April 7, 2025 • 41 mins
In this episode of the Practical Spirituality Podcast, Gareth and Kim introduce the concept of “reparenting ourselves,” an approach that may feel unfamiliar yet serves as a cornerstone of emotional healing and spiritual growth. They explain how unresolved childhood wounds can remain “frozen”, influencing our adult behavior, relationships, and emotional patterns until our inner children are recognized and healed.
The hosts discuss the signs that show when our inner child needs attention, such as persistent self-criticism, fear of abandonment, emotional outbursts, and excessive people-pleasing—behaviors often rooted in coping strategies learned early in life. These patterns frequently lead to external blame, diverting attention from the deeper, internal issues creating the issue. Gareth and Kim show how reframing such triggers opens opportunities to address one’s own unhealed wounds.
Our hosts guide us on how we can gradually reshape our relationships both with ourselves and others. While stressing that these wounds were not self-created, they show how healing them is ultimately a personal responsibility—an empowering step toward breaking old cycles and finding the internal nourishment we so often seek externally.
Become a Community Member at https://community.garethmichael.com/ to join our community and get early access to new episodes, answers to your personal questions and so much more.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
Welcome back to the Practical Spirituality Podcast.
We are so excited to have youon this journey with us, where
we explore all elements of mind,body, emotions and soul through
the lens of everyday life.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Hello Kim.
Speaker 1 (00:30):
Hello Gareth, how are you?
Speaker 2 (00:32):
I'm doing good this morning.
How are you doing?
Speaker 1 (00:35):
I feel better after we had a good little laugh there
.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Always helps before the recording.
Yes, it does.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
It does.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
So for this week's episode, I want to talk about
something that I think comes upin a lot of people's healing
journey, especially when theystart exploring themselves.
That would be spirituallyself-help therapy and we have
talked about this, I believe, onan exclusive episode on the
community and how it's relatedis basically about our inner
(01:07):
child and how that can come upin so many different ways in
exploring ourselves.
And I think, when you realizehow deep that runs within any of
us and the skills we have tolearn along the way to basically
reparent ourselves.
Yes, and I think that's such aninteresting topic because when
you take a step back and thinkabout it, when we look at a lot
(01:29):
of our fears or self-criticism,our inability to emotionally
regulate, or misunderstanding ofwhere our thoughts, behaviors,
programming comes from, a lot ofit, if you look at it, is a
child's perspective in a lot ofdifferent ways.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
Yes, it is Very much so yes.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
So the whole concept of reparenting ourselves, I
think it's just a veryinteresting topic because it's a
huge part of the healingprocess, especially in the
journey of understanding selfand what it means to be human.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
I would agree.
And I think what a lot ofpeople don't understand is they
think we're going to go and healan inner child and we forget
that we've had many, many, many,many versions of that child.
Speaker 2 (02:13):
And her children.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
Yeah, so I used to say I think it's why sometimes
people talk refer to internalfamily systems because it is all
of that time period when wedidn't have the ability to
express ourself or, you know,speak up for ourselves or defend
ourselves, regardless of whatthe issues were, and so there's
(02:36):
a part of us that gets frozen inthat time frame until we've
resolved whatever that is, andso it becomes interesting.
Speaker 2 (02:44):
But I think that's where I love.
That saying I use often is thatyou know, we don't grow up, we
just grow old.
Speaker 1 (02:50):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
Because a lot of the time is that even our parents we
might have looked up to them,or our caregivers we might have
looked at them for such anextended period of time in our
lives for advice.
But it really is.
We're all children, raisingchildren.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
And when we're so young, we're all children,
raising children.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
Yes, and when we're so young we don't know any
better Exactly and I used to sayit all the time, you know, when
I first started working in drugand alcohol that it really is.
You can tell that children havebeen raising children, because
there's no logic and there's nomaturity in some of the things
that have been expressed and soit's like.
But again, I remember the day Irealized with my own mother
(03:31):
that she was seeking attention,just like a child was seeking
attention, and so it was like ohwait a minute, you're not even
grown up.
No wonder I'm not grown up.
Speaker 2 (03:43):
Wasn't given the chance.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
Exactly there you go.
Speaker 2 (03:48):
What about now?
Speaker 1 (03:50):
Working on it.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
Working on it, working progress.
Speaker 1 (03:53):
There are moments.
There are moments when I hitsmall Moments of wisdom.
Emotional maturity.
Speaker 2 (04:00):
But I think in this episode it's important to talk
about why all of this matters,because I think, if it hasn't
been explored before, touched on, for someone who's listening to
this, I can understand how it'sa bit of a wild concept,
because we really only think ofourselves as present day, as the
age we are now, that happen tohave memories from the past and
from childhood.
I think it's a hard concept tobelieve or to think about that
(04:24):
these different versions of us,or parts of us, is still alive
within us present day.
That can dictate a lot of thedecisions that we make day in
day out.
Speaker 1 (04:33):
Yeah, I could get really technical and explain to
you the technical and theneuroscience reasonings for that
, but we've done that in so manyepisodes so I won't go into it
now.
But when we have anythinghappen to us, it doesn't have to
(04:55):
even be a big trauma If wedon't feel completely resolved
in whatever it was that happened.
It could be simply as runninginto the room wanting to tell
your parents something and themshutting you down and it was
really important to you and yougot shut down.
That part of you gets frozen inthe shutdown and so until that
gets resolved, it's always goingto play a role in every
relationship you ever have.
(05:16):
And I think people get scaredof the concept of the inner
child.
You know, because I've oftenhad clients come to me and I
start to talk oh, I don't wantto do inner child work.
I'm like, okay, well, let'sjust do younger you work then,
because it has to be done.
Speaker 2 (05:35):
Redefine it.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
Yeah, and I don't think people understand why that
is so important, that it has tobe done, that we really need to
form that relationship, and itis, if we're really serious.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
it is about forming a relationship with ourself and
all the versions of ourself thathave been alive throughout the
years I think what's importantto also point out is that the
different elements of us thatshall we we say, needs work, or
fears, or the criticism we haveor inability to process certain
(06:10):
emotions yes, there are some ofthe negative traits that we
might have hold on to or that'sbeen frozen in time, but then,
if you also think about it froma positive perspective, there's
a lot of things from when wewere kids into our young adults
that have been frozen in timehave actually made us who we are
today, of the things weactually enjoy in life.
Also, because it's not allnegative.
Yeah, both sides exist and ifwe actually do enough
(06:35):
questioning, regardless of whatcomes up, of why we either
dislike certain things or why weenjoy other things, you can
often link it back to when wewere kids, children, certain
individuals in our lives,experiences that go across so
many decades of any of our lives.
So, I think, in evenreparenting ourselves or
understanding the pros and consof what scares us, but also what
(06:58):
drives us, what makes us feelat peace, what makes us feel
safe, it's just a veryinteresting conversation because
it's not one area of our livesthat it doesn't affect.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
Exactly.
There's not a single area thatit doesn't affect.
So I think one of the reasonsthat it's hard for people to
wrap their heads around thatwe're going to re-parent our
inner child is because we havebeen taught, like we've said in
previous episodes, to seek thatsort of thing outside of ourself
.
Well, when we continue to say,getting curious about ourself,
(07:31):
getting curious about goingwithin, that's exactly what we
mean.
It's like, okay, we're startingto develop this new
relationship with self.
We left those kids way backwhen and never looked back and
didn't want to know about itbecause, as most of us do in
early childhood, we can't waitto get out of the childhood
years.
We can't wait to be an adult.
(07:51):
Then we get to be an adult.
We're like, oh well, thisadulting is not really what we
thought it was going to be.
But then we just press on andforget that there was a time.
Yeah, we get busy, and so themore that we develop that
relationship with self and we gowithin and we can look at these
different aspects that havebeen frozen in time, then there
(08:13):
becomes a sense of maturity.
It's like we're starting togrow up a little bit.
When I'm talking with clientsand I often want to help them
understand why this is soimportant and why we need to go
back and do it and what are someof the signs that there's
unresolved issues.
There is, if you are someonethat is running that self-critic
(08:37):
that is nonstop in everythingyou do, you can't do anything
right.
There is a sign that you'vetaken on something in childhood
and it just has been stacked andstacked, and stacked and so
it's showing up in every area ofyour life.
And for all of these steps orsigns that I'm about to say that
(08:57):
we need reparenting trust me,plenty of examples, if anybody
needs them.
I got all of them, I had all ofthem.
So well, I still have them.
So, okay, I'm going.
