January 20, 2025 • 26 mins
In this episode of the Permission to Love Podcast, we continue the Resilient by Design series, focusing on three essential cognitive tools to help you build resilience, reframe stress, and create a healthier relationship with yourself.
Stress can often feel overwhelming, but in this episode we look at the research-backed strategies that demonstrate how reframing stress and shifting our mindset can unlock personal growth and empowerment.
You will learn how to:
- Use the ABC model (Activating Event, Belief, Consequence) to identify and transform stress triggers.
- Develop a growth mindset through small, achievable goals and consistent celebration of progress.
- Rewire outdated schemas and limiting beliefs with positive self-talk to build confidence and resilience.
This episode is packed with actionable insights, stories, and research-based techniques to help you stop surviving and start thriving.
Key Takeaways:
- Reframing Stress:
- Stress is not inherently bad; how we interpret it determines its impact.
- Research by Lazarus and Folkman shows that appraising stress as a challenge (rather than a threat) leads to motivation and empowerment.
- The ABC model: Identify the Activating Event, the Belief about the event, and the Consequence. Shift the belief to change the outcome.
- The Growth Mindset:
- A fixed mindset limits potential, while a growth mindset encourages adaptability and learning.
- Incremental goals and small wins build momentum.
- Celebrating progress rewires the brain for optimism and resilience.
- Positive Self-Talk:
- Inner dialogue shapes how we view ourselves and the world.
- Negative schemas, rooted in past experiences, can trap us in outdated narratives.
- Neuroscience shows positive self-talk strengthens neural pathways linked to optimism and resilience.
- Actionable Challenge:
- Pick one cognitive tool—reframing stress, developing a growth mindset, or practicing positive self-talk—and commit to using it this week.
Chapters:
00:00 Introduction: Stress, anxiety, and avoidance
02:45 The power of reframing stress
04:19 The ABC model: Understanding activating events, beliefs, and consequences
07:11 Developing a growth mindset: Tips and tools
08:57 The importance of reframing stress and embracing challenges
10:44 Setting incremental goals and celebrating small wins
13:55 The imp
I am grateful you are here,
Jerry
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jerry Henderson (00:00):
Let me ask you a question.
Do you feel like stress keepsyou stuck in a cycle of anxiety
and avoidance?
Are you constantlyprocrastinating because you feel
overwhelmed with the thought ofengaging in the things that you
need to do?
Well, what if I told you thatthe key to breaking free from
this cycle isn't abouteliminating the stress, but
(00:21):
learning how to work with it.
Welcome to the Permission toLove podcast, where we discuss
how you can have a healthierrelationship with yourself by
giving yourself the permissionto love yourself.
I'm your host, jerry Henderson,and today we're continuing our
series on Resilient by Design,and in this episode, we're
(00:42):
diving into how to reframestress, how to embrace a growth
mindset and how to rewrite thenarrative that's holding you
back.
And today it's my desire tohelp you see how cognitive tools
can help you not just survive,but actually thrive.
Now, if you've not had a chanceyet to subscribe or to follow
(01:03):
this podcast, I want toencourage you to take a moment
to do that.
You know, the research showsthat 50% of people who listen to
podcasts and consume thecontent of those podcasts never
actually follow or subscribe tothe podcast, and one of the
challenges with this is, ifyou're not following a podcast,
you don't get the updates onwhen new episodes come out, and
(01:24):
one of the things about gettingnotified when a podcast episode
comes out is it keeps youconsistent with the content of
that podcast, and the researchshows that one of the key parts
of change is consistency.
So if this podcast is helpingyou on your journey of growth
and you want to be consistentabout that, take a moment to hit
(01:44):
that follow or subscribe buttonon whatever platform that
you're listening to the podcaston.
So I want you to take a momentand I want you to imagine
walking into a stressfulsituation.
So, whether it's a bigpresentation, a tough
conversation or even startingsomething new, I want you to
imagine, instead of going intothat with all that anxiety, all
(02:06):
of that stress, your bloodpressure going up, the heart
racing or whatever it is, orsimply avoiding it, I want you
to think about, instead of allof that happening, what would it
look like to feel grounded,confident and ready to engage?
Well, that's exactly what we'regoing to be exploring today how
(02:26):
can you use cognitive tools,the power of your mind and
reframing to help you build moreresilience, to help you see
those things that were once sostressful that you wanted to
avoid as things that you havethe tools and the capacity to
tackle and be successful at thetools and the capacity to tackle
and be successful at.
Okay, so let's get started.
And let's start by talking aboutthe power of reframing stress,
(02:50):
because the research is veryclear on this.
It's not as much about thestress that we're facing, but
it's how we're seeing the stress, how we frame it.
Are we framing it as somethingnegative and bad, or are we
seeing it as an opportunity forgrowth and expansion?
Now, have you ever askedyourself or wondered, why do
some people crumble under stresswhile other people rise to the
(03:13):
occasion?
Well, the research shows that abig part of it lies in how we
interpret the stress that we'reexperiencing.
So what is reframing stress?
Well, it's about shifting ourperception.
Research by Lazarus and Folkmanshows that how we appraise a
situation whether we appraise itas a threat or as a challenge,
a challenge to be engaged withwill determine our emotional
(03:37):
response and the actions that wetake.
So, to break it down a littlebit when we start to see things
as a threat or we get intothreat appraisal mode, that's
going to lead to feelings ofhelplessness and avoidance.
