1 Privacy & secrecy: A boost or bust for finding closeness

We all have needs: real, legitimate, have-a-right-to-have-them needs. One of these needs is for closeness. Another need, it turns out, is to have privacy. It’s not hard to imagine that these two can be tricky to weave together. Privacy, then, is not a nice-to-have, but a need-to-have. Being oblivious to this reality, we may find ourselves alone and then immediately set about cluttering up our inner landscape with noise So where does secrecy come in? Take apart any secrets and we’ll find the wish to hide something that we think will be unpalatable to someone…

We may rationalize our secrets by saying, “If I reveal myself, I won’t be understood,” or “People will criticize me unfairly”…In truth, when we’re standing in truth—or attempting to get to the bottom of it—we’ll make an effort to help others understand…

What’s happening when we keep secrets is that we fear we’re not in truth. Better yet, we often know we’re not but we have no intention of changing. So then we’re really being dishonest…And hey, we also sort of like the way it keeps things lopsided. We don’t have to work at finding equitable, honest solutions that allow others to participate in the party. That’s how secrets become such killjoys for relationships. And that’s why secretive people are never emotionally fulfilled…

Even the interactions between countries are often enormously impacted by secretiveness…Opaqueness, it is believed, makes for sound diplomacy…Just as individuals need to go through the painstaking process of learning to be open, so must countries…We can’t get to peace and harmony any other way. It’s like trying to live life while projecting a false version of ourselves, basically saying, “Please see me only as I pretend to be.” It’s going to be hard to forge an authentic, trusting connection on top of that.

Listen and learn more.

Read Pearls, Chapter 1: Privacy vs. Secrecy: A Boost or Bust for Finding Closeness

Read Original Pathwork® Lecture: #252 Privacy and Secrecy