April 21, 2025 • 36 mins
In this powerful episode, we explore the father wound — what it is, how it forms, and how it continues to shape our relationships, sense of self-worth, and emotional health.
Drawing from personal experience and evidence-based practices, I walk you through key insights and healing strategies, including reparenting, grief work, and authentic forgiveness.
Whether your father was absent, abusive, or emotionally unavailable, this episode offers validation, healing, and a roadmap forward.
What You’ll Learn:
- What the “father wound” is and how it shows up in adulthood
- The emotional and behavioral patterns linked to unhealed father wounds
- Why high achievers often carry hidden wounds from their fathers
- How to begin healing through reparenting, IFS, and grief work
- The difference between forced forgiveness and authentic release
- Why you’re not responsible for repairing an abusive or absent parent relationship
Mentioned in This Episode:
- The new Overcoming Shame group coaching program: LEARN MORE
- 1:1 Coaching Free strategy call: jerryhenderson.org
- “Self-Love: The Root from Which Personal Mastery Grows” (transition episode) LISTEN HERE
If this episode resonates with you:
Share it with someone who might be carrying this silent wound too. And don’t forget — you are worthy of your own love.
Chapters
00:00 – Welcome and Introduction
01:52 – What Is the Father Wound?
03:43 – How the Father Wound Develops
05:00 – Jerry’s Personal Story
09:10 – Introduction to Overcoming Shame Group Coaching Program
12:20 – The Church, Forgiveness, and Misguided Healing
15:59 – It's Not Your Fault
25:38 – Mental Health Patterns Linked to the Father Wound
27:43 – Differences in Men and Women’s Responses
30:04 – How the Father Wound Shows Up in Adult Life
30:59 – Evidence-Based Healing Tools
32:03 – The Power of Reparenting
33:05 – Grief Work and Forgiveness on Your Terms
I am grateful you are here,
Jerry
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Website:
www.jerryhenderson.org
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jerry Henderson (00:01):
Hello everybody and welcome to this episode of
the Permission to Love podcast.
I'm your host, jerry Henderson,and, as always, I am so, so
grateful that you're here Now.
If you're new to this podcast,I just want to give you a few
seconds about myself and aboutthis podcast.
As I said, I'm Jerry Henderson.
I'm the creator of the PersonalMastery Framework.
I'm a master certified coach,author, speaker and host of the
(00:25):
Permission to Love podcast, andI do the work that I do out of
my own personal story and my ownpersonal journey, and so this
podcast is about how can youhave a healthier relationship
with yourself, how can you, as ahigh achiever, learn to create
a life that feels as good on theinside as it looks on the
(00:45):
outside, how can you find truefulfillment, true satisfaction,
meaning and purpose, and to doall of that from a place that is
deeply rooted inself-acceptance and
self-compassion.
So that is what this podcast isabout, and I'm grateful that
you're here Now with all of thatin mind.
I do want to remind you, or tolet you know for the first time,
(01:07):
if you're new here, that thePermission to Love podcast is
going to be changing its nameNow.
The content, the focus, isgoing to continue to be based in
everything that I just sharedand everything that we have been
doing over the last almost twoyears that we have been doing
over the last almost two years.
But starting May 5th, thePermission to Love podcast will
become Personal Mastery withJerry Henderson.
(01:31):
And if you're curious about thename change the why behind it,
you can go listen to the episodetitled Self-Love the Root from
which Personal Mastery Grows.
Now, if you've not yet had achance to subscribe to or to
follow this podcast, I want toencourage you to do that,
because when we change thepodcast title from Permission to
Love to Personal Mastery withJerry Henderson, you're not
(01:53):
going to be able to findPermission to Love if you search
for it.
So it's going to be reallyimportant that, if you want to
continue to get the content fromthis podcast, to take a moment
and hit that subscribe or followbutton.
So, with all of that, let's goahead and dive into today's
episode.
Today, we're going to be talkingabout the father wound.
We're going to talk about whatit is, and then we'll also talk
(02:15):
about how you can begin to healit.
You can heal it, you absolutelycan.
I know it because of my storyand I'll share some of my story
here in just a minute and I'vealso seen many of my clients
come to a place of healing andtransformation in this space.
So I'm excited to share thisepisode with you today because I
(02:37):
believe that it can really helpyou on your journey if you're a
person who's struggling withthe father wound.
So what is the father wound?
Well, the father wound is theemotional and relational injury
that forms when a child'sconnection with their father,
with their dad, is chronicallyunsafe, neglectful or absent.
(03:00):
And while it is not a formaldiagnosis meaning that you would
not find it in the DSM-5, whichis the handbook about mental
health issues you're not goingto find it there.
However, decades of attachmentand trauma, research confirms
its impact the impact of thefather wound on self-esteem,
emotional regulation and adultrelationships.
(03:22):
It's very clear that when wehave a painful relationship with
our fathers, whether it'sbecause they're abusive or
because they're neglectful, orbecause they were absent, or
whatever the story is, it has asignificant impact in our lives.
Well now let's take a momentand let's dive in just a little
bit more on how the father wounddevelops.
(03:43):
Number one physical absence,whether through divorce, death,
incarceration, militarydeployment or work patterns that
can remove a father from dailylife.
That absence of the physicalpresence of a father can leave a
wound.
Research is very clear aboutthis.
(04:03):
The other way that it can formis through emotional absence.
A father may be in the home,yet they're distant, they're
preoccupied or they'reconstantly critical, leaving the
child without connection,without praise, without
encouragement.
There is a lack of emotionalconnection and intimacy.
The other way that it canhappen is through abuse or
(04:26):
harshness, whether it's physicalabuse, mental abuse, emotional
abuse, things like verbalhumiliation, corporal punishment
or unpredictable rage.
Now, another way the fatherwound can form is through what
is known as role modeling gaps.
This is when fathers strugglewith things like addiction or
their own untreated trauma ormental illness, and children
(04:49):
often can internalize the shameand the confusion about this and
they can translate it to theirown identity and their own worth
.
Now, if you've been listening tothis podcast for any amount of
time, you know that I have myown father wound.
I grew up in a very abusivehome, had an alcoholic father.
(05:09):
We grew up in US poverty on thewelfare system and moved around
all over the place because dadwas trying to keep a job, find a
job.
So I wound up attending 17different schools and life was
pretty chaotic for me as a youngperson, and one of the ways
that I tried to cope with allthat chaos was through drugs and
alcohol.
By the age of 14, I was inrehab, and then, after I got out
(05:30):
of rehab, I went right backinto the same patterns.
I had a lot of anger.
I was always getting kicked outof school.
From the sixth grade on, I wasexpelled or suspended from
school every single year untilthe age of 17.
And at the age of 17.
And at the age of 17, somethingvery significant happened in my
life.
I became a Christian.
I joined a church and found alot of healing and hope in that
(05:54):
space.
I also found a lot ofchallenges as well, and one of
the key challenges was that Ibegan to make God in the image
of my Father.
I began to see God not asfilled with grace, not as filled
with love, but a God that Ineeded to figure out how to
please that.
This God was always frustratedwith me, that I could never
(06:15):
quite please that God enough,and so my father wound showed up
in my relationship with God,because I felt like I was always
in trouble with God, alwaysdisappointing God.
No matter how much I prayed, nomatter how much I read in my
Bible, it was never enough and Icarried a deep sense of shame
(06:36):
that had its origins, had itsroot, from the father wound that
I had.
And, the truth be told, thatwasn't the only relationship
that that father wound had animpact on.
It had an impact on everyrelationship in my life For male
figures, authority figures orpeople that I respected.
I was trying to find my fatherin them.
(06:57):
I was hoping that they wouldfather me and heal that wound,
that feeling of not being enough, not feeling accepted, always
feeling rejected.
