Episode Transcript
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Molly OShea (00:02):
Hi there, and welcome to parenting with the
pros and cons. I'm Dr. Molly.
And I'm Cinzia Filipovski. Andtoday we're going to be
discussing how to not lose yourshit when your kids are driving
you crazy. But before we begin,I want to tell you a little bit
about us. I'm Dr. Molly. I'm apediatrician. I've been in
(00:24):
practice for over 30 years, andI've raised four kids to
adulthood. It's been a realchallenge at times. And it's
been a great journey as well.
I've also been a journal editorfor the American Academy of
Pediatrics. And I've spoken bothnationally and at the local
level on all sorts of topics, alot of parenting ones.
Cinzia Filipovski (00:48):
I'm Cinzia Filipovski, I'm a certified
positive discipline educator, Iwork full time and own my own
businesses. And meanwhile, I'm amother of twin boys that have
just turned five years old. So Iam in the trenches of parenting
with the rest of you. And I'mjust here to hopefully provide
some, some ideas and gain somealong the way.
Molly OShea (01:10):
Sounds good.
Alright, so we hope through thispodcast, through all the
different topics that we talkedabout, to give you the pros and
cons of a variety of parentingstruggles, and approaches to
solving them. So let's dive inour first topic, which is how to
not lose your shit when yourkids are driving you crazy? Is
that how happen often have alldone it? That's so ciencia,
(01:34):
you've got a little scenariothat you, I'm sure experienced
yourself, and why don't you? Whydon't you paint the picture for
us.
Cinzia Filipovski (01:44):
So this year, as we've all i'm sure
experienced, those of us thatare working, we've had to do a
lot of meetings and other thingsfrom home, or working from home
a lot of times. So one bigscenario that can often cause us
to lose our shit is when we askour you know, ask the kids to
leave us alone or be quiet for acertain amount of time for us to
(02:08):
take that important call, or todo that important over the
internet project or whatever itmight be working in your office.
And they just don't leave youalone. It's just one more thing
or mommy mommy or they'reconstantly barging at the door,
or as my boys do, they they'restarting to fight to gain
attention. So they're kind oftrying to just get you to come
(02:30):
out the door, because they knowyou're in there. And that's the
way to get you out. So I knowI've experienced this this year,
and I'm sure other people havewe just, you know, you just are
at your wits and you're tryingto do so many different things
and the stresses of everythingthat's going on. And so get
y'all You know, I'm
Molly OShea (02:49):
sure you've been guilty of basically turning off
the camera, putting yourself onmute, opening that door and let
them have it. That's
Cinzia Filipovski (02:57):
absolutely, I've done a few of the put it on
mute and grit through my teethas well. I've done that a few
times, without even turning thecamera off. But, and there's
been other times depending onwho's on the call with with you
or someone else where I've said,Hold on, I need to go take care
of something and when right andRob, you know, knowing that I'm
(03:19):
about to lose it. So right, Ithink this is a this is
something that's very commonthis year. And it's something
that we've all been through. Andit's it's tough, it's just
tough. I think that, you know,the kids just want our
attention. And we are doing ourbest to juggle attention with
the kids work, and just, youknow, house, the home, taking
(03:41):
care of everything in themeanwhile, and there's no real
break. Because we're not everleaving. I know that during this
past year, there were stretchesof time where it was probably 48
hours before I left the houseor, you know, the very beginning
of this whole thing. There wasdays, it was a you know, long
time before we left our home. Soit really is, you know, aside
(04:02):
from running outside andscreaming, sometimes. I know I
felt like doing that. So herewe're here today to kind of try
to maybe talk through thescenario and give some ideas of
how to how to do it. How to howto help your kids give you that
time that you right need.
Molly OShea (04:20):
Right. I think that's that's so important
because the kids are frustratedtoo. I mean, it isn't just us as
adults who are frustrated bythis whole situation. The kids
are super frustrated. They aresick and tired of being told,
you know, Daddy's gotta take ameeting again, or mommy's got to
be at her computer all day todayagain, because it's, it's
(04:42):
challenging for them, they seeyou and they want to be with
you. They want you to you know,whatever it is whether it's go
outdoors or whether it's do acraft or whether it's, you know,
whatever they want to be withyou and
Cinzia Filipovski (04:55):
they want to be watched. They want us to
watch them play. I mean, rightsometimes that's all I just
watched I watched me,
Molly OShea (05:02):
you know, right.
And so to be constantlydiverted, you know, and being
told I can't do that right nowreally does grind their gears
too. So it's frustration on bothsides. And of course, as kids,
their natural inclination is tofirst try whatever the good
strategies are to get yourattention. Like they might color
a picture and say, oh, look whatI did, you know, in order to get
(05:24):
your attention. But when thatfails over and over, they begin
to turn to negative behaviors inorder to get your attention. And
so meeting after meeting aftermeeting, you know, when when
they really can't get yourundivided attention, and yet,
you're right there. It's, it'sreally, really tough. So Cinzia,
what what strategies Did youtry? I mean, when, besides the
(05:46):
yelling, actually does workoften in the short term, so
let's not in the short term,
Cinzia Filipovski (05:56):
it does, but I feel like they raise their
they raise their bar, so thatyou're, you're getting more and
more upside each time. So youdon't want that to happen. Well,
then one
Unknown (06:05):
of this doesn't work in the long run, you know, I feel
guilty, I feel guilt worse, Ifeel bad. It's not, it's not a
good strategy, because nobodyfeels good when it's done. No.
