean, I would say it was, you know, with
my first child.
It was a transition, but I willsay, you know, with, in all
fairness, you know, in respectto you know, nassim's mother,
even though we had ourdifferences, she really did the
lion's share of the work.
You know, she did the lion'sshare of the work, so she
actually made it easy.
She made it easy for me, in away.
Shout out to her.

Speaker 1 (11:31):
We're in a good place now and I'm on tape right, this
is live.

Speaker 2 (11:36):
This is live and it's on the internet forever.

Speaker 1 (11:39):
Show this to your mom .
Show this to your mom.
That's good, though.
My other question is what hasbeen the most rewarding aspect
about being a dad?

Speaker 2 (11:48):
oh man, it's so many and the most challenging.

Speaker 1 (11:50):
So there's two parts the first one, what's the most
rewarding, and then what's themost challenging most rewarding?

Speaker 2 (11:56):
um, just witnessing you know.
So I would say the mostrewarding and the most
challenging is probably the samething.
Um, okay, watching them grow up.
Watching them grow up isrewarding, just to see your
children become like you know.
You know to go through differentlevels and different stages,
and phases of their existenceand to become, like you know,
more and more and moreindependent right, you know,

(12:18):
self-sufficient, um human beingsis rewarding, but then it's
also sad at the same time,because it's a reminder that
time flies and sometimes youjust want to go back to that
time when you were the center oftheir universe, because then
they get older.
It's like my daughter.
She could care less if shespends time with me.

Speaker 1 (12:37):
How old is she?

Speaker 2 (12:38):
She's 12.
She's about to be 13.
She's at that age.
She only texts me when sheneeds something you know.

Speaker 3 (12:47):
It hurts.
They got so much stuff going onin their world.

Speaker 1 (12:49):
Now it's something else.

Speaker 2 (12:52):
I miss her being my baby girl, you know, but at the
same time I see her Coming intoher own, coming into young
womanhood, navigating the worldand the society, and I just hope
that you, you know, I'veprepared um her and well, all,
all of my children, you know, asthey grow.
I guess that's, I guess, Iguess, connected to that

(13:15):
question is like one of my fears, one of my worst fears, is that
I have, I have may have, failedto prepare them for the world
that's out there, cause it's alot, it's a lot, it's a lot out
there.
You can't prepare them foreverything you can.
Only you can do, try to do yourbest, but you know it's.

Speaker 1 (13:31):
It's crazy because, as a parent, as we watch our
kids grow, it's like we we wantto make sure that we supply them
with all the tools necessaryfor them to be successful.
And at the same time as they'regrowing though, it's kind of
like I want them to grow, butwait, stay back a little bit.
It's like a struggle up anddown, in and out, and as the
older they get, like when theystart to voice their

(13:52):
independency, and it's like,well, I'm still the mom or I'm
still the dad, but yet you stillhave a voice too, and I want
you to be able to grow andmanage and be able to.
I don't have to micro manageyour life, but at the same time,
we're so used to micro managingour children's life that
sometimes it becomes challenging.
I will tell you with my secondto the oldest, the 18 year old,

(14:13):
the one that's in the marines.
So you know, try to make surethat she got everything that she
needed so that she could besuccessful in the world, prepare
her for the marines andwhatever else the world has to
offer.
So this past christmas she shepranked me, right.
Let me tell you what she did,and I was so like I had to share
this, because we talk aboutletting our kids grow and hoping

(14:36):
we put the best thing in them.
So we knew that she was cominghome for christmas and we won't
see her probably for anotherthree years now.
So we were all excited for herto come Christmas.
I'm telling everybody at workshe's coming home.
So then she was supposed tocome home.
Uh, one day and I was callingher all week, I was texting her,
I was calling her all week.

(14:56):
I'm not getting no responsefrom this girl, like normally
we're talking, we're texting,you know what's going on no
response when I tell you, likenot one thing.
So I'm like immediately startedpraying, like all right, I feel
something happened, but I don'tknow what happened.
So I'm like I feel somethingdifferent in my spirit.
Something's happened.
And finally, one day she calledme and I was like what's going

(15:20):
on?
She said I got to tell yousomething.
And I'm like okay, what's goingon?
She said I got to tell yousomething.
I'm like, okay, what's going on?
She was like I'm not cominghome and I was like I kind of
felt that and she was like I didsomething really bad.
So now I'm like what do you dobad?
Is it going to make you like nolonger be a Marine?
She was like I don't know, butI can't come home for the

(15:40):
holiday and I'm up forevaluation about what happened.
So I'm like what you do, right?
So now I'm a certain mom, like,all right, I thought I put
everything in you so that youcould be okay.
This girl tells me.
So I went out with my friendsand I was drinking.
This is what she, this is thestory she told me.
I went out with my friends, Iwas drinking, I got really drunk
and I started fighting.

(16:00):
I was fighting somebody.
So here it is, it's a mom.
I'm like okay, take a deepbreath.

Speaker 3 (16:06):
So I'm like calm down and in my head like, oh my God.

Speaker 1 (16:09):
And I said, listen, we had this conversation about
drugs and alcohol.
So I'm talking to her and notlike trying to snap out on her
and being like so disappointed.
I was like, listen, this is whywe had those conversations,
because I know what's out therein the world.
So we're talking and she's likestarted crying and everything
and I'm like, all right, I can'tdig a hole in her because she's
already feeling bad about thesituation.
But in the back of my head it'slike yo, I thought I prepared

(16:31):
this girl for this stuff, likethis.
So the next day, all right, Iprayed with her.
I even got so deep.
I prayed with her on the phone,she on the phone crying.

Speaker 2 (16:41):
It's a pretty good prank.
Yeah, the next day listen.

Speaker 1 (16:44):
The next day I'm sending her scripture, I'm
sending her motivational, I'msending her a motivational
YouTube thing, I'm sending aless Brown, I'm sending, like
all these stuff, dion Sanders,like I'm sending her all this
stuff the whole day, no response.
I'm like, okay, guys, so I'mpraying, don't?
You know?

(17:04):
I'm at work and I my myco-worker, her daughter was in
the army and her daughter wascoming home and I was like, yeah
, unfortunately my daughter'snot coming home.
You know things got messed up,you know paperwork got messed up
or whatever, because I ain'tgonna tell her that she decided
to be a drunk or whatever.
Right, she said, well, what ifit's a prank?

(17:24):
She said that that same night.
I said it ain't no prank,because she wouldn't do nothing
like that.
That's not her, it's not hercharacter.
So I get off of work, I go homeand I'm still disappointed I'm
not gonna see my daughter forChristmas, right?
Because then I'm like I don'tknow where I'm gonna see her,
because apparently she's goingto Japan, so I don't know when
I'm going to see her.
I walk in the door, y'all, andI walk in the door and I'm
fussing at my other daughterbecause it's like she cooked and
there was smoke all in thehouse.
I'm like I'm about to die.

(17:45):
Here comes Lizzie walking downthe steps.
I cried, oh, she was home.
She was home Because you textme like she's not coming home,
yeah.
I was like, so she texted me.
Well, I walked in the house.
She walks down the stairsBecause I'm like who else is in
my house?
And she walks down the stairs.
I cried like a baby and I saidall that to say that we have to

(18:10):
trust what we put in our kids.
We have to trust that they'reliving the right way and they're
doing the things and that kidsare going to make mistakes right
, because that's just life andthat's their journey are going
to make mistakes right, becausethat's just life and that's
their journey.
But I second guessed myself whenshe told me all this
information.
I was like dang, I was a badparent.
I thought I did A, b and C orwhatever.
And the fact that she justwanted to surprise me, that she
didn't want nobody to know, likethat girl been home since three

(18:31):
o'clock that day in theafternoon, all that time at my
house, I never knew.
But just knowing that it's soscary to be able to allow your
child to like to flourish, to go.
Because we want to hold on tothem, because we want to, we
want to protect them Right, butwe have to understand that what
we put in them, they're going tohave to use that in whatever

(18:54):
way they feel necessary to useit and hopefully it's in the
right way.
But, I was so at that moment Isaid I shouldn't have let her go
to the service.
Look like.

