June 2, 2025 • 24 mins
Most people never feel truly happy—despite success, comfort, or achievement. Why? Because they’re chasing the wrong thing.
In this episode of Personal Mastery, Harvard-trained coach and researcher, Jerry Henderson shares the real reason happiness feels elusive—and what to do instead.
You’ll learn why happiness isn’t something you find, but something you create—as a byproduct of a deeply fulfilling life.
With powerful neuroscience insights, practical steps, and a research-backed framework, Jerry helps you break free from the dopamine trap and start building a life that feels meaningful, aligned, and emotionally rich.
If you’ve ever felt like “there has to be more,” this is the episode that shows you what “more” actually is—and how to create it.
👉 Plus: Stick around until the end for a simple neuroscience-based exercise to shift your emotional state in just a few minutes.
Links Mentioned:
- Book a Free Strategy Call with Jerry
- Learn more about the Personal Mastery Framework at jerryhenderson.org
00:00 – Why Most People Are Unhappy
02:21 – Stop Chasing Happiness
03:44 – The Science of Happiness vs. Dopamine
08:29 – The Hedonic Treadmill Trap
09:12 – Fulfillment Is the Real Goal
10:23 – Happiness Is a Byproduct
11:45 – What Makes Life Truly Fulfilling
14:22 – The Personal Mastery Framework
15:39 – Step 1: Pay Attention to What is Fulfilling
17:16 – Step 2: Identify the Meaning of What Fulfills You
18:03 – Step 3: Savor the Moments That Fulfill You
18:53 – Step 4: Prioritize Relationships That Fulfill You
20:07 – Step 5: Build Your Life Around Fulfillment
22:32 – Bonus: Shift Your Mood in Minutes
I am grateful you are here,
Jerry
Setup Your FREE Strategy Call:
Schedule Call
Website:
www.jerryhenderson.org
How is your relationship with yourself going?
Get your free-self assessment guide
Pick up your copy of my book:
Returning: Meditations and Reflections on Self-Love and Healing
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Instagram: @jerryahenderson
Linkedin: www.linkedin.com/in/jerryahenderson
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jerry Henderson (00:00):
Today, in this episode, I'm gonna share exactly
how to start creating a happierlife not by chasing it, not by
trying to find it, but bycreating it with the one thing
that research actually shows usleads to sustainable happiness.
And what is that one thing?
It's creating a life offulfillment.
(00:20):
Hello everybody, and welcome toPersonal Mastery.
I'm your host, jerry Henderson,and if you're ready to create a
life that feels as good on theinside as it looks on the
outside, you're in the rightplace.
Let's get started.
Now.
Here's the truth about happinessand here's what the research
tells us about.
It is that happiness is notsomething that you find.
(00:41):
It's actually a byproduct ofbuilding a life that feels
meaningful, aligned and real.
Now let's be honest aboutsomething we all want happier
lives.
Right, we want to feel happier,but for so many of us, it feels
elusive, just outside of ourreach, and, according to recent
research done by Gallup, their2023 Global Emotions Report,
(01:03):
only 23% of people worldwide saythat they feel happy and that
they're thriving.
So that means that 77% ofpeople do not feel happy.
They do not feel like they'rethriving, despite the world that
we're living in, where we havemore options, more comfort and
more convenience than everbefore.
(01:25):
We have things at ourfingertips all the time that are
promising us a happier life.
Yet, despite all of that, still77% of people would not report
themselves as feeling likethey're happy and that they're
thriving.
So why is that?
Why are most people not happy,even with all the options that
we have, and even knowing theresearch that these things
(01:48):
aren't going to lead us tohappiness?
Why do we still feel unhappy?
I believe the truth is thatmost people aren't taught how to
be happy.
We're told that we're not happy.
We're told that all thesethings aren't going to lead to
our happiness, but very fewpeople are telling us how to
actually create happiness, and Ipromise you that if you'll
(02:08):
practice the things that I'mgoing to share with you
evidence-based facts about whatactually leads to a happier life
you will begin to create a lifethat feels more genuinely
happier.
So where do we start?
Well, the first place that westart is actually by stopping
something.
We stop trying to findhappiness, we stop chasing it,
(02:31):
because when we're chasinghappiness, it's literally like
trying to hold on to water inour hands.
The more we try to grasp at it,it just simply slips through
our fingers, and when we'rechasing happiness, it does a
couple of things to us.
Number one it disempowers us.
Why?
Because it always makes us feellike happiness is outside of us
(02:54):
, that it's not something thatwe can create.
It's something that we have tochase, and when we're chasing
something and we don't feel likewe have any ability to create
it, we wind up feelingdisempowered.
Now, the second thing thathappens when we're chasing
happiness is it distracts us.
It distracts us from thepresent moment because we
(03:14):
believe that we're going to findit someday, but the reality
about happiness is it's onlyexperienced in the present
moment.
Think about it Anytime thatyou've experienced happiness, it
happened in the present moment.
Think about it Anytime thatyou've experienced happiness, it
happened in the present moment.
And one of the traps of tryingto find happiness is it
distracts us from everythingaround us that could potentially
(03:36):
bring us happiness.
So if we can't find happinessand we can't chase it down,
where does happiness actuallycome from?
There's a great article that waspublished in 2008 in the
Journal of Positive Psychology,and it explains the difference
between chasing happiness andcreating overall well-being.
And one of the key things fromthe research in this article and
(03:58):
all of the research onhappiness shows us this that
happiness is a byproduct.