Cinzia Filipovski (06:17):
And the other strategy I don't want to do is
we're not a home that shoves ourkids in front of the TV all day
long. I know that some people dothat. And I understand that I
really do I understand that thatis a solution. We've chosen not
to do that in our home. And it'sdifficult because we do still
try to limit their TV. Sobecause that's not an option, we
(06:40):
have to get really kind ofcreative in what we have our
kids do. I know one of thethings that works for us is we
talked to them ahead of time, Italked to them ahead of time,
that, you know, let's say I havea meeting coming up at nine
o'clock, they're up in themorning, I make sure to try to
spend breakfast with them, talkto them, and let them know what
is happening in my work life,what's about to happen, and
(07:03):
mommy has a meeting coming upand it's, it's going to be a
little bit longer of a meetingor it's going to be a short one,
or mommy has two meetingscoming, I kind of give them a
breakdown of what's going tohappen so that they have an
idea. And meanwhile, I make surethat I'm spending that one on
one time for at least 10 or 15minutes. Because I do feel like
10-15 minutes kind of gives thema little bit of fuel in their
(07:26):
tank, if you will, to allow youto step away for an hour or so.
And I have found that thatstrategy helps, you know, to
give them the heads up, my kidsare five, like I mentioned. So
at that age, I feel like youknow four up, they really do
respond to understanding whatthe schedule is going to be.
(07:47):
They thrive in their ownschedule. So knowing what a
change in that schedule is goingto be, I think gives them some
sort of gives them some power.
And so they understand what'sabout to happen, it's not a
surprise.
Molly OShea (08:00):
So that's a great first step, you know, it's
called, I call it time in orfill your tank, you know, where
you give those kids who are thatage kind of three to seven, that
really intense attention beforeyou have to break away and spend
time apart, letting them directthe play or the engagement,
whatever it is that you're doingtogether. And that can be super
(08:23):
powerful, so that theyunderstand that you're going to
you want to be with them too.
And and your and yourcircumstances prevent it, but
that you value that timetogether and you give it to
them. For some older kids, youknow, who are used to being in
school and used to seeing kindof on the blackboard or on a you
have something in the classroomsort of the schedule for the
(08:44):
day, writing it out, can bereally useful for those kids.
And you can put the time of dayor you can put after breakfast
this or after lunch that and besure to put in not just your
meetings, or your schedulestuff, but put in the time that
you're going to be with them aswell. And so this will be
playtime with parents or youknow, Dad time with the kids so
(09:07):
that they can look forward to itcolor coded if you if you need
to, for kids who are earlyreaders and may not really know
exactly what different colorsmean. But they'll know the red
stuff is the matings and thegreen stuff is the good stuff.
So if you color code it they'llknow what to look for. And that
(09:29):
can be a really useful strategyso that they know they don't
have to wait that much longer.
If they see that lunch is comingup soon or, you know that kind
of thing. And that's a greatstrategy for slightly older kids
who are early readers or schoolaged kids who are used to that
sort of routine in theirclassrooms. So old again, of
(09:50):
course teenagers are happy tohave you gone for the day.
They're like check out you know,we're seeing your mom.
Cinzia Filipovski (09:57):
They don't care what you're doing or where
you're at back. There, there islike, love it when you're
working. Exactly. And I thinkthat, you know, that school aged
child, they're excited to kindof have a schedule, they're
excited to see it. So it's kindof a, it gives some purpose to
their day to So, you know,keeping a routine schedule in
(10:17):
their meal times are there otherthings that doesn't change helps
them adjust when these otherthings pop up, too. So I think
that that's important. And asDr. Molly pointed out, putting
it into a schedule is isabsolutely great, because you
can go over it with them everyday. And I let them know, Oh, go
ahead. Sorry. Okay. And the lastthing I was gonna say was, I let
(10:38):
them know what the fun thingsare going to be after mommy's
done, you know, after mommy'sdone, this is the cue that I'll
be done, you know, I'll tellthem either after lunch or
whatever it might be. And we'lldo a, b and c together. And that
kind of gives them something tolook forward to. And they're
excited about it. And it's anexceptionally long day, for me,
(11:00):
and they're kind of what I'llcall bored. Because there's not
much excitement going on intheir, their part of the world,
then I try to save somethingthat they really enjoy doing. So
that that is something that Ican, you know, kind of let them
know. And then they're excitedabout that. And I and I talked
to them, and let them know thatyou know what the expectation
(11:20):
for them is, while I'm doingwhat I need to do, so that way
they can, you know, they can dotheir job while I'm doing mine.
So I think that gives thempurpose.
Molly OShea (11:31):
That's great. I really like that chance. And so
kids, some parents fall into thetrap of, you know, once the bad
behavior begins, they start tobribe their kids and say, you
know, if you're quiet for therest of the meeting, you'll get
a reward of some type. And Ireally encourage parents, rather
than getting to the bribe stage,instead, do a reward ahead of
(11:55):
time. And anticipating thatmeeting, knowing that especially
you know, with kids of certainages, as you really just talked
about, say that, you know, it'sgonna be a long meeting, I know,
it's gonna be hard for both ofus. So if you can, let me have
this meeting, and, and you guyscan play independently during
this time, or be quiet orwhatever words you want to use,
(12:17):
but be really specific. Becausejust say play quietly is kind of
vague for kids. So if you cansay if you can use your indoor
voices, and you can play withyour toys in the living room,
and whatever be very specific,say, when we're done, you're
going to get an extra booktonight at bedtime, you know,
and I'm very, very specific. Andthen but you have to follow
(12:38):
through. So if the kids aren'table to who you know, do their
part of it, then when bedtimecomes, you'll need to say, ah,
boy, I'm really sorry that we'reonly gonna have two books
tonight, it could have beenthree. But tomorrow, I'm sure
you'll earn that third book, andI doing that you you, you know,
(12:58):
incentivize their behavior alittle bit. And instead of
bribing them once the badbehaviors began, because that
incentivizes the bad behavior,right? I can, whew, I'm gonna be
bad. And then once I change mybehavior, I'll get something
good for it, you can incentivizegood behavior, right from the
start.
