September 9, 2024 • 33 mins
This episode is for anyone who feels stuck and is a powerful reminder that we're all human. That regardless of your level of success, we all struggle sometimes. It's about embracing the messy parts of ourselves and finding the strength to keep moving forward.
Inspired by Jonah Hill's documentary "Stutz," Gregg shares his journey of facing fears, embracing imperfection, and finding strength in vulnerability. This episode is an invitation to shed societal and familial expectations, fostering self-compassion and authentic connections.
In this intimate episode, Gregg invites listeners to witness his real-time process of growth and healing, exploring:
- The myth of perfection and why it's harmful
- The impact of childhood wounds on adult behaviors
- Strategies for overcoming overwhelm and "freeze" responses
- The intersection of ADHD, time management, and productivity
- The power of journaling and self-reflection in personal development
- How embracing imperfection can lead to greater authenticity and connection
Through personal anecdotes and honest reflections, Gregg demonstrates that it's not about having all the answers, but about how we move forward despite our struggles. Join him on this raw and inspiring journey of self-discovery and learn how sharing our vulnerabilities can create deeper connections, build support systems and foster personal growth. Together we'll create a sanctuary for a more mindful, authentic, and fulfilling life.
My Blog:
https://www.inconnectionwithnature.com/blog
My Website:
https://www.inconnectionwithnature.com/
EFT Tapping Meditation on Self Compassion:
https://youtu.be/R7XpdDl_Bdo?si=HlswKsV_TScAdJpf
My article on our self talk:
Tiny Buddha - How Our Self Talk Can Sabotage Or Support Us
Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/inconnectionwithnature/
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
I want to be a part of changing that programming so
we don't feel we have to hideourselves in order to be loved
and accepted for who we are,because the truth is, nobody has
it all figured out.
It's not about whether we haveall the answers, but how we move
forward in spite of not havingall the answers, ready to unlock
(00:26):
your full potential.
Join me, greg Berman.
Your guide to self-discovery,self-acceptance and joy.
This podcast blends lifecoaching, mindfulness and the
power of nature to help youmanage anxiety, cultivate
self-compassion and embrace yourtrue self.
Along the way, we'll embracethe imperfection, fallibility
(00:50):
and messiness of what it meansto be a human, with love, care
and acceptance for all of whoyou are.
This is your sanctuary for amore mindful, authentic and
fulfilling life.
Let's embark on this journeytogether, as we give you
permission to be your full self.
(01:11):
Recently, I re-watched themovie Stutz.
It's a documentary made byactor Jonah Hill about his
psychotherapist, phil Stutz,because the film really speaks
to me.
I've seen it several times.
Yes, it's certainly interestingand insightful to hear Stutz
(01:31):
talk about the tools he uses tosupport his patients, but what
really inspires me is the sharedhumanity the humanness and the
imperfection that Stutz sharesabout himself, a man who over
many long years, has developed aset of tools to help his
patients and to help himself.
And yet he's still imperfect,still has struggles and
(01:55):
insecurities, which are evidentin both the main text and the
subtext of the interactionbetween Jonah and Stutz.
And during the film, jonahrealizes that pretending he is
not struggling with his thoughtson how to make the movie and in
trying to do it perfectly isjust making the film project
that much harder.
So they decide to pull back thecurtain to expose the messiness
(02:19):
of how they are making the film, what the struggles are, and we
get to see how they solve thosevery human struggles.
I feel it's beautifully doneand I find it inspiring.
So that is what I want to dowith you today to draw back the
curtain and share what ishappening beneath the surface as
(02:40):
I move forward on my ownproject.
It's been a while since I've putout a new episode and I wanted
to share part of the story ofwhy.
Part of me is not sure of thevalue of doing this and it
certainly creates some fear, butI've decided to share my
process with you in real time asI'm struggling with something.
(03:02):
Why do I want to do this, youmight ask.
Well, it's because so often weget to hear about someone's
hero's journey or great successafter the fact, and though there
is great value in that, it'snot the same as coming along for
the ride and it keeps alive thenarrative that the story is
(03:24):
only valuable once you'vearrived at the happy, perfect
ending, the story that our livesare not worthy of sharing with
each other when we are not ontop of the world.
But I feel that mythologycreates harm and causes
disconnection from each otherand worse, it causes
disconnection from ourselves,from each other and worse, it
(03:45):
causes disconnection fromourselves.
I'll admit a part of me doesworry that letting you into my
world, my insecurities, mystruggles in present time will
make you want to run away fromme.
Will have you say, why would Itrust Greg to support me if he
does not have it all figured out?
And the truth is, for somefolks it may do just that.
(04:05):
But I know whether it's my ownfears and the voices in my head
or the voices in yours sayingsomeone who does not have all
the answers is not worth payingattention to.
All these are part of a flawedcultural and familial
programming that we are allexposed to and all impacted by.
I want to be a part of changingthat programming so we don't
(04:28):
have to feel we have to hideourselves to be loved and to be
accepted for who we are.
I want to show me and I want toshow you that we have the
opportunity to quiet thecritical voices that keep us
stuck, keep us from soaring,that limit our happiness and our
freedom, because the truth is,nobody has it all figured out.
(04:52):
It's not about whether we haveall the answers, but about how
we move forward in spite of nothaving all the answers.
It's trusting in ourselves andtrusting in your ability to
access resources that willsupport you.
And even though I can sometimesstill struggle with my own
vulnerability, what I've foundis being vulnerable especially
(05:17):
in those places where we feelunsure or insecure actually
breeds connection, gives usspace to breathe and reminds us
that we are not alone.
I'll share even more about thatin a future episode.
So in this episode, I'm goingto take you behind the scenes
while I'm in the middle of mymost recent struggle, rather
(05:40):
than waiting till I solve itbefore I share it with you.
So away we go.
I remember in the beginning ofthe pandemic, I had planned a
trip with a friend to do a weekof kayaking in a remote section
of the Everglades called the TenThousand Islands.
We would be camping on smallislands that likely would not
(06:01):
have another soul on them, butthe process of flying across the
country meant lots of exposureand we reluctantly decided to
cancel the trip just days beforewe were meant to leave.
Then lockdown happened.
For years I had dreamed ofhaving a couple of weeks off
where I had no place to be andnothing to do.
(06:24):
I always imagined I could getso much organized in my life and
my business.
