May 12, 2025 • 25 mins
Today’s episode will change the way you speak to yourself—and what that inner dialogue creates in your life.
If you’ve ever felt stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure about how to make lasting change, this conversation is for you. You're going to learn the surprising science behind self-talk and motivation—plus how to shift the language inside your mind so it starts working for you, not against you.
Change can begin with one powerful shift: changing the conversation inside your head. And this episode breaks it all down.
In this episode, you'll learn:
- What “change talk” and “sustain talk” actually are—and why they matter so much
- The #1 ratio that predicts whether you'll succeed in changing your life
- The neuroscience behind how words create action (or self-sabotage)
- Four powerful strategies to shift your internal language starting today
- How to disarm shame, fear, and self-doubt using evidence-based mindset tools
- What to do when your inner critic or others around you reinforce your stuckness
- Simple daily practices to rewire your brain for lasting transformation
Whether you're trying to break an old pattern, start something new, or just feel better in your own skin, this episode gives you the roadmap—and the voice—you need.
If you're serious about growth, listen until the end and take notes.
Want help applying this? Schedule your free coaching strategy call at jerryhenderson.org
CHAPTERS
00:00 – Welcome to Personal Mastery
01:04 – The Most Overlooked Ratio That Predicts Change
03:02 – What Is “Change Talk” vs. “Sustain Talk”?
05:02 – The Science Behind Why Your Words Shape Your Life
08:47 – Why Gratitude Can Sometimes Keep You Stuck
10:55 – What the Research Says About Inner Dialogue
12:52 – 4 Strategies to Shift From Sustain to Change Talk
17:24 – Common Barriers: Shame, Identity, and External Noise
21:10 – You Are Worthy of Trying Again
22:53 – A Daily Practice to Rewire Your Self-Talk
24:48 – Final Takeaway and Coaching Invitation
I am grateful you are here,
Jerry
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Website:
www.jerryhenderson.org
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jerry Henderson (00:00):
Hello everybody and welcome to Personal Mastery
.
I'm your host, jerry Henderson,and if you're ready to create a
life that feels as good on theinside as it looks on the
outside, you're in the rightplace.
Let's get started.
I am so excited to dig intotoday's episode.
Why?
Because we're going to betalking about what is a key
(00:23):
ratio, a key measure in our lifethat is a leading indicator of
whether or not we're going to beable to make the changes that
we want to make and sustainthose changes.
You know I always talk aboutthat the most important
relationship that we have in ourlife is the one that we have
with ourselves, and then Ifollow that up with how is that
(00:44):
relationship going?
And here's the truth for somany of us, we don't have any
measures that we've put in placeor any indicators that we're
tracking on how our relationshipwith ourself is going Well.
Today, I'm gonna give you a keymeasure, a key indicator that
can not only help you understandwhere your relationship is with
(01:05):
yourself, but you can also useit as a key measure, a key
indicator, like I said earlier,on whether or not you're going
to make change in your life andsustain that change.
And what is that key ratio?
What is that key measure?
It is your ratio between yourchange talk and your sustained
talk.
You might be asking well, whatthe heck are those things?
(01:28):
Well, don't worry, we're goingto get into it.
By the time you're done withthis episode, you're going to
understand what it is, thescience behind it, and how you
can begin to engage in morechange talk versus staying stuck
in sustained talk, becausehere's something that's really
important and I want you tounderstand it at the beginning
of this episode that you canliterally talk yourself into
(01:52):
change and you can also talkyourself into staying stuck.
You see, most people don'trealize why they stay stuck and
they don't realize how they canget unstuck.
Well, this ratio that we'retalking about today, the
difference between your changetalk and your sustained talk is
one of the key measures, keyitems, key things in your life
(02:14):
that's going to help you getunstuck.
Now, before we jump into therest of this episode, I want to
encourage you, if you haven'tdone so already, to take a
moment to follow or to subscribeto this podcast, because I
don't want you to miss out on asingle episode.
Also, if you've not yet had achance to share this with
somebody else.
Please do so, because if thispodcast is making a difference
(02:37):
in your life, it'll make adifference in their life as well
.
And I also just want to saythank you so much for being here
, for being such loyal listenersand for building a community
where we're learning how tocreate a life that feels as good
on the inside as it looks onthe outside.
So let's dig into thedifference between change, talk
(02:58):
and sustain talk, and to giveyou an example of this, let me
ask you a question.
Have you ever found yourselfsaying I want to eat better, but
I just don't have time?
Or I know I should leave thisjob.
I know there's betteropportunities out there for me,
but it pays the bills and I'mnot quite sure what I would do
if I left.
Or I want to learn how to havea healthier relationship with
(03:21):
myself.
I want to learn how to create alife that feels good on the
inside as it does on the outside, but I don't know where to
start.
I don't know what to do.
Maybe I'm uniquely broken.
Maybe I'm the one person who'llnever be able to change.
Or I want to get into arelationship with somebody
that's healthy, but I'm not sosure that there's anybody out
there for me.
I've tried before and it hasn'tworked.
(03:44):
I'll just wind up getting hurtagain, or maybe it's.
I want to stop drinking becauseI know it's unhealthy for me,
it's having an impact on my life, but all my friends drink and
if I don't drink, people thinkI'm odd and I'm going to miss
out on all these socialopportunities.
And it helps me with my anxiety, et cetera, et cetera, et
cetera.
