May 6, 2025 • 31 mins
What happens when a postpartum provider becomes the patient?
In this deeply personal and powerful episode, Maranda shares—for the first time ever—her lived experience with postpartum bipolar disorder. This isn’t a conversation wrapped in statistics and clinical jargon. It’s raw, it’s unfiltered, and it’s the story behind why she created the postpartum healing framework that has now supported thousands of women.
If you’ve ever worked with a mother whose emotional shifts feel like more than “just the baby blues,” or if you’re a provider seeking to understand the depths of postpartum mental health from the inside out, this is the episode you need to hear. We’re talking about misdiagnosis, trauma, gut health, sleep deprivation, and how one woman’s fight for her life became a movement for maternal care reform.
Check out this episode on the blog: https://postpartumu.com/podcast/my-personal-battle-with-postpartum-bipolar-disorder-ep-214/
00:00 – The silence and stigma around postpartum bipolar disorder
03:07 – Birth reflections and emotional shifts begin
05:56 – Support systems break down: Meal train, family, and overwhelm
08:10 – Chaos of postpartum: Alone w/ 3 kids, house construction, a puppy
09:23 – When darkness creeps in: Resentment, despair, intrusive thoughts
10:24 – Rapid mood cycling: Chipper days followed by terrifying lows
11:26 – The physical toll: Colitis, exhaustion, hair loss
13:19 – The diagnosis: “You have postpartum bipolar”
15:09 – Mania and clarity: Using the highs to plan for the lows
16:58 – The internal struggle: Knowing better but not doing better
18:43 – Nutrition as medicine: Grocery lists, meal planning, supplementing
20:12 – Prioritizing sleep: Hard conversations with her partner
22:29 – Finding what works: Each child’s unique sleep needs
23:29 – Delegating and support: What helped lighten the load
24:48 – Breathwork, journaling, and nervous system regulation
26:04 – Recovery: Symptoms gone in three weeks—no meds, no relapses
27:00 – How her experience became the foundation of her method
27:50 – Why this story has remained untold—until now
29:24 – The call for nuanced, honest postpartum care
NEXT STEPS:
🎒Download the free Postpartum Restoration Method™ Assessment Tool & Guide for Providers
🔔Sign up for the Postpartum Nutrition Certification Waitlist
👍Rate, REVIEW & share the podcast
📱Connect on Instagram!
📚Get a Copy of the BOOK: Reclaiming Postpartum Wellness
🧠Perinatal Mental Health Certificate Training & Additional Courses for Providers & Postpartum Professionals
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
The postpartum care system is failing, leaving
countless mothers strugglingwith depression, anxiety and
autoimmune conditions.
I'm Miranda Bauer and I'vehelped thousands of providers
use holistic care practices toheal their clients at the root.
Subscribe now and join us inaddressing what modern medicine
(00:22):
overlooks, so that you can giveyour clients real, lasting
solutions for lifelongwell-being.
Hey, hey, welcome to thepodcast.
I want to first share that Ihave never told this story
publicly, not because it isn'timportant, but because it is
(00:44):
terrifying.
And today I'm talking aboutpostpartum bipolar disorder, not
from a clinical lens, not fromthe research papers although I
could do that but from livedexperience, because I have been
there, and for years I stayedsilent.
And for years I stayed silentAgain, not because I was ashamed
(01:10):
, but because I feared that mystory would be misunderstood or
worse, misused, that someonewould hear what I did and try to
follow it, that it might betaken the wrong way and used to
discredit the very work that Ihave dedicated my life to,
discredit the very work that Ihave dedicated my life to.
But the world is changing andI'm seeing more mothers speaking
(01:31):
up.
I'm seeing this diagnosis cometo the surface, and it's time,
because what happened to me andhow I healed, shaped everything
that I teach you, everythingthat I know about postpartum
health, and I believe it's timefor you to hear about it.
My journey with postpartumbipolar started with my third
(01:54):
baby, and by this time in mylife I had already written a few
books.
I was supporting moms as adoula and a childbirth educator.
I was back in school for adegree in biology, I was slowly
taking classes and I had abouteight years of work under my
belt, which is no small feat,right.
(02:16):
So no one knows everythingabout this story and nobody
knows everything aboutpostpartum, and it became very
clear to me in this experiencethat, even though I had all of
this training and I had all ofthese years experiences that I
(02:38):
did not know everything.
I was not, you know,well-versed in what was about to
happen, and there was a lot ofthings that I needed to learn.
At first, postpartum reallyseemed to be going fairly well.
The birth went really well,recovery was okay, but what I
(02:59):
noticed was and this popped upin the labor period as well is
that I just needed a lot ofsupport.
I don't know what it was.
I feel like sometimes, the waythat we birth babies and bring
babies into the world is veryrepresentative of who we are in
that process and representativeof our babies as well.
Like for my son, for example.
(03:20):
He was like the stereotypicallabor very, very textbook.
And that is my son.
He is like super textbook kidlike goes at his own pace.
This is how it is, and the wayI birthed him was very similar.
I wanted to be done.
I was over it.
I was just like let me jumpthrough everything that I need
(03:41):
to and forget about this wholeexperience and just get to the
end, like I just want the goodstuff.
Just like let me jump througheverything that I need to and
forget about this wholeexperience and just get to the
end, like I just want the goodstuff.
And honestly, that's exactlyhow I managed my life.
My second birth was 90 minutesand so that was a stark contrast
from the, the 17 hour laborthat I had with my first and I
(04:02):
was not expecting it in theleast bit and with her, that
labor she was just like bulletfast.
She was coming.
There was no stopping her.
She was into this world beforethe even the midwife even showed
up and that was sorepresentative of who she is as
a person and again how Iexperienced that.
I was like it was a crazyjourney.
(04:24):
I flipped out in the in themiddle of it and then the end.
I was like it was a crazyjourney.
