February 25, 2025 • 23 mins
Are you ready to transform your relationships with those who test your patience? Join me, Jonathan Sole, on the Pleasing God podcast as we explore the art of loving difficult people. Discover how the profound examples of God's steadfast love for us, despite our flaws, can guide us in extending grace and compassion to the challenging individuals in our lives. Reflect on biblical truths from Colossians, Romans, and Ephesians, which call us to embrace love as a committed, intentional practice rather than just a fleeting feeling. Whether it's navigating the complexities of family dynamics, workplace tensions, or even online interactions, this episode promises to equip you with practical wisdom to foster positive, harmonious relationships.
We'll draw inspiration from literature like To Kill a Mockingbird and delve into the transformative power of empathy, forgiveness, and truth. As we unravel the essence of love, free from envy and arrogance, you'll see how embracing love as an act of worship and obedience to God can become a path to personal and spiritual growth. Let's journey together, seeking strength and guidance in prayer, to love others as Jesus did, and to experience the profound impact that genuine love can have on our lives and the lives of those around us.
Stock Music provided by wolfgangwoehrle, from Pond5
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Hi and welcome back to the Pleasing God podcast, a
show focused on helpingChristians to think biblically,
engage practically and livefaithfully for the glory of God.
I'm your host, jonathan Soule,and on this episode I want to
talk about loving difficultpeople.
I'm sure this is a challengethat all of us have faced in
this life.
We come across people thateither rub us the wrong way, we
(00:32):
don't seem to have a connectionwith they're not bad people I
mean, sometimes they can be butjust people that are slightly
different than you and that canprove to be difficult, and so I
want to just kind of talkthrough why loving difficult
people is a biblical command andthen look at some practical
(00:54):
ways in which we can show graceto difficult people and how to
speak the truth in love and withlove.
And the reality, like I said,is that we all encounter
difficult people, whether theybe family members, co-workers,
church members, onlineinteractions and so we need to
(01:14):
think carefully, we need tothink biblically about how do we
approach these situations, howdo we approach these
relationships and these people,and what we want to try to do is
we want to be balancing graceand truth in these relationships
, and we understand that Jesuscalls us not just to love the
easy people, but everyone, andso here's why loving difficult
(01:40):
people is a biblical command,and I want you to think first
and foremost about God's lovefor us, god's love for us as the
standard.
In Romans, chapter 5, verse 8,we read that while we were still
sinners, christ died for us.
God chose to love difficultpeople, sinners, rebels to his
(02:01):
will, and he demonstrated theultimate sign of love by sending
the Lord, jesus Christ, to dieon the cross for our sins, to
forgive us and to give us aplace with him for all eternity.
God showed love for us andpatience towards us while we
were still sinners, and so whenwe think about love, loving
(02:24):
difficult people as a biblicalcommand, god is the standard and
demonstrates that he lovesdifficult people.
Think about the Old Testamentreading through, and God's
unfailing love for Israel, andit doesn't take long.
You can't even get through thefirst five books of the Bible
before you realize, hey, this isa difficult people.
(02:47):
It'd be interesting to look howmany times throughout the Old
Testament they're referred to asa stiff-necked people,
difficult, resisting the Lord.
No, he has shown them greatpatience and love, and so we see
that God's love for us is thestandard and this is what flows
for us to show love as abiblical command.
(03:07):
But we also want to think aboutJesus as we look at the life of
the Lord Jesus Christ.
In the Gospels we see Jesus'example of loving the unlovable.
Think about how Jesusinteracted with sinners the
woman at the well.
He was accused of being aglutton and a drunkard because
(03:29):
of the people that he hungaround with Difficult people,
prostitutes, tax collectors,sinners, even those who betrayed
him.
As Jesus is on the cross and heis in the midst of his agony
and suffering, he cries outFather, forgive them, for they
know not what they do.
And you see Jesus's love forpeople, even the ones that did
(03:52):
him wrong.
It's humbling and I know it'sconvicting to my own life, to
think about how Jesus wouldtreat his enemies.
Jesus would treat those thatwould do wrong to him.
Jesus would treat difficultpeople with sacrificial love,
with a care for them, not thathe would gain anything from them
(04:14):
, but because he loves them.
Another reason why lovingdifficult people is a biblical
command is that we are called toSimply put God's love for us,
jesus' example of love, and thenthe call to love even when it's
hard.
The letter to the Colossians,in chapter 3, verse 12, reads
(04:35):
put on then, as God's chosenones, holy and beloved,
compassionate hearts, kindness,humility, meekness and patience,
bearing with one another and,if one has a complaint against
another, forgiving each other.
