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May 18, 2021 • 26 mins
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Cinzia Filipovski (00:01):
Hi, and welcome to parenting with the
pros and cons. I'm CinziaFilipovski. And I'm Dr. Molly
OShea. And today we'll bediscussing how to get your
teenagers to communicate. Butfirst, let's start with some
introductions. I'm CinziaFilipovski. And I'm a certified
positive discipline educator. Iam a full time working mom of

(00:22):
five to twin 5 year old boys.
And like you, I'm still justtrying to figure this out. So
together, I know we can. Solet's do it. Molly, and

Molly OShea (00:31):
I'm Dr. Molly. I'm a pediatrician, I've been in
practice for about 30 years, I'malso been an editor for the
American Academy of Pediatrics,I've raised four kids to
adulthood. And I've had to bewith teenagers a lot in the exam
room and at home. And we do havesome great strategies to talk

(00:51):
through today about how to getyour teenager to talk to you.
First, I'm going to talk througha little scenario. Any of you
who have teenagers, this isgoing to sound very familiar to
you. Your teenager comes homefrom school, and you say, hey,
great to see you How was yourday, and they say, Fine, and
then they go up to their roomand they close the door. And you

(01:14):
pretty much don't see them untildinner time. When they come out
for dinner. If they come out fordinner, you have dinner together
and you say, Tell me what wasthe best part of your day. And
they say nothing, or it was allboring. And that's about all you
get at dinnertime, you might askthem? What are your friends

(01:34):
doing? What are you and yourfriends doing this weekend? And
they'll say, Mom, we don't evenknow yet. It's only Thursday.
And then off, they go to theirroom again, and you don't see
them until the next day. It'sfrustrating. As a parent, we've
all been there. You want to knowwhat your kid is feeling? what
they're up to what they'rethinking. And yet, they have no

(01:58):
interest in sharing any of thatwith you. So what do you do? I
mean, how do you get your kidsto talk to you at this age, it
can be really, really tough. Iknow ciencia you've got a nephew
who you've had a pretty goodrelationship with. And you've
had some turbulent times. Yeah.
So turbulent and sad. Yeah. Talka little bit about that. And

(02:23):
then we'll get into some, whatstrategies have you found that
have helped you get him to dowell I

Cinzia Filipovski (02:29):
can, I can just really relate with the
frustration, you know, it's sofrustrating when you are trying
your best to just, you know, bein a cheery mood, first of all,
teenagers are cranky. And sothat's really frustrating and
hard to deal with. And just, youknow, trying to be in a good
mood and do positive things. Andin my situation, I don't live

(02:50):
with the teenager, but theteenager sometimes comes and
stays with us at in our home.
And they they to me are liketoddlers and a lot of ways they
still act out, they still wantthe attention. And I think they
just don't know how tocommunicate that to you as the
adult. So I'm still workingthrough this still, you know, in

(03:11):
those prime teenage years, stillgot a lot of I don't know as as
answers. But what I have foundto really work for me has been
just stop and listen, and try tonot give much as far as advice,
if you will. I just try tolisten, listen, listen. And it's

(03:34):
really hard because I have hadsome moments of reacting. And
it's it hasn't been pretty. I'lladmit that and it's taken some
time and effort to move pastthat. So I know Dr. Molly,
you've got a lot of advice togive us on this what what do you
think is good advice for parentsin these situations?

Molly OShea (03:57):
Well, I think first parents need to remember that
teenagers are supposed to beseparating from you. And and
that's the key part of the jobof adolescence. Teenagers are
supposed to be becomingindividuals separating from the
family. And that's the primaryjob of adolescence. In order to

(04:21):
do that they need to separate inwhole all kinds of ways. They
need to separate emotionally,they need to separate in their
ideation like the way they thinkand, and though and as a result,
like if you are politically onone end of the spectrum, your
teenager may experiment and bepolitically at the other end of
the spectrum. religiously thesame kinds of things you can see