Oh, I really want to say I'vemoved past them, but I really
okay.
Speaker 2 (09:12):
Just aware of them now.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
I'm aware of them and I'm able to stop and really be
with me in those moments.
So that self-criticism is oneof them, you know.
The other one is a big word butI'll break it down that
emotional dysregulation and alot of people know what that
means today, but basically whatit means is if our emotions are
(09:34):
really all over the place, weget stressed, then we're having
big reactions.
Or if there's conflict andwe're trying to run away from
the conflict, or if we haveunexpected things come up that
we don't know how to deal withand we want to run and hide or
we want to run away from it,those are all signs of emotional
dysregulation that we don't.
So I used to think because thisis what the psychologist used
(09:58):
to tell me you have no affectregulation, which means you
don't know how to control youremotions, and I was like, well,
I can't control my emotions,they come up.
But really what it means is, asthose emotions come up, I have
no idea where they're comingfrom and I feel out of control.
Is what it means, that emotionaldysregulation?
And then, of course, the big,big one which so many of us have
(10:21):
, is that fear of abandonment,or the opposite side of that,
the excessive people pleasing.
So, if you think about it,they're all signs of that fight,
fight, freeze response on somelevel or another.
So these are all areas that youknow.
If you're experiencing this ona regular basis, this is a sign
(10:42):
that you might have a part ofyou that is screaming out for
help.
And that's how I prefer to lookat it, as it's not a
dysfunction.
It's not something that's wrongwith us.
It's just a part of us thathasn't been able to resolve
something.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
And I think in everything you're saying there,
in those examples, it's sorelatable.
I think if you picked anyone outin the street, they would of
have elements of self-criticism,they're going to have emotional
dysregulation and the fear ofabandonment in their own ways
and, of course, people pleasingso I think it's that most people
probably have are running threeout of those four, and there
are only some of the examples.
(11:18):
Yes, of course, much, many moreon top.
Of that goes to show that it isa universal experience we're
all gonna gonna, are gonna haveto go through and do go through
because, as I mentioned earlier,we're all just kids raising
kids, because we've never beentaught any of these things that
actually go on within us andwhat are the solutions and what
are the awarenesses begin tomature in those different ways.
(11:40):
We are experiencing any ofthese different examples.
The easiest thing to do is todeflect.
It's like you're making me feelthis way, you're criticizing me
, you're making my emotions gocrazy or make me want to run
away, or you know, it's aconstant experience that,
because when we don't understandself, it's easy to say it's you
(12:00):
that's the problem but.
I think, like anything, is thatif we don't understand within
ourselves, those kind ofrelationships are going to keep
finding us.
Because we have yet tounderstand that we're a part of
the problem in this equation,because if we keep attracting it
in different relationships, itcan't be the entire 8 billion
people.
That's the problem.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
Exactly.
But we don't, you know, wedon't understand it, we don't
know how to do it, and it isvery hard in the beginning to go
.
Oh, this is coming from insideme, because progress with me
used to.
I'll never forget it.
You know, I would go into heroffice and I would be
(12:49):
downloading bam, bam, bam, bambam all this terrible stuff
about my partner Right, and shewould sit there with this little
smile on her face and she's asmall and petite, right, and
she'd sit there with a smile onher face and she'd do this.
She'd start to look up at theceiling.
Then she'd turn her head andlook at the ceiling in another
direction, that she'd lookbehind her and I think, what the
hell are you doing?
(13:09):
I was like, did you hear me?
And she goes oh yeah, are youready to start talking about you
yet?
ouch right, and I'll be like Iam trying to tell you, and she
was like, yes, but I don't seehim here in the room, I only see
you here.
(13:30):
And I was like, oh, it used todrive me mad in the beginning.
I mean, by the time I finishedseeing this person, we used to
have a big laugh about it,because I'd start and I just it
would be like this, stopmid-sentence, because I'd be
like, oh, I'm doing it again.
Okay so, and like the day thatshe said to me, let me introduce
(13:50):
you to the rest of your innerfamily, I was like, oh, no, I've
got enough already, not today.
But you know it is, it's such animportant aspect on this
spiritual growth.
Speaker 2 (14:02):
Yep, and just growth, full stop.
Because I think that's what's'sagain fascinating about it.
We're all exposed to it and weall discover these parts of us
at different timelines as we gothroughout life.
And I think our awakening tothat is that when we find
ourselves repeating the samepatterns through different
(14:22):
people, to no fault of their ownor ourselves, it's just that
when we keep seeing the samething over and over again and we
keep getting hurt in the sameway over and over again, where
we're all the same is that atsome stage along the way, it
forces you to ask the questionand to start doing the inner
research and outer research intowhat is actually going on here,
(14:44):
because the same lesson overand over again.
It keeps cutting deeper intothe same wound.
Yes, until we actually begin tounderstand why and, as you said,
it is not an easy concept orthing to explore, especially at
the start, because it is soalien compared to anything we've
been taught in our educationsystems or in even in society,
(15:05):
or even from family, friends andour relationships.
So it's a lot to wrap our headaround.
But when we start having thoseaha moments, like you were using
there in your examples, it iskind of it's a breath of fresh
air to begin to understand okay,there is something I can do
about this or this starts tomake sense for not only my past
but what this means for me frommoving forward, and I think we
(15:28):
should probably dive in to knowsome of the core steps and
actually what it means to beginreparenting ourselves in our
day-to-day lives so I think oneof those first steps is
acknowledging that we do have aninner child, or inner children.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
They go what do you mean?
I don't really believe in thatstuff.
Rah, rah, rah.
And so then for me, as someonewho works with a lot of people,
I have to kind of then give themexamples.
But acknowledging that, youknow, the simplest way I found
is how I explain to people whathappens in the brain when we get
triggered and how we go back tothe emotional reaction.
(16:05):
And, like you had said at thevery beginning of this
conversation, when we start tolook at our reactions and we
listen to what we say or how werespond, it does not sound like
it is a grown adult making thatresponse.
It sounds like a child'sresponse.
The reasoning behind it soundslike a child's response and that
(16:26):
in itself is an acknowledgementof that.
This is coming from a youngerspace in my life.
We're not saying that you nowhave to create an image of a
child and really hold that image, although that can be helpful
if you're a very visual person.
A lot of times I will explainto people do you have an old
picture of you when you were achild?
(16:46):
And so, because we get socritical of ourself.
Instead of being critical, wehave a picture of ourself as a
younger child.
When we have the self-criticismor the emotional dysregulation
or any of the other things we'vementioned, we look at that
picture.
How would you respond to someonethat age?
You know you're justacknowledging that this is
(17:09):
coming from a space inside ofyou that had not emotionally
matured at that time and so youwouldn't go at it like a bull in
a china shop.
You would go okay, we need tohave some kindness and some
compassion here, to have somekindness and some compassion
here, and so you want to stepinto that form of it and then
seeing that a child didn't havethe skills to acknowledge or to
(17:36):
to speak the truth about whatwas happening for them, Like
when you're a child and someonesaid, don't do that, did you go?
But I'm really curious, Didn'thappen If mom and dad said don't
do that?
You know you might do it justout of spite, but most of the
time we don't do it becausethey're the authority figures.
And what I remember the most isI would be excited about
(17:57):
explaining something to myparents and I would get shut
down and they would tell me thatI was crazy, or they would tell
me I was over emotional or allthe other things that they would
tell me, but I would be sofrustrated because they wouldn't
even listen to my point, and sothose are a lot of the places
where I myself got frozen inthat as that younger self, and
(18:20):
that's really what it is.
It's like a part of us freezesin that moment where we don't
get to express what we want toexpress.
Speaker 2 (18:27):
And I think, especially when we're starting
to become aware of this andbeginning to make different
decisions on how to be less,shall we say, triggered, less
emotional, but for the rightreasons, because we actually
want to understand it is thatthat often entails in learning
how to set emotional boundaries,which again is a whole new
(18:47):
concept, because a lot of us arenot even aware of all the
emotions that we have access to,but then how to name them, how
to express them, never mindsetting emotional boundaries
with ourselves and with otherpeople.
Yeah, so even that and I don'twant to oversimplify all these
different things in this episode, because we both know there's a
(19:08):
lot of different layers to anyof these components, which is
the truth we can either findourselves giving too much
responsibility to another personas I said earlier about you're
doing this to me or else we canactually find ourselves taking
too much responsibility forsomeone else's actions also and
I think, depending on wherewe're at, both extremes are
(19:29):
unhealthy for us and it doesmanipulate our own emotions as
well.