Well, if you've ever engaged inthat internal tug of war,
(04:07):
you've experienced change talkand sustain talk.
The change talk is I want toeat better, I want to get
healthy, I want to feel better.
The sustain talk is but I justdon't have time.
I've tried to get in shapebefore and it hasn't worked for
me.
And here's the key to makingchange.
The key to making change ismoving away from that sustained
(04:32):
talk, that mental conversationthat we have that convinces us
to stay where we are.
It's that bargaining that we doin our brain.
We know we want change, we knowwe want a better future, but
then we start to talk ourselvesout of it.
Now, for many of us, we thinkit's no big deal.
But here's the truth, here'sthe research on it.
It absolutely is a big deal andit is absolutely a key
(04:57):
indicator, like I said earlier,of whether or not you're going
to make change.
So let's dive into this evenfurther.
What happens is when we engagein change talk I want to make
the change, my life can bebetter, I'm worthy of more.
What that's doing is it'sactually activating the approach
side of our brain and I'vetalked about our approach system
(05:18):
in other episodes and when thatapproach system is getting
activated through change talk,it begins to move us towards the
changes that we want to make.
You're actually lighting upportions of your brain,
releasing chemicals, releasinginternal motivation and momentum
towards the things that youwant to achieve, the things that
(05:41):
you want to manifest in yourlife.
Change talk favors movement,growth, action.
When you're saying things likeI really want to feel stronger,
I'm ready to try something new,I'm ready to find a life-giving
relationship, I'm ready to startthat business, I want to create
a life that feels as good onthe inside as it looks on the
(06:04):
outside, those small statementsare the seeds of change.
And when we're talking likethat, we're not only putting it
out into the world, putting itout into the universe, we're
also activating the part of ourbrain, as I said, that begins to
move us towards the changesthat we want to make.
(06:24):
Now, on the other hand,sustained talk is everything you
say that supports you stayingexactly where you are.
Like I said earlier, it's thatlanguage.
Right, I've always been thisway.
I wouldn't even know where tostart.
Maybe things aren't as bad,maybe I should just feel
grateful and just be happy forwhat I have.
(06:45):
Yes, we should all be grateful.
Yes, we should all be happy forwhat we have.
But here's something I want topoint out about that when we
phrase it that way, it actuallycan become sustained talk.
What do I mean by that?
Gratitude does not mean that wedon't move towards change.
(07:05):
Gratitude does recognize theblessings and the goodness that
we have in our life, but whatactually can happen is, when we
say it that way maybe I shouldjust be grateful for what I have
it actually moves your brainaway from the approach system
and puts it into the avoidsystem.
Because let me explain this yousee, you can be grateful for
(07:26):
what you have and not have thatlanguage of well, maybe I should
just be grateful for what Ihave, versus I'm so grateful for
what I have.
Two different ways of saying itand two different sets of
energy around what's being said.
We can actually hide our fearof failure.
We can actually hide ourunwillingness to change behind
(07:50):
the language of maybe I shouldjust be grateful for what I have
.
You can be grateful for whatyou have and still move towards
the life that you want and, as amatter of fact, being grateful
for what you have is a key partof moving you towards the life
that you want to have.
But let's not hide behind thatlanguage of maybe I should just
(08:12):
be grateful for what I have asan act of surrender, as an act
of not moving forward.
I hope that makes sense.
There's a key difference inthat and the language of
gratitude for some people canactually be sustained talk
versus change talk.
If we were to use gratitude inthe change talk space, it would
sound more like I'm so gratefulfor what I have, the blessings
(08:35):
that I have, and I'm so gratefulfor the new opportunities that
are coming my way.
I'm so grateful that I have thetools and the things that I
need to create the life that Iwant to live.
Once again, very differentlanguage, very different energy
and very different results.
Now let me just quickly saysomething.
Having both of those voices isnormal.
(08:59):
We all have them.
We all have the voice that saysI want to make change, and we
all have the voice that tries totalk, want to make change, and
we all have the voice that triesto talk us out of that change.
But what I really want to drivehome is the ratio between them.
That ratio tells us a lot.
It tells us how ready we are toactually change.
And the people who make changes, the people who create success
(09:22):
in their life, absolutely aremore mindful of their change
talk, sustain talk ratio andengage in more change talk.
They've learned to hear thevoice of sustain talk and
they've made a conscious choiceto move away from it and create
more change talk in their life.
(09:44):
So let's just take a quickmoment and talk about what the
research says about this.
Research shows that the more aperson verbalizes change talk
aka the reasons, the desires,the abilities that you have and
the commitment that you have forchange, the more likely you are
to follow through.
In fact, a big research studywas done that shows that change
(10:05):
talk predicted behavior changeacross domains from addiction
recovery to weight loss, etc.
And why is this?
Well, it's because languageisn't just descriptive, it's
generative.
When you articulate possibility, your brain begins reinforcing
it, and when you voice doubt,your brain is rehearsing
(10:29):
stagnation or stuckness.
And the neuroscience calls thisself-persuasion.
And, as it turns out, we'reactually more likely to follow
through on the ideas that weverbalize, the reasons that we
have for change, versus whenwe're told to do them by other
people.
So eliciting change talk withinyourself is actually talking
(10:53):
yourself in to changing.
Now let's just talk a little bitmore about why this ratio
matters so much.
