May 12, 2024 • 50 mins
Have you ever questioned what peace truly means to you or considered the sacrifices you're willing to make for it? In our latest episode, we embark on a profound journey to understand the elusive nature of tranquility and its intimate connection with happiness. Our spirited discussion peels back the layers of personal growth, self-awareness, and emotional load sharing.
Remember, your Perch isn’t just a place to sit; it’s a place to seek a higher perspective.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:07):
Good day, perch people.
We're back.
I feel like it's been foreverForever, toby.
What was that?
I am telling you.
I miss you guys so much.
First, I want to apologize, um,life has been lifing and if you
want to know what that means,sorry, did you just?
(00:28):
No, I didn't.
What was that?
I think anywho, um, it's justbeen.
You know a lot, but we're here,we're back, um and better than
ever, and soon we'll be leavingagain and heading north.
So don't think we're gettingrid of our studio, or Phil.
We just, you know, fly northfor the summer.
So thank you, and thank you forjoining us.
(00:51):
This topic today may take aminute to digest.
I gave it to Toby and he waslike I'm going to need some
context with that.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
I'm trying to get all the levity out because it's a
pretty heavy topic.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
But I gave it to my youngest child and she got it
right away and she didn't needcontext.
But when I gave it to you, youneed context.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
I am O-L-D-E and I'm old.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
Okay, so today's topic is how much is your peace
worth?
And I pushed this around andlet me give credit to Toby.
Toby is a true ride or die,because I change topics like
three times.
Don't ever do it, thank God.
Most people probably listen tothe audio and now watch the
(01:32):
video of this.
I didn't punch that, don't I?
They don't have to see yourshenanigans.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
That's true, my tomfoolery.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
Just glad you didn't say coonery, because then that
would be.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
Couldn't do that.
I know that's a separateepisode, a problem, that's true.
Speaker 1 (01:44):
Absolutely.
But back to your piece.
So how much is your piece worth?
I the reason why I strugglewith this and I kept pushing it
off and pushing off.
I've been very intentional withPERCH, because PERCH is, for
those of you who are tuning infor the first time, it's an
acronym, it's PAUSE, evaluateResponses to pause, evaluate
responses to circumvent harm.
And so I really don't like todeal with topics.
(02:07):
Why I'm in the thick of it?
Because it's hard to beunbiased.
So, and I've been seeing a lotof protecting your peace,
protecting your environment, andwhat does this mean?
And so the reason I chose tocall to label this one how much
is your peace worth?
Because I do believe you know,when we put things in context
(02:29):
and put things in value, youkind of see it from a different
perspective.
So, toby, before I kick off toyou, I just want to read this up
, because it's been a whilesince we listened to Mr Merriam.
Now we know that Merriam is aman.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
He is a dude.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
The definition of peace is a state of tranquility
or quiet, freedom fromdisquieting or oppressive
thoughts or emotions.
That's the noun.
Peace as a verb is in a stateof concord or tranquility, or to
be, become or keep silent orquiet.
I read this and this issomething I bought into the
(03:08):
forefront for me.
It says when you're traumatizedsomeone, when you traumatize
someone, it usually takes twoyears of consistent behavior to
get them to trust that they'resafe with you.
Again, it's called emotionalwounds and all emotions are now.
And I had to sit with that.
(03:29):
And when he said all emotionsare now, that really resonated
because it's fact, it's truewhen you're dealing with things.
So, before I go into where Iwas going with this, did you
want to chime in?
I have no idea where you'regoing.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
I know you don't know where I'm going.
It Did you want to chime in.
I have no idea where you'regoing.
I know you don't know where I'mgoing.
It's going to be an adventure,I mean.
The only thing that I couldtake away from that piece is
that, just simply, this is anunusual time where we're really
being kind of buffeted by all ofthese different emotions that
are being brought on.
Some of them are being broughton very purposefully and that's
(04:07):
kind of what I'll talk aboutwhen I get a chance and a lot of
our well-being is beingdisrupted by purposeful
activities that are going on,and so people are actually
trying to elicit a certain senseof unease about people and and
the the direct byproduct of somany things that have happened
(04:29):
over the last couple of yearsand we'll talk about some of
them are this you know this,this, this fact that I think
you're going to get into.
So, um, let's go let's do it.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
Let's do it.
I thought we were doing it, weare okay so keep the piece a
couple things that I to addressand I really want to ask
everyone and we'll try to pack alot in and keep it as short as
possible to stay tuned to theend, because I do have some
points.
Because the assumption iseveryone assumes they know what
(05:01):
peace is for them, and that'sthe assumption.
Because it seems verysimplistic.
But when I read this too, itsays your peace is your natural
right, it is inherently yours.
We are at peace when you are.
You're at peace when you're ababy.
Anything that can make you feellike you have lost your peace
(05:24):
comes at a price.
The price is your peace, whichis priceless.
Men spend millions of dollarstrying to find peace every year,
but unfortunately peace cannotbe bought.
So if millions of dollarscannot buy peace, it must be the
most valuable thing in theuniverse.
Speaker 2 (05:43):
Hey, can I ask a question?
What's the difference betweenpeace and happiness?
Speaker 1 (05:48):
Right, Okay, so let me just finish this.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
And then I hear you You're reading that and I felt
like I could have replaced peacewith happiness, in like every
one of those sentences.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
And I understand that .
Speaker 2 (05:57):
I'm just trying to understand what the difference
is.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
Can I be happy?
Speaker 2 (05:59):
and not be at peace.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
Can I finish this and ?
And we could talk about thedifference between well, okay,
since you asked so nicely nowsee, then you messed them up
because I was in the middle ofwhat I was saying it, so I'm
just gonna pick my room for thispart.
So millions of dollars cannotbuy you peace.
It must be the most valuablething in the universe.
Then if anything causes you tolose your peace, then your value
(06:24):
then, and this then and this ismy definition not there, so
this is where I quote it Thenthat says that your value is
external.
You value the external over theinternal, because in order for
something or someone to valuethat's outside of yourself to
disturb your peace.
So it goes back to that.
(06:45):
We talked about this in apodcast before I remember the
topic.
The African proverb if theenemy, if there's no enemy
inside of us, then the enemyoutside can do us no harm.
So to me I apply that that sameprinciple.
So we, for those of you watching, don't know when this will air,
but we know recently too, inthe news that Miss Teen, usa
(07:08):
resigned two days after Miss USAresigned, and they both have
NDAs, so it's a lot ofspeculation.
But one Miss USA did state thatyou know it was her, you know
putting her mental well-beingand physical well-being, you
know overall.
And she was like if you don'thave that yes, that was Toby
(07:29):
phone going off If you don'thave that, you don't have
anything.
So there comes this point and Iknow you and I have talked
about it a lot.
You see it, simone Biles did it, and I remember I talked about
this on an earlier podcast.
When Simone Biles did it, I wastraveling for business, went
out to dinner with some peoplewho were furious that she wasn't
(07:52):
representing the USA and Ithought what balls.
First of all, this is somethingthat someone just from the
outside, we don't have to knowher story, we don't have to know
her journey.
One thing we know is we shouldall be able to agree on it takes
a lot of training and a lot ofdedication to get to Olympic
status.
(08:12):
We just know that we don't haveto be in there and to get
that's a lot of sacrifice.
It's a lot of, you know,denying yourself.
It's a lot.
So for her to do that, it musthave been really serious.
So how dare you, you know,judge anyone for making a
personal decision on putting youknow their self first?
And so my other question is andthen I'll leave this for Toby,
(08:41):
I think, because it's so trendynow to say it I get concerned
that we haven't put context onwhat that means, because in
order for you to protect,something means first of all,
you have to have it.
You can't protect what youdon't have.
(09:01):
So if you're protecting yourpeace, you must be at peace to
protect it.
And my daughter says somepowerful I'll tell you about
that later, towards the end,when I bought this up, but
that's why I'm on it.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
I don't want to Well, excuse me.
I mean, I guess there's a lotof pieces at work there, but the
reality is that when it comesto certain things, it's hard to
necessarily know intention,right, I mean?
And everybody comes at theirown.
And that's why I asked you thehonest question what is the
(09:30):
difference between happiness andpeace?
And can you have peace withouthappiness?
And can you have happinesswithout peace?
Because I think a lot of peoplego through life thinking
they're happy and, as you said,what makes them happy?
They have a beautiful house,they're married, they have kids.
They have a beautiful house,they're married, they have kids,
they have a great job, theymake a lot of money, and maybe
that drives happiness, but atthe end of the day, are they
(09:51):
really at peace?
Speaker 1 (09:52):
But I think so I'm glad you brought that up and I
just want to add this toeverything you name was external
.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
And peace is internal .
Speaker 2 (10:02):
Right.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
But that's the point.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
And you hear these stories about people and they
commit suicide or do terriblethings to themselves and the
first thought is, well, theyseem so happy, everybody says
that they seem so happy, andeven couples that get divorced
they seem so happy, and thereality is sometimes I wasn't at
peace, so I would contend thatpeace and happiness are not the
(10:25):
same thing.
It's funny when you mentionedthe other day that you were
going to open by talking aboutthese two young ladies that felt
so much pressure to themselvesthat they stepped down.
I don't know if you know this,but about three years ago a Miss
America killed herself.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
I know, that's why I'm here.
Do you have that story?
Speaker 2 (10:43):
Yes, so amazing story .
Talk about an overachiever.
This young lady literally hadher MBA.
She graduated from collegeearly.
She won Miss I want to say Iforget which state it was and
then she won Miss America, missUSA, miss USA, thank you, and
her mother.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
Chelsea.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
Crystal, thank you.
And her mother knew there wassomething going on, because her
mother would say, slow down,slow down.
Chelsea called one day and said, mom, I just tried to commit
suicide.
And her mother was like but youhave everything, how could you?
You know, look at all thethings you've done to your point
, all of these external things,all these.
And she said it's not enough.
I don't feel like I'm worthy, Idon't feel I can catch up, I
(11:28):
don't feel I can catch my breath, and these were things that her
parents were pushing on her.
And then we can talk about thepressure we put on our kids to
be successful.
But these were internalmotivations and eventually she
finished up killing herself.
And, as kind of a swan song,her mother published a book that
she had been writing thatspeaks to how to try to find
(11:51):
that inner peace.
But it was a horrible story.
I read it the other day.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
And let me just put a little more context to that too
.
So again, I would never try to,you know, figure out why people
do the way they do.
We all have pressure bus pipesand we know that, and everyone
has their boiling point.
But at the same time I rememberthat specifically because she
(12:18):
not only did she make Miss USA,it was it they kept calling it
the trifecta that that yearthere was three black pageant
winners in different categories.