As the Lord has forgiven you,so you also must forgive, and
above all these put on lovewhich binds everything together
(04:57):
in perfect harmony.
This is the call of theChristian to love one another,
even if there's an offense,forgive.
So we recognize here thatbiblical love is more than just
a feeling, it's an action, it'sa commitment.
(05:20):
You set out to do this.
You decide to love no matterhow we feel, and we commit
ourselves to do that because,again, god's love for us is the
standard.
Jesus gives us the example ofloving the unlovable and we, as
the people and followers ofJesus Christ, are called to love
even when it's hard.
(05:42):
Now, that doesn't mean it's easyand I'm not going to at all
ever say it is and that doesn'tmean that we will not fail.
That doesn't mean we will notslip and stumble, that we won't
show that love or that kindnessto that difficult person at
times, but when we do slip andwe do fail in this area
(06:02):
concerning difficult people, weturn to the Lord, we ask for
forgiveness and we seek to startloving that person.
So what are some practical ways, then, that we can show grace
to difficult people?
Well, first and foremost, prayfor them, and also, while you're
praying for that person, prayfor your own heart as well.
(06:25):
Matthew 5, 44,.
Love your enemies and pray forthose who persecute you.
There's not a more difficultperson than one who persecutes
you and that would becategorized as your enemy, and
we are to love and pray for them.
I can think of my own life.
Many years ago, there wassomebody that was, I would say,
(06:47):
a very difficult person for me,and it was a challenge to be
around this person I wouldprefer to avoid, and I knew that
this person had somethingagainst me, didn't like me, and
I could feel it, and it botheredme a lot, and so I began to
(07:07):
start harboring my own kind ofresentment and bitterness
towards a person, and it startedto affect me a lot, and so one
thing I ended up committing todo instead of avoiding the
person, instead of thinking badthoughts about the person,
instead of just again letting mymind do all kinds of crazy
(07:28):
things, I committed to pray forthat person by name and, I'll be
honest, I did not like thatperson.
I struggled to be around inevery way.
So I started praying for thatperson, not just generally but
by name.
And as I began to pray for thisperson by name, something began
to change, and it wasn't thatperson, it was me.
The prayer for that personbegan to change my attitude and
(07:53):
again I started to see thatperson more through the lens of
how God sees that person and myheart grew compassionate and I
wasn't holding on to pastoffenses or why that person may
or may not have liked me.
I began to care for that personthrough praying for them and it
wasn't easy and I think Ibegrudgingly began praying for
(08:15):
that person, but I knew that itwas the right thing to do so.
One of the practical ways toshow grace to difficult people
is to pray for them.
One of the elders in my churchhas always said that the
greatest place for someone to beis in your prayers.
I think it's so valuable and soimportant to do that.
The second practical way is topractice patience and
(08:38):
self-control.
Easier said than done, right, Iknow with me it's very easy to
just kind of be quick with mytongue or in my attitudes, but
to practice patience andself-control.
Proverbs 15.1,.
A soft answer turns away wrath,but a harsh word stirs up anger
, and so we want to think again.
(09:00):
With difficult people, we wantto be more focused on responding
than reacting.
Difficult people can oftentimestrigger reactions out of us,
and we want to be patient.
We want to be self-controlled,it is right, and there is a time
to respond, but we don't wantto be reacting to people that
seem to trigger us to push ourbuttons.
(09:22):
We need to, in a sense, riseabove that.
Also, we need to be settingemotional and mental boundaries
without our bitterness.
We don't just cut somebody offout of bitterness or spite, but
it might be good to not allowsomeone to rent so much space in
(09:42):
our head.
So set these boundaries thatyou might need to do for your
own sake to safeguard yourselfconcerning difficult people.
A third practical way that wecan show grace is listen with
compassion.
Sometimes we think someone'sdifficult because we don't
understand them, or we havedrawn conclusions that might not
(10:07):
be accurate or true, and sosometimes we need to be mindful
and listen with compassion,understanding that other
person's perspective.
I don't know how many timesthat I have witnessed in the
church and just withrelationships in general, that
so much can be resolved byactually just sitting down and
(10:28):
having a conversation, gettingover that initial discomfort or
awkwardness to hash out an issueor to gain perspective.
And so this is where we wouldjust listen to others with
compassion.
This also means that whilesomeone else is speaking, maybe
we're talking to that difficultperson.
We're actually listening tothem and not formulating what
(10:51):
we're going to say next, and Iknow I'm guilty of this.
