March 3, 2025 • 32 mins
Your relationship with yourself is the foundation of EVERYTHING.
No amount of success, validation, or external achievement can replace a healthy self-relationship. And yet, so many high achievers and trauma survivors neglect this relationship the most.
In today’s episode, we cover:
- Why your relationship with yourself shapes every part of your life
- The 5 key areas that determine self-worth & self-trust
- How self-talk, thoughts, and daily habits rewire your brain
- The neuroscience of breaking toxic patterns & limiting beliefs
- The small shifts that lead to lasting transformation
Plus, I’m giving you a FREE PDF for a Healthier Relationship With Yourself to track where you stand and start making real changes.
🔗 Download the free PDF → jerryhenderson.org
🔗 Access the course "Learning How to Love Yourself" here: Access Course
DM me on Instagram @JerryAHenderson or LinkedIn @JerryAHenderson to tell me what you're working on this week—I’d love to support you!
Let’s dive in.
Chapters
00:00 - Your Relationship with Yourself Changes Everything
00:45 - Welcome to the Permission to Love Podcast
02:54 - The Moment I Realized Everything Needed to Change
05:17 - Research: The Link Between Self-Compassion & Long-Term Success
06:31 - The 5 Key Areas That Define Your Relationship With Yourself
07:15 - #1: What Are Your Daily Thoughts About Yourself?
09:02 - #2: The Words You Speak About Yourself Matter
10:23 - The Science of Self-Talk & How to Rewire It
11:45 - #3: How Do You Feel About Yourself?
14:42 - Brené Brown’s Research on Self-Acceptance & Shame
17:19 - #4: How Do You Treat Yourself?
19:28 - The Science of Self-Care & Its Impact on Your Nervous System
20:48 - #5: What Do You Tolerate in Relationships?
22:41 - How Trauma Impacts the Way We Let Others Treat Us
25:31 - The Science of Lasting Change: Why Small Wins Matter
27:10 - Dr. BJ Fogg’s Research on Micro-Shifts & Behavior Change
28:58 - The First Step to Changing Your Life Starts This Week
I am grateful you are here,
Jerry
Setup Your FREE Strategy Call:
Schedule Call
Website:
www.jerryhenderson.org
🔗 Access the course "Learning How to Love Yourself" here:
How is your relationship with yourself going?
Get your free-self assessment guide
Pick up your copy of my book:
Returning: Meditations and Reflections on Self-Love and Healing
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Linkedin: www.linkedin.com/in/jerryahenderson
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jerry Henderson (00:00):
Welcome everybody.
I am fired up about today'sepisode.
Why?
Because we're diving into atopic that is at the core of
everything I teach.
Now, if you've been here andyou've been following this
podcast or following my work fora while, you'll know that this
isn't just another episode.
(00:20):
It's a conversation that we'vehad and that we're going to keep
having again and again.
And what's the conversation?
Your relationship with yourself, and why do we keep talking
about it and why are we going tocontinue to talk about it?
Because your relationship withyourself is absolutely
(00:42):
everything.
Hello everybody, and welcome tothe Permission to Love podcast,
a podcast where we haveconversations about
self-transformation, buildingresilience, living a life that
is rooted in self-compassion,how we can change our mindset
and how to give ourselves thepermission to thrive by giving
(01:04):
ourselves the permission to loveourselves.
Now, whether you're a highachiever, a trauma survivor, or
you're just simply interested inthe work of self-transformation
and how to cultivate ahealthier, more fulfilling life,
this podcast is for you.
Every week, we dive deep intothe topics that truly matter,
the ones that shape how weexperience the world, how we
(01:27):
relate to one another and, mostimportantly, how we relate to
ourselves.
Because if there's one thingI've learned as I've talked
about it's that everything inyour life is a reflection of
your relationship with yourself.
Reflection of your relationshipwith yourself.
(01:49):
In fact, the very first reel Iever made on social media was
about this topic, and today Iwant to take a step back and
fully revisit this topic again.
And here's the thing you can'ttalk about this enough.
You know, I remember sittingwith a highly effective
communicator who had beencommunicating to audiences for
decades, and he told me this.
(02:10):
He said if people aren't sickof you saying it, you haven't
said it enough.
And I've taken that to heart,especially around topics like
this, because this is one ofthose truths that we as a
community need to keep comingback to again and again.
So today, let's do just that.
(02:30):
Let's slow down and let's trulytake an inventory today of
where we stand in ourrelationship with ourselves.
So I invite you, if you're ableto get a notepad pencil or
however you take your notes andtake some time to engage in the
(02:51):
exercises that I'm going to askyou to do as a part of this
episode.
Now, I remember the moment Irealized just how important my
relationship with myself is.
It was an absolute turningpoint in my life and now, as I
mentioned, it's the first thingI work on with my coaching
clients.
Why?
(03:11):
Because the way you seeyourself is determining how you
see others, it's how you see theworld and, ultimately, it is
determining what is manifestingin your life.
And so, if we want to changewhat we're experiencing, we have
to change the experience thatwe're having with ourselves.
(03:34):
Now, here's the interestingthing about this, right, even
though it is the most importantrelationship in our life, for
many of us especially for traumasurvivors and high achievers,
who are often driven to provethemselves this is the most
neglected relationship in ourlives.
That's the paradox, right, it'sthe most important one, but
(03:57):
it's also the one that weneglect the most.
Now, for many of us, we trackour business goals, our income,
our fitness, our performance, etcetera.
We even have KPIs for thosethings, right, but here's the
hard truth we rarely stop andassess the quality of the
(04:17):
relationship that we have withourselves.
We don't set KPIs for ourself-worth, our self-talk, our
own inner peace, but we should,shouldn't we?
And in today's episode, I'mhoping to lay a bit of a
foundation that will allow youto start measuring that, because
research has found that thosewho develop a healthy
(04:39):
relationship with themselvesexperience lower levels of
anxiety and depression.
