February 10, 2025 • 43 mins
Have you ever felt like your nervous system is stuck in overdrive, constantly caught in fight-or-flight mode?
In this episode, we explore how self-criticism keeps us in a cycle of stress and anxiety, and how self-compassion can help regulate our nervous system, allowing us to feel safe and at peace.
We look at the science behind self-judgment, its impact on the brain, and why self-compassion is one of the most effective ways to rewire our stress response.
You’ll also learn practical strategies for cultivating self-compassion and shifting from self-criticism to self-support.
If you’ve been feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or trapped in patterns of self-doubt, this episode is for you.
In This Episode, You’ll Learn:
- Why self-criticism keeps your nervous system in a state of stress
- The neuroscience behind self-compassion and how it rewires your brain
- How self-judgment triggers the fight-or-flight response
- Why your brain perceives self-criticism as an actual threat
- Practical self-compassion exercises to help you calm your nervous system
- How self-compassion increases resilience and emotional stability
Links & Resources:
- 💡 Coaching with Jerry – Book a free 60-minute coaching session: www.jerryhenderson.org
- 🎧 Subscribe & Follow – Never miss an episode!
If this episode resonated with you, share it with a friend.
00:00 Introduction – Why self-compassion is crucial for nervous system regulation
01:35 Practicing self-compassion in real time – A personal story
03:23 The connection between inner dialogue and your nervous system
05:17 Understanding the nervous system: Fight-or-flight vs. rest-and-regulate
06:57 How self-criticism activates stress responses in the brain
07:45 The HPA axis: Why stress stays “stuck on”
08:44 Research: How self-judgment increases anxiety and burnout
10:30 The cycle of self-criticism, stress, and unhealthy coping mechanisms
13:17 The “stress waterline” – How inner dialogue raises your stress threshold
15:07 Coaching invitation: How mindset work can help
18:09 Understanding why self-criticism feels “safe” – Trauma and hypervigilance
20:03 Why your brain perceives criticism as a survival strategy
25:30 The neuroscience of self-compassion: How it calms the nervous system
28:45 The link between self-compassion, emotional regulation, and resilience
32:17 Why self-compassion improves decision-making and self-
I am grateful you are here,
Jerry
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Your system feels unsafe.
If you're not criticizingyourself, your system feels
comfortable in feelinguncomfortable.
You might say, no man, I don'tfeel comfortable feeling
uncomfortable.
Well, I get that.
I understand that because Idon't either, but yet there is a
part of us right that keepsbringing us back to us.
(00:21):
So ask yourself the questionwhy do you keep finding yourself
back into self-criticism?
Why do you keep findingyourself back into that state of
fight or flight?
Why does it feel like theswitch is stuck on?
As we talked about earlier, itis stuck on and your system does
not feel safe, feeling safe.
(00:41):
Hello everybody, and welcome tothis episode of the Permission
to Love podcast.
I'm your host, jerry Henderson,and, as always, I am so
grateful that you're here today.
Today, we're going to betalking about how the way that
you treat yourself is connectedto feeling like you're in a
constant state of fight orflight, and then how
self-compassion can actuallyhelp regulate your nervous
(01:05):
system and bring you out of thatfeeling of being in fight or
flight mode all of the time.
Now, I recently did anInstagram post on this topic and
it resonated with so many ofyou that I actually wanted to do
a full episode on it tounderstand the research behind
it, understand why all of thatis happening, and then how to
move you from that space throughthe practice of self-compassion
(01:28):
.
Now, in this episode, I amgetting to practice what I
preach.
I just spent well over an hourhere in the studio recording
this episode and was almost donewith it, but you know what
happened?
We realized that my microphonewasn't turned on and so I
(01:49):
recorded an entire episode andthen now have to start all over
doing this.
And what happened at first?
When I realized that microphonewasn't on and I spent all that
time recording this and sayingall the things that I thought
were pretty smart and realizedthat none of it was actually
recorded, I got flooded with alot of emotions and I had to
(02:10):
step back and I had to just givemyself compassion not get into
a space of self-judgment andfrustration and realize that I
want the best version of me toshow up and allow
self-compassion to regulate mysystem, get me back here behind
this microphone and get thisepisode recorded for you, the
listener.
And isn't that interesting howlife shows up to give us the
(02:33):
opportunity to put into practicewhat we're sharing with others.
So here we are, and I know thatthis is going to be a powerful
episode for you today.
Now, before we continue on, ifyou've not yet had a chance to
subscribe or to follow thispodcast, I want to encourage you
to take a moment to do that,because that's going to keep you
updated when new episodes comeout.
Now the other thing is, ifyou've not yet had a chance to
(02:56):
share this with somebody, I wantto ask you to do that.
That would mean the world to me, and it will continue to grow,
this community of where we'relearning how to have a healthy
relationship with ourselves bygiving ourselves the permission
to love ourselves, by practicingself-compassion, etc.
So, if you know of somebody whocould benefit from the content
of this podcast and this episode, share it with somebody,
(03:18):
because if it's making adifference in your life, it'll
make a difference in their lifeas well.
All right.
So let's get back into this.
You know, many people don'trealize just how much that inner
dialogue that they have intheir mind is affecting their
nervous system.
And now, while we're focusingtoday on the inner dialogue that
we have towards ourself, aroundself-criticism and shame, etc.
(03:42):
It also connects and relates toruminating about the past,
catastrophizing about the future.
I mean.
Think about it.
When you're thinking aboutsomebody who said something to
you and all of a sudden you getall of those emotions that are
happening and all of thechemicals that are being
released as you think about whatthey said, what you should have
(04:04):
said to them, and then whatyou're going to say to them when
you see them.
All of that is tweaking outyour nervous system.
So that inner dialogue whetherit's self-criticism, shame, or
you're thinking about all thethings that happened that you
wished hadn't happened or youwish did happen, or you're
fearing the future all of that'shaving a big toll.
(04:26):
We're going to talk about thattoday and we're going to talk
about how self-compassion canhelp you.
Even in the space of thinkingabout what somebody else did
that you wish that they wouldn'thave done, self-compassion is a
powerful process in helping yourelax in that space as well.
So if you're constantlycriticizing yourself, constantly
shaming, judging yourself, yourbody is going to stay in a
(04:53):
state of stress and survival.
But here's the good news If youhave the ability to do that to
yourself in the direction ofstress and survival, you can
also do that for yourself in thespace of relaxation, calm and
safety.
There is a way out of thatcycle of feeling like you're in
a constant state of fight orflight, or that low hum of
anxiety.
There is a way out of it, andone of the ways is through the
(05:16):
practice of self-compassion.
So let's start this episode bytaking a look at our nervous
system again, reviewing some ofthat.
So our autonomic nervous systemhas two branches.
It has the sympathetic nervoussystem, which triggers our fight
, flight or freeze response, andthen we also have the
parasympathetic nervous systemwhich promotes rest and
regulation.
(05:36):
Now, our amygdala, the brain'sthreat detector.
It activates that sympatheticnervous system when danger is
perceived.
I want to focus in on that wordperceived because your brain
doesn't actually differentiatebetween external threats and
internal threats, or things likeinternal self-criticism or
(06:00):
replaying a past mistake orfearing the future.
Your brain is seeing it as ifit's all happening in the now.
I mean, think about it Onceagain, using an example of if
you made a mistake in the pastand you start to relive it in
your mind, you start to get thepit in your gut, don't you?
You start to experience theflood of all of those emotions,
(06:22):
don't you?
You start to feel unsafe andyou start to beat yourself up.
You see, all of that is yourbrain going.
Wait, this is happening again.
We're reliving it again.
I need to prepare myself.
I don't feel safe, and so let'skick into the stress response,
let's get into fight or flight,because we need to be on guard.
(06:44):
And who are we on guard against?
We're on guard againstourselves.
So let's talk about theneuroscience behind why our
brains don't see a differencebetween internal and external
threats.
The research shows thatself-criticism will activate the
same neural pathways as thoseexternal threats.
(07:06):
What's happening is it'striggering the hypothalamic
pituitary adrenal axis.
Lots of words, we're going torefer to it as the HPA axis, and
so what's happening when thatsystem gets activated is it's
increasing cortisol production.
Now here's the interestingthing about the AP axis it gets
(07:26):
triggered, it releases cortisol.
Cortisol is a stress hormoneand that stress hormone is
preparing us for danger.
Now, if we're in there beatingourselves up all the time, that
HPA axis stays active and it'sreleasing a steady flow of
cortisol into our system.
Now the interesting thing aboutthe HPA axis is it's designed to
(07:49):
be a closed loop.
What do I mean?
It's designed to perceivethreat, release cortisol and
enough cortisol that, once thethreat has passed, that cortisol
goes back up to the HPA axissystem and shuts it off, but
when we're living in a state ofchronic stress, we're not
(08:11):
getting that system shut off.
The system is producing lowlevels of cortisol in our system
, but never enough to shut thesystem back off.
So when I say your system isstuck in a state of fight or
flight flight or that system islike turned on, it actually
literally is your HPA axis isnot getting shut off.
The switch is stuck in the onmode, and part of what
(08:35):
self-compassion is going to dois it's going to help turn that
switch back off.
It's going to allow yournervous system the permission to
relax.
