November 13, 2023 • 23 mins
If you have multiple children at your house, you probably have experienced one sibling intentionally irritating another sibling, maybe pestering them, causing them unhappiness on purpose, possibly even bullying. What do we do about this? We're going to talk about it today in episode 208, right here on the Practically Speaking Mom Podcast. It's the place for intentional moms to build a strong family. I'm Val Harrison, your mom friend for the journey.
Ever felt overwhelmed when your kids come to you with stories of sibling irritations, and you're unsure of how to handle it? Buckle up, as we bring you an enlightening episode dedicated to handling sibling bullying and pestering. Find strategies to help the child who is doing the pestering, and strategies to help the one who is being pestered. Get to the heart of these sibling dynamics, helping you decode the stories your kids bring to you, without labeling them as tattlers.
Our exploration doesn't stop there; we tap into the five Rs - reflection, regret, repentance, refinement, and restoration for your CHILD, powerful tools to help your children understand their actions toward their siblings. We put the spotlight on the kids who might be causing disharmony, identifying the root cause of their behavior to channel their energy positively and build better habits.
Prepare for a power-packed journey of building stronger families.
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"May the Words of my mouth and the medit...
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
val harrison (00:04):
THIS TRANSCRIPT WAS CREATED AUTOMATICALLY AND
WAS NOT EDITED FOR ACCURACY.
If you have multiple childrenat your house, you probably have
experienced one siblingintentionally irritating another
sibling, maybe pestering them,causing them unhappiness on
purpose, possibly even bullying.
What do we do about this?
We're going to talk about ittoday, right here on the
Practically Speaking Mom Podcast.
(00:25):
It's the place for intentionalmoms to build a strong family.
I'm Val Harrison, your momfriend for the journey.
Let's go.
You're listening to thePractically Speaking Mom Podcast
.
I'm Val Harrison, mom to seven.
Five of them are grown and twoare still at home.
I'm also a mother-in-law and agrandma too.
(00:46):
God has given me a passion forencouraging and equipping moms
in this worthy journey ofmotherhood.
For the past 20 years, atparenting events and moms groups
, I've been privileged to meetmany moms who are doing their
best to be intentional in lovingtheir kids, preparing them for
life and loving the Lord too.
It's my honor to bring youtools for the journey every week
(01:09):
.
You can find lots moreresources on my website
PracticallySpeakingMomcom.
Intentional moms.
Let's get started with buildingstronger families right now.
Well, I first want toacknowledge how hard this type
of problem is to solve for usparents, because it usually
(01:30):
happens when we're not in theroom or when we're not looking.
In fact, this is the child thatknows you're not there or waits
until you're not looking beforethey act against a sibling,
causing irritation, pestering,maybe even trying to get under
their skin enough to get them togo tell on them so that mom
(01:51):
will say, now don't be atattletale.
Or just causing the opposite ofpeace, causing stress, causing
chaos.
What is going on with thischild that is doing that?
Before we jump into what we doabout the pestering child, I
want to talk for a moment aboutthe one that is being pestered.
(02:12):
Your brother picks on sisterand she screams and you come in
and you say what is going on andwe don't know.
Is it really that sister ismanipulating the situation and
wants to make it seem likebrother was the one causing the
problem, because she's the onecomplaining.
So those things can be sotricky.
(02:34):
Let's start by saying that whenthings are tricky like that, it
means that you're going to haveto be in the room more, you're
going to have to be extraobservant until we get to the
bottom of who's doing what andwhat motives are going on.
It also is very important whenthere's these situations where
(02:56):
you don't really know who's toblame and you don't know what
the motives are, that when youdo find them in a situation
where it is obvious at thosemoments you got to take big
action, then you know, takeadvantage of the times when you
do know so that hopefully youcan make an impact.
Then that will affect theseother times where you don't know
(03:19):
.
So I just wanted to throw thosetwo things in there real quick.
First, but let's look at thechild who keeps being pestered
or being bullied.
You know they are in asituation where they there's no
solution for them.
They're a kid.
They are often smaller than theone who's doing the pestering.
(03:43):
They have no way of overcomingthis situation except through
mom or dad.
So when they come and talk toyou, it's so important that you
not just scold them for tattling.
Yes, we don't want to create anenvironment where tattling
happens, because when they docome and talk to you like that,
(04:04):
you're still just getting oneside of the story.
They're not really getting theinformation.
So when a child comes to me andstarts wanting to tell their
side, then I remind them you arerequired to bring your sibling.
Did you tell your sibling thatthey're required to come with
you, that you're going to talkto mom and then they'll say yes
or no.
If they say yes, I did tellthem and they chose not to come.
