January 6, 2025 • 31 mins
In this episode of the “Resilient by Design” series, we explore what emotional resilience really is and why it’s essential for overcoming challenges and staying aligned with our personal goals and values.
We examine research-backed strategies for developing emotional awareness, practicing self-compassion, engaging in mindfulness, and cultivating a supportive community—“emotional spotters”—to help us handle life’s ups and downs.
We also address how trauma can make it more difficult to trust safe relationships or fully engage with mindfulness, and we look at practical ways to overcome these hurdles in a trauma-informed way.
Remember, resilience is a learned skill—just like a muscle—and even small increments of growth are worth celebrating.
Key Topics Covered
- Defining emotional resilience and why it matters
- The “Resilient by Design” approach: incremental growth and mindset shifts
- Emotional awareness: recognizing, labeling, and understanding your feelings
- Self-compassion as a cornerstone of resilience
- Mindfulness practices for staying present and reducing emotional reactivity
- The power of supportive networks or “emotional spotters” in times of stress
- Overcoming the extra challenges trauma survivors face when building resilience
- Strategies like safe space visualization, somatic therapy, and breath work for trauma-informed resilience
Timestamped Chapters
00:00 – Welcome & Introduction
00:34 – Overview of the “Resilient by Design” Series
03:45 – Emotional Resilience: Definition & Importance
05:16 – Aligning Emotional Resilience with Personal Goals & Values
07:09 – Why Emotional Resilience ≠ Burying Emotions
08:08 – Embracing Difficult Emotions as Data (Dr. Susan David)
12:41 – Building Emotional Resilience: Evidence-Based Techniques
13:15 – Emotional Awareness & “Permission to Feel” (Dr. Mark Brackett)
16:05 – Cultivating Self-Compassion
19:16 – Treating Yourself as a Friend: The Power of Self-Kindness
21:42 – Mindfulness, Presence, & Living in the Moment
25:39 – Supportive Networks as “Emotional Spotters”
28:04 – Trauma’s Impact on Emotional Regulation & Relationship-Building
30:22 – Overcoming Trauma Challenges with Safe Space & Somatic Work
I am grateful you are here,
Jerry
Setup Your FREE Strategy Call:
Schedule Call
Website:
www.jerryhenderson.org
🔗 Access the course "Learning How to Love Yourself" here:
How is your relationship with yourself going?
Get your free-self assessment guide
Pick up your copy of my book:
Returning: Meditations and Reflections on Self-Love and Healing
Watch On Youtube
Get Your Free Weekly Healing Tips!
Instagram: @jerryahenderson
Linkedin: www.linkedin.com/in/jerryahenderson
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jerry Henderson (00:00):
Hello everybody and welcome to the Permission
to Love podcast.
I'm your host, jerry Henderson,and, as always, I'm so grateful
that you're here.
I want to tell you it means alot to me that you're listening
to this episode.
It means a lot to me thatyou're a part of this community.
I know how busy you are and thefact that you're prioritizing
developing a relationship withyourself that's healthy, that's
(00:21):
thriving, learning how to createthe life that you want to live,
learning how to have healthierrelationships with other people.
It means a lot to me that youallow me to be a part of that
journey.
So thank you for being here.
Now we're in the middle of aseries talking about resilience,
and we've titled it Resilientby Design, and the reason we've
done that is because I believethat you can design your
(00:46):
resilience, that you're notstuck at whatever resilience
level you find yourself at.
Okay, life may have handed youa whole bag of lemons and I know
it's cliche to say if lifehands you lemons, turn it into
lemonade.
But in the area of resilience,you can turn it into lemonade,
you can grow.
You're not stuck with what youhave.
It's a muscle.
(01:06):
It's like anything else in ourlife.
The more that we use it, themore that we're going to grow in
it.
And I believe in you.
I know you can do this.
So, no matter where you're at,just allow yourself to engage in
this content today, learn andgrow, and if you stick with it,
I guarantee you you grow.
And if you stick with it, Iguarantee you you're going to
(01:27):
find yourself improving.
And even if it's just 1%, 2% orwhatever percentage of growth,
that's still growth.
You know, if you look at aplant, how's the plant grow?
It doesn't grow overnight.
It has little bits ofincremental growth and that's
what we're doing in our journey.
We get incremental levels ofgrowth and we need to celebrate
each part of our growth.
(01:48):
Okay, so way to go.
Thank you for being here Now.
Before I continue with today'sepisode, I want to take a moment
and encourage you and inviteyou to subscribe or to follow
this podcast, if you haven'tdone so already.
You know the research showsthat 50% of people who listen to
a podcast don't actually followit or subscribe to it, and one
(02:08):
of the challenges with this isthat they're often not alerted
when new episodes come out.
So when you want to know whenthe new episodes come out,
especially on this series aboutResilient by Design.
Take a moment, hit that followbutton, hit the subscribe button
.
Now, the other thing that doingthat, taking that small action,
does, is it actually increasesthe reach of this podcast.
It helps people connect withthis work about how they can
(02:31):
have a healthier relationshipwith themselves.
You know, one of my big goalssomething I have written down is
to help a million people learnhow to have a healthier
relationship with themselves byshowing self-compassion,
self-acceptance and seeing thatthey are worthy of their own
love.
And this podcast and thecommunity of listeners is a huge
(02:52):
part of being able to make thattype of impact.
So, whether you've just startedlistening or you've been a part
of this community for a whileand you've not yet hit that
follow or subscribe button,please do that, because that's
going to help continue to getthis message out about how
people can transform theirrelationship with themselves.
Now the other thing that thatsmall action is going to do is
it's going to really help usthis year why?
(03:14):
Because this year I'm lookingat having guests on the show and
this podcast having a largerbase of followers is going to
help us extend invitations tothe types of guests that I think
can really serve you on yourjourney.
So if you would do me and thisshow and this community a huge
favor and hit that follow andsubscribe button on whatever
(03:35):
platform that you're listeningto this podcast on Now, in
today's episode, we're going tobe talking specifically about
how to develop emotionalresilience.
Now, before we dive intoemotional resilience, let's just
take a moment to talk aboutsome of the things that we're
going to be covering in thisseries.
We're going to talk aboutdifferent types of resilience
(03:55):
everything from psychological,physical, social, cognitive
resilience and, of course, todaywe're talking about emotional
resilience.
We're also going to be talkingabout the research behind what
actually causes us to beresilient Things like strong
relationships, self-awareness,having a sense of purpose and
meaning and then having healthyroutines in our life.
(04:16):
Those are all things that arereally important in allowing us
to be resilient, and I don'tknow about you, but right now it
seems like we need resiliencemore than ever, and especially
emotional resilience.
As we turn on the news or theradio or we look at our social
media, we're bombarded right nowwith a lot of negative things,
things that can get our nervoussystem really fired up and it
(04:39):
can take a toll on usemotionally, and I know a lot of
you are facing some prettysignificant struggles, whether
it's the loss of a loved one, orit's the loss of a job, or you
didn't get that promotion, orthe end of a relationship, or
dealing with difficulties athome or financial struggles, or
you're on a journey of healingfrom significant trauma and pain
(05:01):
in your life.