Now another study done by Longet al in 2010, using fMRI scans,
found that harsh self-judgmentincreases activity in the
(08:55):
amygdala and reinforces the fearand stress responses, and I
find this absolutely fascinatingthat, biologically, our bodies
perceive criticism,self-judgment and shame as a
threat towards ourselves, and soit's not just even a
psychological threat, thatpsychological threat of us
(09:17):
reliving the shame, beatingourselves up, all the things
that we do to ourselves.
Our bodies are interpretingthat as not being safe.
It sees you beating yourself upas a threat, and so it turns on
all of your threat responsesystems, and so no wonder you
(09:37):
feel like you're in a constantstate of fight or flight, no
wonder you have that low hum ofanxiety that lives with you all
the time, and then the smallestthing sets it off, and we're
going to talk about why thathappens here in just a little
bit.
But no wonder, right, even yourbody understands that you
treating yourself that way isn'tgood for you, sees it as a
(10:00):
threat, wants to help yourespond to it.
Okay, so, when you feel allthat anxiety and the pit in the
gut about the way that you talkto yourself, that's your body's
signals to you that it's notgood for you.
All that anxiety is a lovingresponse to you to get your
attention to go.
We don't want this.
This isn't good for us, andlet's stop doing this to
(10:23):
ourselves.
And one of the ways you canstop doing it and I'll keep
saying this over and over isthrough the practice of
self-compassion.
So if we look at all thisresearch and I just quoted a
couple of things what it'stelling us is, if you're
constantly telling yourself thatyou're no good, that you're
dumb, that you're never going tobe good enough, and you're
doing all this stuff to yourself.
(10:44):
Your nervous system is going tostay on high alert, keeping you
stuck in a cycle of stress anddoubt and then keeping you in
fight or flight, and then all ofthat has some real consequences
to it, as we discussed, it'sgoing to keep increased levels
of cortisol in our system.
That's going to lead to anxiety, fatigue and inflammation.
(11:06):
It's going to cause us to havean overactive amygdala, which
makes us hypervigilant, hyperalert to perceived threats.
It's going to cause us to havedifficulty relaxing and
regulating our emotions, andit's going to lead to behaviors
that we engage in to try toescape ourselves.
Things like drinking or usingsubstances or scrolling for
(11:30):
hours and hours or seeking outrelationships as a way to soothe
ourselves.
All of those things are a wayfor us to try to escape
ourselves because we're livingwith an abuser ourselves.
All those things that we'reusing to try to self-soothe are
often connected to the way thatwe're treating ourselves.
All those things that we'reusing to try to self-soothe are
often connected to the way thatwe're treating ourselves.
So I hope you can see that, ifyou're often feeling tense or
(11:51):
exhausted and easily triggeredby the smallest of stressors,
your inner dialogue might beplaying a bigger role than you
think it is, and this is oftenthe reason for many people that
their stress waterline is sohigh, and that's one of the
things that we look at when I'mworking with people in coaching
is examining their overallstress waterline.
(12:13):
Does it feel like it's at theirneck and the smallest thing
throws it up over their head andthey feel overwhelmed and
they're confused as to why.
When their kiddo does somethingthat it just triggers them,
sets them off and they react inways that they don't want to
react.
Or when their partner says theslightest thing or gives them
the look you know, the look thatwe all know that our partner
(12:33):
has that they can give us andhow that then floods us with
emotions and we respond in waysthat we don't want to respond.
Or something small happens atthe grocery store or in traffic.
Or we're trying to do somethingand we get so frustrated with
ourselves that we can't executeon something and we start to
just beat ourselves up for it,or we're getting frustrated and
(12:56):
we're throwing the papers acrossthe room, whatever it is that's
happening, and then you'rewondering to yourself why in the
world are the smallest thingssetting me off?
Why am I allowing myself to getso bent out of shape?
Why am I carrying this constantagitation?
Listen, a big part of it.
(13:17):
If you're a person who dealswith a lot of inner criticism
and you treat yourself poorly,your waterline of stress is
really high.
Why?
Because you're in therestressing yourself out.
You're triggering all thethings that we talked about
earlier.
Right, your brain's releasingcortisol to defend itself
against you.
Your amygdala is really activebecause it's in hypervigilance,
(13:39):
and so of course, that's addingto a higher waterline of stress
for you.
And practicing self-compassionis going to help bring down your
overall stress, because you'renot going to be at war with
yourself.
You're not going to have thatadditional stress layered on
work stress, family stress, lifestress, finance stress or
(14:00):
whatever those things are.
When you practiceself-compassion, you're draining
out some of that stress becauseyou're at ease with yourself,
you're making you a safe spacefor yourself, you're allowing
yourself to begin to relax moreand it's increasing your
(14:20):
resilience levels.
Why?
Because you have more marginnow to handle stress from other
things, and that's exactly whatpracticing self-compassion is
going to do.
It's gonna take that waterlineof stress from your neck.
It's gonna take it down, maybedown to your chest, maybe down
to your waist, wherever, andthen you're going to find
yourself with more energy todeal with things, because how
(14:45):
much energy does it take to bein there beating yourself up all
the time, to be fightingagainst yourself?
I mean that's a lot of energy.
That's a lot of stress that'shaving an impact on your nervous
system, and when you reducethat, you're going to have more
energy, you're going to havemore capacity to deal with other
things in your life.
(15:07):
I want to take a moment beforewe go on with the rest of this
podcast episode and I want toask you a question.
Do you currently feel stuck?
Are you feeling trapped inself-doubt, low self-esteem?
Maybe you've lost yourconfidence?
Maybe you're burning out, oryou already have burned out
because of the pressure to besomebody that you're not?
Are you wrestling with thatrelentless inner critic?
(15:29):
Are you dealing with impostersyndrome?
Are you struggling with otherlimiting beliefs and do you feel
like you have a limited mindset?
Well, if you do struggle withthose things, you're not alone.
So many of us carry thoselimiting beliefs that keep us
playing small, that keep thelife that we want just outside
of our reach, and we stay stuckin self-sabotaging patterns even
(15:52):
though we know we're meant formore.
The research is so clear onthis that we can change our
mindsets.
We can move from a fixedmindset to a growth mindset.
We don't have to stay stuck.
Your brain has the capacity torewire itself and there are some
simple strategies that you canuse to change your mindset, to
(16:14):
move you from all of thosenegative and limiting beliefs to
empowering and life-givingbeliefs.
And when we do that, we totallytransform our lives.
And that's exactly why I createdthe coaching program that I
have.
It's designed to help you breakfree from those patterns.
It's designed to help youconnect with yourself, to begin
(16:36):
to believe in yourself, to healthe relationship that you have
with yourself, so that you canstart creating the life and the
relationships that you want tohave.
And here's the great thingabout coaching the research
shows that 80% of people who getinvolved in coaching report
increased self-confidence, andover 70% of those individuals
(16:59):
saw improvements in their workperformance, their relationships
, their self-esteem in theirwork performance, their
relationships, their self-esteem, their communication skills,
etc.
Coaching is one of the bestinvestments that you can make in
yourself.
Now, during the program, we'dwork one-on-one together to help
you identify those limitingbeliefs and those patterns and
then begin to rewire thosebeliefs into something that's
(17:21):
actually serving you.
During the program, we'll alsowork on building real confidence
, building resilience, learningthe principles of what creates a
happy life, and we'll work onputting a plan together for the
goals that you have, but doingit in a way that's grounded in
self-compassion and that won'tcause you to burn out.
So if you'd like to connectwith me and learn more, you can
(17:44):
set up a free, no obligationone-on-one coaching call where
we can get to know each otherand see if working together is
the right fit.
If you're ready to take thatstep, go to my website at
jerryhendersonorg or you cansimply see the show notes in
this episode.
I'm looking forward toconnecting with you and learning
(18:08):
more about you Now.
One more thing I want to addressand I think it's really
important to address before weget into talking about
self-compassion as a way to helprelax us and get us out of
fight or flight is to help youunderstand that there's nothing
wrong with you if you're upthere beating yourself up,
judging yourself.
There's nothing wrong with youif you're up there beating
yourself up, judging yourself.
There's nothing wrong with youif you're stuck in a constant
state of anxiety and fight orflight all the time.
(18:28):
I know it can feel that way,right that nobody else
understands it.
You feel uniquely broken andwhy can't you heal that space in
your life?
Can I just encourage you for amoment that that has been
serving you and self-compassionis going to help.
You see how it has been servingyou Because if you experienced
trauma or if you were in a toxicrelationship, you needed to be
(18:50):
in fight or flight.
You might have needed to betelling yourself that there was
something wrong with you.
You might have needed to behypercritical of yourself and
judging why, so that you couldfigure out how to fix yourself
so that you'd stop experiencingthe pain.
We've talked about this inother episodes, particularly in
the one where we talked aboutthat.
There's nothing wrong with youand I'd encourage you, if you
(19:11):
haven't yet, go listen to thatepisode because it can be really
helpful in this space.
Here's the truth.
If you needed that in survivalmode and you got wired to do
that, you're going to continueto want to do it and your system
feels unsafe.
If you're not criticizingyourself, your system feels
(19:31):
comfortable in feelinguncomfortable.
You might say, no, man, I don'tfeel comfortable feeling
uncomfortable.
