December 13, 2023 • 60 mins
Can the holiday season be less stressful and more fulfilling? Well, join us, your hosts Tish and Ellen, along with our guests, psychotherapist and life coach Lois Spence and nutrition coach Ashley Muse, as we tackle this question head-on! We bring to you a profound conversation dedicated to the midlife women amongst us, where we attempt to pivot traditional holiday traditions in favor of our own well-being. Expect to discover the art of setting personal boundaries and finding your authentic voice amidst the holiday chaos.
Ever felt the weight of the world on your shoulders as you try to pleasing everyone during the holidays? Well, you're not alone. We share our personal experiences and strategies for managing stress, setting boundaries, and prioritizing self-care during the festive season. We also delve into the often ignored topic of loneliness during the holiday season, and how to find joy in new experiences - be it volunteering or trying new hobbies.
But the holidays aren't all stress and despair. They're also about the joy of gift-giving and the thrill of new experiences. We'll help you navigate the expectations that come with gift-giving and even offer some unique ideas for thoughtful, budget-friendly gifts. And because we all know the holidays are a time for indulgence, we've roped in Ashley Muse to guide you in maintaining balance in your blood sugar for overall health throughout the season.
So, whether you're tuning in from Melbourne, Australia, Reno, Nevada, or New Britain, Connecticut, we appreciate you and encourage you to share our podcast with your tribe - the more, the merrier!
Website: www.thepositivelymidlifepodcast.com
Email: postivelymidlifepod@gmail.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Hey Tish, do you ever feel like you've held the
holidays together for yourentire family, that you alone
are personally responsible foreveryone's happiness in your
family?
Speaker 2 (00:14):
Oh, yes, I mean, ellen, the holidays.
I know it's this time of joyand love and fun and, let's face
it, it also brings with it alot of stress, because it's been
our responsibility to makeeverybody happy.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
It's true, sometimes I feel like I'm just getting
through the holidays.
So, you know, for far too long,women across the world, across
the board, have carried theweight of the holidays on their
shoulders, and I think it goesback to our mothers and
grandmothers Tish, I can see,maybe even before that, but I
know, pat and Sue, they weredoing everything when we were
(00:54):
young, but now, as we embracemidlife, I think it's time for
transformation, some changes youknow I love the word pivoting
and reframing how we spend theholidays and really how we treat
ourselves during the holidays.
It's time, I'm going to say,put the stake in the ground to
make the holidays fulfilling forus midlife ladies.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
We're talking about reframing again and it's been
like a theme of this whole 2023,right, but reframing the
holidays, I agree.
You know, I really startedlooking at some of the
traditions that I've had thatjust don't work for me any
longer, and I'm trying torediscover what does work for me
(01:38):
now.
Right, there's a lot of lettinggo in this process for me, and
so this is such a timelydiscussion for us right now at
the holidays, right, ellen?
So we have brought along twoamazing guests to join us today
to talk about making theholidays work for us at midlife.
Speaker 1 (02:02):
Well, I am so excited to have Lois and Ashley join us
today because, just like youand a lot of our listeners, I am
in the midst of redefining someholiday things too, with my
family and negotiating, and Ican definitely use some help
here.
But before we meet our guestsfor the episode, you know I love
this part of the show.
(02:23):
Tish, what do you got for me?
What's your obsession?
Speaker 2 (02:27):
I've got a cute little thing.
So you know I'm so much moreabout more than just a gift like
that.
The gift is an event type thing.
So I have something reallysilly.
Who doesn't like to roastmarshmallows and make s'mores?
So my obsession this week isthis tiny little tabletop so you
(02:50):
can roast your marshmallows onit.
Little flame thing going on,you know, with the little gels
and things.
But it's so cute to make atabletop s'more thing.
So just think about having yourgirlfriends over or having you
know family and then just goingaround there and there's just
something about that that just Idon't know who doesn't love it.
(03:11):
So that's my obsession.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
I think I'm going to buy one of those.
I can, in California, use iteven outdoors for part of the
year as well.
But who doesn't love s'more?
Speaker 2 (03:25):
So what about you, Ellen?
What is your obsession for thisweek?
Speaker 1 (03:29):
Well, you know, our obsessions rarely collide and I
think this is funny becausethese are our last obsessions of
2023.
And mine is from Oprah's List.
You know she has that listevery year of her special great
things and it's called thewonderful.
It's a cross-body water bottlebut it has room for your iPhone.
(03:50):
Even if you have a Pro Max likeme, that's like practically
like having a tablet and yourkeys and some other things.
I have a water bottle holder butit doesn't have room for any of
those things and I've alwaysbeen like somebody should design
.
Of course somebody shoulddesign one of these that holds a
great water bottle like a hydroflask, and has room for other
(04:12):
things in it.
And it is so cute.
It's deep purple and I willshare it with you guys.
But if you're out hiking andyou really wish you had your
phone or your keys or somethingelse with you, your passport.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
I love that because I think sometimes we go too big
with the backpack, we go toosmall with you know, you know so
.
So this sounds like a goodcompromise, just to take the
essentials along with you.
So I like that.
I'm going to definitely checkthat one out.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
Can I just say before we move on I think it can hold
a bottle of wine too.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
So it might be good Whatever bottle you kind of need
for that kind of day, right, isthat kind?
Speaker 1 (04:52):
of day.
That's right.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
I love it.
Well, it is time for us to meetour two guests this week, and
we have Lois Spence back with uson the podcast.
We've had her before and Loisis a psychotherapist and life
coach who is so passionate aboutempowering her clients to find
their authentic voice, createboundaries to protect their
(05:18):
peace.
And we also have Ashley Muse,who is a nutrition coach,
focusing on helping people feelbetter and live healthier lives.
So welcome back to the podcast,lois.
We're going to end.
Welcome to the podcast, ashley,and we want each of you to
share with our listenerssomething about yourself, your
(05:41):
background, and I want to jumpoff with Lois first.
So, lois, remind our listenersa little bit about yourself.
Speaker 3 (05:50):
So it's awesome to be back.
Thank you so much for invitingme, and especially around this
topic.
So I am a therapist in Issaacau, Washington, so just outside of
Seattle.
It's called Spence CounselingAlliance and this time of year
is rife with people juststressed about being with family
(06:12):
, concerned about boundaries,overworked.
You know lots of traditions touphold, Like you said, women
holding up the traditions of thefamily.
So a lot of my practice thepast few months has been around
this topic and honestlypreparing a lot of people to get
(06:32):
through the holidays with somelevel of grace and intact.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
I love that and I think you know we're going to go
into it more.
But you do have a lot ofInstagrams out there that talk
about these topics of like,pre-planning this stuff, and I
can't wait to get to those.
But before we do, I want totalk to Ashley.
Ashley, tell us a little bitabout yourself.
Speaker 4 (07:02):
Yes, so thank you so much for having me.
I'm so excited.
Like you mentioned, I am anintegrative nutrition health
coach.
I am also based in Seattle area, but I work virtually, so I get
to work with people all overthe world, which is great,
having, interestingly enough, alot of East coasters, so,
(07:24):
calculating the time change mysession.
But in my practice I reallywork with women, mainly to work
on improving their relationshipwith food, improving their
nutrition and eating habits.
We work to balance hormones, tobalance out gut health.
We work on stress management,sleep.
(07:45):
So it's really a holisticapproach to health and really to
just taking control back, youknow, back over their health and
prioritizing themselves,because, as we know, with women
and moms it's so common to puttheir own needs and health on
the back burner.
So it's really about takingthat control back and finding
that confidence and just feelingreally great in their bodies
(08:07):
again.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
Oh, I love that.
I love that.
I think you know, the more welearn about that and the more we
hear about it.
Hopefully, it empowers more andmore women.
Speaker 1 (08:19):
Yeah, I agree so wholeheartedly.
And, ashley, we are reallylooking forward to digging in
with you, because so many thingsaround the holidays really
revolve around nutrition andfood and self care and, I think,
stress management, and I reallyam interested in this holistic
(08:40):
approach.
But let's jump right into theholidays first, here with this
idea of people pleasers that wewomen are just many, many times
people pleasers.
I consider myself a recoveringpeople pleaser, right, and we
have all set up this dynamicthat may not be working for us
(09:03):
anymore at midlife.
You know, can you share alittle bit more about this, lois
?
I know we've talked about thispart before.
Speaker 3 (09:12):
Yeah, people pleasing .
I mean it's, it's chronic withwomen and I it's not just with
women, because I also work withhigh school girls, college girls
and this is even with theyounger generation.
There's a little bit more focusaround changing that with the
younger generation, but we aswomen are socialized to make
(09:34):
sure people feel good, to benurturers, and at the expense of
our own health, really our ownmental health.
So this really comes up duringthis time of year where there's
so much extra that needs to bedone in order to hold up the
holidays for our families, andthere have been so many studies
(09:58):
done around men and women to,you know, to income, to busy
working, you know jobs withfamilies, that the women still
do 75% of the household tasks.
So there's, you know, there'squite a disparity, and that
(10:19):
shows up in the holidays too.
So I am encountering in mypractice women who are people
pleasers, who are recoveringpeople pleasers, and I
appreciate you saying thatbecause I think a lot of us,
most of us, especially our age,are still working on healing
ourselves from being peoplepleasers.
(10:40):
So this is where it reallyshows up this time of year and
this is where I encourage womento really look at their you know
output in managing the holidaysand creating something special
for everybody else exceptthemselves.
I mean a lot of women kind ofdread the holidays.
Yeah, there's so much extra.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
I agree, and one thing I've learned in this later
part this midlife is it's okayto say no.
I think a lot of people, whenyou're invited to something,
your first impulse is to be like, yes, what can I bring, and
what can I bring right?
Not just that I'm coming, butlet me do something as well.
(11:25):
And do you have any strategiesaround saying no, Lois, the
holidays.
Speaker 3 (11:33):
Just say no.
And that's the thing.
Like it's so easy for me to sitin my chair working with
clients telling them well, allyou have to do is this you just
have to set the boundary, youhave to say no.
But here's the problem Ourfamily's society is really still
not quite used to us settingthese firm boundaries, so we do
(11:56):
at times have to be a littlemore where I say gentle around,
setting boundaries where peopleare not taking offense, which is
it's a shame that it kind ofhas to be like that.
But I think boundaries for usaround the holidays are a work
in progress and I know with you,titian Ellen, you guys are the
(12:17):
same stage of life as me, whereour kids are older, so we really
can look at these traditionsand say what works for us, what
doesn't work for us.
I mean, ellen has a lot ofsilver tree and that seems to be
working well.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
It's working well for me.
Maybe not as well for my kids,but you know, as I said, I can
take it, I can put it up, I cantake it down and I love it.
It's so kitschy and, you know,it just makes me happy.
I'm sitting here right now aswe're recording, looking at this
tiny silver tinsel tree, justwith joy.
(12:58):
It's bringing me joy.
But I know that this is a lotat the expense of our mental
health, and Ashley wanted tobring you in here to talk a
little bit about how this canimpact physical health during
the holidays.
Speaker 4 (13:13):
For sure.
Yeah, and speaking of stress,you know I think stress really
picks up during the holidays andyou know, trying to please
everybody, people, pleaseeverybody Christmas shopping,
decorating, traveling, all ofthe things so stress really high
ends, which causes so manynegative, such negative impact
(13:35):
on our bodies.
It can really impact ourhormones negatively.
It can impact our gut healthnegatively, it impacts our sleep
.
So really managing stress isimportant.
