December 23, 2024 • 30 mins
In this “Best Of” episode, we revisits one of the community’s favorite conversations, focusing on how to rebuild trust in ourselves—especially after experiences of trauma, shame, or self-doubt.
In this episode we discuss the common reasons we feel unable to trust our own decisions, from survival-mode thinking to a fractured sense of self.
We also look at practical steps for repairing self-trust, including self-compassion, reframing decision-making, and embracing mistakes as part of growth.
Key Topics Covered
•Why trauma damages our ability to trust ourselves
•The role of shame, self-criticism, and negative past experiences
•Practical ways to mend your relationship with yourself
•Allowing mistakes and learning self-compassion
•Methods to connect with your authentic desires (meditation, experimentation, journaling)
•Truth-telling, authenticity, and reframing decision-making
•Taking accountability instead of seeking external validation
•Recognizing your resilience and survival skills
Chapters
00:00 – Introduction & Best Of Series
01:24 – Revisiting “Learning How to Trust Yourself”
03:18 – Defining Self-Trust & Its Link to Success
04:55 – The Role of Trauma in Damaging Self-Trust
07:08 – Trauma, Shame & Trusting Our Decisions
09:47 – Overcoming External Approval-Seeking
10:50 – Mending Your Relationship with Yourself
11:29 – Embracing Mistakes & Releasing Self-Criticism
13:43 – Practicing Self-Compassion & Letting Go of Comparisons
15:14 – Connecting with Yourself: Meditation & Experimentation
20:36 – Truth-Telling & Authenticity in Daily Life
22:13 – Breaking Survival-Mode Habits
23:20 – Stop Playing the “Character” Everyone Likes
24:07 – Reframing Decision-Making with Hope
26:02 – Making Decisions Without Constant Outside Input
27:31 – Recognizing Your Resourcefulness
I am grateful you are here,
Jerry
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello everybody and welcome to this episode of the
Permission to Love podcast.
I'm your host, jerry Henderson,and, as always, I am so
grateful that you're here Now.
This week we're continuing ourBest Of series where we're
revisiting some of the topepisodes that have had the most
impact or where I've got themost feedback from the listeners
of this podcast.
As I shared at the beginning ofthis series, I often get a lot
(00:22):
of questions from the listenersabout which podcast episodes to
start with as a part of going onthe journey with the Permission
to Love podcast.
So this is my attempt to makethat easy for you as the
listener.
So if you're new to the podcast, I hope this is helping you in
diving into the content of thepodcast and starting your
journey with it.
(00:42):
And if you're a regular part ofthe community here at the
Permission to Love podcast andstarting your journey with it,
and if you're a regular part ofthe community here at the
Permission to Love podcast and afrequent listener, I hope
you're enjoying revisiting someof these most powerful episodes
that have been a part of thepodcast.
And with all of that in mind,today we're going to be
revisiting an episode calledLearning how to Trust Yourself.
This is an episode that I got alot of feedback on, and this is
often a topic that comes up alot in coaching, as I work with
(01:06):
people to learn how to healtheir relationship with
themselves.
One of the things that's soimportant in healing our
relationship with ourself islearning how to trust ourselves,
so I hope you enjoy revisitingthis episode or, if it's your
first time hearing it, I hopeyou enjoy this episode today.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
Excited about today's topic, which is about how can
we learn to trust ourselves,especially if we've experienced
trauma and shame as a part ofour journey and as a part of our
story.
For many of us, we may havenever trusted ourselves or we're
trying to figure out how do wetrust ourselves again after some
very difficult lifecircumstances or whatever the
story is Now.
(01:45):
Before we jump into the episode, I just want to ask a few
things of you.
Number one if you've not had achance to rate the show or to
review it, please do so.
It really helps the reach ofthis podcast.
It helps people hear it whomaybe really need to understand
how they can transform or howthey can heal their relationship
with themselves.
The second thing is that if youhaven't had a chance to follow,
(02:07):
please do that as well, becausethat'll let you know when new
episodes are coming out and I'llkeep you updated about what's
going on with the podcast.
And finally, before we jump in,just want to let you know that
I am recording this podcast froma noisy hotel room in Colorado
Springs, colorado.
Many of you know I've beenliving nomadically for the last
two years and sometimes thatputs me in spots where, when I'm
(02:28):
recording this podcast, I'm ina bit of a noisy environment,
and that happens to be the casetoday, so if you hear some
background noise, that's whatit's about.
So thank you for your patienceand let's go ahead and get
started.
I want to start with a quotefrom Ralph Waldo Emerson, who
says that self-trust is thefirst secret of success.
A lot of wisdom in that,because when we can trust
(02:49):
ourselves, we can trust thedecisions that we make, and when
we trust the decisions that wemake, we can put more energy
into those decisions and followthrough with them, because we
feel like we've made a decisionthat's aligned with us.
When we don't trust ourselves,we often waffle on the decision
and it's hard to put energy intoit.
(03:09):
So how do we get to the placewhere we can trust ourselves and
what does it look like when wedon't trust ourselves?
So let's start there.
What does it look like when wedon't trust ourselves?
Well, imagine living withsomebody 24 hours a day, seven
days a week, that you don'ttrust.
You're not sure if they haveyour best interest in mind.
You don't know if they can makea proper decision.
That would be a terriblefeeling, but many of us live
(03:32):
with that feeling all the timeabout ourselves.
We feel unable to makedecisions, we second guess
everything that we do and welive in this state of you know
do, and we live in this state offearfulness around
decision-making because we don'ttrust our decider, our
decision-maker.
We put an unnecessary amount ofweight on the importance of
(03:53):
making a decision, even verysmall ones.
We're often concerned aboutwhat other people will think
about the decision that we'remaking, and we spend a lot of
time seeking out the opinionsand the approval of others
before we make a decision.
It's just not a good way tolive.
I know I've lived that way andit still pops up in my life, and
(04:13):
my therapist often helps mewith this.
I always tell people thegreatest gift that my therapist
gives me is what she doesn'tgive me, which is answers when I
need to be making thosedecisions myself and I need to
be looking internally to figureout how to make those decisions.
And so get yourself a therapistwho will help you make
decisions based off of yourinternal compass, versus all
(04:35):
this external guidance that weseek.
And when we get to that place,when we get to the place where
we can really begin to trustourselves and make those
decisions.
It really is freeing.
It's more freeing than it isfearful.
We're afraid to do those things, but we'll come to find that it
becomes one of the most freeingthings for us when we begin to
trust ourselves.
So let's talk about how did thisshow up in our lives?
(04:58):
As a result of trauma.
How did trauma wire us this way, to not trust ourselves?
As I've shared before, traumafragments our relationship with
ourself.