On the other hand, when westart to see things as a
challenge or a challenge to beaccepted, not something that's
(03:58):
impossible or a threat, butsimply something that we can
engage with, that challengeappraisal actually will create a
sense of motivation andempowerment.
And one of the key tools thatyou can use and I'll often use
with clients to move from thatthreat appraisal to the
challenge appraisal mode isAlbert Ellis' ABC model.
(04:19):
So what is the ABC model?
Well, the A stands for theactivating event.
What's the thing that isshowing up, that's triggering
the stress?
The B of the ABC model standsfor the belief that you have.
So, for example, if publicspeaking is a big stressor for
you, your belief might be if Imess up, everyone will think I'm
(04:41):
a failure.
Or if I mess up, everybody'sgoing to think I'm stupid and
that I don't know what I'mtalking about, or I'm
incompetent, whatever thatbelief is.
And then the next step of theABC model is the C, or the
consequence.
What might be the consequencein the example of public
speaking?
Well, you might get paralyzinganxiety, you might have a panic
(05:02):
attack.
So in the ABC model, we have theA, the activating event, we
have the B, or the belief.
And then we have the C, whichis the consequence.
Now, when many people hear this, they think well, the
consequence is related to theactivating event.
We had the event and because ofthat event I'm experiencing
these consequences.
But according to Albert Ellis,who is a prominent psychologist
(05:26):
and psychotherapist who actuallyfounded the rational emotive
behavior therapy model, the ABCmodel isn't so much about the
activating event, it's about thebelief.
The ABC model shows us that itis actually the belief that's
causing the consequence, not theevent.
(05:47):
So in this example, justbecause you have to give a
speech or a presentation is notthe thing that's going to
activate the anxiety.
It's the belief about themeaning that you've assigned to
what's going to happen if youmess up.
It's then going to send yoursystem into a bit of a spiral
that's going to raise that bloodpressure, that's going to get
(06:09):
that heart going and it's goingto cause all of the things that
are a result of the actualbelief.
Now here's the key and here's apart of what we're talking about
today is that our beliefs canbe changed.
We can use cognitive tools, wecan use cognitive reframing to
change the beliefs that we have.
(06:29):
And when we have differentbeliefs, guess what's going to
happen.
We're going to have differentconsequences in our life, and I
want to note that consequencesare not always bad.
When we think about the wordconsequence, we think that it's
something bad.
Consequences can be very good.
For example, if you crush thepresentation, the consequence is
going to be positive.
(06:50):
Feedback might mean moreresponsibility, might open doors
for you to do otherpresentations, which might set
your career path on a wholedifferent trajectory.
So consequences can be negativeor they can be positive.
Now, another cognitive toolthat we can use to build
resilience is developing agrowth mindset.
(07:11):
I've done some previous episodeson this topic, so I'm not going
to do a deep dive in this one,and if you're curious about
learning more about a growthmindset, you can go back and
listen to some of those episodesor you can pick up Carol
Dweck's book on growth mindset.
So let me ask you anotherquestion what if failure wasn't
the end but the beginning ofgrowth?
(07:33):
So let me ask that again whatif your failure the failure of a
marriage, the failure of arelationship, the failure at a
career, the failure to changesome of the behaviors that
you're wanting to change what ifthat wasn't the end of the
story, but it's just thebeginning of your growth journey
(07:58):
, and that shift in the way thatyou look at failure and the
opportunity to grow is the keyto having a growth mindset.
And that's the power that agrowth mindset can have to help
us get unstuck and to help uscreate the life that we really
want to live Now.
(08:19):
Dr Carol Dweck, who I justmentioned, her groundbreaking
research in this area shows thatpeople with a growth mindset,
those who believe that they canimprove their life through
effort, that their intelligenceisn't fixed, that they can learn
how to grow, how to developthemselves, those individuals
are better equipped to handlechallenges.
(08:41):
And why is that?
Well, it goes back to what wetalked about in the beginning of
this episode that how we seestress is more important than
the stress itself.
That's a key thing.
If you don't take anything elseaway from this episode, I want
you to take that away.
How you frame stress, how yousee it, is more important than
(09:02):
the stressful event itself.
When you see stress, do youthink it's bad?
Do you think you don't have thecapacity to deal with it?
Do you start to avoid it?
See, all of that is going tocause the stressful event to be
more stressful, have a greaterimpact in your life, but, on the
other hand, if you start toreframe it, not see it as
(09:24):
negative, see it as somethingthat's a challenge, something
that you have the skills toovercome, and, if you don't have
those skills at the moment,that you can have a mindset that
you can learn those skills sothat you can overcome those
stressors.
And then that empowers you tostop avoiding the stress or
procrastinate dealing with allthe things that make you feel
(09:44):
stressful and will actually giveyou the energy to approach it.
And all of that comes from howwe see stress, and having a
growth mindset is an essentialpart of reframing those
stressors.
Do we see them as things thatare going to derail us?
Do we see the fact that we'reexperiencing stressful events as
(10:06):
a failure or do we see them asa challenge and an opportunity
to grow?
Now, if you struggle withhaving a growth mindset and you
feel like you have more of afixed mindset, here's a couple
of tips that I want to give youas a part of developing that
growth mindset.
Once again, if you need more,you can grab her book or you can
listen to some of the episodesI've done on this.
But number one, I want toencourage you to start with
(10:29):
reframing failure.
See it as feedback, not averdict.
Okay, number two setincremental goals.
Small wins build momentum.
When we set goals that are toohigh and we know they're too
high and we're going to sabotageourselves, what we're actually
(10:50):
doing in that is setting up asituation where we can reinforce
our beliefs about ourselvesthat we aren't the type of
people who can change that.
