Episode Transcript
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Molly OShea (00:01):
Hi, everybody,
welcome to parenting with the
pros and cons. I'm Dr. Molly,and I'm Cinzia Filipovski. And
today we're going to bediscussing parental guilt, and
how to handle it. First, alittle bit about us. I'm Dr.
Molly. I'm a pediatrician who'sbeen in private practice for
about 30 years now, I've raisedfour kids to adulthood who are
(00:25):
in their early 20s. And I spentmy life talking to people about
parenting issues at the locallevel, and at the national level
for the American Academy ofPediatrics. And I love talking
to parents about the pros andcons of parenting.
Cinzia Filipovski (00:41):
And I'm
Cinzia Filipovski, I'm a full
time working mom of five yearold twin boys. I'm the executive
director of two medical officesand an owner of a medical
practice management company. I'ma certified positive parenting
educator. And as you canimagine, I am busy, but I am
balancing life. And like you, Iam raising my family with all of
(01:04):
the pros and cons. So let's divein.
Molly OShea (01:07):
Alright, let's dive
in. I know that parenting guilt
is a reality for every singleperson who has ever raised a
child, you know, you cannot doeverything right all the time.
And you hold yourself tostandards that no person could
ever meet. And not to mentionmothers in law. So let's talk
(01:30):
about all of the different waysthat parenting guilt kind of
creeps into to our lives. SoCinzia Why don't you Why don't
you start?
Cinzia Filipovski (01:39):
I think, you
know, one of the biggest things
that causes guilt is ourexpectations. You know, and I
think that it's the expectationsthat we set on ourselves, I
think are often the hardest. Iknow, you know, I've been seeing
people talk about this more andmore lately, and, and just the
expectations we had over thislast year, this pandemic year of
(02:04):
getting more accomplished forthose that were home for long
periods of time, or those thatare working from home, and not
really accomplishing thosethings, whether it's, you know,
losing an extra 10 pounds, or,you know, redoing some room in
your house or organizing this orcooking meals. I think that you
know, we just feel this guilt,because a lot of us feel like
(02:27):
we've had this extra time. Andwe didn't do anything with it,
or at least that's what wethat's our perception of it.
Molly OShea (02:35):
I think that's a
great point. I think people all
of us spent this last year, andwe spend every year Frankly, I
mean, whether it's a pandemic ornot, we we set goals for
ourselves, or we set aside theseideas as a parent, especially
for what we want to do with ourchildren. And so often, life
(02:56):
gets the better of us. And wecan't get to a point where we
can make those things happen.
Rather than look back at thethings we have accomplished, and
have enjoyed with our families,we look instead at the things
that we haven't done. An exampleI'd like to give for the
difference in in the way we lookat things is, you plan for a
(03:18):
party, whether it's your kid'sbirthday party, or whether it's
a dinner for friends, whateverit's going to be the people who
come to the party, they neverknow what you didn't get done.
Right? And their only hope is toenjoy themselves at the party.
They're not coming there tojudge or assess your whatever it
(03:40):
is you and your head have comeup with for what that party is
supposed to be. And kids are thesame way. Right? Kids don't know
what you didn't do. They knowwhat you've done. And they're
not sitting in judgment of youas a parent about what you have
or haven't done or whetheryou've done it in the most
(04:02):
Pinterest perfect way orwhatever. Kids are just
delighted to be spending timewith you. So I think parents
sometimes, like you said putthemselves in a place where they
create issues for themselves.
Unknown (04:20):
Yes, I think it's
definitely it's our own
judgement of ourselves. And so Ithink definitely we need to take
a step back and take a look atthat and realize one, you know,
is it realistic, theseexpectations that we have of
ourselves? Are they realistic?
Would we put those sameexpectations on our best friend?
Would we put that sameexpectation on our co worker,
(04:42):
whatever it might be? And then Ithink, you know, do we judge
other people in the same way? Sowe really have to take a very
close look at that and see howwe're judging ourselves because
that was a great example Molly.