When people think of stress, weusually obviously connect it to
the mental health, but justknowing how much it impacts us
physically is really important.
To have that awareness and Ireally am a big believer in
(13:58):
having a why behind you knowyour goals and why you're
creating healthy habits.
And I think if you understandthat that stress that's dialing
up during the holidays is notonly impacting you mentally but
it's impacting you physically,then that might encourage
somebody to prioritize more.
You know stress managementtechniques and so on.
(14:21):
So and I have plenty of thoseto talk about too If you want
those, now or later, but it'sWell, give us your best to
stress management things.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
What if somebody is like I am just absolutely at my
wit's end, stressed out too muchon my plate?
What are your top two thingsthat you're going to tell them
to do?
Speaker 4 (14:43):
So I would say top two.
That's a great question.
Top two number one would be andthis seems like it wouldn't be
doing too much for you butgetting outside, getting into
nature, into fresh air.
People underestimate this one,but it is so beneficial for your
health, for your mental health,for your physical health, even
(15:05):
if it's just a five or 10 minutewalk around the block, around
your neighborhood.
That fresh air is going toboost your endorphins, it's
going to help balance bloodsugar, it's going to help reduce
stress and I've never metanyone who did not go outside
and come back in and not feelbetter, especially these days
more people working from home oryou know, depending on what
(15:27):
your situation is.
We just need to get more outinto nature and get that fresh
air, and that kind of goes handin hand with number two, but
getting movement in.
So you know I understand peopledon't have a lot of time during
the holidays to get to the gymfor a one hour workout, and you
do not need to do a one hourworkout moving your body in any
(15:49):
kind of way you can.
There's so many free workoutson YouTube.
You can look up at 10 minutePilates, yoga, stretching,
strength training, workoutwhatever you find joy in doing,
just moving your body.
Again, that's going to getendorphins going, it's going to
release serotonin, which is yourhappy hormone and chemical.
It's going to do wonders foryour mindset, for your energy
(16:14):
and for your stress levels.
So, moving your body, gettingoutside, you can pair the two.
Go on a walk outside, you'vedone both, and your stress
levels will come down.
Speaker 2 (16:24):
So I love it.
I love it.
I know, I think this whole ideaof people pleasing one, you've
got to become aware what isdriving this.
And then then it's that youknow setting up for boundaries,
but so I think you know, kind of, on moving into another phase,
(16:47):
of what can make the holiday sodifficult for us.
Right, I think a lot of us aregoing to be facing dealing with
delicate family dynamics duringthe holidays, right, and I think
this is what I've so lovedabout watching your Instagram
post, lois that you talk aboutgetting prepared getting
(17:09):
prepared mentally, gettingprepared with the words you want
to use and so that you canrespond calmly, quietly, so
you're getting prepared forthose tough questions.
You know the aunt that says so.
Are you going to get marriedagain?
Are you going to stay aloneforever?
(17:30):
I mean those triggering thingsthat, like you know, why aren't
your kids doing more?
You know, but you know thesethings are coming because they
come every time the family getstogether, right?
So I loved your Instagram postwhere you get people prepared.
But can you share with us someof your tricks that can make
this less stressful and to makesure that we can handle this
(17:56):
better, these potentialminefields, right.
So what are some of your mainstrategies that you can share
with our listeners?
Speaker 3 (18:03):
So I actually have there about six strategies that
you know.
You can pick a few or pick allof them, but I think that the
very first one that we need toremember is these people are our
family, we know them well, weknow what to expect.
So when Aunt Judy comments onyour appearance, she did it last
(18:26):
year, she did it the yearbefore, she's going to do it
this year fully expected.
So that's a situation where you, you can prepare for that, but
you also there's a reframingthat can happen around those
questions.
You expect it.
Well, maybe we can laugh at it,laugh about the question,
(18:46):
because it's you know, it's tobe expected, right.
So it's being, it's beingrealistic about those
expectations.
You're not going to show up andall of a sudden have, you know,
a hallmark type holiday If youhaven't heard, or you're not
going to prepare.
So, preparing and understandingthat those dynamics are just,
(19:13):
they're there and that thatthat's okay, and you prepare a
response.
If you need to prepare aresponse again, it can be funny.
I heard somebody refer to humorthis time of year as oxygenated
grace.
So such a clever way to yesbecause we can.
(19:35):
I think we can handle thesedynamics that are complex so
much better if we can kind ofsee the humor in them.
So set real expectation,realistic expectations, use, use
humor, focus on gratitude.
I mean, there's all.
There's always something ineach of our family members that
we appreciate, so let's focus onthat.
You know all of these thingsabout living with gratitude.
(19:59):
The other thing is, as we goback to our families,
understanding that while ourfamilies define as, to a certain
degree, we also havedifferentiated ourselves by
stepping into our own lives andbuilding our own lives.
So, reminding ourselves of thatand trying not to fall back
(20:20):
into those expected dynamicsthat you might even play
yourself, that don't really workvery well, like childhood
dynamics that don't work well,planning ahead definitely
planning ahead come up withresponses to difficult questions
and then I think the finalthing is to really reflect what
(20:45):
went well, what didn't go well,what you know, what do I change?
Do I?
Do I spend less time there nexttime?
Do I still tell?
Do I need more breaks?
Do I need a more clear exitstrategy?
Do I need to pause more?
You know, I think, Ellen, youhad said or maybe it was Tash
(21:10):
Tish about being reactive, likewe get in this mode where we're
a kid again and we want to react.
But if we can pause, take aminute, we don't have to respond
right away and respond withmaybe some oxygenated grace.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
I love that.
I'm going to be using that allthe time, and I really do like
this idea of reflecting.
Sometimes in business, we dothis after something.
You know it's like a huddle ora postmortem or whatever, where
you can really really take thetime to walk through it.
My question here, though, iswhat if you do fall into this
(21:48):
expected dynamic and you don'tlike where it went, what do you
do to kind of forgive yourself?
It seems like there needs to besome forgiveness.
I know we said grace, but youknow sometimes it's grace for
other people, but what about?
It's really hard for me to givemyself that grace.
Speaker 3 (22:06):
And I think that's a really important thing that you
brought up and that also ties inwith people pleasing and not
giving ourselves enough graceand enough credit.
And I think what we're lookingfor here with the holidays we're
not looking for perfection.
We're not looking forperfection in the way we show up
.
We're not looking forperfection in the way our family
(22:29):
members show up.
Maybe progress, maybe if we cansee a little bit of progress in
the way we interact with ourfamilies, but also giving
ourselves grace.
You know, speaking to ourselvesthe way we would speak to our
friends.
We did the best we could withwhat we have at that moment.
It's okay.
Speaker 4 (22:52):
Can I add something in there too?
Yeah, so I have a client whowe've been working together for
a few years and she has lots ofchallenges around the holidays
with getting together withfamily very different views and
intensity and something that hasreally helped her is there's a
(23:12):
couple of things journalingbefore going into that event or
get together really helps herjust focus and she journals
around how she wants to feel and, like Lois mentioned, like
having some responses readybecause she knows what questions
are going to be asked.
She also takes some time tomeditate, which I really think
(23:32):
helps her just go into thatsituation with more of a calm
mind.
And then also you know we talkabout you decide how much you
want to share with your familymembers.
You know she was asking me like,or she was talking about oh,
I'm just nervous about whatthey're going to say, what
they're going to ask me about myhealth situation and how much
(23:55):
she has to tell them.
And it's like you choose howmuch you share with your family
members or who you're spendingthat time with and you don't
have to overshare and you're notexpected to, you know,
volunteer your whole entirehealth story or life story or
whatever that situation might befor you.
So you know, share with who youtrust and who you know is going
(24:15):
to respond with love.
But if you know people are notgoing to do that, you don't need
to share that information Ilove that.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
I think it really goes again back to that people
pleasing that if somebody asksyou a question you are obligated
to provide all the details andno, you're not.
And I like how you know youwere saying like prepare of, you
know what do you want to shareand what don't you want to share
, and giving yourself thepermission that healthy
(24:44):
permission to keep whatever youneed private private.
I love that.
I love that mental healthapproach to things that you know
that will probably come up.
Speaker 3 (24:56):
Yeah, and I think that ties in with safety.
You know, do you feel safe?
And you feel safe sharingsomething, that's great.
But if you get that feeling inyour chest, in your gut, you
know you get a physical, youhave a physical reaction.
And often that's our first signis you know, my chest is tight,
(25:19):
my stomach hurts, ooh.
And then stop telling you well,maybe this isn't the place to
share, that I'm getting divorced, maybe you know I hold on to
hold that a little close.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
Yeah, and the other thing you mentioned, ashley, was
about journaling.
We love the journaling thing,but to to, when you put it, your
words or your thoughts down onpaper, you're really sorting
them out.
And I like how you said youknow what do you picture this
event to be?
You know, what are you, what doyou want from it, and stuff
(25:51):
like that.
Yep, and maybe by by puttingthose words to it and not over
it, like wanting it to be sincegrand again, that Hallmark
moment or whatever.
And just little things like tofocus on those little joys.
You know I want to spend timewith the new baby and hear the
baby coo and, and you know,enjoy stuff.
(26:12):
But you know, aunt, you knowSue's recipe and maybe get her
to share it with the family and,yeah, little wins.
Speaker 1 (26:21):
I agree, little wins are big.
But you know, we know when wejournal tish, that we really can
kind of set the stage, paintthe picture.
And I like this idea, ashley,of this intention, like if
you're journaling and you'remeditating, to kind of, to kind
of bring that intention into theinteraction with your family,
(26:44):
right.
Speaker 4 (26:46):
You're just kind of priming your mindset and mental
space to go into that situationwhich is so helpful yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:55):
You know what I really want to talk about.
Next I want to talk about Ithink it's one of the biggest
traditions of the holidays,right, and this is probably gift
giving.
I know, right, talk aboutanxiety for me.
So I really want to talk aboutchanging up gifting right,
(27:16):
because I think for me it can beone of the most stressful
aspects, especially at midlife.
We're all about simplifying andfocusing on what really matters
and you know, I know Ellen andI have talked a lot about
focusing more on experiences orhandmade things as opposed to
(27:38):
just lots of boxes under thetree of stuff that they really
didn't need anyway, right, and Iwould like us to kind of unpack
some of this.
You know the emotional aspectsof it, you know just the whole
health around it.
I always stress, you know, do Ikeep a couple gifts in case
(27:59):
someone gifts me something and Iwasn't prepared and like, is
that insane?
You know?
Speaker 1 (28:07):
Okay, here's an insane thing too.
I'm just gonna throw it out.
I agree with a friend thatwe're not gonna give gifts for
gonna do something together andhave this experience, and then
they come with a littlesomething and I have nothing.
It's the worst.
Speaker 2 (28:24):
So, ashley, I want you to jump in on this one first
.
You know what are your clientstalking to you about, the
stresses regarding whether it'sexpense or what to get somebody.
You know again, I think it's alittle bit of people pleasing
again, but do you have yourclients talking to you about
this?
Speaker 4 (28:44):
Yeah.
So I was just gonna say it tiesright back in again to the
people pleasing and I love howyou mentioned kind of gifting
more around experiences, travel,more of just the thoughtful,
meaningful gifts.
And, ellen, when you say it'sso funny because that happens
all the time where it's like youmake an agreement or a pact to
(29:06):
not buy a gift and then theyshow up with a gift, I think I
know so many people that do thatand I've had clients share that
same story.
But in that situation it's likethat person thought of you or
wanted to bring that to you fora reason, not because they
expected something back, right,and we have to keep that in mind
like, okay, this person justwanted to do this for me.