I flipped out in the middle ofit and then the end I was like,
yeah, I conquered that.
That was amazing.
And then, in this thirdexperience, I just needed so
much support.
My midwife came and she had tohelp me with a lot of things and
in terms of moving my body andjust releasing the tension that
(04:49):
I was holding in my pelvis andslowing my breath and breathing
deep into like this low noiserather than this more high pitch
, and it was all things that I'm, like again, very familiar with
.
But I just I needed somebody tobe there to support me in that
and that was very much how myentire postpartum ended up, what
(05:14):
I needed during that time, butwhat I didn't get and it was
very interesting because youknow I there was a couple of
things that that stuck out to menow that were kind of a big
deal for me.
One was that I was getting ameal train going in the early
(05:35):
trimester, last trimester of mypregnancy, and everything
thought I thought was goingreally well, but let me tell you
, it went so bad postpartum.
No one stuck with it or theydidn't listen to the food
allergies that my family had.
I was extremely allergic topork at the time.
Thankfully I've healed thatallergy.
(05:56):
And there was an incident withmy parents.
They had came over, they cookeda big like meal and then they
put pepperoni like pork thing inthere and I was like, guys, I'm
allergic to it.
And they're like no problem,we're just going to let it
simmer in there and then we'regoing to take that pepperoni
pork, stick out and you'll befine.
(06:18):
And I was like completelyflipped out because they and it
wasn't of their fault, theysimply just didn't understand
how food allergies worked.
I would be so sick with thatand I became really afraid that
if it wasn't myself or myhusband cooking the meal then
something was going to go wrongand that became a huge burden
(06:39):
for me.
And then, after the first fewweeks, my husband went back to
work and you know, kid numberthree and at the time we were
also building a house like 20minutes away, and so my husband,
he would go to work, he wouldgo to the property actually like
very, very early in the morning.
(07:00):
He would leave around like fiveo'clock in the morning and then
he would go immediately to workand then he would come home
from you know a full eight hourshift and then he would eat
dinner with us and then he wouldleave again and he would go to
the property.
And a lot of times he was like,oh, come to the property with
us and we'll sit around and wecan eat dinner and all of that
(07:22):
things.
But there was still so muchwork that I felt like was on my
shoulders and again he was liketrying to build a house for us
to live, because we very muchneeded that it was.
We were in a rental at the timeand I was like adamant about
being in this rental becausebefore we were in the rental we
(07:44):
were living in a fifth wheel.
Like y'all, my life was crazy,insane and I didn't have the
running water that I needed tohave a home birth Okay.
So that is how we ended up inthis little rental and anyway
I'm.
My life is pretty much chaos,like you could see, like there
was so much that was justhappening and so little support
(08:06):
that I had because we summer wasapproaching.
My third was born at the end ofMarch.
We actually just celebrated herher ninth birthday, which is
crazy, but she, we were.
It's the beginning of springand and the season of building.
It's the beginning of springand the season of building, and
(08:32):
so he ended up having to be awaya lot longer than I thought was
going to happen, and more sothan what he thought was going
to happen as well, and it was alot.
We had three kids.
I had the food and the choresand the house and the laundry,
and we had a puppy that we gotbefore I found out that we were
pregnant.
It was actually right before Igot pregnant.
So, anyway, the exhaustion wasbad, the amount of work that I
(08:55):
felt that I had on my shoulderswas significant, and then it
just kind of started to happenwhere I found myself thinking
the most awful thoughts andbeing in a place of total
despair, like why did I become amom?
I hate everything, not justlike an exasperated frustration
(09:16):
of of hating, but this likedeeply felt in my bones, in my
bones, disgust for my life.
I love my babies and I love mykids, but I was loathing being
their mother, like I didn'tdeserve it and I would just sit
(09:39):
there and cry in one spot forhours as much as I could, you
know, sitting in their playroomwith like a bunch of diapers
next to me, and just like hatinglife.
And then the next day I'd wakeup and I'd be completely fine,
like all, happy and chippery,and I'd be calling my family and
friends, I'd scheduleappointments, I'd go meal prep
(09:59):
and go shopping and I'd go for awalk and I felt like, oh, thank
goodness, like I'm all better.
That was ugly.
Phew, I must've gotten sleep, Imust've gotten something that I
needed.
I'm good.
But then it would come back andI thought at first it was like,
oh, it just must've meant likeI had less sleep that night,
(10:22):
like it was just extra awful orwhatever.
And so that's why I'm feelingthis way.
And then, the more these darkermoments came, they would stick
around a lot longer and theywere really, really dark, and it
would be days of being in thisspace, and y'all, when I say
dark, I don't have another wordfor it it was dark to the point
where I was thinking I should nolonger live Like I should just
(10:44):
end all of this.
I will be in the closet likecrying, thinking about how much
better my kids would be withoutme, and I had no control.
These dark moments would lastfor days and then I'd pop out of
it and then I would be fineagain and I hid it right.
So if my husband was home likehe would not see this, I would
(11:05):
make sure that he was not seeingwhat I was seeing.
Like this was happening when hewas at work.
It was happening when he was atthe property and my kids had no
idea.
They knew nothing of what I wasexperiencing and there were a
ton of other symptoms thatstarted around that time too.
(11:26):
I had been diagnosed already inmy second postpartum with
ulcerative colitis and I noticedmy bowel issues coming back
full force and the exhaustionthat I had felt was next level.
I thought the despair in mycloset was just the feelings of
exhaustion, because all I wantedto do was sleep.
(11:48):
I just wanted to go to sleepand honestly, I just wanted to
sleep and not ever wake up.
But I couldn't because I hadthree kids to take care of and I
resented that and my hair wasfalling out in clumps and I know
people say that's normal inpostpartum and I'm going to tell
(12:08):
you that is not normal.
Clumps are not normal.
That's another podcast episode.
Is not normal, clumps are notnormal.