It's not something that wechase.
It is elusive when we chase itand we have to understand what
actually creates it.
So where does happiness comefrom?
Well, happiness, as I sharedearlier, is a byproduct.
It is not something that can bechased or found.
(04:20):
It is a byproduct that iscreated from the meaning that we
assign to things in our life,to the experiences that we have.
We believe that, if thishappens, that happiness will
then follow that experience orthat event happening, and the
reason we believe that isbecause of the meaning that
(04:43):
we've assigned to that thing orto that experience.
So, for example, for some peoplegoing and buying a really nice
Berka handbag, they've got a lotof meaning that they've
assigned to that bag.
What it means to themstatus-wise, what it means to
them in terms of their success,that it represents for them, or
(05:04):
whatever the meaning is thatthey've assigned to that
purchase or that thing isactually what is going to give
them the sense of happiness, thefleeting sense of happiness and
I'll talk about that here in aminute of when they buy that bag
.
Now, for me, if I were to gobuy that bag, I'd get no
happiness out of it, right?
(05:25):
Because I have no meaningattached to that bag.
Buying that bag means nothingto me, so therefore I get no
happiness or no dopamine hitfrom actually purchasing the bag
.
Now, there's other things in mylife that I've assigned meaning
to, and when I do those thingsor when I allow myself to
experience those things, itbrings a sense of happiness.
(05:49):
I get certain chemical releasesas a result of that, and
everybody has their own thingsthat they think are going to
make them happy because of themeaning that they've given those
things.
And listen, we live in a culturethat is bombarding us
constantly with the things thatare supposed to make us happy.
We see it all of the time andhere's the reality.
(06:12):
Right, these aren't things thatare actually going to make us
happier.
They're things that are goingto fatten the wallets of other
people, and we've bought intothe fact, the illusion that
those things represent a happierlife.
All the research tells us it isnot the truth.
Those things are not going toproduce lasting happiness.
(06:32):
What they're going to producefor us are dopamine hits, and
dopamine hits are not the sameas lasting happiness, and this
is one of the big mistakes thatpeople make in their pursuit of
happiness or their pursuit ofwell-being.
They've made this associationof dopamine hits, anxiety
equaling happiness.
(06:53):
And here's what happens we geton the dopamine treadmill.
We buy something and we getsomething that we thought was
going to make us happy.
As a result, we get a dopaminehit, we get some endorphins
released in our systems, maybewe get a little bit of oxytocin
as a result of it and we feelgood temporarily.
Then that feeling starts towear off because they're
chemicals and our body can'tjust keep releasing those
(07:15):
chemicals nonstop in our system.
So that hit starts to wear offand then we think we need more
of that thing in order to feelhealthy.
We've made this associationthat thing equals happiness, but
actually that thing equalschemicals.
Those chemicals wear off.
We think we need the next thing.
So we repeat the cycle.
(07:36):
But the challenge is over timewe get diminishing returns from
those things and our brainsadjust, leading to what is known
as the hedonic treadmill, wherewe have to do more and more,
stay on that treadmill to getthose same hits and to try to
continue to get that feeling.
So we're chasing it all of thetime.
What happens is we feel less,but we crave more, we don't feel
(07:56):
fulfilled, we don't feel happy,so we're chasing it all of the
time.
What happens is we feel lessbut we crave more.
We don't feel fulfilled, wedon't feel happy because we're
confusing dopamine withhappiness.
But here's the thing thedopamine hit that we get is not
actually happiness.
Dopamine is not a happiness drug.
It is a reward drug that, yes,makes us feel something in the
moment.
It is a reward drug that, yes,makes us feel something in the
(08:16):
moment.
But what dopamine is designedto do is to get us to chase, to
chase the reward.
And once we get the reward, yes, we get a little spike of it,
but then it goes away.
So it's never going to make youhappy.
And what, once again, mostpeople are chasing is not
happiness.
They're chasing dopamine hitsand that's why they're in the
(08:36):
cycle of wanting, chasing,reward, wanting, chasing reward.
And happiness feels constantlyelusive because we've confused
dopamine for happiness.
And all of that loop ishappening because we assign the
meaning to that thing.
That thing, that relationship,that job is going to be what
(08:57):
makes us happy, but the truth isit's not going to make you
happy because it's not designedto.
It's designed to give you thechase reward model, not the
sustained happiness model, notthe life that you actually want.
So what's going to give that toyou?
Well, the research shows us thatwhat actually gives us
sustained happiness, sustainedwell-being, is building a life
(09:20):
of fulfillment.
What we have to do here, guys,is shift the entire game.
We shift the game away fromthat treadmill and we start to
focus in on what actually bringsus fulfillment in life.
So what is fulfillment?
Fulfillment is a deep sense ofmeaning, purpose and alignment
(09:41):
between your actions and yourvalues, and when you're living
your life that way, happinessbecomes a byproduct of living a
life that is fulfilling.
And here's an important thingto remember Fulfillment is not a
dopamine spike.
It's a long-term neurochemicalstate, it's a shift in our
(10:03):
brain's wiring, and fulfillmentis actually more rooted in
chemicals like serotonin, whichhave to do with mood stability,
confidence, and oxytocin, whichis about connection and love,
and endocannabinoids, which areassociated with things like
peace, contentment, the abilityto relax and an overall sense of
well-being.