It breaks that internal compasswithin us about what we can
trust or we can't trust.
I mean the very people that aresupposed to take care of us.
(05:19):
We don't trust them.
Life becomes untrustworthy.
And then also, we have thissense about ourselves that are
we trustworthy?
Because it's often easier toland on the fact that there's
something wrong with me thanthere is something wrong with
life and I've shared about thatbefore, or that there's
something wrong with the personwho's my caretaker.
It's easier to say that there'ssomething wrong with me.
(05:41):
Well, those decisions are madein microseconds and they're just
made as a part of a reaction tothat traumatic event and, once
again, it's what's happeninginside of us.
So if I've made those decisionsthat there's something wrong
with me, then I get thatinherent shame.
And if I have this sense ofshame that there's something
wrong with me, then, gosh, I'mnot able to trust my decisions
(06:03):
because there's something wrongwith me, and I've often been
getting in trouble for thedecisions that I've been making
and they're kind of nonsensical,they just don't make any sense.
So my brain can't really wrapits mind around, like when am I
making a good decision, or whenam I making a bad decision?
Or if you've lived withsomebody who's abusive and it
seems like no matter what you do, you're in trouble, it really
(06:26):
messes with your head to go.
Well, when I did this, itseemed like everything was okay,
but then I did the exact samething later and it wasn't okay
and I'm in survival mode.
I'm trying to survive and Ikeep making these decisions and
none of them seem good enough.
I don't know what decisions Ishould be making or I shouldn't
be making, and so my internalcompass, once again, is broken
(06:50):
and I don't know how to make adecision or how to trust myself
to make those decisions, becauseI've experienced a lot of pain
around decision making and I'mreally trying to survive and
that survival mode has reallymessed up my ability to trust
myself.
You also might have been taughtthat you're not allowed to trust
yourself, or you're notsupposed to trust yourself.
(07:12):
That might have come fromreligion, that you're a flawed
sinner, and how can you trustyourself?
That you're supposed to seekthe wisdom of those who are your
superiors or above you or whoare more enlightened than you?
Well, all of that is, in myopinion, a control mechanism.
Sure, there's wisdom in gettingthe opinions of others, the
insight from others, but not tothe point to where you're
(07:33):
dependent upon it, and itbecomes a control mechanism that
you don't feel like.
You can make any decisions onyour own, and you always have to
pass those decisions bysomebody who's wiser than you.
In my opinion, we're all in thesame playing field, we're all
from the same source, and so ourability to make decisions and
we'll talk about that in alittle bit is inherently within
(07:55):
us, and we can learn to trustourselves.
So, as that relationship hasgotten fragmented, shame also
raises its head and we becomehypercritical of ourselves.
We beat ourselves up.
No matter what decision we make, nothing is right.
We may have gotten it 90% right, but we focus in on the 10%
that we didn't.
So we're constantly beatingourselves up, which just
(08:18):
continues to wire our systems,that we're afraid to make
decisions because we know, whenwe make a decision, that we're
going to beat ourselves up aboutthe decision that we make.
So decision-making becomesparalyzing in some sense, you
know.
Another thing that I want topoint out, before we get into
some of the details aboutlearning to trust ourselves, is
that we're really not afraidabout the opinions of others
(08:39):
around the decisions that wemake.
We're actually afraid of howthose opinions are going to make
us feel about ourselves, andhow we feel about ourselves is
then how we're going to begin totreat ourselves.
So we're actually afraid aboutthe way that we're going to
treat ourselves as a result ofwhat we think other people think
about us.
(09:00):
I hope that makes sense.
Once again, we're actuallyafraid of how that opinion will
make us feel about ourselves.
How will I treat myself basedoff of that opinion?
Can I approve of myself or notapprove of myself based off of
their opinion of me?
So we're actually afraid ofourselves in those scenarios, of
how we're going to treatourselves off of how we think
(09:21):
others view us, based off of thedecisions that we've made, and
so really it's aboutself-acceptance and
self-approval.
How can we approve of ourselves, how can we accept ourselves in
the decisions that we've made?
It's a whole different thing.
It's a whole different energythan trying to figure out how
can I make somebody else agreewith my decisions, how can I
(09:42):
have somebody else accept mydecisions versus me accepting my
decisions.
So how do we begin to trustourselves?
Well, number one once again, itis about healing our
relationship with ourselves.
In order to trust ourselves,we're going to learn to be kind
to ourselves, to be gentle withourselves, because we are
(10:03):
mending a relationship withourselves, and mending is
something that requiresgentleness and kindness.
So we're going to start bytreating ourselves kindly.
We're going to realize that weoften don't trust ourselves
because we don't treat ourselveswell.
Think about it.
Why would we trust somebody whois abusive towards us?
(10:26):
Why would we trust somebody whobeats us up after every
decision that we make?
And think about what that'll doto your nervous system around
making decisions.
If you're afraid that after youmake a decision, you're going
to get beat up over it, it'sgoing to naturally begin to
paralyze you and create feararound decision making.
(10:50):
So we're going to start withbeing kind to ourselves, mending
the relationship, and that'sgoing to require us to forgive
ourselves for past mistakes,it's also going to begin to
require us to allow ourselves tomake mistakes.
So, number one, we're going tohave to mend that relationship.
And then, number two, we'regoing to have to give ourselves
permission to make mistakes.
So, number one, we're going tohave to mend that relationship.
And then, number two, we'regoing to have to give ourselves
(11:11):
permission to make mistakes.
It's okay to make a mistake inthe decision-making process.
Peter McIntyre says confidencecomes not from always being
right, but from not fearing tobe wrong.
It's okay that we make mistakesin our decisions.
Now, it may not have been okayto make those mistakes as a
(11:32):
child or in certainrelationships and you felt like
you got raked over the coals oryour identity got attacked
because you made a wrongdecision or you weren't sure
what decisions were safe to makeor not make, and that's very
understandable, that thatcreates some panic around
decision-making and the abilityto trust ourselves, but there's
a real health in coming to aplace to understand that it's
(11:55):
just a decision.
Let me repeat that it is just adecision.
I know at times it feels likethe weight of the world hangs on
whether or not we have Chineseor whether or not we have pizza.
Who knows what argument mayunfold from something like that,
but the reality is is it isjust a decision, and decisions
(12:19):
can be corrected, and allowingourselves to make mistakes.
It means that we're going tohave to limit the criticism that
we give ourselves about themistakes, that we're going to
have to limit the criticism thatwe give ourselves about the
mistakes that we make.
Just because you made a mistakein making a decision doesn't
mean you need to beat yourselfup about it.
