December 30, 2024 • 26 mins
In this episode, we begin an exciting new series titled Resilient by Design. Together, we explore what resilience truly means, how trauma impacts our capacity to be resilient, and practical ways to cultivate resilience in our lives.
Drawing on research, neuropsychology, and personal insights, we discuss how resilience isn’t about being unshakable but about adapting to life's challenges.
Learn how survival resilience differs from thriving resilience, why self-compassion is crucial in building resilience, and how trauma affects our brains and behaviors.
Whether you’ve experienced adversity or simply want to strengthen your ability to adapt and thrive, this episode provides a compassionate and informative guide to help you start building resilience today.
Chapters:
00:00 Introduction to the Series
03:09 The Cycle of Goals and Shame
04:20 Trauma and Resilience: The Connection
06:29 What is Resilience?
10:03 The Role of Relationships in Resilience
12:28 Addressing Comparison and Self-Judgment
15:01 Survival vs. Thriving Resilience
18:09 Trauma’s Impact on the Brain
22:09 The Path Forward: Building Resilience
25:39 Looking Ahead
Key Takeaways:
- Resilience is not innate; it is a skill we can develop through intentional practices.
- Trauma survivors often excel at survival resilience but may need tools to transition to thriving resilience.
- Self-compassion is vital for building resilience and overcoming self-judgment.
- Connection with others is a cornerstone of resilience.
- The brain’s neuroplasticity allows us to rewire and strengthen resilience through consistent effort and support.
Practical Tools:
- Mindfulness Practices: Learn to calm the fight-or-flight response.
- Supportive Relationships: Build a community to foster connection and growth.
- Self-Compassion: Shift from shame-based self-talk to curious and hopeful language.
For personalized support in building resilience, visit JerryHenderson.org to learn more about Jerry’s coaching program.
I am grateful you are here,
Jerry
Setup Your FREE Strategy Call:
Schedule Call
Website:
www.jerryhenderson.org
🔗 Access the course "Learning How to Love Yourself" here:
How is your relationship with yourself going?
Get your free-self assessment guide
Pick up your copy of my book:
Returning: Meditations and Reflections on Self-Love and Healing
Watch On Youtube
Get Your Free Weekly Healing Tips!
Instagram: @jerryahenderson
Linkedin: www.linkedin.com/in/jerryahenderson
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jerry Henderson (00:00):
These two types of resilience right, the
resilience to survive and thenthe resilience to thrive are
different, but they're alsointerconnected.
They're both forms ofresilience, but they have
different outcomes and they'recoming from a place of a
different core energy that'saround them.
And so, yes, while we're sograteful for the resilience that
(00:20):
helped us survive, what we wantto learn to do is take that
resilience that we've developed,build on it and begin to turn
it towards the resilience tothrive.
Hello everybody, and welcome tothis episode of the Permission
to Love podcast.
I am your host, jerry Henderson, and, as always, I am so
grateful that you've taken timeout of your schedule to invest
(00:43):
in yourself by listening to thisepisode, and I do want to say
that I hope you enjoyed therecent series that we did on the
best of the Permission to Lovepodcast.
It was really such anincredible journey for me to
revisit some of those episodes,and I'm really grateful for all
of you who reached out, gaveyour feedback about how much you
were enjoying that series, andso thank you, thank you for
(01:04):
being here and thank you forbeing a part of the community of
the Permission to Love podcast.
Now I do have to say that it'sreally good to be back behind
this microphone, because todaywe're kicking off a brand new
series about resilience, and I'mtitling it Resilient by Design,
because the truth is, ourresilience is something that we
(01:25):
can design in our life.
It's not something thatpassively happens.
We have to be intentional aboutit.
So I hope this series can helpyou in developing resilience.
I also think that there'sreally no better time for us to
be having this conversation thanright now.
As I said, we're getting readyto kick off a new year, and
January is often a time whenmany of us look ahead, set our
(01:48):
goals, make resolutions.
But here's a startling truthResearch shows that nearly 80%
of New Year's resolutions areabandoned by February.
Man, that really shocked mewhen I read that statistic.
But I do have to say that I'mvery familiar with that process
of setting some goals,abandoning them and getting into
(02:11):
a shame cycle about them.
I used to go through thisprocess of setting these really
big goals and setting a lot ofgoals at one time to make a lot
of big changes, and I didn'trealize that actually what I was
doing was setting myself up forfailure.
And while I was excited aboutthose changes and reaching those
goals.
What I didn't realize was thatI was pushing myself beyond what
(02:33):
was realistic and settingmyself up for sabotaging myself
as a part of doing that andfinding myself continually
repeating that pattern.
I really dug into what was thatpattern all about and how could
I develop some resilience, somediscipline, really get goals
that were meaningful, that wereable to be accomplished and that
(02:55):
weren't so far out there thatthey were realistic and my
system almost dismissed thembecause they were so unrealistic
, which then led to trying toaccomplish them, then abandoning
them and then going throughthat whole cycle that I just
described earlier.
So I hope what I share with youin this series can really be
helpful for you, and I do wantto make a note that this will be
(03:15):
especially useful for those ofus who have a trauma background.
If you've experienced trauma inyour life, as a child, or a
toxic relationship or the lossof somebody or whatever that
traumatic experience was, it canhave a big impact on our
resilience, and we're going totalk specifically about that the
(03:36):
impact of trauma on our abilityto be resilient, and how can we
begin to develop resilience inour life, how can we begin to
overcome that?
Because here's the truth You'renot trapped in that.
I know it may feel like it.
I know there might be a lot ofconfusion about why do I keep
trying to move forward and Ikeep facing these setbacks and I
don't have the type ofresilience to face some of the
(03:59):
hardships or the challenges thatare being presented in my life.
