June 23, 2025 • 18 mins
Loneliness isn’t just about being alone — it’s about feeling unseen and disconnected. In this powerful episode, Harvard-trained psychology coach Jerry Henderson breaks down the surprising science behind loneliness, why it physically affects your brain and body, and shares the one proven thing anyone can do to start healing loneliness today.
You’ll learn:
- What loneliness really is (it's not what you think)
- The shocking health risks of chronic loneliness
- The role of emotionally safe relationships
- How to start building one authentic connection that can change everything
If you’ve ever struggled with feeling disconnected — even when surrounded by people — this episode is for you.
🔑 Key Takeaways
- Loneliness = gap between the connection you want and the connection you feel
- Chronic loneliness activates the same brain centers as physical pain
- One emotionally safe relationship can significantly reduce loneliness
- You can’t fully heal chronic loneliness alone — connection is essential
- Start small: one person, one honest conversation, one real connection
I am grateful you are here,
Jerry
Setup Your FREE Strategy Call:
Schedule Call
Website:
www.jerryhenderson.org
How is your relationship with yourself going?
Get your free-self assessment guide
Pick up your copy of my book:
Returning: Meditations and Reflections on Self-Love and Healing
Get Your Free Weekly Tips!
Instagram: @jerryahenderson
Linkedin: www.linkedin.com/in/jerryahenderson
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jerry Henderson (00:00):
Hello everybody and welcome to Personal Mastery
.
I'm your host, jerry Henderson,and if you're ready to create a
life that feels as good on theinside as it looks on the
outside, you're in the rightplace.
Let's get started.
Today, in this episode, I'mgoing to share the one thing
that anybody can do to help themstop feeling so lonely.
(00:21):
And if you're new here, I'mJerry.
I'm trained in the psychologyof human behavior at Harvard
University and every week, Ishare evidence-based tools to
help you create a life that youlove, and I want to let you know
that I'm so grateful thatyou're here today.
So let's talk about loneliness.
Loneliness is not about beingalone.
It's about being unseen, it'sabout not feeling understood,
(00:45):
not feeling connected and,fundamentally, at its core, what
loneliness is is it's the gapbetween the connection that you
want, that you wish you had, andthe connection that you
actually feel Now.
I think it's also importantthat we understand what
loneliness actually does to ourbrain, to our bodies, to our
overall health, and, just as anexample of the impact that
(01:06):
loneliness can have on usphysically, in 2023 in the
United States, the SurgeonGeneral called loneliness a
public health crisis on par withsmoking 15 cigarettes a day.
That's the negative impact thatit has on you physically, and
so if you're an individual whohas felt misunderstood because
it's felt so physical to you,can I let you know you're not
(01:28):
alone.
It is having a physical impacton you.
Now, additional research onloneliness has shown that it
activates the same pain centersin the brain as physical injury.
Blew me away when I saw that italso raises the risk of heart
disease, stroke, anxiety anddepression.
It also lowers dopamine,serotonin, oxytocin the very
(01:52):
chemicals that help us feelconnected, motivated and alive.
Now here's something that'sreally wild about how we're
wired as human beings in ourdesire to not be alone, to not
be able to tolerate alonenessvery well.
There was a study that was donein 2014 that asked people to
sit alone in a room with theirthoughts for 15 minutes.
(02:12):
They didn't get to have theirphone, they didn't get to have
music, nothing.
And you know what happened 67%of men and 25% of women chose to
give themselves an electricshock rather than sit alone in
silence.
Here's the truth about it.
Here's why I bring it up Toshow you that if you're
struggling to be alone, you'renot weak.
(02:36):
You're experiencing somethingthat's really common, and a lot
of people will judge themselvesand other people will judge
people about somebody'sinability or their lack of
capacity to be alone.
Guys, it's really tough.
You know, I spent two yearstraveling nomadically in order
for me to understand how to bealone with myself, and I had an
(02:57):
experience during that time.
I was in San Sebastian, spain.
I was looking at this beautifulsunset and I'm all by myself,
right, solo traveling.
And solo traveling is one thingthat I recommend that anybody
who can do does do, because itdoes help us get a healthier
relationship with ourselves whenwe have to practice being with
(03:17):
ourselves.