So they, they were literallykind of and I don't want to
belittle it at all, but paradingthem around as if, wow, so it's
(12:39):
, it's, it's pressure on top ofpressure on top of pressure.
Because it's like you make ahistory, you're doing things
that you know.
So only God knows you know thestory.
So I'm not going to try to getthere and try to surmise, but
it's so many levels to pressureand it's so easy to go back.
And I'm going to even bringColin Kaepernick in here because
I remember when ColinKaepernick was going through
(12:59):
what he was going through.
I remember when ColinKaepernick was going through
what he was going through,there's somebody I personally
know that met his parents in astadium like literally sat next
to his parents in a game and hadan opinion about how he had no
(13:19):
right to do what he was doingbecause his parents were good
parents.
I say, first of all, he's agrown man.
You don't know his story.
This is not about his parentsand you literally had what they
say hi and you may have saidexchange two words and you know
his journey.
And the reason I bring ColinKaepernick in is because, again,
people picked parts of hisstory that was applicable to
(13:44):
them or to state their case,when Colin Kaepernick was
getting it from black people, hewas getting it from sports
people, he was getting it fromall sides.
Some people like Stan sit go allof that pressure and for him to
continue to do that says a lotabout his character to say I'm
going through all of thisadversity, I'm going through all
(14:07):
of these things and I still andI think that people don't
understand the pressure thattaking a stand, even for
yourself, gives.
So Colin Kaepernick is on alarge scale.
We majority of us won't have totake stances in such a public
eye.
But that goes back to ourpersonal stance when and I read
(14:29):
this and I and I and I tie thisto them and I was like wow, it
said, outgrowing people with thesame bloodline as you is the
worst pain to go through andit's one of those things that
that's another level of thingswe go through with family,
because it's like you can't walkaway from.
(14:50):
You know it's bad Look if yourchildren bring you pain and you
stop.
Well, you know.
Or it's a bad look if yourparents give you, you know, all
this trauma and this pain butyou're supposed to tell yourself
well, they're mom or dad, so Igot to engage, or siblings or
aunts, uncles, all of it.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
Well, I mean, I want to go to the Colin Kaepernick
situation for a second, becauseyou could argue that that showed
courage.
Or you could argue that thatbrought him peace by making a
stand that he felt he had tomake, and that's fine.
I believe in individualresponsibility.
And if you felt he had to makeand that's fine, I believe in
individual responsibility and ifhe felt individually
responsible to do that, that'sgreat.
(15:29):
And I think that people have toappreciate that other people
have also individualresponsibility and they can take
the position that they don'tfavor that and I'm all for that.
I think that people should beallowed to self-express in a
manner that it doesn't impactother people's ability to
self-express.
So, you know, if he chose inhis manner to reflect his
(15:50):
thoughts in one manner, otherpeople can disagree with that
and they could disagree with itin their own manner.
But I think that if what you'resaying is that allowed him to
achieve inner peace and he saidyou know, I feel better about
myself because I stopped doingsomething that I didn't believe
in, that's cool, as long as herespects the fact that other
people might be pissed off athim doing that no.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
So I, I really, really want us to look at this
deeper.
And I chose two extremes for areason because I can't speak for
colin kaepernick.
I never met the man.
I don't know why he chose.
If it was for peace, I I don'tknow why he chose to do that.
What I'm saying is about apaying a cost.
(16:32):
You know, when you havedisruption and when you have
things that that's internally,that you know, I just can't take
this anymore.
I just have to take a stand.
His stand was taken a knee, andso what I'm saying is when we
take steps because to protectyour peace, that comes at, I'm
(16:53):
saying, comes at a cost and whenyou take a step, a lot of times
what, what we, we don't want topay that cost Meaning.
I know there are toxic peoplein my life.
I know my job is toxic.
I know my marriage is toxic.
I know my children, whateverthat toxicity is, the cost of
(17:15):
letting it go a lot of peopledon't want to deal with.
So they sit there in a pain.
But you know, and it's hard, soI'm saying he paid a premium
cost, and was it worth it orwhatever the case may be, only
he knows.
Right.
But what I'm saying is there isa cost and and sometimes I
think that, and not that it'sever as high as it is, but I
(17:40):
think it's worth the evaluation,because to have peace means
that sometimes it's lettingpeople go, it's shaking some
things off, you know, becauseyou have to let go.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
I just want to make sure, when we're protecting
something, make sure we'reprotecting peace the other thing
, too, is there's a certaindegree of self-awareness that
has to take place to know whatactually is disturbing your
inner peace, if you will,because our lives are very
complicated whether it's job,work, family, friends and
sometimes we just feel generallydissatisfied, right, we just
(18:12):
don't feel like our life isgoing the way we wanted it to go
, or things aren't reallyworking the way we expected them
to, and sometimes it's hard tokind of do that dissemination
and say, you know, no, mypersonal life is good, I don't
see an issue there, but I see myunhappiness being my
relationship with my kids, andthat really, you know, when I
(18:32):
think about that, that's reallywhere I get a lot of agita, and
you know this occurs and it'sreally hard to then, once you've
actually identified it, toactually go do something about
it, because sometimes you haveto take a giant step backward
before you can ever take a stepforward, right, I mean, divorce
is a perfect example.
We've both been through this.
You know it's easy to stay inthe status quo and say you know,
(18:54):
as I say to you all the time,hope is not a strategy.
I hope it gets better, I hopewe can get through this, I hope
this will work out okay.
And the reality is you've gotto look at the pattern and say
you know, I'm not happy now.
What makes me believe a yearfrom now I'm going to be any
happier?
So sometimes you've got to dosome really difficult things,
you know.
Your Kaepernick analogy, youknow, is a one where I know it's
(19:23):
not going to be popular, I'mgoing to upset the status quo,
but hopefully, coming out of theother end, you do achieve what
you're looking for.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
I think that's part of the journey, and so I do have
some steps for us to thinkabout, but I think we don't have
to be on this planet too long.
Even children You've heard andmost all of us have noticed you
have some kids.
When you go over to an in-lawhouse, they're like I don't like
going to my uncle's house.
I don't like going to myauntie's house and we dismiss
(19:48):
that because your kids say shutup and get in the car.
But that's where it starts andwe're laughing, but it's serious
because something intuitivelyis telling them that something
is a disconnect.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
Kids are wonderfully honest.
It's great.
Speaker 1 (20:17):
But this is make me comfortable, I don't want to do
it.
Then with age and progression,it's so much easier.
But we're taught to regress, topush it down, let it go, you'll
be fine.
And I had to tell Toby I haveto be honest myself.
I'm old school, you know, and Iand I didn't even realize how
(20:38):
deeply embedded suck it upbuttercup was in my DNA.
You know you don't have to like.
Nobody promised you a rosegarden.
We had all of these songs comingup.
You know, keep your chin up,you know, and just take it.
You know, power through, and.
And so we do that.
And then I remember being inmanagement at a young age and I
(21:01):
saw these people, when I gotolder, start coming in and they
wanted their job to give themfulfillment and joy and
happiness.
And I'm not going to lie.
I was like but your job is notsupposed to, your job is
supposed to sustain you, to makesure you could pay your bills
and live, and it was beingaround young people and and
having young children and.
(21:22):
And they're pushing back at mesaying well, why, why can't the
goal be to have vote?
Speaker 2 (21:27):
why shouldn't I be working for something that I
love to do but it fulfills mebecause if I I said, that's fair
yeah, and I mean I hear you andI think you've swung the
pendulum a little further thanI've gotten yet, and I
understand that we wanteverything to be sunshine, roses
and cupcakes, and there arethings in life that aren't
necessarily things that fulfillus.
Speaker 1 (21:45):
Why do you say it like that, though?
Speaker 2 (21:46):
Because not everything in life is going to
fulfill us.
There are things that we haveto do that are unpleasant in
life, whether we like it or not.
We don't go to funerals for fun, right, we do them because they
are a thing that's importantfor us to memorialize a person
who we loved or cared for.
It's not like we go off to thefuneral, I mean.
(22:07):
So there are things in lifethat are not pleasant, and
that's the nature of it.
So I think we need to becareful when we get too carried
away that says all we want to dois fun stuff and it's
interesting.
I mean, I'll give you.
I know you're giving me thatlook, but it's like when I used
to tutor with fifth and sixthgrade classes and I would say to
(22:28):
kids and I've done it over thecourse of a decade when 10 years
ago I did it, I'd say to kidswhat do you want to be when you
grow up?
And it was, she was fireman,doctor, police officer, all
those kind of things.
No, strippers, no, no.
Nobody ever said no, none ofthem were named bambi.
So, but over the last couple ofyears they've all now said oh,
I want to be a social mediainfluencer or I want to be a
(22:49):
video game player and it's likewhat happened to like and I'm
going to get myself in trouble.
Real jobs, you know, where youactually did something and added
value to the world, instead ofthings like this.
I mean, it's so, first of all,hold on, you don't?
Speaker 1 (23:04):
do that anymore.
No, that's Atari.
You do this right or you dothis First of all.
What's this real jobs?
Speaker 2 (23:10):
Real jobs, jobs that actually generate value to the
world we live in.
Like a plumber creates valuefor the world we live in, a
police officer generates value.
A social media influencergenerates.
First of all.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
Zero.
Speaker 2 (23:25):
Zero point zero.
Speaker 1 (23:27):
That's so hypocritical, toby, because,
first of all, it's very.
Speaker 2 (23:30):
How dare you call me a hippo?
Speaker 1 (23:33):
You know I'm going to choke you Right now.
Speaker 2 (23:36):
First of all, it's very few jobs of that caliber
Exactly, but every kid at schoolwants to do it.
It's ridiculous.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
You don't even know.
Now I realize You're sayingexactly, and you don't even know
what point I'm making.
I do no, you don't.
Speaker 2 (23:50):
I'm psycho.
I know exactly what you'resaying.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
You are psycho.
But my point was the oppositeof yours.
What I'm saying is very fewjobs that like save the world,
like firemen and policemen andthings like that.
What I'm saying is the majorityof the jobs is done around the
world, is at one screw and turn.
Watch these potato chips comedown this assembly line, pick up
(24:13):
the box and put it from here tothere.
Pick up that box and put itfrom here to there.
So in context, I think it'skind of demeaning what you're
saying, as if all of these jobs,that's the majority of the jobs
that we're doing.
Speaker 2 (24:25):
We're automating those kind of jobs, but what I'm
saying is that somebody whoactually contributes to the
society, anyway, go ahead.
Sorry, no, you're not sorry.
Yes, I'm very sorry.
Speaker 1 (24:37):
But they are contributing to society.
And it took me a while on myjourney to get there too,
because, just because we're notgamers, well, you do game.
So I can't even say I'm not agamer, but you do play the game.
A lot of people get joy offthese competitions, off getting
to that level of this is what Iaspire to.