I was hoping that other mencould help heal that inside of
me.
It never happened.
Now, while I did find some goodmentors who were able to help
me some, it wasn't their job toheal that in my life, and I'll
(07:20):
talk later about what ultimatelybrought healing for me in that
space and continues to providehealing for me in that space of
the father wound that I carriedand still carry to some degree,
but it wasn't their job.
Now, the other relationshipsthat it showed up in was my
romantic relationships, becauseI didn't know how to connect.
I wasn't taught how to buildintimacy, how to build safe
(07:43):
connection, and it was verydifficult for me to feel like I
could be authentic.
Part of that was because Iwasn't taught how to be
authentic.
Part of it was also because Ididn't want to be like my dad,
but I didn't know who I wantedto be.
Right, I didn't have a sense ofclear identity that gets
developed right, that sense ofwho you are and transitioning
(08:04):
from boyhood to manhood.
I didn't have all of thatgrowing up and so I had to
figure it out, and it was clunkyand so big parts of me I hid
because of the fact that I feltshame about who I was.
I felt shame about my story.
I felt shame that I didn't havea father who loved me and
wanted to connect with me andwho would go on to abandon me
(08:26):
and I'll talk about that here injust a second.
But all of that kept me fromconnecting and having intimacy,
and I also carried a sense offear that I would turn into my
dad, and so I was always tryingto manage that internally.
And so this fear of not wantingpeople to see me because I felt
like they would reject me, andthen this fear of feeling like I
(08:46):
had to not become somebody,versus who I needed to become or
who I actually wanted to become.
Hope, all that makes sense, andI'm sure that, as you're
listening to this, if you'vecarried a father wound, you can
relate to what I'm sharing.
I want to take a moment andtalk to you about a new group
coaching program that I've justlaunched.
(09:07):
It's called Overcoming Shame.
Now, if you're a person whostruggles with shame, I want to
let you know you're not alone.
So what is shame?
Shame is that feeling thatthere's something wrong with you
, that you're uniquely broken.
And the challenge with shame isit makes us feel like we're the
only ones dealing with it andwe wind up having shame for
(09:31):
having shame.
And that was exactly my story.
I carried shame that came frommy childhood trauma for over 40
years, but I didn't know what Iwas dealing with.
I didn't even know there was athing called shame.
I just knew that I carried thefeeling that there was something
wrong with me that caused methen to have all of this anxiety
(09:52):
, depression, all this unhealthycoping mechanisms.
I hid myself from othersbecause I didn't want them to
see who I truly was.
So I felt alone and isolatedand then wound up trying to cope
with all of that through somepretty unhealthy coping
mechanisms.
And so if that's you, if you'restruggling with shame and
you're struggling alone in this,I want to let you know you
(10:13):
don't have to struggle aloneanymore, and that's why I've
created a group coaching programcalled Overcoming Shame.
As a part of the program, we'regoing to dive into the science
behind what is shame?
How does it get formed, how canyou disidentify from it, how
can you learn to let go of it,and what does a life look like
(10:36):
on the other side of shame andthroughout it?
We're going to look at theneuroscience, the psychology,
the practical ways that you canovercome shame.
And can I tell you right now,you can overcome shame.
You can move from a place offeeling like there's something
wrong with you, wanting toreject yourself, feeling like
(10:57):
you're never going to be quoteunquote fixed.
You can move from all of thatto a place of true wholeness, of
true self-acceptance and to aplace of true self-compassion
and self-love.
So if you're interested inlearning more about the program,
I want to invite you to go tothe show notes in this episode.
There'll be a link there whereyou can set up a free 15-minute
(11:21):
discovery call where we'llconnect and see if this is the
right fit for you.
I'm intentionally keeping theprogram somewhat small because I
want to make sure that we buildcommunity and connection,
because research shows that'sone of the key ways in order to
overcome shame that we come outof isolation, we come out of
hiding and we get among peoplewho are carrying the same
(11:44):
challenges, and in doing that,it helps us know that we're not
alone, which, once again, is akey part of overcoming shame.
So, once again, if you'reinterested, set up a free
15-minute discovery call with me, and you can do that by either
going to my website atjerryhendersonorg or by simply
seeing the show notes in thisepisode.
(12:06):
I look forward to connectingwith you, learning more about
you and helping you get on apath where, once and for all,
you let go of that feeling thatthere's something wrong with you
.
Now, the other challenge that Ifaced in trying to heal or deal
with this father wound was inthe church.
When I became a Christian, oneof the things that I was
(12:29):
immediately told that I neededto do was to forgive my dad.
Now, while I deeply believe inforgiveness, I believe in
forgiveness in the right time,in the right way, something
that's not forced, somethingthat's authentic.
And when we understandforgiveness that it's not even
about the other person, it'sabout us, and us receiving
(12:50):
healing and us letting go ofthat stored energy that we have
towards the other person.
It totally changes the way thatwe look at forgiveness, and
we'll talk about that in anotherepisode, and I've actually done
some episodes on forgivenessand so if you want to go listen
to those, it might be helpful.
But in this situation with mydad, when I was told that I had
(13:11):
to forgive him because if Iwanted to be forgiven by God, I
had to forgive my dad, if Iwanted to be forgiven by God, I
had to forgive my dad.
Well, the challenge with thatwas it became forced forgiveness
and it became just to show amask that I wore and it didn't
allow me to actually deal withthe father wound.
It was glazed over under thepretense of well, I've just
(13:32):
forgiven the person.
How can you do that?
I mean, let's just be honestabout this.
How can you just flip a switchand say's just be honest about
this?
How can you just flip a switchand say I'm going to forgive
this person right.
After all those years of trauma, after all those years of abuse
, I'm just supposed to flip aswitch and say that I forgive
this person and move on withoutany work internally to figure
(13:54):
out how to heal that wound.
As I reflect back on it now, itwas a pretty darn terrible piece
of advice.
Now, the heart of that advice,I would say, was good, but the
timing and the approach not sogood.
What I actually needed as a17-year-old boy was space to
figure out how to work throughthat, to understand that the
(14:16):
trauma that I experienced wasnot my fault.
The pain of the wound that Iwas carrying, the sense of shame
that I felt, like there wassomething wrong with me, that I
was broken, I was flawed.
I needed for that to get healedand then, as that process
unfolded, then come to a placeby choice not out of fear, but
(14:39):
out of choice to decide toforgive and release that energy,
which I'm thankful to say thatI've done later in a very much
more authentic way.
But in that time, wrong message,wrong time and in the wrong way
, and so I want to encourage youif you've experienced that.
First, I want to say that I'msorry, I'm sorry one.
(15:02):
If you carry a father wound,that if you grew up in a home
where you experienced abuse oryou had the absence of a father,
I'm sorry that you had to havethat experience and I'm sorry
for the wounds that you've hadto carry as a result of that.
And if you've experiencedanything that has said that you
had to have that experience andI'm sorry for the wounds that
you've had to carry as a resultof that.
And if you've experiencedanything that has said that
you've had to accelerate thatforgiveness, or you've been
(15:24):
pressured into it, or peoplehave taken the side of the
abuser and put you in a spotwhere you feel like you have to
be the repairer of therelationship, can I just tell
you, all of that's messed up.
It's not healthy, and if you'reexperiencing that, I want to
give you the permission to go atit at your own pace, in a way
(15:44):
that is truly aligned with whoyou are.
That brings true healing to you.
Because, can I say this, thatif you experience an abusive
father, an absent father, it isnot your fault.
You were the one who wasvictimized.
Now, being a victim doesn't saythat we're going to stay there
forever.
Right.
We want to take charge of ourlives so that we can create a
(16:06):
life that's beautiful.