We're not the type of peoplewho can meet our goals.
That's what's going on when weovercommit to goals and set too
high of a bar that we knowsubconsciously that we can't
reach.
So, instead of that, set microgoals.
(11:13):
Does that mean I can't have abig vision for my life?
No, not at all.
Set the grandest vision foryour life that you want, but
what's going to have to happenis you're going to have to work
backwards from that vision andbreak it down into micro goals
that are achievable, that stackand build towards the life that
(11:34):
you want.
I always encourage people incoaching 1%, 2%, 3% progress is
better than no progress at all.
You see, what happens is peopleoften set these goals, they get
fatigued, they get frustratedand then they bail out on them
and they're not really makingprogress.
They're actually makingbackwards progress because
(11:55):
they're reinforcing in theirnervous system that they can't
accomplish their goals.
And so if you take a differentapproach and say, what if I just
got 1% better each week at thething that I'm trying to
accomplish?
Just 1%?
Well, at the end of 52 weeks,guess what just happened?
You got 52% better.
(12:16):
Now, I know I'm just playingwith math here and it doesn't
always add up that way, but Ijust want to help you frame it
in that mindset, because forsome people, they look at small
incremental wins not as wins,because they're not thinking
about change over time.
And that's the important thingto think about.
You're working on long-termchange that is sustainable.
(12:41):
Now the third thing that canhelp you in a growth mindset is
to celebrate your effort.
Shift your focus from trying toget everything perfect to
progress.
Celebrate the 1% progress,celebrate the smallest of wins,
why, as I've shared before,you're rewiring your brain and
(13:02):
you do a really good job atbeating yourself up when you
don't do something.
And what is that doing?
That's reinforcing the avoidantside of your brain which is
saying, hey, I don't want toeven try, because when I try and
I don't do it, I get an asswhooping from myself.
No, we don't want that anymore.
We want to shift towards.
You know what, when I make anyprogress, I'm celebrating it,
(13:26):
and that celebration isembedding it into your nervous
system.
You're building a healthierrelationship with yourself.
You're becoming your champion,and when you do that, everything
starts to change.
You'll actually have moreenergy to pursue the things that
you want to do, because you'regiving yourself the energy of
(13:47):
positive feedback, positivereinforcement, and that's going
to help motivate you towardsaccomplishing the things that
you want to accomplish.
You know, as a small example ofthis, not too long ago, a client
I was working with I'll callher Lisa believed that she was
just bad at fitness.
She's never going to be able toget in shape.
Well, we worked on that beliefsystem that she was bad at
(14:10):
fitness and we started to workon reframing her approach and
instead of focusing in on, likethe end goal that I've got to
get good at fitness and I've gotto look a certain way and I've
got to feel a certain way, thoseare all really good things to
hold as a vision but she keptderailing herself from her
vision because she held a corebelief.
(14:31):
I'm just bad at fitness.
I'm not one of those likefitness people.
Well, what we started to do andwhat we started to build for
her was a celebration processwhere we celebrated the small
victories, like walking fiveextra minutes each day.
Okay, doesn't seem like a lot inthe beginning, doesn't seem
celebration worthy, but whathappened is, over time, she
(14:56):
stopped labeling herself andthen started identifying herself
as someone who is capable ofgrowth.
And why was that?
Because she saw the growth.
She saw herself expanding andgrowing from a 10-minute walk to
a 15-minute walk, and it wasn'tlong until that walk then
started turning into a run.
(15:16):
And then it wasn't long towhere she started to meet the
goals that she had.
But what had to happen was,instead of her shaming herself
for when she missed a day orthat she wasn't doing it right
and she just wasn't good at it,she had to be able to see that
she was capable of growth.
And the way that she saw thatshe was capable of growth was
(15:37):
she was growing.
From 10 minutes to 15 minutesthat's growth.
From 15 minutes to 30 minutesthat's growth.
But if we don't see it, wedon't celebrate it.
We're going to start avoidingpursuing our goals because we
have no positive reinforcementto go after them, and
celebration, as I mentioned,activates our reward system that
(15:59):
causes us to approach thethings that we want to do in our
life.
All of this is about reframingbeliefs.
All of this is about usingcognitive tools to see our
challenges differently, and theway that we see our challenges
is going to absolutely determinehow we approach our challenges.
Another tool that I want totalk about is rewriting the
(16:22):
story that you're tellingyourself by using positive,
loving self-talk.
Our inner dialogue is one ofthe most important things that
shapes how we see ourselves, howwe see others and how we see
the world.
But what happens when thatdialogue that's going on in our
mind is rooted in outdated,negative schemas?
(16:45):
What's a schema?
Well, schemas are mentalframeworks influenced by our
past experiences, and while theycan guide us, they can serve us
and our brain uses them to helpwith efficiency.
The challenge is they can alsotrap us.
These schemas based off of ourpast experiences that are stored
in our memory become our beliefsystems.
(17:08):
They become that tape that's onautoplay running in the
background.
So, for example, if you've hadnegative experiences in your
past where you've felt rejectedor you've experienced trauma and
you've developed a schema or away of thinking that sees
yourself as I'm not good enough.
That is then going to frame howyou see any challenge that
(17:32):
shows up in your life, how yousee stress, how you see
opportunities.
Because that narrative or thatschema is running in the
background that says I'm notgood enough, I'm not good enough
to handle this stress, I'm notgood enough to be in this
relationship, I'm not goodenough to have this career.