I mean, the only way you canget comfortable being with you
is by being with you.
And so, anyway, I'm in SanSebastian, spain, beautiful
sunset is happening, and I hadthis thought man, I'd love to
have somebody here with me rightnow to experience this with.
But then I had a second thoughtthat kicked up that said, even
if somebody was with you rightnow, you'd still be alone.
(03:41):
And that thought hit me like aton of bricks.
Because it was true, I wouldstill be alone, because I was
always alone, I was alwayswithdrawn, I had all my walls up
, I felt so bad about myself, Ididn't want anybody else to know
about me, the way that I feltabout me.
I've felt very isolated in mylife, no matter what
relationships were in my life,and people always told me I know
(04:02):
you, but I don't know you.
The connection that I wantedonce again versus the connection
that I felt was such a massivegap there and that became my MO.
That's the way that I lived mylife and what I had to do was
get really intentional abouthealing that, and it first
started with healing myrelationship with myself,
(04:22):
learning to be comfortable withme and then learning how to make
connection with other people.
Now here's a big question thatcomes up around this space is
that can you heal lonelinesswithout other people?
And here's the honest answeryou can do the inner work, the
journaling, the nervous systemregulation, the mindfulness
practices, and all of that helps.
(04:42):
It helps a lot actually.
It really does help repair ourrelationship with ourselves and
you can learn to be okay in yourpresence and not use
relationships to distract youfrom yourself, to distract you
from the way that you feel aboutyourself.
And that's a lot of what peopledo in relationships today and
that's why they can feel lonelyeven when they're in
relationships.
So, to answer the question, canwe heal loneliness all by
(05:07):
ourselves?
The research shows us that wecan't fully heal that, that
chronic loneliness, that we needat least one emotionally safe
relationship to begin to addressthat chronic sense of
loneliness that so many peoplecarry today.
And here's the truth we're moreconnected than ever.
I know we hear this all thetime.
(05:27):
Right, we're more connectedthan ever and more disconnected
than ever.
But it's so true.
We have all of these ways ofconnecting, but loneliness is
increasing, increasing all ofthe time.
Why?
Because, once again, it's aboutthe connection that I feel like
I need versus the connectionthat I get.
I want somebody to know me, Iwant to be seen in relationship
(05:49):
and in order for me to be seenin relationship, I need to feel
safe in that relationship.
And the truth is most peopledon't know anymore how to make
their partners, their friends,the people that they love, feel
safe in those relationships.
So, whether we like it or not,we're social mammals.
Okay, we need connection.
(06:10):
We're wired for co-regulation.
That's how we're built.
We learn so much about love andour lovability in relationships
.
Once again, whether or not welike it and I'm a big guy on
self-love, you can listen to alot of the stuff that I've put
out and read my book.
I'm very much in the space ofself-love, self-compassion,
(06:31):
self-acceptance, and that I canlearn to love myself, even if I
haven't had that as a part of mystory, my origin story growing
up, which was my case.
But the truth is, even self-loveis not going to fully deal with
the fact that we are thesesocial mammals who need
connection, that we releaseoxytocin when we're in
(06:53):
connection and all of thesethings that happen that help us
address the sense of loneliness.
And this can be tough,especially if we've experienced
trauma, especially if we've hadpainful life experiences that
teach us not to trust people.
I talk about this that when weexperience trauma, it's not what
happens to us, it's whathappens inside in us.
(07:15):
That really is what trauma isabout, and we make some
decisions.
We make a decision about lifeIs life fair or unfair?
We make decisions aboutourselves.
Am I worthy of love?
Not worthy of love?
We also make decisions aboutpeople.
Are people worthy of being letin and are they going to hurt me
?
That's a normal response tothose painful life experiences.
(07:36):
The truth is and there's a bigstudy that I talk a lot about at
Harvard.
It's the longest study abouthuman well-being and it says the
most important thing thatcreates well-being, that creates
happiness, that deals withloneliness, is human connection.
And once again, it only takesone relationship.
We only need one relationshipthat we feel connected to,
(07:57):
that's safe, to help us addressthe feelings of loneliness.
So what can we do?
What's that one proven thingthat anybody can do to start
addressing loneliness?
Start building one emotionallysafe, meaningful connection.