We want to take back that power.
We want to take back our agencyand learn how to build the
beautiful life and relationshipsthat we deserve.
But I do want to tell you, ifnobody else has ever told you
this I'm sorry for what youexperienced.
I'm sorry for the wound thatyou carry.
I'm sorry for the consequencesthat have shown up in your life
(16:30):
because of that, the pain thatyou've carried because of it.
And I want to let you know it'snot your fault and it's not
your job to have to reconcileyour relationship with your dad.
Now you can choose to if youwant to, and beautiful things
can come from that.
But if you're feeling a senseof guilt or shame, that it's all
on you to do it.
Listen, it's not all on you todo this and there's a reason why
(16:54):
we feel that way and it comesfrom the father wound that we so
deeply and desperately want toheal that relationship.
We want to be shown that we'reworthy to be parented, to be
loved, to be accepted, thatwe're worthy of connection.
So we want to keep giving themthe shot or the opportunity to
make it right, because we'rehoping in them making it right
(17:16):
it's going to heal that part inus that got wounded.
Now here's the challenge thefather wound many times isn't
healed by the father.
It's not healed by the one whogave us the wound.
It can be, and that's beautifulwhen it happens, but it doesn't
always happen that way.
And even when it does happen,the father is not the one who
(17:38):
fully heals the wound.
They heal a part of it.
There's a piece that we have todo and we'll talk about that
later in this episode that canbring the most transformational
healing to us.
It's part of my story myrelationship with my dad.
He basically bailed out of mylife, or actually not.
Basically he bailed out of mylife when I was about 19 or 20
(18:00):
years old, went off, reinventedhimself, got remarried, had more
children who I still don't knowat this point, haven't met, and
we went for over 20 yearswithout talking, no
communication at all.
And when I was in my mid-40s Idecided that I wanted to reach
out and see if I could make someway for this relationship to
(18:22):
work, to get healed, and I wasstill carrying the sense that I
needed to figure out how to makethe relationship work.
I mean, here I am this kid whogrew up in all of that trauma
and then didn't have a chance toreally have that wound healed
and then my father abandoned me,disappeared.
Yet I still felt like it wassomehow my responsibility to try
(18:44):
to fix the relationship.
I was hopeful that maybe if Ireached out, things could get on
a good path, maybe things wouldrepair themselves and we could
have some type of relationshipthat was meaningful.
So in my mid-40s I tracked mydad down, got his phone number,
texted him.
We then jumped on a call, veryshort call, but we did get to
(19:06):
reconnect and it didn't healanything.
It shifted things.
I'll say that it allowed us tobe able to connect in some way.
We can send texts nowoccasionally back and forth
about happy birthday etc.
So improvement there, for sure.
But what I also found in it wasthat my desire to want to
(19:27):
connect with my dad and havethat be something that was maybe
intimate, maybe something thatwas healing, that could be
something that I always wantedfrom a father.
It was a beautiful desire ofmine, but that desire was not
met.
And the interesting thing is iswe discussed a couple of times
about trying to get together,meet face to face, and then
(19:49):
every time the time was going tohappen, some excuse got made,
something happened and we werenever able to meet face to face
and so I eventually decided justto give up on that part of it
and decided that I didn't wantto keep rewounding that father
wound and I let go of it and Ifully accepted at this point
(20:11):
that maybe the best I'm evergoing to be able to get out of
my relationship with my fatheris a few texts occasionally, and
at this point I'm okay withthat because I also understand
his story.
I understand his journey and Iwon't share anything about that.
But I understand his story, hisjourney, and so that helps me
have some levels of compassion.
It helps me understand or tomake meaning out of what
(20:35):
happened.
As Viktor Frankl talks aboutman's search for meaning.
If we can understand some ofthe meaning behind what happened
and make some meaning from itand use the mud for the lotus to
grow.
As Thich Nhat Hanh would alwayssay, how can the lotus grow
without the mud?
And so, in a very real sense,the person I am today is because
(20:59):
of all of those experiences.
The work that I'm doing todayis because of all of those
experiences.
And so am I saying that thosethings are good, that they
happened?
No, am I saying that I'd wantto change any of it?
No, because I would not be theperson I am today without those
experiences.
Do I feel like I had to gothrough them to be this person?
I don't know, but I know who Iam today, and if those
(21:22):
experiences needed to be a partof that journey, I fully accept
them as a part of the path thatI had to walk.
And so today, that's where myrelationship with my dad stands.
And today, do I still have somesense of a father wound?
Absolutely, is it better thanit was before?
Absolutely, and so here's thechallenge right, I do believe
(21:46):
that we can do some deep workand deep healing in this space,
but I also think that there willalways be a little bit of us
that aches for that when wehaven't had a healthy
relationship with our Father, wecan be healed, we can be
healthy, but there'll stillmaybe be a little remnant, a
little echo of hopefulness forwhat could have been, knowing
(22:09):
that it's not going to be.
Now, let me just say this andbe clear, that if your father is
still alive and you have anopportunity and you still want
to connect and have arelationship with your father, I
100% believe that it can go adifferent direction than mine
has gone.
It can go to one that isbeautiful, restorative, healed
(22:31):
and, dare I say, even betterthan what other people have as
their relationship with theirfather.
And so please, if that'ssomething that you desire, don't
give up on that.
Allow yourself to have that Now.
I also want to encourage youdon't put yourself in a space
where you're going to continueto get abused or continue to get
wounded If the person isn'thealthy enough to want to have a
(22:53):
relationship with you and youkeep trying to reach out and you
feel like you just got to keepmaking it work.
I would encourage you toreflect on that.
Look at the evidence.
Allow yourself to know that youare worthy of not having to go
through that rewounding all ofthe time, and really take a look
at are you trying to rescue therelationship?
(23:14):
Are you trying to rescue yourparent?
Are you hoping that somehowthey'll wake up and figure out
how to truly love you?
If you are, and you findyourself continuing to try to
reach out, get disappointed,hurt again, et cetera.
Can I encourage you to get someguidance on that, to meet with
somebody, whether a coach or atherapist, to unpack that with
(23:37):
you, because one of the thingsI've noticed with many people
who carry a father wound is theykeep going back and getting
re-wounded over and over, and sothere are ways that you can go
about it that protect you whilestill allowing you to have some
sense of hope that restorationcould happen.
And can I also say that if youdon't want any restoration with
(23:59):
that relationship, you don'twant any connection, you just
want them gone and that's likethe best thing for you, your
family or whatever the scenariois.
That's 100% okay as well.
It's okay to let therelationship go.
I did that for some 20 years,and when people would ask me
about my dad, I'd tell them alittle bit, but internally I'd
(24:21):
kind of made the decision thathe was dead to me.
And I don't mean that in theway of you know you're dead to
me, but it was just kind of likeI don't have a father.
That's the way that my brainhad to process.
It was to basically considerhim as if he wasn't alive.
That was the way that I neededto process it at that time and
it was a safety mechanism, itwas a coping mechanism and I
(24:42):
just wasn't ready to try tofigure out how to make that work
.
And then later it felt like itwas the right time, so I reached
out.
But if you're in that space, Iwant to let you know it's okay,
you don't have to make yourrelationship with your father
right.
Okay, I hope that helps.
All right, now can we starttalking about some of the impact
(25:04):
that this has on us?
How does it start to show upwhen we have a father wound in
our life?
And I want to share thesethings because I think it'll
help you to see the patterns,because often we get trapped in
these patterns and we thinkwe're the only ones who are
dealing with them.
But the reality is, when youhave a father wound, certain
things start to show up and fora lot of us we don't even know
(25:25):
it's because of that fatherwound.
Let's dig into these.
I hope, as you see yourself inthese, that it allows you to
feel a sense of being seen andnot isolated in your journey.