Speaker 2 (19:03):
You know what's important about that too.
That people should understandis like, even if there had not
been a prank and that actuallyhappened that would not
necessarily mean that you are abad parent right because you
know I mean, human beings makemistakes, we make bad choices
sometimes, um, but as long asyou did whatever you could do to
instill in her certain ideasand certain values and provide a

(19:24):
foundation, Right.
Because, you know, children aregoing to go off and do what they
do.
I mean, I went off and didcertain things that my parents
wouldn't have agreed with, but Iwas always able to kind of
bounce back and I was alwaysable to land on my feet because
of what I was taught.
Kind of bounce back and I, like, was always able to land on my
feet because of what I wastaught, and not just well from
my parents but from other eldersand old hands in my community.

(19:44):
Good teachers I had, um, evenif I deviated and veered off, I
still, you know, I was able toland on my feet when things kind
of got got a little crazy, um,and I think that's an important
thing yeah like we as parentshave to do, just try to just
provide the lessons and theinsights and and don't go all in
on them when they do somethingwrong, like that's one of the
things she said.

Speaker 1 (20:04):
She appreciated, though she and when we, when it
was all said and done because Ididn't know if I wanted to beat
her or hug her, like I didn'tknow what I wanted to do,
because I was just like what areyou serious?
But she said to me, she saidone of the things that I
appreciate, she you know she'slaughing about we sending all
this stuff she said but you gaveme space to mess up.
Yeah.
She said that you offer someencouragement, you offer telling

(20:27):
me that it's okay, we all makemistakes.
She said you didn't go in on melike I was the worst person in
the world, that I was terrible,you know all this stuff.
She said you offered a spacefor me to mess up and she said I
thought you were going to be somad that you were just going to
be angry about it, but youshowed me something different,
yeah, and I was like, wow, andshe's the top of the class.

(20:48):
So I thought she messed upeverything about to get out the
service.
But no, she's a second in herclass, so but it for a lesson
for me as a parent, it's likelisten, do what you can do, and
like let children and let God dothe rest, like you can't
control, like they're not robots, right, we can't control them.
All we can do is control whatwe do.
How do we what we put in them?

(21:10):
And then also, are we going tobe like a thermostat or are we
going to be a thermometer?
We going to be a thermometer,so when, if I would have reacted
to the situation, I would havebeen a thermometer, really,
because I would have thetemperature of me would have
went up because of theatmosphere, right, like because
what she's presented, instead ofbeing um responded, I was like

(21:31):
I would have been reactive,right, and that doesn't really
help or fix the situation oreven give some kind of grace to
that situation.

Speaker 2 (21:40):
So I'm glad you bring that up because that's that's a
challenge for me.
That's always been a challenge.
He can attest to that.
Like you know, he's 19 and youknow I, like we were talking
about earlier before we startedrecording, is that like he was?

Speaker 1 (21:54):
the.
Unfortunately he was the guineapig first child.

Speaker 2 (21:55):
You know, I've learned a lot of lessons and,
I've like, made a lot ofmistakes in terms of raising him
.
And you know some of the samemistakes with my daughter, who's
12, but not as many, and youknow but with my youngest you
know, who's five.
Now, hopefully, I won't makeany of those mistakes, Because
one of the things that, if Icould be honest and
self-reflective, I would saythat I really did a poor job of

(22:19):
providing him, and even like hissister, with space to make
mistakes.
I got it I didn't make it seemlike it was safe.
You know, and I mean I have myreasons for that, because I mean
I'm out here, like you know,I'm studying, like you know,
black history real heavy and I'mlike I understand how America
is for black men and it's like,you know, you gotta, you gotta,

(22:39):
be on point, and you know, andI'm like I'm really trying to
prepare you for this world thatwe in, but I wasn't able to like
really balance that you know,that desire to like make sure he
was on point.
So when he goes out here intothis, this white man's world,

(23:05):
he's able to navigate and geteverything that he needs and
everything that he wants, whileat the same time letting him
feel that if he does make themistake, it's okay, right.
So that was something that Ireally did a poor job of and I
try to do better at that, likenow, now with him at this stage
in his life, because, you know,I'm still parenting him, but
it's just a different type ofparenting.
Like he's 19 now, so like theparenting role changes, is
different from when he was nineor when he was five, because he
needs different things now,right, which is something I'm

(23:25):
still learning, which is also aninteresting thing about
parenting is like, as childrenare constantly growing and
learning and we as parents, Iguess, are constantly growing
yeah, absolutely because becauseall roles change.
as the parent that you are toyour newborn baby, your newborn
baby needs certain things.
Right, that your five-year-olddoesn't need.
Your five-year-old needsdifferent things.

(23:46):
Your 10-year-old needsdifferent things.

Speaker 1 (23:48):
Your 15-year-old needs different things, yeah.

Speaker 2 (23:50):
Then your 20-year-old , and then, if you end up with
40-year-old, 50-year-oldchildren, they're going to need
different things.
They're still your children.
They're grown men and women,but they're still children.
They're still going to haveneeds.
So your role as a parent isconstantly shifting.
And then when?

Speaker 1 (24:04):
you've got multiple children at different ages then
it's like okay well.

Speaker 2 (24:10):
I've got to do this with this one and I've got to do
that with that one.
Again, we're back to teaching,classroom teaching,
differentiating instruction.
Yeah, I got to give differentthings to different, to
different kids, but I think it's, you know, it's also important
to recognize, like, when wecould have did better.
You know when we could have didbetter, because a lot of times,
like you know, some people arekind of imbued with this idea.
Well, you know, I'm the parent,so I'm right.

Speaker 1 (24:32):
You know, you got to be like.

Speaker 2 (24:35):
What is it again?
Back to teaching a reflect.
We call it a reflectivepractitioner.
You got to constantly reflectand think like should I have did
that?
Should I have talked to himlike that?
Should I have talked to herlike that?
Did I go too hard or did I notgo hard enough?
You know Right.

Speaker 1 (24:49):
It's almost like a thin line, like you're
constantly evaluating yourselfand parenting, no matter what
age they are.
You know, I can tell you, and myfirst daughter is totally
different than parents and thesethree younger ones like with
her, like you said, like Ididn't give space for mistakes,
it's like it was almost like ithad to be perfect like
everything had to be perfectbecause, um, where I came from,
where I grew up right and amindset that you're going to be

(25:10):
better than and I remember and Ishared this story before on
heroes when she had had thatconversation was like mom, why
do we have to live a porcelainlifestyle?
I was like porcelain lifestyle,like what that mean.
You know I'm like I didn'tteach you all this stuff in
school, what that mean, butbasically what she was saying to
me is that everything has tolook good, be good and perfect.

(25:31):
Like you sit it up on a shelflike there's no flaws in it,
there's nothing, there's noissues, you know very fragile
right, so so you don't want itto fall down and break, so
you're doing everything toprotect it how people used to be
, like in the living room.
You had plastic on your couch sothat nobody sit on your couch
and mess it up.
You're sweating everything onthis plastic right.

(25:51):
So that's the same thing thatshe was trying to get me to
understand.
I think she told me that whenshe was like 13 and 14 and I
didn't.
I didn't understand it as wellas I do now.
It's like you want to createthese again.
They're not robots, right theyhave.
They're human.
They have thoughts and stuff,and a lot of times in parenting,
especially when we're parentingour first child, it's we put on
them what we want them to be,not necessarily what they want

(26:13):
to be, and I think, um, not thatthey have to live their life,
our life through them orwhatever, but you want certain
things to be a certain way forthem so that they don't make the
same mistakes, they don't runinto these troubles.
You want to protect them so much, but a lot of times when we do
that, we do more harm than good,even though we're not
intentionally trying to harm ourkids.

(26:35):
But by not doingself-reflecting, not really
giving space for them to have avoice, we damage them more.
So then they grow up and they30 and they still in a therapy
office talking about my mom andyou, like I did the best that I
could.
Well, there are some thingsthat we could have done better
and moving forward.
How do we change?
And and I think for me thatchanged the trajectory of
parenting.

