May 27, 2025 • 61 mins
Lauren Fay joins us to share her transformative journey to sobriety and how living alcohol-free has allowed her to create the life of her dreams. With 7.5 years of sobriety under her belt, Lauren discusses how removing alcohol from her life gave her the time, space, and energy to truly play and experience life authentically.
• When drinking, Lauren wasn't truly living - there was too much recovery time and mental obsession
• Society equates fun with alcohol, making it difficult to imagine socializing without drinking
• Alcohol silences our loud thoughts, but removing it requires learning how to manage those thoughts sober
• "Alcohol is the only drug you have to justify NOT taking" - the strange social pressure to drink
• External changes (new jobs, locations) don't solve alcohol issues because "wherever you go, there you are"
• The neutral zone: finding peace in everyday existence between high highs and low lows
• Choosing yourself isn't abandoning others - it's creating space for better things in your life
• True self-love means extending love to others instead of withholding it
• Being of service to others can help heal yourself during difficult times
Look for Lauren's upcoming memoir "Blurred Lines: My Reclamation of Power from Alcohol Addiction" coming in 2025. Connect with her at laurenfaycoaching.com to learn more about alcohol-free living.
Follow Playing Injured on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/playinginjured/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
All right, Welcome to another episode of Playing
Injured.
We have Lauren Fay, who is analcohol-free empowerment coach,
speaker and author.
She also has a book coming outcalled Blurred Lines.
I told her it was the perfecttitle and I'm looking forward to
this episode.
Lauren, welcome to the show.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
Thanks, josh, thanks for having me.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
I love it, so I always start the show with who
is Lauren and how does she spendher time today?
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Lauren today loves to be outside, loves anything that
has to do with water.
The ocean is my most favorite,though.
I like to surf.
I love to stand up paddleboard.
I love to sleep on my stand uppaddleboard.
I love to sleep on my stand uppaddleboard.
I love to car camp.
I walk on trails.
(00:49):
I'm not too big of a hiker butI just love to play outside.
I love to cycle, but I wouldsay, if I had to say my most
favorite activity right now, itwould definitely be my stand up
paddleboard would definitely bemy stand-up paddleboard.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
You know what?
First of all didn't prep forthe show to go this way, but I
actually love your answer.
I'm going to tell you why.
Sitting in therapy for myself,right, always focused, always
wanting to work, always, youknow, thinking about kind of
getting traction in some form orfashion.
And I got a question of what doyou do for fun?
(01:30):
What's fun for you?
And I asked friends near dearto me hey, what do you do for
fun?
I ask people often what do theydo for fun?
And mostly fun is and mostlyfun is going out with your
buddies grabbing some beer,maybe with the ladies grabbing
some wine going out.
(01:51):
It's alcohol involved.
That's where we have Right, andso I was looking at your
website Right and as a quotethat I saw, it said living in
alcohol free life has allowed meto create and live the life of
my dreams.
Now I have time, space andenergy to truly play Experiences
(02:13):
I knew I was missing out onwhen I was stuck in the cycle of
drinking.
Now I wrote this quote becauseof the thoughts that I had about
play and trying to find ways tohave fun.
And here you are when youdescribe who you are and what do
(02:36):
you do?
It was all things of play, offun, so I love that and I would
love for you to unpack that more.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
You know, I quite honestly, completely forgot that
anything related to alcoholcould have been an answer to
that question.
It is literally that so far outof my mind and out of the way
that I live.
I'm seven and a half yearssober, seven and a half years
alcohol free and I just forgotthat it absolutely would have
(03:05):
been something to do with redwine or something to do with a
vodka martini, a hundred percent.
But what I really like, thewhole foundation upon which I
coach and which I live, is thatwhen I was I'll just speak for
myself when I was drinkingalcohol, I wasn't truly living.
There were plenty of fun times,but there was also so much time
(03:28):
for me recovering from the drink.
There was so much time for me,for me like obsessing over the
drink if I was going to drink,if I wasn't going to drink, and
that like mental back and forth.
And so when I think about itbeing fun, compared to like
having fun, today it was, I waskind of like false fun, you know
, and today it feels veryorganic and very real and easy
(03:54):
and, quite honestly, when Ithink about this life and we
have no idea how much time wehave it's like play is
definitely a word that I like tokeep in the forefront of my
mind Play is definitely a wordthat I like to keep in the
forefront of my mind.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
Yeah, well, yeah, how can I guess?
Because I know I've struggledwith this and I still struggle
with fun.
My idea of fun, right, and itusually has come from, you know,
spring break in college.
I think about the fun times.
I think about, you know, allthe times out.
But along with that fun, I dothink about the crazy hangovers,
the times I might have woken uplate for a practice and getting
(04:37):
in trouble for it, the timeswhere, you know, I show up late
for work, times where I've beenunproductive.
From that fun as well, missopportunities have come.
With that fun and I know peoplelisten to this can relate to
those moments, right?
Speaker 2 (04:53):
Yes, and especially as I'm writing my book, which is
memoir, I had to really putmyself back in my drinking days
and there are so manycringeworthy moments.
You know that I'm putting in mybook for everyone to read and
it's like that.
That wasn't fun.
You know.
There's a long list of thingsthat I would have been fine if I
(05:16):
hadn't have done so, and whatdo you think is fun?
Speaker 1 (05:20):
like if you had to describe fun, because I just oh
go ahead oh yeah, I just thinkwe need to change our
relationship to what it meanswell, oh my gosh, you totally
just nailed it.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
it's exactly to your understanding of it and to your
own definition of it.
I know for my mom, fun for forher is if she could be
uninterrupted for the entire daywith her book and like a cup of
hot tea, and that is her idealfun.
And so I think that it's mostimportant to just be really
(05:53):
honest with yourself, and itdoesn't matter if it looks
different from other people'sidea of fun.
Um, if it gives you that innerjoy, then then you're nailing it
and that's the most importantthing.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
Yeah, I was looking.
I saw something on yourInstagram where you talked about
that attunement to self, right,really being in alignment with
self and listening to yourintuition, and so you just
reminded me that of you talkabout that inner joy in really
being in alignment with it,right, when you go out and drink
, is it?
You know, hey, are you reallyfeeling that inner joy or are
(06:32):
you just in routine, right?
Speaker 2 (06:35):
Yeah, in routine, in ritual, in habit and again, I'm
not here to villainize alcohol Ithink that there are plenty of
times where you go out with yourfriends and it is fun, but as
it stacks and stacks and as yourecover more from over consuming
or as you have less energy togo to practice or to hit the gym
or to, you know, show up atwork, then we get to look at the
(06:58):
picture and the macro and say,like, in the big picture, is
this really fun or is thisreally having all of the you
know effects in my life the waythat I want it to?
And that's comes back down tobeing really honest with
yourself.
But yeah, of course there'ssome nights where I love to
dance.
Now I just do it sober which.
(07:18):
I didn't know was possible, butit is.
So I'll still go to the clubsand I'll still dance and sit in
my club soda with a lime, um.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
So yeah, just getting honest with yourself and tuning
in to that, that inner guidanceyeah, now, now you know you
mentioned it like going out anddancing without, um, being
inebriated, or yeah, right, andso I feel like a lot of folks
drink because they don't want tothink right, that thinking is
(07:48):
holding them back from trulyfully expressing right.
And so I know when I you know,when I told you, when I reached
out to you about this podcast, Iwent about six months in 2024
last year without drinking anyalcohol.
The number one thing that Irealized was my thinking and how
(08:11):
loud it was.
It was so loud when I would goand do things without it, right,
going to, and I did everythingI would.
I would go on dates and I wouldhave to explain, hey, I'm not
drinking alcohol, right, andusually, actually that went well
(08:32):
.
Going out to bars, dinnerwithout it.
My mind was so loud, right, ofself-conscious thoughts how are
people receiving me this, thisand that?
And the first thing I wouldrealize when I'm with a group of
friends is like, let's go tothe bar, like they obviously had
(08:54):
those feelings too of of thatthinking being turned up
extremely loud.
And so, um, that was the firstthing that I noticed was how
loud my thinking was.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
I can relate to that so much.
And also I just want to reallycongratulate you and honor you
in going six months, becausethat is a big feat, you know, a
personal accomplishment.
But also to be alcohol free inour society today that is, you
know, lubricated by alcohol andvery socially acceptable.
It's hard to break away.
(09:30):
You belong when you drink.
You then somehow don't belongwhen you don't.
We have to find a way to.
So I just want to honor youthat.
And giving yourself six monthsis huge, because the first 30
days is the detox.
The first 30 days is the bodyjust being like oh, thanks for
the break.
You know, I'll start, I'll startcoming back online now.
(09:50):
Um and detox, not medical detox.
Just, you know the purge.
So, with that being said, um,the noise so loud, and I know
that people often think like thesaying is they drink to cover
their pain or things like that.
You don't have to be so downand so dark, you know, to drink
(10:10):
alcohol For me, I am anoverachiever, I put a lot of
pressure on myself, I haveperfectionism tendencies, I get
overwhelmed very easily, and sothe alcohol was my exhale, right
, and in that exhale, thosethoughts and the noise kind of
dropped a little bit.
Like you said, the volume turnedup when you took away the
(10:31):
alcohol.
And for me, like I drank thealcohol and which, if you
haven't heard of it or if yourlisteners haven't heard of it,
it's a 10 day silent meditationand total silence.
Not only are you not talking,you're also not writing, you're
(10:54):
not making eye contact, and itwas and it's like 12 hours of
meditation a day.
My physical body was in so muchpain but I was like, oh, my God
, god, it is so loud in my brain, so loud in my body, and
everything was just amplified.
And that's how I knew that justtaking out the alcohol isn't
(11:15):
the full picture like we had.
We stopped drinking and there'sso much more to do yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
So you talk about it too.
The mind and the body, right,and I'm sure you know you have
clients today that deal withmaybe that feeling in their
chest, that anxiousness of youknow, maybe a networking event.
You know, anytime it feels likeanytime you do anything,
(11:44):
there's sometimes a probleminvolved, right, and you feel it
in your chest, maybe, thatanxiety maybe in your mind.
Right, you want to loosen up,you want to kind of turn that
thinking down, but it has to bea way to do that sober, right.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
There is and it takes practice.
It definitely doesn't just comeonline immediately, but I think
it really also comes to justasking yourself a lot of curious
questions like why do I have somany of these thoughts in?
(12:26):
I will notice that a lot of ourthoughts are the same.
There's a lot of repetitivethoughts going on, a lot of
repetitive stories going on,whether you're body shaming
yourself or money shamingyourself, or career shaming
yourself, whatever it might beand so then we just get to ask,
like, why is that the story youknow?
And then, once we kind ofdismantle that, the noise can
get a little bit quieter.
(12:47):
We just have to stop fueling it.
So can you do it sober,absolutely, in fact, I think you
do it better sober, because youare online to have this really
deep introspection.
Speaker 1 (12:57):
And you get to know yourself better.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
Yeah, you really do get to.
It gets really, really real.
One, when you get real withyourself, but two, when you just
take out the thing that'sthat's altering your, your
personality, that's maybemisaligning you from your values
, that's maybe having you saythings you wouldn't say or do
things you would normally do.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
And then it gets really real, but also too right
what I've started to realize too, especially in today's society,
(13:37):
most folks don't haveconversations with strangers or
different things like thatwithout alcohol, right?
So if I had to describe the dayof you know somebody here in
America, I'm thinking aboutsomebody who, when they leave
the house, they put theirheadphones on go to work, right,
and then hey, at work maybethey have their headphones on,
they're working with music orwhatever the case may be.
they have their work calls, theyleave, they go to the grocery
(13:59):
store they have their headphoneson, and then they go to the gym
they have their headphones on.
They have their headphones onall the way until they get to
work and they haven't reallyinteracted with people, right?
It's almost like that socialanxiety of just wanting to be in
your own inner bubble and then,you know, until you have
(14:23):
alcohol is when you kind of openup and start to uh express
yourself and different thingslike that.
