Guiding Hands: Fathers Shaping Tomorrow's Leaders

Send us a text

Have you ever wondered how the roles of fathers shape the future of their children? Join us on "Parenting with a Purpose" as we celebrate the unsung heroes of fatherhood. This episode delves into the multifaceted responsibilities of fathers in nurturing well-rounded children, especially during June—Father's Month. I share personal stories about prepping my daughter Lizzie for her next big step into the Marines and reflect on our recent peaceful family moments. Fathers, like bows aiming their children as arrows, are instrumental in guiding their kids towards success.

Our special guest, Timothy Moody—better known as Moody—adds a compelling layer to our discussion. As a state trooper and father of two daughters, Moody offers invaluable insights into the challenges and triumphs of fatherhood. He joins frequent contributor Pam and me to discuss the critical role fathers play in their households and communities. Moody's background in mental health further enriches our conversation, emphasizing how paternal involvement impacts children's development and the broader community.

We also tackle the essential roles fathers play in ensuring financial stability and providing emotional support. From overcoming financial hurdles to fostering communication skills in children, we cover it all. Additionally, we emphasize the importance of self-care, not just for parents but for the entire family. Through heartfelt anecdotes and practical advice, this episode underscores the critical need for both parents to work together in raising resilient and well-rounded children. Tune in to gain actionable insights and celebrate the irreplaceable role of fathers in our lives.

Parents are the Bows and Children are the Arrows they will land wherever we aim them eventually!

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (01:02):
Thank you, bye, thank you, hey everybody, welcome

(01:50):
back to Parenting with a Purpose.
I am your host, the one andonly Donna Janelle, where we
strive to bring back theresponsibility, nobility and
beauty back into parenting.
We know, I tell you, parentingis a hard.
Knock life out here for us,right?
So I was told by my bonus momstop saying stuff, it's hard.
I'm like mom, it's hard, it'shard, it's hard.
So my new word is parenting ischallenging y'all, it's very

(02:12):
challenging, okay, um, and youknow, and we're the bows and our
children are arrows and they'regonna go wherever we aim them
they're gonna land may not betoday, may not be tomorrow, man,
it may not even be the nextfive years.
I I'm going to keep it real, butthey're going to land
eventually, right?
As long as we give them thetools, as long as we dress them
so that the world doesn't dressthem because we know the world

(02:33):
will dress you up with anythingright?
But as long as we give our kidsthe proper tools, they will be
successful, whatever successmeans for them and your family.
You know, success is differentfor everybody, right?
But as long as we're giving ourkids their tools, man, they're
going to be able to utilize sometools in their future the
father-father future.
It's just somewhere.
Somehow they will be able to dowhat you have already poured

(02:56):
into them.
May not be the same way that wedo it, but they will do it
right.
So our job as parents is makesure that we give our kids the
tools so that they can go outand be productive in life, right
, be successful, right.
So that's what we do at ParentsWith Purpose, and we talk about
what they don't talk about.
You know, you guys have beenwatching this show and we talk

(03:16):
about some stuff, like last weekwe talked about some stuff
regarding fathers and thingslike that.
So the month of June, you know,has been all about dads, right,
we've had all dads on the showand just talking about the role
and importance of a father.
I think we don't give ourfathers enough kudos out here,
right, I think we don't talkabout, you know, the single dad,
the married dad, theco-parenting dad, like dads in

(03:37):
all shapes and sizes, as much aswe do the mothers, right,
mothers I mean we are, are, youknow, pretty much the foundation
as well, and that we take a lotgoing and sometimes, um, I
think we just talk too muchabout just being the mother and
not giving a man the kudos,because you need a mother and a
father, whether you're in thehouse or outside of the
household, to raise yourchildren.

(03:58):
Like parents need kids needboth parents, period.
Yes, you know, I told y'alllast week, being a single mom is
not a flex.
If y'all want to flex, y'allcan go ahead, y'all can have
that.
I've been doing that for 15years now.
I don't like it, okay, don'tlike it.
So, um, basically, that's whatwe talk about tonight about dads
.
Um, you know, I'm trying tothink if I got a story about my

(04:19):
kids y'all, because you know Ialways got a story about
somebody.
But honestly, you know what itis, it is.
It's really everybody's been.
You know they're out of schooland everybody's been like kind
of chilling.
Right now we all just geared upfor, you know, as I said last
week, for Lizzie to go to theMarines.
You know we got a little partyfor her this weekend.
But that's kind of what we'vebeen focused on.

(04:39):
We've been doing nothing.
They ain't been cutting up.
They ain't been cutting up.
They ain't been testing myinner gangsta.
They actually been doing cool.
Now that I think about it, Idon't know if I should say that,
but they haven't really beentesting my inner gangsta like
they normally do.
But tonight we have guests here.
So you guys all know Pam.
Pam, she's been a frequentflyer on the show.

(04:59):
You're going to see her a lotmore.
And then we now have TimothyMoody, but we call him Moody,
right?
He like to go by Moody.
So he is our guest here.
And me and Pam.
You know usually it's like alot more testosterone in here.
They be trying to double teamme, triple team me and stuff
like that when all the men be inthe studio.
But I got Pam as my backuptoday, y'all okay.

(05:19):
So we're going to kind ofdouble team Moody today about
this father thing.
You know, especially beinggirls and you know most girls
are father daughters Like I'msuch a daddy's girl it's crazy.
So thank you for coming.

Speaker 3 (05:36):
Thank you for having me.
I'm excited to be here.
Let's see.
Let's see what's going to go on.
I'm scared because you said youwere going to double team, so
I'm ready for y'all, y'all readylisten.

Speaker 1 (05:47):
With your job, I think you good.
So, moody, tell us a little bitabout yourself, what you do,
how many kids you got.

Speaker 3 (05:55):
Break it down a little bit so, like I said, my
name is Timothy Moody.
I don't know I got this name myhigh school Moody, so I just go
by that.
Everybody calls me Moody.
My father, obviously to two, mywife we're supportive and I'm a
state trooper.
So I've been a state trooperfor two, almost three years.
And that's a little bit aboutme.

(06:17):
We'll talk a little bit morewhen we get here.
How many children do you have?
I got two girls Two.
How many children do you have?
I got two girls Two girls,girls, okay.
Two boys in the car, two girls,so it's a little different
aspect.
I bet it is, I bet it is.
How old are your girls?
So my girls the oldest is four,She'll be two in September, and

(06:38):
the youngest, oh man, notyounger she is two and she'll be
three in January.

Speaker 1 (06:46):
Yo does that youngest , test your inner gangster a
little bit.
She tests me all the time.
That's the one.

Speaker 2 (06:50):
That's the one Every day she tests me.

Speaker 3 (06:53):
I got to realize she a girl and sometimes I just got
to do something.

Speaker 1 (06:58):
Yo, it's always one, like I have the four and I'm
telling you that's cool.
One of them tests my innergames, just so much I keep me on
my knees in prayer.
You know, I was like you knowwhat?
You and I have an amazingrelationship with God.
You are it because, girl, butthat's cool, all right, welcome
to the show.
All right.
So we've been talking aboutthis whole month.

(07:19):
We've been talking about therole of a father and the
importance of a father, becauseyou know, you can have a role
but not really understand theimportance of that role, the
value of that role and what itbrings to the household, to the
child, to the community, to theworld at large.
You know, I had a guest on herelast week.
He was really good.
Like we were talking about likethe importance of it and how it

(07:42):
really does transcend into ourcommunity, because when we look
at it, it and it's good thatyou're a state trooper- too,
because I know you probably seesome stuff out there, see a lot
of stuff.

Speaker 3 (07:52):
I see a lot of stuff, um and.
But but before that I actuallydid a lot of mental health uh
things with kids.
So, um, I did like normaltherapy and I worked actually in
like uh treatment facilitiesand things like that and I see a
lot of times people, parents ingeneral I know you're talking
about fathers, but you see a lotof those things like those

(08:12):
negative things or things thatdon't fit in the society kind of
goes stems back from what isgiven or not given to the parent
, or from the kid, whether it bemother or father, like you know
what I mean.
But a lot of those kidstraditionally didn't have their
father and their right thingslike that.