(29:28):
They're not expecting a giftback and if they are, then maybe
they're not the best friend ormaybe they're better.
But in terms of gift giving, Ithink again, it really varies
from person to person.
I think that's stressful fordifferent reasons, but I think
(29:51):
changing the expectations thatyou have for yourself,
understanding that your familymembers, your loved ones, don't
love you because of the giftsthat you're buying them.
They love you because of whoyou are, the time, the quality
time that you're spending withthem.
And if you do have the budgetand can't afford to buy a gift,
(30:12):
as we were talking about earlier, the experiences, the
thoughtful gifts, the handmadegifts I love, like the idea of
Etsy.
You're supporting smallbusinesses, you're getting
something, maybe that'scustomized, with somebody's name
on it.
There's so many things likeunder $20 that you can find on
there that are thoughtful andcustom.
But in generalizing it, I thinkit's just about resetting those
(30:37):
expectations that you have andunderstanding that people are
not expecting you to buyeverything on their wish list.
And if you do have a kid who ismaking the entire slideshow and
presentation of what they wantfor Christmas because I know
that's happening out there maybehaving that conversation with
your kid, depending on what thecircumstances, are.
(30:57):
Like honey, we can't afford X,y and Z this year, but I'd love
to do this with you.
Or we're gonna bake cookies orcreate an experience that
doesn't have to cost a lot ofmoney.
Speaker 2 (31:09):
So different situations will call for
different things, but I likethat honest, open approach to it
, especially with really closefamily members to say, hey, this
is a situation, so let's findsome different things that we
can really enjoy and enjoy thatholiday.
Speaker 1 (31:29):
That's not about Gifts that they won't remember
what they got, even last year,realistic yeah, yeah I have to
say Tish and I have both beensingle moms at different points
in our lives.
I think I was really motivateda lot by that to make sure that
(31:50):
Christmas was just perfect.
I know we haven't said theperfect word here yet, I don't
think.
But, lois, I know that there'ssomething behind that too.
There can be a charge behindgift giving and really almost
feeling competitive with theother family of my children.
So I think I brought a lot intoit and it's been really tough
(32:13):
for me to pull back on the giftgiving with my adult children.
That's why I've gone toexperiences.
Speaker 3 (32:22):
Yeah, I think we do attach a lot of well, we can
attach a lot of meaning to thesize of the gift, the cost of
the gift and really reframingwhat gifting means to us.
And I do think conversationswith your family ahead of time,
setting expectations, picking aname for one person in your
(32:43):
family or putting a cap on howmuch you're going to spend, is
crucial.
I mean, it all really honestlycomes down to just open
communication.
Let's just talk and see whatworks well for everybody, and
being open to pivoting this iscompletely different, and that's
(33:03):
okay.
Speaker 2 (33:05):
Now two years ago, I kind of led the way with this
with my kids and I said I didn'twant them to buy me anything.
I said, but Christmas morning Ihad three of them here, not all
four.
I said Christmas morning I wantus to go and do something.
I have something planned and Ineed everyone just to go happily
along.
(33:26):
That is my gift, that is goingto be your gift to me.
And they, of course, they'relike yeah, yeah, that sounds
great Right, no price tag.
And come Christmas morningthey're like oh, I said,
remember right.
I know that yes there's no,there's no grumbling, there's no
, I don't want to go.
And we ended up going down intoCharlotte and they have those
(33:49):
motor scooters and Charlotte itlooked like an abandoned town.
There was nobody in downtownCharlotte.
We had the streets andsidewalks basically to ourselves
and we went around in ourscooters and I had the Christmas
lights on everyone's neck and,do you know, we just had the
(34:09):
best time and that is probablythe happiest memory from that
year and that was my gift andthat we went to do this and they
had a blast.
Once they got down there, therewas a few grumbles about going,
but when we got down there andI said, you know, this really is
what it is about.
Speaker 1 (34:30):
You know, this time together, the being silly, the,
you know, enjoying an experience, and I know, alan, you're big
for that family hike right, yes,yes, I mean I'm in California,
so lucky and people say to me Ican't believe your kids will do
the Thanksgiving morning andChristmas morning hikes.
But it really is such a greattradition and I love, ashley,
(34:52):
how you said just gettingoutside and being in nature.
You know, it really is a greatway to start the day on both of
those holidays and my kids it'slike you know, not even a
grumble.
I mean it can't be before 10 am, but it's not a grumble.
Speaker 2 (35:10):
Let's not get crazy there, right.
Speaker 1 (35:12):
Let's not get crazy.
All right, guys, let's moveinto kind of health and wellness
around the holidays and I'mgoing to throw food and drink in
here too.
Ashley, and I know that youknow, as I said earlier, for me
and I think for a lot of peoplereally trying to eat right, to
be healthy, to have that selfcare, can you share with us?
(35:35):
You know what's what's top ofmind with people you're talking
to.
Speaker 4 (35:39):
Yeah, great questions .
I'm just like where do we begin?
I could talk about this forever, but where I really like to
focus on with my clients, withmyself, with just everybody that
I share this information with,is really focusing on balancing
your blood sugar.
Balancing your blood sugar isso crucial for overall health
(36:02):
and especially hormone health.
So, you know, blood sugar, it'sgoing to affect your energy,
it's going to affect yourcravings, your quality of sleep,
your body composition, yourmood.
I mean, it just is crucial.
So we can really work onbalancing our blood sugar
through different lifestylestrategies, but also with what
(36:23):
we eat and what we put on ourplate and, as you all know,
during the holidays it's filledwith temptation sugar very
carb-heavy foods, more processedfoods, desserts, alcohol and so
on.
So that is a recipe for bloodsugar roller coaster blood sugar
spikes and crashes.
You're not going to be feelinggood at all.
(36:43):
So a couple of ways that we canbalance blood sugar is number
one by really trying to focus onbuilding yourself a balanced
plate.
So you know and I like to putlike little asterisks, like
control, what you can controlthere's going to be situations
where you're traveling or you'reat a family member's house and
(37:04):
maybe you can't have the balancethat you'd hope for, but that's
okay.
But in general, if you can makea balanced plate, that's going
to do wonders for your bloodsugar levels.
And when I say balanced plate,that just means that your plate
is going to have a protein, afiber you know a vegetable
source some healthy fats and acomplex carbohydrate that is
(37:26):
going to keep your blood sugarstable throughout the day.
You're going to feel satiated,you're going to have less
cravings, so then you're lesslikely to reach for all the
treats around you.
So that would be number one.
Number two is actually theorder in which you eat.
So studies found that eatingyour vegetable just even a few
(37:48):
bites of your vegetable first atyour meal, before anything else
on your plate, has asignificant impact on that
overall blood sugar or glucosespike of that meal, which to me.
Speaker 2 (38:00):
I have never heard this.
Oh my gosh, this is like news.
This is newsflash to me.
Speaker 4 (38:06):
It's amazing because it's such an easy thing to
implement into your life, but ithas dramatic, you know,
positive, dramatic positiveimpact on your health, on your
blood sugar.
So I could get into that in thewhole other.
I will stay on track for thepurpose of this time.
But so, if you know, just tokind of put that into
(38:30):
perspective, if you sit down andyou're going to eat the same
meal let's say you havespaghetti on your plate,
meatballs and broccoli If youeat the broccoli first, your
blood sugar is going to staystable throughout the meal and
after the meal, if you ate a fewbites of the pasta first, your
blood sugar is going to spike.
So just a simple trick ofchanging the order in which you
(38:52):
eat can just make such a greatdifference on how you feel and
how your body is digesting thefoods.
So those are a couple of youknow tips when it comes to
nutrition over the holidays.
Speaker 3 (39:04):
And.
Speaker 4 (39:04):
I would say you know, I really like to talk with my
clients about mindset-wise.
Just think about what you canadd in.
So so many times we're focusedon what we shouldn't have, what
we can't have, what we you knowoh, I just ate a donut.
I shouldn't have done that.
I'm horrible.
You know that negativeself-talk.
If you shift to a more positive, nourishing mindset and focus
(39:26):
on what you can add into yourday, it's going to do wonders
for your mindset, for your bodyimage, for the way you talk to
yourself.
And when you're traveling andyou're in situations where
you're not in your routines,having that, you know, kind of
thought process can be helpfultoo.
Can I add in more vegetables?
(39:46):
Can I add in more water?
Can I add in more movement?
Can I add in my supplements?
Things like that?
Speaker 1 (39:53):
I really like that idea, ashley, of thinking about
what you're doing right tooright.
I can take my supplements, I amdrinking water, I am eating
vegetables, rather than alwayslooking at you know, looking at
what you haven't done, because Ithink a lot of times, you know,
we are not quite, as I don'twant to say, off the program, as
(40:17):
we may think we are right, butif you have that nourishing
mindset, like you said, which Ilove, which is like how can you
continue to nourish yourselfwith what you have at hand?
I really think that thatresonates with me so much, and
eating my vegetable first willbe the easiest change I'm going
(40:38):
to make here in 2023.
I mean, my God.
Speaker 4 (40:42):
It also oh, I was just going to say it also goes
wait, wait, tish.
Speaker 1 (40:46):
It also goes to not eating the bread when they bring
it at a restaurant.
Speaker 4 (40:50):
First right you have to put that aside, and they do
that for a reason.
They do that for a reasonbecause it's going to make your
or increase your cravings,increase your appetite.
They know what they're doing.
Speaker 2 (41:05):
So I did have a question, and this is for both
Lois and Ashley.
A lot of people will betraveling in the car a lot.
Okay, I want to know what your,each of you, what your top
strategy is for eating in thecar, what snack, what meal, what
(41:26):
you know, because a lot ofpeople will be in the car a long
time and hitting all those fastfood restaurants like what is
like your top choice.
So, lois, what about you Top?
Speaker 3 (41:37):
choice for snacks in the car.
Yeah, that's a good questionand that's all about you know,
preparing ahead of time and Ithink, like Ashley was saying,
you know you want your plate tobe balanced, so why not have
snacks that bring some level ofbalance a good quality protein
bar and apple?
(41:58):
You know, get your macroscovered and you know any way
that you can not stop at thosefast food restaurants.
I mean, that just sounds awful.
Long live fast food.
Everybody in the car together.
Oh, that's a big problem.
Speaker 1 (42:18):
We've all been there.
Speaker 3 (42:20):
It does go back to preparing, preparing it,
planning ahead of time.
I think that's key, Ashley.
What do you think?
Speaker 4 (42:29):
So I love chomps chompsix.
I don't know if you've heard ofthose, but they're like the
beef jerky sticks.
Oh yeah yeah, grass fed grassfinished, so higher quality.
You can get a big box of thoseat Costco or Amazon or any
grocery store.
I love those super cleaningredients high in protein.
I always suggest to all myclients just keep a box of those
(42:51):
in your car, even not duringthe holidays for food
emergencies, so you don't gothrough McDonald's, you just
grab a chomps stick.
So chomps sticks like Loismentioned, protein bars, fruit,
cutting up vegetables you canbring, like Costco has the
little single guacamole cupthings.
Or like almond butter packs togo, peanut butter packs to go,
(43:14):
things like that A lot of times.
And it also depends who you'retraveling with.
So I have a lot of clients whothey're not in control of where
the stops are being made, soyou're gonna end up being, you
know, eating at a fast foodrestaurant.
In that case, make the bestoption that you can.
If there's a vegetableavailable, eat the vegetable
(43:37):
first.
That always helps.