(10:23):
So as an illustration of this,of the difference between
fulfillment and happiness, Iwant you to think about it like
your waterline of overallwell-being, contentment and
happiness in your life, andthink about the emotion of
happiness, right, not the senseof overall well-being or this
stable sense of happiness in ourlife, but that feeling of
happiness.
I want you to think about it asif you're standing in the ocean
(10:46):
, right?
So if you've ever stood wherethe waves break on the shore,
you know that at one moment, youcan have a wave just crash over
you and totally submerge youunderneath the water and within
a few moments later, as the tidestarts to draw out, the water's
down at your knee level.
So there's this constantvolatility that's happening with
(11:07):
the water and how you'reexperiencing it, and the emotion
of happiness, or that feelingof happiness, is a lot like this
.
Right, all of a sudden, we getthat wave of happiness and we
think, wow, I'm experiencingwhat I thought I was going to
experience.
And then, all of a sudden, thatemotion of happiness starts to
recede, it starts to be pulledaway from us, and that emotion
(11:28):
of happiness is acting exactlylike that wave that's crashing
on the shore, overwhelming usand getting it pulled away from
us.
Now, fulfillment, on the otherhand, is about raising the
overall waterline in our life ofa sense of overall well-being
and a sense of happiness.
Let's start talking about whatcreates a more fulfilling life.
(11:49):
As we jump into this, I want toset a foundation around two
really important things to keepin mind.
The first is that building afulfilling life, or fulfillment,
doesn't always feel pleasurableon the front end.
What do I mean by this?
Well, the research shows usthat one of the things that can
help create a fulfilling life isserving other people,
(12:10):
volunteering, et cetera.
So when we do that, it mightnot feel pleasurable on the
front end, but afterwards, rightafter we're done with it, we
have a sense of fulfillment.
Another example is having a hardconversation with somebody
because of the relationship thatyou value.
Doing the hard conversationdoesn't make us feel happy.
(12:32):
It doesn't make us feel so good.
It's hard, it's uncomfortable,but afterwards we'll have a
sense of fulfillment that we didthe hard thing that needed to
be done.
This is the challenge for manypeople as they're trying to
build a more fulfilling life.
It doesn't always feel good,and so they think well, that's
not making me more happy.
Remember, what we're trying todo is raise the waterline in our
(12:55):
life of an overall sense ofwell-being, of an overall sense
of happiness, and it's going tocome from a life that feels more
fulfilling, and so we have todo the things that bring
fulfillment in our life, andthose things aren't always easy
on the front end, but the payoffis absolutely going to be worth
it.
(13:15):
Which leads me to the otherpoint that I want to make sure
that we understand is to notconfuse dopamine spikes or
dopamine hits with fulfillment,because here's what can happen
with dopamine You'll feel greatin the moment, but afterwards
you have a sense of emptiness,and what we're after is
something that fills us, notempties us.
(13:35):
And when we're on the dopaminetreadmill we're chasing all of
this stuff.
Right, we bought the thing, wethought it would make us happy
and then 10 minutes later wehave buyer's remorse or
immediately after we havebuyer's remorse, and it actually
sucks the life out of us andmakes us feel empty afterwards.
That's a real key signal foryou that that was actually a
(13:55):
dopamine hit, a dopamine spike,not something that truly brought
you fulfillment.
If we keep staying on thatdopamine treadmill and we're
confusing dopamine hits withfulfillment, we're never going
to break this cycle and we'renever dopamine hits with
fulfillment.
We're never going to break thiscycle and we're never going to
create happiness.
We're never going to feelempowered to create a life that
(14:17):
feels happy, that feelsmeaningful, that feels fulfilled
.
Now I just want to take a momentand talk to you about the
Personal Mastery Framework.
It's a one-on-one coachingprogram that is designed to help
you on your journey of creatinga life that feels as good on
the inside as it looks on theoutside.
The coaching program is basedon six evidence-based pillars
(14:39):
around things like mindsetresilience, to bring alignment
with your internal world thosedesires, your hopes and dreams.
And your external world, tohelp you deepen connections and
dreams.
And your external world, tohelp you deepen connections and
a sense of belonging in yourrelationships.
To learn how to practicepresence so that you're not
missing out on your life, and toconnect with your true sense of
purpose so that you're livingthe life that you truly believe
(15:03):
that you were meant to live.
So if you'd like to learn moreabout the art and science of
personal mastery, I encourageyou to check out the show notes
in this episode.
You'll find a link there whereyou can set up a free strategy
call so that we can connect anddetermine if working together is
the right fit.
So if you're ready to take thatnext step, set up that free
call.
I'm looking forward to learningmore about the goals that you
(15:25):
have and, most importantly, I'mlooking forward to getting to
know you.
So now, how do we create afulfilling life?
First step begin to payattention, to get curious about
when you feel fulfilled, whensomething makes you feel whole,
(15:45):
makes you feel connected to yourtrue self, to your purpose, to
your values and connected toother people.
So I encourage you to reallystart paying attention to these
things that make you feelfulfilled, because these are
going to be your clues to whatis going to help you build a
life that causes happiness to bea byproduct in your life, that
(16:05):
gives you an overall greatersense of well-being around the
life that you're living.
So start asking yourselfquestions like when do I feel
like the most me myself?
When do I finish something andthink that really mattered?
When do you feel connected tosomething greater than yourself?
When do you feel more connectedto other people?
(16:27):
Look for the things that youkind of get lost in, or the
moments where you just want tostop and savor something or
you're saying things like thisis what I'm meant to be doing.
