Episode Transcript
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Cinzia Filipovski (00:02):
Welcome to
parenting with the pros and
cons. I'm Cinzia Filipovski.
Molly OShea (00:06):
And I'm Dr. Molly
OShea.
Cinzia Filipovski (00:08):
And today
we'll be talking about self care
for the busy parent. But first,let's do some intros.
Molly OShea (00:16):
Hi there. I'm Dr.
Molly. I've been a pediatricianin private practice for almost
30 years. And I have fourchildren who are in their 20s.
Now, I've also been a longtimespeaker on the speaker circuit
talking locally and at thenational level about all things
parenting and some medicalstuff, too. I love talking with
parents about all the pros andcons of raising children.
Cinzia Filipovski (00:40):
And I'm
Cinzia Filipovski, I'm a full
time working mom of five yearold twin boys. I'm the executive
director of two medicalpractices. And I'm an owner of a
medical practice managementcompany. I'm a certified
positive parenting educator. Andas you can imagine, I am busy,
but I am balancing life and likeyou I am raising my family with
(01:02):
all of its pros and cons. Solet's dive in. So today we're
talking about self care for thebusy parent, I know that, you
know, having kids could be yourlifetime dream. You know, we all
dream about having a family andhaving these great children and
you just picture all this allthis, you know Happy Happy
(01:26):
pictures in your in your mindover the years. And then you
finally have your kids and youyou know our you love them with
all of your being you put all ofyour time and energy into them.
You do everything for them.
You're you know, you you runthem around to practices, you
run them around to school, youmake cookies, you're making
meals, you're doing everythingthat you're supposed to do as a
(01:49):
parent, and you are miserable.
Why are we still miserable? Whatwhat is it that we're missing? I
know that that is a problem thatwe're all feeling sometimes. So
that's what we want to talkabout today. You know, why do we
feel burnt out and miserable?DrMolly?
Molly OShea (02:09):
wow Cinz that
strong words. So I don't know
that every parent feelsmiserable. But we have miserable
moments. And I do thinkeverybody feels exhausted. I
think everything is very, verytired. And I do think real life
parenting is always different,just like real boyfriends are
(02:33):
different than our imaginaryboyfriends and real spouses are
different than our imaginaryspouses. Real parenting is
different than what we picturedit would be. It's not all like
happy to happy go lucky crafts,and like cooking cookies in the
kitchen. It's a lot of cryingand whining, and I don't want to
wear that and get your shoes onor I'm gonna just start yelling
(02:57):
at you. There's a lot of stuffthat goes along with raising
kids. And it takes a toll. Italso takes a toll because it's a
very one way relationship for avery long time. Parents have to
give and give and give. And whatyou get in return. You, you see
(03:21):
it, but it's not always trulygiven. Okay, so your child
smiles at you. And sure theygive you a hug here and there.
But it's not the same as afriend who is you know, giving
you compliments or shoring youup with words or, you know,
(03:44):
taking you out to lunch or youknow, or something that you give
yourself so that kind of supportis not a two way street when it
comes to your children. And as aresult as much as you love them.
It's an emotional one way streetin a lot of ways. And that's
(04:07):
part of what makes it soexhausting.
Cinzia Filipovski (04:10):
But nobody
can make you feel as good as as
your child on some days right?
They can just melt us to bitsand make it all worth it which
is why we do it. This is why Iwas
Molly OShea (04:19):
gonna say no one
would have a second child you
know, we're if it were allmiserable. Don't grants are
clearly the joy of all of ourlives in so many ways. But if
you really were to write it downon paper, and try to explain to
someone why they should havekids for the first several
years, it's really a losinglosing pro con list there and to
(04:44):
try to explain the emotionalvalue you get from it. It's very
difficult to put into words. Youfeel it. It exists, but it's
hard to to verbalize that.