That's another podcast episode.
So it was around three monthspostpartum and I went to an
appointment for my daughter tosee her functional care provider
.
I don't know why we were there.
To this day.
I still have zero idea.
I do not do well child visits.
(12:30):
I only show up when my kids aresick beyond what I can support
them with or if I have some sortof concern, and so I have no
idea what that was.
But I do remember thatappointment went from my
daughter's care directly to meand I remember her looking at me
(12:51):
and she was the provider who,she's like, takes care of my
whole family.
Right, she diagnosed me withcolitis.
She knew me very well, she didwhat other providers missed and
I had credited her and still dofor really saving my life in my
second postpartum.
She knew me, she knew me verywell, and then she started to
(13:12):
ask me questions.
Today I cannot tell you whatthose were.
I have no idea.
I think at this point in my lifethings were really dark and
heavy and I was extremely unwelland I just remember sitting
down.
Later I was at an office formental health and I was sitting
(13:33):
down at the office and the onlything that I remember from this,
this moment of hearing myproviders you know concerns to
this moment in time was hearingthe words you have postpartum
bipolar ma'am, do you hear me?
Are you okay?
Bipolar ma'am, do you hear me?
Are you okay?
That's the quote.
(13:55):
You have postpartum bipolarMa'am, do you hear me?
Are you okay?
No, I was not freaking, okay, Ihad.
No, I was not okay.
I think I had to wait a few,like I left.
(14:16):
I remember leaving and leavingvery, very quickly with my baby
and my toddler in tow and Ithink my other one was probably
at school.
I just remember them two in towwith me leaving fast and I
think I had to take a couple ofdays to process this information
.
And I remember when my maniawould come online and I could
actually like get stuff doneY'all.
I don't know what cocaine feelslike, but mania has got to be
(14:38):
like that.
Everything that I have everstudied in regards to this.
I never had delusions, but Ihad what felt like such strong
clarity and endless energy and Ihad it for days and after my
diagnosis, when I hit this mania, I knew immediately that I had
(14:59):
to make a plan and use my highsto support my lows.
And this is where things getreally tricky, because I don't
want anyone ever to get thisidea that what I did was the
best choice and what I'm aboutto tell you was the best choice.
I actually don't think that itwas at all.
(15:19):
Please do not follow in myfootsteps.
I'm telling you my story andthis is it.
This is not my recommendationat all.
For me, telling anyone about mypostpartum bipolar was the worst
thing in the world.
I never told my husbandActually, I didn't tell him
until a couple years later, andhe was flabbergasted.
(15:42):
It was a really big deal thatwe had to work through.
I was embarrassed slightly, butmore so I felt like I was not
in my right mind to really behaving these conversations and I
was determined to do better,because I really didn't know
(16:05):
better.
I was not in my right mind.
I knew what my body needed, Iknew what it wasn't getting and
I knew how to make it better.
I had studied this for eightyears, but somewhere along the
lines I thought that I kneweverything and so I applied
nothing Like.
(16:25):
There comes a time in our liveswhere we're like, yeah, I, you
know.
I just cognitively understoodall of this, and so I was like,
yeah, I knew it, I know, I knowit, but I never really applied
it in the way in which I neededto.
And when this, my mania, cameonline, I was like, oh, yeah,
okay, I know exactly what it isthat I need to do.
(16:48):
I know what's going to beenough and again, I'm not saying
any of this was logical, likethere were some.
You're going to hear the story,but I'm just telling you what
it is that I did.
So I was going to do all ofthis on my own, bad choice,
don't do that.
And I used my highs to plan formy lows, and so I started with
(17:09):
everything that I need.
I wrote a list of exactly whatit was that I was going to need.
First off was food.
First and foremost, I knew thatI was gonna spend my high going
shopping.
I planned meticulously all ofmy meals to ensure that I was
going to get nutrient densefoods.
That was very easy for mystomach, right Ulcerative
(17:30):
colitis is no joke and I knewexactly what I needed I was
going to.
I was not on medication forthat either, and I.
That's a whole nother story,but it was a very smart move on
my part.
I actually had an allergicreaction to the medication, but
it was something that was soincredibly important to me to
(17:53):
get the nutrients that I needed,so I made a plan.
This is exactly what I'm goingto do.
I'm going to get all of myshopping done.
I think this was before mealdelivery.
You guys, this is way beforeany of those services existed.
This is way before you could goorder your food from the store,
like online.
I'm showing my age here.
(18:14):
None of that was an option.
Like I literally had to go tothe store and buy all of my
groceries and and then makebatch cook like batch cook for
the week.
Everything I had, all I had itall laid out and then I had made
sure that I knew exactly whatsupplements I needed to take.
Like it was very, very clear.
(18:36):
And what I did was I wroteeverything down Like this is
exactly what you need to do inthe morning, this is exactly
what you need to do by afternoonand exactly what you need to do
in the evening and I did it inthis way and exactly what I was
going to eat and how I was goingto take my supplements, because
I knew that when my darkdepressive episodes were going
(18:57):
to strike, that I was not goingto know anything, like I just I
would know that I did it or thatyou know, yeah, this stuff
exists, but I wouldn't know howto move through that, because
really, when you're in thosedeep, dark depressive spaces,
like everything feels difficult.
It feels like getting out ofbed is is so much of a challenge
(19:20):
, let alone remembering what youknow supplement to take or what
meal is up next, like it's justnot doable.
The next component that was soimportant to me was sleep.
Like I had to figure out sleepand this was probably one of the
hardest things, because I knowhow hard my husband was working.
(19:41):
He would.
He was working so insanely hardto try to navigate like
spending enough time with hisfamily and his, his babies and
getting to know his newestdaughter, and like raising our
children together and alsoworking full time and also
trying to navigate building ahouse, which we knew was going
(20:04):
to be challenging, but it provedto be a lot more challenging,
right, which is just life ingeneral.