I would do this even if Iwasn't paid for it or I deeply
felt that when I experienced itor that mattered to me.
Those are all hints for youaround what is going to cause
(16:48):
you to have a fulfilling life.
Take time to observe them,write them down, keep a little
journal of them on your phone.
Anytime you have those momentswhere it feels really fulfilling
, just jot a note down around it.
Take the time to reallyidentify it.
Those are all going to be cluesfor you around what causes you
(17:08):
to feel fulfilled, and thenthat's going to be clues for you
around what's going to create alife that feels happier for you
.
After we've started identifyingthose moments, we want to then
move into the second step is tothen assign the meaning and the
value that was around thatexperience, why we felt so
fulfilled in that moment.
(17:30):
So pause and ask yourselfquestions like why did that
matter to me?
What value was I honoring inthat moment?
What was it about that momentthat felt so meaningful to me?
Was it growth?
Was it mastery?
Was it creativity?
Was it connection?
What was going on in thatmoment that made it so
(17:50):
fulfilling for you?
Because asking that question isreally important, because it's
going to help you uncover thevalues, the things that are
important to you, so that youcan look for and repeat more of
that in different situations.
Now the third step that canreally be helpful in creating a
more meaningful life is to savorthe experience.
Don't just note it and move onfrom it, but actually take time
(18:13):
to savor, emotionally, connectwith that moment, because we're
trying to anchor this into ournervous system, because the
neuroscience on this tells usthat when we savor meaningful
moments, you're ingraining thosemoments and that connection,
that association, into yourbrain.
And what you're doing when youdo that is you're ingraining
those moments and thatconnection, that association
into your brain.
And what you're doing when youdo that is you're installing
(18:33):
this software that allows you toaccess those same emotional
pathways and literally learn howto relive that moment later on
and experience the same emotions, chemicals, etc.
When you take the time to allowyourself to savor it and
install it into your nervoussystem.
Now the fourth step in learningto build a life that feels
(18:56):
fulfilling is don't forget aboutthe people in your life.
I've shared this before.
All the research shows us tohave a happier life, a more
fulfilling life, a life filledwith a greater sense of
well-being.
It always includesrelationships.
Building a fulfilling life israrely a solo sport.
It's done in partnership.
(19:17):
So ask yourself who brings outthe best in me, who sees me, who
really sees me?
And ask yourself how can Ispend more time with people like
that and how can I be morepresent with them when I am with
them?
Because fulfillment grows inconnection, in presence, in
shared moments together, andwhen you're having those moments
(19:39):
, notice what sense offulfillment are you having from
that relationship.
And if it's a relationshipthat's fulfilling you and as
you're doing activities andexperiences together, or you're
just noticing them, enjoyingtheir presence, just being
fulfilled by being with them asa person who's in your life,
make sure and take the time toreally savor the moments that
(20:02):
you're with them and create moremoments that you can savor
together with them.
Now the fifth step in building afulfilling life is to build
your life around the things thatyou've discovered from those
four steps that we just talkedabout.
Once you know what fulfills you, why it fulfills you, the
people who fulfill you, start tocreate a life that has those
(20:26):
elements in it.
Start to ask yourself how can Imake more room in my schedule
for these experiences, for thesepeople?
How can I take moments to juststop and allow myself to savor
it when I am experiencing it.
How can these things become apart of my routine, my habits,
et cetera?
Build a life that starts tointegrate these things as a part
(20:49):
of it.
For example, if it's reallyfulfilling for you to just sit
on the couch with somebody youreally love and just notice them
and take in their presence, bemindful to do more of that, be
with them, be present with them.
Or if there's hobbies orexperiences that you notice that
afterwards you feel reallyfulfilled.
(21:11):
Or if it's volunteering,whatever it is for you, find
ways to integrate that in yourlife and to keep it as a part of
your schedule, your life,intentionally.
And what's going to happen?
As you start to do things thatfeel more fulfilling to you,
you're going to create a morefulfilling life.
And when you create a morefulfilling life, guess what's
(21:33):
going to happen?
The byproduct of happiness isgoing to start to show up in
your life more frequently.
The waterline, emotionally, ofwell-being, of happiness,
contentment, a state of justbeing able to enjoy your life,
is going to be more present withyou.
And the research backs all ofthis up that when we stop
(21:55):
chasing happiness, we stoppursuing it and stop thinking
that we're going to find it outthere somewhere and we take
ownership and we understand thatwe are the ones who can create
happiness in our life.
And the way that we create thathappiness is by creating a life
that feels fulfilling, thatfeels satisfactory, that feels
(22:15):
whole, that's aligned with ourvalues.
Happiness is going to startshowing up in our life and
surprising us, and thenhappiness has become a byproduct
of a life that we've built, alife that we've created, versus
something that we feel likewe're at the mercy of.
Which leads me to the bonus tipthat I wanted to share with you,
and it has to do with thatsavoring that we talked about
(22:39):
earlier.
You see, when you allowyourself to savor those moments
and you really connect with them, they get installed in your
memory, right?
They get installed in what Icall this file cabinet that we
have of happy moments that wecan access.
So how can you use that toshift your emotional state in
just a matter of minutes?
Well, it's a very simpleprocess.
(23:01):
When you need that, when youneed that shift, take a moment
and access that file cabinetthat you've created through
savoring meaningful moments andpull out one of the files.
Think about a time when youfelt deeply fulfilled, deeply
connected.
