August 29, 2025 • 26 mins
There's a challenge many players face: dealing with “the critic” on the court. Whether it’s subtle comments, unsolicited advice, or outright negativity. In this episode, I explore real community stories and offer strategies to protect your pickleball mind, keep your confidence strong and your love for the game intact.
Show Notes: https://betterpickleball.com/259-not-so-nice-pickleball-interactions-the-critic
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:05):
Hello and welcome to Pickleball Therapy,the podcast dedicated to
your pickleball improvement.Hope you're having a great week.
My name is Tony Roig.
I'm your host of the weekly podcast.
It's a pleasure to be able to spend a fewminutes with you each week talking about
pickleball, and more specifically, a partof pickleball that is near and dear to my
heart, which is the mental part ofpickleball, which is in the athletic
(00:26):
pillar, if you're familiar withthe three pillars of pickleball.
And if you're not, I have some good newsfor you because
CJ and I and the rest of the team havebeen hard at work putting together,
not just have been, are hard at workputting together our upcoming
September online clinic.
If you've been with us for a while, youknow that we offer a couple of big
(00:46):
trainings every year, and this isour September clinic for this year.
If you're new to us and have not been toone of these before, you're going to be
surprised and amazed andjust awed by the content.
I think you're really like it.
We're trying a little bit different formatthis time in terms of how it's delivered
so that you have more access to thematerials for a longer amount of time.
(01:09):
You can digest them a little betterthan in a more compressed manner.
We're going to have that September20th through the end of the month.
It's also an opportunity for you to findout more about the Pickleball System,
which is our flagship coaching program.
It is the most comprehensive programavailable anywhere and the most effective.
(01:30):
I mean, the results speak for themselves.
So make sure you have it on your calendar,September 20th to the end of the month.
Again, you don't haveto be there every day.
You have access to everything.
We have some live eventson the last weekend there.
It's the 26th, 27th, 28th,I believe, that weekend.
And you can pick a live event to come andjoin us and get your questions
answered and things like that.
So be on the look outon your email for that.
(01:53):
This week's podcast, I want to dive into asubject that came up in a post
inside our system community.
So the same system that I just mentionedabout being a flagship program also
includes a community componentto it, which is very vibrant.
One of our students posted basically acall for help, a call for
(02:16):
input, help, feedback, about somethingthat he's experiencing as a player.
And at the last time I checked, there was22 or so folks who had jumped in there to
share their information about thator their We're thinking about that.
What I'm going to do is I'm going to readthe player's post.
Again, this is a public post inside of acommunity, so I'm going to read the
(02:38):
player's post, and then I'm going to readyou some of the comments that came back,
because I think that the comments reallyshow the
commonness, the correct word, but theprevalence maybe of
this issue, this potential limitationon our play and our enjoyment.
Then I'll give you a couple of thoughtsin terms of what I think about it.
(03:03):
And then if there's time, we maydo a rift today about agency.
We'll see how long this goes becausethere's a lot to get through.
And what we're talking about here today iswe're going to be talking about
the critic, right?
The player at the court or players at thecourt who make you feel less than as a
player, perhaps unintentionally,perhaps, you know.
(03:26):
I mean, certainly, I don't thinkmaking you feel bad is intentional.
So The ramifications are unintentional,but nonetheless, are the result of
the critic's work while they play.
So I'm going to start here withthe post that was made, and then I'll
share some of the comments andthen give you my discussion.
(03:48):
So here's the post.
I'm 77.
I love the game, worked very hard at it,but having some difficulty with, quote,
friends, close quote, who are younger andbetter and now bark a bit at me when
they're disappointed in my or their play.
It really gets me down when relationshipsbecome secondary to gameplay
(04:09):
and doesn't help to match either.
So much for a bowl of ice cream.
Talk about that in a second.
It makes me wonder whether or notto just retire from the game I love.
I listen to Tony's Pickleball Therapy.
Thumbs up on that.I'm signed up for a system camp, too.
I think I need some help and good advicefrom the system members on how to keep
my spirits up in the face of adversity.
(04:31):
Maybe there's an episodein the podcast I missed.
I can't remember for sure whether there'san episode in the podcast covering this
because we have, I think it'salmost 300 episodes right now.
But whether there's one or not, we'rehaving one now, so we're going to talk
about So here are some of the responses.
Pay it forward and get back to the game,find a group of newbies, and support them.
(04:52):
I think that's really interesting advice.
And what I would suggest is when we thinkabout our relationship with pickleball,
you can think about it more broadly thanjust the 9: 00 to 12: 00 game on
Tuesday or whatever your normal game is.
There's a lot of other waysto engage with pickleball.
I had a chance to go on a Major LeaguePickleball this last week in New York, and
I got to chat with one of your fellowstudents, and who also is a referee.
(05:17):
There's several of you who are refereeswho volunteer extensively in
tournaments and things like that.
That's a great way tointeract with the sport.
It's not not with a paddle in your hand,but you're still interacting
with the sport you love.
I think this idea of helping new playersget involved with the sport
is an amazing idea as well.
(05:38):
There's other suggestion about findinga group that gels better with you.
There's a little bit ofpushback back and forth.
Some players suggest finding a new group.
Some players push back on that becauseof the reality of the situation.
It's a fine piece of advice, meaning ifthere is another group that will work
better for you, that's an option, but itmay not be available to everybody,
particularly players whowho live in maybe smaller pickleball
(06:01):
communities, who don't have multiplegroups that they can jump around, or also
just geographic limitationsand things like that.