Whatever the story is, I reallyhope that these episodes on how
to be resilient, how to buildresilience, can help you, will
serve you on your journey.
So now let's define what isemotional resilience.
Emotional resilience refers toour ability to adapt to
(05:21):
stressful situations, challengesor adversity, while maintaining
emotional balance and mentalwell-being.
It involves managing ouremotions effectively, being able
to bounce back from difficultexperiences and continuing to
function in a way that alignswith our personal goals and
(05:41):
values.
I think that's a reallyimportant part of it aligning
with our personal goals andvalues.
I think that's a reallyimportant part of it aligning
with our personal goals andvalues, because a lot of times,
what happens is we'll experiencesomething, somebody will say
something, or something pops upin our life and if we don't have
the necessary emotionalresilience to deal with it, it
can throw us off track of thosegoals that we have right.
(06:02):
We start to spiral down.
We feel like, well, that personsaid this or this happened
today, and it means X, y or Z,and we start to tell ourselves
stories about ourselves becauseof the experiences that we've
had.
And if we don't have thecapacity to bounce back from
that, to look at it, to be ableto see it and frame it for what
(06:22):
it is, we're going to findourselves getting derailed a lot
and that's one of the thingsthat I work with people in
coaching is helping them stayfocused in on the goals that
they have for their life, andone of the ways that we do that
is examining the stories that wehave that we tell ourselves
that help us build emotionalresilience or is sabotaging our
(06:45):
emotional resilience.
And emotional resilience isabsolutely key to facing those
things that are trying tosabotage us, derail us, getting
us off track from our personalgoals and building the life that
we actually want to live.
Now, before we go on, I justwant to be really clear about
something.
Now, before we go on, I justwant to be really clear about
something Emotional resilienceis not about burying our
(07:07):
emotions, okay.
It's not about stuffing them,pushing them aside, because when
we do that, we're not actuallygiving ourselves the opportunity
to build emotional resilience.
And then when the big thingscome, we don't know how to face
them.
And then we spiral, we derail,and then we start to ask
ourselves like, hey, what'swrong with me?
I thought I was further alongthan I was, I was handling all
(07:30):
of these other things, and nowall of a sudden I can't handle
this.
And then they start to beatthemselves up and it causes them
to derail from the progressthat they were making.
And here's the truth about thatwhen we don't give ourselves
the opportunity to practiceemotional resilience on a
regular basis with the smallthings instead of pushing them
aside, we don't have thecapacity to deal with the big
(07:51):
things and we're reallydeceiving ourselves thinking
that we have emotionalresilience, but the truth is,
the way that you get emotionalresilience is by building it,
using it as a muscle in thesmall things, and as you do that
, you increase your capacity tohandle the big things.
Now, one of the people I reallyadmire on their work around
emotional regulation what sherefers to as emotional agility
(08:14):
is Dr Susan David, apsychologist and author, who
emphasizes the importance ofemotional agility as a part of
building emotional resilienceand overall resilience.
She talks about emotionalagility as our ability to
navigate our inner experienceswith clarity, courage and
compassion.
She really challenges us toembrace difficult emotions and
(08:38):
use them as data points to guideour decisions, rather than
seeing those difficult emotionsas barriers to our success.
And she also challenges us torecognize and accept all of our
emotions, including thedifficult ones, and to do all of
that without judgment andrealizing that we're going to
have those emotions, we're goingto have those difficult times,
(09:00):
and the acceptance that thosethings are going to show up is a
part of building emotionalresilience.
So, if you're dealing with alot of challenging emotions and
those things are popping up andyou're judging yourself for them
, you're thinking I shouldn'thave them, I should be able to
deal with life better than I am.
I want to just ask you to takea moment and accept the fact
(09:20):
that that's a normal part ofbeing a human being and we're
going to talk about that here injust a minute.
But please just give yourselfthe ability to accept the fact
you're going to have difficultemotions.
You're going to have greatemotions, good emotions.
You're going to be on thespectrum of different types of
emotions, and just becausethat's happening doesn't mean
(09:41):
you're not making progressanymore, doesn't mean that
there's something wrong with you.
Okay, it's a part of thejourney, and giving yourself
permission to experience all ofthat is key to having emotional
resilience.
Hey, I just want to take amoment and congratulate you on
making another trip around thesun.
(10:02):
Welcome to 2025.
And you know, what many of us doas we go into a new year is we
set our new year's resolutions.
Now, here's the challenge.
Research shows that 80% ofpeople will abandon their new
year's resolutions by Februaryand less than 10% of people will
(10:22):
have followed through withtheir new year's resolutions by
the end of this year.
So if you're a person whostruggles with goals and
following through with them, theresearch shows you're not the
only one.
Now, on the other hand, if youwant this year to be different
and you actually want to followthrough on the things that you
want to do, like having ahealthier relationship with
yourself, getting sober, havinglife-giving relationships
(10:45):
instead of life-suckingrelationships we want to stop
letting limiting beliefs theimposter syndrome hold you back
from advancing in your careerand living up to your potential.
We're finally ready to reallydeal with that inner critic and
develop a more self-acceptingrelationship with yourself.
This is the year you really wantto tackle that struggle that
you have with shame or feelinglike there's something wrong
(11:07):
with you, that you're uniquelybroken or whatever the messages
are that trauma or other painfullife experiences gave you.
Then you're going to have totake a different approach than
the majority of people that areout there, and the research
shows that one of the key thingsthat you can do to be
successful in making change isto have support and
accountability.
And one of the things that youcan do to be successful in
making change is to have supportand accountability.
And one of the things that youcan do this year to help you not
(11:30):
be the 90% that don't followthrough on what they said they
can do is to get coaching.
Research shows that 80% ofpeople who receive coaching
report a significant increase intheir self-confidence, which
also leads to a greaterattainment of the goals that
they set, which then leads to anoverall sense of happiness and
(11:52):
well-being.
And further research shows that70% of coaching clients say
that it helped improve theirrelationships, their
communication and their careeropportunities.
So this year, if you want tomake things different than they
were last year.
I want to invite you to set upa free strategy call with me and
to help you take that firststep and kick off this new year,
(12:12):
I'm offering $500 off mythree-month and my six-month
coaching programs if you sign upfor a free strategy call by
January 31st.
So if you're ready to set upthat call, just simply see the
show notes in this episode, oryou can simply go to my website
at jerryhendersonorg and, whenyou set up your free strategy
call, just simply note thatyou're a podcast listener and
(12:33):
you'll get that $500 off.
I'm looking forward toconnecting with you and learning
more about the goals that youhave for your life.
Now let's start talking abouthow can we strengthen our
emotional resilience, and I wantto talk about the
evidence-based techniques thatare going to help us do that.
Now, the first thing is tostart practicing emotional
awareness.
(12:54):
Let me ask you a question Doyou feel like you're an
emotionally aware person?
If not, that's okay, becauseyou can build it.
And so what is emotionalawareness?
It's the ability to recognizeand label emotions.
Okay, and this is the firststep.
To start trying to manage them.