They have greater levels ofresilience in the face of
failure.
Studies also show thatself-compassionate people are
more likely to achieve long-termsuccess than those who rely on
self-criticism as a motivator.
(05:00):
So if you're beating yourselfup hoping that that'll cause you
to change, guess what?
The research is showing thatthat's actually moving you
backwards and that if you'llshift to self-compassion, that
is actually what's going to takeyou towards the life that you
want to live.
So today, as I mentioned, I wantto help you take an honest look
(05:21):
at your relationship withyourself, because once you start
paying attention to it,everything changes.
Let me say that again Once youstart paying attention to
becoming aware of yourrelationship with yourself,
everything in your life willshift.
(05:43):
Everything will begin to change, because where our attention
goes, our energy goes, and if westart putting attention on our
relationship with ourselves, itallows us to put energy towards
making the changes that we wantto make.
And guess what?
(06:04):
The research in neurosciencesupports this that what we focus
in on strengthens the neuralpathways in our brain associated
with that area that we'refocusing on.
As Dr Rick Hansen explains,where attention goes, neural
firing flows and neuralconnections grow.
(06:24):
So let's grow connections thatsupport a healthy relationship
with ourselves.
So are you ready to dig in today?
I am too, so let's do it.
So how do we know if we have ahealthy relationship with
ourselves?
How do we know if it's healthy?
Well, I want to take youthrough the five key areas that
(06:45):
determine our relational healthwith ourselves, and, as we go
through this, we're setting afoundation to give you something
to reflect on today andthroughout this week.
Okay, so let's not just listento this episode today and then
tuck it away.
Let's turn this into anawareness exercise for this week
(07:08):
so that we can start makingprogress towards having a
healthier relationship withourselves.
Deal, deal.
So let's talk about number oneyour thoughts about yourself.
Take this week and payattention to your repeated
thought patterns.
What do you tell yourself on adaily basis?
(07:29):
Are your thoughts kind,encouraging and supportive, or
are they critical, judgmentaland harsh?
Are you speaking to yourself ina way that you would never
speak to anybody else?
You know, dr Daniel Amen, apsychiatrist and brain health
expert, talks about automaticnegative thoughts or ANTs as he
(07:52):
puts it and those negative,repetitive and self-critical
thoughts shape how we feel andact, and the research shows us
that becoming aware of them isthe first step to rewiring them.
So here's what I want toencourage you to do Start by
(08:13):
simply noticing those thoughtsthat you have towards yourself
and record them in a journal oron your phone.
Begin to get aware of thethoughts that you're thinking
towards yourself, and then youcan move into the awareness of
the ones that are showing up themost, the things that you're
(08:35):
thinking about yourself on aregular basis, and that's gonna
help you have awareness of yourpatterns and remember awareness
is the first step towards change.
All right, let's move on tonumber two, about how we can
determine if we have a healthyrelationship with ourselves and
how we can start moving towardsa healthier relationship with
(08:57):
ourselves, and it's about thewords that you speak about
yourself.
Let me ask you what do you sayabout yourself out loud and in
your mind?
Do you make self-deprecatingjokes all the time?
Are you constantly puttingyourself down without even
realizing it?
Do other people point out thatyou're talking about yourself in
(09:20):
a very negative way?
Do you join in on the banterwhen people are making
disparaging comments towards youand you're laughing them off?
How are you speaking toyourself and you might think
that it's harmless.
You might just be brushing itoff, but the research shows that
the language we use shapes ourbeliefs.
(09:42):
A study in the Journal onCognitive Therapy and Research
found that people who repeatedlyuse negative self-talk
reinforce patterns of lowself-worth and stress responses
in the brain.
Your brain is listening to whatyou're saying about yourself,
(10:03):
both in your brain and with thewords that come out of your
mouth.
Yourself, both in your brainand with the words that come out
of your mouth.
Now, on the flip side, theresearch shows that
self-affirmations and thescience of affirmations has been
shown to strengthen neuralpathways linked to motivation
and positive identity.
(10:23):
The way that you talk aboutyourself is shaping your view of
yourself.
Now I talk about this more indepth on my new course that I
just put out, called Learninghow to Love Yourself.
If you haven't taken thatcourse, I'd encourage you to
take it.
You'll find a link to thatcourse in the show notes of this
episode, or you can simply goto my website at
(10:44):
jerryhendersonorg, or you cansimply go to my website at
jerryhendersonorg.
I truly believe that coursewill help you in learning how to
change the way that you talkabout yourself.
Now, for this next week, I wantto ask you to keep track of how
you talk about yourself inconversations, in your mind and
(11:05):
even on social media.
The words that you use matter,and if you'll bring awareness to
them without judgment.
Let me just pause and say thisDo this without judgment towards
yourself.
Don't beat yourself up that youbeat yourself up, okay.
Give yourself grace.
Use this as a learningopportunity to become curious.
(11:28):
Bring awareness to it, justlike you're bringing awareness
to the thoughts that you'rehaving about yourself, and once
those things come into the light, we then have the power to
start making decisions to changethem.
Have you ever felt like, nomatter what you do, you're stuck
(11:48):
in the same cycles, same doubts, same struggles, same
roadblocks?
If that's you and if you'reready for a real transformation
in your life, I want to inviteyou to join my six-month
one-on-one coaching program.
It's a structured processdesigned to help you break free
from limiting beliefs, help yourewire your mindset and help you
(12:11):
create the life that youactually want to live.
During those six months, we'regoing to cover things like
healing your relationship withyourself.
How can you shift fromself-doubt and self-criticism to
self-compassion and confidence?
How can you rewire your mindset?
How can you train your brainfor resilience, clarity and
possibility?
(12:32):
How can you overcome fear andlimiting beliefs and break the
thought patterns that have keptyou stuck for so long?
We'll work on releasing thosepast wounds and rebuilding your
ability to trust in yourself.
