Episode Transcript
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Jerry Henderson (00:00):
Hello everybody
and welcome to this episode of
the Permission to Love podcast.
I'm your host, jerry Henderson,and, as always, I'm so grateful
that you're here.
Now, in today's episode, we'regoing to do something a little
bit differently.
I'm going to be sharing on thispodcast a course that I
developed around learning how tolove yourself, and because this
(00:20):
course has been so impactfulfor so many of the people who
have listened to it, I wanted touse this platform of the
podcast to get it out even more.
Now there is a 37-page workbookthat goes with the content of
the course.
So if you want access to thatworkbook, just simply see the
show notes in this episode andyou'll see a link there where
(00:42):
you can download the fullworkbook.
So, with all of that in mind,let's jump into part one of this
two-part series around thecourse of learning how to love
yourself.
Hello and welcome to this courseon learning how to love
yourself, and I titled it thatway on purpose, because
self-love is something that youcan learn to do.
(01:02):
So, way to go, I want to saythank you for being here and
thank you for investing inyourself by learning how to love
yourself.
Now, before we move on, thefirst thing I want to ask you to
do is to set your intention forwhat you want to get out of
this course, because setting anintention is a powerful thing.
It opens us up.
(01:23):
It can keep you connected toyour why behind why you decided
that you wanted to take thiscourse.
So let's just take a moment,reconnect with that intention.
What are you hoping to get outof it?
Just take a moment and centeryourself in that.
Now the other thing I'm goingto ask you to do is to hold on
(01:44):
to that intention throughoutthis course.
Keep coming back to it, because, once again, intentions are a
very powerful thing.
Now, what are we going to becovering in this course?
Well, first I want to share alittle bit of my story and why I
do the work that I do.
We'll also then talk about whatis self-love.
We'll also talk about whatself-love is not, and then we'll
talk about what is self-love.
We'll also talk about whatself-love is not, and then we'll
(02:04):
talk about what blocksself-love, and then what happens
in our life when self-love isblocked.
And then, finally, we're goingto talk about learning how to
love yourself, the practicalthings that you can do to start
practicing self-love.
So a little bit about me.
I'm a Master CertifiedTransformational Life Coach,
which means I'm passionate abouthelping people transform their
(02:26):
lives by transforming theirrelationship with themselves,
and one of the key things thathelps people transform their
relationship with themselves islearning how to love themselves.
I'm an author, I'm a speakerand I'm the host of the
Permission to Love podcast.
I hold an MBA in globalmanagement.
I'm currently finishing mymaster's in psychology degree at
(02:47):
Harvard University.
So why do I do the work that Ido?
I do it because I'm sopassionate about helping people
heal their relationship withthemselves and become the
highest version of themselves,to go through a process of
self-transformation, and thereason I'm so passionate about
it is because of my story andwhat happened in my life as I
(03:09):
learned to heal my relationshipwith myself.
You know, I grew up in a veryabusive home and experienced a
lot of childhood trauma.
I also grew up in poverty onthe US welfare system and moved
around all over the place, woundup going to 17 different
schools.
And what happened to me as aresult of experiencing all of
those things is I developed adeep sense of shame.
(03:31):
I carried the belief that therewas something wrong with me,
that I was a problem that neededto be fixed and I really
struggled with that self-hatred,that self-loathing and
everything that shame bringswith it.
And as a result of carrying allthat shame, I went on to try to
achieve my way out of the waythat I felt about myself.
(03:51):
I went on to pursue multipledegrees I still pursue degrees
but from a very different placeat this point.
I then went on to philanthropywork and raised over a billion
dollars for the global poor.
Now on the outside I looked likeI had it all together, but on
the inside I was falling apart,didn't like myself, carried so
much shame, had such a harshinner critic that was so
(04:16):
relentless.
That then led to me picking upalcohol as a way to cope with
myself.
I often tell people I drank inorder to escape my own presence.
Drank in order to escape my ownpresence.
And then all of thatworkaholism, alcoholism, all of
the messages and the storiesdrove me to a place of burnout
and it drove me to an 18-monthperiod where my life basically
(04:37):
fell apart.
