June 30, 2025 • 17 mins
Feeling stuck waiting for confidence to show up before you take action? You’re not alone. But what if the belief you’re waiting for only comes after you act?
In this episode of Personal Mastery, Harvard-trained behavior expert Jerry Henderson reveals the only research-backed way to truly develop self-belief — and it's not what most people think. Drawing on self-efficacy theory, self-perception theory, and powerful identity-based change models, Jerry breaks down what it actually takes to believe in yourself, even if you’ve spent years struggling with self-doubt.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- Why waiting for confidence is a trap — and what to do instead
- The Self-Belief Loop and how action rewires your identity
- What self-perception theory teaches us about real change
- How to use the “As-If Theory” to behave your way into belief
- The identity journaling practice that rewires your inner story
- A science-backed method to overcome hesitation: the 5-Second Rule
- Why you’re not faking it — you’re training the real you to emerge
Try This Today:
Ask yourself,
"What would someone who believes in themselves do right now?"
Then do that — even in the smallest way.
I am grateful you are here,
Jerry
Setup Your FREE Strategy Call:
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Website:
www.jerryhenderson.org
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Returning: Meditations and Reflections on Self-Love and Healing
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Linkedin: www.linkedin.com/in/jerryahenderson
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jerry Henderson (00:00):
Hello everybody and welcome to Personal Mastery
.
I'm your host, jerry Henderson,and if you're ready to create a
life that feels as good on theinside as it looks on the
outside, you're in the rightplace.
Let's get started.
Today, in this episode, I'mgoing to be sharing with you
what the research shows us isthe only proven way that we
(00:21):
actually start developing whatis known as self-belief, or the
ability to believe in ourselves.
And if you're new here, I'mJerry Henderson.
I'm trained in the psychologyof human behavior at Harvard
University and every week Ishare research-based information
to help you build a life thatyou love.
So what does the researchactually show us?
What do theories likeself-efficacy theory, behavioral
(00:41):
activation theory oridentity-based habits what do
all of those things show us?
What do they tell us that themost important thing that we can
do to develop self-belief, theonly proven thing that we can do
to develop self-belief, is totake action and start getting
engaged in what I call theself-belief loop.
And what is the self-beliefloop?
Very simple we take action.
(01:02):
That action begins to developour beliefs.
Those beliefs then form ouridentity.
Now you might be thinking toyourself well, the whole problem
is I can't take action becauseI don't believe in myself.
Well, let me address that realquick before we go any further,
so we get that block out of ourbrains.
The research is very clear onthis that we don't have to wait
to believe in ourselves to takeaction.
(01:24):
It actually works the other waythe action is the thing that
causes us to believe inourselves.
It's just like motivation.
If we sit around and wait formotivation to show up before we
take action, we're going to takea lot less action in our lives.
And believing in yourself isthe exact same way.
Many people want to feelconfident before they do
(01:45):
something, and they have thisstory that I have to have
confidence before I actually dothat thing.
But it's not the way that itworks.
You build the confidence fromdoing the thing, and the more
that you do the thing, the moreconfidence that you're going to
build and the more confidencethat you build in yourself.
That becomes your identity.
That becomes your belief systemabout who you are.
(02:07):
And this whole self-belief loopis based in what is known as a
psychological principle calledself-perception theory.
That was introduced in the1970s by a psychologist, and the
short version of it is that youcome to believe in yourself by
observing your own behavior, notjust your thoughts, not just
your affirmations, not just yourjournal entries, but how you
(02:29):
actually behave.
You see, our brains are lookingfor evidence about what we
believe about ourselves.
So what we have to do is,instead of waiting to feel
confident, to do the thing.
As I said, we got to do thething and as you do the thing,
your brain updates the beliefthat you have about who you are.
Your actions start to developthese beliefs about who you
(02:52):
believe that you are, and thenthat begins to develop your
identity and then that leads toyou being able to believe in
yourself.
So if you're thinking that Ihave to be able to believe in
myself to take that action andthat feels like a block to you
right now, can I just encourageyou to try to start letting go
of that story.