I'm more hearing words andthinking about what I'm going to
say next and how to respondthan I am actually listening
with compassion.
And so, again, let's not jumpto conclusions before we can
understand their perspective.
I remember a favorite book ofmine.
I think it was in the seventhgrade that we had to read.
(11:13):
It was To Kill a Mockingbird,grade that we had to read.
It was To Kill a Mockingbird,and there's Scout and Atticus
Fench.
And then there's this awkwardcharacter that you know nobody
really knows about, but hisname's Boo Radley, and Scout is
asking her father, atticus,about him and he says to young
(11:37):
Scout something along the linesof never judge a person until
you've walked a mile in theirshoes and you've gotten into
their skin and you know whatit's like.
And I think one of the ways inwhich we can again develop
compassion for people that aredifficult is to seek to
understand where they're comingfrom and try to walk a mile in
(12:01):
their shoes.
What's their life been like,what's maybe some causes or
triggers for the difficultiesthat they might be facing, or
what makes them difficult inyour mind, and the more we can
understand we might be able tosympathize mind, and the more we
can understand we might be ableto sympathize, but we might
(12:21):
even be able to empathize.
And so in doing that, wereflect Christ's love in how we
engage with people, especiallyin conversations.
Here's a fourth practical way toshow grace to difficult people
Forgive.
It is simple and it is profound, and oftentimes it is extremely
difficult.
Forgive even when it'sundeserved.
(12:43):
Forgive even when they haven'tasked for forgiveness.
Ephesians, chapter 4, verse 32,.
Be kind and compassionate toone another, forgiving each
other as in Christ God.
Forgave you, think about that.
God has forgiven us of all ofour sins, past, present and
(13:06):
future.
God has decided in his son thathe will and has forgiven all
our sins.
This is a liberating andwonderful truth and this is what
we are to do and this is how weare to engage with others,
forgiving one another even whenthey don't deserve it, because
you are forgiven and you don'tdeserve it.
(13:29):
Here's a fifth and finalpractical way.
Way that we can show grace todifficult people is extend
kindness without expecting it inreturn.
Don't show goodness andkindness to someone with strings
attached.
Seriously, seek to do goodwithout any thought of a return.
(13:51):
Selflessness, true altruism,paul says in Romans, chapter 12,
again he's instructing theChristians on what are the marks
of a true Christian.
What does it look like?
How should we conduct our lives?
How should we engage with thosewho do evil to us?
And he says don't, don'trespond evil for evil, bad for
(14:14):
bad.
He says to the contrary, ifyour enemy is hungry, feed him.
If he is thirsty, give himsomething to drink, for by doing
so you will keep burning coalson his head.
That is extremely hard to do.
To extend kindness to thosethat do wrong to you, to show
(14:35):
goodness to that difficultperson If they're hungry, they
need food and they need it fromyou If they're thirsty, that
difficult person and you havethe ability you need to give
that person something to drink.
You need to again respond toevil with good, and it says
(14:56):
it'll heap burning coals ontheir head.
In a sense, it'll bringconviction.
It's hard to stay mad at tohave offenses against kind,
generous, loving people.
Be a person that's easy to loveand hard to have offenses
against.
So these are some practicalways, I think, just biblically
(15:19):
speaking, of how we can engageand show grace to difficult
people.
And so then, how do we speakthe truth with love to difficult
people?
Well, we need to think aboutbalancing grace and truth.
In John 1, verse 14, we knowthat Jesus came full of grace
and truth.
In John, chapter 1, verse 14,we know that Jesus came full of
grace and truth.
(15:40):
And in understanding this,there is a balance with grace
and truth, because we can't justalways allow difficult people
to continue with negativebehaviors.
That may be so disunity,discord in the church or in
relationships.
People do need to be called toaccount, and just because
(16:03):
someone's a difficult persondoesn't mean we need to walk on
eggshells around them.
People are responsible fortheir actions, and this is where
we need to balance grace andtruth, and what I mean by that
is we need to avoid extremes.
We give too much grace.
This means we're kind oftolerating negative, sinful
behavior patterns.
(16:24):
We're not doing anything aboutit.
But we also do not want to betoo harsh when we say too much
truth and a sense of a harshnesstowards that person.
Man, we can come with greattruth, bombs and wound people,
and we can masquerade it as well.
I just love the truth.
(16:44):
That's why I have to do this.
We can be harsh, do this.
We can be harsh, and so we needto understand and to try to
avoid these extremes of too muchgrace or too much truth,
tolerating sin and harshness,and find a harmony in balancing
these out.