Well, I'm hoping to help,through this series, to help
explain that, to help you formsome compassion for yourself
which, by the way, is a reallyimportant part of developing
resilience and then help journeywith you to a place where
you're becoming more and moreresilient in your journey.
(04:20):
I do want to take a moment andnote that I did recently do a
standalone episode on resilience.
It was a part of the happinessseries that we did, but I had a
lot of requests from people togo deeper into the topic of
resilience.
Right, it's a big topic today.
You hear a lot about it,there's books on it, all kinds
of information out there, butone of the things that I think
(04:42):
can be missing, and I think thatpeople are really wanting to
hear about, is how traumaimpacted their ability to be
resilient, also understandingwhat are some of the roadblocks
to being able to be resilient,because it's one thing to hear
about resilience, that we needto be resilient, that it's a
great thing.
It helps us accomplish ourgoals.
It's another thing to begin tounderstand.
(05:02):
Why am I struggling so muchwith resilience?
Why can't I be resilient likethe other people that you might
be comparing yourself to?
Because that whole conversationthat we have with ourselves can
be very disheartening, veryfrustrating, and that
conversation in itself can beginto sabotage the development of
resilience in our life.
So this series is a response tomany of you wanting me to dig
(05:23):
in deeper around the topic ofresilience in our life.
So this series is a response tomany of you wanting me to dig
in deeper around the topic ofresilience.
Now, before we continue, I dojust want to take a brief moment
to ask you for a favor.
Did you know that nearly halfof podcast listeners enjoy
episodes without ever hittingthe follow button?
And so I want to invite you totake a moment to do that today,
(05:45):
because subscribing to thispodcast is going to ensure that
you never miss an episode.
You're going to get thosereminders, and it also helps us
grow and reach more people whocould benefit from these
conversations, and hitting thatfollow button is also a very
simple way to show your support,and it truly means the world to
me.
So, if you're finding value inthis podcast, take a second
(06:08):
right now.
Hit that follow button onwhatever platform that you're
using, because your action notonly helps this podcast thrive,
but it also allows me to keepcreating the content that
supports you and others on thisjourney.
So thank you for being a partof this community and thank you
for your support.
I'm truly grateful for it.
(06:29):
So let's go ahead and dive intothe topic of resilience as a
part of this first episode inthis series of Resilience by
Design.
Now let me ask you a fewquestions.
What comes to mind when youthink of that word resilience?
Well, many people think itmeans being tough, never showing
weakness or always bouncingback quickly.
(06:50):
But resilience isn't aboutbeing unshakable.
It's about being adaptable.
Psychologists define resilienceas the process of adapting well
in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or
significant sources of stress,such as family and relationship
problems, serious healthproblems or workplace and
(07:11):
financial stressors.
Now let me be clear onsomething being resilient
doesn't mean that a person won'texperience difficulty or
distress.
In fact, it's quite theopposite of that.
Usually, the road to resilienceis often paved with a lot of
challenges or considerableemotional distress, and part of
that is what develops resilience, but it can also work in the
(07:35):
opposite.
It can actually diminish ourresilience if we don't have the
skills to learn how to deal withwhat life is throwing at us.
And now here is some reallygreat news.
Resilience is a skill that wecan all develop, and it's shaped
both by nature and nurture.
Now, the nature part mightsound like a bummer, and
(07:57):
research does show that someaspects of resilience are
genetic, like our temperament,but, on the other hand, here's
the really good news Most of itcomes from our environment and
intentional practices, and ourenvironment and our practices
are in our control right to alarge extent, and so those are
(08:18):
the things that we want to focusin on how do we develop a more
healthy environment, andenvironment includes a lot of
things that we're going to talkabout throughout this series and
those intentional practiceswe're also going to get into,
and so I just want to encourageyou that it is something that
you can learn, you can develop,and you're not stuck at whatever
level of resilience that youcurrently have right now.
(08:39):
Now, many of you know that I'ma bit of a geek when it comes to
research, and I recentlycompleted a course on
neuropsychology and I'm justfascinated about how the brain
works.
And neuroscience gives us somereally cool insight into how
resilience works.
And we're learning more all thetime about how the brain is
(09:00):
constantly rewiring itself inresponse to the experiences that
we have, and the term for this,as many of you know, is
neuroplasticity, which meansthat even if you're faced with
significant challenges, yourbrain has the capacity to adapt
and grow stronger, and we canhelp it in that process with the
right practices.
(09:21):
And we also know that stressfulexperiences will activate the
amygdala, our limbic system,which is the part of our brain
responsible for our fight orflight response.
But with the right tools, wecan train our brains to respond
more calmly, more thoughtfullyand with a greater level of
(09:42):
resilience to the stressfulexperiences that we're having in
life.
So a lot of what resilience isabout is being able to handle
the stress that shows up in ourlife, to be able to cope in
healthy ways with theexperiences that we're having,
to be able to recover from oradapt to any adversity that
we're facing.
(10:03):
Now, before we move on, I justwant to debunk a huge
misconception about resilience.
Resilience is not about goingit alone.
It's not about being tough andnot having to ask for help.
No, resilience is actuallydeeply tied to connection, and
when we're not connected, ourresilience levels go down.
(10:25):
So, whether it's a trustedfriend, a coach or a community,
having people to lean on canmake all the difference in the
world in developing resilience.
So don't think that when wetalk about resilience, it means
that you're isolated.
You got to figure it out.
You just got to be tough enoughto get through it.
No, all the research says thatif you want to develop
resilience, being inrelationship, in life-giving
(10:49):
relationships, is a big part ofit, right?
So having people help us getthrough challenges doesn't mean
that we're not resilient,because, remember, resilience
isn't about just gutting itthrough, it's about being
adaptable, it's about figuringthings out, and a big part of
resilience is using theresources that we have in our
life to be able to handleadverse situations that show up
(11:13):
in our life.
