July 7, 2025 • 13 mins
How to heal from shame can be really tricky especially if you don't know what it is and how it manifests in your life.
In this episode, Jerry shares 5 powerful truths that he wishes he would have known about shame earlier.
Shame is one of the most toxic and misunderstood emotional wounds—especially for high-achieviers who look successful on the outside but feel unworthy on the inside.
In this episode you’ll learn:
- What shame actually is
- How it develops as a coping mechanism from trauma and early pain
- Why so many of us unconsciously get addicted to it.
- Tips on how to start healing shame
Jerry also shares personal insights on how shame hijacks your identity, tricks your brain, and what it truly takes to heal from it.
If you’ve ever struggled with feeling broken, not enough, or stuck in shame, this episode will give you the clarity and tools to begin your healing journey.
I am grateful you are here,
Jerry
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jerry Henderson (00:00):
Hello everybody and welcome to Personal Mastery
.
I'm your host, jerry Henderson,and if you're ready to create a
life that feels as good on theinside as it looks on the
outside, you're in the rightplace.
Let's get started.
Today, in this episode, I'mgoing to be sharing with you
five things that I wish I wouldhave known about shame, because,
(00:21):
the truth is, shame reallymessed up my life and I wish I
would have known the things thatI'm going to be sharing a long,
long time ago.
So let's get started.
The first thing that I wish Iwould have known about shame is
I wish I would have known whatit is.
I had no idea what shame was.
I didn't know that.
The feeling that I carriedabout myself for over four
(00:43):
decades, that feeling that therewas something wrong with me,
that I was uniquely broken, wasa thing, and that thing is
called shame, and it's a thingthat's very common, and I'm not
the only one who was dealingwith it.
You see, that feeling thatthere's something wrong with you
is what shame is.
There's guilt, which is I didsomething wrong, and then
(01:03):
there's shame, which is I didsomething wrong, and then
there's shame, which is I amsomething wrong, and so if
you're carrying that feeling,that's what shame is.
I didn't know that.
I didn't know there was a thingcalled shame that actually
existed.
I just knew the way that I feltabout myself.
I felt terrible about myself, alot of self-loathing.
That self-loathing caused me toact out in ways that were
(01:27):
self-destructive, even thoughexternally I was very successful
.
Internally I didn't feel thatway.
Lots of self-hatred, lots ofself-loathing, and it would have
saved me a lot of trouble justto know what shame was.
The second thing that I wish Iwould have known is that shame
is a coping mechanism.
Shame doesn't just come out ofnowhere.
We're not born with it.
(01:48):
It's something that we developin order to stay safe and to
survive, and you might bethinking to yourself how in the
heck could shame be somethingthat's helping me stay safe or
helping me survive?
It's like super destructive,this way that I feel.
Let me just have you think aboutit this way for a second.
If you've experienced trauma orearly childhood pain, or what
(02:11):
is known as ACEs, adversechildhood experiences, or even
later in life in a toxic,abusive relationship, you might
develop shame the feeling thatthere's something wrong with me
as a way to stay safe.
So let's think about it as akid.
If you have a father or amother that's abusive or is
neglective and doesn't know howto take care of you, it's not a
really safe decision and I justwant to make a note here that
your brain's not consciouslymaking these decisions as a
(02:33):
young person.
But either way, it's not a safedecision for your subconscious
or conscious mind to make thedecision that your parent is
incapable of taking care of you.
Your dependency rests on them,your survival is in their hands,
and so if you make the decisionthey don't have the capacity to
take care of you.
(02:54):
That's a very dangerousdecision to make.
So it's a much safer decision todecide there's something wrong
with you as a coping mechanism,as a way to stay safe, because
what that allows you to do is itgives you a sense of control
that you can now scan yourselfand say well, maybe if I don't
act this way, you know dad won'tbeat me up, or maybe if I don't
(03:18):
act this way, mom will acceptme, or if I do this, I'll be
able to please them and I'll beable to stay safe.
