April 14, 2025 • 36 mins
In this episode of the Practical Spirituality Podcast, Gareth and Kim explore the heavy weight of regret and how it can stay with us for years, replaying thoughts of what might have been. They offer a new perspective—what if regret isn’t punishment, but a form of redirection.
Through thoughtful reflection and personal stories, they unpack why regret lingers long after events have passed. That feeling of “if only” or “what if” often points to unresolved lessons or personal growth still waiting to happen. Rather than seeing regret as something to avoid, Gareth and Kim suggest it can be a guide toward healing and transformation.
They explore how these thought loops can help break old patterns and behaviors that no longer serve us. Taking responsibility, they explain, isn’t about blame—it’s about recognizing that if something still feels unsettled, there may be wisdom in revisiting it. While we can’t change the past, our hosts encourage listeners to find peace by accepting it—and becoming more present and authentic in the process.
Become a Community Member at https://community.garethmichael.com/ to join our community and get early access to new episodes, answers to your personal questions and so much more.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:12):
Welcome back to the Practical Spirituality Podcast.
We are so excited to have youon this journey with us, where
we explore all elements of mind,body, emotions and soul through
the lens of everyday life.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Hello Kim.
Speaker 1 (00:30):
Hello Gareth, how are you?
Speaker 2 (00:32):
I'm doing good.
How are you doing?
Speaker 1 (00:34):
I'm doing pretty good .
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Are you adapting to our new arrangements time-wise?
Speaker 1 (00:38):
No, I like early mornings better.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
So everyone's aware, since the time change has
happened, it went from recordingin my evenings and Kim's early
mornings to the opposite, intoKim's evenings and my mornings.
So a little bit of a change.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
A little bit.
So I think we have a reallyinteresting topic to talk about
this week, gareth, and I reallydo wonder sometimes where you
come up with these things aboutthis week, gareth, and I really
do wonder sometimes where youcome up with these things, but
it's okay.
I think this week we're goingto confront regret and how do we
move forward and leave thatregret behind.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
Well, when I think about the topics to talk about
on the podcast, I just go to theKim Jewell vault of experience
and have a nose around and gothat could be good or relatable
to the Kim Jewell vault ofexperience.
And have a nose around and gothat could be good or relatable
to the listeners.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
I'm sure they're very bored with my life by now.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
I think that's impossible.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
Not so sure about that.
Speaker 2 (01:37):
So, when it comes to regret, I think it's just a very
, once again, universalexperience that can creep its
head in very different ways aswe go throughout life, and I
don't think we really allunderstand what is the
foundations of regret and what'sto learn from it when it's
triggered as we go through life.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
So, when we talk about regret, I think one of the
things that we want to clarifyis that the actual meaning of it
is that sense of sadness orrepentance or disappointment
over something that has happenedor something that hasn't
happened, or something we'vedone or we haven't done.
(02:28):
And how we get stuck in theregret is we consider it that
we've missed a chance or we arethe cause of something that's
happened or something thathasn't happened, like a broken
relationship or an unachieveddream.
And I can tell you this, as muchas I hate to admit it, it comes
up quite a bit with me becauseI think if I hadn't been like
this, then I could have donethis.
Or if I had gotten a little bitmore awareness earlier, I could
(02:49):
have been achieving so muchmore.
And as doing the work with youand doing my own personal growth
, one of the things that it'scome to you've explained to me
many times, which I didn't wantto believe, that I had no choice
in that matter, because it camedown to the sacred contract.
And what comes to the forefrontof my mind is a past
(03:12):
relationship and I wanted thatrelationship to work so bad, but
at the time I wasn't capable,and I can tell you so many years
later, when I often think aboutit, I go even if I had gotten
my way, it wouldn't have workedbecause it wasn't meant to work.
And hindsight is a beautifulthing, because then you can work
that out.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
But when you're in the midst of it all, you're not
able to work that out, or even amindset at times, because it
does and can paralyze us,because when those emotions are
heavy it's very hard to see thegrowth or to understand or to
even question why these certainevents happened or why these
experiences happened or whythese relationships happened.
It just becomes as soon as wefeel the regret or experience
(04:00):
the memory, we just try to pushit away.
Like everything else, it'snegative, we try to bury it.
There's not a reallyunderstanding of why it keeps
popping up as we go throughoutlife, regardless.
If that relationship was 30years ago, it's that the regret
can still be there 30 yearslater.
So it is telling us thatthere's something here and
that's why it keeps appearing.
But because there's such amisunderstanding of why it needs
(04:21):
to exist to start with, it kindof haunts us as we go
throughout life or it can makeus feel quite bitter or have a
bad relationship with ourselvesor the other people involved,
because it felt like it wasoutside of our control.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
Well, it does feel like it's outside of our control
, but the other thing thathappens is there's so many of
those emotions, like you said.
But the other aspect of theregret is, instead of pushing it
away, we ruminate and we goover it and over it, and it's
this broken record that we playover and over and over again.
And each time we're playing it,there's a good bet that we're
(04:56):
blaming ourselves or shamingourselves or saying, if I had
been different, if I hadn't beenthe one with the problem.
Saying if I had been different,if I hadn't been the one with
the problem, then everythingwould have worked out, which is
not true.
But that's a hard thing whenyou're in the middle of that
looping.
That happens when you'reruminating, or stuck in the
regret of it and trying to thinkthat instead of being able so
(05:21):
it's hard to go instead of beingable to move forward, because
when you are ruminating youdon't even realize that's what
you're doing and even that hasits purpose, right.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
Of course it does, because the looping that you're
talking about, that goes on,even that self-negative talk.
In the bigger scheme of things,when we find ourselves in that
in the past, what it's actuallydone longer term is break us
down to actually have todissolve our question different
understandings that were givento us that weren't working for
us to start with.
So, as I always talk about, oursystem has very unique and
(05:56):
misunderstood ways of trying toget us to dissolve patterns,
behaviors and understandingsthat were primarily given to us
that actually don't work for us.
So the looping is actuallybecause you have to question why
do things loop to start with?
Why does our mind get fixatedon something instead of just
going?
That was then.
This is now.
Let's move on yeah, goodquestion oh no I'd like the
(06:20):
answer to that oh no, oh no,digging a hole here, but I think
it's because there is so muchto learn from those experiences
right by itself, which is whatit always comes back down to,
because, as you said, it's soeasy to be hard on ourselves if
it was just different or if Ihad done that differently.
But that doesn't mean we'reactually fully learning from the
(06:42):
experience at hand, especiallybecause we do find ourselves
repeating the same patterns, thesame positions, and it's as if,
as you go through life, we endup adding to the regret instead
of actually understanding it.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
To start with, and that would be what I would say
about some of the ruminating.
And you know, like you weresaying before, on a
psychological level it can be acatalyst that takes us to the
next level.
But even if it isn't and we'redoing that looping, as much as I
hate to say it that loopingprobably is serving a purpose,
(07:15):
because we have not picked upwhat we're meant to gain from
that lesson or insight orexperience, and so we continue
to loop and we add to it till it, like your famous words, it
breaks us down to the point thatwe do look at it.
Did I say that correctly?
Speaker 2 (07:32):
Yeah, so to speak, it forces our hand to actually
have to look at things thatwe've never been shown or taught
how to look at, and that's whyit is so painful, because it's
never been explained to us.
So, of course, when we thinkwe're the only person in the
world going through it, wedidn't even know this was
something we even had to gothrough.
Of course it's going to beresistance and a fight and
because it's just so unfamiliarand even though we've all been
(07:55):
through a lot of negativeexperiences, even though we
don't want them, at least it'sfamiliar in the sense that we
know how to navigate it.
We know how to avoid it it andnot go near it.