And so a resilient person willabsolutely leverage the
relationships that they have intheir life and see those
relationships as a lifeline, assupport to help them continue to
get through whatever it is thatthey're facing.
All right.
So now let's start getting intothe impact that trauma has on
our ability to be resilient, andlet me start by asking you this
(11:35):
question have you ever judgedyourself for not being as
resilient as you'd like to be oras you think that you should be
and remember, I'm not a big fanof the word should there's a
lot of bullshits that we put inour life.
Right, I should be like this, Ishouldn't be like that and
should often has a lot of shameassociated with it, and so if
(11:56):
you're having a sense that I'mnot as resilient as I should be
and I should be more resilient,I want to encourage you and I
want to invite you to getcurious around that language
that you're using and see if youcan begin to move away from
that shame-based language intomore hopeful possibility
language like I could be moreresilient.
(12:18):
What would it look like if Idid develop resilience?
Okay, I just wanted to make aquick point on that, that we
don't want to come at this froma shame-based approach.
Now, another thing that youmight experience, or have
experienced, is that you'vewondered why it feels so much
harder for you to be resilientthan for other people that you
see in your life, you might feellike, well, why can't I do it
(12:40):
the way that they do it?
That person always seems to bebouncing back or they seem to be
really resilient and likewhat's wrong with me that I
can't do that.
And, once again, getting intothe comparison game never serves
us, because we don't know theirstory and we don't know what's
going on with them, and we alsowind up robbing ourselves from
the compassion that we need togive ourselves in order to
(13:02):
become more resilient.
And that's one of the bigthings that comparison will do
right it will get us out ofbeing able to see our own unique
story, extend compassion toourselves so that we can begin
to truly heal and make thechanges that we want to make.
As a part of this episode, Iwant to help reduce some of
those feelings of shame andmaybe some of the confusion that
(13:25):
you've been experiencing rightaround why you're not as
resilient as you think that youshould be, or why you're not as
resilient as you see otherpeople quote unquote being and
most importantly, as always, isI want to help you have a
greater level of compassion foryourself in your resilience
(13:45):
journey, because self-judgmentis a significant barrier to
resilience, but research showsthat self-compassion is one of
the keys to building it.
As we continue on our journey oftalking about how trauma
impacts our ability to beresilient, I want to revisit
really quick the concept ofadverse childhood experiences,
(14:07):
or ACEs, and these includethings like abuse, neglect or
growing up in a household withinstability.
I also want to take a momentand remind you that trauma isn't
just what happens to us, right,it's about what happens within
us, inside of us.
We make certain decisions.
We make meaning of the event.
We then certain decisions.
We make meaning of the event.
(14:28):
We then make decisions.
Those decisions then becomecore beliefs.
Those core beliefs then drivenew behaviors that create new
experiences.
Okay, and here's the thing thatthe research is really clear on
when we have these adversechildhood experiences and the
emotional and psychological andphysical impact that those
experiences have on us, one ofthe effects is often a reduced
(14:52):
capacity for resilience.
Now, when I say a reducedcapacity for resilience, I want
to just clarify something reallyquick.
Trauma survivors are some of themost resilient people I know,
and with that, it is a specifickind of resilience.
It is the resilience to survive, and this type of resilience
(15:15):
has served you well, it's helpedyou.
It's helped you endure hardshipand keep going despite
incredible challenges right,incredible challenges, right.
However, it is not always thesame type of resilience that's
needed to build the life youwant or to make the meaningful
changes that you want.
These two types of resilienceright, the resilience to survive
(15:39):
and then the resilience tothrive are different, but
they're also interconnected.
They're both forms ofresilience, but they have
different outcomes and they'recoming from a place of a
different core energy that'saround them.
And so, yes, while we're sograteful for the resilience that
helped us survive, what we wantto learn to do is take that
(16:00):
resilience that we've developed,build on it and begin to turn
it towards the resilience tothrive, to face daily life, to
face the challenges that maybefeel so hard to overcome.
And let me just encourage youwith something you have a lot of
resilience, you've shown it,it's in there.
The only thing that we've gotto do is just begin to guide it
(16:23):
in a little bit differentdirection, with some different
energy.
And you'll begin to guide it ina little bit different
direction, with some differentenergy, and you'll begin to take
that resilience and turn itinto something that will allow
you to overcome those challengesthat you're facing right now in
your life and begin to producethe momentum to help you bring
about the changes that you wantto see in your life.
So now let's just dig a littlebit deeper into this topic about
trauma and what it does do tous.
(16:45):
When we grow up in a chaoticenvironment, when we've grown up
in that environment, our brainslearn to adapt to
unpredictability and stress.
Okay, and this is that survivalresilience, and it is
remarkable.
But it can also leave youfeeling stuck when it comes to
thriving.
The constant activation of yourfight or flight system can make
(17:09):
it harder to take calculatedrisks or trust in long-term
stability, and so we're alwaysin that red alert mode, which is
hard to sustain, which has animpact on long-term stability,
and research also shows thattrauma can significantly alter
the brain's structure andfunction.
(17:30):
The amygdala, as we've talkedabout, is often overactive in
trauma survivors and keeps thebrain in a heightened state of
alertness.
Meanwhile, the prefrontalcortex, responsible for our
decision-making and impulsecontrol, can become less
effective, making it harder toregulate emotions or respond
thoughtfully.
(17:51):
If that wasn't enough, thehippocampus, which plays a role
in memory, may also shrink,leading to difficulties in
distinguishing past threats frompresent safety.
Our system just doesn't feelsafe because of the past threats
that we've experienced or thatwe've lived through.
And so, holistically, trauma isimpacting the body, our mind,
(18:13):
our relationships and physically, as I've shared before, it
increases stress hormones likecortisol, leading to chronic
health issues.
Emotionally, it can createpatterns of fear or
hypervigilance.
Cognitively, it may limit ourability to focus or plan for the
future.