We'll work on creating newhabits and patterns so that you
can develop daily practices thatreinforce your self-worth and
(12:56):
your success.
We'll work on building a visionand a pathway towards the life
that you really want, one thatwill align your actions,
relationships and choices withyour future self.
I want to be clear this isn't aquick fix.
It's deep, lasting change.
We're talking aboutself-transformation from the
(13:18):
inside out.
So if you're ready to take thatfirst step towards rewiring
your mindset and transformingyour life, I want to invite you
to go to my website atjerryhendersonorg, or simply see
the show notes in this episodeand set up a free strategy call
so that we can connect, learnmore about each other and see if
working together is the rightfit.
(13:39):
Set up that free strategy call.
Make this the moment where youmake the decision to start
showing up for yourself like you.
To start showing up foryourself like you've been
showing up for everybody else.
Now the third area that we wantto address is how you feel about
yourself, and the way that youfeel about yourself is directly
(14:01):
linked to those thoughts thatyou're having and those words
that you're saying aboutyourself.
So let me ask this questionwhen you look in the mirror,
what do you see?
What's the first thought thatcomes up?
Do you feel shame,disappointment, indifference, or
do you feel appreciation,compassion and acceptance?
(14:24):
What are the emotions that comeup?
How do you see your potential?
How do you see your potential?
How do you see your worthiness?
Can you envision yourself asbeing successful in
relationships that are healthy,achieving the things that you
want to achieve in your life?
So become aware this week of howyou feel about yourself, how
(14:47):
you see yourself.
You know your emotionalresponse to yourself, and how
you see yourself is one of theclearest indicators of your
relationship with yourself.
Dr Brene Brown's research onshame and vulnerability
highlights that self-acceptanceis the foundation of true
(15:09):
belonging and personal growth.
And if you're in thererejecting yourself instead of
accepting yourself, yourfoundation for secure attachment
, for belonging and for you togrow into the person that you
want to grow into it's veryshaky.
And here's the thing we canstrengthen that foundation by
(15:31):
changing the way that we seeourselves, the way that we feel
about ourselves.
So this week, take an inventory.
What emotions consistently arisewhen you think about yourself,
and can I encourage you to notbe afraid of them?
Okay, because you can heal, youcan change your emotions.
(15:55):
But we have to face whatemotions come up when we think
about ourselves so that we canthen get to the root of why
those emotions are there.
What decisions did we makeabout ourselves in our life?
What decisions did we make whenwe experienced trauma or other
painful life experiences, orwhen we experienced failure in
(16:17):
our life?
What's the story that came fromthose experiences that we keep
telling ourselves that now havedetermined the way that we feel
about ourselves and the way thatwe see ourselves?
Here's a powerful truth.
If the story that you toldyourself of failure and shame
caused you to feel the way thatyou feel about yourself now, the
(16:40):
same thing can happen in apositive direction for you.
When you change the story thatyou carry about yourself, you
begin to change the way you feelabout yourself and the way that
you see yourself.
All right, now let's move on tothe fourth one how do you treat
yourself, because this onefollows the other three Thinking
(17:02):
bad about ourselves, talkingbad about ourselves, feeling bad
about ourselves is then goingto lead into how we treat
ourselves, or the actions thatwe take towards ourselves, or
the inaction that we havetowards ourselves, and I'll
explain that in just a second.
So let me ask are you engagingin self-sabotaging behaviors?
(17:23):
Are you neglecting or showinginaction in self-care, your
health or your emotionalwell-being?
Are you engaging inself-betraying behaviors?
And self-betrayal behaviors canlook like overworking, ignoring
your needs or staying in toxicsituations, and so this week, I
(17:45):
want to invite you to becomeaware of how you treat yourself
with your actions.
Let's do what we've committedto do with our thoughts and our
words and our feelings.
Let's now look at our actions,because our actions are really
going to start telling us aboutthe relationship that we have
(18:06):
with ourselves.
Right, because I could say allday that I believe that I'm
worthy of love.
I can think positive thoughts,but if my actions never align
with it, I'm telling myself thatI don't actually believe it,
and one of the quickest ways totell yourself and to convince
yourself that you're worthy oflove is to start taking action
(18:28):
in loving behaviors towardsyourself.
You know, the research inbehavioral psychology suggests
that consistent self-carepractices will lead to an
increased ability to emotionallyregulate ourselves and build
resilience in our life.
You know it's interesting Onestudy published in Health
(18:49):
Psychology found that people whoprioritize self-care have lower
levels of the stress hormonecortisol, and they self-report
having experienced increases orimprovements in their overall
emotional well-being.
It's incredible, right?
You show yourself that you loveyourself, you feel better about
(19:10):
yourself, which puts you in abetter mood overall and winds up
reducing your stress levelsoverall.
Fascinating, isn't it?
What happens when we begin toact towards ourselves in ways
that are loving and arecommunicating to us that we're
worthy of love.
Now let's move on to talkingabout the fifth area, which is
(19:31):
how you let other people treatyou.
I mean, this is a big one.
We often allow other people totreat us the way that we're
treating ourselves.
I mean, if you toleratedisrespect, neglect or emotional
unavailability from others, askyourself am I doing the same
thing to myself?
(19:52):
Because we're going to letpeople treat us in a way that we
feel that we're worthy of, thatwe feel comfortable with, that
feels normal to us and that isusually aligned with the way
that we're treating ourselves,because, guess what we're with
ourselves 24-7.
And so if we're treatingourselves in ways that are not
kind, that are self-neglecting,then guess what?
(20:18):
Our system has gotten used tofeeling that way.
And people who treat usdifferent than that, who show us
genuine love, show us genuineconnection, that's going to feel
uncomfortable to us because oursystem is used to the way that
we treat us and now we're goingto find people who align with
the way that we treat ourselvesand that's why we keep getting
into toxic relationships, toxicpatterns, that's why, in the
(20:39):
relationships that we're in, wekeep stirring up drama and chaos
, etc.