But I had to sit down with himand be like this isn't working.
We can't do this and I don'tknow exactly what this means,
but I know that I need helpgetting sleep because it's not
(20:24):
happening and I feel like I'mlosing my mind over it.
And if you can't help me, thenwe're going to have to hire
somebody to do it, because Ican't live like this anymore.
And it was very much of a verylike, just like that right, it
was not asking permission, itwas not like I need help, how
(20:47):
are we going to get it?
It was very much of like Ican't live without this and I
don't know exactly how we'regoing to do it, but something
has got to change, eventemporarily, until I'm out of
this mess.
And I didn't even tell him whatmess I was in.
I was just letting him knowthat I felt like I was losing my
(21:07):
mind over not having enoughsleep.
I was breastfeeding in themiddle of the night, I was
co-sleeping and honestly, nobodytalks about this, but I have
what I now call a little badger.
She was she's the only kid thatI've ever met.
Actually, I take that back.
My niece is the exact same way,but she slept better in a
(21:28):
bassinet next to me than sheever did in my own bed in a
bassinet next to me than sheever did in my own bed.
She is still my kid, who islike hyper dependent, like
she'll look at me, she'll hug me, she'll give me a kiss and then
she's off.
Like she's just that kid Idon't know what it is, but she's
she and all of my kids.
If I wanted sleep, I had toco-sleep with them.
(21:50):
That was the thing that madesleep possible or doable, and
for her it wasn't, and that tooka lot of a learning process.
But I also needed my husband tobe there so that I could get
longer stretches, so that I canbreastfeed and then hand her off
to be burped and to hand heroff to be changed or whatever,
(22:12):
and then work through whateverit is that we needed to work
through.
So there was a couple of weekswhere he actually stayed home.
He either went to the propertybecause he had to manage
something, but was home bybedtime so that I could get the
sleep that I need, and that wasinsanely supportive and helpful.
(22:32):
And so that plan was developedand during that those manic
episodes and then implementedimmediately, and then I had to
make sure that I had enoughsupport.
So we were looking at okay, whatelse is it that I that I need?
Like, should I be the one doingall of the grocery shopping?
(22:56):
And the answer was no.
He was going to take on a lotmore of the like the grocery
shopping aspect of things, whichfeels like such a big burden.
Sometimes I look at it now andI'm like I can't believe I
needed so much help with thatLike.
That felt like such a big thing, but in the moment it was, it
was such a big deal for me.
I needed more help with laundryand I also needed some other
(23:17):
like hands-on modalities, and soI ended up doing more massage,
like I made sure that I hadscheduled out some appointments
that was going to help me,things that I knew that I was
going to feel really good about.
So there was a couple ofmassages that I would schedule
and Reiki appointments that Iwould schedule, and those things
(23:37):
always just felt really good tome, energetically and just more
aligned, and so I wouldschedule one or two of those for
like at least one a week, and Iwould make sure that that would
be my time to leave and be anadult you know, an individual
(23:58):
without my baby for like an hourtime to go get whatever it is
that I needed and then come back.
And the other thing that I didwas make sure that I was very
focused on my breathing and mynervous system and I became very
religious about journaling andmaking sure that I was paying
(24:22):
attention to my breath and mythoughts and making sure that I
was talking to myself in a veryhealthy way, which is it was
nice in the moment, especiallywhen you're feeling really good,
to be like oh yeah, yeah, yeah,that's cool.
But you know, in the darkerepisodes it was a lot harder to
do.
But I think in those manicepisodes where I was feeling
(24:45):
really high, I could journalabout all of the things that
felt really hard and I canbecome aware of them in a way
that I wasn't doing before andthat was insanely helpful.
So food, sleep, support andbreathing and I will tell you
and writing in my journal,within three weeks.
(25:06):
Within three weeks, I had nomania and no depressive episodes
again.
It was gone.
No medications.
It never came back, and so muchof that story is now like what
I'm sharing with you.
That's what you've seen in mymethod of work and how I teach
(25:26):
it right.
That is my five point frameworkand it stemmed from this exact
healing journey and thenapplying that to the moms that I
supported.
So obviously, you know, I hadto go through my own major shift
and change in the way that Itook care of myself and that
works and that's great.
But then I was like I wonderhow this is going to work for
(25:48):
other people.
And having those conversationsand applying the stuff to my
clients, it was life-changingand it was incredible what I was
witnessing from others as wellas myself.
And let me tell you, when I gotwell, like my entire life, very
already dedicated to birth andpostpartum, became that much
(26:11):
more important to me.
I changed my entire businessmodel after that.
The way I supported momschanged deeply.
This is also why I have such ahard time sharing it, because I
know that my story is not thesame.
For a lot of people.
It is, you know, an easy.
(26:32):
It's like, oh yeah, she walkedthrough this thing and it sounds
so easy and she applied thesemethods and then she was fine,
like whatever.
Or giving somebody a false hope, or encouraging somebody to not
do medications during such asignificant life, altering
diagnosis as postpartum bipolar,like I don't want that to be a
(26:54):
thing whatsoever.
That's not what I'm saying.
So why am I sharing this?
Because the stories like mine,real, raw, unfiltered are
missing from the conversation.
Postpartum bipolar is deeplymisunderstood, it's misdiagnosed
often and it's buried insilence.
(27:14):
And I've carried this story foryears out of fear that it would
make people question my work,my credibility, my expertise and
my ability to teach what Iteach and to misconstrue it as
advice.
And that's not what I'm doing.
But what I've come to know isthis my lived experience is part
(27:38):
of my expertise.
It's what drives the depth ofcompassion I bring to this work.
It's what shapes the frameworks, the protocols, the education I
share with providers, theprotocols, the education I share
with providers.
It's what helped me understandthat healing is not a one size
fits all path and thatpostpartum care must go so far
(28:02):
beyond symptom management.
