July 29, 2024 • 57 mins
Host Michi J interviews Pastor Mark Collins on the 'Prisoner's Pardon Podcast, exploring themes of men's identity and purpose. The episode focuses on Mark's book 'Life Mastery: Living by Design and Not by Default,' and emphasizes the influence of personal experiences and emotions on one's life. Key topics include overcoming imposter syndrome, handling emotions, maintaining healthy relationships, and using practical coaching techniques to help men, particularly ex-inmates, find their true purpose. The discussion highlights the importance of aligning thoughts and beliefs with God's intentions for true freedom and life mastery.
Introduction to the 'Prisoner's Pardon' Podcast
Discovering Your Divine Identity with Pastor Mark Collins...
Meet Pastor Mark Collins: A Journey to Self-Discovery
00:09 Meet Pastor Mark Collins: A Journey to Self-Discovery...
The Power of Personal Identity and Mastering Thoughts
00:21 The Power of Personal Identity and Mastering Thoughts...
Overcoming Imposter Syndrome and Emotional Challenges
00:33 Overcoming Imposter Syndrome and Emotional Challenges...
Coaching Techniques for True Purpose and Freedom
00:41 Coaching Techniques for True Purpose and Freedom...
The Importance of Divine Identity for Life Mastery
00:54 The Importance of Divine Identity for Life Mastery...
Guest Contact Info:
Website: https://courses.freedom-for-life.net/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/FreedForLife/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/_freedomforlife_/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCw1A7tteCrpLj_d9ejzDWRg
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Mark Collins Draft 5 - 7:29:24, 12:
your emotions are driven by your (00:00):
undefined
(00:02):
identity I get into a Issue at worksomebody's getting on my nerves and
then you have this response of anger
That's because there's something inthere that's telling you that, this guy's
disrespecting me he's putting me down.
But here's the interesting thing.
The more I understand who I am theless I allow other people to tell me
who I am You can tell me I'm an idiot.
You can tell me I'm a fool You cantell me I'm not as good as right you
(00:23):
can try and put me down It doesn'tmean you're not being disrespectful.
It just means it doesn't havean impact on who I believe I am
(00:49):
hello everyone.
And welcome to aprisoner's pardon podcast.
I'm Michi J your host.
I am so happy to have you here againwith me because you could have been
doing a lot of other things, but youtook the time to come and listen to
the show because you understand thatyou will get something of value.
(01:12):
Again, I have a great show today.
So I want to ask you, have you everthought about Where are the men?
Where are the men at?
I know we see these forms of men,but it's like, where are the men?
Because you can have a man, butthey may be still thinking childish.
(01:38):
So they really haven'tgrown and developed.
And when you have someone that'sunderdeveloped, it can cause problems
in their family, In the home atwork and just everywhere in every
relationship so What we're going tobe talking about Today is the identity
(02:02):
of the man And what is his purpose?
now today with me is mark collinsMark is a pastor and he has been
in ministry over 20 years he'salso a coach, husband, father.
and author.
The name of his book is life masterybook living by Design and not by default.
(02:28):
he has a black belt a bachelor'sof art and is also a business owner.
Welcome Mark.
How you doing?
I'm doing great.
Thanks for having me on.
I'll meet you today.
That was, uh, uh, Wonderful introductionand he gave a little bit of my life
story away, which is, which is fine.
It's also in my book.
So, um, wow.
Why did I write the book?
(02:49):
You know, the short story isbecause I needed the things
that I had in the book, right?
For me, it was figuring out aroadmap of becoming the person
that I was created to be.
Right, where are the men at?
Where's their identity at?
Well, if you looked at me when I was ayoung person, a young man, a teenager
growing up into adulthood, my identitywas in trying to measure up to my father.
(03:12):
My dad was a strong man, adomineering man, but he wasn't
a dad that was necessarily therefor you as far as emotionally,
relationally, and all of that.
And in that place, I always had him asthe picture of who I was trying to be.
Unfortunately, as they say, right,you're, you should be an original because
you're a bad imitation of somebody else.
Um, and in that case, I couldn'tmeasure up to him or the
(03:33):
idea of what it looked like.
So, uh, trying to figure it out, tryingto see what does it look like to be a man?
And, and, you know, that thing onthe inside that I think a lot of
guys have of I'm better than thelife I'm living or that question
that a lot of us have, right?
Is this all that I've got?
Is this everything that I'msupposed to be walking through?
And knowing that that wasn't the truth.
(03:55):
But I didn't know how to get there.
And you said I was a pastor,but first I was a Christian.
And, and before that I was just a guyout there trying to figure it out.
So for me, it was personaldevelopment, right?
Okay.
So if I believe there's more,I don't know how to get there.
I'll go out to the people that aredoing those things who are making
those, uh, resources, those tools.
So I went out and grabbedeverything I could.
(04:15):
The problem was a lot of cases.
It was kind of that samecases with my dad, right?
You look at the person and theyhave this amazing, you know,
whatever they're confident.
They're they're rich.
They're wealthy They've got position.
They've got all these things andbasically the story is well if
you do the things I do You couldbecome like me But I knew that I
(04:36):
wouldn't I wasn't like Tony Robbins.
I wasn't like Dean Graziosi I wasn'tlike Dale Carnegie and all the people
that I learned from not that theirprinciples didn't have value But there
was no transformation in it Right.
Okay.
Where are you a pastor at and wheredo you live in the country right now?
Sure.
(04:57):
Um, thanks for the question.
I'm in Southern California.
Our church is authentic community church.
Um, I'm the associate pastorthere and our senior pastor is a
pastor, Sean and Amanda Hamilton.
They do a great job and Ihave the opportunity to be
under their leadership and be.
Associate pastor at that church.
Okay, and you're a coach a coach of whatlike a basketball team a football team
(05:18):
What what kind of coach a life coach?
I Would you could call it a spiritualcoach a life coach a business coach,
whatever you want to call it It's reallyme trying to be a coach and mentor.
I like the word mentor, but mostfolks don't really Resonate with
that or understand what it means.
So mostly I just say coach because it'skind of an easy understanding of oh,
(05:38):
okay So you're gonna help me get better?
Okay, and you're a husband.
You also are a husband.
How long have you been married?
33 years Yeah, uh, we'vebeen married quite a while.
Okay, you can talk to this thenyou you got some longevity here.
Yeah To the same woman.
Sorry Same woman with a lot of patienceis which is why we're married 33
(06:01):
years known each other 35 married 33Okay, have three kids all adults 125
140 144 You can remember their ages.
I can't remember my kids ages.
Okay, that's pretty good.
You got good memory All right, and you areblack so far You are a black belt in what?
Yeah, so I was studying amartial art called wing chung.
(06:23):
It's a chinese martial arts.
So Martial artists In general broken upinto two groups the Japanese or Chinese
There's Thai martial arts and all sorts.
I don't want to get into the detailsand bore you but yeah So Wing Chun is
a Chinese martial art that I studied.
I studied several martial arts and tobe totally honest I studied martial
arts because my dad I felt was atough guy and I thought okay Well,
(06:46):
if I learn all these things rightthe Bruce Lee kind of approach then
I'm gonna be like my dad again Tryingto be an imitation of somebody.
I thought was the picture of a man.
And my dad is certainly aman, but I'm not him for sure.
Everybody is different and unique.
God didn't make everybody the same.
So you also have a degree.
What is your degree in?
(07:08):
Yeah, it's a bachelor of scienceand information technology.
It's basically a computer degree.
It was again, one of those things Iwas going to school when I was younger,
you know, right out of high school.
Um, you My dad was in the military.
The last place he was stationedwas in Utah, uh, retired there.
So I, I grew up from sixthgrade to high school, going
(07:29):
into a little bit of college.
It wasn't the life for me at the time.
So I actually moved to Californiaat that time, told people I
was going to be a rock star.
Um, wasn't necessarilyworking out that way.
Uh, but as an adult, I, I, it was oneof those goals that I wanted to have.
Again, it was one of thosethings that you're trying to be
an imitation of somebody else.
There's those things that you use tosucceed at not because you're good at
(07:51):
it You're gifted at it or it's somethingthat you're really driven towards but
because you're trying to prove somethingAnd so for me with college It was to
prove that I was smart enough to provethat I was a guy that could make it
could finish could complete it Okay.
All right.
That was good.
Um that helps As well as audienceget to know, know you better.
And this is awesome.
I really like all the facets ofyou because it's going to make
(08:15):
you very, very interesting.
So you, you wrote this book.
I'm like really interested in whydid you name it the way you did?
Cause you said life mastery book living.
Design and not default.
What, what was the, what'sthe meaning behind that?
Yeah, so two, two different things.
(08:37):
The first is the life mastery part of it.
There's a scripture, you know, I'ma, I'm a Christian and a pastor, so
I'm going to, uh, really the wholeframework for life mastery of the
book and the course that I have thatI've, you know, walked through with
different students is scripturally based.
So there's instructions in the Bible.
I believe that would give you the abilityto live the life that you're created for.
That's the whole goal of it.
(08:57):
There's two goals in the bookand with the course Life Mastery.
To discover who you're created to be andlive the life that you're created for.
And so Life Mastery comesfrom Genesis 1 where God, Holy
Spirit, and Jesus were together.
And he said, let us make man inour image and in our likeness.
And let them have dominion overthe fish of the sea, the birds
of the air, so on and so forth.
(09:18):
I won't read the whole thing.
You can go check it out in Genesis 1.
But that word dominion, right,can also be translated master.
And what I understood in the scriptureand what I understood in my own
journey was, and not by, you know,fault of anybody, but typically we
look at scripture, we look at God'sword and we look at the way it's going
to apply to everything out there.
(09:39):
And that's absolutely true, right?
You know, you're going to master,you're going to have dominion over
all of the earth and those things.
You know, I don't want to get into thescriptural story of it was lost with Adam
and Eve, but it was regained with Jesus.
But let's understand the concept.
It is, it is mastery.
But the thing is thatGod isn't inviting us.
And giving us the dictate to mastereverything around us more so than
(09:59):
we master ourselves I can't mastermy world if I can't master me.
And so that's where that came fromwas that word dominion Um life fight.
I'm, sorry say that againbecause that was key No master.
I can't master my world if I can't mastermyself I can be dominating I can be
domineering But I can't have dominion
(10:22):
And so, um, by design or default,here's the truth of the matter
that I see in every person I know.
And I first saw it in myself.
Most of the time we live ourlife by default, which means
that life happens and I respond.
Whether it's challenge, it's confusion,it's relational, you know, fights with
your wife, it's, it's struggling atwork, it's losing a job, it's trying
(10:44):
to find a job, it's being, you know,in a place where you're, you know,
Cut off in traffic, whatever thething is life happens and typically we
respond even in Christianity, right?
We have those scriptures we putin our pocket and we bring them
out when life is happening.
I can't pay my bills I mean, theseare all personal stories by the way
in my past you you're right They sayyour your month lasts longer than your
money And so you're, you're, you'requoting these scriptures, you know,
(11:08):
he's made me the head and the tail, youknow, I'm the, um, he has promises and
plans and purposes for my life, right?
We, we bring out these scriptureswhen life is happening.
But I believe God called us to live lifeby design, which means this, I'm the
answer to the situations I'm walking into.
Not me specifically, although I am.
But Misha J and everything against us.
And that's like by default andSatan loves that because that means
(11:31):
that we're always on the defensive.
Everybody else who'slistening to this podcast.
We think that we're just supposedto defend ourselves when things come
against us, whether it's struggle,issue, anger, fear, whatever, but
God's calling us to live by design,which means this understanding that.
I'm the answer that'sgoing into this situation.
I'm the response that God has whathe's given me inside of me is what's
(11:52):
supposed to be the impact for the lifeI'm walking into so if I have a challenge
with a job, well, i'm the person withanswers I'm the person with peace.
I'm the person with solutions, right if ifi'm having struggles in the relationship
Well, i'm the person that's reconciling.
