August 17, 2024 • 42 mins
Episode 44: Love Insurance: Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts with Pastors Ruth and Marcel Langhorn
- Join us for a fun and insightful conversation with Pastors Ruth and Marcel Langhorn, who’ve celebrated over 25 years of marriage and are excited to share their secrets.
- Get the scoop on essential premarital counseling tips and learn how discussing money, intimacy, child-rearing, and communication can set up a lifelong marital fulfillment.
- Dive into the “Cinderella story” myths and emphasize the importance of having realistic expectations.
- Discover how premarital counseling helps align dreams and dealbreakers, fostering relationships built on honesty and flexibility.
- For single sisters preparing for marriage, this episode is a goldmine of wisdom on self-knowledge, personal healing, and building a strong foundation.
- Be inspired by the Langhorns’ incredible journey—balancing 25 years of marriage, ministry, a HUGE family, and multiple businesses while keeping their faith and communication strong.
- This was such a fun and engaging interview—we had a blast, and you’re going to love their energy and insights!
Connect with Pastors Ruth and Marcel Langhorn:
- Website: Igniteourfirecoach.com
- Email: Igniteourfire@gmail.com
Discover Their Books:
- Ruth Langhorn: RuthLanghorn.com
- Finding Grace For Your Race
- This Time It's About Me
- Marcel Langhorn: MarcelCLanghorn.com
- The Making of HiSTORY
Connect with Kimberly
Join the waiting list for Positioned for Love - Ready to find the love you've prayed for and deserve? Join Kimberly's Positioned For Love program, tailored for single Christian women, and gain exclusive early access to our next enrollment.
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Visit her website
Download your copy now -> Should You Take Your Ex Back
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
All right, everyone.
Welcome to the PositionedPodcast.
I am your host, kimberly Knight, and today I am joined by some
of my best friends in this wholewide God-loved world, pastors
Ruth and Marcel Langhorne.
They've been married almost nomore than 25 years, right.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
More than 25 years Going on 26.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
Going on 26.
All right, they have have ninechildren, 10 grandchildren.
They look good y'all.
It don't crack, it don't crack.
Look at that.
Yes, yes, they're also the lead, the lead pastors of dunamis
discipleship ministries.
Student.
No, wait, a minute, wait, wait,let me get it straight because
it's d3 dunamis DiscipleshipMinistries.
No, wait, a minute, wait, wait,let me get it straight because
it's D3.
Dunamis.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Deliverance, discipleship, ministry D3.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
Come on, got it, it's my peeps right there and also
the founders of Ignite, our FireMarriage Ministry.
I just.
They are the bees knees peopleand when it comes to the family
mountain, they have climbed thismountain, conquered the
mountain, planted their flag,claimed it for Jesus, and
they're going to share some ofthat with us today.
(01:09):
And they are definitelyadvocates for marriage, marriage
God's way, and for strongcovenant relationships.
So we're going to talk a littlebit about that today.
Welcome, my friend, welcome,welcome.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
Hello Kevin, we go back a long ways.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
A long listen.
I could tell some stories, butI won't.
One of these days we are goingto tell some of those stories
because we definitely have beenthrough the fire, the rain, a
few hurricanes, a flash flood ortwo, Jesus don't run out of gas
, but God has been faithfulthrough it all.
Speaker 3 (01:46):
Yes, Lord.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
He's been faithful through it all and you've been
good friends through it all, soI bless God for you.
Yes, we're glad to be here, I'mglad to have you I couldn't
wait.
I couldn't wait.
I was really excited, becausewhen it comes to marriage, y'all
really are the real thing.
You know, I've I've been privyto.
I've sat at your table right,I've held your kids' hands while
(02:10):
they crossed the street.
Now they got babies of theirown.
I cannot believe.
Oh, my gosh, right, I've seen.
You know, this is not somethingthat's theoretical, or, you know
, sometimes you see influencersand they want to talk a good
game, but you don't know howthey're living behind the scenes
.
I know how you live, right, andy'all are the real deal.
So I feel like you have so muchto share.
(02:32):
I'm going to get out of yourway.
One of the things that I wantedto hear from you, especially in
light of you founding IgniteOur Fire is really I want to go
in at the deep end, y'all,because y'all know me by now.
You know, is prenatalcounseling really necessary?
(02:53):
Because some folks, some folksfor it, you know, or they don't
feel like it's needed.
So I know that's one of thethings that you do in your
pastoral roles, but it's alsosomething that you focus on and
ignite your fire.
So tell us a little bit aboutthat.
Speaker 3 (03:08):
Yeah, yeah, we've grew up and really when we got
married over 25 years ago, wedid not have premarital
counseling or had any mentorshipin that area.
That's been something that.
But during the course of theyears we noticed how vital it is
(03:31):
, you know, when it comes downto knowing your mate, knowing
someone that you're going to bein covenant relationship for the
rest of your life, and whatthat consists of.
And I think a lot of timespeople just meditate and ponder
and get so mushy about the lovefactor of just loving their mate
(03:56):
.
But after the love is gone, orafter the love has subsided,
then what, right?
Who's good in money management?
Come on.
Who's good in raising kids?
You know, what are all theseother factors that come into
play that we don't talk aboutbecause we're so into I love you
(04:20):
, I love you, I love you.
But there is more to marriagethan just loving your mate.
There are things that need tobe done structurally.
There are things that need tobe done as it relates to coming
into an agreement.
There's some non-negotiables,there's a lot that goes on with
that.
So I think it's important forus to begin to navigate those
(04:43):
questions, and that's whatpremarital sessions deal with.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
Yeah, I think premarital counseling is
definitely necessary.
It's a foundation, it's aninvestment right.
It's how you build a strongfoundation and how you begin a
wise investment for your life.
And I think I echo what myhusband said, because we didn't
(05:10):
have that, we realized the valueof it.
So much, so many mistakes.
We probably wouldn't have madeThings we did if we had someone
sitting down and really openingup questions.
That's what happens when you dopremarital counseling sitting
down and really opening upquestions.
That's what happens when you dopremarital counseling.
You begin to have questionsopened up and conversations,
because marriage is a hundredpercent based on communication
(05:33):
and just understanding.
You know, learning thelanguages, and so those
questions need to be asked.
And it's an investment, a wiseinvestment, to put yourself in,
you know, for your marriage,before you get married and even
while you're married.
Good, to get marital counselingright.
Speaker 3 (05:52):
Right.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
Before the fire is really hit.
We want to ignite your fireBefore it burns the house down.
Yeah, before it burns the housedown.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
I'm sorry, I just have to go back to something
Marcel said, because I think itis so powerful.
And sometimes especially I know, during my single season it's
so easy to get caught up in theromance piece and how you're
feeling and the butterflies, anddid I kiss him and my foot
popped.
If I see that in one more movie, right, that might be plantar
fasciitis, we don't know.
Listen, you lift up your footfor a whole lot of different
(06:27):
reasons.
Your shoe might be too tight, Idon't know.
But when we start talking aboutmarriage, I'm going to need
more than that, and I hear youwhen you're saying that that
romantic piece, it's gone.
It just wear off some by some ofthese practical things that we
haven't put any anything inplace for, right.
So so, going back to that, Ithink that is so key.
(06:49):
Did you know that there that,uh, biologically, when you are
infatuated with someone for 18months, your brain chemistry has
changed?
It literally changes your brainchemistry, right?
Yeah, so tech.
That's why people get past thatquote honeymoon stage, and then
(07:11):
it's like, oh my gosh, what didI do?
I married the wrong person.
No, you don't have to walk thisout now, right, like, just like
your salvation with fear andtrembling, and what are those
practical things that we need tolook at putting in place before
we say I do?
Speaker 3 (07:29):
Right, right, yeah, that's you know, I mean you said
you know 18 months, but youknow we see people that want to
get into 18 weeks and 18 days,get married.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
That's a real talk.
Speaker 3 (07:44):
Right, they're ready, real talk.
Right, they're ready to tie theknot.
They think that there's nobodyelse when you don't even know
the half about an individual.
When it comes down to that, andI think, and I've heard it, and
I know it to be a reality, thatbefore you say I do, you have
(08:04):
to know an individual in allseasons of life.
Come on, that's good you know,you have to know them.
How are they when they getangry?
How are they when they getstressed out?
Do they retreat?
Do they go to drinking?
Do they go to drugging?
You know what is it.
You have to know them in allaspects of life and I think we
(08:26):
don't give enough time spent inpremarital sessions and
counseling in order for peopleto understand, to know their
mate in all seasons.
Yeah, you know them.
In the happy seasons, you know.
But what about when things arenot going right?
What about when you get sick oryou broke your leg?
Would your mate then come toyou and assist you before you
(08:50):
even got married?
How are they going to react toit?