This episode is not a blueprintfor how to handle postpartum
bipolar.
It is a story.
It's a reminder that we don'tneed more shame or stigma or
more silence.
We need more nuance, morehonesty, more conversations
(28:24):
about real postpartum experience, the messy, the sacred and
often terrifying parts of it.
And, more than anything, weneed providers like you who are
willing to hold space for thatcomplexity of the situation.
If you're here listening, thankyou.
(28:44):
Thank you for being someone whowants to know more, to do
better and to be a part of arevolution and care that says we
see you, we hear you and wewill never stop fighting for
your healing.
Thank you for hearing my storyand holding space for this.
Until next time, stay rooted,stay curious and stay in this
(29:07):
with me.
Thanks so much for being a partof this crucial conversation.
I know you're dedicated toadvancing postpartum care and if
you're ready to dig deeper,come join us on our newsletter,
(29:27):
where I share exclusive insights, resources and the latest tools
to help you make a lastingimpact on postpartum health.
And the latest tools to helpyou make a lasting impact on
postpartum health.
Sign up at postpartumu theletter ucom, which is in the
show notes, and if you foundtoday's episode valuable, please
leave a review to help us reachmore providers like you.
Together, we're building afuture where mothers are fully
(29:49):
supported and thriving.
The postpartum care system is failing, leaving
countless mothers strugglingwith depression, anxiety and
autoimmune conditions.
I'm Miranda Bauer and I'vehelped thousands of providers
use holistic care practices toheal their clients at the root.
Subscribe now and join us inaddressing what modern medicine
(00:22):
overlooks, so that you can giveyour clients real, lasting
solutions for lifelongwell-being.
Hey, hey, welcome to thepodcast.
I want to first share that Ihave never told this story
publicly, not because it isn'timportant, but because it is
(00:44):
terrifying.
And today I'm talking aboutpostpartum bipolar disorder, not
from a clinical lens, not fromthe research papers although I
could do that but from livedexperience, because I have been
there, and for years I stayedsilent.
And for years I stayed silentAgain, not because I was ashamed
(01:10):
, but because I feared that mystory would be misunderstood or
worse, misused, that someonewould hear what I did and try to
follow it, that it might betaken the wrong way and used to
discredit the very work that Ihave dedicated my life to,
discredit the very work that Ihave dedicated my life to.
But the world is changing andI'm seeing more mothers speaking
(01:31):
up.
I'm seeing this diagnosis cometo the surface, and it's time,
because what happened to me andhow I healed, shaped everything
that I teach you, everythingthat I know about postpartum
health, and I believe it's timefor you to hear about it.
My journey with postpartumbipolar started with my third
(01:54):
baby, and by this time in mylife I had already written a few
books.
I was supporting moms as adoula and a childbirth educator.
I was back in school for adegree in biology, I was slowly
taking classes and I had abouteight years of work under my
belt, which is no small feat,right.
(02:16):
So no one knows everythingabout this story and nobody
knows everything aboutpostpartum, and it became very
clear to me in this experiencethat, even though I had all of
this training and I had all ofthese years experiences that I
(02:38):
did not know everything.
I was not, you know,well-versed in what was about to
happen, and there was a lot ofthings that I needed to learn.
At first, postpartum reallyseemed to be going fairly well.
The birth went really well,recovery was okay, but what I
(02:59):
noticed was and this popped upin the labor period as well is
that I just needed a lot ofsupport.
I don't know what it was.
I feel like sometimes, the waythat we birth babies and bring
babies into the world is veryrepresentative of who we are in
that process and representativeof our babies as well.
Like for my son, for example.
(03:20):
He was like the stereotypicallabor very, very textbook.
And that is my son.
He is like super textbook kidlike goes at his own pace.
This is how it is, and the wayI birthed him was very similar.
I wanted to be done.
I was over it.
I was just like let me jumpthrough everything that I need
(03:41):
to and forget about this wholeexperience and just get to the
end, like I just want the goodstuff.
Just like let me jump througheverything that I need to and
forget about this wholeexperience and just get to the
end, like I just want the goodstuff.
And honestly, that's exactlyhow I managed my life.
My second birth was 90 minutesand so that was a stark contrast
from the, the 17 hour laborthat I had with my first and I
(04:02):
was not expecting it in theleast bit and with her, that
labor she was just like bulletfast.
She was coming.
There was no stopping her.
She was into this world beforethe even the midwife even showed
up and that was sorepresentative of who she is as
a person and again how Iexperienced that.
I was like it was a crazyjourney.
(04:24):
I flipped out in the in themiddle of it and then the end.
I was like it was a crazyjourney.
I flipped out in the middle ofit and then the end I was like,
yeah, I conquered that.
That was amazing.
And then, in this thirdexperience, I just needed so
much support.
My midwife came and she had tohelp me with a lot of things and
in terms of moving my body andjust releasing the tension that
(04:49):
I was holding in my pelvis andslowing my breath and breathing
deep into like this low noiserather than this more high pitch
, and it was all things that I'm, like again, very familiar with
.
But I just I needed somebody tobe there to support me in that
and that was very much how myentire postpartum ended up, what
(05:14):
I needed during that time, butwhat I didn't get and it was
very interesting because youknow I there was a couple of
things that that stuck out to menow that were kind of a big
deal for me.
One was that I was getting ameal train going in the early
(05:35):
trimester, last trimester of mypregnancy, and everything
thought I thought was goingreally well, but let me tell you
, it went so bad postpartum.
No one stuck with it or theydidn't listen to the food
allergies that my family had.
I was extremely allergic topork at the time.
Thankfully I've healed thatallergy.
(05:56):
And there was an incident withmy parents.
They had came over, they cookeda big like meal and then they
put pepperoni like pork thing inthere and I was like, guys, I'm
allergic to it.
And they're like no problem,we're just going to let it
simmer in there and then we'regoing to take that pepperoni
pork, stick out and you'll befine.