Cinzia Filipovski (04:58):
Although
there's definitely some parents
some That they live to beneeded. So the idea that your
child needs you so much in thosefirst years of life is actually
the fulfillment that they'vebeen looking for. So I
Molly OShea (05:11):
wanted to talk
about that, because I do think
there are different parentingpersonalities, right, and you
brought up a good one. And sothere are some parents who feel
most comfortable and mostfulfilled when they are meeting
their child's needs as theprimary driving force of their
life. And those parents. So letme give an example of their
(05:35):
three different parentingpersonalities. There's the
parent whose child's needs arealways at the center of their
universe. There's the parent whoviews themselves and their
children as one part of manyparts of the universe. And
there's the parent who can putthemselves at the, at the center
of the universe still takingcare of everybody else. So let's
(05:56):
imagine a scenario. You're at awedding, you've brought your
child, and or you're at awedding, your child is crying,
the parent who has the child atthe focus of their life will be
desperately concerned abouttheir child, why is my child
crying? What do I need to do? DoI need to bring them a toy,
whatever, the person who'sconcerned about everybody else,
(06:19):
as their primary focus will belike, Oh, my gosh, I'm
disturbing everyone at thiswedding, I need to make sure I
get my child out into a cry roomor in the hallway or whatever,
they'll tend to their child,they'll make sure their child is
settled once they're out there,but they need to get the heck
out of there. And the most, theone who's more focused on their
(06:41):
own needs may say, you knowwhat, this is a wedding. And I'm
not sure a child has the right,this is the right place to bring
a child, I'm going to get ababysitter. And they'll be
comfortable getting a babysitterfor their child, and may not
bring the child at all. So thatgives you a sense of the
different types of parents, anddifferent types of parents are
(07:03):
going to be more comfortablemeeting their own needs. If that
makes sense.
Cinzia Filipovski (07:09):
It does make
sense. I think that, you know, I
think there's also some of us,obviously, our bits and pieces
of all
Molly OShea (07:18):
of the absolutely
yeah,
there are overlaps and happy,amazing different scenarios
bring out different parts ofpeople. But if you if you really
go to your core self, like whatis my core self you can find
yourself in one of those
Cinzia Filipovski (07:34):
Well, and I
think, you know, especially
depending on how you wereraised, what your background
was, I come from immigrantparents, and the focus was
entirely on everything for theirchildren. And so I think that
also our society is builtaround. If you do not do that,
put your children first at thecore of everything, then you're
(07:57):
not a good parent. And, youknow, I think that there's
definitely a balance between thetwo, because we can't put our
children in the center of ouruniverse at all times and expect
us to do well, you know, aswell, that's a
Molly OShea (08:11):
huge shift. Because
that shift was not that was not
the way of parenting even 2530years ago. Yes. Yeah. So and I
do think, what's, what'sinteresting is that all parents
need to be healthy. We've talkedabout this, I think in every
single podcast, we've done, thata healthy parent is the best
(08:32):
parent to raise their children.
And so how do we help parentswho are really focused on making
sure their children's needs aremet, and all of these parenting
types meet their children'sneeds, it's just that the parent
who's so focused on theirchildren's needs will not stop.
So if their child's asleep thatnight, they might be the one
(08:53):
going in and making sure they'rebreathing, for example, okay? So
the monitor, right? So whereasthe you know, whereas the parent
who is most comfortable will belike awesome, I'm going to sleep
now my kids sleep in I cansleep, you know, so how do we
help parents who are so childfocused, take that time.
Cinzia Filipovski (09:14):
So if we're
talking about that, we you know,
there's plenty of things to doand there's little things bigger
things. So that's what today'swhat we're here to talk about
today. One of the things thatyou can do as simple as just go
for a walk outside, get somefresh air, breathe in the fresh
air, the change of scenery, youknow, nature, if you can get you
(09:35):
know, closer to nature, takeyour child for the walk. If you
have to put your child in a inthe stroller and start walking.
I know that oftentimes that'sthe time when the child will
also be fascinated with what'sgoing on in the world. They'll
be so busy looking at everythingthat they'll finally give you a
moment to just brief and so youcan feel comfortable that your
(09:58):
child's comfortable and you cango for a walk. And I think that
helps us in so many ways. One,it definitely can help you clear
your mind. And physically, ithelps us. So if you're
physically helping yourself,then you're going to mentally
help yourself as well. So Ithink that's an important one.
Another one that I, you know, Idon't know, if you want to.
Another one that I think aboutis, you know, talking to your
(10:22):
partner, your co parent, whoeverit is that you have helping you
raise your child, and talk tothem and tell them what your
needs are. Maybe it's just at 30minutes, 60 minutes a week, that
you might need to just have amoment to yourself, so maybe
you'd like to take baths. Soevery Thursday night, at five
(10:44):
o'clock, you want to take abath. And so just make an
arrangement with someone to bethere for your children's needs,
while you go time to your ownneeds. And when it's five
o'clock on Thursdays, make surethat you are going to take your
bath, bring your glass of wine,your book, your candle, whatever
it is that you need to just giveyourself that moment and taking
(11:07):
that one hour will definitelyrefuel your, your inner fire,
for parenting for yourself. Andwe'll give you the energy that
you need to sustain anotherweek, if you can do it more
often great. But really juststart with a small stop. If it
seems like you can't do morethan that.