(04:26):
Well, I'm going to confirm that, but then I'm going to listen
to the testimony of the one whocame because the other one chose
to not be there for it.
Now, if they did forget, theyneed to go back and tell the
other one come on, we need to gotalk to mom and then we get to
hear both testimonies.
(04:47):
So that's the first step.
That's really important whenyou're getting to the bottom of
the situations where you weren'tpresent and I know that can't
work all the time because somekids aren't old enough to talk
about their thoughts and all ofthat kind of thing but you
really do want to instill inthem that when they want to come
talk to you about somethingwhich it's great that they do
(05:10):
don't discourage your kidscoming and talking to you.
Just yesterday my freshman shereluctantly brought up something
.
She overheard a conversationbetween rich and I and she she
officially brought it up and waslike hey, what was going on
there?
You know, like she had somequestions and I was so glad she
(05:31):
did.
My initial reaction on theinside was feeling a little bit
defensive by what she was asking, but I knew that the more
important thing was that she wascoming to me, that she is
talking about what's going oninside of her and that is
awesome.
(05:51):
Our entire lives we want to notharbor things inside and let
them boil over and seep out inother ways.
We want to work through things.
Everybody in life needs someonethat they can come to, that
they can work through their lifestuff with, and we are to be
(06:14):
the one for these kids.
You know, as they get older, wewant to teach them how to do
that in a healthy friend, ahealthy mentor, teaching them
accountability and pickingsomeone who is going to spur
them on to good deeds andchallenge them to growth, not
(06:34):
make them feel good and howeverthey're already being.
That's not the goal thereeither.
But I just want to point out donot automatically jump on your
kid for tattling.
Just teach them a better way.
They tattle because they careabout justice, and justice does
matter.
(06:54):
If we do not provide justicefor our kids, you know, in this
situation where the one keepspestering the other, if we don't
ever do something about it, theone who's being pestered pretty
soon is going to learn to dothat too, because their way of
peace and communication andgoing to the person who's
(07:16):
capable of creating justice.
If that doesn't work, then theyare going to find alternative
measures and that is usuallyjust to become a bully also, and
I've seen that happen in manyfamilies where the oldest one
begins to bully and it justtrickles down throughout the
(07:37):
kids.
So please take this seriouslyand get a handle on it as soon
as you can.
Don't look away from badbehavior and ignore it, because
it's going to rub off on thoseother kids and it's also being
harbored in the heart of the onewho is offending.
When we offend someone else, itcreates all of this negative
(08:01):
stuff inside of us because wewere not designed to be that way
, to be destructive to otherpeople.
We were not designed for that,and so it creates all this
dissonance inside of us when wedo that and we want to help our
kiddos clean out that dissonancewe want to help them to learn
to reflect on what they've done,learn to repent about what
(08:25):
they've done, learn to regret.
You know people want to sayshame is bad, and it is.
Shame isn't healthy, but someamount of regret is very healthy
, and I mentioned that othertimes with you guys but teach
them to reflect on what happened, regret, refine, you know,
(08:46):
let's identify what can help usdo things differently next time.
And then the final step isrestore.
How do we go back and mend withthe person we've offended?
If you would like to learn moreabout those five steps, the
five Rs, go back and listen toepisodes 68 and 69.
I actually address this most ofthe time from the angle of the
(09:08):
mistaking parents.
When we parents make a mistake,what should we do?
We should reflect, we shouldregret, we should repent, we
should refine, we should restore, we should do all of those
things.
But we also need to be teachingthese same strategies to our
kids, because that's what we'redesigned to do.
God did put in us a naturalsystem for handling our mistakes
(09:32):
, and when we handle them well,the amazing thing is that that
relationship can be bonded moreafter the incident than before
if we mistake well.
So let's teach our kids to dothat too.
Okay, now let's back up.
Just let's focus on the childwho is doing the pestering, the
(09:55):
irritating, the manipulating,the trying to get under the skin
of the other sibling.
What do we do about this?
Well, it's really importantalways and you're going to feel
like I'm a broken record on thisbut we've got to get to the
root.
What is the root cause of this?
And often there's more than oneroute.
(10:16):
There is more than one reasonwhy they're doing this.
Let's see if we can identifysome of those.
Now.
The four main routes thatthings usually stem from are
physical, spiritual, mental orsocial.
One or more of those four areasis where we're going to tend to
find the problem in our kids,whatever the issue is, not just
(10:39):
when it comes to pestering andirritating others, but any kind
of issue.
We get to the root by lookingat those four areas.
So is there something physicalgoing on with this child?
Are they feeling irritatedinside?
So they're just spreading theirirritation?
Are they feeling tired, thirsty, hungry, hot, cold?