You can learn to forgiveyourself for the mistakes that
(12:40):
you've made and, yes, you mayhave made some mistakes that had
some pretty tremendousconsequences, but once again,
that's in the past and we'resitting here today and we're
trying to figure out how can wetrust ourselves, and part of
that is even letting go of pastmistakes and practicing
self-compassion.
Listen, you've been doing thebest that you know how, and even
(13:04):
when I say that, I'm sure thatthere's a part of you that says,
no, I haven't, I could havedone better.
How do you know what is yourbenchmark?
Who are you comparing yourselfto?
Your story is your story andit's uniquely yours, so don't
compare yourself to somebodyelse's process.
You have your own process, andthe only person that you need to
(13:26):
be measuring yourself againstis yourself, and, having come
out of some of the stories thatI know that some of the
listeners of this podcast have,you are going to be experiencing
some trauma around decisionmaking.
Listen, you are doing the best.
You know how, so practiceself-compassion, be kind to
(13:48):
yourself and realize that a lotof your energy has been survival
mode, and so comparing yourselfto somebody else who doesn't
have your story just isn't fairto you, and so give yourself
grace, give yourself compassion,and when you give yourself that
self-compassion, you'll seethat that begins to energize you
(14:09):
and give you a flow into abetter state of mind, a better
state of energy that allow youto be a more peaceful place in
order to make those decisions.
The third thing that we want todo is we really want to be able
to connect with ourselves andask ourselves the question what
do you want?
And a lot of us don't know whatwe want because we've been
(14:32):
doing what everybody else wantsus to do, and so we've created
so much distance between ourauthentic self and what we think
we're supposed to be that we'velost sight of what we want and
how in the world can you trustyourself or make good decisions
when you're not even sure whatyou want?
Because when you make adecision, you're like I don't
(14:54):
even know if that's what Iwanted, because I don't know who
I am and I don't know what Iwant.
So any decision I make feelsmisaligned, it feels like
sometimes it's shot in the dark,and so one of the things that's
going to be important isconnecting with yourself.
So how can you connect withyourself?
(15:14):
One practice is meditation, tobe able to sit with yourself in
solitude and quietness, to getstill, to let all of the
rumbling and the tumbling settledown and begin to hear and
connect with that inner voice.
In order to know yourself,you're going to have to do what
(15:34):
you would do with anyone elsespend time with them.
So you're going to have tospend time with yourself and
undistracted time where you'resitting and listening to that
internal voice within you andbeginning to understand who you
are and connecting with thatinner presence of who you truly
(15:57):
are.
You are in there.
I know it feels like you'vegotten lost in all of this, but
there is a true, authentic partof yourself that even the trauma
did not fragment, that even thetrauma did not taint.
There is a pure, authentic,beautiful piece and part of
(16:19):
yourself that is the authentic,true you, that is unstained from
the trauma, from the abuse,from the shame, and we want to
connect with that part ofourselves, and the best way that
I know how to do that is to sitin meditation and in silence
and understand who we areauthentically internally.
(16:41):
Another thing that we can do toconnect with ourselves is
experimentation.
I gotta tell you I'm an ENFP, ifyou're familiar with
Myers-Briggs.
It's the extrovert, intuitive,feeling and perceiving, and it's
a person who needs a lot oftherapy sometimes.
So that's why it is a personwho deeply feels, who is led by
(17:01):
intuition, who has a lot offeeling and a lot of perception.
And so one of the things I'velearned about an ENFP is that
they don't know what they wantuntil they fully immerse
themselves into it.
They need to fully experienceit before they know whether or
not they want it.
So for me, I've had to do a lotof experimentation to
(17:24):
understand who I am, what I want, what resonates with me and
what doesn't resonate with me,and that experimentation has led
me to do some crazy thingssometimes, like jumping out of
airplanes, living nomadically,doing.
Things that are allowing me tosee what do I like, what do I
not like are allowing me to seewhat do I like, what do I not
(17:48):
like.
And that's a part of connectingwith ourselves, because we've
often yielded what we like, whatwe don't like, to somebody else
and then we get to a placewhere, like you know, I don't
know what I like, I don't knowwho I am, I don't know what I
connect with and what I don'tconnect with.
So part of connecting withyourself is experimenting with
the things that bring you tolife, and sometimes you're going
(18:09):
to have to dive fully in it andgo no, that's not me and you'll
go do something else and no,that kind of felt like me.
But you're learning to connectwith yourself and find out who
you are, what you like, whatbrings you alive, what doesn't
bring you alive.
And the reason that's importantin decision making and
entrusting yourself is becauseyou're beginning to know who you
(18:31):
are and you're beginning toconnect with your authentic self
, maybe for the first time, andthen you can begin to know
yourself better and makedecisions aligned with who you
know you are.
Another thing that's importantin connecting with ourselves is
listening to our bodies.
How are our bodies respondingto that person or that
(18:51):
relationship or that experience?
And we often dismiss that.
We kind of feel it as somethingthat can be pushed aside.
But I tell you, one of the mostimportant things we can do to
connect with ourselves is listento our bodily responses and to
not push that aside, to not pushaside that intuition or those
feelings that we have.
I bet you can note those timeswhere you pushed it aside and
(19:15):
you really wished you wouldn'thave, but then again we start to
get into the pattern later ofpushing it aside again and
that's just because we're nottrusting ourselves.
You know, one of the things thatmy therapist will do for me
when I'm trying to make adecision is she'll ask me how
does it feel?
How does it feel in my body?
Because I'll ask her thingslike you know, I'm thinking
about doing this or I'm thinkingabout doing that and I'm not
(19:36):
sure, and I'm really wrestlingwith something.
And I'll say you know, what doyou think I should do?
And her response will be thinkI should do.
And her response will be well,how does that decision feel if
you were to do this?
How does that decision feel ifyou were to do that Well,
getting connected to the way itmakes me feel bodily is often a
very good signal for me in whatdecision I need to make.
(19:57):
And finally, another thing thatyou can do to connect with
yourself is journal Journalabout how you felt when you made
a certain decision and what wasthe outcome of making that
decision, because now you'rebeginning to write out some
history and beginning to see iton paper and able to reflect on
it and go.
You know, when I made thisdecision, it felt this way and
(20:17):
this was the outcome.
And you know what, when I madethat decision, it felt a little
bit different and here was howit turned out.
So that's once again connectingwith yourself, learning about
yourself, and you'll probablybegin to see patterns of
decision-making and when youtrusted yourself and when you
didn't and how that turned out.
So let's move on to number four,which is the practice of
(20:39):
truth-telling.
Why is this important?
Because truth-telling allows usto feel that we're living an
authentic life.
And when we're living anauthentic, truthful and we're
not aligned with integrity andauthenticity, how can I trust
(21:08):
myself if I'm not living in anauthentic manner by speaking the
truth?