(26:55):
For me is when she began Iallowed her some space to have
that conversation and I neverlooked at it like that.
I looked at it.
I'm trying to make sure every A, b and C is done, but she's
looking like I want to be free,I want to be me.

Speaker 3 (27:07):
I want to explore.

Speaker 1 (27:08):
I want to figure out what I like, not you telling me
what I like.

Speaker 2 (27:10):
Yeah yeah, and I reflect because reflecting is
like, like that takes time.
It takes, like you know,moments when you're at peace,
but a lot of times in ourenvironments and in our society,
like you might be a personworking two, three jobs and you
constantly on the go, and thenyou like raising your children

(27:31):
and doing this and doing thatand trying to stay active with
this organization or whatever,and you might not have time to
just sit still and just justthink and just reflect.
So I can see how it could be achallenge.
You know to be reflective andyou know, and then you got to
value that too.
Like you got to value likebeing reflective and like
looking at your parents, youknow, and you kind of got to see

(27:54):
it as like a marathon, you know, not a sprint, like something
that's never ending.
It's like being a lifelonglearner, like a marathon.

Speaker 1 (27:59):
You know, not a sprint, like something that's
never ending.
It's like being a lifelonglearner.
Absolutely, you're a lifelongparent.
It's almost like you can neverbe a perfect teacher.

Speaker 2 (28:03):
You can never be the perfect parent Right but you can
constantly improve.
And then you're going to havegood days.
You're going to have bad daystoo, Because some days you might
be up.

Speaker 1 (28:15):
Some days you might be down what's up like?
Like you're really testing myinner gangster today.
But I think that's the joy ofparenting, right?
I think the ups and downs andthe outs, but at the end of the
day, even the hardships and thehard times when you reflect back
that you can find some type ofjoy in a situation or
circumstance um but even though,as you said you, we can see why

(28:39):
it's difficult sometimes forpeople to reflect, right, I call
it reevaluate, self-evaluationbecause of busy lives.
But now is the time where weneed to change that, although
that's the reason, right, hey,I'm too busy, I can't do A, b
and C.
But the other question I wouldhave for somebody, when somebody
says they're too busy toself-reflect or even just take
that time out, how is lifeworking for you now while you're

(29:01):
not doing it?
You know how's your parenting?
How are you doing?
You know?
Do you have?
Because, again, if we're givingall this energy to the world,
to my job, to other people, whatare we even giving to our
children?
Like they're getting the bareminimum of us right?
Waking up, hello, how you doing?
You know?
A three second, how was yourday?

(29:23):
Not even really reflecting,even in their life, because
we're so busy.
So sometimes even the busynessof world, of the world, can
cause chaos in the house,secretly, silently, and not even
know it yeah so how do we showup for our kids, how do we be
the parents we need to be, evenwith the high demand on the

(29:43):
world?
but, honestly, our children aremore important than the world
absolutely so I used to havethat excuse like I'm too busy, I
can't sit down, I can't do this, I can't do that.
But then I thought, well, whatis the priority here?
So sometimes we think working,doing a, b and c is the priority
, because we need food in ourtable, closing our children back

(30:03):
in the shelter and that's likethe back in the day approach,
like they got to eat, rightright, they got to be close,
they got to have somewhere tolive.
But their emotional and mentalstandpoint is very important now
.
But before, children were seen,not heard.
Now we live in a day and agewhere we need to hear our
children and see them.

(30:25):
So how do we do that, akil?
How do you do that?
I know that's heavy right Inparenting.
It's a challenge.
It really is, because, again,what you said earlier is taking
away your ego and not beingselfish about it.
So how do we as men?
Because it's hard, do we as?
How do men?
Because it's hard.
You know, moms, we do a lot ofdifferent stuff.
But from a man perspective, howcan that balance happen where

(30:47):
you're really in tune andpresent with our children?

Speaker 2 (30:51):
I would say well, I guess it just well.
One thing you can do is justcreate situations where you're
spending time with them on aregular basis.
Create situations where you'respending time with them on a
regular basis, and a lot oftimes those, those conversations
, will just organically comeabout, you know, but you got to
figure out ways to to createthat time, you know, and create
those opportunities, whetherit's, like you know,

(31:12):
volunteering at the school, ormaybe I know a lot of people
that have, like you know, theythey started out coaching, like
little league, baseball orbasketball or football, really
because they, they want to spendtime with their child, like I
wanted my son.
My son and my daughter wasgoing to play.
So, like, all right, I'm acoach.
And then you spend time withother people's children too, but
but you spend time with yourchild right, because your child

(31:32):
is on the team and you knowthere's a lot of creative things
that we can do.
You know, once you put your mindto it, you know and you might
say, well, you know, look atwhat other people are doing,
like, how are other people inyour community or even in your
own family like, how are theyable to spend time with their
children outside of, just, youknow, being inside the house
with them, you know.
Or those you know rides toschool or whatnot, and then,

(31:56):
just you know, try to see ifthat can work for you too.
And then you end up just havingthose conversations with them,
you know, with your children,and finding out, you know, what
they care about, what they don'tcare about.
You know what they like, whatthey don't like, and sometimes
you need to read between thelines because your children
might not be as descriptive whenyou ask them questions.
Whether it's because they maybemay not have the ability to

(32:19):
articulate how they really feelabout things, or whether it's
because they maybe may not havethe ability to articulate how
they really feel about things,or whether it's because they
don't feel as comfortable withsharing certain things with you
Either way, like you kind ofjust got to sit back and just
kind of watch and observe, andyou know, and also see how they
interact with other people aswell, at other people as as well

(32:42):
, you know.
Um, so yeah, I say like one ofthe things we can do as fathers
is to just try to createopportunities to just be around
your children more than thannormal you know like be present,
show up and really be involved,active and especially like so
in co-parents and formations,especially because a lot of
times in co-parenting, themother may be doing the lion's
share and she may be the primarycustodial parent, and the child

(33:06):
is spending more physical, moreactual time with the mother.
So the quantity of time thatyou're spending with your child
may be less.
So what you have to do is youhave to increase the quality of
that time.

Speaker 1 (33:18):
There you go, so when ?

Speaker 2 (33:19):
the quantity of your time is less, you got to
increase the quality of thattime.
There you go.
So when the quantity of yourtime is less, you got to
increase the quality of thattime and that's when you get
creative and you figure okay.
So if I got to be the weekenddad right now, on these weekends
, we got to really make theseweekends pop.
We got to make something happen, and it's not just about
spending money and being the fundad.

(33:42):
We got to go to this place andthat place and we always hanging
out, but we're actually doingthings that you know.
We're spending quality time,things that our children are
going to actually remember.

Speaker 1 (33:52):
I like that I like that quality because a lot of
people rant.
Oh, I spend time with my kids,I spend that quantity, that
everything is always in numbers,right, right, you all this math
.
So everything yeah, yeah, yougotta quantify it, the numbers,
but in actuality, like thequality is so important because
the impact that you can make insuch a short period of time, you
know it could be lastingforever.

(34:13):
Yeah, so I always tell peopleyou know when they talk about I
spend a lot of time with kids.
So I'm like break it down.
So I ask them to break down thetime and what they're actually
doing with their children andthen they realize I'm here, but
not here and as much as possible, what you want to do too right,
because this happens a lot,right?

Speaker 2 (34:30):
um, the child is technically with the father, but
the father's doing him right.
The child is actually with hisor her grandma.
Yeah, that's right so as afather, you got to figure out a
way to take your child with you.
If you want to be outside, beoutside, but be outside with
your child.
And if it's cold outside, makesure the baby got a coat on,

(34:52):
right.
But you know, like you know,spend that time, really.
Spend as much time as possible,like you know.
Spend that time, really.
Spend as much time as possible,like you know, with your
children.
Don't just be like, well, youknow, don't do it just to make
it seem like to try to impressthe mother and make the mother
think that the child is reallyyou're playing your part, when
you're not really playing yourpart, because you know the girl
might stalk you or she mightstalk you on Instagram anyway,
and she see you at the bar.

(35:13):
Why are you posting pics andstories?

