The Serial Killer's Wife

This podcast episode delves into the multifaceted experiences of parenting amidst the challenges posed by snow days and unexpected weather disruptions. We explore the nuances of managing children’s activities while navigating the complexities of adult responsibilities, including the emotional weight borne by parents during such events. The discussion encompasses not only humorous anecdotes regarding weather-related cancellations but also the genuine sentiment surrounding family dynamics and interactions during trying times. Furthermore, we reflect on the importance of community and support systems, emphasizing the value of shared experiences among parents. As we traverse through these themes, we aim to provide listeners with both relatable stories and meaningful insights into the often chaotic yet rewarding journey of parenthood.

Links referenced in this episode:

• sandpipervacations.com
• www.nonewfriendspodcast.com

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Disney vacations, allinclusive resorts, cruises and family
trips to Idaho.
Travel to your favorite placeand have a celebration.
Sandpiper Vacations.
Broadcasting from theSandpiper Vacation studio.
Welcome to Parents Night outwith no New Friends.

(00:23):
The comedy break every parent deserves.
This is the podcast whereparenting meets pure unfiltered fun.
Real raw hilarity.
It's your night out withoutthe kids.
Where nothing is off limitsand we say what everybody else is
thinking.

(00:43):
Whether you're a parent orjust need a good laugh.
We've got the adult humor you crave.
So kick back, relax and getready to let loose with us.
This is Parents Night out withno New Friends.
That's right.
You're listening to the no NewFriends Friends podcast.

(01:04):
Voted number.
Wait a second, wait a second.
What a great start this is.
It's been a while since got the.
All right, all right.
Here's one.
Welcome to episode 14 of theDiz his podcast.
Oh, I'm sorry.
No, not that one either.
So I'm just gonna wing it here.
I'm just gonna wing it.
Welcome to Parents Night out,the podcast where we, the parents

(01:25):
and Darren get a well deservedbreak from the chaos that we call
adulthood.
If you'd like to connect withus, please do so by following us
on all of our socials that we posted.
Right down there in the description.
I'm point down like you'reseeing something.
We're on YouTube right now.
We won't be on YouTube.
When you're listening to thison Apple podcast, just go to the
description.
I'm proud of you.
You can do it.
I'm your host this evening.
Morning, afternoon.
Whatever time you might belistening to this.

(01:46):
I go by the name Chris, butyou could just call me better than
Scott.
Alongside me and virtual Suniare some of my favorite people in
God's creator.
First we have our emotional support.
Gay Nick.
I get to go first.
Wow, you put the gay first.
Yay for dei.
The hospitality hero.
Sarah.

(02:06):
Oh wow.
I don't know how I feel aboutthat one yet either, but.
Hi guys.
It's better than whateverScott's come up with.
Chat GPT gave me that one.
The Wiseman Darren.comacknowledge me and reintroducing
our friend, the wife of thezodiac killer of the Smoky Mountain.
It's Miranda.
What's up Chat?

(02:27):
GPT did not come up with that one.
Oh my God.
It was like I got flagged whenI started to typing traits for that
one.
Anyway, I do want to startthis podcast, this episode off by
by saying it is with a heavyheart that I do have to inform that
Scott is not with us.
I had to include the wordsheavy because Scott is morbidly obese.
Now, he's still alive.
We just miss him dearly.

(02:48):
He's on a trip to Mexico, actually.
Is it a coincidence that heleft the country as soon as the FBI
director promised to releasethe epine files?
I don't know.
Probably not.
Without Scott hosting thisweek, that means you are stuck with
me.
But it also means that thereare no Cliff Notes.
So tonight.
So I figured I'd start off theshow with a monologue instead, which
actually started 45 seconds ago.

(03:08):
Now we have a new president.
Now, it's been about a monthand a lot has changed in this country.
Now, one of the biggest thingswas getting rid of dei.
Diversity, equity, inclusion.
Sounds like a great thing toget rid of.
A lot of people think that's abad thing, but I actually beg to
differ because we were able tofire Scott since we didn't have to
retain any high calorie humans anymore.
Now, I did say the term highcalorie human, which is the politically

(03:31):
correct way of saying someonewho's overweight.
Now, while DEI is on, wearen't allowed to be throwing around
offensive and racial slurs,which is another reason why we had
to let Scott go.
I've been talking to Scott alot on his vacation and it told me
two things.
One, I'm very flattered to bea close friend that he calls during
his vacations, and two, if hehas a time to call me, it probably

(03:52):
means he's not having a lot ofsex with his wife, you know, which
is fine because with theamount of alcohol consumption that
he's had, nine months fromnow, we'd probably have another Darren
situation.
He had an all inclusive resortin Mexico, so that means all you
can drink.
Now, the one thing hecomplained about is all of his drinks
that he had were room temperature.
Now, when he asked managementabout this, he said, they said there

(04:15):
is absolutely no ice on premises.
I let that sink in.
Scott was worried about beingable to return to Mexico because
of all the deportations out ofthe United States.
Now I was just worried abouthis flight with all these plane crashes
now I told him not to evenworry about texting us.
I was just going to watch cnn.
I, I swear they have a tickerat the bottom of the screen with

(04:37):
just plane crashes.
Now, ever since the new year,Trump claimed that we would win so
much that we would get tiredof winning.
Now, President Trump, if youWant to beat George Bush's plane
accident record.
I think I'm tired of all the winning.
But anyway, that's all fromme, guys.
How are you guys doing tonight?
Wow.

(04:58):
I don't know what's after that.
I was gonna say I got nothing.
I got.
And that is my monologue.
In all seriousness, I actuallyhave no idea where I was going with
that.
Anyway, Scott's not here withus tonight.
I am.
Darren's here, Miranda's here,Sarah's here, Nick's here.
Try to come up with a newnickname for Sarah.
Didn't stick.
Blame Chat GPT.
It's actually Grok.
It was Elon Musk's AI.

(05:18):
So just another reason to beupset with him right now.
Just add it.
Just add it to the list.
He doesn't like my people.
Okay.
Of course it's gonna.
My heart goes out to you.
Yeah.
Anyway, without Scott beinghere, it puts, like.
I don't even want to say astrain on the podcast because it
really doesn't.

(05:39):
You get the absence of heavybreathing, which is kind of nice
for listeners, kind of nicefor Alex, who edits the podcast.
Oh, and also along with ustonight is our producer, Alex.
He says.
I was wondering if you'regonna totally forget all about me,
Chris.
I'm a little offended.

(05:59):
I thought to have a night offuntil you told me Darren and Miranda
was gonna be on tonight.
Gotta keep a vigilant eye on those.
Mic bumps and desk hits.
But anyway, Alex is gonna geta little bit easier of a job because
he doesn't have to edit outall the heavy breathing.
The one person on this podcastthat has the biggest burden this
week is no other than the wiseman Darren.

(06:21):
Because with Scott leaving thehousehold, not that he's much of
a father to begin with, butDarren, you have to fill the shoes
of not just Scott, but also Rachel.
And you are the parent in thehousehold, correct?
Correct.
I am the one and only parentto my 12 year old sister.
Yeah, 12.
You know how old she is.

(06:41):
Correct?
No, my parents had to leaveme, like, strict instructions.
Make sure I feed her twice aday, put it in the food bowl, make
sure I let her out at leastthree times a day.
Oh, that was for the dog.
Yeah.
Sounds more for the dog.
Yeah.
Probably left you a more detailed.
I have.
I have actually checked.

(07:03):
Yeah, she.
She's all right.
She's all right.
In all seriousness, I've onlyhad a parent for like a day, and
it was the most stressful daythat I have ever had because she
immediately was like, oh, okay.
I'm gonna go to my mom's forthe weekend.
I was like, ah, beautiful.
Gone.
Now you see why you sound likeChris when.
Whenever Emily's home now.

(07:25):
Now it's like, dad, Iunderstand why you were gone for
all this.
I get it.
I.
I get why my dad was anabsentee father, but it's so stressful.
Like, I have to make sure thatshe's getting up in the morning.
I have to make sure she'sgoing to school.
I have to make sure because she's.
She's on phone restrictionsright now because she's.