Speaker 1 (08:28):
So oh wow, oh, that's what's up yeah, yeah, this is,
this is gonna be good.
It's gonna be good because Ithink, um, when we think about
parenting and, like, when yousee things happen with our kids
in the society, community, whenyou look down at the root of it,
you always, like 85, see thatit wasn't a father actively
involved in their child's life.
Right, you know they're beingraised by a single mom and it's

(08:49):
not that single mom is.
You know it's hard, but we, wemoms, like we ain't got the
roles of a father, like that'snot my job.

Speaker 2 (08:55):
I'm telling you that's just not I don't want it
like I'm trying to be the bestmom.

Speaker 1 (08:59):
I could be.
You want me to be a dad too,like that.
I don't want to take on thatrole.
But we do the best that we canwith our kids, but I think
traditionally, like a lot oftime, um, we don't.
Single moms or even moms ingeneral, don't understand the
value and importance of a father, like the role of a father.
Can you talk a little bit aboutthe role of a father all?

Speaker 3 (09:19):
right.
So so first of all, kudos toyou, for a single mom, because I
tell my wife all the time.
I don don't know how I'm goingto do this without a child.
So, kudos to you.
But so the role of a father, sothat's like a, that's a loaded
question, right?
So no, role like my roledoesn't really translate to

(09:40):
another person's role, but theykind of like.
Sometimes they might be similar, but it's like with that role
is like like no, like one sizefit all, or whatever so so like
for me I can talk about, likewhat a role like really looks
like for me.
Um so, obviously the biggestrole, not the biggest role in no
particular order, but one thingis finances, right so you gotta

(10:02):
I make sure that my family issecure, like financially, so
that way you can take a lot ofthose burdens off and you can um
support and provide thoseresources as you spoke to, so
that way they can be great uhkids right.
So me being financially stableuh allows, like my kids, to kind
of um enjoy those resources,whether it be sports or

(10:27):
different uh achievements maybe,whether it be trips and things
like that.
Because I know one thinggrowing up, my parents did a
great job, but then you get toother people right, and they'd
be like oh I've been to europeand things like that, like you
know me, so I thought my parentswere doing good.
My parents were great but justto make sure that they get those

(10:48):
opportunities and make surethat if they have something that
I feel that is beneficial andthings like that, finances isn't
the reason why they don't getit.
You know what I mean.
So just making sure you knowwhat I mean, I'm going on that
front right.

Speaker 1 (11:03):
So wait, let's pause there at the finance we don't
talk about.
You know, growing up and likewhat we hear about is being a
provider protector, you know,making sure that that's the role
of a father, and don't reallytalk about emotionally
intelligence and all that otherstuff we'll get into that later
but being a provider but whatdoes a provider looks like?

(11:25):
Like?
That's what, like, you know,what you just said is like it's
so.
Wow, I'm just like yeah,opportunities like being a
provider and being a successfulprovider, being an effective
provider, because you know, aprovider that's not struggling
not saying, I mean, we all gotsome struggles or whatever, but
take it what you said.

(11:45):
One of the things that you saidthat caught me is like taking
making the burden light, like aless burden in the household
when the finances are straightand it's going to give your kids
more opportunity to besuccessful.

Speaker 2 (11:57):
It is exposure because, think about it, when
your child is like, oh, I wantto go here, I want to go there,
you don't want to tell them oh,we can't do this because I
didn't do right by my finances.
They're not going to understandthat.
What are you talking about?
I said I want to go here, sonow you're like no, we're going
to go to the park.
Now they're getting angry.
Right, yeah Now they're gettingupset and you're like you're

(12:26):
upset over this, but they're achild, so they don't understand
that.
So it's like how can you?
Teach them by having yourselftogether before you even have
them, man.
So before they even came intothe picture, you had to already
have certain things establishedand making sure that those
things are are good for them.

Speaker 1 (12:37):
Yeah, so yeah, I think that, and you know,
sometimes we so haphazardly justlive life, just you know
autopilot it.

Speaker 2 (12:44):
It is what it is we get caught up.

Speaker 1 (12:45):
We get caught up, but talking about the preparedness
and financial part of it,because that's one of the number
one issues, a lot in families,whether it's married, single
household, whatever Finances isa major issue, especially with
this economy, especially withbeing black, especially with

(13:07):
this economy, especially withbeing black.
You know like it's like.
So you know, and I hear peoplesay which I, I don't believe in
excuses, excuses.
I have a thing about excusesand people tell me it's not
excuses, but they really are,but they are.
I always hear people say,especially when it comes to men,
there's no good jobs out there,there's nothing I can really
provide for my family like thatright, so I'll be like well, I

(13:27):
mean, I see stuff, people hiringall the time.
I don't understand the problem.
Like you know, you start low,then you go up, like I don't
understand, you go to school,like there's some things, but
I'm not a man.
I'm not a black man, so I don'tknow the challenges of a black
man here in this world, but Ialso see successful black men.
So for me to think that it'simpossible, it's like it makes

(13:47):
me like yo, you making a lot ofexcuses, bro, what's going on
over there?
But can you talk to us a littlebit about, like, really making
yourself financially stable,like what?
You know?
What does it really take?
Like the mental fortitude to tohave to be able to say, hey,
this is what I need to do.
I'm going to keep pushingbecause I'm quite sure you're a
state trooper, you're a blackstate trooper, right?
So I'm quite sure there hasbeen some opposition your way

(14:11):
from either black people or evena counterpart, like because of
your role and who you are andjust been a black man in general
.
Quote unquote successful.
You know what I mean, becausewe're so used to seeing black
men and fathers in such a lowrole and it's crazy, because
there's a lot of black men inhigh roles, but it's not exposed
.
We don't see it.

(14:32):
So the picture that the mediaand social media and the
community portrays is that weain't it.
That's not, really not true.
You know what I mean Because Iknow a lot of successful black
people.
But it's just the exposure buttalk.
Can you talk a little bit aboutwhat it really the the mindset,
what it really takes to befinancially stable and why it's

(14:55):
so important?
Like you talked a little bitabout, it's important to make
sure that these kids get whatthey need, but really being the
leader and the head of the house, okay, yep, so I'm gonna say so
every day is every day is abattle, right?

Speaker 3 (15:06):
so, like some days I'm better than other days and
things like that.
So I'm still working on myselfand the thing like that.
And and to the to the personwho maybe listens to this, who
who might be not in a financialplace right there, it you just
gotta understand that you.
You gotta understand your goalsand put things together and
understand that I need thesethings to to go well for myself,

(15:28):
and I got to figure out how itmakes it go well, so it might be
going to school.
It might be talking to a friend,get a connect or whatever it is
to to assist you to get to getto that.
But, um, I say that to say likeso, when I had my first, when I
had my first daughter, I wasn'tin a place financially where,
um, I felt like I needed to beright, I felt like I was doing

(15:49):
well, but it was just me and mywife right um, benefits.
wasn't there like job stability?
I was working for a non-profita great non-profit first of all,
but working for a non-profit Iwas watching jobs kind of the
window and go away and thingslike that.
And I'm like whoa, I told mywife like hold on.
So at that time where I wasworking at it, I was getting

(16:09):
paid higher than most people,right?
So I'm like who's going to bethe first one on top of me Wait
a minute, hold up and so none ofthat mattered to me until Tegan
came, my oldest daughter Tegan.
None of that mattered to me, Ididn't care about.
Like I just cared about nowright, I mean right now I was
doing well, we was able to do atrip, go on a trip here and
there, and things like that.

(16:29):
We was living comfortably,doing whatever we wanted to
financially.
But when I had my oldestdaughter I realized well, what's
the long-term goal?

Speaker 2 (16:42):
When I turn 55,.

Speaker 3 (16:43):
What is going to happen like?

Speaker 2 (16:45):
you know what I mean like what's going to go, like
when it's time for them to go toschool.

Speaker 3 (16:50):
Like what are we going to do?

Speaker 1 (16:51):
here.

Speaker 3 (16:52):
Like you know what I'm saying, like I I always hear
my wife talk about, uh, privateschool and things like that.
I can't do that, I can't payfor daycare, I can't figure out
nothing like you know so it all.
They all like start coming tome when I had my daughter.
So I wasn't okay then and thenso I took a big leap and I went

(17:12):
to actually be a police officerin DC because those things were
met Right.
So now I was.
I was able to get that financialstability, the longterm and
things like that.
So I knew what when, when Iturned 55, I knew what that
looked like with retirement andthings like that.
So I knew what when I turned 55,I knew what that looked like
with retirement and things likethat.
So, but like that avenue alllooks different and you have to
realize like so I initiallyapplied to be a state trooper in

(17:36):
Delaware and I didn't get it.
But I knew that policing andoutside of money, I knew I
wanted to be a police officerbut I knew that policing could
provide a stable financialplatform in long term for me,
Right?
So I took a sacrifice for mykids, where at the time, my one
daughter and I decided I wasgoing to take that leap and

(17:58):
drive two hours to work everyday.
And drive two hours back fromwork every day and drive two
hours back from work every day,but I knew that's where I needed
to be like as far as makingsure that home was taken care of
you know what I mean.
So, although I loved the career,I didn't necessarily want it to
go that far.
I didn't want to go that far.