Speaker 1 (35:15):
Where my son at, where my son at.
Then you get a phone call.
Who got my daughter?
That's what all that extrastuff come in at you got to post
your pics with your kids.

Speaker 2 (35:25):
You got to post your pics with your kids.

Speaker 1 (35:29):
Don't have the kids in a bar, though Show that
they're around when you'resomewhere.

Speaker 2 (35:32):
If you want to be outside, be outside with your
kids, right.

Speaker 1 (35:36):
I like that.
That is so true because a lotof conflict does happen in
situations like that.
Well, I've seen you on Facebookand then there's a back and
forth thing that's not evennecessary.
It's like listen, just don't.
We don't have to play aroundwith this.
Like if you're gonna, becausefor me, like as a mom, if, if my
child is going with their dadand they not with their dad,
they could be with me.

(35:56):
So stop playing.
Like, if you like no, seriously.
Like I don't like that pseudostuff.
Like, yeah, if you're gonna takehim and you're gonna be with
him and do whatever you only gotevery other weekend, let's get
that straight.
So let's count that.
Let's count the hours, right,so you only have this short
period of time because you'renot showing up during the week,
right?
So if you're gonna have him forthe weekend, you're gonna

(36:17):
remove him from my house for theweekend.
You better make it worth it,like spend time with my kid.
If not, he could be home and Icould be doing something else
with that kid.
And I think a lot of timesagain, people look at oh, I got
my kid every other weekend.
Or like I'm taking care of myresponsibilities, right, but are
you really so?
I like that you said that,because a lot of times people

(36:37):
they push them off to thegrandparents, to the aunts or
even the new girlfriend at homewith the kids and their kids and
you're really not takingresponsibility for your kid,
you're just providing somewherefor them to hang out.

Speaker 2 (36:49):
And there is, of course.
I don't want to minimize thevalue of children spending time
with their grandparents.

Speaker 1 (36:53):
Oh no, no, that's family, but let's keep it real.
I don't want to minimize that.
But yeah, cousins andeverything, I don't want to
minimize that.

Speaker 2 (36:58):
But yeah, like to your point.
Sometimes it's like you know.

Speaker 1 (37:01):
I want them to know their family, but I want them to
know their dad too.

Speaker 3 (37:04):
So would the grandparent or the uncle contact
you if?
They wanted the child to invest, the father taking it upon
himself to do that.

Speaker 1 (37:10):
Yeah, because here's the thing like, well, that's so
important about relationships,right, even in extended families
, right?
So, even though the father orwhatever you have that type of
relationship, but you shouldhave relationship with the
grandparents as well, becausewe're now in a community,
because it takes a village toraise children, right?
So I'm already going to be acommune with the grandparents
and already have the child'salready spending time with the

(37:32):
grandparents as well.
What I'm saying is that don'tjust play me like that, like you
about to come get my kid andspend time with him and you
dropping him off at your mom'shouse because you want to do
what you want to do.
No, I'm serious, like thathappens a lot and then you try
faking, you know, like, oh, Ihave my kid.

Speaker 3 (37:46):
Well, kids talk, so they are telling you yeah, they
be, like I was at grandma'shouse today.

Speaker 1 (37:53):
We cooked some black eyed peas.
It real is like because we gotto really be intentional.
I want to hone in on thatbecause a lot of times people
think that they're doing things.
You know, there's a way thatseems right, right and people
think that they're doingsomething they're not really
understanding.
You're really not doing whatyou say you're doing.
And this is so importantbecause it's about our kids and
if you ask any kid what's theone thing that they want from

(38:17):
their family, their parents, andthey say time and time, meaning
not just like family, theirparents.
And they say time and timemeaning not just like they spell
it love.
You know, they say time is loveand love is caring and
participating and involving me,right.
So if we're not doing that,we're not being having.
Parents are to the fullest.
We're just really minimizingand really just tiptoeing around

(38:41):
the real issue and we can seehow our children are in the
world right now and we can seewhy parenting is so important
for us to be effective, so what?
that's why I'm saying not sayingthat they can't be with other
people, but at the same time,let's get it real like I need
you men to step up.
I need you moms to step up.
Spend time with you moms tostep up, spend time with your
kids, spend quality time withyour kids, do stuff with your

(39:02):
kids, so that they're not justsaying, oh, I hung out with such
and such, I saw my dad or I sawmy mom, right, but I didn't
really have no interaction withthem and that's the problem.

Speaker 2 (39:13):
Yeah, and I want the brothers to understand this too.
Man Again, brothers understandthis too.
Man, like those again, yourchildren are gonna grow up fast.
Like time waits for no man,like they're gonna grow up fast.
So take advantage of thoseopportunities.
And I think also we have toconsider that we have to start
to like covet ourresponsibilities and not allow
people to take away ourresponsibilities, because that

(39:34):
can happen too.
But I think if we, if we placemore value in in fatherhood and
not just kind of see it as like,oh, I gotta do this again, like
like a job we don't like.
Yeah, I mean like you know, uh,and, and you know it's because
you know the fun stuff is, likethe graduation, the birthday
parties.
You know we're showing up tothe birthday party.
Sometimes organizing thebirthday party can be stressful,

(39:55):
but you know it's like the yougot to be there for the stuff
that's not so fun, like exactlyoh he's throwing up all over the
place.
So now I gotta we gotta cleanall this stuff up.
You gotta take all the sheetsoff the bed, you gotta get the
bucket with the water and allthat and like you know, and then
you got to be up at four in themorning or you might, and you
still got to go to work the nextmorning.
You know all that.
You gotta.
You got to be there for the,for the stuff that's not so fun,
the stuff that's not glamorous,um and that's the stuff they

(40:18):
remember too like they remember,oh I remember, I remember, dad,
I was throwing up and you didthis or you did that.
While you're there, I want youto talk about the unique role of
fathers in their children'slife the unique role yeah,
because their father role isdefinitely different than a
mother role yeah, I think,because I think that, from my
standpoint, I think the main.

(40:40):
So, again, there's a lot ofsimilarity, as there's
similarities between parentingand teaching.
There's a lot of similaritiesbetween, like you know, being a
father and being a being a man,and being a father as a provider
and a protector, right, youknow, I think that's fundamental
.
You know, being a provider andbeing a protector, and there are

(41:03):
different ways to provide anddifferent things, different
things that can be provided, andthere are different ways to
offer protection.
You know, sometimes protectionis physical, sometimes it's
letting your children know thatyou are that type of resource
that they can walk the world,walk through the streets and
walk in the world, knowing thatthey have somebody no-transcript

(41:30):
Right, and as well as also,like I said, there are other
types of protection, likeeducation is a type of
protection because you'reproviding information and
guidance so that children canindependently navigate the world
in certain ways, because it'slike, oh, my old head taught me
this, or my dad taught me this,or my mom taught me this.

(41:51):
When you know stuff, it's like,oh, I know how to now, ok, we're
in this store and this is goingdown.
Or we're in this place and thisis going down.
Oh, my people taught me like,nah, don't go over there.
This is crazy.
No, you don't want to do that,or no, you do want to do that,
but do it this way Becausesomebody taught you that.

Speaker 1 (42:07):
That's a form of protection.
I like that.

Speaker 2 (42:09):
Because sometimes people will end up in very
unsafe and unfortunatecircumstances all because they
just didn't know no better.
Because, nobody told them RightNow granted, a lot of times
it's a parent when they were achild, nobody taught them either
, Right?

Speaker 1 (42:21):
So it's intergenerational, absolutely.

Speaker 2 (42:24):
But you know.
So there's certain lessons thatfathers, you know provide, that
mothers may not provide becausethey may not know, like that's
not their wheelhouse.
So you know, definitely, likeyou know, being able to provide
things, and beyond money, youknow beyond money and financial
resources, but you know you knowbeing protectors and protect

(42:47):
them by providing education,letting them know that there's,
like you know, physicalprotection if you need that.
Because you know I mean that'salways important.

