Can You Spoil Your Infant?

Episode Transcript

Molly OShea (00:00):
Hello and welcoming to parenting with the pros and
cons. I'm Dr. Molly, and I'mCinzia Filipovski. And today
we'll be discussing, can youspoil your infant? First a
little bit about us.

Cinzia Filipovski (00:18):
I'm Cinzia and I'm a certified positive
discipline educator. I work fulltime, I have twin boys that are
five years old, that keep mevery busy. And I am just a
parent in the trenches like therest of you. And hopefully we'll
be able to give each other someideas and move along on this
road to watching our childrenbecome adults.

Molly OShea (00:43):
I'm Dr. Molly. I'm a pediatrician. I've been in
practice for about 30 years, andI've helped families raise their
kids. For all that time while Iwas raising my own. I have four
kids who are young adults. Now,I've also been involved with the
American Academy of Pediatrics.
I've been a journal editor and anational speaker for them. I've
also written and talked aboutall sorts of parenting topics.

(01:03):
I'm also a parent coach, and ateen coach. So let's get into
it. Can you spoil your infant?
This is a question I've beenasked billions of times over the
years. And I thought it would bewe both thought it would be a
great topic for today. Cinzia,you've got a beautiful scenario

(01:24):
to get us started off. So

Cinzia Filipovski (01:26):
yeah, let's get I think, one that I think
many of us have lived throughyou, you have a baby, a
beautiful new baby who's aboutone month old, and you've just
fed the baby, you've changedtheir diaper and you've just put
them down to sleep, and they'resleeping. So you decide this is
a great time to catch a few Z'smyself and catch up on some

(01:48):
rest. So you're just about tosit down and take a little nap
yourself. And when baby iscrying, and you just take a deep
breath, you get up and you thinkI'm just gonna go grab my baby.
So you walk that way and yourmother in law happens to be
over? Who stops you and saysWhat are you doing? You can't go

(02:10):
every time the baby cries,you're gonna spoil the baby.
What do you do? Well, this is areal life scenario. Yes, Been
there, I

Molly OShea (02:23):
bet we've all been there in one way or another made
out of bet our mother in lawmade a bet her mother could have
been her husband could have herown little little selves in our
mind's eye telling us that sameasking us that same question.
But it's a question every parentasks or wonders about right? Can
you spoil your baby? So this isthere's a lot of pros and cons

(02:44):
on this one. So what do youthink, Cinz? What are your
thoughts?

Cinzia Filipovski (02:48):
I think it depends on the age of the baby.
You know, I think that theyounger infants, baby, you
cannot spoil them too much youthose first few months of life,
you just want to give them asmuch love and they need it. And
I think that you can't spoil ababy when they're just a
newborn. But I do think as ababy gets older, that there is

(03:11):
some possibility of creatinghabits. I'll say that can lead
to some issues maybe. And it alldepends. I think I in your
lifestyle. It depends on how youwant to appearance and it also
depends on what your scheduleis. And I think all of those
things play into this. How aboutyou?

Unknown (03:33):
Well, I think the word spoil is such a heavily charged
word. And it definitelyengenders strong feelings, like
nobody wants to spoil theirchild, okay, like, who starts
out parenting is like, Oh, I'mgonna be the parent who spoils
their child. No one ever right?
So whether you go and get thatchild who's crying at one month

(03:55):
of age or not I think looking atit through that lens is the
wrong lens to be putting on tolook at it. And I'd love the way
you started out theconversation. Cinzia because
it's a it's really about are youattended to that child to meet
their needs, or your needs.

(04:19):
Because if that child needssomething, if that cry is
indicating that they needsomething, well, you can't
possibly spoil that infant thenright? They need something they
need their diaper change, theyneed to be fed, they you know,
or have they spit up and theythey need to be cleaned up. But
if you're if you're tending tothat child because that cry

(04:41):
upsets you. And hearing that crymakes you uncomfortable, but the
child really doesn't needanything then you might be
getting into a bad habit. Whichis exactly the word I love that
you used. Because it's reallynot about spoiling the child,

(05:02):
it's about getting into a badhabit. So, you know, that's
really how I that's the lens Ilike to apply is, if you're
meeting a child's need noproblem, you can't spoil a
child. But if you're meetingyour need, it could be a
problem.