(11:00):
They don't feel well.
They've been cooped up for toolong.
They need to burn some energy.
They're dealing with somethingfrustrating, like they've worked
on these math problems a wholebunch of times and it's just
getting so frustrating becausethey can't understand it or they
keep missing it, or it's justreally hard for them, and so
they're building up all thisaggression inside and they need
(11:22):
to get it out.
We need to help them identifywhat physical issue it is and
then help them find a new way tohandle it.
Let's solve the physical issueIf it's.
Let's say they are gettingfrustrated about math, well, you
know, can they run in place for10 seconds?
Can they do 20 jumping jacks?
(11:43):
Can they run around theperimeter of the house and come
back?
You know, can we get someenergy out that way?
Is there a bouncing ball theycan sit on like an exercise ball
or maybe one of those smalltrampolines?
So one thing that I did withthis was especially important
for the boys, but somewhat forthe girls as well, and maybe I
(12:04):
mentioned this before, I don'tknow, but I just took a little
jar and I took popsicle sticksand wrote different physical
activities on the popsiclesticks and I put it in the jar
and they would draw one out andthat's the activity that they
would do.
And this was either betweeneach subject of school because I
home school or it was every somany minutes.
(12:26):
Some kids need a physical breakevery 15 minutes.
They need a physical use, someenergy time every 15 minutes.
This keeps them at optimumattitude and optimum learning as
well when they get these breaks.
So helping to figure out whatamount of time does my child
(12:48):
need before they have anotherphysical break?
So just filling up that jar andthroughout the day you want
your kiddo to do all thepopsicle sticks in the jar,
perhaps, you know, maybe that isthe goal or that's a little way
for them to see a goal for themto see, hey, I'm getting this
accomplished.
So maybe they didn't feelsuccess at math but they can
(13:11):
feel success that they just gotthat popsicle stick done.
So those would be some physicalthings.
Now the next one I want to talkabout is mental, which you know.
Mental.
It really had a lot to do withthe math thing that I just said.
But let's look at another angleof mental that also overlaps
with physical and that is theneuro pathways that our brain
(13:35):
has created.
Every time we do something, weare creating some neuro pathways
in our brain about that motion.
So if our kids are used totaking their aggression feelings
and taking it out on a sibling,they've got some neuro pathways
going on there.
They are forming habits aboutthat.
(13:55):
The more times they do it, thedeeper those pathways are
meaning, the harder it's goingto be to make the change.
So you're going to have to tellthem now, as soon as you start
feeling irritated.
Next time you come to me andI'm going to help you through it
.
Maybe they need their backrubbed, maybe they're back
scratched.
You know what helps them tocalm down.
(14:16):
You know I already told youthat one of the best things for
aggravation is to just getphysical energy out.
But maybe they need some waysto learn how to calm themselves
down.
So you help them calm down andthen you help them learn how to
calm down and ask them where inyour body are you feeling the
(14:37):
irritation?
You know, and then help themcalm that part of their body
down.
Is it in their feet?
Is it in their hands?
How do they tend to pester?
Do they tend to pester bystomping on somebody's foot or
kicking somebody's stuff, or byhitting or by biting?
Like, where is the aggressionin their body?
(14:59):
And let's help them get a newnarrow pathway.
The other aspect of this and Imentioned it I'll come back to
what I was going to say in asecond because I want to keep
going through these four mainroutes.
So is it a social route?
Like, do they feel a lack ofjustice for themselves?
And so they're creating asituation where someone else is
(15:23):
experiencing a lack of justiceor has someone mistreated them
in some way?
Are they?
Do?
They have some wrong selfperceptions, paradigms of
themselves, causing them to actout in negative ways because
they've got negative labels onthemselves?
And then, spiritually, thisthis one is big like, even if
(15:45):
it's not a spiritual root causeinitially for their bad behavior
.
If we don't help them work thisstuff out of their heart, then
it starts being harbored intheir heart and they do start
behaving out of a heart that is,I mean you could say, has sin
(16:06):
in it.
Sin is a decision to go againstGod's ways, and God's ways are
goodness and love and joy andpeace and patience and kindness
and gentleness and self control.
These are God's ways and whenwe intentionally choose to go
against them, that is an act ofsin which creates separation
(16:31):
between us and God.
We feel the separation.
I want to deal with this, butlet's keep going with the
spiritual aspect of it.
When we repent to God and sayGod, clean out of my heart this
aspect of me where I want toirritate or hurt someone please
take this from me.
Well, when we have chosen tolive a life for God, when we see
(16:55):
him as our creator and redeemerand we want Christ to be the
Lord of our life.