I'm the person bringing vulnerability.
I'm the person speaking truth andlove And so life by design is the
life that God has for us So thatwe're trained for the battle before it
(12:14):
happens, not trying to fight it after.
Right, because then it's too late.
So, you made a point, I like, okay.
Your goal is to have peoplediscover who they are.
Yeah.
And what purpose, right?
And you're like a coach.
(12:35):
And you just said, Yeah, I do.
Living life by design rather than defaultand you made a great point about instead
of on a defense so thinking coach wiseHow would you I mean just talk about
(12:55):
that as a coach because we see defensewith football And we see offense.
So what's your Could you kind ofput it in plain terms and give an
example of that for us, please?
Thanks.
Yeah.
And let me use my own life.
Yeah.
So the things that we talked about, theaccomplishments, all of those things,
(13:16):
what I tell some people all the time, whatI tell them in my life mastery courses,
you'll never, so Fear, failure, issues,struggles with, you know, insecurity,
they call that imposter syndrome as well.
Feeling like I'm not qualifiedfor that job or for that
relationship or for that business.
Right?
Those are all things that are happening.
Well, it comes from a placeof identity and believing that
(13:37):
you're a person who, right?
We either live from our experiencesor we live from who God created
us to be, what I call identity.
And so in the place where I'mliving from my experiences,
I'm using my accomplishments.
Again, this is my personal story.
I succeeded at business.
My wife and I had a businessthat we sold for a six figure
profit, a mid six figure profit.
(13:57):
The interesting thing was thatfear of failure that I had before
we started that I struggled withwhile we were walking through it.
I still had when we were done.
So in that place, what is happeningis you're expecting your outside
world to make up the difference.
in your identity.
If I don't know who I am, I'm expectingthe world to make up the difference.
If I don't know who I am, I'm expectingmy wife to make up the difference.
(14:20):
So life mastery versus life bydefault, it really comes down to this.
Am I allowing my experiences, mypast, my hurts, the lies I believed,
and the things that have beensaid about me tell me who I am?
Or am I allowing God to tell me who I am?
So life mastery starts with God.
Identity I tell people this all the time.
Um, I don't have a tattoo, but ifI did it would say this identity is
(14:42):
everything Yes, okay Let me explorethis a little bit because you didn't
mention the term imposter syndromewe hear that a lot, but for people to
Understand what you're talking about andyou can correct me It's like imposter
(15:03):
Syndrome so A person could think thatthey shouldn't be there because of some
experience or something like that, thatthey feel that they shouldn't be there.
That's living it by experience, but bydesign, if you know that you're purposely
(15:26):
supposed, if you know your purpose, youknow, you're supposed to be there and you
will approach things differently because.
You are there, but if the person doesn'tknow their identity Don't have a Driver's
license or can prove who they are You'resaying that they can miss things because
(15:53):
they don't have the proper identity Theyare not going places where they should
be or just knowing who they are Justyou know, I'm trying to break it down
so we can understand it practically Youin our lives because you, because you
didn't know who you were, you had fear.
Yep, absolutely.
(16:14):
Yeah.
And for me, it was fear offailure and the fear of failure.
You're asking reallygreat questions, Misha J.
I appreciate that.
Fear of failure is really, for me, itwas, it was, An identity statement and
it's the same with anything, right?
If you've had relationships where therewere struggles and they didn't work out,
you get into a new relationship and,and you're getting into a fight, right?
(16:38):
You're getting a little bit heatedor something's going on there.
Now, all of a sudden, it, it, it.
I don't know anybody who's not like this,so I'm just going to say with everybody
you're, you're already understandingwhere this is going because your past
experiences show you don't logically thinkthat, but you have those emotions of, you
know, that, that fear and that worry andthat confusion because you know that my
(16:58):
past relationships haven't worked out.
So this one isn't either.
And so imposter syndrome isreally not believing that you're
qualified to be where you're at.
In relationship and businessand job, whatever, right?
In podcasting, we should say, right?
Like with you and I, it doesn'tmean that you won't succeed.
And that's the interesting thing.
I know people have great successand I have testimonies of guys
(17:19):
in our course and women as well.
It's not that they don't succeed.
It's that in their success, there'sno joy because what they're fighting
against is the belief that they'rea failure waiting to happen.
So even when they do succeed,there's always this word of,
Oh, well this time, right?
. Mm-Hmm.
, right?
Mm-Hmm.
. You get through a relationalissue with your spouse, your
girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever.
Mm-Hmm.
(17:40):
. And, and, oh, okay, well it workedout this time, but watch out.
It was luck.
Right?
The, the next one could be the last one.
Exactly.
It is something like, oh, youjust lucky that you got there.
Oh, okay.
Exactly.
You, you really, you breaking itdown for us, um, to understand
what you're talking about.
So this, um, if we don't get pastthis fear, we can't move forward.
(18:03):
Because we is starting fromnot knowing our identity.
We were having this fear.
Oh, that's why now I remember my question.
I have I was having asenior moment experience.
What's the value of that experience?
In your when your thoughts because
(18:27):
you have both everybody have experience,but what's the necessity of it?
What's the value?
of having that experience.
That's a great question.
So, in the course, and actually I thinkI read about it in general, I look at
the book as being kind of the quickstart guide to a life mastery journey.
And so all of the details that arein the course and the things that we
(18:48):
train and teach aren't necessarilyin there, so this may be new
knowledge for anybody who's read it.
Um, so there's, there's, I callthem four pillars of life mastery.
Um, identity, experience,meaning, and emotion.
Identity?
Experience.
And emotion.
And so you start with identity.
(19:09):
So you either live your life throughidentity, who I'm created to be,
or you live your life with yourexperiences telling you who you are.
It's like that phrasethat people say, right?
If you don't know who you are, don'tworry, the world will tell you.
And unfortunately, that's the truth.
It'll tell you through marketing,it'll tell you through social media,
it'll tell you through um, The peoplearound you or the life that you
(19:30):
have or the success they have, butI don't so I'm not as good as right.
It's those things thatwe all struggle with.
So experience is an experience.
So for my own life, my, youknow, I'm just to kind of let
you in a little bit on my life.
My mom passed away two months ago.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I appreciate that.
Um, it was an extended kind oftime of her health failing and
(19:51):
she, I, I live in California.
She lives in Hawaii.
So it was a, it was a bit ofa struggle during that time.
First off, obviously, cause you havea parent who's passing and you kind of
know it, but you don't know when and totrying to kind of navigate through, you
know, I'm not, I'm not a wealthy man.
So going to Hawaii isn'tsomething I can do every week.
So to figure out timing in, in therelationship with family, I was, I was
(20:12):
with a friend, a Actually, my brother inlaw and my mom had passed and we were in
the, in her little home when she passedaway and we stepped out of the bedroom.
I was talking to him and, youknow, obviously there's the emotion
of the situation and he saidsomething that was interesting.
He said, you know,sometimes life is horrible.
And my response to him was, you know, lifeisn't horrible, but this circumstance is.
(20:39):
And so there's a difference.
And so the difference in an experiencethat empowers you to move forward and
one that holds you back really is inthe meaning that you give it, right?
Identity, experience, meaning and emotion.
So life happens to everybody.
Great success, decentday, horrible day, right?
We all have experiences that we cansay this was the worst day or the
(21:00):
worst experience I walked through.
But the difference is in being ableto move forward from that experience.
Or have it be an anchor that holds youback the rest of your life Maybe you know
people I unfortunately know people in mylife that they've experienced loss and
They're still talking about that loss.
It's still a cloud hanging over theirhead years later The experience isn't the
(21:22):
issue because good and bad and challengeswill happen right right in this world
You will have trouble Jesus said thedifference is what meaning do I give it?
See for myself I was fully there and,I mean, I'll tell you the honest truth,
I was crying every day the last fivedays as I spent that time with my mom.
Because there was a loss thatwas coming and you could start,
(21:43):
you know, you walk through it.
I don't need to go into details.
But, that experience isn't who I am.
It doesn't mean I love my mom less.
It just means I understand, hey, Ihave a good life and a good place and
frankly, it's a, answer to prayer tobe able to be here with her at this
time, even though at the same time,it's a crushing experience for us.
(22:05):
So it's not the experience thatmatters, but the meaning you take
from it in the most cases, right?
Like when I, you know, we succeededat our fourth business, which
means that the first three didn't.
Okay.
So the experience of losing our businessor failing and it costing money and
putting us in a financial struggle, right?
(22:25):
That's, that's a Business failure.
The problem is a lot of timeswe think it's an us failure.
Your relationship doesn't work out.
You get a divorce.
You, you, that relationship you've had foryears or for a few weeks doesn't work out.
The relationship didn't workout, but sometimes we think,
well, that means I'm not lovable.
I'm not somebody of value.
(22:46):
I'm not somebody of worth that,that deserves a relationship.
It's not the experience.
It's the meaning I take from it.
And the meaning I take from it will alwaysbe in alignment with who I believe I am.
That's key what you say, said.
Could you say that again?
The, the meaning I take frommy experience will always be in
alignment with who I believe I am.
So if I believe I'm a failure andI, and my business doesn't work
(23:08):
out, oh well I just proved it right.
If I believe that I'm a person that'smeant for success and impact in the
world, well then that's just somethingto walk through, an experience to walk
through to get to that next stage.
It all depends, I mean itall comes back to identity.
Identity is everything.
Who you believe you are, you'll seewalked out in every area of your life.
(23:29):
Okay, that is very key.
I really like that, that you kind ofexpose that and make it plain to see.
This is especially good for men whohave gone to prison and They're out now.
Maybe some are still in some are inspiritual prisons, you know, because
(23:53):
it does start in a mind first but inexperience because Again, a lot of
people in my audience have been in jail.
Hey Do have an ID Problem we we seeit somewhat to when they come out.
They can't it's hard for them to gettheir ID, you know and The most important
(24:18):
ID they need to have is their identityin what you're talking about now and
you're trying to help them get the realID they need and your book is equipping
men and women can pick up this book tooand learn as well because we suffer from
(24:42):
that as well and um so Can you speak from?
Yeah, it's experience because sometimesexperience make you be Emotional
it's nothing Wrong with emotion.
So because emotion can kind of Drive youkind of motivate you It what is but it's
(25:05):
like what is it motivating you to do?
Is it motivating you to stop?
Yep breeze so You're coaching peoplethrough this And you're showing them
who they are and their experiences.
And then you went into, Ithink I jumped ahead of you.
You said the meaning, cause youwere talking about the meaning.
(25:26):
Cause you said the four pillars are whatID experience, meaning, and emotion.
Yep.
And the interesting thing is in mostpersonal development programs, they always
start with the last one, which is emotion.
And I always make itlast because it's the,
it's, it's the one that, If youchange the first three, the last
(25:47):
one will fall in line, meaning this.
So, um, my, my mom, mymom passed away, right?
Or, or let's do this.
I lost, you know, our, we hadsome businesses that failed,
cost us hugely financially.
We were at the point of bankruptcy.
Right?
So that's an experiencethat we walked through.
The meaning, if it's anempowering meaning, I call them
(26:08):
disempowering or empowering.
Empowering is.
Okay, we learned from that.
Now I won't make that mistake again,but I've learned things that I
can take into the next experience.
It doesn't mean I'm not supposedto be this person or do this thing.
It just means that this ispart of the going to school.
This is part of the learning.
So if I take that meaning, then whatam I feeling when I come out of it?
I'm feeling confident.
(26:29):
I'm feeling assured.
I'm feeling, you know, in line withwhat I'm doing, but if I go through that
same experience, business fails, we'restruggling financially month to month.
Now, all of a sudden, themeaning is I'm a failure.
That's because of me.
I've blown it.
I'm never going to succeed.
Well, what emotion doyou have off of that?
I have shame.
I have regret.
(26:49):
I have embarrassment.
What I tell people is this.
Your emotion is the only honestthing in the conversation.