Unknown (11:26):
I love that. I also
like the idea of getting your
kids to the extent that they'reold enough, involved in some of
the household chores. So thatwhen they are busy doing other
things you are not spending allyour time just cleaning up after
the kids. And so when they'reactually busy doing something,
you can take time for yourselfand read a book, or look at a
(11:49):
magazine or scroll social media,if that's relaxing for you, or
listen to me, whatever it isthat you might find relaxing for
yourself, but you won't feellike, Okay, I've got 20 minutes
right now, if they're all busydoing something I have to blank,
whatever blank, do the dishes,fold the laundry, whatever it
(12:12):
is, because I really think busyparents should try to carve out
some time every day if they canfor themselves. And one of the
strategies that I think can workfor at home parents at least, is
to build in independent play inyour schedule for your kids. So
(12:33):
whether it's every day afterbreakfast, or every day after
lunch sometime every day, haveyour kids independently play and
at first, if they're not used toit, it'll take some practice for
you. And you will have to justlet them be. And they'll learn
how to play independently. Andwhile they're playing
independently, you can have sometime to yourself won't involve a
(12:55):
babysitter that way. you don'thave to, you know, doesn't incur
some new costs. But you have tocommit to yourself that for that
20 minutes, you won't clean thehouse, you won't do the dishes,
you won't you know, do thelaundry, whatever it is, but
you'll spend that time onsomething that is independent
play for you.
And it's it's good idea to startthat young, you know, when my
(13:20):
boys were toddlers just startingto walk and move around, we put
up one of those one of those gymfences in the center of the
living room. And that kept themcontained and safe. And
basically we put them in thereand we let them just be and you
know we did that. And thatstarted this idea of being able
(13:43):
to play on your own, as Dr.
Molly mentioned just a fewtimes. And now as they're older,
we call it alone time or quiettime. And you know, we tell them
okay, it's quiet time noweverybody Do you know something
on your own. So it's somethingthat they get used to. And I
think that that is important.
It's also important for thechild to be able to do something
independently, quietly and ontheir own. I think it's it's
(14:08):
it's a benefit for both bothsides there. I think something
else that you can definitely dois you know if this idea of
having 15-20 minutes, it alsostems around you know, trying to
have a set bedtime for yourchildren and getting them to bed
by that bedtime. I know thatthat has been a lifesaver in our
home. In with twins, we had tohave a very rigid schedule in
(14:31):
that way if we were going to beat all seen in our house when
they were babies and that'scarried on now. So when bedtime
comes they go to bed and thatgives us you know about half
hour to an hour before. We're soexhausted at the end of the day
that we sometimes just pass out.
But it just gives us my husbandand I time and it gives us time
(14:53):
alone whether we want to have aconversation that was not
appropriate to have in front ofthe Children or we just want to
be alone with each other. That'sthat allows that time for that.
So I think that's important too.
Molly OShea (15:08):
Yeah, I used to
actually I was a morning person,
so I would get up a half an hourbefore the kids. And, and that's
I still to this day, even thekids aren't even around anymore.
And I still get up early. And Ilike to do little puzzles, like
the crossword puzzle, or there'sa game called spelling bee in
the New York Times, I like to dothese little puzzles. And for
(15:30):
me, that is really relaxing. SoI like to start my day with
that. And then I do a littledevotional prayer reading, and I
like to start my day with that.
And then I feel like, okay, Ican do my day. So there are ways
to do it, you know, building itin early or building it in late.
But taking that time, for me atleast was really is very
(15:50):
important still, even long afterkids have left the house.
Unknown (15:56):
Another thing you can
do is, is sometimes call a
friend, I think sometimes whenwe're so wrapped up if your
children are young, youngeraged, that you were so wrapped
up in our everyday life, andespecially if you work and
you're it's work and then thekids the work and the kids and
you don't have the opportunityto talk to other adults or
(16:16):
friends that know you that youcan laugh with that make you
feel good. Even if it's for justa few minutes. I know this is
something that you know, isdifficult to do, and it in our
relationships change with ourfriends when as we have children
because of us. So it's a goodidea because of having children.
So it's a good idea that justmaybe 10-15 minutes, even if
(16:38):
it's just a week to check inwith one of your girlfriends or
guy friends that you're close toand that just they know you and
they can always just cheer youup and make you feel good. And
sometimes that's enough toenergize ourselves to make it
through another day. I thinkit's important.
(16:59):
will set their own boundaries,or know you and you will too.