So I keep looking for what'swrong with me, that I'm
experiencing that rejection, andit's just so natural for us to
make the decision that there'ssomething wrong with us when our
little brains are thinking that, well, they're adults, they
(03:39):
should know how to do adultthings.
They should know how to expresslove, and if they're not giving
that to me, then what's adultthings?
They should know how to expresslove, and if they're not giving
that to me, then what's wrongwith me and how can I now change
to get that love to stay safe,et cetera.
So it would have been extremelyhelpful for me to know that,
that I developed that sense thatthere's something wrong with me
, the sense of shame, in orderto keep me safe that it wasn't
(04:03):
something that was true.
It was just a little boy's mindthat had experienced pain, who
was trying to figure out theworld.
Now, the third thing that wouldhave been really helpful for me
to know is that you can getaddicted to shame, and this
surprised me more than anythingelse, and I remember when I
realized it, I was in rehab mysecond stay in rehab, trying to
get sober, and I just come outof a group therapy session where
(04:29):
they were talking about how ourbodies and our brains can get
addicted to alcohol and thatroutine and as I was taking a
shower, all of a sudden allthese feelings of shame started
to come up.
And I was reliving the past andjust feeling terrible about
myself and call it grace orwhatever.
But something hit me in thatmoment and I had the thought
that said oh my gosh, I'maddicted to that way of thinking
(04:49):
, just like my brain and my bodygot addicted to alcohol.
I'm addicted to feelingterrible about myself.
I've become so familiar withthat feeling that I repeat it,
and if I ever start to feel goodabout myself, I kick up a
thought as to why I shouldn'tfeel good about myself.
My body and my brain are tryingto bring me back to what it
(05:09):
thinks is home, what it thinksis my survival, which is shame,
which is feeling like there'ssomething wrong with me, so I
can keep trying to figure outhow to fix myself.
And so, just like you can getaddicted to any other feeling,
you can get addicted to shame,and you can keep pulling
yourself back to it over andover.
(05:30):
Now the fourth thing I wish Iwould have known about shame is
that shame will trick you intothinking that you are the shame.
It's super sticky, it's liketar.
It just like absorbs you.
I have a quote that I wrote inone of my books about shame is a
devious parasite.
It tricks the host intothinking that they are the shame
(05:50):
, because shame doesn't say youhave shame.
Shame says you are shame, youare shameful, there's something
bad and wrong about you.
And when you realize this ishow shame works that you're not
alone, in that you're not theonly one carrying that feeling,
it can really help open up youreyes to what's going on.
And when I realized that thatthat's how it works it's MO.
(06:14):
It allowed me to startdis-identifying from shame, to
put distance from me and it, andI often say in my coaching all
we need to do is get a littlebit of distance between us and
the shame for us to see whatshame is.
We just need a little crack forthat light to shine through so
that we can see that we are notthe shame.
(06:36):
It is something that we learned.
It's a coping mechanism.
It's something that weinherited, given to us by other
people, but it is not us.
It is a protective part tryingto keep us safe.
So if you feel like you areshame, that you are shameful, I
just want to let you know.
That's exactly how shame works.
(06:56):
That's what it is, and so it'snot you.
It is that deceptive part ofshame to make you think that you
are it, so that you can neverget free from it.
Now, the fifth thing I wish Iwould have known and this is the
best of all of it that you canactually heal from it, that
you're not stuck with it for therest of your life, that there
are strategies that you can useto be free from shame once and
(07:20):
for all.
Now, I will note it's not aquick process and, of course,
everybody has their own timelineon how they heal from shame.
Shame is sticky, it does echo,it does resurface from time to
time, and that is simply becauseof how shame works that I've
already shared, that it tricksus into thinking that we're it,
(07:41):
we get addicted to it, it'ssomething that kept us safe, and
so all of that makes it alittle bit extra sticky to get
rid of.