Jesus came full of grace andtruth and if we are to err on a
(17:06):
side, we need to err on the sideof grace.
We are to be speaking the truthin love.
Ephesians 4.15,.
This verse tells us, rather,speaking the truth in love, we
are to grow up in every way intohim who is in the head, into
Christ.
So we speak truth in love toone another.
This means when there is a needfor correction with a difficult
(17:28):
person, we need to do so withgentleness and with humility.
Again, we can win an argumentand lose a person and we've lost
.
We don't want to do that.
We need to have wisdom anddiscernment when speaking the
truth in love, because there isa time to speak and there is a
time to be silent.
(17:48):
We need to know when thosetimes are.
Proverbs tells us in chapter 17, verse 27,.
Whoever restrains his words hasknowledge, and he who has a
cool spirit is a man ofunderstanding.
Well, that's a good proverb totake, especially if you're
somebody that is a littlehot-headed.
(18:08):
You maybe speak and then youhave to apologize a lot.
Maybe you need to again takeProverbs 17 and slow down Verse
28,.
Even a fool who keeps silent isconsidered wise.
When he closes his lips he isdeemed intelligent man.
That one can cut real close tohome, even for me.
(18:29):
So we need to recognize when toconfront and when to remain
silent.
Another way that we can speakthe truth with love is setting
healthy boundaries whennecessary, and I kind of alluded
to this earlier, but I want tojust kind of dig in on this
because I think we can have afalse understanding of like.
(18:50):
Well, if I'm just lovingeverybody, then I could just be
used and abused and that'sterrible, and I don't believe
the Bible teaches us to let thathappen.
Loving does not mean that weenable toxic behavior or we give
a pass on sin or we continuejust to overlook all of these
(19:11):
offenses.
Now, love covers a multitude ofsins.
I recognize that.
But we should not allow andenable toxic behavior in another
believer and calling that inthe name of love.
We need to set healthyboundaries when necessary of
love.
We need to set healthyboundaries when necessary.
(19:33):
If somebody is always takingadvantage of me after multiple
times I'm going to exercisediscernment and I might have to
set some boundaries there.
Understand Jesus set boundariesI mean in John, chapter two,
verse 24, but Jesus, on his part, did not entrust himself to
them because he knew all people,in a sense that people wanted
to see what he could do with hissigns and they were again
(19:55):
asking him to do many things andmany believed in his name
because they saw the signs.
And Jesus set boundaries.
He at times he walked away.
Other times of Jesus settingboundaries, he confronts sin,
the woman at the well I alludedto her.
He does not allow her tocontinue in her sin and being a
(20:17):
difficult person in that way,but he confronts her sin in love
Again.
Another boundary that Jesus setsis that he prioritizes his
mission above all things, aboveall things that he came to live,
to preach, to share the kingdomof God, to die on the cross,
for our sins to be buried, to beraised from the dead, that we
(20:39):
might have new life andforgiveness in his name.
He prioritized these things, sohe had to say no to things and
to people in order to say yes tothis.
And so, again, when we speaktruth with love, let's balance
with truth and grace.
Speak the truth in love, and weneed to set healthy boundaries
when necessary.
(20:59):
There's a time where we mighteven have to cut off toxic
relationships because it hasgone so far.
That doesn't mean we stopcaring for someone or we stop
praying for that person, but wemight need to create that
distance, that time for healingand for just reconciliation, and
so recognize when and how to dothat.
(21:21):
And if you are thinking well Idon't necessarily know you need
to be talking to other peopleclose friends, pastors, those
that are in your churchcommunity that you love and you
trust, and get wisdom anddiscernment from a multitude of
counselors.
So I just want you to.
Again, hopefully, this ishelpful to think about.
(21:42):
Concerning difficult people,one of the best advices that I
was given early on in theministry was be a hard person to
offend.
And if you are a hard person tooffend it will go a long way to
kind of preventing becoming adifficult person.
Do not be easily offended, beeasily edified, be easily built
(22:07):
up, be easily encouraged, behard to be offended, seek to be
a person that is easy, not sodifficult, and it will go well
with you, it will go well withyour relationships, it will go
well with your church and, again, it's a fulfilling life.
So again, hopefully this ishelpful for you and just want to
(22:29):
be a source of encouragement aswe think through some of these
challenging issues.
And let me remind you what theApostle Paul says Love is
patient and kind.
Love does not envy or boast.
It is not arrogant or rude.
It does not insist on its ownway.
It is not irritable orresentful.
It does not rejoice atwrongdoing but rejoices with the
(22:50):
truth.
