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Val Harrison (00:04):
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Welcome back to the podcast.
This is Val Harrison, thePractically Speaking Mom, and
your friend for this journey ofmotherhood.
Now, last week in episode 208,we talked about how to help the
intentionally pestering childand how to help the tattletale.
I want to add two more tips foryou mamas who are dealing with
(00:25):
those issues.
Then we will also talk aboutconnection and we'll wrap up
today with some holidayheadspace help.
So let's get going with moreintentional right now.
Last week we looked at the childwho is intentionally irritating
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or intentionally pesteringusually their sibling and we
also looked at the child who isthe tattletale.
Let's dig into just one moreaspect of both of those.
Now.
I gave you some possiblereasons why the child keeps
pestering and I told you thatyou want to be getting to the
(01:07):
bottom of it so that you canhelp the root cause.
There was one cause that Ididn't bring up that I wish I
would have.
So I'm bringing it up today,which it's kind of cool.
God works this way.
You know he weaves together ourlives when we don't even know
he's weaving or that we needthat aspect of our life weaved.
But I left off two things Iwish I wouldn't have last week,
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one about pestering, one abouttattletales, and both of them
have to do with the theme thathe wanted me to talk about today
.
So that's so cool, god isawesome.
One more reason why they mightbe pestering is for connection.
They may be wanting to connectwith that sibling and don't know
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how.
This would be common,especially if, like they're, the
younger sibling who's pesteringthe older sibling.
They don't know how to expressI want to connect with you.
They don't even necessarilyrealize themselves that that's
what they want, but that isdefinitely a common reason why
they pester.
(02:12):
So, helping both of themidentify this issue that's going
on and by both of them I meanthe one being pestered and the
one pestering help that pester.
See, hey, when you want toconnect with someone, here's
some appropriate ways to do that, and then you know, tell them
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some different ways.
And then, with the one who isbeing pestered, when you've
identified I think it's that thepester wants some of your time,
then here's what I would reallyrecommend, especially this is
the case if the younger one isthe pester, something that I did
with my kids growing up.
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You know I'm a mom of seven.
Of course, they were always allat different ages and stages
from each other, and so I helpedthem get in the mindset of fill
the love bucket of the one whois younger than you first, and
then do your thing.
This is something I practicedas well.
I would try to fill the lovebucket of the youngest one,
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which gave me some time to helpthe next one, which gave me some
time to help the next one,because you see, a full love
bucket, or one who has receivedsome quality interaction on
their level, some mental andsocial stimulation connecting
between the two of you, theyhave less of a need then for
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that connection and they stoppestering.
That's, of course, not alwayswhy someone is pestering, but
that is a common reason why.
So help that one who is beingpestered, help them have a list
of things that they could dowith that other one, with the
one who is pestering, beforethat ever starts.
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Now, I'm not suggesting do thatwhen they start pestering.
Well, you have to kind of betricky about this, because you
see, you don't want to rewardbad behavior, so if they are
treating someone wrong, theyshouldn't get rewarded with it.
However, when you identify thatthey have this need for
connection, you don't want towithhold it either.
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So what you've got to do ishave this little space and time
in there where you teach them abetter way, and because they
practice that better way, thenthey get that connection time.
So don't just immediately jumpinto connecting when they start
pestering.
Instead, have them practice.
Okay, say I would love sometime with you.
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Would you have time to read abook with me, or is there a time
today that you could playoutside with me?
You know, teach them someappropriate ways to interact, to
express that need, and don'tjust you talk about it.
You actually have them say it,have them practice it.
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Then reward that.
So provide that connectionafter they've given that little
moment of practicing.
So now I want to add another tipfor you, for the tattletale,
and I want to start first bysaying please don't call your
child a tattletale or a pesturer.
Labels matter.
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I only am using these termsbecause, without any further
explanation, you know thenimmediately what I'm talking
about.
But I do not ever refer to mychild as a tattletale.
I don't ever refer to them as apesturer, because labels matter
and we are helping them knowwho they are not, who they are
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not.
You know, yesterday my daughterwas not handling an aspect of
her school very well attitudewise and I was like how you are
being right now, that's not whoyou are.
You are resilient and smart andcapable and positive and joy
filled.
You find solutions when youhave problems how you're
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behaving right now.
You are someone so greater thanthat.
So let's find better ways todeal with how you're feeling
right now than the way you'rebehaving.
You see, I'm trying to pull mykids away from those negative
behaviors.
Not saying you are that thatkeeps them connected to that
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negative behavior.
So that's the first thing Iwant to say is don't call them a
tattletale.
But what I wanted to addspecifically, an additional help
for you regarding thetattletale is I want to explain
an important reason why we don'tallow tattling.
Now.