Then there was another comment back that,Don't let others take away
something that brings you joy.
I think that's very powerfuland there's layers to that.
That's the idea that you have agencyover these things to some extent.
(06:22):
We're all human beings, but you still haveagency over how do you respond to the
inputs that you're receiving.
And So I'm not going togo into those in-depth on this podcast.
I did write basically a sister blog tothis podcast that covers what I think
about some of the things that you can dowhen you have to deal
(06:44):
with the critic out there.
That'll be at betterpickleball.com.
It'll be around the time of thepublication of this episode, so the
date should correspond pretty closely.
But it has to do with basically dealingwith the no no fun type of
interaction that we have sometimes.
(07:06):
I'm going to read thiscomment a little bit.
I'm going to read this comment a littlemore in full because I think
it touches on several points.
Let me read it and thenI'll talk about it.
It's somewhat heartening I'msorry, let me read it again.
It's somewhat heartening to read all thecomments and know that this type
of thing happens everywhere.
Last week, a man I had never met beforeand had to partner with, criticized my
(07:27):
play and tried to, quote,instruct me during the the game.
Turned out, he didn't evenknow how to keep score.
You do meet all kinds in open play.
Some think they know better than you.
I've also seen the middleschool behavior and clicks.
One of Tony's Pickleball Therapy podcasttalks about pickleball teaching you
about life, not just about pickleball.
I've certainly found that to be true.
(07:48):
I still struggle with how totell folks like this to back off.
I hate being rude.
I'm working on saying no, thank you, asTony suggested, when folks like
this come up in the paddle rotation.
Now I know what that guy is like.
I also know it's him, notme, that has a problem.
So there's a lot of layers in this.
Let me peel them back a little bit.
(08:09):
And I think these comments show the valueof having this conversation inside
a community and this podcast.
And that's why I wanted to take thispodcast opportunity to do a little bit
different than normal instead of just meas the talking head,
bringing you my thinking onthe sport and how we deal with it.
It's also to show you that there's a wholecommunity of players out
(08:29):
there who are like you.
They experience joy, they experiencesadness, they experience
disappointment, they experience success.
So they experience all of thesame emotions that we all do.
And so at the beginning of this,this thing happens everywhere.
It's helpful for other players to knowthat you're not alone.
(08:51):
Any of us going through something to knowthat another player out there has
experienced something similar, even asdisagreeable as the experience may be,
makes us feel less isolated aboutthat encounter or that experience again.
So the rest of it was about thecritic, right, on the court.
And then the idea that we struggleto tell folks like this to back off.
(09:17):
We don't really know how to address it.
The sister blog that I mentioned tothis will help with some of that.
There's also a citation in there to the nothank you blog that
this commenter mentions.
It's very empowering to understand thatyou have agency over whether, not just how
you interact with these folks, butwhether you interact with these folks.
(09:37):
And so give that a read andsee how that works for you.
And I would submit to you thatthe more pushback that there is
to players in these situations, thenit either changes their behavior, or at
least you know that there's solidarity inyour group about how to address this type
(10:02):
of interaction that isn't called for.
They're making you feel less than.
It just isn't called for at any time.
And then the last part of it, I also knowit's him, not not me that has a problem.
That idea is powerful, understanding thatit is not, this isn't your problem,
(10:24):
this is their problem.
Now, we make it our problem because weinternalize or allow it to affect us.
And again, not a criticismabout allowing it to affect you.
We're all human beings.
It's a process for us to understand it'stheir problem and then be
able to then chop it off.
If you're watching me on video, you'reseeing I'm having difficulty saying
(10:46):
the word, but I'm chopping my hand out.
So it's basically chopping off theirability to affect us is a process.
And I address that alsoin the sister blog.
And we're going to talk about that alittle bit in terms of what I want to
address in this podcast,specifically to that.
All right, a couple more of these, andthen I'll give you some of my thoughts.
And obviously, I'm giving you my thoughtsas we go anyway with
(11:06):
my reactions to these ideas.
So here it says, Hi, I know how you feel.
Playing with people who act disappointedin my play totally bums me out.
But there are plenty of players, like me,I love that, connecting, who love playing
with people like you who are serious aboutimprovement, but are willing to put
performance ahead of relationships.
Beautiful sentiment, right?
(11:28):
Pickleball at the endof the day is a game.
Hopefully, we can play better.
Hopefully, we can win some games here andthere, or delete some rallies, or
be competitive, go out there anddo our best when we're playing.
But really, there's somuch more to it, right?
The relationships, the exercise, thesocial interactions, and to allow
a misshot or something likethat to bring you down.
(11:51):
I just got reminded of somethingthat I witnessed yesterday.
Very nice folks in open play.
It wasn't anything that they were sayingto anybody else or anything like that,
but they were getting lobed a lot.
It was a couple.
It was a couple playing together,and they kept getting lobed.
(12:14):
The frustration by the husbandjust kept ratcheting up.
I could see him just...
I mean, his blood pressure must have been150 over 110 by the end of the match.
And again, I'm not criticizing him.
That's not my intention here.
But it's to share with you becausethat doesn't have to be that way.
(12:34):
It's our choice at the end of this as tohow we choose to interact with that event.