(18:19):
However, my boy was like yo,you can get hired here and
things like that, and you canbuild your resume.
And get hired here and thingslike that, and you can build
your resume and come back andthings like that.
So that's kind of what I did andkind of like to determine like,
all right, this is what I need.
And I kind of like kind of satdown and I talked to like people
close to me and I understandlike where do I want to be at,

(18:41):
like as far as like financial,like as far as money, um,
comfortability, like you knowwhat I mean.

Speaker 2 (18:47):
Um, and and the biggest thing for me is not
really today.

Speaker 3 (18:51):
You know, obviously I need to pay things like, but
it's, it's tomorrow, like it'slater on when the.
Carols is ready to go tocollege and things like that.
Like, look like, and you touchon something, like oh yeah, I
gotta stay down and eventuallyyou'll move up and things like
that and so that's what I waslooking at.
Right, I was looking at thefuture, because what I'm making
right now I'm good and I'll beokay, but when the girls, the

(19:14):
real bills, start coming through, the older they get, the more
it costs.

Speaker 2 (19:18):
What is that going?

Speaker 3 (19:18):
to look like and I'm looking like.
You know what I mean, becausehere you can look at year 20.
And you know what I meanBecause here you can look at
year 20 and you know what you'regoing to make.
Right, you know what I mean.
Or outside of other things andstuff like that.
So all right, cool, I'm cool,year 20, we'll be all right you
know what I mean.

Speaker 2 (19:32):
Yeah yeah yeah, it's like you know what I mean.
Am I going to be able to getthat?

Speaker 3 (19:46):
And at the time for me and my wife right it was good
, it was just us like.
And then I was like, all right.
When my oldest team came, I waslike, need a house.

Speaker 1 (19:55):
I need a yard bedrooms.

Speaker 3 (19:57):
Like everybody, get their own space, because that's
what I was for growing up, sothat's what I wanted for for
them.

Speaker 1 (20:02):
So I think that's awesome because, like what I'm
hearing is like father being afather, it takes sacrifice,
sacrifice being the leader ofyour family yourself.
Yeah, yeah because I, you know,wow, I can relate driving,
because you know for me goingback to school, like I live in
Middletown, delaware, my schoolwas in New Jersey, ewing, so I

(20:23):
was driving every day to um hour, 45 minutes, sometimes three
hours coming home or whatever.
So I understand when you talkabout sacrifice and um, for you
to know that like you needed tomake that sacrifice, like you
wasn't selfish and I think somany times, like we think about
like you said, like it was youand your wife, y'all was
chilling life was good, like wewere chilling.
We ain't got no issue kids comealong, you, you start thinking

(20:46):
about flag on the play, likewait a minute.
You start thinking like youcrazy, wait, we gotta do this,
gotta do this, gotta do this,you know, start thinking about
that and to be able to make thatdecision, to make a sacrifice.
And that's what I'm talkingabout when we talk about, like a
lot of times people don't seethe job that they want, like
they know the job that they want, but they don't see it or they
don't get it Right.

(21:07):
So then, what do you do when youdon't get what you want?

Speaker 2 (21:10):
Like, do you just so that's what we got to go back to
yeah.
Because, remember he said hegot he applied here in Delaware,
right, they like we don't wantyou right now.

Speaker 1 (21:27):
They ain't saying like that, pam now.

Speaker 2 (21:28):
They're like, nah, he ain't ready for a thing, so
it's already another kick,because I'm already not
comfortable with the job I gotRight.
I know I need more.
Do you let that like deter you?
Is it okay to stay in that spotfor a little bit?

Speaker 1 (21:41):
Right.

Speaker 2 (21:42):
How long can you stay in that spot?

Speaker 3 (21:44):
so that all depends, like I mean, that all depends on
that person, right?
Like it all depends.
So obviously I'm, I was goingto stay there until I found
something that made me morecomfortable where I needed to be
, but at the same time I'm likeI gotta go get it.

Speaker 1 (21:59):
Yeah, how long did it take for that?

Speaker 2 (22:01):
transition when, when you got the notice like oh,
they ain't gonna let me in here,you got the notice like, oh,
they ain't going to let me inhere, you got the word that you
could go to DC.
How long was that transition?
Two months.
I was going, so it wasbasically not really to think
about.
I got to go do this.

Speaker 3 (22:17):
I'm going.
I talked to my wife and wetalked about it, so also, it
depends on your situation too.

Speaker 2 (22:22):
My situation.

Speaker 3 (22:23):
I know you say you have people on here with all
different backgrounds as far asco-parenting and things like
that.
So me I was actually I was withmy wife, so we made sure that
that decision was okay for bothof us, and you got to understand
that sometimes, when you dothose things, it's going to feel
selfish, right?

Speaker 2 (22:42):
Because now the burden is on the wife, right,
you know what I'm saying.
So everything there, like youknow what I mean.
Yeah, I'm driving back andforth, but when I get home I'm
exhausted.
And then I got to get up and dothe same thing right after, so
when.

Speaker 3 (22:55):
I'm literally home for enough time to sleep, and
then the days I work and then IBack out, go.
Or if you talk about when Itransitioned to being a Delaware
State police officer, I had todo six months in the academy
where, monday through Friday, Iliterally couldn't even call
home, literally couldn't callhome.

Speaker 2 (23:13):
Oh man yeah.

Speaker 3 (23:14):
Monday through Friday .
Now I had really good peoplewhere if something was going on,
I could call home and thingslike that.
But typically you don't callhome Monday through Friday.
You go on Monday morning beforeeverybody get up and then
Friday night you come home andyou're exhausted because they're
working Whoa, so kudos to yourwife.
So you had to.

(23:35):
Sometimes those things feelselfish, right, but at the end
of the day it's for the ultimatesuccess.
For the greater good of thefamily.
Right, right, that's awesome.

Speaker 1 (23:47):
Yo, that's what's up, because I didn't realize it was
like that.
I'm already, you know, a littlestressed out.
My daughter about to go on theMarines and she ain't going to
be talking to me.
You know, I do 13 weeks outthere, so when you just talked
about that, it kind of hit me.
Don't remind me.
She ain't going to call me, sheain't been calling me.
But kudos to your wife, though.
So that's the important.
See, when we talk about and ourbishop talked about it recently

(24:08):
like we talk about the separateroles but we don't really talk
about the roles together, likehow important it is in a family,
like you know, by the like allright households aren't, they're
all different, blended familiesand everything like that.
But the core of the family istwo parents in the household,
whether it's blended or whetherit's bio right, and

(24:29):
understanding how a family in aunit works and operates.
And once you realize that, youcan really understand each
individual roles and value eachroles, like what I'm hearing
here is, like your wife, likekudos to her, like she, she, she
valued, she valued you.
Like she understood.

(24:50):
Yeah, because so many times wedevalue people like we, we, you
know, throw them away like youain't really about nothing.
Yeah, you selfish, just anyother, but the sacrifice it
takes for the other person, thepartner, to say okay, I hear you
, I see you and I'm with you Ihonor your decision yeah, like
that, that right there is litlike.
We don't talk enough about thattoo.
Like you know, households Ithink a lot of reasons why the

(25:15):
way that the world is in ourcommunity with our kids is
because we don't have parentswho are actively connected to
each other, right, whether itdoesn't matter how actively
connected, like it doesn'tmatter if it's blended,
co-parent, whatever it is,because parenting is parenting,
like, at the end of the day,right, and there's so many
sacrifice we make as parents.

(25:36):
But a lot of times, the reasonwhy our children are behaving
the way they are is because theydon't see the example.
Because how do you demonstratewhat you don't see?
You can't be what you don't see.
Not saying you can't because Ididn't see it and I'm better now
because I worked towards it,but you know not being able to.
I was telling my daughter thisthe other day and I don't

(25:58):
remember, it's a quote but ifyou feed your family, like if
you give a man a fish, he'll eatfor a day, but if you teach a
man how to fish, he'll eat for alifetime.
So in order to do that, youhave to have this, you have to
be together.