That's it, just one.
(08:18):
And this isn't about becoming anextrovert or getting more likes
on Instagram or whatever, orfixing all of your relationships
.
It's not about that.
This is simply about finding orcreating one relationship where
you can be real, your authenticself, where you don't have to
pretend, where you can feel seen, you can feel heard and you can
(08:39):
feel accepted.
I often tell people we all needone fully disclosing
relationship in our life wherewe can be us and be accepted for
who we are.
And when that happens, not onlydoes it start to address the
ache that we have, because itstarts to release all those
positive chemicals, it starts toaddress all of the stories that
(09:00):
we have, because now we'refeeling seen and, as a result of
that, our bodies start torespond to that, the chemicals
start to respond to that, thebrain starts to fire and wire
all around this and anotherthing that happens is it starts
to reverse those biologicaleffects of loneliness the impact
that it's having that'sequivalent to smoking 15
cigarettes a day, or causing usto feel anxious, agitated,
depressed of loneliness theimpact that it's having that's
equivalent to smoking 15cigarettes a day, or causing us
(09:21):
to feel anxious, agitated,depressed.
All of those things can beginto get reversed when we make
that connection with just oneperson.
That's it, guys, just oneperson.
So how do you do this?
How do you start to build thatconnection?
There's three really simplethings that you can do, and the
first one is identify one person, someone you trust, maybe a
(09:42):
friend, a sibling, a formermentor or somebody you haven't
spoken to in a while.
Don't overthink it too much.
Just choose one person that youthink you could make a
connection with, that you couldstart developing a safe,
life-giving relationship with.
Now, if you'd like some help onyour journey of developing a
healthier relationship withyourself and feeling like you
(10:03):
can be more transparent and bemore vulnerable in relationships
, I want to encourage you tocheck out my one-on-one coaching
program called Personal Mastery.
For more information about theprogram, you can simply see the
show notes in this episode.
You'll find a link there whereyou can set up a free strategy
call where we can connect andsee if working together is the
right fit.
I'm really looking forward toconnecting with you, learning
(10:25):
more about your goals and, mostimportantly, learning more about
you Now.
If you haven't had a chance yetto subscribe to or to follow
this podcast, I want to take amoment and encourage you to do
that so that you don't miss outon a single episode.
Also, if you've not had achance yet to leave a review, I
want to encourage you to do thatas well, because the more
reviews that we get, the morelikely this podcast is going to
(10:47):
find its way to people who needto hear the message about how to
have a healthy relationshipwith themselves.
And I really do just want tolet you know that I'm grateful
that you're here and I'mgrateful that you're part of
this community.
The second step reach out, senda message and keep it simple and
keep it honest.
Try something like hey, I'vebeen realizing lately I miss
(11:09):
real connection.
I mean, everybody gets thatright Today.
We're missing this sense ofreal connection and you can say
something to them like that andI'm sure it will resonate with
them as well and just tell themhey, I'd love to find some time
to catch up.
You don't need a script, youdon't need to overthink it, just
be honest about it.
(11:29):
What you're really trying to dohere is to make some real,
authentic connection.
And if a person doesn'tunderstand that guess what?
They're not the person at thismoment, in this time, to be able
to make that connection withand move on to another person.
And what we're going to have todo is overcome that fear of
rejection.
Like what?
If they don't want to gettogether, that's okay.
It says more about wherethey're at right now than it
does about you.
You're looking for a realconnection in this time,
(11:52):
something to build on.
And if a person doesn't want todo that, honor that respect,
that that's where they're at.
And then do the work to find thenext person.
Listen, you're worth findingsomebody to connect with, to
build this relationship with, sothat you can start to deal with
that sense of loneliness.
Don't allow yourself to keepcarrying this around.
(12:12):
Take the risk.
One of the things that healsloneliness is taking the risk to
put ourselves out there tostart making connection.
Which then leads me to thethird step of building these
connections Be real when youtalk, take an emotional risk,
don't just keep it all surfacelevel.
And I'm not saying you have tohave this full-blown moment
(12:33):
where you're like puttingeverything on the table and we
like scare people off right.