I had that story for over 40years.
(03:12):
I believed that.
You know, for over 40 years Ifelt like the stupidest guy in
the room, didn't believe inmyself.
It led to panic attacks,depression, all kinds of
challenges in my life because Ididn't believe in myself.
I didn't have anyself-confidence, even though
externally I looked reallysuccessful.
Internally I did not feel thatway about myself and, as a
(03:34):
result, I always struggled to beconfident.
I always felt like the lesserof everybody in the room and for
me, that's rooted in a lot ofchildhood trauma and early
childhood experiences thatdeveloped this belief that I had
about myself.
That then led me into certainpatterns that reinforced that
identity in my life and, can Itell you, one of the most
(03:54):
transformational things thatever happened to me was
understanding that my identitywas based off of my beliefs and
that my beliefs were based offof the actions that I took.
Because my brain, and yourbrain, is looking for the
evidence about what we believeabout ourselves and the only
thing it really has to work offof is what we see the repeated
(04:17):
patterns of behavior.
And while, yes, things likepositive thinking, visualization
affirmations, journaling allthose things can help us, but
they can never replace action,because otherwise it's just a
story and guess what?
Guess what all those things aretrying to do.
Visualization affirmations whatare they actually trying to get
(04:37):
us to do?
They're actually trying to moveus towards taking an action.
Right that, if I can visualizemyself being successful, what's
going to actually have to happen?
You're going to have to takeaction to be successful.
I mean think about individuals,that everybody talks about how
they manifest things in theirlife, whether it's a really
successful business person, anathlete, an actor, a musician or
(04:58):
whatever it is.
And they talk about how theyuse visualization before the
game, before the event orwhatever it is, to get
themselves in a state where theyhave that self-belief.
That's extremely important.
But you know what?
None of that matters unlessthey get out on the field and
start to play the game.
None of that matters if they'renot practicing before the game.
(05:21):
You see, the practicing on thefield actually shows their brain
that they believe that theyhave the skill to win in the
game.
Practicing is developing theskills, the belief, the identity
that I'm a person who can showup on that field, show up in
that concert, show up in thatbusiness meeting and actually
perform.
Why?
Because I have evidence, andthat evidence came not just
(05:44):
through visualizing, talkingabout it, but through actually
doing it.
And once again, yes,visualization, affirmations,
journaling, getting ourselves ina positive state can help
prepare us to take action and bemore effective at the action
that we take.
But at the end of the day, ifyou never take action, you're
never going to develop a beliefin your ability to do that
(06:07):
action and to do it well, andtherefore you're never going to
develop the identity of a personwho believes in themselves.
Now, if you've been strugglingfor a long time to develop
self-confidence and the abilityto believe in yourself and you'd
like some help on that journey,I want to encourage you to
check out my one-on-one coachingprogram called Personal Mastery
.
If you'd like more informationabout the program, you can
(06:28):
simply see the show notes inthis episode.
In there, you'll find a link tomy website.
You'll also find a link thereto set up a free strategy call
so that we can connect and seeif working together is the right
fit.
So, if you're ready to startcreating a life that you truly
love, set up that free strategycall.
I'm looking forward to meetingyou, getting to know more about
the goals that you have and,most importantly, learning more
about you.
(06:53):
How do we start moving towardstaking action even when we don't
believe in ourselves?
Well, number one, I want to letyou know that it's going to be
uncomfortable.
Okay, let's just get that outof the way.
You're going to feel in yournervous system, in your belief
system, resistance to doing it,and you're retraining yourself.
That's all it is.
All change is about making whatfeels uncomfortable comfortable
and that which feelscomfortable uncomfortable.
(07:14):
And so it's going to feeluncomfortable for you in the
beginning to start taking theaction towards the things that
you've not yet developedself-belief in.
And what you're going to haveto do to develop this
self-belief loop is to do what Icall the as-if theory.
You got to start acting as ifyou were the person that you
want to become.