Well, I get that.
I understand that because Idon't either.
But yet there is a part of usright that I understand that,
because I don't either.
But yet there is a part of usright that keeps bringing us
back to us.
So ask yourself the questionwhy do you keep finding yourself
back into self-criticism?
Why do you keep findingyourself back into that state of
(19:53):
fight or flight?
Why does it feel like theswitch is stuck on right, as we
talked about earlier?
It is stuck on and your systemdoes not feel safe.
Feeling safe Because in the past, if you allowed yourself to
feel safe, you weren'thypervigilant.
Something bad happened and yourbrain connected feeling safe or
(20:14):
not being hypervigilant asbeing unsafe.
And so now, even if the threatis gone, the relationship's gone
, the abuser's gone or whateverthat was causing you to
experience the trauma that youexperienced, even if that's gone
, your brain still doesn't feelsafe, not being in hypervigilant
mode.
And so self-criticism,self-judgment, shame are ways
(20:39):
that your brain is using to keepyou in a state of
hypervigilance so that you canfeel safe, so that you can be on
guard, so that your system hasaccess to the cortisol, the
adrenaline, all of the thingsthat it needs in order to
protect itself.
(20:59):
Because, remember, all of thosestress hormones are your body's
preparation to protect itself.
Because, remember, all of thosestress hormones are your body's
preparation to protect itself.
And there's a part of you thatfeels like you need access to
those things because you neverknow when something is going to
go wrong.
And if you always feel like theshoe's going to drop, guess
what that served you at onepoint, because the shoe always
(21:20):
did drop.
And now you're alwaysanticipating the shoe to drop.
And part of what's helping youkeep in that hypervigilant mode
is the way that you're talkingto yourself, is the way that
you're treating yourself.
And so if you can make a shiftright now in this episode and
say to yourself it's not that Ijust beat myself up because
(21:41):
there's something wrong with meor something bad about me, I
deserve it.
No, it is a way that your brainhas learned to keep you in a
state of fight or flight becauseyou've had to live that way and
you developed as a copingmechanism and now your body
doesn't feel safe not havingthat.
So it uses that method to keepyou in that anxious state and
(22:06):
it's simply trying to keep yousafe.
And the practice ofself-compassion.
What that can do.
As you use it over time and youpractice it is you will become
your own safe space, your ownsafe place.
You will be able to useself-compassion as a way to
regulate your nervous system, toallow yourself to know that
(22:29):
everything's okay.
Why?
Because you're there with you,being kind to yourself, loving
towards yourself, and that's areally important part of feeling
safe.
All right, now that we've laid,I think, a pretty good
foundation about how all of thatinternal conflict can keep us
(22:49):
stuck in fight or flight, let'sstart talking about how
self-compassion can help usrewire our nervous system, get
us out of that fight or flightand help us develop greater
levels of resilience and balancein our life.
So what's the science behindself-compassion and the nervous
system?
Well, research shows us thatself-compassion activates the
ventral vagal complex and that'sa part of the parasympathetic
(23:13):
nervous system that'sresponsible for feelings of
safety and connection, as wetalked about earlier, the
ability to relax and regulate,and when this part of us is
activated, it helps regulate ourheart rate, it lowers those
stress hormones and it helpsshift the body into a more
balanced state.
Now the other thing thathappens when our parasympathetic
(23:36):
nervous system is active is.
It reduces activity in theamygdala and it also, at the
same time, is strengthening ouraccess to our prefrontal cortex
and our insula, and those arethe regions that are responsible
or are involved in ouremotional regulation,
decision-making andself-awareness.
(23:57):
Now here's something I want topoint out right, your amygdala
is your friend.
We often see it as our enemy,but we need that thing right,
because when we get into amoment of true physical danger,
our brains need that quickactivation.
It needs access to all thosestress hormones to prepare us
for that danger.
(24:18):
And one of the ways that itdoes that is it hijacks that PFC
or that prefrontal cortex,because when we have a threat,
we don't need to be sittingaround reasoning Okay, how big
is the bear?
Is it really a bear?
And I wonder if that's afriendly bear.
We don't need that in thatmoment.
What we need is quick actionand the amygdala helps us do
(24:40):
that.
In that moment, what we need isquick action and the amygdala
helps us do that.
Now the challenge is when theamygdala is overly active and it
just kind of stays on, it'sblunting our PFC, that
prefrontal cortex, our abilityto reason, our ability to
regulate, our ability to makedecisions, our ability to have
self-awareness is blunted, andso what happens is our ability
(25:01):
to see things clearly when we'rein a constant state of fight or
flight isn't really workingwell in that state.
And this is why it's often hardfor people to see that they're
worthy of love, to see thatthey're just a human being who
made a mistake, to see thatself-judgment, self-criticism
isn't going to serve them.
And it's not just because youdon't want to see it.
(25:23):
It's actually that that part ofyour brain has been blunted.
The chemicals that your stresssystem are releasing are
actually blunting that part ofyour ability to reason.
So, for example, if you've everresponded in a way that you
didn't really want to respond in, and then later, when you're
more emotionally regulated, youcan look back on it and go, wow,
I way overreacted, you see itmore clearly, right?
(25:45):
Why?
Because in the moment when youoverreacted, as a way to stay
safe, because when we yell or weget aggressive or we become
volatile or we do things thatare these reactions, they are
ways that we're trying to staysafe, and so when that's
happening, all of that system isactivated to try to keep you
(26:06):
safe.
You're not thinking straight,and then later, when you're in a
state that's more calm, you'reable to look back at it and go,
wow, I wish I wouldn't haveresponded that way.
I can see that maybe theydidn't mean it the way that I
took it, or maybe I just didn'tget a good night's sleep and
(26:29):
that's why I'm on edge.
And so what's happening in thatcontext is the amygdala is
relaxing, the PFC is coming backonline and you can reason and
see things more clearly.
Now one of the challenges, as Isaid before, if you're stuck in
that state, your reasoning partis blunted, so you don't have
as much access to things likethe ability to cognitively
reframe something.
So, instead of seeing yourselfas a loser because you didn't do
(26:51):
well on an exam or you didn'tdo well on a presentation, if
you're in a constant fight orflight space, you're going to
spiral down, because the part ofyour brain that allows you to
put that in context, to be ableto say well, just because I did
bad in a presentation or Ididn't do the best that I wanted
to do in that presentation,doesn't mean that I'm getting
fired next week, doesn't meanall these bad things about me.
(27:15):
It just simply means thepresentation didn't go the way
that I wanted it to and seethat's your ability to have
perspective, to reframe it andthen begin to pull yourself out
of that spiral.
But when your amygdala ishypervigilant, it's going to
keep that part of yourself thathas the ability to reason and
think that through clearlyblunted.
(27:36):
So I want you to see that justbecause you're struggling to see
things in the way that youthink you should be able to see
them, and just because you don'thave the ability to emotionally
regulate the way that you'dwant to, and that your decision
making isn't as clear as you'dlike it to be, it's not because
there's something wrong with you.
It's because you're in aconstant state of fight or
(27:57):
flight.
Your amygdala's active and it'sdoing what it's supposed to do,
blunting that part of yourbrain that has the ability to do
all of those processes.
And once the amygdala starts torelax through practices like
self-compassion, you're going tofind you're able to see things
(28:17):
differently.
You're able to see yourselfdifferently.
You're able to see thebeautiful parts of yourself, not
just the bad parts of yourself.
Right, because if you're in astate that has taught you that
you need to see what's wrongwith you so that you can fix
yourself, so that you don't gethurt.
Once that part starts to relax,you'll actually now begin to
have access to see the part ofyourself that's beautiful,
(28:40):
that's worthy, that's loving,that's kind.
And in some ways, having thatPFC blunted is keeping you safe
and, in some ways, not seeingall of those good things about
you is keeping you safe.
But when you start to feel moresafe in your own presence,
you'll begin to access thoseparts of yourself.
(29:00):
Now, the other thing that'salso going to start happening
when you start to shift is it'sgoing to increase your
resilience.
As we talked about earlier, thewaterline of stress goes down.
It's also going to increaseyour ability to trust yourself,
because, think about it and Ihear this a lot in coaching I
don't trust myself, I don'ttrust my decisions and I just
kind of, overall, do not trustmyself.
(29:21):
Why would you trust yourself ifyou're in there beating the
hell out of yourself all thetime?
I mean, would you trust anybodyelse who would treat you the
way that you're treatingyourself?
Probably not right.
And so when we start topractice self-compassion, it
opens us up to ourselves.
We begin to hear the needs thatwe actually have.
(29:43):
We begin to see that we'resomebody who we can lean on,
without self-judgment, withoutcriticism, and it actually opens
up our heart to begin to trustourselves.
So if you're struggling withself-trust, I'm going to give
you the advice that I give manyof my clients Start with
self-compassion, becauseself-compassion will change the
(30:04):
energy that you have towardsyourself.
I mean, think about it.
This is why many people stay inanalysis paralysis, because
it's not so much that they'reafraid of making a wrong choice.
They're often afraid of the waythat they're going to treat
themselves as a result of makinga choice that they don't feel
like was a good choice.
They're going to overthink thechoice.