Take time to close your eyes,breathe into it, visualize it,
(23:24):
be with that moment, let thefeelings resurface, fully fill
them, connect with them.
And what the research shows us,as I talked about earlier, it's
going to reactivate the sameneurochemicals that you were
feeling in the moment when youfirst had that experience
Serotonin, oxytocin and theendocannabinoid system, that
(23:47):
sense of peace and overallwell-being.
And this is a proven way toshift your mood, recenter
yourself at any time, using yourown internal resources.
Now, if you haven't had a chanceyet to subscribe to or to
follow this podcast, I want totake a moment and encourage you
to do that so that you don'tmiss out on a single episode.
(24:08):
Also, if you've not had achance yet to leave a review, I
want to encourage you to do thatas well, because the more
reviews that we get, the morelikely this podcast is going to
find its way to people who needto hear the message about how to
have a healthy relationshipwith themselves and how to
create a life that feels as goodon the inside as it looks on
the outside, and I want toremind you that you are worthy
(24:31):
of a life that feels as good onthe inside as it looks on the
outside.
Today, in this episode, I'm gonna share exactly
how to start creating a happierlife not by chasing it, not by
trying to find it, but bycreating it with the one thing
that research actually shows usleads to sustainable happiness.
And what is that one thing?
It's creating a life offulfillment.
(00:20):
Hello everybody, and welcome toPersonal Mastery.
I'm your host, jerry Henderson,and if you're ready to create a
life that feels as good on theinside as it looks on the
outside, you're in the rightplace.
Let's get started.
Now.
Here's the truth about happinessand here's what the research
tells us about.
It is that happiness is notsomething that you find.
(00:41):
It's actually a byproduct ofbuilding a life that feels
meaningful, aligned and real.
Now let's be honest aboutsomething we all want happier
lives.
Right, we want to feel happier,but for so many of us, it feels
elusive, just outside of ourreach, and, according to recent
research done by Gallup, their2023 Global Emotions Report,
(01:03):
only 23% of people worldwide saythat they feel happy and that
they're thriving.
So that means that 77% ofpeople do not feel happy.
They do not feel like they'rethriving, despite the world that
we're living in, where we havemore options, more comfort and
more convenience than everbefore.
(01:25):
We have things at ourfingertips all the time that are
promising us a happier life.
Yet, despite all of that, still77% of people would not report
themselves as feeling likethey're happy and that they're
thriving.
So why is that?
Why are most people not happy,even with all the options that
we have, and even knowing theresearch that these things
(01:48):
aren't going to lead us tohappiness?
Why do we still feel unhappy?
I believe the truth is thatmost people aren't taught how to
be happy.
We're told that we're not happy.
We're told that all thesethings aren't going to lead to
our happiness, but very fewpeople are telling us how to
actually create happiness, and Ipromise you that if you'll
(02:08):
practice the things that I'mgoing to share with you
evidence-based facts about whatactually leads to a happier life
you will begin to create a lifethat feels more genuinely
happier.
So where do we start?
Well, the first place that westart is actually by stopping
something.
We stop trying to findhappiness, we stop chasing it,
(02:31):
because when we're chasinghappiness, it's literally like
trying to hold on to water inour hands.
The more we try to grasp at it,it just simply slips through
our fingers, and when we'rechasing happiness, it does a
couple of things to us.
Number one it disempowers us.
Why?
Because it always makes us feellike happiness is outside of us
(02:54):
, that it's not something thatwe can create.
It's something that we have tochase, and when we're chasing
something and we don't feel likewe have any ability to create
it, we wind up feelingdisempowered.
Now, the second thing thathappens when we're chasing
happiness is it distracts us.
It distracts us from thepresent moment because we
(03:14):
believe that we're going to findit someday, but the reality
about happiness is it's onlyexperienced in the present
moment.
Think about it Anytime thatyou've experienced happiness, it
happened in the present moment.
Think about it Anytime thatyou've experienced happiness, it
happened in the present moment.
And one of the traps of tryingto find happiness is it
distracts us from everythingaround us that could potentially
(03:36):
bring us happiness.
So if we can't find happinessand we can't chase it down,
where does happiness actuallycome from?
There's a great article that waspublished in 2008 in the
Journal of Positive Psychology,and it explains the difference
between chasing happiness andcreating overall well-being.
And one of the key things fromthe research in this article and
(03:58):
all of the research onhappiness shows us this that
happiness is a byproduct.
It's not something that wechase.
It is elusive when we chase itand we have to understand what
actually creates it.
So where does happiness comefrom?
Well, happiness, as I sharedearlier, is a byproduct.
It is not something that can bechased or found.
(04:20):
It is a byproduct that iscreated from the meaning that we
assign to things in our life,to the experiences that we have.
We believe that, if thishappens, that happiness will
then follow that experience orthat event happening, and the
reason we believe that isbecause of the meaning that
(04:43):
we've assigned to that thing orto that experience.
So, for example, for some peoplegoing and buying a really nice
Berka handbag, they've got a lotof meaning that they've
assigned to that bag.
What it means to themstatus-wise, what it means to
them in terms of their success,that it represents for them, or
(05:04):
whatever the meaning is thatthey've assigned to that
purchase or that thing isactually what is going to give
them the sense of happiness, thefleeting sense of happiness and
I'll talk about that here in aminute of when they buy that bag
.
Now, for me, if I were to gobuy that bag, I'd get no
happiness out of it, right?