During that 18-month period, Ihad a heart attack, open-heart
surgery, started going through asecond divorce and then also
wound up in rehab two differenttimes over that 18-month period.
Now, my last day in rehab, onthat final day when I was
graduating from the program, wasa part of a ceremony that they
(04:57):
did for those who were moving on, who were graduating, and what
they did was they took a stoneand this is the actual stone
that was used as a part of mygraduation ceremony and each
person who was a part of mycohort or a part of the group
that I was there with took thestone and they said something
encouraging about me into thestone.
(05:19):
And then they passed it aroundthe room and then, finally, the
stone made its way into my hands, and what I was supposed to do
in that moment was to saysomething encouraging about
myself into the stone.
And in that moment,spontaneously, as I took the
stone, I looked at it and I saidthese words I am worthy of my
(05:42):
own love.
I mean, I'd never said thosewords before, but when I said it
, something shifted inside of me.
Saying those words into thislittle stone, it somehow gave me
the permission to open myselfup to loving myself, and I
genuinely felt something shiftinside of me.
It was like something brokeopen, just a crack.
(06:04):
When that crack broke openinside of me.
It then caused me to go on ajourney of understanding
self-love.
What is it?
How does it work?
How do you develop it?
It also set me on a journey tounderstand the sources of shame
that I had, both religious andchildhood trauma that I had
carried for over 40 years.
(06:25):
And what I realized through allof that work of learning and
growing was that that traumathat I experienced had broken my
relationship with myself.
It had separated me from my ownlove.
You know we talk a lot abouthow trauma is not what happens
to you, but it's what happens inyou.
And one of the things that oftenhappens in us is that we make a
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decision that we're not lovable, that there's something wrong
with us, that we're broken, andthen we'll wind up carrying that
message with us our whole livesif something doesn't change.
But the good news is isself-love can begin to heal that
broken relationship that youhave with yourself.
It can begin to let you seethat there's nothing wrong with
(07:09):
you.
There's never been anythingwrong with you.
You had experiences that thenatural outcome of those
experiences is for you to feelthe way that you feel is for you
to struggle with self-love, andthat's okay.
It doesn't mean that you'rebroken, and you can learn to
love yourself, heal yourrelationship with yourself, and
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that is why I do the work that Ido.
And it all started with thislittle stone and me saying those
words into it that were sotransformational for me that now
my hope through the coachingthat I do, the podcast that I do
and things like this that I isto help other people awaken to
the fact of how much power theyhave to heal the relationship
(07:52):
with themselves.
All right, let's now talk aboutwhat self-love is, and we're
going to start by talking aboutwhat self-love is not.
Self-love is not selfishness.
It is not narcissism.
It is not ignoring yourresponsibilities.
It is not a constant indulgenceor self-coddling.
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It is also not avoidingchallenges, and these are some
of the reasons why people areresistant to self-love.
One they don't want to beconsidered selfish, or they
might have a religiousbackground that looks at
self-love as something that'ssinful or bad.
They also might be associatingself-love with narcissism, and
we're going to talk here in aminute how those are two very
different things.
But they might have alsowatched people who, under the
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term of self-love, startedignoring their responsibilities,
started avoiding challenges andnot doing the things that they
had some responsibility to do,and so what I want to set the
foundation for here is thatself-love is not weak, self-love
does not cause us to abandonthe important things in our life
, and it's also not selfish ornarcissistic.
(08:54):
So now let's talk about what isself-love.
Self-love is an individual'scapacity for positive regard,
self-acceptance and care foroneself.
It encompasses self-compassion,self-respect and recognizes our
intrinsic worth, that we areworthy of love because we exist,
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because we're on this planet,because we are human.
We don't have to do anything todeserve our own love.
Now it also involvesmaintaining a healthy
self-concept, engaging inbehaviors that promote
psychological well-being andestablishes boundaries that
protect our emotional health.
Now, clinically, self-love isassociated with things like
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resilience, adaptive copingmechanisms and lower
susceptibility to mental healthdisorders such as depression,
anxiety and low self-esteem.