And so if you're struggling onyour journey of healing from
shame and it keeps coming backand you see that as evidence as
to why you'll never heal from itand why you're the only one who
will stay stuck in this patternforever, that's all the voice
(08:03):
of shame.
And what I want to do right nowis just give you a couple of
tips about how to heal fromshame, and number one is to
practice radical self-compassion.
And this is going to feel veryunfamiliar to your system as you
start to practice it, becauseyou've been so busy beating
yourself up, judging yourself,to now start moving towards
(08:24):
self-compassion.
It's going to feel reallyawkward.
It did for me for months, ifnot years.
Okay, that's normal, but youneed to start practicing
self-compassion.
It's like the antidote forshame.
Begin treating yourself likesomebody who's worthy of love,
somebody who is worthy of goodthings, even if you don't feel
(08:46):
like it.
You're not going to feel likeit.
It's going to bounce off yournervous system.
That's okay.
You're retraining yourself.
You're moving from what feelscomfortable for you right now
shame to something that feelsuncomfortable self-acceptance,
self-compassion.
You're just not used to it.
That's all that.
It is Don't believe the voiceof shame that says that you
(09:07):
don't deserve those things.
Once again, that's thestickiness and the deviousness
of shame.
It'll push against that realityof what you truly are worthy of
, to try to pull you back tosomething that, once again, you
think is going to keep you safe.
The second tip I can give you isto get help for the things that
caused the shame.
Shame is a byproduct of theexperiences that we've had in
(09:30):
life, whether it was trauma,toxic relationships, other
painful life experiences.
We developed shame as a resultof it, and it can be even our
own experiences, our owndecisions and choices that we've
made, that we can't seem toforgive ourselves for.
Listen, you deserve forgiveness.
I know that as soon as I saidthat, there might have been five
things that came up in yourmind as to why you don't, but
(09:54):
you do.
I encourage you right now.
You deserve forgiveness.
You deserve to get healing fromthe things that cause shame to
happen in your life, whetherthat was through somebody else,
life experiences or your ownactions.
You can heal the sources ofshame and as you heal those,
shame will begin to lessen inyour life because you won't need
(10:17):
it anymore as a copingmechanism to keep you safe from
the things that originally hurtyou.
Now the third thing that youcan do to start bringing healing
is bring it into the light.
Shame thrives in secrecy and DrBrene Brown does a lot of work
around this and vulnerabilityand being met with empathy, and
it is so true that shame beginsto die when it's brought into
(10:41):
the light, and I know it can bescary to bring that into the
light.
I know, I know.
I know personally I'll tell youat some point about my
experiences of why it was soscary for me to bring the
struggles that I had into thelight.
Because I was afraid ofjudgment.
I was afraid of so many things,and that's what happens with
shame.
We are so afraid of what otherpeople are going to think about
(11:03):
us that us bringing it into thelight is going to reinforce the
fact that, yeah, there issomething wrong with us and
people are going to think thatway about us.
But the truth is it is going tobe really important for you to
find relationships that you cantrust, that you can be
vulnerable.
With that you can bring thisstuff into the light and be met
(11:24):
with empathy, to be met with ayeah, me too, I've been there.
See, we all think our story isthe worst because we've lived it
.
But the truth is we all carryour wounds.
We all carry the things thatwe're ashamed of.
But when we take the risk andwe share our pain and we're
vulnerable and we're met withempathy, shame begins to die, we
(11:48):
no longer feel alone and webegin to heal in connection and
we start to feel the freedom ofwhat a life feels like when you
no longer have to carry thatfeeling that there's something
wrong with you and you begin totruly get free from shame.
So those are just a few of thethings that I wish I would have
(12:09):
known and some tips that canhelp heal.
And let me encourage you, nomatter where you're at on your
journey of dealing with shamehealing from shame you're not
alone in it.
It's never too late.
I didn't start to get healingand freedom from it until I was
almost 50 years old.
As an additional resource foryou on overcoming shame, I do
work with individuals one-on-onein my coaching program.
(12:30):
If you'd like more informationabout that, you can simply see
the show notes in this episode.