We need to be able to recognizewhat's going on inside of us
and then name it.
(13:15):
Now, according to Dr MarkBrackett, he's the author of
Permission to Feel.
He says that naming ouremotions accurately helps reduce
their intensity and providesclarity on how to respond to
them.
So the ability to have claritywith what's going on inside of
us is going to give us thecapacity to respond to them.
So, for example, instead ofsaying, man, I feel bad, what
(13:38):
does that mean?
I feel bad, and what action canyou take on I feel bad to, and
what action can you take on Ifeel bad to, make some changes.
So, instead of simply saying Ifeel bad, try going a layer
deeper.
Try identifying the specificemotion.
So try using words like I feeldisappointed, I feel betrayed, I
feel anxious, I feeloverwhelmed.
(14:00):
So why is that important foremotional resilience?
Well, what that's going to dois it's going to help you see a
little bit more clearly aboutwhat's going on, and then you
can go a layer deeper.
For example, if you're saying Ifeel overwhelmed, you can get
curious about that.
Why do I feel overwhelmed?
That sense of overwhelmed isactually what's making me feel
bad, like I'm in a funk or I'mstressed and anxious.
(14:23):
Okay, so it's about me feelingoverwhelmed.
How did I get overwhelmed?
Did I take on more than I hadcapacity for?
Did I say yes to things thatmaybe I shouldn't have said yes
to?
Am I trying to do too much,right?
Am I trying to do too much,perfectly, all of the time?
And so seeing the fact thatit's about being overwhelmed
(14:45):
because maybe I'm overcommitted,and then asking, how did I get
overcommitted?
Well then, lead me into whatwas the motivation that got me
to be overcommitted.
Was I afraid that would hurtsomebody's feeling?
If I said no, am I a highachiever?
And I feel like the only wayI'm going to get value is by
proving myself.
You see, that's getting us intothe layers of what's really
(15:06):
going on and, as we addressthose things, that's absolutely
going to contribute to ourability to develop emotional
resilience.
So the next time you feel thatyou're in a funk and you don't
know how to label it, take sometime, sit with yourself, try to
go a little bit deeper and labelwhat you're feeling with more
specific words, because that'sgoing to lead you down a path to
(15:29):
discover what's going on thatyou can then take action on.
And as you're taking action onthose things, you're managing
what's going on with you andyou're developing emotional
resilience.
The second thing we want totalk about that research shows
helps us in developing emotionalresilience is cultivating
self-compassion, and you know me100% super fan of
(15:49):
self-compassion.
Why?
Because it is one of the mosttransformational things that we
can do in order to have ahealthy relationship with
ourselves and guys, one of themost important things that we
can do to have emotionalresilience is to have a healthy
relationship with ourselves.
An author and spiritual teacherthat I really admire he passed
away recently as Thich Nhat Hanhand he talks about his ability
(16:12):
to come into the present momentand find home within himself.
That when he arrives in thepresent moment with himself, he
says I have arrived home.
And right now I'm reading oneof his books called At Home in
the World, and it's a collectionof stories and teachings from
his life.
But I found that reallyinteresting that he says I have
(16:34):
arrived at home.
When I'm with myself, in thepresent moment, I've arrived
home.
And he talks about I don't haveany place to go, any place to
be, I'm home with me.
And that really got me thinkingabout how few of us really feel
like we're at home withourselves.
We don't feel comfortable inour own skin.
And why is that?
(16:55):
Well, because we're probably inthere judging ourselves,
criticizing ourselves, beatingourselves up, and when we're in
that mode, no way we're going tofeel at home with ourselves,
and that's why we distractourselves so much.
We're actually distractingourselves from ourselves, the
way that we talk to ourselves,the way that we feel about
ourselves.
And one of the key things thatcan help us feel at home is
practicing self-compassion.
(17:16):
Why?
Because when we'recompassionate with ourselves, we
start to end the war inside ofourselves.
You know, we're in therebeating ourselves up, we're in
there judging ourselves forjudging ourselves.
We're trying to heal the voiceof an inner critic with the
voice of another inner critic.
And what self-compassion can dois it can actually relax our
nervous system.
(17:37):
It can help get us out of fight, flight, freeze and fawn mode,
because we begin to end the wartowards ourselves, with
ourselves, and we begin to finda place of home in ourselves
where we can relax, we can be atease and we can give ourselves
space to just be.
And the ability to just be isabsolutely key in our ability to
(18:00):
develop emotional resilience,because if we're constantly
wired up, we're spending all ofour emotional resilience.
We're constantly in a state oftrying to control our emotions,
we're trying to constantly dealwith the way that we feel about
ourselves, and that's going tofatigue us, it's going to burn
us out emotionally.
We've got no resilience left,and so we need times of rest.
(18:22):
We need times of recovery inorder to have emotional
resilience, and one of the waysthat we can do that is
developing a place of homewithin ourselves, and a key to
that is practicingself-compassion.
Now Dr Kristen Neff, one of myfavorite researchers on
self-compassion, talks about howself-compassion actually
enhances emotional resilience byreducing these feelings of
(18:44):
shame and self-criticism.
Now, in this episode, I justwant to give a few quick tips on
how to practice self-compassionNow.
I've done previous episodes onthis, so you can go back and
listen to those if you need to.
I just want to give a few tipsright now to help you, and
number one is self-kindness.
When you can treat yourselfwith kindness, it will help.
(19:05):
You have compassion towardsyourself, and so I want to
encourage you to treat yourselfthe way that you would treat
anybody else who is goingthrough what you're going
through.
So take a moment and call amoment where you're with a
friend who is going through adifficult situation.
Maybe they're going through abreakup, maybe they lost their
job or a loved one, or they hadfailed on something, or they're
(19:26):
beating themselves up, feelingreally bad about themselves.
How did you approach them inthat moment?
Did you beat them up?
Did you tell them that theywere a loser?
Did you say you deserve to loseyour job, you're no good at
your job and you'll never findanother job?
Probably didn't do that, didyou?
You encouraged them, you heldspace for them, you probably
(19:46):
pointed out their good points,etc.
So try practicing that withyourself.
And now.
I know that might feel awkward,I know you may not feel like
you're worthy of that compassion, but I want to tell you you are
.
You're absolutely worthy ofyour own love and your own
compassion.
And begin to treat yourself asyour own best friend.
How would you speak to a friendwho is going through that
(20:08):
situation?
And if you have all thesefeelings and emotions arising as
to why you can't give that toyourself, allow yourself the
permission to set those asidefor a moment and then begin to
express toward yourself the samekindness that you would give to
somebody else.
Now the second thing that canhelp you in practicing
self-compassion is realizingyour common humanity.
A lot of what you'reexperiencing, most of what
(20:31):
you're experiencing, is a partof being human.
Now, I don't say that todiminish what you're going
through.
I share that.
To say that you're not alone,that you're not uniquely broken.
You know, a lot of times wefeel like we can't have
compassion towards ourselvesbecause we think we're the only
one going through it.
We think that we've screwed upmore than anybody else.
(20:52):
I just want to encourage youthat, yes, while you are unique
and your story is unique, thefact that you're having
struggles is not unique.