They study it.
(24:57):
It.
Just let me finish.
Just like athletes, I want toget off track, because we're
talking about what I know andwe're going.
Speaker 2 (25:05):
All I'm getting at is that that inner peace is a
balance.
It's not an all, it's not anothing.
It's a balance, and so thereare things in our life that
generate happiness or peace forus but what I'm but?
Speaker 1 (25:17):
but I'm making a greater point, and my point
being and I didn't want tobelittle people for doing this I
think that it's importantbecause back in the day we did
things because we didn't knowany better, we did things based
on the rules that was given us.
They said go to school, get ajob, take care of your bills.
And if you go even further backa man, you're the provider, a
(25:41):
woman, you take care of thehouse.
It's called evolution.
And so now, when we look up,especially in America, when we
are in well, we were in anoffice we're working more in our
jobs than we are in our home.
It makes perfect sense to saysince most of my time is to be
applied to this area, then Iwill be intentional about where
(26:02):
I work and where I give my time.
That's all that they're saying.
I think that Tasia said to mewhen I was talking to her about
I'm trying to find it, ask herhow much is your piece worth?
And immediately went in and Isaid is that piece?
Because she was talking about,because she and I asked her if I
could quote her and bring thisup, and she said that I could,
(26:24):
so I wouldn't be bringing it upif I did, because she said that
sometimes for me.
She said right now I only havethis much of me left, you know,
and I want to protect that small.
I would not allow you to takethis from me, because this is
all I have left.
And I said to her, and Ichallenged her, I said but if
that's peace, to me that soundslike you're just holding on to
(26:46):
you know your sanity or whateverthat is, and that's not true
Peace.
And at every sense of the word.
And she said to me, likewithout hesitation, she goes
you're, you're boiling someone'sjourney down to their
destination, mom.
And I think that that's what wedo to kids or young people A
lot of times.
(27:07):
It's like we literally lookingat the destination and saying
you know, if you take thesesteps, that's not going to lead
you, you know, to this place now, but this is their journey, you
know, and you are defining themby an end, that they're nowhere
, even close to so saying timeis back to the theme of finding
that peace.
These are the steps that wehave to take because, if we're
(27:29):
honest with ourselves, everyonemay not be clear how to contain
their peace or add to theirpeace.
But one thing I'll probablyguarantee you that we all know
is what disturbs our peace.
Speaker 2 (27:45):
Well, to a degree.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
To a degree.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
But there are.
I guess what I'm trying to getat is there are natural elements
within our world that willdisturb your peace.
You know, let's face it.
You know social media disturbsyour peace and then you cannot
participate in social media.
That's protecting your peace,you know, let's face it.
Speaker 1 (27:58):
You know social media disturbs your peace and then
you cannot participate in socialmedia.
Speaker 2 (28:01):
That's protecting your peace and, in fact a lot of
the experts will tell you thata lot of the mental health
issues have been brought on bysocial media.
It's the number one.
I was reading an article herethat said social media has done
more to upset people's mentalhealth and their inner peace
than any one single thing.
And on the back end of COVID,where we were forced to
self-isolate and people thatwere socially outgoing were
(28:24):
suddenly forced into anenvironment of fear and terror,
in many cases unknowing, livingby themselves, and then coming
out of that the politicalclimate, the divisiveness what
we're doing is we're creating anenvironment in our country and
slash our world that isincredibly divisive and
(28:46):
confrontational and for peoplewho just want things to remain
calm, it's very upsetting andthey're constantly bombarded
with it on network television,on YouTube, on TikTok, on any of
these things.
And, to make matters worse, allof these social media channels
want clicks and likes andfollows, so they present
(29:08):
material to you that createsthis adversarial relationship
you have, because nice thingsdon't get followed as much as
confrontational things thatupset people.
And the number of people withmental health issues in this
country is astronomical and wedon't have a way to deal with it
.
So all of a sudden we see peoplelashing out because they've
(29:31):
been, you know, just all of thisstimulus has hit them and I
don't like to use the wordtriggered, but it actually works
here, in this particular case.
People get to a boiling pointwhere they just suddenly say
you've upset me so much, I needto go do something.
And often it's not well thoughtout, often criminal, and it
leads to bigger issues.
And we've gotten to this pointbecause we allow certain things
(29:56):
to occur in our world, to thispoint, because we allow certain
things to occur in our world orwe we don't have the
self-control or theself-awareness to say I'm not
going to follow that, I'm notgoing to get involved with that.
I, I have enough comfort andconfidence in myself that I
don't need this externalstimulation.
In fact, I, I'm gonna, I'mgonna be realize how destructive
it is and push it away.
(30:16):
And I still think that we haveto, that we have to be
self-aware.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
Being self-aware is important, but I think all of
those things I'm making a pointit's costing you something, all
of that's costing you.
But staying totally down insocial media, it's costing you
your peace, it's disrupting yourpeace, it's a cost and I think,
um, and I think that up whyit's important to evaluate and
(30:42):
figure out your, your ownstructure and your sanity.
I think, while we're evaluating, this is a question I have to
ask and I think this is a verypowerful, powerful question when
it gets too much and it'soverwhelming.
Like I'm stressed, this is toomuch.
I'm trying, I need to find somepeace.
(31:02):
You're talking about protectingmy peace.
I have to get to a place ofpeace to protect it, right?
So the question is if I tap out, if I just tap out, meaning I
just need a break, it's my lifestructure, where there's someone
that I can trust to tap in.
Speaker 2 (31:22):
Is that mean?
Is there somebody you can leanon?
Is that what you're referringto?
Speaker 1 (31:25):
Just yeah.
So and this is, I think Ireally don't want us to miss
this.
I want us to get this becauseit says a lot about who we
surround ourselves with, becausethat has a lot to do with our
peace too.
And if we are surrounded bypeople and there's not one
person that, when it gets tooheavy, that you could tag in and
(31:49):
say and it doesn't have to be aspouse, do you have a friend,
do you have a sister, do youhave a brother, do you have
anybody you trust, to say youknow what this is too stressful
for me right now and say I gotyou, toby, you go.
What you need, just make me alift.
Speaker 2 (32:06):
But even before that, because we all know people that
lean on somebody else tooheavily and they need them all
the time.
We need to learn internalcoping mechanisms, if you think
about it.
If somebody has a learningdisability, they have coping
mechanisms.
If you have dyslexia, you learncoping mechanisms if you have
any number of different things.
And so I think that the firstthing starts with a person,
(32:28):
because if every time I have aproblem, I come and lean on you,
it reaches a certain pointwhere you're carrying your own
water and mine as well, andthat's just not going to work.
At some point you're going toresent me and you're going to
create my situation even worsebecause you're going to say,
toby, I can't carry you, I can'tcontinue to do this.
So the first step is I think wehave to have, as I said before,
(32:49):
some inner responsibility.
We have to look and say I knowthese are things that happened
to me.
I know myself really well.
So, for instance, I know thatthere are times when I get
depressed and I don't alwaysknow why, and I need to develop
a coping mechanism.
Now I may go seek help to findwhat that coping mechanism is.
I could read about copingmechanisms, but I have to find
it myself first of all.
(33:09):
Now, that may not work everytime to your point, and there
may be times in my life where Ihave to say you know what I
can't carry this any longer.
Speaker 1 (33:19):
I need your help.
But I think that's the and I'msaying this and I'm putting my
hand up and I'm 50 plus yearsold If we, the earlier we get
that, the better.
You know, because we carry somuch, and why are we surrounded
by people and where they and youlook around and you're carrying
everyone's water and theirhands are free, that that says
(33:40):
something.
And if there are people, if you, if you surrounded by people,
and I can't trust anyone to say,you know, to have my back when
I need them, like you know, andwe'll trust people.
A small thing well, I trustthis person to listen when I
pick up the phone, or I trustthis person, I mean, when you're
in the thick of it, and I thinkit's important that we start
(34:02):
giving that language so we canstart evaluating and eliminating
.
And that's hard, it's so hard.
Speaker 2 (34:09):
I think it's easier for younger.
I see the younger generationbeing much more supportive of
each other, even with thingslike you see, on sporting events
or things of that nature a muchstronger sense of community and
collaboration, whereas olderfolks you know I'm 60-ish and I
was taught by my parents youjust suck it up, you figure it
(34:32):
out, you work on it yourself.
Admitting you need help is asign of weakness and,
unfortunately, our generation.
You look at at it and there'ssome interesting numbers here.
It said that, um, let's see ifI can find this.
Over half of adults with amental illness do not receive
treatment.
But it also said I'm trying tofind the number here the
percentage of people, oh uh,20.78 of adults experience
(34:56):
mental illness.
That's over 50.
50 million Americans have mentalillness.
Now, to what degree?
To what extent?
But they're living with thatand you know there's a large
number of people that don't seekhelp, over half that don't
receive treatment, and that'sover 28 million people.
So there's a lot of people outthere that are trying to hoe it
alone and they just don'trecognize that, whether it's
(35:17):
speaking to a friend or findingstrength in a community, in
faith in professional help, youcan't go through that alone, and
I do.
I am encouraged to see thatyoung folks are much more
sensitive to their feelings.
Speaker 1 (35:35):
Absolutely, and I want to go through this quickly,
quickly, and I am going to postthis.
So if you guys are listening,and once we put this out, if you
go on YouTube, you'll be ableto see this and I may be able to
put this out on the audio too,when you, I don't know, I'll try
, but it says this came from amind journal and it says things
(35:55):
to avoid to protect your peace.
Not that I agree with all these, but I'm just going to read it.
It said attempting to persuadeothers to change, helping those
who do not want to be helped.
Trying to please everyone inyour life.
Trying to show others that youare significant.
I like that one.
Pretending to enjoy things thatother people enjoy, that that's
(36:18):
huge.
That is huge.
Just going to going alone again, get alone and you know, yes,
absolutely.
Working for a job that you hate.
Overworking yourself to lookgood.
We're gonna talk about that onefor a second.
Trying to tell others that youare deserving, that's
interesting.
Settling for something lessthan what you hope for, making
(36:41):
plans when all you want to do issleep I like that one.
It was like when it's funny whenI that over overworking
yourself to look good.
I think that's more, and Ican't speak for men, but women.
We do that to the team and Iand I, I'm telling you, you, we
were out for our anniversary,tmi, I'm just gonna tell it.
(37:04):
We're out for our anniversaryand I and my hair was super cute
, but I was super painfulbecause I had on spanks.
And I went in the bathroom andcame out a new person I was
twirling because my spanks wasin my pocket and I was like I
couldn't take them anymore, likeI am tired, I'm too old, I'm
(37:24):
not putting on four inches and Inever took my Spanx off.
So I think good job.
Toby but I'm too old, I'm tiredof overwork.