You're going to have to act asthe person who believes in
(07:36):
themselves and this isn't justwishful thinking.
This is actually backed by thescience that if you'll start to
act as the person who believesin themselves, your brain is
going to start seeing that it'sgoing to start updating itself,
and then you're going to startto develop the ability to
believe in yourself based off ofyour actions.
So how do you activate theas-if theory?
(07:56):
Very simple Every day.
Ask yourself the question whatwould a person who believes in
themselves do right now, in thismoment?
And then do that, do that thing, even in the smallest and tiny
ways.
If you really struggle to speakup in meetings and have your
voice be heard, ask yourself thequestion what would the person
(08:20):
who believes in themselves, doright now, and then do that,
even if you're only doing it inthe very most micro way.
Okay, the person who speaks upin meetings at one point had to
speak up in meetings.
They had to get over thatbarrier.
Can I tell you something?
It's very common for people tohave anxiety around speaking up
(08:41):
in meetings.
I had that anxiety for over adecade.
It was torture for me.
I got panic attacks.
My heart would feel like it'sgoing to jump out of my throat
just simply by even thinkingabout the thought of saying
something in a meeting, and Ihad to work to overcome that.
And the way that I worked toovercome it was speaking up even
(09:03):
when I was uncomfortable,powering through it, teaching my
brain that I am the type ofperson who speaks up in meetings
.
I do believe in what I have tosay and I believe that my voice
is important.
I had to train myself that way,I had to talk to myself that
way and then, ultimately, I hadto speak up in the meetings.
I know it can be hard, but canI encourage you?
(09:25):
On the other side of yourgreatest struggles is the
version of you that you desireto live out, the version of you
that's worthy, that's justwaiting to be released, and you
have to give that version ofyourself the permission to
emerge.
And the way that that versionof us emerges is through action,
doing the little things thatstart to build the confidence
(09:47):
that shows yourself that youbelieve that you are that person
.
And here's the secret the trickbehind identity-based action is
that you don't have to haveconfidence to take the action.
We need to get that thought outof our mind.
I've addressed it a little bit,but I want to come back to it.
You've got to get that thoughtout of your mind.
That action follows confidence,that doing something follows
(10:09):
you believing in yourself, thatyou've got to get in here and
somehow conjure up self-beliefin order for you to be able to
live the life that you want.
It doesn't work that way.
I want to say it again.
It doesn't work that way.
You take action and that actionstarts to develop the belief
that you can do it and if you dothat enough, that then becomes
(10:29):
your identity and you'reoperating in once again what I
call the self-belief loop.
That action leads to belief,the belief leads to identity.
From that identity we take moreaction and that whole loop just
gets more and more reinforcedabout how we see ourselves.
Now, does it cure everything?
No, are we still going tostruggle?
(10:50):
Yes, anytime you're movingtowards something new, you're
going to struggle at it, andthat's okay.
What we have to do is stopfocusing in on this feeling that
we don't believe in ourselvesand then just start taking
action and let the feeling startto align with the action that
we're taking.
Now, a couple of other thingsthat you can do to start taking
(11:11):
action, even when you don't feellike it, even when you don't
believe in yourself, is to stopbargaining with yourself and
talking yourself out of things.
And one of the things that canhelp with this is the
five-second rule.
Mel Robbins talks a lot aboutthis in her work and what you do
, instead of bargaining withyourself and getting into freeze
mode or talking yourself out ofsomething, you shut down that
part of your brain by doing acountdown of five, four, three,
(11:35):
two, one, go.
And what this model does is itbreaks the pattern of bargaining
with ourselves, talkingourselves out of things, getting
that message of why we don'tbelieve in ourselves and how
come we can't do the thing orwhatever, and doing that
countdown shuts all that off andthen we just move.
Now the next thing that can helpis to keep an identity journal,
and what you're going to do isyou're going to write one
(11:56):
sentence Very simple exercise.
And you're going to write thesentence that today I acted like
somebody who believed inthemselves by.
Fill in the blank as manythings that you can think of in
that day where you acted likesomebody who believed in
themselves.