(07:45):
Her grades aren't the best,but I lifted them slightly while
my parents are.
Going to cut that.
Do you want to cut that?
Yeah, Alex got that.
But I let her have, like, herphone just a little bit more while.
Just because, hey, I'm by myself.
There's not always an adulthere or, like, another adult here.
So she needs to have her phonea little bit more.
So I'm having to, like, checkher grades daily.

(08:06):
It's just so stressful feeding her.
Oh, she's so picky.
She like her vegetarian stage?
Yeah, no, she's actuallyreally, like, in all seriousness,
Abby is probably the easiest,like, kid to take care of from what
I understand about kids.
Just, hey, your school work done.

(08:26):
Cool, Great.
What do you want for dinner?
And then nine times out of 10,she's like, oh, my friend got me
food on the way home becauseshe's going to rehearsal right now.
Oh, so not.
Not too, too bad.
I mean, you're parenting asmuch as your dad, so.
Yeah, correct.
I did.
I did buy fat suit, too, soshe didn't feel like my dad was gone.
I did notice you shaved yourhead fully.

(08:46):
That was your ded to the rock.
We're in the crocs and lounge flies.
And did you walk around, youtake her to school with little selfie
sticks?
Yeah.
Correct.
She was, like, telling meabout her day, and I was like, oh,
that's great.
I'm going live.
Yeah.
Darren sent me a picture from the.
The park in the neighborhood today.
Oh, that's nice.
You.
You.
You think Abby there?

(09:07):
No, I'm just by myself.
Wow, you're learning quickly.
Very quickly.
All the dogs have just beensleeping in the bed with me as well.
They're supposed to be, like,in crates or, like, downstairs.
I was like, no, you can justsleep in the bed.
You are your father's son.
I am.
I am.
I try.
Don't try too hard now.
So that.
That now we weren't Going totalk about this, but have any of

(09:31):
you been in a situation whereyou had to take care of a child that
was not yours?
That like you had someone forthe weekend or even for an afternoon?
Because I have a story that Ihad my niece or not even.
I don't know why I said my niece.
I don't even have a niece.
It was my cousin, but she wasa baby for the afternoon and it was

(09:51):
a very life changing experience.
But have you ever been in asituation where you've had to do
that?
I almost forgot about thisbecause this was like a long time
ago.
I used to work at arestaurant, Ruby Tuesday, if you
heard of that.
Oh yeah, Applebee's, but wentout of business.
So we still have them here.
They haven't gotten the newsyet that.
They went back all gone, outof here.

(10:15):
There was this guy that Iworked with and I was getting off
the morning shift and he had.
Oh, nice.
Yeah, you're one.
I usually do that in my night.
Shift, morning and night.
Sometimes I do a double shift,but I was doing a morning shift that
day and the daytime guy thatwas working with me, he got stuck
and had to work a double shiftand his kids came in to work.

(10:36):
So he's like, do you mindhanging them out hanging out with
him for a bit?
And I'm like, sure.
And they were like five andseven, I think, at the time.
So I was like, should bepretty easy.
These are the most awful kidsI've ever dealt with in my life.
I ended up taking them to likeMcDonald's and the one kid was like
trying to open the door whileI'm driving because, oh my God, I

(10:57):
don't have child locks on.
Because I don't.
I didn't know how to use childlocks back then.
And I think I had to crank thewindow down too at the time.
Yeah, they're throwing ketchup everywhere.
One kid got sick.
I was just like, I didn't signup for this.
Oh my God.
He's just a co worker of yours?
Was it a manager?
Yeah, just co worker.

(11:18):
Oh, gosh.
Did he.
Did he at least say like anIOU or anything?
No, no, He.
He didn't even act likeanything was wrong.
Like his kids were a menace.
Yeah, it sounds.
I.
I understand that I could trust.
My child with any of you guysand know that, like, I would not
even check in on her.
I know she would be perfectly fin.
Kids were awful.

(11:38):
I don't understand.
I'm getting to the point whereit's like I see a lot of stories
about people like, oh, youknow, I don't like to tell my child
no and this and that.
Like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,but, like, what's the alternative?
You either feel bad for asecond or you have kids throwing
ketchup and trying to get outof people's vehicles when they're
driving to them to McDonald'sto get them a meal.
So, yeah, I'm going to be alittle bit harder on my kid than

(12:00):
I think some of modern Gen Zmillennial parents will.
But when I.
My first parenting experiencecame when my not niece, my baby cousin,
I was left with her at my house.
Left with her.
My mom ran out to Walmart or something.
It was.
And I was like, yeah, it's fine.
So she was, I don't know, lessthan 1:1.

(12:21):
I don't know.
I don't know.
I'm not good at ages.
Neither is Scott.
Anyway, the baby poopedherself and I never changed a diaper
before in my life.
So I put her down for a nap.
And, and now, like, lookingback at that, as a parent, I'm like,
I would have like, rung theneck of anybody who would put my

(12:43):
daughter down for a nap aftershe pooped.
And I was like, she'll just,you know, wake up and my mom will
be here and she'll change the diaper.
So I called my mom.
Hey, just wanted to let youknow that Amber pooped.
But so I just put her down fora nap so that you can get that when
you get home.
And she just did not let me do that.

(13:06):
So I, I'll tell you what, Darren.
When you're a dad someday, andif you have, if you're, if you're
blessed enough to have alittle girl, there are lots of reasons
to not do that.
Yeah.
Lots of places that it's that,oh, poop should not stay for a long

(13:27):
period of time that I'mdiscovering for the first time because
I, I never had to change adiaper before.
So, so what do I do?
So wake her up.
Which was hard because I felt bad.
I woke her up.
She was literally fell asleep.
So I, I got some newspaperbecause it was when newspaper was
still being delivered today.
Put the newspaper down allalong the bed.
I got a roll of paper towels.

(13:49):
I don't know.
And this was before my firstkill, Miranda.
And, and, and I, I got a rollof paper towels, dampen them to.
So the little tushy would be,would be desensitized.
And I called up My friend wholived down the street say, hey man,

(14:10):
you ever change your diaper?
Mind you, he's four yearsyounger than me and I'm 16 at the
time, probably I'm 17.
So he's like 13, 14 years old.
He's like, yeah, dude, youjust gotta scoop the butt.
I was like, all right, youknow, scoop the butt.
She comes riding down hisskateboard because Fraser scooter
maybe, I have no idea.
We don't have cars.
We're young.
Who's rolling down his razorScooter does like a little bunny

(14:31):
hop, you know, into the driveway.
That's how yucky is.
Just like, it's cool.
And do something like thatcomes into the door.
And we just were just lookingat this baby on my bed with the newspapers
down.
And I mind you, I, I kid younot, I kid you not, I had a half
of trash bag full of papertowels by the time I was done changing
this girl's diaper.

(14:53):
And she survived.
But I'll tell you what, fastforward to present day, and I think
I still use the same amount ofbaby wipes.
I've upgraded to baby wipes.
I don't use paper towels, butI think I use the same amount of
baby wipes to, to clean my, mydaughter's dirty diaper.
And that's still.

(15:13):
Sometimes it's still not even enough.
That was my first, that was my first.
Day.
It's funny, funny you say that.
I have, I have one.
They're amazing.
Yeah, I, I bought a portablebidet for myself I never talked about,
but I forgot it when I went onvacation and lots of chafing because

(15:36):
of that.
But we'll get into thatanother time.
So I forgot it at home.
I was walking like a penguinfor a week after that vacation.
Listen, you spent a week awayfrom your bidet.
Oh my gosh.
Feels like you've been walkingat a theme park all day long, but
for a week anyway.
Yeah.
Oh, the worst.
So anyway, so I bought thisbidet and I've.

(15:56):
I don't need to use it in my house.
I have one.
So I, I have my baby bidet.
I call it now.
And Emily got so mad at mewhen I whipped that thing out for
the first time.
She's like, what the hell is that?
I'm like, it's, you know, it'sthe bidet that I bought, but now
I'm repurposing it for the baby.
And she's like, why would youneed that?
It's like, do you want tochange the diapers or do you want
me to do it my way?

