When Success Feels Like Failure – And How to Fix It

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In this episode, we’re diving into a hard truth that so many high achievers face but rarely talk about—shame-based achievement. Why do we chase success and still feel empty when we get it? Why does the high from accomplishment fade so quickly, leaving us feeling even more inadequate? The truth is that many high achievers are driven not by passion, but by fear—fear of being unworthy, fear of failure, fear of rejection.

Today, we are breaking down the cycle of shame-based achievement and how it creates burnout, emotional numbness, and the constant feeling of "not enough." 

More importantly, I’m sharing how you can break free from it. You’ll learn how to stop defining your self-worth by your achievements, start building intrinsic motivation, and redefine success in a way that feels authentic and sustainable.

If you’ve ever felt like you’re only as good as your last win—or that you have to keep achieving just to feel safe—this episode is for you.

What You'll Learn in This Episode:

• Why so many high achievers are driven by shame and fear rather than passion
• The cycle of shame-based achievement—and why success never feels like enough
• How trauma and perfectionism wire us for overachievement and burnout
• How to redefine success in a way that feels authentic and sustainable
• Why self-compassion and emotional safety are the keys to true motivation

Chapters:

00:00 Introduction
03:45 How perfectionism and shame create unhealthy success patterns
06:10 The Hidden Cost of Shame-Based Achievement – Why success feels hollow and unfulfilling
10:59 Success as a Survival Strategy – How trauma and childhood experiences wire us for overachievement
14:50 The Shame-Achievement Loop – Why we keep chasing the next goal and still feel empty
20:31 How to Stop the Cycle – Practical steps to shift from external validation to intrinsic motivation
24:53 Redefining Success – What a meaningful and sustainable life actually looks like
32:30 Building Self-Compassion – How to quiet the inner critic and create emotional safety
37:40 Creating New Rhythms – Why rest and recovery are essential for high performance
43:49 Letting Go of the Old Story - Why success will never heal you—and what will

I am grateful you are here,
Jerry

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Episode Transcript

Jerry Henderson (00:00):
What are you trying to build?
What are you trying to achieve?
What are you running from andrunning towards, and is it even
what you want?
And if it isn't, then giveyourself the permission to start
designing your life the waythat you want it to be, the way
that you truly imagine that youwant your life to be.

(00:22):
You don't have to buildsomebody else's life.
For many of us, that's whatwe're doing.
We're building somebody else'slife based off of expectations,
based off of shame that we gothanded to us or perfectionism
that got wired into us.
We're actually buildingsomebody else's story, somebody
else's life, and if it's notresonating with you, please give

(00:43):
yourself the permission toredefine what resonating with
you.
Please give yourself thepermission to redefine what
success is for you.
What does a life that youactually want to live look like?
And then give yourself thepermission, take the brave,
courageous step to give yourselfthe permission to build that
life.
Hello everybody and welcome tothis episode of the Permission

(01:05):
to Love podcast.
I'm your host, jerry Henderson,and, as always, I am so
grateful that you're here Now,if you're new to this podcast.
This is a podcast about how tohave a healthier, thriving
relationship with yourself, andhere's the thing most people
don't even realize that theyhave a relationship with
themselves, but you do, and thatrelationship is determining

(01:28):
everything that's happening inyour life.
So this podcast is dedicated tohelping you understand how you
can heal that relationship, howyou can build resilience, how
you can heal the trauma, how youcan overcome shame and how you
can give yourself the permissionto love yourself.
Because when you do that,everything in your life begins

(01:48):
to change your relationshipschange, what you believe you're
worthy of changes and whatbegins to manifest in your life
changes.
So welcome.
I'm so glad that you're hereNow.
The other thing I want to do isintroduce myself to you Now.
If you've been listening tothis podcast, consider this a
little bit of a reintroduction,but if you're new, I'm a coach,
I'm an author, I'm a speaker,I'm a podcaster, and I do all of

(02:11):
this work because I want tohelp people understand how they
can transform their relationshipwith themselves.
I work with people to take themon a journey of self-expansion,
self-transformation, so thatthey can create the life that
they actually want to live.
You don't have to live in shame.

(02:32):
You don't have to walk thisplanet feeling like there's
something wrong with you, thatyou're uniquely broken.
You don't have to continue tofeel like an imposter.
You don't have to continue tokill yourself by trying to
achieve your way out of the waythat you feel about yourself.
You can have a life that'srooted and grounded in
self-acceptance, self-compassion, while, at the same time,

(02:54):
building a life that's beautiful, having beautiful relationships
in your life.
That's all possible, and youcan do it from an energy that's
life-giving instead oflife-sucking.
So if you're interested inlearning a bit more about me and
the work that I do, you can goto my website at
jerryhendersonorg.
Now, with all of that in mind,let's jump into today's episode,

(03:16):
and what we're going to betalking about is how shame can
drive this need in us to achieve, and we get into what is called
shame-based achievements, andthe reality is, when we do that,
it is going to destroy ourhappiness and it is going to
cause us to be on a never-endingtreadmill of trying to chase

(03:37):
success in order to feel goodabout ourselves, and we're going
to talk about all that.
We're also going to talk abouthow you can break free from that
, and we're going to talk aboutall that.
We're also going to talk abouthow you can break free from that
Now.
I am very aware that many of thelisteners of this podcast have
trauma histories, have historiesof trying to overcome, a
narrative of the way that theyfeel about themselves.
I'm also aware that many of thelisteners of this podcast

(03:58):
because I coach many of you arehigh achievers.
You want to bring your best toeverything that you do.
You're doing fantastic things.
You're at the highest levels ofachievement in your careers,
whether that's academia andgovernment service or in
business.
You're also at the high levelsof achievement as a parent, as a
spouse, I mean.

(04:18):
You really want to bring yourbest to this world and that's
part of the reason why youlisten to this podcast so that
you can learn how to be the bestversion of yourself, to heal,
to allow yourself, to acceptyourself and to bring your
success and your achievementsinto this world from a place
that's healthy, from a place,once again, that's life-giving.

(04:39):
I also know and one who'sexperienced this how our shame,
our story of shame, our story oftrauma, our story of feeling
like an imposter, can get reallywrapped up into our
achievements, and it can drivethe reason why we're so
successful, the reason why we'resuch high performers, the

(04:59):
reason why, when people thinkabout giving something to
somebody.
They think about us Because ofthe old saying if you want to
get something done, give it tothe busiest person.
And while there's a lot oftruth in that, the challenge is
that can burn us out, that cankeep us in a state of fight or
flight, of stress, of alwaystrying to prove our worth.