(30:24):
They're going to keepsecond-guessing their decisions
because they're waiting for thatpart of them to jump in and say
well, that was a stupiddecision.
Why did you do that?
You always make dumb decisions.
Well, no wonder you wouldn'ttrust yourself if your system is
constantly anticipating andass-whooping from yourself.
So switching to self-compassionwill allow your system to relax
(30:48):
towards yourself and will allowyou to begin to trust yourself.
Now, another thing the researchshows is that when we begin to
practice self-compassion, we'regoing to be able to have more
emotional stability, becausewe're going to feel safer inside
, and where there's safety,there is emotional stability.
Now further research has beendone that shows that
(31:08):
self-compassion helps reduce theactivation of that HPA axis
that we talked about earlier andthat's going to allow you, like
I said, to be able to accesshigher brain functions like
creative thinking, problemsolving and connection with
other people, because if wedon't feel safe, it's really
hard to make connection, becauseconnection is done in a space
of safety.
Self-compassion is also goingto help your ability to be
(31:31):
adaptable and it's also going toallow you to access and release
feel-good chemicals likeoxytocin and endorphins, which
are going to promote relaxationand resilience.
So all the research on this isreally clear that when we stop
speaking to ourselves harshly,we start speaking to ourselves
with kindness, validating ouremotions, forgiving ourselves,
(31:56):
offering ourselves understanding.
It's going to start sendingsignals of safety to your
nervous system and by doing thaton a regular basis, you're
gonna be training your brain torespond to stress with a greater
level of resilience kindnessrather than criticism.
You're gonna be creating neuralpathways that make it easier
(32:17):
for you to navigate thedifficulties of life without
spiraling into self-judgment.
You're gonna begin to treatyourself in a way that you
really want to treat yourself,and I know that you want to
treat yourself better.
I mean, you're listening tothis podcast.
I know that you want to be moreloving towards yourself and
self-compassion is going toallow you to access that.
(32:38):
And by practicingself-compassion, you're going to
be training your brain how torespond to stress, how to
respond to mistakes, how torespond to that rumination that
you're doing and that criticismthat's happening in yourself.
You're going to be trainingyourself to begin to be more
kind to yourself.
You're actually going to becreating neural pathways that
(32:59):
your brain now has access to.
That it'll be easier for it togo to.
That allow you to not only bekinder to yourself but navigate
the difficulties and challengesof life without spiraling into
stress, without spiraling intoself-judgment.
I hope you can see how clear itis in the research that when
(33:20):
we're critical towards ourselves, when we're at war with
ourselves, we're beatingourselves up like that.
We are keeping ourselves in astate of fight or flight right.
And once again, for many of uswe don't ever make that
connection.
We just wonder what's wrongwith us and we go.
I don't know how to change it.
One of the first places you canchange it is by changing that
internal dialogue and one of theways that you change that
(33:42):
internal dialogue is bypracticing self-compassion.
And as you do that, you aretraining your brain to recognize
that you're safe and that youhave support from within, from
yourself, and once again you arebecoming your own safe space.
And with all of that, andunderstanding how
(34:03):
self-compassion works in ournervous system and why it's so
important and why it's socrucial for us to be able to
feel safe in our own presence,let's talk about practical ways
for you to practiceself-compassion.
Well, number one move into theobserver mode and notice your
self-talk without judgment.
(34:24):
That's why I talked earlierabout how negative self-talk is
often trying to serve you.
If you can see it in that way,you'll stop judging it.
And when we stop judgingourselves for having negative
self-talk, it allows us toactually start to heal it.
So, as a practice, start payingattention to how you speak to
yourself and then ask yourselfthat fundamental question would
(34:48):
you say those things to a closefriend?
And if not, then change whatyou're saying.
You might be thinking well,it's not that easy.
Well, just because it's noteasy doesn't mean that it's not
possible.
Right?
You have momentum in a certaindirection of speaking to
yourself negatively.
That's all that is, it'smomentum in a certain direction.
(35:11):
It's training, training thatyou develop to keep yourself
safe.
And so now, yes, it's going totake work to shift you towards
loving language towards yourself, but you deserve that.
And two months from now, sixmonths from now, a year from now
, you can either be better atthe way that you treat yourself
and have a more regulatednervous system, or you can stay
in the same place that you're atright now, and a lot of that's
(35:34):
going to depend on your abilityto practice self-compassion, and
one of the keys of practicingself-compassion is becoming
aware of when we're notpracticing it.
So I want to encourage youstart noticing your self-talk.
How are you speaking toyourself?
Would you say those things to aclose friend?
(35:54):
And, if not, begin to replaceit with more loving words
towards yourself.
Tell yourself you're doing thebest that you can.
Now the other thing you can dois use physical gestures or
physical touch to send signalsto yourself of comfort and
safety.
This can be as simple asplacing a hand on your heart
(36:18):
when you're telling yourselfthat you're okay, that you're
doing your best and that'senough, or placing your hand on
your heart when you're feelingstressed or you're not feeling
safe.
The research shows that thatphysical touch of you towards
yourself can actually sendsignals to your nervous system
that you're okay Now.
The other thing you can do isgive yourself a gentle hug,
(36:39):
place your arms around yourself,tell yourself that you love
yourself, that you're going tobe okay and, if it's helpful,
add some gentle patting to yourshoulders as you're doing it.
That's showing your nervoussystem that you're okay in this
moment, and the other thing it'sdoing is it's allowing you to
send love towards yourself.
(37:00):
It's really hard to bejudgmental towards ourselves
when we're hugging ourselves,when we're soothing ourselves
with physical touch.
It disrupts that act towardsyourself because it helps slow
your system down and in doing so, it's activating your
(37:30):
parasympathetic nervous systemand it's helping shift your
system out of fight or flightmode.
And so the next time you findyourself wanting to be critical,
wanting to be harsh towardsyourself, take a moment, take
some deep breaths and shift yourfocus away from the story, away
from the words, and focus it onyour breath.
(37:52):
And that shift away of yourawareness from those stories,
from that negativity, towardsjust simply observing your
breath sends a signal to yoursystem that you're okay, because
now you're taking the energyaway from what's activating that
fight or flight system and allthe chemicals that are being
released, and it's placing yourattention on the thing that's
(38:15):
going to activate your rest andsafety system and it's sending
signals to your system You'reokay.
And it's sending signals toyour system that are okay, we
can relax.
And I'm shifting away frombeating myself up into an action
that is self-compassionate andloving.
Now, another thing that you cando to help strengthen
self-compassion in your life sothat you have access to it, is
(38:39):
writing a self-compassionateletter towards yourself.
When I say access to it, one ofthe challenges for many people
is they try to practiceself-compassion when crisis
shows up, when they're in theirspiraling, and here's what I
want to encourage you onSelf-compassion is a muscle.
It is a skill that needs to bedeveloped and we want to be
(38:59):
practicing it in a space wherewe feel calmer, where we feel
safer, because we're developinga muscle and we're beginning to
ingrain it in our system so thatwe can have access to it when
we start to be harsh towardsourself, when we start to be
critical towards ourselves.
And writing yourself aself-compassion letter is very
(39:20):
powerful because we're engagingmultiple parts of our systems
when we write things out, we'reusing our brain, we're using
that internal voice, we're usingour hands, we're seeing it with
our eyes.
So all of that is helping relaxus, engage us and connect with
the practice of self-compassionbeyond just thinking about it,
(39:42):
and the research shows thatwriting things out provides a
safe place for us to process ourthoughts and our emotions.
So I want to encourage you totake some time to write a letter
, as if you were writing it to adear friend who is going
through the same struggles thatyou're going through, and direct
those words towards yourself.
(40:03):
Write out words of compassiontowards yourself, and if you
struggle with this, it's okay.
We all struggle with thingswhen we first start doing them.
Everything, when it feels new,has some challenge and struggle
to it, and that's okay.
It doesn't mean that it's nottrue for you just because you
can't access it right now, justbecause it doesn't feel
comfortable right now.
Okay, let's stop associatingsomething that feels
(40:25):
uncomfortable as somethingthat's not true.
More often than not, it's justthat your nervous system isn't
used to it, and one of thechallenges and sad things for
many of us is that love andcompassion and safety don't feel
comfortable to us, and we haveto learn how to make them feel
comfortable to us, and we haveto learn how to make them feel
(40:46):
comfortable, and one of thethings that can be really
effective in helping you getcomfortable with self-compassion
is writing a self-compassionateletter towards yourself.
So this week, I want toencourage you to do it.
This week, try one of thosethings that I shared with you
Put them in practice, because ifwe're going to make change, we
have to take action, and if youwant to get out of that fight or
flight that's being caused bythe way that you're treating
(41:08):
yourself, take action this week.
Take action right now onpracticing self-compassion
towards yourself and, as you doit, be patient with yourself.
Keep at it.
Remember, you've got a lot ofmomentum in one direction and
now we're trying to make shiftsand start to turn the boat into
a different direction, andthat's going to take time.
(41:30):
And that's okay, because,listen, let's get our eyes off
of trying to change ourselvesovernight and start thinking
about what's 1% improvement?
What's 5% improvement?
Am I starting to talk to myselfmore kindly?
Am I having less negativeself-talk?
Am I speaking to myself, tomyself more kindly?
Am I having less negativeself-talk?
