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May 15, 2025 20 mins

We all have moments when we feel anxious – in every phase of life. How can we know if our child needs professional help for their mental health?

Dr. Emilie DeYoung, Clinical Director and Counselor at Winning at Home, shares three things we can look for to help us discern if what our child is experiencing is a normal “life lesson” or if it’s time to access a professional.  

Dr. Emilie also:  

  • Answers a listener’s question about giving our children words for their feelings as early as 2 – is it helpful or hurtful?
  • Emphasizes the importance of validating emotions while not allowing them to drive our decisions.
  • Empowers parents as the primary influence in their child’s life, even when you get the big eye roll.
  • Explains the five factors’ parents and families can adopt to promote resilience in their families.

Also, your children can be your greatest teacher. Shawna shares three things her oldest daughter taught her in the short time she was stateside – lessons that have changed how she lives and how she enters every day.

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Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
S1 (00:03):
It's the Ferry and Shawna podcast on the real life
journey with you, reminding you that you are ABBA's beloved
child and that Jesus has called you into his massive
mission to heal the world.

S2 (00:17):
May is Mental Health Awareness Month. I don't know if
you knew that or not. And so Emily DeYoung, Doctor
Emily is a clinical director, and she's a counselor at
Winning at home, and we have her with us this morning.
When it comes to our mental health, we all have
moments when we feel anxious. We all feel sad. So
and I think this is true at every phase of life.
We know our kids are anxious. My goodness. I remember

(00:41):
going back to like going back to school, whether it
was in September or whether it was after a long weekend.
There was always a lot of anxiety within the kids.
So if we all have anxious thoughts, we all have
sad thoughts. How do we know if this is just
normal childhood stuff that our kids are going through. Or

(01:02):
maybe we need some professional help.

S3 (01:04):
Right. It's hard to tell, isn't it, Shauna? Because sometimes
we have a day when we feel like our kids
are really off. And Ben, you even talked about having
an off day this morning. And so it's hard to
know sometimes when it's something that we can handle ourselves
and something that we perhaps should consult someone that's in
that field professionally. And so I think there are three

(01:24):
things to ask yourself. Um, first is intensity. The second
is frequency, and the third is duration. So if it's
happening in an intense way that seems extreme and it's
happening frequently more than a couple of times a week,
and it's been going on for a length of time,
perhaps a couple of weeks or longer than that. Those

(01:46):
are things that might be indicators that it could be
time to consult a professional.

S2 (01:51):
And honestly, each one of those three kind of has
a spectrum to it does.

S3 (01:56):
It does. And it reminds me of a friend that
called me a few years back, and she was really
concerned because they had just discovered that their eight year
old son had been exposed to pornography. And and it really,
really sweet family and a great kid. And she was
really concerned about what do I do now and should

(02:16):
I bring him in for counseling. And so we talked
through that and discussed some different strategies she might be
able to take. But in that instance, we decided that
they could handle it well on their own.

S2 (02:26):
Very good. Is it fair to say that if the
question arises in your mind, like, maybe this is maybe
we need help? Like, there's no harm, no foul in
making an appointment and going in and having a professional
have a conversation with you and say, I think you
guys are good.

S3 (02:42):
Yes, yes. In fact, I really enjoy doing that because
oftentimes I feel like right now mental health has really,
really made some progress in terms of eliminating stigma in
our culture. Yes. But it has almost swung in the
opposite direction, where now it's almost like we have every
time we get afraid, we think we have anxiety on

(03:03):
some level. And so exactly what you're talking about when
you talk about, well, where is that line? At what
point do we understand that fear maybe has become anxiety.
And so it's always great to ask the question.

S2 (03:16):
So if we are dealing with, hey, it's not time
to go in and necessarily get professional help. But my child,
I am seeing anxiety. I'm seeing anxious thoughts or anxious behaviors.
What's one thing that we can do in the moment
to help lower that level of anxiety for our our child?

S3 (03:36):
Absolutely. I love this question. In fact, I even wrote
a little book about it. Hey, go check it out.
Peanut butter pie.

S2 (03:42):
Yes, it's a great book, by the way. Children's book.
So beautifully illustrated and such a little journey on how
to handle anxiety.

S3 (03:50):
Yes, but for parents, I like them to think about mind,
body and spirit. So what's one thing that we can
do with our body? Take a deep breath. Just take
a time to pause for a second, take a deep breath,
and then ask yourself, what are my thoughts doing in
this moment? If there are a lot of worry thoughts?
Let's just pause for a second and maybe replace those
thoughts with something that's more helpful. And then take a

(04:13):
moment to just pray and release those worries to the Lord.

S2 (04:16):
That's so good. Very simple. Very good. And like, consider
your thoughts in a non-judging way. Right? Because that can
be judgy. Judgy about my anxiety, right?