(05:19):
And so today I want to talkabout how we can begin to move
away from shame as a motivationfor achievement, trying to
overcome that story and to movetowards a place where our
achievements are rooted not intrying to prove our worth, but
as an expression of who we areand coming from a place of

(05:41):
self-love, self-acceptance andself-compassion.
And what we're talking abouthere is something that runs deep
, cuts deep for many of us, butalmost no one wants to talk
about it.
And it's those shame-basedachievements, or our
achievements being rooted andmotivated from a place of shame,

(06:01):
of trying to overcome thatnagging feeling that we need to
prove ourselves, that we'renever enough, no matter what we
do.
And here's the truth.
A lot of high achievers havethis story running underneath
the surface.
How do I know?
It was the story that drove mylife for 40 plus years.
It's the story that often showsup when I'm coaching people who

(06:24):
are doing fantastic, incrediblethings but have that underlying
, nagging feeling that they needto prove themselves, that they
don't matter unless they have acertain amount of success or a
certain amount of performance intheir life.
And you might be listening tothis podcast today and you have
that narrative.
You have stories like if Isucceed, I'll finally feel like

(06:44):
I'm enough.
If I keep performing at a highlevel, people will see my worth,
they'll accept me and then,subconsciously, that'll give you
the permission to acceptyourself.
You might also have the story orthe feeling that if you stop
succeeding, if you stop drivingyourself, you're going to lose
momentum, you're going to loseeverything and you start to

(07:06):
catastrophize what happens ifyou don't keep pushing yourself
and you're operating out of aplace of fight or flight energy
because it doesn't feel safe toyou to not keep succeeding, to
not keep pushing yourself.
As a matter of fact, you don'tknow who you would be without
that in your life.
And here's the truth about allthose stories and I've said this

(07:28):
before and I acknowledge itthat it works for a while right,
it motivates us, it gives usenergy, it causes us to strive
and to perform at levels thatmany other people don't do, and
we carry a sense of pride andhonor about our capacity for
work, our ability to get thingsdone, the attaboys or the
attagirls that we get as aresult of those things.

(07:51):
But here's the other side of it.
That's so true that successonly gives a temporary sense of
relief from that growing feelingof inadequacy.
Because to drive for success inthese cases that I'm talking
about isn't about passion orpurpose.
It's about trying to outrun ourshame.

(08:13):
It's trying to outrun thatfeeling that there's something
wrong with me.
I've got to prove myself.
So in this episode, we're goingto dig into the truth about
shame-based achievement, why ithappens and where it starts, the
hidden costs, such as burnout,workaholism, emotional numbness
and relationship issues, and,most importantly, we're going to

(08:34):
talk about how to build ahealthier relationship with
success and our achievements.
So does it sound like a goodepisode?
I sure hope so, and if it does,you're in the right place,
because if you've ever felt likeyou're only as good as your
last success, or if you've everwondered why you feel so empty
when you win, even when you geteverything that you want, you

(08:56):
get all those achievements, butthey feel hollow.
If all of that describes you,this episode absolutely is for
you.
So let's get into it Now.
Let's start with a hard truth Alot of high achievers are not
simply driven by passion.
Now, while that might be aninitial motivator for many high
achievers, they're often drivenby fear and it becomes the

(09:20):
primary driver for them, andit's often operating at a
subconscious level, and it'smasked with passion.
It's masked with this urgencyand this energy, but in reality,
it is often an underlying fearthe stories that we've already
talked about a little bit that'sdriving that need for

(09:43):
achievement.
And what is that fear rooted in?
Well, it's often rooted inshame.
So, as a quick review, what isshame?
Well, dr Brene Brown definesshame as an intensely painful
feeling or experience ofbelieving that we are flawed and
therefore unworthy of love andbelonging.

(10:06):
Now, as I've shared before,shame is very different from
guilt.
Shame says I am bad, there'ssomething wrong with me, and we
have other episodes that we'vedone that talk about why that
decision gets made, about why Iam bad, and you can go back and
listen to those, but for now, Ijust want to lay that foundation
that shame says I'm bad andthat feeling that I am bad will

(10:30):
cause me to try to prove tomyself and to others that I'm
not bad, which can then drivethe need to achieve, to succeed
and to do things that we feellike are almost superhuman, in
order for us to get rid of thataching feeling about the way
that we feel about ourselves.
Now here's something elsethat's important to understand

(10:51):
about shame.
It isn't just an emotion.
It becomes your belief, youridentity.
Shame tricks you into thinkingthat you are it, and here's
where things get really stickyand tricky, when you grow up
feeling like your worth is tiedto your performance because of,
maybe, your family, of origin,story or what you experienced in

(11:14):
life.
Success isn't just aboutsuccess anymore.
Success becomes a survivalstrategy.
I want to say that again.
Success becomes a survivalstrategy in order for you to
feel safe, because it wasn'tsafe for you to be you, it

(11:35):
wasn't safe for you to notperform, to not do the things
that pleased other people, andso perfectionism gets baked into
our nervous system, and successthen becomes, very much so, a
survival strategy.
So if you feel like you backingoff of your performance or you
backing off of your achievementsisn't safe and it grinds

(11:57):
against you and you've just toldyourself the story that well,
that's because I'm this highachieving person and I'm wired
that way.
I want to invite you to askyourself a question has it
possibly become more for youthan that story that you're
telling yourself, justifying whyyou're burning yourself out,
burning through relationships,not taking care of yourself,

(12:19):
carrying all of that chronicstress?
Is it more than that narrativethat you have to justify all of
that?
Has it actually become asurvival strategy for you?
As you sit with that question?
For just a little bit, I want tostart talking about the
self-worth theory of motivation.
Dr Martin Covington came upwith the self-worth theory.

(12:40):
That explains that many peopleequate their ability with their
self-worth.
And when we equate ourself-worth to our ability, our
achievements, our performances,we then carry this story and it
begins to play out like this IfI succeed, I'm valuable, if I

(13:01):
fail, I'm worthless.
So what happens?
You work harder, not becauseyou love it always, right, we
don't always love this treadmillthat we find ourselves on, but
we don't know how to get off ofit.
And so we're not doing itbecause we love it, or even
necessarily that we love thework.
Now I do want to acknowledgethat we can absolutely love the

(13:21):
work that we're in Now.
I love the work that I did inphilanthropy for 17 years, that
I raised over $1 billion withthe BUS dollars while doing that
.
So there was a lot of love forit.
But what happened was the driveto prove myself eclipsed even
the love I had for the work, forthe organization and for what I

(13:43):
was doing, because it wasn'tthe love or the work that burned
me out, it was the way that Iengaged in the work that burned
me out.
It was the need to overcome thestory and the way that I felt
about myself that burned me out.
So when we confuse the story andsay, well, I'm doing this
because I love it and I'm sopassionate about it, that can be

(14:03):
true.
Doing this because I love itand I'm so passionate about it,
that can be true.
But when it crosses the line toburning ourselves out
workaholism, never able todisengage, never present with
the people that we love, becausewe're thinking about that next
thing that we could be doing,should be doing, etc.
That has crossed the line intosomething that's about identity
and worth versus love andpassion for what we're doing,

(14:27):
because what actually begins tohappen and I want to invite you
to reflect on this is we beginto transition into a place where
we begin to get terrified ofwhat failure would actually mean
about us.
If I fail, it actually meanssomething about me versus the
task, the job, the role.
Does that make sense for you?