We do encourage kids to comeand talk to us about any issue
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that they're having, about anyconcern in their life.
Talk to us all day long.
That is awesome.
Bring us your need anytime.
But the reason why I told youguys last week that if they're
in a conflict with their siblingand they need to come and talk
to mom or dad about it, theyneed to tell their sibling.
I am going to talk to mom aboutthis and you're required to
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come.
So that's the reminder to theother sibling.
Hey, mom requires both of us tobe there Now that other sibling
may choose not to come and I'lladdress that with them
separately, but yeah, with thisone who is coming.
The reason why I require thatthey both be there is not just
so that I get both sides of thestory or each of their testimony
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.
That does matter and it makes ahuge difference in us getting
to the bottom of what reallyhappened and why things happened
.
But another key reason why Irequire both to come is because
of connection with their sibling.
I want to preserve thatrelationship and if the one is
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coming and tattling on the otherone and the other one isn't
present to hear the testimony,isn't present to hear me ask
questions and talk about it,more resentment can quickly grow
in that sibling who was apresent, resentment towards me,
resentment towards their sibling, and I want to preserve that
sibling relationship.
(08:22):
So it's very important to methat they're both there for that
.
It's also important because Idon't want them to feel thrown
under the bus by their sibling,misrepresented, taken advantage
of or that their sibling didsomething behind their back.
I'm encouraging a strongsibling connection and if
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there's any of those kinds ofthings that I just mentioned
that can build resentment, thatbuilds walls and those walls
keep their relationshipseparated, and that is the
opposite of what we're wantingfor these kids.
So I just wanted to add thosetwo little elements to last
week's podcast.
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If you didn't get a chance tolisten to it, I hope you will go
back and listen.
But what I want to mention todayis about connection.
The longer I parent my childrenof every age, the more I
realize that we need to anchorall of our parenting tasks in
connection with our kids.
That's one thing I'll betalking about a lot next season
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that there are several importantways that we should be helping
our kids connect.
I want to build my connectionwith them.
So how am I handling parentingtasks in a way that builds
connection or breaks connection?
I want to be very aware that,yes, I need to grow their
stamina, their creativity, theirresilience, their
(09:51):
stick-to-diviveness, theirpositive attitude, they're all
these things.
But I don't want to just dothat through compliance.
I need to be careful, whichsometimes you know.
Obviously, parenting has tohappen through getting a job to
comply, but I do what?
Always be mindful of connection.
So that's one connection.
(10:13):
Another connection that I wantto always be building is their
connection with God.
And then I want to build theirconnection within the family
unit with their siblings.
What are some other connectionswe want our kids to make?
We want them to have aconnection with the body of
Christ.
They are part of the church.
What role are they playing?
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And then also they're part of acommunity.
So how are they participating?
As a citizen, as a neighbor, asa volunteer?
What are they doing for theircommunity on a larger scale, for
the world around us?
You know we're all part of theworld.
What role does God call us toplay in connecting with the
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world?
So the more they understandtheir irreplaceable role in all
of those connections, this helpsthem understand their purpose
and their callings.
So connection is going to beone of the themes that will be
coming next season.
Speaking of that, I will betaking a break for the holidays.
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Thanksgiving is this week andthen Christmas is right around
the corner and I want somefamily time, so I will be taking
a break for the holidays.
I want to finish up by talkingto you about the holidays in
connection.
I want to help you get in theright headspace for the holidays
.
So here's what I want you toknow Don't get caught up in the
(11:40):
busy performance aspect of theseason.
You know we feel this pressureto be at every Christmas party
and to bring the neatestappetizer to the party and to
fix our house up just great andto create a magical Christmas
morning and to make everythingperfect about Christmas time and
(12:02):
to cook all of the food forThanksgiving in an amazing way.
But I want to encourage you tokeep the holidays about
connection, connection,especially between each other,
and helping our kids connectwith God at this special time.
Be intentional this time of year.
Set a time to sit down andbrainstorm about Thanksgiving
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and Christmas.
Ask yourself what traditionsare the most valuable to our
family.
How does that tradition impactus and how much work is it for
me?
Does it keep me from joy?
Does it keep me from connecting?
What focus do you want to havefor the next two months?
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Now?
Consider this from a standpointof how do you want to handle
this holiday season mentally.
How do you want to handle thisholiday season physically?
How do you want to handle thisholiday season socially?
Like both protecting ourselvesfrom too much social and also
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making sure that the importantconnections happen.
And how do I want to handlethis holiday season spiritually?
So get your game plan and keepyour focus there.
I want to share with you somemeaningful ways that you can
help your kids to connect byhelping others, and so I want to
just give you a quick list ofthings you can do, things that
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we've done.
Distance bonding bags.
