October 24, 2025 • 21 mins
What happens when Halloween nostalgia collides with consumer nightmares and a haunted house line that just won’t end? We mash satire, music, and storytelling into a fast, punchy ride—from a deadpan “interview” about unsafe toys and marketing spin to campy monster choruses that resurrect the joy of novelty records. The result is a crooked funhouse mirror: sharp jokes about risk dressed up as play, stitched together with melodies that make fear feel strangely friendly.
We kick off by skewering the way brands sanitize danger, showcasing a gallery of ridiculous “playthings” that would never pass a sniff test. Then we pivot into musical mischief—mummies shuffling, bones clacking, mad labs humming—honoring the retro sound of Halloween while poking fun at its lovable clichés. Along the way, we talk costumes and identity, that awkward moment when your public persona follows you to the porch while your kids are out for candy, and how humor keeps you steady when the crowd turns snarky.
Midway through, a throwback trailer for Invaders from Mars channels old-school sci‑fi paranoia and the fear of infiltration, drawing a line from Cold War shivers to modern-day rumor cycles. Finally, we land on a true Halloween saga: a fast pass that becomes a marathon, a phone that dies at the gate, and a cop encounter resolved by a joke so clean it breaks stoic faces. We wrap with a Great Pumpkin nod and a smoky, ghostly tune, celebrating the strange sincerity that keeps us believing in magic for one more night. Hit play, subscribe for more chaotic charm, and leave a review with your funniest haunted house fail—what went sideways for you?
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_11 (00:04):
Good evening and welcome to the holiday of
consumer problems.
For instance, the rubber sectioncomes off and the arrows become
dangerous.
We have with us tonight Mr.
Irwin Mainway, president ofMainway choice.
Mr.
Mainway, your companymanufactures the following
(00:27):
so-called harmless playthings.
Pretty peggy ear piercing setMr.
Skin Grafter, General Trump,Secret Police Confession Kit,
and Doggy Dentist.
And what about this innocentrubber doll?
Would you mark it under the nameJohnny Switchblade?
(00:49):
Depress his head.
And two sharp knives.
Mr.
Mainway, I'm afraid this is byno means a safe toy.
SPEAKER_01 (01:00):
Okay, I'm just going to correct you on one thing
here, okay?
First of all, the full name ofthis product that's appears in
stories all over the country isJohnny Switchblade Adventure
Punk.
No, I mean, uh, you know,nothing goes wrong.
It's just little girls buyingthem.
You know, they play games andmake up stories, nothing gets
hurt.
I mean, so uh Barbie uh takes aknife once in a while, okay?
I mean, uh, it's not permanent,I mean, as far as I can see, you
(01:22):
know.
SPEAKER_11 (01:22):
I see, fine, fine.
Well, we'd like to show youanother one of Mr.
Mainway's products.
It retails for$198, and it'scalled Bag of Glass.
Mr.
Mainway, this is simply a bag ofjagged, dangerous glass bits.
Yeah, right.
It's uh, you know, it's it's aglass, it's a broken glass.
SPEAKER_08 (01:50):
He's wrapped up tight, buddy, ready to go at the
midnight dance down in Cairo.
Down in the tomb where it's darkand deep.
The mommy woke up from athousand years' sleep.
He heard the beat and hecouldn't resist.
Unwrapped his feet and he shookhis face.
(02:11):
It's the mommy shuffle, dragyour feet.
unknown (02:15):
What do the mommy shuffle?
Can't be feet.
One step, two step, rattle thephone.
SPEAKER_08 (02:22):
The mommy shuffle, who shakes the stone.
SPEAKER_07 (02:28):
What do you want?
SPEAKER_08 (02:32):
The bandages lift and the crowd went wild.
Even Frankenstein's monstersmiled.
The wolfman howled and the gooseclapped hands while the mommy
danced to the desert stands.
It's the mommy shuffle, dragyour feet.
What do the mommy shuffle?
Can't be beat.