Cinzia Filipovski (13:18):
And it is important to follow through and
you will get some arguing you'llget some pleading, you'll get
even some crying sometimes whenthey don't get what they thought
that they would be Stein whetheror not they fulfilled their part
of the deal. And that's kind ofhow I talked to them too. Well,
next time, I know. And I saythings that are in the positive
(13:39):
instead of the negative nexttime, I know you're going to be
able to do it. Now you know,what is expected. And I know
next time you're going to do it,and next time, you'll get the
three books, or to kind of tagon to that. The other thing that
I like to do is I like to givethem a choice. You know, after
this day, you know, if we do ifyou let mommy do her meeting all
day, and you play in the den,you can decide what we what we
(14:04):
do later, you can decide if wego outside and do this or you
weak if you want to stay insideand play a game or whatever it
might be the choices that you'regoing to provide. And I feel
like again, that gives thempower to make a decision. And so
if we can give them thosechoices, when they don't have
choice in you going to work inthe home. It allows them to feel
(14:29):
empowered. And so I do believethat once they feel that
empowerment, that confidencethat they have some power in the
day, they're going to cooperatewith you more. But at the end of
the day, like Dr. Mollymentioned, if they didn't do
their part of the bargain, thatyou have to stick with it and
you can't give in. Yeah, that'slike kind of true. He'll learn
(14:51):
there learn fast. You know, onetime, one day of not getting
what they thought they weregonna get. I bet you tomorrow
they're gonna do what they need.
need to do to get it and itworks every time. And the more
consistent you are, the morethat they know that you mean
business and they will do it thefirst time. But if they know
that they can convince you andplead with you, and cry until
you give in, then anything youask them to do is kind of a
(15:15):
wash, it's just not going tohappen. Because they modify me I
have heard phrases as a parentwas, Hey,
Molly OShea (15:22):
this is not a negotiation. So you know,
behavior happened, you know, youguys made your job earlier
today. So we're not this is nota negotiation now. And that I
think that you know, juststanding tall as a parent and
understanding that you've givenyour kids choices all day long,
and they make choices. Andthat's fine. We all make
(15:42):
choices. But the more we canstand firm, and let our kids
learn natural consequences ofthe choices they make all day
long, the more prepared they'regoing to be for real life,
because real life doesn't giveyou 1000s of Mulligan's and
second chances and ninth chancesat all, you know, whatever. So I
agree completely with you Cinziaon that. But let's shift gears a
(16:06):
little bit because, you know,sometimes doing are you what
we're talking about here is theperfect parent, the parent who
just Oh, yes, I'm going to doall these beautiful things, and
my kids are just going to reallyjust take it on and be the
perfect children. But you knowwhat, that's not what happens
how to life is. So sometimes,sometimes all those goes awry.
(16:30):
And we have a terrible day withour kids, and we still lose our
shed. So let's talk through howdo we how do we recover from
that? How do we, how do we go onfrom there? So you're you're
really in the trenches rightnow. So on that day, when,
despite all your good efforts,it's still a rough day. How do
(16:51):
you suffer from that?
Cinzia Filipovski (16:53):
Well, one of the things that I tried to do, I
think that I tried to thinkabout what was the cause of
losing my shit, like, truly, itwasn't really what my kid did.
It could be I mean, that cantrigger it, but that's a
trigger. So what's causing itand most of the time, it's my
stress level, my ability toreally see what the kids are
(17:14):
trying to do. You know, as wesaid earlier, oftentimes, it's
just all about attentionseeking, or for them to remain
in control. So you can see theirstrategies, you can see what
they're trying to do, whetherit's positive or negative. So if
we step back as parents and justsee that and understand it, we
really can't, we can understandthat our losing our shit,
(17:36):
really, it doesn't have much todo with them. It's really about
our stress. And so one of thethings that I think it's really
important for us as parents todo, especially during this time,
is to figure out what do weneed, even if it's just five or
10 minutes, at the end of thenight, whatever it is that you
enjoy, some people like to takea bath, some people want a glass
of wine, some people just wantto read a book, whatever it
(18:00):
might be, you know, I have, asof late, started watching some
Tik tok, you know, it just makesme laugh. So that's my, that's
my relief. So I like to laugh atpeople stick dots. And, and that
just gives me you know, even ifit's just for five or 10 minutes
at the end of the night, so it'sjust important to to refill our
(18:21):
own tanks. Because the next day,we have to do it all over again.
Molly OShea (18:26):
And so it's important to say to your kids,
you know what, I made a mistake,yelling at you over this was not
a good move. And you know what,I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You know
what, I should have been coolerheaded about this. And although
you were driving me crazy, and Ithink it's fair to just tell
(18:49):
your kids, you know, what, youwere driving me crazy. I really
should have been calmer aboutthis. And it was, you know, and
talk them through it, talk themthrough your feelings, role
model, that kind of behavior, sothat when they're feeling at
times overwhelmed, or stressedout or whatever, and they lose
their shit, which will happenway more often right now,
(19:11):
because they're still kids,they'll have a language for
talking through their ownemotional, overblown kind of
'mistakes' and, and they'llunderstand that when they do
make mistakes, that you're opento hearing that and won't be
(19:31):
judgmental. That it's okay,good.