You know, when you can't docertain things or you're not
bringing in the right income,you know at that particular
junction of your life, notbecause you know you're lazy or
anything, because you're just ina season that you have to
navigate in order to get out ofthat season.
So it's important just to justto experience that gamut in a
(09:13):
relationship so that people canknow OK, yes, I've married the
right person, someone that I'mcompatible with, somebody,
someone that I know that will bein right, in the right, in the
right tune of where I'm goingand where I'm heading at.
So all of that is so necessary.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
Yeah, and I think counseling opens that
communication up.
It begins to ask those questionsand present those things, so
that you can kind of hear aperson talk, and because being
pre-counseling is pretty muchbeing a mediator, one in between
, because being pre-counselingis pretty much being a mediator,
one in between, and that canreally begin to present
situations to the people, thespouses that are getting married
(09:53):
, the people getting married, sothat they can begin to have an
open communication to say, yeah,this is how I feel about it, so
you know, you're not bamboozledat the end, you know.
So that's what the counselingdoes and why it's important.
Speaker 3 (10:07):
And a lot of times I think what we need to do is, you
know, what we do in ourpremarital counseling sessions
is that we talk about thingsthat we know that they don't
talk about.
Right, just really delve intothings that they know and you
know.
You know who's good's good inmoney management, which one who
(10:29):
handles the money, who's thespender and who's a saver, or
both of y'all spending your lifeaway.
You know.
You know who wants a house, howmany kids you want.
Speaker 2 (10:38):
You know, uh, yeah, right, what's absolute, you know
, like the absolute right.
Yeah, absolute negotiable Right.
Speaker 3 (10:46):
If you found it in an area of infidelity, what's
going to happen?
How will you respond to it?
Is that the end all?
Is that one of yournon-negotiables?
Understanding what marriageconsists of?
And just allowing couples, whenthey do come to us, to begin to
(11:08):
navigate those kinds ofquestions, and then having
homework to ponder and exercisesto see where they are in a
relationship and how how much doyou really know your mate?
Speaker 2 (11:23):
Right.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
Yeah.
So you know I'm listening and Ione of the things and I've said
it on the show many, many timesmoney issues break up more
couples than infidelity.
So it's very interesting thatyou brought up both of those
things, cause you're like notneck and neck, but they're, you
know, one behind the other andyou have those discussions right
.
So I'm one of those people whobelieves that straight talk
(11:45):
makes a straight understanding.
Especially before you getmarried, you want to know what
you're getting yourself into,and this decision, to me, is so
impactful.
The only thing that I feel ismore impactful, decision-wise,
is your decision to followChrist.
The second most impactfuldecision on your life is who you
marry, because that really isgoing to guide the course of
(12:06):
your life and you know, and yourdirection, what you do, what
you don't do, where you go, youknow how far you can take your
dreams and things like that.
So that's really interesting.
And what comes to mind for methen is do you?
Have you ever gotten into thesecounseling sessions and you're
like, oh, y'all should not bemarried?
Speaker 3 (12:22):
Oh yeah, oh yeah, we just had one.
Yeah, that wasn't good to thelast day.
Speaker 2 (12:38):
Okay, yeah, yeah I think that choice timing is
everything.
It's not so much always thatthey don't need to get married,
it's just that they don't needto get married now sometimes.
Yeah, that's good Becausethey're not mature enough and
(12:59):
ready for the gamuts of thingsthat come against marriage
spiritually.
So you know it's important, youknow to be honest with them and
tell them the requirements isnot the recommendation is not
you shouldn't get married, butmostly that y'all need more time
(13:20):
.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
Yeah, that's wisdom.
That's wisdom, I think, thatyou know, in Titus 2, it says
that the older women shouldteach the younger women you know
, how to be wives and mothers,how to keep their own homes and
and um be about their business.
Right, um, and also there is um.
I always say we don't date in avacuum.
(13:44):
There has to be somebody whoknows you and somebody who knows
you, so somebody who K?
N O W you-W you, who knows howyou tick and what ticks you off.
Right, and that would be cominginto counseling.
And then somebody who can sayno to you like no, this is not
the time, no, this is not theperson, no, this is not the
place.
Right, because it's to save usfrom disaster.
(14:06):
Yeah, you know why not spendthat extra six months worth of
counseling on the front end sowe're not doing, six years later
, a divorce on the back end?
Ask me how I know Jesus saves.
I come in peace.
That's real talk.
That's real talk, right.
And I don't think that we havethat discussion enough in the
kingdom.
(14:27):
Like you know, if, if we'rebothians and we're equally yoked
, not so right, so it's notenough just to be, you know, we
both love jesus, oh, and we loveeach other, okay, but there's
some real, real stuff that weneed to talk, to talk about,
like, I don't want to see yourmother every weekend and eat her
chili on every sunday night.
I love your mother, I justdon't.
(14:49):
I that's not how I want to spendmy sunday night yeah, right
yeah um, so I think that thatwhat you're doing here is so
powerful because maybe, maybe wecan impact the divorce rate,
which, statistically, has beenjust as high in the church as it
has been outside of the churchwhich is very much so, yeah,
very much so, yeah, a lot ofthat has to do with expectations
(15:11):
.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
What do you think about expectations in marriage?
Yeah, I think a lot ofexpectations are false and yeah,
it is the way picket fence.
Right, huh, the way, the whiteyeah, the white picket fence,
but I think that it's onlybecause the truth hasn't been
presented to them.
Yes, and I think that you can.
You can dream dreams and wantcertain things, but real life
(15:38):
and experience.
We talked about this.
we talked about time equityright, like putting that time in
with people who have beenmarried and saying you know,
asking the right questions andsaying you know, this is how I
see it and be being flexible,because marriage is all about
flexibility.
Yeah, marriage is all aboutflexibility and so you know, you
(16:03):
, you have to really allowyourself to become.
I say that marriage is not Icome in here and you're going to
form to what I want.
Marriage is we come togetherand we're going to form
something new.
Right.
God called us to be, so there'sgoing to be some tests and
trials and some things, but wedo believe in giving your
(16:25):
negotiables and non-negotiables.
I think that you should havethat from the door, like certain
things that you can say hewants 17 kids and I don't want
any, we don't have a problem.
And I don't think you should getmarried, you know what I'm
saying, and you need to behonest with each other.
There should be somenegotiables, or, if you can't
handle that, we need to getmarried.
(16:46):
Something as simple as that.
We believe we're going tochange people.
Yeah, no, don't, don't havethese grand um expectations of
you know, especially us women.
Right?
We believe that I can changehim I can.
Speaker 1 (17:02):
We have enough problems trying to change
ourselves.
Speaker 2 (17:04):
Come on oh listen, our hormones go and change up on
us so we, like this today, saythat come on.
So I think the expectations wedeal with a lot in marriage
counseling to help you figureout what's rational, what's
reasonable and what's not yeah,I think that's necessary.
Speaker 3 (17:25):
Uh, and I think that's what the whole basis of
the marriage counseling consistsof is to have them be forced to
dialogue about their desires,their wants, their likes, their
dislikes, and begin to have aconversation of what that looks
like.
(17:45):
I don't like it.
When you did this in front ofyour mother-in-law you embarrass
me Having those kind ofconversations so that they're
understanding about you know howwe should function in the
public and in private.
Come on, you know, and it'sjust those areas that I think is
necessary, because theexpectation he may just feel
(18:06):
like, okay, I'm just joking, butshe may not feel that way, and
then we tap into someinsecurities in her that draws
the relationship apart thanjoining it together.
So just having those realisticexpectations of who you are and
when we are joking, that we bothcome into an agreement of what
(18:28):
the boundaries of those areasare you know what are the
boundaries, and I think that'swhat expectations help us.
It helps us, with boundaries,understanding what is realistic
boundaries, safe boundaries,healthy boundaries for us to
begin to build this newrelationship that we find
ourselves in.
Speaker 1 (18:48):
So good.
Oh my gosh, this is so good.
I really think that if a lot ofpeople took the time to really
do this and were open and honest, we would have different
outcomes.
Right?
One of the things we do inPosition for Love, which is my
program for single sisters whowant to stop embracing their
singleness and get married.
What are your expectations?
(19:11):
Right?
And I call it the Cinderellastory.
What's your Cinderella story?
Tell me what your Cinderellastory is, because I could tell
you what mine is.
Can I tell you what myCinderella story was?
Yeah, come on.
Because I don't know if y'allknow, y'all don't know what my
Cinderella story is.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
You don't know what my Cinderella story is.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
You don't know how to keep a little something to keep
our relationship exciting.
I cannot.
So you know I'm a good churchgirl at heart, right?
So you know my, my Cinderellastory got to be holy, yeah,
holiness over here.