It's a lot.
You know just to look goodpeople, the hair, the makeup,
the this and all of a sudden youknow also to and in higher
level, women.
We do this in business all thetime we have to wear a face
(37:48):
because if we show our real face, that you're really saying some
crap, that I don't agree with.
You get questions like why thatlook you don't agree, it's
everything.
So we work so hard to look goodin every sense of the word, and
just said you know what this is.
It Take it.
Speaker 2 (38:04):
Well, let me ask you one, and I know this is a loaded
question.
Oh Lord no.
Speaker 1 (38:08):
Let me put it down, so my hands are free.
Speaker 2 (38:09):
I know it's one that impacts you.
Oh God, how do you control thethings you can control and not
sweat the things you can'tcontrol?
Control and not sweat thethings you can't control,
because I see, even in you youlose your peace when things
(38:31):
clearly outside of your controlhappen, whether it's political
or social or things like that.
And I see that with a lot ofpeople, and they're
well-intended people, they'rewonderful people, but it eats at
them.
It's like a corrosive that eatsat them.
And you talk to somebody andsay why are you upset?
Oh, because this happened inEthiopia or this happened in
Ukraine or people are dying in,you know, gaza, and I get it,
(38:57):
and it really corrodes thepeople, but there's nothing you
can do about it.
How do you fight that?
Talk about a loaded question.
Okay, thanks for joining usjust full transparency.
Speaker 1 (39:13):
I'm going to call my own stuff out now that I set you
up no, no, because I really try, I do, I really try not to let
the outside in.
I'm human like everybody else.
I really try.
But I told Toby there's certainthings and you just said you
(39:34):
don't like the word trigger, buttrigger is real, I mean it is,
and it's trigger overusedsometimes.
That could be stated.
That would be a yes, but You'venever heard me use the word
trigger one time.
Speaker 2 (39:45):
No.
Yes the only time I use it toname a horse.
Speaker 1 (39:48):
So oh my god, nobody even knows who triggered it, you
know how dating it, oh my god.
back to the topic.
It feel he had the nerve to actlike what.
And there to act like what, ohmy God.
So it only triggers me.
How about that?
That's so no, like literally.
(40:08):
There are some things you justcannot.
I remember almost say her nameand I'm not gonna say any.
I had a girlfriend and we wereat work and this is when
reproductive rights came and shelost her mind and she was upset
.
She had every right to be and Iremember sitting there just
trying to.
(40:28):
I had to disconnect before Iwent into the office.
That was my first place Let itgo Go to work.
And she was like no, why are wejust working like our rights as
women have been taken?
Why are we just going on?
And everything was valid thatshe said.
So the first time I did what alot of people do I pushed it
down and I moved on.
Sometimes you just can't.
It hits and it hits so hard.
(40:51):
And so when I watched thesestates and knowing my own
personal journey and knowingwhat happened to me after losing
a child and everything being soevasive it, I I couldn't shake
that.
So I'm not saying that youshould.
Speaker 2 (41:06):
I'm just saying how?
How do you cope with thingsthat are so outside of your
control when you're sensitive,when, as humans, we're sensitive
?
Speaker 1 (41:13):
and for me, how I did .
It is like okay, I, I have tocall, feel your, please fill it,
don't push it down.
The worst thing we can do isact like I had to sit in it and
I, but I, I have, I have learnedfrom.
But, in all fairness, this isjust me, so don't anyone act
like I'm giving you any guidanceand it's here.
(41:34):
I'm not a doctor or a therapist, but for me, I have to process
it and say but for me, I have toprocess it and say OK, tricia,
how do we get this out of you?
Because we carry stress, wecarry that, and so then I have
to focus, I have to release itfrom our body, and that's a
conscious thing.
And in order for me to releaseit, I have to start doing my.
(41:55):
I am whole.
I am well because I will getsick and that's because you know
a conversation for another day.
I am well because I will getsick and that's because you know
a conversation for another day.
So I have to do the steps torelease it out of my body,
putting myself Viola Davis, theactress, call it.
We need to learn how to have aradical love affair with
(42:16):
ourselves, you know, and that'sit and that's when I start my
love affair.
I do.
I have to turn to my internalones and get back to me, because
you can lose it and it's hard,unless you live under a rock and
don't turn on the televisionand don't see all of these
children protesting on all ofthese campuses, all of these
young adults protesting on thesecampuses.
Reproductive rights, trumptrial all just pile on and on
(42:40):
and on.
Speaker 2 (42:41):
Then take your own life and your own issues and
your own journey, recognize somuch of that is created to cause
you that lack of peace, becauseyou continue to connect and be
involved, because you're beingplayed.
We're all being played and, toa great extent, the world has
(43:03):
always had these things going on.
There's always been diversity,there's always been conflict.
But why we have?
Why is it now that we have thebest standard of living that the
world has ever seen and peopleare more conflicted now and have
less peace, if you will, andhave more mental health issues,
one could argue, than they everhave?
And the reality is because wehave instantaneous access to
(43:25):
death and destruction andunhappiness and misery, and we
could hide from it before, andso we need to, as human beings
evolve to a point where werecognize and I forget the
expression Lord, help me tounderstand, to control the
things I can control.
What's that?
And a wisdom to know thedifference, yeah.
And so I need to be able to sayit bothers me the serenity
(43:49):
prayer, but it can't affect myinner peace, because people who
are now, you know, miserable andyou see this on, you know,
college campuses, where they'llinterview students and they're
like my life is ruined and yousay why People are dying in
Israel.
You know, I understand it's ahorrible thing, but your life is
over.
I mean there's got to be abalance there.
Speaker 1 (44:10):
I think, in all fairness too, I think you're
leaving a lot out of that, and Iknow because but there's
multiple versions of what'sbeing shown Because.
(44:30):
So you have all of this, youknow injustice, all of this,
fighting, all of this, you knowjust tension in the air,
constantly, constantly.
Then you have reality TV andthen you have all of this wealth
and just hear me out for yourhard eye roll.
But it's to just opposepositions.
That's extreme.
We have extremism on both sides.
So people are getting inundatedwith all of this and it's like,
well, my life, thank god, isn't.
(44:51):
I don't live in a war-torncountry.
I have friends or family whereI know people and I'm praying
for them, but I, I cannot get my.
I'm working hard, I, I'mworking hard, I can't get my
head above water.
These bills, these bills, thesebills, and then these people
look to have it so easy.
All they do is wear the finestclothes and all of these things.
Speaker 2 (45:10):
And you're hit over the head with it all the time.
Speaker 1 (45:13):
Yes, and that thing, and that's why that's why I love
Viola Davis.
You have to have a radical loveaffair with you because all of
this you, you have to find you,you know, and focus on you and
internal, on what you can do andwhat I can have and what makes
me whole and what brings mepeace.
And once I find that peacebecause my concern is I said to
(45:35):
Tasia that people are standingprotecting a peace and they're
not at peace, and I know so manypeople that we call it the
comfort zone.
You know, I just stay because Iknow the company.
The devil I know is better thanthe devil I don't know.
I started looking up things,researching.
I looked up the song Cheaper toKeeper.
For most of you guys who havenever heard of this song, it's
(46:01):
old as heck and I wrote it downand I feel like pulling my book
out.
It's a horrible song.
I used to and we used to singit because it'd be cheaper to
keep, but done on and uh andit's a, but we look at the words
, it's horrible and.
I knew he was saying it'scheaper to keep your, your wife
then to get a divorce.
Sadly true, but this is how Idon't bring, I'm only rapping to
that.
(46:21):
It's because that's how we liveour lives.
You know, it's like I know thisjob, they know me, they get on
my nerve, it makes me sick, butI get up, I know what my job is
every day, and then I want to gointo something new.
And I said and the same thingwith relationships and
everything else.
And we and everything else, andwe call it comfort, when that's
the one place that's a disease,it's a dis-ease, it's the one
(46:44):
place you don't want to go to,it's the one thing you don't
want to do.
But we stay.
So when I say, when we protectour peace, make sure that we're
not protecting something andlocking something in that we
really want to let out.
Speaker 2 (46:56):
And we really need to start with and it's hard.
I mean, I think that therapy,or talking to a professional, or
talking to if you're afaith-based person, talking to a
priest or somebody tounderstand your self-worth it
starts with yourself and it endswith yourself, and at some
point you know you can call itself-responsibility,
(47:17):
responsibility for your actions,whatever you want to call it,
but the idea is, nobody else isgoing to make you feel better
about yourself other than you,and if you can't do that,
there's already a challengethere and you're going to need
to work on that.
We should always be working onourselves, but at the end of the
day, our inner peace is reallyself-driven and there shouldn't
(47:39):
be anything externally to yourpoint that impacts your ability
to be happy.
There are things that will tryto influence it all the time and
there are horrible things thathappen in this world, but there
are amazing things that happenin this world too, and there's
terrible things that happen togood people, and we know that.
But at the end of it all, weneed to feel like we are
grounded in a level of comfortthat we can achieve and I think
(48:05):
you said this before we need tohave kind of that happy place?
Where do we go to recharge ourbatteries?
Where do we go for thatsanctuary and who do we call?
How do we gain that comfort sothat we can get back on
grounding?
Because I think that too oftenwe get ourselves into the
situation where we start tospiral and you read these sad
(48:25):
stories about people who whofall off.
You know the social wagon andyou know mental health is a
major issue in this country.
I'm sure at some point we'lltalk about it on perch, but we
don't spend enough time beingproactive about people who fall
out of the system, who fall outof the normal.
You know if there is such athing, the normal world that we
live in and you knowhomelessness is so much of
(48:47):
homelessness is made up ofpeople who suffer from mental
health issues and we should weshould take care of our own at
home.
Speaker 1 (48:56):
Yes, well, I thank you, and I had a quote I want to
end on and I put my iPad awayand it shut down, so then it
wasn't meant to be said, but Iknow part of it was.
I just wanted to say I readthis quote and it said and I'm
paraphrasing because I don'thave it in front of me most
(49:17):
valuable real estate.
You know, this body that wehave, this soul, this spirit, is
your most valuable, your mostvaluable asset.
This is your most valuablepiece of real estate.
It's us, and so you know, becareful who we let in.
You know, um, and some people.
We need to let Maureen open upand learn how to ask for help,
(49:40):
ask for a support system.
We need to do some checks andbalances, make sure I'm
surrounded by people, but, youknow, am I the only one that's
carrying everyone's water or doI have any help?
And and all of that, we'reworthy.
We're worthy of you know, asupport system, a team, um, and
ask for help.
And I'm getting there.
(50:00):
I'm not there yet.
I've gotten a lot better.
I raised my hand and mysister's on me now because, for
the first time, I'm like do Ireally have to say I need help.