Number one is it often will showup in mental health issues.
Many people who deal with afather wound have a higher
lifetime risk for depression,anxiety, eating disorders.
(25:48):
There was a 20-year study inthe UK that directly linked the
absence of a father in earlychildhood to persistent
depression in sons and daughtersthrough the age of 24.
Now another thing that happensis attachment style issues.
Right, we hear a lot aboutattachment style and the
research shows that individualswith a father wound have a
(26:10):
higher rate of an insecureattachment style and the fear of
abandonment.
Now, another area that impactsis our core self-worth, and what
that can do is it can fuelperfectionism or people-pleasing
, or it can birth the highachiever to try to prove that
there's not something wrong withus.
You know, a lot of highachievers will have a core wound
(26:33):
with a father or with a motherand their desire to try to prove
that person wrong or toovercome the feeling of
inadequacy or low self-esteem,low self-worth, will birth this
desire to achieve.
And that desire to achieve, ifit's not checked and it's not
healed and it doesn't gethealthy, it's going to lead to
all kinds of other problems,like burnout, like workaholism,
(26:55):
like relational issues,addiction issues, etc.
And so much of this can comefrom that core wound that we
have with our fathers.
Now, another impact that showsup is our ability to deal with
stress or to cope with it.
Research shows that when wehave a father wound, it is going
to reduce our ability toemotionally regulate and it's
going to lower our resiliencewhen we face challenges or
(27:18):
setbacks in life.
Another thing that shows up andunfortunately and sadly is the
greater probability of repeatingthese patterns of emotional
distance or abuse or absencefrom our own children unless we
address and heal this wound.
It's that intergenerationalecho of trauma that just
(27:41):
continues on and on.
Now the research also shows usthat there are a few key
differences between men andwomen and how they deal with
this father wound.
Women generally I'm not sayingthis for all tend to internalize
the pain, and some of theoutcomes of that include greater
levels of self-criticism,greater levels of anxiety,
(28:03):
eating disorders, body imageissues, an anxious or fearful
avoidance style, difficultytrusting healthy masculinity,
earlier engagement in sexualactivity, higher levels of teen
pregnancy, hyper-competitivenessfeelings of the imposter
syndrome are more acute andgreater levels of emotional
(28:26):
volatility under stress.
Now for men, on the other hand,they're more likely to
externalize all of this.
They're more likely to displayhigher levels of aggression.
They become more risk-taking.
They're more likely to getinvolved in substance use as a
way to cope with the wound.
They have a higher suicide risk, have greater difficulty
(28:46):
connecting with and naming theirfeelings.
More likely to get involved inbullying behavior.
More likely to have intimatepartner violence.
More likely to get involved inbullying behavior.
More likely to have intimatepartner violence.
More likely to carry a chronicsense of inadequacy.
They have performance-basedworth or shame-based achieving.
They might displayhyper-masculinity or soft
(29:06):
masculinity to avoid conflict.
They could definitely havedifficulty trusting authority or
expressing vulnerability topartners and children, and they
can wind up repeating the sameemotional patterns with their
own children.
And so those are just some ofthe things that a person with a
father wound might be carrying.
(29:27):
And so if you feel things, forexample, like being compelled to
overachieve or people-pleasedto earn approval, or you have an
intense anger at male authorityor fear of disappointing male
authority, or if you'rerepeating patterns of
emotionally unavailable partners, or you have difficulty
(29:47):
believing the praise that youreceive or feeling good enough
even when you have success, orif you have success, or if you
have spiritual struggles thatmirror your relationship with
your dad, like I did, I meanthere's so many of these things
that show up when we carry afather wound.
So now let's talk about how youcan begin to heal the father
(30:08):
wound.
I'm going to talk about it fromevidence-based practices.
Number one isattachment-focused therapy or
coaching.
This is when you get intothings like emotionally-focused
coaching therapy or things likeinternal family systems, which I
absolutely love and I'm trainedin.
I've just had such anincredible experience seeing
(30:30):
clients transform through thework of IFS.
So why does it work?
Well, because it creates a safeplace for you to have a
corrective experience ofsomebody who's trained to help
you work through those exiledparts of you how to integrate
the pain, how to understand thatthose things were not your
(30:53):
fault, for you to show up asyour own healer in that space.
Now the second thing that youcan do to bring healing is
reparenting exercises, and thisis about you reparenting
yourself, and it's veryeffective and very
transformative, right?
Because therapy and coachingdoes provide us with reparenting
(31:15):
experiences that we connectwith individuals and they give
us a corrective experience.
But what we can also do fromthat is learn how to give
ourselves corrective experiences, reparenting ourself.
This is so powerful.
A lot of this work can takeplace through things like IFS,
and this is about givingyourself what you needed when
(31:38):
you were a little guy, when youwere a little girl, those things
that you needed to help you bewhole, to help you feel safe.
You now are becoming thatparent to that part of yourself.
It's a lot of inner child workand it's a lot of you showing up
for you with compassion, withlove, with acceptance, with
encouragement, you being to youthe father that you never had.
(32:03):
What did you want from yourfather that you didn't get?
Can you make a list of that?
Can you look at that?
And then can you find ways togive that to yourself with the
utmost gentleness, with theutmost kindness?
Can you see that version ofyourself, at whatever age you
were, whether it was that youdidn't have a dad and you wish
(32:24):
you did and you looked ateverybody who had one and it was
so painful to realize that youdidn't have that.
And maybe you wondered what waswrong with you, that your dad
left or wasn't a part of yourlife.
Or maybe you did have thefather in the home, but they
were abusive, they were critical, they were emotionally
unavailable.
What did you need from them?
What did you want?
(32:44):
Make a list of that and then,throughout your day, find little
ways to give that to yourself.
And when you do give it toyourself, can I encourage you to
celebrate it, acknowledge thefact that you are reparenting
yourself and you are healing you.
(33:05):
Another thing I'll talk about isforgiveness work.
Now I'm going to tread lightlyhere because of my own story of
feeling like I needed to getforced to forgive.
When I say forgiveness, this isabout you doing your work on
your time.
Now the research does show thatforgiveness can be very healing
, because when we understandthat the forgiveness is about us
(33:27):
right, the whole quote thatwhen we forgive the prisoner we
set free is ourselves.
Forgiveness is about allowingus to let go of all that energy
and the rumination and all ofthat stuff that's trapped inside
of us, to let that go so thatwe can move on with our lives in
(33:48):
a way that feels more healthyand whole.
So I encourage you, justexplore it.
What would it look like for you?
And if it feels like it'ssomething that you want to walk
towards, maybe you get somebodywho can help you through that
process.
Or maybe you write out a letteror go through some type of
practice to help you releasethat energy, of practice to help
you release that energy.
Now, another thing that can helpis grief work, allowing
(34:18):
yourself to grieve the fatherthat you didn't have.
This is important.
It's really important work,because even if you had a father
that was in the house, but theyweren't the type of father that
you needed, or you had theabsence of a father in a home,
give yourself permission togrieve what you lost, what you
didn't have, and what this isdoing is it's allowing you to
honor the reality of it.
(34:39):
Give yourself permission toexperience the pain, the loss,
because the father wound doesn'tget healed when it's ignored.
Part of it getting healed isgrieving it, allowing yourself
to know that you had every rightto a safe, loving father and
(34:59):
that you didn't have it caused alot of suffering and a lot of
pain in your life, andacknowledging that through
writing a letter about it orallowing yourself to experience
those emotions instead ofdenying them.
It's going to be a reallyimportant part of the healing
journey.
Now, of course, the things thatI've covered about how to heal
(35:20):
the father wound.
It's not comprehensive.