Socially, trauma often makes itharder to trust or form
meaningful relationships andconnections, and trauma also
(18:36):
disrupts key skills forresilience, such as emotional
regulation, problem solving andadaptability.
For example, the heightenedstress response caused by trauma
can lead to overacting to thesmallest challenges or feeling
overwhelmed by change in ourlife, and all of this can create
a cycle where individuals doubttheir ability to face adversity
(18:58):
and it further weakens theirresilience.
And so I hope you can see thatall of this together, right,
that impact that trauma has hadhas stripped away a lot of the
things that is needed for aperson to have resilience, to
develop resilience and tomaintain resilience, and so I
hope this is helping youunderstand that your struggle
with resilience isn't your fault.
(19:21):
You know, we recently did aseries on the healthy high
achiever and I was thinkingabout talking about resilience
as a part of that series, but Iwanted to save it for this
series specifically aboutresilience, and here's the
really interesting thing that'shappening right.
So for many high achievers,their motivation or the birth
for lack of better words of ahigh achiever can take place as
(19:45):
a result of childhood trauma orthose ACEs that we talked about
in that series.
That can then lead to sociallyprescribed perfectionism or this
desire to want to live up tothe expectations of other people
, and so they're drivingthemselves and they're pushing
themselves to achieve, andthey're doing a great job at
that and they're achieving andthey're getting into positions
(20:06):
and places that takes a lot ofwork to get to and stay in.
But here's the real challengethat many high achievers face
who've experienced childhoodtrauma.
The very thing that burst theirneed for achievement also has
this other side to it that's hada big impact on their ability
(20:27):
to be resilient.
So it's kind of thisdouble-edged sword has had a big
impact on their ability to beresilient.
So it's kind of thisdouble-edged sword.
On the one hand, you've got thismotivation that trauma gave
many high achievers for them toachieve, for them to prove
themselves and to take away thatmessage or that feeling that
there's something wrong withthem, but the very thing that
they need in order to stay as ahigh achiever or stay as a high
(20:48):
performer, that resiliencethat's so needed to continue,
that has been weakened in themand can lead to burnout, and so
they're not able to sustain that, and so that whole cycle leads
to even more shame for the highachiever.
Right?
They're thinking well, whycan't I sustain that level of
achievement, like I see otherpeople doing, and what's wrong
(21:09):
with me?
I mean, I have this need toachieve, but I'm finding myself
getting burned out, or I'mfinding myself not able to
sustain that same level ofachievement.
Well, let me just help you withsomething here.
It's often because of theexperiences that you had in
early childhood that strippedaway some of those core things
that's needed for resilience,and so it's not gonna be just
(21:32):
about trying to gut through orpush through or trying to just
really force yourself to do more.
No, it's gonna be aboutlearning how to develop
resilience.
The trauma survivor needs tolearn how to develop resilience
through some really practicalways of being able to do that.
So if you find yourself in thatcycle, this is a really
(21:52):
important point for you tounderstand.
It's not that you're just notgood enough or there's something
wrong with you.
You had experiences inchildhood that might have had an
impact on your ability to beresilient Okay, just a natural
ability to be resilient.
But here's the great news, thereally good news is that once
you become aware of that, youstop shaming yourself for it,
(22:15):
stop beating yourself up aboutit.
Then you can get into that workof beginning to build
resilience, beginning to developit, because, once again,
resilience isn't fixed.
Even though you might've hadexperiences that hindered the
development of it, you can stilldevelop it, and it starts with
the knowledge that that's whatyou're actually dealing with.
(22:35):
Okay, that it's not thatthere's something wrong with you
.
It's not that you're not a highachiever or that you can't
excel in those areas.
You're just going to have to dosome work on building your
capacity for resilience.
Great news is, once again, youcan, because it's like a muscle
the more you learn about it, themore you use it, the more it
grows, the stronger you get atit, and the research supports
this, showing that with toolslike mindfulness, supportive
(22:59):
relationships, intentionalpractices, we can rewire our
brains and rebuild our capacityfor resilience and to thrive.
So I just want to encourage you.
If you're a person whostruggles with resilience and
you really want to develop itand you've been beating yourself
up about why you haven't beenable to be resilient and why you
(23:20):
haven't been able to bounceback and follow through and do
the things that you quoteunquote know you should do, I
want to encourage you.
You're not alone.
I've been there, and justbecause I've been there doesn't
mean that I know your story.
It's just a data point, it'sinformation for you to know that
somebody who had some prettysignificant childhood trauma,
who then developed shame, whothen tried to prove himself, and
(23:42):
who didn't have the necessaryresilience and didn't know that
that's what I needed to work onwas developing resilience learn
how to love myself, learn how tohave compassion for myself,
become curious, go on a journey,develop these relationships
that could help support me.
I always felt like I had to doit on my own.
I always felt like there wassomething uniquely wrong with me
.
I just didn't know even whatresilience was.
(24:04):
I didn't know the impact thatchildhood trauma had had on me
and diminishing my ability to beresilient.
And once I learned that, Ibegan to dig in, I began to
develop resilience.
I began to find ways to supportmyself and invite others in on
that journey to help support me.
So I just want to encourage you.
You're not alone in it.
(24:24):
You're not the only person whocan't figure out how to have
resilience okay, and I'm reallyexcited to go on this journey
with you about how you candevelop resilience in your life
and build the life that you wantto live, get out of just being
in survival mode, getting intothriving mode, and create the
life that you're worthy of.
(24:45):
Now for today's episode as apart of this series, that's
pretty much what I wanted tocover is what is resilience and
what impact does trauma have onour ability to be resilient?
It'll kind of help set aframework.
It'll also help set you up forsome self-compassion towards
yourself, because I thinksetting that foundation is
important to kind of help openyou up right, because if you're
(25:07):
a person who struggled withresilience, you might say to
yourself well, I've triedeverything and I don't know how
to do it and what's wrong withme that I can't be more
resilient.