And that event, in this case, is nothingmore than a wiffle ball
going over our head, landing behind us ina tough spot, and
we can't respond to it successfully fromour end, meaning respond to
(12:57):
it with a shot that'll work.
And then that's all it is, nothing else.
And then our reaction to itis what then makes it something
else, takes it to another level.
All right, this one here.
So I get what you're saying, and whileall the advice is good, it can be hard.
That is true.
Last week, one of those really poor advicegivers called me a, quote, female dog.
(13:21):
I think everybody knows whatthat word is, unfortunately.
It's terrible that that was used.
Because I don't want to hear his comments,especially when I'm playing, I have enough
Tony and CJisms running through my head.
So I wanted to say, I'm glad you do, butI wanted to say, sorry, but it was
like a laughing, sorry about it.That's good.
I mean, Tony and CJisms are the types ofpositive information that can
(13:48):
help you with your play, right?
As coaches, also as podcast host, ashuman beings trying to be
helpful, I think that's good.
I have no idea why this person would thinkthat it's okay to use that term,
no matter, frankly, what happened.
I don't know.
Maybe if you shot me in the legintentionally and then
(14:08):
kick me in the face.I don't know.
It'd be tough for that word to come out inthat aggressive, negative
manner like that, right?
And certainly, there's nocontext in a pickleball game where
that word is even remotely appropriate.
And to me, this is a question ofsome insecurity, perhaps by the
(14:33):
comment giver or by the advice giver.
Insecure and then rejected byyour not wanting to hear it,
which you have every right to do.I want to be clear, right?
So you don't want to hear it.
You have every rightnot to want to hear it.
Insecurity flares up,maybe some rejection.
And then, as the prior poster said, it'shim, not you, that has the problem, right?
(15:00):
It's the person using thatlanguage, so clearly out of control.
All right, hang in there.You're not alone.
The game has all sorts of people andpersonalities which can be frustrating at
times, but we have to remember thatthere's a group of like-minded
people for all of us out there.Don't give up.
I've become very frustrated with this,too, but for the love of the game and
knowing there's good people outthere, I've chosen to stick with it.
(15:20):
Again, you can see the community there,the idea that there are, in fact, other
folks, even in the group that doesn't feelright right now, there are folks in that
that aren't all the same as thecritics or the negative folks.
So just keep that in mind.
Here's another one.
I have found that at times,pickleball is like high school.
(15:41):
The clicks are there.
You just have to findyour way around them.
I can hang out with the, quote, prettygirls for a while, but then I have to take
a break and hang around where I don'thave to worry about what I look like.
I just need to be, all caps, be.
Keep the faith and good luck.
So the idea here is, sometimes you mayhave to grit your teeth and deal with the
(16:01):
situation, maybe, in order to survive ina group, or survive in an environment.
But there are times that you will be withthe ones that you can just
be yourself, just let yourhair down and be who you are.
Another one here.
Criticizing other players is a bigthing now, and I doubt it will stop.
The folks who do it think that they arejustified and seem very unaware of how
(16:25):
useless their advice often is orthat it is offered at the wrong time.
Yeah, I would I agree with that.
I hear advice out there all the time,and I can echo some of these, basically.
I'll see players out there who are allbeginners, and there's the alpha beginner
who believes that they know the answers toeverything, and what they're saying is
(16:45):
wrong, but they're veryconfident in what they're saying.
It's a function of us as using our agencyto be able to maybe filter
that out some or ignore it.
And again, the deal is more in the sisterblog, but there are ways to address it.
(17:07):
And the thing about your journey as wellis that your journey
is your journey, right?
And the more powerful youbecome about the game.
And by power, I'm talkinghere about knowledge, right?
Where you're more confident in the game,in your knowledge of the game, you're more
confident in your abilitiesand things like that.
Everything else just fades away.
(17:29):
And I can tell you for myself.
And obviously, I understand that I'mperhaps a higher level
player than some of you.
I've been at it for a long time.
I have a certain weight, if you will, tomy presence on the court and my presence
in facilities and things like that.
I get less people F with me, mess with me,I guess, to be more politically correct.
(17:53):
I get that.
But the stronger you become and the moreconfident you are in your understanding
and your knowledge in what you're doing.
Even when you make a mistake, nomatter what other people say, you don't
feel as bad because you know that, A, youfeel good about yourself in
your relationship with Bigable.
And also, you understand that whenyou pop the ball up, that's normal.
(18:18):
And your partner has probablypopped the ball up already anyway.
So this idea that it's your faultor something like that is nonsense.
I had a couple more here.
So then, I have tried every approach, butthe opinion givers don't seem to stop.
Yeah, that is that.
Listen, we can't stop them.
At least not necessarily.
(18:38):
We might, but take some time, whatever.
But they're going to dowhat they're going to do.
I like this one.
Now I'm trying a bemused wisdom approach.
I smile and try to shake it off.
That's one of the options that we setforth in the article that I mentioned
to you, the sister article about it.
And then PS, suggestions tofind new groups are not useful.
(19:00):
It is easier said than done.
Time is better spent onmanaging your attitude.
I would agree thatin many times it's going to be better for
us to just look internally and work onourselves and how we interact with these
folks rather than trying to find othergroups, unless those groups are
reasonably available, and then it'sprobably okay to try and do that.
(19:21):
All right, let me give you a couple of mythoughts, and I don't think we're going to
have time for a rift today because I'mlooking at the time here, and I
think this has been super cool.And let me know.