(02:52):
What do the one step, two-step,rattle of bones?
SPEAKER_14 (02:56):
The mommy shuffle shakes the stone.
My cousin hates Halloween.
He hates Halloween, boy.
I don't mind Halloween.
Our cat died two days beforethis year, so we left him in the
yard for extra decoration forthe cat.
You dress up for Halloween?
(03:18):
I did this year.
My buddy, I wanted to help himout.
He's got a health food business.
He started a little gym inthere, so I dressed up, put on a
dress, and went as a trans fat.
(03:46):
I always go with my kids drinkor treat.
You know, but here's theproblem.
I'm very flattered people dresslike me when they drink a drink.
But it's weird when I go,because I'm just hanging out
with my kids.
Then knock on the door, peoplelike, oh, look, little Batman,
little Superman.
Ah, Larry the cable guy, that'sgood costume.
Then I always hear somebody fromthe back of the room, who is it?
(04:07):
He dressed like Larry the cableguy.
SPEAKER_17 (04:08):
Then I hear, ah, that guy sucks.
SPEAKER_14 (04:13):
What the hell?
Next time I'm gonna go asFoxworthy, all right.
That's true.
I don't care if anybody thinkshe sucks.
SPEAKER_05 (04:55):
We body fatties just need to leave everything.
SPEAKER_02 (05:08):
You put up the back, wait, wait, don't move another
bother.
And please don't wake yourbrother.
SPEAKER_04 (05:17):
You get up at night, make it with you're gonna make
this a real ghost time.
SPEAKER_03 (05:32):
I never go that way again.
If you hear where I found, yougotta look all around.
Here come the boogey man.
SPEAKER_12 (06:04):
Invaders from Mars.
He saw them land from outerspace.
He saw them capture innocentpeople only to destroy.
Father turned against son.
People changed into strange,weird animals.
(06:28):
A general of the army becomes asaboteur.
Trusted police turned intoarsonists.
The boys' parents changed intokillers.
SPEAKER_09 (06:50):
But nobody's getting anywhere upstairs.
Nobody can locate anything.
Anybody.
The Martians, the clouds got thetrees.
SPEAKER_12 (06:59):
Invaders of Mars! Capturing humans at will for
their own sinister purposes,turning them into diabolical
instruments of destruction.
(07:23):
Invaders from Mars.
Weird, fantastic beings of asuper intelligence, ruling a
race of synthetic humans andpetting them against mankind's
dream to conquer the universe.
SPEAKER_16 (07:38):
Come on, step on it!
SPEAKER_18 (07:40):
Search every time, we gotta find one of the kids on
the current gives us things toget back here on the couple of
(08:53):
people.
SPEAKER_00 (09:09):
It was at the Mansfield Reformatory where they
filmed the Shawshank Redemptionand do Haunted Houses.
And I went down there for myfriend's birthday and uh we were
there, and uh the plan was todrink at a bar and then drink at
the haunted house and go drinkat another bar because we bought
fast passes, and we're like,we'll be in and out because we
got the fast passes.
(09:29):
But it turns out everybody elsethat went to the haunted house
also bought fast passes.
And when everybody has a fastpass, it's just the line.
So we were in line for likethree and a half hours, but
don't worry, we brought a ton ofbooze.
So we just got wasted.
(09:52):
And then I finally got up toshow my ticket, it's on my
phone, my phone dies, and theguy's like, Sir, if you don't
have a ticket, you can't comein.
I was like, Why would I wait inline for three and a half hours
if I have a ticket?
He's like, I don't know, man, Ihate this job, I just want to go
home.
And then I walk past him and acop stops me, and the cop's
like, hey, no ticket, you gottaget out of here.
(10:14):
And I was like, fine, but fuckyou.
And he's like, Well, now you'reunder arrest.
I'm like, you can't arrest mefor saying fuck you.
He's like, I can if you'redrunk.
I'm like, ooh, got me with hislegal mumbo jumbo.