It is distinct from narcissismas it fosters balanced
self-awareness, so we're able tohold a sense that, yes, we have
(10:01):
things that we need to improveabout ourselves, but we can love
and accept ourselves and havecompassion with ourselves, even
in the recognition that we havesome flaws, where narcissism is
actually one of the deepestforms of shame.
Dr Brene Brown talks about itthat way in her research around
shame.
A narcissist is not practicingself-loving behavior.
(10:24):
They're actually compensatingfor shame, and they're doing
that by creating all of thisdamage in other people's lives
and all these control mechanismsthat they put in place.
So it is not at all aboutself-love.
Now, the other thing that makesself-love distinct from
narcissism is that it actuallyhelps you become more empathetic
towards other people.
(10:45):
As you learn to love yourself,you show empathy towards
yourself, you're able to givethat empathy to others and
you're more aware of the empathythat other people need Very
different than narcissism.
So now let's talk about whatblocks self-love in our life.
And number one childhood traumaand attachment issues that come
from childhood trauma.
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The research shows that when wehave experiences of neglect,
abuse or inconsistent caregiving, it can lead to insecure
attachment styles, and what canhappen from that is that we can
begin to feel unworthy of love.
We can then develop a veryactive inner critic and we're
always beating ourselves upbecause we believe that we
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deserve it and we're actuallyinternalizing the messages of
our caregivers, and then we canbelieve that we're inherently
flawed.
So if you're experiencing thatonce again, a normal response to
abnormal situations and thebeautiful thing is is self-love
can begin to heal that sensethat you're fundamentally flawed
.
It really truly can.
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And the second thing that canhinder self-love can begin to
heal that sense that you'refundamentally flawed.
It really truly can.
Now, the second thing that canhinder self-love are the things
that come out of that trauma,which are those negative core
beliefs and those cognitivedistortions or those errors in
the way that we think or that wesee things.
Research shows that persistentnegative beliefs about ourselves
, such as I'm not good enough,I'm broken, I don't deserve love
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, can inhibit our ability toaccept ourselves.
And then cognitive distortions,like all or nothing thinking or
that catastrophizing thinking,can contribute to self-defeating
thoughts, which can thenreinforce the thoughts and the
feelings that we're not worthyof love.
Now the other thing that blocksself-love is that internalized
(12:30):
criticism that comes from thosecore beliefs and then the
self-sabotaging behavior thatcan happen as a result of that
self-criticism.
So the inner critic, that harsh, self-judging internal voice,
can wind up dominating yourperception of yourself and that
can lead to a chronicdissatisfaction and a lot of
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self-blame.
And when that's happening, wecan then get into
self-sabotaging behaviors.
And self-sabotage is reallyabout you trying to serve
yourself.
You're trying to pull yourselfback to what you feel worthy of,
and in self-sabotaging yourself, you're trying to reinforce
your negative self-views thatyou have of yourself and realign
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your life to what you believethat you're worthy of.
Now, the next thing that canblock self-love is shame, and it
does a great job of it.
Shame, the belief that you'refundamentally bad or unworthy,
can deeply block self-love, andit's different from guilt.
Right, guilt says I didsomething that I'm not really
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feeling good about, or somethingthat I'm not proud of, or I did
something bad and I want tochange it.
It's action-focused I did anaction that I don't feel good
about when, on the other hand,shame says I'm bad, I'm
something that's wrong, andshame actually targets the self,
which can lead to chronicself-rejection.
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And how in the world are wegoing to learn how to love
ourselves if we're constantlyrejecting ourselves?
And the good news is, shame canbe healed, and one of the ways
that we heal shame is bylearning how to love ourselves.
Now, the next thing that canblock self-love is a lack of
boundaries and people-pleasing.
Why?
Because if we have difficultysetting boundaries, which is
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often stemming from a fear ofrejection or abandonment, this
is going to lead to usoverextending ourselves to get
the validation that we're notable to give to ourselves, which
, then is going to undermineyour own self-worth.
Why?
Because you're abandoningyourself all the time.