So that's another thing thatI've observed too.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
You know, something I learned about myself when I
stopped drinking alcohol was I'mactually not as extroverted as
I thought I was.
Like I actually love my quiettime, I love my alone time.
I'm like a self-labeled, likelone wolf, but I have my close
friends, I have my partnerships.
You know, it's all good, but tome it was the alcohol kind of
(14:58):
falsely opened me up becausesomething that I learned in my
sobriety as well, as I'm veryhighly sensitive and I'm very
tuned into the energy around me,and so I'd go out and be very
social and then I'd come homeand I'd be exhausted, you know,
and I didn't understand why.
And it was like I was justoverextending myself beyond what
(15:20):
I would normally do if I reallyknew who I was and that I like
I'm good in small bursts, youknow, um, but what you were
saying, with, like headphones onhead down, you know, in Seattle
we call that the Seattle freezeLike I'm a cyclist, you know,
you, you, it's just like youwave your hand to the person you
pass and like there's no eyecontact, there's no hand wave.
It's just the weirdest,weirdest thing.
(15:42):
So I understand using thealcohol to then come out of that
.
Yeah, I mean again, I get itlike it is a tool, I totally get
it, and so again, not here tovillainize it, but, um, it's
possible to learn how to do thatwithout it exactly, and so
that's.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
I guess that is my when.
When I talk about therelationship with it, it's the
consciousness of am I relying onit?
Yeah, Am I having fun with itand enjoying it?
Speaker 2 (16:17):
right.
Speaker 1 (16:17):
Yeah, and it's that recognition of.
Am I able to enjoyconversations, dance freely
right, actually understand theway my mind works in thoughts
and I'm able to let thosethoughts bypass and just live my
(16:41):
life without depending onalcohol to to help me.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
I think that's the conscious piece of it all yeah,
it is, and you said somethingthat just made me think about.
You know, when we really tuneinto what feels good in our
bodies, it's possible that theconversations one is having
while under the influence ofalcohol, as a tool again to
support them in the conversation, isn't actually that fulfilling
(17:11):
or that like rewarding, ormaybe isn't actually people they
they want to converse with, andso that's interesting too,
where you get to to like I knowI just oh my gosh, small talk is
painful for me, but I couldsmall talk anyone's face off if
I was drinking my martini, right, so you do Again.
(17:33):
You just come back into thatself-attunement process, that
inner awareness, and there'ssome things that maybe you liked
doing or you thought were finewhile you were drinking.
That just won't work for youanymore when you're not.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
Yeah, 100%, and you'll realize that if you go
out without alcohol, you'llrealize, first of all, how crazy
things can be, and then youalso realize the conversations
You're like, wow, I can'tbelieve this is what I was
entertaining, right, it'll startto become apparent, Right.
Another thing that I think istough is kind of living in
(18:14):
accordance to your own values,especially when it comes to
something like alcohol.
It was so crazy when I wasgoing through kind of that six
month journey where I would tellfolks, hey, I'm, you know, I'm
not drinking, or whatever thecase may be.
And one, I do think that peopledid understand it, but they
(18:36):
thought I had a problem.
They thought it was a problemand they would ask me about, hey
, what happened?
And then I think, two, it wasalways a question of why you are
not doing it, and it's crazythat for us to, um, us not
(18:56):
drinking poison is actuallysomething that is.
I wouldn't say that, I wouldn'tsay people look down upon me,
but they did have questions.
They questioned what I wasdoing.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
Right, yes, yes.
So there's a the saying,especially in the alcohol free
community, that alcohol is theonly drug you have to justify
not taking, and it's a verybizarre place for a person to be
and the shame and the stigmaaround maybe having a problem
(19:32):
with alcohol is.
It's really unfortunate thatthat's true because it will stop
someone who actually maybe hasa self-proclaimed problem with
alcohol to actually get startedon the stopping process.
And it's just, it's reallychallenging to one make the
decision in the first placebecause again you're pulling
yourself out of the norm.
(19:52):
One, make the decision in thefirst place because again you're
you're pulling yourself out ofthe norm.
And then, two, to have toexplain yourself to someone.
Right, especially if you're nottotally solid and so grounded in
your decision, it can be veryeasy to have that coming at you,
sway you to go back to like,stop pressuring me, okay, I'll
do it, I'll drink, you know.
Yeah.
(20:12):
So I'm curious, like I can tellyou how I coach my clients.
But like, what did you say?
What did you say when peopleasked you why you weren't
drinking?
Speaker 1 (20:24):
I think I remember telling them that I was on a
challenge.
Right, I would just say I was ona challenge.
Telling them that I was on achallenge, right, I would just
say I'm on a challenge, even ifI even let's say if I, I would
make it seem as if it wastemporary, because it wasn't six
months, wasn't the plan.
(20:44):
It was okay, dry, dry January.
And then I was like, whoa, theway how sharp I feel, feel very
sharp, my skin feels really goodand it's cleaning up.
I see the health benefits first.
And then what it felt like tonot be hung over for a month
felt amazing.
And then it was like, okay,let's do another one, let's do
another one.
And it just I, just I was slowto get back to it because I
(21:09):
loved the way I was feeling,slow to get back to it because I
love the way I was feeling.
And I would just tell folks youknow, I'm on a challenge.
So it was like it was temporary, it was, it was not like I
don't drink anymore at all, itwas I am on a challenge.
And then folks would kind ofunderstand and they would want
to know a little bit more aboutit, right?
And then you have some folkswho like come on, like, drink,
(21:35):
drink.
Like the folks that would forceme to do it, I started to
realize that they also know thatthey need to make a change
themselves too.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
Yeah Well, you had like three things that you said
that really stood out to me,because the first is because it
makes me feel really good to notdrink.
It is a super valid responsebut also the illusion of it
being temporary, whether it isor not.
If someone's in it for forever,they can still portray it as
(22:07):
temporary, because the groupconscious of the people that
you're with now no longer feellike you're abandoning them.
Speaker 1 (22:14):
Right.
Speaker 2 (22:15):
Right, and so their guards are down.
They don't have to worry aboutit.
So that's a great strategy.
And then the third one was ohmy gosh, it's people who pushed,
oh yeah, yeah, people whopushed, who pushed oh yeah, yeah
, it's very interesting the onesthat like really come at you
(22:36):
because perhaps they areconfronted by their own
unhealthy relationship withalcohol and you're just a mirror
in their face and some peopledon't want to see it.
And they can get really upset byseeing it.
You know that's not your fault,that's definitely a them
problem, but that's a big oneone too.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
Yeah, 100%, and um, also too.
What I realized is that thepeople around you will start to
want to um, take some interestand they will also not want to
drink as well.
I, you know, I had countlessfriends say you know what I'm
not drinking tonight either,like I don't want to drink as
(23:14):
well.
I, you know, I had countlessfriends say you know what I'm
not drinking tonight either,like I don't want to drink
tonight.
Either Right, or they um, theywouldn't wake up the next day or
the next morning and they wouldenvy the way I felt.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:28):
So they would be like , man, I wish I would have did
what you did.
And so it might start as folksquestioning you, right it might.
It might develop into thempushing you and then it might
develop into them wanting tokind of do what you do, right
(23:48):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (23:49):
Yeah, it's that.
It's that ripple effect.
You know, the and also the oneswho get it, whether they are
alcohol free or not, will stayin your life and the ones who
don't get it will just fall away.
You know, someone who's goingalcohol free doesn't need to
just give up all of theiralcohol drinking friends.
(24:09):
I mean, you can if you want to.
I feel like it's a littleextreme.
I think you'll, over time,discern whether you want to
continue those friendships ornot if they are fulfilling you
and, you know, aligning with you.
But when you just stay thecourse, you know, oftentimes
people just don't want to be thefirst to go, or they just don't
(24:30):
want to go alone.
And so now you're the example,you stay the course and then,
like you said, that curiositycomes in like damn, you've been
at it for a month now and you'relike, why would you?
Because you feel really okay,like I'll give it a try, things
like that.
So I think that there's thisripple effect where, like, yes,
(24:53):
first you're doing it foryourself and then, unbeknownst
to you, you are also positivelysetting out this like goodbye
message to the people around youand some are going to jump on
the same boat and then some aregoing to stay on the shore, and
that's totally fine.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
Yeah, 100%, and I think um, you said it perfectly
letting those relationships kindof evolve naturally, right?
I think a lot of times folksjust you know what, I'm cutting
everybody off, I'm cuttingthings off.
You actually have to come froma place of empathy, right, and
(25:29):
understand, because at first,when folks would push me, I
would be like why are theypushing me?
Why can't they just understandwhat's going on?
And then I would kind of take astep back and I'd be like, oh,
it's a mirror, it's somethingthat is an insecurity for them,
and so I had to kind of take astep back.
(25:51):
And what's crazy is that youstart to realize this in all
things in life.
If you start to go on ahealthier diet, folks will
question that.
If you start to exercise andwork out more, people will
question that Train for amarathon.
You start to do bodybuilding,you start a business.
Whenever you start to do thingsthat are counter cultural,
(26:14):
folks will question you.
And so I feel like this is agood way to start to practice
that, because if you do want tolive in alignment with who you
are, you will truly start tolive a life that most folks
don't live, and you'll have tobe able to understand how to
(26:37):
handle um these things yeah, andlike how you do something.
Speaker 2 (26:45):
One thing in life is really how you do so many things
in your life and for me it itwas the Lauren that was behind
closed doors and her alcohol wasnot the Lauren that was
portrayed to the world.
Um, I definitely came off as avery confident, very outgoing,
(27:08):
you know, happy, energetic,motivated, all of that to the
outside world.
And then I would come home andjust you know, kind of
self-sabotage and what I learnedthrough my sobriety is like I
can truly accomplish what I setmy mind to, because staying
sober again it's no small featand it's like I can do her, and
(27:33):
I know I can do hard.
I mean, I'm a collegiateathlete.
Like I know what it is to set agoal and hit that goal, I know
what it means to win, and I justforgot all of that, you know.
But when I got sober, like allof that came back online and I
just remembered how to, how topush through the heart, how to
not quit when things get crunchy, you know.
(27:55):
And then that trickled intobecoming an entrepreneur and it
just has this ripple effect andit becomes like your character
strengthens in some areas andthen it trickles into many areas
of your life.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
Yeah, and you?
You?
You start to develop confidencein who you are in your path and
understanding that it's okayfor people not to understand you
.
Speaker 2 (28:22):
Which is tough.
We want to be liked, we want tobe accepted.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
Yeah, and I know for me, I truly struggle with that.
Yeah, truly struggle with that.
Yeah, you know, I trulystruggle with um being feeling
accepted and um people seeing mein a in a positive light, right
(28:48):
, um, and so it is when I startto realize that I can, would I
rather abandon others or would Irather abandon myself, abandon
others or would I rather abandonmyself?
Speaker 2 (28:56):
That is such a powerhouse question and I hope
everyone took it in the way.
I just took it in because Iknow for a fact when I was
drinking I was self-abandoningand it's so like soulfully
painful to abandon yourself.
It's so painful to abandonyourself and it's just like you
know you're on the airplane.
(29:16):
You got to put your own oxygenmask on first, and so it was
like, hey, you got to choose youand there might be some
collateral damage and you mightruffle some feathers and some
people might drop away.
But when we think about all ofthat in your energy field, when
that drops away, you've createdso much space for new things to
(29:37):
come in and I just think thatchoosing yourself has again this
ripple effect of really greatthings happening in your life.
Speaker 1 (29:45):
Yeah, that's.
I mean letting go can be hardbecause we don't realize that
it's better out there.
Because we don't realize thatit's better out there, yeah,
right, yeah, and we are.
We would rather have thatfamiliarity kind of vibe that we
feel when things are the samemy same friends, my same
(30:06):
routines, not understanding thatit is better out there if we
let it go.