Because that feels morecomfortable to us at a
subconscious level.
So this week, take time, thinkabout it.
How do you let other peopletreat you?
Because here's the truth aboutthis, the hard truth about this
the way you let other peopletreat you is often a mirror of
(21:02):
your own self-worth.
So pay attention to it, reflecton it, record it.
And let me say something elseNothing I'm saying today is
about judgment.
This is about encouragement.
This is about helping you seeareas that you have agency over
to control.
And so if you're feeling anysense of shame about how you
(21:26):
treat yourself or how you letother people treat you.
Can I encourage you to not godown that path today, to allow
yourself to simply sit incuriosity, in learning, in
compassion towards yourself,Because all of the stuff that
I'm talking about, remember,these are coping mechanisms that
(21:47):
we developed as a way to staysafe, and so the part of you
that beats you up thinks thatthat's what you need to be able
to stay motivated or to improveyourself, or whatever the story
is that goes with that.
I mean, everybody's different,so I don't want that to be a
generalization, but as you thinkabout it, ask yourself, as
(22:07):
you're recording these things,what need is that behavior
meeting for me?
So we're becoming aware of it,we're bringing it into the light
, we're understanding what theneed is, that it's meeting for
us.
We're practicingself-compassion towards
ourselves, becauseself-compassion energy is the
energy that allows us to bringchange in our life in a way
(22:31):
that's positive and sustainable,and then we can move into
what's going to be the next partof this exercise, which is
about bringing some change.
Now, the good news is, all ofthis can change.
You have the ability totransform your life.
Yes, you and you might befeeling like, well, no, I'm the
(22:51):
one person who can't change.
I've tried and it doesn't workfor me.
I'm different.
I've got a unique story.
You do have a unique story.
You do have a unique story, butthat unique story doesn't mean
that you can't change.
It's not a unique story thatneeds to keep you trapped.
It's not a unique story thatmakes you broken, uniquely
(23:12):
flawed, unchangeable, broken forlife.
No, it's a story that's uniqueto you, but it does not mean
that you're uniquely broken,that you can't heal, that you
can't transform.
You can change your life, youcan heal your life.
(23:35):
May I say it again to you youcan change your life, you can
heal your life.
Now, before we move on to somepractical steps about how you
can start making some changes, Iwant to encourage you to go to
the show notes in this episode,because in this episode or on my
website at jerryhendersonorg,you can find a free PDF that you
(24:00):
can use to track how you'redoing in these five areas over
this next week.
It's actually designed to beused over a 30-day period, but
just start with this week anduse it as a tool to start
developing a healthierrelationship with yourself.
So, once again, I want toinvite you download that PDF.
(24:21):
You can see the show notes oryou can go to my website.
Now let's talk about change.
Now, one thing I don't want youto do is walk away from this
episode feeling overwhelmed.
It's like, hey, I got thesefive areas and I'm tracking all
of them and I'm trying to seewhat's going on with them.
That is for awareness.
Okay, that's for you just tobegin to monitor it, think about
(24:43):
it, see it and once againapproach it from self-compassion
.
Can I encourage you Don't tryto change everything at once.
And the reason I'm inviting youto reflect on all five areas is
because, as you do it, you toreflect on all five areas is
because, as you do it, more thanlikely one area is going to
come up to you as something thatneeds some work.
(25:04):
So, even though you're lookingat five different areas, let me
encourage you once again don'ttry to change everything at once
.
That is definitely a recipe toset yourself up for failure and
burnout.
Instead, this is what I'd likeyou to do Choose just one area
from what you've recorded, whatyou've listed, what you've
(25:27):
become aware of that you want tostart working on.
Maybe it's your self-talk, maybeit's your self-care, maybe it's
setting boundaries inrelationships.
Whatever it is.
Once you have that one area,decide on one simple action that
you can take consistently thisweek.
(25:50):
Let me say it again One areaand one simple action that you
can do what Consistently for aweek.
So make it easy, make it doable.
And one simple action that youcan do what Consistently for a
week?
So make it easy, make it doable.
Don't set the bar on it highand make it easy for you to make
excuses as to why you can't doit.
We're talking low bar hereright now.
(26:11):
Okay, so maybe it's just onephrase that you say about
yourself that you've seen as apattern, that you want to stop
saying that and you want toreplace it with a more kind and
compassionate phrase aboutyourself or towards yourself.
Okay, that in and of itself bigdeal, okay, huge deal.
(26:34):
That's a great place to startand that's all you need to start
with, because, remember,success is built by stacking
small wins, not by trying tooverhaul your life overnight,
and science supports this.
Research supports this.
It shows us that we change byengaging in small, incremental
(26:57):
shifts.
Think of them as micro changes.
You know, we get so wrapped upin trying to do these macro
changes in our life and that'swhy we get burnout around it.
But here's the research on this.
Dr BJ Fogg, a behavioralscientist at Stanford University
, found that tiny, consistenthabits are the key to lasting
(27:19):
transformation.
His research shows that makingsmall changes, like shifting one
repeated thought, replacing oneself-critical phrase or taking
one moment of self-care, createsmomentum.
And what happens Over time?
These micro-changes compoundno-transcript.
(28:02):
They've gotten change fatigue.
They now have what is learned,helplessness.
And this often comes fromsetting ourselves up for failure
by trying to make too manychanges all at once, and then we
experience setbacks and then webelieve that we can't change
and we're drowning out ourmotivation for change.
(28:23):
And so, instead of doing that,set yourself up for a win and
then celebrate the wins when youdo it.
And as you do that, you startwiring into your system the
belief that you can change.
Better to make a small microchange and succeed at it than
(28:45):
trying to do grand change andcontinually failing at it.
So my encouragement, myinvitation start small, one step
, one shift.
Okay, awesome.