So I'm hoping today's episodegave you some insight to maybe
why you do struggle with it andto allow yourself to have some
compassion and to move towardsdeveloping resilience with a
whole different energy.
(25:28):
Now, if you need help on yourjourney of developing resilience
, I want to encourage you tocheck out my coaching program.
You can find that atjerryhendersonorg or simply see
the show notes in this episode.
Now, if you've enjoyed today'sepisode, I want to encourage you
share it with somebody who youthink could benefit from it,
because if it's helping you, I'msure it'll help them as well,
(25:52):
and you never know the impactthat it can make in their life.
I just want to give you aglimpse into some of the next
episodes around this resilienceseries.
We're going to continue to diveinto things about cultivating
supportive relationships,overcoming self-doubt and
tapping into the strengths thatyou have that you may not even
realize.
How does discipline andresilience work together?
Those and other topics arecoming up in our future episodes
around this topic.
I can't wait to share with youin this transformative journey
(26:15):
in developing resilience.
And now, finally, I want toremind you, as I always do, that
you are worthy of your own love.
These two types of resilience right, the
resilience to survive and thenthe resilience to thrive are
different, but they're alsointerconnected.
They're both forms ofresilience, but they have
different outcomes and they'recoming from a place of a
different core energy that'saround them.
And so, yes, while we're sograteful for the resilience that
(00:20):
helped us survive, what we wantto learn to do is take that
resilience that we've developed,build on it and begin to turn
it towards the resilience tothrive.
Hello everybody, and welcome tothis episode of the Permission
to Love podcast.
I am your host, jerry Henderson, and, as always, I am so
grateful that you've taken timeout of your schedule to invest
(00:43):
in yourself by listening to thisepisode, and I do want to say
that I hope you enjoyed therecent series that we did on the
best of the Permission to Lovepodcast.
It was really such anincredible journey for me to
revisit some of those episodes,and I'm really grateful for all
of you who reached out, gaveyour feedback about how much you
were enjoying that series, andso thank you, thank you for
(01:04):
being here and thank you forbeing a part of the community of
the Permission to Love podcast.
Now I do have to say that it'sreally good to be back behind
this microphone, because todaywe're kicking off a brand new
series about resilience, and I'mtitling it Resilient by Design,
because the truth is, ourresilience is something that we
(01:25):
can design in our life.
It's not something thatpassively happens.
We have to be intentional aboutit.
So I hope this series can helpyou in developing resilience.
I also think that there'sreally no better time for us to
be having this conversation thanright now.
As I said, we're getting readyto kick off a new year, and
January is often a time whenmany of us look ahead, set our
(01:48):
goals, make resolutions.
But here's a startling truthResearch shows that nearly 80%
of New Year's resolutions areabandoned by February.
Man, that really shocked mewhen I read that statistic.
But I do have to say that I'mvery familiar with that process
of setting some goals,abandoning them and getting into
(02:11):
a shame cycle about them.
I used to go through thisprocess of setting these really
big goals and setting a lot ofgoals at one time to make a lot
of big changes, and I didn'trealize that actually what I was
doing was setting myself up forfailure.
And while I was excited aboutthose changes and reaching those
goals.
What I didn't realize was thatI was pushing myself beyond what
(02:33):
was realistic and settingmyself up for sabotaging myself
as a part of doing that andfinding myself continually
repeating that pattern.
I really dug into what was thatpattern all about and how could
I develop some resilience, somediscipline, really get goals
that were meaningful, that wereable to be accomplished and that
(02:55):
weren't so far out there thatthey were realistic and my
system almost dismissed thembecause they were so unrealistic
, which then led to trying toaccomplish them, then abandoning
them and then going throughthat whole cycle that I just
described earlier.
So I hope what I share with youin this series can really be
helpful for you, and I do wantto make a note that this will be
(03:15):
especially useful for those ofus who have a trauma background.
If you've experienced trauma inyour life, as a child, or a
toxic relationship or the lossof somebody or whatever that
traumatic experience was, it canhave a big impact on our
resilience, and we're going totalk specifically about that the
(03:36):
impact of trauma on our abilityto be resilient, and how can we
begin to develop resilience inour life, how can we begin to
overcome that?
Because here's the truth You'renot trapped in that.
I know it may feel like it.
I know there might be a lot ofconfusion about why do I keep
trying to move forward and Ikeep facing these setbacks and I
don't have the type ofresilience to face some of the
(03:59):
hardships or the challenges thatare being presented in my life.
Well, I'm hoping to help,through this series, to help
explain that, to help you formsome compassion for yourself
which, by the way, is a reallyimportant part of developing
resilience and then help journeywith you to a place where
you're becoming more and moreresilient in your journey.
(04:20):
I do want to take a moment andnote that I did recently do a
standalone episode on resilience.
It was a part of the happinessseries that we did, but I had a
lot of requests from people togo deeper into the topic of
resilience.
Right, it's a big topic today.
You hear a lot about it,there's books on it, all kinds
of information out there, butone of the things that I think
(04:42):
can be missing, and I think thatpeople are really wanting to
hear about, is how traumaimpacted their ability to be
resilient, also understandingwhat are some of the roadblocks
to being able to be resilient,because it's one thing to hear
about resilience, that we needto be resilient, that it's a
great thing.
It helps us accomplish ourgoals.
It's another thing to begin tounderstand.
(05:02):
Why am I struggling so muchwith resilience?
Why can't I be resilient likethe other people that you might
be comparing yourself to?
Because that whole conversationthat we have with ourselves can
be very disheartening, veryfrustrating, and that
conversation in itself can beginto sabotage the development of
resilience in our life.
So this series is a response tomany of you wanting me to dig
(05:23):
in deeper around the topic ofresilience in our life.
