June 17, 2025 • 27 mins
Dad brain is real: Men's brains change after baby arrives too!
Ever wonder what happens to dads when a new baby enters the picture? We all know about the wild ride moms go through, but what about the silent, powerful transformation happening in partners? If you're a postpartum provider, perinatal mental health professional, or advocate for new parents, this episode is an absolute must-listen. We're discussing the biological brain changes in men after childbirth, the paternal identity shift, and why understanding these nuances is crucial for holistic postpartum care. You're about to uncover insights that will profoundly impact how you support new families, fathers in the postpartum period, and ultimately, maternal well-being. This isn't just about men's struggles; it’s about empowering all parents to thrive in early parenthood.
Check out the episode on the blog: https://postpartumu.com/podcast/what-happens-to-dads-after-baby-the-science-behind-dad-brain-ep-220/
Key Time Stamps:
- 00:00: Intro: Unpacking fatherhood's unseen transformation.
- 03:17: The science of men's brain changes after baby.
- 04:34: Real-life impacts of paternal brain shifts.
- 06:13: Navigating increased anxiety and identity shifts in new fathers.
- 07:57: Relational strain and libido changes for dads.
- 09:32: Acknowledging male birth trauma and secondary trauma.
- 12:04: The invisible load: Financial stress and protector instincts in new fathers.
- 14:42: The societal pressure for men to "be strong."
- 15:29: Why "postpartum" is specific to mothers: The biological truth.
- 18:05: The dangers of mislabeling paternal mental health.
- 18:46: Accurate terms for paternal perinatal mental health.
- 19:14: Supporting fathers: Witnessing, educating, and partnership skills.
- 21:01: The vital balance: Supporting fathers without excusing absence.
- 22:11: Why a mother's postpartum journey is unique.
- 23:15: Holding both truths: Fathers change, postpartum is for mothers.
- 25:20: Call to action for providers and lasting impact on postpartum health.
NEXT STEPS:
🎒Download the free Postpartum Restoration Method™ Assessment Tool & Guide for Providers
🔔Sign up for the Postpartum Nutrition Certification Waitlist
👍Rate, REVIEW & share the podcast
📱Connect on Instagram!
📚Get a Copy of the BOOK: Reclaiming Postpartum Wellness
🧠Perinatal Mental Health Certificate Training & Additional Courses for Providers & Postpartum Professionals
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
The postpartum care system is failing, leaving
countless mothers strugglingwith depression, anxiety and
autoimmune conditions.
I'm Miranda Bauer and I'vehelped thousands of providers
use holistic care practices toheal their clients at the root.
Subscribe now and join us inaddressing what modern medicine
(00:22):
overlooks, so that you can giveyour clients real, lasting
solutions for lifelong wellbeing.
Hey, hey, welcome back to theshow.
Today's episode is personal,it's unnecessary and it might
just change how you seefatherhood forever.
It's being released in honorsof Father's Day, and that's no
(00:45):
coincidence, because, while thispodcast centers around maternal
health and postpartum recovery,we can't talk about the
well-being of mothers withoutalso talking about the
transformation that happens infathers.
So yes, you heard me right.
Change too, not justemotionally, but biologically,
(01:08):
neurologically, hormonally,energetically all the things.
It's not talked about enough,it's not studied nearly as much,
but the evidence is clearbecoming a father literally
rewires the male brain, and whenmen are actively involved in
caregiving, the science showsthat the brains and the body
(01:28):
shift in powerful and measurableways.
And we need to talk about thatBecause, on one hand, honoring
the shift in fathers allows usto see their experience more
clearly.
It gives them the language andthe tools to receive support.
It lets them be human, which isa massive missing part in all
(01:49):
of care in this time and space.
But on the other hand, there'sa growing trend I've seen and
frankly it's concerning, andit's the tendency to use the
term postpartum depression forfathers, and I get it.
It's well-intentioned, it'smeant to highlight that dads can
struggle too.
(02:09):
But here's the thing men don'tgo through postpartum.
That term was created todescribe a deeply physiological,
biological process unique towomen, and repurposing it for
men, even with compassion, doesmore harm than good.
So today I'm going to cover twothings we're going to honor and
(02:31):
celebrate the real changes mengo through after becoming
fathers, because they really,really matter, and lovingly,
clearly draw a line so that weprotect the sacred space that is
postpartum for mothers.
This episode is for the dads,it's for the partners, it's for
the providers who support bothparents, for anyone trying to
(02:53):
understand this transition morefully and for those of us doing
the hard work of redefining whattrue postpartum care actually
looks like, because when we tellthe truth, even when it's
complex or messy, we create aspace for everyone to heal.
So let's dig in.
(03:17):
You may have heard about theincredible brain shifts that
happen for women in postpartum.
Maybe just maybe, especially ifyou've listened to this podcast
and the rewiring of thematernal brain, the loss of gray
matter and creating and veryspecific areas within the brain
to enhance empathy instinct andcaregiving response.
But here's what most peopledon't realize men's brain
(03:40):
changes, too, especially whenthey're actively involved in
caregiving.
