January 27, 2025 • 28 mins
In this episode of the Resilient by Design series, we dive into practical, research-backed strategies to help you proactively build resilience.
Learn how to create a toolkit that strengthens your ability to bounce back from life's challenges and thrive in the face of adversity.
We explore the importance of social support, emotional regulation, cognitive tools, problem-solving, spirituality, and self-care.
Packed with actionable steps and transformative insights, this episode is your guide to a stronger, more resilient you.
Key Takeaways:
- Social and Relational Support: The single most critical factor for long-term resilience and well-being, supported by research from the Harvard Study of Adult Development.
- Emotional Skills: Tools like mindfulness, gratitude, and savoring positive memories can help regulate emotions and access positive states.
- Cognitive Skills: Reframing stress, cultivating self-efficacy, and shifting to a growth mindset are essential for mental resilience.
- Problem-Solving: Developing small, actionable steps and embracing failure as a learning opportunity builds confidence and resilience.
- Spirituality: Connecting with something greater provides meaning, emotional comfort, and a sense of community.
- Self-Care: Practicing self-compassion, proper nutrition, exercise, and restorative sleep replenishes your energy and mental resources.
Action Step:
Pick one area of your resilience toolkit to start building this week. Take one small step today toward a more resilient you.
Learn More:
Visit jerryhenderson.org to learn more about Jerry's one-on-one coaching program and set up a free consultation.
00:00 - Introduction
01:54 - Series Recap and Today's Focus
04:07 - What is Resilience
06:10 - Overcoming a Deficit in Resilience
09:23 - Introducing the Resilience Toolkit
10:38 - Tool 1: Social and Relational Support
13:19 - Tool 2: Emotional Skills
14:20 - Tool 3: Cognitive Skills
16:20 - Tool 4: Problem-Solving Skills
20:36 - Tool 5: Spirituality and Connection
21:54 - Tool 6: Self-Care
I am grateful you are here,
Jerry
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Website:
www.jerryhenderson.org
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jerry Henderson (00:00):
That's probably a top five.
Best piece of information thatI've ever gotten in my life is
to understand I'm not a victimof where I came from, but that I
can use tools, that I can haveagency over those things, that
I'm not stuck and trapped in mycurrent level of happiness, my
current level of well-being, mycurrent level of resilience.
(00:21):
Okay, we can grow.
Hello everybody, and welcome tothis episode of the Permission
to Love podcast.
I'm your host, jerry Henderson,and I am so, so happy that
you're here today listening tothis episode.
It means a lot to me.
It means a lot to me thatyou're part of a community
that's learning how to have ahealthier relationship with
(00:41):
ourselves, how to love ourselves, accept ourselves, show
self-compassion and then havehealthy relationships in our
life.
As we learn to build a lifethat we're worthy of, instead of
just surviving, we're movingtowards thriving.
So thank you, thank you forbeing here.
How many of you know, I livehere in Colorado and man has it
(01:02):
been cold lately, and I don'tknow if it's just because I've
been away for a while and I'mjust now getting my blood to
thicken back up, but goodness,it's been cold.
And if you're listening to thispodcast here in the US.
You know what I'm talking about.
We've had some pretty unusualcold weather throughout the US,
and it's even snowed in Florida,and so it's a little bit of a
strange time Now.
(01:23):
As many of you know my wifeshe's from Brazil, and so being
here in Colorado right now hasbeen especially challenging and
especially cold for her or, asshe would say, muy frio, very
cold and so we've been in theprocess of getting her all those
layers right, her smart woolbase layers and those big heavy
coats and gloves and all thethings that she needs so that
(01:43):
she's staying nice and warm.
And so if you're listening tothis and you're in one of those
places where it's kind ofunusually cold for you, I want
to encourage you to stay safeand stay warm Now.
Today we're continuing ourseries on Resilient by Design,
and this is the final episode inthat series.
Today we're going to be pullingeverything together by talking
(02:05):
about building your resiliencetoolkit the practical,
actionable steps that you cantake on a daily, weekly, monthly
basis to help you thrive, tohelp you build that resilience,
so you can navigate through allof the things that life has a
tendency to throw at us.
Now, before we dive into thedetails about how to build that
resilience toolkit.
(02:26):
I just want to take a moment doa quick recap.
So far, we've talked about whatis resilience.
We're going to unpack that justa little bit more here in a
second.
We've also talked about theimpact that trauma can have on
resilience.
We talked about how some ofthose early painful experiences
that we've had in our life canshape our capacity for
resilience.
But we also talked about how itdoesn't have to define us,
(02:47):
though, right, just because wehad those experiences either in
childhood or later in life thatmay have robbed us from some of
our capacity for resilience.
It does not have to define usand we can still build
resilience.
We also had an episode onemotional resilience.
How do we develop the skills toregulate and cope with our
(03:07):
emotions effectively?
We also talked about how can weaccess or create positive
emotions, right, and how can weemotionally regulate with tools
like mindfulness, gratitude andsavoring positive memories.
And then last week we talkedabout developing our mental
resilience through things likereframing our challenges,
cultivating self-efficacy or thebelief that we can handle the
(03:31):
problems that we face, and thenalso building a stronger mindset
, moving from a fixed mindset toa growth mindset, and so we've
covered a lot and it's been areal joy to go through this
process with you.
And then today we're going totalk about how we can pull all
of that and some other thingstogether so that you have a
resilience toolkit, so that youcan proactively strengthen your
(03:55):
resilience and increase youroverall well-being.
Sound fair, perfect, let's getinto it.
So let's just take a moment andreview what is resilience.
Get into it.
So let's just take a moment andreview what is resilience.
Resilience is about our overallwell-being and our ability to
bounce back from adversity.
Think of it like this when weexperience adversity, whether
it's big or it's small, we oftenfeel a dip in our overall
(04:19):
well-being.
It takes us down.
Somebody says something thatoffends us and we can spend days
ruminating on that and tryingto figure out what they meant.
Or, if we have greater levelsof resilience, we can experience
those negative words, have it,maybe, throw us off for a minute
or two, but then we can go onabout our day.
We don't have to stay down inthat slump.
(04:42):
So resilience really is abouthow long do we stay in that dip
and how effectively we rise backup out of that dip.