And the research shows that oneof the most powerful ways that
we can start reframing thatschema is to turn it into
(17:56):
something powerful, to move itaway from this absolute black
and white narrative of I'm notgood enough to something that is
more empowering.
And I want to let you know Iwant you to hear me on this you
have the capacity, the abilityand the strength to do this.
You can reframe that old,outdated belief system that at
(18:20):
one point was serving you, butnow it's no longer serving you.
You can change it, and where westart is by reframing it into
something that we actually wantto believe about ourselves.
So, for example, instead ofsaying I'm not good enough,
start to repeat a mantra or aphrase like I'm learning and I'm
(18:40):
growing every day.
Or another phrase is I'mlovable just as I am.
Now it's important to understandthat there's some what I call
bridge mantras.
So if you're saying somethinglike I'm lovable just as I am
and that's fully bouncing off ofyour nervous system, using
(19:02):
something like I'm learning andgrowing every day puts the focus
in on I'm making progress, I'mbeginning to advance, I'm
growing, and you're putting yourattention on what you're doing
and the progress that you'remaking, which then can allow you
to bridge to that feeling orthat belief that I am worthy of
(19:25):
love just as I am.
And one of the keys to positiveself-talk mantra or affirmation
whatever your word is that youwant to use is that we need to
repeat it until it starts tofeel natural.
And, as I've shared before,that can take months.
I mean, I've told you beforethat one of the things that I
was working on took me sixmonths before I actually felt it
(19:48):
shift.
And why did I stay at it for sixmonths?
Why did I have that persistence?
Well, because I realized thatin six months from now, I could
be carrying the belief that Iwas unlovable, or I could have
made 1% to 2% to 3% progresstowards believing that I was
lovable just as I am, and I waswilling to believe that it was a
(20:10):
better future for me that insix months, I was 1% better at
believing that I was worthy oflove than to continue in a state
where I felt like I wasn'tworthy of love.
So let me ask you a questionhow long do you stay at it?
Well, it depends on how do youwant to feel in six months from
now.
Do you want to keep doingexactly what you're doing and
(20:31):
getting the exact same results,or do you want to take a chance
that in six months from now, youmight be 5% better, 20% better,
60% better at how you seeyourself, what you believe about
yourself?
Okay, so when you think about itthat way, it starts to even
reframe the reframing process.
So, as an exercise, find one ofthose negative schemas that you
(20:56):
have, one of those negativebeliefs that are outdated, that
aren't serving you anymore, andstart writing down a phrase or a
word that you want to use tohelp rewire that schema into a
positive schema that can serveyou.
Listen, there's negative andthere's positive schemas.
(21:16):
You want positive ones that getembedded into your system and
become a part of your nature,just like that old belief system
feels like a part of yournature, which it's not, because
that's not your nature, that'snot who you are, even though it
feels natural to you.
Your true nature is worthy, islove and deserves the work from
(21:40):
yourself towards yourself tobegin to move into who you
actually are.
Now the research in this area,around how we make these
cognitive behavioral changes, isreally powerful.
It shows that positiveself-talk can actually rewire
your brain by strengtheningneural pathways associated with
(22:03):
optimism and resilience.
It's activating a whole systemof networks in your brain.
So it's not just feel-goodadvice.
Okay, guys, it's actuallybacked by neuroscience.
It's proven methodology.
You can rewire your brain bythe way that you talk to
yourself.
So let's put all of thistogether today.
(22:24):
Today, we looked at three reallypowerful cognitive tools that
you can use to help build yourresilience.
And remember, a big part ofbuilding resilience is how you
see the challenges that you faceand to help you with that
reframing process that you faceand to help you with that
reframing process.
(22:45):
In today's episode, as a quickreview, we talked about
reframing stress using the ABCmodel embracing a growth mindset
by setting small, achievablegoals and celebrating them, and
then, finally, we talked aboutrewiring our limiting beliefs or
those schemas by usingscience-based and backed
positive self-talk.
(23:06):
So here's my challenge for youthis week pick one of these
tools, just one, and start toput it into action.
So, whether it's reframing astressful event when it pops up
and allowing yourself to see ita little bit different, or
whether it's rewiring a limitingbelief by writing that thing
out and then beginning to askyourself what would be a more
(23:29):
positive belief, what would be amore positive schema that would
serve you, or if it's takingsteps towards a growth mindset
by listening to the previousepisodes on this or picking up
that book on mindset by Dr CarolDweck.
So, whatever it is, take thatone step towards building your
overall resilience by usingthese cognitive tools.
(23:50):
And remember, as a part of thisseries, I just want to remind
you that resilience is not aboutavoiding challenges.
Okay, you cannot become moreresilient without challenges.
It's how we face thosechallenges that causes us to
develop resilience, and thenthat resilience is going to give
us a greater level of capacityto handle future challenges.
(24:13):
So this is about navigatingchallenges and doing it with
strength and adaptability, andreframing how we see them and
then beginning to access thepositive emotions that allow us
to get through them in a waythat's more life-giving, it's
going to improve your overallwell-being, it's going to
improve your relationship withyourself, it's going to improve
(24:35):
your relationships with otherpeople and it's going to
increase your self-esteem, theway that you feel about yourself
.
And so, guys, this is importantwork for each one of us to do,
so give yourself the gift ofdiving into using one of these
tools this week and seeing whatit does to help change your life
.
Now, if you need help on thatjourney, I'm going to remind you
(24:57):
, as I always do, about myone-on-one coaching program.
And why do I remind you aboutthat?
Because I believe in coaching.
