June 13, 2022 • 30 mins
LOLOLOL right when you thought you had me allllll figured out. "That Jess, she got a a new job and suddenly doesn't have time for us anymore." THINK AGAIN! I may not have time (read: energy/patience/motivation) to edit a highly polished episode for you, but I always have tons to say. So here's a random Jess Thots episode on a Tuesday morning* because THERE ARE NO RULES.
Anyway. I don't know the next time you'll hear from me, but I promise I'll be back soon. Preferably when you least expect it again - like a dude you just got over who's craving attention because the girl he usually texts finally found a guy that treats her right, and his mom is busy at a conference or something.
*Correction: Monday night
IG: @peakingpodcast
Intro/Outro Music: "Have Mercy On Us" by Air Kid
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Surprise. It's a random Tuesday in June
(00:19):
and you haven't heard from me ina while but I decided to pop
back into your lives, unexpected, because I really
needed it. So, I don't know if this is the
last episode of season 2 or the First episode of season 3, or
just a random bonus episode. I don't know where we're at.
I've dropped the ball. We can all see it, but I'm here
now and I'm really excited to bechatting with you.
(00:40):
Again, adjust thoughts episode for good measure.
Without further Ado, let's jump into peeking, okay?
Actually really quick, before wereally jump into the episode
that intro that I just recorded sounded so much.
Like some dude, that's popping back into your life.
After he goes to do, it's like, hey, I just decided on this
random Tuesday in June. That I wanted to fuck up your
(01:01):
life. So sorry if that's the energy.
I'm giving off with this Random episode.
I hope it's not triggering. I hope we're all in a better
place than that in 2022 but yeah, that's never what I want
for you. Boo fam.
Okay, let's go. Let's get it.
Poof. Am do we even know each other
anymore? Will you still accept me into
your life? Oh my gosh, there's a tornado
(01:23):
outside. So there's definitely going to
be background noise. Well, that was oh, oh Mitch hey
guys, it's been a minute. It's probably been a month,
maybe longer than that. Who's really keeping track
anymore? This is what I decided today.
I decided that I've been feelinga lot of guilt that I have not
(01:45):
put up an episode of peeking in a while and that I haven't stuck
to my schedule ever since getting a new job.
And the guilt is not from you. It's from me.
I'm great at guilting myself. I grew up Catholic going to
Catholic school for 13 years. I know how to do the guilt
thing. It's very familiar, it's very
(02:06):
comfortable, so shit. Maybe you shouldn't be doing.
I mean, why wouldn't I be doing this right now?
I'm inside, but you guys are just going to hear thunder and
lightning. Maybe it's kind of a mood like
it would probably be weird if you're on a walk in beautiful
weather listening to this right now but if it's like the evening
and you're winding down and listening to my episode, then
(02:26):
Maybe it's kind of soothing Vibes.
Anyway, I'm going to keep going I was feeling guilty that I had
not addressed the public in a while and really the thing thats
hanging over my head is that it's taking me a long time to
edit and put together the episode on bodytalk, which is a
(02:49):
book by Katie sturino. I've talked about it a ton on my
Instagram and you guys remember I've mentioned throughout the
season that Older book club at this point months ago, it was in
March, it's now June held, a book club with some members of
the boo fam, where we all read that book.
And we talked about kind of whatwe took from it in terms of our
(03:10):
Journeys, with our own body acceptance and body positivity,
and just like a lot of really great conversation.
Honestly, we talked for like twohours.
And I can look back on that and be like hey that's the thing.
I accomplished I did have the book club and it did go well but
my intention was then to turn itinto an episode of peeking and
(03:33):
share it with the rest of the boof am.
And also get to feature some of my friends and family that join
the book club in the podcast andbe like, look how cool this is.
You there's a two-minute clip ofyou talking about your reactions
to this book. You're a podcaster now.
That was my whole vision for it and hey and I don't even know
(03:54):
right now. As I sit here talking whether
that's still going to happen or not going to happen.
It's definitely not off the table.
I'd still like to do that. But I'm feeling pressured to get
it done and it's kind of like the longer I put it off.
The easier it is to put off but also the more guilt I feel
because it's ridiculous. It's just quite an undertaking
(04:17):
in terms of editing and to be truthful I was supposed to do it
in April but a lot of other things got switched around with
different guests that I wanted to have on the show and with
applying for a new job and then getting that new job and it's
just been Not my priority. But I have been missing peeking
and missing the podcast and missing talking to you guys just
(04:38):
in like a jest thoughts, type offormat.
It's so funny because like a fewepisodes ago, I remember saying
I think I'm gonna do weigh less just thoughts, but it's turning
out that with how busy I've gotten just like, having a job
again and trying to have a life outside of that job and then
wanting to still do this. To actually just thoughts is
(05:01):
what's easiest and also what I miss the most.
So I'm going to stop telling youguys from now on and I've said
this before, but I'm literally going to stop telling you, like,
what's happening next week or next.
Month or whatever on my episode plan because I don't know.
(05:22):
I'm going to just do whatever I feel.
Like I know that the bodytalk episode is still out in The
Ether and it's still outstandingand I would love to give it to
you. but today's not the day I still want to talk to you though
and I think one of the things I realized about putting off that
episode is something I actually want to talk to you about, which
(05:46):
is that When we recorded that episode.
I was feeling really good about myself and my body.
I don't know why. Actually, I do know why, because
I had lost some weight because Ihave been consistently working
out. I was, then I still am now, but
(06:07):
I also was like, eating way lessand guess what?
I wasn't eating weigh less because I was being healthier
and kind of managing my intake in a healthy way.