Those are ones that I stick inthe mail to my grandkids that
live away, and I've got the samebags at my house so we can set
up a time that face time forthem and I to both be working on
it.
At the same time.
You can turn on some Christmasmusic, you can have them working
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on this craft while you readthem a Christmas story or just
talk about some differentaspects of Christmas with them,
and I like to send the snacks inmy distance bonding bags as
well.
And then I want to talk to youabout blessing bags.
These are bags that we've puttogether before that we take
around to people that mean a lotto us.
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Maybe they mean a lot to ourfamily, or maybe we know of
families who need a little bitof love and encouragement this
year.
Maybe they have a soldier thatis away, maybe they've gone
through a hard time, but littleblessing bags, they just have
some Christmas treats in them ora little family activity or a
family game, whatever you wantto include in it that says, hey,
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we're thinking of you, we wantto bless you, we love you.
You could text ahead of timeand say we're going to drop
something off on your frontporch.
And that way, when you textthem ahead like that, that way,
if they want to, they can say,well, oh, ring the doorbell,
come and visit.
Or if it's not a good time,then they can just say, okay,
thank you so much, that'sawesome.
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And then adopt a family oradopt a widow.
So we've done that before.
Where, in fact, I'm going to saywith this?
You know, I've had a fewdifferent people lose their
spouses in the last couple ofyears and we as Americans tend
to say how are you doing when wesee them?
Oh, hi, how are you doing?
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That's such a hard answer togive.
When you have lost a loved onebecause you're doing terrible,
you're also blessed, like yousee God's hand of blessing on
you and he's sustaining you.
But you may still be doingterrible and you can't just say
that everywhere you go and youknow that that's not what that
other person wants to hear, sothen you just end up saying an
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empty, meaningless, fine or okay, or that.
What I'm saying is that I havelearned that's not the best
question to ask someone who'slost someone, so I have started
replacing that with twodifferent questions.
The first question is what is aspecific way I can pray for you
right now?
And the second question is whatis something you don't have
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that, if you had it, it would bea help to you right now?
I recently asked that to awidow, a new widow, a mom of
nine children and she said well,our blender broke, our toaster
broke and our plunger broke.
And I was able literally ittook me 10 minutes of shopping
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online after I was not with heranymore until it was on its way
to her house, instead of sayinghow are you?
And let me know if you needanything, because that question
and that statement just doesn'tget done what you really know
they need.
So instead, switch that up tohow can I pray for you
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specifically right now andwhat's something that, if you
had it, it would help you.
The final way that I want tosay that you guys can bond
together while helping someoneelse is getting a group of
friends together and going to anursing home and Christmas
caroling.
So what we do is we dress inChristmas clothes.
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I like to go to the Dollar Treeand pick up, like some.
There's usually some kind ofChristmas headbands that you can
get.
They have fun stuff on them.
Maybe it's stars that aresticking out or twinkling lights
or whatever.
I've also found at the DollarTree, like necklaces that
twinkle that you can put on atChristmas time, so anyway.
(17:23):
So anyway, we dress festively,we plan the it just takes a few
minutes to come up with a listof carols that we're going to do
and then we take a laundrybasket full of things that we
have collected for them, so itcan be lotion, socks those are
two popular things some wrappedcandy.
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Ask the nursing home if you'reallowed to give the candy boxes
of Kleenex, just things likethat that helps them, and also
including some Christmas cards.
Now you can go to the nursinghome and not take the laundry
basket and you don't have tosound good when you're seeing
the people are just thankful tosee those kiddos there, to be
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able to interact with them.
Okay, well, those are some waysto bond together while also
helping others.
And now I'm signing off untilour season five begins, while
I'm gone on this Christmas break.
I hope that you will go back tothe very beginning and start
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there, listening to formerepisodes, because, man, that
first season had so manybuilding blocks for how to
parent, and then later seasonshad so much on how to build
relationship between family andbuild dynamics and strengthen
your marriage, and there's somany aspects to this parenting
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journey, and sometimes we needto hear things more than once
before we actually startimplementing them in our lives.
So I do hope you'll go back andlisten.
This is the perfect opportunityfor you to do that.
I'm praying for you, mom.
No matter what season ofmotherhood you're in, god has a
purpose for your steps and he'swalking right beside you.
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When you weep, he weeps withyou, and when you're anxious, he
wants to be your comfort andyour peace.
And then, when your journeybegins to reveal the redemption
and victory that he was workingon for you all along, god is
going to be rejoicing with youon that day too.
It's been an honor to spendtime with you today If this
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podcast has been a blessing.
Share it with a friend, leave areview and head over to
practically speaking momcom.
Join me on Instagram, apractically speaking mom, and in
my Facebook group, intentionalmom, strong family, and I will
see you here in season five aswe together build strong
families.
Love ya.