I remember When, you know, we'redoing our wedding planning so
(05:03):
many years back, and that wasthe big thing that I remember
was getting drilled into my headby other people that if that
doesn't happen, no one's gonnaknow, no one's gonna know. And
it's the same idea. We have tolet ourselves off the hook. So I
think another thing is when wemake mistakes, I think that in
(05:24):
our society, today, we're livingin this world where we can't
make mistakes, we can't say thewrong thing, we can't do the
wrong thing, because it wouldcause such an embarrassment or
an uproar, or a social status,or whatever it might be. So
everyone is just walking on pinsand needles with making
(05:45):
mistakes. And so I think thatthat's another area that we are
afraid, as parents to makemistakes.
I think that goes deeper to andI agree with you in public, it's
especially true, because youfeel you're not only judging
yourself, but you're beingjudged by others, you know,
you're that parent at theplayground whose kids having the
(06:06):
temper tantrum or whatever itis, what are all the other
parents thinking, or yours isthe kid at the birthday party
who's got his hands in the cakeinstead of the fork or, you
know, whatever the situationmight be, you know, or you're
the parent of a teenager, andthat teenager has now been
suspended from school for someproblem. And, and you you're as
(06:27):
worried about your teen as youare about what the other parents
are gonna think. So there are alot of times when we're parents,
when we feel guilty, because wefeel like, first of all, what
have I done wrong? You know, howhave I done something wrong,
that is created a scenario inwhich my child is behaving the
(06:48):
way that they are, when inreality, children just behave
certain ways because they'rekids. And it isn't necessarily a
flaw of parenting, which I thinkis really important to, to
discern, even if you were whichno parent could be the perfect
(07:09):
parent 100% of the time, thatdoesn't equate to perfectly
behaved children in the way youenvision them. Because children
are not objects that youcontrol. nor are they people who
are fully formed emotionallyaware and controlled human
(07:31):
beings.
Cinzia Filipovski (07:32):
We don't try
to control them, though, don't
we do right? Sometimes the moreyou control them, the worse.
Molly OShea (07:40):
So I think parental
guilt has to also be in a come
from that understanding that,that if some of that guilt is
being driven by the fact thatthat behavior makes you feel
like you've failed, when thatbehavior is normal childhood
behavior, then a greaterunderstanding of giving yourself
(08:02):
grace in parenting is going tobe an important step for you as
a parent,
Unknown (08:09):
I think that's a great
point. I also think along the
same lines, just as much as weneed to forgive ourselves or
give ourselves grace, we need toextend that to other parents, we
need to ask parents allow otherparents, the okay to have
forgiveness and not blame themfor their own children's same,
(08:32):
the same issues that we'retalking about. This is again,
our society has become a veryjudgmental society. And parents,
I know that even in situations,I know, social media online,
I'll see posts about just thesetragic things happening to
children or to families. And thefirst thing that people go for
is what was the mom? What wasthe mom doing or what in
(08:54):
sometimes it's just out ofpeople's control. And so I think
that just as much as we arejudging ourselves, we're judging
other people. Because otherwise,we wouldn't know to judge
ourselves, I think if we didn'thave that same false expectation
or wrong expectation towardsother parents. So I think that
the bottom line is our guilt is,it's all from within our own and
(09:19):
we are within ourselves, butwe're projecting it onto other
people as well, almost to makeourselves feel better about
ourselves guilt. So I think thatit's it's all encompassed
together. And I think we need towork on it all as a whole, in
order for it to heal so that wecan then, you know, not only be
happier parents, but moreproductive parents and that we
(09:41):
can enjoy our time with our kidsand we can do things that are,
you know, worth our time in ourminds. Because, you know, that's
important.
I totally agree. I mean, here Iam a pediatrician for goodness
sake. I spent my whole lifeadvising parents about how to
partner with their With theirspouse, with their partner, and
(10:02):
how to raise, you know,emotionally healthy kids and do
it in a great way, and I amconstantly making mistakes
myself, I did, you know, raisingmy own children. And, you know,
learning how to let go of thosemistakes I made learning how to
not beat myself up about them,and recognize that my kids were
(10:24):
much more forgiving of me than Iwas of my own self was a
revelation. And I think it's animportant step to take as a
parent in order to let it go.
Because, first of all, it'simpossible to do it right. But
the idea that when you do itwrong, that somehow you've
you're you're on the path tocreating whatever your worst
case scenario is vision for yourchild is a catastrophizing way
(10:48):
to think about things that isunhelpful, and will just foster
that that fear mongering kind ofguilt, that is, is really not
not going to be healthy for you.