Let Well, let me know ifyou enjoyed this format.
I'm not done yet, but let me know ifyou enjoyed this format, this approach.
I think it's been an interesting one forme anyway, reading the comments, going
through them, giving my thoughts on eachcomment as I saw appropriate,
(19:44):
and things like that.
But I want to,in addition to what I wrote in the sister
article about this, where you can decidehow you interact with this type of event,
I want to share one other idea, and it maynot be the case for you listening to this.
(20:09):
And before I do it, I want tomake sure I'm clear about this.
I'm not suggesting that this is happening,and I'm not attempting to minimize
your feelings about what's happening toyou, and the possibility that it may
be exactly as you believe it to be.
(20:30):
In other words, it may very well bethat what we call the critic in the
articles, I'll use that term here, it mayvery well be that the critic is, A,
criticizing, B, doing it in away that is, not that any criticism is
appropriate, but doing it in a way that'sexcessively inappropriate, if you will.
(20:51):
In other words, the events maybe as you believe them to be.
That's very possible,and maybe even likely.
But I want to that suggests a possibilityto you that's worth exploring, which is
when you're feeling like others arejudging or criticizing or weighing your
(21:13):
play or whatever,ask yourself whether it's possible, and
that at least in some of those situations,it may be a form of a projection.
And by projection, what I mean by that isthat we know that we messed up, and so
we then feel bad about messing up, right?
(21:34):
And so we're criticizing ourselves for themess up, and we see something, can be a
turn by another player, or a look, or ashake of the head, or
anything that we may see.
And we project onto that or impart ontothat our own criticism of ourselves, okay?
(21:55):
And let me suggest you why I proposeI chose this idea as a possibility.
Number one,it is my experience as a long-time coach
now, and having coached,it has to be thousands by now, players,
thatI have seen too many instances of players,
(22:17):
too many instances where I know by nowthat most players don't have the bandwidth
to see, much less understand and analyzewhat other players are doing or have done.
Too often, and this is going to be, wetalk about this in the book that's coming
out at the end of the month,the end of September, sorry.
(22:41):
But that the other playersdon't have the bandwidth to...
They hardly have the bandwidthto know what they did.
And how do I know this?
I know this because when coaching, veryoften, and I have to be clear here, I'm
not criticizing any player who This is themost natural thing in the world,
(23:01):
and it happens all the time.
But oftentimes, when we're coaching, wewill interact with the group on the court,
the four players who are playing,and we're coaching them as they play.
And I will say something like,Okay, so and so, do you remember when you
hit the third shot, you hit itover here, and things like that?
(23:22):
And the look I get, and then the words Iget, no one on the court
knows who hit the third shot.
No one on the the court,even really like...
They have to think about it for a secondto even figure out which side
of the net hit the third shot.
So in those situations where the playersaren't even sure what happened,
(23:45):
Do they have the bandwidth tocriticize each other or another player?
Again, maybe they are.
I'm not suggesting that it's not possible.
But I think there's many situations wherethe players are not even following
happening to them, much lessto anybody else on the court.
And then the second reason I suggest thisas a possibility is because I've seen it
(24:08):
where players who play with mewill believe that I am
upset at something, that they shotthey missed or something like that.
Obviously, I'm the host of the podcast, soI've gone on this path
a long time now, right?So I'm not suggesting my way of doing it.
It should be automatic for everybody.
But I'm at a place where I willameliorate, that's probably too big a
(24:34):
word, but ameliorate theirfeelings or make them feel better.
I'll tell them, No, I'm fine.Everything's fine.
I mean, yeah, you missed a shot, butI missed the last one, or I'm going to
miss the next one, I'm sure,because that's how pickle is played.
And so the player believes thatI am judging them, that I am...
(24:56):
And I've seen it with other players aswell, other interactions, where the
players believe that they are beingjudged when in fact they are not.
Again, to be clear, I'm not suggestingthat that's always the case, and there are
certainly cases of judgment andcriticism and things like that.
But just something to be aware of,perhaps, and maybe run it through a filter
(25:16):
before you decide that you are in factbeing the subject of criticism
or judgment by other players.
Check yourself against apossible projection first.
If you still believe that they are beingcritical, then the suggestions in the
sister article and the sister-sister orcousin article, the about no thank you,
may give you some additionaltools to help yourself.
(25:39):
All right, that's this week's podcast.
I hope you enjoyed the podcast.
Let me know if you enjoyed this format.
You can send us an email attherapy@betterpickleball.
com if you care to.
And please always considerrating and reviewing the podcast.
As I mentioned, every single podcast, thishelps us reach other players who, like
you, would benefit from this podcastif they only knew it existed.
(26:01):
The only way the algorithm knows to sendit to them is
by information like ratings and reviews tolet them know that this is
a podcast that is valued.
And lastly, consider sharing this episodewith a friend of yours who believes
they've been criticizedor judged recently.
It may help them understand that they'renot alone and that there are ways that
(26:23):
they can perhapsminimize or mitigate the feelings that
they're having and ultimatelytake action to protect themselves.
Have a great week, and I look forward toseeing you on the next
episode of Pickable Therapy.Be well.
Hello and welcome to Pickleball Therapy,the podcast dedicated to
your pickleball improvement.Hope you're having a great week.
My name is Tony Roig.
I'm your host of the weekly podcast.