Write that down, make a note ofit and then celebrate it.
Because here's what happens weput so much attention on our
(12:19):
failures, on the things that wedon't do, and we give it all of
our energy, ruminating aboutwell, I should have done that
and I didn't do this, and what'swrong with me.
And as you give it all thatattention and energy, guess
what's happening to it?
It's growing, you're feeding itand it's becoming more and more
of your identity.
And no wonder we don't believein ourselves when we're paying
attention to all of that.
(12:40):
And what this identityjournaling is going to do for
you is going to bring to thesurface all of the things that
you did that day where youshowed up.
And then you're going tocelebrate it and you're going to
look at it, and when you'redoing that, you're giving energy
to it, you're feeding it, yourattention is there, it's growing
, and then, all of a sudden,what you begin to see is a new
(13:02):
identity emerging.
You're paying attention to theversion of yourself that you
want to become.
You're showing your brain thatyou're doing it by seeing it
written down, going over itagain, and you're pulling energy
away from all of the oldidentity and focusing it into
the new identity of a person whobelieves in themselves, who's
(13:23):
actually showing themselves thatthey believe in themselves by
the actions that they took thatday.
Now, one of the questions thatoften comes up for people, or
comes up for me when I'm workingwith people in this space, is
the question why am I justfaking it?
When I do this?
Right, when I'm saying I'mgoing to act like this person,
I'm going to ask myself whatthey would do, and then do it,
even if I don't feel like it,and I'm going to journal it.
(13:45):
And isn't this all just fake ifI don't actually feel it inside
?
And my response is absolutelynot.
We're not faking it, we'rereprogramming.
Okay, look at it differently,don't let that old story that's
trying to keep you trapped.
And well, I'm just faking it,and so I really don't believe in
myself.
I still don't feel it.
You're going to feel it, it'sgoing to come over time, but
(14:07):
most people don't give it enoughtime.
They don't work the process ofreprogramming, because here's
the truth.
Reprogramming Because here's thetruth.
You're practicing the personwho you truly are, the real you.
Sometimes we just don't have alot of practice of being able to
be the real us.
We've been living somebodyelse's story, we've been trying
(14:27):
to heal from trauma or pain,we've been trying to keep up
with everybody else, and wedon't have a lot of practice
sometimes in being the true,authentic us.
So you're not pretending,you're not faking, you're
practicing, you're training,you're developing, you're
growing.
So let go of that story thatyou're just faking it because
you don't feel it.
(14:48):
Okay, feelings are fickle, theycome, they go, and when we
learn that building a life thatwe love isn't about whether or
not we feel like we believe inourselves, but actually showing
that we do believe in ourselvesby the action that we take, and
then that's going to unlock awhole new world for you.
So let me ask you a questionreally quick, based off of
(15:09):
everything that we've discussed.
What is one area in your lifethat you've been delaying and
putting off and you've beentelling yourself I'll do it when
I'm ready, when I feel like Ihave the confidence, or that I
believe in myself.
What's that one area?
Is it a career transition?
Is it a relationship?
Is it starting a business,starting a YouTube channel,
starting a podcast?
(15:30):
What is it?
And then ask yourself thisquestion what would I do if I
did believe in myself, if I didbelieve that I was ready?
What's an action that I wouldtake?
And then, from there, askyourself this question what's
one small step that I could taketowards that action or those
actions that I just identified?
(15:50):
It doesn't have to be somethinggrand, it can be something very
small.
For example, if you want tostart a podcast, what did the
person who started a podcast do,the person who believed in
themselves?
What did they do?
Well, they probably recorded apodcast episode.
Well, what did they have to doin order to record a podcast
episode?
They probably had to get someequipment, or they probably had
to come up with a topic and thenthey had to record it.
(16:11):
And so, if you can identifysome of those very small
behaviors that go towards thatbigger thing that you want to do
and start moving towards it,your brain is going to start
picking up the signal that youbelieve in yourself.
