September 12, 2024 • 43 mins
Parenting comes with its unique set of challenges, no matter the circumstances. Have you ever wondered how incarcerated parents maintain their roles or how cultural differences shape parenting practices worldwide? Join us as we navigate these compelling topics and more in Season 3 of "Parenting with a Purpose." We promise to shed light on the struggles faced by parents in various situations, including those parenting after prison, and the significance of community support in raising well-rounded children. By sharing heartfelt insights and real-life stories, we aim to equip you with the tools and resources needed for effective parenting.
Whether you're married, single, divorced, a foster parent, or any other form of caregiver, this episode offers a wealth of advice on navigating parenting dynamics and communication styles. I recount a personal story about my 16-year-old daughter, who recently tested my patience by constantly calling to be picked up from school for minor reasons. This experience underscores the challenges of teaching appropriate behavior in different environments and highlights the resistance some children have to modifying their behavior. We emphasize the importance of being intentional and responsible in our parenting efforts to foster better communication and break generational patterns.
Our discussion also touches on the broader societal impacts of parenting, from exploring the root causes of behaviors to the recent Alcapachee school shooting. Through personal experiences and expert insights, we highlight the responsibility of proactive parenting in shaping well-adjusted children who contribute positively to society. By investing in family support and parental education, we can address societal issues more effectively than through punitive measures like building more prisons. Ultimately, this episode aims to empower parents, encouraging grace, trust, and belief in the good we've instilled in our children. Join us as we explore the true essence of parenting and how to nurture the best versions of our kids.
Parents are the Bows and Children are the Arrows they will land wherever we aim them eventually!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
Thank you, welcome to Season 3 of Parenting with a
Purpose.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
I am your host, donna Janelle, and I'm your co-host,
pamela, and this season we havesome exciting sessions.
We got parenting from prison,parenting after prison, cultural
differences in parenting,financial literacy.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
We got all this exciting stuff coming this
season and we're takingparenting with a purpose around
the world.
My name is Omar Skinner.
My name is Brielle.
My name is Renea Chapman.
My name is Pamela.
Speaker 3 (01:58):
Expecting father.
I'm kind of nervous.
Don't really know what toexpect for it.
Speaker 4 (02:03):
I am a single father of two, one boy, one girl.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
I have a husband of almost seven years.
We have one child, which is ababy girl.
I have been a godmother forfive years now.
Speaker 4 (02:15):
Just show parents what a purpose gives you great
information to learn and seeother people's point of view
from different perspective.
Just take it and take heed towhat they say and put it into
your lifestyle.
Speaker 3 (02:30):
Parenting with a purpose for me would be leading
my daughter into the world,showing her that she's not in
this world by herself.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
We all know that it takes a village to raise a child
, just being there for otherindividuals to know like you're
not alone.
There's resources out here,there's villages out here for
you to be a part of, and whenyou're connected with Parents
With a Purpose, you have allthose things right at your front
door.
Speaker 2 (03:16):
Hey everybody, welcome back to Parenting with a
Purpose.
I am your host, donna Janelle,and I am so excited to be back
at season three with the podcast.
It has been an amazing pastseasons one and two, like we
have dived in so many differenttopics.
You know my motto is we talkabout what they don't want to
talk about, things that affectus that we really don't talk
(03:39):
about, because you know, if you,like me when I grew up, a lot
of things you aren't supposed totalk about it's supposed to
stay in your house.
Nobody's supposed to knowanything.
But here at Pants with aPurpose, we take off the veil,
we break that veil and we talkabout things that's affecting
our community, our household andour nation.
Parents are the bows and ourchildren are arrows and they
will land wherever we send them,as long as we equip them, we
(04:02):
give them the tools that theyneed right.
So I am super excited for thisseason, y'all, because the
topics that we're talking aboutis like I will call them hot
topics.
Like these topics is going toget you out of your seat, right.
For example, we're going to betalking about parenting from
prison.
Now we don't even like hearmuch about that.
We know we hear so much aboutthe mother or the father going
(04:25):
in behind bars, right, but wedon't think about what's going
on with the children, thosecaretakers or who are taking
care of the children while theparents are incarcerated, or
even the parents while they'reincarcerated.
Just because you'reincarcerated doesn't mean that
you shouldn't parent, doesn'tmean that you're not a good
parent.
It just means that you got asituation, circumstance, what
makes parenting a little bitmore challenging, a little bit
(04:46):
more difficult, right?
So we're going to be talkingabout that.
We're going to be talking aboutdads who went to jail, right,
was incarcerated, did their time, they come out and then they're
not still allowed to haverelationships with their
children.
Now, I'm not talking about dadsthat have been molesting people
or raping people.
I'm talking about dads thatwent burglary, car theft, like
(05:08):
different other things.
That's not, I guess, harmful toour children, right?
Doesn't stop them from beingthe perfect parent that they
could be for that child, right?
So we're going to be talking tosome dads who aren't even able
to see their children.
They're required to pay childsupport, but they're not able to
see their children.
They're required to pay childsupport, but they're not able to
see their children for whateverreason.
You know, not that the statesaid that they can't see their
(05:30):
children, it's the baby moms,right?
Or then we're also going to betalking to some moms who aren't
able to see their children aswell after they did their time.
Maybe they were on drugs andalcohol and they may screwed up
a little bit in their parentingright.
A lot of times that it'sbecause of whatever they were
dealing with, right?
So even though we make mistakesin our parenting, does not mean
(05:51):
that we should not be parentingright.
Listen, they are our childrenand I believe in redemption
right, that we can get ourselvestogether and we can parent the
best way that we know how right?
And we get help, we get toolsto do it.
So this season, I'm telling you,this season is so lit Like we
will be talking about all thisstuff, right?
We're going to talk about thegood, the bad and the in-between
(06:13):
and co-parenting right?
Listen, I've been single momfor over 14 years now, divorced,
right.
And when I tell you, theco-parenting thing is a
challenge.
So we're going to talk aboutthe good, the bad and the
between.
Can people really successfullyco-parent?
I think so.
Is there challengingco-parenting?
(06:33):
Absolutely, but can parents gettogether for the sake of their
children?
I believe it can.
What else we're talking about?
We're talking about thecultural differences in
parenting, right?
You know, I've been aroundmultiple different cultures and
I've observed and noticed likethere is a real clear cultural
difference in parenting, but thegoal is still the same.
(06:57):
The goal is still love, thegoal is still nurture, the goal
is still for our kids to besuccessful.
So we're going to dive intocultural differences because,
you know, maybe what I do in myculture is different from your
culture and what you do in yourculture is different from mine,
but we can maybe blend somethings.
We can learn stuff from eachother.
Right, we're going to betalking about that.
We're going to be talking aboutchild support.
(07:18):
I know, I know, I know, I know,I know this is a topic that
most people don't want to talkabout.
Child support, what is it usedfor?
Why we get it?
Should you take the person toservices?
Sorry, should you take theperson?
Listen, y'all, I need to calmdown because I'm excited right,
(07:39):
because I'm really excited aboutseason three.
But should we take the motheror the father for child support
legally?
Right?
There's thoughts on both sidesof?
Should we, should we not?
Why do you have to pay somebodyto be responsible?
Why do you have to takesomebody to court to be
responsible for their child?
There's different topics,different discussions regarding
child support we're going totalk about.
(08:00):
There's just a lot of thingsthat I'm so super excited and I
know I keep saying it, butlisten, this is season three.
Y'all.
We are in the building pairedwith the purpose here at CMP
Radio, the voice of Chester, andI am just super excited.
This season I have a co-host,y'all.
I have a co-host.
Her name is Pamela Chan.
(08:21):
You guys know Pam.
She's been on the show multipletimes.
I think I've had on a showabout three or four times last
season and she was a hit.
Everybody loved her.
The chemistry was great, herand I.
And what I love about Pam rightis that we don't agree on
everything in parenting.
Right, pam is a little bityounger than me, but we don't
agree on everything in parenting, you know.
(08:42):
So we do have some parentingdebates, some healthy debates on
parenting, and I see her sideand she sees my side and somehow
we still able to do it healthy.
But this season she's going tobe on here and bring in some
more insight into this parentingthing.
(09:02):
You know Pam is married and shehas a daughter.
I think her daughter is now six, right, so she's married.
She's early in the game ofparenting.
So I like to hear herperspective on parenting.
And you know me, I'm an OG.
I've been parenting for 25years.
14 years I've been parenting asa single mom.
So I come from that point ofbeing married, know what it's
(09:23):
like to parent while married, ofbeing married, know what it's
like to parent while married,and then know what it's like to
parent while I'm not, well,while I'm single, right, um, so
that's exciting.
So we I kind of want to talkabout um tonight.
Tonight is really just likekind of going over what we went
over the first two seasons andwhat's new this season, um,
coming, um.
So, as you know, when we firststarted Parenting with a Purpose
(09:44):
, my job and my goal is to showparents that you could parent
out of any situation.
It don't matter what it iswhether you married, single,
divorced, widowed, foster parent, adoptive parent, it doesn't
matter.
Parenting is, if you'reresponsible for a child, if
you're responsible for a child,if you're responsible for the
(10:05):
upbringing for the child, youare parenting, right?