Changes, too, especially whenthey're actively involved in
caregiving.
There was a groundbreaking 2022study from PNAS that found that
first-time fathers experiencestructural changes in the
brain's cortex, so particularlyin regions associated with
emotional processing, attentionand attachment, and these
(04:01):
changes help them respond moresensitively to their infant's
needs.
And it doesn't stop there.
Another study found that men'slevels of oxytocin, the bonding
hormone, the love hormoneincreases significantly when
they engage in hands-on infantcare.
We know also that testosteronelevels drop in new fathers, a
(04:25):
biological adaptation, which itis believed to be, that lowers
aggression and promotesnurturing behavior.
So becoming a father isn't justlike this emotional event,
although it is.
It's also also also abiological metamorphosis.
It changes the brain, thehormones and even the way they
(04:48):
see and interpret the world, andthis is profound.
It's beautiful, and yet it'svery rarely talked about.
Okay, so what does thisactually mean for fathers, right
?
So now that we know what'shappening in the brain, how it's
literally reshaping itselfduring the transition into
parenthood.
But what does that actuallylook like?
So these structures andhormonal shifts aren't just data
(05:10):
points.
They're real, lived outcomes.
So we have sensitivity,heightened sensitivity and
emotional awareness.
So a lot of new fathers reportfeeling emotions in new ways
deeper empathy, unexpectedtenderness, a newfound
sensitivity to their partner andtheir baby's needs.
Some even feel emotionallyoverwhelmed at times.
(05:31):
They're not sure how to processit, and we know that men have a
tendency to feel like they haveto hold that in a little bit
more.
Oftentimes men, especially inour generation, don't feel like
they are safe in their emotions.
They don't have someone thatthey can talk to to process it.
They weren't trained or toldhow to process it.
(05:53):
They were told how to hide itRight.
And so this is our huge, hugecomponent into fatherhood this
brain shifting to be moreattuned, more caregiving, brain
shifting to be more attuned,more caregiving.
It's not a weakness.
We have to realize that.
It's an adaptation and thispart can be really difficult for
a lot of men.
(06:13):
We also have increased anxietyabout safety and responsibility.
The paternal brain rewires forprotection and provision and
many fathers experience anuptick and intrusive thoughts.
They worry about the baby'ssafety, the mother's safety,
sudden fear of failure or thisoverwhelming pressure to get it
(06:34):
right and to provide.
And again, this is normal.
But without a supportive outletit can quickly escalate into
chronic stress or evendepression and anxiety.
And then there's changes inidentity like a shift is massive
.
One of the biggest physiologicaltransformations men face after
(06:57):
having a baby is the sense ofbeing torn between their former
selves and this new role as afather.
Who am I?
Where does my ambition fit?
How do I connect with mypartner now that we're parents?
Am I doing enough?
Am I enough?
These are deep existentialquestions and, just like with
moms, they deserve a space to beexplored, and many of us moms
(07:20):
can relate to all of thisbecause we also experience these
big identity shifts and we askthe same questions right, so we
can really feel this on a deeplevel.
We can feel empathy for this aswell.
The other thing, too, is theshifts in libido and body
awareness.
So lower testosterone andhigher oxytocin levels can lead
(07:40):
to this temporary shift inlibido and mood and even how
fathers feel in their own body.
So, while this is biologicallyadaptive, many men are not
expecting it and they might feelconfused and even ashamed.
And then there's relationalstrain.
A father's mental and emotionallandscape shifts in a way that
(08:03):
impacts his partnership.
If emotional support andcommunication and shared
responsibility are not nurtured,resentment or disconnection may
build.
And this is made harder whenthe father doesn't have the
words or the tools to expresswhat he's going through.
And we feel it too as moms thatshared responsibility and that
(08:28):
connection and that emotionalsupport.
When that's not nurtured,resentment or disconnection may
build as well.
And so we have both of thesehappening simultaneously in very
different ways that arepresenting and the same kind of
symptoms.
And when they are notintertwined, when they don't
(08:49):
come together, it creates havoc,it creates problems within the
relationship.
And so when men change afterhaving a baby, there is a lot
that is happening, right.
They're not just more tired,they're not just needing to
adjust, but literally beingreprogrammed to love and protect
and provide and new,biologically driven ways.
(09:12):
This is challenging, right?
Society often doesn't give menpermission or language to talk
about these shifts, and then thesilence can become sufferable.
And then there's birth traumaand secondary trauma, before we
can even talk about theinvisible load of fatherhood.
We need to address somethingthat is rarely ever acknowledged
(09:35):
, and that's that many menexperience birth trauma, even if
they didn't give birth right.
We often think that birthtrauma as something that happens
only to the mother.
But witnessing a birth,especially when things go
unexpectedly emergencyinterventions, hemorrhage,
cesarean, the baby not breathingright right away that can be
(09:58):
deeply traumatizing for fathers.
They may not even recognize itas trauma a lot of the times,
but it shows up in their nervoussystem in a way that they like
hyper fixate on safety and theway they pull away, in the way
that they can't sleep.