Speaker 2 (26:14):
Go ahead, Pam, what you want to talk about.
No, I heard something similarto that.
It was would you rather eatsteak or chicken every day?
No, would you rather eat steakor chicken?

Speaker 1 (26:26):
every day.
No, would you rather eat steakor chicken every day?

Speaker 2 (26:28):
Yeah, you don't know when you're going to get that
steak.
But how many people are goingto say, oh, I want the steak
Right?
Not really observing andlistening?
You're listening to respondversus listening to assess the
question.

Speaker 1 (26:41):
Mm-hmm, the steak sound good, I'm going to hire
one, but you're only going toget that question.
The steak sound good.
I'm going to hire one.

Speaker 2 (26:45):
You only going to get that once.

Speaker 1 (26:47):
You got seven days in a week.

Speaker 2 (26:51):
You can make chicken salad you can make fried chicken
.
There's so many differentthings you can do with that
chicken, but where your mind setat.

Speaker 1 (26:58):
It's your mind.
That's what I think when you'resitting here.
Just listen to this firstportion of it In my mind.
I'm just like I can see howimportant it is for the family
unit when I was married.
I thought it was important atthe time, but I didn't value it

(27:20):
as much as now I'm being outside, being divorced and all that.
I got married at 19.
Married, had a baby, brought ahouse all that at 19.
And I didn't understand becauseI didn't really see it.
I just knew I needed to bemarried, right.
I didn't want my kids to growup without their father in the
house.
So I literally made myselfbecome the sacrifice, even
though it wasn't working.

(27:41):
But I sacrificed myself for mychildren and nobody told me I
ain't nobody's superhero.
I don't know who told me I hadto do that, but that's why I was
in counseling for years.
But no, like I can admit, likebeing inside the marriage, I
didn't value him, I didn'tunderstand his role and it's
because I didn't see that myselfgrowing up right.

(28:07):
So I thought that in themarriage I needed to because my
mom you know they were separatedand she'd had like different
boyfriends where, but it waslike she had to be the provider
right.
So I thought in the marriagelike I'm being in foster care
and then growing up homeless orwhatever I thought that I had to
be the one to provide protect,even though we know that that's
generally the man role.
But because I didn't see it andbecause my ex-husband never met

(28:27):
his father right, so the role Ibegan to take on take away from
him when he was trying to dothat but he had no, nobody show
him right.
And because I knew how to getit, not how to hustle, make
things happen, I literally Ifeel like I dominated that
marriage in that relationship.
Now that I look back on it, butsitting here listening to you,
I can really see where I was inerror at and how.

(28:51):
You know.
There's a scripture says that awoman breaks up their own house
Right, and sometimes we don'trealize that we do that by
devaluing our partner, the manof the house, and really let him
learn how to be a man versus wethink that we got to be the man
.
Now I know we talk about therules of the father, but that's
the foundation of the house.

(29:11):
And now that I'm looking backand listening to you, like I
know where I was at era.
It wasn't all him and I didn'thave the wherewithal to continue
after like the 16 years orsomething like that.
Then it was going because I waslike it just wasn't working out
.
But now that I look back on it,like could it fix some stuff
and things like that.
But the role of havingtwo-parent household is so

(29:34):
important.
It is Because the children willsee it healthy and grow up
healthy.
Now, if you got two-parentparent household, y'all cutting
the food just then the other,like that ain't that, ain't it,
that ain't worth that we ain'ttalking about that so

Speaker 3 (29:49):
then we can really understand the significance of
the father yeah, so just topiggyback on something you just
said, so just like to build eachother up right.
So you, you teach that man howto be a man and that that man
allows you to be a woman, andthat goes back to the kids, just
like you said.
Like, so now you, you are in ahealthy relationship and
everybody is thriving and in agood space, and I don't know f

(30:13):
is off on the kids the kids andthey feel that, and so now, I
know I see it all the time where, unfortunately, my daughters
are gonna get older and they'regoing to date some, and so
hopefully they'll look at oursas an example and they'll see
like these are a lot of positivethings that my dad and mom did
together and this is what Ivalue and these are my value

(30:36):
systems and things like that.
So I think it's good thateverybody learns how to let
people be who they are and teachpeople to be how to yeah,
because it's partnership, it's ateam, like I ain't got to be
the it person, right?

Speaker 1 (30:51):
Let me do this part Because when I look back at the
stats, right, the statisticsshows that girls do better
educationally andinterrelationally if their dads
are active, healthy in theirlife.
Wow, yeah, in the first year.
I hate all them statistics Idon't have in it relationally if
their dads are active, healthyin their life.
Wow, um, yeah, the in the firstshow.
I hate all them statistics, Idon't have it right now, y'all,
but um, just go back to thefirst episode of this series a

(31:12):
couple weeks ago.
But it showed that girlsbecause when you think about it,
a girl kind of wants normallywe look at our mate somewhat
similar to our father, right,good, better or different, right
, um, because we daddy's girls,like we love our dad.
You know what I mean.
The dad role is so importantand the dad is the first you
know person who show theopposite sex love, like not in a

(31:35):
you know crazy way, but thestandards of it and things like
that.
You know, like I always telldads, take your daughters out on
a date, so they know you knowstandards, but being that when
you don't have that, like if youlook at back at relationships,
people, women are choosing thewrong men based on their
relationship with their father,right?

(31:57):
So, whether your father waslike the great, amazing man, so
you're going to end up with agreat and amazing man because
you know the standards andyou're not going to default from
them.
But then if you don't, if yourchild, if your father was
abusive to your mother, even ifhe wasn't abusive to you, yeah,
you find it acceptable yeah, soyou start.

Speaker 3 (32:15):
Oh, my dad did it yeah right, sometimes it's
indirectly, it's indirectlyright yeah you just, you don't
even know.
You're making excuses for it,but now you think it's okay
though.

Speaker 2 (32:24):
Yeah, so it's crazy Because it becomes a part of you
, a part of your customs.
Like you said, you didn't evenknow, you took it on.

Speaker 3 (32:32):
It's just like no, this is okay.
Yeah, it's not a big deal.

Speaker 1 (32:36):
That's how you love me, yeah, and then respect it.
A man in the house like I, I'veseen this tiktok right and it
was like a showing differentcomplications or couplet right,
and it showed ages like fromtoddler all the way to like 16.
And you know, moms we tell kidswhat to do, like yo do this or
do that, and sometimes we gottime like 10, 20 times a dad

(32:59):
walks in the room, he ain'tgotta yell, he ain't gotta
scream, he be like.
Then your mom say, put that, hegot the most monotone voice.
Then your mom and they just doit Like that authority in the
house, that honor and respect,it's typical.

Speaker 3 (33:12):
It's typical, except for that little one.

Speaker 1 (33:15):
Oh the gangster, oh, except the gangster, oh, you
don't matter with that one.
That one right there.
Yeah, like they different, theybuilt different.
These kids built different,like who you talking to.

Speaker 3 (33:28):
But yeah, it's typical like that.

Speaker 1 (33:31):
Yes yeah, it's crazy.
Like, and you'll be like, I'mgonna, I'm gonna carry you for
nine months, I'm gonna do allthis I'm doing all this and he
walk in, you're like, okay, butit's that power and authority
that I believe as god given,like we even recognize as babies
in the house, and and then,once it gets taken away from the
household, and then that's whenyou start seeing the behaviors
of disrespecting men,disrespecting just anybody in

(33:53):
authority.
When it comes to females, likethey start dating, they start
disrespecting their spouse, theystart having kids,
disrespecting their sons becauseof the structure of the
household and what was going on.
So it's crazy how we like, oh,that's the mom, that's the
father, but how important thatis, both roles together.
Wow, yeah, it's crazy.

(34:14):
You see some stuff out here Now.
I've been doing this parentingthing for a minute.
I'm looking back like yo, youknow what I see it now.
No, seriously.

Speaker 2 (34:23):
Something my dad always say is whatever, whatever
the one that's strongest atallow them to do it, it doesn't
matter if, growing up, oh, mydad did this, my mom did this,
so this is what we gonna do.
Nah, whoever is stronger atthat, allow them to do that
right, that is that is so key.