I'm not saying that, I'm justsaying having maybe one honest
line during the conversation, atsome point you can say
something like hey, honestly,I've been feeling kind of
disconnected lately, or I'vebeen trying to be more real with
the people that I care about,make some deeper connections at
(12:56):
this season of my life.
And what that's going to do isa couple of things.
One, it's going to signal tothem that you're wanting some
connection, okay, and you'redoing it in a way that is safe,
that's not overbearing over thetop, but just kind of putting it
out there.
But what it's also doing it'sallowing that little tiny moment
of vulnerability, that littletiny moment of vulnerability,
that little glimpse of it, tostart creating the safety that
(13:17):
you're craving.
Right, you put it out there, bemet with some yeah, me too or
some empathy, some understanding, and that connection starts to
build and you start to feel seenand that can start to address
that loneliness.
And, once again, if theperson's not interested, that's
okay.
It's just not the right personfor this season of life and it
means nothing about you.
(13:38):
Okay, we'll get in there andwe'll make those stories about
rejection.
It's not about rejection, it'sabout that person's just not, in
this moment, ready to make thattype of connection and that's
okay.
All right.
Now you might be thinking toyourself but what if I don't
have anybody that I feel safewith right now?
And that's absolutely real,right, there are seasons in our
(13:59):
life where we just don't havesomebody and it feels very
lonely and very isolating.
It'd be really painful.
Back to that physical pain,right, it can be that real for
us because it is that real.
But it's not the end of thestory.
We don't have to settle there.
And what we also don't have todo is just go out and have
random relationships.
Random relationships wherethere's no connection actually
(14:21):
will increase your sense ofloneliness and isolation because
it's hitting and releasingdifferent chemicals in our brain
than true, authenticrelationship, true connection.
Remember the distance betweenthe connection that I want to
feel and the connection that I'mexperiencing.
So when we have shallowrelationships or shallow
connections that aren'tmeaningful, or we're having
(14:41):
hookups or whatever that storyis.
That is not going to meet theneed that we have okay, for
connection.
It's actually going to worsenthe problem.
We're going to go through thisup and down cycle and then the
crash is much more severe andthe realization of loneliness is
much more severe.
So please, if you'reexperiencing a lot of loneliness
(15:02):
, don't try to just simplymedicate it.
Start trying to address itthrough developing connection.
Now, if you don't have thoseconnections, the first thing
that you can do to startcreating those connections are
to join spaces that are builtfor emotional honesty, things
like therapy groups, supportgroups for men or women,
coaching communities.
(15:22):
I mean, all of these things arebuilt for authentic connection.
Take the risk Join a runningclub or a cooking club or
whatever it is, to put yourselfout there, to take that risk and
to start developing someconnection.
Might take a little bit morework if you don't have that
already, but once again, you'reworthy of this work.
And while you're doing that workto find those places to start
(15:45):
building and creating thatconnection, take that time to
also start doing some of yourown internal work to create
emotional safety within yourself, because connection that we
want to feel does require us tolet down some of those walls, to
feel safe, to start beingvulnerable, real, authentic, and
(16:07):
that's a risk, and so we haveto do some work within ourselves
to allow ourselves to come tothat place.
We can do things likejournaling honestly, like what
are some of your fears and whathave you been avoiding, et
cetera.
All of that can help.
So in the meantime, whileyou're working towards creating
those safe connections, you canstart creating a safe internal
(16:27):
connection with yourself and, asa result, you're going to be a
lot more likely to be open andyou're going to start finding,
in very micro ways in thebeginning, authentic connection
and you're going to startclosing the gap between the
connection that you want and theconnection that you feel.
So let me just remind you of afew things real quick.
Being lonely doesn't mean you'rebroken, that there's something
(16:48):
wrong with you.
It means you're human, it meansyour nervous system is asking
for something that's real.
It's asking for what it's wiredto have.
And then the reality of aculture and a world that has
gotten shallower and shallowerand less and less connection.
No wonder it's been so hard foryou to find that connection
that you want.
So don't be so hard on yourself, okay, and you not being hard
(17:09):
on yourself and practicingself-compassion towards yourself
is actually going to help youmake even deeper connections,
because you're going to be lessafraid to show your authentic
self when you feel better aboutyourself.
And also remember this key pointbecause, remember, this is
about the thing that anybody cando to start addressing
loneliness.