(05:25):
Because I have no meaningattached to that bag.
Buying that bag means nothingto me, so therefore I get no
happiness or no dopamine hitfrom actually purchasing the bag
.
Now, there's other things in mylife that I've assigned meaning
to, and when I do those thingsor when I allow myself to
experience those things, itbrings a sense of happiness.
(05:49):
I get certain chemical releasesas a result of that, and
everybody has their own thingsthat they think are going to
make them happy because of themeaning that they've given those
things.
And listen, we live in a culturethat is bombarding us
constantly with the things thatare supposed to make us happy.
We see it all of the time andhere's the reality.
(06:12):
Right, these aren't things thatare actually going to make us
happier.
They're things that are goingto fatten the wallets of other
people, and we've bought intothe fact, the illusion that
those things represent a happierlife.
All the research tells us it isnot the truth.
Those things are not going toproduce lasting happiness.
(06:32):
What they're going to producefor us are dopamine hits, and
dopamine hits are not the sameas lasting happiness, and this
is one of the big mistakes thatpeople make in their pursuit of
happiness or their pursuit ofwell-being.
They've made this associationof dopamine hits, anxiety
equaling happiness.
(06:53):
And here's what happens we geton the dopamine treadmill.
We buy something and we getsomething that we thought was
going to make us happy.
As a result, we get a dopaminehit, we get some endorphins
released in our systems, maybewe get a little bit of oxytocin
as a result of it and we feelgood temporarily.
Then that feeling starts towear off because they're
chemicals and our body can'tjust keep releasing those
(07:15):
chemicals nonstop in our system.
So that hit starts to wear offand then we think we need more
of that thing in order to feelhealthy.
We've made this associationthat thing equals happiness, but
actually that thing equalschemicals.
Those chemicals wear off.
We think we need the next thing.
So we repeat the cycle.
(07:36):
But the challenge is over timewe get diminishing returns from
those things and our brainsadjust, leading to what is known
as the hedonic treadmill, wherewe have to do more and more,
stay on that treadmill to getthose same hits and to try to
continue to get that feeling.
So we're chasing it all of thetime.
What happens is we feel less,but we crave more, we don't feel
(07:56):
fulfilled, we don't feel happy,so we're chasing it all of the
time.
What happens is we feel lessbut we crave more.
We don't feel fulfilled, wedon't feel happy because we're
confusing dopamine withhappiness.
But here's the thing thedopamine hit that we get is not
actually happiness.
Dopamine is not a happiness drug.
It is a reward drug that, yes,makes us feel something in the
moment.
It is a reward drug that, yes,makes us feel something in the
(08:16):
moment.
But what dopamine is designedto do is to get us to chase, to
chase the reward.
And once we get the reward, yes, we get a little spike of it,
but then it goes away.
So it's never going to make youhappy.
And what, once again, mostpeople are chasing is not
happiness.
They're chasing dopamine hitsand that's why they're in the
(08:36):
cycle of wanting, chasing,reward, wanting, chasing reward.
And happiness feels constantlyelusive because we've confused
dopamine for happiness.
And all of that loop ishappening because we assign the
meaning to that thing.
That thing, that relationship,that job is going to be what
(08:57):
makes us happy, but the truth isit's not going to make you
happy because it's not designedto.
It's designed to give you thechase reward model, not the
sustained happiness model, notthe life that you actually want.
So what's going to give that toyou?
Well, the research shows us thatwhat actually gives us
sustained happiness, sustainedwell-being, is building a life
(09:20):
of fulfillment.
What we have to do here, guys,is shift the entire game.
We shift the game away fromthat treadmill and we start to
focus in on what actually bringsus fulfillment in life.
So what is fulfillment?
Fulfillment is a deep sense ofmeaning, purpose and alignment
(09:41):
between your actions and yourvalues, and when you're living
your life that way, happinessbecomes a byproduct of living a
life that is fulfilling.
And here's an important thingto remember Fulfillment is not a
dopamine spike.
It's a long-term neurochemicalstate, it's a shift in our
(10:03):
brain's wiring, and fulfillmentis actually more rooted in
chemicals like serotonin, whichhave to do with mood stability,
confidence, and oxytocin, whichis about connection and love,
and endocannabinoids, which areassociated with things like
peace, contentment, the abilityto relax and an overall sense of
well-being.
(10:23):
So as an illustration of this,of the difference between
fulfillment and happiness, Iwant you to think about it like
your waterline of overallwell-being, contentment and
happiness in your life, andthink about the emotion of
happiness, right, not the senseof overall well-being or this
stable sense of happiness in ourlife, but that feeling of
happiness.
I want you to think about it asif you're standing in the ocean
(10:46):
, right?
So if you've ever stood wherethe waves break on the shore,
you know that at one moment, youcan have a wave just crash over
you and totally submerge youunderneath the water and within
a few moments later, as the tidestarts to draw out, the water's
down at your knee level.
So there's this constantvolatility that's happening with
(11:07):
the water and how you'reexperiencing it, and the emotion
of happiness, or that feelingof happiness, is a lot like this
.
Right, all of a sudden, we getthat wave of happiness and we
think, wow, I'm experiencingwhat I thought I was going to
experience.
And then, all of a sudden, thatemotion of happiness starts to
recede, it starts to be pulledaway from us, and that emotion
(11:28):
of happiness is acting exactlylike that wave that's crashing
on the shore, overwhelming usand getting it pulled away from
us.