Well, this was certainly notthe way I expected it to happen,
but in a sense I was given thatgift.
The problem was, each day wouldcome and go and I was getting
(06:45):
absolutely nothing accomplished.
It felt frustrating anddemoralizing.
I was stuck in a cycle ofoverwhelm and self-doubt that
led to procrastination anddistraction.
And as each day disappeared, sodid a sense of hope, a sense of
hope.
So I reached out for support tocoaches, eft practitioners,
(07:09):
books on ADHD and more.
It took time and lots of effort, but over a period of months I
was really happy with thechanges.
The results, while difficult,were miraculous to me.
The fact that I make my bedeach day, something I'd never
done as a practice ever in mylife before.
(07:31):
That is just one of many small,and sometimes large, daily
reminders of the effort I put in.
Do a search for the wordEverglades on my website blog
and you can find more out aboutthat journey, including the
miracle of folding laundry.
So about two years ago I startedwriting a talk I wanted to give
(07:55):
on self-compassion.
When it comes to guiding peopleon a forest bathing experience
or leading anywhere in nature, Ihave an ease and confidence
born from nearly 30 years ofguiding wilderness journeys.
Oh, I still have myinsecurities and the critical
voices that come up, but I'vedone it so much that I can
(08:16):
easily quiet those distractions.
But when it comes to simplygiving a talk, my very old and
sometimes still active woundcomes up that says I don't know
how to communicate.
I don't know what to say, howam I going to do this?
And it's going to beembarrassing and everyone will
laugh at me or, worse, abandonme.
(08:40):
My ADHD and struggles withexecutive functioning can make
it hard enough to know where tobegin.
Add those sorts of thoughts andmore to the mix and it puts me
in a state of freeze.
Then one day, as I was preppingfor my talk, I had what I call
my near panic attack.
(09:00):
I woke up one Sunday morning,genuinely excited to get to work
on my self-compassion talk, andfor the next 14 hours I was in
a state of thinking in the nextmoment I'll begin, and in the
next and in the next.
But I just could not bringmyself to get moving.
(09:21):
And in those situations I wasnot in the habit of giving
myself permission to dosomething else.
No time with friends, no otherproject, no walking outside my
door into the embrace of nature,because my own history told me
if I did that I could not trustmyself to get back to the
(09:43):
project later.
So I must do it now, but thatrarely, if ever, worked out.
Throughout my life.
That dynamic has led to a lotof time being a prisoner in my
own house, unable to go forwardand unwilling to allow myself a
respite.
On this particular day that ledme to go down the path of
(10:06):
feeling like I'm watching mylife slip away.
If I can't even get started ona day that I was actually
looking forward to working, howwill I ever get my business to a
place of providing thefinancial stability to allow me
the time to spend with friends,to build community to date, to
travel, to kayak and to be innature.
(10:33):
As the evening grew late and I'dgotten nothing done, I started
spinning down a path of fear, ofbeing alone and destitute, with
anxiety and panic buildinginside me.
Anxiety is an old companion.
We've spent many days together,nearly every day in fact.
I've certainly learned lots oftools to quiet the anxiety and
(10:58):
to move through it in productiveways.
Sometimes, in fact, I'mpleasantly surprised to find
it's not there at all insituations that used to terrify
me.
But a panic attack, that'ssomething I've rarely felt, and
it seemed like I was spiralingdown something I could not get
out of.
(11:18):
I reminded myself this was justa feeling and I was, in fact,
compassionate with myself.
I told my scared inner childthat, while it all felt real in
the moment, it was just myfrustration and my imagination
running away with me and rulingthe show.
I told myself that I would feeldifferent in the morning, and I
(11:40):
held myself, and in the morningI did in fact feel different,
but it was also a wake-up callthat I needed to do something
different.
So, just as at the start of thepandemic, I started looking for
resources to support me.
I went to a somatic traumaretreat in Utah.
(12:01):
I hired an EFT hypnotherapycoach, I did work with
existential kink andpsychedelics and more and again.
It made a huge difference incalming my nervous system, in
giving me new tools and I didultimately write that talk and
I'm proud of what I created.
(12:21):
It was also what led to mybeing able to start this podcast
.
I went from a place of feelinglike years ago I managed to make
good progress towards my goals,versus being stuck in
overwhelming procrastination10-15% of days to feeling like
now I was able to move forward70-80% of days and that was
(12:45):
growing.
In fact, after my first podcastepisode came out, which, as I
share in that episode, wasfilled with challenges, I was on
a high feeling, confident athow well I moved through the
process, even when it was notfun or there were logistical or
emotional blocks.
(13:06):
I was excited at the trust Ihad developed in myself.
I can't begin to share howempowering it felt and I was
feeling elated and strong.
And that brings us to today.
I still have that feelingechoing in my body, but I'm also
feeling stuck.
(13:27):
Each time I move throughsomething hard, I distance
myself from the old story that Ican't do hard things.
I give myself new tools andresources so that most of the
time it is easier to movethrough my own internal
resistances and I more easilynavigate outside obstacles in my
path.
But sometimes I face somethingthat activates all my old wounds
(13:50):
in such a way that it can seemlike I've regressed to square
one all over again.
That, of course, I know is notthe case, but it can certainly
feel that way in the moment.
That's the place I find myselfin now and have been in for a
few months.
That's the place I find myselfin now and have been in for a
(14:11):
few months.
In this case it was activatedby starting a new marketing plan
for my business.
I feel blessed to have clientsthat love me and whom I love,
some of whom I've just met andothers whom I've worked with for
years.
I've gotten lots of heartfeltaccolades for how I show up for
(14:31):
both clients and friends.
That feels huge for someone whoat one time in my life wished I
had anyone I could talk to, butwas terrified to even try.
The issue is, despite how good Iam at supporting others, I've
struggled to figure out how tolet more people know about me.
(14:51):
It's felt like there has beenthis black curtain blocking me
from being more visible.
Part of that for sure is myADHD inconsistency and reaching
for the next shiny object beforefully engaging with the current
one, and there are so manyshiny objects in the world of
marketing these days.
(15:12):
Do a newsletter Post on socialmedia, and that should
absolutely be Facebook, or no,it should be Instagram.
Wait, no, it's LinkedIn orPinterest or one of multitudes
of others others depending onwho you listen to.