Cinzia Filipovski (05:19):
You to take that little pause and ask

Molly OShea (05:21):
right and try to figure it out. Or, you know, are
you you know, whose need are youmeeting in this transaction
here? And, and I think that'strue, like throughout that whole
throughout life, right.

Cinzia Filipovski (05:36):
Exactly.
Sometimes you might, I don'tcare. I want to do it. Exactly.
I might be meeting my needs, butat least I realize that and
accept that truth, and that'sfine. Sure, brother. But yeah,

Unknown (05:53):
I just think as you know, when a when a baby is a
newborn, there's so many thingsgoing on, and you are trying to
just acclimate yourself to thewhole idea of being a parent, if
you're a first time parent, oreven if you're not a first time
parent, there's a new being inyour home that you are all
adjusting to. So I think thosefirst few months, it's just

(06:13):
you're trying to survive, quitehonestly
It's a crap show don't know whatyou're doing. And it doesn't
know what they're doing. Yeah,no baby, and you're figuring
each other out. It's arelationship, her. It's like,
early dating, like, Oh, no,like, you know, does this guy or
this woman that you're dating?
Does she really like sports? Ordoes she really only like them
because you mentioned sports?

(06:36):
Once? You know what I mean?
Like, your still figuringit out.
And it's not quite dating. It'sdealing with a commitment that
you can't go back on. Right kindof life, right? It's marriage.
Yes, yeah, yes, I will grow tolove this habit, or I won't,
I'll deal with it. But I thinkit's It is, it is important to

(06:59):
to, you know, try to think aboutit in those ways. And I think
those first few weeks of yourchild's life, you can't think
about it, it just is what it is.
So if you need to grab your kidand calm them down and quiet
them. I know, as I mentioned, Ihave twin boys, I know when my
babies were, you know, newbornbabies, oftentimes it was they
also have a need to just feelclose to their mother, sometimes

(07:21):
anyone could try to hold themand they would be still, they
would still be crying,screaming. And if I just held
them up against my chest, andthey heard my heartbeat, they
stopped. And I think that's justthat's a need in those early
days. So I think that we need tothink about that, too. And we
don't always have to judgeeverything harshly as being

(07:43):
important and not important.
Again, it's your lifestyle, yourhabits that you are creating, or
your child's habit, and it comesdown to what can you live with?
And what Won't you be able tolive with. And sometimes we
can't, we don't have the energyto think too far ahead. And
that's okay. But once yourbaby's a few months old, I think

(08:07):
you should be thinking ahead alittle bit. Because as your
child becomes four or five, sixmonths old, you are going to be
creating some habits. And it'sgoing to be a little bit more
difficult to change those. AndI'm sure Dr. Molly can attest
that those habits then becomeparents that are just sleep
deprived, or are justfrustrated, because they don't

(08:28):
know how to get their child onsome sort of sleep schedule or,
you know, things of that thatnature. And I am sure they come
into your office, Dr. Molly, andthey're crying and frustrating
and frustrated, and they justdon't know what to do at that
point. So I think those areThink about it.
Yeah, no, I agree completely. Ido think in the first couple of

(08:49):
months of life, it really isjust a hot mess. And you're
you're as a as a mother, atleast, you're still recovering
from the experience of givingbirth. And even a parent who's
adopted a child is stilladapting to the huge sea change
of having this new baby in thehousehold. So I think you know,

(09:10):
the first two months, it's agimme you, you just do what you
need to do to learn that child'scues. Beyond that point, though,
and and get yourself adapted toto the routine of having an
infant in thehouse, you can shower again, and
you're on some sort of regularmeal schedule of your own. And
you can start thinking about theother thing .