Okay, so my Cinderella story isI'm going to be at church one
day, cause of course the onlything I was doing was church,
home and the kids and work,right and, and occasional
(19:48):
shopping.
So you know it had to involvethe church.
So I was going to be at churchone Sunday and you know I always
sit in the same little seat andI was going to come and there
was going to be somebody, likeyou know, a seat next to me and
it was going to be.
One of the families was having afamily reunion.
You know how all the cousinscome, right, they're going to
come to Big Mama's church forthe family reunion, to big
(20:09):
mama's church for the familyreunion.
So they were all coming andthis tall, dark, handsome, rich,
well-spoken man was going tocome and say, is this seat taken
?
And he was going to sit hereand the aunties were going to be
in the back going.
That's the Lord putting thattogether.
(20:29):
That's what.
That's the Lord.
That ain't nothing but Jesusright there.
Now there's 300 other seatsRight, but that's Jesus right
there and he was going to sitdown and one thing was going to
lead to another and then we weregoing to have coffee.
But of course we're going tohave coffee at the reunion
because, you know, we don't.
We don't want to be alonetogether and give the appearance
of evil.
That's part of my Cinderellastory story.
(20:51):
Lord, have mercy on the churchtoday.
And for those who know and Iknow y'all know my meeting, my
husband didn't look anythinglike that when I say it couldn't
have been further down thespectrum, if, if we said this is
the spectrum and this is oneend and this is the other end,
it couldn couldn't have beenfurther away.
And uh, you know cause?
I met my husband online.
(21:13):
We, we met and married in eightmonths and it was.
It was just totally differentthan my son.
It didn't hit any of my littleCinderella points and I had to
tell him.
I was like you know, this didnot pan out the way my fantasy
said it should.
And he just looks at me, helaughs, he walks away.
But this was not my fantasy.
You were supposed to come inand you know where are the
(21:35):
aunties?
Where?
are the aunties that weresupposed to be like.
That's Jesus.
Where are they Right?
But sometimes we get so caughtup in that that we miss the
moment.
And let me tell you, can I behonest with y'all, miss the
moment.
And let me tell you, can I behonest with y'all, my spiritual
mother, who you know, who I lovedearly, who has spoken into my
life just as long as y'all havebeen in my life she said to me I
(22:00):
remember when I met my husbandand she was the one who pulled
me out of fantasy land and Imight have missed a good husband
, I might have missed thismarriage, if she had not known
me.
You know how I say you have toK-N-O-W somebody and she was
like not so fast, let's seewhere this goes, because the one
thing I was was submitted right, if you see a change in me
(22:21):
while I'm dating him, I need youto tell me that, if I'm telling
you some of the things he'ssaying, because whatever he said
to me, I told her.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
Okay, I'm like I'm letting you know right now,
she's going to know all yourbusiness, all of it,
accountability, okay.
Speaker 1 (22:37):
And I had to do that and even though I was 48 years
old at the time, I was mentoringyoung women, right.
So all I was ministering towomen.
I had four ministries at thechurch I oversaw.
So I wanted to be asaccountable as I asked them to
be, even though at 48, peoplewould say you grown, grown, I'm
grown, grown, grown, grown rightAt 48 years old.
(22:57):
But I wanted to be submitted.
I also.
I know that the last time Imade a choice about a marriage
it didn't turn out the way Iwanted and again, we didn't have
that kind of counseling.
We didn't have the practicalthings that you were talking
about.
We just thought those thingswould work themselves out.
They did not.
They worked themselves out indivorce court.
So when we finally startedhaving real communication about
(23:20):
practical stuff, we were indivorce court.
Okay, that's a whole anothershow Y'all, I'll have to do that
show.
But with this one this wasdifferent, because before we, my
spiritual mother said to mecan't y'all just go to a movie
or something?
Because we were so busy havingthose kind of conversations,
right, Like, what are yournon-negotiables and you can't?
(23:42):
Ladies, you cannot have 36,000things on your non-negotiable.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
Come on, come on.
Speaker 1 (23:48):
There's a there's a big difference and let's stop
watching these movies.
And I'm not going to name namesor networks, I'm just going to
say let's stop watching thesemovies where the man has to
always climb Rapunzel's wall.
You got to be mean and bitterand he's got to get past all
(24:10):
that because of your pain andhe's got to help you past your
pain.
Stop, stop, stop.
That's part of the cinderellafantasy.
We're not going to do thatright and give this man all of
this extra work that he didn'tcreate.
Oh, I'm, I'm gonna get into mypreach, so I'm gonna walk away
from that somebody needed tohear that right yeah
(24:31):
you need to work all that out.
But we were having thesepractical conversations about um
.
At that time I was caretakingmy mom.
Like what does that mean for us?
Where would we live?
Because that I don't.
I'm the only one who'scaretaking, right, so I have all
of her affairs I have to handle.
I can only.
I only want to be so far away.
What about my, my children,even though they were of adult
(24:55):
age?
But what does that mean to you?
Right, and you know verypractical things like the kind
of work that I do, the kind ofwork that he did.
There was an aspect of my work.
He's like I don't know if Icould handle that, because I
really don't know, because itwas something that would put me
into very special situationswith people who may not like
that I was there, right.
(25:17):
So he was like I don't know.
So I was like, okay, all thishas to be discussed and what
does this mean for us and whatwould you need to make you feel
that I was safe and all thosekinds of things, right?
See, that's not sexy right,that's not sexy, but let's fast
forward, right?
So now we're in the marriage.
It wasn't sexy beforehand, butnow it'll save your sex life
(25:42):
because you won't have all theselittle hidden agendas that are
keeping you from wanting to beintimate with each other.
Because you had theconversations right, I'm
honestly free to be me, becauseyou already know what makes me
tick.
You already know who I am.
We had these discussions and Iwant to say, even with that, you
still to your point, pastorRuth, over there, you still
(26:05):
don't have to be flexible, right, because what and what worked
for you year one?
I can tell you.
Right now we're in year eight.
There's some things we had togo back and go.
That's not working.
No more, that is not.
We had to go back and go.
That's not working.
No more, that is not.
We had to revisit.
Times change, people change, ourneeds change.
Our stage of life has changed.
My husband's looking atretirement Glory, be to God,
(26:27):
hallelujah.
I know my brother over therebeat us to it over there.
Retired and living life, thatchanges.
You know, you kind of havethose perceptions.
Yeah, oh, hallelujah.
I feel so much better since Igot that off my chest.
That's oh, kim, y'all.
(26:48):
This is the way we talk whenwe're, when we're together, we
really do.
We preach at each other, weprophesy, we laugh till we cry,
we cry right and stuff, but inthe end I love these people,
like macaroni loves cheese.
We love you.
Come on, I'm so glad, I'm soglad.
So I, I know that you knowthere are so many things now
(27:11):
that are going on with marriage,um, in and out of the kingdom.
There are so many things thatare going on in the world.
What kind of insights or advicecould you give to the single
sisters who are looking to getmarried, who may be in a serious
relationship right now, maybewaiting for that ring, or may
just have gotten the ring?
(27:31):
We get the ring and then, allof a sudden, you know what we
want to do.
Right, we get the bridemagazines.
We get our board out, ourPinterest, we get started.
We get the bride magazines.
We get out that.
We get our board out thatPinterest, we get started.
We want to craft theinvitations and we want to look
at the what do you call thosethings?
A flower arrangements and allthat, and that's fun, and we
should do that and enjoy that,right, yeah, what kind of
(27:51):
practical information can youshare, or tips with our single
sisters that will save theirmarriages before they even start
?
Speaker 2 (28:02):
wow, you want me to go, for I think you should go
first, because I got a lotyou'll never get in, but go
ahead, you go first wow, um, Ithink the first thing that they
need to they need to know istheir identity.
Speaker 3 (28:18):
I think they need to know who they are and what, uh,
you know what God is doing intheir lives and and begin to
heal some of those areas, uh,within their own personal walk.
That is so necessary, um, forthem to um to navigate, them to
(28:39):
navigate before they getintertwined with their mate, and
I think oftentimes, that whatthey don't realize is that
marriage is not about findingthe right person, but it's about
having the right person, thatyou're building together, that
unity and that bond in order togrow.
(29:02):
Oftentimes, when you hearsomeone that I'm looking for the
right person, it almost seemsas if they are looking for the
right person, but they are outof sync or they are not giving
their half in order tocontribute to become one.
The Bible said the two shallbecome one and it's necessary
(29:24):
for them to unite together andbuild together in order for them
to experience the wholenessthat they're going to experience
, unlike when they were single.
So that just navigating whatthat looks like and being open
to both changing andtransforming together in the
(29:46):
image and likeness of God, butalso in the responsibility and
in the commitment that you bothchose to be together in order to
build, is necessary for them toto unite on that level as well.
Speaker 1 (30:02):
Yeah definitely.