Everybody has them.
And, once again, that's not todiminish what you're going
through.
It's just to hopefully give yousome space to see that you're
not uniquely broken, that whatyou're experiencing is a part of
(21:16):
being human.
And the research shows thatwhen we can connect with our
common humanity, with our sharedstruggle, it can help open up
compassion towards ourselves.
It can also help us developthat resilience, because we know
we're not going through italone.
Okay now the next thing thatresearch shows can really help
us is to engage in mindfulnesspractices and you know me, I'm a
(21:40):
huge fan of mindfulnesspractices.
Why Super transformative in myjourney.
It's one of the key things thathelped me get comfortable being
in my own presence, to explorewhat was going on inside of me,
to learn how to love myself.
I often say sit with yourselfin stillness and silence until
you can sit with yourself instillness and silence.
(22:01):
So what is mindfulness instillness and silence?
So what is mindfulness?
Real, quick Mindfulness isabout being present in the
moment and observing what'sgoing on inside of you, what's
going on around you, and doingall of that without judgment.
Just let it be, observe it,don't label it, don't judge it,
(22:21):
just be with it.
And for me, I've really beendiving even more deeply into
mindfulness recently and beingpresent, practicing my mindful
walks, times of meditation andjust allowing myself to be in
the moment, not ruminating aboutthe past, not fearing the
future, and just living in thismoment.
(22:42):
I'm realizing more and more howlittle permission I've given
myself over the years to enjoymy life.
A lot of my life was spent intrying to make a living instead
of living.
A lot of my life was spent intrying to prove myself instead
of allowing myself to be, andhow much of my life I missed out
on as a result of not being inthe present moment.
(23:06):
So I want to invite you to findways to be present, to be here
now, in this moment, to giveyourself permission to
experience your life, to liveyour life, to see all of the
beauty that surrounds you, andto not get so busy living that
you're not actually living, tonot get so wrapped up in the
(23:28):
doing of life that you forgetthat life is about being,
because, remember, we're on arock, flying through the
universe, spinning in circles,and we recently took a trip
around the sun.
Again, we're going through whatseems to be a never-ending
universe that continues toexpand, and we're in all of this
beauty and you know what?
(23:50):
We're going to miss it if wekeep our heads down in all the
problems and everything that'sgoing on.
And I know those things arereal, believe me, I know the
worries are real, I know theregrets are real, but this
present moment is more real thanall of that.
So how does that help us buildemotional resilience?
Because it helps us experiencea deeper level of gratitude
(24:13):
about what's going on around us.
It allows us to be out of thepast and the rumination and the
regrets, and it allows us topractice being out of the future
and the worries and thecatastrophizing that happens
when we think about that, and itbrings us into this moment
where we can be aware of what'sgoing on inside of us, where we
(24:33):
can observe our inner world.
And we're never gonna be ableto do that if we don't take the
moment to practice mindfulness,to be here now.
Dr Jon Kabat-Zinn'smindfulness-based stress
reduction program has shown overand over that mindfulness
significantly reduces emotionalreactivity and increases
(24:56):
resilience.
Why?
For all the reasons I'vealready mentioned.
And it also allows us to relax,gives our nervous system a
break, allows our emotionalsystem to reset some and is
actually exercising thatemotional muscle to be here in
the moment and to let go of allthe regrets of the past and the
(25:17):
emotions that come with that andall of the fears of the future,
as I've already mentioned, andgrounds us in where we're at
right now.
And I got to tell you thatalone is a lot of work and that
alone is really working thatmuscle of emotional resilience.
Now the next thing thatresearch shows us can really
help us build our emotionalresilience is having a
(25:37):
supportive network.
Relationships absolutely play avery key role in resilience.
Why is that?
Because those relationships canact as what I call an emotional
spotter.
What do I mean by that?
You know, my wife and I we liketo go to the gym, and one of
the things that we do is get onthe bench press.
(25:58):
And one of the things that'simportant about the bench press
especially when you're trying topush yourself to levels that
you haven't gone to before andyou're putting extra weight on
the bar and you're reallypushing yourself it's very
important to have a spotter.
Now, what does a spotter do?
For those of you who are notfamiliar with that, well, they
help you in those moments whenyou're really struggling to push
(26:20):
that weight up.
Okay, you're doing those reps.
Then, all of a sudden, you'regetting to that point of failure
and you need just a little bitof help or sometimes some
significant help to get that barback up so that you can rack
the weight and be safe.
Now, the key thing about aspotter is to not do all the
work for the person.
Right, that person needs to dothose reps, they need to push
(26:41):
themselves, but what the spotterdoes is helps in those moments
where the person can't do it ontheir own, and a network of
supportive relationships.
It does exactly that.
We all have those momentsemotionally where we just need
some help.
We can't handle it on our own,and that's okay.
That's not failure, okay,that's humanity.
We all need relationships thatcan help us get through those
(27:04):
times where we feel like wecan't do it on our own.
We all need emotional spotters.
We all need those people whocan talk to us, who can
encourage us, who can get us upover that hump, who can get us
through the breakup, through thelost job or the lost loved one
or whatever is going on.
We need people who can sayyou've got this, I believe in
you, I'm here for you, who canwalk us through something, who
(27:28):
can just sit with us.
Those are our emotionalspotters in life.
It's okay to have them, it'sokay to need them and it's a key
part of building emotionalresilience.
So, whether it's a trustedfriend, coach or support group,
having someone to talk to canmake all the difference in the
world.
So give yourself permission toseek out the relationships that
(27:51):
can help you build the emotionalresilience that you need.
As we continue on, I just wantto take a moment and talk to
those of us who have a historyof trauma Building emotional
resilience, for you might feel alittle bit more challenging,
and that's okay.
And why is that?
Well, it's because traumaimpacts our ability to regulate
emotionally, as we talked aboutin the last episode.
(28:11):
It makes us more reactive andit has all of these biological
effects on us.
It can have a tendency to causeus to be more withdrawn and
less trusting of relationships,and the challenge with that
right is that, if the researchshows that supportive networks
is really important for us, howdo we build those supportive
networks if we don't trustpeople?
We're in a bit of a dichotomywhen it comes to these things
(28:34):
called relationships, becauseit's people who hurt us, who
cause the pain, who cause thetrauma, and, because of that, a
part of what's going to bringhealing to us is people, safe
relationships, correctiveexperiences, empathy, being met
with love and, yes, self-loveand self-compassion is a huge
(28:55):
part of our healing journey.
But people are also a big partof our healing journey and
connecting with those loving,trusting relationships can be
really difficult for peoplewho've experienced trauma and so
, trying to get into a place ofemotional regulation and being
able to feel safe, to practicethings like emotional awareness,
(29:17):
to be able to give ourselvesself-compassion, to be mindful,
to be in the present moment,because the present moment was a
scary place and wedisassociated from the present
moment, and so being able topractice mindfulness can be a
struggle and the supportivenetwork.
So all of those things fortrauma survivors present some
extra challenges, but I do wantto encourage you that there are
(29:38):
things that you can do that canhelp you feel safe as you start
to practice things likemindfulness and building
supportive networks.