I want you to think of yourinternal dialogue like a scale,
and if your internal monologueis 70% sustained talk, you're
going to keep feeling stuck,you're going to feel ambivalent,
which is that tug of warbetween should I change, should
I not change, do I really knowwhat I should do or shouldn't do
(11:15):
, et cetera, and you're going tostay feeling overwhelmed about
the changes that you want tomake.
But here's the incredible thingthat can happen If you'll
gradually start to tip thebalance towards change.
Talk even increasing it by 5%to 10% makes a huge difference,
and what we want to do is wewant to start tipping that ratio
(11:36):
over the 50% marker.
We want to get it towards 55,60% and greater eventually, but
just getting it to that stagereally is a predictor of change,
and you're going to notice thatyour motivation starts
increasing and your resistanceto change starts softening.
(11:56):
Now let me just be clear aboutsomething this isn't about
totally eliminating sustainedtalk, because sustained talk,
that voice, it often containssome really legitimate fears and
real barriers that we want tobe curious about.
And we also don't want to judgeour sustained talk, we don't
want to beat ourselves up overit, but what we do want to do is
get curious about the sustainedtalk, notice it, witness it and
(12:20):
then start addressing thosefears that are behind it.
And then start shiftingourselves towards and creating
momentum around what we want todo, by eliciting or drawing
forth that change talk, bothwithin us, by the thoughts that
we think, the voice that werepeat in our head, and then
also by the words that we sayout of our mouth.
(12:41):
So now, how do we start toshift from sustained talk to
change talk?
Well, here's four practicalstrategies that you can use.
Number one catch and name it.
First step in change alwaysawareness, right, and the moment
you hear yourself say I'vealways failed at this pause and
label it as sustained talk.
(13:03):
And what this is helping us do?
It's helping us disidentifyfrom that voice, creating a
little bit of a gap between usand it.
So much of behavior change isto disidentify ourselves from
the behavior, because we can gettrapped in the loop of thinking
that because we think a thoughtor because we say something, or
because we believe something orbecause we do something, that's
(13:25):
who we actually are.
And when we think that that'swho we are, versus its thoughts,
behaviors and actions, not uswe become identified with our
patterns, and we want to moveaway from being identified with
our patterns to labeling thosepatterns so that we can see them
, observe them and then feelempowered to start making the
(13:46):
changes that we want to make.
Once we begin to catch and nameour sustained talk, we can then
move into the second thing,which is reflect on it with
curiosity.
Ask yourself, what is thisvoice trying to protect me from?
Because here's the truth Often,sustained talk is rooted in
fear, as we talked about earlierFear of failing, fear of losing
(14:09):
control or fear of steppinginto the unknown, and it also
can be a fear about thatidentity that I just talked
about.
We get stuck and trapped inidentity of our pain, our
behaviors, our trauma, et cetera, and when that's all we know
about ourselves and that's howwe interact with others and the
world, it becomes really scaryto start moving away from that.
(14:31):
And that's why we'll often tryto keep ourselves stuck in those
patterns.
And one of the ways we keepourselves stuck in the patterns
is through that sustained talk.
Now the next step that we canmove into is to gently reframe
that narrative or that talk.
Take a sustained talk phraselike man, I really want to
exercise because I know it'sgood for me, but I'm just too
(14:53):
tired after work to exercise.
Try reframing that into I wantto move my body and I'm still
figuring out how to do it afterwork.
You see that little bit ofenergy change that word and
instead of but is reallyimportant.
It keeps your brain open theword, but starts to shut it down
(15:17):
, whereas and keeps it open andthat phrase in and of itself of
I want to move my body, changetalk.
I'm still figuring it outchange talk.
Those are both change talkphrases versus I'm too tired
after work to exercise.
See the difference there, feelthe energy shift and how that
works.
And that's a gentle process,because we don't want to get
(15:40):
into shaming, we don't want toget into self-judgment, we want
to keep ourselves open because,remember, shaming and
self-judgment closes us down toourselves.
We can't access the parts of usthat need healing, that need
transformation, that need themotivation to move forward in
the ways that we want to moveforward.
Now, the final thing I want tomention in this episode and I do
(16:00):
want to say that this is not acomprehensive list this is just
some tips for this episode.
But the next thing I want topoint out that you can do to
move yourself from sustainedtalk to change talk is use
future-focused language.
Even subtle shifts here reallymatter.
Move from I can't to I haven'tyet I can't figure out how to do
(16:24):
this thing at work.
Move that to I haven't figuredit out yet.
One is limiting.
Another elicits curiosity andkeeps us open.
Another example is move fromthis is who I am, this is just
who I've always been, to this iswho I have been.
This is how I kept myself safe,this is what I have been
(16:52):
familiar with Very differentlanguage.
Once again, one is limiting.
One still keeps the door openfor opportunity.
Another example move from I'llnever to.
What if I could?
I'll never find the rightpartner for me.
I'll never find love to.
What if I could find the rightpartner for me?
What if I could?
I'll never find the rightpartner for me.
I'll never find love to.
(17:14):
What if I could find the rightpartner for me?
What if I could figure out howto love and be loved?
Once again, we're keeping thelanguage around curiosity,
openness, and we're activatingthe approach side of our brain
versus the avoid side of ourbrain.
Now, really quickly, I just wantto talk about some common
barriers that people often faceas they're trying to make this
shift from change talk tosustain talk.
Number one is that people oftenfear that they're giving
(17:37):
themselves false hope.