So, if you think about it likethis you have a set point of
well-being or happiness rightnow and somebody comes along and
says something, or you have anevent in your life that dips you
down.
It impacts you mentally,emotionally or maybe even
(05:04):
physically, so that event hastaken you down below your normal
state of overall well-being.
And resilience is about howlong do you stay in that dip,
how long does it take you torecover.
You see, if we stay in that dipfor too long, we can wind up
with a new set point of overallwell-being.
(05:25):
We can get into things likedepression, anxiety that stays
with us for the long term,versus being able to have the
tools, the skills that we needto allow us to come back up out
of that dip and then shorten theamount of time that we stay in
that dip.
And then, when we come out ofthat dip, are we coming out
(05:45):
stronger?
Because resilience can be aboutnot just bringing you back to
your previous set point, butincreasing your set point of
overall well-being and happiness, because you're showing
yourself that you can handleadversity.
You're getting stronger, you'reworking that muscle and as
you're working that muscle ofresilience, your overall
(06:06):
well-being is getting higher andhigher.
Now here's something I just wantto take a moment and point out,
because in this podcast, we dotalk a lot about trauma and the
impact that it's had on us, andso if you are a person who
didn't grow up with theprotective factors, right,
there's some protective factorsthat research shows that if we
(06:28):
have them in our life, they canhelp protect our levels of
resilience and our overallwell-being.
Some of those are a stable homeenvironment, a positive adult
figure in our life, etc.
So there's some of thoseprotective factors and if you
didn't have those, I just wantto point out again that that
does not mean that you cannotintentionally build resilience
(06:52):
now.
Yes, do some of us feel likewe're starting at a deficit?
Yes, we do, and the truth is wemight be, but that doesn't
change the fact that we canbuild resilience, and resilience
is something you build.
You know, one of the things thatwas always a challenge for me
is I thought I should just behappy or I should just be
resilient, and because Istruggled with being happy or I
(07:15):
struggled with being resilient,it felt like there was something
wrong with me and it didn'tseem fair that you had to like
work at being happy or work atbeing resilient, but the truth
is, everybody's got to work atthose things and, yes, do some
people just, biologically andenvironmentally, have a higher
set point of resilience?
Yes, 100%.
(07:36):
But that, once again, does notmean that there's something
wrong with you and it doesn'tmean that you can't build
resilience.
That's probably a top five.
Best piece of information thatI've ever gotten in my life is
to understand I'm not a victimof where I came from, but that I
can use tools, that I can haveagency over those things, that
(07:58):
I'm not stuck and trapped in mycurrent level of happiness, my
current level of well-being, mycurrent level of resilience.
Okay, we can grow and, yes, ittakes effort.
But, like I tell many peoplethat I'm coaching, you know what
?
Six months from now, a yearfrom now, you're going to be
here and you can either be herewith a 10, 20, 30, 40%
(08:21):
improvement or you can be stuckat the same set point that you
are right now.
And if a person will begin tounderstand that they have the
agency, they have self-efficacy,the ability to face their
problems and they have the toolsand the resources inside of
them and they can see that andthen they're willing to do the
(08:42):
work over the period of timethat it's going to take, not
trying to rush it, except thefact that growth is 3%, 5%, 10%,
getting better and better alongthe way, and we look back six
months, 12 months, from the daythat we started and we notice
growth.
That's better than tapping outbecause you feel like after a
(09:05):
month it hasn't worked or youshould be further along than you
are right now.
No, this is a process.
It takes time, but you're worththat process and you are worth
the time that it's going to taketo build the resilience that
you need to create and sustainthe life that you want.
Okay, so let's jump intobuilding this resilience toolkit
(09:26):
Now.
I want you to think of thisresilience toolkit as a
collection of practices andhabits that you can proactively
engage in that are going tostrengthen your ability to
thrive.
It's like I said earlier it's amuscle.
You strengthen it over time.
You're building a baseline,you're increasing that baseline,
you're stacking up the wins sothat, when challenges come,
(09:47):
you've already laid a reallygood foundation and you know how
to thrive.
You know how to bounce backfrom the challenges that you
face.
So I want you to think aboutthis toolkit not as just
something that you pull out whencrisis shows up or when things
are tough.
No, this toolkit is aboutbuilding and strengthening your
foundation so that when thechallenges do come, when the
(10:10):
storms come, when thefrustrating relationships or
life, life's right, and it justshows up and does what it does.
You've already strengthenedyourself.
You've done the things thatresearch shows very clearly are
going to help increase yourbaseline or your set point of
your overall resilience, and sothose things aren't going to
(10:30):
have as big of an impact on youand you're going to have the
ability to get out of that dip alot faster and with a greater
overall sense of well-being.
Okay, so here's the things thatresearch is very clear about can
help you build your overallresilience.
And then I want to encourageyou to put into your resilience
toolkit number one social andrelational support.
(10:52):
The Harvard study of adultdevelopment it's the longest
running study on happiness.
It shows that strongrelationships are the most I
want to say that again the mostcritical factor in resilience
and long-term well-being.
There's also research from thehow of Happiness that shows how
important relationships are forour overall happiness and
(11:15):
well-being, and that researchalso highlights the importance
of both active support, somebodyactually engaging with you and
helping you, but also perceivedsupport having the belief or the
perception that you have peoplein your life that you can call
on, that can help you when youneed them to, is a big factor in
our overall resilience, becausewe know in the back of our mind
(11:38):
that we have people that canshow up for us if we need them
to.
Now the research also showsthat it doesn't have to be a
whole group of people that youbelieve are going to be able to
show up for you or a whole groupof people that you have to be
connected with to get thebenefits of social and
relational support.
Research is clear it only needsto be one person.
(12:00):
So if you have one person inyour life and this can be a
therapist, this can be a coach,this can be a minister, this can
be a friend, it can be yourintimate partner.
Whatever it is, it's importantto have at least one person in
your life that you believe willbe there for you, that will
support you.
If you're struggling with this,I want to encourage you.
(12:21):
A little tip for you.
You can do a couple of things.
One you can connect with aprofessional who can help you
and provide that support for you, or you can also identify one
person in your life that youtrust and start deepening that
connection, share with themopenly, start spending more
quality time together with themand begin to build a bond where
you feel like that person issomebody that you could call on
(12:44):
if you needed to.