And then there's secondarytrauma absorbing the stress,
(10:19):
pain or suffering of someonethat they love.
Watching their partner bleed,break down, cry with exhaustion
or pain, losing her sense ofself this is traumatic too.
It lodges in the mind and body,especially if men in particular
don't feel like they have thetools to support and help.
(10:40):
They want to fix right.
This is oftentimes when womensay I just want you to listen to
me and they're like I don'tknow how to listen, I just need
to fix it, I need to know whatyou want me to do, right.
And this is very applicable tooIf they don't know how to fix
it and they are just witnessingit.
Oh my word, that in itself canbe such a massive, massive
problem, and it doesn't go awayjust because a baby is healthy
(11:04):
or time has passed right, or amother is healthy and time has
passed.
And here's the catch Men arerarely given space to process
any of this.
They're told to be strong, besupportive, be stable.
They push it down, they carryit silently, and that unspoken
trauma, it's the quiet beginningof the invisible load they'll
(11:25):
carry for months, sometimesyears to come, and it's it's
funny for me to say this,because when I, because when I'm
saying it for men, I'm likewell, duh, like this is exactly
what happens for women too,right, we're not given the space
to process any of this, andwe're told that we're super
women and that we just this is apart of being a mother and just
(11:48):
to move on, and we're strongand we can do it, and we push it
down and we carry it silently,right, and all of the things.
And it hits men very.
It hits men as well, butsometimes in a different way
than it hits women, andsometimes in the exact same way.
And while maternal mental healthis finally gaining more
(12:08):
visibility, what's oftenoverlooked is this immense
pressure men face in the earlyyears and days after becoming a
father, especially when it comesto the role of protector and
provider.
These aren't just culturalexpectations.
They're deeply ingrained in aman's identity.
They shape how society definesyou know quote unquote being a
(12:32):
good dad.
There's lots of differentpressures in the way in which
they can manifest.
Oftentimes there's financialstress that becomes an identity
stress.
Men are often expected toreturn to work immediately,
sometimes days after theirpartner gives birth.
There's rarely a conversationabout whether they need support.
(12:52):
It's about what they're goingto provide.
Next right Can I afford timeoff?
Am I earning enough?
How do I support a growingfamily and maintain my career?
What if I fail?
What if I lose my job?
When the ability to providebecomes entangled with
(13:20):
self-worth, like anything anyhiccup, a mispromotion,
unexpected expenses or evenfeeling unprepared it can hit
like a ton of bricks and it canhit like a crisis of identity.
And then there's this protectorinstinct, like the biologically
and emotionally.
The emotional instinct fathersoften experience is like this
hyper vigilance in the earlypostpartum period.
This is instinctual.
(13:41):
It's, you know, protect thenest, keep the family safe, but
without tools to regulate thatheightened sense of
responsibility.
It can easily become anxiety,irritability, emotional
withdrawal, obsession withcontrol, and this doesn't always
get recognized as mental health.
Instead, it shows up asoverworking or shutting down
(14:04):
emotionally or becoming distant,all while silently carrying the
weight of keeping it alltogether and there's no space to
say I'm not okay.
Right, let's be real.
There is still so little spacefor men to say that they're
struggling.
We see for women that this isbecoming more and more of a
normal.
Where we're, we're tellingwomen it's.
(14:24):
We tell women all the time it'sokay that you're not okay, and
in truth it's really not, but weare in our process of
normalizing it.
We're also normalizing going toget support, we're going to get
therapy and counseling, and formen, that's just not the case.
We're still not even there yet.
For them, they're praised forstepping up, for being such a
(14:45):
good dad, but behind the scenes,right, they're falling apart,
they're sleep deprived, they'reemotionally confused, they're
financially overwhelmed.
They're sleep deprived, they'reemotionally confused, they're
financially overwhelmed, they'reterrified of getting it wrong,
and then they often believethey're not allowed to struggle,
especially if their partner isrecovering from birth, and a
(15:06):
birth that they witnessed andthey understood how insanely
difficult that was, and so theybury it and then they silence it
and it's heavy.
And this is where things getcomplicated, because these are
serious emotional and mentalchallenges, but they are not
postpartum.
They are not postpartumdepression.
The emotional burden is real,it is valid and it needs support
(15:28):
.
But co-opting the termpostpartum, which is specific to
the physiological, hormonal andneurological cascade of events
that only happens to a mother'sbody after birth, it diminishes
the biological truth ofpostpartum for women and for men
.
So let's name what's absolutelyhappening here and let's name
(15:54):
it accurately and the languagegets tricky.
And again, it's deeplyimportant.
Yes, fathers experienceemotional and psychological
shifts after their child is born.
Yes, they can experiencedepression, anxiety,
disconnection, identity crisis.
Again, not postpartum.
Postpartum isn't a timeframe,it's not simply after baby comes
(16:18):
.
It is a biological,neurological, endocrine,
physiological state, all thethings right, all the things,
all the states that happeninside the body when somebody
has just given birth.