Um, now, some of us chose to beparents and, like we, we plan
to become a parent.
You know, uh, some of us hadparenting planning sessions or
whatever I'm gonna have this kidat this time, and this some of
us was going to do, and then weend up pregnant, right?
(10:26):
So then, but it doesn't matterhow we have become a parent or I
can speak for me a mother, it'sthe fact that we are now right.
So what are we going to do?
And I found that, throughcoaching parents and just having
a conversation with them, Ifound that it's very difficult
(10:48):
to parent when you have not beenraised, or parent in such a way
to help you become successful.
No shade to any parents thatwere struggling raising their
kids, but the truth is the truth, parents that were struggling
raising their kids, but thetruth is the truth.
(11:08):
Like, a lot of times, parentsfumble their children and it
becomes a generational effect,right?
So I'm parenting how my mom aparent, she's parenting how her
mom a parent, my dad's parentinghow his dad a parent, so on and
so forth, right?
And then that trickles down toour children.
So I found that a lot of timeswhen you have a conversation and
you ask somebody like why doyou do it that way?
(11:31):
I don't know, my mom did it orthat's how my dad did it.
For the point of I'll talk about, even when we talk about
corporal punishment, everybodyknows I don't be beating kids.
No, I don't, and everybodyknows that and everybody who
knows me will know we will havea serious conversation, a debate
, a healthy conversationregarding that.
(11:51):
Now, when I say beating kids, Imean like there's, you know,
there's a line right where itbecomes abuse or it becomes like
discipline.
So I don't believe in abuse,right?
Um, I was a child that wasabused, so that kind of.
I kind of look at that a littlebit differently, but I do
(12:13):
believe in discipline.
Now that I have four kids Now,when I had the first two, I'm
just, like you know, time outhere, time out there.
But when I got those last twothat I heard from my sister man
time out there, but when I gotthose last two that I inherited
from my sister man, one of themtouched my inner gangster.
Now, oh, I didn't tell y'allthe story this week about her.
(12:34):
Pause, we're going to pauseright there.
I'm going to tell y'all abouther.
Y'all know I got a story aboutthis one.
Now I got four children right25, 18, 16, and 16.
One male, three females.
My 18-year-old is off in bootcamp in marines, y'all.
She got five weeks left, right.
But the 16 year old girl whotests my inner gangster she
called me um from school theother day, right, she was like
(12:57):
mom, mom, can you pick me up?
I'm not feeling well.
I was like no, what do you mean?
You're not feeling well?
She said, listen, I feel reallybad.
I said, listen, explain to meyour symptoms.
Now, first of all, my kids knowthat you're not even supposed
to go to the nurse office,because if I sent you to school,
that means I know that you arewell enough to sustain yourself
throughout the school day.
Right, you don't need to go tothe nurse's office.
(13:19):
I'm a nurse, I don't need yougoing to the nurses.
So my children knew for yearsnot to go to the nurse offices
unless they're bleeding or theycouldn't breathe or they're
halfway dead period.
Because if I'm sending you toschool, that means I know that
you're well enough to sustainthe rest of the day.
Anyway, so she's calling, she'sbeing extra dramatic because
that's what she does and I'mlike no, I'm not picking you up.
She was like no, I really needyou to pick me up.
(13:41):
I said, no, I'm not doing it.
And here's the thing you got toknow your kids right the day
before she went to a soccer gamewith her friends.
She was having fun at thesoccer game.
She, she came in the house, shewas bubbly and everything.
We had a conversation regardingher getting in trouble in
(14:02):
school, getting put out of classbecause of her mouth, right.
So I'm'm explaining to her andshe knows I'm gonna tell you
guys about this because I talkedto her about it.
So her teacher told her thatshe needed her to quiet down,
that she was too loud.
My daughter, my 16 year old,lovely daughter, says to the
teacher I can't help it, I'mjust loud, that's who I am.
So the teacher put her out theclass.
(14:22):
So she gets home and we'retalking and and I'm saying to
her she's telling me what shesaid.
She told me the whole thing andI'm like okay, so what part do
you think?
That probably shouldn't happen?
Nothing, because that's who Iam.
I said okay.
So there, I said so there, thisis part teaching y'all we got
to teach our kids because theythink they know everything I
said.
So there are certain ways,certain environments.
(14:45):
You need to kind of switch up alittle bit.
Not change who you are, butmaybe quiet down or just certain
behaviors in certainenvironments.
She says to me oh, so what?
You trying to tell me the codeswitch?
I said essentially she said, oh, I'm not doing that, I'm not
changing who I am.
Now y'all got to know her, tounderstand this body language
(15:05):
and everything.
Now she's small but fierce.
Y'all I'm like well, I thinkyou might want to reconsider
that.
She's like no, why should Ichange who I am?
People need to accept me.
So then I go on.
I said listen here, if you havea job and your, your boss tells
you that you are not, likeyou're too loud, like it's just
(15:27):
causing a corruption, like it'schaos right, nobody wants chaos
and you tell your boss this iswho I am, take it or leave it.
I guarantee you they're goingto leave it.
They're going to tell youyou're fired.
She goes.
I just think I'll find anotherjob.
So it's so crazy, because thisis how our kids are seeing
(15:50):
things on social media, likeattitudes and everything, and
even if you're teaching them,you know, by example and then
the right attitude.
They still can.
You know they have their peers,social media and things like
that.
So but honestly, this has been achallenge with this one, like
all the time, like she does.
Just that's her personality.
So I had to think about a wayto teach her where it doesn't
(16:13):
crush her spirit, doesn't changewho she is, but also just tweak
you a little bit for theenvironment.
I said to her listen there,there's times I can certainly
get loud and, you know,obnoxious, like I can do a lot
of things, but I got to beprofessional in certain
environments.
So she gets upset with me y'all.
She walks away while I'mtalking.
(16:33):
Now that gets under my skin.
I feel like it's disrespectful.
If I'm having a conversationwith you, why are you walking
away, all right?
So now I'm getting upset, right?
I'm like calm down, donna,don't don't, don't do it, cause
you gotta be the example.
So I called her back downstairs.
I said listen you, you walkedaway while I was talking.
(16:53):
She said oh, you were done.
I started laughing.
I said all right, you have agood night, cause what I, what I
thought at that moment is Ichoose peace today because that
situation was like really soanyway.
So that happened the day before.
Next fast forward next day.
Now she's calling me from thenurse's office saying that she's
(17:15):
sick.
Now, you got to know your child.
I know that if her and I getinto something, she's going to
now act like there's somethingwrong with her, like she's going
to be dramatic, she's going tobe sick, da da da.
So she got upset with mebecause I wouldn't pick her up.
Oh, you're gonna pick me up,fine, the nurse asked can she
get some ibuprofen?
(17:35):
Fine, later that evening shecome home and she's still upset.
Y'all, she's still she mad.
Right, we go back and forth fora second or whatever.
I called her older sister whohelps me out a lot.
I'm like listen, this is what'sgoing on.
We take a break from each otherbecause the conversation was
just getting way too heated.
I needed to go to work thenight before, so it just was a
(17:57):
lot.
The next day y'all this is whatI'm telling y'all you got to
know your kids, kids and yougotta just be stern, like, don't
even be questioning yourparenting sometimes, because
these kids will make you feellike you're crazy and that that
you're making up stuff and thatthey're right and you're wrong.
The next day she calls me fromschool, says can I go to a
(18:20):
soccer game?
Now?
I'm like I thought you weresick.
Oh no, I'm perfectly fine now.
I'm perfectly fine now.
And it's crazy because the nightthat we had the heated debate,
when I sent her over hersister's house for us to have
some part-time, I really startedquestioning myself like yo, was
(18:42):
I too hard?
Was she really sick?
Am I too hard on her?
Man?
The next day, that was myconfirmation this girl is
playing you.
And this is why I said you gotto know your kids, you got to
have great relationship withthem, because you got to know
when they're trying to play youand when they're not.
And it's hard sometimes to tell.
So that's the story for her.
So, yeah, she's perfectly finey'all, there's nothing wrong
(19:04):
with her at all.
She went perfectly fine, y'all,there's nothing wrong with her
at all.
She went to the soccer game,she had fun with her friends.
She came, she came home fromthe game, gave me a hug, hey,
mom, hey, mom.
And you know I said hey,daughter, and I gave her a hug.
But I said all that to say isthat sometimes these kids, man,
they, they make you think thatyou're going off like, but you
have to.
(19:24):
We have to be stern in ourparenting.
We have to be flexible, but wehave to be stern in our
parenting.
We have to be flexible, but yetwe have to be using wisdom in
situations, because these kidsare very manipulative, very even
my own child, and I'm going totell you that.
So, anyway, so that's that'swhat happened.
So, so, anyway, so, parentingwith a purpose.
So situations like that, right,parents question themselves
over and over Am I enough, can Ido it?
(19:45):
Am I equipped to do this?
Um, I only know what I know,right, I only know things from
what happened to me in my past.
I only know things by peoplethat I see.
Um, so there you know.
They say there's not a handbookin parenting.