Can you get movement?
I'm sure you'll be stopping atrest stops.
My partner, tucker, and I werealways that weird couple at rest
stops, like doing squatsoutside the car, like doing leg
swings, but just getting yourblood flowing, things like that.
But preparation is huge when itcomes to road trips.
Speaker 1 (44:00):
Yeah, and I know Tish is in her car a lot.
She has a job that she drives alot and those chomps sticks.
Speaker 2 (44:05):
I think we've I'm looking at those chomps sticks.
Oh yeah, I'm already on thatone.
Okay, I love that.
Speaker 4 (44:10):
And also the Siete brand amazing, so they make like
crackers, chips, a bunch ofdifferent things.
They use avocado oil.
They taste amazing, so I lovethat brand.
Speaker 1 (44:22):
Yes, I think they're gluten free, because we I'm
gluten free and I've noticed andthey're all over Costco now, so
it's not like you have toreally go to a specialty store
to get that brand.
They have great, great things.
Speaker 2 (44:36):
So good.
Now I wanna bring up anothertopic.
When we think about theholidays, right, we think about
big family gatherings and bigparties with lots of friends and
stuff there.
But you know what?
That's not the case foreveryone, right?
And I think we need to address,you know, something that can be
(44:57):
really tough during theholidays, which is loneliness,
right, I know I'm on this chatwith ladies from the area and
it's called Next Chapter and oneof the ladies had put out there
that she didn't even want todecorate this year because her
daughter had moved away, and itwas like she had just given up
(45:20):
on the holiday and I remember itjust.
It really touched me so deeplywhen I heard that and I reached
out to her and I said you know,why don't you do like a video
chat and decorate your tree withyour daughter, have her send
her a box cookies, or you allcan decorate your trees together
(45:40):
.
I said, don't not have thesemoments and she said, you know
she loved that idea because shereally was just gonna give up on
the holiday because herdaughter wasn't there, and even
though she has a partner andstuff, so, but it got me
thinking about there's a lot ofpeople that are gonna be lonely,
and you know whether it'sliving far apart from family, or
(46:05):
maybe the first year afterlosing a loved one or a
post-worse.
You know, it could be a lot ofdifferent things, but there is
loneliness.
So I wanted to talk a littlebit about staying emotionally
healthy during the holidays andwhat are some of the things that
you think we can do if you'reone of those people in that
(46:25):
situation.
Speaker 3 (46:29):
Yeah, that's a really big one and I think I love your
suggestion that you gave yourfriend.
I mean, you showed her how topivot right, that was a great
suggestion.
But yeah, look, and this isanother thing that is coming up
for me with clients isloneliness just general
loneliness, and it's not justloneliness because you're alone,
(46:51):
it's loneliness because you are, you know, maybe not happy in
your marriage or you have areally toxic family.
So I think, with loneliness, Ithink the first thing to
remember is when we think aboutwhen, tish, when you talk about
the big holiday with lots ofpeople, and there is some of
(47:11):
that, but there are a lot ofpeople who are doing the
holidays alone.
So you're not and again it'slike a reframing You're not
alone in your loneliness, right?
Not that that makes it any lesspainful, but there are so many
people like that who are havingthe holidays alone.
And there are things you can do.
(47:31):
I mean, first of all, youshould be taking really good
care of yourself, some reallygood self-care.
You know, if Christmas is yourholiday, have a lovely bath, you
know, light some candles, havea cocktail or a glass of wine.
So really taking good care ofyourself, loving yourself.
But also you know there areoptions to volunteer.
(47:54):
If you need with other people,you can volunteer, or if there
are friends that you can join,although I know, when we were
talking about this earlierbefore the podcast, that, ellen,
you were saying that one ofyour friends didn't necessarily
want to go be with other people.
That was highlighting the factthat she didn't have her own
(48:15):
people.
So I do think there are waysaround it.
But then the other thing isloneliness.
It is painful, it doesn't feelgood, but we also sometimes do
have to sit in it and justexperience loneliness.
You know, some of it is beingresilient to those emotions.
Speaker 1 (48:39):
And I like, lois, what you said.
I mean I've been in a badmarriage and been the loneliest
around a lot of people, so it'sloneliness is not always
something that is a solitarything, and I think that's a good
thing for folks to remember tooright that it's, and sitting in
(48:59):
it can be hard, hard, hard, buta path forward.
Speaker 2 (49:05):
Yeah, yeah, definitely Ashley, I'm thinking
back to your journaling momentsand stuff like that.
But do you hear your clients,Ashley, talking about their
concerns with loneliness duringthe holiday?
Speaker 4 (49:19):
For sure.
Yeah, it's a very commonfeeling for many women and we
try to brainstorm ways.
I like to ask them, like whatare some things you can do to
fill your cup, or what are somenew hobbies that you can try to
incorporate?
Are there family members orfriends, maybe, who you can
(49:41):
FaceTime or get on Zoom with orget on the phone with and just
have that sort of connection,whatever feels comfortable for
them?
But I really think, whetherit's through journaling or just
thinking about it, thinking ofwhat can bring joy into your
life like you mentioned Tish,your friend who didn't want to
(50:01):
decorate because her daughtermoved away, but I'm sure the
decorations would bring her lotsof joy.
So that is probably just alittle bit of more of a
perspective change, and thatdoesn't mean you need to go all
out the decorations, but justputting a few lights up or doing
whatever makes that personhappy is going to be really
important, and I'm a bigbeliever in like whether it's
(50:22):
during the holidays or not likeromanticizing things.
So I had a client who wentthrough a pretty rough breakup
and she was having a really hardtime being alone in her
apartment.
I was like you know, try toromanticize your dinner.
It's like light a candle, playa podcast, like get some cute
silverware or dishware andthings like that, or play some
(50:43):
Italian music.
You know, try making a newrecipe.
Just whatever you can do tomake things more enjoyable and
more fun.
It can make such a bigdifference.
Speaker 2 (50:55):
I love those suggestions.
I just love that.
That's awesome.
Speaker 1 (50:59):
Me too, and I think romanticizing yourself right is
also something that can happento New Year's Eve, which I know
is also another holiday, likeyou know.
Once we get passed onto NewYear's, that can feel really
lonely for people as well.
Speaker 2 (51:15):
The expectations around New Year's Eve.
Woo, wow, yeah, mm-hmm.
Speaker 1 (51:24):
All right.
Speaker 2 (51:25):
Well, so let's talk a little bit.
Let's just talk a minute or twoabout New Year's.
Do you see a difference?
Did you see people strugglemore with New Year's or more
with the?
You know the Hanukkah and theChristmas.
You know which kind of?
Or is it equal?
Speaker 3 (51:43):
I think that people struggle more with holidays that
are more of a family holiday,like Christmas or Hanukkah, and
honestly, I think in my stage oflife, in midlife, I think a lot
of people are just kind of donewith New Year's.
I mean, that's late, it's pastmy bedtime, it's like a few
hours from bedtime, but I dothink New Year's is definitely
(52:09):
overrated, just like I thinkthese resolutions are overrated.
I'm probably not a great idea,but I do think there's less
opportunity for that moreexistential loneliness over New
Year's than Christmas orHanukkah, which is much more
family-friendly.
Speaker 2 (52:31):
Yeah, I know what everyone thinks of, New Year's
is like the date night.
For me it's so funny.
You know what New Year's was tome.
My parents would always getreal dressed up and go out and I
remember spending New Year'swith my grandmother and we had
to have money in our handsbecause then you'd have money
(52:52):
all year long and we would clinkand bang on pots and pans on
the porch and she made us eatpickled herring.
That's New Year's to me Moneyin the hand, banging on pots,
eating pickled herring.
I didn't like it that.
I don't like it now, but thoseare golden memories for me.
Speaker 1 (53:13):
You know what Tish?
It must have been an upstateNew York thing, because I was
always with my grandparents inSyracuse, you were with yours in
Buffalo and we did bang potsand pans.
Speaker 2 (53:25):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (53:25):
Yeah, I'm not sure we didn't have the money to take
us into the New Year, but I dolike that.
So you know what?
I think it's time for us towrap up this episode and I think
we've covered four or fivereally great topics and really
gone over some ways.
(53:45):
We can all connect withourselves and connect with
others, hold our boundariesright and really change what
we're doing at midlife, reallyestablish new traditions and new
boundaries around our midlifeholidays.
Speaker 2 (54:03):
Yeah, I think you know it's a wonderful reminder,
ellen, you know, to be proactive, not to just sit back and feel
sad and sorry for yourself, butreally, like, take charge of
reimagining, reframing whatthese holidays are and whatnot.
And I can't tell you, ashleyand Lois, thank you so much for
(54:26):
being here.
I was wondering if I could slipin just a little question, and
Ashley Lois knows this question,but we're going to start with
you, ashley, if you could tellpeople what your superpower is,
what would your superpower be?
Speaker 4 (54:45):
Oh, that's a great question.
I would say, honestly,listening, like genuinely
listening, I think you know,these days it's hard to find
people to listen, to slow down,and I thought, lois, obviously
(55:07):
this is probably one of hersuperpowers too.
But to ask questions, to listen, to be curious about, you know,
whether I'm doing that with myclients or my friends or my
family members, it's so specialto be able to experience life
with all of the people thatwe're experiencing life with at
(55:27):
the same time, and so being ableto sit down, take the time and
listen to their stories and whatthey have to say.
I would say that's it.
Speaker 2 (55:38):
Oh, I love that and I think it's a holiday.
I think everyone should likeadopt that superpower at their
next family gathering Listen,yes, and ask questions before
some of these relatives are gone.
Speaker 1 (55:53):
Yeah, be curious, be curious.
Speaker 2 (55:58):
Lois, lois.
What are you going to claim isyour superpower du jour.
Speaker 3 (56:03):
It's similar to Ashley's and in fact I was
having a conversation with aclient about this today, about
actually somebody who isstarting to date and doesn't
know how to start conversationsin dating, and I was saying if
you are genuinely curious aboutpeople and you can ask the
(56:25):
deeper questions that getunderneath, like the many
underneath, many layeredquestions, that's going to make
your dating experience much morepowerful and interesting.
So I would say that is mysuperpower is asking the right
question that kind of gets tothe nuggets and gets to the
(56:49):
essence of who people are,because that's more interesting
to me honestly.
You know the deep end stuff.
Speaker 1 (56:57):
Right, right, I love it.
There's a great book.
Speaker 4 (57:00):
There's a great book called Ask.
I think it's just ask.
It's a really easy read and Iwish I could remember the author
.
But I could send it to you guysif you want.
But you know, in line with allthat, it's really great about
how to ask the right questionsand yeah.
Speaker 2 (57:18):
Oh, I love that.
I love that Awesome, thank you.
Speaker 1 (57:22):
Yeah, I just wanted to say, you know, I heard
boundaries, I heard the wordsgrace, which you know, tish and
I.
I think that has to be our wordof the year and I loved hearing
that pivot self care, self love.
Ashley, you said this.
I thought it was so profoundFill your cup.
How can you fill your cuparound the holidays?
(57:45):
Right?
And I think that that's areally great thing.
I think we've covered so manygreat strategies and ideas for
people to really have a healthyholiday here in 2023.
And this is our last episode ofthe year, so I'd have to say we
are honored to have both of youwith us.
Speaker 2 (58:07):
Yeah thank you, it's wonderful.
Speaker 3 (58:09):
It's wonderful to be here again.
Speaker 2 (58:11):
Thanks so much and you know to our listeners we've
covered some.