We find ourselves can be capableof manipulating other people's
emotions, so we can findourselves in this constant back
and forward and therefore, likea lot of the episodes in which
we give advice, that's why weactually need to find a
professional to be the adult inthe room with us as we figure
out our inner children of whywe're so reactive, because we
(19:51):
need that wise person toactually start educating that
part of us.
Ever be educated if we'realways around other children
that even raised us, that is,our parents our caregivers, our
friends, our family members, thelist goes on.
So we actually have to turn to aperson who has explored this,
who understands that you canhave the patience for us, who
(20:13):
can understand what to do whenwe're triggered, and that's why
we have to have thatself-compassion that it does
take time for us to have thatemotional regulation and then to
know what to do with thatinformation, to begin applying
it to family, friends,relationships, so it does not
happen overnight.
As soon as we read one book,it's like once we're triggered,
(20:36):
everything, all that logic cango out the window if it's
understood correctly, itabsolutely goes out the window.
Speaker 1 (20:41):
If not understood correctly, it absolutely goes
out the window.
And while you were talking, itbrought up two examples for me.
So one of the things that Ilike to say is you know, when we
get triggered, I go.
The trigger is the smoke alarmand it's pointing to the
maladaptive coping skill that wepicked up as kids, and if we
are reacting from that, it'sbecause there is a wound that
(21:03):
has not been resolved, and so Istopped hating the trigger.
I don't quite love it, like youdo, but I stopped hating the
trigger because now I go oh,it's my smoke alarm showing me
that I'm operating from a childself instead of, and from a
wound instead of from thepresent day self that actually
has that emotional maturity.
(21:23):
So there's that aspect of it.
So the other aspect is because Istruggled with this in the
beginning, so incredibly, like Iwas convinced it was them 100%.
You know what I'm like when I'mconvinced, so I was convinced it
was the other person who wasdoing it to me and, of course,
that first teacher that I hadway back when she was the one
(21:46):
that looked at me with thatlittle tiny smile and she just
said very softly well, kim, ifyou spot it, you got it, and I
was like what?
No, I don't.
No, I don't Tick the box, butif I'm thinking somebody else is
doing something to me, it isanother smoke alarm, saying you
have something unresolved in you.
(22:08):
It doesn't mean it's playingout presently, it might be from
then, it might have been fromtwo weeks ago, but it's
something that you are holdinginside of you that you haven't
resolved yet.
And so those were some of thetricks that I learned in the
early days, and it used to driveme mad because I'd want to spew
something at somebody and I'dbe hearing that you spot it, you
(22:28):
got it, and I'm like where isit alive in me?
Speaker 2 (22:35):
Let's take a step back from this week's episode
and share with everyone whatwe've been up to behind the
scenes.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
We're really excited to be able to finally offer the
Gareth Michael community to eachof you.
The community offers a range ofbenefits, including access to
our live events, weekly podcastepisodes, articles,
self-checking questions, as wellas a community of individuals
you can connect with andinteract with along the way.
As a community of individualsyou can connect with and
interact with along the way,it's designed to offer you
(23:02):
support, guidance and a safespace on a day-to-day basis.
We'd love to have you join ourglobal community of like-minded
individuals.
That website address again, iswwwgarethmichaelcom.
Now let's get back to thatepisode.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
Shall we a little example of that that I think can
get a trigger out of majorityof people if you say it to them
is that if I was to say, sithere and say, can you remind me
of your mom, can really spot herwater all over the mic.
Well, you remind me of your dad.
And what's really interestingabout this is that if your
(23:46):
parents, parent or caregiverraised you, you can look at that
as an analysis from a veryfactual thing.
Going, if these people raisedyou, it'd be very hard for you
not to be like them undercertain ways Exactly Mannerisms,
wording, programming, whateverit is but the emotional response
that brings up so many peoplebecause a lot of us can go
(24:08):
through life going I don't wantto be compared to them.
I'll never do life the way theydid.
I'll be a completely differentparent.
I will never be like them.
Don't get me wrong even if youhave a great relationship with
your parents, parent orcaregiver, there can still be
that response of oh, don'tcompare me to X.
(24:29):
But as you said there in thatexample, if you spot it, you got
it.
But it's funny how a lot ofpeople, or a lot of us, at one
stage did not want to believethat even for a second, that we
could be anything like ourparents which is a crazy concept
to start with, that we actuallythink we could be anything else
but like them.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
Well, what used to drive me crazy is in the early
days, when I first startedgetting help, people would go oh
my God, you're so much likeyour father.
Well, at that particular timein my life, I really wasn't very
happy with my father.
I thought he wasn't a very niceperson.
And so I was like, how dare you?
And then I kept working andresolving all the issues with my
dad and I can remember thefirst time I went home and they
were like, oh my God, you're thespitting image of mom I was
(25:08):
like seriously, people leave mealone.
Speaker 2 (25:13):
Can I not just be me?
Speaker 1 (25:46):
no-transcript.
Doing this work is it's notabout blame and shaming more
it's about recognizingcompassion for everybody and
that everybody's just doing thebest they can.
And they can only give us whatthey got, and if they didn't get
(26:07):
very healthy boundaries andinstances of communication, then
you're not going to get iteither.
Speaker 2 (26:14):
And that compassion for self, nevermind then
extending it to another person.
It's not easily found or justgiven.
It takes time because I thinkespecially because there's so
much misunderstanding and sooften so much hurt and that hurt
is true and it is valid, and Ithink that's why it takes so
long to work through that, toget to a stage of understanding
(26:36):
that, more often than not, a lotof the decisions that our
parents or caregivers made isthat this one, because they
didn't know better, as you saidyourself.
And secondly, they were alsorunning from fears that they
probably got from their parentsand now they have their own kids
to look after or family to lookafter, and that completely
(26:57):
changes a person, never mindthem running all these inner
child patterns.
So when you start piecing thatall together, not only do you
start defining compassion foryourselves, but you also begin
to look back and go those poorparents, those poor caregivers,
like they were just always justtrying their best.
It doesn't mean that youwouldn't prefer that they had
done certain things differently,but I think we can look at
(27:19):
anyone we have a history withand say that about them and
ourselves.
Now, in hindsight, we all sayhindsight's an amazing thing
because there's a lot of thingswe could all do differently, but
I think, with the hurt and themisunderstanding that we often
hold within ourselves towardsother people, is that it's
important that we allowourselves to have that different
perspective of that.
(27:41):
We were all pretending to knowa lot more than what we actually
did, because that's whateveryone else was doing, and
more often than not, there was alack of information and more
fear present than we everthought there was very true and
I have.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
I have such a good example that I'm going to share,
and I've probably shared itbefore.
But when I was was 17, I camehome one night, blind drunk.
I want you to hear that.
I was 17.
I hadn't even hit legal age yetand I was blind drunk, and it
was probably, you know, one ofmultiple times and my father
(28:14):
said to me you have a problem,you need to get help or you need
to get out.
I am not going to tolerate thisin my household and, of course,
I'm 17.
So what am I going to do?
See you later, alligator.
Well, let me tell you, for years, the resentment and the hatred
I had towards that man forkicking me out at 17 and making
(28:35):
me find my own way, and yada,yada, yada and all the other
wounds that I felt like I hadfrom it.
And I remember working on thisas my kids were growing up,
because I still hadn't resolveda lot of the stuff with my dad.
But when my son turned 16 andhe went out and got drunk and he
didn't want to go to work thenext morning and I was standing
(28:57):
in his bedroom and I was sayingto him next morning and I was
standing in his bedroom and Iwas saying to him you want to
play, you have to pay.
You're going to get up and goto work.
I had this flashback and I waslike how hard must that have
been for that man to look at his17-year-old daughter and say
you must either get help or getout.
(29:18):
And then, when I got out, howhard that must have been for him
, because I was, well andtruthfully, into an addiction
that went on for quite a while,which probably you know as a
parent, you never stop caringabout your children and the fear
.
And so it was in that momentthat that was happening to me,
that all of a sudden I had thisthat was happening to me, that
(29:39):
all of a sudden I had this geez,how much must he have loved me.
And it was the first time afterall those years of anger and
hatred that I was able to go oh,okay, I get it now.
And that is kind of how ithappens for all of us, don't you
think?
On so many different levels.
And I had been actively workingon it for quite a while, so it
(30:01):
wasn't like I wasn't trying to,but I couldn't get past the
resentment of what he had donebut this is what we can't force
it.
Speaker 2 (30:08):
You can't force or fake the compassion that
eventually comes down the line.