I was eating less because I was really stressed and anxious,
mostly about my job, search, andthat results.
(06:29):
Usually I, this has happened to me many times in my life.
It results in just less of an appetite.
Like I kind of have a constant anxious tummy ache and it makes
me not want to eat. So I had lost some weight and I
was feeling Like cute and tight.And fit and whatever.
(06:50):
Hmm, I didn't even really realize at the time that that's
what was going on, but it is what was going on.
So I was much more able to talk about body acceptance when I
felt like I'm at a size that is good for me.
Then I got my job. Life started to get much busier.
(07:13):
It's harder to make sure I get to my workouts.
It's harder to keep track of what I'm eating /.
I'm just eating normally with myappetite which is the appetite
of a woman who loves to eat. And you know I've put back on
like the weight that I lost which was not a ton of weight,
but it's just that little extra cushion that we all carry, you
(07:37):
know, Like literally probably five pounds, it doesn't even
matter, but that's kind of come back.
And I'm more in the regular bodyand probably no one else
realizes it also, by the way. But I'm just not in the same
place where I'm feeling like, oh, I'm so fit and small and
tight and I've been depending onwhat I'm wearing, I'm feeling
(08:02):
good or not, so good about what I'm looking like that day and
depending on what I ate and depending on if I worked out and
all those factors that go into your mind and make you feel more
or less confident in your skin. And so then approaching this
episode that I recorded when I was in a much different place,
(08:23):
mentally a much, less healthy place, and physically less.
Me too. I mean, I got to be nutrition
nutrition in yourself. You gotta be taking in some
nutrition. Some nutrients.
Oh my gosh. I really wonder if this rain is
too loud. Hold, please.
Okay, I went to my bedroom. It's still going to be loud, but
(08:45):
we're here now. Yeah, so I just was in a much
different place with my body, and my taking care of myself.
Then then I am now. And both are fine.
Both are a part of life and a part of the Ebbs and flows of
(09:05):
everything that we all have to manage all the time.
So that's why I wanted to kind of share it with you because I
think it's really normal that I had that time period.
And now I'm having this time period, but I also wanted to
share it to you with you becauseI think it's the reason why It
didn't feel like II didn't feel like approaching the bodytalk
(09:28):
episode and re-listening to the book club and editing it and
then, spewing a bunch of my lessons learned about why I'm so
accepting of my body now to you all because I'm not I mean it's
I'm not the opposite of it, it just kind of changes all the
(09:49):
time and I haven't hacked. Get to the point where like it's
never something. I'm going to have to worry about
again and that's okay. So that's what I wanted to tell
you about it. But yeah, that's the reason that
one of the reasons that that episode has not come yet.
(10:11):
And you know what? It might not come ever the.
The book club still happened. And if you're listening to this
and you were in the book club, Ithank you so much for
participating. And we really did have a great
conversation. And I want to also, make sure,
you know, like nothing that I said in that conversation was
not true. It was inauthentic just because
(10:36):
I was feeling a different way than I am.
Now, doesn't mean that it wasn'ttrue.
Of what I was then. And we also talked a lot about
kind of childhood and things that have shaped our struggles
with our bodies and the way thatwe look and it was really
meaningful for all of you to share those experiences with me
(10:57):
and with the group that we created.
So it was really powerful and I'm, I really am glad that we
did it. But yeah, I don't know if I'm
going to do a whole episode. An approach it in the same way
that I thought I would, when I initially set out to do it.
Because I also thought that I would be sharing, kind of like
(11:19):
what I've figured out in terms of having a better relationship
with food and the work that I'vedone on that with my coach.
And while I think that there aresome things that I've learned
there and I'm definitely in a better place with it than I was
a year ago. I still feel like it's not right
(11:43):
of me to share that information with you as though it's like I
figured it out and now here's what you can take from my
experience because that's just not the truth.
So instead of doing that, I'm just telling you, I'm just in
peeking fashion, I'm just being vulnerable with you right now
(12:05):
about the fact that That stuff is so up and down.
Yeah, it's wild. And don't get me wrong, like,
don't you dare not one of you better, text me and say a
compliment about how I look or my body or something like fuck.
(12:26):
That don't do that. This is this.
This is not. I am never ever.
Ever like begging for a compliment.
I get plenty of compliments as it is for things that I actually
like, like, getting compliments for, and I don't have to ask for
them, but a bing but I don't need, that's not what I'm doing
here. So I know that you guys often
(12:46):
like listen to the podcast or see things that I post online
and you send messages that are super supportive and kind and
like checking in on me and I really appreciate it but it's
this weird thing where I'm like I don't deserve that like
nothing is actually wrong like nothing's actually that bad and
I don't want you guys to think that I'm not doing well because
(13:08):
I am doing well actually very well.
You're allowed to be doing well and We'll be kind of navigating.
Your acceptance of yourself, I think that's life.
I don't think there's ever a point where you figure that out
completely. You might be at a point where
you're feeling really good in your body but where you're
(13:29):
really stressed out because you can't get a job that you're
excited about. That was a call back to what I
was just talking about that. I was experiencing a few months
ago so it's like there's never apoint when everything is just
great and you're never working on any part of yourself and
you've just figured It all out. And I know this is so obvious
and we all know that, but I justfeel like it's important to say
(13:54):
right now. Maybe it's important for me to
hear. Anyway.
What else do I want to tell you?Maybe, I'll give you an update
on my job. So, It's good.
It's not amazing. But I didn't expect it to be
(14:16):
amazing. Did I?
I guess I didn't. It's not me like Getting paid to
do stand-up without having to work hard to get on a stand-up
stage because that's what my dream is.