I'm not superwoman and they waslike well, you never said it
before, so that's fair.
So let's start now Buildstructures and system that
support us, so we don't have tocarry this along until we meet
(50:22):
again.
Thank you and have a nice day,take care.
Good day, perch people.
We're back.
I feel like it's been foreverForever, toby.
What was that?
I am telling you.
I miss you guys so much.
First, I want to apologize, um,life has been lifing and if you
want to know what that means,sorry, did you just?
(00:28):
No, I didn't.
What was that?
I think anywho, um, it's justbeen.
You know a lot, but we're here,we're back, um and better than
ever, and soon we'll be leavingagain and heading north.
So don't think we're gettingrid of our studio, or Phil.
We just, you know, fly northfor the summer.
So thank you, and thank you forjoining us.
(00:51):
This topic today may take aminute to digest.
I gave it to Toby and he waslike I'm going to need some
context with that.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
I'm trying to get all the levity out because it's a
pretty heavy topic.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
But I gave it to my youngest child and she got it
right away and she didn't needcontext.
But when I gave it to you, youneed context.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
I am O-L-D-E and I'm old.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
Okay, so today's topic is how much is your peace
worth?
And I pushed this around andlet me give credit to Toby.
Toby is a true ride or die,because I change topics like
three times.
Don't ever do it, thank God.
Most people probably listen tothe audio and now watch the
(01:32):
video of this.
I didn't punch that, don't I?
They don't have to see yourshenanigans.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
That's true, my tomfoolery.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
Just glad you didn't say coonery, because then that
would be.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
Couldn't do that.
I know that's a separateepisode, a problem, that's true.
Speaker 1 (01:44):
Absolutely.
But back to your piece.
So how much is your piece worth?
I the reason why I strugglewith this and I kept pushing it
off and pushing off.
I've been very intentional withPERCH, because PERCH is, for
those of you who are tuning infor the first time, it's an
acronym, it's PAUSE, evaluateResponses to pause, evaluate
responses to circumvent harm.
And so I really don't like todeal with topics.
(02:07):
Why I'm in the thick of it?
Because it's hard to beunbiased.
So, and I've been seeing a lotof protecting your peace,
protecting your environment, andwhat does this mean?
And so the reason I chose tocall to label this one how much
is your peace worth?
Because I do believe you know,when we put things in context
(02:29):
and put things in value, youkind of see it from a different
perspective.
So, toby, before I kick off toyou, I just want to read this up
, because it's been a whilesince we listened to Mr Merriam.
Now we know that Merriam is aman.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
He is a dude.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
The definition of peace is a state of tranquility
or quiet, freedom fromdisquieting or oppressive
thoughts or emotions.
That's the noun.
Peace as a verb is in a stateof concord or tranquility, or to
be, become or keep silent orquiet.
I read this and this issomething I bought into the
(03:08):
forefront for me.
It says when you're traumatizedsomeone, when you traumatize
someone, it usually takes twoyears of consistent behavior to
get them to trust that they'resafe with you.
Again, it's called emotionalwounds and all emotions are now.
And I had to sit with that.
(03:29):
And when he said all emotionsare now, that really resonated
because it's fact, it's truewhen you're dealing with things.
So, before I go into where Iwas going with this, did you
want to chime in?
I have no idea where you'regoing.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
I know you don't know where I'm going.
It Did you want to chime in.
I have no idea where you'regoing.
I know you don't know where I'mgoing.
It's going to be an adventure,I mean.
The only thing that I couldtake away from that piece is
that, just simply, this is anunusual time where we're really
being kind of buffeted by all ofthese different emotions that
are being brought on.
Some of them are being broughton very purposefully and that's
(04:07):
kind of what I'll talk aboutwhen I get a chance and a lot of
our well-being is beingdisrupted by purposeful
activities that are going on,and so people are actually
trying to elicit a certain senseof unease about people and and
the the direct byproduct of somany things that have happened
(04:29):
over the last couple of yearsand we'll talk about some of
them are this you know this,this, this fact that I think
you're going to get into.
So, um, let's go let's do it.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
Let's do it.
I thought we were doing it, weare okay so keep the piece a
couple things that I to addressand I really want to ask
everyone and we'll try to pack alot in and keep it as short as
possible to stay tuned to theend, because I do have some
points.
Because the assumption iseveryone assumes they know what
(05:01):
peace is for them, and that'sthe assumption.
Because it seems verysimplistic.
But when I read this too, itsays your peace is your natural
right, it is inherently yours.
We are at peace when you are.
You're at peace when you're ababy.
Anything that can make you feellike you have lost your peace
(05:24):
comes at a price.
The price is your peace, whichis priceless.
Men spend millions of dollarstrying to find peace every year,
but unfortunately peace cannotbe bought.
So if millions of dollarscannot buy peace, it must be the
most valuable thing in theuniverse.
Speaker 2 (05:43):
Hey, can I ask a question?
What's the difference betweenpeace and happiness?
Speaker 1 (05:48):
Right, Okay, so let me just finish this.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
And then I hear you You're reading that and I felt
like I could have replaced peacewith happiness, in like every
one of those sentences.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
And I understand that .
Speaker 2 (05:57):
I'm just trying to understand what the difference
is.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
Can I be happy?
Speaker 2 (05:59):
and not be at peace.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
Can I finish this and ?
And we could talk about thedifference between well, okay,
since you asked so nicely nowsee, then you messed them up
because I was in the middle ofwhat I was saying it, so I'm
just gonna pick my room for thispart.
So millions of dollars cannotbuy you peace.
It must be the most valuablething in the universe.
Then if anything causes you tolose your peace, then your value
(06:24):
then, and this then and this ismy definition not there, so
this is where I quote it Thenthat says that your value is
external.
You value the external over theinternal, because in order for
something or someone to valuethat's outside of yourself to
disturb your peace.
So it goes back to that.
(06:45):
We talked about this in apodcast before I remember the
topic.
The African proverb if theenemy, if there's no enemy
inside of us, then the enemyoutside can do us no harm.
So to me I apply that that sameprinciple.
So we, for those of you watching, don't know when this will air,
but we know recently too, inthe news that Miss Teen, usa
(07:08):
resigned two days after Miss USAresigned, and they both have
NDAs, so it's a lot ofspeculation.
But one Miss USA did state thatyou know it was her, you know
putting her mental well-beingand physical well-being, you
know overall.
And she was like if you don'thave that yes, that was Toby
(07:29):
phone going off If you don'thave that, you don't have
anything.
So there comes this point and Iknow you and I have talked
about it a lot.
You see it, simone Biles did it, and I remember I talked about
this on an earlier podcast.
When Simone Biles did it, I wastraveling for business, went
out to dinner with some peoplewho were furious that she wasn't
(07:52):
representing the USA and Ithought what balls.
First of all, this is somethingthat someone just from the
outside, we don't have to knowher story, we don't have to know
her journey.
One thing we know is we shouldall be able to agree on it takes
a lot of training and a lot ofdedication to get to Olympic
status.
(08:12):
We just know that we don't haveto be in there and to get
that's a lot of sacrifice.
It's a lot of, you know,denying yourself.
It's a lot.
So for her to do that, it musthave been really serious.
So how dare you, you know,judge anyone for making a
personal decision on putting youknow their self first?
And so my other question is andthen I'll leave this for Toby,
(08:41):
I think, because it's so trendynow to say it I get concerned
that we haven't put context onwhat that means, because in
order for you to protect,something means first of all,
you have to have it.
You can't protect what youdon't have.
(09:01):
So if you're protecting yourpeace, you must be at peace to
protect it.
And my daughter says somepowerful I'll tell you about
that later, towards the end,when I bought this up, but
that's why I'm on it.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
I don't want to Well, excuse me.
I mean, I guess there's a lotof pieces at work there, but the
reality is that when it comesto certain things, it's hard to
necessarily know intention,right, I mean?
And everybody comes at theirown.
And that's why I asked you thehonest question what is the
(09:30):
difference between happiness andpeace?
And can you have peace withouthappiness?
And can you have happinesswithout peace?
Because I think a lot of peoplego through life thinking
they're happy and, as you said,what makes them happy?
They have a beautiful house,they're married, they have kids.
They have a beautiful house,they're married, they have kids,
they have a great job, theymake a lot of money, and maybe
that drives happiness, but atthe end of the day, are they
(09:51):
really at peace?
Speaker 1 (09:52):
But I think so I'm glad you brought that up and I
just want to add this toeverything you name was external
.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
And peace is internal .
Speaker 2 (10:02):
Right.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
But that's the point.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
And you hear these stories about people and they
commit suicide or do terriblethings to themselves and the
first thought is, well, theyseem so happy, everybody says
that they seem so happy, andeven couples that get divorced
they seem so happy, and thereality is sometimes I wasn't at
peace, so I would contend thatpeace and happiness are not the
(10:25):
same thing.
It's funny when you mentionedthe other day that you were
going to open by talking aboutthese two young ladies that felt
so much pressure to themselvesthat they stepped down.
I don't know if you know this,but about three years ago a Miss
America killed herself.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
I know, that's why I'm here.
Do you have that story?
Speaker 2 (10:43):
Yes, so amazing story .
Talk about an overachiever.
This young lady literally hadher MBA.
She graduated from collegeearly.
She won Miss I want to say Iforget which state it was and
then she won Miss America, missUSA, miss USA, thank you, and
her mother.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
Chelsea.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
Crystal, thank you.
And her mother knew there wassomething going on, because her
mother would say, slow down,slow down.
Chelsea called one day and said, mom, I just tried to commit
suicide.
And her mother was like but youhave everything, how could you?
You know, look at all thethings you've done to your point
, all of these external things,all these.
And she said it's not enough.
I don't feel like I'm worthy, Idon't feel I can catch up, I
(11:28):
don't feel I can catch my breath, and these were things that her
parents were pushing on her.
And then we can talk about thepressure we put on our kids to
be successful.
But these were internalmotivations and eventually she
finished up killing herself.
And, as kind of a swan song,her mother published a book that
she had been writing thatspeaks to how to try to find
(11:51):
that inner peace.
But it was a horrible story.
I read it the other day.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
And let me just put a little more context to that too
.
So again, I would never try to,you know, figure out why people
do the way they do.
We all have pressure bus pipesand we know that, and everyone
has their boiling point.
But at the same time I rememberthat specifically because she
(12:18):
not only did she make Miss USA,it was it they kept calling it
the trifecta that that yearthere was three black pageant
winners in different categories.
So they, they were literallykind of and I don't want to
belittle it at all, but paradingthem around as if, wow, so it's
(12:39):
, it's, it's pressure on top ofpressure on top of pressure.
Because it's like you make ahistory, you're doing things
that you know.
So only God knows you know thestory.
