June 4, 2025 • 27 mins
I always thought once I got the dream life—traveling full-time in a van, chasing the Pan-American Highway, waking up in epic places—I’d finally be happy. But here’s the plot twist: I got everything I wanted… and still felt like a mess inside.
In this episode, I talk about the emotional side of van life that rarely makes it into the Instagram captions. The quiet pressure to “make the most of it,” the guilt of not feeling grateful enough, and the realization that external freedom doesn’t fix your internal stuff.
It’s part travel diary, part emotional spiral, and a reminder that healing doesn’t stop just because your surroundings are beautiful.
We’ll talk about:
• What happens when the dream life still feels heavy
• Travel burnout and mental health on the road
• Learning how to slow down, reconnect, and actually enjoy the life you worked so hard to build
If you’ve ever chased something big and still felt stuck or unfulfilled, you’re not alone. This one’s for the overthinkers, the travelers, and the humans trying to figure it all out.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
So here's a wild one.
I got the dream life I alwayswanted and forgot how to enjoy
it.
Seriously.
Waking up in wild places, teawith mountain views, driving
wherever we want, that kind ofdream.
Hey, I'm Krista, and welcome toPostcards I Never Sent.
I'm currently somewhere in a vanbetween Alaska and Argentina,
(00:20):
emotionally and geographically.
This podcast is part traveldiary, part spiraling, mostly
human AF.
This is where I say all thethings I never put into
captions, the conversations Iwas too scared to have, and the
thoughts I scribbled intonotebooks that never made it to
the mailbox.
It's not about pretending I havethe answers.
It's about sharing the mess, themagic, and everything in
(00:42):
between.
I'm just trying to make sense ofit all and maybe help you feel a
little more seen in the process.
This episode is a bit of abackstory but also an honest
look at what happens when youfinally get the life you wanted
and it still doesn't feel likeenough.
The dream was real.
I wanted to do van life sincehigh school.
(01:03):
The freedom, the adventure, thewaking up in the middle of
nowhere type of vibe.
And somewhere along the way,driving the entire Pan American
Highway became the ultimatedream.
From Alaska to Argentina, thatwas the goal.
I mean, who doesn't want to goon an epic road trip through
more countries than you cancount on both hands?
(01:25):
But for years, I was too scared,too broke, too unsure.
Then I met Will, and everythingkind of aligned.
We had the same dream, the samedrive, and suddenly I was in it.
Living the life I used to dreamabout every day.
But here's the thing no onetells you.
You can have the dream life andstill not feel good.
(01:48):
You can be surrounded by epicmountains, turquoise water, and
freedom, and still feel numb.
Or worse, like you're failing atbeing happy.
Over time, I realized if yourinner world is a mess, your
dreams can't fix it.
So let's back up a bit.
My love for travel started inhigh school after a few trips to
(02:08):
resorts with my family, but atrip to Panama with friends and
a biology teacher is what mademe fall in love with real
adventure.
This wasn't a regular vacation,like a sitting on the beach,
tasty drinks, andall-you-can-eat buffets.
It was a life-changing trip forme.
There was a whole group of us,me and some friends, that
(02:29):
decided to go on this trip whenwe heard it on the
announcements.
We're like, heck yeah, thatsounds awesome.
It was originally supposed to beto Peru, but then after we'd
signed up, about a month later,the biology teacher changed it
to Panama, and we're like, whatthe heck's in Panama?
Like, weird.
We weren't fully on board withPanama, but we had already
(02:51):
signed up and we're like, youknow what?
We're going on an adventure.
And it turned out to be one heckof an adventure.
We explored rainforests.
We went to the middle ofnowhere, to the Embra village
where there's just people livingoff the land and living in
little huts, no technology andnot much connection to nature.
(03:13):
like regular life like usthey're just in the middle of
nowhere it was like an hour longboat ride down a river and it
was one of the coolestexperiences I've ever had we
went to the sandblast islands wejumped out of the boat in the
middle of the ocean and wentsnorkeling we heard howler
(03:34):
monkeys in the jungle and sawall kinds of animals and we
learned about them because ourteacher was a biology teacher
and we had a tour guide and itwas the most epic trip I'd ever
done and it still lives in myheart and it's still one of my
favorite adventures I've everbeen on.
(03:55):
So after that trip I decided Iwanted to take a gap year or try
van life but I was told that Ishould probably go to college
first.
So I did.
I picked something I wasslightly interested in, dropped
out, tried again the next year,dropped out again, then I worked
in a again a few years later,finally graduating with a social
(04:17):
service work diploma.
Somewhere in between all ofthat, I lost myself in toxic
relationships.
One where I felt like I had toearn love.
Where I felt like I had tochange who I was to fit their
life better.
Where I had to become smallerand quieter.
My anxiety and depression gotworse.
My confidence tanked.
(04:39):
My self-esteem was completelydiminished.
I even gave up my dream life fortravel because they simply
didn't have the same dream.
I also had a beauty YouTubechannel back then.
It was growing and it wassomething I actually enjoyed for
a time.
It replaced my dream for travelbecause if I couldn't travel, I
(05:00):
needed something else.
Then one day it got terminated.
randomly and unfairly.
It crushed me and it felt likemy life was falling apart.
Probably sounds a little bitdramatic, but it was my new
dream and it was being rippedfrom me just like the last one.
My partner at the time said,crying won't fix anything and
(05:21):
it's just YouTube, findsomething else instead.
I know, that's super helpful andsuper supportive, right?
I ended up leaving thatrelationship a few months later.
But yeah, years later, YouTubeactually admitted that they'd
made a mistake and terminated mewrongfully against their own
terms of service after I tweetedat them like a hundred times
(05:43):
with their TOS saying, youwrongfully terminated me against
your own TOS.
Give me my channel back.
And this was years later.