You become so desperate for thelove of others and their
acceptance that you're lettingthem walk all over you.
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You're self-abandoning, as Isaid, and then none of that is
going to let you feel good aboutyourself and, of course, it's
going to be hard for you to loveyourself when you see yourself
engaging in ways that'sdevaluing yourself.
Now, the next thing that canblock self-love is societal and
cultural conditioning.
Okay, what happens is we seeall of these things out there,
(15:02):
that we're trying to compareourselves to these unrealistic
standards of beauty, theseunrealistic expectations for
success.
And when we're getting into thecomparison game and we're
trying to compare our worth towhat we see somebody else
reflecting and, by the way,we're only seeing what they want
us to see it's absolutely goingto reinforce feelings of
inadequacy and it's going tolead to lower self-esteem.
All the research is very clearon this.
(15:24):
The comparison trap issomething that's going to make
it very hard for us to acceptourselves and to love ourselves.
So now let's talk about theimpact that it has on us when
we're separated from our ownlove.
Number one mental health.
Issues like depression andanxiety are going to start
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showing up in our lives, becauseif we're in there beating
ourselves up, criticizingourselves, the research shows us
that it's going to lead tofeelings of sadness and
hopelessness and fear.
It's really going to start toconstrict us.
When we feel that way aboutourselves, the next thing it's
going to do is it's going toincrease our risk for self-harm
(16:06):
and suicidality.
And I just want to take amoment and just say something to
you If you need help, pleaseget the help that you need.
There's no shame in gettinghelp.
We all need help and you'reworthy of help, and so if you're
struggling with wanting to harmyourself or if you're having
(16:27):
suicidal thoughts, please getthe help that you need.
There's all kinds of resourcesthat are available for people
who are struggling in this space.
I also want to take a moment andI want to speak to the men,
because men are often some ofthe last of us to try to get the
help that we need.
Why?
Because our culture tells usthat trying to get help or
(16:48):
admitting that we're strugglingwith things like shame or
depression or self-hatred makesus weak and we're afraid of the
shame, of having shame, but Iwant to tell you that if you
need help, there's nothing weakabout getting help, and it's
worth the risk of somebody elseshaming you for you to get the
help that you need.
(17:08):
You are worth it.
Men often suffer in silencemore than any other group
because of the fear of what itmeans to be vulnerable, to
express themselves and to askfor help, and I'm telling you,
from one man to another who hadto reach out and get help, that
it's okay to, you're worth itand it can absolutely change
(17:30):
your life.
Okay, okay, so let's go aheadand move on to the next thing
that might start to show up,which is chronic stress and
burnout.
We feel like our worth is basedon what we do, and we have to
try to prove ourselves to beworthy of love.
We're going to push ourselves.
We're going to get on thatachievement treadmill.
We're going to wind up gettingburned out.
We're going to feel like weneed to work ourselves to death.
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Why?
Because we feel like we need toget the love and acceptance of
other people and in order to getthat, we got to do all this
stuff and I'm telling you it'sjust going to burn you out, and
a lot of the clients I work withare either trying to avoid
burnout or come back fromburnout because of this exact
scenario, and one of the thingswe do is begin to work on their
relationship with themselves.
How can they learn to lovethemselves and accept themselves
so that they're okay evenwithout their achievements?
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Now the next thing we want totalk about are relationship
struggles.
When we struggle to loveourselves, we're naturally going
to struggle to have good andhealthy relationships.
Why?
Because we're going to get intopatterns of codependency and
people pleasing because we areso desperate for their love.
The other thing is we're goingto choose toxic relationships,
because we're going to chooserelationships at the level that
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we believe that we're worthy of,and we're also going to choose
relationships that reinforce theway that we believe that we're
worthy of, and we're also goingto choose relationships that
reinforce the way that we feelabout ourselves.
So we're going to choose peoplewho treat us the way that we
treat ourselves.
If we're in there beatingourselves up, we're going to
choose people that are toxictowards us as well, because it
feels comfortable for us.