This doesn't take 50 newfriends.
(17:31):
You don't have to be the mostpopular person on the planet.
You don't have to jump throughall those hoops or do all that
stuff.
It's just finding oneconnection, one moment of
realness, and starting to buildon that.
Anybody can do that, and youmight have a story as to why you
can't.
Can I encourage you Worked witha lot of people Haven't found
anybody yet who can't start tomove towards building connection
(17:55):
, taking the risk and finding atleast one other person on this
planet to start to buildsomething that feels like a
connection and it starts toaddress that sense of loneliness
that you've been carrying forso long.
And I want to remind you thatyou are worthy of a life that
feels as good on the inside asit looks on the outside.
Hello everybody and welcome to Personal Mastery
.
I'm your host, jerry Henderson,and if you're ready to create a
life that feels as good on theinside as it looks on the
outside, you're in the rightplace.
Let's get started.
Today, in this episode, I'mgoing to share the one thing
that anybody can do to help themstop feeling so lonely.
(00:21):
And if you're new here, I'mJerry.
I'm trained in the psychologyof human behavior at Harvard
University and every week, Ishare evidence-based tools to
help you create a life that youlove, and I want to let you know
that I'm so grateful thatyou're here today.
So let's talk about loneliness.
Loneliness is not about beingalone.
It's about being unseen, it'sabout not feeling understood,
(00:45):
not feeling connected and,fundamentally, at its core, what
loneliness is is it's the gapbetween the connection that you
want, that you wish you had, andthe connection that you
actually feel Now.
I think it's also importantthat we understand what
loneliness actually does to ourbrain, to our bodies, to our
overall health, and, just as anexample of the impact that
(01:06):
loneliness can have on usphysically, in 2023 in the
United States, the SurgeonGeneral called loneliness a
public health crisis on par withsmoking 15 cigarettes a day.
That's the negative impact thatit has on you physically, and
so if you're an individual whohas felt misunderstood because
it's felt so physical to you,can I let you know you're not
(01:28):
alone.
It is having a physical impacton you.
Now, additional research onloneliness has shown that it
activates the same pain centersin the brain as physical injury.
Blew me away when I saw that italso raises the risk of heart
disease, stroke, anxiety anddepression.
It also lowers dopamine,serotonin, oxytocin the very
(01:52):
chemicals that help us feelconnected, motivated and alive.
Now here's something that'sreally wild about how we're
wired as human beings in ourdesire to not be alone, to not
be able to tolerate alonenessvery well.
There was a study that was donein 2014 that asked people to
sit alone in a room with theirthoughts for 15 minutes.
(02:12):
They didn't get to have theirphone, they didn't get to have
music, nothing.
And you know what happened 67%of men and 25% of women chose to
give themselves an electricshock rather than sit alone in
silence.
Here's the truth about it.
Here's why I bring it up Toshow you that if you're
struggling to be alone, you'renot weak.
(02:36):
You're experiencing somethingthat's really common, and a lot
of people will judge themselvesand other people will judge
people about somebody'sinability or their lack of
capacity to be alone.
Guys, it's really tough.
You know, I spent two yearstraveling nomadically in order
for me to understand how to bealone with myself, and I had an
(02:57):
experience during that time.
I was in San Sebastian, spain.
I was looking at this beautifulsunset and I'm all by myself,
right, solo traveling.
And solo traveling is one thingthat I recommend that anybody
who can do does do, because itdoes help us get a healthier
relationship with ourselves whenwe have to practice being with
(03:17):
ourselves.
I mean, the only way you canget comfortable being with you
is by being with you.
And so, anyway, I'm in SanSebastian, spain, beautiful
sunset is happening, and I hadthis thought man, I'd love to
have somebody here with me rightnow to experience this with.
But then I had a second thoughtthat kicked up that said, even
if somebody was with you rightnow, you'd still be alone.
(03:41):
And that thought hit me like aton of bricks.
Because it was true, I wouldstill be alone, because I was
always alone, I was alwayswithdrawn, I had all my walls up
, I felt so bad about myself, Ididn't want anybody else to know
about me, the way that I feltabout me.
I've felt very isolated in mylife, no matter what
relationships were in my life,and people always told me I know
(04:02):
you, but I don't know you.