S3 (04:26):
Right. But that's a beautiful place to be kind to
yourself and invite the Lord into you and just ask
for compassion and and recognize that your thought is an event.
It's there, but your thought doesn't make it real.

S2 (04:42):
Gosh, I can remember like it was yesterday. My oldest
daughter was a freshman in high school. She had stayed
the night with a friend, and we met in the
high school gym because one of her siblings had something
the next day, and I wanted to greet her the
way that I always do with the big mama hug
and a good morning. And we were in the gym
in front of all of her friends, and I remember
getting shunned for the first time. And I thought, ah,

(05:03):
I thought, you know, you and I were tight. Like,
I'm your world, right? You're my world. And it was like.
I think that was the first time that I was
aware of how others were influencing her. And I thought, oh, no,
I'm losing my influence over my daughter. Can you talk?
We have Emily with us this morning. Emily DeYoung is

(05:24):
a clinical director at Winning at Home. Talk a little
bit about parenting and influence. And do we lose our
influence with our kids?

S3 (05:33):
Uh, that's such an important concept Seana. And if there's
anything that I want to do this morning it really
is to encourage parents. Parents you are still the most
important voice in your kids lives. And research has shown
that in spite of our surrounding culture, that sometimes feels
like it's undermining or sabotaging that relationship between parents and kids,

(05:55):
parents are still the most important voice, and that sometimes
can create some pressure, but along with that, know that
what you're saying does matter.

S2 (06:05):
Even if you get the big eye roll.

S3 (06:06):
Yes, even if you get the big eye roll on
the inside, they might be really celebrating that you love
them enough to give them a hug in front of
their friends.

S2 (06:15):
Oh, that's so good. Here's the question. I've noticed young
moms teaching very young children emotion language. I've heard a
two year old say, I'm feeling nervous. Does a two
year old know what nervous means? It seems like it's
used as maybe an excuse to obey or an excuse
to participate. What are your thoughts?

S3 (06:35):
Yeah, there's a lot in that question, but the first
thing that comes to mind for me is that a
two year old is still in the stage of language development.
So anytime we can introduce words to a two year old,
that's fantastic. And if we can build in emotional vocabulary,
even better. So whether or not they're learning about what
the names of animals are, is it a cow? Is

(06:55):
it a sheep? Is it a donkey? That's great. And
let's maybe introduce some emotional vocabulary too. They might get
it wrong. They might mistake the word fear for anger
for a little while, which is totally understandable at the
age of two. But it's nice to start implanting those
ideas and start thinking about what emotions are really important
in the lives of kids.

S2 (07:16):
Well, learning to manage our emotions, that's a big topic.
I mean, all throughout their childhoods, if you can give
them words early on, it helps.

S3 (07:25):
Exactly. Exactly. Yes.

S2 (07:31):
I am so glad that God created us with emotions.
I need to keep my emotions I get to we
get to experience our emotions with God. He did create
all the feels, but I don't want the feelings to
govern my life. I had a friend that called me
and she was struggling with the decision that she had
to make, and old boyfriend had offered to cover her

(07:53):
flight to come see him. Let's, you know, let's revisit
the possibility of the relationship. And the relationship ended because
it needed to. It should have. It was right and good.
But man, she felt wanted and all the heart tug
of this invitation. And so she reached out to me
and was like, what do I do? And it's just
the emotions of it all were confusing her decision making.

S3 (08:15):
Absolutely. And emotions are, like you said, they're such an
important part of who we are in such a sweet
gift from the Lord. And yet it's important that we
recognize that emotions should not be our decision makers in
our lives. It's so important to think about our decisions,
and even to let our emotions simmer a little bit
before we make decisions, because if we make decisions out

(08:38):
of an emotional place, our emotions fluctuate every day. And so,
especially for the friend that you're referencing, it's it may
be that the next day she realizes that maybe I
don't have the I don't have whatever I need to travel,
I don't have the funds, I don't have, um, the,
the time that I can get off from work. And
so when we really pause and let our thoughts dominate
our decisions, we usually have much better outcomes.

S2 (09:01):
We're talking with Emily DeYoung. She is the clinical director
of Winning at Home. And we've got a quick link
for you at Moody Radio. So when it comes to
not letting our feelings govern, there's just a lot of
conversation right now. Maybe it's just the circles I'm in,
but a lot of conversations about validating feelings.

S3 (09:19):
And indeed.

S2 (09:20):
Okay, so we want to validate our feelings, but we
want to not let them make our decisions. Can you
dive into that a little bit?

S3 (09:26):
Sure. And that captures the concept so well because our
feelings yes, they fluctuate a lot throughout the day. And
and especially for our teenagers, they're in a developmental stage
where their emotions are still developing and their emotions are
strong and they are really prone to that emotional reasoning.
In other words, they use their emotions to make a decision.