If somebody would just plop me out of my bed right now, and
plop me onto a big stage. Oh sorry about that, I'm getting
(14:36):
texts. She's busy.
She's booked, she's popular. She has friends. yeah, so the
job is not like the dream job but it was never going to be the
dream job but it is a good job that There are a lot of great
things about it. I think sometimes it's hard to
(15:00):
remember those things in the day-to-day.
Because I'm like, this is kind of boring.
It's back to being on Zoom callsall the time like editing
documents and Excel spreadsheetsand whatever blah-di-blah but if
I think about the bigger pictureI'm getting really good
(15:20):
experience. I'm getting exposure to a lot of
different things and new people.Obviously I'm very privileged
and lucky to be making a good income and and kind of have that
side of Things, you know, through this job and benefits,
and all of that, that stuff. kind of, You know, assumed but
(15:43):
at the same time, not like, I don't want to take that for
granted and not call it out. And the companies really
mission-driven, and I can tie the work that I'm doing to like
impacts that are felt by people who need health care and so
that's really cool. But yeah, the day-to-day is kind
of like back to the Grind a little bit.
(16:04):
I mean I'm doing a lot better with kind of sticking to my
boundaries not overworking even if other people on my team are
overworking I'm sticking with myboundaries setting that
precedent from the beginning. I think I'm also doing a lot
better at like knowing that it'sNot, it doesn't Define me this
job, but I think that part's kind of confusing to me, because
(16:29):
it's like, I'm used to my job, defining, me.
And I know that's what I just worked for a year on, like,
undoing. But it's not as easy as it
sounds. Because your job is what you
spend. So much of your time doing it
shouldn't Define you, but I think it should align with you
(16:51):
and mine aligns with me in a lotof ways.
But there I think there's some missing pieces.
Like, I really don't feel like the job that I'm in right now
and there are probably opportunities at this company to
get more of what I'm about to say.
But the one the role that I'm currently in, doesn't really
give me the feeling of like, using my personality and kind of
(17:15):
like the performative elements of who I am.
And yeah, that's why I'm Talkingto you on this podcast right now
because this is my source of that.
So I came back to this because Ineeded to scratch the itch But
wouldn't it be great if I could use that at my job?
I don't need to be a podcaster. I don't need to be a performer
(17:36):
public speaker. I don't need to be like, The
person that does those types of things only but just being able
to use a little bit of that sideof myself.
I think would be nice and so far, I'm not really getting
that. I'm feeling like a bit in the
background, and that's definitely an adjustment.
(17:57):
So that's something interesting that I'm realizing.
But I'm also realizing that likemaybe there's a reason for that
and maybe it's kind of to allow me this time period 2.
Save up my energy and save up those parts of myself.
Like part of me wants to use my personality at work like be a a
(18:20):
Forefront person. That's like I don't even know
how to explain that. I just feel like right now I'm
in the background and I want to be in the Forefront because
that's the type of person I am. I've always been that way.
My parents were visiting me thisweekend and they were telling a
story of when I was a kid. I was in kindergarten and it was
the weekend and there was like an open house at my school, for
(18:43):
new students and their parents who had just been accepted, this
is a private school and my dad drove me to open house thinking.
Like, okay, I will just stop by there because all the current
students were welcoming the new students and we got there and
I'm just wearing probably like leggings and a t-shirt as a
five-year-old. You know, that cute 90s look and
(19:06):
My teacher comes up to my dad and he's like, oh thank
goodness. You guys are here like the
performance starts in whatever many minutes and my dad's like
what and the teachers like Jessica's singing at this
performance. Like for all these, for the new
students, it's the gym at our school is filled with like 500
people and I'm supposed to do a solo and I didn't tell my dad
(19:30):
that or my mom because I wanted to surprise them.
I think is the story. So anyway, my dad had to call my
mom and be like, bring Jessica more like suitable outfit
because she's performing and then my mom like a rushed and we
didn't live that close to this school at that time, it was a
whole thing. All of this to say it's just a
part of my personality. I've always wanted to be like on
(19:51):
the stage instead of in the crew.
And there's nothing wrong with being in the crew.
We need those people, but it's just not what?
I am at my core really it's not what like excites me and fires
me up and so I think that's whatI'm lacking from the job.
(20:14):
And yeah, I can try to get it outside of work, but I really
want to get it at work because it's so hard to do things
outside of work. You guys know.
That's why I left my job for a year.
I was like, I can't do the stuffI want to do, if I'm still bound
to my desk in the zoom calls allday.
(20:37):
And now that I'm back to it, it's really hard to keep these
side things going like the podcast and going to the gym as
much as I do and staying engagedwith my nutrition coach and
doing the volunteer program thatI'm a part of and having a
social life and all the other parts of life, it's really hard.
I'm just tired at the end of theday I just want to fuck in lay
(21:00):
around and face time my friends,I don't even want to see them in
person. I just want to FaceTime them
from my bed. That's not true.
I want to see you guys. Yeah, so that's what I'm lacking
from the job. But this is what I was getting
to. I feel like there's a reason
(21:21):
that right now, that's not what I'm doing, and I think it's to
conserve it for when it really counts like when it's something
that's really great for me, whether it's my own thing or
whether it's something at this job.
But like, there's gonna be an opportunity and I'm going to be
able to find that Niche for myself where I can scratch that
(21:44):
itch and like, use that side of myself at work and I It's okay
that right now I can't because the right thing hasn't come
along yet, and I feel like I'm so I'm such a millennial.
I'm so ingrained in like the world that Steve Jobs has
created for us, where we can geteverything at the click of a
button, and I just want immediate gratification all the
(22:08):
time. But I have to remember that it's
a process. That's my whole frickin brand
peeking. It's a journey.