When we just make that instantdecision, we immediately have
the Holy Spirit living inside ofus, and the Holy Spirit builds
fruit in us, and that is.
The fruit of the Spirit is whatI just mentioned love, joy,
(17:15):
peace, patience, kindness,goodness, gentleness,
faithfulness, self control, thisfruit of the Spirit growing us
by the Spirit's help.
And so, with our kids, let'shelp them to get in the habit of
enlisting God's help, sayingGod, I give you permission to
remove this from me and to growin me instead.
(17:36):
The good fruit that blessesothers and blesses myself and
blesses you, blesses yourkingdom.
So, learning to equip our kidswith what they need to
spiritually succeed as well.
So we have a prayer that we havebeen praying lately to help us
with this.
This is from St Francis of a CC.
(17:58):
If you've heard of him.
He has multiple famous prayers,but I love this one because
this one really points out theopposites that when someone is
feeling a lack of peace, we wantto give them peace.
When they are feeling doubt, wewant to give them faith.
When they're feeling despair,we want to give them hope when
they are in darkness.
(18:19):
We want to give them light whenthey are experiencing sadness.
We want to bring them joy.
We don't want it to just beabout us, so we want to seek
more to understand what theyneed than to just be about
ourselves.
So here's the prayer, and, okay, this is what we've been
praying every morning lately, bythe way.
(18:40):
Lord, make me an instrument ofyour peace where there is hatred
.
Let me so love.
So teach your kids about sowingseeds of love, of goodness, of
gentleness, of patience, so thisand one another.
You know, maybe you're notgetting that from the other
person Well, let's give them soseeds in them of love and
(19:03):
goodness, by giving them what wewant them to give to us.
In fact, this does remind methe one who's being pestered all
the time.
Help them experience justice,but then also talk to them about
.
Pray for your sibling, whokeeps doing this to you.
Pray for their heart, pray fora change to come in them.
(19:25):
And then, even though they'remistreating you yes, come to
talk to me about it.
Tell them.
Mom says, when you mistreat me,we are to go together and talk
to her.
So I'm telling you now I'mgoing to talk to mom Are you
coming with me so you don't dothat step?
Yes, but then also child whokeeps being pestered by your
(19:45):
brother or sister.
You pray for them and you alsosow seeds of the opposite in
them.
So if they're pestering you,you love them, you do for them.
So we're not going to pay backpeople based on how they treat
us.
We're going to treat them good,no matter what, but we are
going to go get help fromsomebody who can do something
(20:07):
about it.
We're going to go to safety andwe're going to go towards
justice, but we're also going todo good anyway and we're going
to pray for them, okay, sothat's that's what I wanted to
add about that other kiddo thatis being pestered.
We want to be sure that they donot follow suit with their
(20:28):
sibling and begin to also be onewho intentionally irritates or
pesters or bullies.
Instead, we want them to becomeinstruments of peace, and so
that's what this prayer is about.
So let me get back to the prayer.
Lord, make me an instrument ofyour peace.
Where there is hatred, let meso love.
Where there is injury, let meso pardon.
(20:52):
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, lightwhere there is sadness, joy.
Grant that I might not so muchseek to be consoled as to
console, to be understood as tounderstand, to be loved as to
(21:12):
love, for it is in giving thatwe receive.
It is in pardoning that we arepardoned.
It is in dying that we are bornto eternal life.
So what does that mean therefor about the dying?
Well, for us it means settingaside our self enough to care
for another person.
That doesn't mean that weparticipate in mistreating
(21:35):
ourselves.
As I've said multiple times inthis episode, go towards safety
and go towards justice, but alsogo towards sowing the right
seeds and other people andpraying for them.
So we do good and we sow goodinto them while we pursue safety
(21:57):
and justice.
Okay, I want to wrap up with oneother thing Now.
We've been praying that prayerI just told you by St Francis of
CC for several weeks now.
But for many years I have usedPsalm 1914 as a way to end our
mourning prayers, and that verseis may the words of my mouth
(22:19):
and the thoughts of my heart bepleasing in your sight, oh Lord,
my rock and my redeemer.
And so when I pray that withthe kids, I just switch it to us
instead of me.
So I say may the words of ourmouths and the meditation of our
hearts be acceptable in yoursight, oh Lord, our rock and our
redeemer.
And so ending the mourningprayer time with that, I hope
(22:42):
that that is helpful as youcontinue to be intentional
sources of strength and growthfor your children and your
family.
Hey, by the way, next time yousee a post sharing one of my
podcast episodes, could you likeit?
That helps a lot more peoplesee it and the more who see it,
(23:04):
the more who hear it.
And I do this podcast whospread some encouragement and to
equip some moms in their worthyjourney of motherhood.