Love bears all things, believesall things, hopes all things,
is not irritable or resentful.
It does not rejoice atwrongdoing but rejoices with the
truth.
Love bears all things, believesall things, hopes all things,
endures all things.
Remember.
Loving others is an act ofobedience and worship to God.
I want to thank you forlistening to the Pleasing God
Podcast.
If you have any questions, Iwould love to hear from you.
You can reach out at questionsat pleasinggodpodcastorg.
(23:12):
And remember 1 Thessalonians4.3, this is the will of God,
your sanctification.
Hi and welcome back to the Pleasing God podcast, a
show focused on helpingChristians to think biblically,
engage practically and livefaithfully for the glory of God.
I'm your host, jonathan Soule,and on this episode I want to
talk about loving difficultpeople.
I'm sure this is a challengethat all of us have faced in
this life.
We come across people thateither rub us the wrong way, we
(00:32):
don't seem to have a connectionwith they're not bad people I
mean, sometimes they can be butjust people that are slightly
different than you and that canprove to be difficult, and so I
want to just kind of talkthrough why loving difficult
people is a biblical command andthen look at some practical
(00:54):
ways in which we can show graceto difficult people and how to
speak the truth in love and withlove.
And the reality, like I said,is that we all encounter
difficult people, whether theybe family members, co-workers,
church members, onlineinteractions and so we need to
(01:14):
think carefully, we need tothink biblically about how do we
approach these situations, howdo we approach these
relationships and these people,and what we want to try to do is
we want to be balancing graceand truth in these relationships
, and we understand that Jesuscalls us not just to love the
easy people, but everyone, andso here's why loving difficult
(01:40):
people is a biblical command,and I want you to think first
and foremost about God's lovefor us, god's love for us as the
standard.
In Romans, chapter 5, verse 8,we read that while we were still
sinners, christ died for us.
God chose to love difficultpeople, sinners, rebels to his
(02:01):
will, and he demonstrated theultimate sign of love by sending
the Lord, jesus Christ, to dieon the cross for our sins, to
forgive us and to give us aplace with him for all eternity.
God showed love for us andpatience towards us while we
were still sinners, and so whenwe think about love, loving
(02:24):
difficult people as a biblicalcommand, god is the standard and
demonstrates that he lovesdifficult people.
Think about the Old Testamentreading through, and God's
unfailing love for Israel, andit doesn't take long.
You can't even get through thefirst five books of the Bible
before you realize, hey, this isa difficult people.
(02:47):
It'd be interesting to look howmany times throughout the Old
Testament they're referred to asa stiff-necked people,
difficult, resisting the Lord.
No, he has shown them greatpatience and love, and so we see
that God's love for us is thestandard and this is what flows
for us to show love as abiblical command.
(03:07):
But we also want to think aboutJesus as we look at the life of
the Lord Jesus Christ.
In the Gospels we see Jesus'example of loving the unlovable.
Think about how Jesusinteracted with sinners the
woman at the well.
He was accused of being aglutton and a drunkard because
(03:29):
of the people that he hungaround with Difficult people,
prostitutes, tax collectors,sinners, even those who betrayed
him.
As Jesus is on the cross and heis in the midst of his agony
and suffering, he cries outFather, forgive them, for they
know not what they do.
And you see Jesus's love forpeople, even the ones that did
(03:52):
him wrong.
It's humbling and I know it'sconvicting to my own life, to
think about how Jesus wouldtreat his enemies.
Jesus would treat those thatwould do wrong to him.
Jesus would treat difficultpeople with sacrificial love,
with a care for them, not thathe would gain anything from them
(04:14):
, but because he loves them.
Another reason why lovingdifficult people is a biblical
command is that we are called toSimply put God's love for us,
jesus' example of love, and thenthe call to love even when it's
hard.
The letter to the Colossians,in chapter 3, verse 12, reads
(04:35):
put on then, as God's chosenones, holy and beloved,
compassionate hearts, kindness,humility, meekness and patience,
bearing with one another and,if one has a complaint against
another, forgiving each other.
As the Lord has forgiven you,so you also must forgive, and
above all these put on lovewhich binds everything together
(04:57):
in perfect harmony.
This is the call of theChristian to love one another,
even if there's an offense,forgive.
So we recognize here thatbiblical love is more than just
a feeling, it's an action, it'sa commitment.
(05:20):
You set out to do this.
You decide to love no matterhow we feel, and we commit
ourselves to do that because,again, god's love for us is the
standard.