(14:48):
Does that resonate for you?
Because for many high achievers,this is the pattern that they
live, and this pattern actuallystarted at a very early age.
And it might have startedbecause your parents only
praised you when you succeeded.
Maybe you were punished orcriticized harshly when you
failed.
Or maybe you learned that loveand acceptance were conditional,

(15:09):
based on only how well youperformed.
Or maybe you're trying toovercome the messages that other
people told you about yourselfwhether that was a parent, a
teacher, a coach or a caregiverof any form that really made you
feel like that you wereworthless, that you were nothing
, that there was something wrongwith you.
And now you're on thissubconscious treadmill to outrun

(15:32):
that and outperform that.
Or maybe you have a story ofchildhood trauma and the safest
decision for you to make wasthat there was something wrong
with you in that scenario,versus that your caregiver was
incapable of caring for you, ormaybe you were in a really toxic
relationship that wired youtowards performing and pleasing

(15:53):
in order to stay safe.
Whatever the case is, this stuffgets wired in our system and
when love and acceptance andsafety are tied to achievement,
success becomes not about growthanymore, but about protection.
Let me say it again it's notabout growth anymore, but it's

(16:13):
about protection.
You're not chasing success.
You're trying to avoidrejection, pain, isolation and
all of the things that come withthat.
Can you just take a moment andcenter into the possibility that

(16:33):
it's really not about yourachievements, it's not about
your success.
It is about avoiding rejection,feeling safe, allowing yourself
to belong and to be loved.
And when you understand that,it can begin to change your
relationship with your need forachievement.

(16:55):
It can change your relationshipwith why you feel so driven to
succeed and why you feel likesuch a failure when you don't,
or you have the fear of what itmeans about you.
When you fail, or the slightestmistake that you make, you beat
yourself up for days, weeks, ifnot years, about it.
See, that all sounds likesurvival mode, doesn't it?

(17:16):
When you hear it that way,because it is survival mode, and
when you understand that that'swhat's driving a lot of this
stuff.
It can allow you to observe it,it can allow you to let go of
judgment around it and it canbegin to move you to a place
where you can start to have thetools to change those core
motivators and get motivatedfrom a place that's actually

(17:38):
about you creating the life thatyou want to live.
Because here's what I find formany high achievers they wind up
often creating a life that theydon to live.
Because here's what I find formany high achievers they wind up
often creating a life that theydon't even want.
They wake up and they say tothemselves how did I get here?
This isn't the life that Iimagined or I wanted, or I built
all the things that I thought Iwas going to build.
I did all the things that Isaid I was going to do, but it

(18:01):
all just feels meaningless andhollow and I don't feel good
about me.
I don't like me.
And they're into self-loathingand their self-confidence begins
to erode.
Because here's what's happeningthey're putting on achievements
and success, something that itwas never designed to give them.

(18:22):
You can never get from successor achievements or from others'
accolades what you're reallyafter.
What you're really after isabout your own love, your own
sense of belonging, your ownsense of connection with
yourself, based off of who youare, not off of what you do.

(18:44):
I'm going to talk aboutsomething here that you're
probably already really familiarwith, but I want to give you
words to it, and it's this shameachievement loop.
And here's how it works.
Right, you succeed, you feel atemporary high, you get the
dopamine, you feel good, andthat temporary high that we get
from that isn't a bad thing.
But what happens is when westart to live for that high and

(19:06):
we start to believe that if wedon't have that, that there's
something wrong with us, and webegin to get a dependency on
that to take away the way thatwe feel about ourselves, to
quiet the noise about who wethink we really are.
So what happens is you succeed,you feel that temporary high,
but then what happens is thathigh fades.

(19:26):
Right, we get the hedonicadaptation that's talked about
when we deal with dopamine andreward systems.
Our brains and our bodies beginto adapt to it, and it means
less and less to us, and thenwhat happens is that shame
begins to creep back in as thathigh fades.
The research is really clear andinteresting on this that when

(19:46):
we get something the job, thehouse, the achievement it will
lift us.
The research shows it'll liftus for about six months at the
most.
And what happens is we begin toget back to our overall set
point, our waterline of how wefeel about ourselves.
And that's why it's soconfusing for people, because
they get the thing and theythink, oh, this is the thing,

(20:09):
this will be the one that'll getme to feel different, that'll
allow me to have peace, to makeme feel like I've arrived.
And so they get it and it'slasting and they think it's
going to sustain, but it goesback down to what their overall
set point is about six monthslater.
And then the shame settles in.
And then guess who's there?
You are, and this is an areathat I refer to a lot about.

(20:31):
My story is that whenachievement stopped working,
when it was no longer bringingme what I needed or wanted and I
couldn't figure out how to getit anywhere else, I then started
drinking and my drinking thestory originally was.
It was about taking the edgeoff, allowing myself to calm
down, allowing myself to unwinda little bit and then to allow
myself to loosen up sociallyright.

(20:51):
I thought it brought out thatbest part of me that I liked and
I thought other people liked.
And then what happened is itbegan to turn into something
where I originally thought wasgoing to take the edge off.
Allow me to relax, allow me tobe more social.
It then turned into me tryingto escape the feeling that I was
hoping that achievements wasgoing to take away, that if I

(21:14):
could achieve enough, that I'dfeel okay.
And then it didn't work.
And because it didn't work, Istarted using alcohol to try to
meet that need, and then thatled into more and more shame
until eventually I drank just tobe able to tolerate my own
presence, to take away the ache.
And then we all know where thatstory goes right it leads to

(21:36):
addiction, it leads toseparation in our relationships,
and so if you're on that path,I want to let you know there is
hope.
You can change, and it's goingto start by changing your
relationship with yourself,getting healthy about who you
believe, that you are letting goof the narratives that you've
been carrying for decades, thathave been driving you to an

(22:00):
early grave, driving you toburnout.
It's going to cost you career.
It's going to cost yourelationship.
It's going to cost you health.
It is going to cost you theimage that you're working so
hard to try to protect becauseit's unsustainable.
I know you're probably thinkingyou're the one person who's
different, that you have thisextra level of superpower inside

(22:20):
of you, that you can do all ofthis.
You're a human being with afinite amount of energy
willpower.
No matter what biohacks, nomatter what performance tricks
you put in place, you still livein this body that has
limitations.
You still have this mind thatcan only work so hard.
You have emotions that havebreaking points.

(22:41):
Okay, take care of yourself,learn to love yourself and, if
you need help with that, go tomy website, sign up for a free
discovery call, a strategy call,where we can meet and figure
out how you can start to get ona journey that's healthy for you
.
You don't have to wait untilyour life implodes.

(23:04):
Shame doesn't have to controlyour story or your journey
anymore.
And, yes, the truth is you'reprobably going to need some help
with that because you've gotingrained beliefs and habits and
patterns that seem so real toyou.
But the reality is they're notreal.
They're stories.
Okay, and our lives are drivenby our stories.

(23:25):
And that's good news, becauseyou can change your story.
You truly can.
So let me get back to this cyclehere, and I'm so glad that I
was able just to express herefor a moment what was genuinely
in my heart around this topic.
But as we close out, what thiscycle looks like it really is

(23:46):
about once again, you succeed,you get the high, the high fade,
you come back to your set point, the shame creeps back in.
And so then what happens?
You raise the bar, you chasethe next goal.
You think, well, that helped mesome, but it didn't quite do it
.
So maybe this next thing willdo it.
And you're never ending on thisthing, right?
Satisfaction never arises, italways is just out of reach.