And that's where actuallyeducating ourselves with
different books, material andgoing to the right individuals
to walk us through some of theseprocesses, because the wound is
going to take as much time asit needs to heal and, depending
on the wound we're talking about, some are surface level and
(30:30):
some run very deep, very deep.
Yes, we can't skip straight tocompassion.
The education is importantbecause that's where the lesson
is compassion.
Speaker 1 (30:40):
The education is important because that's where
the lesson is.
So then, I think you know wherea lot of people get confused is
, if they can't even relate tohaving an inner child, how do
they go about, you know, workingwith an inner child if they
can't even relate to having it?
And so we have to now go intotalking about, okay, once you
acknowledge that this might becoming from a younger aspect of
(31:01):
your life, and the response isnot what you would respond if
you were completely present intoday.
Now, how am I going to reparentthis little thing that you know
like for me?
I remember thinking I don'tknow how to parent.
Nobody taught me.
Speaker 2 (31:15):
I think a technique you mentioned earlier and I
think just getting us any of usintroduced to this part of it is
to take it really slow, andsomething, if the opportunity is
there or we have access to, ischildhood pictures, as you
mentioned, Ranging from any age,from when you're a tot, from
when you're just born right theway up through your teenage
(31:39):
years.
It doesn't matter whatever youhave access to, and just
identifying with yourself atthose different age groups can
bring up so many emotions, somany memories that have been
forgotten, and it's just areally interesting exercise to
do, to be like.
What does these differentimages bring up in me?
Who are the individuals in it?
Exploring that simply at thestart, I think, is always going
(32:03):
to be amazing.
It can give you so much toexplore with a professional.
Speaker 1 (32:07):
Yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (32:08):
And I think even in doing that process and
identifying with those differentparts of you, versions of you,
it can be healing on its own,and I think I've seen it bring
up so much emotions without evenasking a why?
Question once.
Speaker 1 (32:22):
Yes, yes, it can.
I can tell you.
Oftentimes, when I first startedgoing back home to my parents'
house and I saw pictures of me,I didn't know who it was because
my self-image of who I was andwhat those pictures showed were
so vastly different, and thatwas a big eye opener for me, you
(32:42):
know, and everybody's going tohave a different experience when
they look at these photos, butit is a great place to start.
So I think the next place you gois the next thing from the
pictures is becoming aware ofour responses and paying
attention to those responses,and I think what I show a lot of
(33:02):
people.
So one of the things and ofcourse, this is where my filters
come through, because I was inthe middle of 10 children, so
there wasn't a lot of time for alot of affection and caregiving
at that stage in my life, andso what I show people is, you
know, I teach them how to juststart to soothe themselves with
(33:24):
that interconnection, just youknow, doing a very nurturing,
rubbing your arms, or I put myhand on my heart and I go, I
heard you, it's okay, it's okay,I got you.
That's all I would say in thebeginning is it's okay, I've got
you.
And as I used to say to myfirst teacher when she'd go,
how'd you go working with yourinner child?
(33:45):
And I'd look at her and I'd gothe inner child did just fine.
It's the adult that keepsleaving.
She skips out every chance shegets because it was so hard to
actually work with the concept.
And that's when somebody elseand she had me start writing.
That was the very first time Istarted to write and start to
(34:05):
communicate with my younger self, and I would just write a
letter to my younger self andthen I would give my younger
self the opportunity to writeback to me and it would just be
free writing and that's a greatway to start to understand
what's going on.
Speaker 2 (34:20):
Because I think, even in the journey for so many
years, we can feel such guiltand shame about the experiences
that we're going through, theexperiences that we had, the
feelings that are the emotionsthat are going on within us, and
there's just such amisunderstanding there and I
think when we actually are doingthis kind of work, you begin to
realize that all of this didn'tstart with you, but it is
(34:43):
within you, and I think that'swhere there's a battle of
wanting to blame other people,and all of us have spent decades
blaming a lot of differentindividuals in a lot of
different ways.
But what we all have in commonhere is that it's never resolved
the feelings inside, because alot of us have never once again
been taught how to takeresponsibility for this in
(35:05):
different ways.
How do we actually express this?
How do we get to acceptance andto peace with this?
And actually, in looking at itand doing an element of this
inner child work and actuallysitting with ourselves in ways
that we just haven't had theopportunity for and never knew
was even possible?
And I think when we do that thatwe actually begin to see that
(35:26):
resistance and shame and guiltstarts to resolve because we
have a newfound understandingand new ways to express
ourselves.
Because if we've been havingall these negative emotions as
the example we've never knownhow to express or even how to
put wording to it then in thenegative emotions that we do
understand or can feel, they allgo loading into that one
emotion, or those few emotionsand that's where you can feel it
(35:48):
quite often or the smallest ofthings can trigger it, because
that's the only emotion at themoment that's currently openly
available that we can express.
So therefore, as we talkedabout in previous episodes, our
whole system has to get creativeto get our attention these
different ways, and it'llutilize anything it has access
to to do that for our own growth.
(36:08):
But does it feel like that?
Does it feel like growth whenwe're feeling?
those emotions absolutely not soit's only when we start looking
at those photographs throughoutthe different ages and we start
writing to ourselves and evenhaving an emotion sheet, as I
say, our emotion inventorybeside us, that we can do
justice to the different levelsof emotions that we can
(36:30):
experience.
We feel that our system thendoesn't have to utilize other
intense negative emotions orintense thinking or thoughts in
order to get our intentionlonger term.
And, of course, if we'renoticing certain behaviors or
patterns popping up more withinus, that's when we go back to
the profession or go to sessionswith someone that we trust to
help us work through thespecifics, because it's not a
(36:52):
journey that any of us are builtto do on our own from start to
finish.
I do think it's actuallyhumanly impossible, because we
do need external input, becauseall we know is this internal
world and it can be hard for anyof us to decode it on our own
because, as I said, it's allwe've ever known.
Speaker 1 (37:08):
Well, if it's all we've ever known and it's come
from that child aspect and wehaven't been made aware that
there are other aspects, how canwe change it?
We have to have that outsideobjective point of view to go.
Wait, have you ever thoughtabout it like this, or have you
looked at it from this angle?
And that shifts everything onso many different levels.
And I agree that I think it'shumanly impossible for us to go
(37:33):
into this kind of depth on ourown.
And Lord knows, I've tried andit never worked.
So here's the shortcut Don't doit.
Speaker 2 (37:43):
I feel like when we're actually in session, it's
like a parent-teacher meeting,it's like how are the kids this
week?
What did they misbehave, whatdid they do good, what came up,
and a report is distributed.
But again, I mean that in apositive light, because then we
stop feeling as much shame orguilt or beating ourselves up.
(38:04):
We start beginning tounderstand ourselves and the
people around us in ways that wejust didn't know humanly was
possible, and that is so healingand so free and beyond words.
Speaker 1 (38:14):
Well, and it makes so much more space for us to
explore the different things wewant to explore now because
before we're trapped in thesecycles of repetitive patterns.
So you know a couple otherthings that people talk about.
Like I've said so many times, Ilove the present moment,
awareness, because that helpedme see that I'm here.
I used to say to myself here Iam, it's 2025, and this is the
(38:39):
age I am, and yes, that feltreally real then.
It's not happening now, and themore that I use that
mindfulness and the more that Iused all the different aspects
that were taught to me, the moreI developed a relationship.
I do have and I don't mindsaying it, I have a very close
relationship with my innerchildren now and I'm pretty
(39:00):
aware whenever they're close tothe surface and I'm responding
from that place.
Does it make it easier to workthrough it?
I mean, the things still happen, because there are still things
that come up that I wasn'taware are there, but it makes it
a whole lot easier tocommunicate with myself in that
way.
What we really want to talkabout here, as we've gone
(39:22):
through all of these differentaspects, is, if you make the
decision to start to work onthis, which you usually don't
(39:51):
get a choice.
It's usually happening.
So once it's started.
Consistency is the key, becauseif we work with our inner child
for a little while and then wego okay, that's enough.
Oh, there's my little girl.
Let me just put my hand on myheart.
Yes, I hear that you're upset.
That was then.
This is now.
I've got this, you don't have todo it, and so many of my
(40:11):
clients have heard me say thatso many times.
I think they hate those words,but that is one of the key
things, and it becomes easierand easier and easier as long as
we are being consistent.
And it is one of the greatestjourneys you're ever going to
take, because you get to knowyourself in a completely
different way.