It's a pleasure to be able to spend a fewminutes with you each week talking about
pickleball, and more specifically, a partof pickleball that is near and dear to my
heart, which is the mental part ofpickleball, which is in the athletic
(00:26):
pillar, if you're familiar withthe three pillars of pickleball.
And if you're not, I have some good newsfor you because
CJ and I and the rest of the team havebeen hard at work putting together,
not just have been, are hard at workputting together our upcoming
September online clinic.
If you've been with us for a while, youknow that we offer a couple of big
(00:46):
trainings every year, and this isour September clinic for this year.
If you're new to us and have not been toone of these before, you're going to be
surprised and amazed andjust awed by the content.
I think you're really like it.
We're trying a little bit different formatthis time in terms of how it's delivered
so that you have more access to thematerials for a longer amount of time.
(01:09):
You can digest them a little betterthan in a more compressed manner.
We're going to have that September20th through the end of the month.
It's also an opportunity for you to findout more about the Pickleball System,
which is our flagship coaching program.
It is the most comprehensive programavailable anywhere and the most effective.
(01:30):
I mean, the results speak for themselves.
So make sure you have it on your calendar,September 20th to the end of the month.
Again, you don't haveto be there every day.
You have access to everything.
We have some live eventson the last weekend there.
It's the 26th, 27th, 28th,I believe, that weekend.
And you can pick a live event to come andjoin us and get your questions
answered and things like that.
So be on the look outon your email for that.
(01:53):
This week's podcast, I want to dive into asubject that came up in a post
inside our system community.
So the same system that I just mentionedabout being a flagship program also
includes a community componentto it, which is very vibrant.
One of our students posted basically acall for help, a call for
(02:16):
input, help, feedback, about somethingthat he's experiencing as a player.
And at the last time I checked, there was22 or so folks who had jumped in there to
share their information about thator their We're thinking about that.
What I'm going to do is I'm going to readthe player's post.
Again, this is a public post inside of acommunity, so I'm going to read the
(02:38):
player's post, and then I'm going to readyou some of the comments that came back,
because I think that the comments reallyshow the
commonness, the correct word, but theprevalence maybe of
this issue, this potential limitationon our play and our enjoyment.
Then I'll give you a couple of thoughtsin terms of what I think about it.
(03:03):
And then if there's time, we maydo a rift today about agency.
We'll see how long this goes becausethere's a lot to get through.
And what we're talking about here today iswe're going to be talking about
the critic, right?
The player at the court or players at thecourt who make you feel less than as a
player, perhaps unintentionally,perhaps, you know.
(03:26):
I mean, certainly, I don't thinkmaking you feel bad is intentional.
So The ramifications are unintentional,but nonetheless, are the result of
the critic's work while they play.
So I'm going to start here withthe post that was made, and then I'll
share some of the comments andthen give you my discussion.
(03:48):
So here's the post.
I'm 77.
I love the game, worked very hard at it,but having some difficulty with, quote,
friends, close quote, who are younger andbetter and now bark a bit at me when
they're disappointed in my or their play.
It really gets me down when relationshipsbecome secondary to gameplay
(04:09):
and doesn't help to match either.
So much for a bowl of ice cream.
Talk about that in a second.
It makes me wonder whether or notto just retire from the game I love.
I listen to Tony's Pickleball Therapy.
Thumbs up on that.I'm signed up for a system camp, too.
I think I need some help and good advicefrom the system members on how to keep
my spirits up in the face of adversity.
(04:31):
Maybe there's an episodein the podcast I missed.
I can't remember for sure whether there'san episode in the podcast covering this
because we have, I think it'salmost 300 episodes right now.
But whether there's one or not, we'rehaving one now, so we're going to talk
about So here are some of the responses.
Pay it forward and get back to the game,find a group of newbies, and support them.
(04:52):
I think that's really interesting advice.
And what I would suggest is when we thinkabout our relationship with pickleball,
you can think about it more broadly thanjust the 9: 00 to 12: 00 game on
Tuesday or whatever your normal game is.
There's a lot of other waysto engage with pickleball.
I had a chance to go on a Major LeaguePickleball this last week in New York, and
I got to chat with one of your fellowstudents, and who also is a referee.
(05:17):
There's several of you who are refereeswho volunteer extensively in
tournaments and things like that.
That's a great way tointeract with the sport.
It's not not with a paddle in your hand,but you're still interacting
with the sport you love.
I think this idea of helping new playersget involved with the sport
is an amazing idea as well.
(05:38):
There's other suggestion about findinga group that gels better with you.
There's a little bit ofpushback back and forth.
Some players suggest finding a new group.
Some players push back on that becauseof the reality of the situation.
It's a fine piece of advice, meaning ifthere is another group that will work
better for you, that's an option, but itmay not be available to everybody,
particularly players whowho live in maybe smaller pickleball
(06:01):
communities, who don't have multiplegroups that they can jump around, or also
just geographic limitationsand things like that.
Then there was another comment back that,Don't let others take away
something that brings you joy.
I think that's very powerfuland there's layers to that.
That's the idea that you have agencyover these things to some extent.
(06:22):
We're all human beings, but you still haveagency over how do you respond to the
inputs that you're receiving.
And So I'm not going togo into those in-depth on this podcast.
I did write basically a sister blog tothis podcast that covers what I think
about some of the things that you can dowhen you have to deal
(06:44):
with the critic out there.
That'll be at betterpickleball.com.
It'll be around the time of thepublication of this episode, so the
date should correspond pretty closely.