It's just some things that Ifound helpful for me and I think
they'll be helpful for you.
So use what feels right and theother things that don't feel
right, just set them aside fornow, and if they come back later
as some tool that you could uselater, then that's great.
But what I want to encourageyou in more than anything be
(35:41):
kind to yourself as you're goingthrough that process.
Be gentle with yourself asyou're going through that
process, and if you need help onthat journey of learning how to
heal the father wound, I wantto invite you to set up a free
strategy call with me.
You can do that by going tojerryhendersonorg or by simply
seeing the show notes in thisepisode.
(36:02):
We'll spend a full hourtogether.
You can share your story, yourjourney, and as we connect and
spend that time together, we cansee if it makes sense for us to
continue to do some worktogether to help you on your
journey of healing.
Well, thank you so much forjoining this episode of the
Permission to Love podcast, andif you found the content of this
podcast episode helpful, Iwould encourage you to share it
(36:24):
with somebody else, because ifit's making a difference in your
life, it'll make a differencein their life as well.
And finally, I want to remindyou that you are worthy of your
own love.
Hello everybody and welcome to this episode of
the Permission to Love podcast.
I'm your host, jerry Henderson,and, as always, I am so, so
grateful that you're here Now.
If you're new to this podcast,I just want to give you a few
seconds about myself and aboutthis podcast.
As I said, I'm Jerry Henderson.
I'm the creator of the PersonalMastery Framework.
I'm a master certified coach,author, speaker and host of the
(00:25):
Permission to Love podcast, andI do the work that I do out of
my own personal story and my ownpersonal journey, and so this
podcast is about how can youhave a healthier relationship
with yourself, how can you, as ahigh achiever, learn to create
a life that feels as good on theinside as it looks on the
(00:45):
outside, how can you find truefulfillment, true satisfaction,
meaning and purpose, and to doall of that from a place that is
deeply rooted inself-acceptance and
self-compassion.
So that is what this podcast isabout, and I'm grateful that
you're here Now with all of thatin mind.
I do want to remind you, or tolet you know for the first time,
(01:07):
if you're new here, that thePermission to Love podcast is
going to be changing its nameNow.
The content, the focus, isgoing to continue to be based in
everything that I just sharedand everything that we have been
doing over the last almost twoyears that we have been doing
over the last almost two years.
But starting May 5th, thePermission to Love podcast will
become Personal Mastery withJerry Henderson.
(01:31):
And if you're curious about thename change the why behind it,
you can go listen to the episodetitled Self-Love the Root from
which Personal Mastery Grows.
Now, if you've not yet had achance to subscribe to or to
follow this podcast, I want toencourage you to do that,
because when we change thepodcast title from Permission to
Love to Personal Mastery withJerry Henderson, you're not
(01:53):
going to be able to findPermission to Love if you search
for it.
So it's going to be reallyimportant that, if you want to
continue to get the content fromthis podcast, to take a moment
and hit that subscribe or followbutton.
So, with all of that, let's goahead and dive into today's
episode.
Today, we're going to be talkingabout the father wound.
We're going to talk about whatit is, and then we'll also talk
(02:15):
about how you can begin to healit.
You can heal it, you absolutelycan.
I know it because of my storyand I'll share some of my story
here in just a minute and I'vealso seen many of my clients
come to a place of healing andtransformation in this space.
So I'm excited to share thisepisode with you today because I
(02:37):
believe that it can really helpyou on your journey if you're a
person who's struggling withthe father wound.
So what is the father wound?
Well, the father wound is theemotional and relational injury
that forms when a child'sconnection with their father,
with their dad, is chronicallyunsafe, neglectful or absent.
(03:00):
And while it is not a formaldiagnosis meaning that you would
not find it in the DSM-5, whichis the handbook about mental
health issues you're not goingto find it there.
However, decades of attachmentand trauma, research confirms
its impact the impact of thefather wound on self-esteem,
emotional regulation and adultrelationships.
(03:22):
It's very clear that when wehave a painful relationship with
our fathers, whether it'sbecause they're abusive or
because they're neglectful, orbecause they were absent, or
whatever the story is, it has asignificant impact in our lives.
Well now let's take a momentand let's dive in just a little
bit more on how the father wounddevelops.
(03:43):
Number one physical absence,whether through divorce, death,
incarceration, militarydeployment or work patterns that
can remove a father from dailylife.
That absence of the physicalpresence of a father can leave a
wound.
Research is very clear aboutthis.
(04:03):
The other way that it can formis through emotional absence.
A father may be in the home,yet they're distant, they're
preoccupied or they'reconstantly critical, leaving the
child without connection,without praise, without
encouragement.
There is a lack of emotionalconnection and intimacy.
The other way that it canhappen is through abuse or
(04:26):
harshness, whether it's physicalabuse, mental abuse, emotional
abuse, things like verbalhumiliation, corporal punishment
or unpredictable rage.
Now, another way the fatherwound can form is through what
is known as role modeling gaps.
This is when fathers strugglewith things like addiction or
their own untreated trauma ormental illness, and children
(04:49):
often can internalize the shameand the confusion about this and
they can translate it to theirown identity and their own worth
.
Now, if you've been listening tothis podcast for any amount of
time, you know that I have myown father wound.
I grew up in a very abusivehome, had an alcoholic father.
(05:09):
We grew up in US poverty on thewelfare system and moved around
all over the place because dadwas trying to keep a job, find a
job.
So I wound up attending 17different schools and life was
pretty chaotic for me as a youngperson, and one of the ways
that I tried to cope with allthat chaos was through drugs and
alcohol.
By the age of 14, I was inrehab, and then, after I got out
(05:30):
of rehab, I went right backinto the same patterns.
I had a lot of anger.
I was always getting kicked outof school.
From the sixth grade on, I wasexpelled or suspended from
school every single year untilthe age of 17.
And at the age of 17.
And at the age of 17, somethingvery significant happened in my
life.
I became a Christian.
I joined a church and found alot of healing and hope in that
(05:54):
space.
I also found a lot ofchallenges as well, and one of
the key challenges was that Ibegan to make God in the image
of my Father.
I began to see God not asfilled with grace, not as filled
with love, but a God that Ineeded to figure out how to
please that.
This God was always frustratedwith me, that I could never
(06:15):
quite please that God enough,and so my father wound showed up
in my relationship with God,because I felt like I was always
in trouble with God, alwaysdisappointing God.
No matter how much I prayed, nomatter how much I read in my
Bible, it was never enough and Icarried a deep sense of shame
(06:36):
that had its origins, had itsroot, from the father wound that
I had.
And, the truth be told, thatwasn't the only relationship
that that father wound had animpact on.
It had an impact on everyrelationship in my life For male
figures, authority figures orpeople that I respected.
I was trying to find my fatherin them.
(06:57):
I was hoping that they wouldfather me and heal that wound,
that feeling of not being enough, not feeling accepted, always
feeling rejected.
I was hoping that other mencould help heal that inside of
me.
It never happened.
Now, while I did find some goodmentors who were able to help
me some, it wasn't their job toheal that in my life, and I'll
(07:20):
talk later about what ultimatelybrought healing for me in that
space and continues to providehealing for me in that space of
the father wound that I carriedand still carry to some degree,
but it wasn't their job.
Now, the other relationshipsthat it showed up in was my
romantic relationships, becauseI didn't know how to connect.
I wasn't taught how to buildintimacy, how to build safe
(07:43):
connection, and it was verydifficult for me to feel like I
could be authentic.
Part of that was because Iwasn't taught how to be
authentic.
Part of it was also because Ididn't want to be like my dad,
but I didn't know who I wantedto be.
Right, I didn't have a sense ofclear identity that gets
developed right, that sense ofwho you are and transitioning
(08:04):
from boyhood to manhood.