I believe in the power ofhaving somebody to support you
on the journey.
I have my own coach and I havemy own therapist.
I have both, and they servedifferent roles in my life, and
so if you need help and support,please get the support that you
(25:20):
need.
And the research is clear onthis that individuals who work
with coaches see improvement onachieving and sustaining the
outcomes and the changes thatthey wanna make in their life.
So if you'd like to learn moreabout my coaching program and
working together.
Simply see the show notes inthis episode, or you can go to
my website at jerryhendersonorg.
I'm looking forward to hearingfrom you.
(25:42):
Now.
If you found this episode to behelpful, I want to ask you a
favor Share it with somebody whoyou know could benefit from
this episode, because if it'smaking a difference in your life
, guess what?
It's going to make a differencein somebody else's life as well
.
You see, we often think aboutour own journey and what's
helping us, but here's the truththe person that's in your
(26:04):
sphere or your network.
They're also struggling.
So I want to encourage you takea moment, share this episode
with somebody who you thinkcould really benefit from it.
And finally, I want to remindyou, as always, that you are
worthy of your own love.
Let me ask you a question.
Do you feel like stress keepsyou stuck in a cycle of anxiety
and avoidance?
Are you constantlyprocrastinating because you feel
overwhelmed with the thought ofengaging in the things that you
need to do?
Well, what if I told you thatthe key to breaking free from
this cycle isn't abouteliminating the stress, but
(00:21):
learning how to work with it.
Welcome to the Permission toLove podcast, where we discuss
how you can have a healthierrelationship with yourself by
giving yourself the permissionto love yourself.
I'm your host, jerry Henderson,and today we're continuing our
series on Resilient by Design,and in this episode, we're
(00:42):
diving into how to reframestress, how to embrace a growth
mindset and how to rewrite thenarrative that's holding you
back.
And today it's my desire tohelp you see how cognitive tools
can help you not just survive,but actually thrive.
Now, if you've not had a chanceyet to subscribe or to follow
(01:03):
this podcast, I want toencourage you to take a moment
to do that.
You know, the research showsthat 50% of people who listen to
podcasts and consume thecontent of those podcasts never
actually follow or subscribe tothe podcast, and one of the
challenges with this is, ifyou're not following a podcast,
you don't get the updates onwhen new episodes come out, and
(01:24):
one of the things about gettingnotified when a podcast episode
comes out is it keeps youconsistent with the content of
that podcast, and the researchshows that one of the key parts
of change is consistency.
So if this podcast is helpingyou on your journey of growth
and you want to be consistentabout that, take a moment to hit
(01:44):
that follow or subscribe buttonon whatever platform that
you're listening to the podcaston.
So I want you to take a momentand I want you to imagine
walking into a stressfulsituation.
So, whether it's a bigpresentation, a tough
conversation or even startingsomething new, I want you to
imagine, instead of going intothat with all that anxiety, all
(02:06):
of that stress, your bloodpressure going up, the heart
racing or whatever it is, orsimply avoiding it, I want you
to think about, instead of allof that happening, what would it
look like to feel grounded,confident and ready to engage?
Well, that's exactly what we'regoing to be exploring today how
(02:26):
can you use cognitive tools,the power of your mind and
reframing to help you build moreresilience, to help you see
those things that were once sostressful that you wanted to
avoid as things that you havethe tools and the capacity to
tackle and be successful at thetools and the capacity to tackle
and be successful at.
Okay, so let's get started.
And let's start by talking aboutthe power of reframing stress,
(02:50):
because the research is veryclear on this.
It's not as much about thestress that we're facing, but
it's how we're seeing the stress, how we frame it.
Are we framing it as somethingnegative and bad, or are we
seeing it as an opportunity forgrowth and expansion?
Now, have you ever askedyourself or wondered, why do
some people crumble under stresswhile other people rise to the
(03:13):
occasion?
Well, the research shows that abig part of it lies in how we
interpret the stress that we'reexperiencing.
So what is reframing stress?
Well, it's about shifting ourperception.
Research by Lazarus and Folkmanshows that how we appraise a
situation whether we appraise itas a threat or as a challenge,
a challenge to be engaged withwill determine our emotional
(03:37):
response and the actions that wetake.
So, to break it down a littlebit when we start to see things
as a threat or we get intothreat appraisal mode, that's
going to lead to feelings ofhelplessness and avoidance.
On the other hand, when westart to see things as a
challenge or a challenge to beaccepted, not something that's
(03:58):
impossible or a threat, butsimply something that we can
engage with, that challengeappraisal actually will create a
sense of motivation andempowerment.
And one of the key tools thatyou can use and I'll often use
with clients to move from thatthreat appraisal to the
challenge appraisal mode isAlbert Ellis' ABC model.
(04:19):
So what is the ABC model?
Well, the A stands for theactivating event.
What's the thing that isshowing up, that's triggering
the stress?
The B of the ABC model standsfor the belief that you have.
So, for example, if publicspeaking is a big stressor for
you, your belief might be if Imess up, everyone will think I'm
(04:41):
a failure.
Or if I mess up, everybody'sgoing to think I'm stupid and
that I don't know what I'mtalking about, or I'm
incompetent, whatever thatbelief is.
And then the next step of theABC model is the C, or the
consequence.
What might be the consequencein the example of public
speaking?
Well, you might get paralyzinganxiety, you might have a panic
(05:02):
attack.
So in the ABC model, we have theA, the activating event, we
have the B, or the belief.
And then we have the C, whichis the consequence.