Speaker 3 (34:42):
So I know you initially asked me what are the
roles?
Right?
So that role might change everyday or every month or whatever,
whatever is going on in thathousehold, because I'm lucky
enough to have a dual-parenthousehold, so it might change.
I might have to go back and lether do something that I would

(35:02):
typically do.
So those roles, they alternate,they alternate.
Mine has alternated and I wouldtypically do right.

Speaker 2 (35:05):
So those roles, they alternate they alternate, minds
has alternated and I'm so happyright now she's how I'm happy I
don't have to drop off the camp.
Let me tell you that's a lot,yeah, like getting and we got a
little fur baby now, so it's alot like gotta walk him, gotta
feed him, gotta get her together, do all that still get myself
together.
It's a lot.
So now that he takes her tocamp, I got like a little extra

(35:28):
time to me right and it justfeels like uh like it feels like
he took that burden away, likewhat.

Speaker 1 (35:35):
You didn't really, may not even realize it was a
burden, it was just somethingthat we're used to doing and
continue doing, but when he tookit away you're like whoa, wow,
I can see now clearly the rainis going also it affects her
different because of his crazywork schedule.

Speaker 2 (35:49):
It's like dang, daddy , get to pick me up, he take me
now it's.
It's so such more excitement.
It's it's a different love, adifferent peace, a different joy
because, like you said, a girlis a, that's, that's daddy's
heart and she's, he's her heartright like, regardless what mom
did, we know mom got our backyeah, yeah but that that father

(36:13):
and daughter relationship isjust like so beautiful.
And her getting up in themorning like, oh, mom you don't
got to do that he like let Momhelp still too.
But it's just like a wholenother aura on her, yep.

Speaker 3 (36:32):
And it's just so beautiful.
That goes back to one of therules right Just being available
.

Speaker 1 (36:37):
Oh, you said something right there.
Whoa, you said something, wait,wait.
I don't typically hear men sayDo you typically hear men say
being available?
Oh he said it's so strong andmighty, go ahead.
Talk about that being a, youknow being available.
You know you gotta just makesure.

Speaker 3 (36:55):
I mean, you know, obviously you want to go to work
right, go back to the firstpart, finances but obviously you
want to go do whatever it isthat you want to do, like Pam,
said just being there.
It makes her feel so much.
So, yeah, your husband got togo out and do what he got to do,
but he's available with notesand she will never forget that.

Speaker 2 (37:15):
Guess what she's going to forget.

Speaker 3 (37:17):
She don't care how many hours you work.

Speaker 1 (37:19):
Yeah, she don't.
She don't care how many hoursyou work.

Speaker 3 (37:21):
It's about the time you can spend.
You know what, by the time youcan spend, you do gotta go get
that money, but you gotta makesure You're available and make
sure that you're there.
So one thing that I've noticed.
So my kids kind of needDifferent things.
My oldest needs a lot ofAffirmations.
She needs constant Reassurance.

Speaker 2 (37:43):
You know all kids need that, but she needs
constant reassurance and thingslike that.
You know all kids need that.

Speaker 3 (37:47):
But she needs it more so than my youngest does, right
.
And so if I'm not available andnot there, I can't give it to
her.

Speaker 2 (37:54):
And she loves hearing it from her mom but she also
loves hearing it from daddy.

Speaker 1 (37:58):
You know what I mean.

Speaker 3 (37:59):
So yeah, just to make sure that, oh, tegan, you got
this, you're amazing, you can doall these things and all that
stuff and just constant, justreassuring, and every time
she'll get home from gymnasticsand she'll learn a new skill and
things like that, and I couldbe extremely tired.

Speaker 2 (38:15):
I'm like Tegan.
All right, she'll be like daddy.
Look daddy.

Speaker 3 (38:18):
And then if I don't give her no affirmations and I'm
not available there, I might beavailable in the physical sense
, but not in the actual like,since that she needs it, this is
she'll get, she might getfrustrated and and walk away or
whatever.

Speaker 2 (38:34):
But if I'm available to reassure her and like, oh you
can, oh that's amazing, andthings like that she wants to
keep going, and they and, andyou can see it better with her,
like even with her education andall that stuff like like so
being there.

Speaker 1 (38:45):
Being present is a present.
Being present is a present andyou know, because I hear stories
about back in the day liketheir dad was in people's dad
was in their household but thatwas just sitting there like they
know a story of a dad who justworked and just sit on the couch
and might be drinking some ginand juice Like I don't know.
Might be drinking some gin andjuice Like I don't know.

Speaker 2 (39:05):
Like there was a lot, Okay.
So one of my favorite movies isBronson Taylor right, all right
, so all right.
Colugio says to his dad likeyou're a sucker, right?
I mean, that's the worst thingyou probably could tell your
parents.

Speaker 1 (39:20):
Right.

Speaker 2 (39:27):
But he comes from you got gotta look at his lens
right.
Yeah, you working and providing, but you ain't spending no time
with me and then if I'mspending time with you, is
riding the bus with you, becausehis dad was a bus driver right,
so you have to get on the buswith him.
and then it's like I'm trying totalk to you, but you gotta
entertain these people on thebus, right?
Are you fussing them outbecause they trying to sneak on
the bus for free?
So we really not getting thatconnection Right.
But then I got this guy namedSonny.

(39:49):
Sonny shows me how to treat alady.
Sonny shows me how to providefor myself, how to provide for
the ladies that I want, how totake care of myself in different
magnitudes.
He may not have been showing methe right way but he was
showing me how to do it.
But yeah, you telling me, yougot to work, you got to do this.

(40:11):
Well, son, you're working too.
So what's the difference?
He said there are working men.
That's a sucker.
He said what do you mean?
What do you mean so when I sayit's my favorite movie, because
it make you sick?
Like oh you just told me I'm asucker and I'm doing this.
He had to go talk to his wifeand say I got to fall back from
some things Because now my son'sgetting involved with a crowd.

(40:33):
He don't got no business withyeah, because.
I'm spending so much time on thebus trying to do this and that
and we still living the same.
So if we going to live, wegonna live the same.
Then I can fall back some right, right, yeah.
So taking a moment to observeand say, like you said, they
ain't gonna remember them hoursyou work, they ain't gonna
remember this.

(40:53):
what they gonna remember is thattime that you spent right
whether, if it was just watchingher do her gymnastic practice,
just watching her sing a songyou you know.
Just watching her.
Just watch the show, even ifyou fall asleep on it.

Speaker 1 (41:07):
Right, that is so important because you know, you
hear stories and you know whenpeople are going to therapy,
when they think about, likedaddy issues or even mommy
issues, like parenting ingeneral.
Like because you're going toduplicate what you see, Like if
you see that this is what you'regoing to do and you know what
woke me up, when my kids youknow these kids different.

Speaker 3 (41:32):
They're taking the rap and they're praying for me.

Speaker 1 (41:34):
I'm trying to tell y'all they different.
You know I've been in thisparenting game for 25 years now
and them last three they theones.
So, as y'all know, I got the18-year-old now and the two
16-year-olds that are at home.
So but what I learned from mychildren is this that you have

(41:59):
to take that time out and reallyhave relationship.
Because I thought that I had tohustle and provide, because
that's what I seen, like I gotto make stuff happen, like I'm
not trying to have y'allhomeless like I was homeless,
you got to make it happen.

Speaker 3 (42:10):
Yeah, you got to make it happen.

Speaker 1 (42:12):
But my daughter, the one that tested my inner
gangster.
She would come home and I thinkI told y'all this before she
would come home from school andI'd be like, all right, do your
homework, do your chores, thisand the other, and she'd be like
I need time.
It was almost like the exorcistcame out, like what you mean
Time.
Yeah, she was like I need timeand I was like she was like I
need some down time.
I was like, well, you was on abus ride for 45 minutes, that

(42:44):
was enough down time.
Don't get no time.
But it's your fault that youdon't get time.
It was my fault that I didn'tgive myself time, not her fault.
So what she made me realize isthat you do have to debrief when
you come home and you do allowyour children to, and as parents
, for so super this cape modethat we don't take any downtime
for ourselves.

(43:04):
Yeah, you know like when I gothome I debriefed in the car for
a minute like take some woosahsor whatever.
But why don't we think ourchildren need that too?
yeah our children need downtimetoo.
But that made me realize like,okay, donna, you you could kind
of fall back.
She wasn't doing itdisrespectfully, she would.
You know, it's just you know,just just the way I was growing
up, just the way I grew up, likeooh, that's what you did.