Because if I was on a mountaintop orI was on the roof of a tall building
and I was right at the edge, well,fear would be an appropriate emotion.
But if I'm in a relationship withmy, my, my wife, Misha Jay, and we're
(27:11):
in a fight, me being afraid thatwe're gonna get a divorce, is that an
empowering or disempowering emotion?
It's a disempowering one.
So if I can walk back to the wholeexperience, if I understand who I'm
created to be, I'm a person that'sgot value and impact in the world.
Yeah, but something happened.
And you know, for some of yourlisteners, I went to jail, I made some
(27:33):
wrong choices, I did some things thatcaused me to go into the system, right?
But if I know who I am a person of valueand worth, okay, well, that was a mistake.
I recognize the mistake.
You know, I, I, I, I create theconsequence that I need to walk
through, but the meaning of it isthis is an experience for me to walk
through to understand who I'm not goingto be and what I'm not going to do.
(27:54):
Now, all of a sudden, the emotionthat you have going into it is I'm
a person of confidence and worth.
It's really me telling my world whoI am versus my world telling me.
So, again, it's who
you're allowing the world totell you who you are, which is.
The default, right?
You're right For all ofus not just some of us.
(28:16):
So anybody out theresaying oh, it's only me.
No, it's not you I wrote a whole bookbecause I was a guy in that place,
but wanted to have a roadmap I wantedto have a blueprint to become the
person that was created to be not whatthe world said I was So I like this.
Um, this is very very good and youWalking through this You just left us
(28:41):
the recipe in your book and just followthe steps that you laid out so we don't
have to reinvent the wheel, right?
You've done it.
I want to live off your experience.
I don't want to have togo through it myself.
If I, if somebody else has been thereand actually took the time to write
about it, like yourself, to tell youhow to get out, um, get the best of it.
(29:06):
So, all of this.
Again, you said identity,which you went through the
experience, meaning and emotion.
I love how you said it's the lastthing in the most honest thing.
And because it's feeding off whateveryou, your identity, your identity is, it's
feeding off whatever your experience is.
(29:28):
And it's feeding off whatmeaning did you take from it?
And that's how you're going to emote.
You're going to show your emotions.
And you cannot hide that.
And that's a great point.
So all of this is what part ofthe image, if this part of the
image of a person, this is thelife that everybody goes through.
(29:51):
So my life is fully encompassingin who I'm created to be or
who I believe I am identity.
The experiences I walked through,the meanings I put through it
and the emotions that I have.
And so this is kind of a snapshotof what life looks like lived out.
And I put it in that place asthe four pillars of life mastery,
because it's also the same.
Four pillars of life, what I call lifemanagement or living life by default.
(30:15):
The problem is we startwith the emotion, right?
Allowing our experiencesto tell us who I am.
The meaning tells me that I'm notgood enough and the emotions follow.
So I get angry.
So I have control.
So I have fear of failure.
So I have imposter syndrome.
So I have insecurity.
I feel like I'm not good anywhere.
And you know, I'm just waiting forthe next thing to fail in my life.
So are you saying when people?
(30:38):
lash out or have this anger.
You're saying that their experienceswhat meaning they put to that in who they
think they are is driving that is it?
Yeah, if you want to get really deep intowhat we talked about in the chorus, right?
You're just a little bit justa little bit your emotions.
(31:01):
Your emotions are always aresponse to your experience.
Right, but your emotions are driven byyour identity again, so I get into a Issue
at work somebody's you know, we're not inagreement with stuff, you know He's kind
of getting on my nerves or I'm getting onhis nerves or whatever And and then you
(31:22):
have this response of anger you have thisresponse of hatred or whatever, right?
And that's because there's somethingin there that's telling you that, you
know, there's this guy's disrespectingme He's he's doing something that's
you know, he's putting me down.
He's doing this or that or the otherBut here's the interesting thing.
The more I understand who I amthe the less I allow other people
(31:42):
to tell me Which means is if I'mwalking into a circumstance in a
situation and I'm confident in whoI am You can tell me I'm an idiot.
You can tell me I'm a fool You cantell me I'm not as good as right you
can try and put me down It doesn'tmean you're not being disrespectful.
It just means it doesn't havean impact on who I believe I am.
But when I don't believe who I am,when I'm feeling like, uh, you know,
(32:04):
I'm not getting respect, right?
That kind of identity issue whereyou, you feel like you're not
somebody as good as everybody else.
Again, I'm talking frompersonal experience.
Now, all of a sudden my response is angerbecause you've hit a nerve, so to speak.
You've hit an area where I feelvulnerable because while I try on the
outside portray that I don't believeit on the inside, I kind of do.
(32:24):
But I'm telling you what, when you walkin knowing who you're creating, you're
not in arrogance, because none of thiscomes from me believing I'm all that.
It all comes from, I know God'smade me specifically, just
like he's made everybody else.
And the more I align with whohe's created me to be, the more
I'm walking in confident in that.
The great example is Jesus, right?
Whether it was the devil or thereligious teachers or anybody around
(32:48):
him, everybody was trying to puthim in the mold of who they believed
the Savior was supposed to be.
None of it impacted him If peoplewere angry if people left him because
of some of the words he said ifthey tried to persecute him Right.
All he had to do was change Who he wasright so we get that's where I was going
a little bit with the image We're we'reactually creating in his image and he's
(33:12):
an example for us if I know who I amgoing into it All of the noise from the
outside has no impact and allow otherpeople to tell him that and everything
would have been cool Supposedly, butjesus knows who he is He's the model um,
so to speak and where we should be tryingto imitate and you Have really crafted.
(33:38):
Yeah a good tool here for peopleto use again You The name of
Mark's book is Life Mastery LivingLife by Design Not by Default.
Wow we can relate to that becauseIt's like you are now getting in
the driver's seat rather than beingdriven You're actually getting in
(34:03):
the driver's seat where you belongand that's where our men belong.
So what is okay now that Once theyRead this book, get this information.
What is some of the impacts youthink they will see in their life?
Like describe some of the impactsthat you've seen in your own life
(34:26):
because you've mastered this.
That's a great question.
Thank you for saying Misha J.
First, so there's a few things.
One is I believe that every manhas an impact in the world that
you're you're called and created.
Thank you.
For an impact that'syours and yours alone.
And I'm not just saying it because I'mtrying to pump people up or because
I believe that about my own life.
(34:46):
I see it all over the word of God.
I see it all over scripture.
It's really interestingin, in, in the word of God.
When you talk, see a man or a womanin, in a multitude of cases, God
would come and tell them who they are.
And then he would tell them that the,the thing that is theirs, their, their
journey, their purpose, the thing thathe's called them to have an impact with.
(35:07):
But he always started withwho they were created to be.
He didn't start with, if youdo this thing, then you'll
become somebody of importance.
He said, you're a personof value and worth.
You're a great man of valor.
And this is what you'regoing to do with it.
Even when in every case that I remember,they didn't know that about themselves.
And so for us, identity starts with.
(35:29):
Who does God say you are and then whodo you say you are and in that place
you can start to become that person Andso for me again, I've had success in
different areas of my life And even ifyou haven't here's the sameness about
all of us Whether you're successful ornot in the things that you're doing those
fears that we have are all the same thosefeelings of wanting to be valued as a
(35:49):
man and And you know hoping for yourworld to show you the difference that
you don't have on the inside You Right.
If I don't know who I am, the worldhas to make up the difference.
So you have to respect me.
So you have to, you know, give mewhatever that wealth, that power,
that prestige, that position.
All the things we use assubstitutes for identity.
So in my own life, the honesttruth is, Misha J., there's a
(36:11):
couple of things that happened.
The first one is I started showing up asa guy that I thought I was created to be.
I started to see him lived out.
So I wasn't getting angrywhen things were happening.
I wasn't having struggles with my wifebecause our business wasn't going well.
The outside world wasn'tdictating my inside value.
My inside value was dictatingwhat happened in the world.
(36:33):
It doesn't mean everything's perfect.
And you know, I won thelottery and everything's great.
But what it does mean is That feardidn't follow me in everything I did.
Anger wasn't my first response toeverything I was coming against.
Really because, you know,I'm just going to be honest.
Anger is really just a greatarrow pointing to insecurity.
(36:54):
Anger is never the emotion.
So when they tell you, again, mostpersonal development programs, they
talk about managing your emotions.
Which is foolish because you'llalways be managing them if
you're only going to stay there.
But here's the truth.
When I understood who I was createdto be and I started walking through
identity, my thoughts of who I am werealigning with who God says I am, now all
(37:15):
of a sudden stress wasn't there, worrywasn't there at the highest levels.
So not only was I able to accomplishstuff, but I actually was able to
enjoy it because I wasn't worried thatat any minute it's gonna fall apart.
I tell people this, and so life masteryis the tool, freedom is the goal.
And where freedom comes fromis where Jesus said, He who the
(37:37):
sun sets free is free indeed.
It is absolutely a salvation message.
So I'm not trying to take away fromthe fact that, okay, Jesus died
for our sins, and that's a freedomthat he has, freedom against the
impact and the influence of sin.
But there's a lifestyle side ofit that he was also talking about.
Freedom looks like something lived out.
It looks like somebody a man walking inconfidence It looks like a man willing
(37:59):
to to be vulnerable in his relationshipsbecause he's not afraid that he has to
guard against being hurt It's a man whohas an impact in the world and believes
that there's more for him not guy WhatI call him in my course and what I talk
about with the guys that I coach is we'reheroes in hiding love that There's a
there's a hero on the inside that isn'tcoming out So it's not just me feeling
(38:22):
good for me You It's me being able toinvest in the world and the impact God
has through me because I know who I am.
And so I tell guys this all the time.
I say, living from a place of freedomis the easiest thing you can do.
It's literally me just livingfrom who I'm created to be.
It's, it's effortless with work.
Meaning, you know, I still have to workto get things accomplished like this
(38:43):
podcast, like my ministry and all of that.
But I'm not struggling.
I'm not striving.
I'm not, you know,stressed out because of it.
Living from a place of freedomis the easiest thing you can do.
Living apart from freedom is tough.
And that's how most of us are living.
Right.
Thank you for that.
So
(39:06):
one thing you said, correct meif I'm misinterpreting this, is
making The difference trying tohave the world World have to make
up the difference having the worldhave to make up the difference when
You actually should be making thedifference not the world, right?
(39:31):
Yeah, so Hmm So we you talked about soso if I don't What I said was if I if
you don't know who you are the world hasto make up the difference Which means
with my relationship with my wife, if,if I don't feel secure in who I am, if I
don't, I'm not confident that I'm a personof worth and value worthy to be loved.
(39:51):
If I feel like I'm insecure and myrelationships haven't worked out, so
maybe this one won't work out either.
Well, then what I require from her,I don't say it, but what I require
from her is, okay, then you need to,you need to always treat me nicely.
You need to not get angry.
You need to validate me.
Exactly.
Because I don't believe who I am.
So again, you have tomake up the difference.
But when I know who I am now, I tellpeople, My, my marriage is a benefit.
(40:17):
It's not a requirement.
It's my wife is a benefit to mylife and she makes my life better.
She's not a requirementfor me to be okay with me.
I like that.
It's that is a key thing.
So first it starts with theindividual you getting the ID.
(40:38):
Which then goes into every relationshipyou have because then you went from
You were in a relationship with yourwife, and it's you two, so if you let
the world dictate how you all shouldinteract versus what the model of
(40:59):
what the Bible says and what God saysbecause he created you, it's gonna be
totally two different things, right?
Yep.
Yeah, absolutely.
And you showed.
How it started impacting you as ahusband with your wife You stopped being
a probably annoyed with some thingsbefore You know, i've seen things.
(41:23):
No, exactly No, you're absolutelyright because again those emotions
are going to be on the surface rightif i'm If I don't understand who I am
if I don't understand who god createdme to be right then anything that's
happening at work Um I'm gonna take homeanything that happened on the street.