The connection that I wantedonce again versus the connection
that I felt was such a massivegap there and that became my MO.
That's the way that I lived mylife and what I had to do was
get really intentional abouthealing that, and it first
started with healing myrelationship with myself,
(04:22):
learning to be comfortable withme and then learning how to make
connection with other people.
Now here's a big question thatcomes up around this space is
that can you heal lonelinesswithout other people?
And here's the honest answeryou can do the inner work, the
journaling, the nervous systemregulation, the mindfulness
practices, and all of that helps.
(04:42):
It helps a lot actually.
It really does help repair ourrelationship with ourselves and
you can learn to be okay in yourpresence and not use
relationships to distract youfrom yourself, to distract you
from the way that you feel aboutyourself.
And that's a lot of what peopledo in relationships today and
that's why they can feel lonelyeven when they're in
relationships.
So, to answer the question, canwe heal loneliness all by
(05:07):
ourselves?
The research shows us that wecan't fully heal that, that
chronic loneliness, that we needat least one emotionally safe
relationship to begin to addressthat chronic sense of
loneliness that so many peoplecarry today.
And here's the truth we're moreconnected than ever.
I know we hear this all thetime.
(05:27):
Right, we're more connectedthan ever and more disconnected
than ever.
But it's so true.
We have all of these ways ofconnecting, but loneliness is
increasing, increasing all ofthe time.
Why?
Because, once again, it's aboutthe connection that I feel like
I need versus the connectionthat I get.
I want somebody to know me, Iwant to be seen in relationship
(05:49):
and in order for me to be seenin relationship, I need to feel
safe in that relationship.
And the truth is most peopledon't know anymore how to make
their partners, their friends,the people that they love, feel
safe in those relationships.
So, whether we like it or not,we're social mammals.
Okay, we need connection.
(06:10):
We're wired for co-regulation.
That's how we're built.
We learn so much about love andour lovability in relationships
.
Once again, whether or not welike it and I'm a big guy on
self-love, you can listen to alot of the stuff that I've put
out and read my book.
I'm very much in the space ofself-love, self-compassion,
(06:31):
self-acceptance, and that I canlearn to love myself, even if I
haven't had that as a part of mystory, my origin story growing
up, which was my case.
But the truth is, even self-loveis not going to fully deal with
the fact that we are thesesocial mammals who need
connection, that we releaseoxytocin when we're in
(06:53):
connection and all of thesethings that happen that help us
address the sense of loneliness.
And this can be tough,especially if we've experienced
trauma, especially if we've hadpainful life experiences that
teach us not to trust people.
I talk about this that when weexperience trauma, it's not what
happens to us, it's whathappens inside in us.
(07:15):
That really is what trauma isabout, and we make some
decisions.
We make a decision about lifeIs life fair or unfair?
We make decisions aboutourselves.
Am I worthy of love?
Not worthy of love?
We also make decisions aboutpeople.
Are people worthy of being letin and are they going to hurt me
?
That's a normal response tothose painful life experiences.
(07:36):
The truth is and there's a bigstudy that I talk a lot about at
Harvard.
It's the longest study abouthuman well-being and it says the
most important thing thatcreates well-being, that creates
happiness, that deals withloneliness, is human connection.
And once again, it only takesone relationship.
We only need one relationshipthat we feel connected to,
(07:57):
that's safe, to help us addressthe feelings of loneliness.
So what can we do?
What's that one proven thingthat anybody can do to start
addressing loneliness?
Start building one emotionallysafe, meaningful connection.
That's it, just one.
(08:18):
And this isn't about becoming anextrovert or getting more likes
on Instagram or whatever, orfixing all of your relationships
.
It's not about that.
This is simply about finding orcreating one relationship where
you can be real, your authenticself, where you don't have to
pretend, where you can feel seen, you can feel heard and you can
(08:39):
feel accepted.
I often tell people we all needone fully disclosing
relationship in our life wherewe can be us and be accepted for
who we are.