This is really important, guys.
If you have one area that youcould choose to increase your
overall resilience, happinessand well-being, it's having
social and relational support.
So, if you don't have it, findthe way to get it and, like I
said, if you have to do it witha professional, do it with a
(13:06):
professional and then, whenyou're working with that
professional professional, do itwith a professional and then,
when you're working with thatprofessional, set goals for how
you can expand that socialsupport in your life beyond just
working with that professional.
Okay, the second piece of yourresilience toolkit is your
emotional skills, your emotionalresilience, and we talked about
this in a previous episode, andthis is really about learning
(13:26):
to regulate your emotions ratherthan being controlled by them.
According to research that wementioned in previous episodes
by Dr Barbara Fredrickson, beingable to access positive
emotions can broaden.
Our ability to seeopportunities can broaden our
ability to take action, and then, when we do that, it's also
going to begin to build ourenduring personal resources, or
(13:50):
that sense that we can go withinand find the resources that we
need to tackle these problems aswe begin to shift from negative
emotions to positive emotions.
Now, just as a quick recap,some of the tools around
emotional skills and emotionalregulation are things like
mindfulness, the ability toengage in things like deep
(14:10):
breathing, gratitude practicesand savoring positive memories
All of those really important inour ability to develop
emotional resilience.
Another key component iscognitive skills, or ability to
have mental resilience, and onceagain, we did an episode on
that as a part of this series,and so, if you haven't listened
(14:31):
to that one, take a moment afterthis and go back and listen to
that, because I think it'llreally help you.
This is what I mentionedearlier about our ability to
reframe challenges, the beliefthat we can handle challenges,
and then strengthening ourmindset.
Now, once again, I just want tonote that the research is clear
, and Dr Kelly McGonigal didsome research on this that
(14:51):
demonstrated that viewing stressas manageable, that one thing
of just being able to look atstress as something that's
manageable will improve youroverall resilience and
well-being.
And I find that fascinating thefact that I can reframe it and
look at stress not as somethingthat is bad, that's going to
(15:12):
mess my life up, or that Ishouldn't be feeling stressed
and I should be able to figureout how to do it better than I
am.
Getting rid of all that storyand just looking at stress for
what?
Stress is a part of life and itshows up.
And if I look at it assomething that's negative and I
start to retreat from it andstart to crumble under the
pressure of it, I'm going todecrease my capacity to handle
(15:33):
stress.
It's like a downward spiral.
Right when I see stress isunmanageable, I avoid it.
Then I have less ability todeal with stress.
So the next stressful thingthat shows up, I can't deal with
that and I just start to spiraldownward.
And instead of that, if we'lllook at it and go, you know what
Stress shows up?
Yes, it feels stressful.
(15:53):
Yes, it feels uncomfortable.
I want to be able toacknowledge that, but it doesn't
mean that it's bad.
That doesn't mean that there'ssomething wrong with me, that
this is showing up in my life.
Okay, you can then reframe itand start to take action towards
it.
Which then leads me to thefourth thing.
That's a part of this toolkit,which is problem-solving skills.
(16:14):
Here's the truth, guys Avoidingproblems weakens our resilience
over time.
I just mentioned it, but I wantto repeat it and I'll repeat it
one more time when we avoid ourproblems, it actually weakens
our ability to face problems.
Throughout our life, the muscleof resilience begins to atrophy
(16:36):
.
We haven't been using thatmuscle and so when we need it,
it's not there.
And if that's where you're atright now, I want to say that's
okay.
Guess what?
We're going to go to theresilience gym.
We're going to start buildingthe muscle by practicing the
things that are in this toolkit,going back to some of the
episodes we've already done onthis and beginning to put some
(16:57):
of those things in place.
There's no other way around it.
We can't build resiliencewithout having adversity, and we
can't have resilience withoutfacing that adversity, finding
ways to problem solve instead ofavoiding it.
Now, this isn't about tacklingthe problem overnight, figuring
(17:18):
it out all at once, having thesolution just come to you right.
For many of us, if we don'tknow what to do, we think
there's something wrong with us,that we don't know what to do.
And here's something I justwant to encourage you on Solving
problems isn't like turning alight switch on in the room
right when all of a sudden youflipped on the light and wow,
everything's clear, I know whatto do.
Problem solved.
No.
Problem solving is aboutraising the dimmer switch.
(17:40):
Little by little by little, weget a little bit more clarity.
We can see the things that weneed to do, and often the next
step that we need to take insolving the problem presents
itself after the first step andthen that next step and then the
step after that becomes moreand more clear.
So if you don't know what to do,that doesn't mean that you need
(18:02):
to or have to avoid the problem.
You don't have to get intoanalysis, paralysis.
All you need to do is take onestep, a small step.
How do you do that?
Well, you break those bigchallenges down into manageable
steps and then you start small.
You set achievable goals thatyou can then build momentum from
(18:25):
, and then you celebrate thewins along the way to reinforce
your progress and reinforce thereward system in your brain that
says I wanna do more of this.
I wanna continue to pushtowards solving my problems, not
avoiding them.
Okay, and problem-solving skillsare something that you develop.
They're something that youlearn.
It's a lot of what I do incoaching is becoming a partner
(18:47):
in thinking with people on howcan they cognitively reframe the
situation, come up withsolutions, look within to find
that strength and then todevelop very clear steps that
they can start to take to solvethe problem instead of
continuing to kick the problemdown the road.
So I want to encourage you.
If you currently feel like youdon't have a lot of
(19:08):
problem-solving skills, you canlearn them, and the way that we
learn them is by doing it,taking risks, taking one step at
a time.
And if you make the wrongdecision and it was the wrong
step that's okay, because atleast you're moving forward.
I often like to tell people youcannot steer a parked car.
When the car is parked or whenyou're parked, you're going to
(19:31):
stay stuck forever.
But if you get the car or yourlife out of park into drive,
you're going to start makingmovement forward and you can
adjust.
Maybe you went a little too farto the left or a little too far
to the right.
Maybe you took a step forwardand you took two back.
That's okay, because at leastmovement is happening and at
least we can learn.
(19:52):
That's the key about developinga problem-solving skill set is
learning.
We don't look at setbacks asfailure.