So this series is a response tomany of you wanting me to dig
in deeper around the topic ofresilience.
Now, before we continue, I dojust want to take a brief moment
to ask you for a favor.
Did you know that nearly halfof podcast listeners enjoy
episodes without ever hittingthe follow button?
And so I want to invite you totake a moment to do that today,
(05:45):
because subscribing to thispodcast is going to ensure that
you never miss an episode.
You're going to get thosereminders, and it also helps us
grow and reach more people whocould benefit from these
conversations, and hitting thatfollow button is also a very
simple way to show your support,and it truly means the world to
me.
So, if you're finding value inthis podcast, take a second
(06:08):
right now.
Hit that follow button onwhatever platform that you're
using, because your action notonly helps this podcast thrive,
but it also allows me to keepcreating the content that
supports you and others on thisjourney.
So thank you for being a partof this community and thank you
for your support.
I'm truly grateful for it.
(06:29):
So let's go ahead and dive intothe topic of resilience as a
part of this first episode inthis series of Resilience by
Design.
Now let me ask you a fewquestions.
What comes to mind when youthink of that word resilience?
Well, many people think itmeans being tough, never showing
weakness or always bouncingback quickly.
(06:50):
But resilience isn't aboutbeing unshakable.
It's about being adaptable.
Psychologists define resilienceas the process of adapting well
in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or
significant sources of stress,such as family and relationship
problems, serious healthproblems or workplace and
(07:11):
financial stressors.
Now let me be clear onsomething being resilient
doesn't mean that a person won'texperience difficulty or
distress.
In fact, it's quite theopposite of that.
Usually, the road to resilienceis often paved with a lot of
challenges or considerableemotional distress, and part of
that is what develops resilience, but it can also work in the
(07:35):
opposite.
It can actually diminish ourresilience if we don't have the
skills to learn how to deal withwhat life is throwing at us.
And now here is some reallygreat news.
Resilience is a skill that wecan all develop, and it's shaped
both by nature and nurture.
Now, the nature part mightsound like a bummer, and
(07:57):
research does show that someaspects of resilience are
genetic, like our temperament,but, on the other hand, here's
the really good news Most of itcomes from our environment and
intentional practices, and ourenvironment and our practices
are in our control right to alarge extent, and so those are
(08:18):
the things that we want to focusin on how do we develop a more
healthy environment, andenvironment includes a lot of
things that we're going to talkabout throughout this series and
those intentional practiceswe're also going to get into,
and so I just want to encourageyou that it is something that
you can learn, you can develop,and you're not stuck at whatever
level of resilience that youcurrently have right now.
(08:39):
Now, many of you know that I'ma bit of a geek when it comes to
research, and I recentlycompleted a course on
neuropsychology and I'm justfascinated about how the brain
works.
And neuroscience gives us somereally cool insight into how
resilience works.
And we're learning more all thetime about how the brain is
(09:00):
constantly rewiring itself inresponse to the experiences that
we have, and the term for this,as many of you know, is
neuroplasticity, which meansthat even if you're faced with
significant challenges, yourbrain has the capacity to adapt
and grow stronger, and we canhelp it in that process with the
right practices.
(09:21):
And we also know that stressfulexperiences will activate the
amygdala, our limbic system,which is the part of our brain
responsible for our fight orflight response.
But with the right tools, wecan train our brains to respond
more calmly, more thoughtfullyand with a greater level of
(09:42):
resilience to the stressfulexperiences that we're having in
life.
So a lot of what resilience isabout is being able to handle
the stress that shows up in ourlife, to be able to cope in
healthy ways with theexperiences that we're having,
to be able to recover from oradapt to any adversity that
we're facing.
(10:03):
Now, before we move on, I justwant to debunk a huge
misconception about resilience.
Resilience is not about goingit alone.
It's not about being tough andnot having to ask for help.
No, resilience is actuallydeeply tied to connection, and
when we're not connected, ourresilience levels go down.
(10:25):
So, whether it's a trustedfriend, a coach or a community,
having people to lean on canmake all the difference in the
world in developing resilience.
So don't think that when wetalk about resilience, it means
that you're isolated.
You got to figure it out.
You just got to be tough enoughto get through it.
No, all the research says thatif you want to develop
resilience, being inrelationship, in life-giving
(10:49):
relationships, is a big part ofit, right?
So having people help us getthrough challenges doesn't mean
that we're not resilient,because, remember, resilience
isn't about just gutting itthrough, it's about being
adaptable, it's about figuringthings out, and a big part of
resilience is using theresources that we have in our
life to be able to handleadverse situations that show up
(11:13):
in our life.
And so a resilient person willabsolutely leverage the
relationships that they have intheir life and see those
relationships as a lifeline, assupport to help them continue to
get through whatever it is thatthey're facing.
All right.
So now let's start getting intothe impact that trauma has on
our ability to be resilient, andlet me start by asking you this
(11:35):
question have you ever judgedyourself for not being as
resilient as you'd like to be oras you think that you should be
and remember, I'm not a big fanof the word should there's a
lot of bullshits that we put inour life.
Right, I should be like this, Ishouldn't be like that and
should often has a lot of shameassociated with it, and so if
(11:56):
you're having a sense that I'mnot as resilient as I should be
and I should be more resilient,I want to encourage you and I
want to invite you to getcurious around that language
that you're using and see if youcan begin to move away from
that shame-based language intomore hopeful possibility
language like I could be moreresilient.
(12:18):
What would it look like if Idid develop resilience?
Okay, I just wanted to make aquick point on that, that we
don't want to come at this froma shame-based approach.
Now, another thing that youmight experience, or have
experienced, is that you'vewondered why it feels so much
harder for you to be resilientthan for other people that you
see in your life, you might feellike, well, why can't I do it
(12:40):
the way that they do it?