It'll probably be really subtlein the beginning because,
remember, self-belief is not afeeling.
(16:32):
It's a byproduct of ourbehavior.
We don't simply talk ourselvesinto the person that we want to
be.
We have to walk ourselves intothe person that we want to be,
and we do that by taking actionthat then changes our beliefs
and those beliefs become thatidentity, and from that identity
we take more action that'saligned with who we want to
(16:53):
become.
And that loop just keeps ongoing.
We get the flywheel started ofself-belief and, before you know
it, you're going to be walking,talking and acting like a
person who truly andauthentically believes in
themselves.
And I want to remind you thatyou are worthy of a life that
feels as good on the inside asit looks on the outside.
Hello everybody and welcome to Personal Mastery
.
I'm your host, jerry Henderson,and if you're ready to create a
life that feels as good on theinside as it looks on the
outside, you're in the rightplace.
Let's get started.
Today, in this episode, I'mgoing to be sharing with you
what the research shows us isthe only proven way that we
(00:21):
actually start developing whatis known as self-belief, or the
ability to believe in ourselves.
And if you're new here, I'mJerry Henderson.
I'm trained in the psychologyof human behavior at Harvard
University and every week Ishare research-based information
to help you build a life thatyou love.
So what does the researchactually show us?
What do theories likeself-efficacy theory, behavioral
(00:41):
activation theory oridentity-based habits what do
all of those things show us?
What do they tell us that themost important thing that we can
do to develop self-belief, theonly proven thing that we can do
to develop self-belief, is totake action and start getting
engaged in what I call theself-belief loop.
And what is the self-beliefloop?
Very simple we take action.
(01:02):
That action begins to developour beliefs.
Those beliefs then form ouridentity.
Now you might be thinking toyourself well, the whole problem
is I can't take action becauseI don't believe in myself.
Well, let me address that realquick before we go any further,
so we get that block out of ourbrains.
The research is very clear onthis that we don't have to wait
to believe in ourselves to takeaction.
(01:24):
It actually works the other waythe action is the thing that
causes us to believe inourselves.
It's just like motivation.
If we sit around and wait formotivation to show up before we
take action, we're going to takea lot less action in our lives.
And believing in yourself isthe exact same way.
Many people want to feelconfident before they do
(01:45):
something, and they have thisstory that I have to have
confidence before I actually dothat thing.
But it's not the way that itworks.
You build the confidence fromdoing the thing, and the more
that you do the thing, the moreconfidence that you're going to
build and the more confidencethat you build in yourself.
That becomes your identity.
That becomes your belief systemabout who you are.
(02:07):
And this whole self-belief loopis based in what is known as a
psychological principle calledself-perception theory.
That was introduced in the1970s by a psychologist, and the
short version of it is that youcome to believe in yourself by
observing your own behavior, notjust your thoughts, not just
your affirmations, not just yourjournal entries, but how you
(02:29):
actually behave.
You see, our brains are lookingfor evidence about what we
believe about ourselves.
So what we have to do is,instead of waiting to feel
confident, to do the thing.
As I said, we got to do thething and as you do the thing,
your brain updates the beliefthat you have about who you are.
Your actions start to developthese beliefs about who you
(02:52):
believe that you are, and thenthat begins to develop your
identity and then that leads toyou being able to believe in
yourself.
So if you're thinking that Ihave to be able to believe in
myself to take that action andthat feels like a block to you
right now, can I just encourageyou to try to start letting go
of that story.
I had that story for over 40years.
(03:12):
I believed that.
You know, for over 40 years Ifelt like the stupidest guy in
the room, didn't believe inmyself.
It led to panic attacks,depression, all kinds of
challenges in my life because Ididn't believe in myself.
I didn't have anyself-confidence, even though
externally I looked reallysuccessful.
Internally I did not feel thatway about myself and, as a
(03:34):
result, I always struggled to beconfident.
I always felt like the lesserof everybody in the room and for
me, that's rooted in a lot ofchildhood trauma and early
childhood experiences thatdeveloped this belief that I had
about myself.