Here's one of the bigchallenges for people who've
experienced trauma.
We've gotten used to tellingstories.
We lied about things that wedidn't even need to lie about
because we were in survival mode, things that we didn't even
need to lie about because wewere in survival mode.
You didn't know when a certainstatement was going to get you
(21:29):
in trouble or when a certainstatement may have gotten you
out of trouble, and so trying tofigure out, when do I tell the
truth, when do I not tell thetruth, when do I say something
that makes somebody happy, or isthis going to make somebody
upset?
Well, it becomes very confusingand as a part of that, you
(21:50):
learn this pattern of nottelling the truth because you're
in survival mode.
And that's okay.
You were doing the best, youknew how.
But there comes a point whereyour brain needs you to be
consistent about being able totell the truth and stop
people-pleasing or stop tryingto say things that we think we
want other people to hear, sothat we can now align ourselves
with what we need to hear, withwhat we want and with who we are
(22:13):
.
Ram Dass, one of my favoritewriters and thinkers on
spirituality.
His mentor, maharaji, told himtwo things to do.
One love everybody.
Two always tell the truth,because I think it came from the
realization that when we tellthe truth, we live in a state of
integrity and we're able totrust ourselves because we know
(22:35):
that we're somebody who lives intruth, speaks truth.
And when we don't do that, weare fragmenting our relationship
with ourselves.
Do that, we are fragmenting ourrelationship with ourselves.
So the fifth thing that I thinkis important to do is to stop
playing the character that wethink everybody likes.
And we do this by saying thingslike well, yeah, I liked the
movie when we didn't like themovie, or I don't care what we
(22:56):
have for dinner, when youactually do care and you're not
standing up for yourself andyou're not expressing what your
needs are and what you want andyou're not making decisions and
you're yielding decisions toeverybody else.
And the problem with that isthat you're not getting into a
place where you are makingdecisions and being able to
trust the decisions that youmake, and you're not getting
(23:17):
that muscle, that practice ofdecision-making.
The sixth thing we can do isreframe the decision-making.
The majority of the time, thedecisions that we're making are
not life and death, even thoughthey feel that way and it feels
that way to your nervous systemsometimes and it paralyzes you
from making a decision.
It is not life or death and youcan trust yourself to make a
(23:40):
decision and you can trustyourself to handle the outcome
of that decision.
I know as a child you mighthave had to make decisions that
were about keeping you safe andkeeping you out of harm and that
felt very life or death.
So decision-making becameassociated with that type of
feeling.
But the reality is today youare an adult and most of the
(24:04):
decisions that you're making arenot life or death.
The second thing in reframingour decision making is around
seeing the best possibility ofthe best outcome of making this
decision.
We often get paralyzed inmaking a decision because we
think of the bad scenarios thatare going to play out as a
result of making that decision.
But if we can just take amoment and begin to ask
(24:26):
ourselves, what if this decisionturns out better than I thought
it would?
What if this decision leads tosomething good and to something
hopeful and that begins toempower us to make a decision
with hope instead of decidingout of fear?
We want to get to a place whereour decision-making is more
hope-based than fear-based,because as long as it's
(24:48):
fear-based, it's going to get ustrapped in a cycle of playing
out worst-case scenario or FOMOfear of missing out.
And so if we can begin to lookat the decision-making process
with hopefulness and a curiosityof what if it turns out better
than I think it will, then thattakes off a lot of that weight
and that pressure and allows usto trust the process of making a
(25:12):
decision and it can turn outgood and turn out for our best.
Final thing that I want to talkabout in learning to trust
ourselves is going ahead andmaking decisions without seeking
the input from others.
There's a few reasons for this.
One is that we often ask peopleto tell us what to do because
(25:33):
we don't want to be accountablefor making the decision and we
can actually blame other peopleif the decision goes wrong.
It's a lot easier for me totake your advice about something
and then turn around and blameyou if it doesn't work out than
to take full accountability formy decision making.
But I know that that's not howyou want to live and I know
that's not our highest form ofliving.
(25:54):
So let's go ahead and movetowards what is a higher form of
living, which is takingresponsibility and
accountability for our decisionmaking.
So I'm not talking about everysingle decision in our life that
we just make on our own.
Obviously, there's decisions weneed to make with our partners,
there's decisions that we needto make with other people or
whatever the situation is.
(26:14):
But I'm just talking about howare we retraining our nervous
system to begin to trustourselves, and a part of that is
seeing ourselves make decisionsand watching the outcome of
those and not beating ourselvesup as a result of those outcomes
and loving ourselves regardlessof those outcomes and
practicing self-compassionregardless of those outcomes.
(26:34):
Because what we're trying to dois we're trying to teach our
brains that we can makedecisions, we can trust
ourselves, we can trustourselves.
So doing these things withoutthe input from others on the
front end or trying to getapproval from people on the back
end that it was the rightdecision is rewiring our nervous
system to believe that we cantrust ourselves and we can make
(26:57):
the decisions, and the only waythat we can do that is beginning
to do it.
Vincent Van Gogh said if youhear a voice within you say that
you cannot paint, then by allmeans paint, and that voice will
be silenced.
It's the same thing here.
If your brain is telling youthat you cannot trust yourself,
(27:17):
that you cannot make rightdecisions, the best antidote for
that is to begin to makedecisions on your own and begin
to see them through, and thenlearn from that outcome and make
adjustments accordingly.
So, as we come to the close ofthis episode, I want to
encourage you to try thisexercise this week.
First, I want you to sit downand I want you to look at
(27:40):
everything that you've survived.
I mean, look at you, look atwhat you've made it through,
look at how you've beenresourceful, look at how you've
made it to this point despiteall of the obstacles, despite
all of the things that youexperienced as a child, despite
all of the trauma that youexperienced as an adult or
(28:01):
whatever your story is.
Give yourself the credit forhow far you've come.
There's a quote by an anonymoussource that says trust yourself
, you have survived a lot andyou will survive whatever is
coming.
So take a moment this week andwrite out how far you have come,
(28:22):
what you have survived, anddon't judge how you survived it,
because we'll often say, well,I've survived, but I had to do
this and I didn't feel goodabout the way I did it, and we
begin to heap this judgment onourselves.
Listen, you survived.
You did what was necessary.
Those things may not serve younow and you're wanting to move
into a different space, but justthe mere fact of writing down
(28:43):
how you've been there foryourself, how you've learned to
survive and begin to reflect onthat, that in itself will begin
to give you self-confidence andbegin to show you how you have
been showing up for yourself andbegin to see that you can trust
yourself, that you do have yourown back.
Regardless of the mistakesyou've made, you've been there
(29:06):
for yourself.