I literally did not want mybeauty YouTube channel back.
I'd I just wanted to be able tostart a new channel.
Because once you get terminated,apparently, you can't start a
new channel.
But yeah, I just wanted to starta new channel.
(06:05):
I wanted it to be a travelchannel, which is now called
Krista's Compass.
So going back to where we were,I had a new dream.
After my YouTube channel gotterminated, I decided that I
wanted to work in film and tryacting.
It's a little far-fetched, but Ithought I'd give it a shot.
So I moved to Toronto.
(06:25):
I took a shot at working infilm.
I had a few gigs as a productionassistant and a few as a set
dresser.
And I actually enjoyed it.
I even helped with a small indiefilm with some assistant
directors who work on TheExpanse and some other fairly
big TV shows that are filmed inToronto.
Which also almost led me totaking a mentorship to become an
(06:47):
assistant director.
I mean, that's pretty wild.
Two of them even wrote me aletter of recommendation.
I don't remember why I backedout exactly, but I ended up
backing out.
And then I just didn't have themotivation to get out and find
other films at work.
My inner world was still a wreckand I spiraled hard and went
(07:07):
through probably what I'd say isthe most low period of my life.
At that time, I would lay in beduntil 2pm until I finally would
decide to get up and move to thecouch to watch Friends.
I would lay on the couch untilabout 2am While binge eating the
crappiest foods, I'd cry a lot,a lot of the day, and I barely
(07:31):
ever left my apartment, and Iwould say the meanest things to
myself.
I actually low-key hated myself.
I was a mess, and nobody knewit.
Friends was the one thing thatkept me going and would put a
smile on my face.
It's now my comfort show.
As soon as I finish the series,I put on the first episode of
(07:52):
the first season again.
It's just always going onrepeat.
At some point during my spiral,I remembered there was a nice
nature park called High Park afew subway stops away, so I
went.
Something inside shifted, I feltgood, and I felt more at peace
being out in nature.
I went back again and again,bringing my camera, and I
(08:13):
finally reconnected to what Iloved.
Nature.
Adventure.
and my love for travel.
Not long after that, thepremiere of Game of Thrones, the
final season, was airing, and ithad become a family tradition to
watch it all together, so Idecided to take a quick trip
home to watch it with my family.
I did not want to miss that.
(08:34):
I felt so sad missing that, so Ihad to go.
And on the bus ride home in themiddle of the night, I remember
waking up an hour from home.
It had just snowed.
The sun was just rising.
And the snow was glisteningbeautifully on the trees.
I teared up.
I would have sobbed if itweren't for the 30 other people
(08:55):
on the bus.
That would have been superembarrassing.
But a quick weekend trip hometurned into a week, turned into
a month, and then two months,and then it just turned into
staying home.
I made a few trips back toToronto for some gigs as a set
dresser, but other than that,home was where I was staying.
(09:16):
At least for now.
Over the next few years, I hadlots of ups and downs.
I got a part-time job.
I quit to travel solo full-time.
Then COVID hit.
My plans, like many others, gotobliterated.
I was so close to having thedream life, and it was ripped
from my hands right at the lastsecond.
So I was feeling pretty crushed.
(09:38):
I'd actually...
quit my job and I was going tomeet a couple of friends in Bali
and spend a couple months there.
Then I was going to go to EastJava, Komodo Islands, a bunch of
places in Indonesia.
And then I was planning to headup to the Philippines and spend
several months there.
And then from there, I didn'treally have a plan.
I just knew that I was going tobe traveling full-time solo and
(10:01):
I was scared shitless, but alsosuper stoked.
But yeah, COVID sucked and itwas scary for a my job back but
full-time.
Eventually when COVID settleddown I was told that I'd have to
go back down to part-time.
I enjoyed the job but having myincome drop 60% wasn't really
(10:21):
ideal so I had to get anotherjob.
I ended up finding a good jobwithin my own community which I
stayed at for about two and ahalf years and during all this
time I had more toxicrelationships resulting in worse
self-esteem and self-worthissues.
I started having brain fog andAnd feeling fatigued, headaches,
(10:42):
stomach pains, my heart wouldrace for no reason.
I felt empty inside every nowand then.
I would toss and turn until 3ammore often than not.
Sleep deprivation was my middlename.
It got worse and worse as timewent on.
I started to feel how it feltback in Toronto, except I had
(11:02):
love and support around me.
I didn't turn to my loved onesfor support, but just being
around them helped me enough.
As things opened Ended up, Iwent on a few trips with a
friend and then planned a tripon my own.
Then I met Will.
We quickly realized we had theexact same dream while watching
a meteor shower in WashingtonState.
We both wanted to live the vanlife and travel the Pan American
(11:24):
Highway, the longest road in theworld.
We decided to do it together.
Van life, full time.
About six months later, I leftmy job and my family behind.
It was one of the scariest andmost difficult things I've ever
done in my life.
Leaving a somewhat stable jobwas terrifying.
It provided me with at least alittle bit of stability in my
(11:45):
life since my emotionalstability wasn't so great.
But leaving my favorite peoplein the world and knowing that
I'd be missing out on mynibblings growing up was the
hardest.
I discovered nibblings is areally cute word for nieces and
nephews so now I use it all thetime because it's pretty
awesome.
But this was my dream and it hadbeen for at least 10 years.
(12:07):
So I had to do it.
We hit the road and And wefinally began my dream life.
Now don't get me wrong, van lifehas been amazing.
I've been to so many incredibleplaces, went on some pretty cool
adventures, and met some veryinteresting people.
But it's also been really hard.
I was still dealing with thesame internal struggles, and I
(12:30):
didn't understand why.
The fatigue, brain fog, stomachpains, 3am wake up calls to pee,
tossing and turning for hoursbefore finally falling asleep,
daily headaches, none of it wentaway.