Am I speaking to myself moreoften with compassion.
If so, you're making progress.
(41:50):
Even if it's just once a week,you're doing it where you
weren't doing it before.
That's progress.
Celebrate that, because incelebrating it, you're
reinforcing to your system thatthat's what you want for
yourself.
All the research supports that.
As you do this on a regularbasis with patients, you're
going to lower your stressbaseline, you're going to
increase your resilience andyou're going to cultivate a
(42:13):
greater sense of safety andpeace in your life.
Now, if you'd like some supporton your journey of
self-compassion, I want toinvite you to connect with me by
setting up a free 60-minutecoaching call.
It's a no-obligation call.
It's just time for us toconnect and see if working
together is the right fit.
So, if you need support in yourjourney, do a self-compassion
(42:36):
act and get the support that youneed.
Well, thank you so much fortaking your time to be here
today and once again, I justwant to say how grateful I am
for you, how thankful I am thatyou're part of this community,
and thank you for allowing me tobe a part of your life and a
part of your journey.
And finally, let me remind you,as I always do, that you are
(43:01):
worthy of your own love.
Your system feels unsafe.
If you're not criticizingyourself, your system feels
comfortable in feelinguncomfortable.
You might say, no man, I don'tfeel comfortable feeling
uncomfortable.
Well, I get that.
I understand that because Idon't either, but yet there is a
part of us right that keepsbringing us back to us.
(00:21):
So ask yourself the questionwhy do you keep finding yourself
back into self-criticism?
Why do you keep findingyourself back into that state of
fight or flight?
Why does it feel like theswitch is stuck on?
As we talked about earlier, itis stuck on and your system does
not feel safe, feeling safe.
(00:41):
Hello everybody, and welcome tothis episode of the Permission
to Love podcast.
I'm your host, jerry Henderson,and, as always, I am so
grateful that you're here today.
Today, we're going to betalking about how the way that
you treat yourself is connectedto feeling like you're in a
constant state of fight orflight, and then how
self-compassion can actuallyhelp regulate your nervous
(01:05):
system and bring you out of thatfeeling of being in fight or
flight mode all of the time.
Now, I recently did anInstagram post on this topic and
it resonated with so many ofyou that I actually wanted to do
a full episode on it tounderstand the research behind
it, understand why all of thatis happening, and then how to
move you from that space throughthe practice of self-compassion
(01:28):
.
Now, in this episode, I amgetting to practice what I
preach.
I just spent well over an hourhere in the studio recording
this episode and was almost donewith it, but you know what
happened?
We realized that my microphonewasn't turned on and so I
(01:49):
recorded an entire episode andthen now have to start all over
doing this.
And what happened at first?
When I realized that microphonewasn't on and I spent all that
time recording this and sayingall the things that I thought
were pretty smart and realizedthat none of it was actually
recorded, I got flooded with alot of emotions and I had to
(02:10):
step back and I had to just givemyself compassion not get into
a space of self-judgment andfrustration and realize that I
want the best version of me toshow up and allow
self-compassion to regulate mysystem, get me back here behind
this microphone and get thisepisode recorded for you, the
listener.
And isn't that interesting howlife shows up to give us the
(02:33):
opportunity to put into practicewhat we're sharing with others.
So here we are, and I know thatthis is going to be a powerful
episode for you today.
Now, before we continue on, ifyou've not yet had a chance to
subscribe or to follow thispodcast, I want to encourage you
to take a moment to do that,because that's going to keep you
updated when new episodes comeout.
Now the other thing is, ifyou've not yet had a chance to
(02:56):
share this with somebody, I wantto ask you to do that.
That would mean the world to me, and it will continue to grow,
this community of where we'relearning how to have a healthy
relationship with ourselves bygiving ourselves the permission
to love ourselves, by practicingself-compassion, etc.
So, if you know of somebody whocould benefit from the content
of this podcast and this episode, share it with somebody,
(03:18):
because if it's making adifference in your life, it'll
make a difference in their lifeas well.
All right.
So let's get back into this.
You know, many people don'trealize just how much that inner
dialogue that they have intheir mind is affecting their
nervous system.
And now, while we're focusingtoday on the inner dialogue that
we have towards ourself, aroundself-criticism and shame, etc.
(03:42):
It also connects and relates toruminating about the past,
catastrophizing about the future.
I mean.
Think about it.
When you're thinking aboutsomebody who said something to
you and all of a sudden you getall of those emotions that are
happening and all of thechemicals that are being
released as you think about whatthey said, what you should have
(04:04):
said to them, and then whatyou're going to say to them when
you see them.
All of that is tweaking outyour nervous system.
So that inner dialogue whetherit's self-criticism, shame, or
you're thinking about all thethings that happened that you
wished hadn't happened or youwish did happen, or you're
fearing the future all of that'shaving a big toll.
(04:26):
We're going to talk about thattoday and we're going to talk
about how self-compassion canhelp you.
Even in the space of thinkingabout what somebody else did
that you wish that they wouldn'thave done, self-compassion is a
powerful process in helping yourelax in that space as well.
So if you're constantlycriticizing yourself, constantly
shaming, judging yourself, yourbody is going to stay in a
(04:53):
state of stress and survival.
But here's the good news If youhave the ability to do that to
yourself in the direction ofstress and survival, you can
also do that for yourself in thespace of relaxation, calm and
safety.
There is a way out of thatcycle of feeling like you're in
a constant state of fight orflight, or that low hum of
anxiety.
There is a way out of it, andone of the ways is through the
(05:16):
practice of self-compassion.
So let's start this episode bytaking a look at our nervous
system again, reviewing some ofthat.
So our autonomic nervous systemhas two branches.
It has the sympathetic nervoussystem, which triggers our fight
, flight or freeze response, andthen we also have the
parasympathetic nervous systemwhich promotes rest and
regulation.
(05:36):
Now, our amygdala, the brain'sthreat detector.
It activates that sympatheticnervous system when danger is
perceived.
I want to focus in on that wordperceived because your brain
doesn't actually differentiatebetween external threats and
internal threats, or things likeinternal self-criticism or
(06:00):
replaying a past mistake orfearing the future.
Your brain is seeing it as ifit's all happening in the now.
I mean, think about it Onceagain, using an example of if
you made a mistake in the pastand you start to relive it in
your mind, you start to get thepit in your gut, don't you?
You start to experience theflood of all of those emotions,
(06:22):
don't you?
You start to feel unsafe andyou start to beat yourself up.
You see, all of that is yourbrain going.
Wait, this is happening again.
We're reliving it again.
I need to prepare myself.
I don't feel safe, and so let'skick into the stress response,
let's get into fight or flight,because we need to be on guard.
(06:44):
And who are we on guard against?
We're on guard againstourselves.
So let's talk about theneuroscience behind why our
brains don't see a differencebetween internal and external
threats.
The research shows thatself-criticism will activate the
same neural pathways as thoseexternal threats.
(07:06):
What's happening is it'striggering the hypothalamic
pituitary adrenal axis.
Lots of words, we're going torefer to it as the HPA axis, and
so what's happening when thatsystem gets activated is it's
increasing cortisol production.
Now here's the interestingthing about the AP axis it gets
(07:26):
triggered, it releases cortisol.
Cortisol is a stress hormoneand that stress hormone is
preparing us for danger.
Now, if we're in there beatingourselves up all the time, that
HPA axis stays active and it'sreleasing a steady flow of
cortisol into our system.
Now the interesting thing aboutthe HPA axis is it's designed to
(07:49):
be a closed loop.
What do I mean?
It's designed to perceivethreat, release cortisol and
enough cortisol that, once thethreat has passed, that cortisol
goes back up to the HPA axissystem and shuts it off, but
when we're living in a state ofchronic stress, we're not
(08:11):
getting that system shut off.
The system is producing lowlevels of cortisol in our system
, but never enough to shut thesystem back off.
So when I say your system isstuck in a state of fight or
flight flight or that system islike turned on, it actually
literally is your HPA axis isnot getting shut off.
The switch is stuck in the onmode, and part of what
(08:35):
self-compassion is going to dois it's going to help turn that
switch back off.
It's going to allow yournervous system the permission to
relax.
Now another study done by Longet al in 2010, using fMRI scans,
found that harsh self-judgmentincreases activity in the
(08:55):
amygdala and reinforces the fearand stress responses, and I
find this absolutely fascinatingthat, biologically, our bodies
perceive criticism,self-judgment and shame as a
threat towards ourselves, and soit's not just even a
psychological threat, thatpsychological threat of us
(09:17):
reliving the shame, beatingourselves up, all the things
that we do to ourselves.
Our bodies are interpretingthat as not being safe.
It sees you beating yourself upas a threat, and so it turns on
all of your threat responsesystems, and so no wonder you
(09:37):
feel like you're in a constantstate of fight or flight, no
wonder you have that low hum ofanxiety that lives with you all
the time, and then the smallestthing sets it off, and we're
going to talk about why thathappens here in just a little
bit.
But no wonder, right, even yourbody understands that you
treating yourself that way isn'tgood for you, sees it as a
(10:00):
threat, wants to help yourespond to it.
Okay, so, when you feel allthat anxiety and the pit in the
gut about the way that you talkto yourself, that's your body's
signals to you that it's notgood for you.