I'm gonna take home anything thathappens with my neighbors I'm gonna
(41:43):
take home right you can't we as mentry to compartmentalize our life.
We think we can So right, you know ifwork is horrible or I don't have a job
and so this is that but I'm gonna bean angel At home, that's never the case
because it bleeds over into every areaof your life And so my marriage is better
because I'm better My job is betterbecause I'm better because you're making
(42:04):
the difference in that world exactlybecause I'm walking in who I'm created
to be God made us to walk like that.
It's only satan that triesto get us to stop right?
so If you you're making the differenceand you're going to start seeing the
fruit of it and What you're saying thatyou can't really manage that Because
(42:27):
when that's what they were trying to dowhen they try to When you said that if
something happened at work, I'm gonnakeep that at work and I'm gonna come
home and I'm gonna be somebody else.
You're trying to actually manage that bykeeping it over there and it's actually
you, it's right, you bringing it with you.
(42:48):
You can't leave it because it's a partof you, a part of your experience now.
Going back to your four pillars.
And that you're absolutely right.
Okay.
And here's the thing.
Also, I'm either bringing it homebecause I'm going to lash out.
(43:09):
I'm going to be angry.
I'm going to be shorttempered or whatever.
Or I'm bringing it home becauseI'm going to be shut down.
So you guys think that me being able tobe a good husband is I'm not letting you
into those areas that I'm struggling with.
I'm striving with or I'mhaving issues with that.
Well, that's a great way tohave a superficial marriage.
Because now your wife doesn't evenknow who you are because you're not
(43:30):
allowing her to it doesn't mean i'mweak It just means i'm honest Right,
my wife my wife and I walked throughmy mom's passing I didn't act like it
didn't bother me because that's whata man is supposed to be That's just a
lie from the pit of hell say it again.
I let her know that this is atragic time and i'm hurting in that
That doesn't mean I'm not strong.
(43:50):
It just means I'm actually emotionallyrelevant in my relationship
Sometimes we're emotionallyirrelevant because we think that's
what it looks like to be a man.
Oh, no, I'm not gonna you knowthose You know, I'm not gonna cry.
I'm not gonna act like something hurts me.
Well, then you're not a lot like Jesusso actually when you said you're they
think you're not a man and So they gotthe wrong image of what a man should be
(44:15):
wrong imagination, the way he's thinking.
And it's, you know, I'm an older guy,so I remember this picture, so I'll
give a picture of what it looks like.
I don't know if you've ever seen a cartoonof a, of a guy that's a bodybuilder.
Right?
He's, he's super huge, bigarms, big chest and all that.
(44:35):
And then you look below the waistand his legs are like toothpicks.
Right?
Yeah.
We've got that phrase that guys used toneedle each other, don't forget leg day.
Well, that's in a relationship.
That's exactly what we look likesometimes because on the top, right?
The provider, the man of strength,the, you know, the person who's
(44:56):
the, the protector in the household,that's kind of that upper body.
And then the emotional stuff of actuallybeing vulnerable and available, actually
being able to say when you're hurtingand walking through it, actually
being able to have a conversationwith the guy getting angry, right?
That's the emotional side.
Right.
That looks like toothpickson that bodybuilder.
God doesn't call us to be half developed.
(45:17):
He calls us to be developed.
And so I it's one of the things Iwrote in one of my newsletters to my
guys was they don't forget leg day.
Incredible.
I love that analogy and goinginto my last question right now.
Um, in relationships.
(45:41):
And even with yourself, because people,we have these voices sometimes that
tell us, um, wrong things that we, youknow, we are believing wrong things.
And I've seen many relationships,not, you know, not all, but where the
people closest to you can get somegood shots in and Unknowingly, they
(46:10):
don't understand they're, they're,um, actually tearing down the person
with words and things like that.
Um, where, what would you have as a coach?
Yeah.
Because we, we do have wives and we dohave men at times using their strengths
(46:30):
inappropriately and, and the womenusing their strengths inappropriately.
Um, And tearing down their ownhouse and tearing down men.
And that's one of the reasons why ourmen are not having the strength they are
(46:52):
needing to have and not being the heroes,like you said, who they were made to be.
What is it, what is it theycan do as a man if they got,
they're in a relationship?
You know, that they, a wife,like a girlfriend, you could
probably, probably ditch her.
(47:13):
You know, if you, unless she's worthsaving, I don't, I don't know, it's
probably not for you to save her.
I don't know.
That's questionable.
We won't digress over there.
But if they're in a relationship,like a marriage or something,
they like tie together.
What do you, what do youtell them as a coach?
Yeah, absolutely.
That's a great question.
And so let me give you a picture.
(47:33):
So, um, I remember we're seeingthis old time kind of, uh, video.
It was, it was film back in the day.
And there was a strong man that wasstanding in the middle, holding two ropes.
And he had a group on one side, pullinghim that direction and a group on the
other side, pulling him that direction.
And so that's a lot like whatI talk about when I talk about
(47:54):
mastering your thoughts with my guys.
So you're the person in the middle,and on one side is God and who He
says you are, and on the other sideis the world and maybe your family
and even some of those people closeto you who are saying who you are.
And so what I do is I say this, youhave three things that matter, who
(48:14):
God says you are, who you say you are,who the people around you say you are.
Whatever one is the priority isthe one you're going to believe.
So, for us, I say, masteringyour thoughts means aligning your
thoughts with who God says you are.
Pulling in that direction.
Well, the more I'm pulled in thatdirection and I'm saying, because
it's not just what they say, it's whatyou say, because at the end of the
(48:35):
day, the truth is, it doesn't matterwhat anybody around me says, more
than it matters what I say about me.
And what I tell the guys is this,if what you say about yourself
doesn't align with what God says,then you're lying to yourself.
So, if your spouse, your friends, thosepeople around you, if what they say about
you doesn't align with what God saysabout you, then they're lying to you.
(49:00):
But at the end of the day, myResponsibility is my thoughts.
And so what I do is I, I continueto remind myself who God says I am.
Not in general scriptures,but in specificity.
With identity, I have guys writedown a statement, an I am statement.
Who are you?
Right?
I'm a man of confidence and assurance.
I'm a man of Fortitude and action.
I'm a man that follows through that caresfor his friends and family deeply that
(49:24):
finishes the projects that he startsthat is Always consistent and there
for those things that he's supposed tobe right whatever that statement is I
give them that statement because I sayremind yourself of it read it every day
I read mine multiple times a day becauselife happens all day And people are
trying to tell you who you are all day.
So Mastering your thoughts is,are my thoughts aligning with God?
(49:46):
Am I being pulled in that directiontowards what God says I am?
Who He says I am?
Am I reminding myself, right?
We talked about it in thebeginning of the conversation.
I'm preparing myself for thebattle before the battle happens.
I can't try and remind myself who Iam after I'm in a fight with somebody
who's telling me I'm a whatever, a fool.
But if I know who I am walkinginto it, not all of a sudden
(50:08):
you don't have an impact.
And in a relationship, you first offalign with who God's created you to be.
Second off, take ownership of thepart of the relationship dysfunction.
That's your responsibility.
It takes two people to fight.
It takes two people to heal.
And depending on where your relationshipis that If there are people who are
(50:28):
continually bringing you down, then theymay be people that you want to examine
how much time you want to put into thatrelationship, whether it's a friend,
whether it's a family member, right?
It's okay to not hang around peoplethat continue to put you down.
You have permission to do that.
That's healthy.
That's not an healthy unhealthyrelationship is expecting better
from people that can't give it.
(50:49):
Oh, you need you preaching now.
I didn't know you was goingto start preaching on here.
But, um, it's boundaries.
You're talking about boundaries andjust knowing where to draw the line
and where those boundaries are.
I just love what you dobecause you are a true coach.
You are coaching men to be men, to beheroes, helping them with their identity,
(51:16):
helping them to understand the experienceand taking it and not shining it.
And what the meaning behind it is so thatthey can have the right emotions and not
be scared of emotions and because men haveemotions just like women but it's just how
you Control those motions, but you gettingdown to the root of where they're coming
(51:41):
from, you're helping to coach them throughand you're going to call it, you're
going to call the shots to where it is.
If that's an out, that's an out.
You know, if you got struck out,you know, you just got struck out.
You know, you may have to sit on abench for a minute, you know, I might
have to put you on penalty zone orsomething as a coach, you do all that.
(52:03):
You show it in your book.
You even have.
After the book, which I like,you don't just throw the book
out there and just leave them in.
Right.
So you have these sessions and howdo they, they get these sessions with
you because you, you're the coach.
Yeah.
Well, I, thanks, thanks for that question.
(52:23):
I, um, I have a website,freedom four-life.net.
Mm-Hmm , it's freedom-four-life.net.
So, um, you can actuallypurchase the book there.
I have the courses there.
I have the Life mastery course.
which also contains someone on one coaching.
And the reason I included coaching in theprogram, not just the program was because
I know the one thing that I would wantto give people that I didn't have it.
(52:45):
And that's fine.
You know, there's alwaysthe first person through it.
And for me, it was walking throughmy journey, cataloging it, making
the roadmap and giving it to guys.
But the one thing I knew was, it wouldbe amazing if you could through one
conversation, Shorten your understandingof something that is going to give you a
breakthrough So instead of doing it andtrying to figure it out in three months
Now you can do it in one or trying tofigure it out in a week trying to figure
(53:08):
Well, how do I implement this in my life?
Now all of a sudden one conversationcan catapult you can fast forward you
into the freedom that you're calledto so That's all on my website.
There's actually also a freediscovery tool Um that's out there.
You could go to my website It's a I callit a diagnostic tool, but it's a discovery
tool to say hey, where am I at in my life?
Mastery journey so you take A quick surveyand then at the end of it, it's not only
(53:31):
where am I at, but hey, what's the nextstep I can take to get to the next level?
So that's a free toolthat's out there as well.
Oh my goodness.
You, I mean, you got the resources too.
You, you trying to say youneed to know where you at so
you can know which way to go.
And you have, you're doing one on oneafter a while and actually coaching them.
(53:52):
I'm going to call you.
I'm not going to call you master.
I mean, I'm sorry, pastor.
Collins, I'm more, I'm moregeared towards coach Collins.
I like it.
I'm geared towards coach Collinsbecause you're not just a pastor.
You're not just a husband.
Those are those relationships.
(54:13):
You're not just a father, a black belt,you know, a degree and we, you know, you
got some, you got a lot of degrees in ablack belt and you got a father degree.
You got a husband degree.
You got to pass the degree.
You, you, you making them behave mastery of their lives.
(54:33):
I love that.
I love what you, thankyou for your service.
And, um, is there anything elseyou want to say to the audience?
Because you, you have said a lot for them.
You're going to help a lot ofmen understand, um, how to come
out of an institution and not beinstitutionalized and, um, helping.
(54:53):
them be better husbands, better,um, becoming coaches themselves.
Yeah.
Um, uh, better fathers, which we need.
And it's just a lot they're going to getfrom your book from you as well And I
will be putting everything in the websin the I should say In the show notes
because sometimes people like to see itSo I will put it in there so that they
(55:16):
can master their lives and not live bydefault but live by design For sure.
Yeah, absolutely.
Thanks for that.
And and the one thing I would say isyou know, we're talking about all these
tools and all these concepts right thefour pillars of life mastery and We
have, you know, in our course, and Italk about it in the book as well, the
three transformational strategies, allof these things aren't to give you more
(55:38):
habits and things to do, aren't to giveyou a whole big checklist of stuff to do.
It literally is this.
God has a impact that he wantsto make in the world through you.
There's a call and a purpose on your life.
It's for everybody.
It's not just for people onpodcasts like Misha J and myself.
It's not just for those guys that are inthe pulpit, those people you see on TV.
They're all different, but everyman has an impact that he's
(56:01):
supposed to make in the world.
So these tools are really justa roadmap, a blueprint for
you to get where you're at.
But at the end of the day, thething that matters is God sees you.