Speaker 2 (30:14):
Yeah, I mean, we're such creatures of habit and
ritual you know drinking thatdrink before you even realize
you've opened the bottle andpoured it.
But the familiar, what you justsaid is a huge, huge point to
articulate on further.
Because sobriety is unknown,right.
(30:35):
So, like, even if yourrelationship with alcohol is
unhealthy and even if you're notfully fulfilled and satisfied
and energetic every single day,you still know it, like you know
it.
And even if you'reuncomfortable, there's some
comfort in that discomfortbecause it's familiar.
And now someone is like maybegoing to take this leap and they
(30:56):
don't know.
They don't know what's on theother side, they don't know what
they're going to land on.
If they're landing on grass, onrocks, if it's a freaking black
hole, they're just going to godown.
Like they don't know.
And so you stay in the familiarand it's like you just got to
let go.
Trust, trust fall.
Will there be a net to catchyou?
And, quite honestly, there'salso this saying, like the rock
(31:17):
bottom saying, and it's like youcan bounce off of rock bottom
as many times as you want aslong as you eventually like,
keep going up so you can let go.
And if, um, strategy number onedidn't work for you and maybe
like work through it again andtry a second time or try a third
time, but just keep tryinguntil you actually feel like
(31:39):
satisfied and fulfilled andhappy, you know, in your life.
Speaker 1 (31:44):
yeah and it's it's even crazy, because we can know
something is really good on theother side as well yes.
Speaker 2 (31:53):
well, that's why we have like living proof of people
that have already done it.
And so for you, for instance,in your friend group, going
first and then others trickling,you were the example that it
can't be good.
And that's why I love coaching,because I get to be the example
that it can be good.
And it's like, yes, you don'thave the experience yet, like
you have an experience that itcan be good, but if you can
(32:15):
trust me, I promise like I willhold your hand and I will guide
you to it being good.
So we just have to.
We can always find what isn'tgoing to work if we look for it,
but we can also find what doeswork and what is going right if
we look for it.
Speaker 1 (32:32):
Yeah, wow, so take us through your journey a little
of your journey then, becauseI'm sure when you went sober,
you said seven and a half yearsago, right Sometime in 2018, I'm
sure that wasn't the first timeyou tried right, or it wasn't
(32:55):
it kind of was.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
So I was a fitness instructor at the time and so I
had done challenge afterchallenge with you know, planks
or squat, whatever, like I wasall good with that.
But I honestly have no memoryof challenging myself to go
alcohol-free.
It was part of my identity.
(33:20):
I drank red wine with dinner.
I would get a top shelf vodkamartini if I went out with
friends, and so I just don'tremember taking a break.
Now did I say I'm not drinkingtomorrow?
Yes, like I probably said thata thousand times.
Then, of course, I woke up thenext day, probably started my
(33:42):
day with yoga and a green juiceand I felt really good and then,
by the time like dinner rolledaround, I had that glass of red
wine.
So truly no recollection of anextended break with alcohol.
So when I decided to get soberagain, this was seven and a half
years ago, I just checkedmyself into a treatment center
because I didn't know what elseto do.
(34:03):
Um, I I honestly didn't know ifthere were, like any other
options than that, so I justwent to one and that was 21
straight days being alcohol free, and I know for a fact that was
my longest streak going alcoholfree, and then I just obviously
kept it going.
Speaker 1 (34:21):
Yeah, do you remember ?
And cause?
I remember thinking like, wow,cause I remember going.
Maybe've gone without alcohol,maybe in 10 years, right, I
(34:43):
wonder how many people out therehave been drinking alcohol
regularly for over the lastdecade?
Last 20, you know?
I started to think about it.
I was like man, my bodyprobably needs this.
Speaker 2 (35:00):
Yeah, I was definitely a decade worth of
drinking as well.
I think my my longest streakalcohol free was probably.
I lived in Hawaii, I was I'm aroad cyclist, like a hundred
mile rides, things like that andI I got hit by a car, so I was
(35:21):
laid up and so I wasn't drinkingalcohol, and I remember, though
I wanted to have a glass ofwine, and my boyfriend at the
time was like no, you're notgoing to have a glass of wine.
Your body's healing, and itdidn't.
It didn't click to me thatputting this in my body would
(35:41):
take away the energy that mybody needs to heal the injuries,
like it.
Just there was no connection tothe negative repercussions of
alcohol.
Honestly, and part of that is Idon't have anyone in my family
that abused alcohol, so I don'thave like, I never witnessed it.
You know, firsthand, my wholefamily are normal social
drinkers, and so that's what Iwas striving to be.
(36:04):
But then, on the medicationthat I was on, when I finally
did have a glass of wine,probably a week or a week and a
half into recovering, it didn'ttaste good, like the medication
made it taste weird, and Iremember being like do I, do I
not like it anymore and beingwho would I be if I didn't drink
(36:26):
this wine?
And that was even before Irecognized I had a problem with
alcohol.
So of course, all of this is inhindsight, but yeah, there were
so many signs that I was waslike.
Speaker 1 (36:36):
This is very important to me yeah, and what
do you think made it important,so I would love, because you had
a relationship with it.
What do you think yourrelationship with it was?
What do you think you need it?
And then had it.
What do you think it is now, orwhat did it develop into?
Speaker 2 (36:57):
I think it started as kind of a way to fit in.
You know, I started drinking inhigh school even though I was a
almost straight A student, eventhough I was a varsity athlete,
even though I was a communitymember.
And then there was party Lauren.
It was like I started thedouble life really young.
So I think that it was just thecool thing and I went off the
(37:21):
freaking deep end freshman yearof college because I was finally
broken free from home.
So maybe that's how it started.
And then it became like asocialite status.
So when I got my firstcorporate job right out of
college, I went to a new town.
I didn't know anyone, I kind ofcollege.
I went to a new town, I didn'tknow anyone.
I kind of got embraced by, likethe older men in town and I
(37:42):
became just this socialite.
All I had to do was walk intothe bar and my drink would be
waiting for me.
So it did kind of tie intoidentity that way.
And it wasn't really until Igot my first house alone that I
noticed, okay, I'm drinking alot alone, you know.
And then it shifted into thatwhy was I drinking it?
(38:05):
I mean, I could say all thethings.
I was unhappy at my job.
I was you know I didn't likewhere I was living.
I wanted to whatever X, y, z,but it always comes down to the
inner landscape, even though welook at all the external things
first.
And it truly came down.
Of course, this is in hindsight, but it came down to what is my
(38:25):
purpose?
What am I here to do?
You know how am I going to doit?
Make people proud, most like mydad, um, and be happy.
So how can my definition ofsuccess, you know, align with
his?
And it was all of that innerturmoil that I was absolutely
drinking over.
Speaker 1 (38:47):
Yeah, and I think that's the key right there,
right?
Yeah, talk about addiction,right, and anything.
It is that inner world, right,and it's so many it it'll be so
many times where that innerworld will come up that mirror,
(39:12):
right, and you don't want toface it.
Yeah, you know.
You talk about being at homealone, right?
Speaker 2 (39:20):
Yeah, well, you know the saying wherever you go,
there you are.
So I thought, like from thecorporate job, I thought if I
just quit this job and getsomething new, then I'll be
happy and I won't drink as much.
And then that didn't solve theproblem.
(39:43):
So if I just moved back toHawaii where I grew up which I
did move back to Hawaii thenthat'll solve the problem.
And it didn't.
So it was always like theexternal, I thought, would fix
it and it didn't.
And I had a moment before I gotsober, when I was like already
hanging out on my rock bottom,like already hanging out on my
rock bottom where I almost movedto Costa Rica, and I just had
this like epiphany, thisrealization that I would still
(40:04):
have a drinking problem in CostaRica and so I didn't move to
Costa Rica.
Um, I did end up goingeventually, but that that was
like some sort of innerintervention.
You know that came through.
So, yeah, it's so easy topinpoint everything that's not
working around us and blame thedrinking problem on that, and
(40:26):
some of those things are validand true, but the real truth is
definitely going to be what's onthe inside, which kind of full
circles this conversation backto the noise.
And what are we?
What are the thoughts thatwe're drinking over?
Speaker 1 (40:39):
yeah, you, you said something that I hope folks take
, and it's the when I get newjob, I'll feel great.
When I get in a relationship,I'll feel great when I travel
(41:00):
and move somewhere.
It's going to make me better.
I'm going to live a better life, I'm going to feel better and,
like you said, wherever you go,there you are.
Speaker 2 (41:11):
Right, so do you like the person you're bringing with
?
Speaker 1 (41:16):
Yeah, the person that you're bringing with.
And what is it going to change?
Because I hear all the time youknow my job sucks and very well
you could be unsatisfied withyour work and what you do for a
living, right?
Maybe it's not that you're notable to live truly in accordance
to your values, right, not ableto live truly in accordance to
(41:37):
your values, right, but beingnegative about it all the time,
is that going to help, right?
And I feel a lot of times folksare super negative with their
current standings and they thinkabout the external and what
they're unhappy with on theexternal as opposed to looking
(41:59):
inside, right?
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (42:03):
Yeah, it all really comes down to the power of
choice, and so I do validatethat external your surroundings
and environment absolutely canimpact a hundred percent Right.
But also, no one can take awayyour inner landscape, no one can
(42:25):
crush your soul unless you givethem permission to like.
No one can take away your powerunless you give it to them.
And so it really just comesdown to this choice of yes, I
don't have enough dollars in thebank, I don't like where I live
, there's a leaky roof, but Ican still choose to, you know,
happy might be a big ask forsome people, but I can still
(42:46):
choose to be neutral, I canstill choose to, you know, yeah,
gratitude.
And so it really is that choice.
And I think when the inner worldisn't in a freaking tornado is
when the outer world starts to.
Things start to again fall intoplace or line up, like, if
(43:07):
you're looking at everythingthat's going wrong, then you'll
miss something that's goingright, like you've got the
reekiki roof or the leaky roof.
Did you notice that?
You know there's a house forrent down the road?
That's in your budget?
Speaker 1 (43:24):
probably not, because you're too focused on
everything that's not workingand that comes from the inside
first the inner world and youknow that we also talk about,
you know it can't take yourpower away and also to those
inner feelings, or those inneremotions that are positive, are
(43:46):
already within you as well, andso that new job probably can
give you a temporary boost ofhappiness, temporary boost of
happiness.
But as soon as the they startasking you to stay a little bit
later and it's a little bit morestressful, then you probably
won't be as happy, right?
You probably be right back tothat feeling.
Speaker 2 (44:08):
Yeah, and now it's the job's fault that you're not
happy, right?
Speaker 1 (44:12):
Exactly Right.
You get a new car the car itjust becomes a car, and then you
want to get a new one.
Right, you go to a new placeand it becomes your daily
routine.
Right it is.
It may help you temporarily toget these new things, but it'll
(44:34):
always come back to how can Ifeel the love that I already
have within?
And so that's been a journeyfor me.
That's been new and been fresh.
That I've even had to realizeon my own is it's already?
I already have it.
Speaker 2 (44:54):
I don't need to have external things validated for me
like you said, it's it's aninside job, it's it's our
responsibility.
You know, it's our innerresponsibility and our inner
choice on whether we, you know,get in an argument with someone
(45:16):
and slam the door behind us orwalk out quietly and gently,
shut it, like that's all aninner choice.
And for me, you know, sometimesI have really big feelings,
really big emotions, and they'reimportant.
They might be telling mesomething I need to process
through them, but it alwayscomes down to do I want to
continue feeling this way.
How do I want to feel instead?
(45:37):
Is it going to solve theproblem around me?
Not necessarily, but is itgoing to help me get back to
neutrality and back to peace?
Yes, and again from that innerstate is when we can start to
see things more clearly and makebetter decisions or respond
more appropriately, and thingslike that.
(45:58):
So it's do I like the way I'mfeeling?
No, you know, sometimes it'slike, well, actually hold on,
just give me a minute, I'm notquite done with my temper
tantrum yet.