Cinzia Filipovski (19:34):
It's Okay to lose your shit once in a while
we're humans from and I thinkthat that's the reality. And I
know that, you know, Dr. Mollyand I, we've talked about this
over the years, we've, you know,I grew up in a loud home, you
know, and for the other people Iknow Dr. Molly's home was
different. So when we're loud orwe're being upset, it was, you
(19:56):
know, normal in my world. Soother people might see that
differently I want my kids to beable to realize this is normal,
people aren't always mad, youcan be upset, you can yell, you
can be upset. And that's okay,we get over it. And we still
love each other, I remind themthat I love them. And that, you
know, even after I disciplinethem, or I yell at them, I
(20:20):
always just tell them, I lovethem and remind them of that,
because I do think that theyneed to hear that as well. And
know that sometimes, and I thinkapologizing is important in that
in when you know that you didsomething that you shouldn't
have done as far as yelling, ifyou really lost your shit, and
you really, you know, took it toanother level. Then once you're
(20:40):
calmed down, and you think aboutit, you can you can go over and
apologize for that. And just letthem know, as she says, Dr.
Molly's said, you know, justsay, I really didn't mean to do
that I lost it. And they canunderstand that that everybody
does it, even their parents doit. Wow. It's okay. You know,
it's okay. And we'll still beloved, we'll still be accepted.
(21:02):
And we'll still be Okay, thenext day. And as I like to say,
each, each day, a new new start.
Thank goodness, yeah, thankgoodness we get by over the next
day. Yeah,
Molly OShea (21:13):
And I know a lot of parents are, you know, walk
around with a lot of worry or,or a sense of, you know, kind of
burden or, or guilt or whateverthey feel like they have to do
everything right every day, youknow, whether it's from, you
know, choosing the right toys,to reading the right books, to
(21:34):
feeding their child to, youknow, every little decision
needs, carries a lot of weight.
And so, when they make amistake, which we make, I make
1000s of mistakes all the time.
I mean, it's just the truth ofit, we can't walk through this
world without making mistakesall the time. So I think we also
(21:55):
need to be gentler withourselves, and forgive ourselves
too. So in addition to for, youknow, going to the kids and
saying, whoo, that was a doozy.
And boy, I really wish I hadkept it together for you, we
also need to let it goourselves. Because that
sometimes could be a reallydifficult thing to do as a
parent, and we hold on to it fordays and days. And it just grows
(22:17):
inside us. And we feel like ohmy god, I blew up at the kids.
And that was horrible. And, youknow, it eats away at us inside.
And it ruins or take some takesreally takes away from our
confidence as parents, but italso takes away from our day to
day interaction with our kids.
(22:40):
And, you know, there is no quickfix for for, you know, taking
away that sense of guilt or thatsense of being, you know,
overtaken by that. But I reallywant I love what you said Cinzia
when you said each day is a newbeginning. And I think if we
can, as parents wake up eachday, and realize that yesterday
(23:03):
is gone, our kids don't carrythe burden, the baggage, the
memories, they're not they lookat us each day, and they love
us. They're like, Oh, they'redone. So we need to give
ourselves that same grace andcome to each day with that same
(23:24):
excitement, and not carry thatburden.
Unknown (23:29):
And we can strive for it, right, we try to come to
each day, you know, the point isto try to strive for forgiving
yourself, you know, we all carrythe guilt, even if we, you know,
think about it and understandhow little of a mistake we might
have made, it still carries alot of guilt. Because we know
each day, how you know, we wewant to do the best for our
(23:51):
children. That's a naturalfeeling, we all feel it. But if
we can just try to, you know,lessen our guilt a bit. That is
a victory, I think, you know,with each day because it allows
us to start the next day over.
And it allows them to see, youknow what, you know, making a
mistake doesn't scar you for therest of your life. It doesn't
(24:11):
change you in any way you get tostart over the next day. And it
also allows them to forgive youin that they've already
forgotten that. So they willforgive you. And they won't even
remember it unless, you knowunless you make a big deal out
of it, I think. So I thinkthat's important. It's a very
important point.
Molly OShea (24:33):
Alright, so we're going to sum up today about you
know, things that you can do tohelp remember how to not lose
your shit when your kids aredriving you crazy. Number one is
kind of give them some time inor fill their tank before you
start your meeting or your timeaway from them so that they
have, you know, some sort ofsense that they can do it on
(24:54):
their own. Number two setexpectations. Give them a sense
of what you're We're going to bedoing that day or for that time
period, we gave you somestrategies for how to do that,
whether that's given them averbal set of things or a
written set of expectations forthe day. Number three, is to not
give a bribe, but to give ananticipated reward. So that when
(25:19):
you are starting off being awayfrom your kids, they can have an
idea of what they might earnwith good behavior. Number four,
be very consistent. Make surethat whatever it is that you're
doing, that you follow through,and make sure that you don't
undermine your parenting bybeing wishy washy or giving in
(25:40):
when you said you were going tohold somebody to something.
Number four, is make sure thatyou apologize when you do lose
your shit. And it was more ofabove and beyond just the the
normal thing. Kids need to knowthat you make mistakes, too. And
number five, forgive yourself.
You are not going to be theperfect parent. And that's just
fine. So you are perfect to yourchild. Yeah, absolutely. Your
(26:05):
kid thinks you are awesome. Andyou are awesome. So forgive
yourself. So ciencia where canfolks tune in to learn more
about us?
Unknown (26:18):
Well, you can check out our website, which is
www.parenting with the pros andcons.com.
Great, that's where ourcontent's going to live. I also
have a website which is Dr.
Molly at Dr. odo my email. Ihave a website. Right I have a
website, Dr. Molly OShea.comwhere I have blog posts and
(26:44):
parent coaching information aswell. And you can follow me on
Instagram at Dr. (doctor) MollyOShea. We've loved connecting
with you today. We hope you'lltune into our next episode of
parenting with the pros andcons. Thanks everybody. Take
care. Happy parenting.