He knows you.
He loves you.
He created you for more than whereyou're at and that impact in the world.
These are simply the tools to help youunleash who you are as the hero in hiding
so that you're, you know, Living outthat life that you're created for you.
(56:23):
You probably do.
You have, you probably shouldwrite your next book hero in
hiding or something like that.
I've kind of really likedhow you saying that.
So basically what you're saying and we'llleave with us is that you are of value.
God gave his life for youbecause we are of value.
(56:44):
Well, coach Collins, thank you so muchfor being on a prisoner's pardon podcast.
Listeners, thank you for listening.
I'm pretty sure you've gained a lotof value in this from coach Collins.
You're going to leave here fired upand you're going to win the game.
The game of life.
Thank you so much.
(57:04):
And may you have a weekfilled with blessings.
undefined
(00:02):
identity I get into a Issue at worksomebody's getting on my nerves and
then you have this response of anger
That's because there's something inthere that's telling you that, this guy's
disrespecting me he's putting me down.
But here's the interesting thing.
The more I understand who I am theless I allow other people to tell me
who I am You can tell me I'm an idiot.
You can tell me I'm a fool You cantell me I'm not as good as right you
(00:23):
can try and put me down It doesn'tmean you're not being disrespectful.
It just means it doesn't havean impact on who I believe I am
(00:49):
hello everyone.
And welcome to aprisoner's pardon podcast.
I'm Michi J your host.
I am so happy to have you here againwith me because you could have been
doing a lot of other things, but youtook the time to come and listen to
the show because you understand thatyou will get something of value.
(01:12):
Again, I have a great show today.
So I want to ask you, have you everthought about Where are the men?
Where are the men at?
I know we see these forms of men,but it's like, where are the men?
Because you can have a man, butthey may be still thinking childish.
(01:38):
So they really haven'tgrown and developed.
And when you have someone that'sunderdeveloped, it can cause problems
in their family, In the home atwork and just everywhere in every
relationship so What we're going tobe talking about Today is the identity
(02:02):
of the man And what is his purpose?
now today with me is mark collinsMark is a pastor and he has been
in ministry over 20 years he'salso a coach, husband, father.
and author.
The name of his book is life masterybook living by Design and not by default.
(02:28):
he has a black belt a bachelor'sof art and is also a business owner.
Welcome Mark.
How you doing?
I'm doing great.
Thanks for having me on.
I'll meet you today.
That was, uh, uh, Wonderful introductionand he gave a little bit of my life
story away, which is, which is fine.
It's also in my book.
So, um, wow.
Why did I write the book?
(02:49):
You know, the short story isbecause I needed the things
that I had in the book, right?
For me, it was figuring out aroadmap of becoming the person
that I was created to be.
Right, where are the men at?
Where's their identity at?
Well, if you looked at me when I was ayoung person, a young man, a teenager
growing up into adulthood, my identitywas in trying to measure up to my father.
(03:12):
My dad was a strong man, adomineering man, but he wasn't
a dad that was necessarily therefor you as far as emotionally,
relationally, and all of that.
And in that place, I always had him asthe picture of who I was trying to be.
Unfortunately, as they say, right,you're, you should be an original because
you're a bad imitation of somebody else.
Um, and in that case, I couldn'tmeasure up to him or the
(03:33):
idea of what it looked like.
So, uh, trying to figure it out, tryingto see what does it look like to be a man?
And, and, you know, that thing onthe inside that I think a lot of
guys have of I'm better than thelife I'm living or that question
that a lot of us have, right?
Is this all that I've got?
Is this everything that I'msupposed to be walking through?
And knowing that that wasn't the truth.
(03:55):
But I didn't know how to get there.
And you said I was a pastor,but first I was a Christian.
And, and before that I was just a guyout there trying to figure it out.
So for me, it was personaldevelopment, right?
Okay.
So if I believe there's more,I don't know how to get there.
I'll go out to the people that aredoing those things who are making
those, uh, resources, those tools.
So I went out and grabbedeverything I could.
(04:15):
The problem was a lot of cases.
It was kind of that samecases with my dad, right?
You look at the person and theyhave this amazing, you know,
whatever they're confident.
They're they're rich.
They're wealthy They've got position.
They've got all these things andbasically the story is well if
you do the things I do You couldbecome like me But I knew that I
(04:36):
wouldn't I wasn't like Tony Robbins.
I wasn't like Dean Graziosi I wasn'tlike Dale Carnegie and all the people
that I learned from not that theirprinciples didn't have value But there
was no transformation in it Right.
Okay.
Where are you a pastor at and wheredo you live in the country right now?
Sure.
(04:57):
Um, thanks for the question.
I'm in Southern California.
Our church is authentic community church.
Um, I'm the associate pastorthere and our senior pastor is a
pastor, Sean and Amanda Hamilton.
They do a great job and Ihave the opportunity to be
under their leadership and be.
Associate pastor at that church.
Okay, and you're a coach a coach of whatlike a basketball team a football team
(05:18):
What what kind of coach a life coach?
I Would you could call it a spiritualcoach a life coach a business coach,
whatever you want to call it It's reallyme trying to be a coach and mentor.
I like the word mentor, but mostfolks don't really Resonate with
that or understand what it means.
So mostly I just say coach because it'skind of an easy understanding of oh,
(05:38):
okay So you're gonna help me get better?
Okay, and you're a husband.
You also are a husband.
How long have you been married?
33 years Yeah, uh, we'vebeen married quite a while.
Okay, you can talk to this thenyou you got some longevity here.
Yeah To the same woman.
Sorry Same woman with a lot of patienceis which is why we're married 33
(06:01):
years known each other 35 married 33Okay, have three kids all adults 125
140 144 You can remember their ages.
I can't remember my kids ages.
Okay, that's pretty good.
You got good memory All right, and you areblack so far You are a black belt in what?
Yeah, so I was studying amartial art called wing chung.
(06:23):
It's a chinese martial arts.
So Martial artists In general broken upinto two groups the Japanese or Chinese
There's Thai martial arts and all sorts.
I don't want to get into the detailsand bore you but yeah So Wing Chun is
a Chinese martial art that I studied.
I studied several martial arts and tobe totally honest I studied martial
arts because my dad I felt was atough guy and I thought okay Well,
(06:46):
if I learn all these things rightthe Bruce Lee kind of approach then
I'm gonna be like my dad again Tryingto be an imitation of somebody.
I thought was the picture of a man.
And my dad is certainly aman, but I'm not him for sure.
Everybody is different and unique.
God didn't make everybody the same.
So you also have a degree.
What is your degree in?
(07:08):
Yeah, it's a bachelor of scienceand information technology.
It's basically a computer degree.
It was again, one of those things Iwas going to school when I was younger,
you know, right out of high school.
Um, you My dad was in the military.
The last place he was stationedwas in Utah, uh, retired there.
So I, I grew up from sixthgrade to high school, going
(07:29):
into a little bit of college.
It wasn't the life for me at the time.
So I actually moved to Californiaat that time, told people I
was going to be a rock star.
Um, wasn't necessarilyworking out that way.
Uh, but as an adult, I, I, it was oneof those goals that I wanted to have.
Again, it was one of thosethings that you're trying to be
an imitation of somebody else.
There's those things that you use tosucceed at not because you're good at
(07:51):
it You're gifted at it or it's somethingthat you're really driven towards but
because you're trying to prove somethingAnd so for me with college It was to
prove that I was smart enough to provethat I was a guy that could make it
could finish could complete it Okay.
All right.
That was good.
Um that helps As well as audienceget to know, know you better.
And this is awesome.
I really like all the facets ofyou because it's going to make
(08:15):
you very, very interesting.
So you, you wrote this book.
I'm like really interested in whydid you name it the way you did?
Cause you said life mastery book living.
Design and not default.
What, what was the, what'sthe meaning behind that?
Yeah, so two, two different things.
(08:37):
The first is the life mastery part of it.
There's a scripture, you know, I'ma, I'm a Christian and a pastor, so
I'm going to, uh, really the wholeframework for life mastery of the
book and the course that I have thatI've, you know, walked through with
different students is scripturally based.
So there's instructions in the Bible.
I believe that would give you the abilityto live the life that you're created for.
That's the whole goal of it.
(08:57):
There's two goals in the bookand with the course Life Mastery.
To discover who you're created to be andlive the life that you're created for.
And so Life Mastery comesfrom Genesis 1 where God, Holy
Spirit, and Jesus were together.
And he said, let us make man inour image and in our likeness.
And let them have dominion overthe fish of the sea, the birds
of the air, so on and so forth.
(09:18):
I won't read the whole thing.
You can go check it out in Genesis 1.
But that word dominion, right,can also be translated master.
And what I understood in the scriptureand what I understood in my own
journey was, and not by, you know,fault of anybody, but typically we
look at scripture, we look at God'sword and we look at the way it's going
to apply to everything out there.
(09:39):
And that's absolutely true, right?
You know, you're going to master,you're going to have dominion over
all of the earth and those things.
You know, I don't want to get into thescriptural story of it was lost with Adam
and Eve, but it was regained with Jesus.
But let's understand the concept.
It is, it is mastery.
But the thing is thatGod isn't inviting us.
And giving us the dictate to mastereverything around us more so than
(09:59):
we master ourselves I can't mastermy world if I can't master me.
And so that's where that came fromwas that word dominion Um life fight.
I'm, sorry say that againbecause that was key No master.
I can't master my world if I can't mastermyself I can be dominating I can be
domineering But I can't have dominion
(10:22):
And so, um, by design or default,here's the truth of the matter
that I see in every person I know.
And I first saw it in myself.
Most of the time we live ourlife by default, which means
that life happens and I respond.
Whether it's challenge, it's confusion,it's relational, you know, fights with
your wife, it's, it's struggling atwork, it's losing a job, it's trying
(10:44):
to find a job, it's being, you know,in a place where you're, you know,
Cut off in traffic, whatever thething is life happens and typically we
respond even in Christianity, right?
We have those scriptures we putin our pocket and we bring them
out when life is happening.
I can't pay my bills I mean, theseare all personal stories by the way
in my past you you're right They sayyour your month lasts longer than your
money And so you're, you're, you'requoting these scriptures, you know,
(11:08):
he's made me the head and the tail, youknow, I'm the, um, he has promises and
plans and purposes for my life, right?
We, we bring out these scriptureswhen life is happening.
But I believe God called us to live lifeby design, which means this, I'm the
answer to the situations I'm walking into.
Not me specifically, although I am.
But Misha J and everything against us.
And that's like by default andSatan loves that because that means
(11:31):
that we're always on the defensive.
Everybody else who'slistening to this podcast.
We think that we're just supposedto defend ourselves when things come
against us, whether it's struggle,issue, anger, fear, whatever, but
God's calling us to live by design,which means this understanding that.
I'm the answer that'sgoing into this situation.
I'm the response that God has whathe's given me inside of me is what's
(11:52):
supposed to be the impact for the lifeI'm walking into so if I have a challenge
with a job, well, i'm the person withanswers I'm the person with peace.
I'm the person with solutions, right if ifi'm having struggles in the relationship
Well, i'm the person that's reconciling.
I'm the person bringing vulnerability.
I'm the person speaking truth andlove And so life by design is the
life that God has for us So thatwe're trained for the battle before it
(12:14):
happens, not trying to fight it after.
Right, because then it's too late.
So, you made a point, I like, okay.
Your goal is to have peoplediscover who they are.
Yeah.
And what purpose, right?
And you're like a coach.
(12:35):
And you just said, Yeah, I do.
Living life by design rather than defaultand you made a great point about instead
of on a defense so thinking coach wiseHow would you I mean just talk about
(12:55):
that as a coach because we see defensewith football And we see offense.
So what's your Could you kind ofput it in plain terms and give an
example of that for us, please?
Thanks.
Yeah.
And let me use my own life.
Yeah.