So I'm not going to try to getthere and try to surmise, but
it's so many levels to pressureand it's so easy to go back.
And I'm going to even bringColin Kaepernick in here because
I remember when ColinKaepernick was going through
(12:59):
what he was going through.
I remember when ColinKaepernick was going through
what he was going through,there's somebody I personally
know that met his parents in astadium like literally sat next
to his parents in a game and hadan opinion about how he had no
(13:19):
right to do what he was doingbecause his parents were good
parents.
I say, first of all, he's agrown man.
You don't know his story.
This is not about his parentsand you literally had what they
say hi and you may have saidexchange two words and you know
his journey.
And the reason I bring ColinKaepernick in is because, again,
people picked parts of hisstory that was applicable to
(13:44):
them or to state their case,when Colin Kaepernick was
getting it from black people, hewas getting it from sports
people, he was getting it fromall sides.
Some people like Stan sit go allof that pressure and for him to
continue to do that says a lotabout his character to say I'm
going through all of thisadversity, I'm going through all
(14:07):
of these things and I still andI think that people don't
understand the pressure thattaking a stand, even for
yourself, gives.
So Colin Kaepernick is on alarge scale.
We majority of us won't have totake stances in such a public
eye.
But that goes back to ourpersonal stance when and I read
(14:29):
this and I and I and I tie thisto them and I was like wow, it
said, outgrowing people with thesame bloodline as you is the
worst pain to go through andit's one of those things that
that's another level of thingswe go through with family,
because it's like you can't walkaway from.
(14:50):
You know it's bad Look if yourchildren bring you pain and you
stop.
Well, you know.
Or it's a bad look if yourparents give you, you know, all
this trauma and this pain butyou're supposed to tell yourself
well, they're mom or dad, so Igot to engage, or siblings or
aunts, uncles, all of it.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
Well, I mean, I want to go to the Colin Kaepernick
situation for a second, becauseyou could argue that that showed
courage.
Or you could argue that thatbrought him peace by making a
stand that he felt he had tomake, and that's fine.
I believe in individualresponsibility.
And if you felt he had to makeand that's fine, I believe in
individual responsibility and ifhe felt individually
responsible to do that, that'sgreat.
(15:29):
And I think that people have toappreciate that other people
have also individualresponsibility and they can take
the position that they don'tfavor that and I'm all for that.
I think that people should beallowed to self-express in a
manner that it doesn't impactother people's ability to
self-express.
So, you know, if he chose inhis manner to reflect his
(15:50):
thoughts in one manner, otherpeople can disagree with that
and they could disagree with itin their own manner.
But I think that if what you'resaying is that allowed him to
achieve inner peace and he saidyou know, I feel better about
myself because I stopped doingsomething that I didn't believe
in, that's cool, as long as herespects the fact that other
people might be pissed off athim doing that no.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
So I, I really, really want us to look at this
deeper.
And I chose two extremes for areason because I can't speak for
colin kaepernick.
I never met the man.
I don't know why he chose.
If it was for peace, I I don'tknow why he chose to do that.
What I'm saying is about apaying a cost.
(16:32):
You know, when you havedisruption and when you have
things that that's internally,that you know, I just can't take
this anymore.
I just have to take a stand.
His stand was taken a knee, andso what I'm saying is when we
take steps because to protectyour peace, that comes at, I'm
(16:53):
saying, comes at a cost and whenyou take a step, a lot of times
what, what we, we don't want topay that cost Meaning.
I know there are toxic peoplein my life.
I know my job is toxic.
I know my marriage is toxic.
I know my children, whateverthat toxicity is, the cost of
(17:15):
letting it go a lot of peopledon't want to deal with.
So they sit there in a pain.
But you know, and it's hard, soI'm saying he paid a premium
cost, and was it worth it orwhatever the case may be, only
he knows.
Right.
But what I'm saying is there isa cost and and sometimes I
think that, and not that it'sever as high as it is, but I
(17:40):
think it's worth the evaluation,because to have peace means
that sometimes it's lettingpeople go, it's shaking some
things off, you know, becauseyou have to let go.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
I just want to make sure, when we're protecting
something, make sure we'reprotecting peace the other thing
, too, is there's a certaindegree of self-awareness that
has to take place to know whatactually is disturbing your
inner peace, if you will,because our lives are very
complicated whether it's job,work, family, friends and
sometimes we just feel generallydissatisfied, right, we just
(18:12):
don't feel like our life isgoing the way we wanted it to go
, or things aren't reallyworking the way we expected them
to, and sometimes it's hard tokind of do that dissemination
and say, you know, no, mypersonal life is good, I don't
see an issue there, but I see myunhappiness being my
relationship with my kids, andthat really, you know, when I
(18:32):
think about that, that's reallywhere I get a lot of agita, and
you know this occurs and it'sreally hard to then, once you've
actually identified it, toactually go do something about
it, because sometimes you haveto take a giant step backward
before you can ever take a stepforward, right, I mean, divorce
is a perfect example.
We've both been through this.
You know it's easy to stay inthe status quo and say you know,
(18:54):
as I say to you all the time,hope is not a strategy.
I hope it gets better, I hopewe can get through this, I hope
this will work out okay.
And the reality is you've gotto look at the pattern and say
you know, I'm not happy now.
What makes me believe a yearfrom now I'm going to be any
happier?
So sometimes you've got to dosome really difficult things,
you know.
Your Kaepernick analogy, youknow, is a one where I know it's
(19:23):
not going to be popular, I'mgoing to upset the status quo,
but hopefully, coming out of theother end, you do achieve what
you're looking for.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
I think that's part of the journey, and so I do have
some steps for us to thinkabout, but I think we don't have
to be on this planet too long.
Even children You've heard andmost all of us have noticed you
have some kids.
When you go over to an in-lawhouse, they're like I don't like
going to my uncle's house.
I don't like going to myauntie's house and we dismiss
(19:48):
that because your kids say shutup and get in the car.
But that's where it starts andwe're laughing, but it's serious
because something intuitivelyis telling them that something
is a disconnect.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
Kids are wonderfully honest.
It's great.
Speaker 1 (20:17):
But this is make me comfortable, I don't want to do
it.
Then with age and progression,it's so much easier.
But we're taught to regress, topush it down, let it go, you'll
be fine.
And I had to tell Toby I haveto be honest myself.
I'm old school, you know, and Iand I didn't even realize how
(20:38):
deeply embedded suck it upbuttercup was in my DNA.
You know you don't have to like.
Nobody promised you a rosegarden.
We had all of these songs comingup.
You know, keep your chin up,you know, and just take it.
You know, power through, and.
And so we do that.
And then I remember being inmanagement at a young age and I
(21:01):
saw these people, when I gotolder, start coming in and they
wanted their job to give themfulfillment and joy and
happiness.
And I'm not going to lie.
I was like but your job is notsupposed to, your job is
supposed to sustain you, to makesure you could pay your bills
and live, and it was beingaround young people and and
having young children and.
(21:22):
And they're pushing back at mesaying well, why, why can't the
goal be to have vote?
Speaker 2 (21:27):
why shouldn't I be working for something that I
love to do but it fulfills mebecause if I I said, that's fair
yeah, and I mean I hear you andI think you've swung the
pendulum a little further thanI've gotten yet, and I
understand that we wanteverything to be sunshine, roses
and cupcakes, and there arethings in life that aren't
necessarily things that fulfillus.
Speaker 1 (21:45):
Why do you say it like that, though?
Speaker 2 (21:46):
Because not everything in life is going to
fulfill us.
There are things that we haveto do that are unpleasant in
life, whether we like it or not.
We don't go to funerals for fun, right, we do them because they
are a thing that's importantfor us to memorialize a person
who we loved or cared for.
It's not like we go off to thefuneral, I mean.
(22:07):
So there are things in lifethat are not pleasant, and
that's the nature of it.
So I think we need to becareful when we get too carried
away that says all we want to dois fun stuff and it's
interesting.
I mean, I'll give you.
I know you're giving me thatlook, but it's like when I used
to tutor with fifth and sixthgrade classes and I would say to
(22:28):
kids and I've done it over thecourse of a decade when 10 years
ago I did it, I'd say to kidswhat do you want to be when you
grow up?
And it was, she was fireman,doctor, police officer, all
those kind of things.
No, strippers, no, no.
Nobody ever said no, none ofthem were named bambi.
So, but over the last couple ofyears they've all now said oh,
I want to be a social mediainfluencer or I want to be a
(22:49):
video game player and it's likewhat happened to like and I'm
going to get myself in trouble.
Real jobs, you know, where youactually did something and added
value to the world, instead ofthings like this.
I mean, it's so, first of all,hold on, you don't?
Speaker 1 (23:04):
do that anymore.
No, that's Atari.
You do this right or you dothis First of all.
What's this real jobs?
Speaker 2 (23:10):
Real jobs, jobs that actually generate value to the
world we live in.
Like a plumber creates valuefor the world we live in, a
police officer generates value.
A social media influencergenerates.
First of all.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
Zero.
Speaker 2 (23:25):
Zero point zero.
Speaker 1 (23:27):
That's so hypocritical, toby, because,
first of all, it's very.
Speaker 2 (23:30):
How dare you call me a hippo?
Speaker 1 (23:33):
You know I'm going to choke you Right now.
Speaker 2 (23:36):
First of all, it's very few jobs of that caliber
Exactly, but every kid at schoolwants to do it.
It's ridiculous.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
You don't even know.
Now I realize You're sayingexactly, and you don't even know
what point I'm making.
I do no, you don't.
Speaker 2 (23:50):
I'm psycho.
I know exactly what you'resaying.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
You are psycho.
But my point was the oppositeof yours.
What I'm saying is very fewjobs that like save the world,
like firemen and policemen andthings like that.
What I'm saying is the majorityof the jobs is done around the
world, is at one screw and turn.
Watch these potato chips comedown this assembly line, pick up
(24:13):
the box and put it from here tothere.
Pick up that box and put itfrom here to there.
So in context, I think it'skind of demeaning what you're
saying, as if all of these jobs,that's the majority of the jobs
that we're doing.
Speaker 2 (24:25):
We're automating those kind of jobs, but what I'm
saying is that somebody whoactually contributes to the
society, anyway, go ahead.
Sorry, no, you're not sorry.
Yes, I'm very sorry.
Speaker 1 (24:37):
But they are contributing to society.
And it took me a while on myjourney to get there too,
because, just because we're notgamers, well, you do game.
So I can't even say I'm not agamer, but you do play the game.
A lot of people get joy offthese competitions, off getting
to that level of this is what Iaspire to.
They study it.
(24:57):
It.
Just let me finish.
Just like athletes, I want toget off track, because we're
talking about what I know andwe're going.
Speaker 2 (25:05):
All I'm getting at is that that inner peace is a
balance.