That then led me into certainpatterns that reinforced that
identity in my life and, can Itell you, one of the most
(03:54):
transformational things thatever happened to me was
understanding that my identitywas based off of my beliefs and
that my beliefs were based offof the actions that I took.
Because my brain, and yourbrain, is looking for the
evidence about what we believeabout ourselves and the only
thing it really has to work offof is what we see the repeated
(04:17):
patterns of behavior.
And while, yes, things likepositive thinking, visualization
affirmations, journaling allthose things can help us, but
they can never replace action,because otherwise it's just a
story and guess what?
Guess what all those things aretrying to do.
Visualization affirmations whatare they actually trying to get
(04:37):
us to do?
They're actually trying to moveus towards taking an action.
Right that, if I can visualizemyself being successful, what's
going to actually have to happen?
You're going to have to takeaction to be successful.
I mean think about individuals,that everybody talks about how
they manifest things in theirlife, whether it's a really
successful business person, anathlete, an actor, a musician or
(04:58):
whatever it is.
And they talk about how theyuse visualization before the
game, before the event orwhatever it is, to get
themselves in a state where theyhave that self-belief.
That's extremely important.
But you know what?
None of that matters unlessthey get out on the field and
start to play the game.
None of that matters if they'renot practicing before the game.
(05:21):
You see, the practicing on thefield actually shows their brain
that they believe that theyhave the skill to win in the
game.
Practicing is developing theskills, the belief, the identity
that I'm a person who can showup on that field, show up in
that concert, show up in thatbusiness meeting and actually
perform.
Why?
Because I have evidence, andthat evidence came not just
(05:44):
through visualizing, talkingabout it, but through actually
doing it.
And once again, yes,visualization, affirmations,
journaling, getting ourselves ina positive state can help
prepare us to take action and bemore effective at the action
that we take.
But at the end of the day, ifyou never take action, you're
never going to develop a beliefin your ability to do that
(06:07):
action and to do it well, andtherefore you're never going to
develop the identity of a personwho believes in themselves.
Now, if you've been strugglingfor a long time to develop
self-confidence and the abilityto believe in yourself and you'd
like some help on that journey,I want to encourage you to
check out my one-on-one coachingprogram called Personal Mastery
.
If you'd like more informationabout the program, you can
(06:28):
simply see the show notes inthis episode.
In there, you'll find a link tomy website.
You'll also find a link thereto set up a free strategy call
so that we can connect and seeif working together is the right
fit.
So, if you're ready to startcreating a life that you truly
love, set up that free strategycall.
I'm looking forward to meetingyou, getting to know more about
the goals that you have and,most importantly, learning more
about you.
(06:53):
How do we start moving towardstaking action even when we don't
believe in ourselves?
Well, number one, I want to letyou know that it's going to be
uncomfortable.
Okay, let's just get that outof the way.
You're going to feel in yournervous system, in your belief
system, resistance to doing it,and you're retraining yourself.
That's all it is.
All change is about making whatfeels uncomfortable comfortable
and that which feelscomfortable uncomfortable.
(07:14):
And so it's going to feeluncomfortable for you in the
beginning to start taking theaction towards the things that
you've not yet developedself-belief in.
And what you're going to haveto do to develop this
self-belief loop is to do what Icall the as-if theory.
You got to start acting as ifyou were the person that you
want to become.
You're going to have to act asthe person who believes in
(07:36):
themselves and this isn't justwishful thinking.
This is actually backed by thescience that if you'll start to
act as the person who believesin themselves, your brain is
going to start seeing that it'sgoing to start updating itself,
and then you're going to startto develop the ability to
believe in yourself based off ofyour actions.
So how do you activate theas-if theory?
(07:56):
Very simple Every day.
Ask yourself the question whatwould a person who believes in
themselves do right now, in thismoment?
And then do that, do that thing, even in the smallest and tiny
ways.
If you really struggle to speakup in meetings and have your
voice be heard, ask yourself thequestion what would the person
(08:20):
who believes in themselves, doright now, and then do that,
even if you're only doing it inthe very most micro way.