But I know that at least my kidsare almost like phone phobic
(17:19):
now, I mean, only one of thekids really, can I just feel
freely I can call. But you cantext your friends too and say,
Hey, I'd love a phone call. Whenare you free? And you can you
can do it that way too.
And and I just think you know,you call in if they want to talk
they'll pick up the phone And ifnot, they won't answer. And I
(17:39):
just think that that'simportant. I think that, you
know, that's, that's anotherthing where we're moving away
from connections with otherpeople. And that's what we need
to I think start to pull back inon and try to get those
connections again. So, you know,I think that's important.
Something else I think that youyou know you can do is just
(18:00):
embrace who you are as a parent.
You know, if you're not a cook,or a baker, why are you trying
to make homemade cookies foryour kids to bring the school I
mean, it's just silly, right? Ikid, there's some great mixes in
the grocery stores, there'sgreat taking bakes, they taste
just as fine. Kids don't carepack, they're not only made
(18:21):
cookies. They're perfect. If youwant to feel like you've made it
though, I mean, you can just buyit and throw it on the piano and
they can help you with it. Andyou can even you know, join up.
But my point is stress out aboutall these things that really in
(18:42):
the end don't really matter somuch. You know, yes, they'll
remember you as the mom thatalways brought cookies, but
they're not going to knowwhether or not you made them you
know, it doesn't matter. And soI think that that's something
that we just have to let go of.
If you love making baking,cooking, as I do, I love to cook
(19:04):
so Oreos, come up with therecipe. So you know if it's
something you enjoy, then thatcan be an outlet. But if it's
not Then why are you trying todo that? It's just right.
Molly OShea (19:20):
I was totally not
crafty. I actually do cook, but
I was completely not crafty atall. Like don't give me a pipe
cleaner or a piece of scissorswith paper and asked me to do
anything with that get hisstuff. But yeah, so and I just
embraced it. That's who I was.
Teachers got actual cards fromthe card store and a gift card
to somewhere because there wasgonna be no homemade crafty
(19:44):
something or other No, none.
That's fine. It's fine, fine.
Whatever they get. Absolutely,absolutely. That was that.
Cinzia Filipovski (19:52):
Another thing
that I think we have to kind of
you know, we want to say is ifyou need help ask for help. I
think that's so important, Ithink that we are so, you know,
trained to kind of do things onour own or not admit when we
need help as if it's a failure,or it's a problem. But we all
need, we all need help, youknow, going back to get
(20:16):
connections with people and thatidea, we it really does take a
village to raise a child. Andwe've gone away from that in
today's society. And it's kindof sad, in my opinion, I think
that if we can come together asparents as, as family as
friends, and help each otherembrace that, maybe as a group
of friends, you can all decide,you know, what, we're going to
(20:37):
take turns on Friday nights tohave date nights, and we're
going to ship the kids around toeach other's houses, you know,
until until everybody has a turnand just keep rotating. That way
you don't feel guilty for makingyou know, someone else take care
of your kids, you're alsohelping them with their
children. You know, that's a wayor if you have family members,
(20:59):
the thing that gets me to ispeople will offer help, family
members will offer help, if youyou know about for watching your
children, if they offer, take,take advantage of it take
advantage of even just a couplehours to get out of the house,
go to the grocery store or themall. You know, God forbid, you
feel like a whole independentperson away from your family.
(21:22):
You know, go get a coffee andsit at the coffee shop. I know,
you know, in today's world whereyou know pandemic world, it's a
little different. But you can goto a park bench and sit down and
just take in the fresh air or gosit in your car in a parking
lot. I mean, that's all thatreally you just need time alone.
Sometimes I just need time wherenobody is calling my name, or
(21:45):
saying mom or anything you justwant quiet. And so if you can
ask for help, ask for help andreceive it and know that if if
if you take in that help, youwill reciprocate it you will
reciprocate it so there's noneed to feel guilty about
accepting my help.
Unknown (22:03):
Well help comes a lot
of forms think that's I think
ASCII your immediate communityis a great, great source of
support and and that should thatshould be happening, period, we
should be getting that sort ofhelp from one another and look
at it not even as asking forhelp but really just being each
other's friends and familymembers and, and all of that
(22:25):
that's, you know, I would Ireally appreciate the way
ciencia talked about it becauseit does I when I was when I was
a parent, it I didn't thinktwice about my brother coming
over being with the kids forwhile I was doing something that
you know, it was just that wasjust the the way things were and
(22:46):
and it made for a closerelationship. My kids love my
brother and it was it's a giftthat you know, they gave each
other to it was it's a very,very good thing. But I also
think help can come in a lot ofdifferent formats. I mean, you
know, if you're really in athere's there's some literature
beginning to emerge. Now afterthis Coronavirus thing about are
(23:09):
you really burnt out from workor you're burned out from
parenting because of the wholework from home scenario. And
there's so much stress. Andbecause the two are so
commingled, it's hard to tell.