You know key areas and you know, going deep into these holidays
, right, and going into 2024,that that we know they're going
to be helpful for you, right.
And I want to give a shout outto some of our listeners, you
know, just to recognize that wesee you, we can see where our
(58:34):
listeners are coming to us from,right, and so I want to give a
shout out to Melbourne,australia, reno, nevada and New
Britain, connecticut.
Okay, that's just some of themand we love having you as part
of our tribe and please continueto share our podcast with your
(58:54):
own tribes.
So stay tuned till next time aswe continue our journey of
embracing life's adventure atevery age.
Speaker 1 (59:05):
That's right.
Stay positive, stay strong,keep discovering.
Visit us atPositivelyMidlifePodcastcom.
Until next time, till 2024,midlifers.
Hey Tish, do you ever feel like you've held the
holidays together for yourentire family, that you alone
are personally responsible foreveryone's happiness in your
family?
Speaker 2 (00:14):
Oh, yes, I mean, ellen, the holidays.
I know it's this time of joyand love and fun and, let's face
it, it also brings with it alot of stress, because it's been
our responsibility to makeeverybody happy.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
It's true, sometimes I feel like I'm just getting
through the holidays.
So, you know, for far too long,women across the world, across
the board, have carried theweight of the holidays on their
shoulders, and I think it goesback to our mothers and
grandmothers Tish, I can see,maybe even before that, but I
know, pat and Sue, they weredoing everything when we were
(00:54):
young, but now, as we embracemidlife, I think it's time for
transformation, some changes youknow I love the word pivoting
and reframing how we spend theholidays and really how we treat
ourselves during the holidays.
It's time, I'm going to say,put the stake in the ground to
make the holidays fulfilling forus midlife ladies.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
We're talking about reframing again and it's been
like a theme of this whole 2023,right, but reframing the
holidays, I agree.
You know, I really startedlooking at some of the
traditions that I've had thatjust don't work for me any
longer, and I'm trying torediscover what does work for me
(01:38):
now.
Right, there's a lot of lettinggo in this process for me, and
so this is such a timelydiscussion for us right now at
the holidays, right, ellen?
So we have brought along twoamazing guests to join us today
to talk about making theholidays work for us at midlife.
Speaker 1 (02:02):
Well, I am so excited to have Lois and Ashley join us
today because, just like youand a lot of our listeners, I am
in the midst of redefining someholiday things too, with my
family and negotiating, and Ican definitely use some help
here.
But before we meet our guestsfor the episode, you know I love
this part of the show.
(02:23):
Tish, what do you got for me?
What's your obsession?
Speaker 2 (02:27):
I've got a cute little thing.
So you know I'm so much moreabout more than just a gift like
that.
The gift is an event type thing.
So I have something reallysilly.
Who doesn't like to roastmarshmallows and make s'mores?
So my obsession this week isthis tiny little tabletop so you
(02:50):
can roast your marshmallows onit.
Little flame thing going on,you know, with the little gels
and things.
But it's so cute to make atabletop s'more thing.
So just think about having yourgirlfriends over or having you
know family and then just goingaround there and there's just
something about that that just Idon't know who doesn't love it.
(03:11):
So that's my obsession.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
I think I'm going to buy one of those.
I can, in California, use iteven outdoors for part of the
year as well.
But who doesn't love s'more?
Speaker 2 (03:25):
So what about you, Ellen?
What is your obsession for thisweek?
Speaker 1 (03:29):
Well, you know, our obsessions rarely collide and I
think this is funny becausethese are our last obsessions of
2023.
And mine is from Oprah's List.
You know she has that listevery year of her special great
things and it's called thewonderful.
It's a cross-body water bottlebut it has room for your iPhone.
(03:50):
Even if you have a Pro Max likeme, that's like practically
like having a tablet and yourkeys and some other things.
I have a water bottle holder butit doesn't have room for any of
those things and I've alwaysbeen like somebody should design
.
Of course somebody shoulddesign one of these that holds a
great water bottle like a hydroflask, and has room for other
(04:12):
things in it.
And it is so cute.
It's deep purple and I willshare it with you guys.
But if you're out hiking andyou really wish you had your
phone or your keys or somethingelse with you, your passport.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
I love that because I think sometimes we go too big
with the backpack, we go toosmall with you know, you know so
.
So this sounds like a goodcompromise, just to take the
essentials along with you.
So I like that.
I'm going to definitely checkthat one out.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
Can I just say before we move on I think it can hold
a bottle of wine too.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
So it might be good Whatever bottle you kind of need
for that kind of day, right, isthat kind?
Speaker 1 (04:52):
of day.
That's right.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
I love it.
Well, it is time for us to meetour two guests this week, and
we have Lois Spence back with uson the podcast.
We've had her before and Loisis a psychotherapist and life
coach who is so passionate aboutempowering her clients to find
their authentic voice, createboundaries to protect their
(05:18):
peace.
And we also have Ashley Muse,who is a nutrition coach,
focusing on helping people feelbetter and live healthier lives.
So welcome back to the podcast,lois.
We're going to end.
Welcome to the podcast, ashley,and we want each of you to
share with our listenerssomething about yourself, your
(05:41):
background, and I want to jumpoff with Lois first.
So, lois, remind our listenersa little bit about yourself.
Speaker 3 (05:50):
So it's awesome to be back.
Thank you so much for invitingme, and especially around this
topic.
So I am a therapist in Issaacau, Washington, so just outside of
Seattle.
It's called Spence CounselingAlliance and this time of year
is rife with people juststressed about being with family
(06:12):
, concerned about boundaries,overworked.
You know lots of traditions touphold, Like you said, women
holding up the traditions of thefamily.
So a lot of my practice thepast few months has been around
this topic and honestlypreparing a lot of people to get
(06:32):
through the holidays with somelevel of grace and intact.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
I love that and I think you know we're going to go
into it more.
But you do have a lot ofInstagrams out there that talk
about these topics of like,pre-planning this stuff, and I
can't wait to get to those.
But before we do, I want totalk to Ashley.
Ashley, tell us a little bitabout yourself.
Speaker 4 (07:02):
Yes, so thank you so much for having me.
I'm so excited.
Like you mentioned, I am anintegrative nutrition health
coach.
I am also based in Seattle area, but I work virtually, so I get
to work with people all overthe world, which is great,
having, interestingly enough, alot of East coasters, so,
(07:24):
calculating the time change mysession.
But in my practice I reallywork with women, mainly to work
on improving their relationshipwith food, improving their
nutrition and eating habits.
We work to balance hormones, tobalance out gut health.
We work on stress management,sleep.
(07:45):
So it's really a holisticapproach to health and really to
just taking control back, youknow, back over their health and
prioritizing themselves,because, as we know, with women
and moms it's so common to puttheir own needs and health on
the back burner.
So it's really about takingthat control back and finding
that confidence and just feelingreally great in their bodies
(08:07):
again.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
Oh, I love that.
I love that.
I think you know, the more welearn about that and the more we
hear about it.
Hopefully, it empowers more andmore women.
Speaker 1 (08:19):
Yeah, I agree so wholeheartedly.
And, ashley, we are reallylooking forward to digging in
with you, because so many thingsaround the holidays really
revolve around nutrition andfood and self care and, I think,
stress management, and I reallyam interested in this holistic
(08:40):
approach.
But let's jump right into theholidays first, here with this
idea of people pleasers that wewomen are just many, many times
people pleasers.
I consider myself a recoveringpeople pleaser, right, and we
have all set up this dynamicthat may not be working for us
(09:03):
anymore at midlife.
You know, can you share alittle bit more about this, lois
?
I know we've talked about thispart before.
Speaker 3 (09:12):
Yeah, people pleasing .
I mean it's, it's chronic withwomen and I it's not just with
women, because I also work withhigh school girls, college girls
and this is even with theyounger generation.
There's a little bit more focusaround changing that with the
younger generation, but we aswomen are socialized to make
(09:34):
sure people feel good, to benurturers, and at the expense of
our own health, really our ownmental health.
So this really comes up duringthis time of year where there's
so much extra that needs to bedone in order to hold up the
holidays for our families, andthere have been so many studies
(09:58):
done around men and women to,you know, to income, to busy
working, you know jobs withfamilies, that the women still
do 75% of the household tasks.
So there's, you know, there'squite a disparity, and that
(10:19):
shows up in the holidays too.
So I am encountering in mypractice women who are people
pleasers, who are recoveringpeople pleasers, and I
appreciate you saying thatbecause I think a lot of us,
most of us, especially our age,are still working on healing
ourselves from being peoplepleasers.
(10:40):
So this is where it reallyshows up this time of year and
this is where I encourage womento really look at their you know
output in managing the holidaysand creating something special
for everybody else exceptthemselves.
I mean a lot of women kind ofdread the holidays.
Yeah, there's so much extra.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
I agree, and one thing I've learned in this later
part this midlife is it's okayto say no.
I think a lot of people, whenyou're invited to something,
your first impulse is to be like, yes, what can I bring, and
what can I bring right?
Not just that I'm coming, butlet me do something as well.
(11:25):
And do you have any strategiesaround saying no, Lois, the
holidays.
Speaker 3 (11:33):
Just say no.
And that's the thing.
Like it's so easy for me to sitin my chair working with
clients telling them well, allyou have to do is this you just
have to set the boundary, youhave to say no.
But here's the problem Ourfamily's society is really still
not quite used to us settingthese firm boundaries, so we do
(11:56):
at times have to be a littlemore where I say gentle around,
setting boundaries where peopleare not taking offense, which is
it's a shame that it kind ofhas to be like that.
But I think boundaries for usaround the holidays are a work
in progress and I know with you,titian Ellen, you guys are the
(12:17):
same stage of life as me, whereour kids are older, so we really
can look at these traditionsand say what works for us, what
doesn't work for us.
I mean, ellen has a lot ofsilver tree and that seems to be
working well.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
It's working well for me.
Maybe not as well for my kids,but you know, as I said, I can
take it, I can put it up, I cantake it down and I love it.
It's so kitschy and, you know,it just makes me happy.
I'm sitting here right now aswe're recording, looking at this
tiny silver tinsel tree, justwith joy.
(12:58):
It's bringing me joy.
But I know that this is a lotat the expense of our mental
health, and Ashley wanted tobring you in here to talk a
little bit about how this canimpact physical health during
the holidays.
Speaker 4 (13:13):
For sure.
Yeah, and speaking of stress,you know I think stress really
picks up during the holidays andyou know, trying to please
everybody, people, pleaseeverybody Christmas shopping,
decorating, traveling, all ofthe things so stress really high
ends, which causes so manynegative, such negative impact
(13:35):
on our bodies.
It can really impact ourhormones negatively.
It can impact our gut healthnegatively, it impacts our sleep
.
So really managing stress isimportant.
When people think of stress, weusually obviously connect it to
the mental health, but justknowing how much it impacts us
physically is really important.
To have that awareness and Ireally am a big believer in
(13:58):
having a why behind you knowyour goals and why you're
creating healthy habits.
And I think if you understandthat that stress that's dialing
up during the holidays is notonly impacting you mentally but
it's impacting you physically,then that might encourage
somebody to prioritize more.
You know stress managementtechniques and so on.
(14:21):
So and I have plenty of thoseto talk about too If you want
those, now or later, but it'sWell, give us your best to
stress management things.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
What if somebody is like I am just absolutely at my
wit's end, stressed out too muchon my plate?
What are your top two thingsthat you're going to tell them
to do?
Speaker 4 (14:43):
So I would say top two.
That's a great question.