(06:18):
And I was like completelyflipped out because they and it
wasn't of their fault, theysimply just didn't understand
how food allergies worked.
I would be so sick with thatand I became really afraid that
if it wasn't myself or myhusband cooking the meal then
something was going to go wrongand that became a huge burden
(06:39):
for me.
And then, after the first fewweeks, my husband went back to
work and you know, kid numberthree and at the time we were
also building a house like 20minutes away, and so my husband,
he would go to work, he wouldgo to the property actually like
very, very early in the morning.
(07:00):
He would leave around like fiveo'clock in the morning and then
he would go immediately to workand then he would come home
from you know a full eight hourshift and then he would eat
dinner with us and then he wouldleave again and he would go to
the property.
And a lot of times he was like,oh, come to the property with
us and we'll sit around and wecan eat dinner and all of that
(07:22):
things.
But there was still so muchwork that I felt like was on my
shoulders and again he was liketrying to build a house for us
to live, because we very muchneeded that it was.
We were in a rental at the timeand I was like adamant about
being in this rental becausebefore we were in the rental we
(07:44):
were living in a fifth wheel.
Like y'all, my life was crazy,insane and I didn't have the
running water that I needed tohave a home birth Okay.
So that is how we ended up inthis little rental and anyway
I'm.
My life is pretty much chaos,like you could see, like there
was so much that was justhappening and so little support
(08:06):
that I had because we summer wasapproaching.
My third was born at the end ofMarch.
We actually just celebrated herher ninth birthday, which is
crazy, but she, we were.
It's the beginning of springand and the season of building.
It's the beginning of springand the season of building, and
(08:32):
so he ended up having to be awaya lot longer than I thought was
going to happen, and more sothan what he thought was going
to happen as well, and it was alot.
We had three kids.
I had the food and the choresand the house and the laundry,
and we had a puppy that we gotbefore I found out that we were
pregnant.
It was actually right before Igot pregnant.
So, anyway, the exhaustion wasbad, the amount of work that I
(08:55):
felt that I had on my shoulderswas significant, and then it
just kind of started to happenwhere I found myself thinking
the most awful thoughts andbeing in a place of total
despair, like why did I become amom?
I hate everything, not justlike an exasperated frustration
(09:16):
of of hating, but this likedeeply felt in my bones, in my
bones, disgust for my life.
I love my babies and I love mykids, but I was loathing being
their mother, like I didn'tdeserve it and I would just sit
(09:39):
there and cry in one spot forhours as much as I could, you
know, sitting in their playroomwith like a bunch of diapers
next to me, and just like hatinglife.
And then the next day I'd wakeup and I'd be completely fine,
like all, happy and chippery,and I'd be calling my family and
friends, I'd scheduleappointments, I'd go meal prep
(09:59):
and go shopping and I'd go for awalk and I felt like, oh, thank
goodness, like I'm all better.
That was ugly.
Phew, I must've gotten sleep, Imust've gotten something that I
needed.
I'm good.
But then it would come back andI thought at first it was like,
oh, it just must've meant likeI had less sleep that night,
(10:22):
like it was just extra awful orwhatever.
And so that's why I'm feelingthis way.
And then, the more these darkermoments came, they would stick
around a lot longer and theywere really, really dark, and it
would be days of being in thisspace, and y'all, when I say
dark, I don't have another wordfor it it was dark to the point
where I was thinking I should nolonger live Like I should just
(10:44):
end all of this.
I will be in the closet likecrying, thinking about how much
better my kids would be withoutme, and I had no control.
These dark moments would lastfor days and then I'd pop out of
it and then I would be fineagain and I hid it right.
So if my husband was home likehe would not see this, I would
(11:05):
make sure that he was not seeingwhat I was seeing.
Like this was happening when hewas at work.
It was happening when he was atthe property and my kids had no
idea.
They knew nothing of what I wasexperiencing and there were a
ton of other symptoms thatstarted around that time too.
(11:26):
I had been diagnosed already inmy second postpartum with
ulcerative colitis and I noticedmy bowel issues coming back
full force and the exhaustionthat I had felt was next level.
I thought the despair in mycloset was just the feelings of
exhaustion, because all I wantedto do was sleep.
(11:48):
I just wanted to go to sleepand honestly, I just wanted to
sleep and not ever wake up.
But I couldn't because I hadthree kids to take care of and I
resented that and my hair wasfalling out in clumps and I know
people say that's normal inpostpartum and I'm going to tell
(12:08):
you that is not normal.
Clumps are not normal.
That's another podcast episode.
Is not normal, clumps are notnormal.
That's another podcast episode.
So it was around three monthspostpartum and I went to an
appointment for my daughter tosee her functional care provider
.
I don't know why we were there.
To this day.
I still have zero idea.
I do not do well child visits.
(12:30):
I only show up when my kids aresick beyond what I can support
them with or if I have some sortof concern, and so I have no
idea what that was.
But I do remember thatappointment went from my
daughter's care directly to meand I remember her looking at me
(12:51):
and she was the provider who,she's like, takes care of my
whole family.
Right, she diagnosed me withcolitis.
She knew me very well, she didwhat other providers missed and
I had credited her and still dofor really saving my life in my
second postpartum.
She knew me, she knew me verywell, and then she started to
(13:12):
ask me questions.
Today I cannot tell you whatthose were.
I have no idea.
I think at this point in my lifethings were really dark and
heavy and I was extremely unwelland I just remember sitting
down.
Later I was at an office formental health and I was sitting
(13:33):
down at the office and the onlything that I remember from this,
this moment of hearing myproviders you know concerns to
this moment in time was hearingthe words you have postpartum
bipolar ma'am, do you hear me?
Are you okay?
Bipolar ma'am, do you hear me?
Are you okay?
That's the quote.
(13:55):
You have postpartum bipolarMa'am, do you hear me?