I felt irritable way too often.
I think a lot of the go-go-gotravel lifestyle we began with
didn't really help.
(12:50):
I didn't have time to rest and Ifelt a lack of control.
We needed to learn that this wasa lifestyle, not a never-ending
one-week vacation.
I just remembered sitting in acrazy beautiful place and just
wondering why the heck am ifeeling so crappy like why am i
sad why do i feel so empty i'mdoing exactly what i want with
(13:13):
my life but yet i'm sitting herelooking at these beautiful
mountains and i all i can thinkof to do is just cry and it felt
really crappy like my head'sscreaming at me asking me why
aren't you enjoying this but AllI can do is wonder what the
heck's wrong with me.
I just didn't understand why Iwas still having the same
(13:36):
problems.
After a while, I started tothink something was seriously
wrong with me.
Like, actually.
So, five months into ourtravels, I finally saw a doctor
in Whitehorse to get some bloodwork and explain what the heck
was going on.
I took note on my phone of allthe issues I was dealing with
physically and mentally.
He gave me two questionnaires tofill out and a form for blood
(13:57):
work.
The blood work came back normal,apparently, and the diagnosis?
Moderate to severe depressionand anxiety.
Of course he had already told methis was the likely issue before
sending me for the blood work,but he still sent me anyways to
be sure that nothing else wasgoing on.
He gave me a pep talk, suggesteda book, and recommended therapy.
(14:19):
Honestly, I don't know that Iwas really relieved to know.
I think I was more relieved tofind out that, you know, I don't
have some serious internalissues like physical issues.
I just felt...
kind of weird and kind of likeokay I guess I was right all
this time like my suspicionswere right I just didn't realize
(14:39):
that it could mess you up thismuch um Will was super helpful
he was super supportive and hewas like well you know what
we'll do whatever it is that youneed to do to get better we
ended up going to a store andgetting like five different um
(15:00):
vitamins for me to take, likesupplements, and I got a neti
pot.
Don't ask me why I got the netipot.
I just always had a stuffy nose,and I was like, okay, neti pot's
gonna help with this.
It's gonna solve a lot of myproblems.
And so I got a neti pot.
I used it twice, and then I gotrid of it.
It's pretty miserable to use, tobe honest.
(15:21):
But in all honesty, it didn'thit me all that hard.
I wasn't shocked.
not in the slightest.
I already sort of knew that thatwas what was going on.
But like I said, I just didn'treally realize that it would
affect me in that many differentways.
It was just sort of aconfirmation and sort of a wake
up call at the same time.
(15:42):
But I finally accepted that Ineeded to deal with the internal
struggles.
But at the same time, all Icould think was like, how could
I be this unhappy?
I have one of the most lovingand supportive families you
could ever imagine.
I have a great partner, a fewreally good close friends.
(16:02):
My childhood wasn't traumatic inthe slightest.
Like, what the hell's wrong withme?
I'm literally living my dreamlife.
I live in a van.
I'm in the Yukon.
I'm seeing new beautiful placesevery few days.
I'm traveling the Pan AmericanHighway with someone who has the
exact same dream as me.
Like, it can't really get muchbetter than that.
(16:26):
But I kept thinking, wasn't thissupposed to fix me?
And that thought scared mebecause it still meant I had
work to do, even here.
It's one of those things whereyou think, once I get this, I'll
be happy.
Once I achieve this, I'll behappy.
Once I can do this, I will behappy.
(16:47):
But I guess that's not true,after all.
And what makes it harder isfeeling like I should be happy.
That toxic little voice thatsays, you have nothing to
complain about.
Other people would kill to havethis life.
Or, so many people have it somuch worse than you.
Which they do.
I so know that.
(17:08):
Believe me.
I know.
That voice doesn't make theemptiness go away.
It just makes you feel guilty ontop of it.
But that's the thing.
Depression doesn't care aboutyour highlight reel.
When your brain's chemistry isoff and your past has convinced
you that you're not enough ortoo much or just wrong, you
(17:29):
carry that with you.
Because as it turns out, youcan't escape your inner world
just by changing your view.
And if you're in the thick of itlike I was, and sometimes still
am, this next part's for you.
You're not alone.
You don't have to prove anythingto anyone.
anyone has ever hurt you in thepast, that doesn't define you.
(17:54):
It doesn't define you.
You are not what they say toyou.
You are who you choose to be.
How someone has treated you inthe past does not define you.
It just speaks loudly abouttheir own character and the type
of person that they are.
(18:14):
Just because someone treats youlike you're worthless it doesn't
mean that you are worthless.
You can literally haveeverything you wanted and still
be struggling.
Because if you don't heal what'sunderneath, the dream life can
feel just as hollow.
You see it in so manycelebrities.
Fame, money, beauty, stilldeeply unhappy.
(18:36):
Because their inner world is amess.
Now I'm not comparing myself tosome pop stars, but I get it
now.
And so many people judge themthinking, if I had all that
money, I'd be so happy.
Or what do they have to bemiserable about?
They're rich and famous, butit's not about that.
It truly is not about that.
(18:59):
I think a lot of us chase aversion of happiness that looks
good from the outside.
And when we don't feel it, weassume we're broken.
But maybe it's not about doingit wrong.
Maybe it's about feeling all ofit.
even when it's inconvenient,even when it doesn't make sense.
(19:20):
After Alaska, I went home forthe holidays.
It was supposed to be for amonth, but it turned into two
and a half months for variousreasons.
I needed the warmth, stability,a proper kitchen, to be close to
my family, and honestly, Ireally, really needed that.
When I was home, that's when Ireally started digging into what
(19:40):
could be going on inside mybody.
I've learned that anxiety anddepression are strongly
connected to hormone andcortisol imbalances, and all of
that also links to shitty guthealth.