Now, if you wanna really helpthat post, go far, like it and
comment.
I am so very thankful for themamas who do comment on those
posts where I'm sharing thatweek's podcast, because it
(23:26):
really helps extend theviewership.
How many people see that post.
So thanks a bunch to all of youlisteners who do that.
If you are on Instagram and yousee one of my posts, if you
could give it a heart, thatwould be super awesome.
Or one of my stories.
I usually share my podcast forthe week on my stories once in a
(23:48):
while post as well.
Okay, love y'all.
See you next time right here onthe Practically Speaking Mom
Podcast, the place forintentional moms to build strong
families.
THIS TRANSCRIPT WAS CREATED AUTOMATICALLY AND
WAS NOT EDITED FOR ACCURACY.
If you have multiple childrenat your house, you probably have
experienced one siblingintentionally irritating another
sibling, maybe pestering them,causing them unhappiness on
purpose, possibly even bullying.
What do we do about this?
We're going to talk about ittoday, right here on the
Practically Speaking Mom Podcast.
(00:25):
It's the place for intentionalmoms to build a strong family.
I'm Val Harrison, your momfriend for the journey.
Let's go.
You're listening to thePractically Speaking Mom Podcast
.
I'm Val Harrison, mom to seven.
Five of them are grown and twoare still at home.
I'm also a mother-in-law and agrandma too.
(00:46):
God has given me a passion forencouraging and equipping moms
in this worthy journey ofmotherhood.
For the past 20 years, atparenting events and moms groups
, I've been privileged to meetmany moms who are doing their
best to be intentional in lovingtheir kids, preparing them for
life and loving the Lord too.
It's my honor to bring youtools for the journey every week
(01:09):
.
You can find lots moreresources on my website
PracticallySpeakingMomcom.
Intentional moms.
Let's get started with buildingstronger families right now.
Well, I first want toacknowledge how hard this type
of problem is to solve for usparents, because it usually
(01:30):
happens when we're not in theroom or when we're not looking.
In fact, this is the child thatknows you're not there or waits
until you're not looking beforethey act against a sibling,
causing irritation, pestering,maybe even trying to get under
their skin enough to get them togo tell on them so that mom
(01:51):
will say, now don't be atattletale.
Or just causing the opposite ofpeace, causing stress, causing
chaos.
What is going on with thischild that is doing that?
Before we jump into what we doabout the pestering child, I
want to talk for a moment aboutthe one that is being pestered.
(02:12):
Your brother picks on sisterand she screams and you come in
and you say what is going on andwe don't know.
Is it really that sister ismanipulating the situation and
wants to make it seem likebrother was the one causing the
problem, because she's the onecomplaining.
So those things can be sotricky.
(02:34):
Let's start by saying that whenthings are tricky like that, it
means that you're going to haveto be in the room more, you're
going to have to be extraobservant until we get to the
bottom of who's doing what andwhat motives are going on.
It also is very important whenthere's these situations where
(02:56):
you don't really know who's toblame and you don't know what
the motives are, that when youdo find them in a situation
where it is obvious at thosemoments you got to take big
action, then you know, takeadvantage of the times when you
do know so that hopefully youcan make an impact.
Then that will affect theseother times where you don't know
(03:19):
.
So I just wanted to throw thosetwo things in there real quick.
First, but let's look at thechild who keeps being pestered
or being bullied.
You know they are in asituation where they there's no
solution for them.
They're a kid.
They are often smaller than theone who's doing the pestering.
(03:43):
They have no way of overcomingthis situation except through
mom or dad.
So when they come and talk toyou, it's so important that you
not just scold them for tattling.
Yes, we don't want to create anenvironment where tattling
happens, because when they docome and talk to you like that,
(04:04):
you're still just getting oneside of the story.
They're not really getting theinformation.
So when a child comes to me andstarts wanting to tell their
side, then I remind them you arerequired to bring your sibling.
Did you tell your sibling thatthey're required to come with
you, that you're going to talkto mom and then they'll say yes
or no.
If they say yes, I did tellthem and they chose not to come.
(04:26):
Well, I'm going to confirm that, but then I'm going to listen
to the testimony of the one whocame because the other one chose
to not be there for it.
Now, if they did forget, theyneed to go back and tell the
other one come on, we need to gotalk to mom and then we get to
hear both testimonies.
(04:47):
So that's the first step.
That's really important whenyou're getting to the bottom of
the situations where you weren'tpresent and I know that can't
work all the time because somekids aren't old enough to talk
about their thoughts and all ofthat kind of thing but you
really do want to instill inthem that when they want to come
talk to you about somethingwhich it's great that they do
(05:10):
don't discourage your kidscoming and talking to you.