So since I'm getting arrested, Iwas like, I might as well lean
(10:35):
into it.
So I was just like, you looklike fat John Cena, everyone can
see you.
Even his partner laughed atthat, like he didn't show it,
but he like turned, and you cansee his shoulders going like
this.
SPEAKER_06 (10:55):
Down in the lab.
You say I'm mad.
Well, maybe so.
But they want to stay and nevergo.
SPEAKER_13 (11:30):
Down in the lab, my toe bones connected to my foot
(12:13):
bow.
My foot bones connected to myheel bone.
My heel bones connected to myankle bone.
That's how they connected thosedry bows.
Do do do do do do do do do dodo.
SPEAKER_17 (12:28):
Sing it, Charlie, sing it.
SPEAKER_13 (12:33):
My knee bones connected to my fine bone, my
thigh bones connected to my hipbone, that's how they connected
those dry bones.
Do do do to do to do to do dodock with Dr.
Frankenstein is where my storystarts.
(12:54):
Everything I have may not bemine, but I'm a gentleman of
parts.
Black bones connect the tuma.
Shoulder bone, my shoulder bonesconnect the tuma.
Neck bone, my neck bone isbolded to my head bone, and
that's how Herman was born.
I was assembled, and that's howa Hermi Baby was born.
SPEAKER_15 (14:17):
May I speak to you for a moment?
Of course.
Sit down, won't you?
Thank you.
Thank you.
(15:30):
Fifty-four inch wide.
SPEAKER_07 (15:38):
Is that what you're telling me?
Wait, quick girl.
SPEAKER_16 (15:53):
The other night, about twelve o'clock, I thought
I'd go downstairs just to checkthe lock.
When I heard something in thehouse, I don't mean a mouse.
I swear they was spooks, spooks,spooks.
I know they was spooks, spooks,spooks, spooks, couldn't move,
(16:14):
just stood and stared.
I never was so scared.
The first spooks spoke and Iheard him speak.
He said, what say gonna make theback dog sweep?
We'll tease the cat and houndthe pump, raise our spirits up.
Oh lord of them spooks, spooks,spooks, don't scare me.
(16:34):
Old spooks, spooks, spooks,spooks.
You don't have to take my wood,but I hood, what I hood.
SPEAKER_07 (16:43):
The next spook, spooky said, Spoose we make the
fossil start to drip and makethe shutter shake.
You let me know just what youwant.
unknown (16:53):
This is my favorite haunt.
SPEAKER_07 (16:55):
Beware of them spooks, spooks, spooks, them
mischievous spooks, spooks,spooks, spooks.
I hate spooking, man.
I mean, that I've seen what Isee.
SPEAKER_16 (17:09):
A big spook spooky said, Spike my son.
He said, I'll show you how toscale up some fun.
But next time when you're well,see here, you make it the louder
and clear.
Watch out for them spooks,spooks, spook or those nasty old
spooks, spooks, spooks, spooks.
Maybe you don't think it's so,but I know what I know.
unknown (17:36):
Amen.
SPEAKER_18 (17:42):
Look down and pity.
You killed me.
SPEAKER_10 (18:12):
Each year the great pumpkin rises out of the pumpkin
patch that he thinks is the mostsincere.
He's gotta pick this one.
He's got to! I don't see how apumpkin patch can be more
sincere than this one.
You can look all around andthere's not a sign of hypocrisy.
Nothing but sincerity as far asthe eye can see.
(18:33):
It's the great pumpkin! He'srising up out of the fucking
patch!
SPEAKER_06 (18:49):
Hey, hunty, hunty, high.
Hey, high, hidey, high.
You didn't see me climb to thewindow.
Nobody had to open that door.
I just climbed right to the walland I want you one and all to
(19:12):
stand aside and let me have thefloor.
Take a look, I'm not such astranger.
You can tell me I'm not wanted,but the joints will still be
haunted.
Cause I'm the ghost of SmokeyJoe.