So but therefore, every time weget to a point where there's a
breakthrough of some kind orbrings us to that stage, yes, it
can serve a purpose in helpingus longer term, but it never
feels that way and I thinkregret is kind of getting us to
(08:18):
go back to experiences orindividuals that we still don't
fully understand why it happenedor the impact, or the
long-lasting impact it'sactually had on us as a person.
So that's why even experiencing30 years ago can trigger the
regret and all the emotions thatcome along with that, because
it's saying there's nuggets ofgold here in your pockets that
you still haven't actually takenor used or utilized as of yet.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
Well, and not only the nuggets of gold.
But I think, as someone who youknow the way I say it, instead
of looping, bang my head againstthe wall for so many years on
so many topics I think what wasimportant for me is when I
finally did get to that point ofself-reflection where I hated
the regret and blamed myself forthe regret and blamed that it
(09:05):
was something wrong with me thatcaused me to be the way I was.
And yada, yada, yada.
When I finally got to the pointwhere I was meant to process it
properly, it was like the pennydropped, the dominoes fell.
It's like oh, that's what'smade me who I am Now.
It has a whole different meaningto me.
The regret doesn't have thesame power it had over me in the
(09:27):
beginning and it's getting tothat point and we don't ever
know when that point is going tobe.
And I can speak from firsthandexperience on that, because if I
could have moved through someof that regret sooner, I sure as
hell I would have found a way.
But it wasn't meant to until Igot to that stage.
And I think that's the partthat is hard, because, as you
(09:50):
said, we're not taught toreflect.
And then, even when we doreflect, sometimes we're
reflecting on the wrong part ofit.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
Yeah, because even if it's regret because we cheated
in a relationship, if it'sregret because we said something
in an argument we think wedidn't mean and we didn't mean
to say it, it's that.
I think regret lives on when wedon't know how to take
responsibility for our part inwhat actually happened, because
we don't understand why ithappened.
So therefore, it's better toavoid.
(10:19):
But if our subconscious has aquestion mark or a conscious
mind as well has a question markabout why did that happen and
we never explored why ithappened, then you can
understand why it keeps poppingit up, as in what about this?
What about this?
We still don't know about this,and it keeps adding to it until
it gets to a point where wedon't have any other choices.
We talked about earlier ofhaving to explore it in life, in
(10:44):
life.
And it really does transformyour relationship with regret as
something that appears whenit's a vessel or a way in which
we can explore ourselves, butthat opens up that entire door
of building a betterrelationship with our mind,
building a better relationshipwith our emotions.
Understand why it keepsappearing in this way.
So I do think it can be a verypositive outcome in the bigger
scheme of stuff.
But, like most things, when wehave no understanding of the
(11:07):
role regret needs to play in ourlives, it can feel like
something that's haunting us andkeeps bringing us down
unnecessarily.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
So true.
And you know, like for me on myjourney, so much of the regret
was I didn't understand why Idid the things that I did in my
life and I couldn't forgivemyself as long as I was holding
on to some of that regretbecause I was blaming myself and
shaming myself around it,instead of being able to have
(11:39):
that helicopter view oruniversal view and looking down
and going, oh wait, a minute.
That's why that happened, and itwasn't really about me being a
bad person.
This was an experience that Ihad to have and there was no one
to blame for the experience.
It was an experience and Imissed the growth of the
(12:01):
experience because I was so busyblaming and regretting me.
And that's where it gets trickyand that's where that really
being able to do theself-reflection from a objective
point of view, not the heightof the emotion that allows us to
get some of those lessons fromthat more, because I do think,
(12:26):
is that anything like this, likeregret, it's more showing us
about our relationship with theindividual sets of emotions,
more than it does about theexperience itself.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
I would agree, I'm not saying that the experience
isn't a part of it.
Of course it is.
But I'm saying is that thewhole thing is that when we went
through that certain experiencewith those particular set of
individuals, that just tells oursystems that we didn't know how
to process any of it yes and itdidn't happen with our
permission.
It happens outside of ourcontrol.
We didn't know how to controlit, we didn't know how to
process it, so therefore, it'sstored away and it's represented
(12:53):
exactly as that.
And that's where the fear of,and the shame and the sadness,
and because it's like I don'tknow what to do with all of this
information.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
Absolutely.
And so what makes it hard is wethink, when we're in that
looping or we're in the regretstage and we're not having the
ability to look at it, that wecould have changed the outcome.
If we had done it better, if wewere a different person, if we
had said something different, wecould have changed the outcome.
(13:23):
And the truth is no, as youwould so lovely say to me, wrong
again, kim.
Speaker 2 (13:34):
I don't think I've ever been as mean as that.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
I don't think you have either, but it's important
to get that because that's youknow I often say so much of my
early recovery and growth was.
And the lack of acceptance camebecause I really believed if I
had been different, the outcomeswould have been different.
And now, having been able to dothe growth and really be able
(14:01):
to look at things in a differentway, because I've developed
that relationship with myself,I've learned how to be kind,
I've stopped blaming and I'vestarted processing the emotions,
and I can go oh, it happened,exactly the way it was meant to
happen.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
Yeah, because a lot of these experiences or
understandings of theseexperiences is that they're not
wrong.
It's just that it's always beenvery misunderstood and I think,
as long as we believe that thesewere wrong, it's that it was
always very much easier forpeople to manipulate or to
control us.
So what I mean by that is thata certain experience that's
sinful, then we feel bad, wefeel shame, we feel as how
(14:39):
religions and different thingsalways control so many people.
Because as long as we felt thatabout ourselves, or that
experience which, to be honest,was just a human experience we
went through, but it's ourperception of it is what
actually keeps us trapped.
Experience is the experience,but if we haven't been guided or
shown to understand, as you'resaying, the different
perspectives or understand theemotions, to free ourselves from
(14:59):
the guilt and shame and thecontrol of it, and you can
understand how that can be adevastating loop in a lifetime
to be stuck in, so to speak.
So we can only work with theinformation that we've been
given and we don't always havecontrol over the experiences
that end up happening to us.
So you can see how that's quitea conundrum.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
It's a very big conundrum, and I experience it
many times in my lifetime andexperience it with my clients
all the time, and so much sothat one of the ways that I help
people understand it is some ofthese decisions that we make
about the regrets that we haveare made from a very emotionally
immature self that didn't haveany clue about life and what we
(15:41):
were living, and so we'reoperating on a system that
really is so outdated it doesn'twork anyway, and so we have to
update the system to be able tounderstand what the lessons and
the growth were.
And yeah, I think it's veryinteresting because most people
don't even think about that.
They don't realize, if theyhave a regret or a blame that
(16:04):
they're blaming themselves for,that it might be based on their
15-year-old self or their10-year-old self, or decisions
they made about themselves at avery young age that are no
longer accurate at all.
Speaker 2 (16:17):
Yeah, and I think this was interesting, though,
when you share a traumaticexperience that happened to you,
to someone else, and they mightsay something to you oh, if
that had have happened to me, Inever would have been able to
get through that as if it's acompliment, as if it was a
choice.
It's like you know, I don'tknow if that's a backhanded
compliment, but I'm saying Ididn't have a choice but to try
to get through it.
(16:37):
Yeah, it's that there's certainexperiences that just happened
in this life that we are forcedto have to deal with in our own
ways with the map of the worldsthat we've been given, and then
it's through that that we learnhow to begin to add to that and
redefine a lot of these, as yousaid, outdated understandings
about regret and shame and theseemotions.
So we can never know.
(16:58):
We can change until we'reforced to have to.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
And you never know when that exactly is going to
happen.
Until it happens, and when itdoes and I think again, this is
where I'm going to say you know,turning that regret into
something that is positive comesfrom being able to finally
extract the lessons.
Here's a tip for everybody.
I never did that on my own, Inever figured that out on my own
(17:24):
because it was my best thinkingthat got me in the place I was
at in the first place, and so Ihadn't had any new information
inputted into that littlecomputer brain of mine until
somebody else said hey, wait aminute, why don't you look at it
like this?