Are you okay?
No, I was not freaking, okay, Ihad.
No, I was not okay.
I think I had to wait a few,like I left.
(14:16):
I remember leaving and leavingvery, very quickly with my baby
and my toddler in tow and Ithink my other one was probably
at school.
I just remember them two in towwith me leaving fast and I
think I had to take a couple ofdays to process this information
.
And I remember when my maniawould come online and I could
actually like get stuff doneY'all.
I don't know what cocaine feelslike, but mania has got to be
(14:38):
like that.
Everything that I have everstudied in regards to this.
I never had delusions, but Ihad what felt like such strong
clarity and endless energy and Ihad it for days and after my
diagnosis, when I hit this mania, I knew immediately that I had
(14:59):
to make a plan and use my highsto support my lows.
And this is where things getreally tricky, because I don't
want anyone ever to get thisidea that what I did was the
best choice and what I'm aboutto tell you was the best choice.
I actually don't think that itwas at all.
(15:19):
Please do not follow in myfootsteps.
I'm telling you my story andthis is it.
This is not my recommendationat all.
For me, telling anyone about mypostpartum bipolar was the worst
thing in the world.
I never told my husbandActually, I didn't tell him
until a couple years later, andhe was flabbergasted.
(15:42):
It was a really big deal thatwe had to work through.
I was embarrassed slightly, butmore so I felt like I was not
in my right mind to really behaving these conversations and I
was determined to do better,because I really didn't know
(16:05):
better.
I was not in my right mind.
I knew what my body needed, Iknew what it wasn't getting and
I knew how to make it better.
I had studied this for eightyears, but somewhere along the
lines I thought that I kneweverything and so I applied
nothing Like.
(16:25):
There comes a time in our liveswhere we're like, yeah, I, you
know.
I just cognitively understoodall of this, and so I was like,
yeah, I knew it, I know, I knowit, but I never really applied
it in the way in which I neededto.
And when this, my mania, cameonline, I was like, oh, yeah,
okay, I know exactly what it isthat I need to do.
(16:48):
I know what's going to beenough and again, I'm not saying
any of this was logical, likethere were some.
You're going to hear the story,but I'm just telling you what
it is that I did.
So I was going to do all ofthis on my own, bad choice,
don't do that.
And I used my highs to plan formy lows, and so I started with
(17:09):
everything that I need.
I wrote a list of exactly whatit was that I was going to need.
First off was food.
First and foremost, I knew thatI was gonna spend my high going
shopping.
I planned meticulously all ofmy meals to ensure that I was
going to get nutrient densefoods.
That was very easy for mystomach, right Ulcerative
(17:30):
colitis is no joke and I knewexactly what I needed I was
going to.
I was not on medication forthat either, and I.
That's a whole nother story,but it was a very smart move on
my part.
I actually had an allergicreaction to the medication, but
it was something that was soincredibly important to me to
(17:53):
get the nutrients that I needed,so I made a plan.
This is exactly what I'm goingto do.
I'm going to get all of myshopping done.
I think this was before mealdelivery.
You guys, this is way beforeany of those services existed.
This is way before you could goorder your food from the store,
like online.
I'm showing my age here.
(18:14):
None of that was an option.
Like I literally had to go tothe store and buy all of my
groceries and and then makebatch cook like batch cook for
the week.
Everything I had, all I had itall laid out and then I had made
sure that I knew exactly whatsupplements I needed to take.
Like it was very, very clear.
(18:36):
And what I did was I wroteeverything down Like this is
exactly what you need to do inthe morning, this is exactly
what you need to do by afternoonand exactly what you need to do
in the evening and I did it inthis way and exactly what I was
going to eat and how I was goingto take my supplements, because
I knew that when my darkdepressive episodes were going
(18:57):
to strike, that I was not goingto know anything, like I just I
would know that I did it or thatyou know, yeah, this stuff
exists, but I wouldn't know howto move through that, because
really, when you're in thosedeep, dark depressive spaces,
like everything feels difficult.
It feels like getting out ofbed is is so much of a challenge
(19:20):
, let alone remembering what youknow supplement to take or what
meal is up next, like it's justnot doable.
The next component that was soimportant to me was sleep.
Like I had to figure out sleepand this was probably one of the
hardest things, because I knowhow hard my husband was working.
(19:41):
He would.
He was working so insanely hardto try to navigate like
spending enough time with hisfamily and his, his babies and
getting to know his newestdaughter, and like raising our
children together and alsoworking full time and also
trying to navigate building ahouse, which we knew was going
(20:04):
to be challenging, but it provedto be a lot more challenging,
right, which is just life ingeneral.
But I had to sit down with himand be like this isn't working.
We can't do this and I don'tknow exactly what this means,
but I know that I need helpgetting sleep because it's not
(20:24):
happening and I feel like I'mlosing my mind over it.
And if you can't help me, thenwe're going to have to hire
somebody to do it, because Ican't live like this anymore.
And it was very much of a verylike, just like that right, it
was not asking permission, itwas not like I need help, how
(20:47):
are we going to get it?
It was very much of like Ican't live without this and I
don't know exactly how we'regoing to do it, but something
has got to change, eventemporarily, until I'm out of
this mess.
And I didn't even tell him whatmess I was in.
I was just letting him knowthat I felt like I was losing my
(21:07):
mind over not having enoughsleep.
I was breastfeeding in themiddle of the night, I was
co-sleeping and honestly, nobodytalks about this, but I have
what I now call a little badger.
She was she's the only kid thatI've ever met.
Actually, I take that back.
My niece is the exact same way,but she slept better in a
(21:28):
bassinet next to me than sheever did in my own bed in a
bassinet next to me than sheever did in my own bed.
She is still my kid, who islike hyper dependent, like
she'll look at me, she'll hug me, she'll give me a kiss and then
she's off.