But it has to do with basically dealingwith the no no fun type of
interaction that we have sometimes.
(07:06):
I'm going to read thiscomment a little bit.
I'm going to read this comment a littlemore in full because I think
it touches on several points.
Let me read it and thenI'll talk about it.
It's somewhat heartening I'msorry, let me read it again.
It's somewhat heartening to read all thecomments and know that this type
of thing happens everywhere.
Last week, a man I had never met beforeand had to partner with, criticized my
(07:27):
play and tried to, quote,instruct me during the the game.
Turned out, he didn't evenknow how to keep score.
You do meet all kinds in open play.
Some think they know better than you.
I've also seen the middleschool behavior and clicks.
One of Tony's Pickleball Therapy podcasttalks about pickleball teaching you
about life, not just about pickleball.
I've certainly found that to be true.
(07:48):
I still struggle with how totell folks like this to back off.
I hate being rude.
I'm working on saying no, thank you, asTony suggested, when folks like
this come up in the paddle rotation.
Now I know what that guy is like.
I also know it's him, notme, that has a problem.
So there's a lot of layers in this.
Let me peel them back a little bit.
(08:09):
And I think these comments show the valueof having this conversation inside
a community and this podcast.
And that's why I wanted to take thispodcast opportunity to do a little bit
different than normal instead of just meas the talking head,
bringing you my thinking onthe sport and how we deal with it.
It's also to show you that there's a wholecommunity of players out
(08:29):
there who are like you.
They experience joy, they experiencesadness, they experience
disappointment, they experience success.
So they experience all of thesame emotions that we all do.
And so at the beginning of this,this thing happens everywhere.
It's helpful for other players to knowthat you're not alone.
(08:51):
Any of us going through something to knowthat another player out there has
experienced something similar, even asdisagreeable as the experience may be,
makes us feel less isolated aboutthat encounter or that experience again.
So the rest of it was about thecritic, right, on the court.
And then the idea that we struggleto tell folks like this to back off.
(09:17):
We don't really know how to address it.
The sister blog that I mentioned tothis will help with some of that.
There's also a citation in there to the nothank you blog that
this commenter mentions.
It's very empowering to understand thatyou have agency over whether, not just how
you interact with these folks, butwhether you interact with these folks.
(09:37):
And so give that a read andsee how that works for you.
And I would submit to you thatthe more pushback that there is
to players in these situations, thenit either changes their behavior, or at
least you know that there's solidarity inyour group about how to address this type
(10:02):
of interaction that isn't called for.
They're making you feel less than.
It just isn't called for at any time.
And then the last part of it, I also knowit's him, not not me that has a problem.
That idea is powerful, understanding thatit is not, this isn't your problem,
(10:24):
this is their problem.
Now, we make it our problem because weinternalize or allow it to affect us.
And again, not a criticismabout allowing it to affect you.
We're all human beings.
It's a process for us to understand it'stheir problem and then be
able to then chop it off.
If you're watching me on video, you'reseeing I'm having difficulty saying
(10:46):
the word, but I'm chopping my hand out.
So it's basically chopping off theirability to affect us is a process.
And I address that alsoin the sister blog.
And we're going to talk about that alittle bit in terms of what I want to
address in this podcast,specifically to that.
All right, a couple more of these, andthen I'll give you some of my thoughts.
And obviously, I'm giving you my thoughtsas we go anyway with
(11:06):
my reactions to these ideas.
So here it says, Hi, I know how you feel.
Playing with people who act disappointedin my play totally bums me out.
But there are plenty of players, like me,I love that, connecting, who love playing
with people like you who are serious aboutimprovement, but are willing to put
performance ahead of relationships.
Beautiful sentiment, right?
(11:28):
Pickleball at the endof the day is a game.
Hopefully, we can play better.
Hopefully, we can win some games here andthere, or delete some rallies, or
be competitive, go out there anddo our best when we're playing.
But really, there's somuch more to it, right?
The relationships, the exercise, thesocial interactions, and to allow
a misshot or something likethat to bring you down.
(11:51):
I just got reminded of somethingthat I witnessed yesterday.
Very nice folks in open play.
It wasn't anything that they were sayingto anybody else or anything like that,
but they were getting lobed a lot.
It was a couple.
It was a couple playing together,and they kept getting lobed.
(12:14):
The frustration by the husbandjust kept ratcheting up.
I could see him just...
I mean, his blood pressure must have been150 over 110 by the end of the match.
And again, I'm not criticizing him.
That's not my intention here.
But it's to share with you becausethat doesn't have to be that way.
(12:34):
It's our choice at the end of this as tohow we choose to interact with that event.
And that event, in this case, is nothingmore than a wiffle ball
going over our head, landing behind us ina tough spot, and
we can't respond to it successfully fromour end, meaning respond to
(12:57):
it with a shot that'll work.
And then that's all it is, nothing else.
And then our reaction to itis what then makes it something
else, takes it to another level.
All right, this one here.
So I get what you're saying, and whileall the advice is good, it can be hard.
That is true.
Last week, one of those really poor advicegivers called me a, quote, female dog.
(13:21):
I think everybody knows whatthat word is, unfortunately.
It's terrible that that was used.
Because I don't want to hear his comments,especially when I'm playing, I have enough
Tony and CJisms running through my head.
So I wanted to say, I'm glad you do, butI wanted to say, sorry, but it was
like a laughing, sorry about it.That's good.