It's not an all, it's not anothing.
It's a balance, and so thereare things in our life that
generate happiness or peace forus but what I'm but?
Speaker 1 (25:17):
but I'm making a greater point, and my point
being and I didn't want tobelittle people for doing this I
think that it's importantbecause back in the day we did
things because we didn't knowany better, we did things based
on the rules that was given us.
They said go to school, get ajob, take care of your bills.
And if you go even further backa man, you're the provider, a
(25:41):
woman, you take care of thehouse.
It's called evolution.
And so now, when we look up,especially in America, when we
are in well, we were in anoffice we're working more in our
jobs than we are in our home.
It makes perfect sense to saysince most of my time is to be
applied to this area, then Iwill be intentional about where
(26:02):
I work and where I give my time.
That's all that they're saying.
I think that Tasia said to mewhen I was talking to her about
I'm trying to find it, ask herhow much is your piece worth?
And immediately went in and Isaid is that piece?
Because she was talking about,because she and I asked her if I
could quote her and bring thisup, and she said that I could,
(26:24):
so I wouldn't be bringing it upif I did, because she said that
sometimes for me.
She said right now I only havethis much of me left, you know,
and I want to protect that small.
I would not allow you to takethis from me, because this is
all I have left.
And I said to her, and Ichallenged her, I said but if
that's peace, to me that soundslike you're just holding on to
(26:46):
you know your sanity or whateverthat is, and that's not true
Peace.
And at every sense of the word.
And she said to me, likewithout hesitation, she goes
you're, you're boiling someone'sjourney down to their
destination, mom.
And I think that that's what wedo to kids or young people A
lot of times.
(27:07):
It's like we literally lookingat the destination and saying
you know, if you take thesesteps, that's not going to lead
you, you know, to this place now, but this is their journey, you
know, and you are defining themby an end, that they're nowhere
, even close to so saying timeis back to the theme of finding
that peace.
These are the steps that wehave to take because, if we're
(27:29):
honest with ourselves, everyonemay not be clear how to contain
their peace or add to theirpeace.
But one thing I'll probablyguarantee you that we all know
is what disturbs our peace.
Speaker 2 (27:45):
Well, to a degree.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
To a degree.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
But there are.
I guess what I'm trying to getat is there are natural elements
within our world that willdisturb your peace.
You know, let's face it.
You know social media disturbsyour peace and then you cannot
participate in social media.
That's protecting your peace,you know, let's face it.
Speaker 1 (27:58):
You know social media disturbs your peace and then
you cannot participate in socialmedia.
Speaker 2 (28:01):
That's protecting your peace and, in fact a lot of
the experts will tell you thata lot of the mental health
issues have been brought on bysocial media.
It's the number one.
I was reading an article herethat said social media has done
more to upset people's mentalhealth and their inner peace
than any one single thing.
And on the back end of COVID,where we were forced to
self-isolate and people thatwere socially outgoing were
(28:24):
suddenly forced into anenvironment of fear and terror,
in many cases unknowing, livingby themselves, and then coming
out of that the politicalclimate, the divisiveness what
we're doing is we're creating anenvironment in our country and
slash our world that isincredibly divisive and
(28:46):
confrontational and for peoplewho just want things to remain
calm, it's very upsetting andthey're constantly bombarded
with it on network television,on YouTube, on TikTok, on any of
these things.
And, to make matters worse, allof these social media channels
want clicks and likes andfollows, so they present
(29:08):
material to you that createsthis adversarial relationship
you have, because nice thingsdon't get followed as much as
confrontational things thatupset people.
And the number of people withmental health issues in this
country is astronomical and wedon't have a way to deal with it
.
So all of a sudden we see peoplelashing out because they've
(29:31):
been, you know, just all of thisstimulus has hit them and I
don't like to use the wordtriggered, but it actually works
here, in this particular case.
People get to a boiling pointwhere they just suddenly say
you've upset me so much, I needto go do something.
And often it's not well thoughtout, often criminal, and it
leads to bigger issues.
And we've gotten to this pointbecause we allow certain things
(29:56):
to occur in our world, to thispoint, because we allow certain
things to occur in our world orwe we don't have the
self-control or theself-awareness to say I'm not
going to follow that, I'm notgoing to get involved with that.
I, I have enough comfort andconfidence in myself that I
don't need this externalstimulation.
In fact, I, I'm gonna, I'mgonna be realize how destructive
it is and push it away.
(30:16):
And I still think that we haveto, that we have to be
self-aware.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
Being self-aware is important, but I think all of
those things I'm making a pointit's costing you something, all
of that's costing you.
But staying totally down insocial media, it's costing you
your peace, it's disrupting yourpeace, it's a cost and I think,
um, and I think that up whyit's important to evaluate and
(30:42):
figure out your, your ownstructure and your sanity.
I think, while we're evaluating, this is a question I have to
ask and I think this is a verypowerful, powerful question when
it gets too much and it'soverwhelming.
Like I'm stressed, this is toomuch.
I'm trying, I need to find somepeace.
(31:02):
You're talking about protectingmy peace.
I have to get to a place ofpeace to protect it, right?
So the question is if I tap out, if I just tap out, meaning I
just need a break, it's my lifestructure, where there's someone
that I can trust to tap in.
Speaker 2 (31:22):
Is that mean?
Is there somebody you can leanon?
Is that what you're referringto?
Speaker 1 (31:25):
Just yeah.
So and this is, I think Ireally don't want us to miss
this.
I want us to get this becauseit says a lot about who we
surround ourselves with, becausethat has a lot to do with our
peace too.
And if we are surrounded bypeople and there's not one
person that, when it gets tooheavy, that you could tag in and
(31:49):
say and it doesn't have to be aspouse, do you have a friend,
do you have a sister, do youhave a brother, do you have
anybody you trust, to say youknow what this is too stressful
for me right now and say I gotyou, toby, you go.
What you need, just make me alift.
Speaker 2 (32:06):
But even before that, because we all know people that
lean on somebody else tooheavily and they need them all
the time.
We need to learn internalcoping mechanisms, if you think
about it.
If somebody has a learningdisability, they have coping
mechanisms.
If you have dyslexia, you learncoping mechanisms if you have
any number of different things.
And so I think that the firstthing starts with a person,
(32:28):
because if every time I have aproblem, I come and lean on you,
it reaches a certain pointwhere you're carrying your own
water and mine as well, andthat's just not going to work.
At some point you're going toresent me and you're going to
create my situation even worsebecause you're going to say,
toby, I can't carry you, I can'tcontinue to do this.
So the first step is I think wehave to have, as I said before,
(32:49):
some inner responsibility.
We have to look and say I knowthese are things that happened
to me.
I know myself really well.
So, for instance, I know thatthere are times when I get
depressed and I don't alwaysknow why, and I need to develop
a coping mechanism.
Now I may go seek help to findwhat that coping mechanism is.
I could read about copingmechanisms, but I have to find
it myself first of all.
(33:09):
Now, that may not work everytime to your point, and there
may be times in my life where Ihave to say you know what I
can't carry this any longer.
Speaker 1 (33:19):
I need your help.
But I think that's the and I'msaying this and I'm putting my
hand up and I'm 50 plus yearsold If we, the earlier we get
that, the better.
You know, because we carry somuch, and why are we surrounded
by people and where they and youlook around and you're carrying
everyone's water and theirhands are free, that that says
(33:40):
something.
And if there are people, if you, if you surrounded by people,
and I can't trust anyone to say,you know, to have my back when
I need them, like you know, andwe'll trust people.
A small thing well, I trustthis person to listen when I
pick up the phone, or I trustthis person, I mean, when you're
in the thick of it, and I thinkit's important that we start
(34:02):
giving that language so we canstart evaluating and eliminating
.
And that's hard, it's so hard.
Speaker 2 (34:09):
I think it's easier for younger.
I see the younger generationbeing much more supportive of
each other, even with thingslike you see, on sporting events
or things of that nature a muchstronger sense of community and
collaboration, whereas olderfolks you know I'm 60-ish and I
was taught by my parents youjust suck it up, you figure it
(34:32):
out, you work on it yourself.
Admitting you need help is asign of weakness and,
unfortunately, our generation.
You look at at it and there'ssome interesting numbers here.
It said that, um, let's see ifI can find this.
Over half of adults with amental illness do not receive
treatment.
But it also said I'm trying tofind the number here the
percentage of people, oh uh,20.78 of adults experience
(34:56):
mental illness.
That's over 50.
50 million Americans have mentalillness.
Now, to what degree?
To what extent?
But they're living with thatand you know there's a large
number of people that don't seekhelp, over half that don't
receive treatment, and that'sover 28 million people.
So there's a lot of people outthere that are trying to hoe it
alone and they just don'trecognize that, whether it's
(35:17):
speaking to a friend or findingstrength in a community, in
faith in professional help, youcan't go through that alone, and
I do.
I am encouraged to see thatyoung folks are much more
sensitive to their feelings.
Speaker 1 (35:35):
Absolutely, and I want to go through this quickly,
quickly, and I am going to postthis.
So if you guys are listening,and once we put this out, if you
go on YouTube, you'll be ableto see this and I may be able to
put this out on the audio too,when you, I don't know, I'll try
, but it says this came from amind journal and it says things
(35:55):
to avoid to protect your peace.
Not that I agree with all these, but I'm just going to read it.
It said attempting to persuadeothers to change, helping those
who do not want to be helped.
Trying to please everyone inyour life.
Trying to show others that youare significant.
I like that one.
Pretending to enjoy things thatother people enjoy, that that's
(36:18):
huge.
That is huge.
Just going to going alone again, get alone and you know, yes,
absolutely.
Working for a job that you hate.
Overworking yourself to lookgood.
We're gonna talk about that onefor a second.
Trying to tell others that youare deserving, that's
interesting.
Settling for something lessthan what you hope for, making
(36:41):
plans when all you want to do issleep I like that one.
It was like when it's funny whenI that over overworking
yourself to look good.
I think that's more, and Ican't speak for men, but women.
We do that to the team and Iand I, I'm telling you, you, we
were out for our anniversary,tmi, I'm just gonna tell it.
(37:04):
We're out for our anniversaryand I and my hair was super cute
, but I was super painfulbecause I had on spanks.
And I went in the bathroom andcame out a new person I was
twirling because my spanks wasin my pocket and I was like I
couldn't take them anymore, likeI am tired, I'm too old, I'm
(37:24):
not putting on four inches and Inever took my Spanx off.
So I think good job.
Toby but I'm too old, I'm tiredof overwork.
It's a lot.
You know just to look goodpeople, the hair, the makeup,
the this and all of a sudden youknow also to and in higher
level, women.