Speaker 1 (42:52):
I like that, akil, because I think when we think
about providing and protectingfrom a man's point of
perspective, or even how weperceive it's supposed to be
right, we we look at to makesure that we're provided for in
the financial usually it's afinancial right and that we're
protected, physically protected.
But I like how you expounded onthe fact that providing
protection is just not afinancial thing and it's just

(43:13):
not, you know, the security ofphysical.
But education is a protection.
Giving them wisdom andknowledge is is very important.
Setting them up for the futureis a protection of providing
protection can you.
Can you hone in on it?
I heard the protection partright.
Can you hone in on that?
Provide part again, like what?
What is providing look like foryou?

Speaker 2 (43:34):
so, um, we'll provide a support, different types of
support, whether it's well, Ialready mentioned, like the, you
know the financial support ifthey need that, but you know
providing conversations alistening a listening ear.
You know different types ofguidance, so many different
types of guidance.

Speaker 1 (43:56):
Comfort, safety you know, I don't even think, pam,
have you heard men really saycomfort?
I haven't heard that word fromfathers comfort.

Speaker 2 (44:08):
I mean the comfort is balanced with some tough love.
So that's one of the things thatthe children may not they're
usually not going to appreciateit when they're young, but it's
going to be those moments whenthey get older.
Like you know what, I didn'tappreciate that when they was
doing it, or I had to do this,or I had to do these chores.
But I didn't appreciate thatwhen they, when they, when they
was doing it, or I had to, I hadto do this, so I had to do
these, these chores, but Ididn't understand what you was
trying to teach me.

(44:28):
But you know, then they get outinto the world and it's like,
oh then, but what happens is yousee other people around you and
your peer group and it's likethey don't notice and they don't
have this experience.
Or like you know, you know whatI mean.
So then you look back and you'relike, wow, so when he was
teaching me that he was tryingto really put me on, he wasn't
really trying to harm me Right,right, right, that part he was

(44:50):
trying to help me so one day I'dbe able to be a self-sufficient
, productive human being,because he knew I was going to
end up in this situation and Iwas going to end up out here and
I was going to have to likeconduct myself, be able to
conduct myself in a certain way.
So, like, those things need tobe provided.
But yeah, I think comfort isimportant too.
But there's comfort in justknowing that you like, knowing

(45:13):
that you have a dad, yeah,knowing that you got a dad, like
knowing that, you know your dadgot your back.
You know, for girls and boys,you know there's just comfort.
You know, for girls and boys,you know there's just comfort.
You know in that it's mental,you know just those constant,
having those constants in yourlife and them not being

(45:35):
variables.
Again back to math, all thismath, constants and variables.
Constants are like they'rethere, they're going to be there
, no matter what variable islike.
It might be here Monday,they're here Tuesday, they might
not be there Wednesday, theymight not be there.
No matter what variable is likeit might be his monday, they're
here.
Tuesday, they might not bethere.
Wednesday they might not bethere.
It varies.
That's why it's a variable,right, but there's comfort in

(45:55):
knowing that, like you know thatthat father, your father's
there and even if he's notphysically there, he's not far,
because you, he's one phone callaway.
You know if you need somethingor you need me to pull up, you
know what you need.
You know what you need a rideyou need me to?
Uh, I'll cash out you somemoney for uber.
If I can't, if I can't give,come give you the ride, right,
but um, you know different,different things like that I
think that is so important.

Speaker 1 (46:13):
I know you know with my parents and struggle.
A lot of it came because my dadwasn't in the household and I
really didn't have muchrelationship growing up.
I felt abandoned and rejected byhim but, god had placed, placed
two other men in my life, thatkind of stepped in as a father.
And now you know I joke a lotwith people because where I had
parenting issues with my mom andmy dad because they fumbled me

(46:35):
right and for whatever reasonthey did, you know they did the
best that they could with whatthey did at the time but, to be
real, they fumbled me.
So whereas I felt like I lackedfor years parenting, somehow God
placed me with having two othersets of parents and because of
their love and theirrelationship, it allowed me to

(46:56):
actually rekindle with myparents and understand them and
love them in a better way.
So, whereas I had seemed like Iwas abandoned, had no parents,
and now I have three sets ofparents right, and when I have
three sets of parents right, andwhen I tell you, everybody
laughs and they think that theysay I'm a daddy's girl out of
all three dads, like I am adaddy's girl, because it's just
that support and that securityand that comfort.

(47:18):
That's why I wanted you to honein on comfort, because I am,
although I'm, comfortable withmy mom, but there's a certain
level of things that I can sharewith my dad that I'm not going
to share with my mom, because mymom could be more of a
thermostat reactor situation,but with my dad all three of
them I can literally sit downand have a conversation and they
listen and they hear andthey're not being reactive,

(47:41):
they're really taking the wholething in.
So there is definitely adifference between fathers and
mothers in both worlds.
It's vitally important.

Speaker 2 (47:47):
And we're problem solvers.
Not to say that mothers aren'tproblem solvers, but I think a
lot of times we tend to maybe wewon't address the emotional
aspect of a problem.
We just want to solve theproblem.

Speaker 3 (48:03):
Alright, what you need.
You crying out.
You heard just out.
And then, moms, we try to do itfor you.

Speaker 1 (48:10):
We try to mom see the difference with us being
problem, so we try to actuallysolve the problem and do it.
Dad's like all right.
So what did you learn from this?
How you're going to do this?

Speaker 2 (48:19):
because I want to prevent this in the future.
It's a teachable moment.
I want to prevent this in thefuture because the thing is also
like so, like, so, like, okay,if my daughter's crying.
It's like, well, I don't wantyou to be crying, but like,
let's reverse engineer thesituation and back map and see,
okay, well, what caused theproblem?
Okay, so, let's solve theproblem.
So, therefore, you can stopcrying.

Speaker 1 (48:41):
So you won't need to cry if the problem is solved
Moms.

Speaker 2 (48:44):
we can worry about that later.
Let's solve the problem first.
That is so good Like firstthings first, let's solve the
problem, pam, what's yourexperience?

Speaker 1 (48:52):
different between your father and your mother?
Like, can you relate to whatwe're saying?

Speaker 3 (48:56):
Yeah, Well, communication-wise, yeah, I
would say that, Like with my dad.
It was like with my dad.
It was like you said.
It was certain things I wouldshare with my dad and then it's
all right.
Prime example if I know I didsomething at school, I'm like I

(49:17):
want them to call my dad becauseI know how he gonna handle it
versus my mom.
She's gonna come up there on athousand coming for me, and now
my dad is going to come for them, and then when you get home,
like why you do that?
You know you don't got nobusiness doing that like pull up
type of thing, whereas mom islike dang, I feel like you just
always kind of beating me, likewhether it's your words, you

(49:39):
know your action, but it's justlike just ask me why I did that.
You feel me you could have didthe same thing, as dad
approached it in a totallydifferent manner.
So it got to a point where wewas at a certain age.
She's just like, oh, tell them,you handle it Right, because I
see how they respond to you andthen I see how our relationship
goes once I discipline them orhow I handle the situation.

(50:00):
I don't want our relationshipto be like, oh, I'm keeping a
minimum with mom.

Speaker 1 (50:06):
I don't want that Right right, I don't want that.

Speaker 3 (50:07):
So if you got to handle this area and I handle
that area, that's what we'regoing to do that's good I like
that.