There's trauma-informed therapyand coaching.
There's grounding exercises,there's safe space,
visualization, breath work,somatic therapy.
So there's a number of thingsyou can do, and one of the key
(29:59):
starting points of it is justbecoming aware of the fact that
trauma does have an impact onyour ability to do those things
like mindfulness and emotionalawareness, and that doesn't mean
that there's something wrongwith you, okay, so if you're
really struggling with thosethings, your nervous system is
acting up, you're not feelingsafe work with somebody who can
help create a safe space for youto begin to explore those
(30:21):
things.
Just because you're strugglingto feel safe in those practices
doesn't mean that you can't doit, and it definitely doesn't
mean that there's somethingwrong with you and it's okay to
get the additional support thatyou need to go on that journey.
Well, I hope you enjoyedtoday's episode and, if you did,
I want to encourage you toshare it with somebody who you
think could benefit from it,because if it's helping you,
(30:43):
it's going to help them as well,and you never know the
difference that it can make intheir life.
Now, if you need resources orhelp on your journey, you can
see the show notes in thisepisode or you can visit my
website at jerryhendersonorg.
I've created some downloads andother resources that you can
access there, and you can alsolearn more about my coaching
program.
And finally, I want to remindyou, as always, that you are
(31:06):
worthy of your own love.
Hello everybody and welcome to the Permission
to Love podcast.
I'm your host, jerry Henderson,and, as always, I'm so grateful
that you're here.
I want to tell you it means alot to me that you're listening
to this episode.
It means a lot to me thatyou're a part of this community.
I know how busy you are and thefact that you're prioritizing
developing a relationship withyourself that's healthy, that's
(00:21):
thriving, learning how to createthe life that you want to live,
learning how to have healthierrelationships with other people.
It means a lot to me that youallow me to be a part of that
journey.
So thank you for being here.
Now we're in the middle of aseries talking about resilience,
and we've titled it Resilientby Design, and the reason we've
done that is because I believethat you can design your
(00:46):
resilience, that you're notstuck at whatever resilience
level you find yourself at.
Okay, life may have handed youa whole bag of lemons and I know
it's cliche to say if lifehands you lemons, turn it into
lemonade.
But in the area of resilience,you can turn it into lemonade,
you can grow.
You're not stuck with what youhave.
It's a muscle.
(01:06):
It's like anything else in ourlife.
The more that we use it, themore that we're going to grow in
it.
And I believe in you.
I know you can do this.
So, no matter where you're at,just allow yourself to engage in
this content today, learn andgrow, and if you stick with it,
I guarantee you you grow.
And if you stick with it, Iguarantee you you're going to
(01:27):
find yourself improving.
And even if it's just 1%, 2% orwhatever percentage of growth,
that's still growth.
You know, if you look at aplant, how's the plant grow?
It doesn't grow overnight.
It has little bits ofincremental growth and that's
what we're doing in our journey.
We get incremental levels ofgrowth and we need to celebrate
each part of our growth.
(01:48):
Okay, so way to go.
Thank you for being here Now.
Before I continue with today'sepisode, I want to take a moment
and encourage you and inviteyou to subscribe or to follow
this podcast, if you haven'tdone so already.
You know the research showsthat 50% of people who listen to
a podcast don't actually followit or subscribe to it, and one
(02:08):
of the challenges with this isthat they're often not alerted
when new episodes come out.
So when you want to know whenthe new episodes come out,
especially on this series aboutResilient by Design.
Take a moment, hit that followbutton, hit the subscribe button
.
Now, the other thing that doingthat, taking that small action,
does, is it actually increasesthe reach of this podcast.
It helps people connect withthis work about how they can
(02:31):
have a healthier relationshipwith themselves.
You know, one of my big goalssomething I have written down is
to help a million people learnhow to have a healthier
relationship with themselves byshowing self-compassion,
self-acceptance and seeing thatthey are worthy of their own
love.
And this podcast and thecommunity of listeners is a huge
(02:52):
part of being able to make thattype of impact.
So, whether you've just startedlistening or you've been a part
of this community for a whileand you've not yet hit that
follow or subscribe button,please do that, because that's
going to help continue to getthis message out about how
people can transform theirrelationship with themselves.
Now the other thing that thatsmall action is going to do is
it's going to really help usthis year why?
(03:14):
Because this year I'm lookingat having guests on the show and
this podcast having a largerbase of followers is going to
help us extend invitations tothe types of guests that I think
can really serve you on yourjourney.
So if you would do me and thisshow and this community a huge
favor and hit that follow andsubscribe button on whatever
(03:35):
platform that you're listeningto this podcast on Now, in
today's episode, we're going tobe talking specifically about
how to develop emotionalresilience.
Now, before we dive intoemotional resilience, let's just
take a moment to talk aboutsome of the things that we're
going to be covering in thisseries.
We're going to talk aboutdifferent types of resilience
(03:55):
everything from psychological,physical, social, cognitive
resilience and, of course, todaywe're talking about emotional
resilience.
We're also going to be talkingabout the research behind what
actually causes us to beresilient Things like strong
relationships, self-awareness,having a sense of purpose and
meaning and then having healthyroutines in our life.
(04:16):
Those are all things that arereally important in allowing us
to be resilient, and I don'tknow about you, but right now it
seems like we need resiliencemore than ever, and especially
emotional resilience.
As we turn on the news or theradio or we look at our social
media, we're bombarded right nowwith a lot of negative things,
things that can get our nervoussystem really fired up and it
(04:39):
can take a toll on usemotionally, and I know a lot of
you are facing some prettysignificant struggles, whether
it's the loss of a loved one, orit's the loss of a job, or you
didn't get that promotion, orthe end of a relationship, or
dealing with difficulties athome or financial struggles, or
you're on a journey of healingfrom significant trauma and pain
(05:01):
in your life.
Whatever the story is, I reallyhope that these episodes on how
to be resilient, how to buildresilience, can help you, will
serve you on your journey.
So now let's define what isemotional resilience.
Emotional resilience refers toour ability to adapt to
(05:21):
stressful situations, challengesor adversity, while maintaining
emotional balance and mentalwell-being.
It involves managing ouremotions effectively, being able
to bounce back from difficultexperiences and continuing to
function in a way that alignswith our personal goals and
(05:41):
values.
I think that's a reallyimportant part of it aligning
with our personal goals andvalues.
I think that's a reallyimportant part of it aligning
with our personal goals andvalues, because a lot of times,
what happens is we'll experiencesomething, somebody will say
something, or something pops upin our life and if we don't have
the necessary emotionalresilience to deal with it, it
can throw us off track of thosegoals that we have right.
(06:02):
We start to spiral down.
We feel like, well, that personsaid this or this happened
today, and it means X, y or Z,and we start to tell ourselves
stories about ourselves becauseof the experiences that we've
had.
And if we don't have thecapacity to bounce back from
that, to look at it, to be ableto see it and frame it for what
(06:22):
it is, we're going to findourselves getting derailed a lot
and that's one of the thingsthat I work with people in
coaching is helping them stayfocused in on the goals that
they have for their life, andone of the ways that we do that
is examining the stories that wehave that we tell ourselves
that help us build emotionalresilience or is sabotaging our
(06:45):
emotional resilience.