And I'd be like, oh reallyNever thought of that.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
And that's when you can start to you know, get the
lessons that you were meant tolearn, when you've got a
different perspective on it.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
And that will only happen when you're ready for it
to happen.
Speaker 2 (17:58):
Let's take a step back from this week's episode
and share with everyone whatwe've been up to behind the
scenes.
Speaker 1 (18:03):
We're really excited to be able to finally offer the
Gareth Michael community to eachof you.
The community offers a range ofbenefits, including access to
our live events, weekly podcastepisodes, articles,
self-checking questions, as wellas a community of individuals
you can connect with andinteract with along the way.
It's designed to offer yousupport, guidance and a safe
(18:27):
space on a day-to-day basis.
We'd love to have you join ourglobal community of like-minded
individuals.
That website address, again, iswwwgarethmichaelcom.
Now let's get back to thatepisode, shall we?
Speaker 2 (18:46):
I think, when it comes to regret, it's about
looking at the experience andit's not about blaming other
people, blaming ourselves,shaming ourselves, shaming other
people.
It's about taking responsibilityfor our role in it.
Because, of course, you said,we can't change the past, we
can't do it differently.
We can learn from theexperience, but we have to take
(19:07):
responsibility for our role inthat experience.
And now, of course, hindsight'san amazing thing that we talk
about often, but we can't deletethe experience.
We can't say it didn't happenor that it should have been done
differently.
That's all fictional.
Taking the regret and becomingresponsible for now,
understanding what we're tryingto extract from the experience,
as you mentioned, in hopes, andmoving forward that we'll apply
(19:30):
that, but even then, that'shopeful thinking, because that's
not always a choice either, aswe both know, depending on the
circumstance that we findourselves in, like previously.
So we can always hope thatwe're able to take our life
experience, but it's like we cango to rehab 10 times in hopes
that we don't relapse again.
But we both know it's notalways that simple when it comes
(19:50):
to the realities of engagingwith life so very true, and what
I love about you saying takingthat responsibility.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
One of the very first things I learned early on was
keeping my side of the streetclean.
That baffled the living life outof me when they first told me
that I'm like my side of thestreet is clean, and then I
quickly learned that no, it'snot, because I'm probably meaner
to myself than anybody was evermean to me or blame myself more
than anyone blamed me, and Ihad to learn that beautiful,
(20:21):
delicate dance of discernment asto what can I own and what
isn't mine to own, and when I amowning it, what do I need to do
with that, instead of becausewe are taught to keep the focus
outward, so we're always lookingat what the other person did
wrong instead of.
Well, wait a minute, what's mypart in this?
(20:43):
What can I own and what do Ineed to do differently?
I might be wrong about this,but I go.
That is one of the biggestleaps in emotional maturity that
we have, when we can start tolook at what is my side of
things.
What is it that got triggeredin me that I responded that way?
What is it that made me chooseto do whatever I did in that
(21:03):
moment and what was I meant tolearn about that experience
Overall, instead of beingblaming and shaming and hurting
myself over it?
Speaker 2 (21:14):
But I think that's what's fascinating about it,
because a lot of the experiencesthat we've been through in the
past and regardless of what ittriggers and in this
circumstance we're talking aboutregret is that it just is
constantly telling us aboutthings that have happened to us
in the past that we still don'tunderstand, and it's constantly
trying to redirect us intowanting to understand, for us to
(21:35):
be able to learn how to letthings go that happen in life
that often are so outside of ourown control.
So if we're not able to do that, then you can see why it keeps
popping up time and time again.
You're never going to beeternally grateful or thankful
for these negative experiences.
You're never going to wish themon other people.
You're never going to screamfrom the rooftops and I'm so
(21:57):
happy.
I wrote this into my contract,that's.
We're never going to expect orask anyone to take it from that
angle, because it's just nottrue.
But what is true is that if itlives within us and it's
festering within us, it's stillours, and that is a
misunderstanding we are livingwith and we can choose to use
(22:18):
that information to turn it intogrowth and still not agree with
the experience.
We don't have to agree with it,but can we learn how to accept
and let it go in newfound waysthat we didn't know was possible
?
Speaker 1 (22:29):
Yes, I think that is one of the things that was.
Besides acceptance, the hardestlesson I had to get was that if
it is festering inside of me, Istill have something to grow
and learn from it.
I was sure it was festeringinside of me because of you, not
because of me, because I was sosure it was the other person
(22:54):
instead of being able to look atme, and that.
I don't know if other peoplefind that hard sometimes, but I
found it very hard in thebeginning to be able to do that.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
And I think it's that when we have had a lot of these
negative experiences that havehappened to us all, it is
constantly very hard and I knowthis is an ongoing thorn in the
side when it comes to thespiritual understanding of
contracts and divine design andwhy we would have chose all this
.
I can understand why that is sohard to grasp or to completely,
ever truly accept right and butI think the reality is that
(23:27):
because we're a world of eightbillion people and there's only
so many patterns, behaviors,experiences, so to speak, that
we can all go through, thereason why, you could argue, a
lot of these things keepoccurring is because none of us
have been taught or shownactually how to talk it out,
take ownership, takeresponsibility, share our
experience, to actually have abigger influence, to start
changing a lot of these patternsand behaviors that lead to
(23:51):
these great negative experiences, so to speak, that we all find
ourselves in.
And I think that's when we talkabout it at times.
And I'll speak on your behalfwhen I say take responsibility
for a reality of what hashappened in our past.
It's not that if it happened oras if it's a fictional story,
it's taking responsibility forwhat actually has happened.
And we talk about how, whenwe're able to own our own
(24:13):
stories, take responsibilitywith a lot of vulnerability and
talk about it, it does createmass impact in the world, or put
the listeners around to owntheir own stuff, and with that
comes generational change longerterm, to actually continue to
educate people on the realitiesof the negative experiences that
we've been through and how todo better, moving forward.
But if we're not able toactually do that, to accept what
(24:37):
happened to us, to be able totalk about it, how do these
patterns, behaviors, experiencesever change longer term in
future generations, as we go on?
Speaker 1 (24:47):
Well, I think it's very clear to see in our society
today that it hasn't for lotsof people, and it can be very
frustrating because there'sthose of us that have been on
this journey who, you know,kicking and screaming as I was
have gotten to that place whereI am owning all of my own stuff
and trying to be as clear andhonest and gain my lessons and
(25:10):
let go of the regrets, only tosee other people being able to.
I don't think they're able tosee what appears to be people
cruising through without havingto do it.
But the more I work with peopleand the more I see those
generational patterns and themore I see how dysfunctional
that is.
The patterns are going to getbroken faster, regardless of
(25:34):
what we do.
I mean, it might not be with us, it might be nicer if it was
with us, but when we talk aboutbeing on this spiritual quest,
isn't that what it's about?
I don't know about anybody else,but going on my spiritual
journey was about learning togrow and understand my life and
(25:55):
how do I connect with myspirituality, and I didn't know
then that what that would meanis going inward.
I just didn't know it.
You know, I thought it wasabout higher beings and higher
planes and higher energy, whichdoes come about.
As I've started to go inwardand learn more about myself,
(26:16):
accept more about myself.
I am naturally traveling at adifferent level than I was 20
years ago.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
I think exploring that at all the different levels
, as we talk about mind, body,emotions and soul, is where it
becomes important, because theyall play a huge part in the
human experience.