For me it is.
It's the bible, right, that'smy handbook.
But it's not like detailed,detailed, very detail oriented,
(20:09):
where it's like A, b and C.
It is literally giving you somethings that you should do and
this is better for you to do.
But each part of parenting isreally, because each child is
different, each parent isdifferent.
It really comes to reallyworking on what's best for our
children to be successful andwhatever success looks like for
(20:31):
you and your family.
So is parenting challenging?
Absolutely.
Can anybody parent Absolutely?
Do everybody have the tools toparent?
No, absolutely not.
So the goal of parenting with apurpose is to equip you with the
tools that so bring back theresponsibility, nobility and
(20:54):
beauty back into parenting.
We have to be responsible forourselves and we have to be
responsible for our children.
Our job is raising up the nowgeneration I'm not even going to
say the next generation,because our kids are so smart.
Their intellect is just amazingand it's like blowing me out of
this water of the things thatthey understand and what they
(21:16):
bring to the table at such ayoung age.
So down goes the days where wedon't really have much
conversation with our kids.
Like I love having conversationwith kids now because like they
get my brain tricking, like youknow, and I consider myself a
little OG now that I'm gettingolder but these young, these
young children, these youngparents, they say stuff I'll be
(21:38):
like, wow, you know what thatmakes sense.
So the purpose here is to makesure that we, we all, parent our
children in a way that they'resuccessful, in a way that they
don't have to be like 30 yearsold sitting in a therapist's
office talking about my mamadidn't love me, my dad didn't
love me.
I didn't get to spend time withthem, like all the things that
(22:01):
we as parents probably haveendured throughout our life.
I know me I'm 44 and I'm in atherapy office still dealing
with some parent stuff that I'vedealt with growing up and
really didn't even know howthings affect me until I became
an adult and I start havingcertain behaviors and I couldn't
understand where thesebehaviors come from, came from,
(22:22):
and then the root cause was mebeing fumbled as a child.
There were some deficiencies inparenting, for whatever reason.
I'm not pointing a finger, I'mnot blaming nobody, but the
facts are the facts that therewere some dis-efficiencies and
there was some fumbling going on.
So we're not responsible forhow we're raised, but we're
responsible for how we raiseourselves and how we raise our
(22:45):
children, how we raise ourselvesand how we raise our children.
So part of this is knowing whatthe root of some of our
behaviors are and so that we cancorrect them, so that we don't
pass them to the next generation.
When you look at the worldtoday, a lot of things are going
on and, honestly, when stuff goon with children or young
(23:06):
adults, the first thing they sayis well, where was the parents
at?
What was going on?
What happened to the mom or thedad?
And when we look at it, there'sa lot of deficiencies going on
in parenting and this is why thechildren are behaving a certain
way.
Now, that's not to say thateverything is because of parent
good or bad parenting no,because kids become wavering and
(23:29):
they go astray.
But what I'm saying is that ifwe're not setting a foundation,
it's more than likely we'regoing to have some issues.
For example, the shooting thatwas just recently in Alcapachi.
Right, the young fellow whokilled the people and shooting
(23:51):
people up at the school Did youknow?
The father got arrested?
Yeah, because this particularchild had an issue, was already
kicked out of another school.
A previous school went to thisschool.
The parents failed to tell theschool that there were some
(24:13):
concerns and some issues.
It was almost like the parentsjust ignored the fact that this
kid was very dangerous.
So because the parent it was thefather who was arrested because
he put his son in thissituation of school and put
everybody else's lives in danger.
He was arrested and I thinkhe's going to be he.
He was charged with um, a childendangerment.
(24:37):
Um, it was probably about 12different charges they charged
him with and basically,essentially what they were
saying is that you are a father,you knew your child was a
danger to society and you didnothing about it.
Now let's let that sink in fora second.
You knew your child was adanger to society and you did
(24:58):
nothing about it.
Listen, I love my children withall the love possible, but let
me find out that my child is adanger to society.
As a parent, you got to do thesafeness of your child and the
society.
You don't want other people'schildren dying because you
(25:23):
didn't address the issue or youdidn't warn somebody about
something.
And that's not the first time.
This has happened A lot of theschool shootings recently over
the last couple of years.
The parents are really gettingin trouble for it, which I think
is right Because you know.
You got to know what's going onwith your kids.
You got to check their room.
(25:44):
Even if you have like the mostquietest kid, you still should
be having conversations.
You should be checking theirroom.
Even if you have like the mostquietest kid, you still should
be having conversations.
You should be checking theirroom.
You know you should be makingsure everything is cohesive,
everything's good, um, so thatthere's no surprises.
And I think, um, a lot of timeswe're letting our children
parent themselves so thatthey're getting into whatever
(26:04):
they want to get in, do whateverthey want to do, ordering
whatever they want, want toorder for Amazon, and then we
have the results of these schoolshootings or these school
stabments or just a lot ofthings that could be preventable
.
So that's why parenting is soimportant, because I believe
that parenting is the key.
It's the answer to a lot ofsocietal problems.
(26:25):
I think, proper parenting if weequip our parents.
Because instead of here's mything I keep saying that we're
building more prisons.
Right, building more prisons.
So my thought is, instead ofbuilding more prisons, can we
put that money into the homes ofthe families?
Can we put that money into theparenting?
Give the parents the tools,equip the parents to parent the
(26:49):
best for our children.
Instead of oh, the thought isyou're a jacked up parent,
you're not parenting right andyour kid is suffering and I'm
going to put him in jail now.
That's essentially how it'sgoing right.
So, instead of like investingin prisons, we should be
investing in schools.
We should be investing inparents and family.
(27:11):
You know, I hear a lot and I seea lot.
A lot of times, investments areafter school activities, right
Sports I'm not knocking sports,I'm not knocking clubs.
I think kids need something todo.
I think they should be able toexpress themselves however they
want to, in a healthy manner.
If they like sports, let themplay sports.
If they like to draw, let themdraw.
(27:32):
If they like to read, let themread.
Whatever it is, I'm all for it.
But my question still is whatare we doing for the parents?
We don't want after-schoolprograms to be a babysit and
play something for them to do.
And then what are the parentsdoing?
No, can we perhaps have parentsin groups?
Can we teach the parents?
Can we help them?
(27:52):
Can we have like conversation?
Like you know, it takes avillage to raise children and
parents need a village too,right, so can we have
conversations and parents, andmaybe you have an idea that
works for your kid, that maywork for my kid, but I never
even think about that.
So I think that if we make timeto invest in our parents,
(28:16):
society will be better becauseultimately, we see what's going
on society kids are killingother kids, teachers and things
like that.
Um, and then also, I think thatif we, we invest in the parents
, it's going to help In everyarea.
I even think about education,right, if we give parents the
(28:36):
proper tool Of how to parent Notscreaming all the time, not
cursing their kids out, notbeating their kids, not ignoring
their kids Because you have theopposite of you do too much,
not enough.
It's crazy.
But if we equip our parents ofa better way of parenting where
our children become successful.
Think about the teachers don'thave to yell in the classroom.
(28:57):
They don't have to deal withbehavioral issues, they don't
have to threaten I'm going tocall your mom, I'm going to call
your dad and they're going tocome up here and beat you, like
they don't have to take the timeto deal with behavioral issues.
They can really only they canreally focus on academics, right
, if we give the parents thetools of parent in a way where
(29:19):
our children are growing anddeveloping appropriately, our
teachers don't have to deal withso much at school.
Now, there's going to bechallenges at school, right,
because that's just what it is.
But a lot of times theseteachers are dealing with so
many behavioral issues and thenwhen they call the parent, the
(29:40):
parent comes up and you see whythey have these behavioral
issues right.
So it's a clear indication tome is that you only can do what
you see.
So if they're seeing this andthey're behaving this way, let's
get to the root of thatbehavior, which stems from the
parenting side.
(30:01):
Now, do our kids do stuff thatwe ain't supposed to?
Listen, we were kids and we didstuff that we weren't supposed
to do.
Period right.
But being able to be guided andtaught and trained so that
these behaviors that we havedon't grow into something else
that we won't be able to controlor handle, is important.
(30:23):
I think that the reason why alot of teachers are walking away
is because they're not gettingsupport with these children.
It's like they're babysittingthe kids all day.
Don't do that, stop doing that,do this, sit down, do it all
day, like how are you supposedto learn?
(30:43):
And even the kids that are inthe classroom who are not having
these behavioral concerns thatthey don't get what they need
because we're attending to abehavioral issue.
So, again, I think parenting isso important because if we get
it right in a home when they'reoutside at home, they're going
(31:05):
to be able to get it right.
So this season we're reallygoing to be digging into what it
is to be a parent, what it isto parent on purpose, what it is
to raise up successful heroes,what it is to be responsible,
what it is to be accountable forour children, what it is to
(31:26):
really like go deep into thisparenting thing.
I don't want this to be aseason of surface stuff oh, it's
cute, you're parenting.
Well, no, you're not.
No, you're not.
No, we're not doing that.
We need to get to the real dealissues so that our children are
going to be better.
Right, parents are the firstteachers.
Parents are the firstcheerleaders.