You get to give yourself whatyou didn't get, and I think
(40:34):
that's the real beauty of doingthis work when you finally are
giving to you what you've alwayswanted your whole life, but you
thought you wanted it fromoutside of you.
Speaker 2 (40:42):
Couldn't have said it better myself.
Speaker 1 (40:48):
Thanks so much for listening.
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(41:08):
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Thanks again, and I hope youguys are having a lovely week.
Welcome back to the Practical Spirituality Podcast.
We are so excited to have youon this journey with us, where
we explore all elements of mind,body, emotions and soul through
the lens of everyday life.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Hello Kim.
Speaker 1 (00:30):
Hello Gareth, how are you?
Speaker 2 (00:32):
I'm doing good this morning.
How are you doing?
Speaker 1 (00:35):
I feel better after we had a good little laugh there
.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Always helps before the recording.
Yes, it does.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
It does.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
So for this week's episode, I want to talk about
something that I think comes upin a lot of people's healing
journey, especially when theystart exploring themselves.
That would be spirituallyself-help therapy and we have
talked about this, I believe, onan exclusive episode on the
community and how it's relatedis basically about our inner
(01:07):
child and how that can come upin so many different ways in
exploring ourselves.
And I think, when you realizehow deep that runs within any of
us and the skills we have tolearn along the way to basically
reparent ourselves.
Yes, and I think that's such aninteresting topic because when
you take a step back and thinkabout it, when we look at a lot
(01:29):
of our fears or self-criticism,our inability to emotionally
regulate, or misunderstanding ofwhere our thoughts, behaviors,
programming comes from, a lot ofit, if you look at it, is a
child's perspective in a lot ofdifferent ways.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
Yes, it is Very much so yes.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
So the whole concept of reparenting ourselves, I
think it's just a veryinteresting topic because it's a
huge part of the healingprocess, especially in the
journey of understanding selfand what it means to be human.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
I would agree.
And I think what a lot ofpeople don't understand is they
think we're going to go and healan inner child and we forget
that we've had many, many, many,many versions of that child.
Speaker 2 (02:13):
And her children.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
Yeah, so I used to say I think it's why sometimes
people talk refer to internalfamily systems because it is all
of that time period when wedidn't have the ability to
express ourself or, you know,speak up for ourselves or defend
ourselves, regardless of whatthe issues were, and so there's
(02:36):
a part of us that gets frozen inthat time frame until we've
resolved whatever that is, andso it becomes interesting.
Speaker 2 (02:44):
But I think that's where I love.
That saying I use often is thatyou know, we don't grow up, we
just grow old.
Speaker 1 (02:50):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
Because a lot of the time is that even our parents we
might have looked up to them,or our caregivers we might have
looked at them for such anextended period of time in our
lives for advice.
But it really is.
We're all children, raisingchildren.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
And when we're so young, we're all children,
raising children.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
Yes, and when we're so young we don't know any
better Exactly and I used to sayit all the time, you know, when
I first started working in drugand alcohol that it really is.
You can tell that children havebeen raising children, because
there's no logic and there's nomaturity in some of the things
that have been expressed and soit's like.
But again, I remember the day Irealized with my own mother
(03:31):
that she was seeking attention,just like a child was seeking
attention, and so it was like ohwait a minute, you're not even
grown up.
No wonder I'm not grown up.
Speaker 2 (03:43):
Wasn't given the chance.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
Exactly there you go.
Speaker 2 (03:48):
What about now?
Speaker 1 (03:50):
Working on it.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
Working on it, working progress.
Speaker 1 (03:53):
There are moments.
There are moments when I hitsmall Moments of wisdom.
Emotional maturity.
Speaker 2 (04:00):
But I think in this episode it's important to talk
about why all of this matters,because I think, if it hasn't
been explored before, touched on, for someone who's listening to
this, I can understand how it'sa bit of a wild concept,
because we really only think ofourselves as present day, as the
age we are now, that happen tohave memories from the past and
from childhood.
I think it's a hard concept tobelieve or to think about that
(04:24):
these different versions of us,or parts of us, is still alive
within us present day.
That can dictate a lot of thedecisions that we make day in
day out.
Speaker 1 (04:33):
Yeah, I could get really technical and explain to
you the technical and theneuroscience reasonings for that
, but we've done that in so manyepisodes so I won't go into it
now.
But when we have anythinghappen to us, it doesn't have to
(04:55):
even be a big trauma If wedon't feel completely resolved
in whatever it was that happened.
It could be simply as runninginto the room wanting to tell
your parents something and themshutting you down and it was
really important to you and yougot shut down.
That part of you gets frozen inthe shutdown and so until that
gets resolved, it's always goingto play a role in every
relationship you ever have.
(05:16):
And I think people get scaredof the concept of the inner
child.
You know, because I've oftenhad clients come to me and I
start to talk oh, I don't wantto do inner child work.
I'm like, okay, well, let'sjust do younger you work then,
because it has to be done.
Speaker 2 (05:35):
Redefine it.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
Yeah, and I don't think people understand why that
is so important, that it has tobe done, that we really need to
form that relationship, and itis, if we're really serious.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
it is about forming a relationship with ourself and
all the versions of ourself thathave been alive throughout the
years I think what's importantto also point out is that the
different elements of us thatshall we we say, needs work, or
fears, or the criticism we haveor inability to process certain
(06:10):
emotions yes, there are some ofthe negative traits that we
might have hold on to or that'sbeen frozen in time, but then,
if you also think about it froma positive perspective, there's
a lot of things from when wewere kids into our young adults
that have been frozen in timehave actually made us who we are
today, of the things weactually enjoy in life.
Also, because it's not allnegative.
Yeah, both sides exist and ifwe actually do enough
(06:35):
questioning, regardless of whatcomes up, of why we either
dislike certain things or why weenjoy other things, you can
often link it back to when wewere kids, children, certain
individuals in our lives,experiences that go across so
many decades of any of our lives.
So, I think, in evenreparenting ourselves or
understanding the pros and consof what scares us, but also what
(06:58):
drives us, what makes us feelat peace, what makes us feel
safe, it's just a veryinteresting conversation because
it's not one area of our livesthat it doesn't affect.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
Exactly.
There's not a single area thatit doesn't affect.
So I think one of the reasonsthat it's hard for people to
wrap their heads around thatwe're going to re-parent our
inner child is because we havebeen taught, like we've said in
previous episodes, to seek thatsort of thing outside of ourself
.
Well, when we continue to say,getting curious about ourself,
(07:31):
getting curious about goingwithin, that's exactly what we
mean.
It's like, okay, we're startingto develop this new
relationship with self.
We left those kids way backwhen and never looked back and
didn't want to know about itbecause, as most of us do in
early childhood, we can't waitto get out of the childhood
years.
We can't wait to be an adult.
(07:51):
Then we get to be an adult.
We're like, oh well, thisadulting is not really what we
thought it was going to be.
But then we just press on andforget that there was a time.
Yeah, we get busy, and so themore that we develop that
relationship with self and we gowithin and we can look at these
different aspects that havebeen frozen in time, then there
(08:13):
becomes a sense of maturity.
It's like we're starting togrow up a little bit.
When I'm talking with clientsand I often want to help them
understand why this is soimportant and why we need to go
back and do it and what are someof the signs that there's
unresolved issues.
There is, if you are someonethat is running that self-critic
(08:37):
that is nonstop in everythingyou do, you can't do anything
right.
There is a sign that you'vetaken on something in childhood
and it just has been stacked andstacked, and stacked and so
it's showing up in every area ofyour life.
And for all of these steps orsigns that I'm about to say that
(08:57):
we need reparenting trust me,plenty of examples, if anybody
needs them.
I got all of them, I had all ofthem.
So well, I still have them.
So, okay, I'm going.
Oh, I really want to say I'vemoved past them, but I really
okay.
Speaker 2 (09:12):
Just aware of them now.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
I'm aware of them and I'm able to stop and really be
with me in those moments.
So that self-criticism is oneof them, you know.
The other one is a big word butI'll break it down that
emotional dysregulation and alot of people know what that
means today, but basically whatit means is if our emotions are
(09:34):
really all over the place, weget stressed, then we're having
big reactions.
Or if there's conflict andwe're trying to run away from
the conflict, or if we haveunexpected things come up that
we don't know how to deal withand we want to run and hide or
we want to run away from it,those are all signs of emotional
dysregulation that we don't.
So I used to think because thisis what the psychologist used
(09:58):
to tell me you have no affectregulation, which means you
don't know how to control youremotions, and I was like, well,
I can't control my emotions,they come up.