I read everything I could findabout cortisol dysregulation,
hormone imbalances, and guthealth to try to figure it all
out.
I started trying little thingslike cutting out inflammatory
(20:03):
foods, tracking my cycle, doingbreath work, coming up with a
detailed plan of all thesethings that I need to do to help
get things back in check.
I implemented these things andeven got my mom on the gut
healing cleanse, which I was alittle more than strict with her
about, giving her lectures aboutcheat meals and blah blah blah.
Sorry mom.
(20:23):
She was along for the ride, butit wasn't something that was
quite as important to her as itwas to me.
I was strict on her because Iwas strict on me.
Then I hit the road again.
Not perfectly healed, but atleast I had a plan to continue
following.
A few weeks after being on theroad and implementing what I'd
learned, my brain fog,headaches, and fatigue lessened.
(20:45):
I didn't have daily crashesaround noon where my brain
couldn't process anymore.
I had more energy than I had inover two years.
I wasn't waking up at 3am everynight to pee anymore.
I was able to fall asleep within10 minutes of laying in bed.
It was a friggin' miracle.
Still not perfect, but it feltgood to be even 20% better than
(21:08):
I had been in the last twoyears.
Now I'm continuing to do thework.
I'm reading every self-help bookI can, working through CBT,
journaling, meditating,breathwork, touching grass,
literally, except here in Baja,so I'm touching sand instead.
But at this point, I have enoughself-help books to start a
(21:28):
library and enough half-filledjournals to wallpaper the van at
least 20 times.
Have an extensive morningroutine.
Wake up, hydrate withelectrolytes, 10 minutes of
sunlight, cold water splash tothe face, lymphatic massage, 15
minutes of movement practice, aquick workout, walking barefoot,
skincare, reading, morningpages.
(21:50):
and 10 minutes of mindfulpractice.
And that doesn't include eatinga healthy complete breakfast,
drinking gut-soothing tea whileI'm reading, my elix drops, or
my few supplements that Iliterally always forget to take.
I even have an evening routinethat I don't always follow
through with.
When it comes to self-helptools, you name it, I'm either
(22:11):
doing it, tried it, or it's onmy never-ending list of things
to try.
All of these things areintentional and help me in
different areas of my life,whether it's lowering cortisol,
balancing hormones, or justhelping me get my brain to shut
the hell up.
It's extensive, yes.
Do I get everything done on mylong list of things to do every
single day?
(22:31):
Not even close.
At first, I put lots of pressureon myself to get it all done,
but I've learned to go a littleeasier on myself.
As long as I check off a fewtasks from my long list of
things to do, I'm doing betterfor myself than I was before.
Even completing four things onmy list will help me improve my
well-being in some way.
(22:51):
If you force yourself to do itall, the self-help tools aren't
even going to be helping you atthis point.
You're just going to create moreoverwhelm and the feeling that
you aren't doing enough.
I went a little overboard withmy shit, let's be real, but you
really don't have to.
All you need are a couple oftools, a couple of things to
help you in different areas ofyour life to help you heal.
(23:11):
It is a slow process, but youwill get there.
If I had to name a few thingsthat helped me the most, it's
the smallest stuff.
like stepping out of the van andgoing for a walk when I didn't
want to, drinking a cuteaesthetic drink in my cute glass
cups, watching Studio Ghiblimovies, morning pages
journaling, creative journaling,giving my family a call when I
(23:34):
miss them, which is literallyall day every day, but obviously
I can't be on the phone withthem 24-7, so now I mainly call
them during my grocery shoppingtime, where my anxiety and
overwhelm is at its highest.
Of course, I call them otherrandom times too.
And whenever there's a bigfamily gathering that I'm
heartbroken about missing, it'sthe little things that always
(23:58):
make the biggest difference.
It doesn't matter how small itis.
If it's something that youenjoy, it'll probably help you.
And also, I don't know what yourversion of a cute aesthetic
drink is, but I hope you haveone.
Honestly, message me what it is.
I collect emotional supportbeverages now.
Honestly, it didn't fixeverything.
(24:20):
And it won't.
Not for a while.
Some days I feel better.
Some days I still spiral.
But I'm trying.
Healing takes time.
Will knows whenever I have anoff day, and he's super
supportive during these harderdays.
His instinct now is to eitherput on Friends, Studio Ghibli
lo-fi music, or my BFF Tay-Tay.
(24:42):
Sometimes I'm not in the moodfor it, but he still does it,
and eventually I'll startlaughing at a joke Chandler made
or singing along with Tay-Tay orto one of the Totoro songs, and
it does help.
Those are a few very smallthings that just can change my
mood and even bring the smallestamount of joy into my life, and
(25:02):
you should find those littlethings too.
This has been a big lesson forme, one that I didn't really see
coming, and one that I've beenstruggling with accepting how it
could even be possible.
I have accepted that the anxietyand depression are there, but
accepting the fact that it'spossible is hard.
Because how can I be unhappy orlost when I'm always in such
(25:23):
beautiful places?
But now I know that my innerworld needs a lot of love and
compassion.
Because healing isn't linear.
Dreams don't come with aguarantee of happiness.
And sometimes the version of youthat fought so hard to get here
still needs to be held.
Okay, before I write thisimaginary postcard, let me just
(25:44):
say this was really, really hardto talk about.
I rewrote this script about 37times.
I mean, there's something so...
weirdly vulnerable about sayingthat you're living your dream
and still not completely okay.
But that's the point of thispodcast, right?
(26:06):
If I were to write a postcardabout this part of the journey,
it would say, This isn't what Iimagined.
It's messier, slower, harder.
But I'm here.
And I'm working on it.
That has to be enough.
Maybe the destination isn't aplace.
Maybe it's within.
And if that's you right now, ifyou're living a life you worked
(26:29):
hard to build and you still feeloff, I see you.