I mean, Tony and CJisms are the types ofpositive information that can
(13:48):
help you with your play, right?
As coaches, also as podcast host, ashuman beings trying to be
helpful, I think that's good.
I have no idea why this person would thinkthat it's okay to use that term,
no matter, frankly, what happened.
I don't know.
Maybe if you shot me in the legintentionally and then
(14:08):
kick me in the face.I don't know.
It'd be tough for that word to come out inthat aggressive, negative
manner like that, right?
And certainly, there's nocontext in a pickleball game where
that word is even remotely appropriate.
And to me, this is a question ofsome insecurity, perhaps by the
(14:33):
comment giver or by the advice giver.
Insecure and then rejected byyour not wanting to hear it,
which you have every right to do.I want to be clear, right?
So you don't want to hear it.
You have every rightnot to want to hear it.
Insecurity flares up,maybe some rejection.
And then, as the prior poster said, it'shim, not you, that has the problem, right?
(15:00):
It's the person using thatlanguage, so clearly out of control.
All right, hang in there.You're not alone.
The game has all sorts of people andpersonalities which can be frustrating at
times, but we have to remember thatthere's a group of like-minded
people for all of us out there.Don't give up.
I've become very frustrated with this,too, but for the love of the game and
knowing there's good people outthere, I've chosen to stick with it.
(15:20):
Again, you can see the community there,the idea that there are, in fact, other
folks, even in the group that doesn't feelright right now, there are folks in that
that aren't all the same as thecritics or the negative folks.
So just keep that in mind.
Here's another one.
I have found that at times,pickleball is like high school.
(15:41):
The clicks are there.
You just have to findyour way around them.
I can hang out with the, quote, prettygirls for a while, but then I have to take
a break and hang around where I don'thave to worry about what I look like.
I just need to be, all caps, be.
Keep the faith and good luck.
So the idea here is, sometimes you mayhave to grit your teeth and deal with the
(16:01):
situation, maybe, in order to survive ina group, or survive in an environment.
But there are times that you will be withthe ones that you can just
be yourself, just let yourhair down and be who you are.
Another one here.
Criticizing other players is a bigthing now, and I doubt it will stop.
The folks who do it think that they arejustified and seem very unaware of how
(16:25):
useless their advice often is orthat it is offered at the wrong time.
Yeah, I would I agree with that.
I hear advice out there all the time,and I can echo some of these, basically.
I'll see players out there who are allbeginners, and there's the alpha beginner
who believes that they know the answers toeverything, and what they're saying is
(16:45):
wrong, but they're veryconfident in what they're saying.
It's a function of us as using our agencyto be able to maybe filter
that out some or ignore it.
And again, the deal is more in the sisterblog, but there are ways to address it.
(17:07):
And the thing about your journey as wellis that your journey
is your journey, right?
And the more powerful youbecome about the game.
And by power, I'm talkinghere about knowledge, right?
Where you're more confident in the game,in your knowledge of the game, you're more
confident in your abilitiesand things like that.
Everything else just fades away.
(17:29):
And I can tell you for myself.
And obviously, I understand that I'mperhaps a higher level
player than some of you.
I've been at it for a long time.
I have a certain weight, if you will, tomy presence on the court and my presence
in facilities and things like that.
I get less people F with me, mess with me,I guess, to be more politically correct.
(17:53):
I get that.
But the stronger you become and the moreconfident you are in your understanding
and your knowledge in what you're doing.
Even when you make a mistake, nomatter what other people say, you don't
feel as bad because you know that, A, youfeel good about yourself in
your relationship with Bigable.
And also, you understand that whenyou pop the ball up, that's normal.
(18:18):
And your partner has probablypopped the ball up already anyway.
So this idea that it's your faultor something like that is nonsense.
I had a couple more here.
So then, I have tried every approach, butthe opinion givers don't seem to stop.
Yeah, that is that.
Listen, we can't stop them.
At least not necessarily.
(18:38):
We might, but take some time, whatever.
But they're going to dowhat they're going to do.
I like this one.
Now I'm trying a bemused wisdom approach.
I smile and try to shake it off.
That's one of the options that we setforth in the article that I mentioned
to you, the sister article about it.
And then PS, suggestions tofind new groups are not useful.
(19:00):
It is easier said than done.
Time is better spent onmanaging your attitude.
I would agree thatin many times it's going to be better for
us to just look internally and work onourselves and how we interact with these
folks rather than trying to find othergroups, unless those groups are
reasonably available, and then it'sprobably okay to try and do that.
(19:21):
All right, let me give you a couple of mythoughts, and I don't think we're going to
have time for a rift today because I'mlooking at the time here, and I
think this has been super cool.And let me know.
Let Well, let me know ifyou enjoyed this format.
I'm not done yet, but let me know ifyou enjoyed this format, this approach.
I think it's been an interesting one forme anyway, reading the comments, going
through them, giving my thoughts on eachcomment as I saw appropriate,
(19:44):
and things like that.
But I want to,in addition to what I wrote in the sister
article about this, where you can decidehow you interact with this type of event,
I want to share one other idea, and it maynot be the case for you listening to this.
(20:09):
And before I do it, I want tomake sure I'm clear about this.
I'm not suggesting that this is happening,and I'm not attempting to minimize
your feelings about what's happening toyou, and the possibility that it may
be exactly as you believe it to be.