(43:25):
Yeah, but earlier, when shesaid it when she was younger, I
didn't understand it Because I'mlike, no, I'm working all the
time.
I'm doing this, you need to bedoing that.
But if we teach our children tobe like we are, which we're not
even happy where we are, we'rejust doing it because instead of
taking a moment and say, listen, you know what, I don't want
you to have to work this hard,right, I don't want you to have

(43:47):
to do what I'm doing.
Let let me teach you let's dothis together of how we can make
the most of our relationship inour time.
So when you said that about, Ithought about being present,
because you know so many timeswe talk about, yeah, my dad was
in the household, but what whatthat mean.
So being present is soimportant.
It's such a young age toestablish it at such a young age

(44:08):
so that they know how to buildbetter relationships with people
like you.
Start them at such a young ageto build relationships.
They're going to go so muchfurther.
They're going to not have to be35 years old in counseling
therapy sessions.
Talk about what it could have,should have did it and that
wasn't right.
Or even to the point where youhate your parents because you
didn't understand what they weregoing through, what they're
doing right, because there's alot of people who are in therapy

(44:31):
now because they blame theirparents for so much, but not
understanding that your parentsdid the best decision they could
at the time.
We're going to get you hold on.
Okay, we got a little guest inthe studio.
You know we talk about kids.
You can't be a parent withouthaving no kids, right?
You know it'd be the awkwardmoment that time when you flow
it and they're like well, Igotta use the bed.

(44:52):
You're like, wait, can't youhold it?
And they like do you want tohold?

Speaker 2 (44:57):
it.
She went to the bathroom beforeshe came.
No, I ain't going right now.
I think you should go.

Speaker 1 (45:03):
No, I'm not going right now and you know what I
thought mother knows best.
They hate when I go to.
Mother knows best, but yeah, sothe road, I think that is so
awesome.

Speaker 3 (45:15):
So what else do you think, being that you've been in
the mental health sector andyou've seen kids and things like
that and what you do now, whatdo you see like the greatest
need, like as a man, as a father, um from their household into a
community standpoint so thegreatest need that a kid needs,

(45:38):
yeah, okay, so, um, um, I thinkthat I think that a kid, like
they need it kind of goes on tolike what you said as far as
being able to like expressyourself, knowing how to,

(45:59):
knowing how to like move incertain situations, like knowing
how to speak, knowing how tospeak, knowing how to advocate
for yourself, and things likethat in a in a professional, in
a like sense, outside of usingyour hands Right, so they, they
need, they need the tools.
I like that.

(46:19):
So they need the tools to likebe able to grow and be a
positive member in society,right.
So a lot of the kids, right.
So the biggest thing that kidsand the place I have, that they
don't have social skills.
Right, so they don't know howto communicate with others
without like fighting.
They don't know how toarticulate themselves.

(46:39):
And I know it's harder anyway,being young, but they don't know
how to express, like, theiremotions Right, everybody's
going to know and have differentfeelings, but they don't know
how to express those in apositive, safe manner and things
like that.
And just, I mean, ultimatelyit's education, right, to make
sure that you have thateducation so that you can do

(47:00):
those things.
You can't do any of thosethings if you don't have
education.
You don't know how to read, youdon't know how to speak and
communicate and things like that, so like being able to, and
then, um, it goes back to.
It goes back to being like, asfar as present right so being
present.
That helps you understand yourkid right.
It helps you understand, like,what's going on.

(47:21):
So when it's time for you totalk and they shut down and
things like that, you know whereit's coming from because you
know, because you're a present,and that way they learn how to
express ourselves with you.
So when they go out in theworld, Wow, yeah, yeah you know
in the world, right.
So like a lot of people, likewhen you said that example was
your kid, they get upset ininstantly.
I could think about likesomeone, like just yell out like

(47:42):
don't do like you know I meanright instantly.

Speaker 2 (47:44):
I could think about like someone like just yelling
like who you talking to like youknow what I mean.

Speaker 3 (47:47):
Like right, right did I just tell you.
But she, she did a good jobbecause she expressed herself
right maybe maybe you might wantto dive deeper in right?
Yeah, you want to.
Why do you need this extra time?

Speaker 2 (47:55):
and things like that, or or whatever.

Speaker 3 (47:57):
but you need to understand your kid and that way
they feel comfortable talkingto you, right, and then that way
they can go talk to someoneelse when they're having issues,
like they might get upset atlittle Johnny or whatever.
And they don't have to feellike they need to punch little
Johnny Right.
They can talk to little Johnnyand kind of express themselves.

(48:19):
But I think the biggest thingis to make sure that they have
social skills and they got thateducation.
And education is a big thing,Like it doesn't have to be a
private school or anything likethat.
When you come home, the teachergive you whatever homework or
whatever.
Like tell them whether it'shomework or not, you want to
have them teach it to you.

(48:39):
If they teach it to you, thenthey know how to do it.

Speaker 2 (48:41):
Right, right.

Speaker 3 (48:42):
Yeah, just to make sure that they have those skills
so that way, when they get inthe environment they're
comfortable with that Wow.
Because, you know, in order toget your job, or even work for
yourself, you know you're goingto need to be able to express
yourself.
You know, you need to write andread, and count and do all
those things.
So make sure that they havethose tangible skills so they
can be successful.

Speaker 1 (49:03):
I like have those tangible skills so they can be
successful.
I like that because what youjust said there was a lie, that
was.
But the first thing I thoughtthat came to my mind is being
able to speak for yourself whereno one has to speak for you.
You know, teaching like whenteaching them at home how to
communicate is so important sothat when you're out here in the
world, like nobody has to speakfor you, you can speak for
yourself.
You and not in a way that youhave to always defend yourself,

(49:26):
but literally articulate wherepeople understand who you are
and what you're about.
That goes a long way, because alot of times like people don't,
we don't know people because wedon't talk Right.

Speaker 2 (49:36):
Even your own children.
Yeah, you think, because atthis age they was like this,
that they're going to continueto be that same exact way.
And oh, honestly, that's nottrue.
And, like you said, if you'renot making that environment, if
you're not taking that time tolearn them what you like, now I
know that you don't be watchingthis show, no more.

Speaker 1 (49:56):
Why not?
What's going on, you know?

Speaker 2 (49:59):
I noticed that, and when you do stuff like that,
it's like yo they really payingattention to it.
I heard you singing this song.
You learned that song.
Let me learn it, bro.
Like you said, teach it back tome, let me see if you should
even be singing this, and thenI'm not going to tell you.
If it's appropriate, cool.
If it's not, I'm not going tosay you don't got no business
listening to that.

(50:19):
I'm going to talk about it.
We're going to break it down.

Speaker 1 (50:23):
Yeah, yo, that teaching is so much and I like
how you say like being presentmakes you know your child.
Well, being present, activelypresent, helps you to understand
your child and your childunderstand you and you can see
when there's some awfuldifferent patterns.
Like for a long time I keptgoing to the grocery store and
buying my one daughter atestimony game story the same
thing I didn game story the samething I didn't know, like three

(50:48):
months ago.

Speaker 2 (50:49):
She ain't like that, no more well she ain't tell me.

Speaker 1 (50:50):
Well, when were you going to tell me?
So you didn't act, yeah, butshe was.
No, there was.
She was like not really eatingit too much, or whatever, and I
still kept buying it and I'mlike well, I brought this.
She was like ain't nothing herefor me to eat.
Well, I brought all the stuffyou like.
Well, I don't like that no more.
But when you tell me you didn'tlike it but because I didn't
ask her, or just me notrealizing that that still was
there, I just went on formalityroutine oh, this is what I know

(51:14):
she likes.
But not understanding andrealizing that they change just
like we change.

Speaker 2 (51:18):
Right, and, like you said, the household, it may
change, like every day, it maychange that week.
You got to really pay attention, because tomorrow is not going
to happen the way today didListen and that's one thing I
teach my kids Like.

Speaker 1 (51:31):
So you know, I have the one boy and the girls in the
house and typically you knowthe dude like you take out the
trash and all that, and I'mteaching him and he's like, well
, I like slavery, like thisdoesn't make sense to me, right.
But I thought about it likebecause if, if I'm raising my
daughter, she gonna have to takeout the trash too, right, so

(51:51):
why am I making this?
Just his role?
And he helped me realize likeno, the world's around here
about to change a little bit.
So today you got trash.
Today, next week you got trash,he got dishes this week.
Like really switching it up sothat we don't create these house
where you know, these are justthese tv roles in this house, or
this is what you're expectingto do, not being flexible,

(52:13):
because what if he's married,right, and um, no, what if she's
married and her husband is downor something, or can't do this
or whatever, so the trash nevergoes out right?
Or what if she down, so henever eats?
The dishes don't get clean,like you know.
Really teaching them honestly,if we're teaching them how to
live and how to beself-sufficient, but yet, so
that they're ready.