But actually what you shouldreally do is create a podcast,
(15:37):
or do ads, or give talks, and onand on and on.
There's too many options tolist and I'm sure many I've not
even heard of.
I've gone down various rabbitholes and while it's given me
just enough visibility to stayafloat and to feel like
stability is just around thecorner, that stability has
(16:00):
actually felt utterly and,honestly, heartbreakingly
elusive.
Hence the feeling and sense ofnear panic attack that was
coming up for me as I was tryingto write my self-compassion
talk.
I love what I do, both insupporting others and in how I
support and grow my ownemotional well-being through the
(16:22):
process of trying to be abetter and more connected
practitioner for my clients, allwhile building my business.
So each time I try somemarketing and I don't see
immediate results or I languishfor a while, I wonder how much
effort to put into the nextthing and fears rise in me,
(16:42):
wondering if this is the rightthing, wondering if this is the
place where I should be puttingmy energy.
There is a part of me thatreally misses the days where I
worked as an RN two to threedays a week and got to kayak and
see friends three to four daysa week while feeling I had
enough money to meet my needs.
(17:04):
The problem was working in ahospital was literally sucking
my soul away.
That's something that Icomplained about for years.
That's a much longer story andit's part of the path that led
me to what I'm doing today.
So, in the ongoing search tolift the black curtain of
(17:26):
visibility, I decided to hire amarketing agency.
About four months ago now.
There was a series of intakeforms that took me more than 16
hours to fill out.
That felt hard enough, but thenin June my 60-page plan arrived
, sharing what I should do andhow to create a funnel, but the
(17:51):
process of implementing it isasking me to think in new ways
to share about what I do, waysto share about what I do.
It's also asking me to do lotsof behind-the-scenes tech pieces
that, as I research, can feellike I need to decipher foreign
language just to figure out eachstep.
So it's been overwhelming andthere are just so many pieces at
(18:14):
once that my brain struggles tofigure out where to begin.
And that is without all theinsecurities, not enough stories
and layers of old wounding.
The thing is, it's totallynormal as we grow to feel
resistance.
That is part of the process andfor me, I've even gotten to the
(18:35):
point where I can feelexcitement when I notice
resistance, because it means I'mon the verge of a big
breakthrough.
Feeling stuck for a few hoursor a few days or even, on
occasion, a few weeks, is anormal part of growth.
Actually, getting stuck formuch longer is also sometimes
part of the process.
We all feel stuck in aspects ofour life at times, but when I'm
(18:59):
stuck for months on endrepeatedly and I'm watching
weekend after weekend, weekafter week go by where I'm
saying no to engagements withfriends and I'm saying no to
myself for doing anything butthe one project I want to work
on.
Well, it's definitely a blow tomy confidence and my self-trust
(19:21):
when the week comes to an endand all I've done is remain in a
state of stasis, thinking inthe next moment it will be
different.
I feel very thankful thatself-compassion is a superpower
of mine, because otherwise itwould be super easy to beat
myself up when I watch weekafter week go by and not only
(19:41):
don't I get further on themarketing piece, but so many
other projects, as well asopportunities to play, fall by
the wayside in an effort to workon this project.
I want to give myself thefreedom from remaining stuck for
so long, both because it is notfinancially viable for me to
(20:03):
remain in this repeated spincycle and because it is a gift
to do the hard work of healingwounds that keep me from moving
forward.
It's certainly a gift when Ican do that for others and it's
absolutely a gift when I can dothat for myself, like the movie
Stutz, where Jonah realizes that, after two years of trying to
(20:23):
create what appears to be asimple conversation between him
and his therapist, in order togo deeper, in order to be
intimate with the audience.
He has to take a risk and bevulnerable and share the truth
of where he's struggling.
That's what I'm hoping toaccomplish here Continuing to
(20:44):
let go of my need to be perfector get it just right for fear of
being abandoned, for fear ofnot being loved, and to show
both myself and to show you thatyou are valuable and worthy,
even when we don't have it allfigured out, even when things
seem hard and even when it feelslike we'll be shunned for
sharing our truth.
(21:06):
What I've realized for myself inthis particular situation and
in this repeating cycle ofgetting in this freeze pattern
where I'm overwhelmed, is I needto more deeply explore the
childhood wounding and providecomfort to that four or five
year old child in me that isfeeling like he has to figure it
all out and is taking the reinsin order to protect the adult
(21:29):
me from doing it wrong, fromfucking it up.
The thing is, when that youngone is at the helm, I am
thinking with the mind of a 4-5year old and the world feels big
and scary and I don't have thefull access to my adult mind
that knows it can figure thingsout, that knows I have options,
that knows I have systems ofsupport.
(21:51):
I've certainly explored some ofthese layers before and in fact
last year I went through threedifferent therapists trying to
find one to help me do more ofthis deep work.
Each one was a little betterthan the last but despite my
expressions of where I wanted togo, the focus was always on
(22:13):
providing me tools around myADHD and working in the present.
Certainly there is value inthat.
I'm always happy to get newinsights into my ADHD patterns
and learn new tools, but in thissituation it feels like trying
to use the best materials tobuild a high rise without being
sure the foundation can supportwhat I'm building.
(22:34):
So I'm shoring up thosefoundations with inner child
work and healing from complexPTSD.
Even though in some moments itsucks to be in this place, I
also know it's an opportunity toshow up for myself in new ways
and to show up for my clients innew ways To become stronger and
(22:55):
more resilient.
I found a couple therapistsrecently who are exploring those
deep layers with me and helpingme build my foundations, and
I'm using those insights toinform the work I'm doing, using
hypnotherapy and EFT tapping tofurther install new patterns.
I've also been doing a lot ofjournaling, which has been
(23:15):
really helpful in gaininginsights into the patterns.
Actually, I've been reallyproud of myself about the
journaling because I had writtena note to myself and posted it
on the wall over a year agosaying if I have the urge to
distract myself, the phone tendsto be my drug or distraction of
choice.
Instead, it would benefit me topick up a journal and notice
(23:39):
the thoughts that are coming up.
It took over a year before Ifollowed through on that note,
but I'm actually doing it nowand it's been truly amazing to
get new insights.
Typically, I'd get caught inwatching video after video, or
doing what I call trap lining.
That's something I have anupcoming newsletter article on,
(24:02):
but, in short, the name comesfrom the pattern in animals
where they visit food sources ina repeatable sequence, like
trappers checking their line oftraps.