That person always seems to bebouncing back or they seem to be
really resilient and likewhat's wrong with me that I
can't do that.
And, once again, getting intothe comparison game never serves
us, because we don't know theirstory and we don't know what's
going on with them, and we alsowind up robbing ourselves from
the compassion that we need togive ourselves in order to
(13:02):
become more resilient.
And that's one of the bigthings that comparison will do
right it will get us out ofbeing able to see our own unique
story, extend compassion toourselves so that we can begin
to truly heal and make thechanges that we want to make.
As a part of this episode, Iwant to help reduce some of
those feelings of shame andmaybe some of the confusion that
(13:25):
you've been experiencing rightaround why you're not as
resilient as you think that youshould be, or why you're not as
resilient as you see otherpeople quote unquote being and
most importantly, as always, isI want to help you have a
greater level of compassion foryourself in your resilience
(13:45):
journey, because self-judgmentis a significant barrier to
resilience, but research showsthat self-compassion is one of
the keys to building it.
As we continue on our journey oftalking about how trauma
impacts our ability to beresilient, I want to revisit
really quick the concept ofadverse childhood experiences,
(14:07):
or ACEs, and these includethings like abuse, neglect or
growing up in a household withinstability.
I also want to take a momentand remind you that trauma isn't
just what happens to us, right,it's about what happens within
us, inside of us.
We make certain decisions.
We make meaning of the event.
We then certain decisions.
We make meaning of the event.
(14:28):
We then make decisions.
Those decisions then becomecore beliefs.
Those core beliefs then drivenew behaviors that create new
experiences.
Okay, and here's the thing thatthe research is really clear on
when we have these adversechildhood experiences and the
emotional and psychological andphysical impact that those
experiences have on us, one ofthe effects is often a reduced
(14:52):
capacity for resilience.
Now, when I say a reducedcapacity for resilience, I want
to just clarify something reallyquick.
Trauma survivors are some of themost resilient people I know,
and with that, it is a specifickind of resilience.
It is the resilience to survive, and this type of resilience
(15:15):
has served you well, it's helpedyou.
It's helped you endure hardshipand keep going despite
incredible challenges right,incredible challenges, right.
However, it is not always thesame type of resilience that's
needed to build the life youwant or to make the meaningful
changes that you want.
These two types of resilienceright, the resilience to survive
(15:39):
and then the resilience tothrive are different, but
they're also interconnected.
They're both forms ofresilience, but they have
different outcomes and they'recoming from a place of a
different core energy that'saround them.
And so, yes, while we're sograteful for the resilience that
helped us survive, what we wantto learn to do is take that
(16:00):
resilience that we've developed,build on it and begin to turn
it towards the resilience tothrive, to face daily life, to
face the challenges that maybefeel so hard to overcome.
And let me just encourage youwith something you have a lot of
resilience, you've shown it,it's in there.
The only thing that we've gotto do is just begin to guide it
(16:23):
in a little bit differentdirection, with some different
energy.
And you'll begin to guide it ina little bit different
direction, with some differentenergy, and you'll begin to take
that resilience and turn itinto something that will allow
you to overcome those challengesthat you're facing right now in
your life and begin to producethe momentum to help you bring
about the changes that you wantto see in your life.
So now let's just dig a littlebit deeper into this topic about
trauma and what it does do tous.
(16:45):
When we grow up in a chaoticenvironment, when we've grown up
in that environment, our brainslearn to adapt to
unpredictability and stress.
Okay, and this is that survivalresilience, and it is
remarkable.
But it can also leave youfeeling stuck when it comes to
thriving.
The constant activation of yourfight or flight system can make
(17:09):
it harder to take calculatedrisks or trust in long-term
stability, and so we're alwaysin that red alert mode, which is
hard to sustain, which has animpact on long-term stability,
and research also shows thattrauma can significantly alter
the brain's structure andfunction.
(17:30):
The amygdala, as we've talkedabout, is often overactive in
trauma survivors and keeps thebrain in a heightened state of
alertness.
Meanwhile, the prefrontalcortex, responsible for our
decision-making and impulsecontrol, can become less
effective, making it harder toregulate emotions or respond
thoughtfully.
(17:51):
If that wasn't enough, thehippocampus, which plays a role
in memory, may also shrink,leading to difficulties in
distinguishing past threats frompresent safety.
Our system just doesn't feelsafe because of the past threats
that we've experienced or thatwe've lived through.
And so, holistically, trauma isimpacting the body, our mind,
(18:13):
our relationships and physically, as I've shared before, it
increases stress hormones likecortisol, leading to chronic
health issues.
Emotionally, it can createpatterns of fear or
hypervigilance.
Cognitively, it may limit ourability to focus or plan for the
future.
Socially, trauma often makes itharder to trust or form
meaningful relationships andconnections, and trauma also
(18:36):
disrupts key skills forresilience, such as emotional
regulation, problem solving andadaptability.
For example, the heightenedstress response caused by trauma
can lead to overacting to thesmallest challenges or feeling
overwhelmed by change in ourlife, and all of this can create
a cycle where individuals doubttheir ability to face adversity
(18:58):
and it further weakens theirresilience.
And so I hope you can see thatall of this together, right,
that impact that trauma has hadhas stripped away a lot of the
things that is needed for aperson to have resilience, to
develop resilience and tomaintain resilience, and so I
hope this is helping youunderstand that your struggle
with resilience isn't your fault.
(19:21):
You know, we recently did aseries on the healthy high
achiever and I was thinkingabout talking about resilience
as a part of that series, but Iwanted to save it for this
series specifically aboutresilience, and here's the
really interesting thing that'shappening right.
So for many high achievers,their motivation or the birth
for lack of better words of ahigh achiever can take place as
(19:45):
a result of childhood trauma orthose ACEs that we talked about
in that series.