I didn't have all of thatgrowing up and so I had to
figure it out, and it was clunkyand so big parts of me I hid
because of the fact that I feltshame about who I was.
I felt shame about my story.
I felt shame that I didn't havea father who loved me and
wanted to connect with me andwho would go on to abandon me
(08:26):
and I'll talk about that here injust a second.
But all of that kept me fromconnecting and having intimacy,
and I also carried a sense offear that I would turn into my
dad, and so I was always tryingto manage that internally.
And so this fear of not wantingpeople to see me because I felt
like they would reject me, andthen this fear of feeling like I
(08:46):
had to not become somebody,versus who I needed to become or
who I actually wanted to become.
Hope, all that makes sense, andI'm sure that, as you're
listening to this, if you'vecarried a father wound, you can
relate to what I'm sharing.
I want to take a moment andtalk to you about a new group
coaching program that I've justlaunched.
(09:07):
It's called Overcoming Shame.
Now, if you're a person whostruggles with shame, I want to
let you know you're not alone.
So what is shame?
Shame is that feeling thatthere's something wrong with you
, that you're uniquely broken.
And the challenge with shame isit makes us feel like we're the
only ones dealing with it andwe wind up having shame for
(09:31):
having shame.
And that was exactly my story.
I carried shame that came frommy childhood trauma for over 40
years, but I didn't know what Iwas dealing with.
I didn't even know there was athing called shame.
I just knew that I carried thefeeling that there was something
wrong with me that caused methen to have all of this anxiety
(09:52):
, depression, all this unhealthycoping mechanisms.
I hid myself from othersbecause I didn't want them to
see who I truly was.
So I felt alone and isolatedand then wound up trying to cope
with all of that through somepretty unhealthy coping
mechanisms.
And so if that's you, if you'restruggling with shame and
you're struggling alone in this,I want to let you know you
(10:13):
don't have to struggle aloneanymore, and that's why I've
created a group coaching programcalled Overcoming Shame.
As a part of the program, we'regoing to dive into the science
behind what is shame?
How does it get formed, how canyou disidentify from it, how
can you learn to let go of it,and what does a life look like
(10:36):
on the other side of shame andthroughout it?
We're going to look at theneuroscience, the psychology,
the practical ways that you canovercome shame.
And can I tell you right now,you can overcome shame.
You can move from a place offeeling like there's something
wrong with you, wanting toreject yourself, feeling like
(10:57):
you're never going to be quoteunquote fixed.
You can move from all of thatto a place of true wholeness, of
true self-acceptance and to aplace of true self-compassion
and self-love.
So if you're interested inlearning more about the program,
I want to invite you to go tothe show notes in this episode.
There'll be a link there whereyou can set up a free 15-minute
(11:21):
discovery call where we'llconnect and see if this is the
right fit for you.
I'm intentionally keeping theprogram somewhat small because I
want to make sure that we buildcommunity and connection,
because research shows that'sone of the key ways in order to
overcome shame that we come outof isolation, we come out of
hiding and we get among peoplewho are carrying the same
(11:44):
challenges, and in doing that,it helps us know that we're not
alone, which, once again, is akey part of overcoming shame.
So, once again, if you'reinterested, set up a free
15-minute discovery call with me, and you can do that by either
going to my website atjerryhendersonorg or by simply
seeing the show notes in thisepisode.
(12:06):
I look forward to connectingwith you, learning more about
you and helping you get on apath where, once and for all,
you let go of that feeling thatthere's something wrong with you
.
Now, the other challenge that Ifaced in trying to heal or deal
with this father wound was inthe church.
When I became a Christian, oneof the things that I was
(12:29):
immediately told that I neededto do was to forgive my dad.
Now, while I deeply believe inforgiveness, I believe in
forgiveness in the right time,in the right way, something
that's not forced, somethingthat's authentic.
And when we understandforgiveness that it's not even
about the other person, it'sabout us, and us receiving
(12:50):
healing and us letting go ofthat stored energy that we have
towards the other person.
It totally changes the way thatwe look at forgiveness, and
we'll talk about that in anotherepisode, and I've actually done
some episodes on forgivenessand so if you want to go listen
to those, it might be helpful.
But in this situation with mydad, when I was told that I had
(13:11):
to forgive him because if Iwanted to be forgiven by God, I
had to forgive my dad, if Iwanted to be forgiven by God, I
had to forgive my dad.
Well, the challenge with thatwas it became forced forgiveness
and it became just to show amask that I wore and it didn't
allow me to actually deal withthe father wound.
It was glazed over under thepretense of well, I've just
(13:32):
forgiven the person.
How can you do that?
I mean, let's just be honestabout this.
How can you just flip a switchand say's just be honest about
this?
How can you just flip a switchand say I'm going to forgive
this person right.
After all those years of trauma, after all those years of abuse
, I'm just supposed to flip aswitch and say that I forgive
this person and move on withoutany work internally to figure
(13:54):
out how to heal that wound.
As I reflect back on it now, itwas a pretty darn terrible piece
of advice.
Now, the heart of that advice,I would say, was good, but the
timing and the approach not sogood.
What I actually needed as a17-year-old boy was space to
figure out how to work throughthat, to understand that the
(14:16):
trauma that I experienced wasnot my fault.
The pain of the wound that Iwas carrying, the sense of shame
that I felt, like there wassomething wrong with me, that I
was broken, I was flawed.
I needed for that to get healedand then, as that process
unfolded, then come to a placeby choice not out of fear, but
(14:39):
out of choice to decide toforgive and release that energy,
which I'm thankful to say thatI've done later in a very much
more authentic way.
But in that time, wrong message,wrong time and in the wrong way
, and so I want to encourage youif you've experienced that.
First, I want to say that I'msorry, I'm sorry one.
(15:02):
If you carry a father wound,that if you grew up in a home
where you experienced abuse oryou had the absence of a father,
I'm sorry that you had to havethat experience and I'm sorry
for the wounds that you've hadto carry as a result of that.
And if you've experiencedanything that has said that you
had to have that experience andI'm sorry for the wounds that
you've had to carry as a resultof that.
And if you've experiencedanything that has said that
you've had to accelerate thatforgiveness, or you've been
(15:24):
pressured into it, or peoplehave taken the side of the
abuser and put you in a spotwhere you feel like you have to
be the repairer of therelationship, can I just tell
you, all of that's messed up.
It's not healthy, and if you'reexperiencing that, I want to
give you the permission to go atit at your own pace, in a way
(15:44):
that is truly aligned with whoyou are.
That brings true healing to you.
Because, can I say this, thatif you experience an abusive
father, an absent father, it isnot your fault.
You were the one who wasvictimized.
Now, being a victim doesn't saythat we're going to stay there
forever.
Right.
We want to take charge of ourlives so that we can create a
(16:06):
life that's beautiful.
We want to take back that power.
We want to take back our agencyand learn how to build the
beautiful life and relationshipsthat we deserve.
But I do want to tell you, ifnobody else has ever told you
this I'm sorry for what youexperienced.
I'm sorry for the wound thatyou carry.
I'm sorry for the consequencesthat have shown up in your life
(16:30):
because of that, the pain thatyou've carried because of it.
And I want to let you know it'snot your fault and it's not
your job to have to reconcileyour relationship with your dad.
Now you can choose to if youwant to, and beautiful things
can come from that.
But if you're feeling a senseof guilt or shame, that it's all
on you to do it.
Listen, it's not all on you todo this and there's a reason why
(16:54):
we feel that way and it comesfrom the father wound that we so
deeply and desperately want toheal that relationship.
We want to be shown that we'reworthy to be parented, to be
loved, to be accepted, thatwe're worthy of connection.