And then it's like how do Iwant to feel instead?
And I, I, I do practice what Ipreach.
I mean, I just put it intopractice last night.
So it's like, how do I want tofeel instead?
How do I want to show up?
(46:19):
Do I want to be really grumpyand resentful and pinpoint all
the things that have gone wrong,or do I want to ask myself does
that really matter?
And like give a hug instead?
Speaker 1 (46:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (46:29):
Yeah 100%.
Speaker 1 (46:31):
You know, I had a friend call me a few weeks ago
and he was just complainingabout his job and different
things like that, and I let himget it all off right and then I
said gratitude, you know, youhave, you have a job in today's
market.
You have a job, you, you, youwork remotely.
(46:53):
At one point in time this wouldhave been a dream job for you,
right?
And so how can you?
You know, after you get allthat off right, you get those
emotions because we are human.
We will feel that, and I'm notsaying to be a robot and not
feel those emotions, because youwill and we all will.
(47:14):
But the hey, is this going toserve me?
Is this actually resourceful tojust sit in this and just
ruminate in it?
Speaker 2 (47:27):
Right, totally.
It just I had a life coach whenI first got sober.
He would be like you done,feeling that way, yet you know
like you done.
So like, yeah, giving it anhonest chance.
And I don't know, like maybethere's an audience listening
right now that's rolling theireyes with the word gratitude
because it's so overplayed in somany ways.
(47:51):
But I think that if, if anindividual that has a resistance
to a gratitude practice canjust come up with maybe their
own word choice or can maybejust come up with their own
personal understanding thatresonates with them, to kind of
get that resistance to go away,I don't I?
Speaker 1 (48:18):
how powerful it is to really take a step back and
realize all the things thatyou're grateful for.
Right, you didn't have to wakeup this morning to tell your
lungs to work, to tell yourheart to start pumping.
It is doing it on its own right.
And even I mean that's thebaseline, right, when I can't
(48:43):
think of anything, the baselineI can think of is like man, my
body is functioning and I'm ableto move around, and then you
just start to go from there andit's so many positive things you
can focus on, as opposed to theone or two negative things that
are going on in your life.
It's usually only one or twothings, right?
Speaker 2 (49:08):
And, like you said, it can be small.
You've got the baseline.
It can be little, just anythingthat moves the needle.
Again, neutral is the beautifulzone.
Like I know we've dropped thebeautiful zone.
Like I know we've dropped theword happy, I know we've dropped
the word joy and all of thosethings are phenomenal and
euphoric and orgasmic and wewant you to feel those things.
Yeah, but we're humans and tostay up here is not realistic
(49:30):
and so like we'll dip, we'llcome up, we'll dip, we'll come
up and, if we can, just kind ofland in that neutral zone like
we're killing it you know, um,there's actually an entire
chapter in my book that's comingout about gratitude,
specifically me calling my lifecoach and and like venting to
(49:51):
her that my then boyfriendwasn't taking our gratitude
practice seriously enough.
She was like, hold on, what'swhat's going on here?
Not only was he not taking itseriously enough, I also removed
myself from the situation andwas going to completely withhold
love from him to make sure thathe knew he wasn't taking it
(50:13):
serious enough and that I couldpunish him.
I mean, it's amazing where theego can go with this right.
And so the first guidance wasto go back into the room and
give him a hug, which I didn'twant to do.
But that's the concept ofgiving love is receiving love.
So if you're withholding lovefrom someone, you're actually
withholding it from yourself.
And then it was that it doesn'thave to be a macro gratitude.
(50:36):
It doesn't have to be grandiose.
If he's truly grateful thathe's sleeping in clean sheets,
that can be enough.
And I thought it had to be sospiritualized and so big.
And no, we have to keepourselves human too.
Speaker 1 (50:49):
Yeah, yeah that you know that neutral zone, trevor
Moed, who is a sportspsychologist he actually passed
a few years ago but he has abook called Getting Back to
Neutral and that neutral zone isespecially when you are just
(51:10):
not in the mood to be superhappy and peachy, and just not
in the mood for it, and so it'sOK.
How can I?
And so it's okay, how can I notbe negative then?
Speaker 2 (51:20):
how can I neutral is kind of a weird place to be.
When I first again got sober,it was like I was used to really
high highs like, because I wasliterally like getting high and
also drinking alcohol with justa depressant.
So I was also really used tolow lows.
And when I started to just havenon-eventful, you know, very
(51:42):
mundane, plain days, I wasn'tbored, I was just existing.
It's like what is this space?
I'm very unfamiliar with thisspace, not existing in a
hangover, not existing inself-pity, just honestly
existing.
And that's what I learned aboutthe neutral zone.
And it's such a great place tocatch your breath, to
(52:04):
recalibrate, to just chill, youknow.
So, yes, have your high moments.
Yes, be understanding thatyou'll have low moments and then
, just like, come back back tothat middle.
Speaker 1 (52:16):
Yeah, last thing I want to, I want to touch on
because you mentioned somethingthat was amazing to me is
withholding love.
You're withholding from others,You're withholding love from
yourself.
Walk me through that, because Ithink also through it.
All is that self-love practiceright?
All is that self-love practiceright?
(52:41):
And understanding that?
How can we have grace withourselves, love ourselves more
and really understand that?
So I want you to touch on that.
Speaker 2 (52:47):
Yeah.
So I'll say it again it's withlike, extending love is giving
love to yourself.
So if you're withholding love,then you're withholding yourself
from receiving the loveyourself.
So if you're withholding love,then you're withholding yourself
from receiving the love.
And, to put it into avisualization, it's like giving
someone a hug.
It's a mutual exchange and itfeels good for you, right?
(53:07):
So sometimes we're not huggingsomeone because they need it.
Sometimes we're hugging someonebecause we need it, right, and
like how many times have we justneeded to be held?
And yet we don't get that.
If we withhold it from someonebecause we're angry at them or
they did something wrong, and soit's almost a self punishment,
(53:29):
in a way.
And also what I love so muchabout just being brave enough to
step over your ego, that'stelling you not to give the hug
or whatever it might be, or tosay the nice thing, it could
just be as simple, as you know,after a big fight in the morning
, saying just wanted to let youknow I'm thinking of you, versus
giving the silent treatment.
It starts to soften you andthen again we land in that
(53:53):
neutral zone where we get tostart to see things a little bit
more clearly and maybe youunderstand why you got it uh,
you know, as upset as you did orsomething like that, and then
we can problem solve.
Or maybe you can approach theconversation from a
level-headedness place, you know, versus an attack place.
So at the end of the day, andwe can go like you can think of
(54:16):
it as inner child too it's justgiving that nurturing to the
part of you that's triggered oractivated or upset.
Speaker 1 (54:24):
I love that.
Yeah, yeah, you text him.
Hey, just to let you know I'mthinking about you, probably not
positive, but it's neutral.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (54:34):
I mean, I just went on a walk with a friend and
she's fighting with herboyfriend and she's like he
hasn't texted me today, so I'mnot going to text him.
Like how's that making you feel, oh, I want to text him.
Then text him.
You don't have to say I forgiveyou If you don't.
You can just say hey, like Iknow we're still in it right now
, but I'm just, or I still careabout you, whatever it might be,
and it's for you, it's for you.
Speaker 1 (55:02):
Yeah, 100 percent.
And I think and I love thatbecause I do feel like we do
hold back Receiving love or thatfeeling of love inside until
somebody else gives it to us.
Inside, until somebody elsegives it to us, we don't
actively go out and look to giveit, realizing that it is a
(55:31):
mutual exchange.
Right, and I start to realizethat as I start to add value to
people and give, I always feelbetter.
I always feel better.
Sure, you know you being a, acoach, you know it's times you
might not feel like getting on acall right, but when you get
off that call you feel energized, right.
(55:53):
I'm sure you feel energized andyou're like wow, that's why I'm
doing it right it's so good yeah, 100 yeah I.
Speaker 2 (56:02):
This year in particular has been, you know, a
year of a lot of loss for me, alot of like a lot of death this
year.
And what's interesting aboutthat?
Two things.
One is alcohol was never a toolthat even was remotely a
possible, you know, solution tohow I was feeling.
But, the second was I continuedto still serve my clients.
(56:23):
I could have been like, hey, Igotta take time, which is
totally fine too, you know, andI did any open gaps on my
schedule, I did block and thingslike that.
But even my boyfriend was likewhen you come out of your office
, you are glowing.
You know, in the, in the midstof all this grief, when you come
out from serving your peopleyou are glowing and it's so true
(56:45):
, it feels so good to be ofservice.
Speaker 1 (56:48):
Yeah, yeah.
People don't realize that beingof service, you forget about
the problems.
Honestly, it's for that momentyou and the other person and you
are hearing their problems andyou are helping solve their
problems and you're serving andyou're being of service.
And then you start to realizelike, oh, okay, this is what I'm
(57:15):
meant to do.
Especially at times, the energyeven that you come from is even
different, even come from amore empathetic place, a more
loving place, because it's alsohealing you too.
You can feel it actively as youserve, and so I think that's
(57:35):
another tool.
When you are, you know, youmight feel down in the dumps,
you might be going through ahard time.
If you can take your eyes offyourself, you may not be able to
put your eyes on positivethings in your world, but if you
can take the, the just the eyesoff yourself and put them on
somebody else, um, it's, it'svery healing.
Speaker 2 (57:58):
Yeah, oh, I'm just thinking like, aren't you bored
looking at yourself?
You know, like to flip it?
You know we teach what we needto learn, so as coaches, as
motivational speakers, asmentors, it's another way that
it's self-serving.
It's like when we are guidingsomeone else through it, we're
(58:19):
helping ourselves remember aswell, and then we can go put it
into practice.
And so, you know, does someonehave to be completely healed
from their you know, their lifeevents in order to be a guide or
a mentor to someone else?
Be a guide or a mentor tosomeone else, like no, you're
(58:39):
actually doing a disservice ifyou withhold your teachings
because there is no other you,there is no other person that's
gone through what you've gonethrough.
And even if you aren't with theanswer yet and it's still an I
don't know you can still be somesort of North star, guiding
light to someone who's a fewsteps behind you.
Yeah, you know so.
Speaker 1 (58:56):
I love it.
I love it.
Where, where, where can folksfind you?
Where can they continue tofollow your journey?
Um, and tell us a little bitabout blurred lines and, um,
that book that's coming out thisyear yeah, so find me on my
website, laurenfaycoachingcom,and fay has noe.
Speaker 2 (59:16):
So laurenfaycoachingcom and on is a
in your face pop-up of blurredlines and it's memoir.
But my objective with it was toinspire through storytelling.
So, yes, I am a coach, but Ididn't want to just write a
piece where I'm telling you hereare the lessons you know.
It's like here's what I wentthrough, here's what I learned
(59:37):
while I went through it and whatis your interpretation.
That's going to land in you,right, because people will maybe
forget what you tell them, butthey won't forget how it made
them feel.
So I really am working on thatfeeling.
Part of the memoir and it'sagain Blurred Lines my
reclamation of power fromalcohol addiction.
(59:58):
And it's again blurred lines,my reclamation of power from
(01:00:20):
alcohol addiction.
Ps, you are not powerless, andso I'm just showing what I went
through, what I learned toregain my power in brain, but as
a sovereign being, you are notpowerless.
And I think there's a reallyimportant distinction that's
missed.
And this is from my own learnedexperience, where that was what
I was hearing in the beginningof my journey and I just
interpreted that I was powerless.
And how are you supposed toreclaim your power if your story
is I am powerless, yeah, yeah.
(01:00:44):
So that's the book and you cansee a little tidbit of it on the
website and will come out in2025.
Speaker 1 (01:00:52):
Yeah, it's beautiful.
Now my camera actually fell.
Speaker 2 (01:00:56):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:00:58):
But here we go Blurred Lines, beautiful cover,
beautiful title, it's perfect.