Or the children. We, you know,so let's talk a little bit about
(11:09):
how do we get rid of this guilt?
How can we change this, this,these feelings that we have, and
hopefully change the peoplearound us, as well, as we're
trying to change, at least toour perception of what's
happening? I think we talkedabout adjusting our expectations
already a bit. So I know thatthat's important. And I think
(11:30):
that, you know, as Dr. Mollyjust pointed out, realizing
you're not in control of thingsall the time, some things are
just not in our control. And Ithink that we need to just
recognize that more and more andmore. And the other thing I want
to want to kind of bring up is Ioften question who set the
standards that we're all tryingto live by? who has Who are
(11:52):
these experts and Pros?, Nooffense to Dr. Molly, because I
have the utmost respect and lovefor her, obviously. But who set
these expectations? We don't allneed to parent in the same exact
way. Our households don't needto all be the same. Our children
don't all need to behave thesame. We know that they're not
(12:13):
the same. So why are we alltrying to be in this cookie
cutter pattern? We have allthese parental guidance books
and advice books, you've got uswith these podcasts, you know,
giving advice. And I think mybiggest message to all of us,
including myself is evaluateeach bit of advice and see, is
(12:36):
it really worth it to you? Isthat really something that will
benefit you and your family?
Because if it doesn't, or ifit's against a core belief of
yours (what are your beliefs?)If it's something that's against
your inner belief, then why areyou trying to meet that
(12:56):
expectation? Why are you tryingto do that? I see that a lot, I
see that it's, it's more thankeeping up with the Joneses.
It's keeping up with mama andpapa Jones in the way that they
parent, and I just feel like,we're always going to fail at
that, that's not going tohappen.
Right? Yeah, I think you bringup really a great point, there
(13:18):
are several great points in thatin what you just said, I think
one of the things Cinzia you andI have talked about a lot over
the years is know yourself. Betrue to who you are as as a
parent and as a family, andrecognize what is going to be
important to you. And in thatway, stand strong. There may be
(13:42):
things that other families arechoosing to do, whether it's you
know, do do five sports whenyour kid is six years old, in
order not to, quote miss theopportunity of being on some
travel team by the time they're10. Or whether it's being super
involved in in a different kindof activity. For every choice,
(14:08):
there is something you tradeoff. And so you need to as a
parent, or you can, as a parent,look at it through that lens,
understanding that your childcan help drive some of these
choices that you make. Your jobas a parent isn't to imagine
(14:31):
what your child's maximizedpotential is, and make sure that
you give them every opportunity,but instead to build
relationship with your child sothat as their interests and
passions emerge, you can helpsupport those and help them
follow those interests anddrives all the way to the bank
(14:54):
to the end
Cinzia Filipovski (14:56):
to go on on
their own out. Yes, yeah. Yes.
You I think that we've talkedabout this before, I think, you
know, in some of our otherpodcasts, and I think that you
need to be a healthy parentinside and out in order for your
children to be healthy. And Ithink that that's so important,
I think that we need to startwith ourselves, it's the old,
(15:18):
put your oxygen on yourselfbefore anyone else in the
airplane. And I think that thatjust holds true in every aspect
of our lives, really. So it'svery important to do that.
Unknown (15:29):
One of the situations
though, where guilt is really
hard to let go, is when someonewho is very important to you,
your spouse, your in laws, yourbest friend, is triggering that
guilt in something that they aresaying to you. Whether it's
about how you're raising thekids, or how you're feeding the
(15:50):
kids, or whether you're havingthem participate in something or
the other. I think that can bereally challenging because you
love and trust what they have tosay you. But on another level
you are you and it may not fitwith how you are wanting to
(16:15):
manage your children. So Cinzia?
I don't know, if you've, youknow, how might How might you
handle a situation like that?
Well, I know that I will get ridof that guilt, I guess
I know that, you know, our were,you know, working in the in the
pediatric world, we have a lotof new parents coming through
the doors, and I, for many yearshave told all the new moms and
(16:37):
dads, we've talked, I've talkedabout this in our you know, meet
meet the practice typeappointments, I've said to them,
you're gonna get all kinds ofadvice, you're gonna get all
kinds of people telling youwhat's right, what's not right.