If there's one thing that'strue, the only person who's been
through everything that you'vebeen through is you, and the
only person who is still therewith you is you, and your
greatest advocate can be you,and the person that you can
trust the most can be yourself.
(29:27):
So thank you for joining anotherepisode of the Permission to
Love podcast and remember, asalways, you are worthy of your
own love.
I hope today's episode wasvaluable to you, that you gained
some insights that are usefulfor you on your journey.
If you did, I just want to askthat you would rate it, review
it and, most importantly, thatyou would share it with somebody
else, because you never knowthe impact that it can have in
(29:49):
their life.
And finally, don't forget tosubscribe, because that'll let
you know when new episodes arecoming out.
I want to encourage you as wellthat if you do need more
resources, you can find me onjerryhendersonorg that's my
website.
You can also find me onInstagram at Jerry A Henderson.
Feel free to reach out to methere.
Send me a message.
I'd love to hear from you.
I'm really grateful that you'rehere and please don't forget
(30:16):
you are worthy of your own love.
Hello everybody and welcome to this episode of the
Permission to Love podcast.
I'm your host, jerry Henderson,and, as always, I am so
grateful that you're here Now.
This week we're continuing ourBest Of series where we're
revisiting some of the topepisodes that have had the most
impact or where I've got themost feedback from the listeners
of this podcast.
As I shared at the beginning ofthis series, I often get a lot
(00:22):
of questions from the listenersabout which podcast episodes to
start with as a part of going onthe journey with the Permission
to Love podcast.
So this is my attempt to makethat easy for you as the
listener.
So if you're new to the podcast, I hope this is helping you in
diving into the content of thepodcast and starting your
journey with it.
(00:42):
And if you're a regular part ofthe community here at the
Permission to Love podcast andstarting your journey with it,
and if you're a regular part ofthe community here at the
Permission to Love podcast and afrequent listener, I hope
you're enjoying revisiting someof these most powerful episodes
that have been a part of thepodcast.
And with all of that in mind,today we're going to be
revisiting an episode calledLearning how to Trust Yourself.
This is an episode that I got alot of feedback on, and this is
often a topic that comes up alot in coaching, as I work with
(01:06):
people to learn how to healtheir relationship with
themselves.
One of the things that's soimportant in healing our
relationship with ourself islearning how to trust ourselves,
so I hope you enjoy revisitingthis episode or, if it's your
first time hearing it, I hopeyou enjoy this episode today.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
Excited about today's topic, which is about how can
we learn to trust ourselves,especially if we've experienced
trauma and shame as a part ofour journey and as a part of our
story.
For many of us, we may havenever trusted ourselves or we're
trying to figure out how do wetrust ourselves again after some
very difficult lifecircumstances or whatever the
story is Now.
(01:45):
Before we jump into the episode, I just want to ask a few
things of you.
Number one if you've not had achance to rate the show or to
review it, please do so.
It really helps the reach ofthis podcast.
It helps people hear it whomaybe really need to understand
how they can transform or howthey can heal their relationship
with themselves.
The second thing is that if youhaven't had a chance to follow,
(02:07):
please do that as well, becausethat'll let you know when new
episodes are coming out and I'llkeep you updated about what's
going on with the podcast.
And finally, before we jump in,just want to let you know that
I am recording this podcast froma noisy hotel room in Colorado
Springs, colorado.
Many of you know I've beenliving nomadically for the last
two years and sometimes thatputs me in spots where, when I'm
(02:28):
recording this podcast, I'm ina bit of a noisy environment,
and that happens to be the casetoday, so if you hear some
background noise, that's whatit's about.
So thank you for your patienceand let's go ahead and get
started.
I want to start with a quotefrom Ralph Waldo Emerson, who
says that self-trust is thefirst secret of success.
A lot of wisdom in that,because when we can trust
(02:49):
ourselves, we can trust thedecisions that we make, and when
we trust the decisions that wemake, we can put more energy
into those decisions and followthrough with them, because we
feel like we've made a decisionthat's aligned with us.
When we don't trust ourselves,we often waffle on the decision
and it's hard to put energy intoit.
(03:09):
So how do we get to the placewhere we can trust ourselves and
what does it look like when wedon't trust ourselves?
So let's start there.
What does it look like when wedon't trust ourselves?
Well, imagine living withsomebody 24 hours a day, seven
days a week, that you don'ttrust.
You're not sure if they haveyour best interest in mind.
You don't know if they can makea proper decision.
That would be a terriblefeeling, but many of us live
(03:32):
with that feeling all the timeabout ourselves.
We feel unable to makedecisions, we second guess
everything that we do and welive in this state of you know
do, and we live in this state offearfulness around
decision-making because we don'ttrust our decider, our
decision-maker.
We put an unnecessary amount ofweight on the importance of
(03:53):
making a decision, even verysmall ones.
We're often concerned aboutwhat other people will think
about the decision that we'remaking, and we spend a lot of
time seeking out the opinionsand the approval of others
before we make a decision.
It's just not a good way tolive.
I know I've lived that way andit still pops up in my life, and
(04:13):
my therapist often helps mewith this.
I always tell people thegreatest gift that my therapist
gives me is what she doesn'tgive me, which is answers when I
need to be making thosedecisions myself and I need to
be looking internally to figureout how to make those decisions.
And so get yourself a therapistwho will help you make
decisions based off of yourinternal compass, versus all
(04:35):
this external guidance that weseek.
And when we get to that place,when we get to the place where
we can really begin to trustourselves and make those
decisions.
It really is freeing.
It's more freeing than it isfearful.
We're afraid to do those things, but we'll come to find that it
becomes one of the most freeingthings for us when we begin to
trust ourselves.
So let's talk about how did thisshow up in our lives?
(04:58):
As a result of trauma.
How did trauma wire us this way, to not trust ourselves?
As I've shared before, traumafragments our relationship with
ourself.
It breaks that internal compasswithin us about what we can
trust or we can't trust.
I mean the very people that aresupposed to take care of us.
(05:19):
We don't trust them.
Life becomes untrustworthy.
And then also, we have thissense about ourselves that are
we trustworthy?
Because it's often easier toland on the fact that there's
something wrong with me thanthere is something wrong with
life and I've shared about thatbefore, or that there's
something wrong with the personwho's my caretaker.
It's easier to say that there'ssomething wrong with me.
(05:41):
Well, those decisions are madein microseconds and they're just
made as a part of a reaction tothat traumatic event and, once
again, it's what's happeninginside of us.
So if I've made those decisionsthat there's something wrong
with me, then I get thatinherent shame.
And if I have this sense ofshame that there's something
wrong with me, then, gosh, I'mnot able to trust my decisions
(06:03):
because there's something wrongwith me, and I've often been
getting in trouble for thedecisions that I've been making
and they're kind of nonsensical,they just don't make any sense.