Hi there, and welcome to parenting with the
pros and cons. I'm Dr. Molly.
And I'm Cinzia Filipovski. Andtoday we're going to be
discussing how to not lose yourshit when your kids are driving
you crazy. But before we begin,I want to tell you a little bit
about us. I'm Dr. Molly. I'm apediatrician. I've been in
(00:24):
practice for over 30 years, andI've raised four kids to
adulthood. It's been a realchallenge at times. And it's
been a great journey as well.
I've also been a journal editorfor the American Academy of
Pediatrics. And I've spoken bothnationally and at the local
level on all sorts of topics, alot of parenting ones.
Cinzia Filipovski (00:48):
I'm Cinzia Filipovski, I'm a certified
positive discipline educator, Iwork full time and own my own
businesses. And meanwhile, I'm amother of twin boys that have
just turned five years old. So Iam in the trenches of parenting
with the rest of you. And I'mjust here to hopefully provide
some, some ideas and gain somealong the way.
Molly OShea (01:10):
Sounds good.
Alright, so we hope through thispodcast, through all the
different topics that we talkedabout, to give you the pros and
cons of a variety of parentingstruggles, and approaches to
solving them. So let's dive inour first topic, which is how to
not lose your shit when yourkids are driving you crazy? Is
that how happen often have alldone it? That's so ciencia,
(01:34):
you've got a little scenariothat you, I'm sure experienced
yourself, and why don't you? Whydon't you paint the picture for
us.
Cinzia Filipovski (01:44):
So this year, as we've all i'm sure
experienced, those of us thatare working, we've had to do a
lot of meetings and other thingsfrom home, or working from home
a lot of times. So one bigscenario that can often cause us
to lose our shit is when we askour you know, ask the kids to
leave us alone or be quiet for acertain amount of time for us to
(02:08):
take that important call, or todo that important over the
internet project or whatever itmight be working in your office.
And they just don't leave youalone. It's just one more thing
or mommy mommy or they'reconstantly barging at the door,
or as my boys do, they they'restarting to fight to gain
attention. So they're kind oftrying to just get you to come
(02:30):
out the door, because they knowyou're in there. And that's the
way to get you out. So I knowI've experienced this this year,
and I'm sure other people havewe just, you know, you just are
at your wits and you're tryingto do so many different things
and the stresses of everythingthat's going on. And so get
y'all You know, I'm
Molly OShea (02:49):
sure you've been guilty of basically turning off
the camera, putting yourself onmute, opening that door and let
them have it. That's
Cinzia Filipovski (02:57):
absolutely, I've done a few of the put it on
mute and grit through my teethas well. I've done that a few
times, without even turning thecamera off. But, and there's
been other times depending onwho's on the call with with you
or someone else where I've said,Hold on, I need to go take care
of something and when right andRob, you know, knowing that I'm
(03:19):
about to lose it. So right, Ithink this is a this is
something that's very commonthis year. And it's something
that we've all been through. Andit's it's tough, it's just
tough. I think that, you know,the kids just want our
attention. And we are doing ourbest to juggle attention with
the kids work, and just, youknow, house, the home, taking
(03:41):
care of everything in themeanwhile, and there's no real
break. Because we're not everleaving. I know that during this
past year, there were stretchesof time where it was probably 48
hours before I left the houseor, you know, the very beginning
of this whole thing. There wasdays, it was a you know, long
time before we left our home. Soit really is, you know, aside
(04:02):
from running outside andscreaming, sometimes. I know I
felt like doing that. So herewe're here today to kind of try
to maybe talk through thescenario and give some ideas of
how to how to do it. How to howto help your kids give you that
time that you right need.
Molly OShea (04:20):
Right. I think that's that's so important
because the kids are frustratedtoo. I mean, it isn't just us as
adults who are frustrated bythis whole situation. The kids
are super frustrated. They aresick and tired of being told,
you know, Daddy's gotta take ameeting again, or mommy's got to
be at her computer all day todayagain, because it's, it's
(04:42):
challenging for them, they seeyou and they want to be with
you. They want you to you know,whatever it is whether it's go
outdoors or whether it's do acraft or whether it's, you know,
whatever they want to be withyou and
Cinzia Filipovski (04:55):
they want to be watched. They want us to
watch them play. I mean, rightsometimes that's all I just
watched I watched me,
Molly OShea (05:02):
you know, right.
And so to be constantlydiverted, you know, and being
told I can't do that right nowreally does grind their gears
too. So it's frustration on bothsides. And of course, as kids,
their natural inclination is tofirst try whatever the good
strategies are to get yourattention. Like they might color
a picture and say, oh, look whatI did, you know, in order to get
(05:24):
your attention. But when thatfails over and over, they begin
to turn to negative behaviors inorder to get your attention. And
so meeting after meeting aftermeeting, you know, when when
they really can't get yourundivided attention, and yet,
you're right there. It's, it'sreally, really tough. So Cinzia,
what what strategies Did youtry? I mean, when, besides the
(05:46):
yelling, actually does workoften in the short term, so
let's not in the short term,
Cinzia Filipovski (05:56):
it does, but I feel like they raise their
they raise their bar, so thatyou're, you're getting more and
more upside each time. So youdon't want that to happen. Well,
then one
Unknown (06:05):
of this doesn't work in the long run, you know, I feel
guilty, I feel guilt worse, Ifeel bad. It's not, it's not a
good strategy, because nobodyfeels good when it's done. No.