So the things that we talked about, theaccomplishments, all of those things,
(13:16):
what I tell some people all the time, whatI tell them in my life mastery courses,
you'll never, so Fear, failure, issues,struggles with, you know, insecurity,
they call that imposter syndrome as well.
Feeling like I'm not qualifiedfor that job or for that
relationship or for that business.
Right?
Those are all things that are happening.
Well, it comes from a placeof identity and believing that
(13:37):
you're a person who, right?
We either live from our experiencesor we live from who God created
us to be, what I call identity.
And so in the place where I'mliving from my experiences,
I'm using my accomplishments.
Again, this is my personal story.
I succeeded at business.
My wife and I had a businessthat we sold for a six figure
profit, a mid six figure profit.
(13:57):
The interesting thing was thatfear of failure that I had before
we started that I struggled withwhile we were walking through it.
I still had when we were done.
So in that place, what is happeningis you're expecting your outside
world to make up the difference.
in your identity.
If I don't know who I am, I'm expectingthe world to make up the difference.
If I don't know who I am, I'm expectingmy wife to make up the difference.
(14:20):
So life mastery versus life bydefault, it really comes down to this.
Am I allowing my experiences, mypast, my hurts, the lies I believed,
and the things that have beensaid about me tell me who I am?
Or am I allowing God to tell me who I am?
So life mastery starts with God.
Identity I tell people this all the time.
Um, I don't have a tattoo, but ifI did it would say this identity is
(14:42):
everything Yes, okay Let me explorethis a little bit because you didn't
mention the term imposter syndromewe hear that a lot, but for people to
Understand what you're talking about andyou can correct me It's like imposter
(15:03):
Syndrome so A person could think thatthey shouldn't be there because of some
experience or something like that, thatthey feel that they shouldn't be there.
That's living it by experience, but bydesign, if you know that you're purposely
(15:26):
supposed, if you know your purpose, youknow, you're supposed to be there and you
will approach things differently because.
You are there, but if the person doesn'tknow their identity Don't have a Driver's
license or can prove who they are You'resaying that they can miss things because
(15:53):
they don't have the proper identity Theyare not going places where they should
be or just knowing who they are Justyou know, I'm trying to break it down
so we can understand it practically Youin our lives because you, because you
didn't know who you were, you had fear.
Yep, absolutely.
(16:14):
Yeah.
And for me, it was fear offailure and the fear of failure.
You're asking reallygreat questions, Misha J.
I appreciate that.
Fear of failure is really, for me, itwas, it was, An identity statement and
it's the same with anything, right?
If you've had relationships where therewere struggles and they didn't work out,
you get into a new relationship and,and you're getting into a fight, right?
(16:38):
You're getting a little bit heatedor something's going on there.
Now, all of a sudden, it, it, it.
I don't know anybody who's not like this,so I'm just going to say with everybody
you're, you're already understandingwhere this is going because your past
experiences show you don't logically thinkthat, but you have those emotions of, you
know, that, that fear and that worry andthat confusion because you know that my
(16:58):
past relationships haven't worked out.
So this one isn't either.
And so imposter syndrome isreally not believing that you're
qualified to be where you're at.
In relationship and businessand job, whatever, right?
In podcasting, we should say, right?
Like with you and I, it doesn'tmean that you won't succeed.
And that's the interesting thing.
I know people have great successand I have testimonies of guys
(17:19):
in our course and women as well.
It's not that they don't succeed.
It's that in their success, there'sno joy because what they're fighting
against is the belief that they'rea failure waiting to happen.
So even when they do succeed,there's always this word of,
Oh, well this time, right?
. Mm-Hmm.
, right?
Mm-Hmm.
. You get through a relationalissue with your spouse, your
girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever.
Mm-Hmm.
(17:40):
. And, and, oh, okay, well it workedout this time, but watch out.
It was luck.
Right?
The, the next one could be the last one.
Exactly.
It is something like, oh, youjust lucky that you got there.
Oh, okay.
Exactly.
You, you really, you breaking itdown for us, um, to understand
what you're talking about.
So this, um, if we don't get pastthis fear, we can't move forward.
(18:03):
Because we is starting fromnot knowing our identity.
We were having this fear.
Oh, that's why now I remember my question.
I have I was having asenior moment experience.
What's the value of that experience?
In your when your thoughts because
(18:27):
you have both everybody have experience,but what's the necessity of it?
What's the value?
of having that experience.
That's a great question.
So, in the course, and actually I thinkI read about it in general, I look at
the book as being kind of the quickstart guide to a life mastery journey.
And so all of the details that arein the course and the things that we
(18:48):
train and teach aren't necessarilyin there, so this may be new
knowledge for anybody who's read it.
Um, so there's, there's, I callthem four pillars of life mastery.
Um, identity, experience,meaning, and emotion.
Identity?
Experience.
And emotion.
And so you start with identity.
(19:09):
So you either live your life throughidentity, who I'm created to be,
or you live your life with yourexperiences telling you who you are.
It's like that phrasethat people say, right?
If you don't know who you are, don'tworry, the world will tell you.
And unfortunately, that's the truth.
It'll tell you through marketing,it'll tell you through social media,
it'll tell you through um, The peoplearound you or the life that you
(19:30):
have or the success they have, butI don't so I'm not as good as right.
It's those things thatwe all struggle with.
So experience is an experience.
So for my own life, my, youknow, I'm just to kind of let
you in a little bit on my life.
My mom passed away two months ago.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I appreciate that.
Um, it was an extended kind oftime of her health failing and
(19:51):
she, I, I live in California.
She lives in Hawaii.
So it was a, it was a bit ofa struggle during that time.
First off, obviously, cause you havea parent who's passing and you kind of
know it, but you don't know when and totrying to kind of navigate through, you
know, I'm not, I'm not a wealthy man.
So going to Hawaii isn'tsomething I can do every week.
So to figure out timing in, in therelationship with family, I was, I was
(20:12):
with a friend, a Actually, my brother inlaw and my mom had passed and we were in
the, in her little home when she passedaway and we stepped out of the bedroom.
I was talking to him and, youknow, obviously there's the emotion
of the situation and he saidsomething that was interesting.
He said, you know,sometimes life is horrible.
And my response to him was, you know, lifeisn't horrible, but this circumstance is.
(20:39):
And so there's a difference.
And so the difference in an experiencethat empowers you to move forward and
one that holds you back really is inthe meaning that you give it, right?
Identity, experience, meaning and emotion.
So life happens to everybody.
Great success, decentday, horrible day, right?
We all have experiences that we cansay this was the worst day or the
(21:00):
worst experience I walked through.
But the difference is in being ableto move forward from that experience.
Or have it be an anchor that holds youback the rest of your life Maybe you know
people I unfortunately know people in mylife that they've experienced loss and
They're still talking about that loss.
It's still a cloud hanging over theirhead years later The experience isn't the
(21:22):
issue because good and bad and challengeswill happen right right in this world
You will have trouble Jesus said thedifference is what meaning do I give it?
See for myself I was fully there and,I mean, I'll tell you the honest truth,
I was crying every day the last fivedays as I spent that time with my mom.
Because there was a loss thatwas coming and you could start,
(21:43):
you know, you walk through it.
I don't need to go into details.
But, that experience isn't who I am.
It doesn't mean I love my mom less.
It just means I understand, hey, Ihave a good life and a good place and
frankly, it's a, answer to prayer tobe able to be here with her at this
time, even though at the same time,it's a crushing experience for us.
(22:05):
So it's not the experience thatmatters, but the meaning you take
from it in the most cases, right?
Like when I, you know, we succeededat our fourth business, which
means that the first three didn't.
Okay.
So the experience of losing our businessor failing and it costing money and
putting us in a financial struggle, right?
(22:25):
That's, that's a Business failure.
The problem is a lot of timeswe think it's an us failure.
Your relationship doesn't work out.
You get a divorce.
You, you, that relationship you've had foryears or for a few weeks doesn't work out.
The relationship didn't workout, but sometimes we think,
well, that means I'm not lovable.
I'm not somebody of value.
(22:46):
I'm not somebody of worth that,that deserves a relationship.
It's not the experience.
It's the meaning I take from it.
And the meaning I take from it will alwaysbe in alignment with who I believe I am.
That's key what you say, said.
Could you say that again?
The, the meaning I take frommy experience will always be in
alignment with who I believe I am.
So if I believe I'm a failure andI, and my business doesn't work
(23:08):
out, oh well I just proved it right.
If I believe that I'm a person that'smeant for success and impact in the
world, well then that's just somethingto walk through, an experience to walk
through to get to that next stage.
It all depends, I mean itall comes back to identity.
Identity is everything.
Who you believe you are, you'll seewalked out in every area of your life.
(23:29):
Okay, that is very key.
I really like that, that you kind ofexpose that and make it plain to see.
This is especially good for men whohave gone to prison and They're out now.
Maybe some are still in some are inspiritual prisons, you know, because
(23:53):
it does start in a mind first but inexperience because Again, a lot of
people in my audience have been in jail.
Hey Do have an ID Problem we we seeit somewhat to when they come out.
They can't it's hard for them to gettheir ID, you know and The most important
(24:18):
ID they need to have is their identityin what you're talking about now and
you're trying to help them get the realID they need and your book is equipping
men and women can pick up this book tooand learn as well because we suffer from
(24:42):
that as well and um so Can you speak from?
Yeah, it's experience because sometimesexperience make you be Emotional
it's nothing Wrong with emotion.
So because emotion can kind of Drive youkind of motivate you It what is but it's
(25:05):
like what is it motivating you to do?
Is it motivating you to stop?
Yep breeze so You're coaching peoplethrough this And you're showing them
who they are and their experiences.
And then you went into, Ithink I jumped ahead of you.
You said the meaning, cause youwere talking about the meaning.
(25:26):
Cause you said the four pillars are whatID experience, meaning, and emotion.
Yep.
And the interesting thing is in mostpersonal development programs, they always
start with the last one, which is emotion.
And I always make itlast because it's the,
it's, it's the one that, If youchange the first three, the last
(25:47):
one will fall in line, meaning this.
So, um, my, my mom, mymom passed away, right?
Or, or let's do this.
I lost, you know, our, we hadsome businesses that failed,
cost us hugely financially.
We were at the point of bankruptcy.
Right?
So that's an experiencethat we walked through.
The meaning, if it's anempowering meaning, I call them
(26:08):
disempowering or empowering.
Empowering is.
Okay, we learned from that.
Now I won't make that mistake again,but I've learned things that I
can take into the next experience.
It doesn't mean I'm not supposedto be this person or do this thing.
It just means that this ispart of the going to school.
This is part of the learning.
So if I take that meaning, then whatam I feeling when I come out of it?
I'm feeling confident.
(26:29):
I'm feeling assured.
I'm feeling, you know, in line withwhat I'm doing, but if I go through that
same experience, business fails, we'restruggling financially month to month.
Now, all of a sudden, themeaning is I'm a failure.
That's because of me.
I've blown it.
I'm never going to succeed.
Well, what emotion doyou have off of that?
I have shame.
I have regret.
(26:49):
I have embarrassment.
What I tell people is this.
Your emotion is the only honestthing in the conversation.
Because if I was on a mountaintop orI was on the roof of a tall building
and I was right at the edge, well,fear would be an appropriate emotion.
But if I'm in a relationship withmy, my, my wife, Misha Jay, and we're
(27:11):
in a fight, me being afraid thatwe're gonna get a divorce, is that an
empowering or disempowering emotion?
It's a disempowering one.
So if I can walk back to the wholeexperience, if I understand who I'm
created to be, I'm a person that'sgot value and impact in the world.
Yeah, but something happened.
And you know, for some of yourlisteners, I went to jail, I made some
(27:33):
wrong choices, I did some things thatcaused me to go into the system, right?
But if I know who I am a person of valueand worth, okay, well, that was a mistake.
I recognize the mistake.