And when that happens, not onlydoes it start to address the
ache that we have, because itstarts to release all those
positive chemicals, it starts toaddress all of the stories that
(09:00):
we have, because now we'refeeling seen and, as a result of
that, our bodies start torespond to that, the chemicals
start to respond to that, thebrain starts to fire and wire
all around this and anotherthing that happens is it starts
to reverse those biologicaleffects of loneliness the impact
that it's having that'sequivalent to smoking 15
cigarettes a day, or causing usto feel anxious, agitated,
depressed of loneliness theimpact that it's having that's
equivalent to smoking 15cigarettes a day, or causing us
(09:21):
to feel anxious, agitated,depressed.
All of those things can beginto get reversed when we make
that connection with just oneperson.
That's it, guys, just oneperson.
So how do you do this?
How do you start to build thatconnection?
There's three really simplethings that you can do, and the
first one is identify one person, someone you trust, maybe a
(09:42):
friend, a sibling, a formermentor or somebody you haven't
spoken to in a while.
Don't overthink it too much.
Just choose one person that youthink you could make a
connection with, that you couldstart developing a safe,
life-giving relationship with.
Now, if you'd like some help onyour journey of developing a
healthier relationship withyourself and feeling like you
(10:03):
can be more transparent and bemore vulnerable in relationships
, I want to encourage you tocheck out my one-on-one coaching
program called Personal Mastery.
For more information about theprogram, you can simply see the
show notes in this episode.
You'll find a link there whereyou can set up a free strategy
call where we can connect andsee if working together is the
right fit.
I'm really looking forward toconnecting with you, learning
(10:25):
more about your goals and, mostimportantly, learning more about
you Now.
If you haven't had a chance yetto subscribe to or to follow
this podcast, I want to take amoment and encourage you to do
that so that you don't miss outon a single episode.
Also, if you've not had achance yet to leave a review, I
want to encourage you to do thatas well, because the more
reviews that we get, the morelikely this podcast is going to
(10:47):
find its way to people who needto hear the message about how to
have a healthy relationshipwith themselves.
And I really do just want tolet you know that I'm grateful
that you're here and I'mgrateful that you're part of
this community.
The second step reach out, senda message and keep it simple and
keep it honest.
Try something like hey, I'vebeen realizing lately I miss
(11:09):
real connection.
I mean, everybody gets thatright Today.
We're missing this sense ofreal connection and you can say
something to them like that andI'm sure it will resonate with
them as well and just tell themhey, I'd love to find some time
to catch up.
You don't need a script, youdon't need to overthink it, just
be honest about it.
(11:29):
What you're really trying to dohere is to make some real,
authentic connection.
And if a person doesn'tunderstand that guess what?
They're not the person at thismoment, in this time, to be able
to make that connection withand move on to another person.
And what we're going to have todo is overcome that fear of
rejection.
Like what?
If they don't want to gettogether, that's okay.
It says more about wherethey're at right now than it
does about you.
You're looking for a realconnection in this time,
(11:52):
something to build on.
And if a person doesn't want todo that, honor that respect,
that that's where they're at.
And then do the work to find thenext person.
Listen, you're worth findingsomebody to connect with, to
build this relationship with, sothat you can start to deal with
that sense of loneliness.
Don't allow yourself to keepcarrying this around.
(12:12):
Take the risk.
One of the things that healsloneliness is taking the risk to
put ourselves out there tostart making connection.
Which then leads me to thethird step of building these
connections Be real when youtalk, take an emotional risk,
don't just keep it all surfacelevel.
And I'm not saying you have tohave this full-blown moment
(12:33):
where you're like puttingeverything on the table and we
like scare people off right.
I'm not saying that, I'm justsaying having maybe one honest
line during the conversation, atsome point you can say
something like hey, honestly,I've been feeling kind of
disconnected lately, or I'vebeen trying to be more real with
the people that I care about,make some deeper connections at
(12:56):
this season of my life.
And what that's going to do isa couple of things.
One, it's going to signal tothem that you're wanting some
connection, okay, and you'redoing it in a way that is safe,
that's not overbearing over thetop, but just kind of putting it
out there.
But what it's also doing it'sallowing that little tiny moment
of vulnerability, that littletiny moment of vulnerability,
that little glimpse of it, tostart creating the safety that
(13:17):
you're craving.
Right, you put it out there, bemet with some yeah, me too or
some empathy, some understanding, and that connection starts to
build and you start to feel seenand that can start to address
that loneliness.