And because I'm super curiousand because I really care about
you, I would love to hear whatyou're working on.
(29:05):
So if you want to take me up onthat invitation, dm me on
Instagram.
My handle there is at Jerry AHenderson.
Or find me on LinkedIn samehandle at Jerry A Henderson.
Or send me an email at jerry atjerryhendersonorg, and let me
know what you're going to befocusing in on this week and
(29:28):
that way I can encourage you onit and I can root for you and I
can hold space for you as you'retrying to make that change.
Okay, don't be a stranger.
Reach out Now.
If you'd like some help on yourjourney of self-transformation
and learning how to have ahealthy relationship with
yourself or how to become ahealthy high achiever and avoid
burnout and create sustainablesuccess for yourself, I want to
(29:49):
invite you to go to my websiteat jerryhendersonorg.
Set up a free strategy call.
I'd love to connect with youand see if working together is
the right fit, so reach out tome there.
I'm looking forward toconnecting with you Now.
If this episode helped you, canI encourage you?
Share it with somebody you know, because if it helped you, it's
going to help them as well.
(30:09):
And also, don't forget tosubscribe or to follow so that
you don't miss our nextconversation on the Permission
to Love podcast.
And until next time, let meremind you, as I always do.
You are worthy of your own love.
Welcome everybody.
I am fired up about today'sepisode.
Why?
Because we're diving into atopic that is at the core of
everything I teach.
Now, if you've been here andyou've been following this
podcast or following my work fora while, you'll know that this
isn't just another episode.
(00:20):
It's a conversation that we'vehad and that we're going to keep
having again and again.
And what's the conversation?
Your relationship with yourself, and why do we keep talking
about it and why are we going tocontinue to talk about it?
Because your relationship withyourself is absolutely
(00:42):
everything.
Hello everybody, and welcome tothe Permission to Love podcast,
a podcast where we haveconversations about
self-transformation, buildingresilience, living a life that
is rooted in self-compassion,how we can change our mindset
and how to give ourselves thepermission to thrive by giving
(01:04):
ourselves the permission to loveourselves.
Now, whether you're a highachiever, a trauma survivor, or
you're just simply interested inthe work of self-transformation
and how to cultivate ahealthier, more fulfilling life,
this podcast is for you.
Every week, we dive deep intothe topics that truly matter,
the ones that shape how weexperience the world, how we
(01:27):
relate to one another and, mostimportantly, how we relate to
ourselves.
Because if there's one thingI've learned as I've talked
about it's that everything inyour life is a reflection of
your relationship with yourself.
Reflection of your relationshipwith yourself.
(01:49):
In fact, the very first reel Iever made on social media was
about this topic, and today Iwant to take a step back and
fully revisit this topic again.
And here's the thing you can'ttalk about this enough.
You know, I remember sittingwith a highly effective
communicator who had beencommunicating to audiences for
decades, and he told me this.
(02:10):
He said if people aren't sickof you saying it, you haven't
said it enough.
And I've taken that to heart,especially around topics like
this, because this is one ofthose truths that we as a
community need to keep comingback to again and again.
So today, let's do just that.
(02:30):
Let's slow down and let's trulytake an inventory today of
where we stand in ourrelationship with ourselves.
So I invite you, if you're ableto get a notepad pencil or
however you take your notes andtake some time to engage in the
(02:51):
exercises that I'm going to askyou to do as a part of this
episode.
Now, I remember the moment Irealized just how important my
relationship with myself is.
It was an absolute turningpoint in my life and now, as I
mentioned, it's the first thingI work on with my coaching
clients.
Why?
(03:11):
Because the way you seeyourself is determining how you
see others, it's how you see theworld and, ultimately, it is
determining what is manifestingin your life.
And so, if we want to changewhat we're experiencing, we have
to change the experience thatwe're having with ourselves.
(03:34):
Now, here's the interestingthing about this, right, even
though it is the most importantrelationship in our life, for
many of us especially for traumasurvivors and high achievers,
who are often driven to provethemselves this is the most
neglected relationship in ourlives.
That's the paradox, right, it'sthe most important one, but
(03:57):
it's also the one that weneglect the most.
Now, for many of us, we trackour business goals, our income,
our fitness, our performance, etcetera.
We even have KPIs for thosethings, right, but here's the
hard truth we rarely stop andassess the quality of the
(04:17):
relationship that we have withourselves.
We don't set KPIs for ourself-worth, our self-talk, our
own inner peace, but we should,shouldn't we?
And in today's episode, I'mhoping to lay a bit of a
foundation that will allow youto start measuring that, because
research has found that thosewho develop a healthy
(04:39):
relationship with themselvesexperience lower levels of
anxiety and depression.
They have greater levels ofresilience in the face of
failure.
Studies also show thatself-compassionate people are
more likely to achieve long-termsuccess than those who rely on
self-criticism as a motivator.
(05:00):
So if you're beating yourselfup hoping that that'll cause you
to change, guess what?
The research is showing thatthat's actually moving you
backwards and that if you'llshift to self-compassion, that
is actually what's going to takeyou towards the life that you
want to live.
So today, as I mentioned, I wantto help you take an honest look
(05:21):
at your relationship withyourself, because once you start
paying attention to it,everything changes.
Let me say that again Once youstart paying attention to
becoming aware of yourrelationship with yourself,
everything in your life willshift.
(05:43):
Everything will begin to change, because where our attention
goes, our energy goes, and if westart putting attention on our
relationship with ourselves, itallows us to put energy towards
making the changes that we wantto make.
And guess what?
(06:04):
The research in neurosciencesupports this that what we focus
in on strengthens the neuralpathways in our brain associated
with that area that we'refocusing on.
As Dr Rick Hansen explains,where attention goes, neural
firing flows and neuralconnections grow.
(06:24):
So let's grow connections thatsupport a healthy relationship
with ourselves.
So are you ready to dig in today?