(19:33):
Remember when I kicked thebucket in my mansion up on
Strivers Row when they came andtook me off in the
zillion-dollar coffin.
Tell me, do you remember Minnie?
Yeah, we remember Minnie.
(19:56):
That frail I never found.
You never recognize your mini.
You mean to say that Minnie?
Quit kicking the gun around.
I got a date on my estate downin Haiti.
Call my chariot so I can go.
(20:17):
And shoot the boot you'rewalking.
Just tell her you've beentalking to the ghost of Smoky
June.
Yes, I remember Minnie.
She's that frill I never found.
(20:37):
You mean to say that, Minnie?
Quit kicking the gong around.
I got a dead on my stake down inHits.
And shift the boots you walk in.
Just tell her you've beentalking to the ghost of smokey.
Good evening and welcome to the holiday of
consumer problems.
For instance, the rubber sectioncomes off and the arrows become
dangerous.
We have with us tonight Mr.
Irwin Mainway, president ofMainway choice.
Mr.
Mainway, your companymanufactures the following
(00:27):
so-called harmless playthings.
Pretty peggy ear piercing setMr.
Skin Grafter, General Trump,Secret Police Confession Kit,
and Doggy Dentist.
And what about this innocentrubber doll?
Would you mark it under the nameJohnny Switchblade?
(00:49):
Depress his head.
And two sharp knives.
Mr.
Mainway, I'm afraid this is byno means a safe toy.
SPEAKER_01 (01:00):
Okay, I'm just going to correct you on one thing
here, okay?
First of all, the full name ofthis product that's appears in
stories all over the country isJohnny Switchblade Adventure
Punk.
No, I mean, uh, you know,nothing goes wrong.
It's just little girls buyingthem.
You know, they play games andmake up stories, nothing gets
hurt.
I mean, so uh Barbie uh takes aknife once in a while, okay?
I mean, uh, it's not permanent,I mean, as far as I can see, you
(01:22):
know.
SPEAKER_11 (01:22):
I see, fine, fine.
Well, we'd like to show youanother one of Mr.
Mainway's products.
It retails for$198, and it'scalled Bag of Glass.
Mr.
Mainway, this is simply a bag ofjagged, dangerous glass bits.
Yeah, right.
It's uh, you know, it's it's aglass, it's a broken glass.
SPEAKER_08 (01:50):
He's wrapped up tight, buddy, ready to go at the
midnight dance down in Cairo.
Down in the tomb where it's darkand deep.
The mommy woke up from athousand years' sleep.
He heard the beat and hecouldn't resist.
Unwrapped his feet and he shookhis face.
(02:11):
It's the mommy shuffle, dragyour feet.
unknown (02:15):
What do the mommy shuffle?
Can't be feet.
One step, two step, rattle thephone.
SPEAKER_08 (02:22):
The mommy shuffle, who shakes the stone.
SPEAKER_07 (02:28):
What do you want?
SPEAKER_08 (02:32):
The bandages lift and the crowd went wild.
Even Frankenstein's monstersmiled.
The wolfman howled and the gooseclapped hands while the mommy
danced to the desert stands.
It's the mommy shuffle, dragyour feet.
What do the mommy shuffle?
Can't be beat.
(02:52):
What do the one step, two-step,rattle of bones?
SPEAKER_14 (02:56):
The mommy shuffle shakes the stone.
My cousin hates Halloween.
He hates Halloween, boy.
I don't mind Halloween.
Our cat died two days beforethis year, so we left him in the
yard for extra decoration forthe cat.
You dress up for Halloween?
(03:18):
I did this year.
My buddy, I wanted to help himout.
He's got a health food business.
He started a little gym inthere, so I dressed up, put on a
dress, and went as a trans fat.
(03:46):
I always go with my kids drinkor treat.
You know, but here's theproblem.
I'm very flattered people dresslike me when they drink a drink.
But it's weird when I go,because I'm just hanging out
with my kids.