(04:43):
happening because kids need totry to figure out who they are
and who they are, is often, atfirst at least an experiment in
the opposite or a very differentreflection on who the family is
becoming Kids are trying tofigure out who they are. So
separating from the family sincethat is or separating from

(05:06):
parents is the biggest job ofadolescence, it's very hard then
for kids, because they've gotthis push pull, they know they
need their parents, they knowthey need their parents support,
they know they want theirparents love. And yet they need
to find their own way in theworld. So that push pull creates

(05:27):
conflict within them. And thatconflict within them out pours
out into conflict within thatrelationship. So sometimes the
teenager becomes quiet, becausethey don't want that conflict to
spill over into therelationship. So a quiet

(05:48):
teenager is often a teenagerwho's trying to avoid conflict
in that relationship. So one wayparents can try to bridge that
relationship is to, like Cinzia,beautifully said is listen. So

(06:08):
as you begin to see your, yourteenager, trying on new, new
aspects of themselves, whetherit's in the way they dress, or
in the way they kind of swagger,or in the way they wear their
hair, it's important to becareful in the way you talk

(06:30):
about those things. And talkabout it from a point of
curiosity as opposed to from afrom a point of judgment. And
that's challenging as a parent.
And here's how it can soundright. So you can say what's
going on with your hair? Or youcan say, Wow, your hair looks

(06:53):
really cool. What are you doingdifferently? And those two
statements really send a verydifferent set of messages to
your child, one invitesconversation, and the other
shuts it down. So as parents, Ithink it's going to be important

(07:13):
to be careful about how we saythings I remember this time my
my oldest child came home, theywere they were maybe 18 or 19.
At the time, they came home onMother's Day with a nose ring.
Yes, folks, a nose ring, youknow, the kind that goes like in
the septum of your nose, themiddle part? And I was

(07:36):
flabbergasted. It was just I'mthinking it's Mother's Day, for
God's sake, could you havepicked any other day to do this?
And yet, I just said, Wow, thatis really interesting. What does
it feel like? How do you blowyour nose? You know, I
approached it from a point ofcuriosity. And it's made it

(07:59):
makes all the difference. Sothat's one tool in the toolkit
is to approach your yourteenagers way of trying out new
things with curiosity, notjudgment, and you will open up
lines of communication.

Cinzia Filipovski (08:22):
So how do we still how do we still get
teenagers to do things? Youknow, we want let's talk about
that a bit. I know we want toget them to communicate, we want
to be able to have them open upand Dr. Molly has given us some
great points of being nonjudgmental. I agree with that.
That's so hard. I have failed atthat myself. It's it's hard to

(08:44):
reel back words. But we can juststart over again. That's that's
my, my biggest thing is we youknow, the next day or the next
time is a new a new time. Buthow do we get teenagers to do
things that we need them to do?
So, you know, a nose ring, asDr. Molly pointed out, we can we
can smile and hope to god thatthey might change their mind

(09:07):
with that nose ring. But what ifit's just household things?
They're a pig, you know, they'rea pig in their room and you want
them to clean it up? You know,what are some things we can do
with that? You know, somethingthat I know works. And you know,
Dr. Molly will definitely giveus some more ideas. I think that
keeping it short and sweet isreally another way to work with

(09:30):
teenagers. Don't lecture don'tgive long explanations and big
conversations, just one or twowords works. Dish sink. I know
I've said that a lot of timesand it gets the point across and
they walk back get their dish itmight be begrudgingly but
they'll do it and then they'llwalk back to the sink. And

(09:52):
sometimes I feel like that's avictory that we just have to
take. Dr. Molly anything yeah.