And.
Speaker 2 (30:05):
I would say preparation, like what he's
talking about, in yourself.
This is scripture.
I was just looking at Proverbs24,.
27 says prepare your workoutside and get your fields
ready.
27 says prepare your workoutside and get your fields
ready, then build your house andyou begin to sow into yourself.
(30:28):
That's what that scripturehelps me understand.
When I first got married I wasyoung.
I didn't have an opportunity.
No one ever told me you know,like you need to know who you
are before you say I do.
And I think that caused a lotof conflict because I was
waiting for him to tell me who Iwas or someone to affirm me
when I needed to know who I was.
And I think that if you prepareyour heart as a woman for
(30:50):
marriage, I think the greatestproblem statistics say there's
over especially Christian women.
70 percent of married womencontemplate divorce because of
their perception of what theirposition is.
They really don't understandwho they are as a helpmate and
what is expected of them.
So their expectations, likewhat you said, kim, are very
(31:12):
grandeur and big and they don'treally understand our role as a
helpmate to help build up theman.
So it's not to be their mamaokay, it's not to tell them what
to do and how to do it.
But if you know who you are andbegin to prepare yourself to be
a wife that's full of favor,full of of the favor of the Lord
(31:38):
, you understand who you go to.
You go to the king of kings andhe'll speak to the king of your
household.
And so a lot of it comes fromnot understanding.
You know, the Bible says a wisewoman builds up her house with
her words.
And so sometimes we tear downour house, not realizing we're
(32:00):
doing it bit by bit, little bylittle.
You don't realize you're takingout a center block on the side
because of your frustration andyour lack of contentment with
what you see.
And part of it is because youreally just don't know who you
are, how you are to speak to theking in the man, and so, and he
becomes as you begin to speak,but you in the man, and so, and
he becomes as you begin to speak.
But you can't do that if no oneever really spoke up in you.
(32:25):
Yeah, so I think that, yeah, andso submission, understanding,
that's my wisdom for the women,asking God to show you what that
really looks like and who youare as a helpmate, and how to
build up your husband, how tobuild up your house, even though
you see it looking like, listen, we about to go down and he
(32:47):
can't even do nothing.
He don't see nothing butlearning how to build that up.
And when you learn how to dothis before you get married, you
put this into practice, youcultivate the ground, it'll
become easier.
I'm not going to say it's goingto be easy, but it will become
easier to do it and you'll findyourself staying married.
(33:08):
You'll find yourself, you know,um, choosing.
Well, let's say that firstright, cause you got to choose
well, well first, and so youhave to have a standard.
You're, you're a king of, you'rea daughter of the king, and he
will tell you exactly whereyou're supposed to be, what
you're supposed to do, whoyou're supposed to be with
instead of your desires,speaking to you, telling you
(33:29):
what you want, what it'ssupposed to feel like, how it's
supposed to sound, you know, butI think that the world in we
have a false narrative of whatmarriage is.
Speaker 3 (33:40):
You know, and if we look back, this is history of
what that consists of.
You know, when we, when, whengirls were little girls, they
used to play with dollhouses,and then they had Ken and they
had Barbie and they used to justhave a house together and
everything was just solovey-dovey and, like I said,
just a false expectation of whatthat consists of when it comes
(34:03):
down to coming into a realistic,real-life marriage and coveted
with one another and just havingthat.
You know, I never heard whereBarbie and Ken ever had an
argument they don't talk I know,I know, but when you, when you,
when you, when you're playingwith barbie and ken, it's always
(34:26):
a positive, happy.
You know we're going into thehouse together, we're playing
together with the dream houseright and the dream conversation
and everything is solovey-dovey that there is no,
there was no debate, there wasno confrontation, there was this
there's, no, there's no in-laws.
(34:47):
Wait a minute come on, come onall of these things, that.
And so we come into realitydealing with relationships,
going to junior high school inhigh school and dealing with
immature males and immaturerelationships and really don't
know how to navigate what thatis.
(35:07):
And then we begin to compromise.
We begin to compromise ourvalues and our standards,
because that's all we see in amale, in a man, and I think it's
important to glean on thewisdom of those that have
relationships, that healthyrelationship that are married,
(35:30):
and begin to glean on thatwisdom.
And that's why premaritalcounseling is so important,
because it helps to break downthose myths and really allow the
couples to have a fightingchance.
Come on, a fighting chance withmarriage.
Speaker 1 (35:45):
Yeah, so good.
Oh my gosh, you know y'all arecoming back, right, we have to.
You know y'all got to come back.
We want to catch on yeah.
Oh my gosh, Because this is likejust the beginning.
I think to me this was theintro Right, we want to save
marriages before they start.
Oh my gosh, this is so good,all right.
So here's some other stuff thatpeople need to know about y'all
(36:07):
.
So they're back here with allthese kids, like nine children,
10 grand, still looking good,still loving each other.
They've had the church almostnine years, right, and you have
now Ignite Our Fire.
You also have between the twoof you at least four businesses
that I count.
I know there's more.
I know there's more, and myfriend Ruth over here has
(36:32):
written several books, but mybrother wrote a book.
Y'all came out with your books.
I thought that was so cool.
I thought that was so cool.
I am going to drop in the showdescription the link for you to
check out their books.
You need to hear what they haveto say because after 25 years,
nine kids, 10 grandchildrenrunning the church, running the
(36:52):
businesses, caretaking elderlyrelatives and all the other
stuff that comes in betweenthey're still together, they're
still in love and, witheverything I've walked through
with y'all, I have never onceheard either one of you mention
divorce.
Never, never, never, never,never, never.
Speaker 3 (37:11):
We mentioned it before we got married and the
conversation went something likethis I don't believe in divorce
.
She said me too.
So we knew that that was anon-negotiable for us.
We may separate, we may argueand listen.
Are we not here to paint apicture that our marriage is
(37:34):
this, that Barbie and Ken kindof marriage?
But we understood how tonavigate some of the storms that
we had to deal with when itcame down to our marriage.
And really knowing that it takeseffort and it's going to take
work and it's going to takecompromising and it's going to
(37:54):
take forgiveness, it's going totake all of that and, most
importantly, it's going to takeGod.
We're going to need God to bein that equation in marriage.
(38:24):
Because when I can't, tonavigate another conversation
about reconciliation and healingand knowing how to go forth in
our marriage, and I think that'swhat we've learned along the
way, we've learned that alongthe way.
So, and if people are justwilling to you know, to to
sacrifice their own feelings andemotions, I think they'll be
able to understand that they canmake it work with God.
Speaker 1 (38:46):
Right and being honest.
Speaker 2 (38:49):
And being honest, I think that, like what he said,
the non-negotiables like thatwas a non-negotiable for us.
Yeah, if we're going to say Ido, it's going to be forever Cut
off leg.
Speaker 3 (39:04):
You know what I mean, those conversations take the
wheel.
Speaker 2 (39:10):
You know, whatever, you know we're not going to get
a divorce.
So we don't even play with theword, we don't even mention the
word.
You can still have disagree.
It's okay to have conflict.
It's okay to have conflict, andwe learned that.
You know communication andconflict are going to work
(39:30):
together, but resolve is what weneed to have and that's what we
pray to the Lord for forresolve.
Speaker 1 (39:37):
And he's giving it to you and we love you for it.
I love y'all, we love you too,we love you too, you should.
Speaker 3 (39:44):
You really should.
You ain't going nowhere, shoot.
Speaker 1 (39:47):
Child, please.
You know I know when my bread'sbuttered honey, it's all good,
it's all good.
Y'all are definitely going tocome back and I can't wait to
have you back.
I'm going to have my brotherback to talk about some of the
things we need to know as womenabout our husbands.
Speaker 2 (40:01):
Yeah, he's going to tell us some secrets?
Speaker 1 (40:04):
I don't know.
Give me my brother's phone.
Speaker 2 (40:10):
We're going to get some of those secrets told, we
know how to act once we do getmarried?
Speaker 1 (40:14):
Hello, and can we talk about intimacy?
Please Listen now.
I have this thing on my show,because I don't know if y'all
been listening to all myepisodes, but I have this thing
on my show where I tell peoplethis is one of those headphone
episodes.
Speaker 3 (40:28):
Yeah, people don't really know.
I really married Dr Ruth.
Speaker 1 (40:35):
Listen, I said that to her I'm not going to pass
away but I really have thenumber one, dr Ruth, in the
world.
I'm telling you you got to talkabout this.
This conversation need to betalked about.
I think it's necessary in thekingdom it is necessary and
we're going to have some grownfolk conversation.
It's going to be definitely aheadphone conversation, unless
you want your babies to get anew education, cause we're going
(40:57):
to go in there.
Y'all know I don't have aproblem talking about this stuff
.