It involves a complete collapseand rebuild of the hormonal
system, a rewiring of thematernal brain, nutrient
(16:40):
depletion on a cellular level,physical trauma and recovery,
even in easy births or quote,unquote, easy births.
An immune system shift thatinfluences inflammation and
mental health, organrepositioning, literal uterine
involution, milk production somuch more.
(17:00):
No matter how present andinvolved a father is, his body
has not gone through that, andcalling male mental health
struggles postpartum depressionis not just inaccurate Again,
it's a disservice to both menand women.
And instead, before I get there, here's why it matters because
it dilutes the specificity ofmaternal care.
(17:22):
Right.
When we use the same terminologyfor men and women, we lose
sight of the critical need forpostpartum care that addresses
the unique biological recoveryof mothers.
It also misdiagnoses the rootcause.
Father's mental healthstruggles are often tied to
identity and stress andrelational changes and trauma or
(17:43):
unprocessed grief.
These are very real, but theyare not the same as hormonal
collapse or nutrient-drivendepression, and it prevents real
solutions.
If we misname what's happening,we also misdirect the treatment
.
Men need support, but the carethey need looks different than
what a postpartum mother needs.
(18:04):
So what do we call it Like?
Is there an official term?
No, there is not yet anofficial term, but many
psychologists are leaningtowards more accurate,
differentiated language.
I'm not the first person tocome up with this or to say, hey
, this red flag, here somethingis not right.
So here's a couple of thingsthat we've been calling it
(18:26):
unofficially, and that'spaternal perinatal mental health
challenges.
Paternal adjustment disorder,fatherhood transition depression
.
Postnatal paternal mooddisorders.
Depression, postnatal paternalmood disorders those are the
four terms that I have beenhearing and these terms
(18:50):
acknowledge that, yes, men areemotionally affected by the
arrival of a baby, but they alsopreserve that specificity and
integrity of the postpartumstate, which only applies to
birthing bodies and that mattersa lot.
If we want to truly supportfamilies, we must support the
fathers, not by calling himpostpartum but by calling him
(19:13):
forward.
And fathers need a place to bewitnessed, space where their
fears and anxieties and identityshifts can be named without
judgment.
Education on the science ofwhat's happening in their brains
and bodies.
When men understand thatthey're not just being moody but
that this is real rewiringthat's happening, they soften,
(19:38):
they begin to allow themselvessome grace.
Teaching partnership skills.
Fathers need tools to navigatethe emotional landscape of
healing a mother and having anewborn and their own internal
landscapes.
Jokes, but like realconversations about sex after
(19:59):
birth and mental load andresentment and fear of failure.
And encouragement to seek care,therapy, coaching, body work,
spiritual grounding, whatever itis that helps them root and
regulate, because when fathersare supported, families have a
better chance to thrive.
(20:19):
Now, listen, this next partmight feel tender, but it's also
very important to say, because,while we're here talking about
the very real brain changes andidentity shifts and emotional
challenges that fathers faceafter having a baby, we need to
be equally honest about whatmothers are experiencing in the
(20:43):
exact same window of time.
And the truth is, many motherscome into postpartum desperate
for support, only to realizethat their partner doesn't know
how to show up or won't, orsimply wasn't prepared to meet
the full depth of whatpostpartum requires.
(21:04):
And this, this is the part thatstings, because even though
fathers go through some change,it's not the same.
He didn't carry a baby for ninemonths, he didn't go through
the physical trauma of birth, hedidn't bleed for weeks or leak
milk or lie awake with a racingheart wondering if her baby was
breathing.
(21:24):
He may be tired, but he's notrebuilding his body from scratch
.
So, no, this is not a pass forabsent partners.
This is not an excuse forignoring the care a mother so
clearly deserves.
What it is is an invitation, aninvitation for fathers to rise,
(21:45):
to meet the moment, tounderstand their role in
protecting the mother andhealing, and even while
navigating their own growth,because when she is nourished
and supported and seen, thewhole family gets even stronger.
So it's not either or this isboth an aunt.
When we support fathers so thatthey can better support the
(22:06):
mothers, we can name theinvisible load of men and what
they go through, and that canoften feel unbearable,
especially for postpartum women.
But we don't need to fight overwho has it worse right.
That is completelyinappropriate and not necessary,
(22:26):
and we need to start gettinghonest about what healing looks
like for all of us.
So what do we take from all ofthis right?
We take the truth that fatherschange, that their brains rewire
, that their hearts areexpanding and their inner world
is shifting, that they too feelthe pressure, they feel the
weight to protect, to provide,to be a steady space in a storm
(22:51):
that they were not taught how toweather.
We honor that truth, but wealso hold another truth that
postpartum is not somethingfathers go through, that the
biological, emotional, hormonaland physiological transformation
of becoming a mother isunmatched and it is hers.
And when we give the label ofpostpartum depression or
(23:15):
postpartum anxiety or whateverit is postpartum, we are
watering down the truth of whathappens to women.
We take something sacred,something specific and wildly
complex and we universalize itto the point that it loses its
meaning.