In my case, it's where I go incircles checking to see if there
are any new emails, and thenany new Facebook messages or
posts, and then Instagram, andthen or posts, and then
Instagram, and then my texts,and then WhatsApp, and on and on
(24:24):
and on, and when I finish oneround then I'll go back and do
it all again.
I'm not being productive inthese cases, but rather using it
as a distraction to avoid doingsomething hard and or the
feelings that arise from tryingto engage with a hard task hard
and or the feelings that arisefrom trying to engage with a
hard task.
Typically, when I would getstuck in those patterns, I'd
(24:44):
wonder why can't I just pullaway from it?
And then I would feelfrustrated when hour upon hour
disappeared.
But as I've started thejournaling, it's like I'm
getting access to subconsciousrecesses of my brain that I've
not explored.
I'm getting access tosubconscious recesses of my
brain that I've not explored.
I'll share a few of thoseinsights now and over time I'll
(25:05):
share more of those explorationswith you, including where I'm
feeling stuck and what I'm doingto overcome ingrained patterns.
One of those pieces is aroundthe intersection of overwhelm as
a pattern and my relationshipto time, a combination of always
feeling like there is notenough time to do everything in
an hour or a day or a week, orthere is not enough time in life
(25:28):
.
I've been challenging thatpattern, which I'll share more
about as I gain deeper insights.
The overwhelm I remember as achild and well into adulthood.
Things like packing for a tripas one example it felt
overwhelming to think of all thethings I would need, lay them
out and pack them away.
I could not figure out where tobegin.
(25:50):
It would always seem like somemystical wizardry to be able to
get ready, and I would just wishI could just be on the other
side of the plane ride, able toget ready, and I would just wish
I could just be on the otherside of the plane ride.
There were so many steps and inwhat is a typical ADHD pattern,
I would delay and delay anddelay, because once time grew
(26:14):
very short, the adrenalinekicked in and I didn't have the
luxury of thinking and frettingover each decision.
I simply had to just do,regardless of whether it was
perfect or not, and quite oftenit was very imperfect.
I've read a lot about thatcycle since getting diagnosed in
my mid to late 40s and I'vebeen working on changing that,
though I also spent decadesinstalling that pattern, so it
(26:38):
was pretty well ingrained.
Simply being aware that that isa common part of the ADHD brain
takes a lot of the shame out ofit.
Then there's the giving myselfpermission to be imperfect,
trusting that I can figure itout, training myself that I can
(26:59):
do things that may feel hard orthat I may assume are going to
be hard, and doing things tocalm my nervous system when the
strong thoughts and feelingsstate of it's too hard, I can't
do it, I don't want to work.
So hard is shouting in theconscious and subconscious parts
of my brain that calming canhappen by doing tapping simply
(27:24):
as a nervous system relaxer, orto install new thoughts and
quiet old ones.
It can be in the form of breath, work or spending time
connecting with nature or evensharing my struggles with a safe
and trusted friend, so I feelless alone in the experience,
even though that can sometimesfeel hard too, because I can
(27:45):
judge myself for sharing thesame story over and over.
But even acknowledging that I'mdoing that makes it easier.
Another related and tangentialpattern is the pattern of
getting distracted.
Sometimes, as I've alreadyspoken about, distraction is a
tool I'll use to avoid something.
But what I'm talking about hereis being conscious to notice,
(28:07):
for example, why my hour-longmorning routine can sometimes
take three to four hours time.
That often is not available.
It can happen if, for example,I'm doing my workout routine at
home and then I think, oh, Iwant to look at a balance board
or some other thing to aid myworkouts, or some supplement, or
I remember an unrelated task orI see something out of place on
(28:30):
a shelf that I want to dealwith.
I think I'll just quickly lookit up or deal with it in 30
seconds or so, but that can takeme down a rabbit hole that
lasts 10 to 20 or 30 minutes andif I do that numerous times in
a session, sometimes I never endup completing what I'm trying
to do before I need to get ontosomething else.
(28:51):
Being conscious of that pattern, realizing I don't have to get
distracted, and even carryingaround a notepad with me so I
can jot things down, is superhelpful.
Then later I can decide whetherI want to do whatever that
impulse was or if it was just adistraction that came up in the
moment.
(29:14):
Well, that is not directlyrelated to the not enough
stories and the fear ofabandonment wounds that keep me
in freeze mode so much.
They do add to the burden ofbeing frozen, because then I
don't trust myself to be able toget things done, which adds to
the overall anxiety I notice.
At the same time as I'm feelingthe weight of my current
struggles to move forward withthis marketing plan.
(29:35):
I also feel excitement for whoI'll get to be for going through
this process.
There are definitely momentswhen I want to lie on the floor
in fetal position and just cryand have someone come and rescue
me and solve all my problemsand make it so I don't even have
to face them.
But I'm really proud of theperson I am today, how resilient
(29:58):
I am and how much growth I'vehad in my communication, my
abilities to show up for myclients in powerful ways, my
ability to show up for myselfand to reach out for support,
and I'm proud of all that I'vereleased on the social anxiety
front, which used to dominate mylife.
(30:18):
As I took a break from writingthis today, I remembered a dream
I had last night.
In it, I was walking around inpublic naked, trying to find my
way to my clothes.
I was not totally comfortable,but I was also not heavily
embarrassed.
It was awkward, but I wassimply allowing myself to be
(30:41):
exposed in service of seekingcomfort.
I'm struck by the correlationto what I'm doing right now.
It's not totally comfortable tobe exposing myself in this way,
but it is in service of notonly creating more comfort for
me but for all of us in sharingour humanness and building
(31:03):
connection, comfort and strengthby doing so.
Certainly, there are alwayshigher levels that I want to
achieve, but again, I'm superproud of how incredibly far I've
come and, as I've shared manytimes, a quote from Peter Sage
that really speaks to me is thepurpose of a goal is not to
(31:27):
achieve the goal, but to see whowe get to become on the way to
achieving that goal.
I know I'm becoming so muchstronger each and every day
through the process of sometimessystematically and sometimes
quite chaotically andagonizingly moving towards my
goals.
I want that sense of strengthand resilience for you as well.
(31:54):
Thank you for joining me on myjourney.
There are parts of me stillnervous and parts that are
saying I should rewrite this oradd or delete something, and I'm
choosing to just watch thosefeelings float by.
