QUICK TIPS: How Not to Take Things Personally

Episode Summary:
In this episode, Dr. Jeremy Pollack explores one of the most common emotional traps we fall into—taking things personally. Whether it’s a curt email, a dismissive look, or tough feedback, it’s easy to assume it’s about us. But in most cases, it’s not. Dr. Pollack breaks down why we take things personally, how it affects our nervous system and workplace relationships, and five practical strategies to stop the spiral before it starts.

What You’ll Learn:
✅ Why we’re wired to take things personally
✅ How to regulate your response with a simple breathing technique
✅ How to reframe negative assumptions with more balanced narratives
✅ Tools to stop mind-reading and start asking the right questions
✅ A daily practice to build unshakable internal confidence

Key Takeaways:

• Pause and Breathe to calm your nervous system before reacting.
  
  
• Reframe the Story and consider alternative explanations for others’ behavior.
  
  
• Don’t Mind-Read—you can’t know someone’s intent without asking.
  
  
• Ask Clarifying Questions to avoid unnecessary misinterpretations.
  
  
• Build Internal Confidence so others’ moods don’t shake your sense of worth.
  
  

Connect with Me

🌐 Website: PollackPeacebuilding.com

🌐 Dr. Pollack’s Courses: peacefulleadersacademy.com/courses/
📧 Email: [e-mail]
📱 LinkedIn: Jeremy Pollack  

📣 Subscribe & Share:
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#donttakeitpersonally #resentment #Peacebuilding #Leadership #ConflictResolution #offensive #Psychology

Host: Dr. Jeremy Pollack from Pollack Peacebuilding Systems

More from Dr. Pollack:

• Peaceful Leaders Academy
• Conflict Resolution Playbook: Practical Communication Skills for Preventing, Managing, and Resolving Conflict
• FREE e-book: The Ultimate 12-Step Guide to Coworker Mediation: Free Ebook - Pollack Peacebuilding Systems

Connect with Dr. Pollack on social media: Facebook | Twitter | YouTube | LinkedIn

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
welcome to Peace Building withDr.
Pollock.
This is a quick Tips episodewhere I explore the strategies,
psychology and interpersonaltools that help you build better
relationships at work andbeyond.
I'm Dr.
Jeremy Pollock.
I'm a social organizationalpsychologist with a specialty in
peace and conflict psychology.
I'm also the CEO of Pollock,peace Building Systems,
workplace Conflict Management,consulting and training firm.

(00:22):
Today we're diving into a topicthat hits close to home for many
of us, how not to take thingspersonally, whether it's a
sarcastic remark from a coworkeror getting left off an email
threat or.
Receiving blunt feedback fromyour manager.
It's easy to internalize others'behaviors as a personal attack.

(00:42):
But here's the thing, most ofthe time it's not about you.
So today we will look at how tostop taking things personally,
how to stay grounded in your ownworth and how to keep your
nervous system calm when someonetriggers that.
All too familiar defensiveness.
I first wanna dive into why wetake things personally.

(01:05):
Taking things personally is avery natural response.
Evolutionarily, we are wired toseek connection and avoid
rejection.
So when someone's behavior seemscold or critical or dismissive,
our brains often interpret it asa threat, but that ancient
wiring doesn't always serve us.

(01:25):
In modern work environments Mostof the time, people's behavior
reflects their internal state,not your value.
They might be stressed oroverwhelmed or insecure, or even
just unaware of how they'recoming off.
And when we realize that we canshift from taking things
personally to approachingsituations with curiosity and

(01:46):
compassion.
So let's go over a fewstrategies.
First strategy.
Let's start with somethingsimple, but very powerful.
Pause and breathe.
When someone says something andit just.
Doesn't sit well with you, or itstings you in some way.
Your nervous system jumps intofight or flight mode.
Your heart rate spikes, yourmind races, and you might feel

(02:10):
the urge to snap back or justshut down or just go into
rumination.
So instead pause and breathe.
It's really that simple.
Even though it's not that easy,you're simply going to take a
pause, commit to.
Not reacting, just responding atfirst and just take a deep

(02:32):
breath in through your nose,deep into your belly, and I
would say repeat that breath twoor three times.
Just a nice deep belly breath.
This helps regulate your nervoussystem and create space between
the stimulus, the thing that'shappening, and your response.
That space is where your realpower to respond effectively

(02:53):
lives.
Okay.
Strategy two, reframe the story.
Now I'm gonna use an example tohelp illustrate this strategy.
Let's say you walk into a teammeeting and your colleague
barely acknowledges you.
Your immediate thought might be,they're mad at me, or did I do
something wrong?