Now the next thing is we'regoing to have difficulty with
intimacy and trust, because if Idon't feel good about myself
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and I feel like, if you reallyknew me, that you wouldn't like
me I'm going to hide myself fromyou, because if I'm in here
rejecting myself, I'm prettysure that you're going to reject
me if you see the authentic me.
So I'm going to keeprelationships at a distance, and
what's going to happen withthat is I can be surrounded by
100 people and still feel alone,and that loneliness is then
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going to lead to a sense ofisolation, which is going to
reinforce the fact that you'reall alone, that you're not
lovable, that you're not worthlove, and that just keeps the
cycle going.
Superficial relationships,because if I don't trust people
to know who I am and I thinkthat they're going to judge me
I'm going to keep myself prettywell locked down and people are
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going to say things like well, Iknow you, but I don't really
know you, and then you're goingto feel unknown, unseen, which
once again just keeps the senseof isolation and loneliness
going.
And so for us to have authenticrelationships, we're going to
have to figure out how to beauthentic with ourselves, and
self-love can help us do that.
Now, the next thing that canhappen is we can start having
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physical health consequences.
We might neglect self-carebecause that lack of self-love
doesn't allow us to prioritizeourselves.
So we're not exercising, we'renot eating right, we're
abandoning ourselves and puttingeverybody else in front of us
and so we're not taking care ofus, which can then lead to
chronic illness and immunedysfunction because of all that
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stress that we're carrying.
It's going to have an impact onour nervous system, it's going
to weaken our immune system andthat's going to increase our
vulnerability to these kind ofconditions, and so not loving
ourselves and not taking care ofourselves is going to have an
impact on our health.
The next thing it can do is itcan lead to addictions.
We have an increased risk of it.
Why?
Because we're trying to quietthe voice of shame, or we're
(21:01):
trying to cope with the way thatwe feel about ourselves, or
we're trying to escape our corebeliefs about ourselves and try
to give ourselves a refuge fromall of that through addictive
substances and addictivebehaviors.
We'll wind up doing what I did,which was me drinking in order
for me to tolerate my ownpresence.
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We wind up trying to escapeourselves.
Now the next thing that canhappen is that we can have
impaired personal andprofessional growth.
Why?
Because when we have a sense offailure because failure doesn't
mean that I failed at a task,it means that I'm a failure or
we then have a high sense ofperfectionism because we don't
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want people to see who we reallyare.
So we have to project an imageand then try to maintain and
live up to that image.
All of that can be stifling toour creativity and can keep us
from taking the risks that canlead to self-expansion Because
of the way that we feel aboutourselves.
It actually causes us to playsmall instead of living up to
(22:03):
our full potential.
Another thing is that we thenget into under achievement and
self-sabotage.
If you don't believe thatyou're worthy of success, you're
not going to reach for it.
If you don't believe thatyou're worthy of good things,
you're going to sabotage themout of your life when they show
up.
Now the next thing is that itcan lead to workaholism and
(22:24):
burnout, like we talked about,and this compensation for the
way that we feel about ourselvescan lead to chronic stress,
workaholism and here's the thingabout that that's going to lead
to burnout.
That is not sustainable.
It can help in the short termright, really pushing and trying
to achieve can help us climb aladder, but here's the thing
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that ladder, at some point hasno more rungs in it and then you
find yourself alone, burned out, don't know what to do.
It will not allow you tomaintain long-term success.
If you're running after successin order to heal yourself.
Your achievements will not healyou.
They're not designed to, butyou know what can Learning how
(23:10):
to love yourself.
All right, so now let's talkabout the next thing, which we
can wind up having some prettychallenging existential and
emotional challenges.
We can wind up with a loss ofmeaning and purpose, because if
I don't ever feel like I'm lovedand if I never feel connection
and I'm not able to connect withthe things that are important
(23:30):
to me, because without a senseof self-worth, we might struggle
to find purpose and fulfillmentin our life, which is going to
lead us to be disconnected fromlife itself, and that can wind
up leading to a loss of meaningand purpose in our lives.
Now, the next thing that canhappen is a constant struggle
with guilt and shame.