Parents are the first person orpeople to show you what real
(31:48):
love is.
And if parenting and love andpain and hurt are all in the
same sentence, we need to dosomething different, because
then they'll inflict that painon someone else.
So, basically, this season,right, is parenting with a
purpose, the real deal.
How do we get our children tobe successful where the criminal
(32:16):
system do not have to take careof our kids?
Because they want to Believe itor not, the criminal system
want to take care of kids, theywant to take our kids and they
want to lock them up, they wantto throw away the key, they want
to take them out of society.
Right and I'm not just eventalking about black kids, right?
I mean, we know what's going onwith that but just kids in
(32:38):
general.
It's almost like they want totake out this whole generation.
For what?
I have no idea.
But it's up to us to say listen, not on my watch, not on my
watch.
My kid is going to besuccessful, your kid is going to
be successful, this communityis going to be successful, this
(33:02):
state is going to be successfuland, ultimately, the country is
going to be successful.
Why?
Because we're raising our kidsappropriately.
So this season also, though,again, we're talking about how
to raise our kids to besuccessful, but in order to do
that, there are some things.
We're talking about how toraise our kids to be successful,
but in order to do that, thereare some things we need to do on
our own.
There are some things we needto have for ourselves, so we're
going to get into.
You know, last season we werekind of we went into dealing
(33:25):
with our own personal issues,right, healing our wounds so
that we don't bleed on ourchildren.
We're going to dig into thatagain this season, right,
because it's so important thatwe heal.
We heal so that we don't bleedon our children, so that our
children at least have anopportunity to be successful.
A lot of times we're walkingaround wounded and broken and
(33:47):
really don't even know the nextmove and we're literally just
like on this autopilot life.
We're in survival mode.
Parent parenting is not aboutbeing a survival mode to these
kids.
Get 18 to get outside of ourhouse.
That is not what we're supposedto do.
We are responsible for theupbringing, the nurturing, um,
so that they can be the best whoGod has created them to be, um
(34:09):
and that they can contribute tosociety.
Because here's the thing Idon't believe that you should
show up somewhere and leave itworse than it was.
So if we bring our children inthis world, we should have
children that create a betterplace for people in this world,
a better world for us, not bringin to be a menace to society or
detrimental to the community oreven the state or the world.
(34:34):
So I think it's so importantthat we get ourselves together
so that we can parenteffectively and efficiently.
Is there such thing as a perfectparent?
No, but I believe that I'mperfect for my children.
I'm the perfect parent for them.
Why?
Because God has given me mychildren as a gift, so he saw
fit to give me these children.
(34:56):
Now, with that being said, didI have to go, look and research
and find tools so that I canparent Absolutely?
Because I really didn't havegreat examples in my life.
So I had to say, okay, I wantsomething different for my
children.
So what do I need to do?
I had to do a self-evaluationfor my children.
So what do I need to do?
Had to do a self evaluation andstill do to this day, y'all,
because I told y'all last seasonman, they be testing the one
(35:20):
that test my inner gangster.
Like I have adult tempertantrums.
Sometimes in the house I'mthrowing pots and pans on the
ground.
I haven't done in a while,y'all, but I was throwing pots
and pans, having an adult tempertantrum, because it just seemed
like I couldn't control myemotions when I felt
disrespected.
And that comes from somethingI've seen growing up.
(35:40):
Right, is that healthy?
No, are we able to express ourkids that we're upset or we're
frustrated or something?
Absolutely.
But if we want them to behave aparticular way.
We have to be the model forthat.
So when I cut up or when I'mupset, or if I go off, I cool
down and then I apologize to mykids.
(36:01):
Why?
Because this is not thebehavior I want you to see,
because I don't want you to dothis in your own life.
But let me explain to you why.
I did it and I'm sorry, did itand I'm sorry, and I'm working
on it um to be able tocommunicate effectively without
causing any um danger or concernor um giving myself a headache,
(36:25):
y'all.
Because when I go off, then ittakes me time to calm down,
they're upset, it's just, itjust way too much and it's not
necessary, y'all.
So what I'm saying is that Istill have so many flaws in my
parenting and so many times Iask God why, why, why, why, why,
(36:45):
why?
Then I say when will they goaway to college?
When, when, when, right, whenwill they be adults?
Like I'll be asking out alltypes of stuff with these kids,
because it gets heated.
So, even though I'm teachingparenting with a purpose, I know
that my purpose is to raise mychildren to be successful, right
(37:06):
.
My purpose is to make sure I'mgiving them everything they need
so that when they leave out ofmy presence, they're able to
sustain in life right?
So even in that I have my ownflaws and I get frustrated and I
question my parenting sometimes, like, am I doing the right
thing?
Am I good enough to be theirparent?
(37:27):
Listen, get somebody else to doit.
It's a conversation I'll behaving with God.
Y'all.
Get somebody else to do it.
But then God reminds me listen,these children are a gift you
have in you which is necessaryto raise them.
You're doing an excellent job.
Your kids are amazing kids.
Sometimes God even tell me stopfocusing on the small things,
(37:51):
stop nitpicking, stop gettingupset over the smallest little
things.
They have to grow.
Give them grace to grow right.
You don't have to keepmicromanaging their life.
That's why you've trained themand raised them.
So then they begin to take holdof their own life and make
their own decisions.
And because what you put inthem, you have to trust that
(38:12):
what you put in them was thegood stuff and that they're
going to come out fine.
A lot of times, at least for me,because I was parenting in fear
.
I was micromanaging my kidslike trying to tell them every
move so that they don't mess up.
Let me tell you how that is sounhealthy.
Not allowing our children tomess up or even face adversity
(38:36):
is a disservice to them.
Denzel Washington, there's aquote that says ease is a
greater burden to society thanhardship.
So basically, the more like notsaying everybody needs to walk
through hardship, a lot ofhardship.
That's not what I'm saying.
But we can take that hardshipand learn from it and be a help
(38:58):
to someone else in this society.
So, as a mom who was parentingin fear, I was not allowing my
children to be who they are orwho God called them to be to
think for themselves, to walkfor themselves, to talk for
themselves.
I felt like if they did, theyweren't going to make the right
decisions.
So I had to humble myself.
I had to do some work so that Iparent them in a way that they
(39:24):
can grow and prosper.
Like you can't smother a flower, like it's never going to grow.
If you smother a seed, it'snever going to grow.
If you keep that seed indarkness all the time, if you
don't bring that seed to anysunlight, they're not going to
grow.
Like they're literally going todie.
So sometimes, like it's likeeither we're not parenting
enough or we're parenting toomuch.
(39:45):
We need to be able to have abalance y'all.
We need to be able to allow ourkids to grow but yet give them
the structure to grow um, notjust send them out there naked
so the world can close them, butclose them enough where they're
able to sustain themselvesright and able to come back and
get advice.
So I said, all that to say isthat parenting is so important
(40:08):
that I believe that if we getthis thing right, that we can
change the society, we canchange the nation, and for the
good right.
A lot of the issues that we'redealing with is really the
deficiencies in our parenting,and I'm the first one to say
like there are some things thatwe do that's just not right.
And I'm not just saying fromthe side of me parenting, but
(40:30):
from talking to children,talking to other parents,
talking to adults who wereparenting and they felt like
they were fumbled or they evenfeel like there are some things
that they could do better intheir parenting.
So, basically, this season, I'mjust like I'm just so ecstatic
(40:50):
about this season because we'rereally going to be hitting the
things that can help us grow.
It's all about growth anddevelopment.
We can't stay the same, y'allLike I mean, we can't just keep
generation after generationdoing the same thing and
expecting a different result.
No, there's something needs toshift.
There's something needs tochange in our parenting, and I'm
the one here to tell you weneed to get right so that our
(41:13):
children don't die, so that ourchildren can live and have a
prosperous life and have asuccessful life and be able to
change this world Like man.
I'm telling you, the intellectfor these youth right now is
just mind-boggling.
Like the things that they cando, the things that they can say
.
You know, it's just like wow.
I know for a fact that I wasn'tdoing that as a kid, or even
(41:37):
early in.
My parents and my childrenwasn't doing that at all either.
So I think there's so muchpotential with the youth that if
we get ourselves right, that wecan tap into that potential and
they can be successful.
So, yeah, so join us thisseason on Parents With A Purpose
.
I am your host, Donna Janelle,pamela Chapman is my co-host and
we will be digging in.
(41:59):
We're going to be talking aboutthings that you don't want to
talk about.
So I'm telling you it's goingto get uncomfortable.
You're not even going to beable to sit and eat some popcorn
when you watch the show.
You're going to sit there.
You're going to be like, wow,you're going to be taking some
notes.
You're going to be likequestioning your own parenting.
Am I doing things right?
Maybe there are some thingsthat need to.
There's some light bulbs that'sgoing to be clicking, I'm
(42:19):
telling you, with this season,because I think one of the the
um sessions that I'm lookingforward to is the parenting from
prison thing.
I'm looking for the parentingfrom prison and parenting after
prison.
Now the the other topics areamazing.
They're great, I'm telling you.
They're going to blow yoursocks off.