That can then lead to sociallyprescribed perfectionism or this
desire to want to live up tothe expectations of other people
, and so they're drivingthemselves and they're pushing
themselves to achieve, andthey're doing a great job at
that and they're achieving andthey're getting into positions
(20:06):
and places that takes a lot ofwork to get to and stay in.
But here's the real challengethat many high achievers face
who've experienced childhoodtrauma.
The very thing that burst theirneed for achievement also has
this other side to it that's hada big impact on their ability
(20:27):
to be resilient.
So it's kind of thisdouble-edged sword has had a big
impact on their ability to beresilient.
So it's kind of thisdouble-edged sword.
On the one hand, you've got thismotivation that trauma gave
many high achievers for them toachieve, for them to prove
themselves and to take away thatmessage or that feeling that
there's something wrong withthem, but the very thing that
they need in order to stay as ahigh achiever or stay as a high
(20:48):
performer, that resiliencethat's so needed to continue,
that has been weakened in themand can lead to burnout, and so
they're not able to sustain that, and so that whole cycle leads
to even more shame for the highachiever.
Right?
They're thinking well, whycan't I sustain that level of
achievement, like I see otherpeople doing, and what's wrong
(21:09):
with me?
I mean, I have this need toachieve, but I'm finding myself
getting burned out, or I'mfinding myself not able to
sustain that same level ofachievement.
Well, let me just help you withsomething here.
It's often because of theexperiences that you had in
early childhood that strippedaway some of those core things
that's needed for resilience,and so it's not gonna be just
(21:32):
about trying to gut through orpush through or trying to just
really force yourself to do more.
No, it's gonna be aboutlearning how to develop
resilience.
The trauma survivor needs tolearn how to develop resilience
through some really practicalways of being able to do that.
So if you find yourself in thatcycle, this is a really
(21:52):
important point for you tounderstand.
It's not that you're just notgood enough or there's something
wrong with you.
You had experiences inchildhood that might have had an
impact on your ability to beresilient Okay, just a natural
ability to be resilient.
But here's the great news, thereally good news is that once
you become aware of that, youstop shaming yourself for it,
(22:15):
stop beating yourself up aboutit.
Then you can get into that workof beginning to build
resilience, beginning to developit, because, once again,
resilience isn't fixed.
Even though you might've hadexperiences that hindered the
development of it, you can stilldevelop it, and it starts with
the knowledge that that's whatyou're actually dealing with.
(22:35):
Okay, that it's not thatthere's something wrong with you
.
It's not that you're not a highachiever or that you can't
excel in those areas.
You're just going to have to dosome work on building your
capacity for resilience.
Great news is, once again, youcan, because it's like a muscle
the more you learn about it, themore you use it, the more it
grows, the stronger you get atit, and the research supports
this, showing that with toolslike mindfulness, supportive
(22:59):
relationships, intentionalpractices, we can rewire our
brains and rebuild our capacityfor resilience and to thrive.
So I just want to encourage you.
If you're a person whostruggles with resilience and
you really want to develop itand you've been beating yourself
up about why you haven't beenable to be resilient and why you
(23:20):
haven't been able to bounceback and follow through and do
the things that you quoteunquote know you should do, I
want to encourage you.
You're not alone.
I've been there, and justbecause I've been there doesn't
mean that I know your story.
It's just a data point, it'sinformation for you to know that
somebody who had some prettysignificant childhood trauma,
who then developed shame, whothen tried to prove himself, and
(23:42):
who didn't have the necessaryresilience and didn't know that
that's what I needed to work onwas developing resilience learn
how to love myself, learn how tohave compassion for myself,
become curious, go on a journey,develop these relationships
that could help support me.
I always felt like I had to doit on my own.
I always felt like there wassomething uniquely wrong with me
.
I just didn't know even whatresilience was.
(24:04):
I didn't know the impact thatchildhood trauma had had on me
and diminishing my ability to beresilient.
And once I learned that, Ibegan to dig in, I began to
develop resilience.
I began to find ways to supportmyself and invite others in on
that journey to help support me.
So I just want to encourage you.
You're not alone in it.
(24:24):
You're not the only person whocan't figure out how to have
resilience okay, and I'm reallyexcited to go on this journey
with you about how you candevelop resilience in your life
and build the life that you wantto live, get out of just being
in survival mode, getting intothriving mode, and create the
life that you're worthy of.
(24:45):
Now for today's episode as apart of this series, that's
pretty much what I wanted tocover is what is resilience and
what impact does trauma have onour ability to be resilient?
It'll kind of help set aframework.
It'll also help set you up forsome self-compassion towards
yourself, because I thinksetting that foundation is
important to kind of help openyou up right, because if you're
(25:07):
a person who struggled withresilience, you might say to
yourself well, I've triedeverything and I don't know how
to do it and what's wrong withme that I can't be more
resilient.
So I'm hoping today's episodegave you some insight to maybe
why you do struggle with it andto allow yourself to have some
compassion and to move towardsdeveloping resilience with a
whole different energy.
(25:28):
Now, if you need help on yourjourney of developing resilience
, I want to encourage you tocheck out my coaching program.
You can find that atjerryhendersonorg or simply see
the show notes in this episode.
Now, if you've enjoyed today'sepisode, I want to encourage you
share it with somebody who youthink could benefit from it,
because if it's helping you, I'msure it'll help them as well,
(25:52):
and you never know the impactthat it can make in their life.
I just want to give you aglimpse into some of the next
episodes around this resilienceseries.
We're going to continue to diveinto things about cultivating
supportive relationships,overcoming self-doubt and
tapping into the strengths thatyou have that you may not even
realize.
How does discipline andresilience work together?
Those and other topics arecoming up in our future episodes
around this topic.
I can't wait to share with youin this transformative journey
(26:15):
in developing resilience.
And now, finally, I want toremind you, as I always do, that
you are worthy of your own love.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com