We look at them asopportunities to go hey, that
didn't work, what else couldwork?
And we get curious and we don'tget into self-judgment, we
don't beat ourselves up becausewe didn't figure it out on the
first try.
We go no, you know what Didn'tfigure that out.
(20:13):
Let me see if I can try it thisway.
How did that feel?
Felt good to me?
Okay, I had some good results.
Let me try more of that.
And that's just how we do it,guys.
There's like nothing sexy ormagical about the process of
change.
It is experimentation, it'sforward momentum, it's learning,
it's partnership, it's all ofthose things together to figure
out how change happens.
(20:33):
All right, now let's move on tothe next tool.
That's part of this toolkit andit's spirituality, or the
connection to something bigger.
So, whether it's faith orpractices of meditation or
mindfulness, whatever it is foryou to be able to connect with
something that's bigger andgreater than you, all the
research shows that spiritualitycan be a big part of resilience
(20:57):
.
Why?
Because it helps provideemotional comfort.
It provides the ability to makemeaning out of what's happening
.
It can provide a sense of aweand wonder which activates a
part of our brain that reframesand reshapes the challenges that
we're facing, and it can alsoprovide a very meaningful
community that's supportive andit can help us when we're
(21:20):
struggling.
I want to be clear this isn't apromo for any type of faith,
any type of religion.
This is just simply statingthat the research shows that
when we have connection tosomething bigger, grander in us,
as a part of our life, thatinspires a sense of awe, that
connects us with people, thatprovides emotional comfort and
(21:41):
that allows us to make meaningfrom the suffering or reframe it
, it has a very positiveinfluence and is a big
protective factor in our overallwell-being and our levels of
resilience.
All right, the last tool thatwe're going to talk about is
self-care.
And listen, if I didn't talkabout self-care as a part of
this toolkit, it probablywouldn't be a toolkit that we
(22:04):
would be talking about on thePermission to Love podcast,
because, as you know, so much ofwhat we talk about on this
podcast is about our ability tohave a healthy relationship with
ourselves, learning how to loveourselves, learning how to take
care of ourselves, because ourrelationship with ourselves is
the most important relationshipin our life.
Why?
Because it determines everyother relationship in our life.
(22:26):
It determines how we see people, how we see life and, most
importantly, how we seeourselves.
And how we see ourselves iswhat we then begin to pursue,
it's what we begin to tolerate,it's what we begin to manifest
in our life.
So self-care is absolutelyessential for maintaining
resilience.
Now, what are some practicalself-care things that you can do
(22:47):
?
Well, research from the Journalof Occupational Health
Psychology shows that activitieslike exercise, proper nutrition
and sleep help replenish yourenergy and your mental resources
.
You know, if those things arelow, your overall resilience is
low.
If you're not feeling goodphysically, if you things are
low, your overall resilience islow.
If you're not feeling goodphysically, if you're not
getting the right type of food,if you're not getting enough
(23:08):
sleep, of course your resilienceis going to be low.
And those are very lovingthings toward yourself.
And not only are they lovingthings toward yourself, they're
also building your resilience,your ability to bounce back from
the challenges that you face.
Now, another big part ofself-care is self-compassion and
unconditional self-acceptance.
Those things have been showntime and time again in research
(23:31):
to build overall resilience.
And, as you know, I love andoften quote the work by Dr
Kristen Neff and it's reallyclear the research that she's
done shows that self-compassionwill improve your emotional
resilience and reduces fatigueand burnout and increases your
overall well-being.
I mean, think about it.
It takes a lot of energy to bein there beating the heck out of
(23:54):
yourself all the time, to bejudging yourself and being harsh
to yourself.
All of that takes a lot ofenergy and no wonder we're tired
, no wonder we're fatigued.
When we're practicing thosethings, when we're highly
critical, when we're highlyjudgmental of ourselves, that is
absolutely reducing ourresilience because it's sucking
the life out of us, it's suckingour energy out of us.
(24:15):
I mean, think about it.
When you're in there doing that,do you come away feeling good,
recharged with positive emotions?
No, you come out of therefeeling like Eeyore.
If you're not familiar withEeyore, winnie the Pooh
character, and so you know, lifeis gloomy and doomy.
When you're up there doing allthat stuff to yourself, that's
what you're producing and nowonder you don't have a lot of
(24:37):
resilience.
And I gotta tell you this islike one of the key places, one
of the first starters for me inworking with people is how is
that relationship with yourself?
How are you talking to yourself?
How are you treating yourself?
You're burned out.
Absolutely you're burned out,and part of the reason you're
burned out is because ofeverything that's going on up
there.
And if you can relax that, ifyou can begin to get at peace
(24:57):
with yourself, your overallstress waterline is going to
start to reduce.
You're going to feel less likeyou're on red alert because
you're no longer feeling likeyou're on red alert against
yourself.
And I'm just so adamant aboutthis because it is a game
changer for you when you showyourself that you're worthy of
(25:18):
taking care of yourself,exercising, eating right and
being kind to yourself throughpractices of self-compassion and
self-acceptance.
Those are absolutelyrevolutionary game changers in
our life when we start topractice them.
Now, if you need help on how topractice self-care, how to
practice self-love lots ofepisodes in this podcast, I mean
(25:40):
it's so much of the contentthat we do here.
It's about how to do thosethings and I want to encourage
you build in at least oneself-care practice that you can
do each week and then move it toeach day.
I mean it could be as simple astelling yourself that you love
yourself.
When you get out of bed andyou're brushing your teeth, when
you're looking in that mirror,tell yourself that I love you,
(26:03):
even if you don't believe it.
Even if you don't feel it, lookat yourself in the eyes and
tell yourself I love you.
And commit to do that for 30days and see what happens in
your life.
See what changes.
You got nothing to lose, right?
You might just feel betterabout yourself in 30 days.
If you don't change something,you're probably going to feel
the way that you do now in 30days.
(26:24):
And if you need a reminder, puta sticky note on the mirror.
Write it on your mirror withlipstick or a whiteboard marker
or whatever you have, and putthe words I love you and say
that to yourself.
It will transform your life andit will absolutely build your
resilience because all of asudden, you're becoming your own
(26:46):
best friend.
You're becoming a protectivefactor in your life for
resilience.