I think that that's one of thereasons we keep getting tripped
up about it, because we don'ttell the truth and we're not
having these kinds ofconversations that we should be
having.
Right, I can't wait for thenext episode when y'all come on,
because this has been thebombcom.
Listen, y'all have just filledme up for my whole week I'm not
(41:22):
even going to say for thisepisode or for this day, for my
whole week, and I am so blessedto have you not as guests but as
part of my life and forallowing me to share you with
the people.
I want to just bless you as yougo for all that you have poured
out and the virtue that you allhave poured out, and I'm
looking forward to having you onagain.
Speaker 2 (41:44):
We can't wait.
Yeah, I love this.
Speaker 1 (41:47):
I'm so glad.
All right, y'all.
I'm going to put their contactinfo, along with the links to
their books, in the show notesand until next time, be
wonderfully blessed.
Bye now, bye-bye.
All right, everyone.
Welcome to the PositionedPodcast.
I am your host, kimberly Knight, and today I am joined by some
of my best friends in this wholewide God-loved world, pastors
Ruth and Marcel Langhorne.
They've been married almost nomore than 25 years, right.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
More than 25 years Going on 26.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
Going on 26.
All right, they have have ninechildren, 10 grandchildren.
They look good y'all.
It don't crack, it don't crack.
Look at that.
Yes, yes, they're also the lead, the lead pastors of dunamis
discipleship ministries.
Student.
No, wait, a minute, wait, wait,let me get it straight because
it's d3 dunamis DiscipleshipMinistries.
No, wait, a minute, wait, wait,let me get it straight because
it's D3.
Dunamis.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Deliverance, discipleship, ministry D3.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
Come on, got it, it's my peeps right there and also
the founders of Ignite, our FireMarriage Ministry.
I just.
They are the bees knees peopleand when it comes to the family
mountain, they have climbed thismountain, conquered the
mountain, planted their flag,claimed it for Jesus, and
they're going to share some ofthat with us today.
(01:09):
And they are definitelyadvocates for marriage, marriage
God's way, and for strongcovenant relationships.
So we're going to talk a littlebit about that today.
Welcome, my friend, welcome,welcome.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
Hello Kevin, we go back a long ways.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
A long listen.
I could tell some stories, butI won't.
One of these days we are goingto tell some of those stories
because we definitely have beenthrough the fire, the rain, a
few hurricanes, a flash flood ortwo, Jesus don't run out of gas
, but God has been faithfulthrough it all.
Speaker 3 (01:46):
Yes, Lord.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
He's been faithful through it all and you've been
good friends through it all, soI bless God for you.
Yes, we're glad to be here, I'mglad to have you I couldn't
wait.
I couldn't wait.
I was really excited, becausewhen it comes to marriage, y'all
really are the real thing.
You know, I've I've been privyto.
I've sat at your table right,I've held your kids' hands while
(02:10):
they crossed the street.
Now they got babies of theirown.
I cannot believe.
Oh, my gosh, right, I've seen.
You know, this is not somethingthat's theoretical, or, you know
, sometimes you see influencersand they want to talk a good
game, but you don't know howthey're living behind the scenes
.
I know how you live, right, andy'all are the real deal.
So I feel like you have so muchto share.
(02:32):
I'm going to get out of yourway.
One of the things that I wantedto hear from you, especially in
light of you founding IgniteOur Fire is really I want to go
in at the deep end, y'all,because y'all know me by now.
You know, is prenatalcounseling really necessary?
(02:53):
Because some folks, some folksfor it, you know, or they don't
feel like it's needed.
So I know that's one of thethings that you do in your
pastoral roles, but it's alsosomething that you focus on and
ignite your fire.
So tell us a little bit aboutthat.
Speaker 3 (03:08):
Yeah, yeah, we've grew up and really when we got
married over 25 years ago, wedid not have premarital
counseling or had any mentorshipin that area.
That's been something that.
But during the course of theyears we noticed how vital it is
(03:31):
, you know, when it comes downto knowing your mate, knowing
someone that you're going to bein covenant relationship for the
rest of your life, and whatthat consists of.
And I think a lot of timespeople just meditate and ponder
and get so mushy about the lovefactor of just loving their mate
(03:56):
.
But after the love is gone, orafter the love has subsided,
then what, right?
Who's good in money management?
Come on.
Who's good in raising kids?
You know, what are all theseother factors that come into
play that we don't talk aboutbecause we're so into I love you
(04:20):
, I love you, I love you.
But there is more to marriagethan just loving your mate.
There are things that need tobe done structurally.
There are things that need tobe done as it relates to coming
into an agreement.
There's some non-negotiables,there's a lot that goes on with
that.
So I think it's important forus to begin to navigate those
(04:43):
questions, and that's whatpremarital sessions deal with.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
Yeah, I think premarital counseling is
definitely necessary.
It's a foundation, it's aninvestment right.
It's how you build a strongfoundation and how you begin a
wise investment for your life.
And I think I echo what myhusband said, because we didn't
(05:10):
have that, we realized the valueof it.
So much, so many mistakes.
We probably wouldn't have madeThings we did if we had someone
sitting down and really openingup questions.
That's what happens when you dopremarital counseling sitting
down and really opening upquestions.
That's what happens when you dopremarital counseling.
You begin to have questionsopened up and conversations,
because marriage is a hundredpercent based on communication
(05:33):
and just understanding.
You know, learning thelanguages, and so those
questions need to be asked.
And it's an investment, a wiseinvestment, to put yourself in,
you know, for your marriage,before you get married and even
while you're married.
Good, to get marital counselingright.
Speaker 3 (05:52):
Right.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
Before the fire is really hit.
We want to ignite your fireBefore it burns the house down.
Yeah, before it burns the housedown.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
I'm sorry, I just have to go back to something
Marcel said, because I think itis so powerful.
And sometimes especially I know, during my single season it's
so easy to get caught up in theromance piece and how you're
feeling and the butterflies, anddid I kiss him and my foot
popped.
If I see that in one more movie, right, that might be plantar
fasciitis, we don't know.
Listen, you lift up your footfor a whole lot of different
(06:27):
reasons.
Your shoe might be too tight, Idon't know.
But when we start talking aboutmarriage, I'm going to need
more than that, and I hear youwhen you're saying that that
romantic piece, it's gone.
It just wear off some by some ofthese practical things that we
haven't put any anything inplace for, right.
So so, going back to that, Ithink that is so key.
(06:49):
Did you know that there that,uh, biologically, when you are
infatuated with someone for 18months, your brain chemistry has
changed?
It literally changes your brainchemistry, right?
Yeah, so tech.
That's why people get past thatquote honeymoon stage, and then
(07:11):
it's like, oh my gosh, what didI do?
I married the wrong person.
No, you don't have to walk thisout now, right, like, just like
your salvation with fear andtrembling, and what are those
practical things that we need tolook at putting in place before
we say I do?
Speaker 3 (07:29):
Right, right, yeah, that's you know, I mean you said
you know 18 months, but youknow we see people that want to
get into 18 weeks and 18 days,get married.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
That's a real talk.
Speaker 3 (07:44):
Right, they're ready, real talk.
Right, they're ready to tie theknot.
They think that there's nobodyelse when you don't even know
the half about an individual.
When it comes down to that, andI think, and I've heard it, and
I know it to be a reality, thatbefore you say I do, you have
(08:04):
to know an individual in allseasons of life.
Come on, that's good you know,you have to know them.
How are they when they getangry?
How are they when they getstressed out?
Do they retreat?
Do they go to drinking?
Do they go to drugging?
You know what is it.
You have to know them in allaspects of life and I think we
(08:26):
don't give enough time spent inpremarital sessions and
counseling in order for peopleto understand, to know their
mate in all seasons.
Yeah, you know them.
In the happy seasons, you know.
But what about when things arenot going right?
What about when you get sick oryou broke your leg?
Would your mate then come toyou and assist you before you
(08:50):
even got married?
How are they going to react toit?
You know, when you can't docertain things or you're not
bringing in the right income,you know at that particular
junction of your life, notbecause you know you're lazy or
anything, because you're just ina season that you have to
navigate in order to get out ofthat season.
So it's important just to justto experience that gamut in a
(09:13):
relationship so that people canknow OK, yes, I've married the
right person, someone that I'mcompatible with, somebody,
someone that I know that will bein right, in the right, in the
right tune of where I'm goingand where I'm heading at.
So all of that is so necessary.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
Yeah, and I think counseling opens that
communication up.
It begins to ask those questionsand present those things, so
that you can kind of hear aperson talk, and because being
pre-counseling is pretty muchbeing a mediator, one in between
, because being pre-counselingis pretty much being a mediator,
one in between, and that canreally begin to present
situations to the people, thespouses that are getting married
(09:53):
, the people getting married, sothat they can begin to have an
open communication to say, yeah,this is how I feel about it, so
you know, you're not bamboozledat the end, you know.