But this is why it's that, inaddition to this topic of regret
, if we are not able to talkabout our regrets, if we're not
allowing ourselves to explorethem, if we're not allowing
ourselves to accept them as evenas factual things that happened
(26:46):
and we're not even aware ofwhat we can do with that
information moving forward,let's not be unbelief to why our
mind, subconscious mind,conscious mind, our emotions
continue to be at us, becausethere's so much growth and
lessons within us and if wechoose to ignore it or don't
know how to process it which Iknow you can argue is a part of
the spiritual experience ithappens when this month happened
, of course, but it's thatthat's what leads to the bigger
(27:08):
change within us, primarilyfirst and then, as we choose to
share that with the world, thenof course it'll have impacts
across many different age groupsand across many different
generations with time.
We can't change who we are.
We can only learn to accept itand be more authentic in this
present moment.
Speaker 1 (27:27):
And so one of the things I want to say to that
that just hit me, as you weresaying, that is you know, in
reflection of my own journey, Ican remember feeling so much
shame and so much blame andregret about how I lived my life
before I got clean and sober,so much so that there were some
(27:49):
things that I swore to myself Iwould never tell another human
being, no matter what happened.
And then, lo and behold, I gotpregnant and, let me tell you,
the game changed in a big timeway for me, because I never
thought that could happen to me.
And then, when it did happen tome, it was like this huge
(28:10):
amount of responsibility of am Igoing to hand this down or am I
going to take theresponsibility and work on
myself?
And I can tell you, Gareth, oram I going to take the
responsibility and work onmyself?
And I can tell you, Gareth, nowthat my oldest child has
children, and I see himparenting his children and I see
the flow on effects of me doingthe hard yards of taking
(28:31):
responsibility, of going throughso many times when I felt like
nothing is changing, buteverything was changing, and I
see that I go.
Okay, I'm an ascended master asfar as I'm concerned.
I know Michael might not agreewith that, but I go.
Look at me what I did, you know, because I'm really proud of
(28:57):
the fact that I managed to getthat much growth, that much
understanding about myself thatI could pass on to these people
that I raised and I'm sure theystill have all their own stuff
to go through themselves but Isee some major patterns get
broken and that makes everysingle moment worth it.
Speaker 2 (29:12):
Because I just think that's where there can be a
clash in these understandings,which I understand.
It's that saying thateverything can be a clash in
these understandings, which Iunderstand.
It's that saying thateverything happens for a reason
and this is designed by divinedesign by us.
All that does really.
That does not mean that youhave to agree or like the
experience you and I would neversay that.
but whether you or I like oragree with the experience is
(29:35):
actually irrelevant, because itdoesn't stop the experience from
occurring, true, so the factthat the experience is occurring
, it's like okay, what do we nowdo about this?
To understand it, to process it, to sometimes even put a stop
to it.
But we can only do that throughefficient communication and by
understanding mind, body,emotions and soul and start to
(29:55):
share that wisdom with oneanother.
And sometimes that means any ofus opening up, being more
vulnerable and primarilyunderstanding self first and, as
you said in the examples, ofpassing that on to the next
generation in your own uniqueway.
But it's never going to stopthem from having their own
versions of all of that, becausethat's their journey also,
exactly.
Speaker 1 (30:14):
Exactly.
And, as I just said before, youknow, there were things I said I
would never tell another soul.
Well, let me tell you the waythat the universe has of getting
you to look at these things,and it's never ceased to amaze
me.
I can remember sitting in a drugand alcohol rehab working with
a client and this person beingextremely just, stuck and not
(30:37):
being able to get out of theirown shame and blame, and it was
my job to help them move throughsome of it.
And lo and behold, before I evenknew it out, these words came
out of my mouth that I swore Iwould never say to another human
being, and the compassion andthe understanding and the
gratitude that person showed inthat moment that somebody else
(31:00):
could understand what they weregoing through was huge.
And little did I know that as Idid that for somebody else, it
ignited a bit of self-compassionfor my younger self that I had
never given myself theopportunity to explore before
because I was so dead set.
That can't, that can't beexposed, no, no, no.
(31:22):
So that is where it hinders us,when we have the regret and we
want to bury it and we want tosay no, nobody gets to know
about that, because that kind ofjust keeps us stuck and I think
that's when we started learningabout the common themes across
all of these things, the thingsthat we can't let go of.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
The emotions negative emotions have control of us or
we want to avoid is that they'realways the key of actually what
eventually frees us.
Speaker 1 (31:46):
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, it's just silence between us both.
It's just such a hard one toget to.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
Because we both wish it wasn't true yeah, right, yeah
, I think that is true in ourown ways, like we wish that it
was simpler, easier, more of asilver bullet.
But it's just that truthcontinues to shine through time
and time again, and it's thatyou and I still have experiences
as we go through life.
We're both still gonna havenegative experiences.
(32:18):
We're both still going to havenegative experiences.
We're both still questioned didI really sign up for this?
Did I really?
And everyone's going to havethose days.
But when we remind ourselves ofthe different understandings
we've gained from our pastnegative experiences, the growth
that's come from it, it doesallow you to want to lean into
(32:38):
the present day ones further,because you actually know
there's no other route.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
Yeah, and that can be confronting in itself at times
as well.
Speaker 2 (32:44):
You can do it on your own timeline, but you're never
going to kid yourself as ifthere's any other route but to
go into it.
That's very true.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
And I think that level of acceptance that there
is no other way, then it becomesa whole lot easier to go.
I can.
This is like my dad used to saywe can do this the hard way or
we can do this the easy way.
You know, just lean in andaccept and that you know.
I can say that today, but youknow five years ago.
(33:11):
I've always done it my way,which has been the hard way
there's the easy way, there'shard way, and then there's Kim's
way.
We want everybody else to be alittle bit kinder to themselves
than I have been.
Speaker 2 (33:27):
Yes, that'd be ideal, that would be ideal.
I think in even having thisconversation about regrets, the
overall theme is kind of likeanything that sticks to us.
There's still something tolearn from it and in this
example, regret is the theme.
But it goes to show us that wehaven't maybe had that safe
(33:49):
environment to be able to talkit out mentally, to express what
it's meant to us emotionally,what it where the knots are
physically in our body when weactually talk about it.
Every experience we go throughleaves its physically in our
body when we actually talk aboutit.
Every experience we go throughleaves its mark in my body,
emotion, soul.
And I think if we've never beentaught or shown that or how to
value that or how to decode that, then naturally, as we go
(34:10):
through life and as every decadeworth of experiences attach
itself to us, things get heavier.
But the hope that's alwaysgiven me is that if this is mine
, if I did this to us, thingsget heavier.
But the hope that's alwaysgiven me is that if this is mine
, if I did this to myself, ifthis is for me to explore, then
there's all upside in this, ifI'm willing to go there with the
right supports around me,because, as you said, I would
never recommend doing thisjourney completely on your own
(34:32):
because, as you said, it's youyourself that got you in this
position to start with.
When we learn that there'sactually an option to share the
burden, so to speak, and toexplore it, I think that's where
it becomes less and lessintimidating and we can have a
lot more of that acceptance,self-compassion and
(34:52):
understanding not only ofourselves but of the world
around us.
And I think we are going to haveso much less patience for
ourselves or the world around uswhen we are holding on to so
many of our own experiences thatwe don't understand.
Regret is redirection in theunderstanding of the experience
itself, because when it is heavyit eventually gets us to have
to explore it.
And that's a redirection andunderstanding of ourselves, mind
(35:14):
, body, emotions, of the peoplethat were involved, of the
experience itself, and it'sgoing to keep reappearing until
we're, until it's time or tillwe find, as you're saying, the
right individuals to do thatwith.
But that is a part of the humanexperience, so the more that we
just talk about it andnormalize it, I think that can
just be so healing within itselfthat it's not just us as
(35:36):
individuals or the only personin the world going through it.
It's a universal experience andthe more that we talk about it,
the more we can explore it andown it instead of it owning us
couldn't say it better.
Speaker 1 (35:52):
Thanks so much for listening.
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our online community.