(09:31):
Right think though, what canhappen or, and and this is when
it gets a little bit tricky, isthat by responding to every cry,
it can get tricky to discernwhat do different cries mean?
And especially for a parentwhose response to most cries

(09:54):
with feeding doesn't necessarilyhave to be nursing, but it could
be with bottle feeding, whoresponds to most cry with food,
it really gets tricky. So, youknow, because not all cries mean
hunger, some cries mean tired,some cries mean, you know, my
diapers not right and some criesmean I just want to be held and

(10:15):
you know and trying to figureout what all those different
cries mean can be challenging.
And if you end up creating apattern of responding to all
cries with similar responses,you really dull yourself to
listening to learn what thebaby's tried to communicate to
you. So I do agree with you thatby, I don't know two to three

(10:39):
months somewhere in there if anatural progression towards
sleep patterns isn't happeningorganically, if the baby isn't
naturally moving towards somesort of patterned sleep, that it
may be time if you're ready totalk about it to talk about it

(11:02):
with your pediatrician or with awith a sleep coach or something
in order to help understandbetter, what is your child
communicating? So that gettingon some sort of sleep schedule
And really, it's getting out offeeding schedule, because that
really is what causes the sleepto get in line might be a good

(11:23):
idea.
Absolutely. I think one of thebiggest things that I learned as
a parent early on was just thatlistening to your baby, if you
take a moment, and don't jumpup, when the baby starts to cry,
you'll start to see that babysometimes just make sounds that

(11:46):
sound like they're about to cry,but they're not necessarily
about to cry. And that wouldhappen a lot when they're, you
know, first adjusting tosleeping or doing different
things. You know, I you know,it's kind of like comparing to a
new puppy. You know, that doesthat, that whining that that
cry, that whining sound, if youjust let them be for a minute,

(12:06):
they stop. And sometimes thebabies are doing the same thing.
And they're sleeping and makingthe sound. So they're not even
consciously doing it. And if wejust let them be, they kind of
go right back to sleep, they'realready still sleeping
sometimes. So I can see how ifwe run and try to grab them or

(12:27):
do different things, we do startto create habits. So I think
that that's the first step isjust sometimes counting to 10,
before you actually approachyour child might be a good
strategy, because then you cansee is this going to be a real
cry? Or is this just they justpassed gas? I mean, quite
honestly, you don't even know.
Right? So I think that those arethe types of things. And I know

(12:50):
that the schedule,I do think that parents have
been done a disservice with babymonitors, because every single
sound is amplified. And theassumption is that babies, and
parents are an edge, you know,and the assumption sort of is,

(13:14):
is that bait that it's not safeto not use the monitor. And so
there, the assumption is thatsomething bad could happen at
any time. So I need to use themonitor. So anytime a sound
occurs, that needs to beattended to look at it, and
right something or listen to it,whatever, like the looking
either. I don't even get mestarted on all that. So I almost

(13:36):
really wish, you know, in myperfect world, we would go back
to the age unless you live insome giant mansion. And if you
do, I'd like to get to know youbetter. But, you know, I wish we
could go back to an age of nomonitor. Because I'm not sure
tdhat monitors are doing parentsany favors. Or mind's eye on

(13:57):
right? It undermines confidence,it decreases a sense of
independence. And you know,like, Oh, yeah, my baby's fine.
It really gives them thisanxious sense about their
babies.
And babies aren't quiet, youknow, they're just not quiet. I
think that, you know, they're,they're trying to regulate their

(14:19):
own bodies there. All kinds ofthings are happening. Imagine
coming out into this new world.
What a harsh reality. They'recoming to terms with, you know,
so the idea that they're justthey're supposed to be quiet is
some false idea. That's forsure. So I you know, and as far
as the schedule, I think thatthat's, that's a topic that
we'll talk about and in adifferent time, because it can