But really, hearing theperspective of somebody who's in
prison and trying to be a dad,somebody's in prison trying to
(42:41):
be a mom, somebody ispost-prison and still cannot see
their own children, I'm excitedabout that.
So join me this season everyThursday, thursday at 7 PM, with
Parenting with a Purpose, wherewe strive to bring back the
responsibility, nobility andbeauty back into parenting.
(43:04):
We parents are the bulls andour children are arrows, and
they will land wherever we aimthem, as long as we give them
the proper tools.
See you guys, thanks forjoining in to Parenting with a
Purpose.
Speaker 1 (43:18):
Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of
Parenting with a Purpose.
Speaker 2 (43:22):
Be sure to follow us every Thursday night at 7 pm at
Parenting with a Purpose.
You can find us wherever youlisten to your podcast.
Be sure to look up ParentingWith A Purpose.
Thank you, welcome to Season 3 of Parenting with a
Purpose.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
I am your host, donna Janelle, and I'm your co-host,
pamela, and this season we havesome exciting sessions.
We got parenting from prison,parenting after prison, cultural
differences in parenting,financial literacy.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
We got all this exciting stuff coming this
season and we're takingparenting with a purpose around
the world.
My name is Omar Skinner.
My name is Brielle.
My name is Renea Chapman.
My name is Pamela.
Speaker 3 (01:58):
Expecting father.
I'm kind of nervous.
Don't really know what toexpect for it.
Speaker 4 (02:03):
I am a single father of two, one boy, one girl.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
I have a husband of almost seven years.
We have one child, which is ababy girl.
I have been a godmother forfive years now.
Speaker 4 (02:15):
Just show parents what a purpose gives you great
information to learn and seeother people's point of view
from different perspective.
Just take it and take heed towhat they say and put it into
your lifestyle.
Speaker 3 (02:30):
Parenting with a purpose for me would be leading
my daughter into the world,showing her that she's not in
this world by herself.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
We all know that it takes a village to raise a child
, just being there for otherindividuals to know like you're
not alone.
There's resources out here,there's villages out here for
you to be a part of, and whenyou're connected with Parents
With a Purpose, you have allthose things right at your front
door.
Speaker 2 (03:16):
Hey everybody, welcome back to Parenting with a
Purpose.
I am your host, donna Janelle,and I am so excited to be back
at season three with the podcast.
It has been an amazing pastseasons one and two, like we
have dived in so many differenttopics.
You know my motto is we talkabout what they don't want to
talk about, things that affectus that we really don't talk
(03:39):
about, because you know, if you,like me when I grew up, a lot
of things you aren't supposed totalk about it's supposed to
stay in your house.
Nobody's supposed to knowanything.
But here at Pants with aPurpose, we take off the veil,
we break that veil and we talkabout things that's affecting
our community, our household andour nation.
Parents are the bows and ourchildren are arrows and they
will land wherever we send them,as long as we equip them, we
(04:02):
give them the tools that theyneed right.
So I am super excited for thisseason, y'all, because the
topics that we're talking aboutis like I will call them hot
topics.
Like these topics is going toget you out of your seat, right.
For example, we're going to betalking about parenting from
prison.
Now we don't even like hearmuch about that.
We know we hear so much aboutthe mother or the father going
(04:25):
in behind bars, right, but wedon't think about what's going
on with the children, thosecaretakers or who are taking
care of the children while theparents are incarcerated, or
even the parents while they'reincarcerated.
Just because you'reincarcerated doesn't mean that
you shouldn't parent, doesn'tmean that you're not a good
parent.
It just means that you got asituation, circumstance, what
makes parenting a little bitmore challenging, a little bit
(04:46):
more difficult, right?
So we're going to be talkingabout that.
We're going to be talking aboutdads who went to jail, right,
was incarcerated, did their time, they come out and then they're
not still allowed to haverelationships with their
children.
Now, I'm not talking about dadsthat have been molesting people
or raping people.
I'm talking about dads thatwent burglary, car theft, like
(05:08):
different other things.
That's not, I guess, harmful toour children, right?
Doesn't stop them from beingthe perfect parent that they
could be for that child, right?
So we're going to be talking tosome dads who aren't even able
to see their children.
They're required to pay childsupport, but they're not able to
see their children.
They're required to pay childsupport, but they're not able to
see their children for whateverreason.
You know, not that the statesaid that they can't see their
(05:30):
children, it's the baby moms,right?
Or then we're also going to betalking to some moms who aren't
able to see their children aswell after they did their time.
Maybe they were on drugs andalcohol and they may screwed up
a little bit in their parentingright.
A lot of times that it'sbecause of whatever they were
dealing with, right?
So even though we make mistakesin our parenting, does not mean
(05:51):
that we should not be parentingright.
Listen, they are our childrenand I believe in redemption
right, that we can get ourselvestogether and we can parent the
best way that we know how right?
And we get help, we get toolsto do it.
So this season, I'm telling you,this season is so lit Like we
will be talking about all thisstuff, right?
We're going to talk about thegood, the bad and the in-between
(06:13):
and co-parenting right?
Listen, I've been single momfor over 14 years now, divorced,
right.
And when I tell you, theco-parenting thing is a
challenge.
So we're going to talk aboutthe good, the bad and the
between.
Can people really successfullyco-parent?
I think so.
Is there challengingco-parenting?
(06:33):
Absolutely, but can parents gettogether for the sake of their
children?
I believe it can.
What else we're talking about?
We're talking about thecultural differences in
parenting, right?
You know, I've been aroundmultiple different cultures and
I've observed and noticed likethere is a real clear cultural
difference in parenting, but thegoal is still the same.
(06:57):
The goal is still love, thegoal is still nurture, the goal
is still for our kids to besuccessful.
So we're going to dive intocultural differences because,
you know, maybe what I do in myculture is different from your
culture and what you do in yourculture is different from mine,
but we can maybe blend somethings.
We can learn stuff from eachother.
Right, we're going to betalking about that.
We're going to be talking aboutchild support.
(07:18):
I know, I know, I know, I know,I know this is a topic that
most people don't want to talkabout.
Child support, what is it usedfor?
Why we get it?
Should you take the person toservices?
Sorry, should you take theperson?
Listen, y'all, I need to calmdown because I'm excited right,
(07:39):
because I'm really excited aboutseason three.
But should we take the motheror the father for child support
legally?
Right?
There's thoughts on both sidesof?
Should we, should we not?
Why do you have to pay somebodyto be responsible?
Why do you have to takesomebody to court to be
responsible for their child?
There's different topics,different discussions regarding
child support we're going totalk about.
(08:00):
There's just a lot of thingsthat I'm so super excited and I
know I keep saying it, butlisten, this is season three.
Y'all.
We are in the building pairedwith the purpose here at CMP
Radio, the voice of Chester, andI am just super excited.
This season I have a co-host,y'all.
I have a co-host.
Her name is Pamela Chan.
(08:21):
You guys know Pam.
She's been on the show multipletimes.
I think I've had on a showabout three or four times last
season and she was a hit.
Everybody loved her.
The chemistry was great, herand I.
And what I love about Pam rightis that we don't agree on
everything in parenting.
Right, pam is a little bityounger than me, but we don't
agree on everything in parenting, you know.
(08:42):
So we do have some parentingdebates, some healthy debates on
parenting, and I see her sideand she sees my side and somehow
we still able to do it healthy.
But this season she's going tobe on here and bring in some
more insight into this parentingthing.
(09:02):
You know Pam is married and shehas a daughter.
I think her daughter is now six, right, so she's married.
She's early in the game ofparenting.
So I like to hear herperspective on parenting.
And you know me, I'm an OG.
I've been parenting for 25years.
14 years I've been parenting asa single mom.
So I come from that point ofbeing married, know what it's
(09:23):
like to parent while married, ofbeing married, know what it's
like to parent while married,and then know what it's like to
parent while I'm not, well,while I'm single, right, um, so
that's exciting.
So we I kind of want to talkabout um tonight.
Tonight is really just likekind of going over what we went
over the first two seasons andwhat's new this season, um,
coming, um.
So, as you know, when we firststarted Parenting with a Purpose
(09:44):
, my job and my goal is to showparents that you could parent
out of any situation.
It don't matter what it iswhether you married, single,
divorced, widowed, foster parent, adoptive parent, it doesn't
matter.
Parenting is, if you'reresponsible for a child, if
you're responsible for a child,if you're responsible for the
(10:05):
upbringing for the child, youare parenting, right?
Um, now, some of us chose to beparents and, like we, we plan
to become a parent.
You know, uh, some of us hadparenting planning sessions or
whatever I'm gonna have this kidat this time, and this some of
us was going to do, and then weend up pregnant, right?
(10:26):
So then, but it doesn't matterhow we have become a parent or I
can speak for me a mother, it'sthe fact that we are now right.
So what are we going to do?
And I found that, throughcoaching parents and just having
a conversation with them, Ifound that it's very difficult
(10:48):
to parent when you have not beenraised, or parent in such a way
to help you become successful.
No shade to any parents thatwere struggling raising their
kids, but the truth is the truth, parents that were struggling
raising their kids, but thetruth is the truth.