We built it to offer you thecomfort of having a supportive
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Connect with like-mindedindividuals through our app.
Navigate each step of thejourney together with us by
(36:13):
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(36:37):
To learn more about ourcommunity, please go to
wwwgarethmichaelcom.
Thanks again, and I hope youguys are having a lovely week.
Welcome back to the Practical Spirituality Podcast.
We are so excited to have youon this journey with us, where
we explore all elements of mind,body, emotions and soul through
the lens of everyday life.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Hello Kim.
Speaker 1 (00:30):
Hello Gareth, how are you?
Speaker 2 (00:32):
I'm doing good.
How are you doing?
Speaker 1 (00:34):
I'm doing pretty good .
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Are you adapting to our new arrangements time-wise?
Speaker 1 (00:38):
No, I like early mornings better.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
So everyone's aware, since the time change has
happened, it went from recordingin my evenings and Kim's early
mornings to the opposite, intoKim's evenings and my mornings.
So a little bit of a change.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
A little bit.
So I think we have a reallyinteresting topic to talk about
this week, gareth, and I reallydo wonder sometimes where you
come up with these things aboutthis week, gareth, and I really
do wonder sometimes where youcome up with these things, but
it's okay.
I think this week we're goingto confront regret and how do we
move forward and leave thatregret behind.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
Well, when I think about the topics to talk about
on the podcast, I just go to theKim Jewell vault of experience
and have a nose around and gothat could be good or relatable
to the Kim Jewell vault ofexperience.
And have a nose around and gothat could be good or relatable
to the listeners.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
I'm sure they're very bored with my life by now.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
I think that's impossible.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
Not so sure about that.
Speaker 2 (01:37):
So, when it comes to regret, I think it's just a very
, once again, universalexperience that can creep its
head in very different ways aswe go throughout life, and I
don't think we really allunderstand what is the
foundations of regret and what'sto learn from it when it's
triggered as we go through life.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
So, when we talk about regret, I think one of the
things that we want to clarifyis that the actual meaning of it
is that sense of sadness orrepentance or disappointment
over something that has happenedor something that hasn't
happened, or something we'vedone or we haven't done.
(02:28):
And how we get stuck in theregret is we consider it that
we've missed a chance or we arethe cause of something that's
happened or something thathasn't happened, like a broken
relationship or an unachieveddream.
And I can tell you this, as muchas I hate to admit it, it comes
up quite a bit with me becauseI think if I hadn't been like
this, then I could have donethis.
Or if I had gotten a little bitmore awareness earlier, I could
(02:49):
have been achieving so muchmore.
And as doing the work with youand doing my own personal growth
, one of the things that it'scome to you've explained to me
many times, which I didn't wantto believe, that I had no choice
in that matter, because it camedown to the sacred contract.
And what comes to the forefrontof my mind is a past
(03:12):
relationship and I wanted thatrelationship to work so bad, but
at the time I wasn't capable,and I can tell you so many years
later, when I often think aboutit, I go even if I had gotten
my way, it wouldn't have workedbecause it wasn't meant to work.
And hindsight is a beautifulthing, because then you can work
that out.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
But when you're in the midst of it all, you're not
able to work that out, or even amindset at times, because it
does and can paralyze us,because when those emotions are
heavy it's very hard to see thegrowth or to understand or to
even question why these certainevents happened or why these
experiences happened or whythese relationships happened.
It just becomes as soon as wefeel the regret or experience
(04:00):
the memory, we just try to pushit away.
Like everything else, it'snegative, we try to bury it.
There's not a reallyunderstanding of why it keeps
popping up as we go throughoutlife, regardless.
If that relationship was 30years ago, it's that the regret
can still be there 30 yearslater.
So it is telling us thatthere's something here and
that's why it keeps appearing.
But because there's such amisunderstanding of why it needs
(04:21):
to exist to start with, it kindof haunts us as we go
throughout life or it can makeus feel quite bitter or have a
bad relationship with ourselvesor the other people involved,
because it felt like it wasoutside of our control.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
Well, it does feel like it's outside of our control
, but the other thing thathappens is there's so many of
those emotions, like you said.
But the other aspect of theregret is, instead of pushing it
away, we ruminate and we goover it and over it, and it's
this broken record that we playover and over and over again.
And each time we're playing it,there's a good bet that we're
(04:56):
blaming ourselves or shamingourselves or saying, if I had
been different, if I hadn't beenthe one with the problem.
Saying if I had been different,if I hadn't been the one with
the problem, then everythingwould have worked out, which is
not true.
But that's a hard thing whenyou're in the middle of that
looping.
That happens when you'reruminating, or stuck in the
regret of it and trying to thinkthat instead of being able so
(05:21):
it's hard to go instead of beingable to move forward, because
when you are ruminating youdon't even realize that's what
you're doing and even that hasits purpose, right.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
Of course it does, because the looping that you're
talking about, that goes on,even that self-negative talk.
In the bigger scheme of things,when we find ourselves in that
in the past, what it's actuallydone longer term is break us
down to actually have todissolve our question different
understandings that were givento us that weren't working for
us to start with.
So, as I always talk about, oursystem has very unique and
(05:56):
misunderstood ways of trying toget us to dissolve patterns,
behaviors and understandingsthat were primarily given to us
that actually don't work for us.
So the looping is actuallybecause you have to question why
do things loop to start with?
Why does our mind get fixatedon something instead of just
going?
That was then.
This is now.
Let's move on yeah, goodquestion oh no I'd like the
(06:20):
answer to that oh no, oh no,digging a hole here, but I think
it's because there is so muchto learn from those experiences
right by itself, which is whatit always comes back down to,
because, as you said, it's soeasy to be hard on ourselves if
it was just different or if Ihad done that differently.
But that doesn't mean we'reactually fully learning from the
(06:42):
experience at hand, especiallybecause we do find ourselves
repeating the same patterns, thesame positions, and it's as if,
as you go through life, we endup adding to the regret instead
of actually understanding it.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
To start with, and that would be what I would say
about some of the ruminating.
And you know, like you weresaying before, on a
psychological level it can be acatalyst that takes us to the
next level.
But even if it isn't and we'redoing that looping, as much as I
hate to say it that loopingprobably is serving a purpose,
(07:15):
because we have not picked upwhat we're meant to gain from
that lesson or insight orexperience, and so we continue
to loop and we add to it till it, like your famous words, it
breaks us down to the point thatwe do look at it.
Did I say that correctly?
Speaker 2 (07:32):
Yeah, so to speak, it forces our hand to actually
have to look at things thatwe've never been shown or taught
how to look at, and that's whyit is so painful, because it's
never been explained to us.
So, of course, when we thinkwe're the only person in the
world going through it, wedidn't even know this was
something we even had to gothrough.
Of course it's going to beresistance and a fight and
because it's just so unfamiliarand even though we've all been
(07:55):
through a lot of negativeexperiences, even though we
don't want them, at least it'sfamiliar in the sense that we
know how to navigate it.
We know how to avoid it it andnot go near it.
So but therefore, every time weget to a point where there's a
breakthrough of some kind orbrings us to that stage, yes, it
can serve a purpose in helpingus longer term, but it never
feels that way and I thinkregret is kind of getting us to
(08:18):
go back to experiences orindividuals that we still don't
fully understand why it happenedor the impact, or the
long-lasting impact it'sactually had on us as a person.
So that's why even experiencing30 years ago can trigger the
regret and all the emotions thatcome along with that, because
it's saying there's nuggets ofgold here in your pockets that
you still haven't actually takenor used or utilized as of yet.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
Well, and not only the nuggets of gold.
But I think, as someone who youknow the way I say it, instead
of looping, bang my head againstthe wall for so many years on
so many topics I think what wasimportant for me is when I
finally did get to that point ofself-reflection where I hated
the regret and blamed myself forthe regret and blamed that it
(09:05):
was something wrong with me thatcaused me to be the way I was.