You know, I, I, I, I create theconsequence that I need to walk
through, but the meaning of it isthis is an experience for me to walk
through to understand who I'm not goingto be and what I'm not going to do.
(27:54):
Now, all of a sudden, the emotionthat you have going into it is I'm
a person of confidence and worth.
It's really me telling my world whoI am versus my world telling me.
So, again, it's who
you're allowing the world totell you who you are, which is.
The default, right?
You're right For all ofus not just some of us.
(28:16):
So anybody out theresaying oh, it's only me.
No, it's not you I wrote a whole bookbecause I was a guy in that place,
but wanted to have a roadmap I wantedto have a blueprint to become the
person that was created to be not whatthe world said I was So I like this.
Um, this is very very good and youWalking through this You just left us
(28:41):
the recipe in your book and just followthe steps that you laid out so we don't
have to reinvent the wheel, right?
You've done it.
I want to live off your experience.
I don't want to have togo through it myself.
If I, if somebody else has been thereand actually took the time to write
about it, like yourself, to tell youhow to get out, um, get the best of it.
(29:06):
So, all of this.
Again, you said identity,which you went through the
experience, meaning and emotion.
I love how you said it's the lastthing in the most honest thing.
And because it's feeding off whateveryou, your identity, your identity is, it's
feeding off whatever your experience is.
(29:28):
And it's feeding off whatmeaning did you take from it?
And that's how you're going to emote.
You're going to show your emotions.
And you cannot hide that.
And that's a great point.
So all of this is what part ofthe image, if this part of the
image of a person, this is thelife that everybody goes through.
(29:51):
So my life is fully encompassingin who I'm created to be or
who I believe I am identity.
The experiences I walked through,the meanings I put through it
and the emotions that I have.
And so this is kind of a snapshotof what life looks like lived out.
And I put it in that place asthe four pillars of life mastery,
because it's also the same.
Four pillars of life, what I call lifemanagement or living life by default.
(30:15):
The problem is we startwith the emotion, right?
Allowing our experiencesto tell us who I am.
The meaning tells me that I'm notgood enough and the emotions follow.
So I get angry.
So I have control.
So I have fear of failure.
So I have imposter syndrome.
So I have insecurity.
I feel like I'm not good anywhere.
And you know, I'm just waiting forthe next thing to fail in my life.
So are you saying when people?
(30:38):
lash out or have this anger.
You're saying that their experienceswhat meaning they put to that in who they
think they are is driving that is it?
Yeah, if you want to get really deep intowhat we talked about in the chorus, right?
You're just a little bit justa little bit your emotions.
(31:01):
Your emotions are always aresponse to your experience.
Right, but your emotions are driven byyour identity again, so I get into a Issue
at work somebody's you know, we're not inagreement with stuff, you know He's kind
of getting on my nerves or I'm getting onhis nerves or whatever And and then you
(31:22):
have this response of anger you have thisresponse of hatred or whatever, right?
And that's because there's somethingin there that's telling you that, you
know, there's this guy's disrespectingme He's he's doing something that's
you know, he's putting me down.
He's doing this or that or the otherBut here's the interesting thing.
The more I understand who I amthe the less I allow other people
(31:42):
to tell me Which means is if I'mwalking into a circumstance in a
situation and I'm confident in whoI am You can tell me I'm an idiot.
You can tell me I'm a fool You cantell me I'm not as good as right you
can try and put me down It doesn'tmean you're not being disrespectful.
It just means it doesn't havean impact on who I believe I am.
But when I don't believe who I am,when I'm feeling like, uh, you know,
(32:04):
I'm not getting respect, right?
That kind of identity issue whereyou, you feel like you're not
somebody as good as everybody else.
Again, I'm talking frompersonal experience.
Now, all of a sudden my response is angerbecause you've hit a nerve, so to speak.
You've hit an area where I feelvulnerable because while I try on the
outside portray that I don't believeit on the inside, I kind of do.
(32:24):
But I'm telling you what, when you walkin knowing who you're creating, you're
not in arrogance, because none of thiscomes from me believing I'm all that.
It all comes from, I know God'smade me specifically, just
like he's made everybody else.
And the more I align with whohe's created me to be, the more
I'm walking in confident in that.
The great example is Jesus, right?
Whether it was the devil or thereligious teachers or anybody around
(32:48):
him, everybody was trying to puthim in the mold of who they believed
the Savior was supposed to be.
None of it impacted him If peoplewere angry if people left him because
of some of the words he said ifthey tried to persecute him Right.
All he had to do was change Who he wasright so we get that's where I was going
a little bit with the image We're we'reactually creating in his image and he's
(33:12):
an example for us if I know who I amgoing into it All of the noise from the
outside has no impact and allow otherpeople to tell him that and everything
would have been cool Supposedly, butjesus knows who he is He's the model um,
so to speak and where we should be tryingto imitate and you Have really crafted.
(33:38):
Yeah a good tool here for peopleto use again You The name of
Mark's book is Life Mastery LivingLife by Design Not by Default.
Wow we can relate to that becauseIt's like you are now getting in
the driver's seat rather than beingdriven You're actually getting in
(34:03):
the driver's seat where you belongand that's where our men belong.
So what is okay now that Once theyRead this book, get this information.
What is some of the impacts youthink they will see in their life?
Like describe some of the impactsthat you've seen in your own life
(34:26):
because you've mastered this.
That's a great question.
Thank you for saying Misha J.
First, so there's a few things.
One is I believe that every manhas an impact in the world that
you're you're called and created.
Thank you.
For an impact that'syours and yours alone.
And I'm not just saying it because I'mtrying to pump people up or because
I believe that about my own life.
(34:46):
I see it all over the word of God.
I see it all over scripture.
It's really interestingin, in, in the word of God.
When you talk, see a man or a womanin, in a multitude of cases, God
would come and tell them who they are.
And then he would tell them that the,the thing that is theirs, their, their
journey, their purpose, the thing thathe's called them to have an impact with.
(35:07):
But he always started withwho they were created to be.
He didn't start with, if youdo this thing, then you'll
become somebody of importance.
He said, you're a personof value and worth.
You're a great man of valor.
And this is what you'regoing to do with it.
Even when in every case that I remember,they didn't know that about themselves.
And so for us, identity starts with.
(35:29):
Who does God say you are and then whodo you say you are and in that place
you can start to become that person Andso for me again, I've had success in
different areas of my life And even ifyou haven't here's the sameness about
all of us Whether you're successful ornot in the things that you're doing those
fears that we have are all the same thosefeelings of wanting to be valued as a
(35:49):
man and And you know hoping for yourworld to show you the difference that
you don't have on the inside You Right.
If I don't know who I am, the worldhas to make up the difference.
So you have to respect me.
So you have to, you know, give mewhatever that wealth, that power,
that prestige, that position.
All the things we use assubstitutes for identity.
So in my own life, the honesttruth is, Misha J., there's a
(36:11):
couple of things that happened.
The first one is I started showing up asa guy that I thought I was created to be.
I started to see him lived out.
So I wasn't getting angrywhen things were happening.
I wasn't having struggles with my wifebecause our business wasn't going well.
The outside world wasn'tdictating my inside value.
My inside value was dictatingwhat happened in the world.
(36:33):
It doesn't mean everything's perfect.
And you know, I won thelottery and everything's great.
But what it does mean is That feardidn't follow me in everything I did.
Anger wasn't my first response toeverything I was coming against.
Really because, you know,I'm just going to be honest.
Anger is really just a greatarrow pointing to insecurity.
(36:54):
Anger is never the emotion.
So when they tell you, again, mostpersonal development programs, they
talk about managing your emotions.
Which is foolish because you'llalways be managing them if
you're only going to stay there.
But here's the truth.
When I understood who I was createdto be and I started walking through
identity, my thoughts of who I am werealigning with who God says I am, now all
(37:15):
of a sudden stress wasn't there, worrywasn't there at the highest levels.
So not only was I able to accomplishstuff, but I actually was able to
enjoy it because I wasn't worried thatat any minute it's gonna fall apart.
I tell people this, and so life masteryis the tool, freedom is the goal.
And where freedom comes fromis where Jesus said, He who the
(37:37):
sun sets free is free indeed.
It is absolutely a salvation message.
So I'm not trying to take away fromthe fact that, okay, Jesus died
for our sins, and that's a freedomthat he has, freedom against the
impact and the influence of sin.
But there's a lifestyle side ofit that he was also talking about.
Freedom looks like something lived out.
It looks like somebody a man walking inconfidence It looks like a man willing
(37:59):
to to be vulnerable in his relationshipsbecause he's not afraid that he has to
guard against being hurt It's a man whohas an impact in the world and believes
that there's more for him not guy WhatI call him in my course and what I talk
about with the guys that I coach is we'reheroes in hiding love that There's a
there's a hero on the inside that isn'tcoming out So it's not just me feeling
(38:22):
good for me You It's me being able toinvest in the world and the impact God
has through me because I know who I am.
And so I tell guys this all the time.
I say, living from a place of freedomis the easiest thing you can do.
It's literally me just livingfrom who I'm created to be.
It's, it's effortless with work.
Meaning, you know, I still have to workto get things accomplished like this
(38:43):
podcast, like my ministry and all of that.
But I'm not struggling.
I'm not striving.
I'm not, you know,stressed out because of it.
Living from a place of freedomis the easiest thing you can do.
Living apart from freedom is tough.
And that's how most of us are living.
Right.
Thank you for that.
So
(39:06):
one thing you said, correct meif I'm misinterpreting this, is
making The difference trying tohave the world World have to make
up the difference having the worldhave to make up the difference when
You actually should be making thedifference not the world, right?
(39:31):
Yeah, so Hmm So we you talked about soso if I don't What I said was if I if
you don't know who you are the world hasto make up the difference Which means
with my relationship with my wife, if,if I don't feel secure in who I am, if I
don't, I'm not confident that I'm a personof worth and value worthy to be loved.
(39:51):
If I feel like I'm insecure and myrelationships haven't worked out, so
maybe this one won't work out either.
Well, then what I require from her,I don't say it, but what I require
from her is, okay, then you need to,you need to always treat me nicely.
You need to not get angry.
You need to validate me.
Exactly.
Because I don't believe who I am.
So again, you have tomake up the difference.
But when I know who I am now, I tellpeople, My, my marriage is a benefit.
(40:17):
It's not a requirement.
It's my wife is a benefit to mylife and she makes my life better.
She's not a requirementfor me to be okay with me.
I like that.
It's that is a key thing.
So first it starts with theindividual you getting the ID.
(40:38):
Which then goes into every relationshipyou have because then you went from
You were in a relationship with yourwife, and it's you two, so if you let
the world dictate how you all shouldinteract versus what the model of
(40:59):
what the Bible says and what God saysbecause he created you, it's gonna be
totally two different things, right?
Yep.
Yeah, absolutely.
And you showed.
How it started impacting you as ahusband with your wife You stopped being
a probably annoyed with some thingsbefore You know, i've seen things.
(41:23):
No, exactly No, you're absolutelyright because again those emotions
are going to be on the surface rightif i'm If I don't understand who I am
if I don't understand who god createdme to be right then anything that's
happening at work Um I'm gonna take homeanything that happened on the street.
I'm gonna take home anything thathappens with my neighbors I'm gonna
(41:43):
take home right you can't we as mentry to compartmentalize our life.
We think we can So right, you know ifwork is horrible or I don't have a job
and so this is that but I'm gonna bean angel At home, that's never the case
because it bleeds over into every areaof your life And so my marriage is better
because I'm better My job is betterbecause I'm better because you're making
(42:04):
the difference in that world exactlybecause I'm walking in who I'm created
to be God made us to walk like that.
It's only satan that triesto get us to stop right?
so If you you're making the differenceand you're going to start seeing the
fruit of it and What you're saying thatyou can't really manage that Because
(42:27):
when that's what they were trying to dowhen they try to When you said that if
something happened at work, I'm gonnakeep that at work and I'm gonna come
home and I'm gonna be somebody else.