Just yesterday my freshman shereluctantly brought up something
.
She overheard a conversationbetween rich and I and she she
officially brought it up and waslike hey, what was going on
there?
You know, like she had somequestions and I was so glad she
(05:31):
did.
My initial reaction on theinside was feeling a little bit
defensive by what she was asking, but I knew that the more
important thing was that she wascoming to me, that she is
talking about what's going oninside of her and that is
awesome.
(05:51):
Our entire lives we want to notharbor things inside and let
them boil over and seep out inother ways.
We want to work through things.
Everybody in life needs someonethat they can come to, that
they can work through their lifestuff with, and we are to be
(06:14):
the one for these kids.
You know, as they get older, wewant to teach them how to do
that in a healthy friend, ahealthy mentor, teaching them
accountability and pickingsomeone who is going to spur
them on to good deeds andchallenge them to growth, not
(06:34):
make them feel good and howeverthey're already being.
That's not the goal thereeither.
But I just want to point out donot automatically jump on your
kid for tattling.
Just teach them a better way.
They tattle because they careabout justice, and justice does
matter.
(06:54):
If we do not provide justicefor our kids, you know, in this
situation where the one keepspestering the other, if we don't
ever do something about it, theone who's being pestered pretty
soon is going to learn to dothat too, because their way of
peace and communication andgoing to the person who's
(07:16):
capable of creating justice.
If that doesn't work, then theyare going to find alternative
measures and that is usuallyjust to become a bully also, and
I've seen that happen in manyfamilies where the oldest one
begins to bully and it justtrickles down throughout the
(07:37):
kids.
So please take this seriouslyand get a handle on it as soon
as you can.
Don't look away from badbehavior and ignore it, because
it's going to rub off on thoseother kids and it's also being
harbored in the heart of the onewho is offending.
When we offend someone else, itcreates all of this negative
(08:01):
stuff inside of us because wewere not designed to be that way
, to be destructive to otherpeople.
We were not designed for that,and so it creates all this
dissonance inside of us when wedo that and we want to help our
kiddos clean out that dissonancewe want to help them to learn
to reflect on what they've done,learn to repent about what
(08:25):
they've done, learn to regret.
You know people want to sayshame is bad, and it is.
Shame isn't healthy, but someamount of regret is very healthy
, and I mentioned that othertimes with you guys but teach
them to reflect on what happened, regret, refine, you know,
(08:46):
let's identify what can help usdo things differently next time.
And then the final step isrestore.
How do we go back and mend withthe person we've offended?
If you would like to learn moreabout those five steps, the
five Rs, go back and listen toepisodes 68 and 69.
I actually address this most ofthe time from the angle of the
(09:08):
mistaking parents.
When we parents make a mistake,what should we do?
We should reflect, we shouldregret, we should repent, we
should refine, we should restore, we should do all of those
things.
But we also need to be teachingthese same strategies to our
kids, because that's what we'redesigned to do.
God did put in us a naturalsystem for handling our mistakes
(09:32):
, and when we handle them well,the amazing thing is that that
relationship can be bonded moreafter the incident than before
if we mistake well.
So let's teach our kids to dothat too.
Okay, now let's back up.
Just let's focus on the childwho is doing the pestering, the
(09:55):
irritating, the manipulating,the trying to get under the skin
of the other sibling.
What do we do about this?
Well, it's really importantalways and you're going to feel
like I'm a broken record on thisbut we've got to get to the
root.
What is the root cause of this?
And often there's more than oneroute.
(10:16):
There is more than one reasonwhy they're doing this.
Let's see if we can identifysome of those.
Now.
The four main routes thatthings usually stem from are
physical, spiritual, mental orsocial.
One or more of those four areasis where we're going to tend to
find the problem in our kids,whatever the issue is, not just
(10:39):
when it comes to pestering andirritating others, but any kind
of issue.
We get to the root by lookingat those four areas.
So is there something physicalgoing on with this child?
Are they feeling irritatedinside?
So they're just spreading theirirritation?
Are they feeling tired, thirsty, hungry, hot, cold?
(11:00):
They don't feel well.
They've been cooped up for toolong.
They need to burn some energy.
They're dealing with somethingfrustrating, like they've worked
on these math problems a wholebunch of times and it's just
getting so frustrating becausethey can't understand it or they
keep missing it, or it's justreally hard for them, and so
they're building up all thisaggression inside and they need
(11:22):
to get it out.
We need to help them identifywhat physical issue it is and
then help them find a new way tohandle it.
Let's solve the physical issueIf it's.
Let's say they are gettingfrustrated about math, well, you
know, can they run in place for10 seconds?
Can they do 20 jumping jacks?