And I believe there's a betterway, a better way we can
acknowledge the emotionalchanges men go through without
(23:39):
erasing the distinct journey ofpostpartum women.
We can support fathers to risein their role without letting
mothers fall through the cracks.
We can build a culture of carethat doesn't force us to choose
and maybe that's the real pointof all of this not to compare
(24:01):
pain or pit one against another,but to create a postpartum
world where everyone is changedand everyone is supported.
Let's be let this be a reminderthat we carry forward for this
Father's Day.
That strength is not inpretending to have it all
(24:22):
together.
It's facing what's hard, it'sfeeling what's real and choosing
again and again to love better,lead better and care deeper
together.
Thanks so much for being a partof this crucial conversation.
(24:42):
I know you're dedicated toadvancing postpartum care and if
you're ready to dig deeper,come join us on our newsletter,
where I share exclusive insights, resources and the latest tools
to help you make a lastingimpact on postpartum health.
Sign up at postpartumu theletter ucom which is in the show
(25:03):
notes, and if you found today'sepisode valuable.
Please leave a review to helpus reach more providers like you
.
Together, we're building afuture where mothers are fully
supported and thriving.
Thank you for driving.
The postpartum care system is failing, leaving
countless mothers strugglingwith depression, anxiety and
autoimmune conditions.
I'm Miranda Bauer and I'vehelped thousands of providers
use holistic care practices toheal their clients at the root.
Subscribe now and join us inaddressing what modern medicine
(00:22):
overlooks, so that you can giveyour clients real, lasting
solutions for lifelong wellbeing.
Hey, hey, welcome back to theshow.
Today's episode is personal,it's unnecessary and it might
just change how you seefatherhood forever.
It's being released in honorsof Father's Day, and that's no
(00:45):
coincidence, because, while thispodcast centers around maternal
health and postpartum recovery,we can't talk about the
well-being of mothers withoutalso talking about the
transformation that happens infathers.
So yes, you heard me right.
Change too, not justemotionally, but biologically,
(01:08):
neurologically, hormonally,energetically all the things.
It's not talked about enough,it's not studied nearly as much,
but the evidence is clearbecoming a father literally
rewires the male brain, and whenmen are actively involved in
caregiving, the science showsthat the brains and the body
(01:28):
shift in powerful and measurableways.
And we need to talk about thatBecause, on one hand, honoring
the shift in fathers allows usto see their experience more
clearly.
It gives them the language andthe tools to receive support.
It lets them be human, which isa massive missing part in all
(01:49):
of care in this time and space.
But on the other hand, there'sa growing trend I've seen and
frankly it's concerning, andit's the tendency to use the
term postpartum depression forfathers, and I get it.
It's well-intentioned, it'smeant to highlight that dads can
struggle too.
(02:09):
But here's the thing men don'tgo through postpartum.
That term was created todescribe a deeply physiological,
biological process unique towomen, and repurposing it for
men, even with compassion, doesmore harm than good.
So today I'm going to cover twothings we're going to honor and
(02:31):
celebrate the real changes mengo through after becoming
fathers, because they really,really matter, and lovingly,
clearly draw a line so that weprotect the sacred space that is
postpartum for mothers.
This episode is for the dads,it's for the partners, it's for
the providers who support bothparents, for anyone trying to
(02:53):
understand this transition morefully and for those of us doing
the hard work of redefining whattrue postpartum care actually
looks like, because when we tellthe truth, even when it's
complex or messy, we create aspace for everyone to heal.
So let's dig in.
(03:17):
You may have heard about theincredible brain shifts that
happen for women in postpartum.
Maybe just maybe, especially ifyou've listened to this podcast
and the rewiring of thematernal brain, the loss of gray
matter and creating and veryspecific areas within the brain
to enhance empathy instinct andcaregiving response.
But here's what most peopledon't realize men's brain
(03:40):
changes, too, especially whenthey're actively involved in
caregiving.
Changes, too, especially whenthey're actively involved in
caregiving.
There was a groundbreaking 2022study from PNAS that found that
first-time fathers experiencestructural changes in the
brain's cortex, so particularlyin regions associated with
emotional processing, attentionand attachment, and these
(04:01):
changes help them respond moresensitively to their infant's
needs.
And it doesn't stop there.
Another study found that men'slevels of oxytocin, the bonding
hormone, the love hormoneincreases significantly when
they engage in hands-on infantcare.
We know also that testosteronelevels drop in new fathers, a
(04:25):
biological adaptation, which itis believed to be, that lowers
aggression and promotesnurturing behavior.
So becoming a father isn't justlike this emotional event,
although it is.
It's also also also abiological metamorphosis.
It changes the brain, thehormones and even the way they
(04:48):
see and interpret the world, andthis is profound.
It's beautiful, and yet it'svery rarely talked about.
Okay, so what does thisactually mean for fathers, right
?
So now that we know what'shappening in the brain, how it's
literally reshaping itselfduring the transition into
parenthood.
But what does that actuallylook like?
So these structures andhormonal shifts aren't just data
(05:10):
points.