You're trying to actually manage that bykeeping it over there and it's actually
you, it's right, you bringing it with you.
(42:48):
You can't leave it because it's a partof you, a part of your experience now.
Going back to your four pillars.
And that you're absolutely right.
Okay.
And here's the thing.
Also, I'm either bringing it homebecause I'm going to lash out.
(43:09):
I'm going to be angry.
I'm going to be shorttempered or whatever.
Or I'm bringing it home becauseI'm going to be shut down.
So you guys think that me being able tobe a good husband is I'm not letting you
into those areas that I'm struggling with.
I'm striving with or I'mhaving issues with that.
Well, that's a great way tohave a superficial marriage.
Because now your wife doesn't evenknow who you are because you're not
(43:30):
allowing her to it doesn't mean i'mweak It just means i'm honest Right,
my wife my wife and I walked throughmy mom's passing I didn't act like it
didn't bother me because that's whata man is supposed to be That's just a
lie from the pit of hell say it again.
I let her know that this is atragic time and i'm hurting in that
That doesn't mean I'm not strong.
(43:50):
It just means I'm actually emotionallyrelevant in my relationship
Sometimes we're emotionallyirrelevant because we think that's
what it looks like to be a man.
Oh, no, I'm not gonna you knowthose You know, I'm not gonna cry.
I'm not gonna act like something hurts me.
Well, then you're not a lot like Jesusso actually when you said you're they
think you're not a man and So they gotthe wrong image of what a man should be
(44:15):
wrong imagination, the way he's thinking.
And it's, you know, I'm an older guy,so I remember this picture, so I'll
give a picture of what it looks like.
I don't know if you've ever seen a cartoonof a, of a guy that's a bodybuilder.
Right?
He's, he's super huge, bigarms, big chest and all that.
(44:35):
And then you look below the waistand his legs are like toothpicks.
Right?
Yeah.
We've got that phrase that guys used toneedle each other, don't forget leg day.
Well, that's in a relationship.
That's exactly what we look likesometimes because on the top, right?
The provider, the man of strength,the, you know, the person who's
(44:56):
the, the protector in the household,that's kind of that upper body.
And then the emotional stuff of actuallybeing vulnerable and available, actually
being able to say when you're hurtingand walking through it, actually
being able to have a conversationwith the guy getting angry, right?
That's the emotional side.
Right.
That looks like toothpickson that bodybuilder.
God doesn't call us to be half developed.
(45:17):
He calls us to be developed.
And so I it's one of the things Iwrote in one of my newsletters to my
guys was they don't forget leg day.
Incredible.
I love that analogy and goinginto my last question right now.
Um, in relationships.
(45:41):
And even with yourself, because people,we have these voices sometimes that
tell us, um, wrong things that we, youknow, we are believing wrong things.
And I've seen many relationships,not, you know, not all, but where the
people closest to you can get somegood shots in and Unknowingly, they
(46:10):
don't understand they're, they're,um, actually tearing down the person
with words and things like that.
Um, where, what would you have as a coach?
Yeah.
Because we, we do have wives and we dohave men at times using their strengths
(46:30):
inappropriately and, and the womenusing their strengths inappropriately.
Um, And tearing down their ownhouse and tearing down men.
And that's one of the reasons why ourmen are not having the strength they are
(46:52):
needing to have and not being the heroes,like you said, who they were made to be.
What is it, what is it theycan do as a man if they got,
they're in a relationship?
You know, that they, a wife,like a girlfriend, you could
probably, probably ditch her.
(47:13):
You know, if you, unless she's worthsaving, I don't, I don't know, it's
probably not for you to save her.
I don't know.
That's questionable.
We won't digress over there.
But if they're in a relationship,like a marriage or something,
they like tie together.
What do you, what do youtell them as a coach?
Yeah, absolutely.
That's a great question.
And so let me give you a picture.
(47:33):
So, um, I remember we're seeingthis old time kind of, uh, video.
It was, it was film back in the day.
And there was a strong man that wasstanding in the middle, holding two ropes.
And he had a group on one side, pullinghim that direction and a group on the
other side, pulling him that direction.
And so that's a lot like whatI talk about when I talk about
(47:54):
mastering your thoughts with my guys.
So you're the person in the middle,and on one side is God and who He
says you are, and on the other sideis the world and maybe your family
and even some of those people closeto you who are saying who you are.
And so what I do is I say this, youhave three things that matter, who
(48:14):
God says you are, who you say you are,who the people around you say you are.
Whatever one is the priority isthe one you're going to believe.
So, for us, I say, masteringyour thoughts means aligning your
thoughts with who God says you are.
Pulling in that direction.
Well, the more I'm pulled in thatdirection and I'm saying, because
it's not just what they say, it's whatyou say, because at the end of the
(48:35):
day, the truth is, it doesn't matterwhat anybody around me says, more
than it matters what I say about me.
And what I tell the guys is this,if what you say about yourself
doesn't align with what God says,then you're lying to yourself.
So, if your spouse, your friends, thosepeople around you, if what they say about
you doesn't align with what God saysabout you, then they're lying to you.
(49:00):
But at the end of the day, myResponsibility is my thoughts.
And so what I do is I, I continueto remind myself who God says I am.
Not in general scriptures,but in specificity.
With identity, I have guys writedown a statement, an I am statement.
Who are you?
Right?
I'm a man of confidence and assurance.
I'm a man of Fortitude and action.
I'm a man that follows through that caresfor his friends and family deeply that
(49:24):
finishes the projects that he startsthat is Always consistent and there
for those things that he's supposed tobe right whatever that statement is I
give them that statement because I sayremind yourself of it read it every day
I read mine multiple times a day becauselife happens all day And people are
trying to tell you who you are all day.
So Mastering your thoughts is,are my thoughts aligning with God?
(49:46):
Am I being pulled in that directiontowards what God says I am?
Who He says I am?
Am I reminding myself, right?
We talked about it in thebeginning of the conversation.
I'm preparing myself for thebattle before the battle happens.
I can't try and remind myself who Iam after I'm in a fight with somebody
who's telling me I'm a whatever, a fool.
But if I know who I am walkinginto it, not all of a sudden
(50:08):
you don't have an impact.
And in a relationship, you first offalign with who God's created you to be.
Second off, take ownership of thepart of the relationship dysfunction.
That's your responsibility.
It takes two people to fight.
It takes two people to heal.
And depending on where your relationshipis that If there are people who are
(50:28):
continually bringing you down, then theymay be people that you want to examine
how much time you want to put into thatrelationship, whether it's a friend,
whether it's a family member, right?
It's okay to not hang around peoplethat continue to put you down.
You have permission to do that.
That's healthy.
That's not an healthy unhealthyrelationship is expecting better
from people that can't give it.
(50:49):
Oh, you need you preaching now.
I didn't know you was goingto start preaching on here.
But, um, it's boundaries.
You're talking about boundaries andjust knowing where to draw the line
and where those boundaries are.
I just love what you dobecause you are a true coach.
You are coaching men to be men, to beheroes, helping them with their identity,
(51:16):
helping them to understand the experienceand taking it and not shining it.
And what the meaning behind it is so thatthey can have the right emotions and not
be scared of emotions and because men haveemotions just like women but it's just how
you Control those motions, but you gettingdown to the root of where they're coming
(51:41):
from, you're helping to coach them throughand you're going to call it, you're
going to call the shots to where it is.
If that's an out, that's an out.
You know, if you got struck out,you know, you just got struck out.
You know, you may have to sit on abench for a minute, you know, I might
have to put you on penalty zone orsomething as a coach, you do all that.
(52:03):
You show it in your book.
You even have.
After the book, which I like,you don't just throw the book
out there and just leave them in.
Right.
So you have these sessions and howdo they, they get these sessions with
you because you, you're the coach.
Yeah.
Well, I, thanks, thanks for that question.
(52:23):
I, um, I have a website,freedom four-life.net.
Mm-Hmm , it's freedom-four-life.net.
So, um, you can actuallypurchase the book there.
I have the courses there.
I have the Life mastery course.
which also contains someone on one coaching.
And the reason I included coaching in theprogram, not just the program was because
I know the one thing that I would wantto give people that I didn't have it.
(52:45):
And that's fine.
You know, there's alwaysthe first person through it.
And for me, it was walking throughmy journey, cataloging it, making
the roadmap and giving it to guys.
But the one thing I knew was, it wouldbe amazing if you could through one
conversation, Shorten your understandingof something that is going to give you a
breakthrough So instead of doing it andtrying to figure it out in three months
Now you can do it in one or trying tofigure it out in a week trying to figure
(53:08):
Well, how do I implement this in my life?
Now all of a sudden one conversationcan catapult you can fast forward you
into the freedom that you're calledto so That's all on my website.
There's actually also a freediscovery tool Um that's out there.
You could go to my website It's a I callit a diagnostic tool, but it's a discovery
tool to say hey, where am I at in my life?
Mastery journey so you take A quick surveyand then at the end of it, it's not only
(53:31):
where am I at, but hey, what's the nextstep I can take to get to the next level?
So that's a free toolthat's out there as well.
Oh my goodness.
You, I mean, you got the resources too.
You, you trying to say youneed to know where you at so
you can know which way to go.
And you have, you're doing one on oneafter a while and actually coaching them.
(53:52):
I'm going to call you.
I'm not going to call you master.
I mean, I'm sorry, pastor.
Collins, I'm more, I'm moregeared towards coach Collins.
I like it.
I'm geared towards coach Collinsbecause you're not just a pastor.
You're not just a husband.
Those are those relationships.
(54:13):
You're not just a father, a black belt,you know, a degree and we, you know, you
got some, you got a lot of degrees in ablack belt and you got a father degree.
You got a husband degree.
You got to pass the degree.
You, you, you making them behave mastery of their lives.
(54:33):
I love that.
I love what you, thankyou for your service.
And, um, is there anything elseyou want to say to the audience?
Because you, you have said a lot for them.
You're going to help a lot ofmen understand, um, how to come
out of an institution and not beinstitutionalized and, um, helping.
(54:53):
them be better husbands, better,um, becoming coaches themselves.
Yeah.
Um, uh, better fathers, which we need.
And it's just a lot they're going to getfrom your book from you as well And I
will be putting everything in the websin the I should say In the show notes
because sometimes people like to see itSo I will put it in there so that they
(55:16):
can master their lives and not live bydefault but live by design For sure.
Yeah, absolutely.
Thanks for that.
And and the one thing I would say isyou know, we're talking about all these
tools and all these concepts right thefour pillars of life mastery and We
have, you know, in our course, and Italk about it in the book as well, the
three transformational strategies, allof these things aren't to give you more
(55:38):
habits and things to do, aren't to giveyou a whole big checklist of stuff to do.
It literally is this.
God has a impact that he wantsto make in the world through you.
There's a call and a purpose on your life.
It's for everybody.
It's not just for people onpodcasts like Misha J and myself.
It's not just for those guys that are inthe pulpit, those people you see on TV.
They're all different, but everyman has an impact that he's
(56:01):
supposed to make in the world.
So these tools are really justa roadmap, a blueprint for
you to get where you're at.
But at the end of the day, thething that matters is God sees you.
He knows you.
He loves you.
He created you for more than whereyou're at and that impact in the world.
These are simply the tools to help youunleash who you are as the hero in hiding
so that you're, you know, Living outthat life that you're created for you.
(56:23):
You probably do.
You have, you probably shouldwrite your next book hero in
hiding or something like that.
I've kind of really likedhow you saying that.
So basically what you're saying and we'llleave with us is that you are of value.
God gave his life for youbecause we are of value.
(56:44):
Well, coach Collins, thank you so muchfor being on a prisoner's pardon podcast.
Listeners, thank you for listening.
I'm pretty sure you've gained a lotof value in this from coach Collins.
You're going to leave here fired upand you're going to win the game.
The game of life.
Thank you so much.
(57:04):
And may you have a weekfilled with blessings.
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