(16:17):
Like, it's.
This is up to you now.
Like, if you want to changeall the diapers, by all means, but
I'm using the baby bidet, andso I've.
Baby bidet before.
Have you?
Have you baby bidet?
Nick, I.
No.
Well, I.
I watched her in the sink afew times, I think.
When.
During those messy times.
Sink, wash.
What do you do.

(16:37):
What do you do with theexcrements that go down this.
You just let them go down the sink.
Garbage disposal.
Oh, so you do kitchen sink.
It's a.
It's a kiss me.
But Sarah's like, I can neversay that.
I can't do this.
I'm sorry.
So.
Yeah, I missed that.
H.
Sorry, guys.

(16:57):
Yeah.
You know what, though?
If you didn't use the kitchensnake, you wouldn't have that little
hose thing either, though.
Yeah, the hose part definitely helps.
I might start doing this andjust never tell Emily.
She's gonna be.
She's gonna come humming home.
Like, why do you always do thedishes now?
Why is there always a clean sink?
Trust me.
Or your dishes are all overthe counter.

(17:19):
Trust me, it is not a clean sink.
I can assure you that.
Miranda.
Sarah.
Darren.
No, not there.
Darren, you literally startedoff the conversation.
Miranda.
Sarah, have you ever been left with.
With taking care of a.
Of a.
Of a child that wasn't yours,that you did some questionable things
or is like, how did the parentraise them like this?

(17:42):
Sarah's like, nah, my life isperfect, actually.
Look, I'm scared to tell y'allabout the last time I remember having
someone else's child.
Oh, that's the great beginning.
Listen, this is.
I mean, it's burned my brain,and you'll know why in a second.
It was my husband, which hewasn't my husband at the time.
It was his cousin's little girl.

(18:05):
So.
Okay, what would that.
Like mine?
I mean, yeah, I feel like sheis, but.
Yeah, she was like two or three.
And I agreed to watch her that.
Day, and that's a scary age towatch another.
Yes.
At that point, I just had myolder son.
I hadn't had my two littleones, but she.

(18:26):
My grandma died that day, so.
Oh, gosh.
Yeah, it's.
Which.
We knew she was really sick,and we knew it was coming, but it
was just crazy situationbecause I had to keep her all day.
Your grandmom?
No, the little girl.
How is this what I did to.
Keep a little girl?

(18:46):
I had to keep my guy, cousin,niece, whatever she Is.
And take her with me.
Oh, my God.
To my mom's house where thishad happened.
And I, you know, I kept herentertained as best as I could while
I'm, like, you know, fallingapart and emotional.
Like, it's okay.
Let's have fun.
It was.

(19:06):
Listen, it was just a really.
It's a crazy, crazy experience.
But, I mean, she was good.
She was happy.
I mean, it's.
You know, she learned a lotthat day.
I mean, life experiences, you know.
Yeah.
Death experiences.
Yes, Life and death.
Life and death experiences.

(19:27):
Listen, we have to laughbecause if we don't laugh, we cry.
No, it's.
It's been a long time, andI'm, you know, I'm good with it,
but I.
I just.
I'll never forget that becauseit's just crazy.
Like.
So did you agree to watch herbefore or after the death of your.
Oh, before, like.
Okay.
Yeah.
I mean, I just wanted to know.
How crazy you were.
I wasn't.
Oh, yeah.
Come on.
I don't have anything going on.

(19:48):
Let's just.
All good.
I know you were seeking out babysitting.
Like, oh, my grandma justpassed away.
Does anybody need any helpwatching their children today?
I don't have any service to start.
I think it might be right.
Sympathy babysitting.
Right?
You charge anything you want.
Yeah, you charge anything you want.
No one's ever going to hagglewith you.

(20:08):
But she's been through enough today.
I should have charged more,and I did it.
I think I got, like, $20 that day.
This was before.
Like, everybody's paying,what, 25 an hour?
Yeah, it's like 15 bucks anhour now.
Oh, it's insane.
It's insane.
I used to get $20 for, like,the whole night, you know, if that.

(20:29):
When I was younger and babysitting.
But, Yeah, I got $20 that day.
We won't get into that.
That's a whole nother story.
Yeah, that's my lastexperience that I remember.
Nick or Sarah or Miranda.
I guess this.
Now.
Now I'm interested on thisbabysitting thing.
Have you guys needed babysitters?
Because I feel like you guyshave a lot of, like, family close

(20:50):
by that can watch.
Do you have to, like, do youneed to get baby sitters?
Do that and then what?
Also, if.
Okay, so it's not.
If it's not a babysitter.
What is the.
What is not protocol, but,like, what is the payment you give
to your family?
Because my payment is you getto spend time with my daughter.
Yeah, my.

(21:12):
My brother lives really closeand we have friends down the street,
so we have a lot of peopleclose by, but we've hired a babysitter
a couple times.
That's a friend of ourfriends, essentially.
And yeah, we don't pay ourfamily at all.
I will give them free liquor,I guess, or I see that I still have
a ton.
And that.
And that's a really good.
So things laying around yourhouse that they don't know that you

(21:35):
didn't just buy.
Really, like, power move.
I'll help plan their vacation.
Like, just simple things like that.
Yeah.
Okay.
First of all.
First of all, first of all, abottle of alcohol and helping plan
vacation is not just a simple thing.
Like, if I had to watch myniece that I hypothetically have.
And.
And they're like, oh, youknow, for your troubles, here's a.
Here's a Tito's handle.
And by the way, you.

(21:57):
That trip next week or thattrip next year, taking.
How about I just plan that foryou for.
For absolutely free?
But, oh, you know what thecatch is?
You already do it for free.
It's true.
Oh, so.
So that's the strategy.
Watch your kids and all planyour vacation.
Part of the marketing strategy.
Yeah, we got.
We got a lot of family andfriends close by, but when we've
had.
We've done babysitter ahandful of times, maybe like 10,

(22:20):
two hands, I guess.
Couple hands.
We've paid around 12 to $15 an hour.
12 in 2025.
12 to 15 an hour?
Well, 2024.
We haven't had a babysitterthis year.
So you've paid like one dozeneggs per hour?
I think it's.

(22:40):
Yeah, it's around that now.
Yeah.
That's a generous.
That's a generous.
Maybe I'll pay them in toiletpaper or eggs.
Toilet paper and eggs, I thinkis a perfect.
Yeah, that's like.
That's like, wow, they'reoffering this.
You can't even find eggs thislast week.
That would have been perfect.
Say, Sarah, you're going on adate night.
Who's watching the kids?

(23:01):
They watch themselves.
Or do you not trust them?
Or do you just bring them with you?
Right.
Oh, we live such a happy family.
Just all indulge together.
We.
Well, we do, actually, and we,like, wait for certain things so
that we can go with the girlsbecause we know that they love it.
I feel like I'm cheating on them.
Like, I can't do that to them.
That sounds awful.
No, there are certain thingsthat, like, I don't want to do without

(23:22):
them.
But Lewis I mean, I could.
I could tell you there's like10 people on the list that I'm.
I would hit up in a certainorder to watch the kids.
One of them's gonna say yes,and I'm talking family, and they're
gonna.
They're gonna ask for it, andit's no, they asked for the kids.

(23:45):
We'll get texts that are like,hey, when are you stopping by with
the girls?
Like, can we watch the girlsthis weekend?
Do you have them this weekendso we can hang out with them?
I'm like, that's perfect.
Thank you.
Yes.
We're very lucky.
You are.
We have nobody.
We moved out here because it'seasier for us too, because it was.

(24:09):
I mean, now we live 40 minutesaway from where my parents are, so
we were having to drive, likeafter shifts at work and stuff.
40 minutes out of the way toget the girls and then back.
So we moved out here so thatwe're closer to the support system
and everything else.
When you mean support systemand people lining up, you mean like

(24:30):
the different FBI agents thatare assigned to your witness protection,
Miranda.
Yeah, we'll cut this, Miranda.
But Sarah's in Witsack.
She's witness protection.
Her life is too perfect for itto be true.
So we just have to assume thatit's all fabricated.
Yeah, there's just no way.
I.
I don't know what's going oneither, but I'm very lucky.