I'm honored that you havechosen to be here and let me
share with you.
I hope what I share isnourishing and valuable for you.
(32:17):
I hope it offers you someinsight into your own patterns,
whether they are similar or evenif they are wildly different
from my own.
If anything resonates with you,I'd love to hear what you are
taking away or even whatquestions it brings up for you.
Let's give each otherpermission to be our full selves
(32:40):
, both the amazing and the messythat resides in us all, and
please share this far and wide.
I'd be grateful if you'd put alike and a comment.
Wherever you get your podcasts.
You can find out more about meand my work on my website.
You can find out more about meand my work on my website,
(33:04):
inconnectionwithnaturecom.
If I can be of more directsupport, reach out and let's
have a conversation.
See you in the next episode orjoin me on my blog.
I want to be a part of changing that programming so
we don't feel we have to hideourselves in order to be loved
and accepted for who we are,because the truth is, nobody has
it all figured out.
It's not about whether we haveall the answers, but how we move
forward in spite of not havingall the answers, ready to unlock
(00:26):
your full potential.
Join me, greg Berman.
Your guide to self-discovery,self-acceptance and joy.
This podcast blends lifecoaching, mindfulness and the
power of nature to help youmanage anxiety, cultivate
self-compassion and embrace yourtrue self.
Along the way, we'll embracethe imperfection, fallibility
(00:50):
and messiness of what it meansto be a human, with love, care
and acceptance for all of whoyou are.
This is your sanctuary for amore mindful, authentic and
fulfilling life.
Let's embark on this journeytogether, as we give you
permission to be your full self.
(01:11):
Recently, I re-watched themovie Stutz.
It's a documentary made byactor Jonah Hill about his
psychotherapist, phil Stutz,because the film really speaks
to me.
I've seen it several times.
Yes, it's certainly interestingand insightful to hear Stutz
(01:31):
talk about the tools he uses tosupport his patients, but what
really inspires me is the sharedhumanity the humanness and the
imperfection that Stutz sharesabout himself, a man who over
many long years, has developed aset of tools to help his
patients and to help himself.
And yet he's still imperfect,still has struggles and
(01:55):
insecurities, which are evidentin both the main text and the
subtext of the interactionbetween Jonah and Stutz.
And during the film, jonahrealizes that pretending he is
not struggling with his thoughtson how to make the movie and in
trying to do it perfectly isjust making the film project
that much harder.
So they decide to pull back thecurtain to expose the messiness
(02:19):
of how they are making the film, what the struggles are, and we
get to see how they solve thosevery human struggles.
I feel it's beautifully doneand I find it inspiring.
So that is what I want to dowith you today to draw back the
curtain and share what ishappening beneath the surface as
(02:40):
I move forward on my ownproject.
It's been a while since I've putout a new episode and I wanted
to share part of the story ofwhy.
Part of me is not sure of thevalue of doing this and it
certainly creates some fear, butI've decided to share my
process with you in real time asI'm struggling with something.
(03:02):
Why do I want to do this, youmight ask.
Well, it's because so often weget to hear about someone's
hero's journey or great successafter the fact, and though there
is great value in that, it'snot the same as coming along for
the ride and it keeps alive thenarrative that the story is
(03:24):
only valuable once you'vearrived at the happy, perfect
ending, the story that our livesare not worthy of sharing with
each other when we are not ontop of the world.
But I feel that mythologycreates harm and causes
disconnection from each otherand worse, it causes
disconnection from ourselves,from each other and worse, it
(03:45):
causes disconnection fromourselves.
I'll admit a part of me doesworry that letting you into my
world, my insecurities, mystruggles in present time will
make you want to run away fromme.
Will have you say, why would Itrust Greg to support me if he
does not have it all figured out?
And the truth is, for somefolks it may do just that.
(04:05):
But I know whether it's my ownfears and the voices in my head
or the voices in yours sayingsomeone who does not have all
the answers is not worth payingattention to.
All these are part of a flawedcultural and familial
programming that we are allexposed to and all impacted by.
I want to be a part of changingthat programming so we don't
(04:28):
have to feel we have to hideourselves to be loved and to be
accepted for who we are.
I want to show me and I want toshow you that we have the
opportunity to quiet thecritical voices that keep us
stuck, keep us from soaring,that limit our happiness and our
freedom, because the truth is,nobody has it all figured out.
(04:52):
It's not about whether we haveall the answers, but about how
we move forward in spite of nothaving all the answers.
It's trusting in ourselves andtrusting in your ability to
access resources that willsupport you.
And even though I can sometimesstill struggle with my own
vulnerability, what I've foundis being vulnerable especially
(05:17):
in those places where we feelunsure or insecure actually
breeds connection, gives usspace to breathe and reminds us
that we are not alone.
I'll share even more about thatin a future episode.
So in this episode, I'm goingto take you behind the scenes
while I'm in the middle of mymost recent struggle, rather
(05:40):
than waiting till I solve itbefore I share it with you.
So away we go.
I remember in the beginning ofthe pandemic, I had planned a
trip with a friend to do a weekof kayaking in a remote section
of the Everglades called the TenThousand Islands.
We would be camping on smallislands that likely would not
(06:01):
have another soul on them, butthe process of flying across the
country meant lots of exposureand we reluctantly decided to
cancel the trip just days beforewe were meant to leave.
Then lockdown happened.
For years I had dreamed ofhaving a couple of weeks off
where I had no place to be andnothing to do.
(06:24):
I always imagined I could getso much organized in my life and
my business.
Well, this was certainly notthe way I expected it to happen,
but in a sense I was given thatgift.
The problem was, each day wouldcome and go and I was getting
(06:45):
absolutely nothing accomplished.
It felt frustrating anddemoralizing.
I was stuck in a cycle ofoverwhelm and self-doubt that
led to procrastination anddistraction.
And as each day disappeared, sodid a sense of hope, a sense of
hope.
So I reached out for support tocoaches, eft practitioners,
(07:09):
books on ADHD and more.
It took time and lots of effort, but over a period of months I
was really happy with thechanges.
The results, while difficult,were miraculous to me.
The fact that I make my bedeach day, something I'd never
done as a practice ever in mylife before.
(07:31):
That is just one of many small,and sometimes large, daily
reminders of the effort I put in.