(24:10):
And then, yes, you probably domeet that next goal, make that
next achievement, but at whatcost?
And you start to watch yourselfwither away and you start to
wonder how long you can keepthis up and you're feeling like
everything's falling apartinside of you and you're
wondering how long until itfalls apart around you.

(24:30):
And then you start to imagineyourself escaping your life.
You start to get into fantasiesof what life would look like if
you just escaped and got awayfrom all of it and you just left
everything behind.
Now, that might not be yourtrue desire to escape it all,
but because the pressure is sooverwhelming, it feels like the

(24:52):
only option.
Because for you to admit thatyou can't carry it, admit that
you can't keep it up, feels likefailure.
Asking for help feels likefailure.
And so what do you do?
You just keep repeating it.
You go back to the top.
Achieve, get the high.
It wears off.
You feel the shame.
Raise the bar, meet theachievement, show yourself and

(25:14):
others that you can do anything.
Then it wears off again.
Then you feel shame and you'rewondering why can't I just feel
normal?
Why can't any of this allow meto feel okay?
Why can't I get the permissionto relax, to be at ease, to be
present, to feel safe?
And it's become a cycle ofsurvival, as I said earlier, of

(25:35):
survival, as I said earlier.
And it's actually a cycle ofsurvival around not being seen,
of not being seen because we'rehiding behind the role, behind
the achievements.
I'm the surgeon, I'm the doctor, I'm the professor, I'm the
executive, I'm the CEO, I'm theathlete, I'm the performer, I'm

(25:57):
super mom, I'm super dad, I'msuper student.
Whatever it is that you'resaying that's me and you're
trying to point everybody tothat, while the whole time
internally you feel like a fraud.
Internally you're just waitingfor people to find out that that
isn't you.
And then that story that we'lltalk about in another episode

(26:17):
around imposter syndrome we'regoing to get really detailed
around it.
But that story then drives thefact that you gotta keep up with
the character that you builtand it's exhausting and you
don't want anybody to see theflaws or the cracks, Because if
there's a crack, they might seeinto who you are and who you are
.
What you feel about who you areis based in shame.

(26:41):
You feel like you're not enough, there's something wrong with
you and the last thing you everwant anybody to see or to know
is that that's who you believethat you are.
I'll just touch real brieflybecause you know I love to do
this about some of the researchon how this fight or flight
happens with us.
Paul Gilbert, who developedcompassion-focused therapy,

(27:04):
explains that shame activatesthe brain's threat system, the
same system as we talk about.
That's involved in life ordeath situations.
When you're in that cycle, youramygdala is lighting up,
cortisol and adrenaline areflooding through your system.
Your brain does go into fightor flight, and this is why, for

(27:26):
many high achievers, they oftencarry a sense of restlessness
and anxiousness.
They can never relax.
You sit down for five minutes,try to watch something.
You feel like you should bedoing something else.
Right, does that narrativesound familiar to you?
You can't relax, relaxationfeels like wasted time and
there's a guilt that begins tocome with it.

(27:46):
And so every few minutes,you're getting up and thinking,
well, I need to do this or Ineed to do that.
Or you're actually just sittingthere ruminating on what you
should or shouldn't be doing andeverybody's feeling like you're
not present, you're notenjoying things, you don't have
time to be with your kids, youdon't have time to have intimacy
, you don't have time to reallytake care of your needs mentally
and emotionally, and yournervous system is literally

(28:09):
stuck in survival mode.
Does this feel real to you?
I hope it does.
I hope you're feeling this inyour system as I'm talking about
it, because if you stay in thispath, it does not end well.
I know personally, and this iswhy I do the coaching that I do.
This is why I do the work thatI do, giving people the
permission to love and acceptthemselves as they are before

(28:33):
the consequences get worse andworse.
And here's what I'm hopingyou're seeing and understanding
All of this stuff that we'retalking about, the shame-based
motivation, how it affects thebrain and all the things that
start to happen in the nervoussystem.
This is why you keep running andthis is why it feels like you
can't stop.

(28:53):
Here's the truth.
You can stop Now.
I'm not talking about stoppingachievements.
You can stop Now.
I'm not talking about stoppingachievements.
I'm not talking about stoppingsuccess.
Okay, those are good things,and just because you have a
negative relationship with themright now doesn't mean that
those things are bad.
It's the way that we do them in.
And see, this is one of the bigfears of people who are high

(29:15):
performers or high achievers.
They get into either orthinking all or nothing.
I either have to go full out or, if I don't go full out, that
means I'm quitting, I'm stopping, and then I'm not going to have
success and everything's goingto fall apart.
No, you can achieve.
You can have success at evenhigher levels that you're having
right now, and it starts withunderstanding the fallacy in our

(29:38):
thinking around that and thenallowing ourselves to redefine
success and then putting thingsin place that allow us to still
perform, still achieve, stillhave success, but in a way
that's motivated from safety.
So now let's dig in a littlebit deeper on some of the costs
of living this way, of living ina way that's not sustainable.

(30:00):
I've talked about it andmentioned some of these things
earlier, but I want to dig intothem just a little bit more.
Number one, the obvious oneburnout.
And burnout is real.
It's about your mind, youremotions, your body, even your
spirituality, where you justfeel like nothing feels
life-giving, nothing feels good.
I describe it often as lifewent from color TV to black and

(30:23):
white TV.
So living this way, trying tosustain this kind of life with
those kinds of motivations, isgonna lead to burnout, and one
of the things I work with withmy clients is understanding how
to change those motivations.
Let go of some of those stories, because I'll always tell
people burnout isn't about howmuch you're doing, it's about

(30:43):
the way that you're doing it,the energy that you're doing it
in right, because we'reexpending a lot of mental and
emotional energy with our fears,beating ourselves up, shaming
ourselves.
All of that is energy that'ssucking the life out of us and
it's taking away any energy thatwe could put towards actually
meeting the goals that we havein our life, doing the things

(31:05):
that we really want to do.
So that's why I said earlierthat you can have even more
success in your life as you healthis area, because you're going
to have more energy and it'sgoing to be a whole different
set of energy, trust me and theresearch supports all of this.
Okay, dr Christina Maslach'sresearch on burnout shows that
it's caused by chronic stressand emotional exhaustion.

(31:30):
Can you feel me on that?
Are you in that place or haveyou been at that place?
Are you headed to that place?
Listen, you have to rememberthat as a high achiever, you're
often pushing yourself as we'vebeen talking about through this
whole episode beyond your limitsand over time, your body and
your mind will start to breakdown.

(31:50):
There's been extensive researchon this.
People don't get to escape this.
Okay, if you do that, if youstay in the pattern, you're
going to find yourself burnedout and you're going to find
yourself in this trap where youfeel exhausted but you can't
stop working.
You feel numb, you can't figureout why, you feel disconnected

(32:10):
from your intimate relationshipsand your social relationships.
But you have to get thatproject done right.
You got to meet that deadline,you got to do that thing, and so
you're sacrificing all of thethings that are important to you
.
You're actually sacrificingeverything that you hope these
achievements are going to allowyou to have.