And emotional resilience isabsolutely key to facing those
things that are trying tosabotage us, derail us, getting
us off track from our personalgoals and building the life that
we actually want to live.
Now, before we go on, I justwant to be really clear about
something.
Now, before we go on, I justwant to be really clear about
something Emotional resilienceis not about burying our
(07:07):
emotions, okay.
It's not about stuffing them,pushing them aside, because when
we do that, we're not actuallygiving ourselves the opportunity
to build emotional resilience.
And then when the big thingscome, we don't know how to face
them.
And then we spiral, we derail,and then we start to ask
ourselves like, hey, what'swrong with me?
I thought I was further alongthan I was, I was handling all
(07:30):
of these other things, and nowall of a sudden I can't handle
this.
And then they start to beatthemselves up and it causes them
to derail from the progressthat they were making.
And here's the truth about thatwhen we don't give ourselves
the opportunity to practiceemotional resilience on a
regular basis with the smallthings instead of pushing them
aside, we don't have thecapacity to deal with the big
(07:51):
things and we're reallydeceiving ourselves thinking
that we have emotionalresilience, but the truth is,
the way that you get emotionalresilience is by building it,
using it as a muscle in thesmall things, and as you do that
, you increase your capacity tohandle the big things.
Now, one of the people I reallyadmire on their work around
emotional regulation what sherefers to as emotional agility
(08:14):
is Dr Susan David, apsychologist and author, who
emphasizes the importance ofemotional agility as a part of
building emotional resilienceand overall resilience.
She talks about emotionalagility as our ability to
navigate our inner experienceswith clarity, courage and
compassion.
She really challenges us toembrace difficult emotions and
(08:38):
use them as data points to guideour decisions, rather than
seeing those difficult emotionsas barriers to our success.
And she also challenges us torecognize and accept all of our
emotions, including thedifficult ones, and to do all of
that without judgment andrealizing that we're going to
have those emotions, we're goingto have those difficult times,
(09:00):
and the acceptance that thosethings are going to show up is a
part of building emotionalresilience.
So, if you're dealing with alot of challenging emotions and
those things are popping up andyou're judging yourself for them
, you're thinking I shouldn'thave them, I should be able to
deal with life better than I am.
I want to just ask you to takea moment and accept the fact
(09:20):
that that's a normal part ofbeing a human being and we're
going to talk about that here injust a minute.
But please just give yourselfthe ability to accept the fact
you're going to have difficultemotions.
You're going to have greatemotions, good emotions.
You're going to be on thespectrum of different types of
emotions, and just becausethat's happening doesn't mean
(09:41):
you're not making progressanymore, doesn't mean that
there's something wrong with you.
Okay, it's a part of thejourney, and giving yourself
permission to experience all ofthat is key to having emotional
resilience.
Hey, I just want to take amoment and congratulate you on
making another trip around thesun.
(10:02):
Welcome to 2025.
And you know, what many of us doas we go into a new year is we
set our new year's resolutions.
Now, here's the challenge.
Research shows that 80% ofpeople will abandon their new
year's resolutions by Februaryand less than 10% of people will
(10:22):
have followed through withtheir new year's resolutions by
the end of this year.
So if you're a person whostruggles with goals and
following through with them, theresearch shows you're not the
only one.
Now, on the other hand, if youwant this year to be different
and you actually want to followthrough on the things that you
want to do, like having ahealthier relationship with
yourself, getting sober, havinglife-giving relationships
(10:45):
instead of life-suckingrelationships we want to stop
letting limiting beliefs theimposter syndrome hold you back
from advancing in your careerand living up to your potential.
We're finally ready to reallydeal with that inner critic and
develop a more self-acceptingrelationship with yourself.
This is the year you really wantto tackle that struggle that
you have with shame or feelinglike there's something wrong
(11:07):
with you, that you're uniquelybroken or whatever the messages
are that trauma or other painfullife experiences gave you.
Then you're going to have totake a different approach than
the majority of people that areout there, and the research
shows that one of the key thingsthat you can do to be
successful in making change isto have support and
accountability.
And one of the things that youcan do to be successful in
making change is to have supportand accountability.
And one of the things that youcan do this year to help you not
(11:30):
be the 90% that don't followthrough on what they said they
can do is to get coaching.
Research shows that 80% ofpeople who receive coaching
report a significant increase intheir self-confidence, which
also leads to a greaterattainment of the goals that
they set, which then leads to anoverall sense of happiness and
(11:52):
well-being.
And further research shows that70% of coaching clients say
that it helped improve theirrelationships, their
communication and their careeropportunities.
So this year, if you want tomake things different than they
were last year.
I want to invite you to set upa free strategy call with me and
to help you take that firststep and kick off this new year,
(12:12):
I'm offering $500 off mythree-month and my six-month
coaching programs if you sign upfor a free strategy call by
January 31st.
So if you're ready to set upthat call, just simply see the
show notes in this episode, oryou can simply go to my website
at jerryhendersonorg and, whenyou set up your free strategy
call, just simply note thatyou're a podcast listener and
(12:33):
you'll get that $500 off.
I'm looking forward toconnecting with you and learning
more about the goals that youhave for your life.
Now let's start talking abouthow can we strengthen our
emotional resilience, and I wantto talk about the
evidence-based techniques thatare going to help us do that.
Now, the first thing is tostart practicing emotional
awareness.
(12:54):
Let me ask you a question Doyou feel like you're an
emotionally aware person?
If not, that's okay, becauseyou can build it.
And so what is emotionalawareness?
It's the ability to recognizeand label emotions.
Okay, and this is the firststep.
To start trying to manage them.
We need to be able to recognizewhat's going on inside of us
and then name it.
(13:15):
Now, according to Dr MarkBrackett, he's the author of
Permission to Feel.
He says that naming ouremotions accurately helps reduce
their intensity and providesclarity on how to respond to
them.
So the ability to have claritywith what's going on inside of
us is going to give us thecapacity to respond to them.
So, for example, instead ofsaying, man, I feel bad, what
(13:38):
does that mean?
I feel bad, and what action canyou take on I feel bad to, and
what action can you take on Ifeel bad to, make some changes.
So, instead of simply saying Ifeel bad, try going a layer
deeper.
Try identifying the specificemotion.
So try using words like I feeldisappointed, I feel betrayed, I
feel anxious, I feeloverwhelmed.
(14:00):
So why is that important foremotional resilience?
Well, what that's going to dois it's going to help you see a
little bit more clearly aboutwhat's going on, and then you
can go a layer deeper.
For example, if you're saying Ifeel overwhelmed, you can get
curious about that.
Why do I feel overwhelmed?
That sense of overwhelmed isactually what's making me feel
bad, like I'm in a funk or I'mstressed and anxious.
(14:23):
Okay, so it's about me feelingoverwhelmed.
How did I get overwhelmed?
Did I take on more than I hadcapacity for?
Did I say yes to things thatmaybe I shouldn't have said yes
to?