So my brain can't really wrapits mind around, like when am I
making a good decision, or whenam I making a bad decision?
Or if you've lived withsomebody who's abusive and it
seems like no matter what you do, you're in trouble, it really
(06:26):
messes with your head to go.
Well, when I did this, itseemed like everything was okay,
but then I did the exact samething later and it wasn't okay
and I'm in survival mode.
I'm trying to survive and Ikeep making these decisions and
none of them seem good enough.
I don't know what decisions Ishould be making or I shouldn't
be making, and so my internalcompass, once again, is broken
(06:50):
and I don't know how to make adecision or how to trust myself
to make those decisions, becauseI've experienced a lot of pain
around decision making and I'mreally trying to survive and
that survival mode has reallymessed up my ability to trust
myself.
You also might have been taughtthat you're not allowed to trust
yourself, or you're notsupposed to trust yourself.
(07:12):
That might have come fromreligion, that you're a flawed
sinner, and how can you trustyourself?
That you're supposed to seekthe wisdom of those who are your
superiors or above you or whoare more enlightened than you?
Well, all of that is, in myopinion, a control mechanism.
Sure, there's wisdom in gettingthe opinions of others, the
insight from others, but not tothe point to where you're
(07:33):
dependent upon it, and itbecomes a control mechanism that
you don't feel like.
You can make any decisions onyour own, and you always have to
pass those decisions bysomebody who's wiser than you.
In my opinion, we're all in thesame playing field, we're all
from the same source, and so ourability to make decisions and
we'll talk about that in alittle bit is inherently within
(07:55):
us, and we can learn to trustourselves.
So, as that relationship hasgotten fragmented, shame also
raises its head and we becomehypercritical of ourselves.
We beat ourselves up.
No matter what decision we make, nothing is right.
We may have gotten it 90% right, but we focus in on the 10%
that we didn't.
So we're constantly beatingourselves up, which just
(08:18):
continues to wire our systems,that we're afraid to make
decisions because we know, whenwe make a decision, that we're
going to beat ourselves up aboutthe decision that we make.
So decision-making becomesparalyzing in some sense, you
know.
Another thing that I want topoint out, before we get into
some of the details aboutlearning to trust ourselves, is
that we're really not afraidabout the opinions of others
(08:39):
around the decisions that wemake.
We're actually afraid of howthose opinions are going to make
us feel about ourselves, andhow we feel about ourselves is
then how we're going to begin totreat ourselves.
So we're actually afraid aboutthe way that we're going to
treat ourselves as a result ofwhat we think other people think
about us.
(09:00):
I hope that makes sense.
Once again, we're actuallyafraid of how that opinion will
make us feel about ourselves.
How will I treat myself basedoff of that opinion?
Can I approve of myself or notapprove of myself based off of
their opinion of me?
So we're actually afraid ofourselves in those scenarios, of
how we're going to treatourselves off of how we think
(09:21):
others view us, based off of thedecisions that we've made, and
so really it's aboutself-acceptance and
self-approval.
How can we approve of ourselves, how can we accept ourselves in
the decisions that we've made?
It's a whole different thing.
It's a whole different energythan trying to figure out how
can I make somebody else agreewith my decisions, how can I
(09:42):
have somebody else accept mydecisions versus me accepting my
decisions.
So how do we begin to trustourselves?
Well, number one once again, itis about healing our
relationship with ourselves.
In order to trust ourselves,we're going to learn to be kind
to ourselves, to be gentle withourselves, because we are
(10:03):
mending a relationship withourselves, and mending is
something that requiresgentleness and kindness.
So we're going to start bytreating ourselves kindly.
We're going to realize that weoften don't trust ourselves
because we don't treat ourselveswell.
Think about it.
Why would we trust somebody whois abusive towards us?
(10:26):
Why would we trust somebody whobeats us up after every
decision that we make?
And think about what that'll doto your nervous system around
making decisions.
If you're afraid that after youmake a decision, you're going
to get beat up over it, it'sgoing to naturally begin to
paralyze you and create feararound decision making.
(10:50):
So we're going to start withbeing kind to ourselves, mending
the relationship, and that'sgoing to require us to forgive
ourselves for past mistakes,it's also going to begin to
require us to allow ourselves tomake mistakes.
So, number one, we're going tohave to mend that relationship.
And then, number two, we'regoing to have to give ourselves
permission to make mistakes.
So, number one, we're going tohave to mend that relationship.
And then, number two, we'regoing to have to give ourselves
(11:11):
permission to make mistakes.
It's okay to make a mistake inthe decision-making process.
Peter McIntyre says confidencecomes not from always being
right, but from not fearing tobe wrong.
It's okay that we make mistakesin our decisions.
Now, it may not have been okayto make those mistakes as a
(11:32):
child or in certainrelationships and you felt like
you got raked over the coals oryour identity got attacked
because you made a wrongdecision or you weren't sure
what decisions were safe to makeor not make, and that's very
understandable, that thatcreates some panic around
decision-making and the abilityto trust ourselves, but there's
a real health in coming to aplace to understand that it's
(11:55):
just a decision.
Let me repeat that it is just adecision.
I know at times it feels likethe weight of the world hangs on
whether or not we have Chineseor whether or not we have pizza.
Who knows what argument mayunfold from something like that,
but the reality is is it isjust a decision, and decisions
(12:19):
can be corrected, and allowingourselves to make mistakes.
It means that we're going tohave to limit the criticism that
we give ourselves about themistakes, that we're going to
have to limit the criticism thatwe give ourselves about the
mistakes that we make.
Just because you made a mistakein making a decision doesn't
mean you need to beat yourselfup about it.
You can learn to forgiveyourself for the mistakes that
(12:40):
you've made and, yes, you mayhave made some mistakes that had
some pretty tremendousconsequences, but once again,
that's in the past and we'resitting here today and we're
trying to figure out how can wetrust ourselves, and part of
that is even letting go of pastmistakes and practicing
self-compassion.
Listen, you've been doing thebest that you know how, and even
(13:04):
when I say that, I'm sure thatthere's a part of you that says,
no, I haven't, I could havedone better.
How do you know what is yourbenchmark?
Who are you comparing yourselfto?
Your story is your story andit's uniquely yours, so don't
compare yourself to somebodyelse's process.
You have your own process, andthe only person that you need to
(13:26):
be measuring yourself againstis yourself, and, having come
out of some of the stories thatI know that some of the
listeners of this podcast have,you are going to be experiencing
some trauma around decisionmaking.
Listen, you are doing the best.