Speaker 2 (01:01:04):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (01:01:06):
Great Lauren, we appreciate you.
It was a very fun podcast andwe learned a lot and I'm excited
to pick up the memoir and hearall about kind of your story on
a deeper level but also to, um,you know how your story, uh, can
(01:01:29):
help mine Right and I'm surefolks can understand and take
bits and pieces from your storyand and use it as a tool in
there.
So we appreciate you being onthe show.
Speaker 2 (01:01:39):
Thank you so much for having me Really insightful
conversation.
I look forward to sharing itwith my audience.
Speaker 1 (01:01:46):
I love it.
All right, Welcome to another episode of Playing
Injured.
We have Lauren Fay, who is analcohol-free empowerment coach,
speaker and author.
She also has a book coming outcalled Blurred Lines.
I told her it was the perfecttitle and I'm looking forward to
this episode.
Lauren, welcome to the show.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
Thanks, josh, thanks for having me.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
I love it, so I always start the show with who
is Lauren and how does she spendher time today?
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Lauren today loves to be outside, loves anything that
has to do with water.
The ocean is my most favorite,though.
I like to surf.
I love to stand up paddleboard.
I love to sleep on my stand uppaddleboard.
I love to sleep on my stand uppaddleboard.
I love to car camp.
I walk on trails.
(00:49):
I'm not too big of a hiker butI just love to play outside.
I love to cycle, but I wouldsay, if I had to say my most
favorite activity right now, itwould definitely be my stand up
paddleboard would definitely bemy stand-up paddleboard.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
You know what?
First of all didn't prep forthe show to go this way, but I
actually love your answer.
I'm going to tell you why.
Sitting in therapy for myself,right, always focused, always
wanting to work, always, youknow, thinking about kind of
getting traction in some form orfashion.
And I got a question of what doyou do for fun?
(01:30):
What's fun for you?
And I asked friends near dearto me hey, what do you do for
fun?
I ask people often what do theydo for fun?
And mostly fun is and mostlyfun is going out with your
buddies grabbing some beer,maybe with the ladies grabbing
some wine going out.
(01:51):
It's alcohol involved.
That's where we have Right, andso I was looking at your
website Right and as a quotethat I saw, it said living in
alcohol free life has allowed meto create and live the life of
my dreams.
Now I have time, space andenergy to truly play Experiences
(02:13):
I knew I was missing out onwhen I was stuck in the cycle of
drinking.
Now I wrote this quote becauseof the thoughts that I had about
play and trying to find ways tohave fun.
And here you are when youdescribe who you are and what do
(02:36):
you do?
It was all things of play, offun, so I love that and I would
love for you to unpack that more.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
You know, I quite honestly, completely forgot that
anything related to alcoholcould have been an answer to
that question.
It is literally that so far outof my mind and out of the way
that I live.
I'm seven and a half yearssober, seven and a half years
alcohol free and I just forgotthat it absolutely would have
(03:05):
been something to do with redwine or something to do with a
vodka martini, a hundred percent.
But what I really like, thewhole foundation upon which I
coach and which I live, is thatwhen I was I'll just speak for
myself when I was drinkingalcohol, I wasn't truly living.
There were plenty of fun times,but there was also so much time
(03:28):
for me recovering from the drink.
There was so much time for me,for me like obsessing over the
drink if I was going to drink,if I wasn't going to drink, and
that like mental back and forth.
And so when I think about itbeing fun, compared to like
having fun, today it was, I waskind of like false fun, you know
, and today it feels veryorganic and very real and easy
(03:54):
and, quite honestly, when Ithink about this life and we
have no idea how much time wehave it's like play is
definitely a word that I like tokeep in the forefront of my
mind Play is definitely a wordthat I like to keep in the
forefront of my mind.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
Yeah, well, yeah, how can I guess?
Because I know I've struggledwith this and I still struggle
with fun.
My idea of fun, right, and itusually has come from, you know,
spring break in college.
I think about the fun times.
I think about, you know, allthe times out.
But along with that fun, I dothink about the crazy hangovers,
the times I might have woken uplate for a practice and getting
(04:37):
in trouble for it, the timeswhere, you know, I show up late
for work, times where I've beenunproductive.
From that fun as well, missopportunities have come.
With that fun and I know peoplelisten to this can relate to
those moments, right?
Speaker 2 (04:53):
Yes, and especially as I'm writing my book, which is
memoir, I had to really putmyself back in my drinking days
and there are so manycringeworthy moments.
You know that I'm putting in mybook for everyone to read and
it's like that.
That wasn't fun.
You know.
There's a long list of thingsthat I would have been fine if I
(05:16):
hadn't have done so, and whatdo you think is fun?
Speaker 1 (05:20):
like if you had to describe fun, because I just oh
go ahead oh yeah, I just thinkwe need to change our
relationship to what it meanswell, oh my gosh, you totally
just nailed it.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
it's exactly to your understanding of it and to your
own definition of it.
I know for my mom, fun for forher is if she could be
uninterrupted for the entire daywith her book and like a cup of
hot tea, and that is her idealfun.
And so I think that it's mostimportant to just be really
(05:53):
honest with yourself, and itdoesn't matter if it looks
different from other people'sidea of fun.
Um, if it gives you that innerjoy, then then you're nailing it
and that's the most importantthing.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
Yeah, I was looking.
I saw something on yourInstagram where you talked about
that attunement to self, right,really being in alignment with
self and listening to yourintuition, and so you just
reminded me that of you talkabout that inner joy in really
being in alignment with it,right, when you go out and drink
, is it?
You know, hey, are you reallyfeeling that inner joy or are
(06:32):
you just in routine, right?
Speaker 2 (06:35):
Yeah, in routine, in ritual, in habit and again, I'm
not here to villainize alcohol Ithink that there are plenty of
times where you go out with yourfriends and it is fun, but as
it stacks and stacks and as yourecover more from over consuming
or as you have less energy togo to practice or to hit the gym
or to, you know, show up atwork, then we get to look at the
(06:58):
picture and the macro and say,like, in the big picture, is
this really fun or is thisreally having all of the you
know effects in my life the waythat I want it to?
And that's comes back down tobeing really honest with
yourself.
But yeah, of course there'ssome nights where I love to
dance.
Now I just do it sober which.
(07:18):
I didn't know was possible, butit is.
So I'll still go to the clubsand I'll still dance and sit in
my club soda with a lime, um.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
So yeah, just getting honest with yourself and tuning
in to that, that inner guidanceyeah, now, now you know you
mentioned it like going out anddancing without, um, being
inebriated, or yeah, right, andso I feel like a lot of folks
drink because they don't want tothink right, that thinking is
(07:48):
holding them back from trulyfully expressing right.
And so I know when I you know,when I told you, when I reached
out to you about this podcast, Iwent about six months in 2024
last year without drinking anyalcohol.
The number one thing that Irealized was my thinking and how
(08:11):
loud it was.
It was so loud when I would goand do things without it, right,
going to, and I did everythingI would.
I would go on dates and I wouldhave to explain, hey, I'm not
drinking alcohol, right, andusually, actually that went well
(08:32):
.
Going out to bars, dinnerwithout it.
My mind was so loud, right, ofself-conscious thoughts how are
people receiving me this, thisand that?
And the first thing I wouldrealize when I'm with a group of
friends is like, let's go tothe bar, like they obviously had
(08:54):
those feelings too of of thatthinking being turned up
extremely loud.
And so, um, that was the firstthing that I noticed was how
loud my thinking was.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
I can relate to that so much.
And also I just want to reallycongratulate you and honor you
in going six months, becausethat is a big feat, you know, a
personal accomplishment.
But also to be alcohol free inour society today that is, you
know, lubricated by alcohol andvery socially acceptable.
It's hard to break away.
(09:30):
You belong when you drink.
You then somehow don't belongwhen you don't.
We have to find a way to.
So I just want to honor youthat.
And giving yourself six monthsis huge, because the first 30
days is the detox.
The first 30 days is the bodyjust being like oh, thanks for
the break.
You know, I'll start, I'll startcoming back online now.
(09:50):
Um and detox, not medical detox.
Just, you know the purge.
So, with that being said, um,the noise so loud, and I know
that people often think like thesaying is they drink to cover
their pain or things like that.
You don't have to be so downand so dark, you know, to drink
(10:10):
alcohol For me, I am anoverachiever, I put a lot of
pressure on myself, I haveperfectionism tendencies, I get
overwhelmed very easily, and sothe alcohol was my exhale, right
, and in that exhale, thosethoughts and the noise kind of
dropped a little bit.
Like you said, the volume turnedup when you took away the
(10:31):
alcohol.
And for me, like I drank thealcohol and which, if you
haven't heard of it or if yourlisteners haven't heard of it,
it's a 10 day silent meditationand total silence.
Not only are you not talking,you're also not writing, you're
(10:54):
not making eye contact, and itwas and it's like 12 hours of
meditation a day.
My physical body was in so muchpain but I was like, oh, my God
, god, it is so loud in my brain, so loud in my body, and
everything was just amplified.
And that's how I knew that justtaking out the alcohol isn't
(11:15):
the full picture like we had.
We stopped drinking and there'sso much more to do yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
So you talk about it too.
The mind and the body, right,and I'm sure you know you have
clients today that deal withmaybe that feeling in their
chest, that anxiousness of youknow, maybe a networking event.
You know, anytime it feels likeanytime you do anything,
(11:44):
there's sometimes a probleminvolved, right, and you feel it
in your chest, maybe, thatanxiety maybe in your mind.
Right, you want to loosen up,you want to kind of turn that
thinking down, but it has to bea way to do that sober, right.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
There is and it takes practice.
It definitely doesn't just comeonline immediately, but I think
it really also comes to justasking yourself a lot of curious
questions like why do I have somany of these thoughts in?
(12:26):
I will notice that a lot of ourthoughts are the same.
There's a lot of repetitivethoughts going on, a lot of
repetitive stories going on,whether you're body shaming
yourself or money shamingyourself, or career shaming
yourself, whatever it might beand so then we just get to ask,
like, why is that the story youknow?
And then, once we kind ofdismantle that, the noise can
get a little bit quieter.
(12:47):
We just have to stop fueling it.
So can you do it sober,absolutely, in fact, I think you
do it better sober, because youare online to have this really
deep introspection.
Speaker 1 (12:57):
And you get to know yourself better.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
Yeah, you really do get to.
It gets really, really real.
One, when you get real withyourself, but two, when you just
take out the thing that'sthat's altering your, your
personality, that's maybemisaligning you from your values
, that's maybe having you saythings you wouldn't say or do
things you would normally do.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
And then it gets really real, but also too right
what I've started to realize too, especially in today's society,
(13:37):
most folks don't haveconversations with strangers or
different things like thatwithout alcohol, right?
So if I had to describe the dayof you know somebody here in
America, I'm thinking aboutsomebody who, when they leave
the house, they put theirheadphones on go to work, right,
and then hey, at work maybethey have their headphones on,
they're working with music orwhatever the case may be.
they have their work calls, theyleave, they go to the grocery
(13:59):
store they have their headphoneson, and then they go to the gym
they have their headphones on.
They have their headphones onall the way until they get to
work and they haven't reallyinteracted with people, right?
It's almost like that socialanxiety of just wanting to be in
your own inner bubble and then,you know, until you have
(14:23):
alcohol is when you kind of openup and start to uh express
yourself and different thingslike that.
So that's another thing thatI've observed too.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
You know, something I learned about myself when I
stopped drinking alcohol was I'mactually not as extroverted as
I thought I was.
Like I actually love my quiettime, I love my alone time.
I'm like a self-labeled, likelone wolf, but I have my close
friends, I have my partnerships.
You know, it's all good, but tome it was the alcohol kind of
(14:58):
falsely opened me up becausesomething that I learned in my
sobriety as well, as I'm veryhighly sensitive and I'm very
tuned into the energy around me,and so I'd go out and be very
social and then I'd come homeand I'd be exhausted, you know,
and I didn't understand why.