(09:48):
And that can be really impulsive. And that's just where
they are as far as the developmental stage goes. But
we also know that making decisions based on our emotions
is usually not a great idea because it can lead
to poor outcomes.

S2 (10:02):
It's a real roller coaster ride for anybody in our life.

S3 (10:06):
Right, right.

S2 (10:07):
When we're when we're governed by our emotions.

S3 (10:10):
Yes. So as a parent, if I can just offer
a word of encouragement to parents, especially for those who
have teenagers at home, recognize that their emotions are important.
So it's okay to validate those emotions. Yeah, I see
you're feeling really excited, or I see that you're feeling
really nervous about that. But let's not that cloud our
judgment and let's really lean into what is the wise

(10:31):
thing to do, not let our emotional mind take control,
but let our wise mind take control and then make
a decision from that place.

S2 (10:38):
Okay, this is flipping the switch a little bit, but
I'm just very specifically remembering a time when I used
to lead a worship team at our church, and it
was Wednesday night. I was really, really tired. It was
time to leave for rehearsal, and I didn't want to go.
I didn't I didn't feel like going to lead the
worship rehearsal. And the kids were downstairs and I just

(10:59):
had said my husband was home too, but I was like,
I'm leaving for worship rehearsal, you guys. I'll see you later,
you know? Yes. And my, my youngest was like, mom, wait.
And I'm like, ah. So she comes upstairs and she
gives me a big hug. And, you know, my whole body,
like my whole demeanor, like everything was just right. And

(11:19):
she's like, mom. She said, why are you feeling what
you're feeling? Why? Why? And I said, I just I
don't feel fully prepared. I've had a really busy week
and I'm feeling anxious. I don't feel fully prepared and
I need to lead the team. And so I just
don't feel like going. And she's like, you are a
worship leader. Not because somebody gave you that title, but
because that's who you are. You're prepared because you love

(11:42):
Jesus and you spend time with him. And what what
would be better preparation for leading a team and leading
worship than have having spent that time with the Lord?
She was like hyped me up big time and then
put her, then put her little hand on my shoulder
and prayed for me and sent me on my way.

S3 (11:58):
I love it, that's fantastic. And it reminds me of
actually yesterday this happened where I got home from work
and I was supposed to be exercising. I was going
to meet a friend for some exercise and man, I
did not feel like it. I was tired, but I
had made a commitment and I really wanted to honor
that commitment. And so even though I didn't feel like it,

(12:18):
I pushed through and I made a decision with my
mind and and believe it or not, a half an
hour later, after exercising, I felt fantastic.

S2 (12:28):
You probably felt great physically, but you also probably felt
proud of yourself for pushing through that.

S3 (12:33):
Exactly, exactly. So as parents, it is important for us
to encourage our kids to push through even when they
are feeling they're feeling down or they're feeling tired. It's
it's okay to ask them if it's okay just to
keep going. Keep going. Don't stop.

S2 (12:48):
Yeah. And to let our kids know you can do
hard things.

S3 (12:51):
Yeah, yeah. Even when you don't feel.

S2 (12:53):
Like.

S3 (12:54):
It. Even when you don't feel like it. You can
do hard things.

S2 (13:00):
Yesterday I heard doctor. Oh, no. I think I just
I just gave him a doctorate. I heard John Mark comer.
He's not a doctor. I don't know if he's a
doctor or he's not a doctor.

S3 (13:09):
He certainly deserves to be. If he's not, he does.

S2 (13:11):
He's a wise man.

S3 (13:12):
He says.

S2 (13:13):
Smart things. Anyway, this is one of the smart things
I heard from him yesterday. He was talking about parenting,
and it just brought so much comfort to my heart
to hear him say that our kids do not need
perfect parents. They need parents who are going to mess up,
but when they mess up, know how to reconcile the
relationship and that that is actually something that builds resilience.

S3 (13:36):
Absolutely, absolutely. And a clinical term for that would be
a repair attempt. And so anytime a parent can confess
and say, I'm sorry I blew it, but and really
work on that connectedness with their child, that absolutely builds resilience.

S2 (13:52):
In the relationship. We're talking with Doctor Emily DeYoung. She
is the clinical director at Winning at Home. We've got
a quick link for winning a home at Moody Radio. Okay,
so resilience is something we want to be able to
bless our kids with. How else do we like? What
do they need and how can we give it to
them as parents?

S3 (14:10):
I love that question because there's so much focus on
what could be wrong with kids that we really, really
do need to focus on what's going right and promote
some of those protective factors that help them weather hard storms.
So thinking about five things that are really important for
kids to know, and one is just having a clear
sense of purpose and meaning. And as a parent, I

(14:31):
can instill that from an early age, recognizing that God
has called them to a specific purpose and has created
them with the gifts and abilities that they need in
order to accomplish that, and calling that them to that
at a young age really gives them a sense of direction.
It's a North Star, if you will.