And, once again, if theperson's not interested, that's
okay.
It's just not the right personfor this season of life and it
means nothing about you.
(13:38):
Okay, we'll get in there andwe'll make those stories about
rejection.
It's not about rejection, it'sabout that person's just not, in
this moment, ready to make thattype of connection and that's
okay.
All right.
Now you might be thinking toyourself but what if I don't
have anybody that I feel safewith right now?
And that's absolutely real,right, there are seasons in our
(13:59):
life where we just don't havesomebody and it feels very
lonely and very isolating.
It'd be really painful.
Back to that physical pain,right, it can be that real for
us because it is that real.
But it's not the end of thestory.
We don't have to settle there.
And what we also don't have todo is just go out and have
random relationships.
Random relationships wherethere's no connection actually
(14:21):
will increase your sense ofloneliness and isolation because
it's hitting and releasingdifferent chemicals in our brain
than true, authenticrelationship, true connection.
Remember the distance betweenthe connection that I want to
feel and the connection that I'mexperiencing.
So when we have shallowrelationships or shallow
connections that aren'tmeaningful, or we're having
(14:41):
hookups or whatever that storyis.
That is not going to meet theneed that we have okay, for
connection.
It's actually going to worsenthe problem.
We're going to go through thisup and down cycle and then the
crash is much more severe andthe realization of loneliness is
much more severe.
So please, if you'reexperiencing a lot of loneliness
(15:02):
, don't try to just simplymedicate it.
Start trying to address itthrough developing connection.
Now, if you don't have thoseconnections, the first thing
that you can do to startcreating those connections are
to join spaces that are builtfor emotional honesty, things
like therapy groups, supportgroups for men or women,
coaching communities.
(15:22):
I mean, all of these things arebuilt for authentic connection.
Take the risk Join a runningclub or a cooking club or
whatever it is, to put yourselfout there, to take that risk and
to start developing someconnection.
Might take a little bit morework if you don't have that
already, but once again, you'reworthy of this work.
And while you're doing that workto find those places to start
(15:45):
building and creating thatconnection, take that time to
also start doing some of yourown internal work to create
emotional safety within yourself, because connection that we
want to feel does require us tolet down some of those walls, to
feel safe, to start beingvulnerable, real, authentic, and
(16:07):
that's a risk, and so we haveto do some work within ourselves
to allow ourselves to come tothat place.
We can do things likejournaling honestly, like what
are some of your fears and whathave you been avoiding, et
cetera.
All of that can help.
So in the meantime, whileyou're working towards creating
those safe connections, you canstart creating a safe internal
(16:27):
connection with yourself and, asa result, you're going to be a
lot more likely to be open andyou're going to start finding,
in very micro ways in thebeginning, authentic connection
and you're going to startclosing the gap between the
connection that you want and theconnection that you feel.
So let me just remind you of afew things real quick.
Being lonely doesn't mean you'rebroken, that there's something
(16:48):
wrong with you.
It means you're human, it meansyour nervous system is asking
for something that's real.
It's asking for what it's wiredto have.
And then the reality of aculture and a world that has
gotten shallower and shallowerand less and less connection.
No wonder it's been so hard foryou to find that connection
that you want.
So don't be so hard on yourself, okay, and you not being hard
(17:09):
on yourself and practicingself-compassion towards yourself
is actually going to help youmake even deeper connections,
because you're going to be lessafraid to show your authentic
self when you feel better aboutyourself.
And also remember this key pointbecause, remember, this is
about the thing that anybody cando to start addressing
loneliness.
This doesn't take 50 newfriends.
(17:31):
You don't have to be the mostpopular person on the planet.
You don't have to jump throughall those hoops or do all that
stuff.
It's just finding oneconnection, one moment of
realness, and starting to buildon that.
Anybody can do that, and youmight have a story as to why you
can't.
Can I encourage you Worked witha lot of people Haven't found
anybody yet who can't start tomove towards building connection
(17:55):
, taking the risk and finding atleast one other person on this
planet to start to buildsomething that feels like a
connection and it starts toaddress that sense of loneliness
that you've been carrying forso long.
And I want to remind you thatyou are worthy of a life that
feels as good on the inside asit looks on the outside.
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