Do a search for the wordEverglades on my website blog
and you can find more out aboutthat journey, including the
miracle of folding laundry.
So about two years ago I startedwriting a talk I wanted to give
(07:55):
on self-compassion.
When it comes to guiding peopleon a forest bathing experience
or leading anywhere in nature, Ihave an ease and confidence
born from nearly 30 years ofguiding wilderness journeys.
Oh, I still have myinsecurities and the critical
voices that come up, but I'vedone it so much that I can
(08:16):
easily quiet those distractions.
But when it comes to simplygiving a talk, my very old and
sometimes still active woundcomes up that says I don't know
how to communicate.
I don't know what to say, howam I going to do this?
And it's going to beembarrassing and everyone will
laugh at me or, worse, abandonme.
(08:40):
My ADHD and struggles withexecutive functioning can make
it hard enough to know where tobegin.
Add those sorts of thoughts andmore to the mix and it puts me
in a state of freeze.
Then one day, as I was preppingfor my talk, I had what I call
my near panic attack.
(09:00):
I woke up one Sunday morning,genuinely excited to get to work
on my self-compassion talk, andfor the next 14 hours I was in
a state of thinking in the nextmoment I'll begin, and in the
next and in the next.
But I just could not bringmyself to get moving.
(09:21):
And in those situations I wasnot in the habit of giving
myself permission to dosomething else.
No time with friends, no otherproject, no walking outside my
door into the embrace of nature,because my own history told me
if I did that I could not trustmyself to get back to the
(09:43):
project later.
So I must do it now, but thatrarely, if ever, worked out.
Throughout my life.
That dynamic has led to a lotof time being a prisoner in my
own house, unable to go forwardand unwilling to allow myself a
respite.
On this particular day that ledme to go down the path of
(10:06):
feeling like I'm watching mylife slip away.
If I can't even get started ona day that I was actually
looking forward to working, howwill I ever get my business to a
place of providing thefinancial stability to allow me
the time to spend with friends,to build community to date, to
travel, to kayak and to be innature.
(10:33):
As the evening grew late and I'dgotten nothing done, I started
spinning down a path of fear, ofbeing alone and destitute, with
anxiety and panic buildinginside me.
Anxiety is an old companion.
We've spent many days together,nearly every day in fact.
I've certainly learned lots oftools to quiet the anxiety and
(10:58):
to move through it in productiveways.
Sometimes, in fact, I'mpleasantly surprised to find
it's not there at all insituations that used to terrify
me.
But a panic attack, that'ssomething I've rarely felt, and
it seemed like I was spiralingdown something I could not get
out of.
(11:18):
I reminded myself this was justa feeling and I was, in fact,
compassionate with myself.
I told my scared inner childthat, while it all felt real in
the moment, it was just myfrustration and my imagination
running away with me and rulingthe show.
I told myself that I would feeldifferent in the morning, and I
(11:40):
held myself, and in the morningI did in fact feel different,
but it was also a wake-up callthat I needed to do something
different.
So, just as at the start of thepandemic, I started looking for
resources to support me.
I went to a somatic traumaretreat in Utah.
(12:01):
I hired an EFT hypnotherapycoach, I did work with
existential kink andpsychedelics and more and again.
It made a huge difference incalming my nervous system, in
giving me new tools and I didultimately write that talk and
I'm proud of what I created.
(12:21):
It was also what led to mybeing able to start this podcast
.
I went from a place of feelinglike years ago I managed to make
good progress towards my goals,versus being stuck in
overwhelming procrastination10-15% of days to feeling like
now I was able to move forward70-80% of days and that was
(12:45):
growing.
In fact, after my first podcastepisode came out, which, as I
share in that episode, wasfilled with challenges, I was on
a high feeling, confident athow well I moved through the
process, even when it was notfun or there were logistical or
emotional blocks.
(13:06):
I was excited at the trust Ihad developed in myself.
I can't begin to share howempowering it felt and I was
feeling elated and strong.
And that brings us to today.
I still have that feelingechoing in my body, but I'm also
feeling stuck.
(13:27):
Each time I move throughsomething hard, I distance
myself from the old story that Ican't do hard things.
I give myself new tools andresources so that most of the
time it is easier to movethrough my own internal
resistances and I more easilynavigate outside obstacles in my
path.
But sometimes I face somethingthat activates all my old wounds
(13:50):
in such a way that it can seemlike I've regressed to square
one all over again.
That, of course, I know is notthe case, but it can certainly
feel that way in the moment.
That's the place I find myselfin now and have been in for a
few months.
That's the place I find myselfin now and have been in for a
(14:11):
few months.
In this case it was activatedby starting a new marketing plan
for my business.
I feel blessed to have clientsthat love me and whom I love,
some of whom I've just met andothers whom I've worked with for
years.
I've gotten lots of heartfeltaccolades for how I show up for
(14:31):
both clients and friends.
That feels huge for someone whoat one time in my life wished I
had anyone I could talk to, butwas terrified to even try.
The issue is, despite how good Iam at supporting others, I've
struggled to figure out how tolet more people know about me.
(14:51):
It's felt like there has beenthis black curtain blocking me
from being more visible.
Part of that for sure is myADHD inconsistency and reaching
for the next shiny object beforefully engaging with the current
one, and there are so manyshiny objects in the world of
marketing these days.
(15:12):
Do a newsletter Post on socialmedia, and that should
absolutely be Facebook, or no,it should be Instagram.
Wait, no, it's LinkedIn orPinterest or one of multitudes
of others others depending onwho you listen to.
But actually what you shouldreally do is create a podcast,
(15:37):
or do ads, or give talks, and onand on and on.
There's too many options tolist and I'm sure many I've not
even heard of.
I've gone down various rabbitholes and while it's given me
just enough visibility to stayafloat and to feel like
stability is just around thecorner, that stability has
(16:00):
actually felt utterly and,honestly, heartbreakingly
elusive.
Hence the feeling and sense ofnear panic attack that was
coming up for me as I was tryingto write my self-compassion
talk.
I love what I do, both insupporting others and in how I
support and grow my ownemotional well-being through the
(16:22):
process of trying to be abetter and more connected
practitioner for my clients, allwhile building my business.
So each time I try somemarketing and I don't see
immediate results or I languishfor a while, I wonder how much
effort to put into the nextthing and fears rise in me,
(16:42):
wondering if this is the rightthing, wondering if this is the
place where I should be puttingmy energy.