Speaker 2 (50:21):
I remember, as a classroom teacher, one day I
realized that, like you know,when I would kind of tell
students, like I would threatento call home, I would always say
I'm gonna call your mom.
And I, and I thought about that, I said, why do I always go to
the mom, like, why don't I callthe dads, especially if it's a
young brother that's acting up?
Because, like what I reallywanted, because I realized that
what I really I don't want toactually talk to your mom, I
want to have a man-to-manconversation with your dad and I
want him to know that his son,his son, is acting crazy right,
so you need to have aconversation with him, like you

(50:42):
need, so that he can then, inturn, have a man-to-man
conversation with you right asas his young, his young son, um,
but I think also that that'sjust like a bad, like a bad
habit that, like a lot of us islike like teachers have because
we tend to not include sometimes, like there is a culture in a
lot of schools where, like thefathers are like second seeing a

(51:03):
secondary yeahright, right, and that's
something that's got to changetoo.
So, like you know, brothersthat are watching this, what I
want them to also see as partand parcel of fathering is being
present in the schools because,that's where your children are,
just like you should be presentand be known wherever your
children are, absolutely, andwherever your children be at.
people should know you and knowwho you are, know what you look

(51:23):
like.
So your children in school,five days a a week, ten months
out of the year, eight hours aday.
So the teachers should know whoyou are, the administrators
should know who you are, theNTAs, the security guards people
should know you.
You should be known, just likeif you live in a neighborhood
and your child is outside, thepeople in the neighborhood
should know who you are, if atin the neighborhood, should know
who you are.
Right, if at all possible, theschool should be treated the

(51:46):
same way.
And I know a lot of us, youknow, as, as men maybe we were
boys, we had like negativeexperiences in school so we kind
of want to stay away from that.
Or, you know, the mothers tendto be more, maybe more proactive
with you know um, educationrelated, you know activities and
registering people for schooland you know filling out the
paperwork and doing field tripsand you know chaperoning and

(52:08):
stuff.
But we got to start doing itand it can't be well, those of
us that are already doing it gotto keep doing it, but those
that aren't doing it, we got tostart doing it and it can't be
something extracurricularbecause, again, that's where
your children are and you got tobe present in those schools.

Speaker 3 (52:30):
And know what's going on.
And that's good that you saidthat, because when I was filling
out paperwork for my daughter'sschool this year and I was like
looking at certain lines whereit's asking for signature and
it's like, oh, main parent, andthen it would even like
emphasize, like who the childstays with predominantly, and
I'm like pause, like she wereboth of us.
So we both going to sign thisthing and I was like wow, like
it's even gotten, that's badBecause it's happened so often.

Speaker 1 (52:52):
That's bad, like why don't?

Speaker 3 (52:53):
got two lines for both of us to sign Because it's
not common, pam.

Speaker 1 (52:58):
It's not common for children to be raised in two
pair households.

Speaker 3 (53:02):
as much as, but not even that At this school, at the
charter school that my daughtergoes to, I see so many fathers
doing pick up and drop off, withso so they probably just assume
so that's how they fake.
Yeah, and I'm like I see Iactually know more of the dads
than I do the moms.
When I see the moms I'm like hi, like I think it's an aunt or

(53:23):
something, like I'm dead serious.
And then my daughter would tellme, mom, that's their mommy or
that's so-and-so.
And I'm like, wow, but thefathers are so present at this
school that when I was fillingout that paperwork I was like
they need to start adding twolines, because then that's how
parents get disincluded and theygo straight to mom.
Because dad wasn't even given achance to put his information on

(53:47):
a contact form.
I saw the dad go into the frontoffice and they're like, oh,
who's parent are you?
And he's telling them and he'ssaying certain stuff and he said
I'm very present in mydaughter's life and it was like
well, why are you filling outtwo different paperwork?
Because y'all only gave it tomom, y'all need to have my
information too, he said I wantthe same leeway mom got is what

(54:07):
I want too.
So if y'all calling mom to letmom know, he said if y'all got
apps, I want access to the apps,I want this, and that he had to
be his own voice in.
So what I'm saying is for bothparents speak up, Let them know
yes, they have another parent.

Speaker 1 (54:22):
I had to do that with my even you know, even going
through divorce, like I had.
I was putting his name oneverything like this is who?
Here's his email?
here's his phone number samething you send me.
Send him so that we're on thesame page, because it's
something where it's just comingfrom one parent, because,
depending on what thatrelationship is as I'm telling
him stuff about his son, hecould be like man you just sent.
You know, I mean, but if we getthe same information at the

(54:44):
same time, like you can'tchallenge, or what if you forgot
?

Speaker 2 (54:47):
to relay the message yeah yeah, and I think, and
again I got, I like that, I likethat story and there needs to
be more that.
We need more of that energybecause, and also because
oftentimes what will happen isthe mother may be the main
educational context, she may betake responsibility for the
education of the child, so thenthe school knows that, so the
school provides all theinformation to her.
So then the information is thenkind of funneled out to the

(55:10):
father.
But then what happens?
If the mother, like you knowit's an honest mistake maybe she
just forgot to relay someinformation, or maybe she maybe
we're not getting along thisweek, so it's like I don't want
to tell them and part of nottalking to him means well.
Our daughter's messing up inmath class, so you know he need
to know that.
But I ain't talking to himmeans well our daughter's

(55:30):
messing up in math class.
So you know, he need to knowthat, but I ain't talking to him
Right?
So how are you going to findout?
So, as fathers, what we got todo is, yeah, we could complain
and say, well, ideally, in theideal world, the mother would be
able to compartmentalize andput her feelings to the side.
But we don't got time to worryabout all that.
What you can do as the father,you got to go direct to the
school.
You got to develop that directcontact and develop your own
relationship with the school,because your child is there.

Speaker 1 (55:51):
That's what you got to do.

Speaker 2 (55:53):
We don't got time to play around with a bitter baby
mom that mad at you this weekbut she's going to be cool with
you next week and then mad atyou again the next week after
that.

Speaker 1 (56:01):
We don't got time for all that.

Speaker 2 (56:02):
We don't got time for all that.

Speaker 1 (56:02):
Actually, it's not even your child don't got time
for all that Right, becausethey're missing out, because the
child is the one that's goingto lose.

Speaker 2 (56:06):
So you got to figure out ways to circumvent all of
that.
One way just go direct to theschool Like listen, can you put
me on the email list?
You know this is.
You know.
Do whatever you got to do andit might not be easy, that might
be annoying.
Um, the school might not.

(56:27):
The school might be run like ayou know, a corner poppy store.
It might be very inefficient orwhatever but you got to deal
with that you got to deal withit.
It's just a reality.
This happens because it's foryour child and you gotta like
you got to be willing to beuncomfortable.
That's, that's part ofparenting, you know, whether
you're a mother or a father likepart of being a parent is like
being willing to beuncomfortable for this person.
That that you brought into theworld and you can see when you

(56:48):
was having a good time, you know.
So it's like it should bebalanced Right.
It should be balanced out Likeso you're going to be a little
uncomfortable because you wasreal comfortable once upon a
time.
You know.
So that's just that's whathappened.
So, yeah, develop, developthose relationships with those
institutions, anywhere yourchild goes, whether it's like
swim practice or baseballpractice or basketball practice

(57:11):
or AAU team or whatever it is.
If your daughter goes to thehair salon to get her hair done,
know the hairdresser.
You got to develop thoserelationships because that's
your child.

Speaker 1 (57:23):
Y'all share a child, right so?

Speaker 2 (57:24):
it's not like this is the mother's child and you,
just you know some random personthat you contributed some DNA
so you know she might fill youin on some things.
You know it's like no, you gotto assert yourself.
You know you got to figure outways to.
You know, assert yourself.

Speaker 1 (57:44):
I like that because I think it's really just taking a
responsibility really, becauseyou can't say, oh, she didn't
share that with me or she didn'ttell me that, whatever.
Well you, the dad.
I'm trying to understand why,you ain't figured this out, or
why didn't you go into this?
Because sometimes I hear, a lotof times actually I hear, well,
the mom didn't do this and themom didn't Well, help me
understand, You're a grown man.

Speaker 2 (58:08):
Yeah, this is your child.
Why are you taking the extrasteps?
And let that, let that be yourexplanation, only one time, yeah
, like the explanation thoughshe didn't tell me okay, once,
once you know she does it youdon't move around now it's like.
It's like fool me once, like youknow, shame on you, fool me
twice, you know, shame on me.
Like you got it like okay, thishappened once, all right, this,
we're not about to do this.
Ok, so you got one time to likenot give me the information and

(58:29):
hopefully you already have therelationship with the school and
you know, and again, it's partof like it's a learning process,
you know it's part of learning.
You know it's part of learningas a parent.
You learn what you need to do.
You know, maybe with if youhave children with multiple
women, maybe with this woman youknow she's very, very
conscientious about sharing theinformation, putting information

(58:50):
out there, like making sureyou're tuned in, you're locked
in.
Another mother might not be asconscientious, she might have a
lot going on, she might not beas organized, right.
So you know, ok, well with this.
Ok, this child, I got to be alittle more proactive.
Another mother you know itmight vary.
You know, okay well with this.
Okay, this child, I got to be alittle more proactive.
Another mother you know itmight vary, you know, from time

(59:11):
to time.
So I mean that's another partof being a father.
You got to know the women thatyou had babies with.
You got to know them.
You got to really know them.
You had babies with them.
You got to know those women andyou got to know how to navigate
that relationship, especiallyif you know they're the primary.