And it was like I was justoverextending myself beyond what
(15:20):
I would normally do if I reallyknew who I was and that I like
I'm good in small bursts, youknow, um, but what you were
saying, with, like headphones onhead down, you know, in Seattle
we call that the Seattle freezeLike I'm a cyclist, you know,
you, you, it's just like youwave your hand to the person you
pass and like there's no eyecontact, there's no hand wave.
It's just the weirdest,weirdest thing.
(15:42):
So I understand using thealcohol to then come out of that
.
Yeah, I mean again, I get itlike it is a tool, I totally get
it, and so again, not here tovillainize it, but, um, it's
possible to learn how to do thatwithout it exactly, and so
that's.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
I guess that is my when.
When I talk about therelationship with it, it's the
consciousness of am I relying onit?
Yeah, Am I having fun with itand enjoying it?
Speaker 2 (16:17):
right.
Speaker 1 (16:17):
Yeah, and it's that recognition of.
Am I able to enjoyconversations, dance freely
right, actually understand theway my mind works in thoughts
and I'm able to let thosethoughts bypass and just live my
(16:41):
life without depending onalcohol to to help me.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
I think that's the conscious piece of it all yeah,
it is, and you said somethingthat just made me think about.
You know, when we really tuneinto what feels good in our
bodies, it's possible that theconversations one is having
while under the influence ofalcohol, as a tool again to
support them in the conversation, isn't actually that fulfilling
(17:11):
or that like rewarding, ormaybe isn't actually people they
they want to converse with, andso that's interesting too,
where you get to to like I knowI just oh my gosh, small talk is
painful for me, but I couldsmall talk anyone's face off if
I was drinking my martini, right, so you do Again.
(17:33):
You just come back into thatself-attunement process, that
inner awareness, and there'ssome things that maybe you liked
doing or you thought were finewhile you were drinking.
That just won't work for youanymore when you're not.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
Yeah, 100%, and you'll realize that if you go
out without alcohol, you'llrealize, first of all, how crazy
things can be, and then youalso realize the conversations
You're like, wow, I can'tbelieve this is what I was
entertaining, right, it'll startto become apparent, Right.
Another thing that I think istough is kind of living in
(18:14):
accordance to your own values,especially when it comes to
something like alcohol.
It was so crazy when I wasgoing through kind of that six
month journey where I would tellfolks, hey, I'm, you know, I'm
not drinking, or whatever thecase may be.
And one, I do think that peopledid understand it, but they
(18:36):
thought I had a problem.
They thought it was a problemand they would ask me about, hey
, what happened?
And then I think, two, it wasalways a question of why you are
not doing it, and it's crazythat for us to, um, us not
(18:56):
drinking poison is actuallysomething that is.
I wouldn't say that, I wouldn'tsay people look down upon me,
but they did have questions.
They questioned what I wasdoing.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
Right, yes, yes.
So there's a the saying,especially in the alcohol free
community, that alcohol is theonly drug you have to justify
not taking, and it's a verybizarre place for a person to be
and the shame and the stigmaaround maybe having a problem
(19:32):
with alcohol is.
It's really unfortunate thatthat's true because it will stop
someone who actually maybe hasa self-proclaimed problem with
alcohol to actually get startedon the stopping process.
And it's just, it's reallychallenging to one make the
decision in the first placebecause again you're pulling
yourself out of the norm.
(19:52):
One, make the decision in thefirst place because again you're
you're pulling yourself out ofthe norm.
And then, two, to have toexplain yourself to someone.
Right, especially if you're nottotally solid and so grounded in
your decision, it can be veryeasy to have that coming at you,
sway you to go back to like,stop pressuring me, okay, I'll
do it, I'll drink, you know.
Yeah.
(20:12):
So I'm curious, like I can tellyou how I coach my clients.
But like, what did you say?
What did you say when peopleasked you why you weren't
drinking?
Speaker 1 (20:24):
I think I remember telling them that I was on a
challenge.
Right, I would just say I was ona challenge.
Telling them that I was on achallenge, right, I would just
say I'm on a challenge, even ifI even let's say if I, I would
make it seem as if it wastemporary, because it wasn't six
months, wasn't the plan.
(20:44):
It was okay, dry, dry January.
And then I was like, whoa, theway how sharp I feel, feel very
sharp, my skin feels really goodand it's cleaning up.
I see the health benefits first.
And then what it felt like tonot be hung over for a month
felt amazing.
And then it was like, okay,let's do another one, let's do
another one.
And it just I, just I was slowto get back to it because I
(21:09):
loved the way I was feeling,slow to get back to it because I
love the way I was feeling.
And I would just tell folks youknow, I'm on a challenge.
So it was like it was temporary, it was, it was not like I
don't drink anymore at all, itwas I am on a challenge.
And then folks would kind ofunderstand and they would want
to know a little bit more aboutit, right?
And then you have some folkswho like come on, like, drink,
(21:35):
drink.
Like the folks that would forceme to do it, I started to
realize that they also know thatthey need to make a change
themselves too.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
Yeah Well, you had like three things that you said
that really stood out to me,because the first is because it
makes me feel really good to notdrink.
It is a super valid responsebut also the illusion of it
being temporary, whether it isor not.
If someone's in it for forever,they can still portray it as
(22:07):
temporary, because the groupconscious of the people that
you're with now no longer feellike you're abandoning them.
Speaker 1 (22:14):
Right.
Speaker 2 (22:15):
Right, and so their guards are down.
They don't have to worry aboutit.
So that's a great strategy.
And then the third one was ohmy gosh, it's people who pushed,
oh yeah, yeah, people whopushed, who pushed oh yeah, yeah
, it's very interesting the onesthat like really come at you
(22:36):
because perhaps they areconfronted by their own
unhealthy relationship withalcohol and you're just a mirror
in their face and some peopledon't want to see it.
And they can get really upset byseeing it.
You know that's not your fault,that's definitely a them
problem, but that's a big oneone too.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
Yeah, 100%, and um, also too.
What I realized is that thepeople around you will start to
want to um, take some interestand they will also not want to
drink as well.
I, you know, I had countlessfriends say you know what I'm
not drinking tonight either,like I don't want to drink as
(23:14):
well.
I, you know, I had countlessfriends say you know what I'm
not drinking tonight either,like I don't want to drink
tonight.
Either Right, or they um, theywouldn't wake up the next day or
the next morning and they wouldenvy the way I felt.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:28):
So they would be like , man, I wish I would have did
what you did.
And so it might start as folksquestioning you, right it might.
It might develop into thempushing you and then it might
develop into them wanting tokind of do what you do, right
(23:48):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (23:49):
Yeah, it's that.
It's that ripple effect.
You know, the and also the oneswho get it, whether they are
alcohol free or not, will stayin your life and the ones who
don't get it will just fall away.
You know, someone who's goingalcohol free doesn't need to
just give up all of theiralcohol drinking friends.
(24:09):
I mean, you can if you want to.
I feel like it's a littleextreme.
I think you'll, over time,discern whether you want to
continue those friendships ornot if they are fulfilling you
and, you know, aligning with you.
But when you just stay thecourse, you know, oftentimes
people just don't want to be thefirst to go, or they just don't
(24:30):
want to go alone.
And so now you're the example,you stay the course and then,
like you said, that curiositycomes in like damn, you've been
at it for a month now and you'relike, why would you?
Because you feel really okay,like I'll give it a try, things
like that.
So I think that there's thisripple effect where, like, yes,
(24:53):
first you're doing it foryourself and then, unbeknownst
to you, you are also positivelysetting out this like goodbye
message to the people around youand some are going to jump on
the same boat and then some aregoing to stay on the shore, and
that's totally fine.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
Yeah, 100%, and I think um, you said it perfectly
letting those relationships kindof evolve naturally, right?
I think a lot of times folksjust you know what, I'm cutting
everybody off, I'm cuttingthings off.
You actually have to come froma place of empathy, right, and
(25:29):
understand, because at first,when folks would push me, I
would be like why are theypushing me?
Why can't they just understandwhat's going on?
And then I would kind of take astep back and I'd be like, oh,
it's a mirror, it's somethingthat is an insecurity for them,
and so I had to kind of take astep back.
(25:51):
And what's crazy is that youstart to realize this in all
things in life.
If you start to go on ahealthier diet, folks will
question that.
If you start to exercise andwork out more, people will
question that Train for amarathon.
You start to do bodybuilding,you start a business.
Whenever you start to do thingsthat are counter cultural,
(26:14):
folks will question you.
And so I feel like this is agood way to start to practice
that, because if you do want tolive in alignment with who you
are, you will truly start tolive a life that most folks
don't live, and you'll have tobe able to understand how to
(26:37):
handle um these things yeah, andlike how you do something.
Speaker 2 (26:45):
One thing in life is really how you do so many things
in your life and for me it itwas the Lauren that was behind
closed doors and her alcohol wasnot the Lauren that was
portrayed to the world.
Um, I definitely came off as avery confident, very outgoing,
(27:08):
you know, happy, energetic,motivated, all of that to the
outside world.
And then I would come home andjust you know, kind of
self-sabotage and what I learnedthrough my sobriety is like I
can truly accomplish what I setmy mind to, because staying
sober again it's no small featand it's like I can do her, and
(27:33):
I know I can do hard.
I mean, I'm a collegiateathlete.
Like I know what it is to set agoal and hit that goal, I know
what it means to win, and I justforgot all of that, you know.
But when I got sober, like allof that came back online and I
just remembered how to, how topush through the heart, how to
not quit when things get crunchy, you know.
(27:55):
And then that trickled intobecoming an entrepreneur and it
just has this ripple effect andit becomes like your character
strengthens in some areas andthen it trickles into many areas
of your life.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
Yeah, and you?
You?
You start to develop confidencein who you are in your path and
understanding that it's okayfor people not to understand you
.
Speaker 2 (28:22):
Which is tough.
We want to be liked, we want tobe accepted.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
Yeah, and I know for me, I truly struggle with that.
Yeah, truly struggle with that.
Yeah, you know, I trulystruggle with um being feeling
accepted and um people seeing mein a in a positive light, right
(28:48):
, um, and so it is when I startto realize that I can, would I
rather abandon others or would Irather abandon myself, abandon
others or would I rather abandonmyself?
Speaker 2 (28:56):
That is such a powerhouse question and I hope
everyone took it in the way.
I just took it in because Iknow for a fact when I was
drinking I was self-abandoningand it's so like soulfully
painful to abandon yourself.
It's so painful to abandonyourself and it's just like you
know you're on the airplane.
(29:16):
You got to put your own oxygenmask on first, and so it was
like, hey, you got to choose youand there might be some
collateral damage and you mightruffle some feathers and some
people might drop away.
But when we think about all ofthat in your energy field, when
that drops away, you've createdso much space for new things to
(29:37):
come in and I just think thatchoosing yourself has again this
ripple effect of really greatthings happening in your life.
Speaker 1 (29:45):
Yeah, that's.
I mean letting go can be hardbecause we don't realize that
it's better out there.
Because we don't realize thatit's better out there, yeah,
right, yeah, and we are.
We would rather have thatfamiliarity kind of vibe that we
feel when things are the samemy same friends, my same
(30:06):
routines, not understanding thatit is better out there if we
let it go.
Speaker 2 (30:14):
Yeah, I mean, we're such creatures of habit and
ritual you know drinking thatdrink before you even realize
you've opened the bottle andpoured it.
But the familiar, what you justsaid is a huge, huge point to
articulate on further.
Because sobriety is unknown,right.
(30:35):
So, like, even if yourrelationship with alcohol is
unhealthy and even if you're notfully fulfilled and satisfied
and energetic every single day,you still know it, like you know
it.
And even if you'reuncomfortable, there's some
comfort in that discomfortbecause it's familiar.
And now someone is like maybegoing to take this leap and they
(30:56):
don't know.