But really what it means is, asthose emotions come up, I have
no idea where they're comingfrom and I feel out of control.
Is what it means, that emotionaldysregulation?
And then, of course, the big,big one which so many of us have
(10:21):
, is that fear of abandonment,or the opposite side of that,
the excessive people pleasing.
So, if you think about it,they're all signs of that fight,
fight, freeze response on somelevel or another.
So these are all areas that youknow.
If you're experiencing this ona regular basis, this is a sign
(10:42):
that you might have a part ofyou that is screaming out for
help.
And that's how I prefer to lookat it, as it's not a
dysfunction.
It's not something that's wrongwith us.
It's just a part of us thathasn't been able to resolve
something.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
And I think in everything you're saying there,
in those examples, it's sorelatable.
I think if you picked anyone outin the street, they would of
have elements of self-criticism,they're going to have emotional
dysregulation and the fear ofabandonment in their own ways
and, of course, people pleasingso I think it's that most people
probably have are running threeout of those four, and there
are only some of the examples.
(11:18):
Yes, of course, much, many moreon top.
Of that goes to show that it isa universal experience we're
all gonna gonna, are gonna haveto go through and do go through
because, as I mentioned earlier,we're all just kids raising
kids, because we've never beentaught any of these things that
actually go on within us andwhat are the solutions and what
are the awarenesses begin tomature in those different ways.
(11:40):
We are experiencing any ofthese different examples.
The easiest thing to do is todeflect.
It's like you're making me feelthis way, you're criticizing me
, you're making my emotions gocrazy or make me want to run
away, or you know, it's aconstant experience that,
because when we don't understandself, it's easy to say it's you
(12:00):
that's the problem but.
I think, like anything, is thatif we don't understand within
ourselves, those kind ofrelationships are going to keep
finding us.
Because we have yet tounderstand that we're a part of
the problem in this equation,because if we keep attracting it
in different relationships, itcan't be the entire 8 billion
people.
That's the problem.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
Exactly.
But we don't, you know, wedon't understand it, we don't
know how to do it, and it isvery hard in the beginning to go
.
Oh, this is coming from insideme, because progress with me
used to.
I'll never forget it.
You know, I would go into heroffice and I would be
(12:49):
downloading bam, bam, bam, bambam all this terrible stuff
about my partner Right, and shewould sit there with this little
smile on her face and she's asmall and petite, right, and
she'd sit there with a smile onher face and she'd do this.
She'd start to look up at theceiling.
Then she'd turn her head andlook at the ceiling in another
direction, that she'd lookbehind her and I think, what the
hell are you doing?
(13:09):
I was like, did you hear me?
And she goes oh yeah, are youready to start talking about you
yet?
ouch right, and I'll be like Iam trying to tell you, and she
was like, yes, but I don't seehim here in the room, I only see
you here.
(13:30):
And I was like, oh, it used todrive me mad in the beginning.
I mean, by the time I finishedseeing this person, we used to
have a big laugh about it,because I'd start and I just it
would be like this, stopmid-sentence, because I'd be
like, oh, I'm doing it again.
Okay so, and like the day thatshe said to me, let me introduce
(13:50):
you to the rest of your innerfamily, I was like, oh, no, I've
got enough already, not today.
But you know it is, it's such animportant aspect on this
spiritual growth.
Speaker 2 (14:02):
Yep, and just growth, full stop.
Because I think that's what's'sagain fascinating about it.
We're all exposed to it and weall discover these parts of us
at different timelines as we gothroughout life.
And I think our awakening tothat is that when we find
ourselves repeating the samepatterns through different
(14:22):
people, to no fault of their ownor ourselves, it's just that
when we keep seeing the samething over and over again and we
keep getting hurt in the sameway over and over again, where
we're all the same is that atsome stage along the way, it
forces you to ask the questionand to start doing the inner
research and outer research intowhat is actually going on here,
(14:44):
because the same lesson overand over again.
It keeps cutting deeper intothe same wound.
Yes, until we actually begin tounderstand why and, as you said,
it is not an easy concept orthing to explore, especially at
the start, because it is soalien compared to anything we've
been taught in our educationsystems or in even in society,
(15:05):
or even from family, friends andour relationships.
So it's a lot to wrap our headaround.
But when we start having thoseaha moments, like you were using
there in your examples, it iskind of it's a breath of fresh
air to begin to understand okay,there is something I can do
about this or this starts tomake sense for not only my past
but what this means for me frommoving forward, and I think we
(15:28):
should probably dive in to knowsome of the core steps and
actually what it means to beginreparenting ourselves in our
day-to-day lives so I think oneof those first steps is
acknowledging that we do have aninner child, or inner children.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
They go what do you mean?
I don't really believe in thatstuff.
Rah, rah, rah.
And so then for me, as someonewho works with a lot of people,
I have to kind of then give themexamples.
But acknowledging that, youknow, the simplest way I found
is how I explain to people whathappens in the brain when we get
triggered and how we go back tothe emotional reaction.
(16:05):
And, like you had said at thevery beginning of this
conversation, when we start tolook at our reactions and we
listen to what we say or how werespond, it does not sound like
it is a grown adult making thatresponse.
It sounds like a child'sresponse.
The reasoning behind it soundslike a child's response and that
(16:26):
in itself is an acknowledgementof that.
This is coming from a youngerspace in my life.
We're not saying that you nowhave to create an image of a
child and really hold that image, although that can be helpful
if you're a very visual person.
A lot of times I will explainto people do you have an old
picture of you when you were achild?
(16:46):
And so, because we get socritical of ourself.
Instead of being critical, wehave a picture of ourself as a
younger child.
When we have the self-criticismor the emotional dysregulation
or any of the other things we'vementioned, we look at that
picture.
How would you respond to someonethat age?
You know you're justacknowledging that this is
(17:09):
coming from a space inside ofyou that had not emotionally
matured at that time and so youwouldn't go at it like a bull in
a china shop.
You would go okay, we need tohave some kindness and some
compassion here, to have somekindness and some compassion
here, and so you want to stepinto that form of it and then
seeing that a child didn't havethe skills to acknowledge or to
(17:36):
to speak the truth about whatwas happening for them, Like
when you're a child and someonesaid, don't do that, did you go?
But I'm really curious, Didn'thappen If mom and dad said don't
do that?
You know you might do it justout of spite, but most of the
time we don't do it becausethey're the authority figures.
And what I remember the most isI would be excited about
(17:57):
explaining something to myparents and I would get shut
down and they would tell me thatI was crazy, or they would tell
me I was over emotional or allthe other things that they would
tell me, but I would be sofrustrated because they wouldn't
even listen to my point, and sothose are a lot of the places
where I myself got frozen inthat as that younger self, and
(18:20):
that's really what it is.
It's like a part of us freezesin that moment where we don't
get to express what we want toexpress.
Speaker 2 (18:27):
And I think, especially when we're starting
to become aware of this andbeginning to make different
decisions on how to be less,shall we say, triggered, less
emotional, but for the rightreasons, because we actually
want to understand it is thatthat often entails in learning
how to set emotional boundaries,which again is a whole new
(18:47):
concept, because a lot of us arenot even aware of all the
emotions that we have access to,but then how to name them, how
to express them, never mindsetting emotional boundaries
with ourselves and with otherpeople.
Yeah, so even that and I don'twant to oversimplify all these
different things in this episode, because we both know there's a
(19:08):
lot of different layers to anyof these components, which is
the truth we can either findourselves giving too much
responsibility to another personas I said earlier about you're
doing this to me or else we canactually find ourselves taking
too much responsibility forsomeone else's actions also and
I think, depending on wherewe're at, both extremes are
(19:29):
unhealthy for us and it doesmanipulate our own emotions as
well.
We find ourselves can be capableof manipulating other people's
emotions, so we can findourselves in this constant back
and forward and therefore, likea lot of the episodes in which
we give advice, that's why weactually need to find a
professional to be the adult inthe room with us as we figure
out our inner children of whywe're so reactive, because we
(19:51):
need that wise person toactually start educating that
part of us.
Ever be educated if we'realways around other children
that even raised us, that is,our parents our caregivers, our
friends, our family members, thelist goes on.
So we actually have to turn to aperson who has explored this,
who understands that you canhave the patience for us, who
(20:13):
can understand what to do whenwe're triggered, and that's why
we have to have thatself-compassion that it does
take time for us to have thatemotional regulation and then to
know what to do with thatinformation, to begin applying
it to family, friends,relationships, so it does not
happen overnight.