You're not ungrateful.
You're not broken.
You're just healing.
Maybe it's not that you're doingit wrong.
Maybe you're just human.
This is Postcards I Never Sent.
I'll see you in the next one,probably somewhere new, slightly
(26:51):
unhinged, and of course, stillfiguring it out.
If this episode resonated withyou, it would mean the world if
you left a review.
It helps more than you know, andit's one of the best ways to
help other messy, curious humansfind this little corner of the
internet.
So here's a wild one.
I got the dream life I alwayswanted and forgot how to enjoy
it.
Seriously.
Waking up in wild places, teawith mountain views, driving
wherever we want, that kind ofdream.
Hey, I'm Krista, and welcome toPostcards I Never Sent.
I'm currently somewhere in a vanbetween Alaska and Argentina,
(00:20):
emotionally and geographically.
This podcast is part traveldiary, part spiraling, mostly
human AF.
This is where I say all thethings I never put into
captions, the conversations Iwas too scared to have, and the
thoughts I scribbled intonotebooks that never made it to
the mailbox.
It's not about pretending I havethe answers.
It's about sharing the mess, themagic, and everything in
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between.
I'm just trying to make sense ofit all and maybe help you feel a
little more seen in the process.
This episode is a bit of abackstory but also an honest
look at what happens when youfinally get the life you wanted
and it still doesn't feel likeenough.
The dream was real.
I wanted to do van life sincehigh school.
(01:03):
The freedom, the adventure, thewaking up in the middle of
nowhere type of vibe.
And somewhere along the way,driving the entire Pan American
Highway became the ultimatedream.
From Alaska to Argentina, thatwas the goal.
I mean, who doesn't want to goon an epic road trip through
more countries than you cancount on both hands?
(01:25):
But for years, I was too scared,too broke, too unsure.
Then I met Will, and everythingkind of aligned.
We had the same dream, the samedrive, and suddenly I was in it.
Living the life I used to dreamabout every day.
But here's the thing no onetells you.
You can have the dream life andstill not feel good.
(01:48):
You can be surrounded by epicmountains, turquoise water, and
freedom, and still feel numb.
Or worse, like you're failing atbeing happy.
Over time, I realized if yourinner world is a mess, your
dreams can't fix it.
So let's back up a bit.
My love for travel started inhigh school after a few trips to
(02:08):
resorts with my family, but atrip to Panama with friends and
a biology teacher is what mademe fall in love with real
adventure.
This wasn't a regular vacation,like a sitting on the beach,
tasty drinks, andall-you-can-eat buffets.
It was a life-changing trip forme.
There was a whole group of us,me and some friends, that
(02:29):
decided to go on this trip whenwe heard it on the
announcements.
We're like, heck yeah, thatsounds awesome.
It was originally supposed to beto Peru, but then after we'd
signed up, about a month later,the biology teacher changed it
to Panama, and we're like, whatthe heck's in Panama?
Like, weird.
We weren't fully on board withPanama, but we had already
(02:51):
signed up and we're like, youknow what?
We're going on an adventure.
And it turned out to be one heckof an adventure.
We explored rainforests.
We went to the middle ofnowhere, to the Embra village
where there's just people livingoff the land and living in
little huts, no technology andnot much connection to nature.
(03:13):
like regular life like usthey're just in the middle of
nowhere it was like an hour longboat ride down a river and it
was one of the coolestexperiences I've ever had we
went to the sandblast islands wejumped out of the boat in the
middle of the ocean and wentsnorkeling we heard howler
(03:34):
monkeys in the jungle and sawall kinds of animals and we
learned about them because ourteacher was a biology teacher
and we had a tour guide and itwas the most epic trip I'd ever
done and it still lives in myheart and it's still one of my
favorite adventures I've everbeen on.
(03:55):
So after that trip I decided Iwanted to take a gap year or try
van life but I was told that Ishould probably go to college
first.
So I did.
I picked something I wasslightly interested in, dropped
out, tried again the next year,dropped out again, then I worked
in a again a few years later,finally graduating with a social
(04:17):
service work diploma.
Somewhere in between all ofthat, I lost myself in toxic
relationships.
One where I felt like I had toearn love.
Where I felt like I had tochange who I was to fit their
life better.
Where I had to become smallerand quieter.
My anxiety and depression gotworse.
My confidence tanked.
(04:39):
My self-esteem was completelydiminished.
I even gave up my dream life fortravel because they simply
didn't have the same dream.
I also had a beauty YouTubechannel back then.
It was growing and it wassomething I actually enjoyed for
a time.
It replaced my dream for travelbecause if I couldn't travel, I
(05:00):
needed something else.
Then one day it got terminated.
randomly and unfairly.
It crushed me and it felt likemy life was falling apart.
Probably sounds a little bitdramatic, but it was my new
dream and it was being rippedfrom me just like the last one.
My partner at the time said,crying won't fix anything and
(05:21):
it's just YouTube, findsomething else instead.
I know, that's super helpful andsuper supportive, right?
I ended up leaving thatrelationship a few months later.
But yeah, years later, YouTubeactually admitted that they'd
made a mistake and terminated mewrongfully against their own
terms of service after I tweetedat them like a hundred times
(05:43):
with their TOS saying, youwrongfully terminated me against
your own TOS.
Give me my channel back.
And this was years later.
I literally did not want mybeauty YouTube channel back.
I'd I just wanted to be able tostart a new channel.
Because once you get terminated,apparently, you can't start a
new channel.
But yeah, I just wanted to starta new channel.
(06:05):
I wanted it to be a travelchannel, which is now called
Krista's Compass.
So going back to where we were,I had a new dream.
After my YouTube channel gotterminated, I decided that I
wanted to work in film and tryacting.
It's a little far-fetched, but Ithought I'd give it a shot.