Right, you've been disappointedso many times in the changes
that you want to make that youdon't want to set yourself up
for it, and it becomes aprotective factor for you to
keep that sustained language, aswe've hinted to throughout this
episode, and what can happen ischange talk can actually feel
risky to you.
It can feel risky to yournervous system, like you're
setting yourself up for morefailure, more disappointment.
(17:59):
But here's something I want toencourage you in Refusing to
voice your hope.
It doesn't protect you, itstarves you.
Let me say that again Refusingto voice your hope doesn't
protect you.
It actually starves you.
And here's the truth about thechange that happens in so many
(18:20):
people's lives.
You know what it is.
They tried one more time, eventhough they felt like giving up
on themselves, even though theyfelt hopeless about the changes
they wanted to make, they stilltried one more time.
They didn't allow themselves toabandon hope and they didn't
allow themselves to abandon hopefor themselves, and they just
kept coming back to thepossibility that change can
(18:44):
happen.
Let me just say this to youtoday you might have tried to
change 100 times, 110.
Me just say this to you todayyou might have tried to change
100 times, 110 times or whateverthat number is.
What if it's the 111th timethat the change actually sticks?
Because, once again, here's thetruth Change always happens
(19:04):
from trying one more time.
Now, another barrier that manypeople often face in moving from
sustained talk to change talkis the shame that they carry
from their past attempts.
We just talked about that forjust a moment, about the getting
your hopes up part, but this isa little bit different in the
fact that shame begins to buildthat as your identity and it
begins to activate your innercritic.
(19:26):
And your inner critic might beusing sustained talk to protect
you from trying again.
But can I encourage you thatevery time you try again, you're
not starting over.
You're starting from experience.
You're starting from thelessons from the last time that
you tried and it didn't work outthe way that you wanted it to
(19:50):
or expected it to, and you cantake that experience into the
future.
Remember we never fail as longas we keep trying.
When we don't succeed assomething, it can either be
looked at as failure or it canbe looked at as an opportunity
to grow, figure out what didn'twork and apply those lessons to
(20:12):
the next time that we give itanother swing.
And can I encourage you evenfurther Please give yourself the
permission to let go of theshame that you feel around all
the times that you've tried tochange in the past but you feel
like you weren't able to do it,because even the attempt to try
to change is a win.
Every single person tries anddoesn't succeed, then has to get
(20:37):
back up and try again.
It's the pattern of humanity wedon't win it on the first try
and what we often see frompeople is their external.
What they want to show us thatthey look like they tried on the
first time and were able to doit.
That's just not how it works,folks, and I want to encourage
you please give yourselfpermission to release any shame
(21:00):
from the past attempts of tryingto change and the quote unquote
failures around that.
You are worthy of one more try.
You are worthy of one more try.
You are worthy of one moreattempt.
Now, another barrier that peopleface of making this shift is
other people, external noise,because as you commit to a
change, you might be surroundedby people who are going to
(21:23):
reinforce your sustained talkand instead of eliciting or
drawing out change talk from you, they're going to try to draw
out and reinforce your sustainedtalk.
They're going to say thingslike are you sure that's
realistic?
You've tried that before and itdidn't work out for you.
All of that talk is going tokeep us stuck in our own
sustained talk, and so this iswhy it becomes really important
(21:47):
Let me just say that again,because I cannot communicate
this enough it is reallyimportant, vitally important,
that if you want to make change,to surround yourself with
voices that echo and elicit yourchange talk, not your doubts.
You need people who canencourage you and champion you,
(22:11):
and if you don't have that inyour life, find it.
Don't let yourself stay stuckin sustained talk around
changing your relationships.
Begin to engage in change talkand finding relationships that
are going to help you change.
And if you need to hire a coachwho can help you with that,
that's one of the key parts ofcoaching and that work is to
(22:33):
help elicit change talk so thatindividuals can find their own
internal motivation, which is somuch more sustainable than
external motivation.
So, whatever you have to do tofind a way to get people around
you who are gonna elicit andecho your change talk, do it.
(22:53):
So in today's episode we'vetalked about the importance of
change talk, the ratio of changetalk versus sustained talk, how
we can begin to draw out changetalk from within us, some of
the barriers that we're going toface as we do it, and I hope
that all of this information hashelped you and inspired you to
begin to talk yourself into thechange that you want to make in
(23:17):
your life, and a practical thingthat you can do as you're
beginning to make this change isto reflect in the evening about
that ratio is to reflect in theevening about that ratio.
Begin to examine your day howoften did you engage in
sustained talk versus how oftendid you elicit and engage in
change talk?
Because awareness of that willhelp us start to shift the
(23:39):
balance.
And, once again, the ratio ofthose two things the research is
very clear is a massivepredictor in whether or not
we're going to make change inour life.
Now another quick, practicaltip Take 60 seconds today and
journal five pieces of changetalk about something that you're
(24:01):
working on.
Just do five.
Write down five change talkphrases that you can use about
whatever area it is that you'reworking on, and then revisit
that by looking at it in themorning, midday and then at the
end of your day.
If that exercise feels like alot of work to you and you start
to say things like, yeah, Iwant to do that, but man, that
(24:21):
sounds like a lot of time.
Notice, yes, I want to do thatchange talk, but that sounds
like a lot of time.
Notice, yes, I want to do thatchange talk, but that sounds
like a lot of time.
Sustain talk, you're worthy ofdoing this work.
Okay, now if you want some helpin doing that work.
I want to encourage you to setup a free strategy.
Call with me and we can connectand see if working together is
the right fit.