I am too, so let's do it.
So how do we know if we have ahealthy relationship with
ourselves?
How do we know if it's healthy?
Well, I want to take youthrough the five key areas that
(06:45):
determine our relational healthwith ourselves, and, as we go
through this, we're setting afoundation to give you something
to reflect on today andthroughout this week.
Okay, so let's not just listento this episode today and then
tuck it away.
Let's turn this into anawareness exercise for this week
(07:08):
so that we can start makingprogress towards having a
healthier relationship withourselves.
Deal, deal.
So let's talk about number oneyour thoughts about yourself.
Take this week and payattention to your repeated
thought patterns.
What do you tell yourself on adaily basis?
(07:29):
Are your thoughts kind,encouraging and supportive, or
are they critical, judgmentaland harsh?
Are you speaking to yourself ina way that you would never
speak to anybody else?
You know, dr Daniel Amen, apsychiatrist and brain health
expert, talks about automaticnegative thoughts or ANTs as he
(07:52):
puts it and those negative,repetitive and self-critical
thoughts shape how we feel andact, and the research shows us
that becoming aware of them isthe first step to rewiring them.
So here's what I want toencourage you to do Start by
(08:13):
simply noticing those thoughtsthat you have towards yourself
and record them in a journal oron your phone.
Begin to get aware of thethoughts that you're thinking
towards yourself, and then youcan move into the awareness of
the ones that are showing up themost, the things that you're
(08:35):
thinking about yourself on aregular basis, and that's gonna
help you have awareness of yourpatterns and remember awareness
is the first step towards change.
All right, let's move on tonumber two, about how we can
determine if we have a healthyrelationship with ourselves and
how we can start moving towardsa healthier relationship with
(08:57):
ourselves, and it's about thewords that you speak about
yourself.
Let me ask you what do you sayabout yourself out loud and in
your mind?
Do you make self-deprecatingjokes all the time?
Are you constantly puttingyourself down without even
realizing it?
Do other people point out thatyou're talking about yourself in
(09:20):
a very negative way?
Do you join in on the banterwhen people are making
disparaging comments towards youand you're laughing them off?
How are you speaking toyourself and you might think
that it's harmless.
You might just be brushing itoff, but the research shows that
the language we use shapes ourbeliefs.
(09:42):
A study in the Journal onCognitive Therapy and Research
found that people who repeatedlyuse negative self-talk
reinforce patterns of lowself-worth and stress responses
in the brain.
Your brain is listening to whatyou're saying about yourself,
(10:03):
both in your brain and with thewords that come out of your
mouth.
Yourself, both in your brainand with the words that come out
of your mouth.
Now, on the flip side, theresearch shows that
self-affirmations and thescience of affirmations has been
shown to strengthen neuralpathways linked to motivation
and positive identity.
(10:23):
The way that you talk aboutyourself is shaping your view of
yourself.
Now I talk about this more indepth on my new course that I
just put out, called Learninghow to Love Yourself.
If you haven't taken thatcourse, I'd encourage you to
take it.
You'll find a link to thatcourse in the show notes of this
episode, or you can simply goto my website at
(10:44):
jerryhendersonorg, or you cansimply go to my website at
jerryhendersonorg.
I truly believe that coursewill help you in learning how to
change the way that you talkabout yourself.
Now, for this next week, I wantto ask you to keep track of how
you talk about yourself inconversations, in your mind and
(11:05):
even on social media.
The words that you use matter,and if you'll bring awareness to
them without judgment.
Let me just pause and say thisDo this without judgment towards
yourself.
Don't beat yourself up that youbeat yourself up, okay.
Give yourself grace.
Use this as a learningopportunity to become curious.
(11:28):
Bring awareness to it, justlike you're bringing awareness
to the thoughts that you'rehaving about yourself, and once
those things come into the light, we then have the power to
start making decisions to changethem.
Have you ever felt like, nomatter what you do, you're stuck
(11:48):
in the same cycles, same doubts, same struggles, same
roadblocks?
If that's you and if you'reready for a real transformation
in your life, I want to inviteyou to join my six-month
one-on-one coaching program.
It's a structured processdesigned to help you break free
from limiting beliefs, help yourewire your mindset and help you
(12:11):
create the life that youactually want to live.
During those six months, we'regoing to cover things like
healing your relationship withyourself.
How can you shift fromself-doubt and self-criticism to
self-compassion and confidence?
How can you rewire your mindset?
How can you train your brainfor resilience, clarity and
possibility?
(12:32):
How can you overcome fear andlimiting beliefs and break the
thought patterns that have keptyou stuck for so long?
We'll work on releasing thosepast wounds and rebuilding your
ability to trust in yourself.
We'll work on creating newhabits and patterns so that you
can develop daily practices thatreinforce your self-worth and
(12:56):
your success.
We'll work on building a visionand a pathway towards the life
that you really want, one thatwill align your actions,
relationships and choices withyour future self.
I want to be clear this isn't aquick fix.
It's deep, lasting change.
We're talking aboutself-transformation from the
(13:18):
inside out.
So if you're ready to take thatfirst step towards rewiring
your mindset and transformingyour life, I want to invite you
to go to my website atjerryhendersonorg, or simply see
the show notes in this episodeand set up a free strategy call
so that we can connect, learnmore about each other and see if
working together is the rightfit.
(13:39):
Set up that free strategy call.
Make this the moment where youmake the decision to start
showing up for yourself like you.
To start showing up foryourself like you've been
showing up for everybody else.
Now the third area that we wantto address is how you feel about
yourself, and the way that youfeel about yourself is directly
(14:01):
linked to those thoughts thatyou're having and those words
that you're saying aboutyourself.
So let me ask this questionwhen you look in the mirror,
what do you see?
What's the first thought thatcomes up?
Do you feel shame,disappointment, indifference, or
do you feel appreciation,compassion and acceptance?
(14:24):
What are the emotions that comeup?