In there you'll find a link tomy website.
You'll also find a link thereto set up a free strategy call
so that we can connect and seeif working together is the right
fit.
So if you're ready to startcreating a life that you truly
love, set up that free strategycall.
I'm looking forward to meetingyou, getting to know more about
the goals that you have and,most importantly, learning more
(12:52):
about you, and I want to remindyou that you are worthy of a
life that feels as good on theinside as
Hello everybody and welcome to Personal Mastery
.
I'm your host, jerry Henderson,and if you're ready to create a
life that feels as good on theinside as it looks on the
outside, you're in the rightplace.
Let's get started.
Today, in this episode, I'mgoing to be sharing with you
five things that I wish I wouldhave known about shame, because,
(00:21):
the truth is, shame reallymessed up my life and I wish I
would have known the things thatI'm going to be sharing a long,
long time ago.
So let's get started.
The first thing that I wish Iwould have known about shame is
I wish I would have known whatit is.
I had no idea what shame was.
I didn't know that.
The feeling that I carriedabout myself for over four
(00:43):
decades, that feeling that therewas something wrong with me,
that I was uniquely broken, wasa thing, and that thing is
called shame, and it's a thingthat's very common, and I'm not
the only one who was dealingwith it.
You see, that feeling thatthere's something wrong with you
is what shame is.
There's guilt, which is I didsomething wrong, and then
(01:03):
there's shame, which is I didsomething wrong, and then
there's shame, which is I amsomething wrong, and so if
you're carrying that feeling,that's what shame is.
I didn't know that.
I didn't know there was a thingcalled shame that actually
existed.
I just knew the way that I feltabout myself.
I felt terrible about myself, alot of self-loathing.
That self-loathing caused me toact out in ways that were
(01:27):
self-destructive, even thoughexternally I was very successful
.
Internally I didn't feel thatway.
Lots of self-hatred, lots ofself-loathing, and it would have
saved me a lot of trouble justto know what shame was.
The second thing that I wish Iwould have known is that shame
is a coping mechanism.
Shame doesn't just come out ofnowhere.
We're not born with it.
(01:48):
It's something that we developin order to stay safe and to
survive, and you might bethinking to yourself how in the
heck could shame be somethingthat's helping me stay safe or
helping me survive?
It's like super destructive,this way that I feel.
Let me just have you think aboutit this way for a second.
If you've experienced trauma orearly childhood pain, or what
(02:11):
is known as ACEs, adversechildhood experiences, or even
later in life in a toxic,abusive relationship, you might
develop shame the feeling thatthere's something wrong with me
as a way to stay safe.
So let's think about it as akid.
If you have a father or amother that's abusive or is
neglective and doesn't know howto take care of you, it's not a
really safe decision and I justwant to make a note here that
your brain's not consciouslymaking these decisions as a
(02:33):
young person.
But either way, it's not a safedecision for your subconscious
or conscious mind to make thedecision that your parent is
incapable of taking care of you.
Your dependency rests on them,your survival is in their hands,
and so if you make the decisionthey don't have the capacity to
take care of you.
(02:54):
That's a very dangerousdecision to make.
So it's a much safer decision todecide there's something wrong
with you as a coping mechanism,as a way to stay safe, because
what that allows you to do is itgives you a sense of control
that you can now scan yourselfand say well, maybe if I don't
act this way, you know dad won'tbeat me up, or maybe if I don't
(03:18):
act this way, mom will acceptme, or if I do this, I'll be
able to please them and I'll beable to stay safe.
So I keep looking for what'swrong with me, that I'm
experiencing that rejection, andit's just so natural for us to
make the decision that there'ssomething wrong with us when our
little brains are thinking that, well, they're adults, they
(03:39):
should know how to do adultthings.
They should know how to expresslove, and if they're not giving
that to me, then what's adultthings?
They should know how to expresslove, and if they're not giving
that to me, then what's wrongwith me and how can I now change
to get that love to stay safe,et cetera.