You can do that by eitherseeing the show notes in this
(24:43):
episode or by simply going to mywebsite at jerryhendersonorg.
So remember your words are notneutral.
They shape the actions that youtake or don't take, and so the
next time you feel stuck,overwhelmed or unsure, listen to
the language that you're usingand if it's pulling you towards
(25:03):
possibility or your approachsystem, do more of that.
And if it's anch you towardspossibility or your approach
system, do more of that.
And if it's anchoring you toyour past and activating all
that energy that makes you wantto avoid change, let's work on
reducing that by replacing itwith change talk and I guarantee
you, as that shift starts tohappen, you're going to start
seeing shifts in the way thatyou feel about yourself, the way
(25:25):
you feel inside, the way thatyou see others, the way that you
see this world and the thingsthat are showing up in your life
.
Well, thank you for listeningto Personal Mastery today.
I want to remind you that youare worthy of creating a life
that feels as good on the insideas it looks on the outside.
Hello everybody and welcome to Personal Mastery
.
I'm your host, jerry Henderson,and if you're ready to create a
life that feels as good on theinside as it looks on the
outside, you're in the rightplace.
Let's get started.
I am so excited to dig intotoday's episode.
Why?
Because we're going to betalking about what is a key
(00:23):
ratio, a key measure in our lifethat is a leading indicator of
whether or not we're going to beable to make the changes that
we want to make and sustainthose changes.
You know I always talk aboutthat the most important
relationship that we have in ourlife is the one that we have
with ourselves, and then Ifollow that up with how is that
(00:44):
relationship going?
And here's the truth for somany of us, we don't have any
measures that we've put in placeor any indicators that we're
tracking on how our relationshipwith ourself is going Well.
Today, I'm gonna give you a keymeasure, a key indicator that
can not only help you understandwhere your relationship is with
(01:05):
yourself, but you can also useit as a key measure, a key
indicator, like I said earlier,on whether or not you're going
to make change in your life andsustain that change.
And what is that key ratio?
What is that key measure?
It is your ratio between yourchange talk and your sustained
talk.
You might be asking well, whatthe heck are those things?
(01:28):
Well, don't worry, we're goingto get into it.
By the time you're done withthis episode, you're going to
understand what it is, thescience behind it, and how you
can begin to engage in morechange talk versus staying stuck
in sustained talk, becausehere's something that's really
important and I want you tounderstand it at the beginning
of this episode that you canliterally talk yourself into
(01:52):
change and you can also talkyourself into staying stuck.
You see, most people don'trealize why they stay stuck and
they don't realize how they canget unstuck.
Well, this ratio that we'retalking about today, the
difference between your changetalk and your sustained talk is
one of the key measures, keyitems, key things in your life
(02:14):
that's going to help you getunstuck.
Now, before we jump into therest of this episode, I want to
encourage you, if you haven'tdone so already, to take a
moment to follow or to subscribeto this podcast, because I
don't want you to miss out on asingle episode.
Also, if you've not yet had achance to share this with
somebody else.
Please do so, because if thispodcast is making a difference
(02:37):
in your life, it'll make adifference in their life as well
.
And I also just want to saythank you so much for being here
, for being such loyal listenersand for building a community
where we're learning how tocreate a life that feels as good
on the inside as it looks onthe outside.
So let's dig into thedifference between change, talk
(02:58):
and sustain talk, and to giveyou an example of this, let me
ask you a question.
Have you ever found yourselfsaying I want to eat better, but
I just don't have time?
Or I know I should leave thisjob.
I know there's betteropportunities out there for me,
but it pays the bills and I'mnot quite sure what I would do
if I left.
Or I want to learn how to havea healthier relationship with
(03:21):
myself.
I want to learn how to create alife that feels good on the
inside as it does on the outside, but I don't know where to
start.
I don't know what to do.
Maybe I'm uniquely broken.
Maybe I'm the one person who'llnever be able to change.
Or I want to get into arelationship with somebody
that's healthy, but I'm not sosure that there's anybody out
there for me.
I've tried before and it hasn'tworked.
(03:44):
I'll just wind up getting hurtagain, or maybe it's.
I want to stop drinking becauseI know it's unhealthy for me,
it's having an impact on my life, but all my friends drink and
if I don't drink, people thinkI'm odd and I'm going to miss
out on all these socialopportunities.
And it helps me with my anxiety, et cetera, et cetera, et
cetera.
Well, if you've ever engaged inthat internal tug of war,
(04:07):
you've experienced change talkand sustain talk.
The change talk is I want toeat better, I want to get
healthy, I want to feel better.
The sustain talk is but I justdon't have time.
I've tried to get in shapebefore and it hasn't worked for
me.
And here's the key to makingchange.
The key to making change ismoving away from that sustained
(04:32):
talk, that mental conversationthat we have that convinces us
to stay where we are.
It's that bargaining that we doin our brain.
We know we want change, we knowwe want a better future, but
then we start to talk ourselvesout of it.
Now, for many of us, we thinkit's no big deal.
But here's the truth, here'sthe research on it.
It absolutely is a big deal andit is absolutely a key
(04:57):
indicator, like I said earlier,of whether or not you're going
to make change.
So let's dive into this evenfurther.
What happens is when we engagein change talk I want to make
the change, my life can bebetter, I'm worthy of more.