Top two number one would be andthis seems like it wouldn't be
doing too much for you butgetting outside, getting into
nature, into fresh air.
People underestimate this one,but it is so beneficial for your
health, for your mental health,for your physical health, even
(15:05):
if it's just a five or 10 minutewalk around the block, around
your neighborhood.
That fresh air is going toboost your endorphins, it's
going to help balance bloodsugar, it's going to help reduce
stress and I've never metanyone who did not go outside
and come back in and not feelbetter, especially these days
more people working from home oryou know, depending on what
(15:27):
your situation is.
We just need to get more outinto nature and get that fresh
air, and that kind of goes handin hand with number two, but
getting movement in.
So you know I understand peopledon't have a lot of time during
the holidays to get to the gymfor a one hour workout, and you
do not need to do a one hourworkout moving your body in any
(15:49):
kind of way you can.
There's so many free workoutson YouTube.
You can look up at 10 minutePilates, yoga, stretching,
strength training, workoutwhatever you find joy in doing,
just moving your body.
Again, that's going to getendorphins going, it's going to
release serotonin, which is yourhappy hormone and chemical.
It's going to do wonders foryour mindset, for your energy
(16:14):
and for your stress levels.
So, moving your body, gettingoutside, you can pair the two.
Go on a walk outside, you'vedone both, and your stress
levels will come down.
Speaker 2 (16:24):
So I love it.
I love it.
I know, I think this whole ideaof people pleasing one, you've
got to become aware what isdriving this.
And then then it's that youknow setting up for boundaries,
but so I think you know, kind of, on moving into another phase,
(16:47):
of what can make the holiday sodifficult for us.
Right, I think a lot of us aregoing to be facing dealing with
delicate family dynamics duringthe holidays, right, and I think
this is what I've so lovedabout watching your Instagram
post, lois that you talk aboutgetting prepared getting
(17:09):
prepared mentally, gettingprepared with the words you want
to use and so that you canrespond calmly, quietly, so
you're getting prepared forthose tough questions.
You know the aunt that says so.
Are you going to get marriedagain?
Are you going to stay aloneforever?
(17:30):
I mean those triggering thingsthat, like you know, why aren't
your kids doing more?
You know, but you know thesethings are coming because they
come every time the family getstogether, right?
So I loved your Instagram postwhere you get people prepared.
But can you share with us someof your tricks that can make
this less stressful and to makesure that we can handle this
(17:56):
better, these potentialminefields, right.
So what are some of your mainstrategies that you can share
with our listeners?
Speaker 3 (18:03):
So I actually have there about six strategies that
you know.
You can pick a few or pick allof them, but I think that the
very first one that we need toremember is these people are our
family, we know them well, weknow what to expect.
So when Aunt Judy comments onyour appearance, she did it last
(18:26):
year, she did it the yearbefore, she's going to do it
this year fully expected.
So that's a situation where you, you can prepare for that, but
you also there's a reframingthat can happen around those
questions.
You expect it.
Well, maybe we can laugh at it,laugh about the question,
(18:46):
because it's you know, it's tobe expected, right.
So it's being, it's beingrealistic about those
expectations.
You're not going to show up andall of a sudden have, you know,
a hallmark type holiday If youhaven't heard, or you're not
going to prepare.
So, preparing and understandingthat those dynamics are just,
(19:13):
they're there and that thatthat's okay, and you prepare a
response.
If you need to prepare aresponse again, it can be funny.
I heard somebody refer to humorthis time of year as oxygenated
grace.
So such a clever way to yesbecause we can.
(19:35):
I think we can handle thesedynamics that are complex so
much better if we can kind ofsee the humor in them.
So set real expectation,realistic expectations, use, use
humor, focus on gratitude.
I mean, there's all.
There's always something ineach of our family members that
we appreciate, so let's focus onthat.
You know all of these thingsabout living with gratitude.
(19:59):
The other thing is, as we goback to our families,
understanding that while ourfamilies define as, to a certain
degree, we also havedifferentiated ourselves by
stepping into our own lives andbuilding our own lives.
So, reminding ourselves of thatand trying not to fall back
(20:20):
into those expected dynamicsthat you might even play
yourself, that don't really workvery well, like childhood
dynamics that don't work well,planning ahead definitely
planning ahead come up withresponses to difficult questions
and then I think the finalthing is to really reflect what
(20:45):
went well, what didn't go well,what you know, what do I change?
Do I?
Do I spend less time there nexttime?
Do I still tell?
Do I need more breaks?
Do I need a more clear exitstrategy?
Do I need to pause more?
You know, I think, Ellen, youhad said or maybe it was Tash
(21:10):
Tish about being reactive, likewe get in this mode where we're
a kid again and we want to react.
But if we can pause, take aminute, we don't have to respond
right away and respond withmaybe some oxygenated grace.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
I love that.
I'm going to be using that allthe time, and I really do like
this idea of reflecting.
Sometimes in business, we dothis after something.
You know it's like a huddle ora postmortem or whatever, where
you can really really take thetime to walk through it.
My question here, though, iswhat if you do fall into this
(21:48):
expected dynamic and you don'tlike where it went, what do you
do to kind of forgive yourself?
It seems like there needs to besome forgiveness.
I know we said grace, but youknow sometimes it's grace for
other people, but what about?
It's really hard for me to givemyself that grace.
Speaker 3 (22:06):
And I think that's a really important thing that you
brought up and that also ties inwith people pleasing and not
giving ourselves enough graceand enough credit.
And I think what we're lookingfor here with the holidays we're
not looking for perfection.
We're not looking forperfection in the way we show up
.
We're not looking forperfection in the way our family
(22:29):
members show up.
Maybe progress, maybe if we cansee a little bit of progress in
the way we interact with ourfamilies, but also giving
ourselves grace.
You know, speaking to ourselvesthe way we would speak to our
friends.
We did the best we could withwhat we have at that moment.
It's okay.
Speaker 4 (22:52):
Can I add something in there too?
Yeah, so I have a client whowe've been working together for
a few years and she has lots ofchallenges around the holidays
with getting together withfamily very different views and
intensity and something that hasreally helped her is there's a
(23:12):
couple of things journalingbefore going into that event or
get together really helps herjust focus and she journals
around how she wants to feel and, like Lois mentioned, like
having some responses readybecause she knows what questions
are going to be asked.
She also takes some time tomeditate, which I really think
(23:32):
helps her just go into thatsituation with more of a calm
mind.
And then also you know we talkabout you decide how much you
want to share with your familymembers.
You know she was asking me like,or she was talking about oh,
I'm just nervous about whatthey're going to say, what
they're going to ask me about myhealth situation and how much
(23:55):
she has to tell them.
And it's like you choose howmuch you share with your family
members or who you're spendingthat time with and you don't
have to overshare and you're notexpected to, you know,
volunteer your whole entirehealth story or life story or
whatever that situation might befor you.
So you know, share with who youtrust and who you know is going
(24:15):
to respond with love.
But if you know people are notgoing to do that, you don't need
to share that information Ilove that.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
I think it really goes again back to that people
pleasing that if somebody asksyou a question you are obligated
to provide all the details andno, you're not.
And I like how you know youwere saying like prepare of, you
know what do you want to shareand what don't you want to share
, and giving yourself thepermission that healthy
(24:44):
permission to keep whatever youneed private private.
I love that.
I love that mental healthapproach to things that you know
that will probably come up.
Speaker 3 (24:56):
Yeah, and I think that ties in with safety.
You know, do you feel safe?
And you feel safe sharingsomething, that's great.
But if you get that feeling inyour chest, in your gut, you
know you get a physical, youhave a physical reaction.
And often that's our first signis you know, my chest is tight,
(25:19):
my stomach hurts, ooh.
And then stop telling you well,maybe this isn't the place to
share, that I'm getting divorced, maybe you know I hold on to
hold that a little close.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
Yeah, and the other thing you mentioned, ashley, was
about journaling.
We love the journaling thing,but to to, when you put it, your
words or your thoughts down onpaper, you're really sorting
them out.
And I like how you said youknow what do you picture this
event to be?
You know, what are you, what doyou want from it, and stuff
(25:51):
like that.
Yep, and maybe by by puttingthose words to it and not over
it, like wanting it to be sincegrand again, that Hallmark
moment or whatever.
And just little things like tofocus on those little joys.
You know I want to spend timewith the new baby and hear the
baby coo and, and you know,enjoy stuff.
(26:12):
But you know, aunt, you knowSue's recipe and maybe get her
to share it with the family and,yeah, little wins.
Speaker 1 (26:21):
I agree, little wins are big.
But you know, we know when wejournal tish, that we really can
kind of set the stage, paintthe picture.
And I like this idea, ashley,of this intention, like if
you're journaling and you'remeditating, to kind of, to kind
of bring that intention into theinteraction with your family,
(26:44):
right.
Speaker 4 (26:46):
You're just kind of priming your mindset and mental
space to go into that situationwhich is so helpful yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:55):
You know what I really want to talk about.
Next I want to talk about Ithink it's one of the biggest
traditions of the holidays,right, and this is probably gift
giving.
I know, right, talk aboutanxiety for me.
So I really want to talk aboutchanging up gifting right,
(27:16):
because I think for me it can beone of the most stressful
aspects, especially at midlife.
We're all about simplifying andfocusing on what really matters
and you know, I know Ellen andI have talked a lot about
focusing more on experiences orhandmade things as opposed to
(27:38):
just lots of boxes under thetree of stuff that they really
didn't need anyway, right, and Iwould like us to kind of unpack
some of this.
You know the emotional aspectsof it, you know just the whole
health around it.
I always stress, you know, do Ikeep a couple gifts in case
(27:59):
someone gifts me something and Iwasn't prepared and like, is
that insane?
You know?
Speaker 1 (28:07):
Okay, here's an insane thing too.
I'm just gonna throw it out.
I agree with a friend thatwe're not gonna give gifts for
gonna do something together andhave this experience, and then
they come with a littlesomething and I have nothing.
It's the worst.
Speaker 2 (28:24):
So, ashley, I want you to jump in on this one first
.
You know what are your clientstalking to you about, the
stresses regarding whether it'sexpense or what to get somebody.
You know again, I think it's alittle bit of people pleasing
again, but do you have yourclients talking to you about
this?
Speaker 4 (28:44):
Yeah.
So I was just gonna say it tiesright back in again to the
people pleasing and I love howyou mentioned kind of gifting
more around experiences, travel,more of just the thoughtful,
meaningful gifts.
And, ellen, when you say it'sso funny because that happens
all the time where it's like youmake an agreement or a pact to
(29:06):
not buy a gift and then theyshow up with a gift, I think I
know so many people that do thatand I've had clients share that
same story.
But in that situation it's likethat person thought of you or
wanted to bring that to you fora reason, not because they
expected something back, right,and we have to keep that in mind
like, okay, this person justwanted to do this for me.
(29:28):
They're not expecting a giftback and if they are, then maybe
they're not the best friend ormaybe they're better.
But in terms of gift giving, Ithink again, it really varies
from person to person.
I think that's stressful fordifferent reasons, but I think
(29:51):
changing the expectations thatyou have for yourself,
understanding that your familymembers, your loved ones, don't
love you because of the giftsthat you're buying them.
They love you because of whoyou are, the time, the quality
time that you're spending withthem.
And if you do have the budgetand can't afford to buy a gift,
(30:12):
as we were talking about earlier, the experiences, the
thoughtful gifts, the handmadegifts I love, like the idea of
Etsy.