They don't know what's on theother side, they don't know what
they're going to land on.
If they're landing on grass, onrocks, if it's a freaking black
hole, they're just going to godown.
Like they don't know.
And so you stay in the familiarand it's like you just got to
let go.
Trust, trust fall.
Will there be a net to catchyou?
And, quite honestly, there'salso this saying, like the rock
(31:17):
bottom saying, and it's like youcan bounce off of rock bottom
as many times as you want aslong as you eventually like,
keep going up so you can let go.
And if, um, strategy number onedidn't work for you and maybe
like work through it again andtry a second time or try a third
time, but just keep tryinguntil you actually feel like
(31:39):
satisfied and fulfilled andhappy, you know, in your life.
Speaker 1 (31:44):
yeah and it's it's even crazy, because we can know
something is really good on theother side as well yes.
Speaker 2 (31:53):
well, that's why we have like living proof of people
that have already done it.
And so for you, for instance,in your friend group, going
first and then others trickling,you were the example that it
can't be good.
And that's why I love coaching,because I get to be the example
that it can be good.
And it's like, yes, you don'thave the experience yet, like
you have an experience that itcan be good, but if you can
(32:15):
trust me, I promise like I willhold your hand and I will guide
you to it being good.
So we just have to.
We can always find what isn'tgoing to work if we look for it,
but we can also find what doeswork and what is going right if
we look for it.
Speaker 1 (32:32):
Yeah, wow, so take us through your journey a little
of your journey then, becauseI'm sure when you went sober,
you said seven and a half yearsago, right Sometime in 2018, I'm
sure that wasn't the first timeyou tried right, or it wasn't
(32:55):
it kind of was.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
So I was a fitness instructor at the time and so I
had done challenge afterchallenge with you know, planks
or squat, whatever, like I wasall good with that.
But I honestly have no memoryof challenging myself to go
alcohol-free.
It was part of my identity.
(33:20):
I drank red wine with dinner.
I would get a top shelf vodkamartini if I went out with
friends, and so I just don'tremember taking a break.
Now did I say I'm not drinkingtomorrow?
Yes, like I probably said thata thousand times.
Then, of course, I woke up thenext day, probably started my
(33:42):
day with yoga and a green juiceand I felt really good and then,
by the time like dinner rolledaround, I had that glass of red
wine.
So truly no recollection of anextended break with alcohol.
So when I decided to get soberagain, this was seven and a half
years ago, I just checkedmyself into a treatment center
because I didn't know what elseto do.
(34:03):
Um, I I honestly didn't know ifthere were, like any other
options than that, so I justwent to one and that was 21
straight days being alcohol free, and I know for a fact that was
my longest streak going alcoholfree, and then I just obviously
kept it going.
Speaker 1 (34:21):
Yeah, do you remember ?
And cause?
I remember thinking like, wow,cause I remember going.
Maybe've gone without alcohol,maybe in 10 years, right, I
(34:43):
wonder how many people out therehave been drinking alcohol
regularly for over the lastdecade?
Last 20, you know?
I started to think about it.
I was like man, my bodyprobably needs this.
Speaker 2 (35:00):
Yeah, I was definitely a decade worth of
drinking as well.
I think my my longest streakalcohol free was probably.
I lived in Hawaii, I was I'm aroad cyclist, like a hundred
mile rides, things like that andI I got hit by a car, so I was
(35:21):
laid up and so I wasn't drinkingalcohol, and I remember, though
I wanted to have a glass ofwine, and my boyfriend at the
time was like no, you're notgoing to have a glass of wine.
Your body's healing, and itdidn't.
It didn't click to me thatputting this in my body would
(35:41):
take away the energy that mybody needs to heal the injuries,
like it.
Just there was no connection tothe negative repercussions of
alcohol.
Honestly, and part of that is Idon't have anyone in my family
that abused alcohol, so I don'thave like, I never witnessed it.
You know, firsthand, my wholefamily are normal social
drinkers, and so that's what Iwas striving to be.
(36:04):
But then, on the medicationthat I was on, when I finally
did have a glass of wine,probably a week or a week and a
half into recovering, it didn'ttaste good, like the medication
made it taste weird, and Iremember being like do I, do I
not like it anymore and beingwho would I be if I didn't drink
(36:26):
this wine?
And that was even before Irecognized I had a problem with
alcohol.
So of course, all of this is inhindsight, but yeah, there were
so many signs that I was waslike.
Speaker 1 (36:36):
This is very important to me yeah, and what
do you think made it important,so I would love, because you had
a relationship with it.
What do you think yourrelationship with it was?
What do you think you need it?
And then had it.
What do you think it is now, orwhat did it develop into?
Speaker 2 (36:57):
I think it started as kind of a way to fit in.
You know, I started drinking inhigh school even though I was a
almost straight A student, eventhough I was a varsity athlete,
even though I was a communitymember.
And then there was party Lauren.
It was like I started thedouble life really young.
So I think that it was just thecool thing and I went off the
(37:21):
freaking deep end freshman yearof college because I was finally
broken free from home.
So maybe that's how it started.
And then it became like asocialite status.
So when I got my firstcorporate job right out of
college, I went to a new town.
I didn't know anyone, I kind ofcollege.
I went to a new town, I didn'tknow anyone.
I kind of got embraced by, likethe older men in town and I
(37:42):
became just this socialite.
All I had to do was walk intothe bar and my drink would be
waiting for me.
So it did kind of tie intoidentity that way.
And it wasn't really until Igot my first house alone that I
noticed, okay, I'm drinking alot alone, you know.
And then it shifted into thatwhy was I drinking it?
(38:05):
I mean, I could say all thethings.
I was unhappy at my job.
I was you know I didn't likewhere I was living.
I wanted to whatever X, y, z,but it always comes down to the
inner landscape, even though welook at all the external things
first.
And it truly came down.
Of course, this is in hindsight, but it came down to what is my
(38:25):
purpose?
What am I here to do?
You know how am I going to doit?
Make people proud, most like mydad, um, and be happy.
So how can my definition ofsuccess, you know, align with
his?
And it was all of that innerturmoil that I was absolutely
drinking over.
Speaker 1 (38:47):
Yeah, and I think that's the key right there,
right?
Yeah, talk about addiction,right, and anything.
It is that inner world, right,and it's so many it it'll be so
many times where that innerworld will come up that mirror,
(39:12):
right, and you don't want toface it.
Yeah, you know.
You talk about being at homealone, right?
Speaker 2 (39:20):
Yeah, well, you know the saying wherever you go,
there you are.
So I thought, like from thecorporate job, I thought if I
just quit this job and getsomething new, then I'll be
happy and I won't drink as much.
And then that didn't solve theproblem.
(39:43):
So if I just moved back toHawaii where I grew up which I
did move back to Hawaii thenthat'll solve the problem.
And it didn't.
So it was always like theexternal, I thought, would fix
it and it didn't.
And I had a moment before I gotsober, when I was like already
hanging out on my rock bottom,like already hanging out on my
rock bottom where I almost movedto Costa Rica, and I just had
this like epiphany, thisrealization that I would still
(40:04):
have a drinking problem in CostaRica and so I didn't move to
Costa Rica.
Um, I did end up goingeventually, but that that was
like some sort of innerintervention.
You know that came through.
So, yeah, it's so easy topinpoint everything that's not
working around us and blame thedrinking problem on that, and
(40:26):
some of those things are validand true, but the real truth is
definitely going to be what's onthe inside, which kind of full
circles this conversation backto the noise.
And what are we?
What are the thoughts thatwe're drinking over?
Speaker 1 (40:39):
yeah, you, you said something that I hope folks take
, and it's the when I get newjob, I'll feel great.
When I get in a relationship,I'll feel great when I travel
(41:00):
and move somewhere.
It's going to make me better.
I'm going to live a better life, I'm going to feel better and,
like you said, wherever you go,there you are.
Speaker 2 (41:11):
Right, so do you like the person you're bringing with
?
Speaker 1 (41:16):
Yeah, the person that you're bringing with.
And what is it going to change?
Because I hear all the time youknow my job sucks and very well
you could be unsatisfied withyour work and what you do for a
living, right?
Maybe it's not that you're notable to live truly in accordance
to your values, right, not ableto live truly in accordance to
(41:37):
your values, right, but beingnegative about it all the time,
is that going to help, right?
And I feel a lot of times folksare super negative with their
current standings and they thinkabout the external and what
they're unhappy with on theexternal as opposed to looking
(41:59):
inside, right?
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (42:03):
Yeah, it all really comes down to the power of
choice, and so I do validatethat external your surroundings
and environment absolutely canimpact a hundred percent Right.
But also, no one can take awayyour inner landscape, no one can
(42:25):
crush your soul unless you givethem permission to like.
No one can take away your powerunless you give it to them.
And so it really just comesdown to this choice of yes, I
don't have enough dollars in thebank, I don't like where I live
, there's a leaky roof, but Ican still choose to, you know,
happy might be a big ask forsome people, but I can still
(42:46):
choose to be neutral, I canstill choose to, you know, yeah,
gratitude.
And so it really is that choice.
And I think when the inner worldisn't in a freaking tornado is
when the outer world starts to.
Things start to again fall intoplace or line up, like, if
(43:07):
you're looking at everythingthat's going wrong, then you'll
miss something that's goingright, like you've got the
reekiki roof or the leaky roof.
Did you notice that?
You know there's a house forrent down the road?
That's in your budget?
Speaker 1 (43:24):
probably not, because you're too focused on
everything that's not workingand that comes from the inside
first the inner world and youknow that we also talk about,
you know it can't take yourpower away and also to those
inner feelings, or those inneremotions that are positive, are
(43:46):
already within you as well, andso that new job probably can
give you a temporary boost ofhappiness, temporary boost of
happiness.
But as soon as the they startasking you to stay a little bit
later and it's a little bit morestressful, then you probably
won't be as happy, right?
You probably be right back tothat feeling.
Speaker 2 (44:08):
Yeah, and now it's the job's fault that you're not
happy, right?
Speaker 1 (44:12):
Exactly Right.
You get a new car the car itjust becomes a car, and then you
want to get a new one.
Right, you go to a new placeand it becomes your daily
routine.
Right it is.
It may help you temporarily toget these new things, but it'll
(44:34):
always come back to how can Ifeel the love that I already
have within?
And so that's been a journeyfor me.
That's been new and been fresh.
That I've even had to realizeon my own is it's already?
I already have it.
Speaker 2 (44:54):
I don't need to have external things validated for me
like you said, it's it's aninside job, it's it's our
responsibility.
You know, it's our innerresponsibility and our inner
choice on whether we, you know,get in an argument with someone
(45:16):
and slam the door behind us orwalk out quietly and gently,
shut it, like that's all aninner choice.
And for me, you know, sometimesI have really big feelings,
really big emotions, and they'reimportant.
They might be telling mesomething I need to process
through them, but it alwayscomes down to do I want to
continue feeling this way.
How do I want to feel instead?
(45:37):
Is it going to solve theproblem around me?
Not necessarily, but is itgoing to help me get back to
neutrality and back to peace?
Yes, and again from that innerstate is when we can start to
see things more clearly and makebetter decisions or respond
more appropriately, and thingslike that.
(45:58):
So it's do I like the way I'mfeeling?
No, you know, sometimes it'slike, well, actually hold on,
just give me a minute, I'm notquite done with my temper
tantrum yet.
And then it's like how do Iwant to feel instead?
And I, I, I do practice what Ipreach.
I mean, I just put it intopractice last night.
So it's like, how do I want tofeel instead?
How do I want to show up?
(46:19):
Do I want to be really grumpyand resentful and pinpoint all
the things that have gone wrong,or do I want to ask myself does
that really matter?
And like give a hug instead?
Speaker 1 (46:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (46:29):
Yeah 100%.
Speaker 1 (46:31):
You know, I had a friend call me a few weeks ago
and he was just complainingabout his job and different
things like that, and I let himget it all off right and then I
said gratitude, you know, youhave, you have a job in today's
market.