What that's doing is it'sactually activating the approach
side of our brain and I'vetalked about our approach system
(05:18):
in other episodes and when thatapproach system is getting
activated through change talk,it begins to move us towards the
changes that we want to make.
You're actually lighting upportions of your brain,
releasing chemicals, releasinginternal motivation and momentum
towards the things that youwant to achieve, the things that
(05:41):
you want to manifest in yourlife.
Change talk favors movement,growth, action.
When you're saying things likeI really want to feel stronger,
I'm ready to try something new,I'm ready to find a life-giving
relationship, I'm ready to startthat business, I want to create
a life that feels as good onthe inside as it looks on the
(06:04):
outside, those small statementsare the seeds of change.
And when we're talking likethat, we're not only putting it
out into the world, putting itout into the universe, we're
also activating the part of ourbrain, as I said, that begins to
move us towards the changesthat we want to make.
(06:24):
Now, on the other hand,sustained talk is everything you
say that supports you stayingexactly where you are.
Like I said earlier, it's thatlanguage.
Right, I've always been thisway.
I wouldn't even know where tostart.
Maybe things aren't as bad,maybe I should just feel
grateful and just be happy forwhat I have.
(06:45):
Yes, we should all be grateful.
Yes, we should all be happy forwhat we have.
But here's something I want topoint out about that when we
phrase it that way, it actuallycan become sustained talk.
What do I mean by that?
Gratitude does not mean that wedon't move towards change.
(07:05):
Gratitude does recognize theblessings and the goodness that
we have in our life, but whatactually can happen is, when we
say it that way maybe I shouldjust be grateful for what I have
it actually moves your brainaway from the approach system
and puts it into the avoidsystem.
Because let me explain this yousee, you can be grateful for
(07:26):
what you have and not have thatlanguage of well, maybe I should
just be grateful for what Ihave, versus I'm so grateful for
what I have.
Two different ways of saying itand two different sets of
energy around what's being said.
We can actually hide our fearof failure.
We can actually hide ourunwillingness to change behind
(07:50):
the language of maybe I shouldjust be grateful for what I have
.
You can be grateful for whatyou have and still move towards
the life that you want and, as amatter of fact, being grateful
for what you have is a key partof moving you towards the life
that you want to have.
But let's not hide behind thatlanguage of maybe I should just
(08:12):
be grateful for what I have asan act of surrender, as an act
of not moving forward.
I hope that makes sense.
There's a key difference inthat and the language of
gratitude for some people canactually be sustained talk
versus change talk.
If we were to use gratitude inthe change talk space, it would
sound more like I'm so gratefulfor what I have, the blessings
(08:35):
that I have, and I'm so gratefulfor the new opportunities that
are coming my way.
I'm so grateful that I have thetools and the things that I
need to create the life that Iwant to live.
Once again, very differentlanguage, very different energy
and very different results.
Now let me just quickly saysomething.
Having both of those voices isnormal.
(08:59):
We all have them.
We all have the voice that saysI want to make change, and we
all have the voice that tries totalk, want to make change, and
we all have the voice that triesto talk us out of that change.
But what I really want to drivehome is the ratio between them.
That ratio tells us a lot.
It tells us how ready we are toactually change.
And the people who make changes, the people who create success
(09:22):
in their life, absolutely aremore mindful of their change
talk, sustain talk ratio andengage in more change talk.
They've learned to hear thevoice of sustain talk and
they've made a conscious choiceto move away from it and create
more change talk in their life.
(09:44):
So let's just take a quickmoment and talk about what the
research says about this.
Research shows that the more aperson verbalizes change talk
aka the reasons, the desires,the abilities that you have and
the commitment that you have forchange, the more likely you are
to follow through.
In fact, a big research studywas done that shows that change
(10:05):
talk predicted behavior changeacross domains from addiction
recovery to weight loss, etc.
And why is this?
Well, it's because languageisn't just descriptive, it's
generative.
When you articulate possibility, your brain begins reinforcing
it, and when you voice doubt,your brain is rehearsing
(10:29):
stagnation or stuckness.
And the neuroscience calls thisself-persuasion.
And, as it turns out, we'reactually more likely to follow
through on the ideas that weverbalize, the reasons that we
have for change, versus whenwe're told to do them by other
people.
So eliciting change talk withinyourself is actually talking
(10:53):
yourself in to changing.
Now let's just talk a little bitmore about why this ratio
matters so much.
I want you to think of yourinternal dialogue like a scale,
and if your internal monologueis 70% sustained talk, you're
going to keep feeling stuck,you're going to feel ambivalent,
which is that tug of warbetween should I change, should
I not change, do I really knowwhat I should do or shouldn't do
(11:15):
, et cetera, and you're going tostay feeling overwhelmed about
the changes that you want tomake.
But here's the incredible thingthat can happen If you'll
gradually start to tip thebalance towards change.
Talk even increasing it by 5%to 10% makes a huge difference,
and what we want to do is wewant to start tipping that ratio
(11:36):
over the 50% marker.
We want to get it towards 55,60% and greater eventually, but
just getting it to that stagereally is a predictor of change,
and you're going to notice thatyour motivation starts
increasing and your resistanceto change starts softening.
(11:56):
Now let me just be clear aboutsomething this isn't about
totally eliminating sustainedtalk, because sustained talk,
that voice, it often containssome really legitimate fears and
real barriers that we want tobe curious about.
And we also don't want to judgeour sustained talk, we don't
want to beat ourselves up overit, but what we do want to do is
get curious about the sustainedtalk, notice it, witness it and
(12:20):
then start addressing thosefears that are behind it.