So we want to keep giving themthe shot or the opportunity to
make it right, because we'rehoping in them making it right
(17:16):
it's going to heal that part inus that got wounded.
Now here's the challenge thefather wound many times isn't
healed by the father.
It's not healed by the one whogave us the wound.
It can be, and that's beautifulwhen it happens, but it doesn't
always happen that way.
And even when it does happen,the father is not the one who
(17:38):
fully heals the wound.
They heal a part of it.
There's a piece that we have todo and we'll talk about that
later in this episode that canbring the most transformational
healing to us.
It's part of my story myrelationship with my dad.
He basically bailed out of mylife, or actually not.
Basically he bailed out of mylife when I was about 19 or 20
(18:00):
years old, went off, reinventedhimself, got remarried, had more
children who I still don't knowat this point, haven't met, and
we went for over 20 yearswithout talking, no
communication at all.
And when I was in my mid-40s Idecided that I wanted to reach
out and see if I could make someway for this relationship to
(18:22):
work, to get healed, and I wasstill carrying the sense that I
needed to figure out how to makethe relationship work.
I mean, here I am this kid whogrew up in all of that trauma
and then didn't have a chance toreally have that wound healed
and then my father abandoned me,disappeared.
Yet I still felt like it wassomehow my responsibility to try
(18:44):
to fix the relationship.
I was hopeful that maybe if Ireached out, things could get on
a good path, maybe things wouldrepair themselves and we could
have some type of relationshipthat was meaningful.
So in my mid-40s I tracked mydad down, got his phone number,
texted him.
We then jumped on a call, veryshort call, but we did get to
(19:06):
reconnect and it didn't healanything.
It shifted things.
I'll say that it allowed us tobe able to connect in some way.
We can send texts nowoccasionally back and forth
about happy birthday etc.
So improvement there, for sure.
But what I also found in it wasthat my desire to want to
(19:27):
connect with my dad and havethat be something that was maybe
intimate, maybe something thatwas healing, that could be
something that I always wantedfrom a father.
It was a beautiful desire ofmine, but that desire was not
met.
And the interesting thing is iswe discussed a couple of times
about trying to get together,meet face to face, and then
(19:49):
every time the time was going tohappen, some excuse got made,
something happened and we werenever able to meet face to face
and so I eventually decided justto give up on that part of it
and decided that I didn't wantto keep rewounding that father
wound and I let go of it and Ifully accepted at this point
(20:11):
that maybe the best I'm evergoing to be able to get out of
my relationship with my fatheris a few texts occasionally, and
at this point I'm okay withthat because I also understand
his story.
I understand his journey and Iwon't share anything about that.
But I understand his story, hisjourney, and so that helps me
have some levels of compassion.
It helps me understand or tomake meaning out of what
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happened.
As Viktor Frankl talks aboutman's search for meaning.
If we can understand some ofthe meaning behind what happened
and make some meaning from itand use the mud for the lotus to
grow.
As Thich Nhat Hanh would alwayssay, how can the lotus grow
without the mud?
And so, in a very real sense,the person I am today is because
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of all of those experiences.
The work that I'm doing todayis because of all of those
experiences.
And so am I saying that thosethings are good, that they
happened?
No, am I saying that I'd wantto change any of it?
No, because I would not be theperson I am today without those
experiences.
Do I feel like I had to gothrough them to be this person?
I don't know, but I know who Iam today, and if those
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experiences needed to be a partof that journey, I fully accept
them as a part of the path thatI had to walk.
And so today, that's where myrelationship with my dad stands.
And today, do I still have somesense of a father wound?
Absolutely, is it better thanit was before?
Absolutely, and so here's thechallenge right, I do believe
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that we can do some deep workand deep healing in this space,
but I also think that there willalways be a little bit of us
that aches for that when wehaven't had a healthy
relationship with our Father, wecan be healed, we can be
healthy, but there'll stillmaybe be a little remnant, a
little echo of hopefulness forwhat could have been, knowing
(22:09):
that it's not going to be.
Now, let me just say this andbe clear, that if your father is
still alive and you have anopportunity and you still want
to connect and have arelationship with your father, I
100% believe that it can go adifferent direction than mine
has gone.
It can go to one that isbeautiful, restorative, healed
(22:31):
and, dare I say, even betterthan what other people have as
their relationship with theirfather.
And so please, if that'ssomething that you desire, don't
give up on that.
Allow yourself to have that Now.
I also want to encourage youdon't put yourself in a space
where you're going to continueto get abused or continue to get
wounded If the person isn'thealthy enough to want to have a
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relationship with you and youkeep trying to reach out and you
feel like you just got to keepmaking it work.
I would encourage you toreflect on that.
Look at the evidence.
Allow yourself to know that youare worthy of not having to go
through that rewounding all ofthe time, and really take a look
at are you trying to rescue therelationship?
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Are you trying to rescue yourparent?
Are you hoping that somehowthey'll wake up and figure out
how to truly love you?
If you are, and you findyourself continuing to try to
reach out, get disappointed,hurt again, et cetera.
Can I encourage you to get someguidance on that, to meet with
somebody, whether a coach or atherapist, to unpack that with
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you, because one of the thingsI've noticed with many people
who carry a father wound is theykeep going back and getting
re-wounded over and over, and sothere are ways that you can go
about it that protect you whilestill allowing you to have some
sense of hope that restorationcould happen.
And can I also say that if youdon't want any restoration with
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that relationship, you don'twant any connection, you just
want them gone and that's likethe best thing for you, your
family or whatever the scenariois.
That's 100% okay as well.
It's okay to let therelationship go.
I did that for some 20 years,and when people would ask me
about my dad, I'd tell them alittle bit, but internally I'd
(24:21):
kind of made the decision thathe was dead to me.
And I don't mean that in theway of you know you're dead to
me, but it was just kind of likeI don't have a father.
That's the way that my brainhad to process.
It was to basically considerhim as if he wasn't alive.
That was the way that I neededto process it at that time and
it was a safety mechanism, itwas a coping mechanism and I
(24:42):
just wasn't ready to try tofigure out how to make that work
.
And then later it felt like itwas the right time, so I reached
out.
But if you're in that space, Iwant to let you know it's okay,
you don't have to make yourrelationship with your father
right.
Okay, I hope that helps.
All right, now can we starttalking about some of the impact
(25:04):
that this has on us?
How does it start to show upwhen we have a father wound in
our life?
And I want to share thesethings because I think it'll
help you to see the patterns,because often we get trapped in
these patterns and we thinkwe're the only ones who are
dealing with them.
But the reality is, when youhave a father wound, certain
things start to show up and fora lot of us we don't even know
(25:25):
it's because of that fatherwound.
Let's dig into these.
I hope, as you see yourself inthese, that it allows you to
feel a sense of being seen andnot isolated in your journey.
Number one is it often will showup in mental health issues.
Many people who deal with afather wound have a higher
lifetime risk for depression,anxiety, eating disorders.
(25:48):
There was a 20-year study inthe UK that directly linked the
absence of a father in earlychildhood to persistent
depression in sons and daughtersthrough the age of 24.
Now another thing that happensis attachment style issues.
Right, we hear a lot aboutattachment style and the
research shows that individualswith a father wound have a
(26:10):
higher rate of an insecureattachment style and the fear of
abandonment.
Now, another area that impactsis our core self-worth, and what
that can do is it can fuelperfectionism or people-pleasing
, or it can birth the highachiever to try to prove that
there's not something wrong withus.
You know, a lot of highachievers will have a core wound
(26:33):
with a father or with a motherand their desire to try to prove
that person wrong or toovercome the feeling of
inadequacy or low self-esteem,low self-worth, will birth this
desire to achieve.