As soon as we read one book,it's like once we're triggered,
(20:36):
everything, all that logic cango out the window if it's
understood correctly, itabsolutely goes out the window.
Speaker 1 (20:41):
If not understood correctly, it absolutely goes
out the window.
And while you were talking, itbrought up two examples for me.
So one of the things that Ilike to say is you know, when we
get triggered, I go.
The trigger is the smoke alarmand it's pointing to the
maladaptive coping skill that wepicked up as kids, and if we
are reacting from that, it'sbecause there is a wound that
(21:03):
has not been resolved, and so Istopped hating the trigger.
I don't quite love it, like youdo, but I stopped hating the
trigger because now I go oh,it's my smoke alarm showing me
that I'm operating from a childself instead of, and from a
wound instead of from thepresent day self that actually
has that emotional maturity.
(21:23):
So there's that aspect of it.
So the other aspect is because Istruggled with this in the
beginning, so incredibly, like Iwas convinced it was them 100%.
You know what I'm like when I'mconvinced, so I was convinced it
was the other person who wasdoing it to me and, of course,
that first teacher that I hadway back when she was the one
(21:46):
that looked at me with thatlittle tiny smile and she just
said very softly well, kim, ifyou spot it, you got it, and I
was like what?
No, I don't.
No, I don't Tick the box, butif I'm thinking somebody else is
doing something to me, it isanother smoke alarm, saying you
have something unresolved in you.
(22:08):
It doesn't mean it's playingout presently, it might be from
then, it might have been fromtwo weeks ago, but it's
something that you are holdinginside of you that you haven't
resolved yet.
And so those were some of thetricks that I learned in the
early days, and it used to driveme mad because I'd want to spew
something at somebody and I'dbe hearing that you spot it, you
(22:28):
got it, and I'm like where isit alive in me?
Speaker 2 (22:35):
Let's take a step back from this week's episode
and share with everyone whatwe've been up to behind the
scenes.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
We're really excited to be able to finally offer the
Gareth Michael community to eachof you.
The community offers a range ofbenefits, including access to
our live events, weekly podcastepisodes, articles,
self-checking questions, as wellas a community of individuals
you can connect with andinteract with along the way.
As a community of individualsyou can connect with and
interact with along the way,it's designed to offer you
(23:02):
support, guidance and a safespace on a day-to-day basis.
We'd love to have you join ourglobal community of like-minded
individuals.
That website address again, iswwwgarethmichaelcom.
Now let's get back to thatepisode.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
Shall we a little example of that that I think can
get a trigger out of majorityof people if you say it to them
is that if I was to say, sithere and say, can you remind me
of your mom, can really spot herwater all over the mic.
Well, you remind me of your dad.
And what's really interestingabout this is that if your
(23:46):
parents, parent or caregiverraised you, you can look at that
as an analysis from a veryfactual thing.
Going, if these people raisedyou, it'd be very hard for you
not to be like them undercertain ways Exactly Mannerisms,
wording, programming, whateverit is but the emotional response
that brings up so many peoplebecause a lot of us can go
(24:08):
through life going I don't wantto be compared to them.
I'll never do life the way theydid.
I'll be a completely differentparent.
I will never be like them.
Don't get me wrong even if youhave a great relationship with
your parents, parent orcaregiver, there can still be
that response of oh, don'tcompare me to X.
(24:29):
But as you said there in thatexample, if you spot it, you got
it.
But it's funny how a lot ofpeople, or a lot of us, at one
stage did not want to believethat even for a second, that we
could be anything like ourparents which is a crazy concept
to start with, that we actuallythink we could be anything else
but like them.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
Well, what used to drive me crazy is in the early
days, when I first startedgetting help, people would go oh
my God, you're so much likeyour father.
Well, at that particular timein my life, I really wasn't very
happy with my father.
I thought he wasn't a very niceperson.
And so I was like, how dare you?
And then I kept working andresolving all the issues with my
dad and I can remember thefirst time I went home and they
were like, oh my God, you're thespitting image of mom I was
(25:08):
like seriously, people leave mealone.
Speaker 2 (25:13):
Can I not just be me?
Speaker 1 (25:46):
no-transcript.
Doing this work is it's notabout blame and shaming more
it's about recognizingcompassion for everybody and
that everybody's just doing thebest they can.
And they can only give us whatthey got, and if they didn't get
(26:07):
very healthy boundaries andinstances of communication, then
you're not going to get iteither.
Speaker 2 (26:14):
And that compassion for self, nevermind then
extending it to another person.
It's not easily found or justgiven.
It takes time because I thinkespecially because there's so
much misunderstanding and sooften so much hurt and that hurt
is true and it is valid, and Ithink that's why it takes so
long to work through that, toget to a stage of understanding
(26:36):
that, more often than not, a lotof the decisions that our
parents or caregivers made isthat this one, because they
didn't know better, as you saidyourself.
And secondly, they were alsorunning from fears that they
probably got from their parentsand now they have their own kids
to look after or family to lookafter, and that completely
(26:57):
changes a person, never mindthem running all these inner
child patterns.
So when you start piecing thatall together, not only do you
start defining compassion foryourselves, but you also begin
to look back and go those poorparents, those poor caregivers,
like they were just always justtrying their best.
It doesn't mean that youwouldn't prefer that they had
done certain things differently,but I think we can look at
(27:19):
anyone we have a history withand say that about them and
ourselves.
Now, in hindsight, we all sayhindsight's an amazing thing
because there's a lot of thingswe could all do differently, but
I think, with the hurt and themisunderstanding that we often
hold within ourselves towardsother people, is that it's
important that we allowourselves to have that different
perspective of that.
(27:41):
We were all pretending to knowa lot more than what we actually
did, because that's whateveryone else was doing, and
more often than not, there was alack of information and more
fear present than we everthought there was very true and
I have.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
I have such a good example that I'm going to share,
and I've probably shared itbefore.
But when I was was 17, I camehome one night, blind drunk.
I want you to hear that.
I was 17.
I hadn't even hit legal age yetand I was blind drunk, and it
was probably, you know, one ofmultiple times and my father
(28:14):
said to me you have a problem,you need to get help or you need
to get out.
I am not going to tolerate thisin my household and, of course,
I'm 17.
So what am I going to do?
See you later, alligator.
Well, let me tell you, for years, the resentment and the hatred
I had towards that man forkicking me out at 17 and making
(28:35):
me find my own way, and yada,yada, yada and all the other
wounds that I felt like I hadfrom it.
And I remember working on thisas my kids were growing up,
because I still hadn't resolveda lot of the stuff with my dad.
But when my son turned 16 andhe went out and got drunk and he
didn't want to go to work thenext morning and I was standing
(28:57):
in his bedroom and I was sayingto him next morning and I was
standing in his bedroom and Iwas saying to him you want to
play, you have to pay.
You're going to get up and goto work.
I had this flashback and I waslike how hard must that have
been for that man to look at his17-year-old daughter and say
you must either get help or getout.
(29:18):
And then, when I got out, howhard that must have been for him
, because I was, well andtruthfully, into an addiction
that went on for quite a while,which probably you know as a
parent, you never stop caringabout your children and the fear
.
And so it was in that momentthat that was happening to me,
that all of a sudden I had thisthat was happening to me, that
(29:39):
all of a sudden I had this geez,how much must he have loved me.
And it was the first time afterall those years of anger and
hatred that I was able to go oh,okay, I get it now.
And that is kind of how ithappens for all of us, don't you
think?
On so many different levels.
And I had been actively workingon it for quite a while, so it
(30:01):
wasn't like I wasn't trying to,but I couldn't get past the
resentment of what he had donebut this is what we can't force
it.
Speaker 2 (30:08):
You can't force or fake the compassion that
eventually comes down the line.
And that's where actuallyeducating ourselves with
different books, material andgoing to the right individuals
to walk us through some of theseprocesses, because the wound is
going to take as much time asit needs to heal and, depending
on the wound we're talking about, some are surface level and
(30:30):
some run very deep, very deep.
Yes, we can't skip straight tocompassion.
The education is importantbecause that's where the lesson
is compassion.
Speaker 1 (30:40):
The education is important because that's where
the lesson is.
So then, I think you know wherea lot of people get confused is
, if they can't even relate tohaving an inner child, how do
they go about, you know, workingwith an inner child if they
can't even relate to having it?
And so we have to now go intotalking about, okay, once you
acknowledge that this might becoming from a younger aspect of
(31:01):
your life, and the response isnot what you would respond if
you were completely present intoday.