So that's what the counselingdoes and why it's important.
Speaker 3 (10:07):
And a lot of times I think what we need to do is, you
know, what we do in ourpremarital counseling sessions
is that we talk about thingsthat we know that they don't
talk about.
Right, just really delve intothings that they know and you
know.
You know who's good's good inmoney management, which one who
(10:29):
handles the money, who's thespender and who's a saver, or
both of y'all spending your lifeaway.
You know.
You know who wants a house, howmany kids you want.
Speaker 2 (10:38):
You know, uh, yeah, right, what's absolute, you know
, like the absolute right.
Yeah, absolute negotiable Right.
Speaker 3 (10:46):
If you found it in an area of infidelity, what's
going to happen?
How will you respond to it?
Is that the end all?
Is that one of yournon-negotiables?
Understanding what marriageconsists of?
And just allowing couples, whenthey do come to us, to begin to
(11:08):
navigate those kinds ofquestions, and then having
homework to ponder and exercisesto see where they are in a
relationship and how how much doyou really know your mate?
Speaker 2 (11:23):
Right.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
Yeah.
So you know I'm listening and Ione of the things and I've said
it on the show many, many timesmoney issues break up more
couples than infidelity.
So it's very interesting thatyou brought up both of those
things, cause you're like notneck and neck, but they're, you
know, one behind the other andyou have those discussions right
.
So I'm one of those people whobelieves that straight talk
(11:45):
makes a straight understanding.
Especially before you getmarried, you want to know what
you're getting yourself into,and this decision, to me, is so
impactful.
The only thing that I feel ismore impactful, decision-wise,
is your decision to followChrist.
The second most impactfuldecision on your life is who you
marry, because that really isgoing to guide the course of
(12:06):
your life and you know, and yourdirection, what you do, what
you don't do, where you go, youknow how far you can take your
dreams and things like that.
So that's really interesting.
And what comes to mind for methen is do you?
Have you ever gotten into thesecounseling sessions and you're
like, oh, y'all should not bemarried?
Speaker 3 (12:22):
Oh yeah, oh yeah, we just had one.
Yeah, that wasn't good to thelast day.
Speaker 2 (12:38):
Okay, yeah, yeah I think that choice timing is
everything.
It's not so much always thatthey don't need to get married,
it's just that they don't needto get married now sometimes.
Yeah, that's good Becausethey're not mature enough and
(12:59):
ready for the gamuts of thingsthat come against marriage
spiritually.
So you know it's important, youknow to be honest with them and
tell them the requirements isnot the recommendation is not
you shouldn't get married, butmostly that y'all need more time
(13:20):
.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
Yeah, that's wisdom.
That's wisdom, I think, thatyou know, in Titus 2, it says
that the older women shouldteach the younger women you know
, how to be wives and mothers,how to keep their own homes and
and um be about their business.
Right, um, and also there is um.
I always say we don't date in avacuum.
(13:44):
There has to be somebody whoknows you and somebody who knows
you, so somebody who K?
N O W you-W you, who knows howyou tick and what ticks you off.
Right, and that would be cominginto counseling.
And then somebody who can sayno to you like no, this is not
the time, no, this is not theperson, no, this is not the
place.
Right, because it's to save usfrom disaster.
(14:06):
Yeah, you know why not spendthat extra six months worth of
counseling on the front end sowe're not doing, six years later
, a divorce on the back end?
Ask me how I know Jesus saves.
I come in peace.
That's real talk.
That's real talk, right.
And I don't think that we havethat discussion enough in the
kingdom.
(14:27):
Like you know, if, if we'rebothians and we're equally yoked
, not so right, so it's notenough just to be, you know, we
both love jesus, oh, and we loveeach other, okay, but there's
some real, real stuff that weneed to talk, to talk about,
like, I don't want to see yourmother every weekend and eat her
chili on every sunday night.
I love your mother, I justdon't.
(14:49):
I that's not how I want to spendmy sunday night yeah, right
yeah um, so I think that thatwhat you're doing here is so
powerful because maybe, maybe wecan impact the divorce rate,
which, statistically, has beenjust as high in the church as it
has been outside of the churchwhich is very much so, yeah,
very much so, yeah, a lot ofthat has to do with expectations
(15:11):
.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
What do you think about expectations in marriage?
Yeah, I think a lot ofexpectations are false and yeah,
it is the way picket fence.
Right, huh, the way, the whiteyeah, the white picket fence,
but I think that it's onlybecause the truth hasn't been
presented to them.
Yes, and I think that you can.
You can dream dreams and wantcertain things, but real life
(15:38):
and experience.
We talked about this.
we talked about time equityright, like putting that time in
with people who have beenmarried and saying you know,
asking the right questions andsaying you know, this is how I
see it and be being flexible,because marriage is all about
flexibility.
Yeah, marriage is all aboutflexibility and so you know, you
(16:03):
, you have to really allowyourself to become.
I say that marriage is not Icome in here and you're going to
form to what I want.
Marriage is we come togetherand we're going to form
something new.
Right.
God called us to be, so there'sgoing to be some tests and
trials and some things, but wedo believe in giving your
(16:25):
negotiables and non-negotiables.
I think that you should havethat from the door, like certain
things that you can say hewants 17 kids and I don't want
any, we don't have a problem.
And I don't think you should getmarried, you know what I'm
saying, and you need to behonest with each other.
There should be somenegotiables, or, if you can't
handle that, we need to getmarried.
(16:46):
Something as simple as that.
We believe we're going tochange people.
Yeah, no, don't, don't havethese grand um expectations of
you know, especially us women.
Right?
We believe that I can changehim I can.
Speaker 1 (17:02):
We have enough problems trying to change
ourselves.
Speaker 2 (17:04):
Come on oh listen, our hormones go and change up on
us so we, like this today, saythat come on.
So I think the expectations wedeal with a lot in marriage
counseling to help you figureout what's rational, what's
reasonable and what's not yeah,I think that's necessary.
Speaker 3 (17:25):
Uh, and I think that's what the whole basis of
the marriage counseling consistsof is to have them be forced to
dialogue about their desires,their wants, their likes, their
dislikes, and begin to have aconversation of what that looks
like.
(17:45):
I don't like it.
When you did this in front ofyour mother-in-law you embarrass
me Having those kind ofconversations so that they're
understanding about you know howwe should function in the
public and in private.
Come on, you know, and it'sjust those areas that I think is
necessary, because theexpectation he may just feel
(18:06):
like, okay, I'm just joking, butshe may not feel that way, and
then we tap into someinsecurities in her that draws
the relationship apart thanjoining it together.
So just having those realisticexpectations of who you are and
when we are joking, that we bothcome into an agreement of what
(18:28):
the boundaries of those areasare you know what are the
boundaries, and I think that'swhat expectations help us.
It helps us, with boundaries,understanding what is realistic
boundaries, safe boundaries,healthy boundaries for us to
begin to build this newrelationship that we find
ourselves in.
Speaker 1 (18:48):
So good.
Oh my gosh, this is so good.
I really think that if a lot ofpeople took the time to really
do this and were open and honest, we would have different
outcomes.
Right?
One of the things we do inPosition for Love, which is my
program for single sisters whowant to stop embracing their
singleness and get married.
What are your expectations?
(19:11):
Right?
And I call it the Cinderellastory.
What's your Cinderella story?
Tell me what your Cinderellastory is, because I could tell
you what mine is.
Can I tell you what myCinderella story was?
Yeah, come on.
Because I don't know if y'allknow, y'all don't know what my
Cinderella story is.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
You don't know what my Cinderella story is.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
You don't know how to keep a little something to keep
our relationship exciting.
I cannot.
So you know I'm a good churchgirl at heart, right?
So you know my, my Cinderellastory got to be holy, yeah,
holiness over here.
Okay, so my Cinderella story isI'm going to be at church one
day, cause of course the onlything I was doing was church,
home and the kids and work,right and, and occasional
(19:48):
shopping.
So you know it had to involvethe church.
So I was going to be at churchone Sunday and you know I always
sit in the same little seat andI was going to come and there
was going to be somebody, likeyou know, a seat next to me and
it was going to be.
One of the families was having afamily reunion.
You know how all the cousinscome, right, they're going to
come to Big Mama's church forthe family reunion, to big
(20:09):
mama's church for the familyreunion.
So they were all coming andthis tall, dark, handsome, rich,
well-spoken man was going tocome and say, is this seat taken
?
And he was going to sit hereand the aunties were going to be
in the back going.
That's the Lord putting thattogether.
(20:29):
That's what.
That's the Lord.
That ain't nothing but Jesusright there.