So I moved to Toronto.
(06:25):
I took a shot at working infilm.
I had a few gigs as a productionassistant and a few as a set
dresser.
And I actually enjoyed it.
I even helped with a small indiefilm with some assistant
directors who work on TheExpanse and some other fairly
big TV shows that are filmed inToronto.
Which also almost led me totaking a mentorship to become an
(06:47):
assistant director.
I mean, that's pretty wild.
Two of them even wrote me aletter of recommendation.
I don't remember why I backedout exactly, but I ended up
backing out.
And then I just didn't have themotivation to get out and find
other films at work.
My inner world was still a wreckand I spiraled hard and went
(07:07):
through probably what I'd say isthe most low period of my life.
At that time, I would lay in beduntil 2pm until I finally would
decide to get up and move to thecouch to watch Friends.
I would lay on the couch untilabout 2am While binge eating the
crappiest foods, I'd cry a lot,a lot of the day, and I barely
(07:31):
ever left my apartment, and Iwould say the meanest things to
myself.
I actually low-key hated myself.
I was a mess, and nobody knewit.
Friends was the one thing thatkept me going and would put a
smile on my face.
It's now my comfort show.
As soon as I finish the series,I put on the first episode of
(07:52):
the first season again.
It's just always going onrepeat.
At some point during my spiral,I remembered there was a nice
nature park called High Park afew subway stops away, so I
went.
Something inside shifted, I feltgood, and I felt more at peace
being out in nature.
I went back again and again,bringing my camera, and I
(08:13):
finally reconnected to what Iloved.
Nature.
Adventure.
and my love for travel.
Not long after that, thepremiere of Game of Thrones, the
final season, was airing, and ithad become a family tradition to
watch it all together, so Idecided to take a quick trip
home to watch it with my family.
I did not want to miss that.
(08:34):
I felt so sad missing that, so Ihad to go.
And on the bus ride home in themiddle of the night, I remember
waking up an hour from home.
It had just snowed.
The sun was just rising.
And the snow was glisteningbeautifully on the trees.
I teared up.
I would have sobbed if itweren't for the 30 other people
(08:55):
on the bus.
That would have been superembarrassing.
But a quick weekend trip hometurned into a week, turned into
a month, and then two months,and then it just turned into
staying home.
I made a few trips back toToronto for some gigs as a set
dresser, but other than that,home was where I was staying.
(09:16):
At least for now.
Over the next few years, I hadlots of ups and downs.
I got a part-time job.
I quit to travel solo full-time.
Then COVID hit.
My plans, like many others, gotobliterated.
I was so close to having thedream life, and it was ripped
from my hands right at the lastsecond.
So I was feeling pretty crushed.
(09:38):
I'd actually...
quit my job and I was going tomeet a couple of friends in Bali
and spend a couple months there.
Then I was going to go to EastJava, Komodo Islands, a bunch of
places in Indonesia.
And then I was planning to headup to the Philippines and spend
several months there.
And then from there, I didn'treally have a plan.
I just knew that I was going tobe traveling full-time solo and
(10:01):
I was scared shitless, but alsosuper stoked.
But yeah, COVID sucked and itwas scary for a my job back but
full-time.
Eventually when COVID settleddown I was told that I'd have to
go back down to part-time.
I enjoyed the job but having myincome drop 60% wasn't really
(10:21):
ideal so I had to get anotherjob.
I ended up finding a good jobwithin my own community which I
stayed at for about two and ahalf years and during all this
time I had more toxicrelationships resulting in worse
self-esteem and self-worthissues.
I started having brain fog andAnd feeling fatigued, headaches,
(10:42):
stomach pains, my heart wouldrace for no reason.
I felt empty inside every nowand then.
I would toss and turn until 3ammore often than not.
Sleep deprivation was my middlename.
It got worse and worse as timewent on.
I started to feel how it feltback in Toronto, except I had
(11:02):
love and support around me.
I didn't turn to my loved onesfor support, but just being
around them helped me enough.
As things opened Ended up, Iwent on a few trips with a
friend and then planned a tripon my own.
Then I met Will.
We quickly realized we had theexact same dream while watching
a meteor shower in WashingtonState.
We both wanted to live the vanlife and travel the Pan American
(11:24):
Highway, the longest road in theworld.
We decided to do it together.
Van life, full time.
About six months later, I leftmy job and my family behind.
It was one of the scariest andmost difficult things I've ever
done in my life.
Leaving a somewhat stable jobwas terrifying.
It provided me with at least alittle bit of stability in my
(11:45):
life since my emotionalstability wasn't so great.
But leaving my favorite peoplein the world and knowing that
I'd be missing out on mynibblings growing up was the
hardest.
I discovered nibblings is areally cute word for nieces and
nephews so now I use it all thetime because it's pretty
awesome.
But this was my dream and it hadbeen for at least 10 years.
(12:07):
So I had to do it.
We hit the road and And wefinally began my dream life.
Now don't get me wrong, van lifehas been amazing.
I've been to so many incredibleplaces, went on some pretty cool
adventures, and met some veryinteresting people.
But it's also been really hard.
I was still dealing with thesame internal struggles, and I
(12:30):
didn't understand why.
The fatigue, brain fog, stomachpains, 3am wake up calls to pee,
tossing and turning for hoursbefore finally falling asleep,
daily headaches, none of it wentaway.
I felt irritable way too often.
I think a lot of the go-go-gotravel lifestyle we began with
didn't really help.
(12:50):
I didn't have time to rest and Ifelt a lack of control.
We needed to learn that this wasa lifestyle, not a never-ending
one-week vacation.