Now, when many people hear this, they think well, the
consequence is related to theactivating event.
We had the event and because ofthat event I'm experiencing
these consequences.
But according to Albert Ellis,who is a prominent psychologist
(05:26):
and psychotherapist who actuallyfounded the rational emotive
behavior therapy model, the ABCmodel isn't so much about the
activating event, it's about thebelief.
The ABC model shows us that itis actually the belief that's
causing the consequence, not theevent.
(05:47):
So in this example, justbecause you have to give a
speech or a presentation is notthe thing that's going to
activate the anxiety.
It's the belief about themeaning that you've assigned to
what's going to happen if youmess up.
It's then going to send yoursystem into a bit of a spiral
that's going to raise that bloodpressure, that's going to get
(06:09):
that heart going and it's goingto cause all of the things that
are a result of the actualbelief.
Now here's the key and here's apart of what we're talking about
today is that our beliefs canbe changed.
We can use cognitive tools, wecan use cognitive reframing to
change the beliefs that we have.
(06:29):
And when we have differentbeliefs, guess what's going to
happen.
We're going to have differentconsequences in our life, and I
want to note that consequencesare not always bad.
When we think about the wordconsequence, we think that it's
something bad.
Consequences can be very good.
For example, if you crush thepresentation, the consequence is
going to be positive.
(06:50):
Feedback might mean moreresponsibility, might open doors
for you to do otherpresentations, which might set
your career path on a wholedifferent trajectory.
So consequences can be negativeor they can be positive.
Now, another cognitive toolthat we can use to build
resilience is developing agrowth mindset.
(07:11):
I've done some previous episodeson this topic, so I'm not going
to do a deep dive in this one,and if you're curious about
learning more about a growthmindset, you can go back and
listen to some of those episodesor you can pick up Carol
Dweck's book on growth mindset.
So let me ask you anotherquestion what if failure wasn't
the end but the beginning ofgrowth?
(07:33):
So let me ask that again whatif your failure the failure of a
marriage, the failure of arelationship, the failure at a
career, the failure to changesome of the behaviors that
you're wanting to change what ifthat wasn't the end of the
story, but it's just thebeginning of your growth journey
(07:58):
, and that shift in the way thatyou look at failure and the
opportunity to grow is the keyto having a growth mindset.
And that's the power that agrowth mindset can have to help
us get unstuck and to help uscreate the life that we really
want to live Now.
(08:19):
Dr Carol Dweck, who I justmentioned, her groundbreaking
research in this area shows thatpeople with a growth mindset,
those who believe that they canimprove their life through
effort, that their intelligenceisn't fixed, that they can learn
how to grow, how to developthemselves, those individuals
are better equipped to handlechallenges.
(08:41):
And why is that?
Well, it goes back to what wetalked about in the beginning of
this episode that how we seestress is more important than
the stress itself.
That's a key thing.
If you don't take anything elseaway from this episode, I want
you to take that away.
How you frame stress, how yousee it, is more important than
(09:02):
the stressful event itself.
When you see stress, do youthink it's bad?
Do you think you don't have thecapacity to deal with it?
Do you start to avoid it?
See, all of that is going tocause the stressful event to be
more stressful, have a greaterimpact in your life, but, on the
other hand, if you start toreframe it, not see it as
(09:24):
negative, see it as somethingthat's a challenge, something
that you have the skills toovercome, and, if you don't have
those skills at the moment,that you can have a mindset that
you can learn those skills sothat you can overcome those
stressors.
And then that empowers you tostop avoiding the stress or
procrastinate dealing with allthe things that make you feel
(09:44):
stressful and will actually giveyou the energy to approach it.
And all of that comes from howwe see stress, and having a
growth mindset is an essentialpart of reframing those
stressors.
Do we see them as things thatare going to derail us?
Do we see the fact that we'reexperiencing stressful events as
(10:06):
a failure or do we see them asa challenge and an opportunity
to grow?
Now, if you struggle withhaving a growth mindset and you
feel like you have more of afixed mindset, here's a couple
of tips that I want to give youas a part of developing that
growth mindset.
Once again, if you need more,you can grab her book or you can
listen to some of the episodesI've done on this.
But number one, I want toencourage you to start with
(10:29):
reframing failure.
See it as feedback, not averdict.
Okay, number two setincremental goals.
Small wins build momentum.
When we set goals that are toohigh and we know they're too
high and we're going to sabotageourselves, what we're actually
(10:50):
doing in that is setting up asituation where we can reinforce
our beliefs about ourselvesthat we aren't the type of
people who can change that.
We're not the type of peoplewho can meet our goals.
That's what's going on when weovercommit to goals and set too
high of a bar that we knowsubconsciously that we can't
reach.
So, instead of that, set microgoals.
(11:13):
Does that mean I can't have abig vision for my life?
No, not at all.
Set the grandest vision foryour life that you want, but
what's going to have to happenis you're going to have to work
backwards from that vision andbreak it down into micro goals
that are achievable, that stackand build towards the life that
(11:34):
you want.
I always encourage people incoaching 1%, 2%, 3% progress is
better than no progress at all.
You see, what happens is peopleoften set these goals, they get
fatigued, they get frustratedand then they bail out on them
and they're not really makingprogress.
They're actually makingbackwards progress because
(11:55):
they're reinforcing in theirnervous system that they can't
accomplish their goals.
And so if you take a differentapproach and say, what if I just
got 1% better each week at thething that I'm trying to
accomplish?
Just 1%?
Well, at the end of 52 weeks,guess what just happened?
You got 52% better.