Now there's 300 other seatsRight, but that's Jesus right
there and he was going to sitdown and one thing was going to
lead to another and then we weregoing to have coffee.
But of course we're going tohave coffee at the reunion
because, you know, we don't.
We don't want to be alonetogether and give the appearance
of evil.
That's part of my Cinderellastory story.
(20:51):
Lord, have mercy on the churchtoday.
And for those who know and Iknow y'all know my meeting, my
husband didn't look anythinglike that when I say it couldn't
have been further down thespectrum, if, if we said this is
the spectrum and this is oneend and this is the other end,
it couldn couldn't have beenfurther away.
And uh, you know cause?
I met my husband online.
(21:13):
We, we met and married in eightmonths and it was.
It was just totally differentthan my son.
It didn't hit any of my littleCinderella points and I had to
tell him.
I was like you know, this didnot pan out the way my fantasy
said it should.
And he just looks at me, helaughs, he walks away.
But this was not my fantasy.
You were supposed to come inand you know where are the
(21:35):
aunties?
Where?
are the aunties that weresupposed to be like.
That's Jesus.
Where are they Right?
But sometimes we get so caughtup in that that we miss the
moment.
And let me tell you, can I behonest with y'all, miss the
moment.
And let me tell you, can I behonest with y'all, my spiritual
mother, who you know, who I lovedearly, who has spoken into my
life just as long as y'all havebeen in my life she said to me I
(22:00):
remember when I met my husbandand she was the one who pulled
me out of fantasy land and Imight have missed a good husband
, I might have missed thismarriage, if she had not known
me.
You know how I say you have toK-N-O-W somebody and she was
like not so fast, let's seewhere this goes, because the one
thing I was was submitted right, if you see a change in me
(22:21):
while I'm dating him, I need youto tell me that, if I'm telling
you some of the things he'ssaying, because whatever he said
to me, I told her.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
Okay, I'm like I'm letting you know right now,
she's going to know all yourbusiness, all of it,
accountability, okay.
Speaker 1 (22:37):
And I had to do that and even though I was 48 years
old at the time, I was mentoringyoung women, right.
So all I was ministering towomen.
I had four ministries at thechurch I oversaw.
So I wanted to be asaccountable as I asked them to
be, even though at 48, peoplewould say you grown, grown, I'm
grown, grown, grown, grown rightAt 48 years old.
(22:57):
But I wanted to be submitted.
I also.
I know that the last time Imade a choice about a marriage
it didn't turn out the way Iwanted and again, we didn't have
that kind of counseling.
We didn't have the practicalthings that you were talking
about.
We just thought those thingswould work themselves out.
They did not.
They worked themselves out indivorce court.
So when we finally startedhaving real communication about
(23:20):
practical stuff, we were indivorce court.
Okay, that's a whole anothershow Y'all, I'll have to do that
show.
But with this one this wasdifferent, because before we, my
spiritual mother said to mecan't y'all just go to a movie
or something?
Because we were so busy havingthose kind of conversations,
right, Like, what are yournon-negotiables and you can't?
(23:42):
Ladies, you cannot have 36,000things on your non-negotiable.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
Come on, come on.
Speaker 1 (23:48):
There's a there's a big difference and let's stop
watching these movies.
And I'm not going to name namesor networks, I'm just going to
say let's stop watching thesemovies where the man has to
always climb Rapunzel's wall.
You got to be mean and bitterand he's got to get past all
(24:10):
that because of your pain andhe's got to help you past your
pain.
Stop, stop, stop.
That's part of the cinderellafantasy.
We're not going to do thatright and give this man all of
this extra work that he didn'tcreate.
Oh, I'm, I'm gonna get into mypreach, so I'm gonna walk away
from that somebody needed tohear that right yeah
(24:31):
you need to work all that out.
But we were having thesepractical conversations about um
.
At that time I was caretakingmy mom.
Like what does that mean for us?
Where would we live?
Because that I don't.
I'm the only one who'scaretaking, right, so I have all
of her affairs I have to handle.
I can only.
I only want to be so far away.
What about my, my children,even though they were of adult
(24:55):
age?
But what does that mean to you?
Right, and you know verypractical things like the kind
of work that I do, the kind ofwork that he did.
There was an aspect of my work.
He's like I don't know if Icould handle that, because I
really don't know, because itwas something that would put me
into very special situationswith people who may not like
that I was there, right.
(25:17):
So he was like I don't know.
So I was like, okay, all thishas to be discussed and what
does this mean for us and whatwould you need to make you feel
that I was safe and all thosekinds of things, right?
See, that's not sexy right,that's not sexy, but let's fast
forward, right?
So now we're in the marriage.
It wasn't sexy beforehand, butnow it'll save your sex life
(25:42):
because you won't have all theselittle hidden agendas that are
keeping you from wanting to beintimate with each other.
Because you had theconversations right, I'm
honestly free to be me, becauseyou already know what makes me
tick.
You already know who I am.
We had these discussions and Iwant to say, even with that, you
still to your point, pastorRuth, over there, you still
(26:05):
don't have to be flexible, right, because what and what worked
for you year one?
I can tell you.
Right now we're in year eight.
There's some things we had togo back and go.
That's not working.
No more, that is not.
We had to go back and go.
That's not working.
No more, that is not.
We had to revisit.
Times change, people change, ourneeds change.
Our stage of life has changed.
My husband's looking atretirement Glory, be to God,
(26:27):
hallelujah.
I know my brother over therebeat us to it over there.
Retired and living life, thatchanges.
You know, you kind of havethose perceptions.
Yeah, oh, hallelujah.
I feel so much better since Igot that off my chest.
That's oh, kim, y'all.
(26:48):
This is the way we talk whenwe're, when we're together, we
really do.
We preach at each other, weprophesy, we laugh till we cry,
we cry right and stuff, but inthe end I love these people,
like macaroni loves cheese.
We love you.
Come on, I'm so glad, I'm soglad.
So I, I know that you knowthere are so many things now
(27:11):
that are going on with marriage,um, in and out of the kingdom.
There are so many things thatare going on in the world.
What kind of insights or advicecould you give to the single
sisters who are looking to getmarried, who may be in a serious
relationship right now, maybewaiting for that ring, or may
just have gotten the ring?
(27:31):
We get the ring and then, allof a sudden, you know what we
want to do.
Right, we get the bridemagazines.
We get our board out, ourPinterest, we get started.
We get the bride magazines.
We get out that.
We get our board out thatPinterest, we get started.
We want to craft theinvitations and we want to look
at the what do you call thosethings?
A flower arrangements and allthat, and that's fun, and we
should do that and enjoy that,right, yeah, what kind of
(27:51):
practical information can youshare, or tips with our single
sisters that will save theirmarriages before they even start
?
Speaker 2 (28:02):
wow, you want me to go, for I think you should go
first, because I got a lotyou'll never get in, but go
ahead, you go first wow, um, Ithink the first thing that they
need to they need to know istheir identity.
Speaker 3 (28:18):
I think they need to know who they are and what, uh,
you know what God is doing intheir lives and and begin to
heal some of those areas, uh,within their own personal walk.
That is so necessary, um, forthem to um to navigate, them to
(28:39):
navigate before they getintertwined with their mate, and
I think oftentimes, that whatthey don't realize is that
marriage is not about findingthe right person, but it's about
having the right person, thatyou're building together, that
unity and that bond in order togrow.
(29:02):
Oftentimes, when you hearsomeone that I'm looking for the
right person, it almost seemsas if they are looking for the
right person, but they are outof sync or they are not giving
their half in order tocontribute to become one.
The Bible said the two shallbecome one and it's necessary
(29:24):
for them to unite together andbuild together in order for them
to experience the wholenessthat they're going to experience
, unlike when they were single.
So that just navigating whatthat looks like and being open
to both changing andtransforming together in the
(29:46):
image and likeness of God, butalso in the responsibility and
in the commitment that you bothchose to be together in order to
build, is necessary for them toto unite on that level as well.
Speaker 1 (30:02):
Yeah definitely.
And.
Speaker 2 (30:05):
I would say preparation, like what he's
talking about, in yourself.
This is scripture.
I was just looking at Proverbs24,.
27 says prepare your workoutside and get your fields
ready.
27 says prepare your workoutside and get your fields
ready, then build your house andyou begin to sow into yourself.
(30:28):
That's what that scripturehelps me understand.
When I first got married I wasyoung.
I didn't have an opportunity.
No one ever told me you know,like you need to know who you
are before you say I do.
And I think that caused a lotof conflict because I was
waiting for him to tell me who Iwas or someone to affirm me
when I needed to know who I was.
And I think that if you prepareyour heart as a woman for
(30:50):
marriage, I think the greatestproblem statistics say there's
over especially Christian women.
70 percent of married womencontemplate divorce because of
their perception of what theirposition is.