Now, fulfillment, on the otherhand, is about raising the
overall waterline in our life ofa sense of overall well-being
and a sense of happiness.
Let's start talking about whatcreates a more fulfilling life.
(11:49):
As we jump into this, I want toset a foundation around two
really important things to keepin mind.
The first is that building afulfilling life, or fulfillment,
doesn't always feel pleasurableon the front end.
What do I mean by this?
Well, the research shows usthat one of the things that can
help create a fulfilling life isserving other people,
(12:10):
volunteering, et cetera.
So when we do that, it mightnot feel pleasurable on the
front end, but afterwards, rightafter we're done with it, we
have a sense of fulfillment.
Another example is having a hardconversation with somebody
because of the relationship thatyou value.
Doing the hard conversationdoesn't make us feel happy.
(12:32):
It doesn't make us feel so good.
It's hard, it's uncomfortable,but afterwards we'll have a
sense of fulfillment that we didthe hard thing that needed to
be done.
This is the challenge for manypeople as they're trying to
build a more fulfilling life.
It doesn't always feel good,and so they think well, that's
not making me more happy.
Remember, what we're trying todo is raise the waterline in our
(12:55):
life of an overall sense ofwell-being, of an overall sense
of happiness, and it's going tocome from a life that feels more
fulfilling, and so we have todo the things that bring
fulfillment in our life, andthose things aren't always easy
on the front end, but the payoffis absolutely going to be worth
it.
(13:15):
Which leads me to the otherpoint that I want to make sure
that we understand is to notconfuse dopamine spikes or
dopamine hits with fulfillment,because here's what can happen
with dopamine You'll feel greatin the moment, but afterwards
you have a sense of emptiness,and what we're after is
something that fills us, notempties us.
(13:35):
And when we're on the dopaminetreadmill we're chasing all of
this stuff.
Right, we bought the thing, wethought it would make us happy
and then 10 minutes later wehave buyer's remorse or
immediately after we havebuyer's remorse, and it actually
sucks the life out of us andmakes us feel empty afterwards.
That's a real key signal foryou that that was actually a
(13:55):
dopamine hit, a dopamine spike,not something that truly brought
you fulfillment.
If we keep staying on thatdopamine treadmill and we're
confusing dopamine hits withfulfillment, we're never going
to break this cycle and we'renever dopamine hits with
fulfillment.
We're never going to break thiscycle and we're never going to
create happiness.
We're never going to feelempowered to create a life that
(14:17):
feels happy, that feelsmeaningful, that feels fulfilled
.
Now I just want to take a momentand talk to you about the
Personal Mastery Framework.
It's a one-on-one coachingprogram that is designed to help
you on your journey of creatinga life that feels as good on
the inside as it looks on theoutside.
The coaching program is basedon six evidence-based pillars
(14:39):
around things like mindsetresilience, to bring alignment
with your internal world thosedesires, your hopes and dreams.
And your external world, tohelp you deepen connections and
dreams.
And your external world, tohelp you deepen connections and
a sense of belonging in yourrelationships.
To learn how to practicepresence so that you're not
missing out on your life, and toconnect with your true sense of
purpose so that you're livingthe life that you truly believe
(15:03):
that you were meant to live.
So if you'd like to learn moreabout the art and science of
personal mastery, I encourageyou to check out the show notes
in this episode.
You'll find a link there whereyou can set up a free strategy
call so that we can connect anddetermine if working together is
the right fit.
So if you're ready to take thatnext step, set up that free
call.
I'm looking forward to learningmore about the goals that you
(15:25):
have and, most importantly, I'mlooking forward to getting to
know you.
So now, how do we create afulfilling life?
First step begin to payattention, to get curious about
when you feel fulfilled, whensomething makes you feel whole,
(15:45):
makes you feel connected to yourtrue self, to your purpose, to
your values and connected toother people.
So I encourage you to reallystart paying attention to these
things that make you feelfulfilled, because these are
going to be your clues to whatis going to help you build a
life that causes happiness to bea byproduct in your life, that
(16:05):
gives you an overall greatersense of well-being around the
life that you're living.
So start asking yourselfquestions like when do I feel
like the most me myself?
When do I finish something andthink that really mattered?
When do you feel connected tosomething greater than yourself?
When do you feel more connectedto other people?
(16:27):
Look for the things that youkind of get lost in, or the
moments where you just want tostop and savor something or
you're saying things like thisis what I'm meant to be doing.
I would do this even if Iwasn't paid for it or I deeply
felt that when I experienced itor that mattered to me.
Those are all hints for youaround what is going to cause
(16:48):
you to have a fulfilling life.
Take time to observe them,write them down, keep a little
journal of them on your phone.
Anytime you have those momentswhere it feels really fulfilling
, just jot a note down around it.
Take the time to reallyidentify it.
Those are all going to be cluesfor you around what causes you
(17:08):
to feel fulfilled, and thenthat's going to be clues for you
around what's going to create alife that feels happier for you
.
After we've started identifyingthose moments, we want to then
move into the second step is tothen assign the meaning and the
value that was around thatexperience, why we felt so
fulfilled in that moment.
(17:30):
So pause and ask yourselfquestions like why did that
matter to me?
What value was I honoring inthat moment?
What was it about that momentthat felt so meaningful to me?
Was it growth?
Was it mastery?
Was it creativity?
Was it connection?
What was going on in thatmoment that made it so
(17:50):
fulfilling for you?