(24:51):
I'll take it.
This alternate universe, theynever fight.
Like, everything's just perfect.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's true.
Fairy tale.
It's your words, not mine.
I'm just giving you the factsof the relationship.
You guys put all thoseadjectives together, but thank you.
I wish we had this lined upright now for.

(25:13):
If we could compare.
Compare husbands in a nonmalicious way.
Please don't.
Just in a non malicious way.
But, like, I don't.
I don't have any questionslined up, but the only thing that
comes off the top of my headwas, okay, Valentine's Day just passed.
Valentine's Day just passed.
I do want to compare Sarah and Miranda.
Sarah, what did Lewis do foryou for Valentine's Day?
Miranda, what did your husbanddo for you for Valentine's Day?

(25:35):
Miranda, let's go with youfirst because you look like you're
very eager to tell us whatyour husband did for you for Valentine's
Day.
So first of all, he.
He cut his hair.
Which I did not ask him to do.
He cut his hair and got rid ofall the craziness that we saw.
Last because we outed him as the.

(25:55):
As a killer.
Everybody's gonna know who I am.
So he did that.
But he.
We don't really do a lot forValentine's Day.
Like, it's not a huge thingfor us.
We don't do, like, gifts andall that.
Do a card.
A card, okay.
And he got me a big box ofBrussels over chocolates, which I

(26:16):
love.
All right, So I have to haveone of those.
And then he had booked areservation at PF Chang's, because
that's, like, my favoriterestaurant, and he hates Chinese,
so we never get to go have it.
It's pretty.
Honestly, it's prettyromantic, right?
So any.
And he got us the best booth.
Like, the most romantic, dark,like, special booth.
Yeah, he put a note into Mr.

(26:37):
Chang, give me the dark bootthat you give the high schoolers,
or else.
Honestly, to me, it sounds.
It sounds like Miranda is inthe opposite of witness protection.
What?
It like, kidnapped by killer whatnot?

(26:59):
Miranda is seeking it.
Guys, I'm gonna have secretwords, and y'all just have to pay
attention.
Okay, just gonna start twice.
If you need help, startblinking really quickly.
What the hell is this?
And then there's Morris code.
All right, what's going on?

(27:20):
No.
Yes.
So that's it.
All right, now, Sarah, whatdid Lewis do for Valentine's Day?
Okay, so here's the deal.
Are the kids.
Wait, are the kids around?
Can you tell us.
The truth.

(27:41):
Is that my ADHD doesn't allowme to speak while the music's playing.
All right, we'll edit that in.
Alex, edit that in.
It's audio file number 64, not 69.
That was taken by the dog stories.
So Lewis and I, because wework in the service industry, never

(28:03):
actually get a Valentine's Day together.
I used to love those days whenEmily was a waitress or whatever.
I think.
Oh, man, I really want tospend the 14th with you.
And then the 15th was so much cheaper.
That's.
That's actually very fair.
But it doesn't matter when.
When your husband makes thesame meal that you had on your wedding

(28:26):
night that you've been askinghim to make.
And of course, he's a chef, soeverything is perfect.
And he got me flowers.
Please tell me he was wearinga gray sweatpants.
No, Nick is even better.
I should say.
He wasn't wearing any pants.
He wears black jeans.
It's a black.

(28:47):
Black jeans with the black shirt.
And we've been working out, soit's a little tighter, you know,
with the chain and the hat.
O.
So perfect.
Anyways, so sweaty.
Over here.
Card, flowers, a balloon.
All in Spanish, you know, I mean.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
It's cheaper.

(29:08):
I have it here.
Can you.
Can you read us thehandwritten note that he definitely
wrote in there?
I can read you mine in two seconds.
It's.
It's all in Spanish, if I'mbeing honest.

(29:29):
I'd love to hear it.
Yes.
I want to hear.
Hold on, hold on.
Let me turn on my translator.
Well, here's the thing.
The good thing about the cardsis that it's in English on the.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Because it's.
It's four pages.
We'll play some romantic music to.
For you to read it.

(29:51):
It's like one of those.
Those Spanish romance.
Do you want me to really read it?
Yeah.
Wait a second, wait a second,wait a second.
I'm tapped.
I'm tapped.
Stop the cap.
Stop the cap.
Stop the cap.
That was not the right song.
Lost my erection.
Guys, one more thing.
Look it.

(30:11):
Oh, my God.
For those listening at home,it's the cocoa.
Oh, my gosh.
It's a cocoa.
Vinyl.
It's a special edition cocoa.
Vinyl.
That's so sweet.
I love vinyl.
Anyways, I'm obsessed.
So we got special editionvinyl cocoa and then Russell Stover's
cocoa.
No, I.
I got latte something, butthere was no cocoa.

(30:35):
Is that what you call his cement?
Well, I wasn't gonna go with that.
Oh, my God.
Just enough.
God, I hope my parents don'twatch this.
So you see why she's.
Sarah's obviously in witness protection.
Miranda, this is just not.
She bought all that stuff.
It was all supplied by the government.

(30:57):
It was written by Nicholas Sparks.
I think with all these governments.
I paid for that.
Yeah.
I'm gonna get this doge checkfrom all the money that we're gonna
be saving.
And you're gonna get.
Your witness protection isprobably gonna get cut.
So I'll send you half of my.
Half of my check to pay forall of your.
Your stage.
Your stage props that you.
You have.

(31:18):
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'll pinch any penny I can, Chris.
You know that there was a lot of.
So I was looking up newnicknames for you, and I went to
chat.
GPT.
And I said.
And I.
I said, you know, come up withsome nicknames because pinching pennies
remind me of this call.
Some nicknames.
You know, she's very frugal,and half the stuff I felt very uncomfortable

(31:39):
saying.
Thrifty.
Yeah.
One was a thrifting tornado Iwas like, that's really bad.
Like, I probably could havecome up with that if I like eight
beers and.
And then thought it was agreat idea the next morning.
I would have probably justlike been so cringed out by that.
Yeah.
The thrift tornado.
Sarah, about hospitality here,because you're a hero, Sarah.
You're a, you're a firstresponder in the hospitality.

(32:02):
The day that I had today.
Yeah, I feel like a freaking hero.
You're a hero.
You are.
In my eyes.
You are capes in Scots.
You're a Jewish princess.
Not even a queen.
Think about that.
Think about that.
You're a queen in all of our hearts.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Just don't lift your arm, Darren.
Okay.

(32:24):
In your heart.
Leave it right there.
But anyway, today the weatherfinally broke up here in New Jersey.
I don't know if it happened inOhio as well.
It did.
It got up to 52 today.
See, we were at 60 here.
And see, I was so excited.
Which was, which was a far cryfrom what we had for the last few

(32:45):
weeks because the last fewweeks we've had threats of snow.
We've had a little bit of snow.
But all these schools in myarea don't know if, if it's the same
for you.
All these schools in my areaare canceling now at the threat of
snow.
It's like not even like all ofthese school districts are now like
they have, they're, they'reracist against the snow and they're,

(33:06):
they're, they're thinking thatit's going to come and take their
jobs and they're cancelingthat anyway.
I don't know if it's like thisaround you guys, but are you guys
getting school cancellationsfor legit, the most ridiculous reasons?
There has been a lot ofpremature cancellations.
I almost had ejaculation cancellations.
That's what went through my head.

(33:27):
I was like, wait, premature?
There's been a lot this year.
We had a snow day before thesnow even was.
There was no snow on the ground.
They already canceled school.
Yeah.
And then we had one becausethe weather was me cold.
Yeah.
Come on.
Like, we have heat.
We pay for heat.
Yeah, I know.
Where are my.
Where's my tax money going?