It will absolutely change yourlife.
Well, there you have itResearch-backed, evidence-based
tools that can help you buildyour resilience.
Number one social and relationalsupport.
Number two emotional skills tobuild your emotional resilience.
(27:10):
Number three cognitive skillsto build your mental resilience.
Number four buildingproblem-solving skills.
Number five spirituality, orthat connection to something
bigger than yourself.
And then number six practicesof self-care.
Now, if you'd like additionalsupport on developing your
resilience toolkit, I want toencourage you to check out my
(27:31):
one-on-one coaching program.
You can see the show notes inthis episode or, once again, you
can go to my website atjerryhendersonorg.
Set up a free consultation call.
We'll spend time together andwe'll see if working together is
the right fit.
Now, if you found this episodehelpful, I want to encourage you
share it with somebody that youknow, because if it's making a
difference in your life and it'shelpful for you, it'll also be
(27:53):
helpful for them.
I just want to say thank youagain for being here, and I want
to remind you, as always, thatyou are worthy of your own love.
That's probably a top five.
Best piece of information thatI've ever gotten in my life is
to understand I'm not a victimof where I came from, but that I
can use tools, that I can haveagency over those things, that
I'm not stuck and trapped in mycurrent level of happiness, my
current level of well-being, mycurrent level of resilience.
(00:21):
Okay, we can grow.
Hello everybody, and welcome tothis episode of the Permission
to Love podcast.
I'm your host, jerry Henderson,and I am so, so happy that
you're here today listening tothis episode.
It means a lot to me.
It means a lot to me thatyou're part of a community
that's learning how to have ahealthier relationship with
(00:41):
ourselves, how to love ourselves, accept ourselves, show
self-compassion and then havehealthy relationships in our
life.
As we learn to build a lifethat we're worthy of, instead of
just surviving, we're movingtowards thriving.
So thank you, thank you forbeing here.
How many of you know, I livehere in Colorado and man has it
(01:02):
been cold lately, and I don'tknow if it's just because I've
been away for a while and I'mjust now getting my blood to
thicken back up, but goodness,it's been cold.
And if you're listening to thispodcast here in the US.
You know what I'm talking about.
We've had some pretty unusualcold weather throughout the US,
and it's even snowed in Florida,and so it's a little bit of a
strange time Now.
(01:23):
As many of you know my wifeshe's from Brazil, and so being
here in Colorado right now hasbeen especially challenging and
especially cold for her or, asshe would say, muy frio, very
cold and so we've been in theprocess of getting her all those
layers right, her smart woolbase layers and those big heavy
coats and gloves and all thethings that she needs so that
(01:43):
she's staying nice and warm.
And so if you're listening tothis and you're in one of those
places where it's kind ofunusually cold for you, I want
to encourage you to stay safeand stay warm Now.
Today we're continuing ourseries on Resilient by Design,
and this is the final episode inthat series.
Today we're going to be pullingeverything together by talking
(02:05):
about building your resiliencetoolkit the practical,
actionable steps that you cantake on a daily, weekly, monthly
basis to help you thrive, tohelp you build that resilience,
so you can navigate through allof the things that life has a
tendency to throw at us.
Now, before we dive into thedetails about how to build that
resilience toolkit.
(02:26):
I just want to take a moment doa quick recap.
So far, we've talked about whatis resilience.
We're going to unpack that justa little bit more here in a
second.
We've also talked about theimpact that trauma can have on
resilience.
We talked about how some ofthose early painful experiences
that we've had in our life canshape our capacity for
resilience.
But we also talked about how itdoesn't have to define us,
(02:47):
though, right, just because wehad those experiences either in
childhood or later in life thatmay have robbed us from some of
our capacity for resilience.
It does not have to define usand we can still build
resilience.
We also had an episode onemotional resilience.
How do we develop the skills toregulate and cope with our
(03:07):
emotions effectively?
We also talked about how can weaccess or create positive
emotions, right, and how can weemotionally regulate with tools
like mindfulness, gratitude andsavoring positive memories.
And then last week we talkedabout developing our mental
resilience through things likereframing our challenges,
cultivating self-efficacy or thebelief that we can handle the
(03:31):
problems that we face, and thenalso building a stronger mindset
, moving from a fixed mindset toa growth mindset, and so we've
covered a lot and it's been areal joy to go through this
process with you.
And then today we're going totalk about how we can pull all
of that and some other thingstogether so that you have a
resilience toolkit, so that youcan proactively strengthen your
(03:55):
resilience and increase youroverall well-being.
Sound fair, perfect, let's getinto it.
So let's just take a moment andreview what is resilience.
Get into it.
So let's just take a moment andreview what is resilience.
Resilience is about our overallwell-being and our ability to
bounce back from adversity.
Think of it like this when weexperience adversity, whether
it's big or it's small, we oftenfeel a dip in our overall
(04:19):
well-being.
It takes us down.
Somebody says something thatoffends us and we can spend days
ruminating on that and tryingto figure out what they meant.
Or, if we have greater levelsof resilience, we can experience
those negative words, have it,maybe, throw us off for a minute
or two, but then we can go onabout our day.
We don't have to stay down inthat slump.
(04:42):
So resilience really is abouthow long do we stay in that dip
and how effectively we rise backup out of that dip.
So, if you think about it likethis you have a set point of
well-being or happiness rightnow and somebody comes along and
says something, or you have anevent in your life that dips you
down.
It impacts you mentally,emotionally or maybe even
(05:04):
physically, so that event hastaken you down below your normal
state of overall well-being.
And resilience is about howlong do you stay in that dip,
how long does it take you torecover.
You see, if we stay in that dipfor too long, we can wind up
with a new set point of overallwell-being.
(05:25):
We can get into things likedepression, anxiety that stays
with us for the long term,versus being able to have the
tools, the skills that we needto allow us to come back up out
of that dip and then shorten theamount of time that we stay in
that dip.
And then, when we come out ofthat dip, are we coming out
(05:45):
stronger?
Because resilience can be aboutnot just bringing you back to
your previous set point, butincreasing your set point of
overall well-being and happiness, because you're showing
yourself that you can handleadversity.
You're getting stronger, you'reworking that muscle and as
you're working that muscle ofresilience, your overall
(06:06):
well-being is getting higher andhigher.