There is a part of me thatreally misses the days where I
worked as an RN two to threedays a week and got to kayak and
see friends three to four daysa week while feeling I had
enough money to meet my needs.
(17:04):
The problem was working in ahospital was literally sucking
my soul away.
That's something that Icomplained about for years.
That's a much longer story andit's part of the path that led
me to what I'm doing today.
So, in the ongoing search tolift the black curtain of
(17:26):
visibility, I decided to hire amarketing agency.
About four months ago now.
There was a series of intakeforms that took me more than 16
hours to fill out.
That felt hard enough, but thenin June my 60-page plan arrived
, sharing what I should do andhow to create a funnel, but the
(17:51):
process of implementing it isasking me to think in new ways
to share about what I do, waysto share about what I do.
It's also asking me to do lotsof behind-the-scenes tech pieces
that, as I research, can feellike I need to decipher foreign
language just to figure out eachstep.
So it's been overwhelming andthere are just so many pieces at
(18:14):
once that my brain struggles tofigure out where to begin.
And that is without all theinsecurities, not enough stories
and layers of old wounding.
The thing is, it's totallynormal as we grow to feel
resistance.
That is part of the process andfor me, I've even gotten to the
(18:35):
point where I can feelexcitement when I notice
resistance, because it means I'mon the verge of a big
breakthrough.
Feeling stuck for a few hoursor a few days or even, on
occasion, a few weeks, is anormal part of growth.
Actually, getting stuck formuch longer is also sometimes
part of the process.
We all feel stuck in aspects ofour life at times, but when I'm
(18:59):
stuck for months on endrepeatedly and I'm watching
weekend after weekend, weekafter week go by where I'm
saying no to engagements withfriends and I'm saying no to
myself for doing anything butthe one project I want to work
on.
Well, it's definitely a blow tomy confidence and my self-trust
(19:21):
when the week comes to an endand all I've done is remain in a
state of stasis, thinking inthe next moment it will be
different.
I feel very thankful thatself-compassion is a superpower
of mine, because otherwise itwould be super easy to beat
myself up when I watch weekafter week go by and not only
(19:41):
don't I get further on themarketing piece, but so many
other projects, as well asopportunities to play, fall by
the wayside in an effort to workon this project.
I want to give myself thefreedom from remaining stuck for
so long, both because it is notfinancially viable for me to
(20:03):
remain in this repeated spincycle and because it is a gift
to do the hard work of healingwounds that keep me from moving
forward.
It's certainly a gift when Ican do that for others and it's
absolutely a gift when I can dothat for myself, like the movie
Stutz, where Jonah realizes that, after two years of trying to
(20:23):
create what appears to be asimple conversation between him
and his therapist, in order togo deeper, in order to be
intimate with the audience.
He has to take a risk and bevulnerable and share the truth
of where he's struggling.
That's what I'm hoping toaccomplish here Continuing to
(20:44):
let go of my need to be perfector get it just right for fear of
being abandoned, for fear ofnot being loved, and to show
both myself and to show you thatyou are valuable and worthy,
even when we don't have it allfigured out, even when things
seem hard and even when it feelslike we'll be shunned for
sharing our truth.
(21:06):
What I've realized for myself inthis particular situation and
in this repeating cycle ofgetting in this freeze pattern
where I'm overwhelmed, is I needto more deeply explore the
childhood wounding and providecomfort to that four or five
year old child in me that isfeeling like he has to figure it
all out and is taking the reinsin order to protect the adult
(21:29):
me from doing it wrong, fromfucking it up.
The thing is, when that youngone is at the helm, I am
thinking with the mind of a 4-5year old and the world feels big
and scary and I don't have thefull access to my adult mind
that knows it can figure thingsout, that knows I have options,
that knows I have systems ofsupport.
(21:51):
I've certainly explored some ofthese layers before and in fact
last year I went through threedifferent therapists trying to
find one to help me do more ofthis deep work.
Each one was a little betterthan the last but despite my
expressions of where I wanted togo, the focus was always on
(22:13):
providing me tools around myADHD and working in the present.
Certainly there is value inthat.
I'm always happy to get newinsights into my ADHD patterns
and learn new tools, but in thissituation it feels like trying
to use the best materials tobuild a high rise without being
sure the foundation can supportwhat I'm building.
(22:34):
So I'm shoring up thosefoundations with inner child
work and healing from complexPTSD.
Even though in some moments itsucks to be in this place, I
also know it's an opportunity toshow up for myself in new ways
and to show up for my clients innew ways To become stronger and
(22:55):
more resilient.
I found a couple therapistsrecently who are exploring those
deep layers with me and helpingme build my foundations, and
I'm using those insights toinform the work I'm doing, using
hypnotherapy and EFT tapping tofurther install new patterns.
I've also been doing a lot ofjournaling, which has been
(23:15):
really helpful in gaininginsights into the patterns.
Actually, I've been reallyproud of myself about the
journaling because I had writtena note to myself and posted it
on the wall over a year agosaying if I have the urge to
distract myself, the phone tendsto be my drug or distraction of
choice.
Instead, it would benefit me topick up a journal and notice
(23:39):
the thoughts that are coming up.
It took over a year before Ifollowed through on that note,
but I'm actually doing it nowand it's been truly amazing to
get new insights.
Typically, I'd get caught inwatching video after video, or
doing what I call trap lining.
That's something I have anupcoming newsletter article on,
(24:02):
but, in short, the name comesfrom the pattern in animals
where they visit food sources ina repeatable sequence, like
trappers checking their line oftraps.
In my case, it's where I go incircles checking to see if there
are any new emails, and thenany new Facebook messages or
posts, and then Instagram, andthen or posts, and then
Instagram, and then my texts,and then WhatsApp, and on and on
(24:24):
and on, and when I finish oneround then I'll go back and do
it all again.
I'm not being productive inthese cases, but rather using it
as a distraction to avoid doingsomething hard and or the
feelings that arise from tryingto engage with a hard task hard
and or the feelings that arisefrom trying to engage with a
hard task.
Typically, when I would getstuck in those patterns, I'd
(24:44):
wonder why can't I just pullaway from it?
And then I would feelfrustrated when hour upon hour
disappeared.
But as I've started thejournaling, it's like I'm
getting access to subconsciousrecesses of my brain that I've
not explored.