(33:48):
Where are all these taxesgoing to?
Not the school's heaters, apparently.
Like I can say it when, when Igrew up, my high school was old as
crowd.
It was over 100 years old school.
We had no heat nowhere.
Like it was awful in there.
So I could get it back then.
But Now I'm like, our school'sbrand new has come on.
Yeah.
They didn't need to cancel.
I wish.
I wish when I went to school,we could cancel school for being

(34:10):
too hot down here.
It's good.
That makes more sense to me, honestly.
Like, I mean, you can't doanything about that.
You know, like, can't takeyour clothes off in school, so.
Well, I mean, you know, college.
College.
College, yeah.
College again.
Yes.
Thank goodness Scott's nothere anyway.
No, speaking of him, he's inthe chat right now.

(34:31):
Oh, my God.
Please stop.
Please stop.
Oh, my gosh.
Call me Daddy.
What?
I was saying, call me Daddy.
Don't call me.
Yeah, I was gonna say.
It's non stop.
It's non stop.
Trust me.
He's.
He calls me 14 times a day.
He says he only drinks, like,socially or he's like, oh, I only
have.
Like, I only drink when I go out.

(34:51):
He tell us the truth.
The joke is, he's always.
The bit is he's always out.
Like, he's like, driving.
He's never.
It's more like, when is hegonna be sober?
Correct.
He's, like, driving home andhe's like, cracking up a beer.
Cracking open a beer.
He's like, I'm not home.
I'm out.
Miranda, are schools in yourarea getting canceled?

(35:13):
You live in Tennessee, correct?
Yes.
Tennessee is that really weirdregion where.
Because my brother lives there.
And like, when there's like adusting, like.
Like things shut down, don't they?
Yeah, absolutely.
Absolutely.
So, yeah, they, like, if it.
Like you said, if it mightsnow or they're thinking it, anything
could hit, then they closeeverybody now, which is crazy.

(35:35):
I remember being up at 6 inthe morning when there's already
like 4 inches of snow outside.
When I was younger and waitingfor them to cancel it, and they didn't.
And I'm like, okay, well,guess we're going playing snow on
the way to school.
So.
Yeah.
It's just ridiculous here.
Like.
Like, I.
It just makes me mad.
Okay.
Just makes me mad.
Yeah.
If I had four inches, I'dcancel too.

(35:57):
But I know Nick usually opensfor more than five.
I'm still open.
No, it's.
It's ridiculous.
I get the ice thing.
Like, and it was cold, whichis crazy.
It was.
The temperatures were reallycold, so I thought, well, maybe it'll
freeze.
And I get it with the busesand stuff, but it was gone in no

(36:17):
time.
And then they canceled thenext day too, because it was too
cold in the morning.
And I'M just like, what?
I don't know.
I.
I don't.
Yeah, it's not.
It's not fun.
It's.
It's not fun because all ofthe planning that has to now go into,
you know, it's great for the administrators.
They get to stay home and whatever.
Some of them don't.
Some of them, they were like,oh, but so.

(36:37):
And so reports.
So these people have to go towork, but kids could stay home, school.
I know it's ridiculous.
And it really sucks for, like,my preschooler because we pay regardless.
So he was out all week andtake my money.
It's gone.
I mean, it's just like.
I don't know.
That's.
That blows really bad now.

(36:59):
So I'm just glad they're backin school.
Yay now.
So I.
I don't.
I don't know how this wouldwork because I don't like when Emily
and I are both.
The education industry, Iguess you would call it.
So when schools are off, like,we're off.
Right.
We don't get off where we havea kid now, but.

(37:21):
So the.
But when our kids are now at home.
So for us, it's no big deal.
We go out and play in the snowbecause everybody is off.
But for you guys, you know,you guys might have to go to work.
And Sarah, not so much for youwith the snow, know, but for hurricanes.
Well, I guess.

(37:41):
I guess the whole city wouldclose down for a hurricane, so I
guess you have it a little easier.
Yeah, I work on the beachside, so I'm actually not allowed.
We're not allowed to travel onthe bridges when it's 39 miles an
hour.
So you're good.
So you're either there oryou're gone.
So I like right beforehurricanes because, of course, everybody

(38:04):
waits here until the lastsecond because things can change
so much.
So we wait until the last second.
And then I don't know how yourjob is, Darren, but, like, with mine,
because, you know, we're.
We're in.
Well, I'm in a 24 7, 365, youknow, operation.

(38:25):
And they're like, okay, weneed staff here.
Then they end up with theseskeleton crews and stuff.
I'm like, I just want to gethome before I'm freaking stuck here.
Yeah.
Because I will drive thehighway home and I'll be blowing
all over the place becausework wanted to wait till the last
second.
Correct.
But schools do the thing.

(38:45):
Yeah.
There have been times.
Sarah, now listen, I know yourwhole life is a lie.
You live the lie.
Because you have to, you know,live this fake life of yours.
But can you be honest with mefor one second?
I want you to look at, lookright into the webcam.
Pretend you're looking at mebecause I want you to be honest.

(39:08):
You said that 39 miles perhour you could not go over a bridge,
right?
Correct.
Have you ever told youremployer that you lived somewhere
other than where you lived?
Say, oh, I live on, you know,I can't travel across the bridge.
It's 39 miles per hour.
So you don't have to go to work?
No, no, because I talk too much.

(39:30):
So they know too, about me.
Because when I'm late to workin the morning, like every single
day that I'm late to work inthe morning, I do, I'll tell my guests,
like, they'll be like, oh,what time are you here in the morning?
I'm like, well, I'm supposedto be here at 6:30, but I'm here
at like 6:35, 6:38, somethinglike that.
I'm always the one that'slike, Well, I drive 40 minutes to

(39:51):
get here all the way from this city.
So don't, you know, you guysdrive three blocks.
So no, I could never get away with.
Listen, pro tip, next job, youlive across the bridge.
It's a great bridge.
Regardless, you're good.
So you're good to go.
You live across like seven bridges.
It sounds like I, I really dolive across seven bridges, three

(40:12):
hills, couple highways.
Yeah.
So it's a lot now.
Okay, obviously this doesn'tpertain to you because they shut
the whole city down.
You can't cross a bridge inyour area.
But Nick and Miranda,snowstorm Nick in your case, in the
literal Snowstorm Miranda,your case, a winter freeze warning.
Your kids are now stuck athome and you have to work, you have

(40:33):
to go about your day.
What do you do?
What, like, what is there?
How do you go upon doing that?
Like, what are you doing, Nick?
I know Sean is probably.
Sean's on the front line.
Sean.
Sean has to work.
He's got it.
Yeah.
Sean's gotta go.
So you're home now with the kiddo?
Yeah, I, I become the stay athome dad, essentially.
And it happens over summertimetoo, because I work from home, so

(40:55):
I just keep her home over thesummer with me.
That's right.
To save money.
So I'm kind of used to it by now.
And she's used to my workroutine a little bit and.
But yeah, this time weactually had a snow day like Two
weeks ago.
A week ago.
I don't even know anymore.
I don't know.
What day or year is this?
Still 2020.
Let's join the club.
We had a snow day and decidedto take her sledding.

(41:18):
Oh, have you ever taken hersighting before?
We've only gone sledding on,like, a little, tiny.
Like, I wouldn't even call ita hill down the street of, like,
dirt, basically, that'scovered up.
Yeah, We've.
We've gone down the driveway acouple times.
Our driveway is kind of steep.
She slept down that a fewtimes just because it's easy to do.
And we don't really have muchhills around here.

(41:39):
You just slide right down thedriveway, honey.
Right into the street.
Yeah.
There's nobody coming down the street.
That's a lot of look both ways.
I'm a good dad.
Yeah, we.
I took our sledding, decidedto take my niece and nephew, too,
because they had a snow day,and I knew my brother was working
from home, and.
Wow.
So you're taking all threekids to supervise.
Talk about watching kids thataren't yours on a day where they're

(42:01):
doing something semi dangerous.
Right.
Sledding.
They could break a finger or something.
Right.
It got to be dangerous.
So here's the thing.
So we.
We don't have.
I live in central Ohio.
It's very flat here.
It's a lot of cornflies.
Are you near Lima?
I'm not.
It's Lima, actually.
That's where I'm from.
I don't know if you've heardof it before.
Didn't they film Glee there?