And then start shiftingourselves towards and creating
momentum around what we want todo, by eliciting or drawing
forth that change talk, bothwithin us, by the thoughts that
we think, the voice that werepeat in our head, and then
also by the words that we sayout of our mouth.
(12:41):
So now, how do we start toshift from sustained talk to
change talk?
Well, here's four practicalstrategies that you can use.
Number one catch and name it.
First step in change alwaysawareness, right, and the moment
you hear yourself say I'vealways failed at this pause and
label it as sustained talk.
(13:03):
And what this is helping us do?
It's helping us disidentifyfrom that voice, creating a
little bit of a gap between usand it.
So much of behavior change isto disidentify ourselves from
the behavior, because we can gettrapped in the loop of thinking
that because we think a thoughtor because we say something, or
because we believe something orbecause we do something, that's
(13:25):
who we actually are.
And when we think that that'swho we are, versus its thoughts,
behaviors and actions, not uswe become identified with our
patterns, and we want to moveaway from being identified with
our patterns to labeling thosepatterns so that we can see them
, observe them and then feelempowered to start making the
(13:46):
changes that we want to make.
Once we begin to catch and nameour sustained talk, we can then
move into the second thing,which is reflect on it with
curiosity.
Ask yourself, what is thisvoice trying to protect me from?
Because here's the truth Often,sustained talk is rooted in
fear, as we talked about earlierFear of failing, fear of losing
(14:09):
control or fear of steppinginto the unknown, and it also
can be a fear about thatidentity that I just talked
about.
We get stuck and trapped inidentity of our pain, our
behaviors, our trauma, et cetera, and when that's all we know
about ourselves and that's howwe interact with others and the
world, it becomes really scaryto start moving away from that.
(14:31):
And that's why we'll often tryto keep ourselves stuck in those
patterns.
And one of the ways we keepourselves stuck in the patterns
is through that sustained talk.
Now the next step that we canmove into is to gently reframe
that narrative or that talk.
Take a sustained talk phraselike man, I really want to
exercise because I know it'sgood for me, but I'm just too
(14:53):
tired after work to exercise.
Try reframing that into I wantto move my body and I'm still
figuring out how to do it afterwork.
You see that little bit ofenergy change that word and
instead of but is reallyimportant.
It keeps your brain open theword, but starts to shut it down
(15:17):
, whereas and keeps it open andthat phrase in and of itself of
I want to move my body, changetalk.
I'm still figuring it outchange talk.
Those are both change talkphrases versus I'm too tired
after work to exercise.
See the difference there, feelthe energy shift and how that
works.
And that's a gentle process,because we don't want to get
(15:40):
into shaming, we don't want toget into self-judgment, we want
to keep ourselves open because,remember, shaming and
self-judgment closes us down toourselves.
We can't access the parts of usthat need healing, that need
transformation, that need themotivation to move forward in
the ways that we want to moveforward.
Now, the final thing I want tomention in this episode and I do
(16:00):
want to say that this is not acomprehensive list this is just
some tips for this episode.
But the next thing I want topoint out that you can do to
move yourself from sustainedtalk to change talk is use
future-focused language.
Even subtle shifts here reallymatter.
Move from I can't to I haven'tyet I can't figure out how to do
(16:24):
this thing at work.
Move that to I haven't figuredit out yet.
One is limiting.
Another elicits curiosity andkeeps us open.
Another example is move fromthis is who I am, this is just
who I've always been, to this iswho I have been.
This is how I kept myself safe,this is what I have been
(16:52):
familiar with Very differentlanguage.
Once again, one is limiting.
One still keeps the door openfor opportunity.
Another example move from I'llnever to.
What if I could?
I'll never find the rightpartner for me.
I'll never find love to.
What if I could find the rightpartner for me?
What if I could?
I'll never find the rightpartner for me.
I'll never find love to.
(17:14):
What if I could find the rightpartner for me?
What if I could figure out howto love and be loved?
Once again, we're keeping thelanguage around curiosity,
openness, and we're activatingthe approach side of our brain
versus the avoid side of ourbrain.
Now, really quickly, I just wantto talk about some common
barriers that people often faceas they're trying to make this
shift from change talk tosustain talk.
Number one is that people oftenfear that they're giving
(17:37):
themselves false hope.
Right, you've been disappointedso many times in the changes
that you want to make that youdon't want to set yourself up
for it, and it becomes aprotective factor for you to
keep that sustained language, aswe've hinted to throughout this
episode, and what can happen ischange talk can actually feel
risky to you.
It can feel risky to yournervous system, like you're
setting yourself up for morefailure, more disappointment.
(17:59):
But here's something I want toencourage you in Refusing to
voice your hope.
It doesn't protect you, itstarves you.
Let me say that again Refusingto voice your hope doesn't
protect you.
It actually starves you.
And here's the truth about thechange that happens in so many
(18:20):
people's lives.
You know what it is.
They tried one more time, eventhough they felt like giving up
on themselves, even though theyfelt hopeless about the changes
they wanted to make, they stilltried one more time.
They didn't allow themselves toabandon hope and they didn't
allow themselves to abandon hopefor themselves, and they just
kept coming back to thepossibility that change can
(18:44):
happen.
Let me just say this to youtoday you might have tried to
change 100 times, 110.
Me just say this to you todayyou might have tried to change
100 times, 110 times or whateverthat number is.