And yada, yada, yada.
When I finally got to the pointwhere I was meant to process it
properly, it was like the pennydropped, the dominoes fell.
It's like oh, that's what'smade me who I am Now.
It has a whole different meaningto me.
The regret doesn't have thesame power it had over me in the
(09:27):
beginning and it's getting tothat point and we don't ever
know when that point is going tobe.
And I can speak from firsthandexperience on that, because if I
could have moved through someof that regret sooner, I sure as
hell I would have found a way.
But it wasn't meant to until Igot to that stage.
And I think that's the partthat is hard, because, as you
(09:50):
said, we're not taught toreflect.
And then, even when we doreflect, sometimes we're
reflecting on the wrong part ofit.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
Yeah, because even if it's regret because we cheated
in a relationship, if it'sregret because we said something
in an argument we think wedidn't mean and we didn't mean
to say it, it's that.
I think regret lives on when wedon't know how to take
responsibility for our part inwhat actually happened, because
we don't understand why ithappened.
So therefore, it's better toavoid.
(10:19):
But if our subconscious has aquestion mark or a conscious
mind as well has a question markabout why did that happen and
we never explored why ithappened, then you can
understand why it keeps poppingit up, as in what about this?
What about this?
We still don't know about this,and it keeps adding to it until
it gets to a point where wedon't have any other choices.
We talked about earlier ofhaving to explore it in life, in
(10:44):
life.
And it really does transformyour relationship with regret as
something that appears whenit's a vessel or a way in which
we can explore ourselves, butthat opens up that entire door
of building a betterrelationship with our mind,
building a better relationshipwith our emotions.
Understand why it keepsappearing in this way.
So I do think it can be a verypositive outcome in the bigger
scheme of stuff.
But, like most things, when wehave no understanding of the
(11:07):
role regret needs to play in ourlives, it can feel like
something that's haunting us andkeeps bringing us down
unnecessarily.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
So true.
And you know, like for me on myjourney, so much of the regret
was I didn't understand why Idid the things that I did in my
life and I couldn't forgivemyself as long as I was holding
on to some of that regretbecause I was blaming myself and
shaming myself around it,instead of being able to have
(11:39):
that helicopter view oruniversal view and looking down
and going, oh wait, a minute.
That's why that happened, and itwasn't really about me being a
bad person.
This was an experience that Ihad to have and there was no one
to blame for the experience.
It was an experience and Imissed the growth of the
(12:01):
experience because I was so busyblaming and regretting me.
And that's where it gets trickyand that's where that really
being able to do theself-reflection from a objective
point of view, not the heightof the emotion that allows us to
get some of those lessons fromthat more, because I do think,
(12:26):
is that anything like this, likeregret, it's more showing us
about our relationship with theindividual sets of emotions,
more than it does about theexperience itself.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
I would agree, I'm not saying that the experience
isn't a part of it.
Of course it is.
But I'm saying is that thewhole thing is that when we went
through that certain experiencewith those particular set of
individuals, that just tells oursystems that we didn't know how
to process any of it yes and itdidn't happen with our
permission.
It happens outside of ourcontrol.
We didn't know how to controlit, we didn't know how to
process it, so therefore, it'sstored away and it's represented
(12:53):
exactly as that.
And that's where the fear of,and the shame and the sadness,
and because it's like I don'tknow what to do with all of this
information.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
Absolutely.
And so what makes it hard is wethink, when we're in that
looping or we're in the regretstage and we're not having the
ability to look at it, that wecould have changed the outcome.
If we had done it better, if wewere a different person, if we
had said something different, wecould have changed the outcome.
(13:23):
And the truth is no, as youwould so lovely say to me, wrong
again, kim.
Speaker 2 (13:34):
I don't think I've ever been as mean as that.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
I don't think you have either, but it's important
to get that because that's youknow I often say so much of my
early recovery and growth was.
And the lack of acceptance camebecause I really believed if I
had been different, the outcomeswould have been different.
And now, having been able to dothe growth and really be able
(14:01):
to look at things in a differentway, because I've developed
that relationship with myself,I've learned how to be kind,
I've stopped blaming and I'vestarted processing the emotions,
and I can go oh, it happened,exactly the way it was meant to
happen.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
Yeah, because a lot of these experiences or
understandings of theseexperiences is that they're not
wrong.
It's just that it's always beenvery misunderstood and I think,
as long as we believe that thesewere wrong, it's that it was
always very much easier forpeople to manipulate or to
control us.
So what I mean by that is thata certain experience that's
sinful, then we feel bad, wefeel shame, we feel as how
(14:39):
religions and different thingsalways control so many people.
Because as long as we felt thatabout ourselves, or that
experience which, to be honest,was just a human experience we
went through, but it's ourperception of it is what
actually keeps us trapped.
Experience is the experience,but if we haven't been guided or
shown to understand, as you'resaying, the different
perspectives or understand theemotions, to free ourselves from
(14:59):
the guilt and shame and thecontrol of it, and you can
understand how that can be adevastating loop in a lifetime
to be stuck in, so to speak.
So we can only work with theinformation that we've been
given and we don't always havecontrol over the experiences
that end up happening to us.
So you can see how that's quitea conundrum.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
It's a very big conundrum, and I experience it
many times in my lifetime andexperience it with my clients
all the time, and so much sothat one of the ways that I help
people understand it is some ofthese decisions that we make
about the regrets that we haveare made from a very emotionally
immature self that didn't haveany clue about life and what we
(15:41):
were living, and so we'reoperating on a system that
really is so outdated it doesn'twork anyway, and so we have to
update the system to be able tounderstand what the lessons and
the growth were.
And yeah, I think it's veryinteresting because most people
don't even think about that.
They don't realize, if theyhave a regret or a blame that
(16:04):
they're blaming themselves for,that it might be based on their
15-year-old self or their10-year-old self, or decisions
they made about themselves at avery young age that are no
longer accurate at all.
Speaker 2 (16:17):
Yeah, and I think this was interesting, though,
when you share a traumaticexperience that happened to you,
to someone else, and they mightsay something to you oh, if
that had have happened to me, Inever would have been able to
get through that as if it's acompliment, as if it was a
choice.
It's like you know, I don'tknow if that's a backhanded
compliment, but I'm saying Ididn't have a choice but to try
to get through it.
(16:37):
Yeah, it's that there's certainexperiences that just happened
in this life that we are forcedto have to deal with in our own
ways with the map of the worldsthat we've been given, and then
it's through that that we learnhow to begin to add to that and
redefine a lot of these, as yousaid, outdated understandings
about regret and shame and theseemotions.
So we can never know.
(16:58):
We can change until we'reforced to have to.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
And you never know when that exactly is going to
happen.
Until it happens, and when itdoes and I think again, this is
where I'm going to say you know,turning that regret into
something that is positive comesfrom being able to finally
extract the lessons.
Here's a tip for everybody.
I never did that on my own, Inever figured that out on my own
(17:24):
because it was my best thinkingthat got me in the place I was
at in the first place, and so Ihadn't had any new information
inputted into that littlecomputer brain of mine until
somebody else said hey, wait aminute, why don't you look at it
like this?
And I'd be like, oh reallyNever thought of that.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
And that's when you can start to you know, get the
lessons that you were meant tolearn, when you've got a
different perspective on it.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
And that will only happen when you're ready for it
to happen.
Speaker 2 (17:58):
Let's take a step back from this week's episode
and share with everyone whatwe've been up to behind the
scenes.
Speaker 1 (18:03):
We're really excited to be able to finally offer the
Gareth Michael community to eachof you.
The community offers a range ofbenefits, including access to
our live events, weekly podcastepisodes, articles,
self-checking questions, as wellas a community of individuals
you can connect with andinteract with along the way.