Speaker 1 (59:29):
you know caretakers, you know so that you can be
present.
I like what you're saying here,because there's so many times
that, just speaking with justfamilies, it's always here.
Well, she wouldn't let me dothis or she wouldn't let me do
that.
You know, even when we had, youknow, a couple seasons ago,
when we had the single fatherson there and they were keeping
real of the situations of howtheir relationships were with

(59:49):
their baby moms and howliterally their kids were being
affected by that, and then myquestion I kept posing to them
is just like there's a courtsystem for women, take men to
court For whatever reasons.
I want my kid to say that, men,if you really want to be in
your child's life, you willfigure that out and you will
make a way.
Now I'm not saying it's notgoing to be hard or challenging,

(01:00:11):
but hard and challenging shouldnever be an excuse for you to
show up as a dad.
Yeah, yeah, you know.

Speaker 3 (01:00:17):
It's work.

Speaker 1 (01:00:17):
Yeah, I mean you got to put the work in.
Yeah, akil, what's that legacyor values you want to pass on to
your children?

Speaker 2 (01:00:27):
oh man, um intellectual curiosity.

Speaker 1 (01:00:35):
Oh akil always dropping something up in here,
intellectual curiosity see howstrong I just can't even your
son laughed over there.
I was like yo, yeah, that's him.

Speaker 2 (01:00:43):
No, he know.
Yeah, intellectual curiosity,no.
But see, intellectual curiosityis important because a lot of
times, like issues witheducation and issues in schools
are like a lot of it could besolved if you know.
Children are instilled withthat value of just wanting to
know.
Like, if I just want to know,then it don't really necessarily

(01:01:03):
matter how hard it might be,I'm not going to care because I
want to know.
So I'm going to push throughand persevere through the
difficulty because I really wantto know, like I really care.
But a lot of times likechildren don't have the
intellectual curiosity right forvarious reasons, so they end up
just kind of giving up.
So when something seemsdifficult, it's like all right,

(01:01:23):
well, I don't really care toomuch, but a lot of.
But I also will say that asparents, fathers, mothers but
you know, fathers, like we canhelp to build intellectual
curiosity by modeling that forour children, like showing our
children, like us, like doingresearch on random stuff, or
like you hear something onsomebody say something on TV.

(01:01:45):
You have no idea what it means.
It could be a vocabulary wordLike, like what?
What does that mean?
Let them see you looking it up.
Right, let me look this word upreal quick.
Or you know, you hear somebodytalking about a topic and you go
do some research on, or youorder a book on it or whatever,
like let them see that.
Or and when they ask and here's, here's the pride of most
important thing when they'reyoung and children are so
inquisitive, children, children,are like scientists.
When they're young, when theyfirst start talking, they want

(01:02:08):
to know everything.
They want to know what is thisword, what does that mean?
What's this?
A lot of times we as parents, wegot a lot going on.
You might be tired, you mighthave had a long day at work, and
we get annoyed easily.
So, over time, when we shutthem down when they're asking
those questions, then, over time, when we like shut them down
when they're asking thosequestions, then they're like oh,
I don't like that feeling.

(01:02:29):
So, oh, maybe I shouldn't beasking questions, maybe I'm
asking too many questions.
So, as parents, we got to liketap into that and promote that.
So when they ask thosequestions, you got to like get
excited when you hear themasking them questions.
Like, and as fathers, like andif it's something you don't know
, don't feel like, well, damn,I'm being exposed, like I don't

(01:02:51):
know a whole lot.
That's cool.
Like you know what I'm saying,you can find it out.
Like now we have tools.
Like you can do the research.
You know you can go online, youknow you can go on your phone,
it you know, just to get you astart.
But but yeah, you want, we want,we want children to have, I say
, for a legacy, I want mychildren to have intellectual
curiosity so they'll like,they'll care enough to like, go

(01:03:11):
figure stuff out and, like youknow, really want to go figure
stuff out.
Um, what else, what else?
Whatever type of legacy I think, um, just being being good
humans.
Being good humans that you knowstrive on a daily basis to
Humans, being good humans thatyou know strive on a daily basis
to, you know, make the make theworld a better place and leave
it better than the way it waswhen they first got here and let

(01:03:31):
their, let their lives be atestament to that.
And, you know, in all of theactivities and all the actions
and the work that they choose todo and the career paths that
they may go on, or theentrepreneurship or just the
activities, you know, just justleaving the world a better place
overall and making it be andalso see again, the math comes

(01:03:53):
into play.
All roads lead to math.
It's all about.
It's all about the net positive, because when people say stuff
like that, I want people to getit confused.
A lot of times people maymisinterpret that as oh well,
they got to be perfect to dothat.
No, you don.
Of times, people may interpret,misinterpret that as oh well,
they got to be perfect to dothat.
No, you don't have to beperfect because we're humans.
Right, but as long as there's anet positive, meaning there's
more positive than negative,right, it's more positive than

(01:04:14):
negative.
Is there's more positive thannegative?
Then that's great.
And if more of us, if there wasa net positive with more of us,
then you know the world, theworld will, once that happens
that the world will start to be,you know, become a different
place.
So, yeah, definitely likestriving to leave the world in a
better place than the way theyfound it at all times and using

(01:04:34):
their skills and their faculties, you know, to help those that
you know may not have had theopportunities they had.
Because you know my children,you know, have had opportunities
, just like I did when I wasgrowing up.
I had opportunities that a lotof people didn't have right.
So that's why I do a lot of thework that I do, because I'm
trying to like share and levelthe playing field with people,
because you know people always alot of people that had the same

(01:04:57):
opportunities that I had theykind of like to say things like,
well, you know, you could havedid this, you could, and I'd be
like bro, like everybody did nothave the same opportunities.
And I know, because I'm one ofthe people that had the
opportunities, I had a lot ofopportunities and I know people
that was just as smart as me,maybe smarter than me, but they
didn't have opportunities right,they'd be in a different place

(01:05:18):
in life if they had just hadsome of the opportunities that I
had.
So that's why I always try to,like you know, put people on
with different information,different guidance, ideas,
programming and whatnot.
And I hope that my children dothe same thing, because my
children, you know, have certainopportunities that a lot of
people don't have.
So I hope they're able, insteadof like taking those

(01:05:38):
experiences and just hoardingthem and keeping them to
themselves, I want them to likeshare, like put that out there,
put that out there, like outthere, share that.
You know what I mean and I knowthat's disruptive, because we
live in a society where thestatus quo is you got haves and
have-nots.
You got haves and have-nots.
And a lot of times people getcomfortable with that and just

(01:05:58):
say, well, as long as I get mine, I'm cool.
Nah, you're not cool becauseit's about the group, because
even as an individual, you can'treally win as an individual if
you're part of a weak group.
So we got to figure out ways tobuild the group up and help the
group, you know.
So the group can win, because,again, we talked about comfort
and protection with fatherhood,your group should be able to
protect you too.

(01:06:18):
But if you're part of a weakgroup, then you can't get
protected by a weak groupBecause you can be out here
because at any given moment,okay, you, the one with all the
money or whatever you one person, they can come take that from
you.
You have no squad, you have nogang to protect you.
So we got to work to build thegroup up.
We can't just be like, well, Igot mine, you got to get yours.
No, we got to work together tofigure out how we can all win

(01:06:43):
that's good and I like that kill.