Jesus gives us the example ofloving the unlovable and we, as
the people and followers ofJesus Christ, are called to love
even when it's hard.
(05:42):
Now, that doesn't mean it's easyand I'm not going to at all
ever say it is and that doesn'tmean that we will not fail.
That doesn't mean we will notslip and stumble, that we won't
show that love or that kindnessto that difficult person at
times, but when we do slip andwe do fail in this area
(06:02):
concerning difficult people, weturn to the Lord, we ask for
forgiveness and we seek to startloving that person.
So what are some practical ways, then, that we can show grace
to difficult people?
Well, first and foremost, prayfor them, and also, while you're
praying for that person, prayfor your own heart as well.
(06:25):
Matthew 5, 44,.
Love your enemies and pray forthose who persecute you.
There's not a more difficultperson than one who persecutes
you and that would becategorized as your enemy, and
we are to love and pray for them.
I can think of my own life.
Many years ago, there wassomebody that was, I would say,
(06:47):
a very difficult person for me,and it was a challenge to be
around this person I wouldprefer to avoid, and I knew that
this person had somethingagainst me, didn't like me, and
I could feel it, and it botheredme a lot, and so I began to
(07:07):
start harboring my own kind ofresentment and bitterness
towards a person, and it startedto affect me a lot, and so one
thing I ended up committing todo instead of avoiding the
person, instead of thinking badthoughts about the person,
instead of just again letting mymind do all kinds of crazy
(07:28):
things, I committed to pray forthat person by name and, I'll be
honest, I did not like thatperson.
I struggled to be around inevery way.
So I started praying for thatperson, not just generally but
by name.
And as I began to pray for thisperson by name, something began
to change, and it wasn't thatperson, it was me.
The prayer for that personbegan to change my attitude and
(07:53):
again I started to see thatperson more through the lens of
how God sees that person and myheart grew compassionate and I
wasn't holding on to pastoffenses or why that person may
or may not have liked me.
I began to care for that personthrough praying for them and it
wasn't easy and I think Ibegrudgingly began praying for
(08:15):
that person, but I knew that itwas the right thing to do so.
One of the practical ways toshow grace to difficult people
is to pray for them.
One of the elders in my churchhas always said that the
greatest place for someone to beis in your prayers.
I think it's so valuable and soimportant to do that.
The second practical way is topractice patience and
(08:38):
self-control.
Easier said than done, right, Iknow with me it's very easy to
just kind of be quick with mytongue or in my attitudes, but
to practice patience andself-control.
Proverbs 15.1,.
A soft answer turns away wrath,but a harsh word stirs up anger
, and so we want to think again.
(09:00):
With difficult people, we wantto be more focused on responding
than reacting.
Difficult people can oftentimestrigger reactions out of us,
and we want to be patient.
We want to be self-controlled,it is right, and there is a time
to respond, but we don't wantto be reacting to people that
seem to trigger us to push ourbuttons.
(09:22):
We need to, in a sense, riseabove that.
Also, we need to be settingemotional and mental boundaries
without our bitterness.
We don't just cut somebody offout of bitterness or spite, but
it might be good to not allowsomeone to rent so much space in
(09:42):
our head.
So set these boundaries thatyou might need to do for your
own sake to safeguard yourselfconcerning difficult people.
A third practical way that wecan show grace is listen with
compassion.
Sometimes we think someone'sdifficult because we don't
understand them, or we havedrawn conclusions that might not
(10:07):
be accurate or true, and sosometimes we need to be mindful
and listen with compassion,understanding that other
person's perspective.
I don't know how many timesthat I have witnessed in the
church and just withrelationships in general, that
so much can be resolved byactually just sitting down and
(10:28):
having a conversation, gettingover that initial discomfort or
awkwardness to hash out an issueor to gain perspective.
And so this is where we wouldjust listen to others with
compassion.
This also means that whilesomeone else is speaking, maybe
we're talking to that difficultperson.
We're actually listening tothem and not formulating what
(10:51):
we're going to say next, and Iknow I'm guilty of this.
I'm more hearing words andthinking about what I'm going to
say next and how to respondthan I am actually listening
with compassion.
And so, again, let's not jumpto conclusions before we can
understand their perspective.
I remember a favorite book ofmine.
I think it was in the seventhgrade that we had to read.
(11:13):
It was To Kill a Mockingbird,grade that we had to read.
It was To Kill a Mockingbird,and there's Scout and Atticus
Fench.