Now, how am I going to reparentthis little thing that you know
like for me?
I remember thinking I don'tknow how to parent.
Nobody taught me.
Speaker 2 (31:15):
I think a technique you mentioned earlier and I
think just getting us any of usintroduced to this part of it is
to take it really slow, andsomething, if the opportunity is
there or we have access to, ischildhood pictures, as you
mentioned, Ranging from any age,from when you're a tot, from
when you're just born right theway up through your teenage
(31:39):
years.
It doesn't matter whatever youhave access to, and just
identifying with yourself atthose different age groups can
bring up so many emotions, somany memories that have been
forgotten, and it's just areally interesting exercise to
do, to be like.
What does these differentimages bring up in me?
Who are the individuals in it?
Exploring that simply at thestart, I think, is always going
(32:03):
to be amazing.
It can give you so much toexplore with a professional.
Speaker 1 (32:07):
Yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (32:08):
And I think even in doing that process and
identifying with those differentparts of you, versions of you,
it can be healing on its own,and I think I've seen it bring
up so much emotions without evenasking a why?
Question once.
Speaker 1 (32:22):
Yes, yes, it can.
I can tell you.
Oftentimes, when I first startedgoing back home to my parents'
house and I saw pictures of me,I didn't know who it was because
my self-image of who I was andwhat those pictures showed were
so vastly different, and thatwas a big eye opener for me, you
(32:42):
know, and everybody's going tohave a different experience when
they look at these photos, butit is a great place to start.
So I think the next place you gois the next thing from the
pictures is becoming aware ofour responses and paying
attention to those responses,and I think what I show a lot of
(33:02):
people.
So one of the things and ofcourse, this is where my filters
come through, because I was inthe middle of 10 children, so
there wasn't a lot of time for alot of affection and caregiving
at that stage in my life, andso what I show people is, you
know, I teach them how to juststart to soothe themselves with
(33:24):
that interconnection, just youknow, doing a very nurturing,
rubbing your arms, or I put myhand on my heart and I go, I
heard you, it's okay, it's okay,I got you.
That's all I would say in thebeginning is it's okay, I've got
you.
And as I used to say to myfirst teacher when she'd go,
how'd you go working with yourinner child?
(33:45):
And I'd look at her and I'd gothe inner child did just fine.
It's the adult that keepsleaving.
She skips out every chance shegets because it was so hard to
actually work with the concept.
And that's when somebody elseand she had me start writing.
That was the very first time Istarted to write and start to
(34:05):
communicate with my younger self, and I would just write a
letter to my younger self andthen I would give my younger
self the opportunity to writeback to me and it would just be
free writing and that's a greatway to start to understand
what's going on.
Speaker 2 (34:20):
Because I think, even in the journey for so many
years, we can feel such guiltand shame about the experiences
that we're going through, theexperiences that we had, the
feelings that are the emotionsthat are going on within us, and
there's just such amisunderstanding there and I
think when we actually are doingthis kind of work, you begin to
realize that all of this didn'tstart with you, but it is
(34:43):
within you, and I think that'swhere there's a battle of
wanting to blame other people,and all of us have spent decades
blaming a lot of differentindividuals in a lot of
different ways.
But what we all have in commonhere is that it's never resolved
the feelings inside, because alot of us have never once again
been taught how to takeresponsibility for this in
(35:05):
different ways.
How do we actually express this?
How do we get to acceptance andto peace with this?
And actually, in looking at itand doing an element of this
inner child work and actuallysitting with ourselves in ways
that we just haven't had theopportunity for and never knew
was even possible?
And I think when we do that thatwe actually begin to see that
(35:26):
resistance and shame and guiltstarts to resolve because we
have a newfound understandingand new ways to express
ourselves.
Because if we've been havingall these negative emotions as
the example we've never knownhow to express or even how to
put wording to it then in thenegative emotions that we do
understand or can feel, they allgo loading into that one
emotion, or those few emotionsand that's where you can feel it
(35:48):
quite often or the smallest ofthings can trigger it, because
that's the only emotion at themoment that's currently openly
available that we can express.
So therefore, as we talkedabout in previous episodes, our
whole system has to get creativeto get our attention these
different ways, and it'llutilize anything it has access
to to do that for our own growth.
(36:08):
But does it feel like that?
Does it feel like growth whenwe're feeling?
those emotions absolutely not soit's only when we start looking
at those photographs throughoutthe different ages and we start
writing to ourselves and evenhaving an emotion sheet, as I
say, our emotion inventorybeside us, that we can do
justice to the different levelsof emotions that we can
(36:30):
experience.
We feel that our system thendoesn't have to utilize other
intense negative emotions orintense thinking or thoughts in
order to get our intentionlonger term.
And, of course, if we'renoticing certain behaviors or
patterns popping up more withinus, that's when we go back to
the profession or go to sessionswith someone that we trust to
help us work through thespecifics, because it's not a
(36:52):
journey that any of us are builtto do on our own from start to
finish.
I do think it's actuallyhumanly impossible, because we
do need external input, becauseall we know is this internal
world and it can be hard for anyof us to decode it on our own
because, as I said, it's allwe've ever known.
Speaker 1 (37:08):
Well, if it's all we've ever known and it's come
from that child aspect and wehaven't been made aware that
there are other aspects, how canwe change it?
We have to have that outsideobjective point of view to go.
Wait, have you ever thoughtabout it like this, or have you
looked at it from this angle?
And that shifts everything onso many different levels.
And I agree that I think it'shumanly impossible for us to go
(37:33):
into this kind of depth on ourown.
And Lord knows, I've tried andit never worked.
So here's the shortcut Don't doit.
Speaker 2 (37:43):
I feel like when we're actually in session, it's
like a parent-teacher meeting,it's like how are the kids this
week?
What did they misbehave, whatdid they do good, what came up,
and a report is distributed.
But again, I mean that in apositive light, because then we
stop feeling as much shame orguilt or beating ourselves up.
(38:04):
We start beginning tounderstand ourselves and the
people around us in ways that wejust didn't know humanly was
possible, and that is so healingand so free and beyond words.
Speaker 1 (38:14):
Well, and it makes so much more space for us to
explore the different things wewant to explore now because
before we're trapped in thesecycles of repetitive patterns.
So you know a couple otherthings that people talk about.
Like I've said so many times, Ilove the present moment,
awareness, because that helpedme see that I'm here.
I used to say to myself here Iam, it's 2025, and this is the
(38:39):
age I am, and yes, that feltreally real then.
It's not happening now, and themore that I use that
mindfulness and the more that Iused all the different aspects
that were taught to me, the moreI developed a relationship.
I do have and I don't mindsaying it, I have a very close
relationship with my innerchildren now and I'm pretty
(39:00):
aware whenever they're close tothe surface and I'm responding
from that place.
Does it make it easier to workthrough it?
I mean, the things still happen, because there are still things
that come up that I wasn'taware are there, but it makes it
a whole lot easier tocommunicate with myself in that
way.
What we really want to talkabout here, as we've gone
(39:22):
through all of these differentaspects, is, if you make the
decision to start to work onthis, which you usually don't
(39:51):
get a choice.
It's usually happening.
So once it's started.
Consistency is the key, becauseif we work with our inner child
for a little while and then wego okay, that's enough.
Oh, there's my little girl.
Let me just put my hand on myheart.
Yes, I hear that you're upset.
That was then.
This is now.
I've got this, you don't have todo it, and so many of my
(40:11):
clients have heard me say thatso many times.
I think they hate those words,but that is one of the key
things, and it becomes easierand easier and easier as long as
we are being consistent.
And it is one of the greatestjourneys you're ever going to
take, because you get to knowyourself in a completely
different way.
You get to give yourself whatyou didn't get, and I think
(40:34):
that's the real beauty of doingthis work when you finally are
giving to you what you've alwayswanted your whole life, but you
thought you wanted it fromoutside of you.
Speaker 2 (40:42):
Couldn't have said it better myself.
Speaker 1 (40:48):
Thanks so much for listening.
If you enjoyed this episode,then you might want to check out
our online community.
We built it to offer you thecomfort of having a supportive
community by your side, nomatter where life takes you.
Connect with like-mindedindividuals through our app.
Navigate each step of thejourney together with us by
(41:08):
joining our Gareth Michaelcommunity.
Here are a few of the thingsyou're going to get.
You'll get exclusive real-timeaccess to live recording and
events.
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(41:32):
To learn more about ourcommunity, please go to
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Thanks again, and I hope youguys are having a lovely week.
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