(42:22):
Yeah, yeah, the TV show Glees.
Oh, yeah.
It was based off of my hometown.
Guys, I don't know if I'vetalked about it.
No, never.
Actually, it's.
It's a little ways away.
But back when I lived in Lima,there was a lot of hills.
We had reservoirs and stuffthat you could slide down that were
super fun.
But here we had nothing.
So I'm googling stuff, andeverything's like, the number one

(42:43):
spots.
Like, go to this golf coursedown the street.
So I went there.
There's nobody there, andthere's signs everywhere that says,
golfers only.
No sledding.
So I'm like, something musthave happened.
So I went to the next place,and it's like, back in the woods,
basically.
It's like a community park,and all I see is trees everywhere.

(43:04):
I'm like, how are you gonnasled with trees?
Like, there's a steep hill.
My daughter's like, oh, thislooks fun.
I'm like, yeah.
I'm like, you're gonna hur.
So we found the little hilland did that.
It was across from aplayground stuff.
So we were sliding for alittle while, and the kids wanted
to go down the slides.
So.
Mind you, the slides arecovered in snow and ice.

(43:26):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Very safe.
So what happens when you geton a slide during ice and not.
Sarah.
Not ice as in, like, ice.
Okay, sorry.
Really quick.
Hi, Lewis.

(43:47):
Ice is at the playgrounds now.
They're at the playground.
So this one slide is, like,partially, like, enclosed tube.
And then the bottom half of itwas, like, not enclosed.
It's, like, uncircumcised.
Yes.
Okay.
So all of a sudden, I'm tryingto watch three kids, mind you.
All of a sudden, Piper fliesoff the slide about 4ft because it's

(44:12):
so icy and slippery.
She's like, like.
Luckily, she's padded up in,like, a giant jacket.
Very injured that day.
So it's like, all right, guys,we're going home.
We're going to McDonald's now.
Yeah.
Don't jump out the car door, please.
So we.
We made it.
Everybody made it out alive.
My feet were frozen for aboutthree days, and we did end up going

(44:36):
to McDonald's afterwards.
See?
Yeah.
Came full circle.
I'm.
I'm a good.
Good uncle.
Good dad.
Now, Miranda, Nick voluntarilytook on three children that day.
You are forced to.
I voluntarily had three children.
I mean, not important.
Love that.
I love that.

(44:59):
Take that out.
No, I love my kids.
I love my kids.
I'm gonna start calling you Scott.
You're not wrong.
You're not wrong.
That's a whole nother story,too, because I.
Okay, never mind.
Now we have to hear it on thenext episode.

(45:20):
Apparently.
The mysterious pregnant.
The mysterious.
Are you a virgin?
Are you the virgin, Miranda?
The mysterious.
The mysterious.
It will not stop happening.
What am I doing wrong?

(45:45):
No.
What were we talking about?
You were just gonna tell usone of your deepest, darkest secrets,
apparently.
No, no.
You voluntarily had threewonderful children.
Three lovely children.
That I said.
Yes.
That you said you werefortunate enough to have.
So at.
When you're stuck at home withthem during a.
Not.
I can't even say a snow day.
A threat of snow day.
Well, I'm st.
I am a stay at home mom rightnow, so I'm with them every day,

(46:07):
which is fine.
I love them.
I love them.
But when you're stuck at homeand you can't do anything, like,
usually we'll go places orwe'll go outside and play or go to
the park, you know, we can do stuff.
And my three year old goes topreschool two days a week, so that's
good.
So when you're stuck, stuck,it's like, oh, you know, because

(46:28):
they're just, they're going crazy.
I'm going crazy.
And it was so cold this time.
Like it was.
I can't remember thetemperature, but it said it felt
like, like, you know, negative four.
So I'm not taking them outsidenow to play in it, which they're
looking at it going, you know,and I feel bad but like we did go
out for like a few minutes oneday and I was like, nope, let's go

(46:49):
back.
And this is not.
I was, I was being.
I mean, I was just.
Yeah, you know, what was.
What's the age range for yourkids too?
I have one that's about toturn to one that's about to turn
4 and I have a 13 year old.
All right, so yeah, so likeyou have to entertain now.
A cocoa melon, a, a Ms.

(47:10):
Rachel and then a Xbox.
Yes, right, Exactly.
So it's like exactly, exactly.
Or Fortnite or whatever heplays on his computer.
Yeah.
So he's good.
I mean, you just give him a.
You just give him a gamingcontroller and he's good for the
day.
Yeah.
And he's so, like, he's got one.
His mind is on soccer now.
Like that's all he cares about.
So he's so, so yeah, he's good.

(47:33):
It's the other two kids thatare probably going nuts about.
Yeah, well, and he was at hisdad's the whole time that snow had
happened.
So he wasn't.
So you had it easy.
You only had a little bit.
You only had two smallchildren to take care of and you're.
And, and the husband is not around.
It's just you.
He was home.
They, they closed, closed hiswork the first day.
So he was home.

(47:53):
So that was fun.
So the streets were safe.
Thank goodness.
Yeah.
So, yeah, so I had, I did havethree kids here.
So.
Yeah, I did.
I still had three children.
One was really awful.
So do you do the whole.
And this goes for everyone.
Do you guys do the wholethere's a storm coming?

(48:15):
Whether it's snow, whetherit's rain, do you do the whole go
out and make sure we have milkand bread and eggs thing?
So not usually, but we reallyhad to go to the store the night
before, which I try to avoidthat at all, you know, ever.
Like, I just don't want to be there.
Sure.
And we were literally there.
That's the first time I'veever gone when this has happened.
And there were no eggs.

(48:36):
There were two gallons of milk.
Like, there were two left, and.
But there was tons of bread.
So you were safe.
So we were safe.
We didn't need eggs.
And we did get the milkbecause we needed milk, and we got
bread because we needed bread.
These are things we wereactually out of.
Like, we weren't trying tohoard it and take, like, 30 a piece.

(48:56):
I'm like, what do these peoplethink they're gonna do with eggs?
That's what I always wondered.
Right.
What are we doing cookies andchips and.
I mean, I'm just kidding.
But.
But seriously, what are wedoing with.
What are we doing with.
Because I was hoping that oneof you're like, yeah, I go out and
get this because I want toknow what you're doing.
I still want to know whatpeople did with all that toilet paper

(49:18):
in 2020.
I know, exactly.
I don't get it.
They're still using it.
They're still.
Because they took it all as.
I'm lucky, because I work.
Sean works in retail and agrocery store, so he picks up those
things pretty much every day.
So we're always stock.
But he deals with those idiots.
I'm sure.
Sarah, you're definitely amilk, eggs, and bread gal.

(49:40):
We go to the store, like, oncea week.
I mean, yeah, we.
Of course we get that.
Last time we went to thestore, we had to buy three gallons
of milk because we're drinkingit so much.
Oh, my gosh.
For, like, the week.
Do you want formula now?
Protein shakes.
Oh, because you're working out now.
Both of us are drinkingprotein shakes twice a day.

(50:02):
And we make coffee a lot,obviously, with the espresso machine.
We have cappuccinos and stuffall the time.
And I'm a cereal addict, sosays Miranda's husband.
Different cereal.
She's the addict.
I do love some cereal.