All that anxiety is a lovingresponse to you to get your
attention to go.
We don't want this.
This isn't good for us, andlet's stop doing this to
(10:23):
ourselves.
And one of the ways you canstop doing it and I'll keep
saying this over and over isthrough the practice of
self-compassion.
So if we look at all thisresearch and I just quoted a
couple of things what it'stelling us is, if you're
constantly telling yourself thatyou're no good, that you're
dumb, that you're never going tobe good enough, and you're
doing all this stuff to yourself.
(10:44):
Your nervous system is going tostay on high alert, keeping you
stuck in a cycle of stress anddoubt and then keeping you in
fight or flight, and then all ofthat has some real consequences
to it, as we discussed, it'sgoing to keep increased levels
of cortisol in our system.
That's going to lead to anxiety, fatigue and inflammation.
(11:06):
It's going to cause us to havean overactive amygdala, which
makes us hypervigilant, hyperalert to perceived threats.
It's going to cause us to havedifficulty relaxing and
regulating our emotions, andit's going to lead to behaviors
that we engage in to try toescape ourselves.
Things like drinking or usingsubstances or scrolling for
(11:30):
hours and hours or seeking outrelationships as a way to soothe
ourselves.
All of those things are a wayfor us to try to escape
ourselves because we're livingwith an abuser ourselves.
All those things that we'reusing to try to self-soothe are
often connected to the way thatwe're treating ourselves.
All those things that we'reusing to try to self-soothe are
often connected to the way thatwe're treating ourselves.
So I hope you can see that, ifyou're often feeling tense or
(11:51):
exhausted and easily triggeredby the smallest of stressors,
your inner dialogue might beplaying a bigger role than you
think it is, and this is oftenthe reason for many people that
their stress waterline is sohigh, and that's one of the
things that we look at when I'mworking with people in coaching
is examining their overallstress waterline.
(12:13):
Does it feel like it's at theirneck and the smallest thing
throws it up over their head andthey feel overwhelmed and
they're confused as to why.
When their kiddo does somethingthat it just triggers them,
sets them off and they react inways that they don't want to
react.
Or when their partner says theslightest thing or gives them
the look you know, the look thatwe all know that our partner
(12:33):
has that they can give us andhow that then floods us with
emotions and we respond in waysthat we don't want to respond.
Or something small happens atthe grocery store or in traffic.
Or we're trying to do somethingand we get so frustrated with
ourselves that we can't executeon something and we start to
just beat ourselves up for it,or we're getting frustrated and
(12:56):
we're throwing the papers acrossthe room, whatever it is that's
happening, and then you'rewondering to yourself why in the
world are the smallest thingssetting me off?
Why am I allowing myself to getso bent out of shape?
Why am I carrying this constantagitation?
Listen, a big part of it.
(13:17):
If you're a person who dealswith a lot of inner criticism
and you treat yourself poorly,your waterline of stress is
really high.
Why?
Because you're in therestressing yourself out.
You're triggering all thethings that we talked about
earlier.
Right, your brain's releasingcortisol to defend itself
against you.
Your amygdala is really activebecause it's in hypervigilance,
(13:39):
and so of course, that's addingto a higher waterline of stress
for you.
And practicing self-compassionis going to help bring down your
overall stress, because you'renot going to be at war with
yourself.
You're not going to have thatadditional stress layered on
work stress, family stress, lifestress, finance stress or
(14:00):
whatever those things are.
When you practiceself-compassion, you're draining
out some of that stress becauseyou're at ease with yourself,
you're making you a safe spacefor yourself, you're allowing
yourself to begin to relax moreand it's increasing your
(14:20):
resilience levels.
Why?
Because you have more marginnow to handle stress from other
things, and that's exactly whatpracticing self-compassion is
going to do.
It's gonna take that waterlineof stress from your neck.
It's gonna take it down, maybedown to your chest, maybe down
to your waist, wherever, andthen you're going to find
yourself with more energy todeal with things, because how
(14:45):
much energy does it take to bein there beating yourself up all
the time, to be fightingagainst yourself?
I mean that's a lot of energy.
That's a lot of stress that'shaving an impact on your nervous
system, and when you reducethat, you're going to have more
energy, you're going to havemore capacity to deal with other
things in your life.
(15:07):
I want to take a moment beforewe go on with the rest of this
podcast episode and I want toask you a question.
Do you currently feel stuck?
Are you feeling trapped inself-doubt, low self-esteem?
Maybe you've lost yourconfidence?
Maybe you're burning out, oryou already have burned out
because of the pressure to besomebody that you're not?
Are you wrestling with thatrelentless inner critic?
(15:29):
Are you dealing with impostersyndrome?
Are you struggling with otherlimiting beliefs and do you feel
like you have a limited mindset?
Well, if you do struggle withthose things, you're not alone.
So many of us carry thoselimiting beliefs that keep us
playing small, that keep thelife that we want just outside
of our reach, and we stay stuckin self-sabotaging patterns even
(15:52):
though we know we're meant formore.
The research is so clear onthis that we can change our
mindsets.
We can move from a fixedmindset to a growth mindset.
We don't have to stay stuck.
Your brain has the capacity torewire itself and there are some
simple strategies that you canuse to change your mindset, to
(16:14):
move you from all of thosenegative and limiting beliefs to
empowering and life-givingbeliefs.
And when we do that, we totallytransform our lives.
And that's exactly why I createdthe coaching program that I
have.
It's designed to help you breakfree from those patterns.
It's designed to help youconnect with yourself, to begin
(16:36):
to believe in yourself, to healthe relationship that you have
with yourself, so that you canstart creating the life and the
relationships that you want tohave.
And here's the great thingabout coaching the research
shows that 80% of people who getinvolved in coaching report
increased self-confidence, andover 70% of those individuals
(16:59):
saw improvements in their workperformance, their relationships
, their self-esteem in theirwork performance, their
relationships, their self-esteem, their communication skills,
etc.
Coaching is one of the bestinvestments that you can make in
yourself.
Now, during the program, we'dwork one-on-one together to help
you identify those limitingbeliefs and those patterns and
then begin to rewire thosebeliefs into something that's
(17:21):
actually serving you.
During the program, we'll alsowork on building real confidence
, building resilience, learningthe principles of what creates a
happy life, and we'll work onputting a plan together for the
goals that you have, but doingit in a way that's grounded in
self-compassion and that won'tcause you to burn out.
So if you'd like to connectwith me and learn more, you can
(17:44):
set up a free, no obligationone-on-one coaching call where
we can get to know each otherand see if working together is
the right fit.
If you're ready to take thatstep, go to my website at
jerryhendersonorg or you cansimply see the show notes in
this episode.
I'm looking forward toconnecting with you and learning
(18:08):
more about you Now.
One more thing I want to addressand I think it's really
important to address before weget into talking about
self-compassion as a way to helprelax us and get us out of
fight or flight is to help youunderstand that there's nothing
wrong with you if you're upthere beating yourself up,
judging yourself.
There's nothing wrong with youif you're up there beating
yourself up, judging yourself.
There's nothing wrong with youif you're stuck in a constant
state of anxiety and fight orflight all the time.
(18:28):
I know it can feel that way,right that nobody else
understands it.
You feel uniquely broken andwhy can't you heal that space in
your life?
Can I just encourage you for amoment that that has been
serving you and self-compassionis going to help.
You see how it has been servingyou Because if you experienced
trauma or if you were in a toxicrelationship, you needed to be
(18:50):
in fight or flight.
You might have needed to betelling yourself that there was
something wrong with you.
You might have needed to behypercritical of yourself and
judging why, so that you couldfigure out how to fix yourself
so that you'd stop experiencingthe pain.
We've talked about this inother episodes, particularly in
the one where we talked aboutthat.
There's nothing wrong with youand I'd encourage you, if you
(19:11):
haven't yet, go listen to thatepisode because it can be really
helpful in this space.
Here's the truth.
If you needed that in survivalmode and you got wired to do
that, you're going to continueto want to do it and your system
feels unsafe.
If you're not criticizingyourself, your system feels
(19:31):
comfortable in feelinguncomfortable.
You might say, no, man, I don'tfeel comfortable feeling
uncomfortable.
Well, I get that.
I understand that because Idon't either.
But yet there is a part of usright that I understand that,
because I don't either.
But yet there is a part of usright that keeps bringing us
back to us.
So ask yourself the questionwhy do you keep finding yourself
back into self-criticism?
Why do you keep findingyourself back into that state of
(19:53):
fight or flight?
Why does it feel like theswitch is stuck on right, as we
talked about earlier?
It is stuck on and your systemdoes not feel safe.
Feeling safe Because in the past, if you allowed yourself to
feel safe, you weren'thypervigilant.
Something bad happened and yourbrain connected feeling safe or
(20:14):
not being hypervigilant asbeing unsafe.
And so now, even if the threatis gone, the relationship's gone
, the abuser's gone or whateverthat was causing you to
experience the trauma that youexperienced, even if that's gone
, your brain still doesn't feelsafe, not being in hypervigilant
mode.
And so self-criticism,self-judgment, shame are ways
(20:39):
that your brain is using to keepyou in a state of
hypervigilance so that you canfeel safe, so that you can be on
guard, so that your system hasaccess to the cortisol, the
adrenaline, all of the thingsthat it needs in order to
protect itself.