How do you see your potential?
How do you see your potential?
How do you see your worthiness?
Can you envision yourself asbeing successful in
relationships that are healthy,achieving the things that you
want to achieve in your life?
So become aware this week of howyou feel about yourself, how
(14:47):
you see yourself.
You know your emotionalresponse to yourself, and how
you see yourself is one of theclearest indicators of your
relationship with yourself.
Dr Brene Brown's research onshame and vulnerability
highlights that self-acceptanceis the foundation of true
(15:09):
belonging and personal growth.
And if you're in thererejecting yourself instead of
accepting yourself, yourfoundation for secure attachment
, for belonging and for you togrow into the person that you
want to grow into it's veryshaky.
And here's the thing we canstrengthen that foundation by
(15:31):
changing the way that we seeourselves, the way that we feel
about ourselves.
So this week, take an inventory.
What emotions consistently arisewhen you think about yourself,
and can I encourage you to notbe afraid of them?
Okay, because you can heal, youcan change your emotions.
(15:55):
But we have to face whatemotions come up when we think
about ourselves so that we canthen get to the root of why
those emotions are there.
What decisions did we makeabout ourselves in our life?
What decisions did we make whenwe experienced trauma or other
painful life experiences, orwhen we experienced failure in
(16:17):
our life?
What's the story that came fromthose experiences that we keep
telling ourselves that now havedetermined the way that we feel
about ourselves and the way thatwe see ourselves?
Here's a powerful truth.
If the story that you toldyourself of failure and shame
caused you to feel the way thatyou feel about yourself now, the
(16:40):
same thing can happen in apositive direction for you.
When you change the story thatyou carry about yourself, you
begin to change the way you feelabout yourself and the way that
you see yourself.
All right, now let's move on tothe fourth one how do you treat
yourself, because this onefollows the other three Thinking
(17:02):
bad about ourselves, talkingbad about ourselves, feeling bad
about ourselves is then goingto lead into how we treat
ourselves, or the actions thatwe take towards ourselves, or
the inaction that we havetowards ourselves, and I'll
explain that in just a second.
So let me ask are you engagingin self-sabotaging behaviors?
(17:23):
Are you neglecting or showinginaction in self-care, your
health or your emotionalwell-being?
Are you engaging inself-betraying behaviors?
And self-betrayal behaviors canlook like overworking, ignoring
your needs or staying in toxicsituations, and so this week, I
(17:45):
want to invite you to becomeaware of how you treat yourself
with your actions.
Let's do what we've committedto do with our thoughts and our
words and our feelings.
Let's now look at our actions,because our actions are really
going to start telling us aboutthe relationship that we have
(18:06):
with ourselves.
Right, because I could say allday that I believe that I'm
worthy of love.
I can think positive thoughts,but if my actions never align
with it, I'm telling myself thatI don't actually believe it,
and one of the quickest ways totell yourself and to convince
yourself that you're worthy oflove is to start taking action
(18:28):
in loving behaviors towardsyourself.
You know, the research inbehavioral psychology suggests
that consistent self-carepractices will lead to an
increased ability to emotionallyregulate ourselves and build
resilience in our life.
You know it's interesting Onestudy published in Health
(18:49):
Psychology found that people whoprioritize self-care have lower
levels of the stress hormonecortisol, and they self-report
having experienced increases orimprovements in their overall
emotional well-being.
It's incredible, right?
You show yourself that you loveyourself, you feel better about
(19:10):
yourself, which puts you in abetter mood overall and winds up
reducing your stress levelsoverall.
Fascinating, isn't it?
What happens when we begin toact towards ourselves in ways
that are loving and arecommunicating to us that we're
worthy of love.
Now let's move on to talkingabout the fifth area, which is
(19:31):
how you let other people treatyou.
I mean, this is a big one.
We often allow other people totreat us the way that we're
treating ourselves.
I mean, if you toleratedisrespect, neglect or emotional
unavailability from others, askyourself am I doing the same
thing to myself?
(19:52):
Because we're going to letpeople treat us in a way that we
feel that we're worthy of, thatwe feel comfortable with, that
feels normal to us and that isusually aligned with the way
that we're treating ourselves,because, guess what we're with
ourselves 24-7.
And so if we're treatingourselves in ways that are not
kind, that are self-neglecting,then guess what?
(20:18):
Our system has gotten used tofeeling that way.
And people who treat usdifferent than that, who show us
genuine love, show us genuineconnection, that's going to feel
uncomfortable to us because oursystem is used to the way that
we treat us and now we're goingto find people who align with
the way that we treat ourselvesand that's why we keep getting
into toxic relationships, toxicpatterns, that's why, in the
(20:39):
relationships that we're in, wekeep stirring up drama and chaos
, etc.
Because that feels morecomfortable to us at a
subconscious level.
So this week, take time, thinkabout it.
How do you let other peopletreat you?
Because here's the truth aboutthis, the hard truth about this
the way you let other peopletreat you is often a mirror of
(21:02):
your own self-worth.
So pay attention to it, reflecton it, record it.
And let me say something elseNothing I'm saying today is
about judgment.
This is about encouragement.
This is about helping you seeareas that you have agency over
to control.
And so if you're feeling anysense of shame about how you
(21:26):
treat yourself or how you letother people treat you.
Can I encourage you to not godown that path today, to allow
yourself to simply sit incuriosity, in learning, in
compassion towards yourself,Because all of the stuff that
I'm talking about, remember,these are coping mechanisms that
(21:47):
we developed as a way to staysafe, and so the part of you
that beats you up thinks thatthat's what you need to be able
to stay motivated or to improveyourself, or whatever the story
is that goes with that.
I mean, everybody's different,so I don't want that to be a
generalization, but as you thinkabout it, ask yourself, as
(22:07):
you're recording these things,what need is that behavior
meeting for me?