And then there's this awkwardcharacter that you know nobody
really knows about, but hisname's Boo Radley, and Scout is
asking her father, atticus,about him and he says to young
(11:37):
Scout something along the linesof never judge a person until
you've walked a mile in theirshoes and you've gotten into
their skin and you know whatit's like.
And I think one of the ways inwhich we can again develop
compassion for people that aredifficult is to seek to
understand where they're comingfrom and try to walk a mile in
(12:01):
their shoes.
What's their life been like,what's maybe some causes or
triggers for the difficultiesthat they might be facing, or
what makes them difficult inyour mind, and the more we can
understand we might be able tosympathize mind, and the more we
can understand we might be ableto sympathize, but we might
(12:21):
even be able to empathize.
And so in doing that, wereflect Christ's love in how we
engage with people, especiallyin conversations.
Here's a fourth practical way toshow grace to difficult people
Forgive.
It is simple and it is profound, and oftentimes it is extremely
difficult.
Forgive even when it'sundeserved.
(12:43):
Forgive even when they haven'tasked for forgiveness.
Ephesians, chapter 4, verse 32,.
Be kind and compassionate toone another, forgiving each
other as in Christ God.
Forgave you, think about that.
God has forgiven us of all ofour sins, past, present and
(13:06):
future.
God has decided in his son thathe will and has forgiven all
our sins.
This is a liberating andwonderful truth and this is what
we are to do and this is how weare to engage with others,
forgiving one another even whenthey don't deserve it, because
you are forgiven and you don'tdeserve it.
(13:29):
Here's a fifth and finalpractical way.
Way that we can show grace todifficult people is extend
kindness without expecting it inreturn.
Don't show goodness andkindness to someone with strings
attached.
Seriously, seek to do goodwithout any thought of a return.
(13:51):
Selflessness, true altruism,paul says in Romans, chapter 12,
again he's instructing theChristians on what are the marks
of a true Christian.
What does it look like?
How should we conduct our lives?
How should we engage with thosewho do evil to us?
And he says don't, don'trespond evil for evil, bad for
(14:14):
bad.
He says to the contrary, ifyour enemy is hungry, feed him.
If he is thirsty, give himsomething to drink, for by doing
so you will keep burning coalson his head.
That is extremely hard to do.
To extend kindness to thosethat do wrong to you, to show
(14:35):
goodness to that difficultperson If they're hungry, they
need food and they need it fromyou If they're thirsty, that
difficult person and you havethe ability you need to give
that person something to drink.
You need to again respond toevil with good, and it says
(14:56):
it'll heap burning coals ontheir head.
In a sense, it'll bringconviction.
It's hard to stay mad at tohave offenses against kind,
generous, loving people.
Be a person that's easy to loveand hard to have offenses
against.
So these are some practicalways, I think, just biblically
(15:19):
speaking, of how we can engageand show grace to difficult
people.
And so then, how do we speakthe truth with love to difficult
people?
Well, we need to think aboutbalancing grace and truth.
In John 1, verse 14, we knowthat Jesus came full of grace
and truth.
In John, chapter 1, verse 14,we know that Jesus came full of
grace and truth.
(15:40):
And in understanding this,there is a balance with grace
and truth, because we can't justalways allow difficult people
to continue with negativebehaviors.
That may be so disunity,discord in the church or in
relationships.
People do need to be called toaccount, and just because
(16:03):
someone's a difficult persondoesn't mean we need to walk on
eggshells around them.
People are responsible fortheir actions, and this is where
we need to balance grace andtruth, and what I mean by that
is we need to avoid extremes.
We give too much grace.
This means we're kind oftolerating negative, sinful
behavior patterns.
(16:24):
We're not doing anything aboutit.
But we also do not want to betoo harsh when we say too much
truth and a sense of a harshnesstowards that person.
Man, we can come with greattruth, bombs and wound people,
and we can masquerade it as well.
I just love the truth.
(16:44):
That's why I have to do this.
We can be harsh, do this.
We can be harsh, and so we needto understand and to try to
avoid these extremes of too muchgrace or too much truth,
tolerating sin and harshness,and find a harmony in balancing
these out.
Jesus came full of grace andtruth and if we are to err on a
(17:06):
side, we need to err on the sideof grace.
We are to be speaking the truthin love.
Ephesians 4.15,.
This verse tells us, rather,speaking the truth in love, we
are to grow up in every way intohim who is in the head, into
Christ.
So we speak truth in love toone another.
This means when there is a needfor correction with a difficult
(17:28):
person, we need to do so withgentleness and with humility.
Again, we can win an argumentand lose a person and we've lost
.
We don't want to do that.