(11:08):
Like, a lot of times, parentsfumble their children and it
becomes a generational effect,right?
So I'm parenting how my mom aparent, she's parenting how her
mom a parent, my dad's parentinghow his dad a parent, so on and
so forth, right?
And then that trickles down toour children.
So I found that a lot of timeswhen you have a conversation and
you ask somebody like why doyou do it that way?
(11:31):
I don't know, my mom did it orthat's how my dad did it.
For the point of I'll talk about, even when we talk about
corporal punishment, everybodyknows I don't be beating kids.
No, I don't, and everybodyknows that and everybody who
knows me will know we will havea serious conversation, a debate
, a healthy conversationregarding that.
(11:51):
Now, when I say beating kids, Imean like there's, you know,
there's a line right where itbecomes abuse or it becomes like
discipline.
So I don't believe in abuse,right?
Um, I was a child that wasabused, so that kind of.
I kind of look at that a littlebit differently, but I do
(12:13):
believe in discipline.
Now that I have four kids Now,when I had the first two, I'm
just, like you know, time outhere, time out there.
But when I got those last twothat I heard from my sister man
time out there, but when I gotthose last two that I inherited
from my sister man, one of themtouched my inner gangster.
Now, oh, I didn't tell y'allthe story this week about her.
(12:34):
Pause, we're going to pauseright there.
I'm going to tell y'all abouther.
Y'all know I got a story aboutthis one.
Now I got four children right25, 18, 16, and 16.
One male, three females.
My 18-year-old is off in bootcamp in marines, y'all.
She got five weeks left, right.
But the 16 year old girl whotests my inner gangster she
called me um from school theother day, right, she was like
(12:57):
mom, mom, can you pick me up?
I'm not feeling well.
I was like no, what do you mean?
You're not feeling well?
She said, listen, I feel reallybad.
I said, listen, explain to meyour symptoms.
Now, first of all, my kids knowthat you're not even supposed
to go to the nurse office,because if I sent you to school,
that means I know that you arewell enough to sustain yourself
throughout the school day.
Right, you don't need to go tothe nurse's office.
(13:19):
I'm a nurse, I don't need yougoing to the nurses.
So my children knew for yearsnot to go to the nurse offices
unless they're bleeding or theycouldn't breathe or they're
halfway dead period.
Because if I'm sending you toschool, that means I know that
you're well enough to sustainthe rest of the day.
Anyway, so she's calling, she'sbeing extra dramatic because
that's what she does and I'mlike no, I'm not picking you up.
She was like no, I really needyou to pick me up.
(13:41):
I said, no, I'm not doing it.
And here's the thing you got toknow your kids right the day
before she went to a soccer gamewith her friends.
She was having fun at thesoccer game.
She, she came in the house, shewas bubbly and everything.
We had a conversation regardingher getting in trouble in
(14:02):
school, getting put out of classbecause of her mouth, right.
So I'm'm explaining to her andshe knows I'm gonna tell you
guys about this because I talkedto her about it.
So her teacher told her thatshe needed her to quiet down,
that she was too loud.
My daughter, my 16 year old,lovely daughter, says to the
teacher I can't help it, I'mjust loud, that's who I am.
So the teacher put her out theclass.
(14:22):
So she gets home and we'retalking and and I'm saying to
her she's telling me what shesaid.
She told me the whole thing andI'm like okay, so what part do
you think?
That probably shouldn't happen?
Nothing, because that's who Iam.
I said okay.
So there, I said so there, thisis part teaching y'all we got
to teach our kids because theythink they know everything I
said.
So there are certain ways,certain environments.
(14:45):
You need to kind of switch up alittle bit.
Not change who you are, butmaybe quiet down or just certain
behaviors in certainenvironments.
She says to me oh, so what?
You trying to tell me the codeswitch?
I said essentially she said, oh, I'm not doing that, I'm not
changing who I am.
Now y'all got to know her, tounderstand this body language
(15:05):
and everything.
Now she's small but fierce.
Y'all I'm like well, I thinkyou might want to reconsider
that.
She's like no, why should Ichange who I am?
People need to accept me.
So then I go on.
I said listen here, if you havea job and your, your boss tells
you that you are not, likeyou're too loud, like it's just
(15:27):
causing a corruption, like it'schaos right, nobody wants chaos
and you tell your boss this iswho I am, take it or leave it.
I guarantee you they're goingto leave it.
They're going to tell youyou're fired.
She goes.
I just think I'll find anotherjob.
So it's so crazy, because thisis how our kids are seeing
(15:50):
things on social media, likeattitudes and everything, and
even if you're teaching them,you know, by example and then
the right attitude.
They still can.
You know they have their peers,social media and things like
that.
So but honestly, this has been achallenge with this one, like
all the time, like she does.
Just that's her personality.
So I had to think about a wayto teach her where it doesn't
(16:13):
crush her spirit, doesn't changewho she is, but also just tweak
you a little bit for theenvironment.
I said to her listen there,there's times I can certainly
get loud and, you know,obnoxious, like I can do a lot
of things, but I got to beprofessional in certain
environments.
So she gets upset with me y'all.
She walks away while I'mtalking.
(16:33):
Now that gets under my skin.
I feel like it's disrespectful.
If I'm having a conversationwith you, why are you walking
away, all right?
So now I'm getting upset, right?
I'm like calm down, donna,don't don't, don't do it, cause
you gotta be the example.
So I called her back downstairs.
I said listen you, you walkedaway while I was talking.
(16:53):
She said oh, you were done.
I started laughing.
I said all right, you have agood night, cause what I, what I
thought at that moment is Ichoose peace today because that
situation was like really soanyway.
So that happened the day before.
Next fast forward next day.
Now she's calling me from thenurse's office saying that she's
(17:15):
sick.
Now, you got to know your child.
I know that if her and I getinto something, she's going to
now act like there's somethingwrong with her, like she's going
to be dramatic, she's going tobe sick, da da da.
So she got upset with mebecause I wouldn't pick her up.
Oh, you're gonna pick me up,fine, the nurse asked can she
get some ibuprofen?
(17:35):
Fine, later that evening shecome home and she's still upset.
Y'all, she's still she mad.
Right, we go back and forth fora second or whatever.
I called her older sister whohelps me out a lot.
I'm like listen, this is what'sgoing on.
We take a break from each otherbecause the conversation was
just getting way too heated.
I needed to go to work thenight before, so it just was a
(17:57):
lot.
The next day y'all this is whatI'm telling y'all you got to
know your kids, kids and yougotta just be stern, like, don't
even be questioning yourparenting sometimes, because
these kids will make you feellike you're crazy and that that
you're making up stuff and thatthey're right and you're wrong.
The next day she calls me fromschool, says can I go to a
(18:20):
soccer game?
Now?
I'm like I thought you weresick.
Oh no, I'm perfectly fine now.
I'm perfectly fine now.
And it's crazy because the nightthat we had the heated debate,
when I sent her over hersister's house for us to have
some part-time, I really startedquestioning myself like yo, was
(18:42):
I too hard?
Was she really sick?
Am I too hard on her?
Man?
The next day, that was myconfirmation this girl is
playing you.
And this is why I said you gotto know your kids, you got to
have great relationship withthem, because you got to know
when they're trying to play youand when they're not.
And it's hard sometimes to tell.
So that's the story for her.
So, yeah, she's perfectly finey'all, there's nothing wrong
(19:04):
with her at all.
She went perfectly fine, y'all,there's nothing wrong with her
at all.
She went to the soccer game,she had fun with her friends.
She came, she came home fromthe game, gave me a hug, hey,
mom, hey, mom.
And you know I said hey,daughter, and I gave her a hug.
But I said all that to say isthat sometimes these kids, man,
they, they make you think thatyou're going off like, but you
have to.
(19:24):
We have to be stern in ourparenting.
We have to be flexible, but wehave to be stern in our
parenting.
We have to be flexible, but yetwe have to be using wisdom in
situations, because these kidsare very manipulative, very even
my own child, and I'm going totell you that.
So, anyway, so that's that'swhat happened.
So, so, anyway, so, parentingwith a purpose.
So situations like that, right,parents question themselves
over and over Am I enough, can Ido it?
(19:45):
Am I equipped to do this?
Um, I only know what I know,right, I only know things from
what happened to me in my past.
I only know things by peoplethat I see.
Um, so there you know.
They say there's not a handbookin parenting.
For me it is.
It's the bible, right, that'smy handbook.
But it's not like detailed,detailed, very detail oriented,
(20:09):
where it's like A, b and C.
It is literally giving you somethings that you should do and
this is better for you to do.
But each part of parenting isreally, because each child is
different, each parent isdifferent.
It really comes to reallyworking on what's best for our
children to be successful andwhatever success looks like for
(20:31):
you and your family.
So is parenting challenging?
Absolutely.
Can anybody parent Absolutely?
Do everybody have the tools toparent?
No, absolutely not.
So the goal of parenting with apurpose is to equip you with the
tools that so bring back theresponsibility, nobility and
(20:54):
beauty back into parenting.
We have to be responsible forourselves and we have to be
responsible for our children.
Our job is raising up the nowgeneration I'm not even going to
say the next generation,because our kids are so smart.