(50:23):
Yeah.
I never understood thefascination with the eggs, bread,
and milk.
It's like, is everybody justthat you need to make French toast
when.
When it's stored and you'rebuying all the perishables, too.
That's what I didn'tunderstand, too.
Like, okay, you'reanticipating maybe being.
Not being able to leave yourhouse for a while.
So you're buying all thethings that are going to expire.
Right.
The canned stuff.
The canned goods stay on the shelves.
The water stay on the shelf.
Let's make sure we have themilk, though, I never understood

(50:46):
that.
But anyway, before, we shouldsee the liquor stores.
Well, the liquors.
I try.
I do.
I'm there.
Yes, I'm there.
Well, we have hurricane parties.
That's like a thing, you know,so the shelves can be stocked with
a lot of stuff.
But the liquor store, that'swiped clean.
I had one of those hurricaneparties from like 2020 to 21 and

(51:08):
a half.
It was just a year and a halflong of.
Just one long hurricane party.
Yeah, I've been there.
I get that.
Had to.
But before we.
Before we end here, I'm veryintrigued by this new lifestyle that
you're.
That you're diving into,Sarah, with this working out.
I'm really intrigued by youdrinking four protein shakes per

(51:29):
day.
How.
Per household.
Per household.
So give us a little.
Give us a little taste of whatyou're doing, because I'd.
I need to hear an update in amonth from now.
Actually, we started going.
How long has it been?
Like two and a half months.
See, there's no.
There's no such thing asSarah's life.
There is no such thing.
She has a New Year'sresolution and actually sticks to

(51:52):
it through February.
That's not.
I refuse.
We started going to the gymright before the holidays because
we were thinking how crazy itwas that we were doing it.
We were just talking about itthe other day.
It is crazy because it's nottrue, unfortunately.
It.
It.
There was a lot more to it,but I lost a lot of weight because

(52:15):
of the medication that I was on.
I lost like 20 pounds, so Idropped to, like 98 pounds.
And now I.
I would love to.
To have some.
Please.
Of the.
Oh, listen, that's for a rainyday, just in case, but, you know,

(52:35):
it is 20, 25.
If things go to, you know, to.
I'll have a medicine cabinet Ican sell off.
I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.
So I've gained, like 11 pounds.
Wow.
Look at these gains.
It's from all that milk.
It's.
You're drinking that whole milk.
I've.
We've been trying.

(52:56):
Today we ate McDonald's forthe first time in that long.
Because I was just cravingFrench fries, but.
Feels weird, doesn't it, after you've.
Been.
It really does.
We've been so good about,like, trying to make it a point to
eat better, you know, we'relike, ew.
Now that we're, like, starvingafter the gym, we don't want to grab

(53:16):
something quick, which is thecrappy stuff.
We actually go and eat.
But it's different because Ican finally eat.
So last week I devoured myweight, plus probably another human's
weight in Olive Garden.
And I'm so like, you have noidea what it feels like to just have

(53:36):
that come back.
That feeling of wanting to eat.
I have that every meal, everyday, Sarah.
It's the three times a day.
I get that.
It was like eight months ofjust waking up and not wanting to
eat anything at all and havingto force myself.
And I would force myself andput it in a calorie counter and be
like, are you kidding me?

(53:57):
I am so full.
And it's like, danger, danger.
Eat more your calories.
And I'm at like 300 caloriesfor the day.
Oh, wow.
Awful.
So now I'm like overloading.
And then we've been reallygood about like vitamins.
Some of us have been reallygood about vitamins.
And like, you know, do wedrink creatine?

(54:21):
And we're doing the proteinpowder and we go for like an hour
and a half to two hours.
When we do creatine, I say, doyou say bro?
Do you say bro a lot now?
I already did that.
And it's not bro, it's bruh.
And I only say that really tothe kids.
My 13 year old calls everybody bro.
I think I am 13 sometimes, butyeah, it's.

(54:43):
It's bruh all the time.
Sup, girl?
Like that kind.
But then they said it back tome the other day, it kind of freaked
me out.
It's weird when someone whoshouldn't be calling you bro, like
when my sister calls me bro,it's very weird.
It's different for me though,because I'm.
I'm the third parent, you know.
Okay.
So like, I don't know.

(55:04):
They're my best friends.
So you are.
You get the fun names.
I get the.
Well, yeah, because I'm justSarah being screamed from the other
room.
Yes.
So bro's fine for you?
Yeah.
Scott will try to bro Abby or I.
And it's just, it's so uncomfortable.
You can tell he's not the same.

(55:25):
No, you can tell he's justtrying to be hip and cool.
I know, I know.
When they bro you, it's.
It's actually like, like outof respect.
Yeah, yeah.
There is a 19 year age gapbetween myself and our oldest, you
know, so it's a little different.
Like my mom was almost 30 whenshe had me.

(55:45):
If she tried to bro me rightnow, I'd flip a lid.
But like, for me it's just,you know, I feel so young at heart
that the bruh and the dude andthe stuff, you know, that comes out
a lot.
I'm a big duder.
I tutor.
I.

(56:05):
I do say dude a lot, so I get it.
That's crazy.
You say there's a 19 year agegap between you and them.
Because there's also about a19 year year age gap between my father
and I.
Oh, shoot.
Sorry.
It's like.
It's like 20 years, but the same.
The same thing.
Yeah.
I forget how old the girls aresometimes, though, because they really
are very mature for their age.

(56:27):
And so we've never, ever, evertalked to them like they were babies,
like they were little kids.
We talk to them like adults.
We give them the real, youknow, we just.
It is what it is.
And so we talk.
I talk to them like they're myfriends, but also, I've been very
lucky with anomaly children, so.

(56:48):
Yeah, you and your perfect life.
I'm sorry, you.
Hey, you've hung out with thegirls before.
I know.
They're amazing.
They're pretty good.
They.
They really are just.
Yeah, you too, Darren.
They.
They really are just good kids.
I can't ask for anything better.
But now I have to knock onwood because Sophia is still only
in sixth grade.
She did come home the otherday though, and she was like, there's

(57:10):
so much drama in sixth grade.
And I'm like, okay, but areyou part of it?
And she's like, no.
Oh, you'd be proud, Nick.
Actually, she told me that oneof some.
Somebody in the friend group,you know, is experimenting and discovering,
you know, their.
Their boundaries and theirsexuality and.
And whatnot.
And I guess somebody came overand said, you know, ew, that's gross.

(57:34):
Like, one of their friends,like, ew, that's gross that you guys
are.
Are lesbians or whatever.
And she said, if you're ahomophobe, leave our table.
Yeah.
I was like, I am so proud of you.
Because, you know, we teachthem obviously to stick up for themselves
and their friends and to notbe quiet about things that they believe

(57:55):
in.
To be.
To be open and give theiropinions, you know, and she did.
She's like, I'm not part ofthe drama, but this is what happened.
And I told her, you need toleave, like, period.
Okay, girl.
Period.
Yes, exactly.
Drop the mic, audios.
Put her in her place.
Yeah.
So middle school.

(58:15):
That'll be fun.
Hello, valued podcast listener.
This is your host speaking ina perfectly rehearsed tone.
It is now time.
Yes, Time to conclude theepisode of Parents Night out podcast.
I am contractually obligatedto inform you that we have reached
the end of today's pre writtencontent delivery session.
Firstly, I must express my gratitude.
Oh, yes, so much gratitude toyou, the person who has bravely endured

(58:36):
my voice for approximately 60 minutes.
Your ears are truly the unsungheroes of the audio experience.
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(58:57):
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(59:17):
a generic script.
Insert sponsor names here later.
Thank you, sponsors.
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Until then, stay safe, staysubscribed, and stay listening.
I'm just kidding about allthat, Alex.
Cut as many.
As much of that as possible.
All right, so, guys, before wewrap up here today, Darren, what
are you doing with your kids?

(59:38):
This.
Damn it.
I do have a kid this week.
Oh, perfect.
Yeah, we already forgot.
So.
So does anybody.
Anybody do anything fun withtheir kids this week?
Now, Darren, you're with.
You're with your adoptedchild, which is insane.
Yeah.
Any big.
Are you.
Do you actually have any bigplans with.
With Abby this week?

(59:58):
I do bonding.
I do actually have somebonding and some big plans.
Really?
Abby has now joined the cult.
The wrestling cult.
She is now.
She's now into wrestling.
So tonight after.
After this, we're gonna go puton Monday Night Raw.
Oh, it's so exciting.
Yeah, we're gonna go watchthat and bond.
I'm gonna answer all of her questions.