(20:30):
In other words, it may very well bethat what we call the critic in the
articles, I'll use that term here, it mayvery well be that the critic is, A,
criticizing, B, doing it in away that is, not that any criticism is
appropriate, but doing it in a way that'sexcessively inappropriate, if you will.
(20:51):
In other words, the events maybe as you believe them to be.
That's very possible,and maybe even likely.
But I want to that suggests a possibilityto you that's worth exploring, which is
when you're feeling like others arejudging or criticizing or weighing your
(21:13):
play or whatever,ask yourself whether it's possible, and
that at least in some of those situations,it may be a form of a projection.
And by projection, what I mean by that isthat we know that we messed up, and so
we then feel bad about messing up, right?
(21:34):
And so we're criticizing ourselves for themess up, and we see something, can be a
turn by another player, or a look, or ashake of the head, or
anything that we may see.
And we project onto that or impart ontothat our own criticism of ourselves, okay?
(21:55):
And let me suggest you why I proposeI chose this idea as a possibility.
Number one,it is my experience as a long-time coach
now, and having coached,it has to be thousands by now, players,
thatI have seen too many instances of players,
(22:17):
too many instances where I know by nowthat most players don't have the bandwidth
to see, much less understand and analyzewhat other players are doing or have done.
Too often, and this is going to be, wetalk about this in the book that's coming
out at the end of the month,the end of September, sorry.
(22:41):
But that the other playersdon't have the bandwidth to...
They hardly have the bandwidthto know what they did.
And how do I know this?
I know this because when coaching, veryoften, and I have to be clear here, I'm
not criticizing any player who This is themost natural thing in the world,
(23:01):
and it happens all the time.
But oftentimes, when we're coaching, wewill interact with the group on the court,
the four players who are playing,and we're coaching them as they play.
And I will say something like,Okay, so and so, do you remember when you
hit the third shot, you hit itover here, and things like that?
(23:22):
And the look I get, and then the words Iget, no one on the court
knows who hit the third shot.
No one on the the court,even really like...
They have to think about it for a secondto even figure out which side
of the net hit the third shot.
So in those situations where the playersaren't even sure what happened,
(23:45):
Do they have the bandwidth tocriticize each other or another player?
Again, maybe they are.
I'm not suggesting that it's not possible.
But I think there's many situations wherethe players are not even following
happening to them, much lessto anybody else on the court.
And then the second reason I suggest thisas a possibility is because I've seen it
(24:08):
where players who play with mewill believe that I am
upset at something, that they shotthey missed or something like that.
Obviously, I'm the host of the podcast, soI've gone on this path
a long time now, right?So I'm not suggesting my way of doing it.
It should be automatic for everybody.
But I'm at a place where I willameliorate, that's probably too big a
(24:34):
word, but ameliorate theirfeelings or make them feel better.
I'll tell them, No, I'm fine.Everything's fine.
I mean, yeah, you missed a shot, butI missed the last one, or I'm going to
miss the next one, I'm sure,because that's how pickle is played.
And so the player believes thatI am judging them, that I am...
(24:56):
And I've seen it with other players aswell, other interactions, where the
players believe that they are beingjudged when in fact they are not.
Again, to be clear, I'm not suggestingthat that's always the case, and there are
certainly cases of judgment andcriticism and things like that.
But just something to be aware of,perhaps, and maybe run it through a filter
(25:16):
before you decide that you are in factbeing the subject of criticism
or judgment by other players.
Check yourself against apossible projection first.
If you still believe that they are beingcritical, then the suggestions in the
sister article and the sister-sister orcousin article, the about no thank you,
may give you some additionaltools to help yourself.
(25:39):
All right, that's this week's podcast.
I hope you enjoyed the podcast.
Let me know if you enjoyed this format.
You can send us an email attherapy@betterpickleball.
com if you care to.
And please always considerrating and reviewing the podcast.
As I mentioned, every single podcast, thishelps us reach other players who, like
you, would benefit from this podcastif they only knew it existed.
(26:01):
The only way the algorithm knows to sendit to them is
by information like ratings and reviews tolet them know that this is
a podcast that is valued.
And lastly, consider sharing this episodewith a friend of yours who believes
they've been criticizedor judged recently.
It may help them understand that they'renot alone and that there are ways that
(26:23):
they can perhapsminimize or mitigate the feelings that
they're having and ultimatelytake action to protect themselves.
Have a great week, and I look forward toseeing you on the next
episode of Pickable Therapy.Be well.
Popular Podcasts
My Favorite Murder with Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark
My Favorite Murder is a true crime comedy podcast hosted by Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark. Each week, Karen and Georgia share compelling true crimes and hometown stories from friends and listeners. Since MFM launched in January of 2016, Karen and Georgia have shared their lifelong interest in true crime and have covered stories of infamous serial killers like the Night Stalker, mysterious cold cases, captivating cults, incredible survivor stories and important events from history like the Tulsa race massacre of 1921. My Favorite Murder is part of the Exactly Right podcast network that provides a platform for bold, creative voices to bring to life provocative, entertaining and relatable stories for audiences everywhere. The Exactly Right roster of podcasts covers a variety of topics including historic true crime, comedic interviews and news, science, pop culture and more. Podcasts on the network include Buried Bones with Kate Winkler Dawson and Paul Holes, That's Messed Up: An SVU Podcast, This Podcast Will Kill You, Bananas and more.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com