They're real, lived outcomes.
So we have sensitivity,heightened sensitivity and
emotional awareness.
So a lot of new fathers reportfeeling emotions in new ways
deeper empathy, unexpectedtenderness, a newfound
sensitivity to their partner andtheir baby's needs.
Some even feel emotionallyoverwhelmed at times.
(05:31):
They're not sure how to processit, and we know that men have a
tendency to feel like they haveto hold that in a little bit
more.
Oftentimes men, especially inour generation, don't feel like
they are safe in their emotions.
They don't have someone thatthey can talk to to process it.
They weren't trained or toldhow to process it.
(05:53):
They were told how to hide itRight.
And so this is our huge, hugecomponent into fatherhood this
brain shifting to be moreattuned, more caregiving, brain
shifting to be more attuned,more caregiving.
It's not a weakness.
We have to realize that.
It's an adaptation and thispart can be really difficult for
a lot of men.
(06:13):
We also have increased anxietyabout safety and responsibility.
The paternal brain rewires forprotection and provision and
many fathers experience anuptick and intrusive thoughts.
They worry about the baby'ssafety, the mother's safety,
sudden fear of failure or thisoverwhelming pressure to get it
(06:34):
right and to provide.
And again, this is normal.
But without a supportive outletit can quickly escalate into
chronic stress or evendepression and anxiety.
And then there's changes inidentity like a shift is massive
.
One of the biggest physiologicaltransformations men face after
(06:57):
having a baby is the sense ofbeing torn between their former
selves and this new role as afather.
Who am I?
Where does my ambition fit?
How do I connect with mypartner now that we're parents?
Am I doing enough?
Am I enough?
These are deep existentialquestions and, just like with
moms, they deserve a space to beexplored, and many of us moms
(07:20):
can relate to all of thisbecause we also experience these
big identity shifts and we askthe same questions right, so we
can really feel this on a deeplevel.
We can feel empathy for this aswell.
The other thing, too, is theshifts in libido and body
awareness.
So lower testosterone andhigher oxytocin levels can lead
(07:40):
to this temporary shift inlibido and mood and even how
fathers feel in their own body.
So, while this is biologicallyadaptive, many men are not
expecting it and they might feelconfused and even ashamed.
And then there's relationalstrain.
A father's mental and emotionallandscape shifts in a way that
(08:03):
impacts his partnership.
If emotional support andcommunication and shared
responsibility are not nurtured,resentment or disconnection may
build.
And this is made harder whenthe father doesn't have the
words or the tools to expresswhat he's going through.
And we feel it too as moms thatshared responsibility and that
(08:28):
connection and that emotionalsupport.
When that's not nurtured,resentment or disconnection may
build as well.
And so we have both of thesehappening simultaneously in very
different ways that arepresenting and the same kind of
symptoms.
And when they are notintertwined, when they don't
(08:49):
come together, it creates havoc,it creates problems within the
relationship.
And so when men change afterhaving a baby, there is a lot
that is happening, right.
They're not just more tired,they're not just needing to
adjust, but literally beingreprogrammed to love and protect
and provide and new,biologically driven ways.
(09:12):
This is challenging, right?
Society often doesn't give menpermission or language to talk
about these shifts, and then thesilence can become sufferable.
And then there's birth traumaand secondary trauma, before we
can even talk about theinvisible load of fatherhood.
We need to address somethingthat is rarely ever acknowledged
(09:35):
, and that's that many menexperience birth trauma, even if
they didn't give birth right.
We often think that birthtrauma as something that happens
only to the mother.
But witnessing a birth,especially when things go
unexpectedly emergencyinterventions, hemorrhage,
cesarean, the baby not breathingright right away that can be
(09:58):
deeply traumatizing for fathers.
They may not even recognize itas trauma a lot of the times,
but it shows up in their nervoussystem in a way that they like
hyper fixate on safety and theway they pull away, in the way
that they can't sleep.
And then there's secondarytrauma absorbing the stress,
(10:19):
pain or suffering of someonethat they love.
Watching their partner bleed,break down, cry with exhaustion
or pain, losing her sense ofself this is traumatic too.
It lodges in the mind and body,especially if men in particular
don't feel like they have thetools to support and help.
(10:40):
They want to fix right.
This is oftentimes when womensay I just want you to listen to
me and they're like I don'tknow how to listen, I just need
to fix it, I need to know whatyou want me to do, right.
And this is very applicable tooIf they don't know how to fix
it and they are just witnessingit.
Oh my word, that in itself canbe such a massive, massive
problem, and it doesn't go awayjust because a baby is healthy
(11:04):
or time has passed right, or amother is healthy and time has
passed.
And here's the catch Men arerarely given space to process
any of this.
They're told to be strong, besupportive, be stable.
They push it down, they carryit silently, and that unspoken
trauma, it's the quiet beginningof the invisible load they'll
(11:25):
carry for months, sometimesyears to come, and it's it's
funny for me to say this,because when I, because when I'm
saying it for men, I'm likewell, duh, like this is exactly
what happens for women too,right, we're not given the space
to process any of this, andwe're told that we're super
women and that we just this is apart of being a mother and just
(11:48):
to move on, and we're strongand we can do it, and we push it
down and we carry it silently,right, and all of the things.