I'm getting access tosubconscious recesses of my
brain that I've not explored.
I'll share a few of thoseinsights now and over time I'll
(25:05):
share more of those explorationswith you, including where I'm
feeling stuck and what I'm doingto overcome ingrained patterns.
One of those pieces is aroundthe intersection of overwhelm as
a pattern and my relationshipto time, a combination of always
feeling like there is notenough time to do everything in
an hour or a day or a week, orthere is not enough time in life
(25:28):
.
I've been challenging thatpattern, which I'll share more
about as I gain deeper insights.
The overwhelm I remember as achild and well into adulthood.
Things like packing for a tripas one example it felt
overwhelming to think of all thethings I would need, lay them
out and pack them away.
I could not figure out where tobegin.
(25:50):
It would always seem like somemystical wizardry to be able to
get ready, and I would just wishI could just be on the other
side of the plane ride, able toget ready, and I would just wish
I could just be on the otherside of the plane ride.
There were so many steps and inwhat is a typical ADHD pattern,
I would delay and delay anddelay, because once time grew
(26:14):
very short, the adrenalinekicked in and I didn't have the
luxury of thinking and frettingover each decision.
I simply had to just do,regardless of whether it was
perfect or not, and quite oftenit was very imperfect.
I've read a lot about thatcycle since getting diagnosed in
my mid to late 40s and I'vebeen working on changing that,
though I also spent decadesinstalling that pattern, so it
(26:38):
was pretty well ingrained.
Simply being aware that that isa common part of the ADHD brain
takes a lot of the shame out ofit.
Then there's the giving myselfpermission to be imperfect,
trusting that I can figure itout, training myself that I can
(26:59):
do things that may feel hard orthat I may assume are going to
be hard, and doing things tocalm my nervous system when the
strong thoughts and feelingsstate of it's too hard, I can't
do it, I don't want to work.
So hard is shouting in theconscious and subconscious parts
of my brain that calming canhappen by doing tapping simply
(27:24):
as a nervous system relaxer, orto install new thoughts and
quiet old ones.
It can be in the form of breath, work or spending time
connecting with nature or evensharing my struggles with a safe
and trusted friend, so I feelless alone in the experience,
even though that can sometimesfeel hard too, because I can
(27:45):
judge myself for sharing thesame story over and over.
But even acknowledging that I'mdoing that makes it easier.
Another related and tangentialpattern is the pattern of
getting distracted.
Sometimes, as I've alreadyspoken about, distraction is a
tool I'll use to avoid something.
But what I'm talking about hereis being conscious to notice,
(28:07):
for example, why my hour-longmorning routine can sometimes
take three to four hours time.
That often is not available.
It can happen if, for example,I'm doing my workout routine at
home and then I think, oh, Iwant to look at a balance board
or some other thing to aid myworkouts, or some supplement, or
I remember an unrelated task orI see something out of place on
(28:30):
a shelf that I want to dealwith.
I think I'll just quickly lookit up or deal with it in 30
seconds or so, but that can takeme down a rabbit hole that
lasts 10 to 20 or 30 minutes andif I do that numerous times in
a session, sometimes I never endup completing what I'm trying
to do before I need to get ontosomething else.
(28:51):
Being conscious of that pattern, realizing I don't have to get
distracted, and even carryingaround a notepad with me so I
can jot things down, is superhelpful.
Then later I can decide whetherI want to do whatever that
impulse was or if it was just adistraction that came up in the
moment.
(29:14):
Well, that is not directlyrelated to the not enough
stories and the fear ofabandonment wounds that keep me
in freeze mode so much.
They do add to the burden ofbeing frozen, because then I
don't trust myself to be able toget things done, which adds to
the overall anxiety I notice.
At the same time as I'm feelingthe weight of my current
struggles to move forward withthis marketing plan.
(29:35):
I also feel excitement for whoI'll get to be for going through
this process.
There are definitely momentswhen I want to lie on the floor
in fetal position and just cryand have someone come and rescue
me and solve all my problemsand make it so I don't even have
to face them.
But I'm really proud of theperson I am today, how resilient
(29:58):
I am and how much growth I'vehad in my communication, my
abilities to show up for myclients in powerful ways, my
ability to show up for myselfand to reach out for support,
and I'm proud of all that I'vereleased on the social anxiety
front, which used to dominate mylife.
(30:18):
As I took a break from writingthis today, I remembered a dream
I had last night.
In it, I was walking around inpublic naked, trying to find my
way to my clothes.
I was not totally comfortable,but I was also not heavily
embarrassed.
It was awkward, but I wassimply allowing myself to be
(30:41):
exposed in service of seekingcomfort.
I'm struck by the correlationto what I'm doing right now.
It's not totally comfortable tobe exposing myself in this way,
but it is in service of notonly creating more comfort for
me but for all of us in sharingour humanness and building
(31:03):
connection, comfort and strengthby doing so.
Certainly, there are alwayshigher levels that I want to
achieve, but again, I'm superproud of how incredibly far I've
come and, as I've shared manytimes, a quote from Peter Sage
that really speaks to me is thepurpose of a goal is not to
(31:27):
achieve the goal, but to see whowe get to become on the way to
achieving that goal.
I know I'm becoming so muchstronger each and every day
through the process of sometimessystematically and sometimes
quite chaotically andagonizingly moving towards my
goals.
I want that sense of strengthand resilience for you as well.
(31:54):
Thank you for joining me on myjourney.
There are parts of me stillnervous and parts that are
saying I should rewrite this oradd or delete something, and I'm
choosing to just watch thosefeelings float by.
I'm honored that you havechosen to be here and let me
share with you.
I hope what I share isnourishing and valuable for you.
(32:17):
I hope it offers you someinsight into your own patterns,
whether they are similar or evenif they are wildly different
from my own.
If anything resonates with you,I'd love to hear what you are
taking away or even whatquestions it brings up for you.
Let's give each otherpermission to be our full selves
(32:40):
, both the amazing and the messythat resides in us all, and
please share this far and wide.
I'd be grateful if you'd put alike and a comment.
Wherever you get your podcasts.
You can find out more about meand my work on my website.
You can find out more about meand my work on my website,
(33:04):
inconnectionwithnaturecom.
If I can be of more directsupport, reach out and let's
have a conversation.
See you in the next episode orjoin me on my blog.
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