You're supporting smallbusinesses, you're getting
something, maybe that'scustomized, with somebody's name
on it.
There's so many things likeunder $20 that you can find on
there that are thoughtful andcustom.
But in generalizing it, I thinkit's just about resetting those
(30:37):
expectations that you have andunderstanding that people are
not expecting you to buyeverything on their wish list.
And if you do have a kid who ismaking the entire slideshow and
presentation of what they wantfor Christmas because I know
that's happening out there maybehaving that conversation with
your kid, depending on what thecircumstances, are.
(30:57):
Like honey, we can't afford X,y and Z this year, but I'd love
to do this with you.
Or we're gonna bake cookies orcreate an experience that
doesn't have to cost a lot ofmoney.
Speaker 2 (31:09):
So different situations will call for
different things, but I likethat honest, open approach to it
, especially with really closefamily members to say, hey, this
is a situation, so let's findsome different things that we
can really enjoy and enjoy thatholiday.
Speaker 1 (31:29):
That's not about Gifts that they won't remember
what they got, even last year,realistic yeah, yeah I have to
say Tish and I have both beensingle moms at different points
in our lives.
I think I was really motivateda lot by that to make sure that
(31:50):
Christmas was just perfect.
I know we haven't said theperfect word here yet, I don't
think.
But, lois, I know that there'ssomething behind that too.
There can be a charge behindgift giving and really almost
feeling competitive with theother family of my children.
So I think I brought a lot intoit and it's been really tough
(32:13):
for me to pull back on the giftgiving with my adult children.
That's why I've gone toexperiences.
Speaker 3 (32:22):
Yeah, I think we do attach a lot of well, we can
attach a lot of meaning to thesize of the gift, the cost of
the gift and really reframingwhat gifting means to us.
And I do think conversationswith your family ahead of time,
setting expectations, picking aname for one person in your
(32:43):
family or putting a cap on howmuch you're going to spend, is
crucial.
I mean, it all really honestlycomes down to just open
communication.
Let's just talk and see whatworks well for everybody, and
being open to pivoting this iscompletely different, and that's
(33:03):
okay.
Speaker 2 (33:05):
Now two years ago, I kind of led the way with this
with my kids and I said I didn'twant them to buy me anything.
I said, but Christmas morning Ihad three of them here, not all
four.
I said Christmas morning I wantus to go and do something.
I have something planned and Ineed everyone just to go happily
along.
(33:26):
That is my gift, that is goingto be your gift to me.
And they, of course, they'relike yeah, yeah, that sounds
great Right, no price tag.
And come Christmas morningthey're like oh, I said,
remember right.
I know that yes there's no,there's no grumbling, there's no
, I don't want to go.
And we ended up going down intoCharlotte and they have those
(33:49):
motor scooters and Charlotte itlooked like an abandoned town.
There was nobody in downtownCharlotte.
We had the streets andsidewalks basically to ourselves
and we went around in ourscooters and I had the Christmas
lights on everyone's neck and,do you know, we just had the
(34:09):
best time and that is probablythe happiest memory from that
year and that was my gift andthat we went to do this and they
had a blast.
Once they got down there, therewas a few grumbles about going,
but when we got down there andI said, you know, this really is
what it is about.
Speaker 1 (34:30):
You know, this time together, the being silly, the,
you know, enjoying an experience, and I know, alan, you're big
for that family hike right, yes,yes, I mean I'm in California,
so lucky and people say to me Ican't believe your kids will do
the Thanksgiving morning andChristmas morning hikes.
But it really is such a greattradition and I love, ashley,
(34:52):
how you said just gettingoutside and being in nature.
You know, it really is a greatway to start the day on both of
those holidays and my kids it'slike you know, not even a
grumble.
I mean it can't be before 10 am, but it's not a grumble.
Speaker 2 (35:10):
Let's not get crazy there, right.
Speaker 1 (35:12):
Let's not get crazy.
All right, guys, let's moveinto kind of health and wellness
around the holidays and I'mgoing to throw food and drink in
here too.
Ashley, and I know that youknow, as I said earlier, for me
and I think for a lot of peoplereally trying to eat right, to
be healthy, to have that selfcare, can you share with us?
(35:35):
You know what's what's top ofmind with people you're talking
to.
Speaker 4 (35:39):
Yeah, great questions .
I'm just like where do we begin?
I could talk about this forever, but where I really like to
focus on with my clients, withmyself, with just everybody that
I share this information with,is really focusing on balancing
your blood sugar.
Balancing your blood sugar isso crucial for overall health
(36:02):
and especially hormone health.
So, you know, blood sugar, it'sgoing to affect your energy,
it's going to affect yourcravings, your quality of sleep,
your body composition, yourmood.
I mean, it just is crucial.
So we can really work onbalancing our blood sugar
through different lifestylestrategies, but also with what
(36:23):
we eat and what we put on ourplate and, as you all know,
during the holidays it's filledwith temptation sugar very
carb-heavy foods, more processedfoods, desserts, alcohol and so
on.
So that is a recipe for bloodsugar roller coaster blood sugar
spikes and crashes.
You're not going to be feelinggood at all.
(36:43):
So a couple of ways that we canbalance blood sugar is number
one by really trying to focus onbuilding yourself a balanced
plate.
So you know and I like to putlike little asterisks, like
control, what you can controlthere's going to be situations
where you're traveling or you'reat a family member's house and
(37:04):
maybe you can't have the balancethat you'd hope for, but that's
okay.
But in general, if you can makea balanced plate, that's going
to do wonders for your bloodsugar levels.
And when I say balanced plate,that just means that your plate
is going to have a protein, afiber you know a vegetable
source some healthy fats and acomplex carbohydrate that is
(37:26):
going to keep your blood sugarstable throughout the day.
You're going to feel satiated,you're going to have less
cravings, so then you're lesslikely to reach for all the
treats around you.
So that would be number one.
Number two is actually theorder in which you eat.
So studies found that eatingyour vegetable just even a few
(37:48):
bites of your vegetable first atyour meal, before anything else
on your plate, has asignificant impact on that
overall blood sugar or glucosespike of that meal, which to me.
Speaker 2 (38:00):
I have never heard this.
Oh my gosh, this is like news.
This is newsflash to me.
Speaker 4 (38:06):
It's amazing because it's such an easy thing to
implement into your life, but ithas dramatic, you know,
positive, dramatic positiveimpact on your health, on your
blood sugar.
So I could get into that in thewhole other.
I will stay on track for thepurpose of this time.
But so, if you know, just tokind of put that into
(38:30):
perspective, if you sit down andyou're going to eat the same
meal let's say you havespaghetti on your plate,
meatballs and broccoli If youeat the broccoli first, your
blood sugar is going to staystable throughout the meal and
after the meal, if you ate a fewbites of the pasta first, your
blood sugar is going to spike.
So just a simple trick ofchanging the order in which you
(38:52):
eat can just make such a greatdifference on how you feel and
how your body is digesting thefoods.
So those are a couple of youknow tips when it comes to
nutrition over the holidays.
Speaker 3 (39:04):
And.
Speaker 4 (39:04):
I would say you know, I really like to talk with my
clients about mindset-wise.
Just think about what you canadd in.
So so many times we're focusedon what we shouldn't have, what
we can't have, what we you knowoh, I just ate a donut.
I shouldn't have done that.
I'm horrible.
You know that negativeself-talk.
If you shift to a more positive, nourishing mindset and focus
(39:26):
on what you can add into yourday, it's going to do wonders
for your mindset, for your bodyimage, for the way you talk to
yourself.
And when you're traveling andyou're in situations where
you're not in your routines,having that, you know, kind of
thought process can be helpfultoo.
Can I add in more vegetables?
(39:46):
Can I add in more water?
Can I add in more movement?
Can I add in my supplements?
Things like that?
Speaker 1 (39:53):
I really like that idea, ashley, of thinking about
what you're doing right tooright.
I can take my supplements, I amdrinking water, I am eating
vegetables, rather than alwayslooking at you know, looking at
what you haven't done, because Ithink a lot of times, you know,
we are not quite, as I don'twant to say, off the program, as
(40:17):
we may think we are right, butif you have that nourishing
mindset, like you said, which Ilove, which is like how can you
continue to nourish yourselfwith what you have at hand?
I really think that thatresonates with me so much, and
eating my vegetable first willbe the easiest change I'm going
(40:38):
to make here in 2023.
I mean, my God.
Speaker 4 (40:42):
It also oh, I was just going to say it also goes
wait, wait, tish.
Speaker 1 (40:46):
It also goes to not eating the bread when they bring
it at a restaurant.
Speaker 4 (40:50):
First right you have to put that aside, and they do
that for a reason.
They do that for a reasonbecause it's going to make your
or increase your cravings,increase your appetite.
They know what they're doing.
Speaker 2 (41:05):
So I did have a question, and this is for both
Lois and Ashley.
A lot of people will betraveling in the car a lot.
Okay, I want to know what your,each of you, what your top
strategy is for eating in thecar, what snack, what meal, what
(41:26):
you know, because a lot ofpeople will be in the car a long
time and hitting all those fastfood restaurants like what is
like your top choice.
So, lois, what about you Top?
Speaker 3 (41:37):
choice for snacks in the car.
Yeah, that's a good questionand that's all about you know,
preparing ahead of time and Ithink, like Ashley was saying,
you know you want your plate tobe balanced, so why not have
snacks that bring some level ofbalance a good quality protein
bar and apple?
(41:58):
You know, get your macroscovered and you know any way
that you can not stop at thosefast food restaurants.
I mean, that just sounds awful.
Long live fast food.
Everybody in the car together.
Oh, that's a big problem.
Speaker 1 (42:18):
We've all been there.
Speaker 3 (42:20):
It does go back to preparing, preparing it,
planning ahead of time.
I think that's key, Ashley.
What do you think?
Speaker 4 (42:29):
So I love chomps chompsix.
I don't know if you've heard ofthose, but they're like the
beef jerky sticks.
Oh yeah yeah, grass fed grassfinished, so higher quality.
You can get a big box of thoseat Costco or Amazon or any
grocery store.
I love those super cleaningredients high in protein.
I always suggest to all myclients just keep a box of those
(42:51):
in your car, even not duringthe holidays for food
emergencies, so you don't gothrough McDonald's, you just
grab a chomps stick.
So chomps sticks like Loismentioned, protein bars, fruit,
cutting up vegetables you canbring, like Costco has the
little single guacamole cupthings.
Or like almond butter packs togo, peanut butter packs to go,
(43:14):
things like that A lot of times.
And it also depends who you'retraveling with.
So I have a lot of clients whothey're not in control of where
the stops are being made, soyou're gonna end up being, you
know, eating at a fast foodrestaurant.
In that case, make the bestoption that you can.
If there's a vegetableavailable, eat the vegetable
(43:37):
first.
That always helps.
Can you get movement?
I'm sure you'll be stopping atrest stops.
My partner, tucker, and I werealways that weird couple at rest
stops, like doing squatsoutside the car, like doing leg
swings, but just getting yourblood flowing, things like that.
But preparation is huge when itcomes to road trips.
Speaker 1 (44:00):
Yeah, and I know Tish is in her car a lot.
She has a job that she drives alot and those chomps sticks.
Speaker 2 (44:05):
I think we've I'm looking at those chomps sticks.
Oh yeah, I'm already on thatone.
Okay, I love that.
Speaker 4 (44:10):
And also the Siete brand amazing, so they make like
crackers, chips, a bunch ofdifferent things.
They use avocado oil.
They taste amazing, so I lovethat brand.