(52:34):
So when the other person comes,like they have a sense of self,
right, I know what I can't,what I can't do, and I don't
have to be intimidated bysomebody else's role or stuff
like that.
So, really, teaching ourchildren how to have a sense of
self for who they are.
And that's one of theconversations I was having with
my daughter, who's about toleave, and I was telling her,
like all this stuff you know,teaching foundation and stuff

(52:55):
like that, and teaching youfinances and all this other
stuff, but most importantly, Iwant you to have a sense of self
, of identity, because again theworld would pose them with
whatever they want them to be.
Today you could be this.
I mean, you can identify as ahorse today.
Like really, no, no, you, I'm.
You laughing, but I never see,like I'm seriously.
I went, I see people identifyfrom male to female, right, I

(53:16):
thought that was that like I'm,like are you?
You just want to be a maletoday, got you.
But when they start identifyingas animals, colors, like it's
really serious.
So, teaching my daughter whoyou are and teaching my son who
you are, so have a sense of selfand identity where you don't
have to try to recreatesomething, or like you, you just

(53:36):
wasn't created to be a dog,baby girl.
So you're just not going to bea dog and I'm not going to let
you identify as a dog, okay,just it's not going to happen.
So like I'm laughing, but it'sso real and you see it all the
time.
So I think really tuning intoour children so that when we see
these things right, we're ableto address it.
For example, my girls you knowmy two, two of my girls, both of

(54:00):
their parents passed away,which is my sister and her
husband.
But when the one that's aboutto leave the house, when she
started dressing like a boy,everybody was looking at her
like yo, you let her dress likea boy, a tomboy, whatever.
But people didn't realize thereason why she was dressed like
a boy is because she missed herdad and she wanted her dad.
She knew she was a girl.
She didn't identify as a boy.
She started having mess, shestarted wearing his clothes,

(54:29):
start doing listen.
This girl ended up start gettingsome boxers.
I didn't know what was going on, but it was just uh, and I knew
where she was because I had theconversation with her to try to
figure it out.
Not, you know, a lot of timeswhen our kids start doing stuff,
we start beating them downright away because that's not
what we want them to be.
Oh, not on my watch, you're notgonna do this.
But not understanding there's aroot to the cause.
So that phase was only for alittle bit.
We was just looking back at herpictures.
She was like I don't believeyou, let me look like this.
Like what was going on.

(54:49):
I'm like that's where you were.

Speaker 3 (54:50):
She let her process through it though, yeah, and
teaching them.

Speaker 2 (54:52):
And walked with her.

Speaker 1 (54:54):
Yeah, so that we don't have to think that it has
to be one way.

Speaker 3 (54:58):
And now she to talk to you, right.
She'll talk to, you have thoseconversations and things like
that, those conversations thatshe might be scared to if you
shut her down.
Right, yeah, so.

Speaker 1 (55:09):
So when you're talking about communication, I
just start thinking about alldifferent types of communication
.
You know they be like yochildren got to stay in a kid's
place, be seen and not heard.
No, I want to see you too.
Quiet over there.
I don't know what's going on.

Speaker 3 (55:24):
Where you draw the line at, though, with that, yeah
.

Speaker 2 (55:27):
Where you draw the line Because sometimes people
get sassy.

Speaker 3 (55:31):
I got two girls and I'm like oh, now I want you to
express yourself If you're goingtoo, far.

Speaker 1 (55:39):
Yo, that's crazy.
It's such a thin line.
No, it's so real, like it's aline.
It is a line.
It's such a thin line.
No, it's so real, like it's alie.
It is a lie.
It's like it is a lie Because,ooh, shabba, let me tell you,
because it's like where you getto express yourself but don't be
disrespectful, like you got toteach them and then not
everything is meant to be said,not everything, it's so, but

(56:01):
it's through communication andreally, because I know the one
that touched my inner gangsta,I'd be like who are you talking
to?
Oh, no, mom, I was just sayingyeah.
Roll that back, roll that back alittle bit.
Or I would straight, now thatyou know they're a little bit
older, like if I hear somethingis off or how you're addressing
me.
My son likes his yo, bro, Ikeep walking like I ain't never

(56:22):
heard.
No, what bro mean?
I don't know what that mean.
I'm blind, deaf and retarded.
I don't know what bro mean.
Like I go mute, wait yo.
He like say say he was like bro, I go mute so fast and just act
like I don't exist.
And then he gets it rightBecause I ain't going.
How many times I tell you Iain't your bro?

(56:42):
Yeah, yo.
And that's what it is it'sreally and don't play with it,
because so many times like weteaching our kids to be
assertive, we're teaching ourkids to be able to express
themselves, and sometimes you'relike, don't do that on me
though, but but just teachingthem.
Most importantly, respect andthink about your tone and how
you say it, and kids gonna bekids.

(57:04):
They're gonna try you, oh,they're gonna try you, but you
got to be able to stand, standtwo toes down like yeah and and
don't tolerate it, and you know.
But here's the other thing.
You got to know what wasrespectful and disrespectful,
though, because for me, for somany years, I told my kids they

(57:24):
was disrespecting me and theywasn't, because they didn't keep
the kitchen clean, like we'd bethrowing words around and stuff
.
I'm trying Putting them in theroom.
Yeah, I'd be using words, andthey was like, well, how is that
disrespectful?
Because I said it'sdisrespectful, but when you
think about it like we got toknow really what we mean and
what we say and how wedemonstrate it too.

(57:45):
Because I, for years, was sofrustrated Like y'all, some
disrespectful kids Y'all doneleft this kitchen like this
after I done cleaned it it wasall about me and I realized is
that really disrespectful?
And why do you think that'sdisrespectful?
And having to, I'll tell you,I'll be flying with words out
there.

Speaker 2 (58:01):
So what do you think it was?

Speaker 1 (58:03):
It was me not being able to control the situation.
As parents, we want to control.
We don't own our kids.
We want to control themHonestly.
We want them to do what we say,whatever, and my son told me
that just sounds like modern-dayslavery to me.
That's what it is.

Speaker 2 (58:20):
Josh, he probably said it so much.
Yeah, because you know Joshalready said it.

Speaker 1 (58:23):
so yeah, cause you know Josh already he was like
well, when you think about it,cause they get you start
thinking.
That's why I don't be lettingthem talk too much, cause I be
like you negotiated me.
I don't even know what I wantto talk about, I don't know, but
like really teaching them, likereally what the word mean and
how, how does that affect you?
So me throwing that word around, when I look deep back at it,

(58:44):
it was me, because I couldn'tcontrol the situation and the
only way that I could tell youthat you're doing so bad to me
is that you're disrespecting me,because I'm big on respect,
lying, cheating, so like I'mreally big on truth telling.
So for me, if I'm telling youyou're disrespectful, you know
that hurts me.

Speaker 2 (59:01):
Right.

Speaker 1 (59:01):
But using that is wrong.
Using that as a parent sayingthat, because then you start
saying everything isdisrespectful because you mad,
instead of communicating andsaying listen, I don't like how
I clean up all the time andy'all come in here and mess up.
I don't like that, that hurtsme, instead of saying y'all some
disrespectful kids, Y'all can'teven clean it.
You know, it's really aboutcommunicating properly, because

(59:24):
you don't want them to go out inthe world and think that
they're disrespecting everybodywhen they're not, somebody don't
listen to them.
Yo bro you just disrespected mebecause you ain't doing it.
Yeah, like because that stuffreally grows on them.
How you raise your children ishow they become and what they
would demonstrate and duplicatein this world.
So we're teaching them falselyabout certain things.

(59:45):
They're going to have thatideology and when they get out
in the world they're going to belike I have a wood, array of
wood, so what's the garden?

Speaker 2 (59:52):
you're producing.

Speaker 1 (59:53):
Yeah, like it's crazy , like so many times, you know,
when we think about the role ofthe parent, like it's not just
um provider, food, you know,shelter back in the day, food,
clothes, shelter, you you know,but it's so much more, you know.
I think when people look atmaslow hierarchy they only look
at those three things but don'tlike, it's a whole pyramid love

(01:00:16):
and belonging, acceptance,self-reliance.
There's so many things in thatpyramid that we don't tap in as
parents, but it's important forgrowth and development.