Cinzia Filipovski (06:17):
And the other strategy I don't want to do is
we're not a home that shoves ourkids in front of the TV all day
long. I know that some people dothat. And I understand that I
really do I understand that thatis a solution. We've chosen not
to do that in our home. And it'sdifficult because we do still
try to limit their TV. Sobecause that's not an option, we
(06:40):
have to get really kind ofcreative in what we have our
kids do. I know one of thethings that works for us is we
talked to them ahead of time, Italked to them ahead of time,
that, you know, let's say I havea meeting coming up at nine
o'clock, they're up in themorning, I make sure to try to
spend breakfast with them, talkto them, and let them know what
is happening in my work life,what's about to happen, and
(07:03):
mommy has a meeting coming upand it's, it's going to be a
little bit longer of a meetingor it's going to be a short one,
or mommy has two meetingscoming, I kind of give them a
breakdown of what's going tohappen so that they have an
idea. And meanwhile, I make surethat I'm spending that one on
one time for at least 10 or 15minutes. Because I do feel like
10-15 minutes kind of gives thema little bit of fuel in their
(07:26):
tank, if you will, to allow youto step away for an hour or so.
And I have found that thatstrategy helps, you know, to
give them the heads up, my kidsare five, like I mentioned. So
at that age, I feel like youknow four up, they really do
respond to understanding whatthe schedule is going to be.
(07:47):
They thrive in their ownschedule. So knowing what a
change in that schedule is goingto be, I think gives them some
sort of gives them some power.
And so they understand what'sabout to happen, it's not a
surprise.
Molly OShea (08:00):
So that's a great first step, you know, it's
called, I call it time in orfill your tank, you know, where
you give those kids who are thatage kind of three to seven, that
really intense attention beforeyou have to break away and spend
time apart, letting them directthe play or the engagement,
whatever it is that you're doingtogether. And that can be super
(08:23):
powerful, so that theyunderstand that you're going to
you want to be with them too.
And and your and yourcircumstances prevent it, but
that you value that timetogether and you give it to
them. For some older kids, youknow, who are used to being in
school and used to seeing kindof on the blackboard or on a you
have something in the classroomsort of the schedule for the
(08:44):
day, writing it out, can bereally useful for those kids.
And you can put the time of dayor you can put after breakfast
this or after lunch that and besure to put in not just your
meetings, or your schedulestuff, but put in the time that
you're going to be with them aswell. And so this will be
playtime with parents or youknow, Dad time with the kids so
(09:07):
that they can look forward to itcolor coded if you if you need
to, for kids who are earlyreaders and may not really know
exactly what different colorsmean. But they'll know the red
stuff is the matings and thegreen stuff is the good stuff.
So if you color code it they'llknow what to look for. And that
(09:29):
can be a really useful strategyso that they know they don't
have to wait that much longer.
If they see that lunch is comingup soon or, you know that kind
of thing. And that's a greatstrategy for slightly older kids
who are early readers or schoolaged kids who are used to that
sort of routine in theirclassrooms. So old again, of
(09:50):
course teenagers are happy tohave you gone for the day.
They're like check out you know,we're seeing your mom.
Cinzia Filipovski (09:57):
They don't care what you're doing or where
you're at back. There, there islike, love it when you're
working. Exactly. And I thinkthat, you know, that school aged
child, they're excited to kindof have a schedule, they're
excited to see it. So it's kindof a, it gives some purpose to
their day to So, you know,keeping a routine schedule in
(10:17):
their meal times are there otherthings that doesn't change helps
them adjust when these otherthings pop up, too. So I think
that that's important. And asDr. Molly pointed out, putting
it into a schedule is isabsolutely great, because you
can go over it with them everyday. And I let them know, Oh, go
ahead. Sorry. Okay. And the lastthing I was gonna say was, I let
(10:38):
them know what the fun thingsare going to be after mommy's
done, you know, after mommy'sdone, this is the cue that I'll
be done, you know, I'll tellthem either after lunch or
whatever it might be. And we'lldo a, b and c together. And that
kind of gives them something tolook forward to. And they're
excited about it. And it's anexceptionally long day, for me,
(11:00):
and they're kind of what I'llcall bored. Because there's not
much excitement going on intheir, their part of the world,
then I try to save somethingthat they really enjoy doing. So
that that is something that Ican, you know, kind of let them
know. And then they're excitedabout that. And I and I talked
to them, and let them know thatyou know what the expectation
(11:20):
for them is, while I'm doingwhat I need to do, so that way
they can, you know, they can dotheir job while I'm doing mine.
So I think that gives thempurpose.
Molly OShea (11:31):
That's great. I really like that chance. And so
kids, some parents fall into thetrap of, you know, once the bad
behavior begins, they start tobribe their kids and say, you
know, if you're quiet for therest of the meeting, you'll get
a reward of some type. And Ireally encourage parents, rather
than getting to the bribe stage,instead, do a reward ahead of
(11:55):
time. And anticipating thatmeeting, knowing that especially
you know, with kids of certainages, as you really just talked
about, say that, you know, it'sgonna be a long meeting, I know,
it's gonna be hard for both ofus. So if you can, let me have
this meeting, and, and you guyscan play independently during
this time, or be quiet orwhatever words you want to use,
(12:17):
but be really specific. Becausejust say play quietly is kind of
vague for kids. So if you cansay if you can use your indoor
voices, and you can play withyour toys in the living room,
and whatever be very specific,say, when we're done, you're
going to get an extra booktonight at bedtime, you know,
and I'm very, very specific. Andthen but you have to follow
(12:38):
through. So if the kids aren'table to who you know, do their
part of it, then when bedtimecomes, you'll need to say, ah,
boy, I'm really sorry that we'reonly gonna have two books
tonight, it could have beenthree. But tomorrow, I'm sure
you'll earn that third book, andI doing that you you, you know,
(12:58):
incentivize their behavior alittle bit. And instead of
bribing them once the badbehaviors began, because that
incentivizes the bad behavior,right? I can, whew, I'm gonna be
bad. And then once I change mybehavior, I'll get something
good for it, you can incentivizegood behavior, right from the
start.