Speaker 1 (44:22):
Yes, I think they're gluten free, because we I'm
gluten free and I've noticed andthey're all over Costco now, so
it's not like you have toreally go to a specialty store
to get that brand.
They have great, great things.
Speaker 2 (44:36):
So good.
Now I wanna bring up anothertopic.
When we think about theholidays, right, we think about
big family gatherings and bigparties with lots of friends and
stuff there.
But you know what?
That's not the case foreveryone, right?
And I think we need to address,you know, something that can be
(44:57):
really tough during theholidays, which is loneliness,
right, I know I'm on this chatwith ladies from the area and
it's called Next Chapter and oneof the ladies had put out there
that she didn't even want todecorate this year because her
daughter had moved away, and itwas like she had just given up
(45:20):
on the holiday and I remember itjust.
It really touched me so deeplywhen I heard that and I reached
out to her and I said you know,why don't you do like a video
chat and decorate your tree withyour daughter, have her send
her a box cookies, or you allcan decorate your trees together
(45:40):
.
I said, don't not have thesemoments and she said, you know
she loved that idea because shereally was just gonna give up on
the holiday because herdaughter wasn't there, and even
though she has a partner andstuff, so, but it got me
thinking about there's a lot ofpeople that are gonna be lonely,
and you know whether it'sliving far apart from family, or
(46:05):
maybe the first year afterlosing a loved one or a
post-worse.
You know, it could be a lot ofdifferent things, but there is
loneliness.
So I wanted to talk a littlebit about staying emotionally
healthy during the holidays andwhat are some of the things that
you think we can do if you'reone of those people in that
(46:25):
situation.
Speaker 3 (46:29):
Yeah, that's a really big one and I think I love your
suggestion that you gave yourfriend.
I mean, you showed her how topivot right, that was a great
suggestion.
But yeah, look, and this isanother thing that is coming up
for me with clients isloneliness just general
loneliness, and it's not justloneliness because you're alone,
(46:51):
it's loneliness because you are, you know, maybe not happy in
your marriage or you have areally toxic family.
So I think, with loneliness, Ithink the first thing to
remember is when we think aboutwhen, tish, when you talk about
the big holiday with lots ofpeople, and there is some of
(47:11):
that, but there are a lot ofpeople who are doing the
holidays alone.
So you're not and again it'slike a reframing You're not
alone in your loneliness, right?
Not that that makes it any lesspainful, but there are so many
people like that who are havingthe holidays alone.
And there are things you can do.
(47:31):
I mean, first of all, youshould be taking really good
care of yourself, some reallygood self-care.
You know, if Christmas is yourholiday, have a lovely bath, you
know, light some candles, havea cocktail or a glass of wine.
So really taking good care ofyourself, loving yourself.
But also you know there areoptions to volunteer.
(47:54):
If you need with other people,you can volunteer, or if there
are friends that you can join,although I know, when we were
talking about this earlierbefore the podcast, that, ellen,
you were saying that one ofyour friends didn't necessarily
want to go be with other people.
That was highlighting the factthat she didn't have her own
(48:15):
people.
So I do think there are waysaround it.
But then the other thing isloneliness.
It is painful, it doesn't feelgood, but we also sometimes do
have to sit in it and justexperience loneliness.
You know, some of it is beingresilient to those emotions.
Speaker 1 (48:39):
And I like, lois, what you said.
I mean I've been in a badmarriage and been the loneliest
around a lot of people, so it'sloneliness is not always
something that is a solitarything, and I think that's a good
thing for folks to remember tooright that it's, and sitting in
(48:59):
it can be hard, hard, hard, buta path forward.
Speaker 2 (49:05):
Yeah, yeah, definitely Ashley, I'm thinking
back to your journaling momentsand stuff like that.
But do you hear your clients,Ashley, talking about their
concerns with loneliness duringthe holiday?
Speaker 4 (49:19):
For sure.
Yeah, it's a very commonfeeling for many women and we
try to brainstorm ways.
I like to ask them, like whatare some things you can do to
fill your cup, or what are somenew hobbies that you can try to
incorporate?
Are there family members orfriends, maybe, who you can
(49:41):
FaceTime or get on Zoom with orget on the phone with and just
have that sort of connection,whatever feels comfortable for
them?
But I really think, whetherit's through journaling or just
thinking about it, thinking ofwhat can bring joy into your
life like you mentioned Tish,your friend who didn't want to
(50:01):
decorate because her daughtermoved away, but I'm sure the
decorations would bring her lotsof joy.
So that is probably just alittle bit of more of a
perspective change, and thatdoesn't mean you need to go all
out the decorations, but justputting a few lights up or doing
whatever makes that personhappy is going to be really
important, and I'm a bigbeliever in like whether it's
(50:22):
during the holidays or not likeromanticizing things.
So I had a client who wentthrough a pretty rough breakup
and she was having a really hardtime being alone in her
apartment.
I was like you know, try toromanticize your dinner.
It's like light a candle, playa podcast, like get some cute
silverware or dishware andthings like that, or play some
(50:43):
Italian music.
You know, try making a newrecipe.
Just whatever you can do tomake things more enjoyable and
more fun.
It can make such a bigdifference.
Speaker 2 (50:55):
I love those suggestions.
I just love that.
That's awesome.
Speaker 1 (50:59):
Me too, and I think romanticizing yourself right is
also something that can happento New Year's Eve, which I know
is also another holiday, likeyou know.
Once we get passed onto NewYear's, that can feel really
lonely for people as well.
Speaker 2 (51:15):
The expectations around New Year's Eve.
Woo, wow, yeah, mm-hmm.
Speaker 1 (51:24):
All right.
Speaker 2 (51:25):
Well, so let's talk a little bit.
Let's just talk a minute or twoabout New Year's.
Do you see a difference?
Did you see people strugglemore with New Year's or more
with the?
You know the Hanukkah and theChristmas.
You know which kind of?
Or is it equal?
Speaker 3 (51:43):
I think that people struggle more with holidays that
are more of a family holiday,like Christmas or Hanukkah, and
honestly, I think in my stage oflife, in midlife, I think a lot
of people are just kind of donewith New Year's.
I mean, that's late, it's pastmy bedtime, it's like a few
hours from bedtime, but I dothink New Year's is definitely
(52:09):
overrated, just like I thinkthese resolutions are overrated.
I'm probably not a great idea,but I do think there's less
opportunity for that moreexistential loneliness over New
Year's than Christmas orHanukkah, which is much more
family-friendly.
Speaker 2 (52:31):
Yeah, I know what everyone thinks of, New Year's
is like the date night.
For me it's so funny.
You know what New Year's was tome.
My parents would always getreal dressed up and go out and I
remember spending New Year'swith my grandmother and we had
to have money in our handsbecause then you'd have money
(52:52):
all year long and we would clinkand bang on pots and pans on
the porch and she made us eatpickled herring.
That's New Year's to me Moneyin the hand, banging on pots,
eating pickled herring.
I didn't like it that.
I don't like it now, but thoseare golden memories for me.
Speaker 1 (53:13):
You know what Tish?
It must have been an upstateNew York thing, because I was
always with my grandparents inSyracuse, you were with yours in
Buffalo and we did bang potsand pans.
Speaker 2 (53:25):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (53:25):
Yeah, I'm not sure we didn't have the money to take
us into the New Year, but I dolike that.
So you know what?
I think it's time for us towrap up this episode and I think
we've covered four or fivereally great topics and really
gone over some ways.
(53:45):
We can all connect withourselves and connect with
others, hold our boundariesright and really change what
we're doing at midlife, reallyestablish new traditions and new
boundaries around our midlifeholidays.
Speaker 2 (54:03):
Yeah, I think you know it's a wonderful reminder,
ellen, you know, to be proactive, not to just sit back and feel
sad and sorry for yourself, butreally, like, take charge of
reimagining, reframing whatthese holidays are and whatnot.
And I can't tell you, ashleyand Lois, thank you so much for
(54:26):
being here.
I was wondering if I could slipin just a little question, and
Ashley Lois knows this question,but we're going to start with
you, ashley, if you could tellpeople what your superpower is,
what would your superpower be?
Speaker 4 (54:45):
Oh, that's a great question.
I would say, honestly,listening, like genuinely
listening, I think you know,these days it's hard to find
people to listen, to slow down,and I thought, lois, obviously
(55:07):
this is probably one of hersuperpowers too.
But to ask questions, to listen, to be curious about, you know,
whether I'm doing that with myclients or my friends or my
family members, it's so specialto be able to experience life
with all of the people thatwe're experiencing life with at
(55:27):
the same time, and so being ableto sit down, take the time and
listen to their stories and whatthey have to say.
I would say that's it.
Speaker 2 (55:38):
Oh, I love that and I think it's a holiday.
I think everyone should likeadopt that superpower at their
next family gathering Listen,yes, and ask questions before
some of these relatives are gone.
Speaker 1 (55:53):
Yeah, be curious, be curious.
Speaker 2 (55:58):
Lois, lois.
What are you going to claim isyour superpower du jour.
Speaker 3 (56:03):
It's similar to Ashley's and in fact I was
having a conversation with aclient about this today, about
actually somebody who isstarting to date and doesn't
know how to start conversationsin dating, and I was saying if
you are genuinely curious aboutpeople and you can ask the
(56:25):
deeper questions that getunderneath, like the many
underneath, many layeredquestions, that's going to make
your dating experience much morepowerful and interesting.
So I would say that is mysuperpower is asking the right
question that kind of gets tothe nuggets and gets to the
(56:49):
essence of who people are,because that's more interesting
to me honestly.
You know the deep end stuff.
Speaker 1 (56:57):
Right, right, I love it.
There's a great book.
Speaker 4 (57:00):
There's a great book called Ask.
I think it's just ask.
It's a really easy read and Iwish I could remember the author
.
But I could send it to you guysif you want.
But you know, in line with allthat, it's really great about
how to ask the right questionsand yeah.
Speaker 2 (57:18):
Oh, I love that.
I love that Awesome, thank you.
Speaker 1 (57:22):
Yeah, I just wanted to say, you know, I heard
boundaries, I heard the wordsgrace, which you know, tish and
I.
I think that has to be our wordof the year and I loved hearing
that pivot self care, self love.
Ashley, you said this.
I thought it was so profoundFill your cup.
How can you fill your cuparound the holidays?
(57:45):
Right?
And I think that that's areally great thing.
I think we've covered so manygreat strategies and ideas for
people to really have a healthyholiday here in 2023.
And this is our last episode ofthe year, so I'd have to say we
are honored to have both of youwith us.
Speaker 2 (58:07):
Yeah thank you, it's wonderful.
Speaker 3 (58:09):
It's wonderful to be here again.
Speaker 2 (58:11):
Thanks so much and you know to our listeners we've
covered some.
You know key areas and you know, going deep into these holidays
, right, and going into 2024,that that we know they're going
to be helpful for you, right.
And I want to give a shout outto some of our listeners, you
know, just to recognize that wesee you, we can see where our
(58:34):
listeners are coming to us from,right, and so I want to give a
shout out to Melbourne,australia, reno, nevada and New
Britain, connecticut.
Okay, that's just some of themand we love having you as part
of our tribe and please continueto share our podcast with your
(58:54):
own tribes.
So stay tuned till next time aswe continue our journey of
embracing life's adventure atevery age.
Speaker 1 (59:05):
That's right.
Stay positive, stay strong,keep discovering.
Visit us atPositivelyMidlifePodcastcom.
Until next time, till 2024,midlifers.
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