And some of that's going to befrom your in laws, your, your
mother, your aunts, uncles,whoever it might be. And I tell
(16:58):
everyone, just take it all witha grain of salt, take it in,
receive it, listen to it all,hold on to the parts that you
agree with, that you and yourhusband agree to. But as soon as
they walk out the door, let allof those opinions walk out the
door, your house, your home iswhat you want it to be, or you
should make it what you want itto be. And they don't need to
(17:19):
know about it, you don't need toargue about it, you don't need
to defend anything, you can justsmile except their advice. And
when they leave, they have noidea how you're handling it once
that door is closed. And so Ithink that that's important to
remember that we can be incharge of our own home. And we
should be and you should be onthe same page as your husband or
(17:43):
your child's other parent, orwho your co parenting with your
partner. That's who you need tobe on the same page with. And I
think that that is what'simportant. So that's kind of how
we handle it, I handle it. And Ithink that that's worked. It's
not to say we don't have thatparental guilt. It's something
that I struggle with myselfoften. And it's something that I
(18:06):
work through. But now at least Ihave the voice in my head that
tries to talk me out of it.
Because I know better, justsometimes I fall back into that
pattern. So I think that that'simportant. And the other thing
is, I think that we also justneed to forgive ourselves, like
we talked about and, andsometimes ask for forgiveness if
we made a mistake. So if youmake a mistake, instead of
(18:28):
feeling guilty about it as aparent, just apologize if it's
something that you know thatyou, you might have yelled at
your child or you did somethingthat you wish you could take
back, just let them know, I'msorry. You know, mommy shouldn't
have said that. Or mommy wasupset and she yelled at you by
mistake, whatever it might be,because one your child is going
(18:49):
to definitely forgive you. Butsecond, it's also teaching them
how to ask for forgiveness andhow to admit you have made a
mistake. So I think, you know,it's important to do those
things. And it's also importantto prioritize what's important
to you and prioritize who'simportant to you. If it's like I
(19:10):
said, your partner and yourchild, then that's how you can
determine how you're going tomove forward in your own
household. What have you doneover the years, Dr. Molly,
I think it's tricky sometimesbecause some types of guilt that
arise after you've hurtsomeone's feelings, let's say,
you know, you feel like you lostyour shit with your kid and you
(19:33):
feel like Well, that was a hugemistake. making amends like you
Cinzia Filipovski (19:34):
now they're
the busy ones, they have to make
talk about asking forforgiveness apologizing is very
valuable. There are other timesthough, when I felt guilty
because I wasn't able to be withmy child for something. Now as a
work life parent there's that alot of times when I couldn't be
present when I wanted to be andthat's not an easy fix. I can't
(19:58):
Just necessarily rearrange myschedule, and, and be there. And
that kind of guilt is is harderto release. So for me, you know
time for you.
what I've what I done over theyears really is, you know carve
Molly OShea (20:11):
Well, now my kids
Yes, yes. Yeah. And luckily,
out time with my kids so that Ican be intentional and focused
when I am available to be withthem. Not necessarily driving
the agenda all the time when I'mwe're together, like, you know,
they do. I feel like ourrelationship solid and the kids
making it not necessarily doingthings that I want to do. But
(20:32):
allowing us to have timetogether and letting them drive,
the the time we spend. That dosn't necessarily get rid of the
sadness, I feel over having mised something But it at least
helps me feel like I'm fillin, filling our tanks a little
it, a little bit more. And, younow, sometimes for those activ
(20:58):
ties or events where I feel thy they really are. Now it's e
sier. My kids were are in ther 20s. Now you couldn't just s
rt of FaceTime in back when thy were younger and see things
ut there are ways now with tchnology that you can partici
ate, even if you can't, in wayshat are that are a little bit
(21:28):
come over for dinner on Fridaynights. And it's great. But I
think that's a different kind ofguilt that is, you know, an
important one to talk about forworking parents. Absolutely. And
it is a hard thing.
Cinzia Filipovski (21:43):
Yeah, it's a
hard thing. I think we could do
a whole podcast on that. One.