I just remembered sitting in acrazy beautiful place and just
wondering why the heck am ifeeling so crappy like why am i
sad why do i feel so empty i'mdoing exactly what i want with
(13:13):
my life but yet i'm sitting herelooking at these beautiful
mountains and i all i can thinkof to do is just cry and it felt
really crappy like my head'sscreaming at me asking me why
aren't you enjoying this but AllI can do is wonder what the
heck's wrong with me.
I just didn't understand why Iwas still having the same
(13:36):
problems.
After a while, I started tothink something was seriously
wrong with me.
Like, actually.
So, five months into ourtravels, I finally saw a doctor
in Whitehorse to get some bloodwork and explain what the heck
was going on.
I took note on my phone of allthe issues I was dealing with
physically and mentally.
He gave me two questionnaires tofill out and a form for blood
(13:57):
work.
The blood work came back normal,apparently, and the diagnosis?
Moderate to severe depressionand anxiety.
Of course he had already told methis was the likely issue before
sending me for the blood work,but he still sent me anyways to
be sure that nothing else wasgoing on.
He gave me a pep talk, suggesteda book, and recommended therapy.
(14:19):
Honestly, I don't know that Iwas really relieved to know.
I think I was more relieved tofind out that, you know, I don't
have some serious internalissues like physical issues.
I just felt...
kind of weird and kind of likeokay I guess I was right all
this time like my suspicionswere right I just didn't realize
(14:39):
that it could mess you up thismuch um Will was super helpful
he was super supportive and hewas like well you know what
we'll do whatever it is that youneed to do to get better we
ended up going to a store andgetting like five different um
(15:00):
vitamins for me to take, likesupplements, and I got a neti
pot.
Don't ask me why I got the netipot.
I just always had a stuffy nose,and I was like, okay, neti pot's
gonna help with this.
It's gonna solve a lot of myproblems.
And so I got a neti pot.
I used it twice, and then I gotrid of it.
It's pretty miserable to use, tobe honest.
(15:21):
But in all honesty, it didn'thit me all that hard.
I wasn't shocked.
not in the slightest.
I already sort of knew that thatwas what was going on.
But like I said, I just didn'treally realize that it would
affect me in that many differentways.
It was just sort of aconfirmation and sort of a wake
up call at the same time.
(15:42):
But I finally accepted that Ineeded to deal with the internal
struggles.
But at the same time, all Icould think was like, how could
I be this unhappy?
I have one of the most lovingand supportive families you
could ever imagine.
I have a great partner, a fewreally good close friends.
(16:02):
My childhood wasn't traumatic inthe slightest.
Like, what the hell's wrong withme?
I'm literally living my dreamlife.
I live in a van.
I'm in the Yukon.
I'm seeing new beautiful placesevery few days.
I'm traveling the Pan AmericanHighway with someone who has the
exact same dream as me.
Like, it can't really get muchbetter than that.
(16:26):
But I kept thinking, wasn't thissupposed to fix me?
And that thought scared mebecause it still meant I had
work to do, even here.
It's one of those things whereyou think, once I get this, I'll
be happy.
Once I achieve this, I'll behappy.
Once I can do this, I will behappy.
(16:47):
But I guess that's not true,after all.
And what makes it harder isfeeling like I should be happy.
That toxic little voice thatsays, you have nothing to
complain about.
Other people would kill to havethis life.
Or, so many people have it somuch worse than you.
Which they do.
I so know that.
(17:08):
Believe me.
I know.
That voice doesn't make theemptiness go away.
It just makes you feel guilty ontop of it.
But that's the thing.
Depression doesn't care aboutyour highlight reel.
When your brain's chemistry isoff and your past has convinced
you that you're not enough ortoo much or just wrong, you
(17:29):
carry that with you.
Because as it turns out, youcan't escape your inner world
just by changing your view.
And if you're in the thick of itlike I was, and sometimes still
am, this next part's for you.
You're not alone.
You don't have to prove anythingto anyone.
anyone has ever hurt you in thepast, that doesn't define you.
(17:54):
It doesn't define you.
You are not what they say toyou.
You are who you choose to be.
How someone has treated you inthe past does not define you.
It just speaks loudly abouttheir own character and the type
of person that they are.
(18:14):
Just because someone treats youlike you're worthless it doesn't
mean that you are worthless.
You can literally haveeverything you wanted and still
be struggling.
Because if you don't heal what'sunderneath, the dream life can
feel just as hollow.
You see it in so manycelebrities.
Fame, money, beauty, stilldeeply unhappy.
(18:36):
Because their inner world is amess.
Now I'm not comparing myself tosome pop stars, but I get it
now.
And so many people judge themthinking, if I had all that
money, I'd be so happy.
Or what do they have to bemiserable about?
They're rich and famous, butit's not about that.
It truly is not about that.
(18:59):
I think a lot of us chase aversion of happiness that looks
good from the outside.
And when we don't feel it, weassume we're broken.
But maybe it's not about doingit wrong.
Maybe it's about feeling all ofit.
even when it's inconvenient,even when it doesn't make sense.
(19:20):
After Alaska, I went home forthe holidays.
It was supposed to be for amonth, but it turned into two
and a half months for variousreasons.
I needed the warmth, stability,a proper kitchen, to be close to
my family, and honestly, Ireally, really needed that.
When I was home, that's when Ireally started digging into what
(19:40):
could be going on inside mybody.
I've learned that anxiety anddepression are strongly
connected to hormone andcortisol imbalances, and all of
that also links to shitty guthealth.
I read everything I could findabout cortisol dysregulation,
hormone imbalances, and guthealth to try to figure it all
out.
I started trying little thingslike cutting out inflammatory
(20:03):
foods, tracking my cycle, doingbreath work, coming up with a
detailed plan of all thesethings that I need to do to help
get things back in check.
I implemented these things andeven got my mom on the gut
healing cleanse, which I was alittle more than strict with her
about, giving her lectures aboutcheat meals and blah blah blah.
Sorry mom.