(32:30):
We have a story that, when I getto a certain place, I can relax
, I can give my family what theywant, what they need.
I can then be free to be moresocially engaged and enjoy the
beautiful things of life.
But guess what?
That achiever, who's comingfrom a place that's unhealthy,
is never going to give you thepermission to do that.

(32:51):
Sit with that for a second.
The version of you that's righthere right now, driving you with
the stories that someday I'llbe able to relax, someday I'll
be able to enjoy and I'm doingit for these people that I love
and I care about and all of thatstuff right, that person, that

(33:11):
narrative, is going to be thereat your next achievement.
It's going to be there tellingyou okay, this one was good, but
we still have to do this nextone.
You're not going to be anydifferent at your next
achievement than you were atyour last one.
Why?
Because you haven't done thework internally to begin to
change the stories and thebeliefs that you carry.
And so now is the time to startchanging the beliefs, dealing

(33:37):
with the fear that you have thatif you stop, if you give up,
things are going to go bad.
The shoe's going to drop.
You see, that story is justgoing to keep living with you
because it's a story that'sbased in your identity and your
worthiness, not in the storythat you're trying to get to a
certain place so that you cangive yourself permission to back

(33:58):
off.
That's the person that needsthe healing, that's the story
that needs the healing, and theachievements are never going to
give you that.
Success is never going to healyou.
Achievements are never going togive you permission to relax.
Do you really think that all ofa sudden, you're going to
achieve something?
It's going to.

(34:18):
Then, at that moment, thatachievement is going to say to
you hey, we arrived, we're OK,you can relax.
No, you know who does that.
You do that and you're the onlyone who has the power to do it,
and the work starts today.
Make today day one of yourtransformation, to give yourself

(34:40):
the permission to enjoy all ofthe things that you've been
working so hard to allowyourself and others to have.
Now, the other challenges thatwe start to face when we live
like this is the workaholismright and the self-handicapping.
So we are really familiar withworkaholism right and what that
means, but you might not befamiliar with self-handicapping,

(35:03):
and it is a psychologicalstrategy where you create
obstacles for yourself.
So if you fail, you have anexcuse.
Because we're so afraid offailure that we'll actually
subconsciously build strategiesso that we have a story to share
or to say about why we fail.
And self-handicapping shows upin things like procrastination.

(35:26):
You just keep pushing it off sothat you can then tell yourself
I didn't have enough time.
Or you overcommit, and so youjust tell yourself and others
that I just had too much on myplate, I couldn't possibly get
it all done, and you kind ofwear that as a badge.
Or you're setting impossiblegoals, right?
You're setting so many of themthat you can't possibly get all
of those things done.

(35:46):
And that's one of the things Iwork with people early on in
coaching is taking a look attheir goals and then beginning
to try to right-size them andthen focusing in on just a few.
And as you focus in on thosefew and you learn the patterns
and the behaviors and the skillsthat's required to meet those
in a sustainable way.
You can then translate those toother things.
But for many high achievers thegoal list is long and the

(36:10):
measure of what it means to meetthat goal, to do it perfectly,
is often outlandish, ridiculous.
And we do that subconsciouslyin order to give ourselves a
story and an out that we can goto when we fail, and the
research on self-handicappingtheory or the reason that people
do it shows it is a defensemechanism, as we've been talking

(36:31):
about, and it's a defensemechanism to protect your sense
of worth, because if you fail,you can blame the circumstances
instead of yourself.
Now the other challenges thatshow up that I'll touch on
briefly we've mentioned some ofthem already in this episode are
relationship issues.
Right, because shame-drivenachievers struggle with
connection and intimacy.
If you believe your worth istied to your performance, it's

(36:54):
hard to let someone see you whenyou're weak or you're
vulnerable, so you wind uphiding yourself, you wind up
hiding your doubts and yourfears and you don't have a safe
place to ask for help whenyou're struggling, because you
believe that you have to keep atthat level and any sign of

(37:15):
weakness or vulnerabilitydoesn't feel safe.
Now the other thing that canhappen for many achievers in
their relationships is that youcan become the fixer or the
provider in relationships, butyou're never the one who needs
help, or you're rarely the onewho needs help, because it
doesn't feel safe to feel likethat.

(37:36):
You need help, and one of thekey things in a relationship
working is equality in thatrelationship.
Help, and one of the key thingsin a relationship working is
equality in that relationship.
Right that one person doesn'tfeel like they're always the
needy one or the one who alwaysneeds the help, or they feel
like they're the one who'salways depending on the other
person.
That relationship dynamic isnot going to work out well, and
so for the achiever, one of thethings that's going to be

(37:59):
important for their relationshipto work is to express their
need for help and to receive it,because many high achievers
know how to give, but you don'tknow how to receive.
It feels unsafe to receivebecause you think you should be
able to do it all on your own,and if you can't do it all on
your own, that means there'ssomething wrong with you.

(38:22):
But there's probably somethingmuch deeper, at work or at play
in this, this fear to bevulnerable, this fear to ask for
help, because asking for help,being dependent on somebody else
at one point in your lifewasn't safe, and so you knew
that you had to show up foryourself.

(38:42):
Back then you had to figure itout for you.
You had to know how to do itall, solve the problems, because
you didn't have a caregiver whowas able to do that for you.
And so now that hyperindependence is causing your
relationships to suffer, it'scausing you to lack connection
and presence that you so deeplywant, because it just doesn't

(39:07):
feel safe to be dependent onsomebody else.
And a part of your healingwe're going to talk about this
in a little bit it's going to beabout learning to feel
vulnerable in relationships.
Now, the other consequence I'lltalk about in this type of
living is that emotionalnumbness that eventually shows
up.
Right.
Shame-based achievements cutyou off from yourself.

(39:29):
We know it cuts us off fromother people, but I want you to
know it also cuts you off fromyourself.
You start to feel detached fromwho you are.
Success stops feeling good.
It feels empty.
You don't even know why you'redoing it anymore.
Joy becomes foreign and youstart to fake it.
You're trying to find happiness, but you can't find it because

(39:51):
you become disconnected from whoyou are, because that identity
in the achiever is taking overeverything.
That person that you have to be,that flawless, perfect,
get-it-done type of person, isalways out there in front and
you're hidden right behind it.
You wish you could get rid ofthat facade, that exterior, but

(40:11):
you can't because it's not safeand so you're separated from
yourself, you don't connect withyourself, you don't have time
to connect with yourself and,most importantly, you're afraid
what happens if you do connectwith yourself, because you've
been really working hard tobuild a story and a narrative
that keeps you disconnected fromyourself.
You're this right You're thedoctor, the lawyer, the achiever

(40:34):
, the whatever, the super person, like I said earlier, super mom
, super dad, super student,whatever the super is right.
That you're trying to be that'swho you're trying to build your
identity as, and to risk takingthe time to not be that and
connect with your authentic selfreminds you of who you think
you are, reminds you of the waythat you feel about yourself,