We talked a little bit aboutshame earlier, but if we don't
(23:53):
deal with this, we're going tocontinue to have this persistent
feeling of shame and guilt,making it difficult to
experience joy and trueself-acceptance.
And self-acceptance has beenfound to be a powerful part of
building resilience andsustaining a life that is happy
and has a sense of overallwell-being.
(24:15):
Now, the last thing I'll talkabout in this area is that we
can get disconnected from ourauthentic self.
We may not even know who we areanymore.
We've worn so many masks to tryto get the approval of other
people, we've played so manycharacters that we don't know
who we are.
And trying to connect with ourauthentic self, it's really
tough because we're alwayshiding our authentic self and
(24:37):
we're afraid that if otherpeople see it, as we talked
about earlier, they're going toreject us, and then we're
self-rejecting and then we're sodisconnected, as we talked
about earlier, that trauma willseparate us from ourselves and
it'll separate us from our love,and one of the things that can
start to reconnect us to ourauthentic self is learning how
to love ourselves.
(24:58):
Now the next thing that happensis we wind up with reduced
resilience and coping capacities.
Why?
Because we have all of thisstress in our lives and then
we're judging ourselves andwe're fighting with ourselves
and we're using all of thisenergy internally.
And here's the thing Self-loveactually acts as a buffer.
It acts as a protective factoragainst stress.
(25:20):
And here's the thing aboutstress Stress isn't bad, and the
research shows that when weperceive stress as bad and we
perceive that we don't have thecapacity to deal with stress
because we're shaming ourselvesand beating ourselves up, it's
going to reduce our resilienceand it's going to cause stress
to even be worse in our lives.
And no wonder you're strugglingto deal with stress when you're
(25:40):
also in there giving yourselfso much stress as well.
Now the next thing that happensis we get increased
vulnerability to externalcriticism.
Right?
Because if I'm in there beatingmyself up internal judgment,
then I wind up being verysusceptible to other people's
judgment towards me.
Why?
Because it's confirming the waythat I feel about myself.
(26:00):
It's increasing my levels ofinsecurity about myself, and
then I'm much more likely tointernalize their criticism and
believe that it's true about me.
I mean, think about it.
You're going to have fivepeople say something positive
about you.
You have one person who sayssomething negative about you.
You're going to gravitatetowards the negative.
I know that's somewhat humanbehavior, but it's actually so
(26:22):
much more acute in people whodon't love themselves who don't
practice self-love because theydon't have the buffer to be able
to put things in context to go.
It's just the opinion of oneperson, and so learning to love
ourselves can really help as aprotective factor against
internalizing other people'scriticism.
I really hope you enjoyed thefirst part of the course on
(26:46):
learning how to love yourself.
Now, next week, we're going topick up the rest of the course
and we're going to dive into thepractical ways that you can
start practicing self-love inyour life.
Now, if you feel stuck in thisarea and you've been trying
things and you can't quite seemto get a breakthrough and you're
interested in one-on-onecoaching and how that can help
(27:06):
you see some breakthroughs inthis area, I want to encourage
you.
Go to my website,jerryhendersonorg, or simply see
the show notes in this episode.
Set up a free strategy call andduring that call, talk about
where you're at, where you wantto be, and see if working
together is the right fit to getyou there.
Now I want to ask you to dosomething.
(27:26):
If these episodes are reallyhelping you and the Permission
to Love podcast is having animpact in your life, would you
take a moment and leave a review, because the more reviews we
get, the more likely people areto discover the podcast and the
more likely they're going tofind the help that they need in
learning how to have a healthyand thriving relationship with
themselves, and so you play animportant part in that.
(27:49):
So I just want to invite you toleave a review if you haven't
done that yet, and I want to saythank you in advance.
Now, the other thing I want toinvite you to do is to share
this podcast with somebody else.
If you've not yet had a chanceto do that, you can simply click
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You can share it on your socialmedia platforms, or you can
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(28:10):
It'll make a difference intheir life as well, so thank you
for sharing this podcast withthe people that are a part of
your life.
Thank you for joining me forthis episode, and I want to
remind you, as always, that youare worthy of your own love.