Their intellect is just amazingand it's like blowing me out of
this water of the things thatthey understand and what they
(21:16):
bring to the table at such ayoung age.
So down goes the days where wedon't really have much
conversation with our kids.
Like I love having conversationwith kids now because like they
get my brain tricking, like youknow, and I consider myself a
little OG now that I'm gettingolder but these young, these
young children, these youngparents, they say stuff I'll be
(21:38):
like, wow, you know what thatmakes sense.
So the purpose here is to makesure that we, we all, parent our
children in a way that they'resuccessful, in a way that they
don't have to be like 30 yearsold sitting in a therapist's
office talking about my mamadidn't love me, my dad didn't
love me.
I didn't get to spend time withthem, like all the things that
(22:01):
we as parents probably haveendured throughout our life.
I know me I'm 44 and I'm in atherapy office still dealing
with some parent stuff that I'vedealt with growing up and
really didn't even know howthings affect me until I became
an adult and I start havingcertain behaviors and I couldn't
understand where thesebehaviors come from, came from,
(22:22):
and then the root cause was mebeing fumbled as a child.
There were some deficiencies inparenting, for whatever reason.
I'm not pointing a finger, I'mnot blaming nobody, but the
facts are the facts that therewere some dis-efficiencies and
there was some fumbling going on.
So we're not responsible forhow we're raised, but we're
responsible for how we raiseourselves and how we raise our
(22:45):
children, how we raise ourselvesand how we raise our children.
So part of this is knowing whatthe root of some of our
behaviors are and so that we cancorrect them, so that we don't
pass them to the next generation.
When you look at the worldtoday, a lot of things are going
on and, honestly, when stuff goon with children or young
(23:06):
adults, the first thing they sayis well, where was the parents
at?
What was going on?
What happened to the mom or thedad?
And when we look at it, there'sa lot of deficiencies going on
in parenting and this is why thechildren are behaving a certain
way.
Now, that's not to say thateverything is because of parent
good or bad parenting no,because kids become wavering and
(23:29):
they go astray.
But what I'm saying is that ifwe're not setting a foundation,
it's more than likely we'regoing to have some issues.
For example, the shooting thatwas just recently in Alcapachi.
Right, the young fellow whokilled the people and shooting
(23:51):
people up at the school Did youknow?
The father got arrested?
Yeah, because this particularchild had an issue, was already
kicked out of another school.
A previous school went to thisschool.
The parents failed to tell theschool that there were some
(24:13):
concerns and some issues.
It was almost like the parentsjust ignored the fact that this
kid was very dangerous.
So because the parent it was thefather who was arrested because
he put his son in thissituation of school and put
everybody else's lives in danger.
He was arrested and I thinkhe's going to be he.
He was charged with um, a childendangerment.
(24:37):
Um, it was probably about 12different charges they charged
him with and basically,essentially what they were
saying is that you are a father,you knew your child was a
danger to society and you didnothing about it.
Now let's let that sink in fora second.
You knew your child was adanger to society and you did
(24:58):
nothing about it.
Listen, I love my children withall the love possible, but let
me find out that my child is adanger to society.
As a parent, you got to do thesafeness of your child and the
society.
You don't want other people'schildren dying because you
(25:23):
didn't address the issue or youdidn't warn somebody about
something.
And that's not the first time.
This has happened A lot of theschool shootings recently over
the last couple of years.
The parents are really gettingin trouble for it, which I think
is right Because you know.
You got to know what's going onwith your kids.
You got to check their room.
(25:44):
Even if you have like the mostquietest kid, you still should
be having conversations.
You should be checking theirroom.
Even if you have like the mostquietest kid, you still should
be having conversations.
You should be checking theirroom.
You know you should be makingsure everything is cohesive,
everything's good, um, so thatthere's no surprises.
And I think, um, a lot of timeswe're letting our children
parent themselves so thatthey're getting into whatever
(26:04):
they want to get in, do whateverthey want to do, ordering
whatever they want, want toorder for Amazon, and then we
have the results of these schoolshootings or these school
stabments or just a lot ofthings that could be preventable
.
So that's why parenting is soimportant, because I believe
that parenting is the key.
It's the answer to a lot ofsocietal problems.
(26:25):
I think, proper parenting if weequip our parents.
Because instead of here's mything I keep saying that we're
building more prisons.
Right, building more prisons.
So my thought is, instead ofbuilding more prisons, can we
put that money into the homes ofthe families?
Can we put that money into theparenting?
Give the parents the tools,equip the parents to parent the
(26:49):
best for our children.
Instead of oh, the thought isyou're a jacked up parent,
you're not parenting right andyour kid is suffering and I'm
going to put him in jail now.
That's essentially how it'sgoing right.
So, instead of like investingin prisons, we should be
investing in schools.
We should be investing inparents and family.
(27:11):
You know, I hear a lot and I seea lot.
A lot of times, investments areafter school activities, right
Sports I'm not knocking sports,I'm not knocking clubs.
I think kids need something todo.
I think they should be able toexpress themselves however they
want to, in a healthy manner.
If they like sports, let themplay sports.
If they like to draw, let themdraw.
(27:32):
If they like to read, let themread.
Whatever it is, I'm all for it.
But my question still is whatare we doing for the parents?
We don't want after-schoolprograms to be a babysit and
play something for them to do.
And then what are the parentsdoing?
No, can we perhaps have parentsin groups?
Can we teach the parents?
Can we help them?
(27:52):
Can we have like conversation?
Like you know, it takes avillage to raise children and
parents need a village too,right, so can we have
conversations and parents, andmaybe you have an idea that
works for your kid, that maywork for my kid, but I never
even think about that.
So I think that if we make timeto invest in our parents,
(28:16):
society will be better becauseultimately, we see what's going
on society kids are killingother kids, teachers and things
like that.
Um, and then also, I think thatif we, we invest in the parents
, it's going to help In everyarea.
I even think about education,right, if we give parents the
(28:36):
proper tool Of how to parent Notscreaming all the time, not
cursing their kids out, notbeating their kids, not ignoring
their kids Because you have theopposite of you do too much,
not enough.
It's crazy.
But if we equip our parents ofa better way of parenting where
our children become successful.
Think about the teachers don'thave to yell in the classroom.
(28:57):
They don't have to deal withbehavioral issues, they don't
have to threaten I'm going tocall your mom, I'm going to call
your dad and they're going tocome up here and beat you, like
they don't have to take the timeto deal with behavioral issues.
They can really only they canreally focus on academics, right
, if we give the parents thetools of parent in a way where
(29:19):
our children are growing anddeveloping appropriately, our
teachers don't have to deal withso much at school.
Now, there's going to bechallenges at school, right,
because that's just what it is.
But a lot of times theseteachers are dealing with so
many behavioral issues and thenwhen they call the parent, the
(29:40):
parent comes up and you see whythey have these behavioral
issues right.
So it's a clear indication tome is that you only can do what
you see.
So if they're seeing this andthey're behaving this way, let's
get to the root of thatbehavior, which stems from the
parenting side.
(30:01):
Now, do our kids do stuff thatwe ain't supposed to?
Listen, we were kids and we didstuff that we weren't supposed
to do.
Period right.
But being able to be guided andtaught and trained so that
these behaviors that we havedon't grow into something else
that we won't be able to controlor handle, is important.
(30:23):
I think that the reason why alot of teachers are walking away
is because they're not gettingsupport with these children.
It's like they're babysittingthe kids all day.
Don't do that, stop doing that,do this, sit down, do it all
day, like how are you supposedto learn?
(30:43):
And even the kids that are inthe classroom who are not having
these behavioral concerns thatthey don't get what they need
because we're attending to abehavioral issue.
So, again, I think parenting isso important because if we get
it right in a home when they'reoutside at home, they're going
(31:05):
to be able to get it right.
So this season we're reallygoing to be digging into what it
is to be a parent, what it isto parent on purpose, what it is
to raise up successful heroes,what it is to be responsible,
what it is to be accountable forour children, what it is to
(31:26):
really like go deep into thisparenting thing.
I don't want this to be aseason of surface stuff oh, it's
cute, you're parenting.
Well, no, you're not.
No, you're not.
No, we're not doing that.
We need to get to the real dealissues so that our children are
going to be better.
Right, parents are the firstteachers.
Parents are the firstcheerleaders.
Parents are the first person orpeople to show you what real
(31:48):
love is.
And if parenting and love andpain and hurt are all in the
same sentence, we need to dosomething different, because
then they'll inflict that painon someone else.
So, basically, this season,right, is parenting with a
purpose, the real deal.
How do we get our children tobe successful where the criminal
(32:16):
system do not have to take careof our kids?
Because they want to Believe itor not, the criminal system
want to take care of kids, theywant to take our kids and they
want to lock them up, they wantto throw away the key, they want
to take them out of society.
Right and I'm not just eventalking about black kids, right?
I mean, we know what's going onwith that but just kids in
(32:38):
general.
It's almost like they want totake out this whole generation.
For what?
I have no idea.
But it's up to us to say listen, not on my watch, not on my
watch.