Because asking that question isreally important, because it's
going to help you uncover thevalues, the things that are
important to you, so that youcan look for and repeat more of
that in different situations.
Now the third step that canreally be helpful in creating a
more meaningful life is to savorthe experience.
Don't just note it and move onfrom it, but actually take time
(18:13):
to savor, emotionally, connectwith that moment, because we're
trying to anchor this into ournervous system, because the
neuroscience on this tells usthat when we savor meaningful
moments, you're ingraining thosemoments and that connection,
that association, into yourbrain.
And what you're doing when youdo that is you're ingraining
those moments and thatconnection, that association
into your brain.
And what you're doing when youdo that is you're installing
(18:33):
this software that allows you toaccess those same emotional
pathways and literally learn howto relive that moment later on
and experience the same emotions, chemicals, etc.
When you take the time to allowyourself to savor it and
install it into your nervoussystem.
Now the fourth step in learningto build a life that feels
(18:56):
fulfilling is don't forget aboutthe people in your life.
I've shared this before.
All the research shows us tohave a happier life, a more
fulfilling life, a life filledwith a greater sense of
well-being.
It always includesrelationships.
Building a fulfilling life israrely a solo sport.
It's done in partnership.
(19:17):
So ask yourself who brings outthe best in me, who sees me, who
really sees me?
And ask yourself how can Ispend more time with people like
that and how can I be morepresent with them when I am with
them?
Because fulfillment grows inconnection, in presence, in
shared moments together, andwhen you're having those moments
(19:39):
, notice what sense offulfillment are you having from
that relationship.
And if it's a relationshipthat's fulfilling you and as
you're doing activities andexperiences together, or you're
just noticing them, enjoyingtheir presence, just being
fulfilled by being with them asa person who's in your life,
make sure and take the time toreally savor the moments that
(20:02):
you're with them and create moremoments that you can savor
together with them.
Now the fifth step in building afulfilling life is to build
your life around the things thatyou've discovered from those
four steps that we just talkedabout.
Once you know what fulfills you, why it fulfills you, the
people who fulfill you, start tocreate a life that has those
(20:26):
elements in it.
Start to ask yourself how can Imake more room in my schedule
for these experiences, for thesepeople?
How can I take moments to juststop and allow myself to savor
it when I am experiencing it.
How can these things become apart of my routine, my habits,
et cetera?
Build a life that starts tointegrate these things as a part
(20:49):
of it.
For example, if it's reallyfulfilling for you to just sit
on the couch with somebody youreally love and just notice them
and take in their presence, bemindful to do more of that, be
with them, be present with them.
Or if there's hobbies orexperiences that you notice that
afterwards you feel reallyfulfilled.
(21:11):
Or if it's volunteering,whatever it is for you, find
ways to integrate that in yourlife and to keep it as a part of
your schedule, your life,intentionally.
And what's going to happen?
As you start to do things thatfeel more fulfilling to you,
you're going to create a morefulfilling life.
And when you create a morefulfilling life, guess what's
(21:33):
going to happen?
The byproduct of happiness isgoing to start to show up in
your life more frequently.
The waterline, emotionally, ofwell-being, of happiness,
contentment, a state of justbeing able to enjoy your life,
is going to be more present withyou.
And the research backs all ofthis up that when we stop
(21:55):
chasing happiness, we stoppursuing it and stop thinking
that we're going to find it outthere somewhere and we take
ownership and we understand thatwe are the ones who can create
happiness in our life.
And the way that we create thathappiness is by creating a life
that feels fulfilling, thatfeels satisfactory, that feels
(22:15):
whole, that's aligned with ourvalues.
Happiness is going to startshowing up in our life and
surprising us, and thenhappiness has become a byproduct
of a life that we've built, alife that we've created, versus
something that we feel likewe're at the mercy of.
Which leads me to the bonus tipthat I wanted to share with you,
and it has to do with thatsavoring that we talked about
(22:39):
earlier.
You see, when you allowyourself to savor those moments
and you really connect with them, they get installed in your
memory, right?
They get installed in what Icall this file cabinet that we
have of happy moments that wecan access.
So how can you use that toshift your emotional state in
just a matter of minutes?
Well, it's a very simpleprocess.
(23:01):
When you need that, when youneed that shift, take a moment
and access that file cabinetthat you've created through
savoring meaningful moments andpull out one of the files.
Think about a time when youfelt deeply fulfilled, deeply
connected.
Take time to close your eyes,breathe into it, visualize it,
(23:24):
be with that moment, let thefeelings resurface, fully fill
them, connect with them.
And what the research shows us,as I talked about earlier, it's
going to reactivate the sameneurochemicals that you were
feeling in the moment when youfirst had that experience
Serotonin, oxytocin and theendocannabinoid system, that
(23:47):
sense of peace and overallwell-being.
And this is a proven way toshift your mood, recenter
yourself at any time, using yourown internal resources.
Now, if you haven't had a chanceyet to subscribe to or to
follow this podcast, I want totake a moment and encourage you
to do that so that you don'tmiss out on a single episode.
(24:08):
Also, if you've not had achance yet to leave a review, I
want to encourage you to do thatas well, because the more
reviews that we get, the morelikely this podcast is going to
find its way to people who needto hear the message about how to
have a healthy relationshipwith themselves and how to
create a life that feels as goodon the inside as it looks on
the outside, and I want toremind you that you are worthy
(24:31):
of a life that feels as good onthe inside as it looks on the
outside.
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