And it hits men very.
It hits men as well, butsometimes in a different way
than it hits women, andsometimes in the exact same way.
And while maternal mental healthis finally gaining more
(12:08):
visibility, what's oftenoverlooked is this immense
pressure men face in the earlyyears and days after becoming a
father, especially when it comesto the role of protector and
provider.
These aren't just culturalexpectations.
They're deeply ingrained in aman's identity.
They shape how society definesyou know quote unquote being a
(12:32):
good dad.
There's lots of differentpressures in the way in which
they can manifest.
Oftentimes there's financialstress that becomes an identity
stress.
Men are often expected toreturn to work immediately,
sometimes days after theirpartner gives birth.
There's rarely a conversationabout whether they need support.
(12:52):
It's about what they're goingto provide.
Next right Can I afford timeoff?
Am I earning enough?
How do I support a growingfamily and maintain my career?
What if I fail?
What if I lose my job?
When the ability to providebecomes entangled with
(13:20):
self-worth, like anything anyhiccup, a mispromotion,
unexpected expenses or evenfeeling unprepared it can hit
like a ton of bricks and it canhit like a crisis of identity.
And then there's this protectorinstinct, like the biologically
and emotionally.
The emotional instinct fathersoften experience is like this
hyper vigilance in the earlypostpartum period.
This is instinctual.
(13:41):
It's, you know, protect thenest, keep the family safe, but
without tools to regulate thatheightened sense of
responsibility.
It can easily become anxiety,irritability, emotional
withdrawal, obsession withcontrol, and this doesn't always
get recognized as mental health.
Instead, it shows up asoverworking or shutting down
(14:04):
emotionally or becoming distant,all while silently carrying the
weight of keeping it alltogether and there's no space to
say I'm not okay.
Right, let's be real.
There is still so little spacefor men to say that they're
struggling.
We see for women that this isbecoming more and more of a
normal.
Where we're, we're tellingwomen it's.
(14:24):
We tell women all the time it'sokay that you're not okay, and
in truth it's really not, but weare in our process of
normalizing it.
We're also normalizing going toget support, we're going to get
therapy and counseling, and formen, that's just not the case.
We're still not even there yet.
For them, they're praised forstepping up, for being such a
(14:45):
good dad, but behind the scenes,right, they're falling apart,
they're sleep deprived, they'reemotionally confused, they're
financially overwhelmed.
They're sleep deprived, they'reemotionally confused, they're
financially overwhelmed, they'reterrified of getting it wrong,
and then they often believethey're not allowed to struggle,
especially if their partner isrecovering from birth, and a
(15:06):
birth that they witnessed andthey understood how insanely
difficult that was, and so theybury it and then they silence it
and it's heavy.
And this is where things getcomplicated, because these are
serious emotional and mentalchallenges, but they are not
postpartum.
They are not postpartumdepression.
The emotional burden is real,it is valid and it needs support
(15:28):
.
But co-opting the termpostpartum, which is specific to
the physiological, hormonal andneurological cascade of events
that only happens to a mother'sbody after birth, it diminishes
the biological truth ofpostpartum for women and for men
.
So let's name what's absolutelyhappening here and let's name
(15:54):
it accurately and the languagegets tricky.
And again, it's deeplyimportant.
Yes, fathers experienceemotional and psychological
shifts after their child is born.
Yes, they can experiencedepression, anxiety,
disconnection, identity crisis.
Again, not postpartum.
Postpartum isn't a timeframe,it's not simply after baby comes
(16:18):
.
It is a biological,neurological, endocrine,
physiological state, all thethings right, all the things,
all the states that happeninside the body when somebody
has just given birth.
It involves a complete collapseand rebuild of the hormonal
system, a rewiring of thematernal brain, nutrient
(16:40):
depletion on a cellular level,physical trauma and recovery,
even in easy births or quote,unquote, easy births.
An immune system shift thatinfluences inflammation and
mental health, organrepositioning, literal uterine
involution, milk production somuch more.
(17:00):
No matter how present andinvolved a father is, his body
has not gone through that, andcalling male mental health
struggles postpartum depressionis not just inaccurate Again,
it's a disservice to both menand women.
And instead, before I get there, here's why it matters because
it dilutes the specificity ofmaternal care.
(17:22):
Right.
When we use the same terminologyfor men and women, we lose
sight of the critical need forpostpartum care that addresses
the unique biological recoveryof mothers.
It also misdiagnoses the rootcause.
Father's mental healthstruggles are often tied to
identity and stress andrelational changes and trauma or
(17:43):
unprocessed grief.
These are very real, but theyare not the same as hormonal
collapse or nutrient-drivendepression, and it prevents real
solutions.
If we misname what's happening,we also misdirect the treatment
.
Men need support, but the carethey need looks different than
what a postpartum mother needs.
(18:04):
So what do we call it Like?