My kid is going to besuccessful, your kid is going to
be successful, this communityis going to be successful, this
(33:02):
state is going to be successfuland, ultimately, the country is
going to be successful.
Why?
Because we're raising our kidsappropriately.
So this season also, though,again, we're talking about how
to raise our kids to besuccessful, but in order to do
that, there are some things.
We're talking about how toraise our kids to be successful,
but in order to do that, thereare some things we need to do on
our own.
There are some things we needto have for ourselves, so we're
going to get into.
You know, last season we werekind of we went into dealing
(33:25):
with our own personal issues,right, healing our wounds so
that we don't bleed on ourchildren.
We're going to dig into thatagain this season, right,
because it's so important thatwe heal.
We heal so that we don't bleedon our children, so that our
children at least have anopportunity to be successful.
A lot of times we're walkingaround wounded and broken and
(33:47):
really don't even know the nextmove and we're literally just
like on this autopilot life.
We're in survival mode.
Parent parenting is not aboutbeing a survival mode to these
kids.
Get 18 to get outside of ourhouse.
That is not what we're supposedto do.
We are responsible for theupbringing, the nurturing, um,
so that they can be the best whoGod has created them to be, um
(34:09):
and that they can contribute tosociety.
Because here's the thing Idon't believe that you should
show up somewhere and leave itworse than it was.
So if we bring our children inthis world, we should have
children that create a betterplace for people in this world,
a better world for us, not bringin to be a menace to society or
detrimental to the community oreven the state or the world.
(34:34):
So I think it's so importantthat we get ourselves together
so that we can parenteffectively and efficiently.
Is there such thing as a perfectparent?
No, but I believe that I'mperfect for my children.
I'm the perfect parent for them.
Why?
Because God has given me mychildren as a gift, so he saw
fit to give me these children.
(34:56):
Now, with that being said, didI have to go, look and research
and find tools so that I canparent Absolutely?
Because I really didn't havegreat examples in my life.
So I had to say, okay, I wantsomething different for my
children.
So what do I need to do?
I had to do a self-evaluationfor my children.
So what do I need to do?
Had to do a self evaluation andstill do to this day, y'all,
because I told y'all last seasonman, they be testing the one
(35:20):
that test my inner gangster.
Like I have adult tempertantrums.
Sometimes in the house I'mthrowing pots and pans on the
ground.
I haven't done in a while,y'all, but I was throwing pots
and pans, having an adult tempertantrum, because it just seemed
like I couldn't control myemotions when I felt
disrespected.
And that comes from somethingI've seen growing up.
(35:40):
Right, is that healthy?
No, are we able to express ourkids that we're upset or we're
frustrated or something?
Absolutely.
But if we want them to behave aparticular way.
We have to be the model forthat.
So when I cut up or when I'mupset, or if I go off, I cool
down and then I apologize to mykids.
(36:01):
Why?
Because this is not thebehavior I want you to see,
because I don't want you to dothis in your own life.
But let me explain to you why.
I did it and I'm sorry, did itand I'm sorry, and I'm working
on it um to be able tocommunicate effectively without
causing any um danger or concernor um giving myself a headache,
(36:25):
y'all.
Because when I go off, then ittakes me time to calm down,
they're upset, it's just, itjust way too much and it's not
necessary, y'all.
So what I'm saying is that Istill have so many flaws in my
parenting and so many times Iask God why, why, why, why, why,
(36:45):
why?
Then I say when will they goaway to college?
When, when, when, right, whenwill they be adults?
Like I'll be asking out alltypes of stuff with these kids,
because it gets heated.
So, even though I'm teachingparenting with a purpose, I know
that my purpose is to raise mychildren to be successful, right
(37:06):
.
My purpose is to make sure I'mgiving them everything they need
so that when they leave out ofmy presence, they're able to
sustain in life right?
So even in that I have my ownflaws and I get frustrated and I
question my parenting sometimes, like, am I doing the right
thing?
Am I good enough to be theirparent?
(37:27):
Listen, get somebody else to doit.
It's a conversation I'll behaving with God.
Y'all.
Get somebody else to do it.
But then God reminds me listen,these children are a gift you
have in you which is necessaryto raise them.
You're doing an excellent job.
Your kids are amazing kids.
Sometimes God even tell me stopfocusing on the small things,
(37:51):
stop nitpicking, stop gettingupset over the smallest little
things.
They have to grow.
Give them grace to grow right.
You don't have to keepmicromanaging their life.
That's why you've trained themand raised them.
So then they begin to take holdof their own life and make
their own decisions.
And because what you put inthem, you have to trust that
(38:12):
what you put in them was thegood stuff and that they're
going to come out fine.
A lot of times, at least for me,because I was parenting in fear
.
I was micromanaging my kidslike trying to tell them every
move so that they don't mess up.
Let me tell you how that is sounhealthy.
Not allowing our children tomess up or even face adversity
(38:36):
is a disservice to them.
Denzel Washington, there's aquote that says ease is a
greater burden to society thanhardship.
So basically, the more like notsaying everybody needs to walk
through hardship, a lot ofhardship.
That's not what I'm saying.
But we can take that hardshipand learn from it and be a help
(38:58):
to someone else in this society.
So, as a mom who was parentingin fear, I was not allowing my
children to be who they are orwho God called them to be to
think for themselves, to walkfor themselves, to talk for
themselves.
I felt like if they did, theyweren't going to make the right
decisions.
So I had to humble myself.
I had to do some work so that Iparent them in a way that they
(39:24):
can grow and prosper.
Like you can't smother a flower, like it's never going to grow.
If you smother a seed, it'snever going to grow.
If you keep that seed indarkness all the time, if you
don't bring that seed to anysunlight, they're not going to
grow.
Like they're literally going todie.
So sometimes, like it's likeeither we're not parenting
enough or we're parenting toomuch.
(39:45):
We need to be able to have abalance y'all.
We need to be able to allow ourkids to grow but yet give them
the structure to grow um, notjust send them out there naked
so the world can close them, butclose them enough where they're
able to sustain themselvesright and able to come back and
get advice.
So I said, all that to say isthat parenting is so important
(40:08):
that I believe that if we getthis thing right, that we can
change the society, we canchange the nation, and for the
good right.
A lot of the issues that we'redealing with is really the
deficiencies in our parenting,and I'm the first one to say
like there are some things thatwe do that's just not right.
And I'm not just saying fromthe side of me parenting, but
(40:30):
from talking to children,talking to other parents,
talking to adults who wereparenting and they felt like
they were fumbled or they evenfeel like there are some things
that they could do better intheir parenting.
So, basically, this season, I'mjust like I'm just so ecstatic
(40:50):
about this season because we'rereally going to be hitting the
things that can help us grow.
It's all about growth anddevelopment.
We can't stay the same, y'allLike I mean, we can't just keep
generation after generationdoing the same thing and
expecting a different result.
No, there's something needs toshift.
There's something needs tochange in our parenting, and I'm
the one here to tell you weneed to get right so that our
(41:13):
children don't die, so that ourchildren can live and have a
prosperous life and have asuccessful life and be able to
change this world Like man.
I'm telling you, the intellectfor these youth right now is
just mind-boggling.
Like the things that they cando, the things that they can say
.
You know, it's just like wow.
I know for a fact that I wasn'tdoing that as a kid, or even
(41:37):
early in.
My parents and my childrenwasn't doing that at all either.
So I think there's so muchpotential with the youth that if
we get ourselves right, that wecan tap into that potential and
they can be successful.
So, yeah, so join us thisseason on Parents With A Purpose
.
I am your host, Donna Janelle,pamela Chapman is my co-host and
we will be digging in.
(41:59):
We're going to be talking aboutthings that you don't want to
talk about.
So I'm telling you it's goingto get uncomfortable.
You're not even going to beable to sit and eat some popcorn
when you watch the show.
You're going to sit there.
You're going to be like, wow,you're going to be taking some
notes.
You're going to be likequestioning your own parenting.
Am I doing things right?
Maybe there are some thingsthat need to.
There's some light bulbs that'sgoing to be clicking, I'm
(42:19):
telling you, with this season,because I think one of the the
um sessions that I'm lookingforward to is the parenting from
prison thing.
I'm looking for the parentingfrom prison and parenting after
prison.
Now the the other topics areamazing.
They're great, I'm telling you.
They're going to blow yoursocks off.
But really, hearing theperspective of somebody who's in
prison and trying to be a dad,somebody's in prison trying to
(42:41):
be a mom, somebody ispost-prison and still cannot see
their own children, I'm excitedabout that.
So join me this season everyThursday, thursday at 7 PM, with
Parenting with a Purpose, wherewe strive to bring back the
responsibility, nobility andbeauty back into parenting.
(43:04):
We parents are the bulls andour children are arrows, and
they will land wherever we aimthem, as long as we give them
the proper tools.
See you guys, thanks forjoining in to Parenting with a
Purpose.
Speaker 1 (43:18):
Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of
Parenting with a Purpose.
Speaker 2 (43:22):
Be sure to follow us every Thursday night at 7 pm at
Parenting with a Purpose.
You can find us wherever youlisten to your podcast.
Be sure to look up ParentingWith A Purpose.
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