Now here's something I just wantto take a moment and point out,
because in this podcast, we dotalk a lot about trauma and the
impact that it's had on us, andso if you are a person who
didn't grow up with theprotective factors, right,
there's some protective factorsthat research shows that if we
(06:28):
have them in our life, they canhelp protect our levels of
resilience and our overallwell-being.
Some of those are a stable homeenvironment, a positive adult
figure in our life, etc.
So there's some of thoseprotective factors and if you
didn't have those, I just wantto point out again that that
does not mean that you cannotintentionally build resilience
(06:52):
now.
Yes, do some of us feel likewe're starting at a deficit?
Yes, we do, and the truth is wemight be, but that doesn't
change the fact that we canbuild resilience, and resilience
is something you build.
You know, one of the things thatwas always a challenge for me
is I thought I should just behappy or I should just be
resilient, and because Istruggled with being happy or I
(07:15):
struggled with being resilient,it felt like there was something
wrong with me and it didn'tseem fair that you had to like
work at being happy or work atbeing resilient, but the truth
is, everybody's got to work atthose things and, yes, do some
people just, biologically andenvironmentally, have a higher
set point of resilience?
Yes, 100%.
(07:36):
But that, once again, does notmean that there's something
wrong with you and it doesn'tmean that you can't build
resilience.
That's probably a top five.
Best piece of information thatI've ever gotten in my life is
to understand I'm not a victimof where I came from, but that I
can use tools, that I can haveagency over those things, that
(07:58):
I'm not stuck and trapped in mycurrent level of happiness, my
current level of well-being, mycurrent level of resilience.
Okay, we can grow and, yes, ittakes effort.
But, like I tell many peoplethat I'm coaching, you know what
?
Six months from now, a yearfrom now, you're going to be
here and you can either be herewith a 10, 20, 30, 40%
(08:21):
improvement or you can be stuckat the same set point that you
are right now.
And if a person will begin tounderstand that they have the
agency, they have self-efficacy,the ability to face their
problems and they have the toolsand the resources inside of
them and they can see that andthen they're willing to do the
(08:42):
work over the period of timethat it's going to take, not
trying to rush it, except thefact that growth is 3%, 5%, 10%,
getting better and better alongthe way, and we look back six
months, 12 months, from the daythat we started and we notice
growth.
That's better than tapping outbecause you feel like after a
(09:05):
month it hasn't worked or youshould be further along than you
are right now.
No, this is a process.
It takes time, but you're worththat process and you are worth
the time that it's going to taketo build the resilience that
you need to create and sustainthe life that you want.
Okay, so let's jump intobuilding this resilience toolkit
(09:26):
Now.
I want you to think of thisresilience toolkit as a
collection of practices andhabits that you can proactively
engage in that are going tostrengthen your ability to
thrive.
It's like I said earlier it's amuscle.
You strengthen it over time.
You're building a baseline,you're increasing that baseline,
you're stacking up the wins sothat, when challenges come,
(09:47):
you've already laid a reallygood foundation and you know how
to thrive.
You know how to bounce backfrom the challenges that you
face.
So I want you to think aboutthis toolkit not as just
something that you pull out whencrisis shows up or when things
are tough.
No, this toolkit is aboutbuilding and strengthening your
foundation so that when thechallenges do come, when the
(10:10):
storms come, when thefrustrating relationships or
life, life's right, and it justshows up and does what it does.
You've already strengthenedyourself.
You've done the things thatresearch shows very clearly are
going to help increase yourbaseline or your set point of
your overall resilience, and sothose things aren't going to
(10:30):
have as big of an impact on youand you're going to have the
ability to get out of that dip alot faster and with a greater
overall sense of well-being.
Okay, so here's the things thatresearch is very clear about can
help you build your overallresilience.
And then I want to encourageyou to put into your resilience
toolkit number one social andrelational support.
(10:52):
The Harvard study of adultdevelopment it's the longest
running study on happiness.
It shows that strongrelationships are the most I
want to say that again the mostcritical factor in resilience
and long-term well-being.
There's also research from thehow of Happiness that shows how
important relationships are forour overall happiness and
(11:15):
well-being, and that researchalso highlights the importance
of both active support, somebodyactually engaging with you and
helping you, but also perceivedsupport having the belief or the
perception that you have peoplein your life that you can call
on, that can help you when youneed them to, is a big factor in
our overall resilience, becausewe know in the back of our mind
(11:38):
that we have people that canshow up for us if we need them
to.
Now the research also showsthat it doesn't have to be a
whole group of people that youbelieve are going to be able to
show up for you or a whole groupof people that you have to be
connected with to get thebenefits of social and
relational support.
Research is clear it only needsto be one person.
(12:00):
So if you have one person inyour life and this can be a
therapist, this can be a coach,this can be a minister, this can
be a friend, it can be yourintimate partner.
Whatever it is, it's importantto have at least one person in
your life that you believe willbe there for you, that will
support you.
If you're struggling with this,I want to encourage you.
(12:21):
A little tip for you.
You can do a couple of things.
One you can connect with aprofessional who can help you
and provide that support for you, or you can also identify one
person in your life that youtrust and start deepening that
connection, share with themopenly, start spending more
quality time together with themand begin to build a bond where
you feel like that person issomebody that you could call on
(12:44):
if you needed to.
This is really important, guys.
If you have one area that youcould choose to increase your
overall resilience, happinessand well-being, it's having
social and relational support.
So, if you don't have it, findthe way to get it and, like I
said, if you have to do it witha professional, do it with a
(13:06):
professional and then, whenyou're working with that
professional professional, do itwith a professional and then,
when you're working with thatprofessional, set goals for how
you can expand that socialsupport in your life beyond just
working with that professional.
Okay, the second piece of yourresilience toolkit is your
emotional skills, your emotionalresilience, and we talked about
this in a previous episode, andthis is really about learning
(13:26):
to regulate your emotions ratherthan being controlled by them.
According to research that wementioned in previous episodes
by Dr Barbara Fredrickson, beingable to access positive
emotions can broaden.
Our ability to seeopportunities can broaden our
ability to take action, and then, when we do that, it's also
going to begin to build ourenduring personal resources, or
(13:50):
that sense that we can go withinand find the resources that we
need to tackle these problems aswe begin to shift from negative
emotions to positive emotions.