(20:59):
Because, remember, all of thosestress hormones are your body's
preparation to protect itself.
Because, remember, all of thosestress hormones are your body's
preparation to protect itself.
And there's a part of you thatfeels like you need access to
those things because you neverknow when something is going to
go wrong.
And if you always feel like theshoe's going to drop, guess
what that served you at onepoint, because the shoe always
(21:20):
did drop.
And now you're alwaysanticipating the shoe to drop.
And part of what's helping youkeep in that hypervigilant mode
is the way that you're talkingto yourself, is the way that
you're treating yourself.
And so if you can make a shiftright now in this episode and
say to yourself it's not that Ijust beat myself up because
(21:41):
there's something wrong with meor something bad about me, I
deserve it.
No, it is a way that your brainhas learned to keep you in a
state of fight or flight becauseyou've had to live that way and
you developed as a copingmechanism and now your body
doesn't feel safe not havingthat.
So it uses that method to keepyou in that anxious state and
(22:06):
it's simply trying to keep yousafe.
And the practice ofself-compassion.
What that can do.
As you use it over time and youpractice it is you will become
your own safe space, your ownsafe place.
You will be able to useself-compassion as a way to
regulate your nervous system, toallow yourself to know that
(22:29):
everything's okay.
Why?
Because you're there with you,being kind to yourself, loving
towards yourself, and that's areally important part of feeling
safe.
All right, now that we've laid,I think, a pretty good
foundation about how all of thatinternal conflict can keep us
(22:49):
stuck in fight or flight, let'sstart talking about how
self-compassion can help usrewire our nervous system, get
us out of that fight or flightand help us develop greater
levels of resilience and balancein our life.
So what's the science behindself-compassion and the nervous
system?
Well, research shows us thatself-compassion activates the
ventral vagal complex and that'sa part of the parasympathetic
(23:13):
nervous system that'sresponsible for feelings of
safety and connection, as wetalked about earlier, the
ability to relax and regulate,and when this part of us is
activated, it helps regulate ourheart rate, it lowers those
stress hormones and it helpsshift the body into a more
balanced state.
Now the other thing thathappens when our parasympathetic
(23:36):
nervous system is active is.
It reduces activity in theamygdala and it also, at the
same time, is strengthening ouraccess to our prefrontal cortex
and our insula, and those arethe regions that are responsible
or are involved in ouremotional regulation,
decision-making andself-awareness.
(23:57):
Now here's something I want topoint out right, your amygdala
is your friend.
We often see it as our enemy,but we need that thing right,
because when we get into amoment of true physical danger,
our brains need that quickactivation.
It needs access to all thosestress hormones to prepare us
for that danger.
(24:18):
And one of the ways that itdoes that is it hijacks that PFC
or that prefrontal cortex,because when we have a threat,
we don't need to be sittingaround reasoning Okay, how big
is the bear?
Is it really a bear?
And I wonder if that's afriendly bear.
We don't need that in thatmoment.
What we need is quick actionand the amygdala helps us do
(24:40):
that.
In that moment, what we need isquick action and the amygdala
helps us do that.
Now the challenge is when theamygdala is overly active and it
just kind of stays on, it'sblunting our PFC, that
prefrontal cortex, our abilityto reason, our ability to
regulate, our ability to makedecisions, our ability to have
self-awareness is blunted, andso what happens is our ability
(25:01):
to see things clearly when we'rein a constant state of fight or
flight isn't really workingwell in that state.
And this is why it's often hardfor people to see that they're
worthy of love, to see thatthey're just a human being who
made a mistake, to see thatself-judgment, self-criticism
isn't going to serve them.
And it's not just because youdon't want to see it.
(25:23):
It's actually that that part ofyour brain has been blunted.
The chemicals that your stresssystem are releasing are
actually blunting that part ofyour ability to reason.
So, for example, if you've everresponded in a way that you
didn't really want to respond in, and then later, when you're
more emotionally regulated, youcan look back on it and go, wow,
I way overreacted, you see itmore clearly, right?
(25:45):
Why?
Because in the moment when youoverreacted, as a way to stay
safe, because when we yell or weget aggressive or we become
volatile or we do things thatare these reactions, they are
ways that we're trying to staysafe, and so when that's
happening, all of that system isactivated to try to keep you
(26:06):
safe.
You're not thinking straight,and then later, when you're in a
state that's more calm, you'reable to look back at it and go,
wow, I wish I wouldn't haveresponded that way.
I can see that maybe theydidn't mean it the way that I
took it, or maybe I just didn'tget a good night's sleep and
(26:29):
that's why I'm on edge.
And so what's happening in thatcontext is the amygdala is
relaxing, the PFC is coming backonline and you can reason and
see things more clearly.
Now one of the challenges, as Isaid before, if you're stuck in
that state, your reasoning partis blunted, so you don't have
as much access to things likethe ability to cognitively
reframe something.
So, instead of seeing yourselfas a loser because you didn't do
(26:51):
well on an exam or you didn'tdo well on a presentation, if
you're in a constant fight orflight space, you're going to
spiral down, because the part ofyour brain that allows you to
put that in context, to be ableto say well, just because I did
bad in a presentation or Ididn't do the best that I wanted
to do in that presentation,doesn't mean that I'm getting
fired next week, doesn't meanall these bad things about me.
(27:15):
It just simply means thepresentation didn't go the way
that I wanted it to and seethat's your ability to have
perspective, to reframe it andthen begin to pull yourself out
of that spiral.
But when your amygdala ishypervigilant, it's going to
keep that part of yourself thathas the ability to reason and
think that through clearlyblunted.
(27:36):
So I want you to see that justbecause you're struggling to see
things in the way that youthink you should be able to see
them, and just because you don'thave the ability to emotionally
regulate the way that you'dwant to, and that your decision
making isn't as clear as you'dlike it to be, it's not because
there's something wrong with you.
It's because you're in aconstant state of fight or
(27:57):
flight.
Your amygdala's active and it'sdoing what it's supposed to do,
blunting that part of yourbrain that has the ability to do
all of those processes.
And once the amygdala starts torelax through practices like
self-compassion, you're going tofind you're able to see things
(28:17):
differently.
You're able to see yourselfdifferently.
You're able to see thebeautiful parts of yourself, not
just the bad parts of yourself.
Right, because if you're in astate that has taught you that
you need to see what's wrongwith you so that you can fix
yourself, so that you don't gethurt.
Once that part starts to relax,you'll actually now begin to
have access to see the part ofyourself that's beautiful,
(28:40):
that's worthy, that's loving,that's kind.
And in some ways, having thatPFC blunted is keeping you safe
and, in some ways, not seeingall of those good things about
you is keeping you safe.
But when you start to feel moresafe in your own presence,
you'll begin to access thoseparts of yourself.
(29:00):
Now, the other thing that'salso going to start happening
when you start to shift is it'sgoing to increase your
resilience.
As we talked about earlier, thewaterline of stress goes down.
It's also going to increaseyour ability to trust yourself,
because, think about it and Ihear this a lot in coaching I
don't trust myself, I don'ttrust my decisions and I just
kind of, overall, do not trustmyself.
(29:21):
Why would you trust yourself ifyou're in there beating the
hell out of yourself all thetime?
I mean, would you trust anybodyelse who would treat you the
way that you're treatingyourself?
Probably not right.
And so when we start topractice self-compassion, it
opens us up to ourselves.
We begin to hear the needs thatwe actually have.
(29:43):
We begin to see that we'resomebody who we can lean on,
without self-judgment, withoutcriticism, and it actually opens
up our heart to begin to trustourselves.
So if you're struggling withself-trust, I'm going to give
you the advice that I give manyof my clients Start with
self-compassion, becauseself-compassion will change the
(30:04):
energy that you have towardsyourself.
I mean, think about it.
This is why many people stay inanalysis paralysis, because
it's not so much that they'reafraid of making a wrong choice.
They're often afraid of the waythat they're going to treat
themselves as a result of makinga choice that they don't feel
like was a good choice.
They're going to overthink thechoice.
(30:24):
They're going to keepsecond-guessing their decisions
because they're waiting for thatpart of them to jump in and say
well, that was a stupiddecision.
Why did you do that?
You always make dumb decisions.
Well, no wonder you wouldn'ttrust yourself if your system is
constantly anticipating andass-whooping from yourself.
So switching to self-compassionwill allow your system to relax
(30:48):
towards yourself and will allowyou to begin to trust yourself.
Now, another thing the researchshows is that when we begin to
practice self-compassion, we'regoing to be able to have more
emotional stability, becausewe're going to feel safer inside
, and where there's safety,there is emotional stability.
Now further research has beendone that shows that
(31:08):
self-compassion helps reduce theactivation of that HPA axis
that we talked about earlier andthat's going to allow you, like
I said, to be able to accesshigher brain functions like
creative thinking, problemsolving and connection with
other people, because if wedon't feel safe, it's really
hard to make connection, becauseconnection is done in a space
of safety.
Self-compassion is also goingto help your ability to be
(31:31):
adaptable and it's also going toallow you to access and release
feel-good chemicals likeoxytocin and endorphins, which
are going to promote relaxationand resilience.