We need to have wisdom anddiscernment when speaking the
truth in love, because there isa time to speak and there is a
time to be silent.
(17:48):
We need to know when thosetimes are.
Proverbs tells us in chapter 17, verse 27,.
Whoever restrains his words hasknowledge, and he who has a
cool spirit is a man ofunderstanding.
Well, that's a good proverb totake, especially if you're
somebody that is a littlehot-headed.
(18:08):
You maybe speak and then youhave to apologize a lot.
Maybe you need to again takeProverbs 17 and slow down Verse
28,.
Even a fool who keeps silent isconsidered wise.
When he closes his lips he isdeemed intelligent man.
That one can cut real close tohome, even for me.
(18:29):
So we need to recognize when toconfront and when to remain
silent.
Another way that we can speakthe truth with love is setting
healthy boundaries whennecessary, and I kind of alluded
to this earlier, but I want tojust kind of dig in on this
because I think we can have afalse understanding of like.
(18:50):
Well, if I'm just lovingeverybody, then I could just be
used and abused and that'sterrible, and I don't believe
the Bible teaches us to let thathappen.
Loving does not mean that weenable toxic behavior or we give
a pass on sin or we continuejust to overlook all of these
(19:11):
offenses.
Now, love covers a multitude ofsins.
I recognize that.
But we should not allow andenable toxic behavior in another
believer and calling that inthe name of love.
We need to set healthyboundaries when necessary of
love.
We need to set healthyboundaries when necessary.
(19:33):
If somebody is always takingadvantage of me after multiple
times I'm going to exercisediscernment and I might have to
set some boundaries there.
Understand Jesus set boundariesI mean in John, chapter two,
verse 24, but Jesus, on his part, did not entrust himself to
them because he knew all people,in a sense that people wanted
to see what he could do with hissigns and they were again
(19:55):
asking him to do many things andmany believed in his name
because they saw the signs.
And Jesus set boundaries.
He at times he walked away.
Other times of Jesus settingboundaries, he confronts sin,
the woman at the well I alludedto her.
He does not allow her tocontinue in her sin and being a
(20:17):
difficult person in that way,but he confronts her sin in love
Again.
Another boundary that Jesus setsis that he prioritizes his
mission above all things, aboveall things that he came to live,
to preach, to share the kingdomof God, to die on the cross,
for our sins to be buried, to beraised from the dead, that we
(20:39):
might have new life andforgiveness in his name.
He prioritized these things, sohe had to say no to things and
to people in order to say yes tothis.
And so, again, when we speaktruth with love, let's balance
with truth and grace.
Speak the truth in love, and weneed to set healthy boundaries
when necessary.
(20:59):
There's a time where we mighteven have to cut off toxic
relationships because it hasgone so far.
That doesn't mean we stopcaring for someone or we stop
praying for that person, but wemight need to create that
distance, that time for healingand for just reconciliation, and
so recognize when and how to dothat.
(21:21):
And if you are thinking well Idon't necessarily know you need
to be talking to other peopleclose friends, pastors, those
that are in your churchcommunity that you love and you
trust, and get wisdom anddiscernment from a multitude of
counselors.
So I just want you to.
Again, hopefully, this ishelpful to think about.
(21:42):
Concerning difficult people,one of the best advices that I
was given early on in theministry was be a hard person to
offend.
And if you are a hard person tooffend it will go a long way to
kind of preventing becoming adifficult person.
Do not be easily offended, beeasily edified, be easily built
(22:07):
up, be easily encouraged, behard to be offended, seek to be
a person that is easy, not sodifficult, and it will go well
with you, it will go well withyour relationships, it will go
well with your church and, again, it's a fulfilling life.
So again, hopefully this ishelpful for you and just want to
(22:29):
be a source of encouragement aswe think through some of these
challenging issues.
And let me remind you what theApostle Paul says Love is
patient and kind.
Love does not envy or boast.
It is not arrogant or rude.
It does not insist on its ownway.
It is not irritable orresentful.
It does not rejoice atwrongdoing but rejoices with the
(22:50):
truth.
Love bears all things, believesall things, hopes all things,
is not irritable or resentful.
It does not rejoice atwrongdoing but rejoices with the
truth.
Love bears all things, believesall things, hopes all things,
endures all things.
Remember.
Loving others is an act ofobedience and worship to God.
I want to thank you forlistening to the Pleasing God
Podcast.
If you have any questions, Iwould love to hear from you.
You can reach out at questionsat pleasinggodpodcastorg.
(23:12):
And remember 1 Thessalonians4.3, this is the will of God,
your sanctification.
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