(01:00:21):
That's so cute.
That'd be really fun.
You guys have to eat on the.
At the tv.
Which is not what it sounds like.
My.
My dad had her watch Royal,like, the Royal Rumble.
The men's Royal Rumble.
Sexist, I know.
Yeah.
What the hell?
Yeah, but she was so in lovewith the final three.
And she was so.
She was sad at first that JayUSO won because she was like, oh,

(01:00:43):
I wanted John Cena to win.
But she's very excited thatJay USO is main eventing Wrestlemania.
I'm happy that she's joinedthe train.
We're gonna have to talk aboutmore about our guilty pleasures sometime
because this is definitely aguilty pleasure of.
Of Scott.
So we're gonna put attack inthat and circle back since we.
We're an hour in here.
But yeah, that's definitelysomething we have to talk about because

(01:01:05):
this is the guiltiest ofpleasures that Scott has.
And now, Darren, where can ourlisteners find you?
You can find me on some socialmedia, probably Instagram.
Darren, underscore maffei.
Or you can check out atParents Knit out on X where I should

(01:01:25):
change that username.
So that's not even ParentsNight Out.
Oh, okay.
Well, I have no idea what Ichanged it to, but I definitely texted
you about it.
Changed it to something.
If you want to find us, findour website.
It's probably linked there.
Yeah.
Nick, what do you got going onthis week?
Anything?
Nothing this week, but I justwanted to chat briefly.
I actually haven't really postabout it online yet, so.
Sure, it's news.

(01:01:45):
Breaking news, this pastweekend we did a cousin's day for
my niece and nephew and Piper.
So instead of Christmaspresents, we started to do like experiences.
Oh, that's great.
So we decided to do a cousin'sday where we went ice skating and
I ice skated and then we wentto this barcade type place.

(01:02:10):
That's great.
Yeah, bowling alley, arcade.
Lots of fun games andactivities and stuff.
So it was a really awesome weekend.
Spending time with the kidsand getting out of the house, that's
about all I had.
That sounds awesome.
Coming up.
Yeah.
And where can people find you, Nick?
Yeah, you can find me on allsocial media platforms at Sandpiper

(01:02:31):
Vacations, where you canprobably find me going on a cruise
because I have another onecoming up in two weeks.
Shocker.
Guys, I'll be away.
Randy, do you want to fill inin two weeks?
I'll be gone.
Yeah, sure.
Come back.
I will be here.
And then on Instagram atEmotional Supports Gay Nick.
And that's it.

(01:02:51):
Sarah, what do you got goingon this week?
Anything fun?
Nothing yet.
Oh, we'll always try and findVery mysterious.
I know.
Well, it's a mystery to meuntil it happens.
So we'll find out.
Your cat's gonna be a co hoston this podcast by the way Sarah
the cat's been on the screen.
Is he there?
He was there.
He just left.
Was he?

(01:03:12):
Both of them have been runningaround the entire time.
Yeah.
Have they?
Oh my God.
I was so confused.
Literally at one point Ilooked up and I was like, like Lewis
was there at one point and allof a sudden it's a cat.
And I'm like, is that Lewis?
And he just.
He's very hairy now or what'sgoing on?
He's a fur.
He's a furry.
That's weather.
And Nick, I'll private message you.
Yes, that guy is wild.

(01:03:35):
He keeps me busy, I'll tellyou that.
He keeps me busier than thekids do.
But yeah, no, nothing going on.
So I don't know, maybe I'llhave something for next week.
And when you're buying props to.
To imitate your superficial,perfect life, Sarah, Legos.
When you're not doing that,where can our listeners find you?
Oh, not your address.

(01:03:56):
Don't worry, you can find meonly on TikTok at Super Sarah 94.
All right, easy enough.
Miranda, you got anythinggoing on this week with the kiddos?
We got a lot of soccer.
How they playing soccer in the snow?
Is this indoor soccer?
No, it's freezing.
No, it's outdoors.
Oh, my gosh.
They.

(01:04:16):
They skipped a lot ofpractices, but they're playing a
game tomorrow at school andthen we have to go to Kentucky this
weekend for a tournament for travel.
So that's going to be fun.
So you have to sit outside inthe elements for this.
Yeah.
All right, so if you guys wantto send your thoughts and prayers
to.
Miranda and hand warmers andblankets and hats.

(01:04:38):
Oh, gosh.
Yeah.
So basically just soccer.
That's our.
That's our life for a little while.
Oh, and my.
My 3 year old started T balltonight, so.
That's right.
It's fun.
Yeah, I miss.
Missed his first practice, but he.
Yeah, it's.
It's gonna be fun.
Coach.
Pitch slash T hole.
Please do not say that youmissed his first practice because
you were recording this.

(01:04:58):
No, no, it's.
We had already.
If I hadn't, I would.
It's a long story, but his dadwanted to take him.
Okay.
Okay.
Whole thing.
So it.
It's.
It's good.
All right, that's fair, that's fair.
No, no, no.
All right, Miranda, where canour listeners find you at?
You can find me on Tick Tockat Render, Underscore Renee and Instagram

(01:05:19):
at Miranda Renee.
511.
Rander Murray.
Oh, my gosh.
Randa.
Renee.
Miranda.
Renee.
511.
Oh, Miranda.
Renee.
I was saying Rander.
Did anyone else hear Rander'son tick tock.
Okay, random.
So Rander underscore Renee.
Yeah, Sarah understood that completely.
She knows all about alter egosand alternate names and stuff.

(01:05:41):
Anyway, you can find me.
I'm not doing too much this week.
I'm just, you know, mydaughter's now just playing like
she isn't scheduled to poop.
Every time Emily leaves thehouse, she just drops a load.
So I've been just changingdiapers like crazy, which, you know,
I looked at a stat and in the40s, 42% of men didn't change diapers.
And now it's down to 3% today.

(01:06:02):
Could also be because theywere fighting Nazis in Germany, but
maybe something a little bitmore important than changing a diaper.
But what's more important thanour youth?
So that's why I'm taking.
I'm going to the front linesmyself and changing these diapers.
I'm in the 97 percentile.
Like my daughter, who's in the89th percentile, by the way.
That's what happened this week.
We took her to the doctor appointment.
She is a big.

(01:06:22):
She's got a big ass head.
She's in the 84th percentilefor head circumference.
Go big heads.
Takes after her father.
And she's.
She's in the 89th percentilefor weight.
She is a big chungus.
I started calling.
Her name's Ellie.
I started calling her Beef Ellington.
Beef Ellington.
That's so cute.
Height, not so greatpercentile, but the average.

(01:06:48):
Yeah, it averages out.
And they had to prick herfinger for a.
A test on to see if she had a.
I don't know, whatever, iron deficiency.
And seeing her bleed made mewant to throw up.
It was the sad and it was.
It was all under thesupervision of a medical professional
and.
But seeing them prick herfinger and then make her bleed was.

(01:07:08):
I almost strangled the person.
So that was the last doctorappointment I'll be taking to say
I'll be hiring somebody.
So if you guys have any goodbabysitters that will do, doctor
appointments, let me know.
But anyway, you can find me onInstagram at chrisyab where you can
see happy pictures of my childnot bleeding on a piece of paper.
You can find me on TikTok atChrisyab NNF but follow us on our

(01:07:29):
podcast TikTok at theparks.com parents night out.
A little confusing.
It might be confusing becauseif you don't know.
Scott and Darren go to theparks sometimes and sometimes go
to the parks.
But no, we've been a lot moreactive on.
On Instagram and Tick Tock.

(01:07:50):
But most importantly, followus on Facebook.
Give us a little follow atParents Night out podcast, something
like that.
You'll find it.
You'll see the logo.
It's the same one that you seeon the screen right now.
You're listening to it.
You guys are smart to be ableto figure out.
Anyway, that's all from us.
On behalf of Nick, Sarah,Miranda, Darren, I'm Chris.
Now, we won't see you next week.
What do we say?
You'll see.
You'll hear us next week.

(01:08:12):
Oh, my gosh, that was horrible.
Why would we say I'll see younext week now we're not seeing anybody
next week.
See you later, Poopy Bus.
Lonely friends Just the oldand the bold of Kiss we're the ones
you hold Scott, Chris, Sarah,and make a tale to be told welcome

(01:08:32):
to the podcast.
We're adulting unfolds we'readulting unfolds we're adulting unfolds.