And I think that trying todiscern that, you know, a lot of
people are making career shiftsand doing that thinking that
maybe that's where the stresslies, when in reality, I think
you know, working on yourparenting on the parenting side
(23:34):
could be helpful to try to shiftthe way you you interact in an
in a family system in order tocreate a more a lighter load at
home in a way that could bevaluable. So that's where
working with with a parentingcoach can be valuable talking to
(23:54):
your pediatrician could bevaluable working with family
therapist could be valuable.
There are a lot of strategies tojust sort of do to think about
it in those ways, too.
Cinzia Filipovski (24:06):
And I know
and we already I already said
this, but I think that that'swhere it's important just to
build your community, keep incontact with your community. I
think that that's why we aresometimes in the predicaments
we're in is because we have comeaway from this idea of family
and friends and community andthe village. And I think that if
(24:27):
you can create that, you know,it'll just set you it'll just
make you so much happier.
Another thing that I want tobring up that's important is
make sure you get enough sleep.
I know that if you don't getenough sleep, it can be just so
stressful. And your your yourstress levels up, your body is
(24:48):
stressed, you're stressed andyou're just cranky. And so if
you're cranky, and then you adda cranky child on top of it,
it's just not a goodcombination. So I think just
making sure That you get to bedregularly and get enough sleep
is so very important. It for somany reasons, you know, both
physically and mentally.
Molly OShea (25:10):
So yes, so So I
think in summary then for self
care. First of all, self caredoes not mean being selfish. And
I want to really just clarifythat self care means that you
understand that you can't fillyour children's tank and meet
their needs, unless your tank isfull itself. So self care can be
(25:34):
as simple as finding 10 minutesa day when your kids are in
quiet play, to sit down and dosomething you enjoy. Finding a
way to craft that into theschedule might make it even
easier. So self care can befinding a way to build in quiet
time or independent play intoyour child's schedule, having a
(25:56):
daily walk with your kidsoutdoors where the focus is on
quiet enjoyment of yoursurroundings, so that you really
can have some quiet time. QuietTime might mean adjusting your
family's your schedule so thatyou're up a little earlier, or
your kids are to bed at a reallypredictable time. So that you
(26:17):
definitely have that space andtime to have some quiet
enjoyment for yourself. Itdoesn't necessarily mean going
to a spa or getting your hairdone. But it might feel lucky.
Yeah, right, exactly. But itmight mean saying every Thursday
night at five, I'm going to takea bath with my wine and my
candle. And so you know whathoney, to your partner, you're
(26:41):
in charge of dinner and bednight, in order to build time
like that into your routine.
Self Care means bringing supportaround you in the form of family
and friends. It means reachingout if you need to, if that if
those kinds of supports aren'talready there, with their hands
out, you might need to call orask for help. If, if if you
(27:06):
don't live or have anybodynearby, it might mean building a
network of people through yourkids, the parents of your of the
kids in your school or otherways through your church. There
are lots of ways to find otherpeople that you can begin to
connect with. And if you if youneed other support, if you feel
(27:29):
like I am really at my at mywit's end and I don't know
exactly how to make thesechanges, then reaching out to a
parent coach, to yourpediatrician, to psychologist to
get some balance is a veryimportant strategy, especially
if your childhood had its ownbaggage attached to it that you
(27:50):
bring into your own parentingexperience. Because sometimes
that creates difficulty allowingyourself the space to take care
of yourself as an adult.
Anything else? ciencia
Cinzia Filipovski (28:06):
one last
thing I think, you know, if you
are someone that has been, I'llsay trained to think that any of
these things are selfish, that Iwant to give you permission to
be selfish. It's not beingselfish. But if it is being
selfish, you have permission. beselfish once in a while. It's
(28:26):
okay. It's important. So do it.
So thanks for listening to thisepisode of parenting with the
pros and cons. If you liked whatyou listened to, or if you have
any ideas or would like us tohit upon any other topics, you
can find us at parenting withthe pros and cons calm. You can
find Dr. Molly at Dr. Mollyoshea.com. And, you know, let us
(28:48):
know what you'd like to hear.
You know, tune in next time whenwe you know, talk about
something else that willhopefully you know give you the
permission to take care ofyourself and to you know parents
with the pros and cons.
Molly OShea (29:09):
Thanks everybody.
Talk to you soon.