And that desire to achieve, ifit's not checked and it's not
healed and it doesn't gethealthy, it's going to lead to
all kinds of other problems,like burnout, like workaholism,
(26:55):
like relational issues,addiction issues, etc.
And so much of this can comefrom that core wound that we
have with our fathers.
Now, another impact that showsup is our ability to deal with
stress or to cope with it.
Research shows that when wehave a father wound, it is going
to reduce our ability toemotionally regulate and it's
going to lower our resiliencewhen we face challenges or
(27:18):
setbacks in life.
Another thing that shows up andunfortunately and sadly is the
greater probability of repeatingthese patterns of emotional
distance or abuse or absencefrom our own children unless we
address and heal this wound.
It's that intergenerationalecho of trauma that just
(27:41):
continues on and on.
Now the research also shows usthat there are a few key
differences between men andwomen and how they deal with
this father wound.
Women generally I'm not sayingthis for all tend to internalize
the pain, and some of theoutcomes of that include greater
levels of self-criticism,greater levels of anxiety,
(28:03):
eating disorders, body imageissues, an anxious or fearful
avoidance style, difficultytrusting healthy masculinity,
earlier engagement in sexualactivity, higher levels of teen
pregnancy, hyper-competitivenessfeelings of the imposter
syndrome are more acute andgreater levels of emotional
(28:26):
volatility under stress.
Now for men, on the other hand,they're more likely to
externalize all of this.
They're more likely to displayhigher levels of aggression.
They become more risk-taking.
They're more likely to getinvolved in substance use as a
way to cope with the wound.
They have a higher suicide risk, have greater difficulty
(28:46):
connecting with and naming theirfeelings.
More likely to get involved inbullying behavior.
More likely to have intimatepartner violence.
More likely to get involved inbullying behavior.
More likely to have intimatepartner violence.
More likely to carry a chronicsense of inadequacy.
They have performance-basedworth or shame-based achieving.
They might displayhyper-masculinity or soft
(29:06):
masculinity to avoid conflict.
They could definitely havedifficulty trusting authority or
expressing vulnerability topartners and children, and they
can wind up repeating the sameemotional patterns with their
own children.
And so those are just some ofthe things that a person with a
father wound might be carrying.
(29:27):
And so if you feel things, forexample, like being compelled to
overachieve or people-pleasedto earn approval, or you have an
intense anger at male authorityor fear of disappointing male
authority, or if you'rerepeating patterns of
emotionally unavailable partners, or you have difficulty
(29:47):
believing the praise that youreceive or feeling good enough
even when you have success, orif you have success, or if you
have spiritual struggles thatmirror your relationship with
your dad, like I did, I meanthere's so many of these things
that show up when we carry afather wound.
So now let's talk about how youcan begin to heal the father
(30:08):
wound.
I'm going to talk about it fromevidence-based practices.
Number one isattachment-focused therapy or
coaching.
This is when you get intothings like emotionally-focused
coaching therapy or things likeinternal family systems, which I
absolutely love and I'm trainedin.
I've just had such anincredible experience seeing
(30:30):
clients transform through thework of IFS.
So why does it work?
Well, because it creates a safeplace for you to have a
corrective experience ofsomebody who's trained to help
you work through those exiledparts of you how to integrate
the pain, how to understand thatthose things were not your
(30:53):
fault, for you to show up asyour own healer in that space.
Now the second thing that youcan do to bring healing is
reparenting exercises, and thisis about you reparenting
yourself, and it's veryeffective and very
transformative, right?
Because therapy and coachingdoes provide us with reparenting
(31:15):
experiences that we connectwith individuals and they give
us a corrective experience.
But what we can also do fromthat is learn how to give
ourselves corrective experiences, reparenting ourself.
This is so powerful.
A lot of this work can takeplace through things like IFS,
and this is about givingyourself what you needed when
(31:38):
you were a little guy, when youwere a little girl, those things
that you needed to help you bewhole, to help you feel safe.
You now are becoming thatparent to that part of yourself.
It's a lot of inner child workand it's a lot of you showing up
for you with compassion, withlove, with acceptance, with
encouragement, you being to youthe father that you never had.
(32:03):
What did you want from yourfather that you didn't get?
Can you make a list of that?
Can you look at that?
And then can you find ways togive that to yourself with the
utmost gentleness, with theutmost kindness?
Can you see that version ofyourself, at whatever age you
were, whether it was that youdidn't have a dad and you wish
(32:24):
you did and you looked ateverybody who had one and it was
so painful to realize that youdidn't have that.
And maybe you wondered what waswrong with you, that your dad
left or wasn't a part of yourlife.
Or maybe you did have thefather in the home, but they
were abusive, they were critical, they were emotionally
unavailable.
What did you need from them?
What did you want?
(32:44):
Make a list of that and then,throughout your day, find little
ways to give that to yourself.
And when you do give it toyourself, can I encourage you to
celebrate it, acknowledge thefact that you are reparenting
yourself and you are healing you.
(33:05):
Another thing I'll talk about isforgiveness work.
Now I'm going to tread lightlyhere because of my own story of
feeling like I needed to getforced to forgive.
When I say forgiveness, this isabout you doing your work on
your time.
Now the research does show thatforgiveness can be very healing
, because when we understandthat the forgiveness is about us
(33:27):
right, the whole quote thatwhen we forgive the prisoner we
set free is ourselves.
Forgiveness is about allowingus to let go of all that energy
and the rumination and all ofthat stuff that's trapped inside
of us, to let that go so thatwe can move on with our lives in
(33:48):
a way that feels more healthyand whole.
So I encourage you, justexplore it.
What would it look like for you?
And if it feels like it'ssomething that you want to walk
towards, maybe you get somebodywho can help you through that
process.
Or maybe you write out a letteror go through some type of
practice to help you releasethat energy, of practice to help
you release that energy.
Now, another thing that can helpis grief work, allowing
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yourself to grieve the fatherthat you didn't have.
This is important.
It's really important work,because even if you had a father
that was in the house, but theyweren't the type of father that
you needed, or you had theabsence of a father in a home,
give yourself permission togrieve what you lost, what you
didn't have, and what this isdoing is it's allowing you to
honor the reality of it.
(34:39):
Give yourself permission toexperience the pain, the loss,
because the father wound doesn'tget healed when it's ignored.
Part of it getting healed isgrieving it, allowing yourself
to know that you had every rightto a safe, loving father and
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that you didn't have it caused alot of suffering and a lot of
pain in your life, andacknowledging that through
writing a letter about it orallowing yourself to experience
those emotions instead ofdenying them.
It's going to be a reallyimportant part of the healing
journey.
Now, of course, the things thatI've covered about how to heal
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the father wound.
It's not comprehensive.
It's just some things that Ifound helpful for me and I think
they'll be helpful for you.
So use what feels right and theother things that don't feel
right, just set them aside fornow, and if they come back later
as some tool that you could uselater, then that's great.
But what I want to encourageyou in more than anything be
(35:41):
kind to yourself as you're goingthrough that process.
Be gentle with yourself asyou're going through that
process, and if you need help onthat journey of learning how to
heal the father wound, I wantto invite you to set up a free
strategy call with me.
You can do that by going tojerryhendersonorg or by simply
seeing the show notes in thisepisode.
(36:02):
We'll spend a full hourtogether.
You can share your story, yourjourney, and as we connect and
spend that time together, we cansee if it makes sense for us to
continue to do some worktogether to help you on your
journey of healing.
Well, thank you so much forjoining this episode of the
Permission to Love podcast, andif you found the content of this
podcast episode helpful, Iwould encourage you to share it
(36:24):
with somebody else, because ifit's making a difference in your
life, it'll make a differencein their life as well.
And finally, I want to remindyou that you are worthy of your
own love.
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