Cinzia Filipovski (13:18):
And it is important to follow through and
you will get some arguing you'llget some pleading, you'll get
even some crying sometimes whenthey don't get what they thought
that they would be Stein whetheror not they fulfilled their part
of the deal. And that's kind ofhow I talked to them too. Well,
next time, I know. And I saythings that are in the positive
(13:39):
instead of the negative nexttime, I know you're going to be
able to do it. Now you know,what is expected. And I know
next time you're going to do it,and next time, you'll get the
three books, or to kind of tagon to that. The other thing that
I like to do is I like to givethem a choice. You know, after
this day, you know, if we do ifyou let mommy do her meeting all
day, and you play in the den,you can decide what we what we
(14:04):
do later, you can decide if wego outside and do this or you
weak if you want to stay insideand play a game or whatever it
might be the choices that you'regoing to provide. And I feel
like again, that gives thempower to make a decision. And so
if we can give them thosechoices, when they don't have
choice in you going to work inthe home. It allows them to feel
(14:29):
empowered. And so I do believethat once they feel that
empowerment, that confidencethat they have some power in the
day, they're going to cooperatewith you more. But at the end of
the day, like Dr. Mollymentioned, if they didn't do
their part of the bargain, thatyou have to stick with it and
you can't give in. Yeah, that'slike kind of true. He'll learn
(14:51):
there learn fast. You know, onetime, one day of not getting
what they thought they weregonna get. I bet you tomorrow
they're gonna do what they need.
need to do to get it and itworks every time. And the more
consistent you are, the morethat they know that you mean
business and they will do it thefirst time. But if they know
that they can convince you andplead with you, and cry until
you give in, then anything youask them to do is kind of a
(15:15):
wash, it's just not going tohappen. Because they modify me I
have heard phrases as a parentwas, Hey,
Molly OShea (15:22):
this is not a negotiation. So you know,
behavior happened, you know, youguys made your job earlier
today. So we're not this is nota negotiation now. And that I
think that you know, juststanding tall as a parent and
understanding that you've givenyour kids choices all day long,
and they make choices. Andthat's fine. We all make
(15:42):
choices. But the more we canstand firm, and let our kids
learn natural consequences ofthe choices they make all day
long, the more prepared they'regoing to be for real life,
because real life doesn't giveyou 1000s of Mulligan's and
second chances and ninth chancesat all, you know, whatever. So I
agree completely with you Cinziaon that. But let's shift gears a
(16:06):
little bit because, you know,sometimes doing are you what
we're talking about here is theperfect parent, the parent who
just Oh, yes, I'm going to doall these beautiful things, and
my kids are just going to reallyjust take it on and be the
perfect children. But you knowwhat, that's not what happens
how to life is. So sometimes,sometimes all those goes awry.
(16:30):
And we have a terrible day withour kids, and we still lose our
shed. So let's talk through howdo we how do we recover from
that? How do we, how do we go onfrom there? So you're you're
really in the trenches rightnow. So on that day, when,
despite all your good efforts,it's still a rough day. How do
(16:51):
you suffer from that?
Cinzia Filipovski (16:53):
Well, one of the things that I tried to do, I
think that I tried to thinkabout what was the cause of
losing my shit, like, truly, itwasn't really what my kid did.
It could be I mean, that cantrigger it, but that's a
trigger. So what's causing itand most of the time, it's my
stress level, my ability toreally see what the kids are
(17:14):
trying to do. You know, as wesaid earlier, oftentimes, it's
just all about attentionseeking, or for them to remain
in control. So you can see theirstrategies, you can see what
they're trying to do, whetherit's positive or negative. So if
we step back as parents and justsee that and understand it, we
really can't, we can understandthat our losing our shit,
(17:36):
really, it doesn't have much todo with them. It's really about
our stress. And so one of thethings that I think it's really
important for us as parents todo, especially during this time,
is to figure out what do weneed, even if it's just five or
10 minutes, at the end of thenight, whatever it is that you
enjoy, some people like to takea bath, some people want a glass
of wine, some people just wantto read a book, whatever it
(18:00):
might be, you know, I have, asof late, started watching some
Tik tok, you know, it just makesme laugh. So that's my, that's
my relief. So I like to laugh atpeople stick dots. And, and that
just gives me you know, even ifit's just for five or 10 minutes
at the end of the night, so it'sjust important to to refill our
(18:21):
own tanks. Because the next day,we have to do it all over again.
Molly OShea (18:26):
And so it's important to say to your kids,
you know what, I made a mistake,yelling at you over this was not
a good move. And you know what,I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You know
what, I should have been coolerheaded about this. And although
you were driving me crazy, and Ithink it's fair to just tell
(18:49):
your kids, you know, what, youwere driving me crazy. I really
should have been calmer aboutthis. And it was, you know, and
talk them through it, talk themthrough your feelings, role
model, that kind of behavior, sothat when they're feeling at
times overwhelmed, or stressedout or whatever, and they lose
their shit, which will happenway more often right now,
(19:11):
because they're still kids,they'll have a language for
talking through their ownemotional, overblown kind of
'mistakes' and, and they'llunderstand that when they do
make mistakes, that you're opento hearing that and won't be
(19:31):
judgmental. That it's okay,good.