(11:43):
Can they run around theperimeter of the house and come
back?
You know, can we get someenergy out that way?
Is there a bouncing ball theycan sit on like an exercise ball
or maybe one of those smalltrampolines?
So one thing that I did withthis was especially important
for the boys, but somewhat forthe girls as well, and maybe I
(12:04):
mentioned this before, I don'tknow, but I just took a little
jar and I took popsicle sticksand wrote different physical
activities on the popsiclesticks and I put it in the jar
and they would draw one out andthat's the activity that they
would do.
And this was either betweeneach subject of school because I
home school or it was every somany minutes.
(12:26):
Some kids need a physical breakevery 15 minutes.
They need a physical use, someenergy time every 15 minutes.
This keeps them at optimumattitude and optimum learning as
well when they get these breaks.
So helping to figure out whatamount of time does my child
(12:48):
need before they have anotherphysical break?
So just filling up that jar andthroughout the day you want
your kiddo to do all thepopsicle sticks in the jar,
perhaps, you know, maybe that isthe goal or that's a little way
for them to see a goal for themto see, hey, I'm getting this
accomplished.
So maybe they didn't feelsuccess at math but they can
(13:11):
feel success that they just gotthat popsicle stick done.
So those would be some physicalthings.
Now the next one I want to talkabout is mental, which you know.
Mental.
It really had a lot to do withthe math thing that I just said.
But let's look at another angleof mental that also overlaps
with physical and that is theneuro pathways that our brain
(13:35):
has created.
Every time we do something, weare creating some neuro pathways
in our brain about that motion.
So if our kids are used totaking their aggression feelings
and taking it out on a sibling,they've got some neuro pathways
going on there.
They are forming habits aboutthat.
(13:55):
The more times they do it, thedeeper those pathways are
meaning, the harder it's goingto be to make the change.
So you're going to have to tellthem now, as soon as you start
feeling irritated.
Next time you come to me andI'm going to help you through it
.
Maybe they need their backrubbed, maybe they're back
scratched.
You know what helps them tocalm down.
(14:16):
You know I already told youthat one of the best things for
aggravation is to just getphysical energy out.
But maybe they need some waysto learn how to calm themselves
down.
So you help them calm down andthen you help them learn how to
calm down and ask them where inyour body are you feeling the
(14:37):
irritation?
You know, and then help themcalm that part of their body
down.
Is it in their feet?
Is it in their hands?
How do they tend to pester?
Do they tend to pester bystomping on somebody's foot or
kicking somebody's stuff, or byhitting or by biting?
Like, where is the aggressionin their body?
(14:59):
And let's help them get a newnarrow pathway.
The other aspect of this and Imentioned it I'll come back to
what I was going to say in asecond because I want to keep
going through these four mainroutes.
So is it a social route?
Like, do they feel a lack ofjustice for themselves?
And so they're creating asituation where someone else is
(15:23):
experiencing a lack of justiceor has someone mistreated them
in some way?
Are they?
Do?
They have some wrong selfperceptions, paradigms of
themselves, causing them to actout in negative ways because
they've got negative labels onthemselves?
And then, spiritually, thisthis one is big like, even if
(15:45):
it's not a spiritual root causeinitially for their bad behavior
.
If we don't help them work thisstuff out of their heart, then
it starts being harbored intheir heart and they do start
behaving out of a heart that is,I mean you could say, has sin
(16:06):
in it.
Sin is a decision to go againstGod's ways, and God's ways are
goodness and love and joy andpeace and patience and kindness
and gentleness and self control.
These are God's ways and whenwe intentionally choose to go
against them, that is an act ofsin which creates separation
(16:31):
between us and God.
We feel the separation.
I want to deal with this, butlet's keep going with the
spiritual aspect of it.
When we repent to God and sayGod, clean out of my heart this
aspect of me where I want toirritate or hurt someone please
take this from me.
Well, when we have chosen tolive a life for God, when we see
(16:55):
him as our creator and redeemerand we want Christ to be the
Lord of our life.
When we just make that instantdecision, we immediately have
the Holy Spirit living inside ofus, and the Holy Spirit builds
fruit in us, and that is.
The fruit of the Spirit is whatI just mentioned love, joy,
(17:15):
peace, patience, kindness,goodness, gentleness,
faithfulness, self control, thisfruit of the Spirit growing us
by the Spirit's help.
And so, with our kids, let'shelp them to get in the habit of
enlisting God's help, sayingGod, I give you permission to
remove this from me and to growin me instead.
(17:36):
The good fruit that blessesothers and blesses myself and
blesses you, blesses yourkingdom.
So, learning to equip our kidswith what they need to
spiritually succeed as well.