Babe, I have to practice what I preach.
I just have to be patient reallyand just like not get down on
myself because I think what happens is like that side of
myself is not satisfied by my job and that's a really tough
(22:32):
pill to swallow. And then I'm like, okay well let
me turn to my hobbies and side hustles and social And whatever
to scratch that itch but I'm notreally doing that either right
now. I haven't been posting episodes
of peeking. It's been really hard actually
to even like have a as a rich ofa social life as I used to have
(22:55):
because everybody's getting covid every other week.
Like it's and I'm tired. I don't have the stamina for it
that I used to sew just and thenI get down on myself because I'm
like, okay. Well you told yourself that you
were going to do all these things outside of your job.
(23:16):
And you're not like, what the hell is up with that?
And it's a really difficult thing to come to terms with.
But I have to trust that there'sa reason and there's a path and
I'm going to figure out the right way to meld all this stuff
and make it manageable for my life and the things that I
(23:36):
prioritize. And I'm saying this out loud
right now to you, because I needto hear it.
So yeah, that's work. How are?
You know, it's good. I'm you guys know I'm so
(23:59):
painfully self-aware and introspective and like When I
talk about it on this podcast, Ifeel like it comes out dramatic.
It's just my like, truest stream-of-consciousness
thoughts. As they're coming to my brain,
just out through my mouth, like,some people journal.
And this is what works for me. And yeah, I feel like because
(24:25):
it's just raw and free-flowing and redundant.
A lot of the times and I go in circles and I'm kind of
spiraling, but it's like a healthy kind of spiraling.
It can sometimes come across as dramatic.
Like I don't want it to seem like I'm, I'm ungrateful for my
job or that I made the wrong choice.
It's not that at all, and I think Can't even said this in my
(24:46):
last episode, but it's been a month.
So none of us. Remember, right?
That's the best benefit of taking so long, I guess.
Yeah, I just want to be Crystal Clear, like With both, the
things that I've talked about today.
My body image stuff, and my new job.
I'm fine. Like, I'm good.
I am so good, but I'm not amazing.
(25:09):
And I am a perfectionist or a recovering.
Perfectionist. And I'm a woman raised in
America. We're we're expected to be
perfect all the time. This is a whole different topic.
I don't want to open that whole different topic.
All I want to say is like I'm good.
(25:32):
But I want to be amazing and I'mnot amazing yet.
I mean, I myself am of course, but these parts of my life Are
not there yet. They're not where I want them to
be and that's okay because that's the point of life.
You don't get to figure it out when you're 30, you don't, you
(25:53):
don't get to figure it out when you're 60.
I don't think so. I don't think you ever fully
figure it out. That's another thing that
worries me because I feel like I'm on such of a pursuit of I'm
in pursuit of a lot of things, like I want a lot from life and
I'm pursuing all of it. And I have this ongoing fear
(26:14):
that I'm never going to reach itbecause there's really nothing
to reach, you know, like we talkabout it all the time on
peeking. There's, there's no end.
Like, defined gold that you reach and then you're done.
But we're so trained to think that way that even though I know
(26:37):
that and when I'm talking to my friends and giving them advice
or talking to someone on this podcast and hearing about their
story, it's so natural for me tosay that to them.
But accepting it myself. like truly accepting it to the point
that I'm not having all this spiraling about where I'm
(26:59):
headed. And if it's where I want it to
be, and how soon is it going to come?
And then what's going to happen?The goalposts going to keep
moving. So why am I even that worried
about it? Yeah.
(27:21):
So, this was me. I don't know.
It's just thought this is how they work, right?
Thanks for being patient with meon the podcast.
I mean, ultimately, this is justmy audio diary, we say that all
the time, right? I think, I have a lot of ideas
(27:47):
for how I'd like to change peaking to be more.
What's the word I'm looking for to just work better with my life
now that I have a full-time job?I think.
I'm kind of out of guests ideas in my network.
I mean, I know a lot of people, I'm sure I could come up with
(28:09):
more but at the same time, I'm almost like over the format that
I was doing before. I think that we've covered a ton
of really awesome topics and howto really awesome people share
their stories and like it meant so much to me.
And it's such an amazing body ofwork.
(28:30):
That I'm really proud of, but I do think like, it's time to
switch it up and change the format and change the vibe a
little bit. There will still be just
thoughts. Probably I'm doing what I said I
wouldn't do which is giving you guys expectations and then who
knows if I'm actually going to fulfill them but I just like
(28:54):
telling you what I'm thinking about the podcast.
It's very possible that this It is my last for a while.
When I come back, it might be another episode like this.
It might be the bodytalk episode, it might be something
totally different. We'll figure it out together.
One step at a time but I do havea lot of ideas and I do want to
(29:16):
kind of re free Center. Refocus recalibrate around
peeking and make it a little bitof something different.
Now that my life looks differentand I have ideas.
It's just a matter of when it happens but I was feeling like I
couldn't even approach those ideas without giving you guys
(29:40):
one final episode and not final but like you know, one episode
that kind of ties a bow on things and lets you know, where
I'm at and what I'm thinking forthe future in general terms
because I don't like to leave you hanging.
So that's what this was. It was also my own processing.
(30:02):
And I'll be back, I don't know when, but I'll be back it might
be different in. Might be the same.
I'll be the same but I'll be changing because I'm always
changing because peeking. Okay, this is crazy.