You have a job, you, you, youwork remotely.
(46:53):
At one point in time this wouldhave been a dream job for you,
right?
And so how can you?
You know, after you get allthat off right, you get those
emotions because we are human.
We will feel that, and I'm notsaying to be a robot and not
feel those emotions, because youwill and we all will.
(47:14):
But the hey, is this going toserve me?
Is this actually resourceful tojust sit in this and just
ruminate in it?
Speaker 2 (47:27):
Right, totally.
It just I had a life coach whenI first got sober.
He would be like you done,feeling that way, yet you know
like you done.
So like, yeah, giving it anhonest chance.
And I don't know, like maybethere's an audience listening
right now that's rolling theireyes with the word gratitude
because it's so overplayed in somany ways.
(47:51):
But I think that if, if anindividual that has a resistance
to a gratitude practice canjust come up with maybe their
own word choice or can maybejust come up with their own
personal understanding thatresonates with them, to kind of
get that resistance to go away,I don't I?
Speaker 1 (48:18):
how powerful it is to really take a step back and
realize all the things thatyou're grateful for.
Right, you didn't have to wakeup this morning to tell your
lungs to work, to tell yourheart to start pumping.
It is doing it on its own right.
And even I mean that's thebaseline, right, when I can't
(48:43):
think of anything, the baselineI can think of is like man, my
body is functioning and I'm ableto move around, and then you
just start to go from there andit's so many positive things you
can focus on, as opposed to theone or two negative things that
are going on in your life.
It's usually only one or twothings, right?
Speaker 2 (49:08):
And, like you said, it can be small.
You've got the baseline.
It can be little, just anythingthat moves the needle.
Again, neutral is the beautifulzone.
Like I know we've dropped thebeautiful zone.
Like I know we've dropped theword happy, I know we've dropped
the word joy and all of thosethings are phenomenal and
euphoric and orgasmic and wewant you to feel those things.
Yeah, but we're humans and tostay up here is not realistic
(49:30):
and so like we'll dip, we'llcome up, we'll dip, we'll come
up and, if we can, just kind ofland in that neutral zone like
we're killing it you know, um,there's actually an entire
chapter in my book that's comingout about gratitude,
specifically me calling my lifecoach and and like venting to
(49:51):
her that my then boyfriendwasn't taking our gratitude
practice seriously enough.
She was like, hold on, what'swhat's going on here?
Not only was he not taking itseriously enough, I also removed
myself from the situation andwas going to completely withhold
love from him to make sure thathe knew he wasn't taking it
(50:13):
serious enough and that I couldpunish him.
I mean, it's amazing where theego can go with this right.
And so the first guidance wasto go back into the room and
give him a hug, which I didn'twant to do.
But that's the concept ofgiving love is receiving love.
So if you're withholding lovefrom someone, you're actually
withholding it from yourself.
And then it was that it doesn'thave to be a macro gratitude.
(50:36):
It doesn't have to be grandiose.
If he's truly grateful thathe's sleeping in clean sheets,
that can be enough.
And I thought it had to be sospiritualized and so big.
And no, we have to keepourselves human too.
Speaker 1 (50:49):
Yeah, yeah that you know that neutral zone, trevor
Moed, who is a sportspsychologist he actually passed
a few years ago but he has abook called Getting Back to
Neutral and that neutral zone isespecially when you are just
(51:10):
not in the mood to be superhappy and peachy, and just not
in the mood for it, and so it'sOK.
How can I?
And so it's okay, how can I notbe negative then?
Speaker 2 (51:20):
how can I neutral is kind of a weird place to be.
When I first again got sober,it was like I was used to really
high highs like, because I wasliterally like getting high and
also drinking alcohol with justa depressant.
So I was also really used tolow lows.
And when I started to just havenon-eventful, you know, very
(51:42):
mundane, plain days, I wasn'tbored, I was just existing.
It's like what is this space?
I'm very unfamiliar with thisspace, not existing in a
hangover, not existing inself-pity, just honestly
existing.
And that's what I learned aboutthe neutral zone.
And it's such a great place tocatch your breath, to
(52:04):
recalibrate, to just chill, youknow.
So, yes, have your high moments.
Yes, be understanding thatyou'll have low moments and then
, just like, come back back tothat middle.
Speaker 1 (52:16):
Yeah, last thing I want to, I want to touch on
because you mentioned somethingthat was amazing to me is
withholding love.
You're withholding from others,You're withholding love from
yourself.
Walk me through that, because Ithink also through it.
All is that self-love practiceright?
All is that self-love practiceright?
(52:41):
And understanding that?
How can we have grace withourselves, love ourselves more
and really understand that?
So I want you to touch on that.
Speaker 2 (52:47):
Yeah.
So I'll say it again it's withlike, extending love is giving
love to yourself.
So if you're withholding love,then you're withholding yourself
from receiving the loveyourself.
So if you're withholding love,then you're withholding yourself
from receiving the love.
And, to put it into avisualization, it's like giving
someone a hug.
It's a mutual exchange and itfeels good for you, right?
(53:07):
So sometimes we're not huggingsomeone because they need it.
Sometimes we're hugging someonebecause we need it, right, and
like how many times have we justneeded to be held?
And yet we don't get that.
If we withhold it from someonebecause we're angry at them or
they did something wrong, and soit's almost a self punishment,
(53:29):
in a way.
And also what I love so muchabout just being brave enough to
step over your ego, that'stelling you not to give the hug
or whatever it might be, or tosay the nice thing, it could
just be as simple, as you know,after a big fight in the morning
, saying just wanted to let youknow I'm thinking of you, versus
giving the silent treatment.
It starts to soften you andthen again we land in that
(53:53):
neutral zone where we get tostart to see things a little bit
more clearly and maybe youunderstand why you got it uh,
you know, as upset as you did orsomething like that, and then
we can problem solve.
Or maybe you can approach theconversation from a
level-headedness place, you know, versus an attack place.
So at the end of the day, andwe can go like you can think of
(54:16):
it as inner child too it's justgiving that nurturing to the
part of you that's triggered oractivated or upset.
Speaker 1 (54:24):
I love that.
Yeah, yeah, you text him.
Hey, just to let you know I'mthinking about you, probably not
positive, but it's neutral.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (54:34):
I mean, I just went on a walk with a friend and
she's fighting with herboyfriend and she's like he
hasn't texted me today, so I'mnot going to text him.
Like how's that making you feel, oh, I want to text him.
Then text him.
You don't have to say I forgiveyou If you don't.
You can just say hey, like Iknow we're still in it right now
, but I'm just, or I still careabout you, whatever it might be,
and it's for you, it's for you.
Speaker 1 (55:02):
Yeah, 100 percent.
And I think and I love thatbecause I do feel like we do
hold back Receiving love or thatfeeling of love inside until
somebody else gives it to us.
Inside, until somebody elsegives it to us, we don't
actively go out and look to giveit, realizing that it is a
(55:31):
mutual exchange.
Right, and I start to realizethat as I start to add value to
people and give, I always feelbetter.
I always feel better.
Sure, you know you being a, acoach, you know it's times you
might not feel like getting on acall right, but when you get
off that call you feel energized, right.
(55:53):
I'm sure you feel energized andyou're like wow, that's why I'm
doing it right it's so good yeah, 100 yeah I.
Speaker 2 (56:02):
This year in particular has been, you know, a
year of a lot of loss for me, alot of like a lot of death this
year.
And what's interesting aboutthat?
Two things.
One is alcohol was never a toolthat even was remotely a
possible, you know, solution tohow I was feeling.
But, the second was I continuedto still serve my clients.
(56:23):
I could have been like, hey, Igotta take time, which is
totally fine too, you know, andI did any open gaps on my
schedule, I did block and thingslike that.
But even my boyfriend was likewhen you come out of your office
, you are glowing.
You know, in the, in the midstof all this grief, when you come
out from serving your peopleyou are glowing and it's so true
(56:45):
, it feels so good to be ofservice.
Speaker 1 (56:48):
Yeah, yeah.
People don't realize that beingof service, you forget about
the problems.
Honestly, it's for that momentyou and the other person and you
are hearing their problems andyou are helping solve their
problems and you're serving andyou're being of service.
And then you start to realizelike, oh, okay, this is what I'm
(57:15):
meant to do.
Especially at times, the energyeven that you come from is even
different, even come from amore empathetic place, a more
loving place, because it's alsohealing you too.
You can feel it actively as youserve, and so I think that's
(57:35):
another tool.
When you are, you know, youmight feel down in the dumps,
you might be going through ahard time.
If you can take your eyes offyourself, you may not be able to
put your eyes on positivethings in your world, but if you
can take the, the just the eyesoff yourself and put them on
somebody else, um, it's, it'svery healing.
Speaker 2 (57:58):
Yeah, oh, I'm just thinking like, aren't you bored
looking at yourself?
You know, like to flip it?
You know we teach what we needto learn, so as coaches, as
motivational speakers, asmentors, it's another way that
it's self-serving.
It's like when we are guidingsomeone else through it, we're
(58:19):
helping ourselves remember aswell, and then we can go put it
into practice.
And so, you know, does someonehave to be completely healed
from their you know, their lifeevents in order to be a guide or
a mentor to someone else?
Be a guide or a mentor tosomeone else, like no, you're
(58:39):
actually doing a disservice ifyou withhold your teachings
because there is no other you,there is no other person that's
gone through what you've gonethrough.
And even if you aren't with theanswer yet and it's still an I
don't know you can still be somesort of North star, guiding
light to someone who's a fewsteps behind you.
Yeah, you know so.
Speaker 1 (58:56):
I love it.
I love it.
Where, where, where can folksfind you?
Where can they continue tofollow your journey?
Um, and tell us a little bitabout blurred lines and, um,
that book that's coming out thisyear yeah, so find me on my
website, laurenfaycoachingcom,and fay has noe.
Speaker 2 (59:16):
So laurenfaycoachingcom and on is a
in your face pop-up of blurredlines and it's memoir.
But my objective with it was toinspire through storytelling.
So, yes, I am a coach, but Ididn't want to just write a
piece where I'm telling you hereare the lessons you know.
It's like here's what I wentthrough, here's what I learned
(59:37):
while I went through it and whatis your interpretation.
That's going to land in you,right, because people will maybe
forget what you tell them, butthey won't forget how it made
them feel.
So I really am working on thatfeeling.
Part of the memoir and it'sagain Blurred Lines my
reclamation of power fromalcohol addiction.
(59:58):
And it's again blurred lines,my reclamation of power from
(01:00:20):
alcohol addiction.
Ps, you are not powerless, andso I'm just showing what I went
through, what I learned toregain my power in brain, but as
a sovereign being, you are notpowerless.
And I think there's a reallyimportant distinction that's
missed.
And this is from my own learnedexperience, where that was what
I was hearing in the beginningof my journey and I just
interpreted that I was powerless.
And how are you supposed toreclaim your power if your story
is I am powerless, yeah, yeah.
(01:00:44):
So that's the book and you cansee a little tidbit of it on the
website and will come out in2025.
Speaker 1 (01:00:52):
Yeah, it's beautiful.
Now my camera actually fell.
Speaker 2 (01:00:56):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:00:58):
But here we go Blurred Lines, beautiful cover,
beautiful title, it's perfect.
Speaker 2 (01:01:04):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (01:01:06):
Great Lauren, we appreciate you.
It was a very fun podcast andwe learned a lot and I'm excited
to pick up the memoir and hearall about kind of your story on
a deeper level but also to, um,you know how your story, uh, can
(01:01:29):
help mine Right and I'm surefolks can understand and take
bits and pieces from your storyand and use it as a tool in
there.
So we appreciate you being onthe show.
Speaker 2 (01:01:39):
Thank you so much for having me Really insightful
conversation.
I look forward to sharing itwith my audience.
Speaker 1 (01:01:46):
I love it.
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