Okay, the person who speaks upin meetings at one point had to
speak up in meetings.
They had to get over thatbarrier.
Can I tell you something?
It's very common for people tohave anxiety around speaking up
(08:41):
in meetings.
I had that anxiety for over adecade.
It was torture for me.
I got panic attacks.
My heart would feel like it'sgoing to jump out of my throat
just simply by even thinkingabout the thought of saying
something in a meeting, and Ihad to work to overcome that.
And the way that I worked toovercome it was speaking up even
(09:03):
when I was uncomfortable,powering through it, teaching my
brain that I am the type ofperson who speaks up in meetings
.
I do believe in what I have tosay and I believe that my voice
is important.
I had to train myself that way,I had to talk to myself that
way and then, ultimately, I hadto speak up in the meetings.
I know it can be hard, but canI encourage you?
(09:25):
On the other side of yourgreatest struggles is the
version of you that you desireto live out, the version of you
that's worthy, that's justwaiting to be released, and you
have to give that version ofyourself the permission to
emerge.
And the way that that versionof us emerges is through action,
doing the little things thatstart to build the confidence
(09:47):
that shows yourself that youbelieve that you are that person
.
And here's the secret the trickbehind identity-based action is
that you don't have to haveconfidence to take the action.
We need to get that thought outof our mind.
I've addressed it a little bit,but I want to come back to it.
You've got to get that thoughtout of your mind.
That action follows confidence,that doing something follows
(10:09):
you believing in yourself, thatyou've got to get in here and
somehow conjure up self-beliefin order for you to be able to
live the life that you want.
It doesn't work that way.
I want to say it again.
It doesn't work that way.
You take action and that actionstarts to develop the belief
that you can do it and if you dothat enough, that then becomes
(10:29):
your identity and you'reoperating in once again what I
call the self-belief loop.
That action leads to belief,the belief leads to identity.
From that identity we take moreaction and that whole loop just
gets more and more reinforcedabout how we see ourselves.
Now, does it cure everything?
No, are we still going tostruggle?
(10:50):
Yes, anytime you're movingtowards something new, you're
going to struggle at it, andthat's okay.
What we have to do is stopfocusing in on this feeling that
we don't believe in ourselvesand then just start taking
action and let the feeling startto align with the action that
we're taking.
Now, a couple of other thingsthat you can do to start taking
(11:11):
action, even when you don't feellike it, even when you don't
believe in yourself, is to stopbargaining with yourself and
talking yourself out of things.
And one of the things that canhelp with this is the
five-second rule.
Mel Robbins talks a lot aboutthis in her work and what you do
, instead of bargaining withyourself and getting into freeze
mode or talking yourself out ofsomething, you shut down that
part of your brain by doing acountdown of five, four, three,
(11:35):
two, one, go.
And what this model does is itbreaks the pattern of bargaining
with ourselves, talkingourselves out of things, getting
that message of why we don'tbelieve in ourselves and how
come we can't do the thing orwhatever, and doing that
countdown shuts all that off andthen we just move.
Now the next thing that can helpis to keep an identity journal,
and what you're going to do isyou're going to write one
(11:56):
sentence Very simple exercise.
And you're going to write thesentence that today I acted like
somebody who believed inthemselves by.
Fill in the blank as manythings that you can think of in
that day where you acted likesomebody who believed in
themselves.
Write that down, make a note ofit and then celebrate it.
Because here's what happens weput so much attention on our
(12:19):
failures, on the things that wedon't do, and we give it all of
our energy, ruminating aboutwell, I should have done that
and I didn't do this, and what'swrong with me.
And as you give it all thatattention and energy, guess
what's happening to it?
It's growing, you're feeding itand it's becoming more and more
of your identity.
And no wonder we don't believein ourselves when we're paying
attention to all of that.
(12:40):
And what this identityjournaling is going to do for
you is going to bring to thesurface all of the things that
you did that day where youshowed up.