Bye. You can find peaking at Peking
podcast on Instagram and we JessDeBakey your host at Jay-Z
(30:24):
DeBakey on Instagram. I have an email but nobody uses
it. I have a website but nobody
checks it so let's just keep To Instagram DME, or honestly, most
of you guys have my number. Text me, let me know what's
going on. Let me know what you think of
the episode. Let me know what ideas you have
for the future of peeking. Who knows?
Next time I'm going to talk to you but I'm looking forward to
(30:45):
it until then. Stay back.
What be a baddie. Okay, bye, boo, fam.
Surprise. It's a random Tuesday in June
(00:19):
and you haven't heard from me ina while but I decided to pop
back into your lives, unexpected, because I really
needed it. So, I don't know if this is the
last episode of season 2 or the First episode of season 3, or
just a random bonus episode. I don't know where we're at.
I've dropped the ball. We can all see it, but I'm here
now and I'm really excited to bechatting with you.
(00:40):
Again, adjust thoughts episode for good measure.
Without further Ado, let's jump into peeking, okay?
Actually really quick, before wereally jump into the episode
that intro that I just recorded sounded so much.
Like some dude, that's popping back into your life.
After he goes to do, it's like, hey, I just decided on this
random Tuesday in June. That I wanted to fuck up your
(01:01):
life. So sorry if that's the energy.
I'm giving off with this Random episode.
I hope it's not triggering. I hope we're all in a better
place than that in 2022 but yeah, that's never what I want
for you. Boo fam.
Okay, let's go. Let's get it.
Poof. Am do we even know each other
anymore? Will you still accept me into
your life? Oh my gosh, there's a tornado
(01:23):
outside. So there's definitely going to
be background noise. Well, that was oh, oh Mitch hey
guys, it's been a minute. It's probably been a month,
maybe longer than that. Who's really keeping track
anymore? This is what I decided today.
I decided that I've been feelinga lot of guilt that I have not
(01:45):
put up an episode of peeking in a while and that I haven't stuck
to my schedule ever since getting a new job.
And the guilt is not from you. It's from me.
I'm great at guilting myself. I grew up Catholic going to
Catholic school for 13 years. I know how to do the guilt
thing. It's very familiar, it's very
(02:06):
comfortable, so shit. Maybe you shouldn't be doing.
I mean, why wouldn't I be doing this right now?
I'm inside, but you guys are just going to hear thunder and
lightning. Maybe it's kind of a mood like
it would probably be weird if you're on a walk in beautiful
weather listening to this right now but if it's like the evening
and you're winding down and listening to my episode, then
(02:26):
Maybe it's kind of soothing Vibes.
Anyway, I'm going to keep going I was feeling guilty that I had
not addressed the public in a while and really the thing thats
hanging over my head is that it's taking me a long time to
edit and put together the episode on bodytalk, which is a
(02:49):
book by Katie sturino. I've talked about it a ton on my
Instagram and you guys remember I've mentioned throughout the
season that Older book club at this point months ago, it was in
March, it's now June held, a book club with some members of
the boo fam, where we all read that book.
And we talked about kind of whatwe took from it in terms of our
(03:10):
Journeys, with our own body acceptance and body positivity,
and just like a lot of really great conversation.
Honestly, we talked for like twohours.
And I can look back on that and be like hey that's the thing.
I accomplished I did have the book club and it did go well but
my intention was then to turn itinto an episode of peeking and
(03:33):
share it with the rest of the boof am.
And also get to feature some of my friends and family that join
the book club in the podcast andbe like, look how cool this is.
You there's a two-minute clip ofyou talking about your reactions
to this book. You're a podcaster now.
That was my whole vision for it and hey and I don't even know
(03:54):
right now. As I sit here talking whether
that's still going to happen or not going to happen.
It's definitely not off the table.
I'd still like to do that. But I'm feeling pressured to get
it done and it's kind of like the longer I put it off.
The easier it is to put off but also the more guilt I feel
because it's ridiculous. It's just quite an undertaking
(04:17):
in terms of editing and to be truthful I was supposed to do it
in April but a lot of other things got switched around with
different guests that I wanted to have on the show and with
applying for a new job and then getting that new job and it's
just been Not my priority. But I have been missing peeking
and missing the podcast and missing talking to you guys just
(04:38):
in like a jest thoughts, type offormat.
It's so funny because like a fewepisodes ago, I remember saying
I think I'm gonna do weigh less just thoughts, but it's turning
out that with how busy I've gotten just like, having a job
again and trying to have a life outside of that job and then
wanting to still do this. To actually just thoughts is
(05:01):
what's easiest and also what I miss the most.
So I'm going to stop telling youguys from now on and I've said
this before, but I'm literally going to stop telling you, like,
what's happening next week or next.
Month or whatever on my episode plan because I don't know.
(05:22):
I'm going to just do whatever I feel.
Like I know that the bodytalk episode is still out in The
Ether and it's still outstandingand I would love to give it to
you. but today's not the day I still want to talk to you though
and I think one of the things I realized about putting off that
episode is something I actually want to talk to you about, which
(05:46):
is that When we recorded that episode.
I was feeling really good about myself and my body.
I don't know why. Actually, I do know why, because
I had lost some weight because Ihave been consistently working
out. I was, then I still am now, but
(06:07):
I also was like, eating way lessand guess what?
I wasn't eating weigh less because I was being healthier
and kind of managing my intake in a healthy way.
I was eating less because I was really stressed and anxious,
mostly about my job, search, andthat results.
(06:29):
Usually I, this has happened to me many times in my life.
It results in just less of an appetite.
Like I kind of have a constant anxious tummy ache and it makes
me not want to eat. So I had lost some weight and I
was feeling Like cute and tight.And fit and whatever.
(06:50):
Hmm, I didn't even really realize at the time that that's
what was going on, but it is what was going on.