(12:16):
Now, I know I'm just playingwith math here and it doesn't
always add up that way, but Ijust want to help you frame it
in that mindset, because forsome people, they look at small
incremental wins not as wins,because they're not thinking
about change over time.
And that's the important thingto think about.
You're working on long-termchange that is sustainable.
(12:41):
Now the third thing that canhelp you in a growth mindset is
to celebrate your effort.
Shift your focus from trying toget everything perfect to
progress.
Celebrate the 1% progress,celebrate the smallest of wins,
why, as I've shared before,you're rewiring your brain and
(13:02):
you do a really good job atbeating yourself up when you
don't do something.
And what is that doing?
That's reinforcing the avoidantside of your brain which is
saying, hey, I don't want toeven try, because when I try and
I don't do it, I get an asswhooping from myself.
No, we don't want that anymore.
We want to shift towards.
You know what, when I make anyprogress, I'm celebrating it,
(13:26):
and that celebration isembedding it into your nervous
system.
You're building a healthierrelationship with yourself.
You're becoming your champion,and when you do that, everything
starts to change.
You'll actually have moreenergy to pursue the things that
you want to do, because you'regiving yourself the energy of
(13:47):
positive feedback, positivereinforcement, and that's going
to help motivate you towardsaccomplishing the things that
you want to accomplish.
You know, as a small example ofthis, not too long ago, a client
I was working with I'll callher Lisa believed that she was
just bad at fitness.
She's never going to be able toget in shape.
Well, we worked on that beliefsystem that she was bad at
(14:10):
fitness and we started to workon reframing her approach and
instead of focusing in on, likethe end goal that I've got to
get good at fitness and I've gotto look a certain way and I've
got to feel a certain way, thoseare all really good things to
hold as a vision but she keptderailing herself from her
vision because she held a corebelief.
(14:31):
I'm just bad at fitness.
I'm not one of those likefitness people.
Well, what we started to do andwhat we started to build for
her was a celebration processwhere we celebrated the small
victories, like walking fiveextra minutes each day.
Okay, doesn't seem like a lot inthe beginning, doesn't seem
celebration worthy, but whathappened is, over time, she
(14:56):
stopped labeling herself andthen started identifying herself
as someone who is capable ofgrowth.
And why was that?
Because she saw the growth.
She saw herself expanding andgrowing from a 10-minute walk to
a 15-minute walk, and it wasn'tlong until that walk then
started turning into a run.
(15:16):
And then it wasn't long towhere she started to meet the
goals that she had.
But what had to happen was,instead of her shaming herself
for when she missed a day orthat she wasn't doing it right
and she just wasn't good at it,she had to be able to see that
she was capable of growth.
And the way that she saw thatshe was capable of growth was
(15:37):
she was growing.
From 10 minutes to 15 minutesthat's growth.
From 15 minutes to 30 minutesthat's growth.
But if we don't see it, wedon't celebrate it.
We're going to start avoidingpursuing our goals because we
have no positive reinforcementto go after them, and
celebration, as I mentioned,activates our reward system that
(15:59):
causes us to approach thethings that we want to do in our
life.
All of this is about reframingbeliefs.
All of this is about usingcognitive tools to see our
challenges differently, and theway that we see our challenges
is going to absolutely determinehow we approach our challenges.
Another tool that I want totalk about is rewriting the
(16:22):
story that you're tellingyourself by using positive,
loving self-talk.
Our inner dialogue is one ofthe most important things that
shapes how we see ourselves, howwe see others and how we see
the world.
But what happens when thatdialogue that's going on in our
mind is rooted in outdated,negative schemas?
(16:45):
What's a schema?
Well, schemas are mentalframeworks influenced by our
past experiences, and while theycan guide us, they can serve us
and our brain uses them to helpwith efficiency.
The challenge is they can alsotrap us.
These schemas based off of ourpast experiences that are stored
in our memory become our beliefsystems.
(17:08):
They become that tape that's onautoplay running in the
background.
So, for example, if you've hadnegative experiences in your
past where you've felt rejectedor you've experienced trauma and
you've developed a schema or away of thinking that sees
yourself as I'm not good enough.
That is then going to frame howyou see any challenge that
(17:32):
shows up in your life, how yousee stress, how you see
opportunities.
Because that narrative or thatschema is running in the
background that says I'm notgood enough, I'm not good enough
to handle this stress, I'm notgood enough to be in this
relationship, I'm not goodenough to have this career.
And the research shows that oneof the most powerful ways that
we can start reframing thatschema is to turn it into
(17:56):
something powerful, to move itaway from this absolute black
and white narrative of I'm notgood enough to something that is
more empowering.
And I want to let you know Iwant you to hear me on this you
have the capacity, the abilityand the strength to do this.
You can reframe that old,outdated belief system that at
(18:20):
one point was serving you, butnow it's no longer serving you.
You can change it, and where westart is by reframing it into
something that we actually wantto believe about ourselves.
So, for example, instead ofsaying I'm not good enough,
start to repeat a mantra or aphrase like I'm learning and I'm
(18:40):
growing every day.
Or another phrase is I'mlovable just as I am.
Now it's important to understandthat there's some what I call
bridge mantras.
So if you're saying somethinglike I'm lovable just as I am
and that's fully bouncing off ofyour nervous system, using
(19:02):
something like I'm learning andgrowing every day puts the focus
in on I'm making progress, I'mbeginning to advance, I'm
growing, and you're putting yourattention on what you're doing
and the progress that you'remaking, which then can allow you
to bridge to that feeling orthat belief that I am worthy of
(19:25):
love just as I am.