What if it's the 111th timethat the change actually sticks?
Because, once again, here's thetruth Change always happens
(19:04):
from trying one more time.
Now, another barrier that manypeople often face in moving from
sustained talk to change talkis the shame that they carry
from their past attempts.
We just talked about that forjust a moment, about the getting
your hopes up part, but this isa little bit different in the
fact that shame begins to buildthat as your identity and it
begins to activate your innercritic.
(19:26):
And your inner critic might beusing sustained talk to protect
you from trying again.
But can I encourage you thatevery time you try again, you're
not starting over.
You're starting from experience.
You're starting from thelessons from the last time that
you tried and it didn't work outthe way that you wanted it to
(19:50):
or expected it to, and you cantake that experience into the
future.
Remember we never fail as longas we keep trying.
When we don't succeed assomething, it can either be
looked at as failure or it canbe looked at as an opportunity
to grow, figure out what didn'twork and apply those lessons to
(20:12):
the next time that we give itanother swing.
And can I encourage you evenfurther Please give yourself the
permission to let go of theshame that you feel around all
the times that you've tried tochange in the past but you feel
like you weren't able to do it,because even the attempt to try
to change is a win.
Every single person tries anddoesn't succeed, then has to get
(20:37):
back up and try again.
It's the pattern of humanity wedon't win it on the first try
and what we often see frompeople is their external.
What they want to show us thatthey look like they tried on the
first time and were able to doit.
That's just not how it works,folks, and I want to encourage
you please give yourselfpermission to release any shame
(21:00):
from the past attempts of tryingto change and the quote unquote
failures around that.
You are worthy of one more try.
You are worthy of one more try.
You are worthy of one moreattempt.
Now, another barrier that peopleface of making this shift is
other people, external noise,because as you commit to a
change, you might be surroundedby people who are going to
(21:23):
reinforce your sustained talkand instead of eliciting or
drawing out change talk from you, they're going to try to draw
out and reinforce your sustainedtalk.
They're going to say thingslike are you sure that's
realistic?
You've tried that before and itdidn't work out for you.
All of that talk is going tokeep us stuck in our own
sustained talk, and so this iswhy it becomes really important
(21:47):
Let me just say that again,because I cannot communicate
this enough it is reallyimportant, vitally important,
that if you want to make change,to surround yourself with
voices that echo and elicit yourchange talk, not your doubts.
You need people who canencourage you and champion you,
(22:11):
and if you don't have that inyour life, find it.
Don't let yourself stay stuckin sustained talk around
changing your relationships.
Begin to engage in change talkand finding relationships that
are going to help you change.
And if you need to hire a coachwho can help you with that,
that's one of the key parts ofcoaching and that work is to
(22:33):
help elicit change talk so thatindividuals can find their own
internal motivation, which is somuch more sustainable than
external motivation.
So, whatever you have to do tofind a way to get people around
you who are gonna elicit andecho your change talk, do it.
(22:53):
So in today's episode we'vetalked about the importance of
change talk, the ratio of changetalk versus sustained talk, how
we can begin to draw out changetalk from within us, some of
the barriers that we're going toface as we do it, and I hope
that all of this information hashelped you and inspired you to
begin to talk yourself into thechange that you want to make in
(23:17):
your life, and a practical thingthat you can do as you're
beginning to make this change isto reflect in the evening about
that ratio is to reflect in theevening about that ratio.
Begin to examine your day howoften did you engage in
sustained talk versus how oftendid you elicit and engage in
change talk?
Because awareness of that willhelp us start to shift the
(23:39):
balance.
And, once again, the ratio ofthose two things the research is
very clear is a massivepredictor in whether or not
we're going to make change inour life.
Now another quick, practicaltip Take 60 seconds today and
journal five pieces of changetalk about something that you're
(24:01):
working on.
Just do five.
Write down five change talkphrases that you can use about
whatever area it is that you'reworking on, and then revisit
that by looking at it in themorning, midday and then at the
end of your day.
If that exercise feels like alot of work to you and you start
to say things like, yeah, Iwant to do that, but man, that
(24:21):
sounds like a lot of time.
Notice, yes, I want to do thatchange talk, but that sounds
like a lot of time.
Notice, yes, I want to do thatchange talk, but that sounds
like a lot of time.
Sustain talk, you're worthy ofdoing this work.
Okay, now if you want some helpin doing that work.
I want to encourage you to setup a free strategy.
Call with me and we can connectand see if working together is
the right fit.
You can do that by eitherseeing the show notes in this
(24:43):
episode or by simply going to mywebsite at jerryhendersonorg.
So remember your words are notneutral.
They shape the actions that youtake or don't take, and so the
next time you feel stuck,overwhelmed or unsure, listen to
the language that you're usingand if it's pulling you towards
(25:03):
possibility or your approachsystem, do more of that.
And if it's anch you towardspossibility or your approach
system, do more of that.
And if it's anchoring you toyour past and activating all
that energy that makes you wantto avoid change, let's work on
reducing that by replacing itwith change talk and I guarantee
you, as that shift starts tohappen, you're going to start
seeing shifts in the way thatyou feel about yourself, the way
(25:25):
you feel inside, the way thatyou see others, the way that you
see this world and the thingsthat are showing up in your life
.
Well, thank you for listeningto Personal Mastery today.
I want to remind you that youare worthy of creating a life
that feels as good on the insideas it looks on the outside.
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