So I was much more able to talk about body acceptance when I
felt like I'm at a size that is good for me.
Then I got my job. Life started to get much busier.
(07:13):
It's harder to make sure I get to my workouts.
It's harder to keep track of what I'm eating /.
I'm just eating normally with myappetite which is the appetite
of a woman who loves to eat. And you know I've put back on
like the weight that I lost which was not a ton of weight,
but it's just that little extra cushion that we all carry, you
(07:37):
know, Like literally probably five pounds, it doesn't even
matter, but that's kind of come back.
And I'm more in the regular bodyand probably no one else
realizes it also, by the way. But I'm just not in the same
place where I'm feeling like, oh, I'm so fit and small and
tight and I've been depending onwhat I'm wearing, I'm feeling
(08:02):
good or not, so good about what I'm looking like that day and
depending on what I ate and depending on if I worked out and
all those factors that go into your mind and make you feel more
or less confident in your skin. And so then approaching this
episode that I recorded when I was in a much different place,
(08:23):
mentally a much, less healthy place, and physically less.
Me too. I mean, I got to be nutrition
nutrition in yourself. You gotta be taking in some
nutrition. Some nutrients.
Oh my gosh. I really wonder if this rain is
too loud. Hold, please.
Okay, I went to my bedroom. It's still going to be loud, but
(08:45):
we're here now. Yeah, so I just was in a much
different place with my body, and my taking care of myself.
Then then I am now. And both are fine.
Both are a part of life and a part of the Ebbs and flows of
(09:05):
everything that we all have to manage all the time.
So that's why I wanted to kind of share it with you because I
think it's really normal that I had that time period.
And now I'm having this time period, but I also wanted to
share it to you with you becauseI think it's the reason why It
didn't feel like II didn't feel like approaching the bodytalk
(09:28):
episode and re-listening to the book club and editing it and
then, spewing a bunch of my lessons learned about why I'm so
accepting of my body now to you all because I'm not I mean it's
I'm not the opposite of it, it just kind of changes all the
(09:49):
time and I haven't hacked. Get to the point where like it's
never something. I'm going to have to worry about
again and that's okay. So that's what I wanted to tell
you about it. But yeah, that's the reason that
one of the reasons that that episode has not come yet.
(10:11):
And you know what? It might not come ever the.
The book club still happened. And if you're listening to this
and you were in the book club, Ithank you so much for
participating. And we really did have a great
conversation. And I want to also, make sure,
you know, like nothing that I said in that conversation was
not true. It was inauthentic just because
(10:36):
I was feeling a different way than I am.
Now, doesn't mean that it wasn'ttrue.
Of what I was then. And we also talked a lot about
kind of childhood and things that have shaped our struggles
with our bodies and the way thatwe look and it was really
meaningful for all of you to share those experiences with me
(10:57):
and with the group that we created.
So it was really powerful and I'm, I really am glad that we
did it. But yeah, I don't know if I'm
going to do a whole episode. An approach it in the same way
that I thought I would, when I initially set out to do it.
Because I also thought that I would be sharing, kind of like
(11:19):
what I've figured out in terms of having a better relationship
with food and the work that I'vedone on that with my coach.
And while I think that there aresome things that I've learned
there and I'm definitely in a better place with it than I was
a year ago. I still feel like it's not right
(11:43):
of me to share that information with you as though it's like I
figured it out and now here's what you can take from my
experience because that's just not the truth.
So instead of doing that, I'm just telling you, I'm just in
peeking fashion, I'm just being vulnerable with you right now
(12:05):
about the fact that That stuff is so up and down.
Yeah, it's wild. And don't get me wrong, like,
don't you dare not one of you better, text me and say a
compliment about how I look or my body or something like fuck.
(12:26):
That don't do that. This is this.
This is not. I am never ever.
Ever like begging for a compliment.
I get plenty of compliments as it is for things that I actually
like, like, getting compliments for, and I don't have to ask for
them, but a bing but I don't need, that's not what I'm doing
here. So I know that you guys often
(12:46):
like listen to the podcast or see things that I post online
and you send messages that are super supportive and kind and
like checking in on me and I really appreciate it but it's
this weird thing where I'm like I don't deserve that like
nothing is actually wrong like nothing's actually that bad and
I don't want you guys to think that I'm not doing well because
(13:08):
I am doing well actually very well.
You're allowed to be doing well and We'll be kind of navigating.
Your acceptance of yourself, I think that's life.
I don't think there's ever a point where you figure that out
completely. You might be at a point where
you're feeling really good in your body but where you're
(13:29):
really stressed out because you can't get a job that you're
excited about. That was a call back to what I
was just talking about that. I was experiencing a few months
ago so it's like there's never apoint when everything is just
great and you're never working on any part of yourself and
you've just figured It all out. And I know this is so obvious
and we all know that, but I justfeel like it's important to say
(13:54):
right now. Maybe it's important for me to
hear. Anyway.
What else do I want to tell you?Maybe, I'll give you an update
on my job. So, It's good.
It's not amazing. But I didn't expect it to be
(14:16):
amazing. Did I?
I guess I didn't. It's not me like Getting paid to
do stand-up without having to work hard to get on a stand-up
stage because that's what my dream is.
If somebody would just plop me out of my bed right now, and
plop me onto a big stage. Oh sorry about that, I'm getting
(14:36):
texts. She's busy.
She's booked, she's popular. She has friends. yeah, so the
job is not like the dream job but it was never going to be the
dream job but it is a good job that There are a lot of great
things about it. I think sometimes it's hard to
(15:00):
remember those things in the day-to-day.