And one of the keys to positiveself-talk mantra or affirmation
whatever your word is that youwant to use is that we need to
repeat it until it starts tofeel natural.
And, as I've shared before,that can take months.
I mean, I've told you beforethat one of the things that I
was working on took me sixmonths before I actually felt it
(19:48):
shift.
And why did I stay at it for sixmonths?
Why did I have that persistence?
Well, because I realized thatin six months from now, I could
be carrying the belief that Iwas unlovable, or I could have
made 1% to 2% to 3% progresstowards believing that I was
lovable just as I am, and I waswilling to believe that it was a
(20:10):
better future for me that insix months, I was 1% better at
believing that I was worthy oflove than to continue in a state
where I felt like I wasn'tworthy of love.
So let me ask you a questionhow long do you stay at it?
Well, it depends on how do youwant to feel in six months from
now.
Do you want to keep doingexactly what you're doing and
(20:31):
getting the exact same results,or do you want to take a chance
that in six months from now, youmight be 5% better, 20% better,
60% better at how you seeyourself, what you believe about
yourself?
Okay, so when you think about itthat way, it starts to even
reframe the reframing process.
So, as an exercise, find one ofthose negative schemas that you
(20:56):
have, one of those negativebeliefs that are outdated, that
aren't serving you anymore, andstart writing down a phrase or a
word that you want to use tohelp rewire that schema into a
positive schema that can serveyou.
Listen, there's negative andthere's positive schemas.
(21:16):
You want positive ones that getembedded into your system and
become a part of your nature,just like that old belief system
feels like a part of yournature, which it's not, because
that's not your nature, that'snot who you are, even though it
feels natural to you.
Your true nature is worthy, islove and deserves the work from
(21:40):
yourself towards yourself tobegin to move into who you
actually are.
Now the research in this area,around how we make these
cognitive behavioral changes, isreally powerful.
It shows that positiveself-talk can actually rewire
your brain by strengtheningneural pathways associated with
(22:03):
optimism and resilience.
It's activating a whole systemof networks in your brain.
So it's not just feel-goodadvice.
Okay, guys, it's actuallybacked by neuroscience.
It's proven methodology.
You can rewire your brain bythe way that you talk to
yourself.
So let's put all of thistogether today.
(22:24):
Today, we looked at three reallypowerful cognitive tools that
you can use to help build yourresilience.
And remember, a big part ofbuilding resilience is how you
see the challenges that you faceand to help you with that
reframing process that you faceand to help you with that
reframing process.
(22:45):
In today's episode, as a quickreview, we talked about
reframing stress using the ABCmodel embracing a growth mindset
by setting small, achievablegoals and celebrating them, and
then, finally, we talked aboutrewiring our limiting beliefs or
those schemas by usingscience-based and backed
positive self-talk.
(23:06):
So here's my challenge for youthis week pick one of these
tools, just one, and start toput it into action.
So, whether it's reframing astressful event when it pops up
and allowing yourself to see ita little bit different, or
whether it's rewiring a limitingbelief by writing that thing
out and then beginning to askyourself what would be a more
(23:29):
positive belief, what would be amore positive schema that would
serve you, or if it's takingsteps towards a growth mindset
by listening to the previousepisodes on this or picking up
that book on mindset by Dr CarolDweck.
So, whatever it is, take thatone step towards building your
overall resilience by usingthese cognitive tools.
(23:50):
And remember, as a part of thisseries, I just want to remind
you that resilience is not aboutavoiding challenges.
Okay, you cannot become moreresilient without challenges.
It's how we face thosechallenges that causes us to
develop resilience, and thenthat resilience is going to give
us a greater level of capacityto handle future challenges.
(24:13):
So this is about navigatingchallenges and doing it with
strength and adaptability, andreframing how we see them and
then beginning to access thepositive emotions that allow us
to get through them in a waythat's more life-giving, it's
going to improve your overallwell-being, it's going to
improve your relationship withyourself, it's going to improve
(24:35):
your relationships with otherpeople and it's going to
increase your self-esteem, theway that you feel about yourself
.
And so, guys, this is importantwork for each one of us to do,
so give yourself the gift ofdiving into using one of these
tools this week and seeing whatit does to help change your life
.
Now, if you need help on thatjourney, I'm going to remind you
(24:57):
, as I always do, about myone-on-one coaching program.
And why do I remind you aboutthat?
Because I believe in coaching.
I believe in the power ofhaving somebody to support you
on the journey.
I have my own coach and I havemy own therapist.
I have both, and they servedifferent roles in my life, and
so if you need help and support,please get the support that you
(25:20):
need.
And the research is clear onthis that individuals who work
with coaches see improvement onachieving and sustaining the
outcomes and the changes thatthey wanna make in their life.
So if you'd like to learn moreabout my coaching program and
working together.
Simply see the show notes inthis episode, or you can go to
my website at jerryhendersonorg.
I'm looking forward to hearingfrom you.
(25:42):
Now.
If you found this episode to behelpful, I want to ask you a
favor Share it with somebody whoyou know could benefit from
this episode, because if it'smaking a difference in your life
, guess what?
It's going to make a differencein somebody else's life as well
.
You see, we often think aboutour own journey and what's
helping us, but here's the truththe person that's in your
(26:04):
sphere or your network.
They're also struggling.
So I want to encourage you takea moment, share this episode
with somebody who you thinkcould really benefit from it.
And finally, I want to remindyou, as always, that you are
worthy of your own love.
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