Unknown (10:00):
I think that for teenagers especially, I think
there is a difference betweenpublic areas of the house and
their private space. Teenagersare really protective of their
private space. And I think asparents, they're one way to, to
pick your battles, you know, aswe all have to do is to allow

(10:24):
the, their private space to betheirs. And I would discourage
parents from invading theirteenagers private space, and
demanding things in that space.
In public spaces of the house,it's different. And I do think
that, you know, just being kindof disrespectful of the whole
family's, space is a differentstory. And I agree that

(10:47):
consistency is super important,and making sure that your
teenager understands andremembers the rules all along,
you know, and as long as you'vehad those things in place all
along, you will be more apt toget compliance with them. And
then if you just sort ofInstitute them at those teenage

(11:11):
years, I think that I would, Iwould encourage parents to, uh,
by the time kids are in EarlyMiddle School, they should be
responsible for their ownlaundry, so that you are no
longer having battles over theclothes on the floor, or the
dirty laundry or whatever. Andthat way, when they run out of

(11:31):
clothes, they'll do theirlaundry. And if they're on the
floor, or they're wrinkled,whatever, it's up to them, you
are out of the equation, you canjust shut the door, you don't
have to think about it, it's noton your radar, they have to be
they're also in charge of theirbedsheets, their bed, clothing,
all of that. And that way, youdon't have to necessarily, it
may, it may grind your gears,but it doesn't necessarily have

(11:52):
to fall on your plate to beresponsible for. Because I think
what happens is parents ofteenagers invite conflict by
having all of these thingsremain on the list of things to
micromanage. And teenagers lookfor opportunities to create

(12:14):
reasons to push parents away. Sowhen teenagers are pushing their
parents away, it's in partbecause needs aren't being met
in that relationship, whateverthose needs are on the teenager
side. And so when parents seetheir kids being very angry at
them all the time, and in youknow, inviting that kind of

(12:36):
verbal conflict, defiant wordsor disrespectful disrespectful
words, it is in part becausethough that teen doesn't feel
they're being heard. There, theyaren't being heard. And so the
only way they feel they can beheard, is to do so with
defiance, to do so withdisrespect. And that should be

(12:58):
eye opening for parents. Youknow, if that's the way your
teenagers communicating withyou, it's time to think, Wow,
how can I listen to my childdifferently, and invite
conversation. If your teenagercomes to you late at night, and
wants to talk, do not turn thatchild away. Don't say you know

(13:22):
what, I'm really tired. I can'thave this conversation right
now. You just have that cup ofcoffee. And you listen. Because
I think teenagers want to talkat odd hours because
that's they might be the carride, it might be a little
places. But whatever it is, youhave to take advantage of that.
I want to revisit the theprivate and public spaces in the

(13:45):
home. I completely agree withwhat Dr. Molly saying. But I do
differ a little bit in, I dothink that we should be setting
standards for what we want inour home. But you need to start
those earlier on in life. So ifyou've been a home that has been
just really relaxed about how,let's say housekeeping has been

(14:08):
done, then you can't expect a 16year old to suddenly keep their
room tidy. It's just not goingto happen. But if you start
earlier in life, I do think thatyou can set an expectation. And
I do agree with giving teenagersprivacy, because I think that
that is a huge thing thatteenagers need is privacy. We
have to remember what we werelike as teenagers, we have to

(14:30):
remember that our parents didn'tunderstand anything. They just
didn't understand regardless ofwhat you know, what might have
been the reality. And so they doneed some time. I think they
need that time to figure thingsout. They need that time to talk
to their friends. They need thattime to think they need that
time to just try to figurethings out. But I do think that,

(14:50):
you know if we start thosethings earlier in life, you
know, making beds or not makingbeds or picking your clothes up
off the ground or Not havingfood in your room or whatever it
might be, if you set a few rulesthroughout their lives, then I
think that it is notunreasonable to still expect
that as teenagers. But as Dr.
Molly pointed out, if you'rehaving a, like just a blowout

(15:13):
fight over something, then it istime for you to stop back. And
that's actually what personallyhappened to me with this said
teenager, relative of mine thatI adore and love. But we had a
full blowout and it took me aminute in it stunned me and it
made me stop in my tracks. Andrealize, I can't have this