(20:23):
She was along for the ride, butit wasn't something that was
quite as important to her as itwas to me.
I was strict on her because Iwas strict on me.
Then I hit the road again.
Not perfectly healed, but atleast I had a plan to continue
following.
A few weeks after being on theroad and implementing what I'd
learned, my brain fog,headaches, and fatigue lessened.
(20:45):
I didn't have daily crashesaround noon where my brain
couldn't process anymore.
I had more energy than I had inover two years.
I wasn't waking up at 3am everynight to pee anymore.
I was able to fall asleep within10 minutes of laying in bed.
It was a friggin' miracle.
Still not perfect, but it feltgood to be even 20% better than
(21:08):
I had been in the last twoyears.
Now I'm continuing to do thework.
I'm reading every self-help bookI can, working through CBT,
journaling, meditating,breathwork, touching grass,
literally, except here in Baja,so I'm touching sand instead.
But at this point, I have enoughself-help books to start a
(21:28):
library and enough half-filledjournals to wallpaper the van at
least 20 times.
Have an extensive morningroutine.
Wake up, hydrate withelectrolytes, 10 minutes of
sunlight, cold water splash tothe face, lymphatic massage, 15
minutes of movement practice, aquick workout, walking barefoot,
skincare, reading, morningpages.
(21:50):
and 10 minutes of mindfulpractice.
And that doesn't include eatinga healthy complete breakfast,
drinking gut-soothing tea whileI'm reading, my elix drops, or
my few supplements that Iliterally always forget to take.
I even have an evening routinethat I don't always follow
through with.
When it comes to self-helptools, you name it, I'm either
(22:11):
doing it, tried it, or it's onmy never-ending list of things
to try.
All of these things areintentional and help me in
different areas of my life,whether it's lowering cortisol,
balancing hormones, or justhelping me get my brain to shut
the hell up.
It's extensive, yes.
Do I get everything done on mylong list of things to do every
single day?
(22:31):
Not even close.
At first, I put lots of pressureon myself to get it all done,
but I've learned to go a littleeasier on myself.
As long as I check off a fewtasks from my long list of
things to do, I'm doing betterfor myself than I was before.
Even completing four things onmy list will help me improve my
well-being in some way.
(22:51):
If you force yourself to do itall, the self-help tools aren't
even going to be helping you atthis point.
You're just going to create moreoverwhelm and the feeling that
you aren't doing enough.
I went a little overboard withmy shit, let's be real, but you
really don't have to.
All you need are a couple oftools, a couple of things to
help you in different areas ofyour life to help you heal.
(23:11):
It is a slow process, but youwill get there.
If I had to name a few thingsthat helped me the most, it's
the smallest stuff.
like stepping out of the van andgoing for a walk when I didn't
want to, drinking a cuteaesthetic drink in my cute glass
cups, watching Studio Ghiblimovies, morning pages
journaling, creative journaling,giving my family a call when I
(23:34):
miss them, which is literallyall day every day, but obviously
I can't be on the phone withthem 24-7, so now I mainly call
them during my grocery shoppingtime, where my anxiety and
overwhelm is at its highest.
Of course, I call them otherrandom times too.
And whenever there's a bigfamily gathering that I'm
heartbroken about missing, it'sthe little things that always
(23:58):
make the biggest difference.
It doesn't matter how small itis.
If it's something that youenjoy, it'll probably help you.
And also, I don't know what yourversion of a cute aesthetic
drink is, but I hope you haveone.
Honestly, message me what it is.
I collect emotional supportbeverages now.
Honestly, it didn't fixeverything.
(24:20):
And it won't.
Not for a while.
Some days I feel better.
Some days I still spiral.
But I'm trying.
Healing takes time.
Will knows whenever I have anoff day, and he's super
supportive during these harderdays.
His instinct now is to eitherput on Friends, Studio Ghibli
lo-fi music, or my BFF Tay-Tay.
(24:42):
Sometimes I'm not in the moodfor it, but he still does it,
and eventually I'll startlaughing at a joke Chandler made
or singing along with Tay-Tay orto one of the Totoro songs, and
it does help.
Those are a few very smallthings that just can change my
mood and even bring the smallestamount of joy into my life, and
(25:02):
you should find those littlethings too.
This has been a big lesson forme, one that I didn't really see
coming, and one that I've beenstruggling with accepting how it
could even be possible.
I have accepted that the anxietyand depression are there, but
accepting the fact that it'spossible is hard.
Because how can I be unhappy orlost when I'm always in such
(25:23):
beautiful places?
But now I know that my innerworld needs a lot of love and
compassion.
Because healing isn't linear.
Dreams don't come with aguarantee of happiness.
And sometimes the version of youthat fought so hard to get here
still needs to be held.
Okay, before I write thisimaginary postcard, let me just
(25:44):
say this was really, really hardto talk about.
I rewrote this script about 37times.
I mean, there's something so...
weirdly vulnerable about sayingthat you're living your dream
and still not completely okay.
But that's the point of thispodcast, right?
(26:06):
If I were to write a postcardabout this part of the journey,
it would say, This isn't what Iimagined.
It's messier, slower, harder.
But I'm here.
And I'm working on it.
That has to be enough.
Maybe the destination isn't aplace.
Maybe it's within.
And if that's you right now, ifyou're living a life you worked
(26:29):
hard to build and you still feeloff, I see you.
You're not ungrateful.
You're not broken.
You're just healing.
Maybe it's not that you're doingit wrong.
Maybe you're just human.
This is Postcards I Never Sent.
I'll see you in the next one,probably somewhere new, slightly
(26:51):
unhinged, and of course, stillfiguring it out.
If this episode resonated withyou, it would mean the world if
you left a review.
It helps more than you know, andit's one of the best ways to
help other messy, curious humansfind this little corner of the
internet.
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