Am I trying to do too much,right?
Am I trying to do too much,perfectly, all of the time?
And so seeing the fact thatit's about being overwhelmed
(14:45):
because maybe I'm overcommitted,and then asking, how did I get
overcommitted?
Well then, lead me into whatwas the motivation that got me
to be overcommitted.
Was I afraid that would hurtsomebody's feeling?
If I said no, am I a highachiever?
And I feel like the only wayI'm going to get value is by
proving myself.
You see, that's getting us intothe layers of what's really
(15:06):
going on and, as we addressthose things, that's absolutely
going to contribute to ourability to develop emotional
resilience.
So the next time you feel thatyou're in a funk and you don't
know how to label it, take sometime, sit with yourself, try to
go a little bit deeper and labelwhat you're feeling with more
specific words, because that'sgoing to lead you down a path to
(15:29):
discover what's going on thatyou can then take action on.
And as you're taking action onthose things, you're managing
what's going on with you andyou're developing emotional
resilience.
The second thing we want totalk about that research shows
helps us in developing emotionalresilience is cultivating
self-compassion, and you know me100% super fan of
(15:49):
self-compassion.
Why?
Because it is one of the mosttransformational things that we
can do in order to have ahealthy relationship with
ourselves and guys, one of themost important things that we
can do to have emotionalresilience is to have a healthy
relationship with ourselves.
An author and spiritual teacherthat I really admire he passed
away recently as Thich Nhat Hanhand he talks about his ability
(16:12):
to come into the present momentand find home within himself.
That when he arrives in thepresent moment with himself, he
says I have arrived home.
And right now I'm reading oneof his books called At Home in
the World, and it's a collectionof stories and teachings from
his life.
But I found that reallyinteresting that he says I have
(16:34):
arrived at home.
When I'm with myself, in thepresent moment, I've arrived
home.
And he talks about I don't haveany place to go, any place to
be, I'm home with me.
And that really got me thinkingabout how few of us really feel
like we're at home withourselves.
We don't feel comfortable inour own skin.
And why is that?
(16:55):
Well, because we're probably inthere judging ourselves,
criticizing ourselves, beatingourselves up, and when we're in
that mode, no way we're going tofeel at home with ourselves,
and that's why we distractourselves so much.
We're actually distractingourselves from ourselves, the
way that we talk to ourselves,the way that we feel about
ourselves.
And one of the key things thatcan help us feel at home is
practicing self-compassion.
(17:16):
Why?
Because when we'recompassionate with ourselves, we
start to end the war inside ofourselves.
You know, we're in therebeating ourselves up, we're in
there judging ourselves forjudging ourselves.
We're trying to heal the voiceof an inner critic with the
voice of another inner critic.
And what self-compassion can dois it can actually relax our
nervous system.
(17:37):
It can help get us out of fight, flight, freeze and fawn mode,
because we begin to end the wartowards ourselves, with
ourselves, and we begin to finda place of home in ourselves
where we can relax, we can be atease and we can give ourselves
space to just be.
And the ability to just be isabsolutely key in our ability to
(18:00):
develop emotional resilience,because if we're constantly
wired up, we're spending all ofour emotional resilience.
We're constantly in a state oftrying to control our emotions,
we're trying to constantly dealwith the way that we feel about
ourselves, and that's going tofatigue us, it's going to burn
us out emotionally.
We've got no resilience left,and so we need times of rest.
(18:22):
We need times of recovery inorder to have emotional
resilience, and one of the waysthat we can do that is
developing a place of homewithin ourselves, and a key to
that is practicingself-compassion.
Now Dr Kristen Neff, one of myfavorite researchers on
self-compassion, talks about howself-compassion actually
enhances emotional resilience byreducing these feelings of
(18:44):
shame and self-criticism.
Now, in this episode, I justwant to give a few quick tips on
how to practice self-compassionNow.
I've done previous episodes onthis, so you can go back and
listen to those if you need to.
I just want to give a few tipsright now to help you, and
number one is self-kindness.
When you can treat yourselfwith kindness, it will help.
(19:05):
You have compassion towardsyourself, and so I want to
encourage you to treat yourselfthe way that you would treat
anybody else who is goingthrough what you're going
through.
So take a moment and call amoment where you're with a
friend who is going through adifficult situation.
Maybe they're going through abreakup, maybe they lost their
job or a loved one, or they hadfailed on something, or they're
(19:26):
beating themselves up, feelingreally bad about themselves.
How did you approach them inthat moment?
Did you beat them up?
Did you tell them that theywere a loser?
Did you say you deserve to loseyour job, you're no good at
your job and you'll never findanother job?
Probably didn't do that, didyou?
You encouraged them, you heldspace for them, you probably
(19:46):
pointed out their good points,etc.
So try practicing that withyourself.
And now.
I know that might feel awkward,I know you may not feel like
you're worthy of that compassion, but I want to tell you you are
.
You're absolutely worthy ofyour own love and your own
compassion.
And begin to treat yourself asyour own best friend.
How would you speak to a friendwho is going through that
(20:08):
situation?
And if you have all thesefeelings and emotions arising as
to why you can't give that toyourself, allow yourself the
permission to set those asidefor a moment and then begin to
express toward yourself the samekindness that you would give to
somebody else.
Now the second thing that canhelp you in practicing
self-compassion is realizingyour common humanity.
A lot of what you'reexperiencing, most of what
(20:31):
you're experiencing, is a partof being human.
Now, I don't say that todiminish what you're going
through.
I share that.
To say that you're not alone,that you're not uniquely broken.
You know, a lot of times wefeel like we can't have
compassion towards ourselvesbecause we think we're the only
one going through it.
We think that we've screwed upmore than anybody else.
(20:52):
I just want to encourage youthat, yes, while you are unique
and your story is unique, thefact that you're having
struggles is not unique.
Everybody has them.
And, once again, that's not todiminish what you're going
through.
It's just to hopefully give yousome space to see that you're
not uniquely broken, that whatyou're experiencing is a part of
(21:16):
being human.
And the research shows thatwhen we can connect with our
common humanity, with our sharedstruggle, it can help open up
compassion towards ourselves.
It can also help us developthat resilience, because we know
we're not going through italone.
Okay now the next thing thatresearch shows can really help
us is to engage in mindfulnesspractices and you know me, I'm a
(21:40):
huge fan of mindfulnesspractices.
Why Super transformative in myjourney.
It's one of the key things thathelped me get comfortable being
in my own presence, to explorewhat was going on inside of me,
to learn how to love myself.
I often say sit with yourselfin stillness and silence until
you can sit with yourself instillness and silence.
(22:01):
So what is mindfulness instillness and silence?
So what is mindfulness?
Real, quick Mindfulness isabout being present in the
moment and observing what'sgoing on inside of you, what's
going on around you, and doingall of that without judgment.
Just let it be, observe it,don't label it, don't judge it,
(22:21):
just be with it.
And for me, I've really beendiving even more deeply into
mindfulness recently and beingpresent, practicing my mindful
walks, times of meditation andjust allowing myself to be in
the moment, not ruminating aboutthe past, not fearing the
future, and just living in thismoment.