(15:35):
discussion right now with withhim, because I'm just making it
worse. So and I think that it'sgreat, right, and I think that's
a great tool in the toolkit tois you is to take a moment away.
So if you feel like, you know, asituation is getting out of hand
emotionally, for yourself, oryour teen, it is perfectly okay

(16:00):
to say you know what, I need abreak. I'm going to come back in
10 minutes, and we're going totalk again, but I do think it's
very important to give that kida timeframe, whether it's 10
minutes or a half hour ortomorrow or whenever, so that
they don't feel like they'rebeing just set aside. And, but I

(16:21):
think it is a great idea whenyou feel like I am no longer in
control of my own feelings right

Molly OShea (16:31):
now. I am just sort of blowing my stack that I need
a Timeout. Timeout. That'sright. I think it's first of
all, it's great role modeling.
And second of all, you know, you

Unknown (16:43):
can come back and say, Wow, I'm sorry, I got a little
bit off the rails there. And Iwant to come back and revisit
this because I love you. And Iwant to have a relationship with
you. So I do want to talk aboutother ways parents can open
conversations with their kids,so doesn't always get to a point

(17:04):
where you're, you know, off therails are having this, you know,
intense conflict. Sometimes it'sa very passive relationship,
right? It's just the kids kindof grunting and you know, giving
those one word answers andright, you know, how do you get
that kid to, to open up to you.
And I think that can be very,very challenging. And for some,
sometimes humor is a great wayto to break the ice with kids.

(17:29):
So whether it's doing somethinggoofy together, wet, like, you
know, some goofy Tik Tok dance,and then they'll say, You are so
crazy, what are you doing, youare not even on Tik tok, you k
ow, or something like that. Or wether it's watching something t
gether, if you can get your kd to watch something together w

(17:51):
th you that's funny or hmorous, that can break down b
rriers, create connection and wys that then can open up c
nversation,

Cinzia Filipovski (18:02):
as well share an experience I think is very
important to share this, becauseI think that if you're honest,
and you're opening up, they'llsee that and that'll probe them
to become more open and honestwith you. So I think that that's
that's something as well,

Unknown (18:20):
one share your mistakes. Yeah, you know, I
think they're also super, likeafraid to share their their
mishaps. And so, I mean, Lordknows, I made a ton of mistakes
when I was a teenager and youngadult and so sharing those to
your kids. Yeah, well, that's agood thing for me to do. So

(18:40):
sharing those with your kid, youknow, and say, Oh, you will not
believe the funny story I haveto tell you about my junior year
in high school, something likethat can be a way to also give
them a more realistic idea ofyou. But also a realistic idea
of the fact that you areapproachable to share some of

(19:02):
these thingsthe other thing that I think is
important to point out too, ifyou do have those moments, or
when you have those moments whenyour teenager suddenly starts
opening up or talking andwhatever time of day or night
that might be just listen, anddon't offer advice. And that's
difficult. It's God knows that'sbeen something that I've had to
really learn. And I still try tolearn it every day. Don't give

(19:23):
advice. And if there's listenand then ask, you know, is there
anything else you want to add tothat? Is there anything else you
want to say? ask permission togive advice. Would you like to
know what I think? Would youlike to know what I might
recommend or anything in thoseways? Because sometimes they
don't want to hear anything.

(19:44):
Sometimes we don't we just wantto vent, and that's what they're
doing. But if they're willingand sometimes they will, you
know, be they are opening up andsometimes they do want advice.
So then they'll say okay, andthey might say it in a way
that's begrudging in a Negative,you know, negative, verbal, you
know, words, they're saying in anegative way, but they really

(20:07):
are looking for some advicemaybe at the end, but you want
to make sure and hear them out.
Because sometimes what they'vestarted off telling you might
really not have anything to dowith what they end up really
wanting to talk about. So Ithink that that's important.
They're kind of testing us. Backto that they're like toddlers,
because they're testing usagain, to see Can I trust them
to hear me out and listen to meand be open?