(14:40):
take its own own whole, youknow, time period to go over.
But I think that as new parents,you should be thinking about
what is your lifestyle going tobe? What are your expectations
for your child? Because I dothink as well that we have kind
of been guilted into this ideathat Children that we need to
adjust our lives totally andcompletely to adjust to a new

(15:04):
baby, versus also helping thatbaby adjust to their new world
in our lives as they are,obviously, we have to make
adjustments, but not to havesome sort of compromising
schedule or adjustment is justnot necessarily realistic.
Because I think that we thenlose ourselves as people, as

(15:26):
mothers, you know, and it is adetriment later on, you know, if
we could go backwards, we couldsee all the little steps we
took, that led us to a veryfrustrating, 10 month old baby
that's not sleeping through thenight or, you know, different
scenarios. So I do think thatjust kind of being aware of that

(15:48):
at the beginning, after those,like we talked about first few
weeks.
I think some working mothers, Iknow, I was one of them, and you
are one of them, as well, youknow, have this this kind of
mountain of I don't know, ifit's, if it's all guilt, but
it's there are a lot offeelings, you know, like a lot

(16:09):
of feelings. And I think whatcan happen is that you're you're
disconnected from your childthroughout the day, whether
you're at home working, orwhether you're at at an office
working, and you come home, andyou know, you you don't want to,
you know, set limits in the sameway, you don't necessarily want

(16:32):
to, if your child cries, oh, inthe early months, you know, I
see, you know, up until sixmonths of age, and maybe even
beyond that, for some workingmothers, they feel like if their
child cries or is upset, or youknow, gives any sort of noisy
noise, they feel very stronglythat they want to attend to

(16:56):
that. period. all night long, nomatter what, because they feel
so strongly that they are eitherkind of missing out or they you
know, they feel like I'm notsure exactly what the feelings
are. But it isn't necessarily ahealthy engagement with their

(17:16):
child. And as you point out,Cinzia I think beautifully, that
the baby isn't, that's notnecessarily a good thing for
anybody. Right? It Again, it's,it gets into that question of
whose needs are we meeting. Andthat puts that lens of spoiling,
which I hate that word, becauseit's not a good word. But if you

(17:38):
are getting up in the middle ofthe night to meet your need,
because you feel like I've beenaway from my child all day if
blah, blah, blah, well, that'snot quite right. Because your
six month old, for example,doesn't really need to eat
during the night anymore, youknow, and you've created a habit
of it that is actually not ashealthy. So we will talk about

(18:02):
scheduling, we will talk about,you know, sleeping through the
night in future podcastepisodes. But I really do think
Cinzia, you've really touched ona couple of things today, which
will, we'll talk about more,which is how your parenting
style affects your decisionsaround all kinds of things. And
you have to be comfortable inyour own skin as a parent.

(18:23):
Right. And also, we'll talk moreabout about scheduling and and
who what sort of schedule fitsyour parenting style.
And you don't have to loseyourself in the process, I think
as a part of it. I do think thatas you know, as you've touched
upon Dr. Molly, I think as womenespecially, I don't think men
feel it as much. The workingfather doesn't feel it as much

(18:47):
as the working mother. I thinkit's just because it's just how
we're wired. But I know thatthat that feeling of you're not
100% in any one part of yourlife. So you're not giving your
kid 100% of yourself, you're notgiving your work on a percent of
yourself. So there is this, it'sit's more than just guilt, as
you pointed out. It's it's ait's just not a good feeling at

(19:09):
all. And I think that we have tostart allowing each other as
women as mothers, we have toallow each other to not have to
meet a certain expectation,who's setting that expectation.
You know, we've been, we've beenexisting for 1000s of years, and
moms have done it for 1000s ofyears were there. Maybe they

(19:30):
weren't working in the sensethat we're working today. But
moms worked on farms, they didall kinds of things and that
that baby came along with themom, and that baby adjusted to
what was needed by that family.
And I think that we have lostthat in our today's standards.
We've you know, we're not goodparents if we're not making
changes to adjust to ourchildren. And, you know, I think