Then knock on the door, peoplelike, oh, look, little Batman,
little Superman.
Ah, Larry the cable guy, that'sgood costume.
Then I always hear somebody fromthe back of the room, who is it?
(04:07):
He dressed like Larry the cableguy.
SPEAKER_17 (04:08):
Then I hear, ah, that guy sucks.
SPEAKER_14 (04:13):
What the hell?
Next time I'm gonna go asFoxworthy, all right.
That's true.
I don't care if anybody thinkshe sucks.
SPEAKER_05 (04:55):
We body fatties just need to leave everything.
SPEAKER_02 (05:08):
You put up the back, wait, wait, don't move another
bother.
And please don't wake yourbrother.
SPEAKER_04 (05:17):
You get up at night, make it with you're gonna make
this a real ghost time.
SPEAKER_03 (05:32):
I never go that way again.
If you hear where I found, yougotta look all around.
Here come the boogey man.
SPEAKER_12 (06:04):
Invaders from Mars.
He saw them land from outerspace.
He saw them capture innocentpeople only to destroy.
Father turned against son.
People changed into strange,weird animals.
(06:28):
A general of the army becomes asaboteur.
Trusted police turned intoarsonists.
The boys' parents changed intokillers.
SPEAKER_09 (06:50):
But nobody's getting anywhere upstairs.
Nobody can locate anything.
Anybody.
The Martians, the clouds got thetrees.
SPEAKER_12 (06:59):
Invaders of Mars! Capturing humans at will for
their own sinister purposes,turning them into diabolical
instruments of destruction.
(07:23):
Invaders from Mars.
Weird, fantastic beings of asuper intelligence, ruling a
race of synthetic humans andpetting them against mankind's
dream to conquer the universe.
SPEAKER_16 (07:38):
Come on, step on it!
SPEAKER_18 (07:40):
Search every time, we gotta find one of the kids on
the current gives us things toget back here on the couple of
(08:53):
people.
SPEAKER_00 (09:09):
It was at the Mansfield Reformatory where they
filmed the Shawshank Redemptionand do Haunted Houses.
And I went down there for myfriend's birthday and uh we were
there, and uh the plan was todrink at a bar and then drink at
the haunted house and go drinkat another bar because we bought
fast passes, and we're like,we'll be in and out because we
got the fast passes.
(09:29):
But it turns out everybody elsethat went to the haunted house
also bought fast passes.
And when everybody has a fastpass, it's just the line.
So we were in line for likethree and a half hours, but
don't worry, we brought a ton ofbooze.
So we just got wasted.
(09:52):
And then I finally got up toshow my ticket, it's on my
phone, my phone dies, and theguy's like, Sir, if you don't
have a ticket, you can't comein.
I was like, Why would I wait inline for three and a half hours
if I have a ticket?
He's like, I don't know, man, Ihate this job, I just want to go
home.
And then I walk past him and acop stops me, and the cop's
like, hey, no ticket, you gottaget out of here.
(10:14):
And I was like, fine, but fuckyou.
And he's like, Well, now you'reunder arrest.
I'm like, you can't arrest mefor saying fuck you.
He's like, I can if you'redrunk.
I'm like, ooh, got me with hislegal mumbo jumbo.
So since I'm getting arrested, Iwas like, I might as well lean
(10:35):
into it.
So I was just like, you looklike fat John Cena, everyone can
see you.
Even his partner laughed atthat, like he didn't show it,
but he like turned, and you cansee his shoulders going like
this.
SPEAKER_06 (10:55):
Down in the lab.
You say I'm mad.
Well, maybe so.
But they want to stay and nevergo.
SPEAKER_13 (11:30):
Down in the lab, my toe bones connected to my foot
(12:13):
bow.
My foot bones connected to myheel bone.
My heel bones connected to myankle bone.
That's how they connected thosedry bows.
Do do do do do do do do do dodo.
SPEAKER_17 (12:28):
Sing it, Charlie, sing it.