We do this in business all thetime we have to wear a face
(37:48):
because if we show our real face, that you're really saying some
crap, that I don't agree with.
You get questions like why thatlook you don't agree, it's
everything.
So we work so hard to look goodin every sense of the word, and
just said you know what this is.
It Take it.
Speaker 2 (38:04):
Well, let me ask you one, and I know this is a loaded
question.
Oh Lord no.
Speaker 1 (38:08):
Let me put it down, so my hands are free.
Speaker 2 (38:09):
I know it's one that impacts you.
Oh God, how do you control thethings you can control and not
sweat the things you can'tcontrol?
Control and not sweat thethings you can't control,
because I see, even in you youlose your peace when things
(38:31):
clearly outside of your controlhappen, whether it's political
or social or things like that.
And I see that with a lot ofpeople, and they're
well-intended people, they'rewonderful people, but it eats at
them.
It's like a corrosive that eatsat them.
And you talk to somebody andsay why are you upset?
Oh, because this happened inEthiopia or this happened in
Ukraine or people are dying in,you know, gaza, and I get it,
(38:57):
and it really corrodes thepeople, but there's nothing you
can do about it.
How do you fight that?
Talk about a loaded question.
Okay, thanks for joining usjust full transparency.
Speaker 1 (39:13):
I'm going to call my own stuff out now that I set you
up no, no, because I really try, I do, I really try not to let
the outside in.
I'm human like everybody else.
I really try.
But I told Toby there's certainthings and you just said you
(39:34):
don't like the word trigger, buttrigger is real, I mean it is,
and it's trigger overusedsometimes.
That could be stated.
That would be a yes, but You'venever heard me use the word
trigger one time.
Speaker 2 (39:45):
No.
Yes the only time I use it toname a horse.
Speaker 1 (39:48):
So oh my god, nobody even knows who triggered it, you
know how dating it, oh my god.
back to the topic.
It feel he had the nerve to actlike what.
And there to act like what, ohmy God.
So it only triggers me.
How about that?
That's so no, like literally.
(40:08):
There are some things you justcannot.
I remember almost say her nameand I'm not gonna say any.
I had a girlfriend and we wereat work and this is when
reproductive rights came and shelost her mind and she was upset
.
She had every right to be and Iremember sitting there just
trying to.
(40:28):
I had to disconnect before Iwent into the office.
That was my first place Let itgo Go to work.
And she was like no, why are wejust working like our rights as
women have been taken?
Why are we just going on?
And everything was valid thatshe said.
So the first time I did what alot of people do I pushed it
down and I moved on.
Sometimes you just can't.
It hits and it hits so hard.
(40:51):
And so when I watched thesestates and knowing my own
personal journey and knowingwhat happened to me after losing
a child and everything being soevasive it, I I couldn't shake
that.
So I'm not saying that youshould.
Speaker 2 (41:06):
I'm just saying how?
How do you cope with thingsthat are so outside of your
control when you're sensitive,when, as humans, we're sensitive
?
Speaker 1 (41:13):
and for me, how I did .
It is like okay, I, I have tocall, feel your, please fill it,
don't push it down.
The worst thing we can do isact like I had to sit in it and
I, but I, I have, I have learnedfrom.
But, in all fairness, this isjust me, so don't anyone act
like I'm giving you any guidanceand it's here.
(41:34):
I'm not a doctor or a therapist, but for me, I have to process
it and say but for me, I have toprocess it and say OK, tricia,
how do we get this out of you?
Because we carry stress, wecarry that, and so then I have
to focus, I have to release itfrom our body, and that's a
conscious thing.
And in order for me to releaseit, I have to start doing my.
(41:55):
I am whole.
I am well because I will getsick and that's because you know
a conversation for another day.
I am well because I will getsick and that's because you know
a conversation for another day.
So I have to do the steps torelease it out of my body,
putting myself Viola Davis, theactress, call it.
We need to learn how to have aradical love affair with
(42:16):
ourselves, you know, and that'sit and that's when I start my
love affair.
I do.
I have to turn to my internalones and get back to me, because
you can lose it and it's hard,unless you live under a rock and
don't turn on the televisionand don't see all of these
children protesting on all ofthese campuses, all of these
young adults protesting on thesecampuses.
Reproductive rights, trumptrial all just pile on and on
(42:40):
and on.
Speaker 2 (42:41):
Then take your own life and your own issues and
your own journey, recognize somuch of that is created to cause
you that lack of peace, becauseyou continue to connect and be
involved, because you're beingplayed.
We're all being played and, toa great extent, the world has
(43:03):
always had these things going on.
There's always been diversity,there's always been conflict.
But why we have?
Why is it now that we have thebest standard of living that the
world has ever seen and peopleare more conflicted now and have
less peace, if you will, andhave more mental health issues,
one could argue, than they everhave?
And the reality is because wehave instantaneous access to
(43:25):
death and destruction andunhappiness and misery, and we
could hide from it before, andso we need to, as human beings
evolve to a point where werecognize and I forget the
expression Lord, help me tounderstand, to control the
things I can control.
What's that?
And a wisdom to know thedifference, yeah.
And so I need to be able to sayit bothers me the serenity
(43:49):
prayer, but it can't affect myinner peace, because people who
are now, you know, miserable andyou see this on, you know,
college campuses, where they'llinterview students and they're
like my life is ruined and yousay why People are dying in
Israel.
You know, I understand it's ahorrible thing, but your life is
over.
I mean there's got to be abalance there.
Speaker 1 (44:10):
I think, in all fairness too, I think you're
leaving a lot out of that, and Iknow because but there's
multiple versions of what'sbeing shown Because.
(44:30):
So you have all of this, youknow injustice, all of this,
fighting, all of this, you knowjust tension in the air,
constantly, constantly.
Then you have reality TV andthen you have all of this wealth
and just hear me out for yourhard eye roll.
But it's to just opposepositions.
That's extreme.
We have extremism on both sides.
So people are getting inundatedwith all of this and it's like,
well, my life, thank god, isn't.
(44:51):
I don't live in a war-torncountry.
I have friends or family whereI know people and I'm praying
for them, but I, I cannot get my.
I'm working hard, I, I'mworking hard, I can't get my
head above water.
These bills, these bills, thesebills, and then these people
look to have it so easy.
All they do is wear the finestclothes and all of these things.
Speaker 2 (45:10):
And you're hit over the head with it all the time.
Speaker 1 (45:13):
Yes, and that thing, and that's why that's why I love
Viola Davis.
You have to have a radical loveaffair with you because all of
this you, you have to find you,you know, and focus on you and
internal, on what you can do andwhat I can have and what makes
me whole and what brings mepeace.
And once I find that peacebecause my concern is I said to
(45:35):
Tasia that people are standingprotecting a peace and they're
not at peace, and I know so manypeople that we call it the
comfort zone.
You know, I just stay because Iknow the company.
The devil I know is better thanthe devil I don't know.
I started looking up things,researching.
I looked up the song Cheaper toKeeper.
For most of you guys who havenever heard of this song, it's
(46:01):
old as heck and I wrote it downand I feel like pulling my book
out.
It's a horrible song.
I used to and we used to singit because it'd be cheaper to
keep, but done on and uh andit's a, but we look at the words
, it's horrible and.
I knew he was saying it'scheaper to keep your, your wife
then to get a divorce.
Sadly true, but this is how Idon't bring, I'm only rapping to
that.
(46:21):
It's because that's how we liveour lives.
You know, it's like I know thisjob, they know me, they get on
my nerve, it makes me sick, butI get up, I know what my job is
every day, and then I want to gointo something new.
And I said and the same thingwith relationships and
everything else.
And we and everything else, andwe call it comfort, when that's
the one place that's a disease,it's a dis-ease, it's the one
(46:44):
place you don't want to go to,it's the one thing you don't
want to do.
But we stay.
So when I say, when we protectour peace, make sure that we're
not protecting something andlocking something in that we
really want to let out.
Speaker 2 (46:56):
And we really need to start with and it's hard.
I mean, I think that therapy,or talking to a professional, or
talking to if you're afaith-based person, talking to a
priest or somebody tounderstand your self-worth it
starts with yourself and it endswith yourself, and at some
point you know you can call itself-responsibility,
(47:17):
responsibility for your actions,whatever you want to call it,
but the idea is, nobody else isgoing to make you feel better
about yourself other than you,and if you can't do that,
there's already a challengethere and you're going to need
to work on that.
We should always be working onourselves, but at the end of the
day, our inner peace is reallyself-driven and there shouldn't
(47:39):
be anything externally to yourpoint that impacts your ability
to be happy.
There are things that will tryto influence it all the time and
there are horrible things thathappen in this world, but there
are amazing things that happenin this world too, and there's
terrible things that happen togood people, and we know that.
But at the end of it all, weneed to feel like we are
grounded in a level of comfortthat we can achieve and I think
(48:05):
you said this before we need tohave kind of that happy place?
Where do we go to recharge ourbatteries?
Where do we go for thatsanctuary and who do we call?
How do we gain that comfort sothat we can get back on
grounding?
Because I think that too oftenwe get ourselves into the
situation where we start tospiral and you read these sad
(48:25):
stories about people who whofall off.
You know the social wagon andyou know mental health is a
major issue in this country.
I'm sure at some point we'lltalk about it on perch, but we
don't spend enough time beingproactive about people who fall
out of the system, who fall outof the normal.
You know if there is such athing, the normal world that we
live in and you knowhomelessness is so much of
(48:47):
homelessness is made up ofpeople who suffer from mental
health issues and we should weshould take care of our own at
home.
Speaker 1 (48:56):
Yes, well, I thank you, and I had a quote I want to
end on and I put my iPad awayand it shut down, so then it
wasn't meant to be said, but Iknow part of it was.
I just wanted to say I readthis quote and it said and I'm
paraphrasing because I don'thave it in front of me most
(49:17):
valuable real estate.
You know, this body that wehave, this soul, this spirit, is
your most valuable, your mostvaluable asset.
This is your most valuablepiece of real estate.
It's us, and so you know, becareful who we let in.
You know, um, and some people.
We need to let Maureen open upand learn how to ask for help,
(49:40):
ask for a support system.
We need to do some checks andbalances, make sure I'm
surrounded by people, but, youknow, am I the only one that's
carrying everyone's water or doI have any help?
And and all of that, we'reworthy.
We're worthy of you know, asupport system, a team, um, and
ask for help.
And I'm getting there.
(50:00):
I'm not there yet.
I've gotten a lot better.
I raised my hand and mysister's on me now because, for
the first time, I'm like do Ireally have to say I need help.
I'm not superwoman and they waslike well, you never said it
before, so that's fair.
So let's start now Buildstructures and system that
support us, so we don't have tocarry this along until we meet
(50:22):
again.
Thank you and have a nice day,take care.
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