(40:57):
the whole thing that you'retrying to escape, and so no
wonder you feel disconnectedfrom your authentic self, no
wonder.
You feel like maybe you'reliving somebody else's life and
you've lost the sense of yourauthentic self.
And, on top of that, you're notexperiencing peace because your
nervous system is in fight orflight, so you can't relax, so

(41:17):
you feel disconnected, you'reconstantly churning and burning
and you can't figure out how tofind your way back home to
yourself because you'rerejecting yourself, and a part
of shame-based achievement isthe attempt to reject yourself,
is the attempt to disconnectyourself from yourself, and
healing once again is going tobe about learning to love and

(41:40):
accept yourself and connect toyourself and to stop hiding from
yourself.
Can I just say that again, Iwant to encourage you to think
about what would happen if youstopped hiding from you, if you
weren't buried underneath all ofyour achievements, if you

(42:03):
allowed yourself to see yourself.
And I know you might be afraidto see who you are or to face
the way that you feel aboutyourself or what you believe
about yourself, but it's goingto be key.
It's going to be key to facethat part of you that you have
been working so hard to avoidand learn how to sit with it,

(42:25):
love it and integrate that as apart of who you are.
Because I want to tell you,that part that you're rejecting
and trying to get rid of is abeautiful part of who you are.
It's simply carrying a burdenof pain and it's developed
unhealthy coping mechanisms totry to heal that pain.
And one of the unhealthy copingmechanisms is the high achiever

(42:48):
, the workaholism and all ofthat character that we build.
But I want to just say it againthe part of you that you're
avoiding, the part of you you'retrying to bury, that you don't
want to sit with, is beautiful.
It's a beautiful part of youthat you're avoiding.
The part of you you're tryingto bury, that you don't want to
sit with, is beautiful.
It's a beautiful part of youand it has so much to offer you.
So with that, let's talk abouthow to heal, how to change and

(43:12):
how to create the life youactually want to live.
So how do you break free fromall of this?
The first thing start buildingself-compassion.
Dr Paul Gilbert, who Imentioned earlier, in his
research on compassion-focusedtherapy, shows that cultivating
self-compassion helps calm thethreat system and activate the

(43:38):
soothing system.
Threat system and activate thesoothing system takes us out of
fight or flight, starts toactivate the parasympathetic
nervous system.
That rest, the permission torest and to relax.
So, if shame-based achievementsis trying to overcome the way
that you feel about yourself,self-compassion is about loving
yourself and accepting yourselfas you are and extending

(44:02):
compassion to the beautifulperson that you are right now,
in this moment, who's worthy ofacceptance without all of the
achievements.
That doesn't need theachievements in order for you to
be kind to yourself, for you tolove yourself and this might be
bouncing off your nervoussystem right now, you might be
thinking there's no way I can dothis.
I know how that feels.
I know the story that I carried, that I was the only one who
wasn't gonna be able to changethat I was different.

(44:24):
But that's that whole messageof shame.
That's what shame is, and so,as a part of moving towards
self-compassion and out of shame, I wanna invite you start
noticing your self-talk.
How do you speak to yourself?
Do you speak to yourself theway you'd speak to somebody that
you love?
Probably not.
Are you driving yourself withrelentless criticism, finding

(44:46):
all the flaws, findingeverything that you did wrong
instead of what you did right?
Can you take time to identifythat story that you have and
then begin to shift it towards amore compassionate story.
And if you can't see or eventhink, then begin to shift it
towards a more compassionatestory.
And if you can't see or eventhink about how to be
compassionate towards yourselfor talk to yourself in a way
that's compassionate, thinkabout a dear friend, or think

(45:08):
about your children, if you havethem, or somebody who's really
dear in your life, and begin towrite out how you would speak to
them.
And now I know there's going tobe stories that come out as to
why you can't speak to yourselfthat way, that it's different.
It's not different.
Okay, it's only different.
Because you tell yourself thatyou're different.

(45:28):
You might say, well, no, I knowme, I know my story, I know all
the things that I've done.
Listen, I know me, I know allmy stories, I know all that I've
done.
But I that I've done, but Ihave still learned to give
myself compassion.
Because I realized thatstatement of I know me, I know
all my stories, I know what I'vedone, I'm different is shame,
and that's the thing that we'regoing to overcome, and one of
the ways we overcome it is withcompassion towards ourselves.

(45:52):
This is one of the bigchallenges for high achievers is
to show ourselves compassionbecause we believe that that is
weakness.
It's not weakness, it isstrength to face yourself, to
give yourself the samecompassion that you don't feel
like you deserve and begin tosee that you do deserve it.
Okay, and if that word deserveis too strong for you, I get it.

(46:13):
Then move towards just simplysaying that you're going to give
yourself the same compassionthat you would give to somebody
that you love and you care about.
But here's the truth you dodeserve it.
And the other thing that's goingto be important as a practice
of self-compassion is to giveyourself permission to rest
without guilt.

(46:34):
Do a little experiment thisweek, if you're up for it.
Take some time and rest.
Just be there, see what storiescome up.
Okay, what do you start tothink about?
Note it, write it down, getcurious about it.
Instead of feeling guilt aboutwhy you can't rest, get curious
about why you can't rest.
What's the narrative thatstarts to come up?

(46:56):
What do you tell yourself?
That's going to be evidence foryou about the pain.
That's going to be evidence foryou about why you feel like you
need to prove yourself.
So try that this week.
Just take some time and rest,relax, see what stories come up
and then meet yourself withwords of compassion, kindness,

(47:16):
understanding the same that youwould give to anybody else who's
experiencing those things.
Now, another thing that's goingto be really important in this
process of healing and changingis giving yourself permission to
redefine success.
And I know that can be scary.
I know it can be, but I wantyou to think about something
Success is not about externaloutcomes.

(47:38):
I know that's the way that wethink, especially in our culture
, but it's really not about that.
It's about what we're hopingall of those things are going to
give to us, and what are wehoping our achievements are
going to give to us.
The financial success,relational, all that.
It's about internal peace, andthe only person that can allow
us to have internal peace isourselves.

(48:00):
So can I invite you to dosomething right now?
Can you start the journey ofredefining success?
Could you maybe imagine thatsuccess, as I said, is about
internal peace, that success isabout showing up authentically,
letting go of the character.
That success is about joy,satisfaction, connection with

(48:23):
other people, allowing ourselvesto enjoy what we have, about
being able to be present, tohave a relaxed nervous system,
to be able to accept ourselves.
Because, once again, if we taketime and we take a moment and
we project to think like, whatare we hoping all of these

(48:43):
achievements are going to giveus?
And then we anchor ourselvesinto that right.
Really think about what it isyou're hoping all of this will
give you.
Anchor into it, and then beginto give yourself permission to
have that now, and then begin tobuild a life that's focused
around that about what truesuccess is.