S2 (14:48):
That's really good. I remember when I was little, my
my parents did such a great job of letting me
know that God had a plan for my life, and
my little heart translated that to mean that there was
going to be this moment when the sky parted and
the angels sang and the light shone on me. And
I was like, this is it. This is it. This
is my moment. This is why I'm here. And you know,
a few decades into this life, I have come to

(15:10):
realize that the moments happen all the time. Yes, of
our purpose. They are there so we can give that
gift to our kids too, right? Like you matter today,
not just someday. It's not just your potential. Exactly who
you are.

S3 (15:24):
And who you are matters today. Yeah, absolutely.

S2 (15:27):
What else?

S3 (15:27):
I love that. The second thing I would say is
resiliency is a key factor for kids for positive outcomes.
And that just means that in spite of hard things,
they're able to weather that and keep going. And we
had talked about that a little bit earlier of just
saying you can do hard things in spite of how
you might feel.

S2 (15:44):
Very good.

S3 (15:46):
Yeah. The third thing would be just a sense of
optimism and having a positive outlook and just hope for
the future, which, again, for someone from a base of faith,
recognizes that no matter what, God is sovereign and he
is in control over things in our lives. And as
a result of that, even if things are hard, we
still have hope because we know that our Redeemer lives.

S2 (16:10):
And that's not denying reality.

S3 (16:14):
Exactly.

S2 (16:14):
Circumstances that are. It's knowing that there is a truth
in the midst of the reality that is greater than
the circumstances.

S3 (16:20):
Indeed. Yeah.

S2 (16:22):
Awesome.

S3 (16:22):
And that can really especially in those valleys, when life
gets really, really hard, it's helpful to know that even
though this season is dark and hard, there's still hope
for the future.

S2 (16:35):
It's good it's not, you know. Oh, you'll be fine.
Don't worry about it.

S3 (16:38):
No, no, no.

S2 (16:39):
Pushing it away.

S3 (16:41):
It's coming alongside within that time.

S2 (16:43):
Awesome. What else can we give our kiddos?

S3 (16:45):
Yeah. An internal locus of control is really important. And
that just means that they recognize that they have some
agency or control over their life and circumstances. It's so
easy to blame everything around us for the things that
are happening. But indeed we do have a choice of
how we're going to respond. And so as a parent,
if I can instill that and help them recognize that, no,

(17:07):
you do have a choice. You might not be able
to control the circumstance, but you can definitely control how
you respond to it.

S2 (17:13):
Yeah, you have agency. You have power, I think, and
there's nothing worse than feeling like I'm a complete victim
in this situation and there's nothing I can do.

S3 (17:22):
Right. It makes it promotes that helplessness and hopelessness when indeed,
no matter what, we still can. We can embrace that
sense of agency.

S2 (17:30):
Was that five? I haven't been counting.

S3 (17:34):
The last thing I have on my list is just
a supportive relationship. And we covered that a little bit
earlier when we talked about how a parent can have
a repair attempt, even when they when they do something hard.

S2 (17:50):
On Sunday, I brought my oldest daughter to O'Hare airport
to fly back to the Czech Republic, where she lives.
That's home for her. She works there, sharing the love
of Jesus with people, and she was with us for
six months. Wow. It's wild that six months went by
really quick, but she taught me a lot during that
six months. She taught me to use reusable bags. I

(18:12):
no longer receive or accept plastic bags. Wow. I bring
my bags. You know, Europe is very earth sensitive. And
so she taught me to make better choices. She really
upped my recycle game big time. She also taught me
I don't need as much as I think I do.
She is absolutely a minimalist and I'm like, oh, that's cute,

(18:33):
let's buy it. So she definitely taught me to just
be content. Hey mom, don't you already have a black
t shirt? Well, yeah, I have 11, you know. So
that was. She changed my life. She changed my life
in so many ways. But I think the most impactful
thing that I learned when she was here is that
every day is a gift. I'm telling you, six months

(18:54):
went by way too quick, and we knew that it would.
So every day that I had with her. I was
grateful for that day. It didn't matter if we were
running errands or if we were buying groceries, or we
just were bumping into each other in the kitchen while
making ginger shots or laying on the couch watching a
show together and just laughing, each day was a gift.

(19:16):
She's back in the Czech Republic, and she's doing what
God has called her to do, and I'm so, so,
so proud of her. But even though she's there and
I'm here, I hold on to what she gave me.
I'm still using, still refusing to take plastic bags home.
And I'm I'm living today knowing that today is a
gift from God.

S1 (19:38):
Thanks for letting Barry and Shawna walk the real life
journey with you. The content from the Perry and Shawna
podcast comes from their live show fairy inshallah. Mornings on
89.3 Moody Radio, Grand Rapids, Michigan. Reach out to us
by texting 809 68 8930 and please subscribe.
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