So it would have been extremelyhelpful for me to know that,
that I developed that sense thatthere's something wrong with me
, the sense of shame, in orderto keep me safe that it wasn't
(04:03):
something that was true.
It was just a little boy's mindthat had experienced pain, who
was trying to figure out theworld.
Now, the third thing that wouldhave been really helpful for me
to know is that you can getaddicted to shame, and this
surprised me more than anythingelse, and I remember when I
realized it, I was in rehab mysecond stay in rehab, trying to
get sober, and I just come outof a group therapy session where
(04:29):
they were talking about how ourbodies and our brains can get
addicted to alcohol and thatroutine and as I was taking a
shower, all of a sudden allthese feelings of shame started
to come up.
And I was reliving the past andjust feeling terrible about
myself and call it grace orwhatever.
But something hit me in thatmoment and I had the thought
that said oh my gosh, I'maddicted to that way of thinking
(04:49):
, just like my brain and my bodygot addicted to alcohol.
I'm addicted to feelingterrible about myself.
I've become so familiar withthat feeling that I repeat it,
and if I ever start to feel goodabout myself, I kick up a
thought as to why I shouldn'tfeel good about myself.
My body and my brain are tryingto bring me back to what it
(05:09):
thinks is home, what it thinksis my survival, which is shame,
which is feeling like there'ssomething wrong with me, so I
can keep trying to figure outhow to fix myself.
And so, just like you can getaddicted to any other feeling,
you can get addicted to shame,and you can keep pulling
yourself back to it over andover.
(05:30):
Now the fourth thing I wish Iwould have known about shame is
that shame will trick you intothinking that you are the shame.
It's super sticky, it's liketar.
It just like absorbs you.
I have a quote that I wrote inone of my books about shame is a
devious parasite.
It tricks the host intothinking that they are the shame
(05:50):
, because shame doesn't say youhave shame.
Shame says you are shame, youare shameful, there's something
bad and wrong about you.
And when you realize this ishow shame works that you're not
alone, in that you're not theonly one carrying that feeling,
it can really help open up youreyes to what's going on.
And when I realized that thatthat's how it works it's MO.
(06:14):
It allowed me to startdis-identifying from shame, to
put distance from me and it, andI often say in my coaching all
we need to do is get a littlebit of distance between us and
the shame for us to see whatshame is.
We just need a little crack forthat light to shine through so
that we can see that we are notthe shame.
(06:36):
It is something that we learned.
It's a coping mechanism.
It's something that weinherited, given to us by other
people, but it is not us.
It is a protective part tryingto keep us safe.
So if you feel like you areshame, that you are shameful, I
just want to let you know.
That's exactly how shame works.
(06:56):
That's what it is, and so it'snot you.
It is that deceptive part ofshame to make you think that you
are it, so that you can neverget free from it.
Now, the fifth thing I wish Iwould have known and this is the
best of all of it that you canactually heal from it, that
you're not stuck with it for therest of your life, that there
are strategies that you can useto be free from shame once and
(07:20):
for all.
Now, I will note it's not aquick process and, of course,
everybody has their own timelineon how they heal from shame.
Shame is sticky, it does echo,it does resurface from time to
time, and that is simply becauseof how shame works that I've
already shared, that it tricksus into thinking that we're it,
(07:41):
we get addicted to it, it'ssomething that kept us safe, and
so all of that makes it alittle bit extra sticky to get
rid of.
And so if you're struggling onyour journey of healing from
shame and it keeps coming backand you see that as evidence as
to why you'll never heal from itand why you're the only one who
will stay stuck in this patternforever, that's all the voice
(08:03):
of shame.
And what I want to do right nowis just give you a couple of
tips about how to heal fromshame, and number one is to
practice radical self-compassion.
And this is going to feel veryunfamiliar to your system as you
start to practice it, becauseyou've been so busy beating
yourself up, judging yourself,to now start moving towards
(08:24):
self-compassion.
It's going to feel reallyawkward.