(49:07):
When was the last time you askedyourself what is true success
for you?
When did you actually create avision for your life that was
based off of what youauthentically want, versus what
you think you have to do, ofwhat you feel like you need to
do?
Now I get it.
We all need to do certainthings in life, but if the
majority of our life is basedoff of things that we don't want

(49:27):
to do, that we don't enjoy,that are leading us down a path
of burnout, etc, that we'rechasing all of it, I don't know
if that's a life that we want tocontinue to live, and I
certainly don't think thatthat's what success is.
What is a successful life toyou?
Have you taken time to defineit?
If you struggle with it, thinkabout how it would feel.

(49:48):
Think about the emotions, thestate of being that you would be
in if you got the things thatyou're trying to get, and then
begin to build a vision andgoals and habits that allow you
to get towards that and startdoing that today.
So, for example, if one of themis that you feel like success

(50:09):
is connection in yourrelationships, how could you
begin to have connection If youfeel like success is having
impact and meaning?
How could you start tointegrate impact into your life
today, meaning into your life?
Could you take a moment and bepresent today and allow yourself
to experience a sense of aweand wonder?

(50:31):
Because, remember, everythingthat we're chasing is about
trying to get us into a statewhere we feel that we have the
peace, the joy, the acceptance,the connection that we're
looking for.
And so maybe this week youcould do an exercise of
understanding.

(50:52):
What are you trying to build,what are you trying to achieve,
what are you running from andrunning towards, and is it even
what you want?
And if it isn't, then giveyourself the permission to start
designing your life the waythat you want it to be, the way
that you truly imagine that youwant your life to be.

(51:14):
You don't have to buildsomebody else's life.
For many of us, that's whatwe're doing.
We're building somebody else'slife based off of expectations,
based off of shame that we gothanded to us or perfectionism
that get wired into us.
We're actually buildingsomebody else's story, somebody
else's life, and if it's notresonating with you, please give

(51:35):
yourself the permission toredefine what success is for you
.
What does a life that youactually want to live look like?
And then give yourself thepermission, take the brave,
courageous step to give yourselfthe permission to build that
life.
Now, the third thing that canhelp you grow and change in this

(51:56):
area is to focus on mastery,not performance.
What do I mean by that?
One of the things that's goingto be key is getting out of the
performance mechanisms rightthat are based in shame, to show
that I'm not that and let meperform to show that I'm not
that.
To getting into mastery,because mastery is actually
something that you can begin toenjoy, that begins to become a

(52:19):
challenge that's life-giving foryou, that's not so attached to
outcomes but is more connectedwith the process of external
motivation, comes from masteryand autonomy, right.
So autonomy, the feeling thatwe are free to do it in the way

(52:43):
that we want to do it, that weare getting to make our choices,
that we're not driven by someother story, and that intrinsic
motivation is actually what'ssustainable, that keeps us from
going down the paths of burnoutand workaholism and maladaptive
or unhealthy coping mechanisms.
And that's a powerful thing.
To shift to right, to shifttowards intrinsic or internal

(53:06):
motivations based off of values,based off of our ability to
master something, based off ofour autonomy, our ability to say
that's what I want to do.
And when we switch to that thatinternal motivation versus
external validation we thenstart to get on a path that's
sustainable and life-giving.
And a couple of ways that wecan do that is start to make a

(53:29):
shift from winning or achievingto learning right.
This is all about moving from afixed mindset to a growth
mindset.
This was an area I really had towork on to shift from winning
to learning, because for me, itwas no longer about getting the
skills or doing the thing.
It was about getting it doneand then moving to the next

(53:51):
thing.
There was this urgency that Ialways carried about get that
task done, get that goal done,get this accomplishment done, go
to the next thing.
It was about winning, winning,winning, achieving, achieving,
achieving for the sake ofwinning, and achieving instead
of learning, instead of growth,instead of mastery, and I wasn't
even giving myself permissionto celebrate the achievements or

(54:13):
the wins.
Let me ask you do you allowyourself to celebrate your wins?
Do you allow yourself to anchoryourself in the achievements
before going on to the next one?
Are you learning and growing?
Are you just blowing througheverything?
Because it's really about theoutcome versus who you're
becoming.
You know, one of the things Ilike to do in coaching is to

(54:35):
help people understand.
It's not the achievement that'sthe most important thing, but
it's who you become and theprocess of your achievements.
And if your achievements arebased on trying to not be
somebody versus trying to growand learn and to develop
yourself into the person thatyou want to be, you're going to

(54:58):
stay in that energy that's goingto keep you stuck, move you
towards burnout, not allow youto enjoy your life.
And so self-determinationtheory tells us that if we can
begin to shift our focus on howam I growing, how am I evolving,
how am I expanding, and itbecomes about us, not just the

(55:20):
thing that we're trying to dowe're going to begin to achieve
and succeed from a muchhealthier place.
Because, listen, when it'sabout you and your growth and
who you're becoming, you're alsogoing to make sure that you're
taking care of yourself.
You're also going to bechecking in with yourself.
You're going to be assessingand addressing the five key
areas that I talked about in thelast episode of what makes up a

(55:44):
healthy relationship withyourself.
Okay, so, if you start focusingin on you as the person in the
process and mastery and learningand growth, your relationship
with achievements and success isgoing to change and your
relationship with yourself isgoing to change and the way that
you do it is going to change.

(56:04):
You're going to make sure it'ssustainable, not just grinding
through to get to the next thingout of a sense of desperation
to try to prove yourself.
Now, the fourth thing that'sgoing to be important in this
healing process is aboutbuilding secure attachments with
people.
You know shame thrives insecrecy and empathy is a key

(56:27):
part of healing shame.
Being vulnerable and being metwith empathy and support is
going to be a key part of youhealing and becoming a healthy
and resilient high achiever, andI know this might be one of the
more scary areas to dive into,but it's a very necessary area

(56:49):
if you truly want to make change.
Dr Susan Johnson's work onattachment and attachment theory
shows that vulnerability is akey to building connections.
And guess what Connection is?
Key to thriving, is a key toletting go of that feeling that
you're not enough, to healingimposter syndrome, to feeling

(57:13):
safe and for you to be able tosustain the achievements that
you want in your life, to meetthe goals that you have, without
burning out Other people are akey part of that.
For many high achievers theydon't see that and they don't
want to see that.
Because needing help orbecoming vulnerable or dependent
on other people is so scarybecause of the way that we feel

(57:36):
about ourselves, because of thatshame, we feel like we've got
to keep ourselves in hiding All,allowing somebody to see a
struggle.
Man, that's a tough one.
But if you want to heal, if youwant to change, let somebody
see you struggle.
Let somebody not see you asperfect.
Ask for help without having toover-explain it or justify it.

(57:58):
Just simply say you need somehelp.
How does that feel when I saythat?
Does that feel scary to you?
Allow your intimate partner tohelp you.
Allow a coach or a therapist tohelp you in your journey, get
the help you need.
It's going to be key to yourhealing and your change and
sustainability because it'sgoing to start taking the

(58:19):
pressure off, because it's goingto act as a relief valve.
It's going to show you thatyou're okay, even with all the
struggles that you have andyou're going to probably be met
with yeah, me too, I'mstruggling with that and I'm
afraid to be vulnerable and I'mafraid to ask for help.
We all are in some sense,aren't we?
But if you allow yourself to bevulnerable, bring down the wall

(58:40):
and receive care and help andsupport without guilt, without
shame, without the story of whatit means to you, if you do that
, it's going to be key tohelping you heal because it's
getting to the core right.
It's getting to the core ofbeing afraid to be seen.