Is there an official term?
No, there is not yet anofficial term, but many
psychologists are leaningtowards more accurate,
differentiated language.
I'm not the first person tocome up with this or to say, hey
, this red flag, here somethingis not right.
So here's a couple of thingsthat we've been calling it
(18:26):
unofficially, and that'spaternal perinatal mental health
challenges.
Paternal adjustment disorder,fatherhood transition depression
.
Postnatal paternal mooddisorders.
Depression, postnatal paternalmood disorders those are the
four terms that I have beenhearing and these terms
(18:50):
acknowledge that, yes, men areemotionally affected by the
arrival of a baby, but they alsopreserve that specificity and
integrity of the postpartumstate, which only applies to
birthing bodies and that mattersa lot.
If we want to truly supportfamilies, we must support the
fathers, not by calling himpostpartum but by calling him
(19:13):
forward.
And fathers need a place to bewitnessed, space where their
fears and anxieties and identityshifts can be named without
judgment.
Education on the science ofwhat's happening in their brains
and bodies.
When men understand thatthey're not just being moody but
that this is real rewiringthat's happening, they soften,
(19:38):
they begin to allow themselvessome grace.
Teaching partnership skills.
Fathers need tools to navigatethe emotional landscape of
healing a mother and having anewborn and their own internal
landscapes.
Jokes, but like realconversations about sex after
(19:59):
birth and mental load andresentment and fear of failure.
And encouragement to seek care,therapy, coaching, body work,
spiritual grounding, whatever itis that helps them root and
regulate, because when fathersare supported, families have a
better chance to thrive.
(20:19):
Now, listen, this next partmight feel tender, but it's also
very important to say, because,while we're here talking about
the very real brain changes andidentity shifts and emotional
challenges that fathers faceafter having a baby, we need to
be equally honest about whatmothers are experiencing in the
(20:43):
exact same window of time.
And the truth is, many motherscome into postpartum desperate
for support, only to realizethat their partner doesn't know
how to show up or won't, orsimply wasn't prepared to meet
the full depth of whatpostpartum requires.
(21:04):
And this, this is the part thatstings, because even though
fathers go through some change,it's not the same.
He didn't carry a baby for ninemonths, he didn't go through
the physical trauma of birth, hedidn't bleed for weeks or leak
milk or lie awake with a racingheart wondering if her baby was
breathing.
(21:24):
He may be tired, but he's notrebuilding his body from scratch
.
So, no, this is not a pass forabsent partners.
This is not an excuse forignoring the care a mother so
clearly deserves.
What it is is an invitation, aninvitation for fathers to rise,
(21:45):
to meet the moment, tounderstand their role in
protecting the mother andhealing, and even while
navigating their own growth,because when she is nourished
and supported and seen, thewhole family gets even stronger.
So it's not either or this isboth an aunt.
When we support fathers so thatthey can better support the
(22:06):
mothers, we can name theinvisible load of men and what
they go through, and that canoften feel unbearable,
especially for postpartum women.
But we don't need to fight overwho has it worse right.
That is completelyinappropriate and not necessary,
(22:26):
and we need to start gettinghonest about what healing looks
like for all of us.
So what do we take from all ofthis right?
We take the truth that fatherschange, that their brains rewire
, that their hearts areexpanding and their inner world
is shifting, that they too feelthe pressure, they feel the
weight to protect, to provide,to be a steady space in a storm
(22:51):
that they were not taught how toweather.
We honor that truth, but wealso hold another truth that
postpartum is not somethingfathers go through, that the
biological, emotional, hormonaland physiological transformation
of becoming a mother isunmatched and it is hers.
And when we give the label ofpostpartum depression or
(23:15):
postpartum anxiety or whateverit is postpartum, we are
watering down the truth of whathappens to women.
We take something sacred,something specific and wildly
complex and we universalize itto the point that it loses its
meaning.
And I believe there's a betterway, a better way we can
acknowledge the emotionalchanges men go through without
(23:39):
erasing the distinct journey ofpostpartum women.
We can support fathers to risein their role without letting
mothers fall through the cracks.
We can build a culture of carethat doesn't force us to choose
and maybe that's the real pointof all of this not to compare
(24:01):
pain or pit one against another,but to create a postpartum
world where everyone is changedand everyone is supported.
Let's be let this be a reminderthat we carry forward for this
Father's Day.
That strength is not inpretending to have it all
(24:22):
together.
It's facing what's hard, it'sfeeling what's real and choosing
again and again to love better,lead better and care deeper
together.
Thanks so much for being a partof this crucial conversation.
(24:42):
I know you're dedicated toadvancing postpartum care and if
you're ready to dig deeper,come join us on our newsletter,
where I share exclusive insights, resources and the latest tools
to help you make a lastingimpact on postpartum health.
Sign up at postpartumu theletter ucom which is in the show
(25:03):
notes, and if you found today'sepisode valuable.
Please leave a review to helpus reach more providers like you
.
Together, we're building afuture where mothers are fully
supported and thriving.
Thank you for driving.
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