(03:13):
But let's zoom out for a moment.
What if you reframe the storyas.
They might be having a tough dayor they could be stressed or
distracted.
This isn't about excusing theirbehavior.
It's about protecting your peaceof mind.
And a really nice little tool toimplement with this is if you
put together and you kept amental list of alternative

(03:36):
explanations that you can justturn to whenever this kind of
thing happens when your brainsays it's about me.
Respond with two othernon-personal reasons, their
behavior could make sense.
Go to your list, take a look,which one of those things you
wrote down could actually makesense.
This takes some practice, butover time it helps to rewire

(03:56):
your default assumptions.
Okay, strategy three.
Don't mind read.
One of the quickest ways to takesomething personally is to start
mind reading.
We assume someone's silencemeans disapproval, or their tone
means judgment.
But the truth is, unless someonetells you what they're thinking,
you really don't know so just atip for you.

(04:20):
Adopt a mantra or make acommitment that sounds like
this.
I don't assign intent withoutevidence or the stories I'm
telling myself are notnecessarily true.
These kinds of mantras oraffirmations help you hold space
for uncertainty.
Rather than spiraling into somestory that leads you into self

(04:42):
blame or resentment.
Okay.
Strategy four, ask clarifyingquestions.
This is a powerful, but a lot oftimes underused skill.
Imagine your manager emails you.
It says something like, pleaserework this presentation.
It's not where it needs to be.
And that's all they say.
And that kind of feels abruptand very critical.

(05:04):
But instead of assuming theworst, you could respond by
saying something like.
Thanks for the feedback.
Can you share what areas you'dlike to see improved so I can
make sure to focus there?
This shows professionalism.
It opens communication, and ithelps remove ambiguity.
When something feels unclear orhurtful, try this formula.

(05:24):
Can you help me understand whatyou meant by.
Or just to clarify, did youmean, and then fill in the
blanks.
This invites dialogue and itgives people a chance to clarify
before you internalize theirmessaging.
Okay.
Last strategy, build internalconfidence.
Let's say you've just pitched anidea in a team meeting and the

(05:46):
room goes silent.
There's no reactions, nofeedback, just crickets.
That kind of moment can sendself-doubt into overdrive, but
if you've been actively buildinginternal confidence, you're more
likely to say, that doesn't meanit was a bad idea.
Maybe they're just stillthinking it over.
Right?
You're giving an alternativeexplanation that's more founded

(06:07):
on confidence and a positiveself-concept.
one thing you might try is asimple nightly journaling
exercise.
Even jotting something down eachevening, one thing you did well
today, one positive quality.
You showed one value, youupheld.
The goal is to root yourconfidence in your character and

(06:27):
your actions, not in others'reactions.
And when you trust your ownvalue, it's easier to let
others' behavior bounce off yourather than soak in.
All right.
A few reminders before we close.
Let's quickly recap.
Five strategies to help you stoptaking things personally.
First is pause and breathe,which regulates your nervous

(06:49):
system before responding.
The second, reframe the story,assume less blame and more
possibilities.
Number three, don't mind read.
Check the facts, not yourassumptions.
Number four, ask clarifyingquestions open and calm and
curious.
Dialogue number five.
Build internal confidence.
Trust your worth,, independentof others' attitudes.

(07:13):
These strategies aren't aboutignoring feedback or pretending
nothing affects you.
They're about choosing how yourespond and protecting your
peace in the process.
thanks for tuning into PeaceBuilding with Dr.
Pollock.
If this episode helped you andthink it can help others, please
share it.
For ongoing learning and toreally master your workplace
conflict resolution skills,consider joining my Peaceful

(07:33):
Leaders Club Club members, getaccess to exclusive content
coaching with me and my expert,conflict coaches, and my entire
online course library.
You [e-mail]
slash club or click on the linkin the show notes and if your
company needs training orconflict intervention or
mediation.
[e-mail] to

(07:55):
learn more about our services.
Until next time, take care ofyourself and each other.