Now, just as a quick recap,some of the tools around
emotional skills and emotionalregulation are things like
mindfulness, the ability toengage in things like deep
(14:10):
breathing, gratitude practicesand savoring positive memories
All of those really important inour ability to develop
emotional resilience.
Another key component iscognitive skills, or ability to
have mental resilience, and onceagain, we did an episode on
that as a part of this series,and so, if you haven't listened
(14:31):
to that one, take a moment afterthis and go back and listen to
that, because I think it'llreally help you.
This is what I mentionedearlier about our ability to
reframe challenges, the beliefthat we can handle challenges,
and then strengthening ourmindset.
Now, once again, I just want tonote that the research is clear
, and Dr Kelly McGonigal didsome research on this that
(14:51):
demonstrated that viewing stressas manageable, that one thing
of just being able to look atstress as something that's
manageable will improve youroverall resilience and
well-being.
And I find that fascinating thefact that I can reframe it and
look at stress not as somethingthat is bad, that's going to
(15:12):
mess my life up, or that Ishouldn't be feeling stressed
and I should be able to figureout how to do it better than I
am.
Getting rid of all that storyand just looking at stress for
what?
Stress is a part of life and itshows up.
And if I look at it assomething that's negative and I
start to retreat from it andstart to crumble under the
pressure of it, I'm going todecrease my capacity to handle
(15:33):
stress.
It's like a downward spiral.
Right when I see stress isunmanageable, I avoid it.
Then I have less ability todeal with stress.
So the next stressful thingthat shows up, I can't deal with
that and I just start to spiraldownward.
And instead of that, if we'lllook at it and go, you know what
Stress shows up?
Yes, it feels stressful.
(15:53):
Yes, it feels uncomfortable.
I want to be able toacknowledge that, but it doesn't
mean that it's bad.
That doesn't mean that there'ssomething wrong with me, that
this is showing up in my life.
Okay, you can then reframe itand start to take action towards
it.
Which then leads me to thefourth thing.
That's a part of this toolkit,which is problem-solving skills.
(16:14):
Here's the truth, guys Avoidingproblems weakens our resilience
over time.
I just mentioned it, but I wantto repeat it and I'll repeat it
one more time when we avoid ourproblems, it actually weakens
our ability to face problems.
Throughout our life, the muscleof resilience begins to atrophy
(16:36):
.
We haven't been using thatmuscle and so when we need it,
it's not there.
And if that's where you're atright now, I want to say that's
okay.
Guess what?
We're going to go to theresilience gym.
We're going to start buildingthe muscle by practicing the
things that are in this toolkit,going back to some of the
episodes we've already done onthis and beginning to put some
(16:57):
of those things in place.
There's no other way around it.
We can't build resiliencewithout having adversity, and we
can't have resilience withoutfacing that adversity, finding
ways to problem solve instead ofavoiding it.
Now, this isn't about tacklingthe problem overnight, figuring
(17:18):
it out all at once, having thesolution just come to you right.
For many of us, if we don'tknow what to do, we think
there's something wrong with us,that we don't know what to do.
And here's something I justwant to encourage you on Solving
problems isn't like turning alight switch on in the room
right when all of a sudden youflipped on the light and wow,
everything's clear, I know whatto do.
Problem solved.
No.
Problem solving is aboutraising the dimmer switch.
(17:40):
Little by little by little, weget a little bit more clarity.
We can see the things that weneed to do, and often the next
step that we need to take insolving the problem presents
itself after the first step andthen that next step and then the
step after that becomes moreand more clear.
So if you don't know what to do,that doesn't mean that you need
(18:02):
to or have to avoid the problem.
You don't have to get intoanalysis, paralysis.
All you need to do is take onestep, a small step.
How do you do that?
Well, you break those bigchallenges down into manageable
steps and then you start small.
You set achievable goals thatyou can then build momentum from
(18:25):
, and then you celebrate thewins along the way to reinforce
your progress and reinforce thereward system in your brain that
says I wanna do more of this.
I wanna continue to pushtowards solving my problems, not
avoiding them.
Okay, and problem-solving skillsare something that you develop.
They're something that youlearn.
It's a lot of what I do incoaching is becoming a partner
(18:47):
in thinking with people on howcan they cognitively reframe the
situation, come up withsolutions, look within to find
that strength and then todevelop very clear steps that
they can start to take to solvethe problem instead of
continuing to kick the problemdown the road.
So I want to encourage you.
If you currently feel like youdon't have a lot of
(19:08):
problem-solving skills, you canlearn them, and the way that we
learn them is by doing it,taking risks, taking one step at
a time.
And if you make the wrongdecision and it was the wrong
step that's okay, because atleast you're moving forward.
I often like to tell people youcannot steer a parked car.
When the car is parked or whenyou're parked, you're going to
(19:31):
stay stuck forever.
But if you get the car or yourlife out of park into drive,
you're going to start makingmovement forward and you can
adjust.
Maybe you went a little too farto the left or a little too far
to the right.
Maybe you took a step forwardand you took two back.
That's okay, because at leastmovement is happening and at
least we can learn.
(19:52):
That's the key about developinga problem-solving skill set is
learning.
We don't look at setbacks asfailure.
We look at them asopportunities to go hey, that
didn't work, what else couldwork?
And we get curious and we don'tget into self-judgment, we
don't beat ourselves up becausewe didn't figure it out on the
first try.
We go no, you know what Didn'tfigure that out.
(20:13):
Let me see if I can try it thisway.
How did that feel?
Felt good to me?
Okay, I had some good results.
Let me try more of that.
And that's just how we do it,guys.
There's like nothing sexy ormagical about the process of
change.
It is experimentation, it'sforward momentum, it's learning,
it's partnership, it's all ofthose things together to figure
out how change happens.
(20:33):
All right, now let's move on tothe next tool.
That's part of this toolkit andit's spirituality, or the
connection to something bigger.
So, whether it's faith orpractices of meditation or
mindfulness, whatever it is foryou to be able to connect with
something that's bigger andgreater than you, all the
research shows that spiritualitycan be a big part of resilience
(20:57):
.
Why?
Because it helps provideemotional comfort.
It provides the ability to makemeaning out of what's happening
.