So we're becoming aware of it,we're bringing it into the light
, we're understanding what theneed is, that it's meeting for
us.
We're practicingself-compassion towards
ourselves, becauseself-compassion energy is the
energy that allows us to bringchange in our life in a way
(22:31):
that's positive and sustainable,and then we can move into
what's going to be the next partof this exercise, which is
about bringing some change.
Now, the good news is, all ofthis can change.
You have the ability totransform your life.
Yes, you and you might befeeling like, well, no, I'm the
(22:51):
one person who can't change.
I've tried and it doesn't workfor me.
I'm different.
I've got a unique story.
You do have a unique story.
You do have a unique story, butthat unique story doesn't mean
that you can't change.
It's not a unique story thatneeds to keep you trapped.
It's not a unique story thatmakes you broken, uniquely
(23:12):
flawed, unchangeable, broken forlife.
No, it's a story that's uniqueto you, but it does not mean
that you're uniquely broken,that you can't heal, that you
can't transform.
You can change your life, youcan heal your life.
(23:35):
May I say it again to you youcan change your life, you can
heal your life.
Now, before we move on to somepractical steps about how you
can start making some changes, Iwant to encourage you to go to
the show notes in this episode,because in this episode or on my
website at jerryhendersonorg,you can find a free PDF that you
(24:00):
can use to track how you'redoing in these five areas over
this next week.
It's actually designed to beused over a 30-day period, but
just start with this week anduse it as a tool to start
developing a healthierrelationship with yourself.
So, once again, I want toinvite you download that PDF.
(24:21):
You can see the show notes oryou can go to my website.
Now let's talk about change.
Now, one thing I don't want youto do is walk away from this
episode feeling overwhelmed.
It's like, hey, I got thesefive areas and I'm tracking all
of them and I'm trying to seewhat's going on with them.
That is for awareness.
Okay, that's for you just tobegin to monitor it, think about
(24:43):
it, see it and once againapproach it from self-compassion
.
Can I encourage you Don't tryto change everything at once.
And the reason I'm inviting youto reflect on all five areas is
because, as you do it, you toreflect on all five areas is
because, as you do it, more thanlikely one area is going to
come up to you as something thatneeds some work.
(25:04):
So, even though you're lookingat five different areas, let me
encourage you once again don'ttry to change everything at once
.
That is definitely a recipe toset yourself up for failure and
burnout.
Instead, this is what I'd likeyou to do Choose just one area
from what you've recorded, whatyou've listed, what you've
(25:27):
become aware of that you want tostart working on.
Maybe it's your self-talk, maybeit's your self-care, maybe it's
setting boundaries inrelationships.
Whatever it is.
Once you have that one area,decide on one simple action that
you can take consistently thisweek.
(25:50):
Let me say it again One areaand one simple action that you
can do what Consistently for aweek.
So make it easy, make it doable.
And one simple action that youcan do what Consistently for a
week?
So make it easy, make it doable.
Don't set the bar on it highand make it easy for you to make
excuses as to why you can't doit.
We're talking low bar hereright now.
(26:11):
Okay, so maybe it's just onephrase that you say about
yourself that you've seen as apattern, that you want to stop
saying that and you want toreplace it with a more kind and
compassionate phrase aboutyourself or towards yourself.
Okay, that in and of itself bigdeal, okay, huge deal.
(26:34):
That's a great place to startand that's all you need to start
with, because, remember,success is built by stacking
small wins, not by trying tooverhaul your life overnight,
and science supports this.
Research supports this.
It shows us that we change byengaging in small, incremental
(26:57):
shifts.
Think of them as micro changes.
You know, we get so wrapped upin trying to do these macro
changes in our life and that'swhy we get burnout around it.
But here's the research on this.
Dr BJ Fogg, a behavioralscientist at Stanford University
, found that tiny, consistenthabits are the key to lasting
(27:19):
transformation.
His research shows that makingsmall changes, like shifting one
repeated thought, replacing oneself-critical phrase or taking
one moment of self-care, createsmomentum.
And what happens Over time?
These micro-changes compoundno-transcript.
(28:02):
They've gotten change fatigue.
They now have what is learned,helplessness.
And this often comes fromsetting ourselves up for failure
by trying to make too manychanges all at once, and then we
experience setbacks and then webelieve that we can't change
and we're drowning out ourmotivation for change.
(28:23):
And so, instead of doing that,set yourself up for a win and
then celebrate the wins when youdo it.
And as you do that, you startwiring into your system the
belief that you can change.
Better to make a small microchange and succeed at it than
(28:45):
trying to do grand change andcontinually failing at it.
So my encouragement, myinvitation start small, one step
, one shift.
Okay, awesome.
And because I'm super curiousand because I really care about
you, I would love to hear whatyou're working on.
(29:05):
So if you want to take me up onthat invitation, dm me on
Instagram.
My handle there is at Jerry AHenderson.
Or find me on LinkedIn samehandle at Jerry A Henderson.
Or send me an email at jerry atjerryhendersonorg, and let me
know what you're going to befocusing in on this week and
(29:28):
that way I can encourage you onit and I can root for you and I
can hold space for you as you'retrying to make that change.
Okay, don't be a stranger.
Reach out Now.
If you'd like some help on yourjourney of self-transformation
and learning how to have ahealthy relationship with
yourself or how to become ahealthy high achiever and avoid
burnout and create sustainablesuccess for yourself, I want to
(29:49):
invite you to go to my websiteat jerryhendersonorg.
Set up a free strategy call.
I'd love to connect with youand see if working together is
the right fit, so reach out tome there.
I'm looking forward toconnecting with you Now.
If this episode helped you, canI encourage you?
Share it with somebody you know, because if it helped you, it's
going to help them as well.
(30:09):
And also, don't forget tosubscribe or to follow so that
you don't miss our nextconversation on the Permission
to Love podcast.
And until next time, let meremind you, as I always do.
You are worthy of your own love.
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