Cinzia Filipovski (19:34):
It's Okay to lose your shit once in a while
we're humans from and I thinkthat that's the reality. And I
know that, you know, Dr. Mollyand I, we've talked about this
over the years, we've, you know,I grew up in a loud home, you
know, and for the other people Iknow Dr. Molly's home was
different. So when we're loud orwe're being upset, it was, you
(19:56):
know, normal in my world. Soother people might see that
differently I want my kids to beable to realize this is normal,
people aren't always mad, youcan be upset, you can yell, you
can be upset. And that's okay,we get over it. And we still
love each other, I remind themthat I love them. And that, you
know, even after I disciplinethem, or I yell at them, I
(20:20):
always just tell them, I lovethem and remind them of that,
because I do think that theyneed to hear that as well. And
know that sometimes, and I thinkapologizing is important in that
in when you know that you didsomething that you shouldn't
have done as far as yelling, ifyou really lost your shit, and
you really, you know, took it toanother level. Then once you're
(20:40):
calmed down, and you think aboutit, you can you can go over and
apologize for that. And just letthem know, as she says, Dr.
Molly's said, you know, justsay, I really didn't mean to do
that I lost it. And they canunderstand that that everybody
does it, even their parents doit. Wow. It's okay. You know,
it's okay. And we'll still beloved, we'll still be accepted.
(21:02):
And we'll still be Okay, thenext day. And as I like to say,
each, each day, a new new start.
Thank goodness, yeah, thankgoodness we get by over the next
day. Yeah,
Molly OShea (21:13):
And I know a lot of parents are, you know, walk
around with a lot of worry or,or a sense of, you know, kind of
burden or, or guilt or whateverthey feel like they have to do
everything right every day, youknow, whether it's from, you
know, choosing the right toys,to reading the right books, to
(21:34):
feeding their child to, youknow, every little decision
needs, carries a lot of weight.
And so, when they make amistake, which we make, I make
1000s of mistakes all the time.
I mean, it's just the truth ofit, we can't walk through this
world without making mistakesall the time. So I think we also
(21:55):
need to be gentler withourselves, and forgive ourselves
too. So in addition to for, youknow, going to the kids and
saying, whoo, that was a doozy.
And boy, I really wish I hadkept it together for you, we
also need to let it goourselves. Because that
sometimes could be a reallydifficult thing to do as a
parent, and we hold on to it fordays and days. And it just grows
(22:17):
inside us. And we feel like ohmy god, I blew up at the kids.
And that was horrible. And, youknow, it eats away at us inside.
And it ruins or take some takesreally takes away from our
confidence as parents, but italso takes away from our day to
day interaction with our kids.
(22:40):
And, you know, there is no quickfix for for, you know, taking
away that sense of guilt or thatsense of being, you know,
overtaken by that. But I reallywant I love what you said Cinzia
when you said each day is a newbeginning. And I think if we
can, as parents wake up eachday, and realize that yesterday
(23:03):
is gone, our kids don't carrythe burden, the baggage, the
memories, they're not they lookat us each day, and they love
us. They're like, Oh, they'redone. So we need to give
ourselves that same grace andcome to each day with that same
(23:24):
excitement, and not carry thatburden.
Unknown (23:29):
And we can strive for it, right, we try to come to
each day, you know, the point isto try to strive for forgiving
yourself, you know, we all carrythe guilt, even if we, you know,
think about it and understandhow little of a mistake we might
have made, it still carries alot of guilt. Because we know
each day, how you know, we wewant to do the best for our
(23:51):
children. That's a naturalfeeling, we all feel it. But if
we can just try to, you know,lessen our guilt a bit. That is
a victory, I think, you know,with each day because it allows
us to start the next day over.
And it allows them to see, youknow what, you know, making a
mistake doesn't scar you for therest of your life. It doesn't
(24:11):
change you in any way you get tostart over the next day. And it
also allows them to forgive youin that they've already
forgotten that. So they willforgive you. And they won't even
remember it unless, you knowunless you make a big deal out
of it, I think. So I thinkthat's important. It's a very
important point.
Molly OShea (24:33):
Alright, so we're going to sum up today about you
know, things that you can do tohelp remember how to not lose
your shit when your kids aredriving you crazy. Number one is
kind of give them some time inor fill their tank before you
start your meeting or your timeaway from them so that they
have, you know, some sort ofsense that they can do it on
(24:54):
their own. Number two setexpectations. Give them a sense
of what you're We're going to bedoing that day or for that time
period, we gave you somestrategies for how to do that,
whether that's given them averbal set of things or a
written set of expectations forthe day. Number three, is to not
give a bribe, but to give ananticipated reward. So that when
(25:19):
you are starting off being awayfrom your kids, they can have an
idea of what they might earnwith good behavior. Number four,
be very consistent. Make surethat whatever it is that you're
doing, that you follow through,and make sure that you don't
undermine your parenting bybeing wishy washy or giving in
(25:40):
when you said you were going tohold somebody to something.
Number four, is make sure thatyou apologize when you do lose
your shit. And it was more ofabove and beyond just the the
normal thing. Kids need to knowthat you make mistakes, too. And
number five, forgive yourself.
You are not going to be theperfect parent. And that's just
fine. So you are perfect to yourchild. Yeah, absolutely. Your
(26:05):
kid thinks you are awesome. Andyou are awesome. So forgive
yourself. So ciencia where canfolks tune in to learn more
about us?
Unknown (26:18):
Well, you can check out our website, which is
www.parenting with the pros andcons.com.
Great, that's where ourcontent's going to live. I also
have a website which is Dr.
Molly at Dr. odo my email. Ihave a website. Right I have a
website, Dr. Molly OShea.comwhere I have blog posts and
(26:44):
parent coaching information aswell. And you can follow me on
Instagram at Dr. (doctor) MollyOShea. We've loved connecting
with you today. We hope you'lltune into our next episode of
parenting with the pros andcons. Thanks everybody. Take
care. Happy parenting.
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