Speaker 1 (01:06:44):
Because, as parents you know, I think modeling that
behavior is better than talkingabout that behavior.
Like our kids see us grow up.
Our kids see us serve in thecommunity.
Our kids see it and then, inturn, as they grow up, they will
do the same because it's intheir heart now, because they
see their mom done, they seetheir dad done it.
So most people who arecommunity servers, their parents

(01:07:06):
have served the community aswell.
So, uh, you're doing good, likeyou're, you're coming out.
All this math, everything'sabout math, y'all everything.
All rules lead to math, allrules lead to math, but just
even the example of you being inthe studio today giving this,
uh, these conversations, andyour son sitting here listening
to you and watching you, evenjust the way that you expound on

(01:07:27):
protection and provide, youknow, can give him a different
perspective of protection andprovide because he, now that you
broke it down and he sees itfrom you and he's able to put
those two together.
And I think that that really alot of our children need to see,
that they need to see it, notjust hear about it, because
there's so many things that wehear about when we come to, when
it, when it comes to male right, fathers, that, like even when

(01:07:51):
we talked about earlier, likethey don't even have a space for
dad to be on the paper, youknow, but showing up and really
being intentional in ourchildren's life, um, it's so
important.
So we certainly appreciate youcoming on the show again and
we're gonna have you back againbecause we love your perspective
, we love how you break it downand what I love one of the
things I love about you, akil,is each time you came on the

(01:08:11):
show, you never downed anybody.
You never, you know, madepeople feel less than they were,
because they're not showing upor they're not pulling up to
where they need to be.
You've encouraged people of howto do it.

Speaker 2 (01:08:30):
And that's what it's all about, because people who
are down know they down.

Speaker 1 (01:08:31):
Yeah right I don't don't kick me while I'm down.
Like you know, it's not helpful.

Speaker 2 (01:08:33):
Anyway, yeah, give me a hand and pull me up, like,
yeah, because if I was trying toencourage somebody to do more,
you know, basically, like youknow, shitting on them and tell
them, you like that's not gonnahelp any that's not.

Speaker 1 (01:08:41):
That's just not good marketing.
That's marketing one-on-one,that's not going to help.

Speaker 2 (01:08:45):
So when you come across people that do that and
claim to want to help, eitherthey don't really know that much
about marketing and humannature and whatnot, or they
really don't want to help.
They really just want to takethe opportunity to punch down on
black people and that's whatyou see.
It's a lot of that out there.

Speaker 1 (01:09:04):
social media is like a cesspool for the people that
just want to punch down on blackfolks and I love black people.

Speaker 2 (01:09:13):
I legitimately love black people, and I want us to
win, so that's why I like andthe criticism.
We got to have criticism,though, but there's a difference
between destructive andconstructive.
You got to have a constructivecriticism, because the
destructive is like well, I justdon't like you, I want to tear
you down.
But the constructive Like it'slike bro, I want you to win bro.

Speaker 1 (01:09:31):
Yeah, I want you to win.

Speaker 2 (01:09:32):
Just like with my kids, like listen, bro, I want
you to have everything that youwant and need In this world, but
the way you're moving right now, you probably not going to be
able to get there.
So I'm going to tell you, Ithink you should move
differently.
Right, so I'm going to critiquewhat you're doing, but I'm
critiquing I'm coming from aspace of love, right, so it's a
loving critique, right, but thedestructive criticism?

(01:09:55):
But some people, nobody evertells them and some people don't
take criticism.
Well, because nobody ever tellsthem the distinction between
constructive and destructive.
So, the distinction betweenconstructive and destructive.
So they say, if you're nottelling me how great I am, it's
a problem.

Speaker 3 (01:10:08):
I don't want to hear no bad news.

Speaker 2 (01:10:09):
You just hate it.
Any type of criticism is justhate.
It's like, bro, you know what Imean.
So it's like I really want youto win.
The mother, yes-men, you gotaround you.
They don't really want you towin.
That's why they're not tellingyou.
You're tripping, tripping, youtripping right now, like they're
not going to tell you becausethey don't really care and they
just want to benefit how theycould benefit as long as
possible.
You know, you know they're justalong for the ride, but I

(01:10:31):
really want to see you win, butyou can't keep moving like that
though I like that.

Speaker 1 (01:10:35):
All right.
So we thank you, akil.
We certainly gonna have youback again, because we are
already here into another partof the segment then we gotta
come back here you know you do,you holding true to it.
What you got me an hour and ahalf, you be holding true to
that.
I'll never forget when I firstmet you.
I'm like who's sitting up herean hour and a half?
But I really appreciate youtaking the time out and really
speaking to the audience andreally helping us.

(01:10:55):
See, you know, because we'remoms, we're not dads.
So I think it's so important tohear a dad perspective and then
not just for moms to hear theirdad perspective, for other men
to really be able to hear andknow how they can show up in
their children's life.

Speaker 2 (01:11:08):
These are important conversations.

Speaker 1 (01:11:10):
Yeah, so we get you know raise a better community.

Speaker 2 (01:11:16):
You know there needs to be more.
You know we need to become morebalanced.
There's plenty of conversationsabout the deadbeat dad, you know
the absent black father, whichis real, but there are not
enough conversations about theother side.
Yeah, which is real, but thereare not enough conversations
about the other side.
So when we start to push thatnarrative and market that, then
people will see oh okay, that'swhat that looks like, because
you know what the deadbeat lookslike.
You know what the father thatis absent looks like.

(01:11:36):
It's like all right, we alreadyknow what that looks like.
Why do you keep showing us thatsame show?
It's like the rappers that justrap about the same content all
day long.
Every new rapper same thing,same thing.
We already heard that.
You a drug kingpin.

Speaker 1 (01:11:47):
You hit all the chicks.

Speaker 2 (01:11:48):
You got these cars and jewelry.
You a millionaire, whatever.
We already heard that Likelet's hear something different.

Speaker 1 (01:11:54):
Yeah, All right.
Well, thank you Akil again forcoming to the show.
We certainly appreciate you.
You will be back again.
This was very good, veryinsightful, very enlightening.
It's a lot.
But I feel like even justsitting here having a
conversation with you, I grew inmy perspective about the male

(01:12:15):
role in our children's lifeyou're too kind in your words
anyway, pam, you got anythingbefore we go out of here because
Zakiya is about to startanother segment.

Speaker 3 (01:12:24):
I can't not today, no just as you said, thank you for
coming and showing up and notjust showing up, but it was like
an experience.
So we got to like experience,your father, and journey.
You are giving peopleexperience to go try.

Speaker 2 (01:12:44):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:12:45):
You know it's like, okay, he's talking about it, Let
to go try.
Yeah, yeah, you know it's like,okay, he's talking about it,
let me go try this.
Like you said, it doesn'talways involve money.
You can get creative, so, andyou're showing up and, um, being
present in the time.
So, using your time wisely,fathers, uh, finding that time
in your life to spend time withyour children, regardless of

(01:13:06):
what your relationship is withthe other parent or the parents,
find a way to be in yourchildren's life.
So again, thank you, akil,thank you.

Speaker 2 (01:13:15):
I appreciate being here.
Thank y'all for letting me, youknow, talk.
I like to talk.
Yeah, we know.

Speaker 1 (01:13:22):
But it's good talking .
But the thing about it, eventhough you like to talk, you're
talking important things.
It's not just you're talkingout the side of your neck,
you're actually talking usingyour brain and your heart and I
like that.
Thank you, guys for joiningParenting with a Purpose.
Again, I am your host, donnaJanelle, and this is Pamela
Chapman.
We thank you for tuning in toParenting with a Purpose, where,

(01:13:42):
again, parents are their bowsand our children are our arrows,
and they will land wherever weaim them, as long as we get them
to choose to be successful.
You know, we're just here tobring back the responsibility,
nobility and beauty back intoparenting.
So we thank you guys forjoining us.
Join us every week 7 o'clock.
Follow us on our social mediaplatform.
You can follow us under DonnaJanelle on Instagram.
You can follow us on Parentingwith a Purpose Facebook page.

(01:14:04):
You also can find us on anypodcast platform.
Wherever you listen to yourpodcast at pull up Parenting
with a Purpose and get someinsights of how you can parent
better, or even if you want tobe on the show, you can reach
out to us at parentingwap atgmailcom.

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