They really don't understandwho they are as a helpmate and
what is expected of them.
So their expectations, likewhat you said, kim, are very
(31:12):
grandeur and big and they don'treally understand our role as a
helpmate to help build up theman.
So it's not to be their mamaokay, it's not to tell them what
to do and how to do it.
But if you know who you are andbegin to prepare yourself to be
a wife that's full of favor,full of of the favor of the Lord
(31:38):
, you understand who you go to.
You go to the king of kings andhe'll speak to the king of your
household.
And so a lot of it comes fromnot understanding.
You know, the Bible says a wisewoman builds up her house with
her words.
And so sometimes we tear downour house, not realizing we're
(32:00):
doing it bit by bit, little bylittle.
You don't realize you're takingout a center block on the side
because of your frustration andyour lack of contentment with
what you see.
And part of it is because youreally just don't know who you
are, how you are to speak to theking in the man, and so, and he
becomes as you begin to speak,but you in the man, and so, and
he becomes as you begin to speak.
But you can't do that if no oneever really spoke up in you.
(32:25):
Yeah, so I think that, yeah, andso submission, understanding,
that's my wisdom for the women,asking God to show you what that
really looks like and who youare as a helpmate, and how to
build up your husband, how tobuild up your house, even though
you see it looking like, listen, we about to go down and he
(32:47):
can't even do nothing.
He don't see nothing butlearning how to build that up.
And when you learn how to dothis before you get married, you
put this into practice, youcultivate the ground, it'll
become easier.
I'm not going to say it's goingto be easy, but it will become
easier to do it and you'll findyourself staying married.
(33:08):
You'll find yourself, you know,um, choosing.
Well, let's say that firstright, cause you got to choose
well, well first, and so youhave to have a standard.
You're, you're a king of, you'rea daughter of the king, and he
will tell you exactly whereyou're supposed to be, what
you're supposed to do, whoyou're supposed to be with
instead of your desires,speaking to you, telling you
(33:29):
what you want, what it'ssupposed to feel like, how it's
supposed to sound, you know, butI think that the world in we
have a false narrative of whatmarriage is.
Speaker 3 (33:40):
You know, and if we look back, this is history of
what that consists of.
You know, when we, when, whengirls were little girls, they
used to play with dollhouses,and then they had Ken and they
had Barbie and they used to justhave a house together and
everything was just solovey-dovey and, like I said,
just a false expectation of whatthat consists of when it comes
(34:03):
down to coming into a realistic,real-life marriage and coveted
with one another and just havingthat.
You know, I never heard whereBarbie and Ken ever had an
argument they don't talk I know,I know, but when you, when you,
when you, when you're playingwith barbie and ken, it's always
(34:26):
a positive, happy.
You know we're going into thehouse together, we're playing
together with the dream houseright and the dream conversation
and everything is solovey-dovey that there is no,
there was no debate, there wasno confrontation, there was this
there's, no, there's no in-laws.
(34:47):
Wait a minute come on, come onall of these things, that.
And so we come into realitydealing with relationships,
going to junior high school inhigh school and dealing with
immature males and immaturerelationships and really don't
know how to navigate what thatis.
(35:07):
And then we begin to compromise.
We begin to compromise ourvalues and our standards,
because that's all we see in amale, in a man, and I think it's
important to glean on thewisdom of those that have
relationships, that healthyrelationship that are married,
(35:30):
and begin to glean on thatwisdom.
And that's why premaritalcounseling is so important,
because it helps to break downthose myths and really allow the
couples to have a fightingchance.
Come on, a fighting chance withmarriage.
Speaker 1 (35:45):
Yeah, so good.
Oh my gosh, you know y'all arecoming back, right, we have to.
You know y'all got to come back.
We want to catch on yeah.
Oh my gosh, Because this is likejust the beginning.
I think to me this was theintro Right, we want to save
marriages before they start.
Oh my gosh, this is so good,all right.
So here's some other stuff thatpeople need to know about y'all
(36:07):
.
So they're back here with allthese kids, like nine children,
10 grand, still looking good,still loving each other.
They've had the church almostnine years, right, and you have
now Ignite Our Fire.
You also have between the twoof you at least four businesses
that I count.
I know there's more.
I know there's more, and myfriend Ruth over here has
(36:32):
written several books, but mybrother wrote a book.
Y'all came out with your books.
I thought that was so cool.
I thought that was so cool.
I am going to drop in the showdescription the link for you to
check out their books.
You need to hear what they haveto say because after 25 years,
nine kids, 10 grandchildrenrunning the church, running the
(36:52):
businesses, caretaking elderlyrelatives and all the other
stuff that comes in betweenthey're still together, they're
still in love and, witheverything I've walked through
with y'all, I have never onceheard either one of you mention
divorce.
Never, never, never, never,never, never.
Speaker 3 (37:11):
We mentioned it before we got married and the
conversation went something likethis I don't believe in divorce
.
She said me too.
So we knew that that was anon-negotiable for us.
We may separate, we may argueand listen.
Are we not here to paint apicture that our marriage is
(37:34):
this, that Barbie and Ken kindof marriage?
But we understood how tonavigate some of the storms that
we had to deal with when itcame down to our marriage.
And really knowing that it takeseffort and it's going to take
work and it's going to takecompromising and it's going to
(37:54):
take forgiveness, it's going totake all of that and, most
importantly, it's going to takeGod.
We're going to need God to bein that equation in marriage.
(38:24):
Because when I can't, tonavigate another conversation
about reconciliation and healingand knowing how to go forth in
our marriage, and I think that'swhat we've learned along the
way, we've learned that alongthe way.
So, and if people are justwilling to you know, to to
sacrifice their own feelings andemotions, I think they'll be
able to understand that they canmake it work with God.
Speaker 1 (38:46):
Right and being honest.
Speaker 2 (38:49):
And being honest, I think that, like what he said,
the non-negotiables like thatwas a non-negotiable for us.
Yeah, if we're going to say Ido, it's going to be forever Cut
off leg.
Speaker 3 (39:04):
You know what I mean, those conversations take the
wheel.
Speaker 2 (39:10):
You know, whatever, you know we're not going to get
a divorce.
So we don't even play with theword, we don't even mention the
word.
You can still have disagree.
It's okay to have conflict.
It's okay to have conflict, andwe learned that.
You know communication andconflict are going to work
(39:30):
together, but resolve is what weneed to have and that's what we
pray to the Lord for forresolve.
Speaker 1 (39:37):
And he's giving it to you and we love you for it.
I love y'all, we love you too,we love you too, you should.
Speaker 3 (39:44):
You really should.
You ain't going nowhere, shoot.
Speaker 1 (39:47):
Child, please.
You know I know when my bread'sbuttered honey, it's all good,
it's all good.
Y'all are definitely going tocome back and I can't wait to
have you back.
I'm going to have my brotherback to talk about some of the
things we need to know as womenabout our husbands.
Speaker 2 (40:01):
Yeah, he's going to tell us some secrets?
Speaker 1 (40:04):
I don't know.
Give me my brother's phone.
Speaker 2 (40:10):
We're going to get some of those secrets told, we
know how to act once we do getmarried?
Speaker 1 (40:14):
Hello, and can we talk about intimacy?
Please Listen now.
I have this thing on my show,because I don't know if y'all
been listening to all myepisodes, but I have this thing
on my show where I tell peoplethis is one of those headphone
episodes.
Speaker 3 (40:28):
Yeah, people don't really know.
I really married Dr Ruth.
Speaker 1 (40:35):
Listen, I said that to her I'm not going to pass
away but I really have thenumber one, dr Ruth, in the
world.
I'm telling you you got to talkabout this.
This conversation need to betalked about.
I think it's necessary in thekingdom it is necessary and
we're going to have some grownfolk conversation.
It's going to be definitely aheadphone conversation, unless
you want your babies to get anew education, cause we're going
(40:57):
to go in there.
Y'all know I don't have aproblem talking about this stuff
.
I think that that's one of thereasons we keep getting tripped
up about it, because we don'ttell the truth and we're not
having these kinds ofconversations that we should be
having.
Right, I can't wait for thenext episode when y'all come on,
because this has been thebombcom.
Listen, y'all have just filledme up for my whole week I'm not
(41:22):
even going to say for thisepisode or for this day, for my
whole week, and I am so blessedto have you not as guests but as
part of my life and forallowing me to share you with
the people.
I want to just bless you as yougo for all that you have poured
out and the virtue that you allhave poured out, and I'm
looking forward to having you onagain.
Speaker 2 (41:44):
We can't wait.
Yeah, I love this.
Speaker 1 (41:47):
I'm so glad.
All right, y'all.
I'm going to put their contactinfo, along with the links to
their books, in the show notesand until next time, be
wonderfully blessed.
Bye now, bye-bye.
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