So we have a prayer that we havebeen praying lately to help us
with this.
This is from St Francis of a CC.
(17:58):
If you've heard of him.
He has multiple famous prayers,but I love this one because
this one really points out theopposites that when someone is
feeling a lack of peace, we wantto give them peace.
When they are feeling doubt, wewant to give them faith.
When they're feeling despair,we want to give them hope when
they are in darkness.
(18:19):
We want to give them light whenthey are experiencing sadness.
We want to bring them joy.
We don't want it to just beabout us, so we want to seek
more to understand what theyneed than to just be about
ourselves.
So here's the prayer, and, okay, this is what we've been
praying every morning lately, bythe way.
(18:40):
Lord, make me an instrument ofyour peace where there is hatred
.
Let me so love.
So teach your kids about sowingseeds of love, of goodness, of
gentleness, of patience, so thisand one another.
You know, maybe you're notgetting that from the other
person Well, let's give them soseeds in them of love and
(19:03):
goodness, by giving them what wewant them to give to us.
In fact, this does remind methe one who's being pestered all
the time.
Help them experience justice,but then also talk to them about
.
Pray for your sibling, whokeeps doing this to you.
Pray for their heart, pray fora change to come in them.
(19:25):
And then, even though they'remistreating you yes, come to
talk to me about it.
Tell them.
Mom says, when you mistreat me,we are to go together and talk
to her.
So I'm telling you now I'mgoing to talk to mom Are you
coming with me so you don't dothat step?
Yes, but then also child whokeeps being pestered by your
(19:45):
brother or sister.
You pray for them and you alsosow seeds of the opposite in
them.
So if they're pestering you,you love them, you do for them.
So we're not going to pay backpeople based on how they treat
us.
We're going to treat them good,no matter what, but we are
going to go get help fromsomebody who can do something
(20:07):
about it.
We're going to go to safety andwe're going to go towards
justice, but we're also going todo good anyway and we're going
to pray for them, okay, sothat's that's what I wanted to
add about that other kiddo thatis being pestered.
We want to be sure that they donot follow suit with their
(20:28):
sibling and begin to also be onewho intentionally irritates or
pesters or bullies.
Instead, we want them to becomeinstruments of peace, and so
that's what this prayer is about.
So let me get back to the prayer.
Lord, make me an instrument ofyour peace.
Where there is hatred, let meso love.
Where there is injury, let meso pardon.
(20:52):
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, lightwhere there is sadness, joy.
Grant that I might not so muchseek to be consoled as to
console, to be understood as tounderstand, to be loved as to
(21:12):
love, for it is in giving thatwe receive.
It is in pardoning that we arepardoned.
It is in dying that we are bornto eternal life.
So what does that mean therefor about the dying?
Well, for us it means settingaside our self enough to care
for another person.
That doesn't mean that weparticipate in mistreating
(21:35):
ourselves.
As I've said multiple times inthis episode, go towards safety
and go towards justice, but alsogo towards sowing the right
seeds and other people andpraying for them.
So we do good and we sow goodinto them while we pursue safety
(21:57):
and justice.
Okay, I want to wrap up with oneother thing Now.
We've been praying that prayerI just told you by St Francis of
CC for several weeks now.
But for many years I have usedPsalm 1914 as a way to end our
mourning prayers, and that verseis may the words of my mouth
(22:19):
and the thoughts of my heart bepleasing in your sight, oh Lord,
my rock and my redeemer.
And so when I pray that withthe kids, I just switch it to us
instead of me.
So I say may the words of ourmouths and the meditation of our
hearts be acceptable in yoursight, oh Lord, our rock and our
redeemer.
And so ending the mourningprayer time with that, I hope
(22:42):
that that is helpful as youcontinue to be intentional
sources of strength and growthfor your children and your
family.
Hey, by the way, next time yousee a post sharing one of my
podcast episodes, could you likeit?
That helps a lot more peoplesee it and the more who see it,
(23:04):
the more who hear it.
And I do this podcast whospread some encouragement and to
equip some moms in their worthyjourney of motherhood.
Now, if you wanna really helpthat post, go far, like it and
comment.
I am so very thankful for themamas who do comment on those
posts where I'm sharing thatweek's podcast, because it
(23:26):
really helps extend theviewership.
How many people see that post.
So thanks a bunch to all of youlisteners who do that.
If you are on Instagram and yousee one of my posts, if you
could give it a heart, thatwould be super awesome.
Or one of my stories.
I usually share my podcast forthe week on my stories once in a
(23:48):
while post as well.
Okay, love y'all.
See you next time right here onthe Practically Speaking Mom
Podcast, the place forintentional moms to build strong
families.
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