Like she's just that kid Idon't know what it is, but she's
she and all of my kids.
If I wanted sleep, I had toco-sleep with them.
(21:50):
That was the thing that madesleep possible or doable, and
for her it wasn't, and that tooka lot of a learning process.
But I also needed my husband tobe there so that I could get
longer stretches, so that I canbreastfeed and then hand her off
to be burped and to hand heroff to be changed or whatever,
(22:12):
and then work through whateverit is that we needed to work
through.
So there was a couple of weekswhere he actually stayed home.
He either went to the propertybecause he had to manage
something, but was home bybedtime so that I could get the
sleep that I need, and that wasinsanely supportive and helpful.
(22:32):
And so that plan was developedand during that those manic
episodes and then implementedimmediately, and then I had to
make sure that I had enoughsupport.
So we were looking at okay, whatelse is it that I that I need?
Like, should I be the one doingall of the grocery shopping?
(22:56):
And the answer was no.
He was going to take on a lotmore of the like the grocery
shopping aspect of things, whichfeels like such a big burden.
Sometimes I look at it now andI'm like I can't believe I
needed so much help with thatLike.
That felt like such a big thing, but in the moment it was, it
was such a big deal for me.
I needed more help with laundryand I also needed some other
(23:17):
like hands-on modalities, and soI ended up doing more massage,
like I made sure that I hadscheduled out some appointments
that was going to help me,things that I knew that I was
going to feel really good about.
So there was a couple ofmassages that I would schedule
and Reiki appointments that Iwould schedule, and those things
(23:37):
always just felt really good tome, energetically and just more
aligned, and so I wouldschedule one or two of those for
like at least one a week, and Iwould make sure that that would
be my time to leave and be anadult you know, an individual
(23:58):
without my baby for like an hourtime to go get whatever it is
that I needed and then come back.
And the other thing that I didwas make sure that I was very
focused on my breathing and mynervous system and I became very
religious about journaling andmaking sure that I was paying
(24:22):
attention to my breath and mythoughts and making sure that I
was talking to myself in a veryhealthy way, which is it was
nice in the moment, especiallywhen you're feeling really good,
to be like oh yeah, yeah, yeah,that's cool.
But you know, in the darkerepisodes it was a lot harder to
do.
But I think in those manicepisodes where I was feeling
(24:45):
really high, I could journalabout all of the things that
felt really hard and I canbecome aware of them in a way
that I wasn't doing before andthat was insanely helpful.
So food, sleep, support andbreathing and I will tell you
and writing in my journal,within three weeks.
(25:06):
Within three weeks, I had nomania and no depressive episodes
again.
It was gone.
No medications.
It never came back, and so muchof that story is now like what
I'm sharing with you.
That's what you've seen in mymethod of work and how I teach
(25:26):
it right.
That is my five point frameworkand it stemmed from this exact
healing journey and thenapplying that to the moms that I
supported.
So obviously, you know, I hadto go through my own major shift
and change in the way that Itook care of myself and that
works and that's great.
But then I was like I wonderhow this is going to work for
(25:48):
other people.
And having those conversationsand applying the stuff to my
clients, it was life-changingand it was incredible what I was
witnessing from others as wellas myself.
And let me tell you, when I gotwell, like my entire life, very
already dedicated to birth andpostpartum, became that much
(26:11):
more important to me.
I changed my entire businessmodel after that.
The way I supported momschanged deeply.
This is also why I have such ahard time sharing it, because I
know that my story is not thesame.
For a lot of people.
It is, you know, an easy.
(26:32):
It's like, oh yeah, she walkedthrough this thing and it sounds
so easy and she applied thesemethods and then she was fine,
like whatever.
Or giving somebody a false hope, or encouraging somebody to not
do medications during such asignificant life, altering
diagnosis as postpartum bipolar,like I don't want that to be a
(26:54):
thing whatsoever.
That's not what I'm saying.
So why am I sharing this?
Because the stories like mine,real, raw, unfiltered are
missing from the conversation.
Postpartum bipolar is deeplymisunderstood, it's misdiagnosed
often and it's buried insilence.
(27:14):
And I've carried this story foryears out of fear that it would
make people question my work,my credibility, my expertise and
my ability to teach what Iteach and to misconstrue it as
advice.
And that's not what I'm doing.
But what I've come to know isthis my lived experience is part
(27:38):
of my expertise.
It's what drives the depth ofcompassion I bring to this work.
It's what shapes the frameworks, the protocols, the education I
share with providers, theprotocols, the education I share
with providers.
It's what helped me understandthat healing is not a one size
fits all path and thatpostpartum care must go so far
(28:02):
beyond symptom management.
This episode is not a blueprintfor how to handle postpartum
bipolar.
It is a story.
It's a reminder that we don'tneed more shame or stigma or
more silence.
We need more nuance, morehonesty, more conversations
(28:24):
about real postpartum experience, the messy, the sacred and
often terrifying parts of it.
And, more than anything, weneed providers like you who are
willing to hold space for thatcomplexity of the situation.
If you're here listening, thankyou.
(28:44):
Thank you for being someone whowants to know more, to do
better and to be a part of arevolution and care that says we
see you, we hear you and wewill never stop fighting for
your healing.
Thank you for hearing my storyand holding space for this.
Until next time, stay rooted,stay curious and stay in this
(29:07):
with me.
Thanks so much for being a partof this crucial conversation.
I know you're dedicated toadvancing postpartum care and if
you're ready to dig deeper,come join us on our newsletter,
(29:27):
where I share exclusive insights, resources and the latest tools
to help you make a lastingimpact on postpartum health.
And the latest tools to helpyou make a lasting impact on
postpartum health.
Sign up at postpartumu theletter ucom, which is in the
show notes, and if you foundtoday's episode valuable, please
leave a review to help us reachmore providers like you.
Together, we're building afuture where mothers are fully
(29:49):
supported and thriving.
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