You know how, so practiceself-compassion, be kind to
(13:48):
yourself and realize that a lotof your energy has been survival
mode, and so comparing yourselfto somebody else who doesn't
have your story just isn't fairto you, and so give yourself
grace, give yourself compassion,and when you give yourself that
self-compassion, you'll seethat that begins to energize you
(14:09):
and give you a flow into abetter state of mind, a better
state of energy that allow youto be a more peaceful place in
order to make those decisions.
The third thing that we want todo is we really want to be able
to connect with ourselves andask ourselves the question what
do you want?
And a lot of us don't know whatwe want because we've been
(14:32):
doing what everybody else wantsus to do, and so we've created
so much distance between ourauthentic self and what we think
we're supposed to be that we'velost sight of what we want and
how in the world can you trustyourself or make good decisions
when you're not even sure whatyou want?
Because when you make adecision, you're like I don't
(14:54):
even know if that's what Iwanted, because I don't know who
I am and I don't know what Iwant.
So any decision I make feelsmisaligned, it feels like
sometimes it's shot in the dark,and so one of the things that's
going to be important isconnecting with yourself.
So how can you connect withyourself?
(15:14):
One practice is meditation, tobe able to sit with yourself in
solitude and quietness, to getstill, to let all of the
rumbling and the tumbling settledown and begin to hear and
connect with that inner voice.
In order to know yourself,you're going to have to do what
(15:34):
you would do with anyone elsespend time with them.
So you're going to have tospend time with yourself and
undistracted time where you'resitting and listening to that
internal voice within you andbeginning to understand who you
are and connecting with thatinner presence of who you truly
(15:57):
are.
You are in there.
I know it feels like you'vegotten lost in all of this, but
there is a true, authentic partof yourself that even the trauma
did not fragment, that even thetrauma did not taint.
There is a pure, authentic,beautiful piece and part of
(16:19):
yourself that is the authentic,true you, that is unstained from
the trauma, from the abuse,from the shame, and we want to
connect with that part ofourselves, and the best way that
I know how to do that is to sitin meditation and in silence
and understand who we areauthentically internally.
(16:41):
Another thing that we can do toconnect with ourselves is
experimentation.
I gotta tell you I'm an ENFP, ifyou're familiar with
Myers-Briggs.
It's the extrovert, intuitive,feeling and perceiving, and it's
a person who needs a lot oftherapy sometimes.
So that's why it is a personwho deeply feels, who is led by
(17:01):
intuition, who has a lot offeeling and a lot of perception.
And so one of the things I'velearned about an ENFP is that
they don't know what they wantuntil they fully immerse
themselves into it.
They need to fully experienceit before they know whether or
not they want it.
So for me, I've had to do a lotof experimentation to
(17:24):
understand who I am, what I want, what resonates with me and
what doesn't resonate with me,and that experimentation has led
me to do some crazy thingssometimes, like jumping out of
airplanes, living nomadically,doing.
Things that are allowing me tosee what do I like, what do I
not like are allowing me to seewhat do I like, what do I not
(17:48):
like.
And that's a part of connectingwith ourselves, because we've
often yielded what we like, whatwe don't like, to somebody else
and then we get to a placewhere, like you know, I don't
know what I like, I don't knowwho I am, I don't know what I
connect with and what I don'tconnect with.
So part of connecting withyourself is experimenting with
the things that bring you tolife, and sometimes you're going
(18:09):
to have to dive fully in it andgo no, that's not me and you'll
go do something else and no,that kind of felt like me.
But you're learning to connectwith yourself and find out who
you are, what you like, whatbrings you alive, what doesn't
bring you alive.
And the reason that's importantin decision making and
entrusting yourself is becauseyou're beginning to know who you
(18:31):
are and you're beginning toconnect with your authentic self
, maybe for the first time, andthen you can begin to know
yourself better and makedecisions aligned with who you
know you are.
Another thing that's importantin connecting with ourselves is
listening to our bodies.
How are our bodies respondingto that person or that
(18:51):
relationship or that experience?
And we often dismiss that.
We kind of feel it as somethingthat can be pushed aside.
But I tell you, one of the mostimportant things we can do to
connect with ourselves is listento our bodily responses and to
not push that aside, to not pushaside that intuition or those
feelings that we have.
I bet you can note those timeswhere you pushed it aside and
(19:15):
you really wished you wouldn'thave, but then again we start to
get into the pattern later ofpushing it aside again and
that's just because we're nottrusting ourselves.
You know, one of the things thatmy therapist will do for me
when I'm trying to make adecision is she'll ask me how
does it feel?
How does it feel in my body?
Because I'll ask her thingslike you know, I'm thinking
about doing this or I'm thinkingabout doing that and I'm not
(19:36):
sure, and I'm really wrestlingwith something.
And I'll say you know, what doyou think I should do?
And her response will be thinkI should do.
And her response will be well,how does that decision feel if
you were to do this?
How does that decision feel ifyou were to do that Well,
getting connected to the way itmakes me feel bodily is often a
very good signal for me in whatdecision I need to make.
(19:57):
And finally, another thing thatyou can do to connect with
yourself is journal Journalabout how you felt when you made
a certain decision and what wasthe outcome of making that
decision, because now you'rebeginning to write out some
history and beginning to see iton paper and able to reflect on
it and go.
You know, when I made thisdecision, it felt this way and
(20:17):
this was the outcome.
And you know what, when I madethat decision, it felt a little
bit different and here was howit turned out.
So that's once again connectingwith yourself, learning about
yourself, and you'll probablybegin to see patterns of
decision-making and when youtrusted yourself and when you
didn't and how that turned out.
So let's move on to number four,which is the practice of
(20:39):
truth-telling.
Why is this important?
Because truth-telling allows usto feel that we're living an
authentic life.
And when we're living anauthentic, truthful and we're
not aligned with integrity andauthenticity, how can I trust
(21:08):
myself if I'm not living in anauthentic manner by speaking the
truth?
Here's one of the bigchallenges for people who've
experienced trauma.
We've gotten used to tellingstories.
We lied about things that wedidn't even need to lie about
because we were in survival mode, things that we didn't even
need to lie about because wewere in survival mode.
You didn't know when a certainstatement was going to get you
(21:29):
in trouble or when a certainstatement may have gotten you
out of trouble, and so trying tofigure out, when do I tell the
truth, when do I not tell thetruth, when do I say something
that makes somebody happy, or isthis going to make somebody
upset?
Well, it becomes very confusingand as a part of that, you
(21:50):
learn this pattern of nottelling the truth because you're
in survival mode.
And that's okay.
You were doing the best, youknew how.
But there comes a point whereyour brain needs you to be
consistent about being able totell the truth and stop
people-pleasing or stop tryingto say things that we think we
want other people to hear, sothat we can now align ourselves
with what we need to hear, withwhat we want and with who we are
(22:13):
.