And then you're going tocelebrate it and you're going to
look at it, and when you'redoing that, you're giving energy
to it, you're feeding it, yourattention is there, it's growing
, and then, all of a sudden,what you begin to see is a new
(13:02):
identity emerging.
You're paying attention to theversion of yourself that you
want to become.
You're showing your brain thatyou're doing it by seeing it
written down, going over itagain, and you're pulling energy
away from all of the oldidentity and focusing it into
the new identity of a person whobelieves in themselves, who's
(13:23):
actually showing themselves thatthey believe in themselves by
the actions that they took thatday.
Now, one of the questions thatoften comes up for people, or
comes up for me when I'm workingwith people in this space, is
the question why am I justfaking it?
When I do this?
Right, when I'm saying I'mgoing to act like this person,
I'm going to ask myself whatthey would do, and then do it,
even if I don't feel like it,and I'm going to journal it.
(13:45):
And isn't this all just fake ifI don't actually feel it inside
?
And my response is absolutelynot.
We're not faking it, we'rereprogramming.
Okay, look at it differently,don't let that old story that's
trying to keep you trapped.
And well, I'm just faking it,and so I really don't believe in
myself.
I still don't feel it.
You're going to feel it, it'sgoing to come over time, but
(14:07):
most people don't give it enoughtime.
They don't work the process ofreprogramming, because here's
the truth.
Reprogramming Because here's thetruth.
You're practicing the personwho you truly are, the real you.
Sometimes we just don't have alot of practice of being able to
be the real us.
We've been living somebodyelse's story, we've been trying
(14:27):
to heal from trauma or pain,we've been trying to keep up
with everybody else, and wedon't have a lot of practice
sometimes in being the true,authentic us.
So you're not pretending,you're not faking, you're
practicing, you're training,you're developing, you're
growing.
So let go of that story thatyou're just faking it because
you don't feel it.
(14:48):
Okay, feelings are fickle, theycome, they go, and when we
learn that building a life thatwe love isn't about whether or
not we feel like we believe inourselves, but actually showing
that we do believe in ourselvesby the action that we take, and
then that's going to unlock awhole new world for you.
So let me ask you a questionreally quick, based off of
(15:09):
everything that we've discussed.
What is one area in your lifethat you've been delaying and
putting off and you've beentelling yourself I'll do it when
I'm ready, when I feel like Ihave the confidence, or that I
believe in myself.
What's that one area?
Is it a career transition?
Is it a relationship?
Is it starting a business,starting a YouTube channel,
starting a podcast?
(15:30):
What is it?
And then ask yourself thisquestion what would I do if I
did believe in myself, if I didbelieve that I was ready?
What's an action that I wouldtake?
And then, from there, askyourself this question what's
one small step that I could taketowards that action or those
actions that I just identified?
(15:50):
It doesn't have to be somethinggrand, it can be something very
small.
For example, if you want tostart a podcast, what did the
person who started a podcast do,the person who believed in
themselves?
What did they do?
Well, they probably recorded apodcast episode.
Well, what did they have to doin order to record a podcast
episode?
They probably had to get someequipment, or they probably had
to come up with a topic and thenthey had to record it.
(16:11):
And so, if you can identifysome of those very small
behaviors that go towards thatbigger thing that you want to do
and start moving towards it,your brain is going to start
picking up the signal that youbelieve in yourself.
It'll probably be really subtlein the beginning because,
remember, self-belief is not afeeling.
(16:32):
It's a byproduct of ourbehavior.
We don't simply talk ourselvesinto the person that we want to
be.
We have to walk ourselves intothe person that we want to be,
and we do that by taking actionthat then changes our beliefs
and those beliefs become thatidentity, and from that identity
we take more action that'saligned with who we want to
(16:53):
become.
And that loop just keeps ongoing.
We get the flywheel started ofself-belief and, before you know
it, you're going to be walking,talking and acting like a
person who truly andauthentically believes in
themselves.
And I want to remind you thatyou are worthy of a life that
feels as good on the inside asit looks on the outside.
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