SPEAKER_13 (12:33):
My knee bones connected to my fine bone, my
thigh bones connected to my hipbone, that's how they connected
those dry bones.
Do do do to do to do to do dodock with Dr.
Frankenstein is where my storystarts.
(12:54):
Everything I have may not bemine, but I'm a gentleman of
parts.
Black bones connect the tuma.
Shoulder bone, my shoulder bonesconnect the tuma.
Neck bone, my neck bone isbolded to my head bone, and
that's how Herman was born.
I was assembled, and that's howa Hermi Baby was born.
SPEAKER_15 (14:17):
May I speak to you for a moment?
Of course.
Sit down, won't you?
Thank you.
Thank you.
(15:30):
Fifty-four inch wide.
SPEAKER_07 (15:38):
Is that what you're telling me?
Wait, quick girl.
SPEAKER_16 (15:53):
The other night, about twelve o'clock, I thought
I'd go downstairs just to checkthe lock.
When I heard something in thehouse, I don't mean a mouse.
I swear they was spooks, spooks,spooks.
I know they was spooks, spooks,spooks, spooks, couldn't move,
(16:14):
just stood and stared.
I never was so scared.
The first spooks spoke and Iheard him speak.
He said, what say gonna make theback dog sweep?
We'll tease the cat and houndthe pump, raise our spirits up.
Oh lord of them spooks, spooks,spooks, don't scare me.
(16:34):
Old spooks, spooks, spooks,spooks.
You don't have to take my wood,but I hood, what I hood.
SPEAKER_07 (16:43):
The next spook, spooky said, Spoose we make the
fossil start to drip and makethe shutter shake.
You let me know just what youwant.
unknown (16:53):
This is my favorite haunt.
SPEAKER_07 (16:55):
Beware of them spooks, spooks, spooks, them
mischievous spooks, spooks,spooks, spooks.
I hate spooking, man.
I mean, that I've seen what Isee.
SPEAKER_16 (17:09):
A big spook spooky said, Spike my son.
He said, I'll show you how toscale up some fun.
But next time when you're well,see here, you make it the louder
and clear.
Watch out for them spooks,spooks, spook or those nasty old
spooks, spooks, spooks, spooks.
Maybe you don't think it's so,but I know what I know.
unknown (17:36):
Amen.
SPEAKER_18 (17:42):
Look down and pity.
You killed me.
SPEAKER_10 (18:12):
Each year the great pumpkin rises out of the pumpkin
patch that he thinks is the mostsincere.
He's gotta pick this one.
He's got to! I don't see how apumpkin patch can be more
sincere than this one.
You can look all around andthere's not a sign of hypocrisy.
Nothing but sincerity as far asthe eye can see.
(18:33):
It's the great pumpkin! He'srising up out of the fucking
patch!
SPEAKER_06 (18:49):
Hey, hunty, hunty, high.
Hey, high, hidey, high.
You didn't see me climb to thewindow.
Nobody had to open that door.
I just climbed right to the walland I want you one and all to
(19:12):
stand aside and let me have thefloor.
Take a look, I'm not such astranger.
You can tell me I'm not wanted,but the joints will still be
haunted.
Cause I'm the ghost of SmokeyJoe.
(19:33):
Remember when I kicked thebucket in my mansion up on
Strivers Row when they came andtook me off in the
zillion-dollar coffin.
Tell me, do you remember Minnie?
Yeah, we remember Minnie.
(19:56):
That frail I never found.
You never recognize your mini.
You mean to say that Minnie?
Quit kicking the gun around.
I got a date on my estate downin Haiti.
Call my chariot so I can go.
(20:17):
And shoot the boot you'rewalking.
Just tell her you've beentalking to the ghost of Smoky
June.
Yes, I remember Minnie.
She's that frill I never found.
(20:37):
You mean to say that, Minnie?
Quit kicking the gong around.
I got a dead on my stake down inHits.
And shift the boots you walk in.
Just tell her you've beentalking to the ghost of smokey.