Because I'm like, this is kind of boring.
It's back to being on Zoom callsall the time like editing
documents and Excel spreadsheetsand whatever blah-di-blah but if
I think about the bigger pictureI'm getting really good
(15:20):
experience. I'm getting exposure to a lot of
different things and new people.Obviously I'm very privileged
and lucky to be making a good income and and kind of have that
side of Things, you know, through this job and benefits,
and all of that, that stuff. kind of, You know, assumed but
(15:43):
at the same time, not like, I don't want to take that for
granted and not call it out. And the companies really
mission-driven, and I can tie the work that I'm doing to like
impacts that are felt by people who need health care and so
that's really cool. But yeah, the day-to-day is kind
of like back to the Grind a little bit.
(16:04):
I mean I'm doing a lot better with kind of sticking to my
boundaries not overworking even if other people on my team are
overworking I'm sticking with myboundaries setting that
precedent from the beginning. I think I'm also doing a lot
better at like knowing that it'sNot, it doesn't Define me this
job, but I think that part's kind of confusing to me, because
(16:29):
it's like, I'm used to my job, defining, me.
And I know that's what I just worked for a year on, like,
undoing. But it's not as easy as it
sounds. Because your job is what you
spend. So much of your time doing it
shouldn't Define you, but I think it should align with you
(16:51):
and mine aligns with me in a lotof ways.
But there I think there's some missing pieces.
Like, I really don't feel like the job that I'm in right now
and there are probably opportunities at this company to
get more of what I'm about to say.
But the one the role that I'm currently in, doesn't really
give me the feeling of like, using my personality and kind of
(17:15):
like the performative elements of who I am.
And yeah, that's why I'm Talkingto you on this podcast right now
because this is my source of that.
So I came back to this because Ineeded to scratch the itch But
wouldn't it be great if I could use that at my job?
I don't need to be a podcaster. I don't need to be a performer
(17:36):
public speaker. I don't need to be like, The
person that does those types of things only but just being able
to use a little bit of that sideof myself.
I think would be nice and so far, I'm not really getting
that. I'm feeling like a bit in the
background, and that's definitely an adjustment.
(17:57):
So that's something interesting that I'm realizing.
But I'm also realizing that likemaybe there's a reason for that
and maybe it's kind of to allow me this time period 2.
Save up my energy and save up those parts of myself.
Like part of me wants to use my personality at work like be a a
(18:20):
Forefront person. That's like I don't even know
how to explain that. I just feel like right now I'm
in the background and I want to be in the Forefront because
that's the type of person I am. I've always been that way.
My parents were visiting me thisweekend and they were telling a
story of when I was a kid. I was in kindergarten and it was
the weekend and there was like an open house at my school, for
(18:43):
new students and their parents who had just been accepted, this
is a private school and my dad drove me to open house thinking.
Like, okay, I will just stop by there because all the current
students were welcoming the new students and we got there and
I'm just wearing probably like leggings and a t-shirt as a
five-year-old. You know, that cute 90s look and
(19:06):
My teacher comes up to my dad and he's like, oh thank
goodness. You guys are here like the
performance starts in whatever many minutes and my dad's like
what and the teachers like Jessica's singing at this
performance. Like for all these, for the new
students, it's the gym at our school is filled with like 500
people and I'm supposed to do a solo and I didn't tell my dad
(19:30):
that or my mom because I wanted to surprise them.
I think is the story. So anyway, my dad had to call my
mom and be like, bring Jessica more like suitable outfit
because she's performing and then my mom like a rushed and we
didn't live that close to this school at that time, it was a
whole thing. All of this to say it's just a
part of my personality. I've always wanted to be like on
(19:51):
the stage instead of in the crew.
And there's nothing wrong with being in the crew.
We need those people, but it's just not what?
I am at my core really it's not what like excites me and fires
me up and so I think that's whatI'm lacking from the job.
(20:14):
And yeah, I can try to get it outside of work, but I really
want to get it at work because it's so hard to do things
outside of work. You guys know.
That's why I left my job for a year.
I was like, I can't do the stuffI want to do, if I'm still bound
to my desk in the zoom calls allday.
(20:37):
And now that I'm back to it, it's really hard to keep these
side things going like the podcast and going to the gym as
much as I do and staying engagedwith my nutrition coach and
doing the volunteer program thatI'm a part of and having a
social life and all the other parts of life, it's really hard.
I'm just tired at the end of theday I just want to fuck in lay
(21:00):
around and face time my friends,I don't even want to see them in
person. I just want to FaceTime them
from my bed. That's not true.
I want to see you guys. Yeah, so that's what I'm lacking
from the job. But this is what I was getting
to. I feel like there's a reason
(21:21):
that right now, that's not what I'm doing, and I think it's to
conserve it for when it really counts like when it's something
that's really great for me, whether it's my own thing or
whether it's something at this job.
But like, there's gonna be an opportunity and I'm going to be
able to find that Niche for myself where I can scratch that
(21:44):
itch and like, use that side of myself at work and I It's okay
that right now I can't because the right thing hasn't come
along yet, and I feel like I'm so I'm such a millennial.
I'm so ingrained in like the world that Steve Jobs has
created for us, where we can geteverything at the click of a
button, and I just want immediate gratification all the
(22:08):
time. But I have to remember that it's
a process. That's my whole frickin brand
peeking. It's a journey.
Babe, I have to practice what I preach.
I just have to be patient reallyand just like not get down on
myself because I think what happens is like that side of
myself is not satisfied by my job and that's a really tough
(22:32):
pill to swallow. And then I'm like, okay well let
me turn to my hobbies and side hustles and social And whatever
to scratch that itch but I'm notreally doing that either right
now. I haven't been posting episodes
of peeking. It's been really hard actually
to even like have a as a rich ofa social life as I used to have
(22:55):
because everybody's getting covid every other week.