It did for me for months, ifnot years.
Okay, that's normal, but youneed to start practicing
self-compassion.
It's like the antidote forshame.
Begin treating yourself likesomebody who's worthy of love,
somebody who is worthy of goodthings, even if you don't feel
(08:46):
like it.
You're not going to feel likeit.
It's going to bounce off yournervous system.
That's okay.
You're retraining yourself.
You're moving from what feelscomfortable for you right now
shame to something that feelsuncomfortable self-acceptance,
self-compassion.
You're just not used to it.
That's all that.
It is Don't believe the voiceof shame that says that you
(09:07):
don't deserve those things.
Once again, that's thestickiness and the deviousness
of shame.
It'll push against that realityof what you truly are worthy of
, to try to pull you back tosomething that, once again, you
think is going to keep you safe.
The second tip I can give you isto get help for the things that
caused the shame.
Shame is a byproduct of theexperiences that we've had in
(09:30):
life, whether it was trauma,toxic relationships, other
painful life experiences.
We developed shame as a resultof it, and it can be even our
own experiences, our owndecisions and choices that we've
made, that we can't seem toforgive ourselves for.
Listen, you deserve forgiveness.
I know that as soon as I saidthat, there might have been five
things that came up in yourmind as to why you don't, but
(09:54):
you do.
I encourage you right now.
You deserve forgiveness.
You deserve to get healing fromthe things that cause shame to
happen in your life, whetherthat was through somebody else,
life experiences or your ownactions.
You can heal the sources ofshame and as you heal those,
shame will begin to lessen inyour life because you won't need
(10:17):
it anymore as a copingmechanism to keep you safe from
the things that originally hurtyou.
Now the third thing that youcan do to start bringing healing
is bring it into the light.
Shame thrives in secrecy and DrBrene Brown does a lot of work
around this and vulnerabilityand being met with empathy, and
it is so true that shame beginsto die when it's brought into
(10:41):
the light, and I know it can bescary to bring that into the
light.
I know, I know.
I know personally I'll tell youat some point about my
experiences of why it was soscary for me to bring the
struggles that I had into thelight.
Because I was afraid ofjudgment.
I was afraid of so many things,and that's what happens with
shame.
We are so afraid of what otherpeople are going to think about
(11:03):
us that us bringing it into thelight is going to reinforce the
fact that, yeah, there issomething wrong with us and
people are going to think thatway about us.
But the truth is it is going tobe really important for you to
find relationships that you cantrust, that you can be
vulnerable.
With that you can bring thisstuff into the light and be met
(11:24):
with empathy, to be met with ayeah, me too, I've been there.
See, we all think our story isthe worst because we've lived it
.
But the truth is we all carryour wounds.
We all carry the things thatwe're ashamed of.
But when we take the risk andwe share our pain and we're
vulnerable and we're met withempathy, shame begins to die, we
(11:48):
no longer feel alone and webegin to heal in connection and
we start to feel the freedom ofwhat a life feels like when you
no longer have to carry thatfeeling that there's something
wrong with you and you begin totruly get free from shame.
So those are just a few of thethings that I wish I would have
(12:09):
known and some tips that canhelp heal.
And let me encourage you, nomatter where you're at on your
journey of dealing with shamehealing from shame you're not
alone in it.
It's never too late.
I didn't start to get healingand freedom from it until I was
almost 50 years old.
As an additional resource foryou on overcoming shame, I do
work with individuals one-on-onein my coaching program.
(12:30):
If you'd like more informationabout that, you can simply see
the show notes in this episode.
In there you'll find a link tomy website.
You'll also find a link thereto set up a free strategy call
so that we can connect and seeif working together is the right
fit.
So if you're ready to startcreating a life that you truly
love, set up that free strategycall.
I'm looking forward to meetingyou, getting to know more about
the goals that you have and,most importantly, learning more
(12:52):
about you, and I want to remindyou that you are worthy of a
life that feels as good on theinside as
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I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com