Speaker 2 (01:00:25):
It is, and some people think that things are
wrong with their children, andthe whole time it's
communicating.

Speaker 1 (01:00:32):
They needed that space.

Speaker 2 (01:00:34):
They needed that environment to feel comfortable
to speak up, because I'mdisrespecting you, because I
ain't washed the dishes orcleaned up.
Really, I just ignored youbecause why did I have to clean
it up?
You're the one who gave it tome, right?
So if you go through the aliens.
You're the one who gave it tome.

Speaker 1 (01:00:53):
Yeah, I think, as parents seek first to understand
versus be understood is soimportant because everybody
wants to be understood, right,but we got to listen, to listen,
to hear versus just to respond.
Because we get it wrong everytime.
We just listen to respond, wego off the handle and stuff.

(01:01:13):
So, as we're wrapping up, so,moody, so as a father, right,
how do you, what would you sayto men, men, other men who
really need to be like active,like understand the importance
of their role in the family andtheir children lives and how it
affects the community as well,so starting the house like that

(01:01:39):
role?
as a man first of all role.
Your role as a man then goesinto marriage, fatherhood and
then out in the community and inthe world Like how is that so
important?

Speaker 3 (01:01:50):
So I mean so it's important, right?
So you know everything sayslike everything starts from the
household, right, so, like so.
If you want these certainthings, right, I mean we could
talk about talk about the idealcliche jobs or whatever a lawyer
, a doctor and things like that.
If you want those things foryour kid and you want them to go

(01:02:12):
out and be successful in thecommunity and represent your
name, well, right, becauseyou're a moody, I mean all the
moodies always say you're amoody.
You're a moody.
You know what I mean.
I even talk to myself.
I'm like, come on, man, you gotthis.
You're a moody.
But if you want them torepresent what that means to be
like, carry your name andrepresent you like you gotta
make sure you are.
You're uh, pouring in thosequalities, what you expected,

(01:02:34):
your, your, your values and allthat and make sure that you're
aligning those with with withwhat your expectation.
So if you want your child to be, hypothetically just say you
want them to be a professionalathlete, right, they can't be a
professional athlete if youain't practicing with them.
If you like you know what I mean.
If you just send them topractice and they come home and

(01:02:59):
y'all only go practice twice aweek and y'all don't do nothing
else.
You ain't going to be aprofessional athlete, you might
not even be a high schoolathlete.

Speaker 1 (01:03:07):
At this point, middle school is looking a little far
off for you, or same thing witheducation.

Speaker 3 (01:03:11):
Like, yeah, if you send your kid to school and
that's all they do, or whatever,like some kids will be, but for
the majority for not thoseoverachievers and things like
that they're going to be average.

Speaker 2 (01:03:29):
So whatever your expectation is, you've got to
make sure that your expectationmeets practice.

Speaker 3 (01:03:32):
So your expectation, whatever your expectation is,
you've got to make sure thatyou're following through with
those on your end, yeah, andmaking sure that those things
are aligned with whatever youwant, or are aligned with
whatever you want, and also it'sso important to make sure that
you are raising strongindividuals who are able to walk

(01:03:55):
away from those negativesituations right.
So that's where you see,especially your, your early,
early offenders and things likethat.
You see a lot of those arereally good kids like right are
really good kids when they gotup with johnny who ain't been
doing nothing for 20 years andhe got in and johnny just sent
the the super hype and he justshowed him, like yo, I got the

(01:04:17):
new jordan's and I did this,like you know, and so now your
child is, um, if they'reweak-minded, they're subject to
doing that right, you know, Imean.
And so you got to make surethat they're they're able to
tell people no, or?
get themselves out of thissituation, so that way they're
not subjected to those thingsthat you don't want them to be

(01:04:40):
subjected to right that don'tappear pressure and bullying and
stuff, because I mean,ultimately, your kid is gonna be
away from you a lot.
You ain't with them a lot.
I mean, early on, you with thema lot, but after that they start
checking on me, you know, andnow you're about to be going for
13 weeks with no conversationsyeah now, what did you pour into
your kids and make sure thatthey're going to be right be on

(01:05:01):
it, yeah, yeah and be able tokind of embrace all those things
right, so that your daughter'sgoing to the marines, right yeah
so what did I pour into my kid?
to make sure that they?
A are in the right crowd, beable to tell people to stop
doing something if they don'twant to do.
See engaging all, taking allthe information so that way that

(01:05:23):
she is most equipped to besuccessful in whatever it is
that she's doing right so, likeall those things, all those
things matter so and it allstarts at home home early on.
It starts at when they, whenthey're an infant, like you know
, you embrace them and all thatstuff you provide them and you
meet those needs that they needand things like that, and then

(01:05:48):
everything counts.

Speaker 1 (01:05:50):
I like that.
Everything counts, there'snothing wasted.
I'm big on that Everythingcounts, there's nothing wasted.
Oh, that's awesome, pam, yougot anything?

Speaker 2 (01:05:58):
before we close out Nah, just make sure you show up
the best way you can show uptoday, tomorrow and you know,
and until you know, your time isdone, because you don't, you
don't know when it's going to beyour last time that you get to
spend with somebody and allhonesty, especially the way the
world is going like.

(01:06:19):
So just be the best.
You show up, the best way youcan.
You feel me, whether you yougotta do a parent household or
or you don't.
Figure out something.
You can do better tomorrow thatyou didn't do yesterday, right?

Speaker 3 (01:06:33):
and I just tell you about the clothes right yeah, I
do want to say something, uh, soalso like as a father or a
parent in general, self-care issuper important, oh yeah.
You have to make sure Anytraining that I went to, they
always use the statement whenyou get on a plane, in case of
an emergency, put your oxygenmask on prior to helping someone

(01:06:54):
else.
A lot of times, as parents, wedon't do it.
I also heard you say throughoutthe like uh, counseling and
things like that.
You have to make sure thatyou're okay in order to make
sure your family is okay.
Right, and I mean obviously youcan't ignore them completely,
but you gotta make sure thatyou're okay, yeah okay, I, I,

(01:07:15):
you know I like that because alot of people talk about
self-care.

Speaker 1 (01:07:18):
So, and it's interesting that a lot of men
that I have on here and we talkabout the rose of fathers, like
most men, are talking aboutself-care now and they have not
like you know, parent mom.
We barely talk about self-careand we think self-care is
getting our nails done orwhatever.
That ain't even self-care.
But there is things deeper justsometimes just sitting in a
quiet space for your ownself-care but I'm glad you

(01:07:38):
brought that point up definitelytake care of yourself again,
because you're gonna burn out ifyou don't take care of yourself
.
You know, and I always say this, like my sister passed away at
36 and her husband passed awaywhen he was 36 there, the girls
that I have they were four andsix when their dad died and six
and eight with their mom died.
That wasn't a lot of time withtheir parents.
They've been with me more thanthey've been with their

(01:07:59):
biological parents, right.
So every moment counts,everything counts making sure
that you're taking care of yourhealth so that you can be around
for your children you knowself-care whatever it is for you
and making sure that you'reallowing your kids to get
self-care too, because you can'tteach them self-care if you're
not doing it yourself.
And self-care is important foreverybody.

(01:08:20):
Even the dogs need self-care,they need to be out.
You know what I mean.
So I think it's so importantand I like that you said it.
So, again, we all things thatwe're talking about fathers, the
role of a father, importance ofthe father and I think that we
did an amazing job this monthtalking about it and for you
just to round us all because youpretty much brought it all
together the importance of afather so certainly appreciate
you being on the show, you know,and talking, talking to us

(01:08:41):
about all different aspects ofthat, you know, and just the
role as a father in the houseand in the community, because I
believe, as um the gentleman wason last week, that we can build
better communities if we buildbetter homes, so we need to
build back our homes, okay so ifyou got anything, tonight like
from anything.
Just be better, do better so wecan have better.

(01:09:02):
Yes, all right.
Thank you guys for joining uswith the purpose I am your host,
donna janelle where we striveto bring back the responsibility
, nobility and beauty back intoparenting.
We know it's hard, challenging,but it's beautiful too.
It's challenging, but it'sbeautiful too.
I'm just gonna keep saying thaty'all.
So thank you guys for joiningus.