Ram Dass, one of my favoritewriters and thinkers on
spirituality.
His mentor, maharaji, told himtwo things to do.
One love everybody.
Two always tell the truth,because I think it came from the
realization that when we tellthe truth, we live in a state of
integrity and we're able totrust ourselves because we know
(22:35):
that we're somebody who lives intruth, speaks truth.
And when we don't do that, weare fragmenting our relationship
with ourselves.
Do that, we are fragmenting ourrelationship with ourselves.
So the fifth thing that I thinkis important to do is to stop
playing the character that wethink everybody likes.
And we do this by saying thingslike well, yeah, I liked the
movie when we didn't like themovie, or I don't care what we
(22:56):
have for dinner, when youactually do care and you're not
standing up for yourself andyou're not expressing what your
needs are and what you want andyou're not making decisions and
you're yielding decisions toeverybody else.
And the problem with that isthat you're not getting into a
place where you are makingdecisions and being able to
trust the decisions that youmake, and you're not getting
(23:17):
that muscle, that practice ofdecision-making.
The sixth thing we can do isreframe the decision-making.
The majority of the time, thedecisions that we're making are
not life and death, even thoughthey feel that way and it feels
that way to your nervous systemsometimes and it paralyzes you
from making a decision.
It is not life or death and youcan trust yourself to make a
(23:40):
decision and you can trustyourself to handle the outcome
of that decision.
I know as a child you mighthave had to make decisions that
were about keeping you safe andkeeping you out of harm and that
felt very life or death.
So decision-making becameassociated with that type of
feeling.
But the reality is today youare an adult and most of the
(24:04):
decisions that you're making arenot life or death.
The second thing in reframingour decision making is around
seeing the best possibility ofthe best outcome of making this
decision.
We often get paralyzed inmaking a decision because we
think of the bad scenarios thatare going to play out as a
result of making that decision.
But if we can just take amoment and begin to ask
(24:26):
ourselves, what if this decisionturns out better than I thought
it would?
What if this decision leads tosomething good and to something
hopeful and that begins toempower us to make a decision
with hope instead of decidingout of fear?
We want to get to a place whereour decision-making is more
hope-based than fear-based,because as long as it's
(24:48):
fear-based, it's going to get ustrapped in a cycle of playing
out worst-case scenario or FOMOfear of missing out.
And so if we can begin to lookat the decision-making process
with hopefulness and a curiosityof what if it turns out better
than I think it will, then thattakes off a lot of that weight
and that pressure and allows usto trust the process of making a
(25:12):
decision and it can turn outgood and turn out for our best.
Final thing that I want to talkabout in learning to trust
ourselves is going ahead andmaking decisions without seeking
the input from others.
There's a few reasons for this.
One is that we often ask peopleto tell us what to do because
(25:33):
we don't want to be accountablefor making the decision and we
can actually blame other peopleif the decision goes wrong.
It's a lot easier for me totake your advice about something
and then turn around and blameyou if it doesn't work out than
to take full accountability formy decision making.
But I know that that's not howyou want to live and I know
that's not our highest form ofliving.
(25:54):
So let's go ahead and movetowards what is a higher form of
living, which is takingresponsibility and
accountability for our decisionmaking.
So I'm not talking about everysingle decision in our life that
we just make on our own.
Obviously, there's decisions weneed to make with our partners,
there's decisions that we needto make with other people or
whatever the situation is.
(26:14):
But I'm just talking about howare we retraining our nervous
system to begin to trustourselves, and a part of that is
seeing ourselves make decisionsand watching the outcome of
those and not beating ourselvesup as a result of those outcomes
and loving ourselves regardlessof those outcomes and
practicing self-compassionregardless of those outcomes.
(26:34):
Because what we're trying to dois we're trying to teach our
brains that we can makedecisions, we can trust
ourselves, we can trustourselves.
So doing these things withoutthe input from others on the
front end or trying to getapproval from people on the back
end that it was the rightdecision is rewiring our nervous
system to believe that we cantrust ourselves and we can make
(26:57):
the decisions, and the only waythat we can do that is beginning
to do it.
Vincent Van Gogh said if youhear a voice within you say that
you cannot paint, then by allmeans paint, and that voice will
be silenced.
It's the same thing here.
If your brain is telling youthat you cannot trust yourself,
(27:17):
that you cannot make rightdecisions, the best antidote for
that is to begin to makedecisions on your own and begin
to see them through, and thenlearn from that outcome and make
adjustments accordingly.
So, as we come to the close ofthis episode, I want to
encourage you to try thisexercise this week.
First, I want you to sit downand I want you to look at
(27:40):
everything that you've survived.
I mean, look at you, look atwhat you've made it through,
look at how you've beenresourceful, look at how you've
made it to this point despiteall of the obstacles, despite
all of the things that youexperienced as a child, despite
all of the trauma that youexperienced as an adult or
(28:01):
whatever your story is.
Give yourself the credit forhow far you've come.
There's a quote by an anonymoussource that says trust yourself
, you have survived a lot andyou will survive whatever is
coming.
So take a moment this week andwrite out how far you have come,
(28:22):
what you have survived, anddon't judge how you survived it,
because we'll often say, well,I've survived, but I had to do
this and I didn't feel goodabout the way I did it, and we
begin to heap this judgment onourselves.
Listen, you survived.
You did what was necessary.
Those things may not serve younow and you're wanting to move
into a different space, but justthe mere fact of writing down
(28:43):
how you've been there foryourself, how you've learned to
survive and begin to reflect onthat, that in itself will begin
to give you self-confidence andbegin to show you how you have
been showing up for yourself andbegin to see that you can trust
yourself, that you do have yourown back.
Regardless of the mistakesyou've made, you've been there
(29:06):
for yourself.
If there's one thing that'strue, the only person who's been
through everything that you'vebeen through is you, and the
only person who is still therewith you is you, and your
greatest advocate can be you,and the person that you can
trust the most can be yourself.
(29:27):
So thank you for joining anotherepisode of the Permission to
Love podcast and remember, asalways, you are worthy of your
own love.
I hope today's episode wasvaluable to you, that you gained
some insights that are usefulfor you on your journey.
If you did, I just want to askthat you would rate it, review
it and, most importantly, thatyou would share it with somebody
else, because you never knowthe impact that it can have in
(29:49):
their life.
And finally, don't forget tosubscribe, because that'll let
you know when new episodes arecoming out.
I want to encourage you as wellthat if you do need more
resources, you can find me onjerryhendersonorg that's my
website.
You can also find me onInstagram at Jerry A Henderson.
Feel free to reach out to methere.
Send me a message.
I'd love to hear from you.
I'm really grateful that you'rehere and please don't forget
(30:16):
you are worthy of your own love.
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