It can provide a sense of aweand wonder which activates a
part of our brain that reframesand reshapes the challenges that
we're facing, and it can alsoprovide a very meaningful
community that's supportive andit can help us when we're
(21:20):
struggling.
I want to be clear this isn't apromo for any type of faith,
any type of religion.
This is just simply statingthat the research shows that
when we have connection tosomething bigger, grander in us,
as a part of our life, thatinspires a sense of awe, that
connects us with people, thatprovides emotional comfort and
(21:41):
that allows us to make meaningfrom the suffering or reframe it
, it has a very positiveinfluence and is a big
protective factor in our overallwell-being and our levels of
resilience.
All right, the last tool thatwe're going to talk about is
self-care.
And listen, if I didn't talkabout self-care as a part of
this toolkit, it probablywouldn't be a toolkit that we
(22:04):
would be talking about on thePermission to Love podcast,
because, as you know, so much ofwhat we talk about on this
podcast is about our ability tohave a healthy relationship with
ourselves, learning how to loveourselves, learning how to take
care of ourselves, because ourrelationship with ourselves is
the most important relationshipin our life.
Why?
Because it determines everyother relationship in our life.
(22:26):
It determines how we see people, how we see life and, most
importantly, how we seeourselves.
And how we see ourselves iswhat we then begin to pursue,
it's what we begin to tolerate,it's what we begin to manifest
in our life.
So self-care is absolutelyessential for maintaining
resilience.
Now, what are some practicalself-care things that you can do
(22:47):
?
Well, research from the Journalof Occupational Health
Psychology shows that activitieslike exercise, proper nutrition
and sleep help replenish yourenergy and your mental resources
.
You know, if those things arelow, your overall resilience is
low.
If you're not feeling goodphysically, if you things are
low, your overall resilience islow.
If you're not feeling goodphysically, if you're not
getting the right type of food,if you're not getting enough
(23:08):
sleep, of course your resilienceis going to be low.
And those are very lovingthings toward yourself.
And not only are they lovingthings toward yourself, they're
also building your resilience,your ability to bounce back from
the challenges that you face.
Now, another big part ofself-care is self-compassion and
unconditional self-acceptance.
Those things have been showntime and time again in research
(23:31):
to build overall resilience.
And, as you know, I love andoften quote the work by Dr
Kristen Neff and it's reallyclear the research that she's
done shows that self-compassionwill improve your emotional
resilience and reduces fatigueand burnout and increases your
overall well-being.
I mean, think about it.
It takes a lot of energy to bein there beating the heck out of
(23:54):
yourself all the time, to bejudging yourself and being harsh
to yourself.
All of that takes a lot ofenergy and no wonder we're tired
, no wonder we're fatigued.
When we're practicing thosethings, when we're highly
critical, when we're highlyjudgmental of ourselves, that is
absolutely reducing ourresilience because it's sucking
the life out of us, it's suckingour energy out of us.
(24:15):
I mean, think about it.
When you're in there doing that,do you come away feeling good,
recharged with positive emotions?
No, you come out of therefeeling like Eeyore.
If you're not familiar withEeyore, winnie the Pooh
character, and so you know, lifeis gloomy and doomy.
When you're up there doing allthat stuff to yourself, that's
what you're producing and nowonder you don't have a lot of
(24:37):
resilience.
And I gotta tell you this islike one of the key places, one
of the first starters for me inworking with people is how is
that relationship with yourself?
How are you talking to yourself?
How are you treating yourself?
You're burned out.
Absolutely you're burned out,and part of the reason you're
burned out is because ofeverything that's going on up
there.
And if you can relax that, ifyou can begin to get at peace
(24:57):
with yourself, your overallstress waterline is going to
start to reduce.
You're going to feel less likeyou're on red alert because
you're no longer feeling likeyou're on red alert against
yourself.
And I'm just so adamant aboutthis because it is a game
changer for you when you showyourself that you're worthy of
(25:18):
taking care of yourself,exercising, eating right and
being kind to yourself throughpractices of self-compassion and
self-acceptance.
Those are absolutelyrevolutionary game changers in
our life when we start topractice them.
Now, if you need help on how topractice self-care, how to
practice self-love lots ofepisodes in this podcast, I mean
(25:40):
it's so much of the contentthat we do here.
It's about how to do thosethings and I want to encourage
you build in at least oneself-care practice that you can
do each week and then move it toeach day.
I mean it could be as simple astelling yourself that you love
yourself.
When you get out of bed andyou're brushing your teeth, when
you're looking in that mirror,tell yourself that I love you,
(26:03):
even if you don't believe it.
Even if you don't feel it, lookat yourself in the eyes and
tell yourself I love you.
And commit to do that for 30days and see what happens in
your life.
See what changes.
You got nothing to lose, right?
You might just feel betterabout yourself in 30 days.
If you don't change something,you're probably going to feel
the way that you do now in 30days.
(26:24):
And if you need a reminder, puta sticky note on the mirror.
Write it on your mirror withlipstick or a whiteboard marker
or whatever you have, and putthe words I love you and say
that to yourself.
It will transform your life andit will absolutely build your
resilience because all of asudden, you're becoming your own
(26:46):
best friend.
You're becoming a protectivefactor in your life for
resilience.
It will absolutely change yourlife.
Well, there you have itResearch-backed, evidence-based
tools that can help you buildyour resilience.
Number one social and relationalsupport.
Number two emotional skills tobuild your emotional resilience.
(27:10):
Number three cognitive skillsto build your mental resilience.
Number four buildingproblem-solving skills.
Number five spirituality, orthat connection to something
bigger than yourself.
And then number six practicesof self-care.
Now, if you'd like additionalsupport on developing your
resilience toolkit, I want toencourage you to check out my
(27:31):
one-on-one coaching program.
You can see the show notes inthis episode or, once again, you
can go to my website atjerryhendersonorg.
Set up a free consultation call.
We'll spend time together andwe'll see if working together is
the right fit.
Now, if you found this episodehelpful, I want to encourage you
share it with somebody that youknow, because if it's making a
difference in your life and it'shelpful for you, it'll also be
(27:53):
helpful for them.
I just want to say thank youagain for being here, and I want
to remind you, as always, thatyou are worthy of your own love.
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