So all the research on this isreally clear that when we stop
speaking to ourselves harshly,we start speaking to ourselves
with kindness, validating ouremotions, forgiving ourselves,
(31:56):
offering ourselves understanding.
It's going to start sendingsignals of safety to your
nervous system and by doing thaton a regular basis, you're
gonna be training your brain torespond to stress with a greater
level of resilience kindnessrather than criticism.
You're gonna be creating neuralpathways that make it easier
(32:17):
for you to navigate thedifficulties of life without
spiraling into self-judgment.
You're gonna begin to treatyourself in a way that you
really want to treat yourself,and I know that you want to
treat yourself better.
I mean, you're listening tothis podcast.
I know that you want to be moreloving towards yourself and
self-compassion is going toallow you to access that.
(32:38):
And by practicingself-compassion, you're going to
be training your brain how torespond to stress, how to
respond to mistakes, how torespond to that rumination that
you're doing and that criticismthat's happening in yourself.
You're going to be trainingyourself to begin to be more
kind to yourself.
You're actually going to becreating neural pathways that
(32:59):
your brain now has access to.
That it'll be easier for it togo to.
That allow you to not only bekinder to yourself but navigate
the difficulties and challengesof life without spiraling into
stress, without spiraling intoself-judgment.
I hope you can see how clear itis in the research that when
(33:20):
we're critical towards ourselves, when we're at war with
ourselves, we're beatingourselves up like that.
We are keeping ourselves in astate of fight or flight right.
And once again, for many of uswe don't ever make that
connection.
We just wonder what's wrongwith us and we go.
I don't know how to change it.
One of the first places you canchange it is by changing that
internal dialogue and one of theways that you change that
(33:42):
internal dialogue is bypracticing self-compassion.
And as you do that, you aretraining your brain to recognize
that you're safe and that youhave support from within, from
yourself, and once again you arebecoming your own safe space.
And with all of that, andunderstanding how
(34:03):
self-compassion works in ournervous system and why it's so
important and why it's socrucial for us to be able to
feel safe in our own presence,let's talk about practical ways
for you to practiceself-compassion.
Well, number one move into theobserver mode and notice your
self-talk without judgment.
(34:24):
That's why I talked earlierabout how negative self-talk is
often trying to serve you.
If you can see it in that way,you'll stop judging it.
And when we stop judgingourselves for having negative
self-talk, it allows us toactually start to heal it.
So, as a practice, start payingattention to how you speak to
yourself and then ask yourselfthat fundamental question would
(34:48):
you say those things to a closefriend?
And if not, then change whatyou're saying.
You might be thinking well,it's not that easy.
Well, just because it's noteasy doesn't mean that it's not
possible.
Right?
You have momentum in a certaindirection of speaking to
yourself negatively.
That's all that is, it'smomentum in a certain direction.
(35:11):
It's training, training thatyou develop to keep yourself
safe.
And so now, yes, it's going totake work to shift you towards
loving language towards yourself, but you deserve that.
And two months from now, sixmonths from now, a year from now
, you can either be better atthe way that you treat yourself
and have a more regulatednervous system, or you can stay
in the same place that you're atright now, and a lot of that's
(35:34):
going to depend on your abilityto practice self-compassion, and
one of the keys of practicingself-compassion is becoming
aware of when we're notpracticing it.
So I want to encourage youstart noticing your self-talk.
How are you speaking toyourself?
Would you say those things to aclose friend?
(35:54):
And, if not, begin to replaceit with more loving words
towards yourself.
Tell yourself you're doing thebest that you can.
Now the other thing you can dois use physical gestures or
physical touch to send signalsto yourself of comfort and
safety.
This can be as simple asplacing a hand on your heart
(36:18):
when you're telling yourselfthat you're okay, that you're
doing your best and that'senough, or placing your hand on
your heart when you're feelingstressed or you're not feeling
safe.
The research shows that thatphysical touch of you towards
yourself can actually sendsignals to your nervous system
that you're okay Now.
The other thing you can do isgive yourself a gentle hug,
(36:39):
place your arms around yourself,tell yourself that you love
yourself, that you're going tobe okay and, if it's helpful,
add some gentle patting to yourshoulders as you're doing it.
That's showing your nervoussystem that you're okay in this
moment, and the other thing it'sdoing is it's allowing you to
send love towards yourself.
(37:00):
It's really hard to bejudgmental towards ourselves
when we're hugging ourselves,when we're soothing ourselves
with physical touch.
It disrupts that act towardsyourself because it helps slow
your system down and in doing so, it's activating your
(37:30):
parasympathetic nervous systemand it's helping shift your
system out of fight or flightmode.
And so the next time you findyourself wanting to be critical,
wanting to be harsh towardsyourself, take a moment, take
some deep breaths and shift yourfocus away from the story, away
from the words, and focus it onyour breath.
(37:52):
And that shift away of yourawareness from those stories,
from that negativity, towardsjust simply observing your
breath sends a signal to yoursystem that you're okay, because
now you're taking the energyaway from what's activating that
fight or flight system and allthe chemicals that are being
released, and it's placing yourattention on the thing that's
(38:15):
going to activate your rest andsafety system and it's sending
signals to your system You'reokay.
And it's sending signals toyour system that are okay, we
can relax.
And I'm shifting away frombeating myself up into an action
that is self-compassionate andloving.
Now, another thing that you cando to help strengthen
self-compassion in your life sothat you have access to it, is
(38:39):
writing a self-compassionateletter towards yourself.
When I say access to it, one ofthe challenges for many people
is they try to practiceself-compassion when crisis
shows up, when they're in theirspiraling, and here's what I
want to encourage you onSelf-compassion is a muscle.
It is a skill that needs to bedeveloped and we want to be
(38:59):
practicing it in a space wherewe feel calmer, where we feel
safer, because we're developinga muscle and we're beginning to
ingrain it in our system so thatwe can have access to it when
we start to be harsh towardsourself, when we start to be
critical towards ourselves.
And writing yourself aself-compassion letter is very
(39:20):
powerful because we're engagingmultiple parts of our systems
when we write things out, we'reusing our brain, we're using
that internal voice, we're usingour hands, we're seeing it with
our eyes.
So all of that is helping relaxus, engage us and connect with
the practice of self-compassionbeyond just thinking about it,
(39:42):
and the research shows thatwriting things out provides a
safe place for us to process ourthoughts and our emotions.
So I want to encourage you totake some time to write a letter
, as if you were writing it to adear friend who is going
through the same struggles thatyou're going through, and direct
those words towards yourself.
(40:03):
Write out words of compassiontowards yourself, and if you
struggle with this, it's okay.
We all struggle with thingswhen we first start doing them.
Everything, when it feels new,has some challenge and struggle
to it, and that's okay.
It doesn't mean that it's nottrue for you just because you
can't access it right now, justbecause it doesn't feel
comfortable right now.
Okay, let's stop associatingsomething that feels
(40:25):
uncomfortable as somethingthat's not true.
More often than not, it's justthat your nervous system isn't
used to it, and one of thechallenges and sad things for
many of us is that love andcompassion and safety don't feel
comfortable to us, and we haveto learn how to make them feel
comfortable to us, and we haveto learn how to make them feel
(40:46):
comfortable, and one of thethings that can be really
effective in helping you getcomfortable with self-compassion
is writing a self-compassionateletter towards yourself.
So this week, I want toencourage you to do it.
This week, try one of thosethings that I shared with you
Put them in practice, because ifwe're going to make change, we
have to take action, and if youwant to get out of that fight or
flight that's being caused bythe way that you're treating
(41:08):
yourself, take action this week.
Take action right now onpracticing self-compassion
towards yourself and, as you doit, be patient with yourself.
Keep at it.
Remember, you've got a lot ofmomentum in one direction and
now we're trying to make shiftsand start to turn the boat into
a different direction, andthat's going to take time.
(41:30):
And that's okay, because,listen, let's get our eyes off
of trying to change ourselvesovernight and start thinking
about what's 1% improvement?
What's 5% improvement?
Am I starting to talk to myselfmore kindly?
Am I having less negativeself-talk?
Am I speaking to myself, tomyself more kindly?
Am I having less negativeself-talk?
Am I speaking to myself moreoften with compassion.
If so, you're making progress.
(41:50):
Even if it's just once a week,you're doing it where you
weren't doing it before.
That's progress.
Celebrate that, because incelebrating it, you're
reinforcing to your system thatthat's what you want for
yourself.
All the research supports that.
As you do this on a regularbasis with patients, you're
going to lower your stressbaseline, you're going to
increase your resilience andyou're going to cultivate a
(42:13):
greater sense of safety andpeace in your life.
Now, if you'd like some supporton your journey of
self-compassion, I want toinvite you to connect with me by
setting up a free 60-minutecoaching call.
It's a no-obligation call.
It's just time for us toconnect and see if working
together is the right fit.
So, if you need support in yourjourney, do a self-compassion
(42:36):
act and get the support that youneed.
Well, thank you so much fortaking your time to be here
today and once again, I justwant to say how grateful I am
for you, how thankful I am thatyou're part of this community,
and thank you for allowing me tobe a part of your life and a
part of your journey.
And finally, let me remind you,as I always do, that you are
(43:01):
worthy of your own love.
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