It's difficult to be a workingparent and
Unknown (21:52):
I want to talk a little
bit more about briefly is kind
of that, that guilt you feelwhen you you feel like you are
when you feel like you've notmet, your your child's needs,
like whatever that need mightbe, whether the child is is in
(22:14):
an emotionally difficult place,and you can't meet that need, or
you are unable to meet thatneed. And or, like let's say you
have a four year old and theyare just having tantrums up the
wazoo, and you can't seem tofigure out what's going on. And
you're asking for help, butyou're struggling to find it and
you feel like you are justfailing as a parent and the
(22:36):
guilt that surrounds that. And Ireally do believe that most
parents will have a time intheir parenting journey, where
you have a stumbling block likethat, where something comes up,
whether it's school related oremotionally related, or, or your
child just is in a rough patch,and you feel like I just can't
help my child right now my childhas to help themself. And that
(23:00):
is a very challenging time as aparent, and there's a lot of
guilt around it. Because we feelas though our job is to solve
children's problems, protectthem and make them feel better.
And I want to help parentsunderstand that, although we
understand that's our mission,there are many times when we
need to allow our children, thisspace to solve their own
(23:24):
problems while we hold theirhand. And that's the job of a
parent too and recognizing thatI think it's important and can
alleviate some of the guiltaround it.
Cinzia Filipovski (23:37):
Yeah, that's
very important. You know, our
job, I always think our job isto just prepare them to be able
to do those things themselves,they have to function as adults
in this world and be able tohandle all those situations. So
that's a great point. So insummary, you know, we just want
to wrap up and talk about, youknow, reminders of taking care
(23:59):
of yourself first is veryimportant. Making sure that you
are well both inside and out. Sothat you can then handle all of
these different scenarios andsituations and challenges of
parenting because God knowsthere's tons of them. And
they're all all over the placeand all around us. You want to
you know, try to change yourfocus, change your inner voice,
(24:23):
so that you are not judgingyourself all the time and in
turn not judging other parents.
Because I think that that willhelp alleviate your own guilts
when we're not so quick to judgeothers. We want to also honestly
take it day by day and enjoyeach day. If you had a good day
today with your child, you hadan extra even if it was just 15
minutes, but it was 15 minuteswhere you really enjoyed each
(24:45):
other's time you laughed you hugDo you really connect it? just
celebrate that and you'll put itin the bank. Yeah, you know
that's important. Don't compareyourself to other parents, like,
you know, again, just notcomparing yourself because
there's no comparison. You know,I heard someone say, you know,
(25:06):
we make the mistake of comparingourselves to other people will
never live up to that, becausewe are all so unique. And so God
made us in that way. So weshould be only comparing to
ourselves to yesterday's self,and trying to get better. So I
think that's important. Andlast, you know, connect, solve
(25:26):
it, remember to love yourselfand forgive yourself. And, you
know, and that's, that's thebest we can do. It's definitely
a struggle, I don't think it'ssomething that we can just, you
know, ask Dr. Molly for somemagic pill to get rid of,
because it doesn't exist. It'ssomething that we have to work
on every day.
Molly OShea (25:45):
Well, I would like
to add one more thing, and that
is that our children are not aproject. Don't Don't be looking
for kind of an outcome. And ifyou can, instead, look at your
children, and in the format of arelationship, like you look at
your spouse or your best friend,it'll, it'll really change the
(26:08):
lens through which you seethings. And you won't
necessarily attach as manyperfectionistic or optimum
outcomes, sort of labels andexpectations to things. Because
how your child quote unquoteturns out that isn't necessarily
(26:29):
the way to think about yourchild. Because so much of that
is determined by your child.
Your job is to support and loveand, you know, instill values
and morals and give your childthe tools to be the best version
of him or herself.
Cinzia Filipovski (26:54):
Well, that
sums up the you know, our take
on guilt and how to deal withit. Dr. Molly, why don't you
tell everyone how to find us?
Molly OShea (27:03):
Well, if you like
what you heard today, keep
listening to our podcast, whichyou can find on parenting with
the pros and cons. You canfollow me on Instagram at Dr.
Molly OShea. Or you can find meon my website DrMollyOShea.com
Cinzia How about you for Thankyou for
Cinzia Filipovski (27:25):
listening to
this episode and tune in next
time as we explore anotherconversation and remember that
parenting supposed to be fun.
And don't be so hard onyourself. All right, we'll talk
to you next time. See you later.
Thank you. Bye bye.