(59:03):
We want everybody to see ourachievements.
We don't want them to see us.
But if we get saferelationships where people can
see us and see us apart from ourachievements, and we begin to
feel accepted in those types ofrelationships, it'll actually
start to heal you.
It's even going to release abunch of feel-good chemicals,
right, our oxytocin and allthose feel-good chemicals are

(59:28):
going to start getting releasedand allow your nervous system to
relax and allow yourself tostart moving towards something
that feels more like the lifethat you want to build Now.
The other thing that's going tobe key and we're going to do a
whole episode on this is tocreate new rhythms, to realize
that rest is not weakness.
It's necessary for sustainedperformance.

(59:52):
You ask any high-performingelite athlete and you're going
to find that they're asintentional about their rest
routine as they are about theirathletic performance.
And why we don't translate thatinto the world of daily life
for high achievers causes me toscratch my head sometimes, and I

(01:00:13):
know we've got some things thatare out there, but it's not
something that's really embeddedwith coaching programs for high
achievers.
Many of the programs are justabout driving and grinding
yourself more hustle right.
That's not going to keep youwhere you want to be and you're
actually going to outperformthose individuals in the long
term if you make restintentional.

(01:00:34):
Once again, back to the athlete.
If they were constantly pushingthemselves to peak performance
every single day, what's goingto happen when competition time
comes right If they haven't hadany chance to rest and to
recover and allow their musclesto rebuild, allow their systems
to reset.
They're going to have a levelof fatigue and exhaustion that's
going to cause them to be beatby their competition.

(01:00:55):
No different for you.
When we think about performanceand achievement mentally,
emotionally and business andphysically all the things that
we're trying to do you're goingto have to get intentional about
routines that allow you to backoff.
And if you can't, then that'san invitation to discover the
story that's behind why youcan't rest, why you can't just

(01:01:18):
be without feeling like you gotto keep achieving, keep grinding
.
So here's an encouragement foryou You're going to have to
allow yourself downtime,recovery time.
Okay, to not constantly have toachieve.
And here's one of the traps formany high achievers they tell
themselves that this period oftheir life is just a season and
when they get through it, thenthey'll rest, then they'll take

(01:01:40):
a break.
But guess what?
It never comes right.
And when your season has turnedinto months and years and
decades, it isn't a seasonNewsflash, it's a lifestyle and
it's something that is embeddedin your nervous system.
And one of the things that'sgoing to help get that out of
your nervous system is allowingyourself to be intentional about

(01:02:03):
rest.
So can you do something?
Can you schedule yourself somedowntime?
Can you allow yourself toengage in something that you
just enjoy?
It's not performance-based,it's joy-based.
When was the last time that youdid something and it wasn't
about performance?
You might be saying, forexample yeah, I mean, I took up

(01:02:25):
tennis or some other type ofactivity.
Let me ask you something Didyou turn it into something that
became an achievement that youhad to be the best at?
That now feels somewhat like agrind instead of an outlet and
instead of just being joy anddoing it for the sake of doing
it.
And if you didn't do that, ifyou didn't turn it into
something that's all aboutachievement that became

(01:02:46):
life-sucking.
Are you able to experience itwithout guilt?
Are you able to do things inyour life that aren't about
achievement, that aren't movingyou towards something, whatever
that thing is?
Are you able to do thosewithout guilt?
Are you able to do them withpeace and joy?
If not, I invite you to reflecton that and understand once

(01:03:08):
again what's the stories, what'sthe motivators?
If you do it with somecuriosity, I'm sure you'll find
out some areas that you're beinginvited into to begin to heal.
That'll move you towards a pathof being a healthy, thriving,
resilient high achiever.
I hope that that gives you someencouragement, as you see that

(01:03:29):
there are some strategies thatyou can engage in, that can
start to help you heal, that canhelp you change, to get you off
the achievement treadmill.
And once again, when I say getoff the achievement treadmill,
I'm not talking about that wedon't achieve anymore, that we
don't do great things with ourlife, but we no longer feel like
we're driven by theachievements, that the

(01:03:51):
achievements are actuallydriving us, versus us engaging
in them as a way ofself-expansion, versus being
based off of shame and hiding,trying to outrun the way that we
feel about ourselves.
So let me say it againAchievements are never going to
heal you.
Shame-based achievements arenever going to satisfy you,

(01:04:14):
because they're based from aplace of fear and not enoughness
, instead of being based in loveand a sense of worthiness
that's inherent to who you are,because you exist, not because
you have to do something toprove it.
So can I encourage you that youare enough.

(01:04:36):
Even when you quote, unquote,fail, you are worthy.
Even when you're not productive, even when you're not achieving
something, you're worthy.
You don't need to keep provingyourself.
You don't have to prove thatyou're worthy of love to anybody
else, or even to yourself.

(01:04:58):
Now, if what I have shared hasresonated with you and you want
to make some changes and moveout of shame-based achievements
into a place of self-acceptance,I want to help you on that
journey.
I'm going to encourage you tosee the show notes in this
episode, or go to my website atjerryhendersonorg and set up a
free strategy call where we cantalk and we can connect and we

(01:05:21):
can start getting to the root ofsome of these challenges that
you're facing, so that you canmake the changes.
Now.
Get rid of the story that whenX, y and Z happens, you'll start
making the changes.
Whatever X, y and Z is, it'snever going to give you the
permission to make the changesthat you need to make.

(01:05:43):
You're the one who givesyourself that permission, and
one of the first steps that youcan make towards giving yourself
that permission is to set upthat call.
No obligation, no pressure.
Well, just connect and see ifworking together is the right
fit to get you out of that cycleand get you towards something
that feels more healthy,life-giving, more connected,

(01:06:06):
more presence, more intimacy,more joy, more peace all the
things that you're working sohard for, but you're not
actually giving yourself thepermission to enjoy, to
experience and to savor thepermission to enjoy, to
experience and to savor.
Don't you think it's time foryou to allow yourself to start
enjoying the life that you have?
And don't you think it's timefor you to allow yourself to be

(01:06:32):
okay with you, for you torealize there's nothing wrong
with you, there's nothing thatyou need to outrun, that you can
sit in a place ofself-acceptance?
If that's you, I encourage youonce again.
Set up that free call, and I'mlooking forward to connecting
with you.
Now, if you've not yet had achance to subscribe to or to
follow this podcast, I want toencourage you to take a moment

(01:06:53):
to do that, because that's goingto keep you updated on when new
episodes come out, and I don'twant you to miss a single
episode.
Now, if you're finding thisepisode and others helpful, I
would encourage you to share itwith somebody, because if it's
making a difference in your life, it'll make a difference in
their life as well.
Well, thank you for joininganother episode of the
Permission to Love podcast, andI want to remind you, as I

(01:07:13):
always do, that you are worthyof your own love and you're
worthy of your own love.
Regardless of your achievements, regardless of your success,
you can give yourself thepermission to love yourself.