(22:42):
I'm realizing more and more howlittle permission I've given
myself over the years to enjoymy life.
A lot of my life was spent intrying to make a living instead
of living.
A lot of my life was spent intrying to prove myself instead
of allowing myself to be, andhow much of my life I missed out
on as a result of not being inthe present moment.
(23:06):
So I want to invite you to findways to be present, to be here
now, in this moment, to giveyourself permission to
experience your life, to liveyour life, to see all of the
beauty that surrounds you, andto not get so busy living that
you're not actually living, tonot get so wrapped up in the
(23:28):
doing of life that you forgetthat life is about being,
because, remember, we're on arock, flying through the
universe, spinning in circles,and we recently took a trip
around the sun.
Again, we're going through whatseems to be a never-ending
universe that continues toexpand, and we're in all of this
beauty and you know what?
(23:50):
We're going to miss it if wekeep our heads down in all the
problems and everything that'sgoing on.
And I know those things arereal, believe me, I know the
worries are real, I know theregrets are real, but this
present moment is more real thanall of that.
So how does that help us buildemotional resilience?
Because it helps us experiencea deeper level of gratitude
(24:13):
about what's going on around us.
It allows us to be out of thepast and the rumination and the
regrets, and it allows us topractice being out of the future
and the worries and thecatastrophizing that happens
when we think about that, and itbrings us into this moment
where we can be aware of what'sgoing on inside of us, where we
(24:33):
can observe our inner world.
And we're never gonna be ableto do that if we don't take the
moment to practice mindfulness,to be here now.
Dr Jon Kabat-Zinn'smindfulness-based stress
reduction program has shown overand over that mindfulness
significantly reduces emotionalreactivity and increases
(24:56):
resilience.
Why?
For all the reasons I'vealready mentioned.
And it also allows us to relax,gives our nervous system a
break, allows our emotionalsystem to reset some and is
actually exercising thatemotional muscle to be here in
the moment and to let go of allthe regrets of the past and the
(25:17):
emotions that come with that andall of the fears of the future,
as I've already mentioned, andgrounds us in where we're at
right now.
And I got to tell you thatalone is a lot of work and that
alone is really working thatmuscle of emotional resilience.
Now the next thing thatresearch shows us can really
help us build our emotionalresilience is having a
(25:37):
supportive network.
Relationships absolutely play avery key role in resilience.
Why is that?
Because those relationships canact as what I call an emotional
spotter.
What do I mean by that?
You know, my wife and I we liketo go to the gym, and one of
the things that we do is get onthe bench press.
(25:58):
And one of the things that'simportant about the bench press
especially when you're trying topush yourself to levels that
you haven't gone to before andyou're putting extra weight on
the bar and you're reallypushing yourself it's very
important to have a spotter.
Now, what does a spotter do?
For those of you who are notfamiliar with that, well, they
help you in those moments whenyou're really struggling to push
(26:20):
that weight up.
Okay, you're doing those reps.
Then, all of a sudden, you'regetting to that point of failure
and you need just a little bitof help or sometimes some
significant help to get that barback up so that you can rack
the weight and be safe.
Now, the key thing about aspotter is to not do all the
work for the person.
Right, that person needs to dothose reps, they need to push
(26:41):
themselves, but what the spotterdoes is helps in those moments
where the person can't do it ontheir own, and a network of
supportive relationships.
It does exactly that.
We all have those momentsemotionally where we just need
some help.
We can't handle it on our own,and that's okay.
That's not failure, okay,that's humanity.
We all need relationships thatcan help us get through those
(27:04):
times where we feel like wecan't do it on our own.
We all need emotional spotters.
We all need those people whocan talk to us, who can
encourage us, who can get us upover that hump, who can get us
through the breakup, through thelost job or the lost loved one
or whatever is going on.
We need people who can sayyou've got this, I believe in
you, I'm here for you, who canwalk us through something, who
(27:28):
can just sit with us.
Those are our emotionalspotters in life.
It's okay to have them, it'sokay to need them and it's a key
part of building emotionalresilience.
So, whether it's a trustedfriend, coach or support group,
having someone to talk to canmake all the difference in the
world.
So give yourself permission toseek out the relationships that
(27:51):
can help you build the emotionalresilience that you need.
As we continue on, I just wantto take a moment and talk to
those of us who have a historyof trauma Building emotional
resilience, for you might feel alittle bit more challenging,
and that's okay.
And why is that?
Well, it's because traumaimpacts our ability to regulate
emotionally, as we talked aboutin the last episode.
(28:11):
It makes us more reactive andit has all of these biological
effects on us.
It can have a tendency to causeus to be more withdrawn and
less trusting of relationships,and the challenge with that
right is that, if the researchshows that supportive networks
is really important for us, howdo we build those supportive
networks if we don't trustpeople?
We're in a bit of a dichotomywhen it comes to these things
(28:34):
called relationships, becauseit's people who hurt us, who
cause the pain, who cause thetrauma, and, because of that, a
part of what's going to bringhealing to us is people, safe
relationships, correctiveexperiences, empathy, being met
with love and, yes, self-loveand self-compassion is a huge
(28:55):
part of our healing journey.
But people are also a big partof our healing journey and
connecting with those loving,trusting relationships can be
really difficult for peoplewho've experienced trauma and so
, trying to get into a place ofemotional regulation and being
able to feel safe, to practicethings like emotional awareness,
(29:17):
to be able to give ourselvesself-compassion, to be mindful,
to be in the present moment,because the present moment was a
scary place and wedisassociated from the present
moment, and so being able topractice mindfulness can be a
struggle and the supportivenetwork.
So all of those things fortrauma survivors present some
extra challenges, but I do wantto encourage you that there are
(29:38):
things that you can do that canhelp you feel safe as you start
to practice things likemindfulness and building
supportive networks.
There's trauma-informed therapyand coaching.
There's grounding exercises,there's safe space,
visualization, breath work,somatic therapy.
So there's a number of thingsyou can do, and one of the key
(29:59):
starting points of it is justbecoming aware of the fact that
trauma does have an impact onyour ability to do those things
like mindfulness and emotionalawareness, and that doesn't mean
that there's something wrongwith you, okay, so if you're
really struggling with thosethings, your nervous system is
acting up, you're not feelingsafe work with somebody who can
help create a safe space for youto begin to explore those
(30:21):
things.
Just because you're strugglingto feel safe in those practices
doesn't mean that you can't doit, and it definitely doesn't
mean that there's somethingwrong with you and it's okay to
get the additional support thatyou need to go on that journey.
Well, I hope you enjoyedtoday's episode and, if you did,
I want to encourage you toshare it with somebody who you
think could benefit from it,because if it's helping you,
(30:43):
it's going to help them as well,and you never know the
difference that it can make intheir life.
Now, if you need resources orhelp on your journey, you can
see the show notes in thisepisode or you can visit my
website at jerryhendersonorg.
I've created some downloads andother resources that you can
access there, and you can alsolearn more about my coaching
program.
And finally, I want to remindyou, as always, that you are
(31:06):
worthy of your own love.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com