It's designed to offer yousupport, guidance and a safe
(18:27):
space on a day-to-day basis.
We'd love to have you join ourglobal community of like-minded
individuals.
That website address, again, iswwwgarethmichaelcom.
Now let's get back to thatepisode, shall we?
Speaker 2 (18:46):
I think, when it comes to regret, it's about
looking at the experience andit's not about blaming other
people, blaming ourselves,shaming ourselves, shaming other
people.
It's about taking responsibilityfor our role in it.
Because, of course, you said,we can't change the past, we
can't do it differently.
We can learn from theexperience, but we have to take
(19:07):
responsibility for our role inthat experience.
And now, of course, hindsight'san amazing thing that we talk
about often, but we can't deletethe experience.
We can't say it didn't happenor that it should have been done
differently.
That's all fictional.
Taking the regret and becomingresponsible for now,
understanding what we're tryingto extract from the experience,
as you mentioned, in hopes, andmoving forward that we'll apply
(19:30):
that, but even then, that'shopeful thinking, because that's
not always a choice either, aswe both know, depending on the
circumstance that we findourselves in, like previously.
So we can always hope thatwe're able to take our life
experience, but it's like we cango to rehab 10 times in hopes
that we don't relapse again.
But we both know it's notalways that simple when it comes
(19:50):
to the realities of engagingwith life so very true, and what
I love about you saying takingthat responsibility.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
One of the very first things I learned early on was
keeping my side of the streetclean.
That baffled the living life outof me when they first told me
that I'm like my side of thestreet is clean, and then I
quickly learned that no, it'snot, because I'm probably meaner
to myself than anybody was evermean to me or blame myself more
than anyone blamed me, and Ihad to learn that beautiful,
(20:21):
delicate dance of discernment asto what can I own and what
isn't mine to own, and when I amowning it, what do I need to do
with that, instead of becausewe are taught to keep the focus
outward, so we're always lookingat what the other person did
wrong instead of.
Well, wait a minute, what's mypart in this?
(20:43):
What can I own and what do Ineed to do differently?
I might be wrong about this,but I go.
That is one of the biggestleaps in emotional maturity that
we have, when we can start tolook at what is my side of
things.
What is it that got triggeredin me that I responded that way?
What is it that made me chooseto do whatever I did in that
(21:03):
moment and what was I meant tolearn about that experience
Overall, instead of beingblaming and shaming and hurting
myself over it?
Speaker 2 (21:14):
But I think that's what's fascinating about it,
because a lot of the experiencesthat we've been through in the
past and regardless of what ittriggers and in this
circumstance we're talking aboutregret is that it just is
constantly telling us aboutthings that have happened to us
in the past that we still don'tunderstand, and it's constantly
trying to redirect us intowanting to understand, for us to
(21:35):
be able to learn how to letthings go that happen in life
that often are so outside of ourown control.
So if we're not able to do that, then you can see why it keeps
popping up time and time again.
You're never going to beeternally grateful or thankful
for these negative experiences.
You're never going to wish themon other people.
You're never going to screamfrom the rooftops and I'm so
(21:57):
happy.
I wrote this into my contract,that's.
We're never going to expect orask anyone to take it from that
angle, because it's just nottrue.
But what is true is that if itlives within us and it's
festering within us, it's stillours, and that is a
misunderstanding we are livingwith and we can choose to use
(22:18):
that information to turn it intogrowth and still not agree with
the experience.
We don't have to agree with it,but can we learn how to accept
and let it go in newfound waysthat we didn't know was possible
?
Speaker 1 (22:29):
Yes, I think that is one of the things that was.
Besides acceptance, the hardestlesson I had to get was that if
it is festering inside of me, Istill have something to grow
and learn from it.
I was sure it was festeringinside of me because of you, not
because of me, because I was sosure it was the other person
(22:54):
instead of being able to look atme, and that.
I don't know if other peoplefind that hard sometimes, but I
found it very hard in thebeginning to be able to do that.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
And I think it's that when we have had a lot of these
negative experiences that havehappened to us all, it is
constantly very hard and I knowthis is an ongoing thorn in the
side when it comes to thespiritual understanding of
contracts and divine design andwhy we would have chose all this
.
I can understand why that is sohard to grasp or to completely,
ever truly accept right and butI think the reality is that
(23:27):
because we're a world of eightbillion people and there's only
so many patterns, behaviors,experiences, so to speak, that
we can all go through, thereason why, you could argue, a
lot of these things keepoccurring is because none of us
have been taught or shownactually how to talk it out,
take ownership, takeresponsibility, share our
experience, to actually have abigger influence, to start
changing a lot of these patternsand behaviors that lead to
(23:51):
these great negative experiences, so to speak, that we all find
ourselves in.
And I think that's when we talkabout it at times.
And I'll speak on your behalfwhen I say take responsibility
for a reality of what hashappened in our past.
It's not that if it happened oras if it's a fictional story,
it's taking responsibility forwhat actually has happened.
And we talk about how, whenwe're able to own our own
(24:13):
stories, take responsibilitywith a lot of vulnerability and
talk about it, it does createmass impact in the world, or put
the listeners around to owntheir own stuff, and with that
comes generational change longerterm, to actually continue to
educate people on the realitiesof the negative experiences that
we've been through and how todo better, moving forward.
But if we're not able toactually do that, to accept what
(24:37):
happened to us, to be able totalk about it, how do these
patterns, behaviors, experiencesever change longer term in
future generations, as we go on?
Speaker 1 (24:47):
Well, I think it's very clear to see in our society
today that it hasn't for lotsof people, and it can be very
frustrating because there'sthose of us that have been on
this journey who, you know,kicking and screaming as I was
have gotten to that place whereI am owning all of my own stuff
and trying to be as clear andhonest and gain my lessons and
(25:10):
let go of the regrets, only tosee other people being able to.
I don't think they're able tosee what appears to be people
cruising through without havingto do it.
But the more I work with peopleand the more I see those
generational patterns and themore I see how dysfunctional
that is.
The patterns are going to getbroken faster, regardless of
(25:34):
what we do.
I mean, it might not be with us, it might be nicer if it was
with us, but when we talk aboutbeing on this spiritual quest,
isn't that what it's about?
I don't know about anybody else,but going on my spiritual
journey was about learning togrow and understand my life and
(25:55):
how do I connect with myspirituality, and I didn't know
then that what that would meanis going inward.
I just didn't know it.
You know, I thought it wasabout higher beings and higher
planes and higher energy, whichdoes come about.
As I've started to go inwardand learn more about myself,
(26:16):
accept more about myself.
I am naturally traveling at adifferent level than I was 20
years ago.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
I think exploring that at all the different levels
, as we talk about mind, body,emotions and soul, is where it
becomes important, because theyall play a huge part in the
human experience.
But this is why it's that, inaddition to this topic of regret
, if we are not able to talkabout our regrets, if we're not
allowing ourselves to explorethem, if we're not allowing
ourselves to accept them as evenas factual things that happened
(26:46):
and we're not even aware ofwhat we can do with that
information moving forward,let's not be unbelief to why our
mind, subconscious mind,conscious mind, our emotions
continue to be at us, becausethere's so much growth and
lessons within us and if wechoose to ignore it or don't
know how to process it which Iknow you can argue is a part of
the spiritual experience ithappens when this month happened
, of course, but it's thatthat's what leads to the bigger
(27:08):
change within us, primarilyfirst and then, as we choose to
share that with the world, thenof course it'll have impacts
across many different age groupsand across many different
generations with time.
We can't change who we are.
We can only learn to accept itand be more authentic in this
present moment.
Speaker 1 (27:27):
And so one of the things I want to say to that
that just hit me, as you weresaying, that is you know, in
reflection of my own journey, Ican remember feeling so much
shame and so much blame andregret about how I lived my life
before I got clean and sober,so much so that there were some
(27:49):
things that I swore to myself Iwould never tell another human
being, no matter what happened.