(20:29):
I love that. Yeah, I can't, Ican't, I think that that is one
of the most important take homemessages of this, of this
session, is that when your teentalks to you, shut up, shut up,
and let them talk, please,please, please don't offer
strategies, don't offersolutions. don't offer advice.

(20:53):
Just listen, the more you can bejust lips tight and ears open,
the more they will talk to you.
And the more as Cinzia said, themore you ask permission, before
giving strategies, solutions oradvice, the better. Because just
like when you're talking to yourspouse, and you're just venting,

(21:15):
and they start giving you, youknow, advice, and you're like

Cinzia Filipovski (21:21):
unwanted advice, I do not want that. I
just want it because you don'tknow what you're talking about
where they are, you don't

Unknown (21:28):
call your girlfriend, because your girlfriend will
listen to you, you know, thesame way your teenager is
looking for a sounding board.
We have to trust they knowthemselves and their life.
They're the expert on whathappened in their little in
their world. And so we need tokind of hear that out.

Molly OShea (21:50):
So yeah, and by doing that, they also begin to
understand that we do trustthem. You know, and, and by, you
know, also as they talk throughit, saying things like, wow,
that really took courage, orthat, you know, that sounds like
it was a really tough situationreflecting back on without

(22:12):
judgment or without, I mean, inthe sense of not giving advice,
but just reflecting back on thatexperience. And saying things
that reinforce their strengththat reinforce their decision
making reinforce their emotionalresilience, I think will
encourage them to continue tocome to you with their concerns

(22:35):
or their feelings in the longrun.

Unknown (22:37):
And don't forget to always end with I love you, and
I accept you or I accept youknow, whatever your words are to
your child to show them that youaccept them no matter what. And
I think that in the end, that'sreally all they want from us.
And that's what will open themup more. So I think that's
important. Because, you know,teenagers are afraid to let us

(23:00):
in because they think that we'regoing to judge or that they're
not living up to what we wantthem to be. So when they can
feel confident in that they willbegin to open up more. Yeah, so
so so summarize. Yeah. Sosumming up. Yes. One would be

(23:21):
use little words. And allow yourteenager to communicate to you
know, whenever they want to openup, whether it's day or night,
and don't turn them away. Allowthat communication to happen,
whether it's in the car or inyour bedroom at midnight, the
night before you have to wake upat five in the morning. It's

(23:42):
important, they've come to youlet them talk. Don't judge.
Don't give advice without askingfor permission to give advice.
And also, you know, again, justreiterate love and affection to
your child. And if you're havingdifficulties with your child

(24:02):
communicating, have some funwith your teenager, allow them
opportunities just to be ateenager and have fun with their
parents. If you are havinghaving difficulties in them
listening to you use again,little words, we need to be
quiet and let allow them totalk. And the other tools Dr.

(24:23):
Molly that you want to add tothat as a summary. I think you
summed it up pretty well got it.
Yeah, I think we got it justlike that. We've got it figured
out. No, the only real practice,right? Yes, that's right. We
have to actually do it so we canmake it sound easy, but it is
tough. And just know that you'renot alone. And every parent

(24:43):
experiences this and in the end,you're going to have a great
adults that you have helpedbecome, you know, positively in
the world. You're molding them.
Your help. Then become the adultthat will do great things in the
world. So that's, that's all forour session today. So Dr. Molly,

(25:09):
tell everyone how they can getahold of you. Yeah, so
you can reach me You can eitherfollow me on Instagram at dr. D
o c t o rMolly OShea. Or you cn find me on my website, which i
Dr. Molly OShea.com, and I'mon Facebook as well
as you can find us at parentingwith the pros and cons.com.

(25:37):
Thank you for joining us today.
And if you can let us know anyother topics that you'd be
interested in hearing about orthat any comments or suggestions
that you have, we'd love to hearthem. Great.
Thanks for listening to thissession of parenting with the
pros and cons. Talk to you nexttime. I'm Dr. Molly

Cinzia Filipovski (25:57):
and I'm Cin ia Filipovski take ca
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