(19:52):
that children are the center ofour lives, but I think that we
do a disservice to them. If theywe make them feel like they're
the center of the world, andthat lot that I don't that's a
beautiful statement. Yeah, thankyou. I just I just think that
that's something that I havethought a lot about as a parent,
I don't want them to grow upthat way, because that is a

(20:13):
disservice to them. So I thinkit all starts from infancy.
Yeah, I agree with you. And Ialso think that what we've
replaced, you know, and havingchildren integrated, I think
that there have been a lot ofadvances in parenting that have
been favorable for therelationship between parents and
children. So it's not likeeither one of us wants to go
back to the whatever, agw. No,no, not at all, not. But I think

(20:39):
there are things from the olddays that are valuable for us to
reflect on and not just throwaway. Because in today's world
of parenting, every parent isburdened with the sense of
perfection, there's a lot ofanxiety around parenting. And as
a result, there is also thissense of, you know, doing

(20:59):
everything just right, in orderto have somehow I feel like
that, that the goal or the theoutcome, it's an outcomes
oriented parenting so that if Ido all these things exactly
right, I'm going to have thisspecific outcome, when really,
parenting is about arelationship with the child, the
child is is is ultimately goingto be whoever they're going to

(21:21):
be. And frankly, no offenseparents, you have very little to
say about your child's long termout the you know, their outcome
in the sense of who are theygoing to be having raised four
kids to adulthood, I canguarantee you that truth. But
what you can do is you can youcan either create a good
relationship with your child,you can enjoy that process or

(21:42):
not. Right? That's really whatwe're talking about. So the
topic of can you spoil yourinfant? The answer is, we'd
rather not talk about it in thesense of spoiling, but you can
create habits that are put inplace because you're meeting
your own needs, rather than yourinfant's needs. And meeting your
own needs is not going to be themost healthy way to begin

(22:07):
developing that relationshipwith your child. So in any
relationship, especially onethat is going to be lifelong,
and it's going to be asenriching as your parent child
relationship, especially sinceyou're the parent, building that
relationship initially, onmeeting your child's needs
primarily, is the most importantthing. So as you explore, you

(22:31):
know, how you're responding toyour infant, I think it is
important to think about, whoseneeds Am I meeting, and whose
needs am I, you know, thinkingabout in this moment, and it
absolutely doesn't mean that younever put your needs first in
that relationship, because youdo in all your relationships at
times. But on balance, youshould be looking to meet your

(22:55):
child's needs first. And whenthose needs are in conflict,
your child's needs should winmore often than yours. And
that's I think, how we feel thethe question of Can I spoil my
child is best resolved.
Absolutely wrapping it up today.
You know, I think we've we'vetried to give you a framework

(23:18):
for thinking about, can youspoil your infant, and I hope
you found it valuable.

Cinzia Filipovski (23:25):
And if you do, it's okay. To a certain
extent. That's

Unknown (23:29):
right, sometimes. Yeah, that's right. Y'all do that
right times for sure. Yeah. Andso Cinzia where can folks learn
more about about our parentingwith
you can go to our website, it'sparenting with the pros and
cons.com and you can check outour other podcasts. And you can

(23:52):
contact us and Dr. Molly,to I've got a website, Dr. Molly
OShea. Calm and you can alsofollow me on Instagram. It's dr.
D, o c t o r all spelled out.
DoctorMollyOShea is my handle onInstagram. So we really do enjoy

(24:14):
you know, sharing with youplease let us know if there are
topics you'd like to hear aboutthings you want us to address,
we would love to hear from you.
And we will,

Cinzia Filipovski (24:25):
whatever feedback you have, we'd love to
hear what you guys like or don'tlike and you know, if you tried
some of our tips and how you didwith them, you know, right we
want to hear about it all

Unknown (24:35):
the details. Alright, until next time, this is Molly
an Cinzia