And then, lo and behold, I gotpregnant and, let me tell you,
the game changed in a big timeway for me, because I never
thought that could happen to me.
And then, when it did happen tome, it was like this huge
(28:10):
amount of responsibility of am Igoing to hand this down or am I
going to take theresponsibility and work on
myself?
And I can tell you, Gareth, oram I going to take the
responsibility and work onmyself?
And I can tell you, Gareth, nowthat my oldest child has
children, and I see himparenting his children and I see
the flow on effects of me doingthe hard yards of taking
(28:31):
responsibility, of going throughso many times when I felt like
nothing is changing, buteverything was changing, and I
see that I go.
Okay, I'm an ascended master asfar as I'm concerned.
I know Michael might not agreewith that, but I go.
Look at me what I did, you know, because I'm really proud of
(28:57):
the fact that I managed to getthat much growth, that much
understanding about myself thatI could pass on to these people
that I raised and I'm sure theystill have all their own stuff
to go through themselves but Isee some major patterns get
broken and that makes everysingle moment worth it.
Speaker 2 (29:12):
Because I just think that's where there can be a
clash in these understandings,which I understand.
It's that saying thateverything can be a clash in
these understandings, which Iunderstand.
It's that saying thateverything happens for a reason
and this is designed by divinedesign by us.
All that does really.
That does not mean that youhave to agree or like the
experience you and I would neversay that.
but whether you or I like oragree with the experience is
(29:35):
actually irrelevant, because itdoesn't stop the experience from
occurring, true, so the factthat the experience is occurring
, it's like okay, what do we nowdo about this?
To understand it, to process it, to sometimes even put a stop
to it.
But we can only do that throughefficient communication and by
understanding mind, body,emotions and soul and start to
(29:55):
share that wisdom with oneanother.
And sometimes that means any ofus opening up, being more
vulnerable and primarilyunderstanding self first and, as
you said in the examples, ofpassing that on to the next
generation in your own uniqueway.
But it's never going to stopthem from having their own
versions of all of that, becausethat's their journey also,
exactly.
Speaker 1 (30:14):
Exactly.
And, as I just said before, youknow, there were things I said I
would never tell another soul.
Well, let me tell you the waythat the universe has of getting
you to look at these things,and it's never ceased to amaze
me.
I can remember sitting in a drugand alcohol rehab working with
a client and this person beingextremely just, stuck and not
(30:37):
being able to get out of theirown shame and blame, and it was
my job to help them move throughsome of it.
And lo and behold, before I evenknew it out, these words came
out of my mouth that I swore Iwould never say to another human
being, and the compassion andthe understanding and the
gratitude that person showed inthat moment that somebody else
(31:00):
could understand what they weregoing through was huge.
And little did I know that as Idid that for somebody else, it
ignited a bit of self-compassionfor my younger self that I had
never given myself theopportunity to explore before
because I was so dead set.
That can't, that can't beexposed, no, no, no.
(31:22):
So that is where it hinders us,when we have the regret and we
want to bury it and we want tosay no, nobody gets to know
about that, because that kind ofjust keeps us stuck and I think
that's when we started learningabout the common themes across
all of these things, the thingsthat we can't let go of.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
The emotions negative emotions have control of us or
we want to avoid is that they'realways the key of actually what
eventually frees us.
Speaker 1 (31:46):
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, it's just silence between us both.
It's just such a hard one toget to.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
Because we both wish it wasn't true yeah, right, yeah
, I think that is true in ourown ways, like we wish that it
was simpler, easier, more of asilver bullet.
But it's just that truthcontinues to shine through time
and time again, and it's thatyou and I still have experiences
as we go through life.
We're both still gonna havenegative experiences.
(32:18):
We're both still going to havenegative experiences.
We're both still questioned didI really sign up for this?
Did I really?
And everyone's going to havethose days.
But when we remind ourselves ofthe different understandings
we've gained from our pastnegative experiences, the growth
that's come from it, it doesallow you to want to lean into
(32:38):
the present day ones further,because you actually know
there's no other route.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
Yeah, and that can be confronting in itself at times
as well.
Speaker 2 (32:44):
You can do it on your own timeline, but you're never
going to kid yourself as ifthere's any other route but to
go into it.
That's very true.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
And I think that level of acceptance that there
is no other way, then it becomesa whole lot easier to go.
I can.
This is like my dad used to saywe can do this the hard way or
we can do this the easy way.
You know, just lean in andaccept and that you know.
I can say that today, but youknow five years ago.
(33:11):
I've always done it my way,which has been the hard way
there's the easy way, there'shard way, and then there's Kim's
way.
We want everybody else to be alittle bit kinder to themselves
than I have been.
Speaker 2 (33:27):
Yes, that'd be ideal, that would be ideal.
I think in even having thisconversation about regrets, the
overall theme is kind of likeanything that sticks to us.
There's still something tolearn from it and in this
example, regret is the theme.
But it goes to show us that wehaven't maybe had that safe
(33:49):
environment to be able to talkit out mentally, to express what
it's meant to us emotionally,what it where the knots are
physically in our body when weactually talk about it.
Every experience we go throughleaves its physically in our
body when we actually talk aboutit.
Every experience we go throughleaves its mark in my body,
emotion, soul.
And I think if we've never beentaught or shown that or how to
value that or how to decode that, then naturally, as we go
(34:10):
through life and as every decadeworth of experiences attach
itself to us, things get heavier.
But the hope that's alwaysgiven me is that if this is mine
, if I did this to us, thingsget heavier.
But the hope that's alwaysgiven me is that if this is mine
, if I did this to myself, ifthis is for me to explore, then
there's all upside in this, ifI'm willing to go there with the
right supports around me,because, as you said, I would
never recommend doing thisjourney completely on your own
(34:32):
because, as you said, it's youyourself that got you in this
position to start with.
When we learn that there'sactually an option to share the
burden, so to speak, and toexplore it, I think that's where
it becomes less and lessintimidating and we can have a
lot more of that acceptance,self-compassion and
(34:52):
understanding not only ofourselves but of the world
around us.
And I think we are going to haveso much less patience for
ourselves or the world around uswhen we are holding on to so
many of our own experiences thatwe don't understand.
Regret is redirection in theunderstanding of the experience
itself, because when it is heavyit eventually gets us to have
to explore it.
And that's a redirection andunderstanding of ourselves, mind
(35:14):
, body, emotions, of the peoplethat were involved, of the
experience itself, and it'sgoing to keep reappearing until
we're, until it's time or tillwe find, as you're saying, the
right individuals to do thatwith.
But that is a part of the humanexperience, so the more that we
just talk about it andnormalize it, I think that can
just be so healing within itselfthat it's not just us as
(35:36):
individuals or the only personin the world going through it.
It's a universal experience andthe more that we talk about it,
the more we can explore it andown it instead of it owning us
couldn't say it better.
Speaker 1 (35:52):
Thanks so much for listening.
If you enjoyed this episode,then you might want to check out
our online community.
We built it to offer you thecomfort of having a supportive
community by your side, nomatter where life takes you.
Connect with like-mindedindividuals through our app.
Navigate each step of thejourney together with us by
(36:13):
joining our Gareth Michaelcommunity.
Here are a few of the thingsyou're going to get joining our
Gareth Michael community.
Here are a few of the thingsyou're going to get.
You'll get exclusive real-timeaccess to live recording and
events.
Advanced access to each newepisode.
The opportunity to askquestions directly of Gareth and
I.
Input into what topics we coverin the show.
Access to exclusive content notavailable anywhere else.
(36:37):
To learn more about ourcommunity, please go to
wwwgarethmichaelcom.
Thanks again, and I hope youguys are having a lovely week.
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