Like it's and I'm tired. I don't have the stamina for it
that I used to sew just and thenI get down on myself because I'm
like, okay. Well you told yourself that you
were going to do all these things outside of your job.
(23:16):
And you're not like, what the hell is up with that?
And it's a really difficult thing to come to terms with.
But I have to trust that there'sa reason and there's a path and
I'm going to figure out the right way to meld all this stuff
and make it manageable for my life and the things that I
(23:36):
prioritize. And I'm saying this out loud
right now to you, because I needto hear it.
So yeah, that's work. How are?
You know, it's good. I'm you guys know I'm so
(23:59):
painfully self-aware and introspective and like When I
talk about it on this podcast, Ifeel like it comes out dramatic.
It's just my like, truest stream-of-consciousness
thoughts. As they're coming to my brain,
just out through my mouth, like,some people journal.
And this is what works for me. And yeah, I feel like because
(24:25):
it's just raw and free-flowing and redundant.
A lot of the times and I go in circles and I'm kind of
spiraling, but it's like a healthy kind of spiraling.
It can sometimes come across as dramatic.
Like I don't want it to seem like I'm, I'm ungrateful for my
job or that I made the wrong choice.
It's not that at all, and I think Can't even said this in my
(24:46):
last episode, but it's been a month.
So none of us. Remember, right?
That's the best benefit of taking so long, I guess.
Yeah, I just want to be Crystal Clear, like With both, the
things that I've talked about today.
My body image stuff, and my new job.
I'm fine. Like, I'm good.
I am so good, but I'm not amazing.
(25:09):
And I am a perfectionist or a recovering.
Perfectionist. And I'm a woman raised in
America. We're we're expected to be
perfect all the time. This is a whole different topic.
I don't want to open that whole different topic.
All I want to say is like I'm good.
(25:32):
But I want to be amazing and I'mnot amazing yet.
I mean, I myself am of course, but these parts of my life Are
not there yet. They're not where I want them to
be and that's okay because that's the point of life.
You don't get to figure it out when you're 30, you don't, you
(25:53):
don't get to figure it out when you're 60.
I don't think so. I don't think you ever fully
figure it out. That's another thing that
worries me because I feel like I'm on such of a pursuit of I'm
in pursuit of a lot of things, like I want a lot from life and
I'm pursuing all of it. And I have this ongoing fear
(26:14):
that I'm never going to reach itbecause there's really nothing
to reach, you know, like we talkabout it all the time on
peeking. There's, there's no end.
Like, defined gold that you reach and then you're done.
But we're so trained to think that way that even though I know
(26:37):
that and when I'm talking to my friends and giving them advice
or talking to someone on this podcast and hearing about their
story, it's so natural for me tosay that to them.
But accepting it myself. like truly accepting it to the point
that I'm not having all this spiraling about where I'm
(26:59):
headed. And if it's where I want it to
be, and how soon is it going to come?
And then what's going to happen?The goalposts going to keep
moving. So why am I even that worried
about it? Yeah.
(27:21):
So, this was me. I don't know.
It's just thought this is how they work, right?
Thanks for being patient with meon the podcast.
I mean, ultimately, this is justmy audio diary, we say that all
the time, right? I think, I have a lot of ideas
(27:47):
for how I'd like to change peaking to be more.
What's the word I'm looking for to just work better with my life
now that I have a full-time job?I think.
I'm kind of out of guests ideas in my network.
I mean, I know a lot of people, I'm sure I could come up with
(28:09):
more but at the same time, I'm almost like over the format that
I was doing before. I think that we've covered a ton
of really awesome topics and howto really awesome people share
their stories and like it meant so much to me.
And it's such an amazing body ofwork.
(28:30):
That I'm really proud of, but I do think like, it's time to
switch it up and change the format and change the vibe a
little bit. There will still be just
thoughts. Probably I'm doing what I said I
wouldn't do which is giving you guys expectations and then who
knows if I'm actually going to fulfill them but I just like
(28:54):
telling you what I'm thinking about the podcast.
It's very possible that this It is my last for a while.
When I come back, it might be another episode like this.
It might be the bodytalk episode, it might be something
totally different. We'll figure it out together.
One step at a time but I do havea lot of ideas and I do want to
(29:16):
kind of re free Center. Refocus recalibrate around
peeking and make it a little bitof something different.
Now that my life looks differentand I have ideas.
It's just a matter of when it happens but I was feeling like I
couldn't even approach those ideas without giving you guys
(29:40):
one final episode and not final but like you know, one episode
that kind of ties a bow on things and lets you know, where
I'm at and what I'm thinking forthe future in general terms
because I don't like to leave you hanging.
So that's what this was. It was also my own processing.
(30:02):
And I'll be back, I don't know when, but I'll be back it might
be different in. Might be the same.
I'll be the same but I'll be changing because I'm always
changing because peeking. Okay, this is crazy.
Bye. You can find peaking at Peking
podcast on Instagram and we JessDeBakey your host at Jay-Z
(30:24):
DeBakey on Instagram. I have an email but nobody uses
it. I have a website but nobody
checks it so let's just keep To Instagram DME, or honestly, most
of you guys have my number. Text me, let me know what's
going on. Let me know what you think of
the episode. Let me know what ideas you have
for the future of peeking. Who knows?
Next time I'm going to talk to you but I'm looking forward to
(30:45):
it until then. Stay back.
What be a baddie. Okay, bye, boo, fam.
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